Schemes Narcissists Use To Slowly Create Trauma Bonds

[@nancytwigg4631]

I love Dr. Cs comment. "You are not required to remain loyal to those who feel entitled to rob you of yourself!" Run free. Break the bond!

[@realhealing7802]

There's no freedom in a narcissistic relationship. No contact was my only option.

[@Pseudothink]

I like the idea of committing myself to Team Healthy, and being okay with not engaging with people who don't seem to be. It allows me to decide who is healthy for me, who is not, and my preference and own well-being is all the justification that I need for that choice.

[@tmo.48]

Just hearing that, I could breathe deeper.

[@lovesings2us]

Thank you for your comment. The line "You are not required to remain loyal to those who feel entitled to rob you of yourself!" really moved me too. I'm memorizing it.

[@LaniLanilei]

@@lovesings2us A narcissist do not deserve our loyalty.

[@Flynow-24]

They love to micromanage YOUR life, but you have no right to even offer them suggestions.

[@realhealing7802]

Narcissists don't deserve loyalty. No contact was my only option.

[@istateyourname4710]

Speaking from personal experience, it was most assuredly the sweet-mean cycle. A continuous, confusing, chaotic swirl.

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

I like the way you put it, State “sweet mean.” Exactly! That’s the trauma bonding secret sauce right there.

[@heneverforesakesme4038]

Exactly...or as I used to call it, sweet and sour or blowing hot and cold and if you confront them on it....instantaneous volcano full of rage.

[@mday3821]

That's a great way of explaining it.

[@bradmcewen]

I agree. Distant memories now but its taste will never be forgotten.

[@velvetgardenia]

The Tzimmis and the Tsouris

[@douaa1934]

Narcissists are fearful individuals that seek to transfer it to others

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You get it.

[@Shofargirl1]

Yes!😮

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Indeed!

[@mday3821]

Yup, instead of dealing with it!

[@rppope1006]

That's "mom "to a T. Her self awareness is truly sad. She is drawn to the beta bad bois that sold her all sorts of lies. They even told her to play sick games on me and deny my career because those betas were scared of how successful I was. Fear not for ourselves. God has already told me where they are going for fearing anything other than him.☦️ my life my not look as God intended however its only because of the actions of others. Therefore they are the ones who must make it right, otherwise they seal their fate into the pits of hell. 🤷‍♂️ they should have never transgressed upon God, my father, or myself

[@alyssaleatham8544]

A man saved me from an abusive relationship. I started a relationship with him, feeling like I owed him. I stayed for years and years of narcissistic abuse. Someone asked me why I stayed and I told him. He replied, "All you owed him was a thank you.". I was floored. Having been raised being told I owed everyone, I didn't know what normal was. Now I tell my children that all you need say is thank you and go about your life. Unreal that we don't know that.

[@dfeil5767]

Nice advice! Yes and it is unconsciously held as a truth that one owes others and that a simple thanks is not enough. The Narc observes this and grooms the person to be manipulated by this tactic through bestowing seemingly altruistic behaviors on the perceived victim which then paves the way for the Loyalty bondage. We do NOT owe anyone anything. And don’t believe anyone who tries to belittle you for a perceived or real mistake! A simple apology is enough and then move on! If there is retaliation then you have a Narc. Glorious to be graced with the realization and to be free forever from this manipulation and live free and happy! Sending out hope to all! Sometimes after having been liberated from this false trans-generational belief, I would still choose to go along with it for my safety if forced to deal with a potential Narc (eg taxi driver!) where you have no choice to get out. It has helped to build my wisdom and resilience, like a “refresher” course. It is very helpful but only with a lesser Narc so that one doesn’t have to deal with fallout retaliation. I left the taxi driver cash so as to protect my identity. and I had the same issue at a retreat where a participant started stalking me. I Left no trace and ensured that admin and teachers would not reveal my contact information. They helped hide my car and detained him until I was far away and not traceable. But I felt the suffering and humiliation of being his target and had to do some healing with loving kindness for myself for a few weeks. Stay safe and choose yourself! Note again; I don’t recommend provoking or going out of your way to test a Narc on purpose. The tests will come! Keep listening and consciously be aware that the tests are there to keep testing yourself to become stronger. Being aware is enough, observe your emotions, and then stay away and keep on the path of resolve to build and maintain resilience and wholeness! If I could do it, then You too can!

