The Do's and Don'ts When Interacting with a Child with Selective Mutism. Video by Lucy Nathanson

[@mightybfool]

"Are you going to talk to me today?" Dear god I hated hearing that! And saying "she can speak for herself." To my close friends that I would speak to when they asked questions for me. Also My teachers used to drop my grades even though I was great in school she told my parents I had a C in the class solely because I didn't participate in class discussions. The same thing happens with my grades now in university. I'm still not able to be talkative in public but I'm a lot better than I was as a little kid thanks to therapy and understanding nice people

[@moonchalatte]

honestly same.

[@gumgum619]

Thank you for this. I am a 16 year old girl who has suffered from this since kinder and I wish more people knew how I feel

[@lili-yz1wb]

+Xarah28 same and i'm 17:/

[@CouchLock]

I'm 23, a career with AM can be quite hard. I highly recommend people: Seek counseling as early as possible. Keep a journal to write your thoughts down. Practice introspection.

[@naughtyhumphrey9350]

Xarah28 I suffered since kindergarten too I’m a high school freshman and I still have it \:

[@blueninq]

I know how you feel, I’ve had it for a few years

[@beatrisdanila5533]

Xarah28 om 12 and i do understand

[@melodystokes7454]

I've got Selective mutism, I've suffered all my life. Now I'm 25 and still unable to speak to people. I had a bad time at School didn't get any help from professionals. Just feel so useless all the time. Watching your video has made me realise that people have got an understanding. Wish everyone had.

[@stephaniejackson3115]

Melody Stokes same

[@cherry.7751]

Same...

[@cherry.7751]

And school starting...

[@aurelianspodarec2629]

Me too : p Learn programming : p HTML/CSS, JS, NodeJS/React

[@rafiyashaikh2368]

Same. I was really talkative among my friends at school but as soon as I entered the university things changed so drastically plus the constant abuse from the family made me silent even at home😔i struggle alot, but i gotta get over it on my own as I'll be working as a doctor soon😷

[@damnthatmashlookstasty]

Thank you for this video. Every day of school was torture for me due to teachers who treated me the exact opposite of your guidelines. SM is like a lifetime curse, I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy.

[@anayateh9996]

PretentiousTwat same

[@wildboy2222]

Thank you for this video. Some teachers seriously need to watch this. I remember in seventh grade there was this student who was quiet, but not as quiet as me since he actually had friends. The teacher asked him a question, but he just wouldn't open his mouth and just smiled awkwardly. The teacher said "are you kidding me? I have two of them now". She then kicked him out of the class for not talking and immediately asked me the same question(I was the other kid who never talked) which I answered because I didn't want to be embarrassed. This kind of treatment is not the kind one should expect from an adult.

[@ConfidentChildren]

***** What a terrible experience L. Luckily the knowledge about how children with SM should be treated is spreading so hopefully less and less children will be treated like this. Wishing you all the best.

[@sarahfarley1688]

And that kid remembers it .. my 6 th grade teacher told me if I didn’t talk I was going to ride handicap bus

[@sarahfarley1688]

I didn’t want to look mental so I tryed looking normal

[@FleurViolet-k9u]

Hello, we ALL as human beings need to play our part. It is not just on the teacher's shoulders, but the parents, wider family and friends.

[@mystikumori992]

I have had selective mutism all my school life but it's gotten a bit better I talk more in school, that's where it mostly occurs. My family never knew I had this so they just called it shyness and before I even knew I had it I believed it was just shyness also. The first time I discovered I had selective mutism was in 7th grade I was also curious as to why I didn't talk in school as much as I do at home and so I found a article about it and did research and surely I did have selective mutism but I still didn't want to come to conclusions. But looking back in my 5th grade days their was this one teacher, I think she knew about this condition and knew how to deal with it and was sure I had it probably. I didn't think much about it because well I didn't know about it. She didn't put that much attention on me, she let me write on a board if I wanted to say something my classmates probably found it strange but never questioned it, but they did question my teacher about she just said "it makes her more comfortable". And I never really spoke to her but she never looked surprised when I did all she did was respond casually and I found that very comforting she treated me this way. Woah...this is the longest comment I wrote. Anyways just wanted to share also nice video! :D

[@109stevewilson]

I had the exact same problem when I was at school, only I didn't realise what it was until I was 57 years old! No teacher ever realised I had a problem and neither did my parents, but then I was always fine at home. It was all a mystery to me until a few years ago when I listened to a radio programme about a (to me) strange condition called Selective Mutism. I was shocked to the core when it started to describe exactly how I was during my school years and young adulthood. I had always thought I was just very shy, which I was, but I suddenly realised it was extreme social anxiety which made me unable to speak. It all slotted into place with that radio programme. I remember I used to be singled out by teachers, put in remedial classes and mocked by other children for not speaking, all of which made my anxiety even worse. Only later in life did I come to realise that I was actually quite intelligent. Although my social anxiety greatly lessened as I reached middle age, even to this day, I become increasingly uncomfortable with extended social functions and eventually want to leave feeling psychologically exhausted. And my greatest sadness is that I'm still completely unable to stand in front of audience to give a talk, I just cannot bear being the centre of attention. Though I have a decent life now, I do sometimes wonder what I might have achieved career wise, had my early life not been blighted by this disorder. The one good thing is that thanks to videos like this, schools are becoming more aware of the disorder and how to respond to it.

