Narcissistic Upbringing: Why You Struggle to Ask For and Receive Help

[@andreaostermeier5271]

I'm doing the program "road to self" at the moment and it is just great! Highly recommended for anyone who struggles in any way with a toxic family! Do yourself a favor and join it.

[@drsarita-questioneverythin3194]

I was conditioned to believe my life mattered less than others ..and I over functioned to the point my own health was falling apart …and I worked as a physician saving everyone’s life but my own -your work is life changing -Self Preservation is Not Selfishness Thank you

[@monicaperez2843]

@@drsarita-questioneverythin3194 Please do not confuse self-care with selfishness.

[@Survivin2Thrivin]

❤

[@maevey3]

I can relate. Best wishes & healing to you.

[@LAKXx]

you matter. bless you

[@michaelallen1154]

DrSarita-questioneverythin3194... Hey there... Love your handle.

[@cyndeetaylor]

Just had the thought recently, that when we are raised with emotional neglect in our families, we learn early to emotionally neglect ourselves.

[@HeatherRay-b7z]

We are literally taught psycologically that its bad to care about ourselves.

[@saskiakarels4184]

This happened to most of mankind in the meantime... which leads to addiction in one way or another according to Dr. Gabor Maté... I quite like his way of explaining life and its difficulties.

[@SooperTrooper100]

I can’t even imagine asking for help. Literally. It is equivalent to asking to be abused.

[@matthewdietzen6708]

In the USA, asking for help would make things worse. Blamed, shamed, gaslit, pathologized, etc.

[@carolnik3793]

Yep, I know!

[@sv-yh3mq]

@SooperTrooper100- I'm reading what you input here, and you stated this, and it is what I think, what your last sentence said, is what I think. I feel very upset to read it and realize it- but I think I was to read it.

[@camiller4916]

Wow, ur post really resonated with me. When I was 8 or 9, my mom took us to visit a hunter pal of hers. Well, he was busy butchering a deer. No one told me it was going to happen. We grew up in a city, so hunting was not normal for us. I was supposed to just stand there and be quiet. The strong smell of the blood coupled with gutting the deer was making me gag. I ran out of the butchering area crying. I never asked for help, I just ran. My mom made fun of me for years, she would laugh at me and mimic the gagging. I didn’t know how to feel. Do I laugh along or do I yell at her. I just froze when she would start making fun of me. I didn’t know what else to do. Looking back, I realize that I could never show weakness or ask for help because it did mean I would get abused. Fast forward to present, I have learned to ask for help, but it is still a struggle. When I ask for help now, I pat myself on the back and say good job. And, I would have prepared little-me before we went, I’d give options for what to do if I felt sick to my stomach, and I would not make fun of little-me.

[@aloksrivastava7938]

Same here. I always thought what was wrong with me? I could not ask for help even after my forehead was severely injured after an assault by the narcissist. I was ashamed to even get my head bandaged.

[@thatchmeister4755]

Needs are ignored or ridiculed in early life. Later in life, I’ve seen this manifest as a hesitation to have certain physical comforts, such as extra heat or a new mattress, because the person is so used to going without and feels that basic needs are a luxury, and they can make do. You don’t have to make do! You deserve comforts!

[@joannesaltfleet2071]

One of my friends said to me I shouldn't have to make do with things!

[@authorericar.stinson4849]

I got tired of hearing excuses, and people hemming and hawing every time I ask for something. Yet if it was the other way around I was expected to be there for everybody and not complain. I had to go low and no contact with many toxic people, because of this, as I have learned over the last few years that I matter.

[@Marie-ts8rp]

Same my friend🌈

[@BBelle64]

Interesting. Most people raised in this type of environment are absolutely incapable of asking for help. They learned quite early in their childhood never to ask for anything, so they never even attempt it.

[@amarbyrd2520]

Exactly. Sometimes it feels much less like US not believing our needs don't matter - but OTHER PEOPLE behave as though they don't, and I don't even know you other than to acknowledge you as part of the community here, but I too have heard that same hemming and hawing when I've asked for something from anyone ... EVEN (and sometimes especially) WHEN IT'S SOMEONE WE HAVE HELPED BEFORE ... and those people don't even have to be the neglectful narcissistic people we grew up with. Upsetting, maddening, and almost make you despair.

[@joannesaltfleet2071]

​@amarbyrd2520 its extremely frustrating isn't it when that happens!

[@Timmywhimmy]

​@amarbyrd2520 story of my life. I dont really consider anyone as friends or family anymore. The other shoe always drops at the end of the day so i dont waste my time anymore

[@AmandaR-z7m]

One of the easiest way not to have to look at your own problems is to prioritise the problems of other people. There are so many people drawn to the caring professions for this very reason.

[@charlottehanna790]

I appreciate you and I thank you. I'm healing at 61. Things get difficult when your alone in a big world, especially when aging.

[@JamesJoeeight-o4f]

As a small child I realized my mother would take a strangers word over mine every time,I believe my hate for her started around five,as an adult I now understand why some people abandon parents and move across country to avoid any conflict…..

[@Laney_75]

So true. I was conditioned to be minimized, serve their interests. It's caused me problems in all my relationships & trying to please toxic people. Lately I really battle with wanting to isolate. Not wanting to extend myself outwards, wary of obligation or involvement. Thank you Jerry.