[@BbBb-xb5xe]

So true 👍

[@iahelcathartesaura3887]

I RELATE

[@Lavenderrose73]

Yeah, I know what it's like to feel pressured in a certain direction I'm not comfortable withere were a couple instances that I was grateful to be able to say I had someone in my life and I couldn't play around on him. He (the "someone in my life") didn't feel the same way about me at the time, but from my perspective at the time there was potential. That was enough for me to put on the brakes no matter what the other man wanted.

[@annettefayeth]

I read this TWICE!!!! Thank you is all that I would like when helping others. That Trauma Bond that Narc's have in their bucket is honed - they do it soooooo well. I need to get this engrained in ME.....THANK YOU....is all I needed to say - - and then move on to be ME. Instead 4 years later, i am still IN this relationship - - with a Covert Passive Aggressive Narc.

[@loekiekanters4295]

"You're not required to remain loyal to someone whose job it is to rob you of yourself.'" Well said.

[@ziziroberts8041]

Someone in my family made an extremely cruel comment about me 8 years ago and it was passed on to me by my daughter, and blamed on another family member. Apparently, it was said jokingly. Passive aggressive comments aren't jokes. It took 8 years for my mother to tell me who said it. And that's how narcissists and flying monkeys operate. I wish my family all the best. I am no longer available for abuse.

[@cynthiafortier2540]

Omg I LOVE that... I am no longer available for abuse!!!! You rock with that one!!!!

[@sanjmalik6282]

Love your comment Zizi, ❤

[@judyfreeman5193]

My narcissist often says he was just joking after saying something negative about me to convince others I am a witch and he is the best. The message is that I am a witch because I didn't get his funny joke.

[@sanjmalik6282]

@@judyfreeman5193 Narc jokes are never funny as they are always at the expense of someone close to them.

[@lasanadora2002]

I am no longer avaliable for abuse. Powerful beautiful incredible words. Thankyou!

[@chelleb3055]

One of the confusing ways I was trauma bonded in a romantic relationship was being "future faked" ie told what grand plans he had for us. Yet these things never materialized and if I even hinted I wanted him to follow through, I was treated as if I had come up with some preposterous idea he had never heard of and was ridiculous for even thinking of such a thing. Very disorienting!

[@heneverforesakesme4038]

Correct. A basket full of empty promises and then turn on you like a snake. Nasty attitude, entitlement, everything you confined in them was thrown back at you or "reenacted by them" slander campaigns on yourself and everyone in thier lives, constantly whinning, never happy, self destructive behaviors and then wanting sympathy from the outcomes...

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

Yes! “Future Faked.” In my personal situation it was a matter of highlighting all the future hopes, dreams, and goals we had in common. But when it came to making those hopes dreams and goals reality, we NEVER could see eye to eye. His plans for whatever HE has in mind somehow became “what we both had always wanted” and he was always claiming he was “just trying to do what was best for us.” There was no “me, him, and us.” There was only US (and secretly “us” actually meant him.)

[@velvetgardenia]

Disorienting is the perfect word for it!

[@chelleb3055]

@@AlwaysStampinVideos Yes, same behavior here. They also somehow manage to make others think they are working so hard at keeping the relationship together and you're just being demanding and difficult when all you're doing is trying to work in a partnership toward goals you thought you shared. It's awful!

[@rubberbiscuit99]

So familiar. Wish I knew what it was the first time I got that whiplash, so I could have run the other way immediately. Good the info is out there by now!

[@grammyspa-jammies1737]

My narc husband of 41 years has robbed me of myself, my peace of mind and my joy of heart. I finally got proof of his breaking our confidential talk through out our entire marriage. I had suspected for years that he was running me down to people behind my back. He also did this to my children from a previous marriage. So many times our so called mutual friends would treat me with rudeness and distain and I never knew why. But I have the proof now and I am so ready to take my life back, even at 70 years old. I just want to be able to breathe again!

[@sirid2987]

Sorry that has happened to you, but I am always leery of people who always plays victim and/or talk terribly about someone else, especially if it’s their spouse or family. It makes me think this person has an agenda to make me feel a certain way about him/her. It’s definitely a red flag and I no longer fall for that type of mind games.