[@karenryan6654]

@@109stevewilson They didn't know much about the disorder when you were young so they couldnt have known. It's wonderful that teachers are now learning about this and can recognize it in their students.

[@MikeConsumes]

Wow I wasn't expecting such an accurate video. I had SM from the ages of 4-18. I'm now 23 and fortunately I don't have it anymore. But every single one of your points were true for me - I could relate to each one. For example, when I spoke for the first time, I hated it when people made a big fuss over it. In fact, that exact reaction made me more reluctant to talk. You're educating people about SM, and for that I am very thankful for.

[@keiransmith6749]

Ditto. Even the eye contact point, which is something I’ve only recently noticed about myself because it’s something that I still struggle with to this day, is spot on.

[@k-vy5nt]

Mike D How did you get over it.

[@Amanda-sq3fb]

Me too. This is the most accurate video I've seen so far. I started sobbing watching because someone was able to put it into words and say and explain it. I had SM from before i started preschool (don't know the age honestly, its been so long) up until about 16, when it started getting better quicker (thanks to me getting a job and slowly working my way into talking to people.) Im 25 now and i still struggle with this when I'm back in an environment that may trigger it, like family reunions, speaking on the phone, ordering at drive thrus and restaurants. It's extremely frustrating, and seeing that I'm not alone and am actually understood is a huge huge huge breath of fresh air. This video is amazing.

[@lili-yz1wb]

THANK YOU SO MUCH for this video! i'm 17 and i still have selective mutism. school has always been extremely hard for me. one of the worst things that has happened to me was when i started high school. my teacher said that all my teachers were informed about my sm, so i tried to not freak out. but in my first spanish class, my spanish teacher pointed at one person at a time and made them say some words in spanish. i tried not to worry about it too much, because i knew that he knew about my sm. suddenly he pointed at me, and my whole world just fell apart. i thought i was gonna faint. EVERYONE stared at me (some giggled), and he kept telling me to repeat the words after him. after a while (which felt like an eternity), he moved on, and when he was done with everyone, he asked me again. when he finally gave up on me (again), i couldn't hold in my emotions anymore. while everyone else then went around having conversations with each other in spanish, i turned around and tears just streamed down my face. i went to the bathroom after that and cried my eyes out. after that time i got more and more anxiety every day and after a couple days i quitted school. it turns out that he actually knew about this, but he didn't think it was that bad so he tried to make me speak because he thought i could do it. i don't know why i'm saying this but things like that should really not happen and it's SO important that the teachers are well informed and take it seriously!

[@blancaorellana6079]

Que mal por lo qué pasó. Yo lo tuve de niña asta grande. y hoy mi niña de 10 años también lo tiene deste niña. Y sí se sufre mucho más que todo en la escuela. Mi niña a sufrido mucho con algunos maestros y el personal de la escuela. Y esas experiencias son las que sirven de tropiezo para no superar él caso. Primero Dios un día té cientas mejor.

[@kathrynharper437]

Lucy, as an adult who still sometimes suffers from sm, and is really only making sense of much of my childhood now, I'd like to thank you for putting together this video ... it clearly shows the depth of understanding you have about selective mutism, and gives people very clear boundaries.

[@ConfidentChildren]

Thank you for this feedback Kathryn :)

[@seraph11]

I have selective mutism and everyone did the exact opposite

[@lbh18]

Same..but I don’t have it a lot

[@joshbartley5451]

Thank you for this! I’m 13, and people just told me I would grow out of it so they haven’t really tried to help it

[@aurelianspodarec2629]

How are you doing now?

[@sophiechila5964]

My brother has selective mutism and he only speaks to me, my parents and my brother. One we were at my grandparents house and he started talking to me (I was the only one in the room) and I didn’t praise him, I just tried to keep the conversation going, I didn’t last long but it was a big step for him, and I’m proud and happy that he spoke to me

[@earthangel1978]

These tips are amazing! My son is five and has selective mutism. His teachers have never dealt with a student with this disorder. I'm going to show them this video. I think it's really going to help for them to know how to interact with him without putting pressure on him. .

[@aurelianspodarec2629]

Hey, how did it go?

[@paulabyland786]

My grandson was diagnosed with selective mutism. Thank you for your video. He will be 11 and recently started doing you tube videos and I could actually see him talking. He's so affectionate and loving. I am thankful he's finding his voice with his videos

[@reandruzzi]

This was very excellent and directly on point. I was diagnosed with SM when I was 7-years-old in 1989 in the US. My parents, doctors and teachers did the best they could with what they had to help me and I am eternally grateful. But I wish they had had these guidelines! I wonder if I would have turned out any differently with them. I am a fully functional adult now but still struggle with certain social interactions. My elementary school years were by far my toughest. Thank you for knowing and sharing the best way to communicate with these children. I wish more people were aware of these tips when I was growing up.