[@caroleminke6116]

Me 2 💗

[@RenoLaringo]

Totally relate to that. I now live like a wild bear for so long... toxic natural parents, toxic adoptive parents, and toxic wife.

[@camiller4916]

Same here. Except I have an awesome husband. I have a handful of friends but I still feel I can’t reveal myself because I realize there is some toxicity there and it’s too exhausting trying to tease it out and I don’t completely trust anyone

[@NothingNew4You]

Same here and I’ve given myself the gift of No Contact so that I can heal. I got to the point of feeling so overwhelmed and overburdened with meeting other people’s needs that I just stopped and more or less vanished off the face of the Earth. Best thing ever! I bought the focus back on to myself and my needs. I just became unavailable to needy narcissistic people. Their problems are not my responsibility. I decide who I might help but I’m not helping when I know damn well they can take care of their own stuff. Acting 🎭 ‘Helpless’ to manipulate me, just goes over the top of my head now. I’m not taking the bait! Don’t feel bad for isolating yourself. You’re on a healing journey and you need to do it your way! Fellow hermits understand ❤

[@dafloridaman]

I rememeber asking my parents and a few enabling extended family members for $20. I was 13-14 years old at the time. Something told me to not tell them the reason why, which was for my first ever date. When I asked them, they made me feel like I committed a crime with all the questions they asked me along with being ridiculed. Once my parents (notably NMom) found out why, not only i was grounded but i was not allowed to date. At that moment is when i made it a point to have my own money so i will never had to ask them for $**t. Unfortunately, I neglected self from them until a few years ago. Jerry, thank you for this video.

[@danielkaiser8971]

My situation was somewhat similar but with different priorities. Money was not the issue with NMom because I had a part time job. My NMom needed to know everything about who I was dating, or so I thought; but in retrospect she didn't care who I dated, she only cared about whether I was experiencing joy and that was her signal to sabotage everything in every possible way. EDIT: But the part about making my own money is identical to yours. In high school I studied literally everything I could because I knew it would help me stay employed making money one day, and I would never have to ask NMom for anything ever again -- and that's exactly what I did. Her response? Suddenly my success was irrelevant to her, but at least I never had to go back home for anything. You know what, @dafloridaman? Your health matters, your feelings matter, and YOU matter. 💯😊😸👍

[@clearsky1744]

Yeah, I am a "my-own-money" person too

[@belitr5915]

When I asked for help, they sabotaged it. Either they mocked me or stole from me. I am still going through this now.

[@Loris88Angels]

Asking for help exposes our vulnerability then used against us.

[@Outback69]

That's what I deal with

[@marcamp5450]

Wow. That’s me! I help everybody but CANNOT ask others if I need something. Your words are spot on. I never feel inconvenienced if I’m helping others, but think others will be inconvenienced if I ask them. Wow.

[@lwells3937]

You must need help from people, what do you do

[@marcamp5450]

@lwells. I do it myself. I find a way to do it. I struggle with some stuff that’s hard, but I would rather struggle and even hurt myself ((things too heavy to move etc) than ask! I feel as if I’m asking for too much no matter how simple the ask is. On the plus side, I have become very independent and strong. I certainly have never been needy! lol. It’s not a good way to live and I’m very slowly asking for some small things. I don’t even ask for someone to go out for coffee cause they might reject my offer. I hate this but I am working on it. ❤.

[@lwells3937]

@marcamp5450 that's good to be independent but that's really hard not to have a least a little bit of a support network, especially if you have kids

[@Denise-y2c]

Yes

[@neutral.chaotic]

Yeah. I used to be super proud of my "hyper independence". After a little bit of healing, I realized what that actually was and where it came from. Upon that realization I felt sad 😅

[@AltheaMcIntyre-c4s]

Same.

[@joannesaltfleet2071]

Today I have made a big step forward and have asked to be referred to counselling!

[@katereaves8710]

It’s so hard because when you finally get to a place where you ask for help and then you get a lecture, it puts you right back into that place where you feel like you’re a 10-year-old girl again. Then you just learn not to ever ask for help again so it’s like a catch 22.

[@joannesaltfleet2071]

I get extremely infuriated when those who are paid to help you don't!

[@annking8633]

Overachiever and perfectionist here. Have endured 61 years of narcassistic abuse from my adopted mom. She's 98 now so it's almost over. I still can't ask for help at work. 😢

[@AA-iy4gm]

I hope you get to retire soon in peace and comfort.

[@annking8633]

@AA-iy4gm thank you. Work is my escape. Thank goodness I love what I do.

[@leaozturk9923]

Yes you can

[@ianyeh75]

I know how you feel, and I hope you find a way to stand up to your narc parent soon. I’m about to take that big leap, I’m 3 months away from 50, he’s 84. Most people, including my wife, have always said “what is so hard about saying no and walk away?” They don’t know until they’ve been through it themselves. Sounds easy enough, yet, somehow they hold a kryptonite over us. For starters, we been indoctrinated with so much guilt.

[@DawnGreen-wn4hr]

It never fails…they live long lives!