[@roxymovie3938]

Goal of the Narcissist is to wear you down. Herefore the Narcissist uses several schemes, which can create a trauma bond. As a result you will have emotional fatigue, lots of second guessing, feeling as if you are never being enough, building resentment, contempt, bitterness and a chronic need to defend yourself. Schemes that Narcissists use to create trauma bonds: 1. Frequent use of imperative thinking ~ command oriented ~ very directive 2. Unwilling to accomodate your seperateness ~ "When you differ from me, you are wrong!" 3. Pervasive invalidation, being dismissive 4. Doing favors, then requiering admiration 5. Setting up a power differential ~ "I know better than you!" ~ "You are beneath me!" 6. No vulnerability, yet seeking your vulnerability ~ "Show me your vulnerabilities so that later on I can use them against you!" 7. They become easily triggered with anger 8. Being secretive as part of double standards ~ "You do not have to know everything about me but you have to be open to me all the time." What becomes prominent when you are trauma bonded? 1. Hesitancy 2. Paralysis How can you break free? 》Be assertive 》Follow your wisdom 》Be who you truly are 》Connect with healthy people 》Don't be loyal to someone, who robs you of yourself Dr Carter 👨‍🦳 and Gus 🐶, thanks a lot for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You did it again!

[@Snow-wz6eu]

@@Krishnapatel-rj6ot In the USA too🤣

[@visaormastercard]

I've dated my share of narc partners. I had both narcissistic parents. My overt narc mother played these games.

[@micheles8796]

Sooooo good, thank you 🙏

[@ahem.choice.spirit]

2:13 : Frequent use of imperative thinking 3:22 : Unwilling to consider separateness 4:08 : Chronic dismissiveness, invalidation 4:52 : REQUIRING admiration 6:06 : Pulling rank; power differentials 6:58 : Vulnerability from thee, not me 7:48 : Trauma bonding through blame 8:43 : Secretive (double standard) 9:20 : Their goal is to wear you down 10:43 : Paralysis becomes prominent 11:14 : Assertiveness: follow your wisdom

[@warrenbradford2597]

Thank you. I was going to create a list myself, albeit with numbers instead of timestamps.

[@yukio_saito]

Thank you for making the tracklist.🙂

[@terencehennegan1439]

Thank you.

[@Leafygreen123]

Thank you for this!

[@fainitesbarley2245]

I was amazed at how I lost my sense of self and in the last few days before I left, literally didn’t know how to behave. Left. Gone no contact.

[@malibu90265]

The scheme of the narcissist being "chronically secret" manifested for me as the ex-narcissist being a practiced liar.

[@jordanferguson2254]

My neighbor lied about his PhD degree. They do it so nonchalantly. Most people don't think to verify what people say and just give them automatic credibility.

[@malibu90265]

@@jordanferguson2254 Yes, nonchalantly. Similarly, he would lie to others in front of me, about his height and his education, for example. It even went as far as the ex-narcissist taking my resume and accomplishments as his own and we had completely different backgrounds. Everyone believed the practiced liar. Well, Jordan, we be free.

[@jordanferguson2254]

@@malibu90265 Damn, I got exhausted just reading that. The only way to fight that would be literally calling them out then and there or asking them related questions or just not sharing anything about yourself until you're absolutely sure it's not a narc. I've had things I've said repeated verbatim as if they came up with it. But yes, we be 😅🤟

[@malibu90265]

@@jordanferguson2254 I had that too! Where the narcissist would take my thoughts and words and ideas and speak them as his own. Looking back we can see the level of supply that provided the narcissist. At one family event I called him out, in front of his family. He had been holding court and talking about himself for 3 hours. He never once thought about letting others talk or asking them about how they were. In that moment, his family would have shot me dead if they could. But I am free of it now and forever more. ☮🦋Be well, Jordan. JW

[@clintonnagy1662]

My ex would lie by omission. If I lied by omission she would gas light me. Double standard.

[@chesterthomas5987]

OMG. When you said, "the way they look at you". That made the hair stand up on my neck. The blank, lifeless stare I have received from my fiance/girlfriend on countless occasions says it all. It makes a person feel worthless, unheard and unloved. I'm never going back to her.

[@redpillquantum60]

They're like a Hive of Demonized Reptilian Agent Smith's in The Matrix...

[@dfeil5767]

Bonding through anger by attacking those personal characteristics you value most about yourself is the most insidious way I was trauma- bonded.