[@ConfidentChildren]

Thank you for this lovely feedback :) x

[@stonedgamer4948]

I suffered with SM from age 6ish ( preschool) up until freshmen year of Highschool. This video is very informative and take all these steps when interacting with someone with SM. My Anxiety would shoot up to crazy levels in school whenever I got asked to speak. I just couldn't. Not speaking became a habit so naturally I just kept quiet and to myself. Kids often came up to me and asked why i didn't talk. I always shrugged then carried on whatever I was doing. I was so afraid of how people would respond the first time I talked to them so I just didn't. I did one time in middle school and this kid starting freaking out with excitement and told everyone. The whole class basically gathered and not one word left my lips. My tip to anyone that's suffering with SM, just go for it, you'll regret all the years you didn't talk to anyone because you'll have very little friends. Just grow the balls and talk. When I hit high school I didn't want to be known as the kid who didn't talk, I wanted to be known so the first step was to talk to people I knew, then other random new kids since it was freshmen year. Trust me, within time you'll get over this stupid "speaking disability" FUCK SM. ;)

[@carolinet6072]

I am now 23 and can sadly say that all the "don'ts" were used on me from nursery to year 6 and absolutely made me feel worse. I'm glad there's still people talking about this today :)

[@hkristiina]

Thank you so much! We got here in Finland a 9year old girl who just can't speak to some specific people. We have realised its about selective mutualism. Here in Finland we do not have much knowledge about this nor help . Thank you so much!

[@joshbartley5451]

hello. i know that this video is now a year old but i am 12 and my parents and family want nothing to do with me because of my selective mutism. this is terrifying because this makes me be mute at home and feel terrified about my surroundings. as i said, im 12 and i have had selective mustism since i was about 3 this is worrying because i have gone to have help with therapists and stuff and it has not worked which is why my family want nothing to do with me, but i have figured out that my cat does actually help me ALOT. i talk to him everyday as if he were listening and ii actually know someone else that has selective mutism and they also have a pet that they talk to. i think its very helpful because they listen to you but cannot respond or pressure you to carry on speaking making it my choice to speak which is much more comforting as they are a animal and i tell him all my problems.I think that if i kept talking to him that i could maybe get slightly better? also he is trained so that when im upset lonely or crying he comes to comfort me and i find this super helpful as i forget about everything and i feel like some body actually cares but i am not getting better and i have no clue how to help myself and i am worried for the future. Please please please any advice?

[@lucynathanson8306]

Hi, so sorry to hear about your difficulties but that is great that your cat helps you - I really do believe in the healing power of pets! Try this Facebook group which is a great support group for people with SM: facebook.com/groups/1462678917293033/

[@michelleham3763]

I wish this had been known about when I was a kid in the 80s!

[@Mia-wy2qo]

I am 14 years old and I have selective mutism and have been to five different school all but one have not offered me any help on how to deal with stressful situations and treat me as if I'm shy. I believe that people need to be educated better with people who have problems like this.

[@dijne5]

My 13 year old SM says thank you for this informative video,! We have forwarded it to her school.

[@CharlesDallaire]

More helpful than the literature i've been given for my student with SM. Wish I saw your clip in september, school's almost over.

[@ConfidentChildren]

charles d I am glad you enjoyed the video and found it helpful. If you could pass the clip onto the students next teacher, the student will still benefit. Thank you!

[@aristotlekoa9690]

I was diagnosed with Sm when I was 5 and I'm 18 now and this video is great honestly.

[@gumgum619]

I have a problem and it pains me so much that I'm going through this. It seems like no doctors or therapists know what I'm going through. I feel sick. I feel so different. I hate being this way

[@ConfidentChildren]

Xarah28 I will send you a private message x

[@ranekee75]

i feel you too.

[@stargazer-ik6iv]

i feel like i'm the only one who goes through this in my grade too. the people who i want to be friends with are the hardest to talk to. and so i'm isolated. i've spent 8 years like this

[@lauradiaz610]

i hate being this way too :(

[@Gangelya]

I've been told off for nodding instead of saying yes, for letting my friends talk and for not talking much in general too. My homeroom teacher (who is a super nice person and the best teacher I could've wished for) always made strong eye contact with me, it was unbearable and only at the end of middleschool i was able to hold it, even though it still made me very anxious. I still have selective mutism today and i am terrified to speak in that one class i never spoke in. Just like you said, I am afraid of the reaction of the teacher and the 30 students who sit in this room with me 2 times a week. I put my hand up only once for saying one word and i was trembling like crazy. The teacher didn't pick me and i haven't had the courage to repeat that experience since. Funny enough is that I have a better oral grade in that subject than in those i do speak in. Every teacher will tell me to speak more, every time. It doesn't even bear any meaning to me anymore because every time i feel like i've done good in class, the teachers will still say so. depresses me even more Thank you for explaining this thing I've felt my whole life, I did not know that it had a name up until an hour ago.

[@joannebywaters4154]

Wow wow wow...thank you, I cannot thank you enough for making this video!!! My Son is almost 29, has cerebral palsy but used to talk...then ...long story...but this and a few other videos on selective mutism have been a Godsend!!!!!!

[@ConfidentChildren]

Wow thank you so much for your comment! Comments like yours are the reason why I make these videos! Wishing you and your son all the very best

[@hibye5052]

This is a great video! I wish more teachers knew of this. I had selective mutism when I started school, but then when I turned 10, I got a new teacher in school, she was doing the register and when it came to my name everyone told her I don't speak, she looked me in the eye, gave me the worst look ever lol and said 'if she can speak then she will speak.' I suddenly started speaking after that and though she hadn't been very nice, I admit that I was so happy it stopped right there esp. before I got to secondary school. Also, like you mentioned, no one made a big deal when I first started speaking even though they did seem keen on hearing me speak, and that relieved me so much, haha. Now I'm sixteen and all my teachers want me to shut up lol. Once again great video, thanks!