[@visitorcat9153]

As a scapegoat in a narcissistic family system, my role was to look after everyone else's needs and wants first and foremost. It would basically be unthinkable to have any needs of my own because that would be "selfish", plus any gift or help from a narcissist would come with a heavy load of debt of which I would be reminded time and time again of all the ways I would be endlessly obligated to repay them.

[@moscowcowboy_13]

I was always made to feel guilty for my gifts.

[@Denise-y2c]

YEP😢

[@jwilson6315]

Your statement has made me realise why I've felt so undeserving of gifts off others but I still don't quite fully understand why I'm not able to shrug this off​@@moscowcowboy_13

[@NothingNew4You]

You’ve been treated like a scapegoat and expected to play that role! Me too! But you’re really not that label. You didn’t sign up for that role. As far as also being labelled as selfish, me too! If you are caretaking the needs of everyone else, how can you the also be called selfish? Makes no sense, does it? Just another brainwashing behaviour modification tool they use to manipulate and control. ❤

[@sandycares2995]

I've always known that. But now its clarified. Eg. I was scared to ask mom for a dime for a scribbler in school even to the point where I was strapped by the principal for not bringing it. He asked why , I said " I don't know" Always to this day cannot ask for help. Something comes up in me. I had no voice whatsoever. No opinions no questions. robotic

[@TheSmcdona731]

I asked my mother for help once when my daughter was two. I only needed a short break. Her response? You'll be ok. That told me everything I needed to know.

[@marywolfe6598]

Wow

[@mariadaquila7587]

This really hit home. I never ask for help even though I’ve helped many through the years. I feel awkward asking for it and don’t want to feel like a burden to others.

[@ChuckF-oy2rm]

Narcissistic parents do not nurture their children and are solely focused on their own wants & needs. This leaves the child in an emotional desert having to fend for themselves while being the servant of the narcissists. It's tough on kids to be in that situation, forcing them to grow up quick to survive in their toxic family system. This video hit home in that my parents needs went before my own, having to please them first while feeling guilty about asking for help from pretty much anyone. I also had trouble enjoying life's pleasures feeling I should be doing stuff for other people first or being a 'pleaser'. Jerry is right in that you should reach out for help from others without guilt. It does take work, introspection and repetition to reprogram yourself to a happier life. Mentally rid yourself of the narcissist parent and live a happy life. It's never your fault. Good luck to all in finding your authetic self. Thanks Jerry!

[@siennaprice1351]

I have a hard time asking and receiving help, support and validation. If I’m emotionally dysregulated, struggling, or if I’m having a hard time with a task, and someone notices this and they ask if I need help, I’ll either shut down and go mute, or I get annoyed with them. I’ve learned to self cope, and do it all myself. I have way too much pride when it comes to self coping, being independent and doing everything on my own when it comes to my own journey.

[@RM-qq5rj]

Yes, me too. Especially the getting annoyed when they ask. And then I feel guilty I was annoyed at them for asking. I wonder what that is. No one has talked about that reponse yet that I know of. I would like to learn more about that and why it happens and how it can be worked on and changed in us.

[@monongahelacats]

I feel this

[@aquateal384]

Same here. Because I see it as a "test", or a trick. If I accept help, then they can use that later to accuse me of being incompetent.

[@Kuoxsr]

As a child, I was riddled with severe asthma; hospitalized for it regularly. Back before the invention of the inhaler, when I would have an attack, the only way to stop it was to receive an injection of something called Sus-Phrine, and only my father could administer it. Well, he taught the babysitter to be able to do it, but for whatever reason, my mother never learned how. Occasionally, I would have attacks after going to bed. I would wait as long as humanly possible to ask for help, and when the lack of oxygen got too much for me to handle, I would sneak into my parents' bedroom and try to wake my mother and beg her to do it. Why would I do this, knowing that she didn't know how? Because every time I asked her for help, instead of saving my life herself and sparing me what came next, she would instead wake my father. When my father woke up with the news that he had to give me another shot, he would sigh heavily and angrily throw off the covers as he got out of bed. His sleep was more important to him than my continued existence. I was nothing more than an annoying inconvenience to him. I have only spoken to either of those people once since Memorial Day 2022 (because they showed up at my house unannounced one day), and the behavior I describe above is one of the many reasons for it. It disturbs me that it took so many decades to finally throw those terrible people out of my life.

[@caroleminke6116]

Never go back because there’s a target 🎯 on your back now! Go on & go no contact so you can heal plz 💔❤️‍🩹♥️

[@moscowcowboy_13]

I had terrible asthma too, I have learned it is auto immune and comes from ptsd.

[@moscowcowboy_13]

I had terrible asthma too, I have learned it is auto immune and comes from ptsd.

[@danielkaiser8971]

I was diagnosed with insulin-dependent diabetes in 1983 at age 12. On the very first day, and every day since then, I tested my own sugar levels and prepared and gave myself my own insulin shots. All my mother did was call me lazy when I was fatigued and use testing my sugar levels as a form of punishment. But never once did she learn anything about insulin dosing or giving me the shots. She cooked for a month, then we went right back to frozen TV dinners. She couldn't be bothered.

[@pkc3168]

That is horrendous and breaks my heart. Your children if you have any will be well protected by you, I just know it

[@christalaos8614]

It is such a a rabbit hole, not only did I internalize the shame, but I also went towards selflessness in order to not be like her. I feel also an intense fear of being harmful like my mother, which exacerbates the inability to ask for help.

