The Double Blunder That Renders A Narcissist Impossible

[@lt827]

"How can I get what I want now with the least effort?" is the perpetual mantra of the narcissist.

[@RandomAnonymousChick]

Amen 🙃

[@caroleminke6116]

It’s simply ALL manipulation. Period.

[@alonzomosley7]

Dead on .

[@Victoria-c4n]

Touché!

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

From my experience, narcissists are so foolish that they chase away the empathetic kind, and loving person who would be an asset to them, for a momentary feeling of superiority. The only people left in the narcissist's life are rude, mean people who use them as they use their rude friends, they are always engaged in silly drama that has no purpose except feelings of dominance. This feeling is so fleeting that they have to keep doing this over and over again while in a state of continual stress.

[@Delacari]

Your first sentence resonates greatly with my personal experience. Their foolishness also makes their own daily circumstances more difficult due to ignoring solid advice for their benefit. It's so on going with major and minor things alike that it's painful to watch. Coming to terms with the patterns I unknowingly partook is definitely causing a level of grief and loss.

[@a.pepper6687]

​@@Delacari, knowing is initially painful and it does bring grieving but it can turn into freedom for you. This doesn't mean you will need to necessarily not continue the relationship completely, but it does mean you will be tuned into doing some emotional distancing. You will be aware of the love-bombing moments and not buy into them. If you receive the biggest gift you have ever received from them, appreciate the gift, but do not think for a minute it means 'love'. Knowledge is powerful and now that you have it you do not have to be fooled or manipulated EVER again! God bless you with joyful and healthy years ahead!

[@Delacari]

@@a.pepper6687 Thank you for your encouraging words. They are a comfort to me. Praying for a blessed year for you and your loved ones 🙏

[@familychromebook1852]

So true.

[@Cathy-d3t]

That's what I said " I actually loved them the most"😢😢

[@lt827]

The narcissist never sees that their lack of planning causes emergencies and harm to other people.

[@PantaRhei-wz5zn]

💯Exactly. There is this great sign circling on the internet: "Your lack of planning is NOT my emergency". just saved it, would love to use it as my screensaver...

[@higherlove8886]

I'm not sure if it's their lack of planning. I think it's more that they don't understand their impact on others, they have giant blind spots.

[@PantaRhei-wz5zn]

@@higherlove8886 I dont think its so much that they do not understand, its more a case of they do not care...

[@well_weathered]

​@@PantaRhei-wz5znThe will turn that around on you.

[@well_weathered]

​@@PantaRhei-wz5zn🎯

[@JanetSnakehole28]

My ageing parents threw away the perfect future elderly narcissist caretaker (me), simply because they wanted to gratify their immediate need for supply via a brutal discard. It was truly baffling, almost like intentional self sabotage. I'm now over 3yrs no contact, never going back, and their only potential caretaker is the coddled golden child who lacks both the empathy and practical skills they'll need when the time comes. Narcissists are the definition of that meme of the guy riding a bike while shoving a stick in the spokes.

[@caroleminke6116]

My younger sister the golden child who also became a nurse in midlife to care for our mother got disinherited just like me… she never saw it coming & fought my father’s will in probate for a year, which was nice for her lawyer! I had prepared & gone no contact already

[@markcain9380]

You will get blamed, no matter what you do or try .

[@JanetSnakehole28]

@caroleminke6116 I suspect that was all intentional, as these types love to give a middle finger from beyond the grave. Narcissists are terrified of death, as it's the ultimate loss of control, especially around their image and narrative. Inheritance battles keep everyone stressed out and distracted, especially between siblings and the surviving enabler parent, so good job walking away from the whole show ❤️

[@brucefriedman1]

Narcissists have had the unmitigated gall to confess to me that if only everyone in the world acted like them, there would be no problems. After considering their statement for a few seconds, I thought what a tiring, burdened mind they must have.