[@lili-yz1wb]

+Arwa Kam really?:O i speak a lot around the few people i've known for a long time but i could never imagine myself speaking in class or to anyone else. how was it when you started talking? was it really hard or did your words just slip out of you?

[@LyleAllbritton]

I had selective mutism up until high school. The few people I interacted with went took drama class and of course I stupidly joined. After a few months my teacher had recognized me not speaking, walked up to me when everyone was working on monologues on the stage, and started writing on a piece of paper. We communicated that way until I grew courage to speak in front of the others. That woman saved me but cursed the world because now I talk too much lol

[@gamingwithnicola4506]

I have selective mutism and was diagnosed with it when I was 3 and I hated nursery and begged not to go on a daily basis because the staff didn't know how to treat someone with selective mutism and my anxiety levels were crazy high. The staff made be go without having snacks 80% of the time just because I wouldn't talk to them and ask for one but everyone else got snacks because they talked to the staff. It made me feel really upset and left out seeing all the other kids eating and I would just be sat there having to watch them - not how u treat someone at all with SM

[@suzanabraha5942]

My toddler is going through this now. I had to pull her from her preschool bc they really were putting so much pressure on her. She started going backwards. This really solidified my thoughts. Ty so much !

[@Muizworld]

How is your child now?as my child is going through the same he is 5 years old

[@stephaniethompson7995]

awe - bless all these people working with the children with this struggle. you're a treasure

[@olivia9937]

Thankyou for making this video, I'm 15 year old girl. I have autism, selective mutism and a learning disability. The third thing you said about other kids talking for them I have had heaps of times when that has happend to me. Once again thanks for making this video, I totally agree that all staff members of a school should know how to treat a child with selective mutism.

[@catherinehamer5653]

I had selective mutism as a child and was silent till age 4-5 but then spoke with a stammer. I had no friends at school but was happy back home to tag along with a big group of children riding bikes up and down the avenue, making tents, climbing trees, going to the park etc. It didn’t seem to matter that I didn’t speak very much because we were always busy ‘doing’ things. Age 11 I decided I wanted to learn to ride horses…this suited me as horses don’t really rely on speech, again it’s mostly about knowing how to communicate through body language and basic sounds. After that I took music lessons which again, required no speech just practice, practice, practice (for years and years) and an ability to communicate through musical expression without words……I’m now a professional musician and have been for 40 yrs. I don’t make friends quickly or easily as my silence is so often misconstrued as hostility but on the whole, life has been very generous to me…..I’m always grateful for the opportunities I had to learn two wonderful skills highly relevant to anyone with selective mutism, horse riding and music.

[@סימונהלרום]

my name is simona - i work in a project in kidergardens - age 3-4 - and during the years i had to deal with children with selective mutism - and it was very frustrating - i am very happy that i saw your very wise and inportant advices -i learned a lot - and i am going to tell all the staff about it - thank you - simona from israel

[@fallingwind]

Thank you so much for making this video. My daughter has selective mutism and I'm going to show this video to all her teachers. Some of them are doing the exact opposite out of good intention. I'm surprised so few people has knowledge about this disorder.

[@kattwin1]

I work in a 4K class and have a young child with SM. It breaks my heart to see (and sometimes feel!) the child's anxiety; it's somewhat like a shiver emanating off of the child. I'm particularly empathetic towards shy and anxious children because I have suffered from social anxiety my entire life. I haven't gone through SM, personally, but I so very much want to help this child in any way I possibly can. I yearn to reduce the child's anxiety and make the child feel safe and comfortable in our classroom. The teacher I work with is also very compassionate, and we are both sooooo grateful to have found your video! I actually discovered it last night and immediately sent it to her. We have plans to meet with the child's parent this next week and discuss the best actions to take. Unfortunately, so far this year, it seems too much is being expected from the child too fast. Do you have any suggestions as to how to communicate to a parent that, while it is necessary to diagnose and get a handle on SM as early as possible, perhaps he/she is expecting results too soon? While I very much wish to hear the child's sweet little voice, I have no expectations that we will. My main goal is not to get the child to speak but to make the child as comfortable as possible. Thank you SOOO much for this video! I think it's provided a nice platform from which my co-worker and I can begin to modify our own teaching behaviors and habits to better help the child with SM.

[@ConfidentChildren]

+kattwin1 Thank you for your message - the child is very fortunate to have such an understanding teacher. The best way to help the parent to understand is through educating them about SM - ask them to watch my video called 'what is selective mutism' as well as this video 'the do's and don'ts' hopefully they will start to understand that we absolutely cannot put pressure on these children, only support them to make steps while moving at the child's pace. If you would like some more specific support I do offer a phone service where we can talk on the phone/skype about the specific child and how to help the child within the classroom. Perhaps the school would be willing to fund this (currently the fee is £35 for a 45 minute conversation). Please contact me via my website: www.confidentchildren.co.uk if you are interested in this. I wish you the best of luck.

[@sewamazing4498]

I can totally relate to this. I wish a lot more people would act like this and do these techniques. My parents believe I have SM and I have had people get annoyed when I don't talk, people setting me up to talk to "help me"!! Its terrible 🙁

[@ConfidentChildren]

Please like the Confident Children Facebook page here: facebook.com/pages/Confident-Children/705561972840374?ref=aymt_homepage_panel

[@harleybeth26]

As a person who has had selective mutism for several years, I think these tips are very helpful. Thank you.