[@denizen9268]

Narcissists make life harder than it already is.

[@nilaja-itsmylife]

I only got things if I begged and cried. I was made to believe I was a burden. To avoid these feelings I find it extremely hard to ask for help.

[@carolnik3793]

Yep, me too!

[@Waterdiver3900]

Its not your fault an you are not alone their are still good people around but knowing who to trust is a different story

[@ShingwedziGlen]

Asking for consideration and being turned down is sometimes worse than your problem! Better to not ask for anything, that way you can feel they might have helped .. than to have it confirmed!

[@carolnik3793]

Yep, I hear ya!

[@danielkaiser8971]

I used to struggle with those very concerns earlier in my healing process. Even good people told me "no" sometimes and I was crushed. But as Jerry said, this was really just a systems-feelings thing, the way I was programmed to feel by a toxic family of origin. But you know what? You typically don't have to ask good people for their consideration. The good ones might tell you no, but they will find some way to make sure you know they really did consider helping you in whatever way. The bad ones will enjoy telling you no. Keep on healing.

[@ivyteacherwilson]

Omg, this is so true for me!🎯

[@love4uallone572]

Understanding the difference between the feelings I was programmed with and my ACTUAL feelings has been so freeing

[@WestchesterLatina]

Asking for help is not shameful. I needed this.

[@littledroogy]

Me too. It's a serious issue as we grow older and even having pl offering to help somehow scares me because it was never offered without strings attached and feelings of shame because I needed help. Thanks again Jerry. I am working on this and I still struggle,even in hard situations

[@jeankipper6954]

I cannot tell you how many times I've apologized to my therapist, for asking for help. He just gently laughs. Getting better at it.

[@marywolfe6598]

I don't ask for help because some people keep score and then "remind" you what they did for you. And.....when I have asked for help there was always an excuse of why they couldn't help me. I really don't want anyone to expect anything from me at all and there are some people that even if you tell them that you are not feeling well they try to make you feel guilty for saying no.

[@patf.3776]

I wish I could have had this information 60 years ago. I am now 72 years old and at least I now understand why I am so screwed up.

[@aibhilin1211]

Wow... Just a few minutes into this and had no idea this fear of asking for help has anything to do with my upbringing. Just, wow. Going to rewind and listen intently. Thank you for these videos, I've been bright to tears by some .. it's such a relief to realize why I have so many issues, that I'm not crazy and I'm not alone.

[@joannesaltfleet2071]

You learn something new every day!

[@montena369]

This is so true 😢

[@jasminesiddique3392]

So many of us in the same boat

[@backwatersandbackroads]

I was made to feel like I'm putting people out anytime I'd dare ask for some help. Even when I was sick, it was made known I was a burden.

[@KirstenLambert-nt8iy]

I'm so grateful for my boss . I've had to learn that I'm not to be responsible for others. I've had to look out for me. As I lived in a narcissistic family, I was supposed to help out all the time. My health was being neglected and I was doing things for others that they should've been doing for themselves. Now, I've stepped back, and I don't volunteer to help out anymore. I was always cut down, not invited to my sisters' weddings. Nobody wants to call me, now since mom has been gone, my sisters contact my daughter to find out info. I don't respond.

[@karenfromva]

If I say," no I cant." My mom will say" well what do you need". Then she would grill you on times and tell you " you can make it after" or " you have plenty of time. "

[@sunnyadams5842]

I call that Narcissistic Shoehorning.😂

[@camiller4916]

Maybe change ur response to: No. Then don’t give a reason. If she breaks u down, maybe say I don’t want to

[@ThildeWeems]

Wow!! This is totally me. I went through 2 serious cancers. I could feel the seething resentment from my siblings and so I asked for them to give me space and relied on my church. I am still being punished for asking for space 🤔 and so I soldier on. Really challenging!

[@AA-iy4gm]

So many people view situations through their own perspectives and how it affects them primarily, in translation, it's selfishness...wishing you health and contentment on your terms.

[@DawnGreen-wn4hr]

I’m sorry.

[@cosmicqt9647]

I never understood (until recently) why it would never dawn on me to book a doctors appointment or even simply take an advil when I had a headache. I wasn't trying purposely to tough it out, nor did I choose not to seek help because of feelings of unworthiness.... I had been conditioned for so long to never consider myself or my needs.

[@carmenm.9522]

Asking for help came with such a huge “pound of flesh”. It just wasn’t worth asking for anything.

[@JanetSnakehole28]

Years ago, I fell over in high heels one night and just went home, ignoring the pain all weekend. Reluctantly went to the hospital, and a horrified doctor said I'd destroyed my ankle and needed surgery. He mentioned my 'it's fine, I'll walk it off' attitude was what he'd see in old dears with the WW2 stiff upper lip mindset, not a 22yr old girl. Only recently dawned on me that I'd internalised my parents' minimising and invalidation, something I'm still working on. I'd be interested to hear you talk about self-righteous narcissists and things we internalise from them. I learned in therapy that my burnout at 38 was largely fuelled by an 'if you're not highly productive, you're worthless' mentality that was 100% my dad's influence.