[@kittanz3033]

a narcissist told me tonight, - we are just so so different...honestly its futile.- My reply was, - yes, you trying to control me is indeed futile.-

[@rmp9417]

HUGE lesson and reminder.. I've had those double blunders when devastated and feeling abandoned in my late 40s & 50s. Further "tragedies" & then constant counseling & I have turned around and now thankful & humble

[@amandagish5976]

You've explained STUPIDEST financial transaction of all time in my family. Thank you for all the insight, I finally get it.

[@yellowbird5411]

Engaging with a narcissist about anything at all other than what they like for themselves, is a negative, stunted, resentful effort that is usually short lived. The constant picking, picking, picking is exhausting. You cannot do anything right, you don't see things the right way, if you would only do this or that, if you would just listen to them, you are guilty of 10,000 things, everything is your fault, either directly or indirectly, and facts never matter. Ever.

[@nrain5629]

Very well put

[@donnadriggers5718]

Facts...Bahahaaa...NEVER...

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

Spot on dr Carter. Narcisists have given up on reciprocal relationships because they have given up on themselves. They harm you and in the process they harm themselves. Self care is crucial and it’s not selfish but it is for mutual benefit. Thank you dr Carter ❤ God bless you ❤

[@michelepascoe6068]

A narcisstic parent makes their child feel worthless unloved and incompetent and then, when they don't do well at school, academically and/or socially, the parent resents the child for not making them look good as a proud parent. Double blunder.

[@dnuzjak3482]

Once again, thank you Dr. C. I actually told my narc sibling, when we were in contact, that he is a predator, not knowing that this is a characteristic of a narc. Thank you for shedding that light in this video.

[@jamaalhorton2343]

Talking to a narcissist is the absolute worst!

[@rosieE121]

So many don’t understand how taking responsibility is essential for joy and happiness.

[@caroleminke6116]

Not too mention integrity

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

Yes, confessing our flaws and sins is the beginning of maturity. Those who do not do this are spiritually and emotionally immature.

[@rosieE121]

@@gwendolynwehage6336 It’s not only that. We can't take pride in how we conduct our Iives or be ok with ourselves if we haven't even stepped up to the plate before us.

[@duromusabc]

NEVER DO BUSINESS OR FINANCES WITH A NARCISSIST- they mess it all up and blame it on you - crazy insane twisted behavior

[@surlif]

🎯💯

[@caroleminke6116]

It used to be called cutting off your nose to spite your face & everyone else too!

[@alonzomosley7]

You always end up the loser

[@James-mc5hc]

Another characteristics of a narcissist is they are completely unpredictable for a normal person. A narcissist logic is not understandable for a normal person.

[@a.pepper6687]

Doctor Carter, you are completely on target! Totally! 🎯 It's sad. Also sad for those of us involved with them. But as healthy people, we are overcomers!

[@BaraSchmidt]

Narcissists blame everyone ~ and everything ~ for their failures, faults and foibles. and take credit for YOUR successes, AND THEIRS! Yuck! Just ~ YUCK! Stay Healthy!

[@JackieFerrell-f6o]

Thank-you, Dr. Carter. This is an excellent podcast for me for several reasons including my thinking my ex-husband is a predator because of what was revealed to me over the past couple of weeks. I contacted a good friend of mine because I felt my ex-husband was exhibiting predatorial behavior. My friend said to trust my gut because his behavior was definitely predatory. I discussed this issue with my therapist two days ago, too. The other issue you raised today regarding harming us ends up harming the narcissist, too, supports what I have been wondering about the past couple of months. What a lot of validation for me and what you say is helping me to trust my instincts more and more.

[@well_weathered]

You hit on everything. 💯

[@JackieFerrell-f6o]

I think an example of a double blunder is my ex-husband cheating and abusing me because it was what he wanted and he enjoyed what he did, so I divorced him.

[@well_weathered]

@JackieFerrell-f6o Q How is he revealing himself still? Is he love bombing? Or is he just giving glimpses into his way of thinking?

[@caroleminke6116]

Not trusting your gut got you into the situation initially because the body never lies to you!