[@Shofargirl1]

So was I.....no.more. Praise GOD. ❤

[@carolferguson19]

Me too 🙄

[@dfeil5767]

@@Shofargirl1 Yes !

[@kezziekz]

I feel like this was the one that grapples me the most

[@nancytwigg4631]

Trauma bonded. Yessiree. Gonna keep breaking free, working on independent, confident, healthy, and well self-cared for me. I am proud of my talents, my empathetic abilities, my humanity, and now super protective of my beautiful vulnerability. Yes. He hurt me badly, on purpose, and knows it. No more. I feel sorry for his sickness....but I'm running towards Team Healthy! I choose what I want. ...my own peace, my own joy!

[@cynthiafortier2540]

So beautifully said!!

[@deethelioness6905]

Keeping my mind healthy

[@ziziroberts8041]

Bravo. 👋👋👋❤️

[@angelablaney4575]

Well said🙏🙏🙏🙏♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

[@nancytwigg4631]

@angelablaney4575 Hi Angela, these bonds are so hard to break. But truly, it's so worth getting yourself and your freedom back! Day by day work it, GO NO CONTACT if possible....as soon as possible. Rooting for ya!

[@bereal6590]

The only happy times with a narcissist parent are when they're happy and you go along with it regardless of how you feel. Yes this is how trauma bonding works, either particular incidents or the slow burn which is the death of yourself by a thousand paper cuts ✌

[@debmcarthur1945]

Just now blocking my 90 year old Mom. I'm almost 70!!

[@pascalbro7524]

Your loving dad energy is off the charts doctor. This was a very informative presentation. Thank you for making it.

[@Rat_Queen86]

I love the protective dad energy too 😊

[@Lenticloudular]

I agree, he's like the best father (apart from my dearly departed one, of course) , but had such emotional insight. ❤

[@SrmNosnibor]

My friend and I call him our internet grandad! ❤😊

[@lambchop6278]

Great comment. So true. ☀️

[@ultralyrics1]

Whenever I tried to discuss anything that might put my narc in a bad light she would immediately go to the bathroom sit on the floor and put a bag over head threatening to kill herself. This has happened 20+ times. The topic I wanted to discuss with here (that would put her in a bad light) was her cheating on me at school as soon as I dropped out (we went to school together). Her response was to run away and put a paper bag over head threatening to kill herself. This ridiculousness has taken its toll on my sanity. In my opinion these people are reptiles with unlimited remorseless evil, there will be no convincing them in my opinion. I'm a shell of my former self and am currently escaping. Good luck everyone. I am seeking therapy through Dr. C's sponsorship, seeing people like him gives me hope!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

That last line...I'm pleased for you and I wish you the best!

[@lindabell2940]

Dude you hang on for dear life, a girl narcissist, thats right dude, your back your naturally strong, yea buddy go team healthy, dont take the gutter my Doctor dont play, peace out, we is strong dude, Bam

[@amandaliverpool3374]

You can't be responsible for them being irresponsible. My ex hubby ALWAYS threatened suicide. They never do it! He's remarried but I kept my distance. Take care 🙏

[@cynthiafortier2540]

Omg, sounds like a nightmare, really. Ok, here we go... I hope you give her ZERO response when she pulls her paper bag trick. Just saying from someone outside looking in. Let her do that crap with some other sorry sack!!

[@LaniLanilei]

@@amandaliverpool3374 Narcissists are cowards. They won't give you the satisfaction. IMO

[@WanderingPolly2024]

My oldest sister and I lived together for awhile. She would use abusive tactics that our mother used. Found myself being that child again, trying to fix everything. I broke free of that trauma bond. Best decision of my life. Thank you Dr. Carter, I have been watching your videos for awhile now.

[@supernova11491]

It's necessary for them to "trap people." They lack the interpersonal boundaries and skills to engage in the natural back and forth patterns of cooperation. I think.

[@Snow-wz6eu]

Hostages.

[@supernova11491]

@@Snow-wz6eu Agreed. Unfortunately, I think the recent cultural-at-large interest in "Narcissism" (The word for 1990's was psychopath) may be masking some criminal profiles as well.

[@Byugytctrc]

Hearing about the data gathering in Scheme 6 reminded me of all the times a covert narcissist previously in my life kept asking me essentially the same question, even if reworded/rephrased. It took a few times for me to realize they were prying for more information and/or “testing” me to see if the details changed. I also previously didn’t consciously realize back in my younger days, but understood subconsciously even then, that people who show up and ask if you’re alright and insist on finding out more from you, may simply be searching for their next target/victim. (I encountered this several times in the workplace.) The lesson was to not be such an open book because even seemingly innocent interactions may have exploitative or abusive agendas.