[@AshWild420]

I Love love LOVE this video! I have SM and didnt start talking till the end of 5th grade. I really wish my 5th grade teachers would've know what SM was. They were soooo rude to me and anyone who stood up for me or talked from me. Thank you for being awesome and providing this vital info! People neeeeeeeed to see this vid!

[@ConfidentChildren]

Thank you for your lovely comment - it makes me so happy that you love my video :) xxx

[@dianefulkerson9589]

God bless you for making this video. I am a first grade school teacher. I have a child in my classroom whom I strongly believe has SM. She does not have an official diagnosis and we can't seem to find anyone in our tristate area that can help. I am going to reach to you for help. The first thing I will do today is ask our school principal to let us show this video to the whole school staff as well as share this information with the parents. We have engaged in a few of the dont's you described in this video. We are seeking help for the child, the parents, and our school. God bless you!

[@Thedreamer579]

Dear Lucy, thank you so much for the information. It is really helpful. Please keep on updating us regarding this issue as it is the most overlooked childhood challenge. Blessings!!!

[@rafiyashaikh2368]

This video made me cry, it reminds me of the dreadful memories as a child. I was literally compared with my siblings all the time, my siblings would hit me for not speaking, i grew up sad, scared and doubtful of my abilities. Im 24 now and I just discovered that i was suffering from selective mutism all this time😔im trying my best to treat myself but it's so much harder without any support from family or friends

[@Carryonstrong]

I’m so sorry. That sounds just awful. I hope things are improving for you. Even if it’s just a little at a time. ❤️🌈

[@Carryonstrong]

I’m so sorry. That sounds just awful. I hope things are improving for you. Even if it’s just a little at a time. ❤️🌈

[@rafiyashaikh2368]

@@Carryonstrong thank you! Now that i know the problem, it's easier to fix things 😅

[@Carryonstrong]

@@rafiyashaikh2368 I’m so glad! ❤️

[@ineldafitte5797]

I had no idea there was such a thing. Our school speech teacher told me about it when I mentioned that I have a student who will not speak. She sent me this video. Thank you.

[@LoveMakesItHappen]

Thank you for this video! I grew up dealing with this and I believe this information would have been so helpful. My son is dealing with this now and I have shared this video with is teachers. Thank you again!!!

[@SarahDale111]

I was selectively mute and life was hell. When I was old enough, I started using alcohol, which temporarily lessened the anxiety enough to allow me to be around people and to try to interact with them. But that turned into 25 years of alcohol abuse, and life was still hell. I'm almost 50 now. 6 years sober. I still don't talk and have no friends, but I have found peace in accepting that I'm not "normal". I figured out, too, that I am autistic. A huge weight has lifted now that I know the why of it all.

[@deniserawling1350]

Thank you for this wonderful introduction. It is good to get some very simple and positive actions to take to help. Sometimes as extended family it can be hard to know how to help more. This is a great starter!

[@megakoopa2361]

I wish I knew about this video ten years ago.

[@spilltheteasister5077]

I was at school camp and I was getting my food and she asked me to say thank you I was so terrified I didn't answer and then she called me rude yeah I cried that day ;-;

[@TryingToLoveMyself]

thank you for this. i had this as a child and im shocked i turned out how i did because allllll of these don'ts were done.

[@lauradiaz610]

Life is so hard being like this, i hate it so much, i wish i could talk normally like the others, make friends, but this just pulls me down, and i feel like i miss out on so many things because of this, i hate having to turn red every time some one i don't know talks to me, some people think i don't even talk or that i'm really weird, i could talk more now but i feel so...bad about myself when some one asks me why i'm so quiet, the past years have been terrible, people would think that i'm mute, that i didn't speak English, people would ask me why i don't talk to boys, why i wouldn't even say my name, why i would only just smile or say serious and look down, some people would think i don't talk properly. I would feel like i'm the only one that is suffering this, I've never met anyone else like me, and sometimes i just hate myself so much, i wish i had understanding people when i was younger, especially classmates, teachers would understand but my classmates never really helped, they just just put me aside and ignore me cause they would think i'm not normal. But i have been able to overcome this pretty much but its still there, i'm 14, and i'm still the quiet girl in my class, but at least i find the courage to answer if someone asks me something, but in a small voice where i would have to repeat like 3 times for that person to hear me and sometimes that's what puts me down or when people come and talk to my best friend and would ignore me because they know i'm really short in words and they wouldn't even bother to even look at me, people that come and talk to her every single day, i feel so invisible. I just hate it. I just wish this didn't even exist.

[@cgarcia3614]

Thank you for working to get information out there. I really want to be a better support for the child of a family friend whom I've known for a while, but whom I've only recently found out has SM. She's spoken to me once before years ago and never again, and that one time that she told me "I'm not shy, anymore" is when I recognized that she didn't in fact hate me and was just another kid with a special issue that I had not yet understood. Anyway, the dear girl is about 11, I believe, and pops up in my Sunday school class infrequently. I have no clue how comfortable or uncomfortable she's feeling and what lesson accommodations I should make. I don't want to neglect her in class. She can't engage verbally in discussion and she's VERY reluctant in her movement, as if she's frozen. I don't pressure her but I fear not including her enough. Should I not draw attention to her at all? I'm 19 and taking education classes but kids are all so different and I really value your help. PS- I'm really gonna have to work on that no-eye contact thing. Although it seems to have worked to get another child I know, a very shy 5 year old, to speak to me. :)

[@theselectivemutismblog4406]

Very helpful video! Thank you for the excellent presentation you gave at the SMIRA conference yesterday as well.