[@well_weathered]

@@caroleminke6116 Believe me when I say I am not trying to be rude. You know, I would like to say something here. Not every situation starts out with someone acting predatory, it can actually seem quite the opposite. I know your wounds run deep, it has impacted all your decisions in life. Not everyone started out without people in their lives who were lighthouses to them like Dr Carter. There are situations that arise much later for whatever reason and things can rapidly deteriorate. ✌🏼

[@amandaliverpool3374]

I thinking sometimes they forget what they've lied about! 😉

[@TurtleHillTx]

It would truly be hard to keep all that straight. My mother thinks I'm stupid and won't detect multiple lies in 1 round! I'm just supposed to sort through all of it in search for truth. Truth is: if they're talking, they're lying.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@TurtleHillTx Yes 👍

[@lishmahlishmah]

My problem is, I realized (in the last year) that NOW it's not possible to understand the true "data"... I have just a huge bunch of lies... For example, 3 or 4 (or even more) versions of the same fact... At the moment, I simply trust myself , as much as I can, ... for example about some relative of mine... ...considering just one of the narcs, my mother was telling lies about everyone... Both in a malignant way and in her "normal" way... She just doesn't care about reality .. She has her reality, alternate reality, as dr C says many times about narcissists

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@lishmahlishmah I'm so sorry. It must be hard for you being your mum 🫂

[@Gardenwitch1954]

Yes!

[@Hatbox948]

Narcissists are very difficult to have conversations with. I found myself trying to avoid talking to the nex about anything.

[@caroleminke6116]

It’s called gray rock 😉 it’s how you take back control

[@Hatbox948]

@caroleminke6116 Thanks for telling me that because I really didn't know what "gray rock" meant lol. I'm having trouble with some of the terminology, but trying to learn.

[@jodycasey6936]

Gus is the smartest dog on the internet. Thank you, GREAT installment today. So proud to be part of Team Healthy❤

[@andreacook6000]

The double blunder!! I have observed this again and again.

[@michelepascoe6068]

My mother's double blunder was telling everyone how terrible or useless her three husbands and children were, playing the victim, but also making herself appear a bit of a failure as a wife and mother. Her smear campaigns indicated to others that she made poor decisions and her family was broken, even as she slandered us.

[@pumpupthejam28]

Oh my goodness. I couldn’t count as many times as I’ve heard the phrase “I know you better than you know yourself!” That struck multiple chords! I hate that phrase!

[@visaormastercard]

I had narcissistic parents. My overt mother said it often.🙄😞

[@alecstuart5266]

Perfectly said Dr. C.

[@caroleminke6116]

My favorite quote about a narcissist is the just watching the slow mo train wreck… 92 years in my father’s case & 55 years of my life spent waiting for the inevitable

[@sthomas4634]

Grieving is an important part of the process, and even more so when a young person in the family is a narcissist and they have children.

[@lishmahlishmah]

Ok, here I am, battling against AI algorithms (and fearing that one day Dr. C will make a video about the actual average emotional age of us survivors). My first thoughts: narcissists put us in the role [ -> actual role, implicit role, hidden role ] of fixers of all their problems, practical and psychological problems. At the same time, since the beginning, they had convinced us that we were incapable people. This way has led us to exhaustion, burnouts, complex traumas and much more. The blunder is, the narcissists themselves destroy their own source of supply. More precisely. The narcissists want their supply and also want the destruction of the target/supply. A narcissist will do it with every new victim. So, even if we considered only the "functional" relation they desire the most, this is a big part of their "stupidity pattern" because they keep on destroying and/or pushing away from their lives the people who could have helped them. Instead, either for burnout or for our healthy decision, we will not be their problems fixers anymore. Mostly because... they don't want to fix any problem. They want the problem.

[@mariegumpel4955]

Exactly

[@pippinpenn]

They have a problem for every solution 😂

[@lishmahlishmah]

​@@pippinpenn if that saying exists all over the world, there is a precise why 😅😭

[@mariegumpel4955]

@@pippinpenn yep.

[@caroleminke6116]

Narcs mirror our lack of security as well as our shame 😉 people without power issues don’t get involved with power hungry people

[@Kunjesvari]

The ultimate saboteur, i couldn't believe how he overplayed his hand thinking he could just take. He could have had everything he wanted if he had just been nice about it. 😅 He couldn't stop raging. What a sad sack.