[@danielkaiser8971]

Yes, and don't forget the part about when good people praise your work, you can't even feel proud of yourself for a job well done. That was my issue. Praise in the toxic family of origin was just a prelude to others taking all the credit and/or a crash and burn ending to my healthy pride.

[@camiller4916]

Both my parents were over-achievers and us kids always felt like we were losers compared to our parents. My dad had a way of just looking at u and he would scowl, which meant u were a loser. Anyway, I’ve spent my life trying to find the perfect career, the perfect this or that. It’s exhausting, so I finally gave up and learned that I’m ok the way I am

[@JanetSnakehole28]

@danielkaiser8971 the taking credit thing is one of the worst things they do, especially if they used 'control through neglect'. I learned by 16 that I was on my own, so started a weekend job to save for university, even though my parents are wealthy. Moved out at 17, fended for myself ever since, with zero support of any kind. And yet, according to the smear campaign, apparently I wouldn't have wound up in my big, fancy London job (that nearly ended me) without my parents' handouts and constant support?! I've heard similar stories eg, a scapegoat works all summer to buy a cheap old car as a teen, goes no contact years later, and their mum whines online about how she did everything, including buying her child their first car 🤦‍♀️ I bet they believe it too, like a weird kind of rationalisation to cope with the shameful reality.

[@JanetSnakehole28]

@camiller4916 well done on finally doing what you want. The best part of my recovery was finding my real personality with the help of trauma therapy. Turns out that the reason my brain broke after decades in fancy office jobs was because those were just 'do you love me yet, dad?' jobs. In reality, I want to do something outdoorsy like landscaping or indulging my love of cleaning.

[@Hansa7122]

My father has a clutter problem / diogene disease, and thinks I'm the problem. I had 2 accidents in the cluttered corridor, he never understood it is due to clutter. He also stole all my stuff from my apartment when I sold it. He says he does this to make sure I never throw away the stuff, and it is my stuff I bought with my money,

[@NothingNew4You]

My father kept all my personal stuff that I threw out when I was a teenager and I discovered it when cleaning up and decluttering their property. It was a real invasion of privacy and a boundary violation, which he constantly did to me my whole life. He even kept my underwear. Ugh! Well, it all got dumped AGAIN.

[@modalities]

Thanks Jerry, this very much addressed a lifelong behavior. The other remnant of a narcissist upbringing is that I never had close friends. At 70, I don’t feel comfortable making or investing in friends. But “other focused” for me is that I would do just about anything for anyone, but not friendship. I can ask for help with my family and get it. Outside of the immediate family, doesn’t (yet) work.

[@carolnik3793]

I'm 66 and I hear you, and can relate!

[@PaintingandExercise]

Through narcissistic neglect I learned that asking for help is the wrong thing to do. Being in need of another's help made me vulnerable and at risk for being harmed. Asking for help usually resulted in being told NO. So, I do not ask for help unless it is an absolute necessity and it usually entails hiring someone to help me. In exchange, I resist being easily available for others to expect them to help me. I learned that "help" is a one way street and not in my favor.

[@joannesaltfleet2071]

I got told no ad infinitum for requests for help as well! Once I got told that others are more important than myself!

[@Denise-y2c]

Yes narcissist ask for help even if one has just had surgery, but the one who had surgery is shamed for asking for any small assistance , like help oickinh something up.

[@Denise-y2c]

Picking something up Off the floor, when you cant

[@joannesaltfleet2071]

Back in 2019 when I got told no for help and others were more important than me I shouted back about how I was extremely fed up of how those think they are so important and think the world revolves around them and they get everything they want whilst I miss out and shouted how its not fair the way they rule the family and always get their way and slammed the phone down!

[@andie6959]

Thank you ❤ After a few attempts of asking for help as a child and a young adult and being told by my parents that I am useless because I need help, it took me fifty years to understand, that it is okay to ask for help. I listened to an interview where a person said it was hardest for him to ask for help and he wishes he knew years ago, it is a sign of strength asking for help. It made me think and changed my life for better. Also it is important to ask for help the right people, not the narc parents!

[@monicaperez2843]

I was an overachiever.

[@caroleminke6116]

People pleasing was such a wrong way to use our energy because it drains us instead of enriching our lives 💔❤️‍🩹♥️

[@sv-yh3mq]

​@@caroleminke6116- I'm fried by this. It's very upsetting to me. I'm glad you wrote it. I had no idea how much it would hurt to realize it.

[@annastone5624]

BUT**** I spent YEARS trying to LEARN TO RECEIVE. Now I look back on those years with deep chagrin! Because being able to receive was not my problem. I feel I was so gaslit with that feedback about myself.. The problem was no one WANTED to help me!!

[@awakened9906]

I stopped asking for help because the family system has taught me that *help* is relinquishing control, being taken over, and doing what we are told and in return, we are in debt for a "favor". I hire help instead when I truly cannot do it on my own.

[@guardianmorgans]

Thank you so much for all your healing. I'm nearly 60 and after the death of my father I've woken up to the realization that my mom & one brother are narcissist-sadly and through you I know I was always the scapegoat. I guess I'm a little slow-lol. Again know you have helped me so very much🙏

[@caroleminke6116]

I prefer to hire professional help rather than to ask for favors from people whom I don’t trust or want to owe future favors & that’s very empowering

[@caroleminke6116]

Same here!