[@ConfidentChildren]

Thank you - I'm glad you liked it :)

[@robinruth9569]

this is very accurate especially #s 5 and 6. I had a teacher that did #3 all the time, it was the worst experience of my life.

[@ConfidentChildren]

I will be running a workshop in February 2016 entitled: How to help your child with Selective Mutism. Please see www.confidentchildren.co.uk for more details. I hope to see you there!

[@earthangel1978]

+Confident Children I would love to learn more!!!!! My son has autism is this normally seen in children with Autism or can it pretty much effect anyone?

[@ConfidentChildren]

+mommas2monkeysThere is sometimes a comorbidity between autism and SM however, there are also people with 'pure' SM and no other condition. The workshop is on 6th Feb. More info can be found here: www.confidentchildren.co.uk/#!workshop/uaqz0

[@earthangel1978]

Thank you!

[@ekdover]

Where are you running the workshop?

[@blondesloth]

I used to have SM until I was 18. I'm now 24 and I'm not talkative, but if people ask me questions I'm now able to answer. At 15 years old I used to be bullied at school and I started to have panic attacks, so I decided to go to a psychologist. Overcoming panic attacks somehow helped me to manage my social anxiety. I didn't use any drugs and stuff, I just made a big effort. Of course, it took years. I still feel uncomfortable when speaking, sometimes I still blame myself and I happen to be paranoid, but I recognize that even though I feel insecure, what puts limits to my life is my own mind. How I wish I weren't this anxious! But hey, if I became able to speak, I can be able to manage my anxiety too, right?

[@Briony28]

Ive never had selective mutism but I have had severe social anxiety my whole life and was extremely quiet at school with one teacher saying my voice was barely audible most of the time.i remember the same teacher saying she knew I could talk so why did I not talk much to her, but I just found that so difficult.In secondary school the comments continued with one teacher saying on red nose day that I didnt need to do a sponsored silence because that was just how i lived my life. Teachers really need to learn how to interact with kids with selective mutism and social anxiety in a more understanding way.

[@josephzimmerberg1688]

I found writing emails to teachers to be the best way for me to ask questions and communicate.

[@ffgille]

Thank you. I have adhd and in my early childhood I had to shut my mouth therefore not to show a stupid impression, too often I had to hold my mouth. Now only when I'm "relaxed enough" (or if I'm 'going out of my head', my speech is relaxing enough and I am good understand

[@monicacampos3154]

Thank you so much! May God Bless you...I was doing everything wrong😕. Not many people are aware of this condition I just found out today after taking her to her pediatrician and my daughter has had this for about a year now..she is 10 yrs. old. Thank you once again.

[@joshbartley5451]

I have selective mutism. I am trying to find videos that will help people understand me. I'm 13 so when I tell my mum or anyone that I can't speak ( because she knows I hold her hand and it tells her I can't speak. ) but my mum just tells me to grow up when I'm not speaking and will refuse to watch any videos. Any Help please?? I do go to a group therapy but I always get asked to speak and nobody else that goes is like me. They are all capable of speaking and aren't shy. it's just an overall anxiety group. I have asked many times to be put in a certain group and they aleays ignore me. Help?

[@ConfidentChildren]

Hi Daniel, I am so sorry to hear that - please pass this video and my others, perhaps the 'what is selective mutism' onto the therapists who run the group and any family members - I hope they start to understand

[@kellitrevino650]

My daughter is finally getting an IEP for SM and GAD, SAF. We will be having our IEP meeting soon. You’ve given me some tips to include in her IEP. Thanks!

[@jcomm120]

Many of these kids suffer from hyperacousia. Interventions really need to take this into account.

[@GoodDream123]

Thanks for sharing this video. This is very insightful. I am going to support my son going through SM.

[@GoodDream123]

Mommy

[@jenniferg.6121]

I remember in 6th grade my teacher yelled at me when I wasn't participating in zumba exercise and I felt embarrassed and I tried not to cry and then she sent me outside and talk to me. Till this day I'm now in 11th grade and I still don't talk. I've been like this since 2nd through 11th and I never got treatment because my mom didn't know about selective mutism and she thought I was shy all this time.

[@chersmith7441]

This is ... amazing. I had this from 2-6 and never had any therapy but have had a life FULL of non stop anxiety , debilitating anxiety. Wonder how my life would have been different had I had some sort of therapy. I've had I don't think one restful night sleep my entire life.

[@songbird377]

I had SM from age 4 to about 10. I thought it was apart of my personality and I hated being different from everyone else who could talk without a problem. So one day I had the idea to "change my personality" and created this fake version of me and that helped get rid of the anxiety of SM.