[@alonzomosley7]

I went through this I was so good to him the first year .Then I realised he was just milking me .I cut everything off there is honey and vinegar he loved vinegar .He is the loser.

[@judyhogarth80]

Thank you so much for this session,doc. Always helpful. I now have nothing more to say about the narcissist. His partner of 35 years used to be cheerful and bubbly. Now she looks aged and I never hear her laugh. She has completely changed. Myself I chug on with my life. The narcissist is extremely interested from afar. He watches from behind his net curtains!I don’t care. I have a full life and plenty of things to do.. these sessions have really helped. Peace at last

[@KRT-e8v]

Thank you for this channel and all of the content! I have grown so much and I have learned A Lot from my healing journey and I confidently stand firm on team healthy! Let there be light.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're quite welcome.

[@rossanderson5243]

Be as calm as Gus.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Good advice!!

[@elmaswanepoel1598]

😂 going to remember this!

[@PetraNytt]

I used to say "I know people better than they know themselves". But I realized it was hyper vigilance for the people that were around me. I was always in unsafe environments, so I got to learn people and their body language pretty well. Words meant nothing and were said only to hurt. Leaving my family to venturing out, made me realize how different narcissists really are. I didn't even know what a narcissist was until two relationships later. But I knew there was definitely a connection when it came to the people I chose. I realized that I didn't actually know anyone. Whether they knew themselves or not. But also, I couldn't read anyone but narcissists. It's like I can pinpoint them in minutes. And in the beginning it was just an uneasy feeling. But with your help now I know there is a label. Your help made me second guess everything. It made me see patterns and why I chose narcissists to be in my life. And why hyper vigilance had given me the impression that I knew people better than they knew themselves. Thank you for your help!! You've been a pillar in my growth as a narc free future 😊

[@aaronkwolfe]

Truly stumped, but intrigued.

[@Teacher369]

Could it be, first lying, then lying again to cover it up?

[@johnbodine8381]

Thanks I was missing Gus

[@alsims8280]

You are a great inspiration in the dark of night. Thank you!

[@helenemohlin4261]

Thank you Dr Carter for everything you do may God bless you and your family I never forget when we had the school finishing and everyone were at church singing. She didn't bother to get me new clothes, only a jacket i choose, which I loved. Everyone else were dressed up. The kids singing. She drove me there and went in to where I was, then everyone were looking at her, looked like many knew something. She stood there, in front of the stage and a huge cross behind me, and she just stood there didn't know what to do, and she left running out saying she felt judged. I never forget it, and it felt like I was having some sort of justice. I realise now it was God that stepped in. But it felt humiliating, my clothes and that she didn't stay and how I heard everyone praise their children as something normal and I just realised it was normal, and I never ever had it. It was sad, but it also made me see more she was not right.

[@sallyjaynes2433]

* DRC * ...... Reminder 101, thanks Dr. C. always 🙌

[@familychromebook1852]

OOOO the first one is my parent. She has tried to convince us that it's noble. I would love to be of service within reason, but I don't want to be manipulated and I would like my needs to be respected. I sit here and think about nice things I want to do for her all the time, but the lifelong put downs have run me off. My nervous system can't take anymore. I decided I'll have to find a way to do nice things from a distance.

[@rebellaire55]

This explains why my dad is not a long term thinker. He was offered an opportunity to migrate in the US during the late 70's but he refused it. He can't fathom starting all over again in a new country because he is too posh for it even if he didn't come from a rich family. He ended up taking on a job back home in a third world country that has a fancy title in it. Years later that company ceased its operations in our home country and he ended up jobless. Wonder what would've been if he stayed in the US, aside from me being a cotizen and having the opportunities a first world country can offer.

[@blacksmith88]

I once suggested: If we could settle some certain, even small issues in advance, we could sleep peacefully at night.. No. It doesn't work with a narcissist, everything is roulette.