[@sharpfamily4938]

The idea of asking for help feels like I've failed, somehow. My mother always "praised" me for being "easy" and not giving any "trouble"; so I stayed in my room 90% of my life, kept out of her way unless she wanted to trauma-dump on me 😅

[@enoughtotry]

i have started learning with jerry's teachings. he helps survivors. he truly is a good person & understands survivors. ty jerry, you are truly wise.

[@marywolfe6598]

Jerry, thanks for all your "HELP"!!!!

[@jerrywise]

You are very welcome

[@claryp1509]

I struggle with asking for help because I was born disabled but my family treats me as if nothing is wrong with me. When I was in school and even today on the job, I struggled to ask for help because in my childhood, I’d always get yelled at by my mom especially, whenever I needed help with simple tasks (I have 2 “invisible” disabilities) like putting my shoes on correctly, styling my hair, etc. It’s overflowed into the corporate world, and I fear that those I need assistance from will always yell at me or be sarcastic while assisting me. It’s exhausting and makes me worried I’ll always lose my job. I’ve been fired enough in my career to know this, unfortunately. I wish I could ask people for help without bearing the consequences of snarky attitudes and them thinking I’m stupid.

[@TR-lk4ik]

This is so much like me…I now ask for help , but it was hard because I’m used to doing everything myself for others…I’d sometimes get backlash when I did ask for help from certain family members…

[@catalinafirefly4685]

I don't ask or want help. I was the caretaker of everyone. Now I'd rather die than be dependent on anyone.

[@alicedowell3112]

Same here 💔

[@drgeraldinesanjay2139]

Listening to you Jerry made me think of my walk as a Catholic. The Sacraments are a powerful way of becoming one’s true self. Loving God Loving oneself Loving our neighbour. Holy mother the Church gives us the means to attain salvation & Eternal life . Thank you for helping people across the years . Physician Heal Thyself is what got me thinking as I graduated from Medical College. Jesus Christ is the Master Healer of our sinful selves . Love ❤from India

[@fredworthmn]

I am the poster geezer for no self. As Mr. Wise was presenting I went over all the ways I was there for others and then was accused of terrible things even behind my back. I panicked during this presentation remembering all this. I guess I am not ready for this course because I will “freeze” and / or go into oblivion mode. Won’t be the first time. Wouldn’t be the thousandth.

[@clearsky1744]

I thought I was only one not asking for help. But here in the comments everyone is like me😂😂😂

[@Ilikeart888]

I broke my arm when I was 12 or 13 while playing in the snow with my brother and friends… I did not want to tell my mom, but I was sure that my arm was broken. She yelled at me all the way to the hospital about something completely unrelated and unwarranted. She called me selfish because she had to drive me to the emergency room. I cannot ask for help as an adult. I feel like I’m bothering people. I hate it.

[@joannesaltfleet2071]

Back when I was 16 I got shouted at after my father had to pick me up from the high school as I wasn't very well which wasn't very nice!

[@sunnyadams5842]

Asking for help from a Narcissist will always lead to loss, eventually. "Loss Prevention" has been proven, in extensive scientific studies, to be more important to us than gaining new ground. So, that also works against us as a powerful psychological force we need to reprogram. We have likely been programmed to be both infantslised & adultified. I'm not sure how but that relates. Goid Luck, All. Happy New Year❤

[@fortis6258]

"Luck"doesn't exist. Saying that is djust a cliche, said by people who could cares less.

[@danielkaiser8971]

Luck is when opportunity meets preparedness. Become prepared by healing, then the opportunities are no longer lost.

[@namasteshantiom]

I struggle to ask for help because whenever I do no one is there. I’m the one expected to help everyone else and do it all for myself. Since I was born. I only ask for help when I really need it and always crushed when people who I thought would care do not. So I’m not putting myself through this again. What’s the point??? 😢

[@camiller4916]

Maybe say NO, when anyone asks u for help. If they ask why, u can tell them they can’t ask why, just NO and leave it at that.

[@ashleigh9659]

Keep getting told that working on myself and not worried about how my mother feels right now is just as selfish as her giving me the treatment for 5 months

[@joannesaltfleet2071]

I have been accused of being supposedly mean when I wouldn't give someone their own way! My definition of mean is getting nasty over silly little things not about not getting your own way!

[@andaydeniz]

Dear Jerry, I have just been thinking about this , this evening. Your videos are bringing so much clarity and support. I thank you and your team for your precious work. My best wishes for the year ahead 🙏🏻

[@Fullspeed18]

My family of origin (mother and brother) have nothing against me getting help from a professional. But whether I get help or not, I've understood that they do not like me changing my emotional location to a healthy position (I'm trying to do that and it works up to a certain extent), cos, according to the family feeling system, made up of their misinterpretation of feelings like guilt, shame, respect, fair play, etc, this would mean betraying them in some ways. Last but not least I have no money to spend.