[@Anirahen]

The more I hear about selective mutism the more sure I get, that this was exactly my problem in my whole school time, during my studies and still often nowadays as an adult (not as bad anymore, but still very uncomfortable...). Watching this video, I so agree with every single of your tips. How I wish my parents and teachers and everybody else in my surroundings had known about it... I guess I wouldn't suffer from depression and social anxiety and extremely low self esteem as bad now... Maybe I would even be able to build friendships and relationships if I have had therapy back then... :/

[@qtpieandkids]

This is a fantastic video. I have 2 teenagers with SM and have struggled all their lives in schooling and social situations. I found this video good for people who haven't had success in gaining my children's confidence yet, but wondered if you would make a 2nd video on what to do once a child has been speaking in a limited way in class ie how to stretch them that bit further. My girls are now interacting with selective people at school but this can turn off if their anxiety is raised by something. I'm in Brisbane, Australia and have had the girls in therapy for years but without progress there. Only through time and persistence at school have we had some success. My 14yo also is a high funtioning ASD which further complicates the situation. Any advice for her would be welcome. Thanks

[@NTC]

Thank you so much for posting this!

[@shashankballur8421]

Awesome video. Good job, Ms Nathanson!

[@siennas3186]

It was very very mild with me not at school but with certain people. My mother sent me to Drama school on the suggestion of a friend because she was worried about it and it worked. But the teacher was experienced in working with kids who had lisps or speech issues and 'shyness'. They didn't ask me to speak but just got me to join in anyway in other ways. They then gave me lots of stimulation to speak like you say in improv etc. After a year it worked! I began to speak freely but very quietly. The only mistake she made was one day after a few months she took me up after an improve in front of the class and said 'say well done to her because this is the first time she has spoken loud enough to hear' I wanted to DIE. I would say the worst thing for parents to do is let it lie. Don't do nothing.

[@moonchild3028]

I'm 13 now and don't have it but mine lasted around when I was little little and I don't think mine was that severe. Now I'm just seen as a shy person from time to time (mostly a perspective of my teachers,) but I include myself and trust myself so I encourage others still suffering in a later age to hang your head up High and hang in there :>

[@yu1821]

So lucky omg I'm 14 and I don't speak at all I only speak to my parents

[@madelynrae4897]

Wish people knew this sooner 😞 and thank your for this video I'm 12 years old and I started not talking at 3 😥

[@blancaorellana6079]

Agradezco tanto la información que nos da es tan valiosa para mi es mas que verdad lo que usted dice yo tuve este problema de niña y hoy la tiene mi niña y es tan difícil mas cuando los demás no entienden o no conocen el problema. Dios le bendiga y muchas gracias.

[@edwinagrant5713]

Thank you for this very helpful information. I just have one question which no one seems to have an answer for. At school is it okay for the teacher to reprimand them for not writing down their answer or whispering their answer to a friend when the teacher has requested for her to do so? The teacher, and myself, are worried that they learn to get away with things because they can't talk. e.g. they may start thinking 'well I don't have to do that because I don't talk' or 'I don;t have to say sorry because I can't talk'. They are not learning to take responsibility for their actions? How do you deal with this please?

[@ConfidentChildren]

Edwina Grant I have emailed you Edwina :)

[@slothmilly9012]

Confident Children curious about this too!

[@ConfidentChildren]

+IrishDance Milly I can completely understand why no one has been able to answer this question because the answer would differ from child to child. With SM, we need to be mindful to minimise the child's anxiety levels but at the same time try to maintain an as normal environment as posible. It really is a balancing act and it all depends on the individual child. I don't know your child or the individual circumstances so it's hard to say, but generally I would say it's best for the teacher to treat the child with SM as similarly to the other children as possible while being mindful of their SM. So in this situation, I would address the issue with the child in a gentle way so not 'reprimand' them as such, but rather say something like: 'Samuel, it's really important that you write your own answer - look at all the writing you've done before (while showing them) I know you are really good at writing' with the aim of encouraging them gently. If the work is too difficult for the child and that is what's causing the child anxiety, it may be an idea to lessen the difficulty of the work initially until their confidence has increased. Otherwise, I would provide encouragement to the child and praise once they've done some writing rather than telling them off for not doing it. What we don't want is the teacher to tell the child off in such a way which increases the child's anxiety. They could convey to the child what is expected in terms of writing at the same time as minimising anxiety around writing. I hope this helps :)

[@Boobalopbop]

I think my 5 year old may have SM, but I don’t know if having everyone follow rules of dealing with her is that helpful. I want to prepare her for the real world, where she will have to interact with people. Is it really healthy to raise a kid to believe that everywhere they go, every one will cater to what ever makes them the most comfortable? I think this way is raising her to become a shut-in.

[@cosmiclouds]

I wish the staff at my school would watch this. I've had teachers make me speak in front of the class then yell at me for not talking loud enough..