[@caroleminke6116]

Power

[@surlif]

Not calling the narcissist out on what they are doing takes a vast amount of internal fortitude. I am trying to tell myself that it makes things worse and won't help but I don't believe myself. Doggone all this takes so much energy, learning, practice, grief work, effort toward even figuring out who I was before I gave my power away unknowingly all those years ago to a self centered, phony acting narcissist. The churches told me he was a man and just submit to him. (Especially, a certain evangelist in Texas.) Now I don't even know what to believe about God. Don't mean to be ugly but that was not asking for advice from anyone about what to believe about God. I have been in churches all my life and taught Sunday School and heard it all. oops, sorry. I am upset and venting. Trying to get hope again. 💔💔💔

[@well_weathered]

I separate what I know of God than that of the men that operate now. I asked for help for so long now and it turned out to be a dead end.

[@well_weathered]

Calling out their thinking has been a game changer for me.

[@MarinaLifeAnimal]

It will get better, keep going, have hope, it's not easy but it's worth it and so are you ❤

[@karmakane9069]

I have hope for us, I’ll pray for you. Faith over fear when dealing with these demonic entities. It’s insidious, but I believe you, I believe everything you say! Loving others is my new me…he hates that❤🙏

[@mikeseitz2792]

Exactly........It takes a toll!

[@well_weathered]

This is a lonely way to go and not for the weak.

[@meganswanepoel8756]

Caught by the narcissist (again). A type I didn’t have experience with….. He was the nicest, kindest and caring, deep person to begin with - a double blunder of excessive drinking, partying hard, abusive behaviour to have chemo for cancer the next day…. Needless to say to end up excessively dehydrated and critical. Us (yes, he was initially my patient, so the deep care was there already) healthcare workers pulled him through and walked by side to get get stronger during the worst of the cancer journey, after this episode, for him to do exactly the same drinking splurge a few months later, ending in even worse verbal and physical abuse. Horrible ridicule and rage. Just no learning, kindness and decency in the bigger scheme of things. Scary. Waking away may have saved my life. Cancer doesn’t even humble or change the narcissist for the better.

[@karmakane9069]

I’m sorry, he was always a monster. The person you love is just a mask, fake, and under no circumstance can you help. Monsters hate love and god…don’t let them steal your love for life.

[@RavenStealstheNight]

No, cancer or any life altering event does not cause these people to reflect or have introspection. In my experience, my Nmum, used her cancer to double down. It's as if she threw her gloves off and no longer cared who caught her in the act of ugliness. She had cancer and didn't care. And astoundingly, people gave her behaviour *ANOTHER* pass, because now she had cancer on top of her bad luck😒

[@a.pepper6687]

​@@karmakane9069 In just a few placed words of precision you nailed it!

[@margaretdonovan1649]

Thank you

[@bereal6590]

One of mine, their latest thing is to sy something awful that cuts me down then later (months!) to say sorry and add a caveat that I should say next time. Next time I say something I'm met with contempt! Why should I have to monitor what's clearly a rotten thing to say! Just don't say it and certainly don't react badly when im hury. What a mind f!

[@RandomAnonymousChick]

💯🎯🏆 Thanks Dr. C

[@johncummings5755]

Very good knowledge . Thank you

[@MasoudJohnAzizi]

"Only those who attempt the absurd will achieve the impossible"... -Dr. Albert Einstein

[@lishmahlishmah]

Perfect description, dr C. Thank you !!! This is another validation 100% . (in my case both family and ex-boyfriend. All these people, yes, and we all know why we tend to fall in the trap again with same kind of people until we wake up, and set and maintain our personal boundaries. @Megan, I've read your comment and your "again"). I wrote a post with a bit of the financial abuse I went through because of my ex narcissistic quasi-husband, an individual oscillating between vulnerable covert narcissist and incredibly overt narcissist... (Note. The abuse in my family of origin is... too complex to give a sufficient idea in few words of what it was like. I mean, it was all "enmeshed" so subtly with all the other deep malignant abuses, a sort of upside down condition that, from external normal viewers, I understand it's almost impossible to decode). However, I don't know if the post is visible. Sometimes I can see it on my phone, and sometimes it's not there. So, I don't know. Most probably the youtube filters has interpreted that comment as financial products spamming 😂🥴😭😂

[@karmakane9069]

I’ve never had narcissistic rage but I do now? How can I fix it😭. It’s what he loves, he loves me mad and disoriented. Confused.self doubt, constant devaluation. It’s abuse but not to him because he doesn’t hit me.Hes a demon and I’m trying to get out✌

[@pamelamoore6239]

See him for what he is...protect yourself. Get a life of your own.