[@graveyardghost2603]

This makes so much sense. Thank you, Dr. Wise ❤

[@denisebradley5020]

before i even watch: we dont ask for help bc when we did, we were sneered at, mocked, ridiculed, laughed at and Told NO... then we got treated Worse... just a guess. edit: ❤THANK YOU✝️ 🙏🙏🙏 (watched twice and shared...oh dear!! 😂)

[@dorotasowa-g9z]

The reason why people do not ask for help sometimes is very, very simple. People do not want to help them, when they ask for help. I asked for help in many places, and the only "help" which was proposed me was nursing home. Unfortunately I'm serious ill for less than 35 year, and also I'm disabled from childhood. Belive me or not, but people do not want to help if you have this kind of problems. They think about you as a someone who is worse than them. If they were in such horrible situation, they won't agree to living in nursing home, but when you are, they think that you should to.

[@amarbyrd2520]

I put this in the comments in response to someone else, but I wanted to reiterate it in main comments here: Sometimes it feels much less like US not believing our needs don't matter - but OTHER PEOPLE behaving as though they don't. I have heard the same hemming and hawing when I've asked for something from anyone as others have here ... EVEN (and sometimes especially) WHEN IT'S SOMEONE WE HAVE HELPED BEFORE ... and those people don't even have to be the neglectful narcissistic people we grew up with. Upsetting, maddening, and almost make you despair.

[@joannesaltfleet2071]

I have had the hemming and hawing myself many times!

[@Jeanetteleuers]

You're a top speaker on 'best self discovery'. Caring autonomy. Realistic, loving, *self awareness*, may be an essential basic component of achieving an own most loving and giving self, to everyone else.

[@joannesaltfleet2071]

When you ask for help and its refused its like having an office door slammed shut in your face!

[@danielkaiser8971]

Narcissists love doing that. People who aren't narcissists will be more respectful even if they can't help you.

[@myvortex5D]

So deeply true and so truly sad.

[@RenoLaringo]

Not asking for help also means you owe nothing to anyone, cse help is rarely given for free. There always comes a moment when you are presented the ”bill”.

[@theresecook-bright1757]

I only ask for what i cannot do for myself. When asked if i can help AND it's something they can do for themselves i say no. I enjoy helping others as a team effort. It ALL DEPENDS ON WHAT IS BEING ASKED!!!! I'll get over the guilt and shame. If they guilt and shame me it is a NO. I can't do that and try and help them find someone who can.

[@jilross4892]

And if we ask for help folks could use this against us and make us feel like a burden. Or expect immediately something in return

[@101iswhatsup]

"I look forward to seeing you this weekend.... I'm not going to make it.."- my dad

[@jamesdanton9033]

Mine would tease my brother and I that 'next weekend we'll go fishing together!'. It never happened, not even once.

[@nebbykoo]

Mr. Wise: I greatly appreciate your explanations of these topics. Thank you.

[@jelenab3412]

THANK YOU TO THE END OF SPACE AND BACK, I don't think my parents are narcissists, but there was some serious neglect involved

[@clearsky1744]

About being diminished, once I went for a date with a nice guy. The guy asked me something about my parents. I was trained that my parent's achievements were so great, that on that date I was talking with the guy about what my parent had achieved... Now I am thinking, did I not have anything to say about myself? The problem is, I did not exist at that time.

[@twocents8355]

Asking for help in my family meant getting a shaming lecture. As an adult, I never ask for help. If someone spontaneously does me a favor, I feel indebted for the rest of my life. I bet I'm not the only one.

[@lindathomas2350]

As a teenager I could no longer handle the treatment I was given and the false accusations. I begged my parents to let me go live with one of my other relatives who would definitely have done that, but all they said to me is what would we tell them? They were so afraid of having other people know what was going on in our home that they were ready to scrap me! Fortunately I recovered myself. It took a few years.

[@Marie-ts8rp]

Just WOW😢 Never had help & dealing w this now. Thank you Mr Wise✨️✨️🌈

[@enlumineresse]

Reading all these comments makes me strongly desire the existence of a no profit organization whose goal is exactly to help the very people who never seek help due to their narc parents. Hope one day such a place will open its doors of unconditional acceptance.

[@ElsieAng456]

How about when you finally ask for help and you're ignored? Or even chastised by a narcissistic half sister?

[@danielkaiser8971]

Narcissists won't help you, they will do things like you said your half sister would do. It's the people who aren't narcissists that will respond in ways that are not narcissistic.

[@enlumineresse]

I'm one of you...never-asking- for-help narc children... and I know one thing for sure: among you there are many who have problems asking for help even to a doctor when you're sick. I know that. Most of the times you prefer the sickness over asking for help to a doctor. Take care of your health , body and mind simultaneously. ❤

[@moscowcowboy_13]

I was in Turkey and had a problem with my plane ticket home and called my mom and asked for help, she not only said no, it was for my own good, but she called all my best friends and told them not to help me. Years later she claimed it never happened and that I am crazy. She just assumed I could get a job and earn the money to buy the new plane ticket home, not knowing you have to have a visa just to be there for a short time. It feels like they keep score with everything and they hate spending money so I am afraid to ask them for help.

[@danielkaiser8971]

Ask for help from people who aren't narcissists.

[@joannesaltfleet2071]

When I was 18 and at sixth form college the bus didn't turn up and I had rung home asking for a lift and got told no! Thankfully a friend's sister came and picked us all up and took us home!

[@mariehughey5390]

Not asking for help is me avoiding rejection. Not healthy if help is needed.

[@jamesdanton9033]

I can ask for help. I just don't. I overfunction and I'm still not appreciated. I work all day, everyday, always on the clock. Everything feels so empty now, pointless and endless. Most people seem crazy to me. I've never known this before.