[@stevejameson9324]

Very helpful summary thanks

[@naughtyhumphrey9350]

Ahh ! Everything you said has happened to me 1. My middle school teacher would always tell me to talk and he’ll get me in trouble and get really mad so then most of the kids in class started looking and telling me to talk 2. At time I’m just sitting on my desk and someone starts telling me to talk then lots of kids join in and no one tells them to stop, someone screams across the room “HI!” “AREN’T YOU GONNA SAY HI BACK?? RUDE”, or when we sit in a table of groups my table begs me to talk.. 3. Another teacher once started telling me off because instead of replying with “yes” “no” I shook my head and she was telling me things like “can’t you speak?” “Say it in words!” And so on which is very embarrassing especially when she’s saying it in front of the class and I sit in the back 4. Lots of people mainly ask me why don’t I talk, can I talk, do I know how to talk etc.. 6. When people hear me talk because a presentation the class goes silent gasp and says SHES TALKING, YOU SHOULD TALK MORE or THIS IS MY FIRST TIME HEARING HER TALK And that puts so much stress, anxiety and sadness Into me which sometimes causes me to cry because the pressure then more people start putting attention to me

[@asii900]

I wonder if the exampel with Alex, was reffering to the patients name or if it was a charater in a book or a toy you are working on together at the moment? (The thinking alloud question, exampel)

[@JeremiahsJourney08]

Interesting. Coming from the ABA world I can see some things I’ve been doing wrong. This was very helpful.

[@boat937]

I actually got diagnosed with this a few days ago but I got comfortsble speaking just sometimes I cant speak when calling or to people I dont know. My kindergarted teacher or kids did not know that I had this. So the teacher would basically bully me. It sucked she didnt understand when I was trying to give her signals haha I am a very anxious child ive been like that since I was born and it just sucks but my life is great so im good :).

[@abel4148]

help me please, i have a problem in speaking in public, and people keep shamed me, my face get red all the time, that's make my life so difficult :(

[@sunnyindisguise]

How can I differentiate a normal shy kid to a kid with selective mutism? My child is 2 yo but we have joined the play group for 1 year and he shows almost no social interaction with teachers or staffs and he is always silent in the class. He can talk a lot at home but almost never talks to others. Is he a kid with selective mutism?

[@leonhendrison2580]

many thanks for sharing this!

[@cuekinaja]

I just read an article saying you should specifically praise the child for speaking, wait for a few minutes for their reply, etc. The total opposite of this video.

[@drinkbleach163]

The therapists treated me wrong, in school they’d tell me to speak or else people will think I’m strange and rude or that I’m just being stubborn

[@pamicianicolas2512]

Thank you

[@amilial.fightselectivemuti630]

Cool video bro good luck!!!

[@aubeauathaarlem]

Thank you so much, your video full of most important information for me (a mother of a daughter 8 years old with SM) and in the same time this video makes me crying - because I just realised my stupid mistake / stupid reaction in to her SM. :( Just make it worst. I wish I saw this video earlier.

[@thenextstepfan1552]

I’ve got for selective mutism since I was 14 and I’m now 15 and when I’m in school I whisper to my teachers when answering and the class sometimes has to be quite so my teachers can hear me but when at home I talk normally and I need to do a speaking and listening thing for English for 5 minutes and I don’t want to do it

[@Marieparawho]

Thank you for making this video! I work at a kids youth group & one of the 5th graders is so shy, I’ve never heard her speak a word. And I’ve known her for 3 years. I’m not actually sure if she has selective mutism or not. But I feel so bad for her when I watch the other adults try and get her to talk and I can tell she is very uncomfortable. I am so curious as to what’s going on in her mind. I wonder what she’ll be like in high school or as an adult.

[@AnaLucia-wy2ii]

I just started tutoring a little girl who doesn’t have selective mutism, but she barely speaks. She reads out loud to me in a teeny tiny voice. And if she answers a question, it’s barely above a whisper. If she shakes her head yes or no, it barely moves. It’s the tiniest movement. If she doesn’t know an answer, she doesn’t say anything at all. I have to wait to make sure I’ve given her long enough because I don’t know if she’s still thinking about it or not.

[@aurelianspodarec2629]

I was in secondary school from 2008 till like 2013, in the UK, and belive me or not, I got detentions because of this, many times. Teachers are just totally ignorant. One teacher, even told me in person that I'm doing this on purpose - she would have been right, exept that this was old information that was belived people with SM did on purpose. She was like 60years old or such, so outdated information, just like with the school work xd 4:30 - mehhhh you explained it. Nice video overall. I'm 22 now, and since I was about 16 I've realised this, googling and stuff, and since then, I just read self-development books and such, and overall I got a lot more confidence, and I can talk to people and stuff now, except girls xd but still a long way xd I guess its just with girls. I've noticed that, with girls is of coruse worse, but when I was younger, I was more shy around guys, only because I started to develop a pattern that I got from being around girls at school. Tho in general I'm fine around guys so uf, at least each time better. But long story. Id pee my self on the bus at the age of 17, 26hours ride with other people around my age, I didn't pee my self by a miracle, because on hour 23 one person told me that he seen me sit here all the time, without going out on breaks and stuff, and asked me like a billion times if I need to use the bathroom, I said a trillion times no, with my head noded, and then I noded yes, and he stopped the bus and still managed to go out on the station to pee xd I would have peed myself. Tho, prior to that trip, I made sure I would not drink, so I got dehydratd, then I wouldn't eat, because everything contains water and my spine was absolutelly hurting from the sitting, eh nevermind. One of a billion stories : p Tho now I can go and pee, self development books help xd took me like what 5years for any effects xd better that than nothing, still go a lot more to go xd

[@junliu629]

Thanks for the video, it is realy helpful

[@yu1821]

4.30 I've heard that so many times "can speak for herself"

[@yu1821]

I got the diagnosis at 4 I'm now 14 it ruined my whole life and it still does

[@DarkKnight-2020]

I have selective mutism & it is not fun.

[@beryllium.7778]

Thank you so much for this video :-)