[@ANaturalLife777]

Dogs are so precious and wonderful. ❤

[@nitaking9616]

I have been married to one for 40 yrs- I’m not sure I can get “out” now, but just needing more info on how to stay in it. I’m just now learning self care, but he seems to bird dog if I’m not near (and he gets bored)

[@lishmahlishmah]

Some good resources online Dr Les Carter *Why Some People Can't or Won't Leave a Narcissist Dr Ramani *The 2 kinds of No Contact Dr Ramani *I'm NOT trauma bonded but I CAN'T leave the narcissist Dr Kerry McAvoy interviewed by dr Jaime Zuckerman *When leaving isn't an option with dr Kerry McAvoy

[@Cynthia-t9s8d]

Keep a of incident involving a narcissist. I'm now free from my narc partner with the help of*_Top_notech*…..

[@BeverlyStearns]

What do you do if it is your adult Son

[@CJ_Pharaoh]

I'm sorry. But hearing doc say "baby mamas" . . . 😆

[@well_weathered]

10:53 💯

[@fred.k9875]

🙏

[@VickiBee]

I was really concerned that Trump wouldn't be able to keep his narcissist mouth shut during Carter's funeral service but (thank God) he surprised me. He was having a sprightly conversation with - of all people I'd have never guessed - former president Obama. This was before the proceedings got underway.

[@caroleminke6116]

Michelle skipped it to avoid sitting between them. Obama probably flattered him & maybe being treated with respect made him feel like a grownup. Can’t wait to see him laid out there!

[@hartofnixie7060]

This is not supposed to be a political forum

[@beenthereby24]

I was appreciating the comments until I came to yours and caroleminke6116's, which made me angry. You are not psychologists or psychiatrists and are too ignorant to be diagnosing someone and wishing him dead. Dr. C., please delete such comments on this site. They detract greatly from your consistent messages.

[@VickiBee]

@@beenthereby24 No, I'm just someone, who was almost murdered by a malignant narcissist parent, one who's always thinking what she did was AMUSING. I'm forced to live with lifelong consequences from what she did to me. I'll say anything I want about their total absence of humanity. SHE'S more stupid than I am - and evil as the 3-headed hound from hell. What they do is not ok, unless you want to be their victim for life. I refuse to justify abusive behavior. They've already taken way too much from me; they're not taking my spirit too.

[@kittanz3033]

I DID NOT BRUSH MY TEETH FOR YEARS FROM NARCISSISTIC ABUSE... I SLIPPED INTO DEEP LONG DEPRESSION THAT MADE ME UNABLE TO EVEN BRUSH MY TEETH FOR A VERY LONG TIME. IF YOU ARE STARTING TO NEGLECT ANY PART OF YOURSELF PHYSICALLY, YOU NEED TO LEAVE OR GET INTO THERAPY RIGHT AWAY. DO NOT BE PASSIVE LIKE I WAS. BE PRO-ACTIVE AND GET HELP RIGHT AWAY. I SUFFERED BY MYSELF NEEDLESSLY... EVERYDAY I WRESTLED WITH MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ALONE. REMEMBER EVERYBODY, GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES. TAKE ACTION. SAVE YOUR PRECIOUS SELF. GOD WANTS TO SEE YOU THRIVE AND LIVE YOUR PURPOSE. GOD DOES NOT WANT TO SEE YOU HOPELESS, DAMAGED AND BROKEN. ABSOLUTELY NOT.

[@Cynthia-t9s8d]

@@kittanz3033 Keep a of incident involving a narcissist. I'm now free from my narc partner with the help of*_Top_notech*…..

[@rossanderson5243]

Be as calm as Gus.