[@ivyteacherwilson]

Exactly what I am working through for the past month. Asking for help and then carrying the toxic weight of emotions when told No. I used to exhaust every possible solution before I ask, adding weeks sometimes to problem that could have been solved in one day. Of course, I only double my problems because of this behavior response. I'm getting better ...especially because I'm giving myself grace while I continue to heal at 53.

[@yolandazach]

Wait we have needs? Oh yeah. But no one is there when we need, so we do for ourselves and become self sufficient.

[@Pukeyray]

Taking this attitude to the workplace is tough. Or when there are bullies in the workplace who take normal questions as proof and ammunition to make their target look inept.

[@joannesaltfleet2071]

At a place I got told by one of the managers that supposedly other members of staff were fed up of me asking for help when I didn't understand things there! Turns out they had made that up and no one had felt like that!

[@donnalindakelley3402]

I hardly ever ask for help. It is embarrassing in some strange way and I feel that I am putting them out. But last year, I had a medical issue and I needed a drive home from the doctor office, so I asked a friend if she could drive me home and she made excuses why it wouldn't work in her schedule. I live in the same neighborhood, so it wasn't really out of her way. But she said no. and I felt hurt that she said no because she had another plan that day. I used to get that response from my family when I was a child and needed help. I really do hate to ask fore help. I would rather pay someone to help me than ask a friend to help me.

[@Krlowanigu-mg6eg]

That proves shes not your friend.

[@Travelerofthesouth]

Exactly 💯 Something else that's huge in my family and still is.

[@shihtzuluvrtwo6386]

One time in our lives we have have use some help. We were both unemployed at the same time. He merely mentioned it and his mother informed him thathere was nothing to get. We didn't even ask! None the less, she to thus day has no problem helping out the infantilized one and the golden boy! We never, ever asked for help and she doesn't like that, she even expected us to help his brothers so she didn't have to, yet there was no way we were able to and would not have. The infantilized one (69) expects us to take care of him when the Queen B (89) dies. My husband told him "F" no time for you stand on your own feet. The look on his face was priceless. We are not going to keep him in the freeloading lifestyle he is accustomed to! As far as my mother, I never asked for anything ever. When I called, it was a what do you want. I gave up.

[@debbiejahnke8724]

I’m finding that toxic people glom on to me. Online it looks like people who private message right away. And they complain a lot but don’t seem to do any work to be better. And they subtly seem to gaslight in their responses and then soothe. I don’t want to misjudge anyone that might really be trying and I’m misreading it. However I will use some discernment there. Also people that have three therapists at one time and don’t seem to be progressing or seem to complain while turning away any idea of changing their thinking. That one actually traumatized me for a short time because it triggered old memories of therapy experiences. In light of the glommers I need to use discernment about who I ask help from

[@camiller4916]

Could u hire for anything you might need help with? I don’t know what to say abt toxic glommers. My tactic has been to only have a few close friends but to keep them at arms length. Seems to work for now.

[@debbiejahnke8724]

@ yes I look for good contractors for things. Good ones are sometimes hard to find but I have at least good plumbing and heating guys and the septic guys are great of all things. They deal in shit. He remembered what I went through in the family estate. My oldest brother forced sale with the excuse that they didn’t want to pay for the septic system. So my mom and I had to go all winter afraid it would back up and we couldn’t stay anymore. He came back and noticed a problem in the tank that a previous service neglected to tell me about. He said it was there when they installed it so the other guy knew. He just didn’t want to do the dirty job of climbing down there to fix it. And it was something that could’ve caused damage to the new system. So a thank you to an honest guy in the world for being honest and doing a good job. I need to see that overfunctioning is right now a necessity. And keep picking up better relationships. Trust comes with time. I have asked for help with some things only to find that no one comes forward. So now I don’t think of those people as real close friends that have my back. Like you I suspect there aren’t a lot of great characters around to trust. And discernment is key. Keep looking and sounds like your system is working ok. 👌

[@mI-lh7ro]

Omg, everything here is so on point.

[@kareemmohammed5270]

very painful, resonates, much appreciated Jerry for your insights as always.

[@scoobysnax9787]

I decided to watch all your videos that I completely relate to first before I do the "road to self" program. I have been watching quite a few. I must say they are all a fantastic revelation. You have no idea how many of your videos I relate to. It's really incredible. I am nearly there, I am very much looking forward to the "road to self". But I must say I am already very very impressed.

[@editorjeannie2318]

Starting at age five -my mom would make me ask my dad for child support knowing that he was going to say no. Wow just making that connection of why I hate asking for things. I got told no a lot and my mom used to enjoy making me beg her for things.

[@joannesaltfleet2071]

When I was 17 I was told to ask my father for a lift to where I worked on a weekend!

[@theripper1705]

Thank you Jerry Wise merci beaucoup

[@matikramer9648]

Thank you, Jerry As usual, it is right on time for me. I found myself having a block to ask for the help last spring. But till now i had not time to think about it. That was about a bunch of information missing, and I even had no clue about it. a bit awkward with my English, sorry

[@HeatherRay-b7z]

Thank you mr Jerry Wise.

[@jerrywise]

You are very welcome