[@Kelly-oe8kr]

I completely forgot about how the narc would do this, I was 'tested' all the time to see if any of my answers changed

[@timothyrday1390]

I was traumatized by her holiday meltdowns, which seemingly came out of nowhere, followed by days of cruel silent treatments. Just a little bit of communication and civility could have gone a long way in avoiding the anger and pain of those experiences. It's as if the narc knows the holidays are the perfect times to act out, as nobody wants to go through a breakup after family plans and events are already on the schedule.

[@Lenticloudular]

Wow, so much power in that moment : you unable to react or you'd be accused of having the unreasonable reaction that ruined it for everyone, eh? Walking in eggshells, and knowing it will happen each time they get that power again.

[@ASMRyouVEGANyet]

I would break up right in front of everyone and let everyone know why. That the person they see before them is a lie.

[@Lavenderrose73]

​@@ASMRyouVEGANyet I'd love to be a fly on the wall when someone does _that._

[@dianebinpa6668]

What it might be is that the holiday is not all about them. People are giving the holiday celebration and not focusing on the narc. We have one that acts out for attention every holiday then if anyone reacts its a snide backlash of “oh. Anything to get me upset and ruin the holiday” A big circle of mind games… An abuser just wants to abuse you. So everything will always be a problem for them.

[@t.h.8475]

They love to ruin holidays and special occasions.

[@velvetgardenia]

The vulnerability mining is off the charts...always looking for the pressure points and soft spots to leverage later.

[@humblehomebody6931]

What some naively perceive as someone taking an interest in them, is sometimes strictly a data mining session for future self-preservation and gain. It's not as easy as it looks to direct that many narratives for all the people in one's life. With enough time and distance, you will be able to see the forest for the trees. Once you recognize it, so much of your past makes sense, and you cannot unsee it wherever you go. I think it's hardest when dealing with family, because family for many is spiritual, in that you are given them at birth and feel bound, and legacy has meaning. Whereas your choice of friendship or partner, is just that, a choice you made, a mistake to be corrected. My original narcissist is my mother. I'm 50, and my oldest son just married and planning children right away. My daughter-in-law has no idea what will be coming her way. My son knows her ways all too well, so I'm holding out hope that he protects his wife and ends that twisted cycle on our end. My mom was a teenage mom, and her resentment created a ton of issues throughout the entire family. My hero became exposed as the greatest liar in my life. How do you build trust in your life once the most intimate trust bond has been violated?

[@jordanferguson2254]

Yes, this is extremely important to remember. Never share things with people from the get go if you plan on being an open book. Seriously wait. Another thing is that when they want you to do something, they will wrap it in a way to make it seem like your idea by using your goals and wishes and life philosophy etc. So let's say you value justice very heavily. They know this. They want you to marry their son. They advertise their son as someone who values justice very heavily 👀🤟 Even if that shit's true, though I doubt it since narcs are liars and their perception of justice is NOT something I would trust, you'd still be fucking your life up if this marriage involves having the narc in your life. Not to mention you don't know if the son has done his inner work regarding the life he lived with his narc father. Toxic people affect the people around them. They also use what they know against you, let's say you quit your job because of bad bosses. You quit your recent job. Your recent narc boss knows this. They blame you because this is a pattern it yours. You're flakey 🙄 They use this to smear you.

[@simplysindisiwe]

What do you do when the pressure points /weak spots are your kids? I'm so frustrated. Im working on leaving, I know he will fight to pay maintenance, so I've dedicated this year to do Honors Degree so I can get out and be able to take care of my kids and myself.

[@imnoel8214]

Thank you Dr. C for shedding light on these tactics. These are familiar as the schemes that a narcissistic parent uses to scapegoat a child. The child has no choice but to become trauma bonded to the parent to survive. What a horrible thing to do.

[@angelacahill9460]

God Bless Dr. C! He's saving untold number of past, present, and future victims from this sickness.

[@snowbear1877]

I find that most of my friendships in life have been non-reciprocal or abusive. I just seem to always be the one putting in the effort. I am trying to move away from these one-sided and abusive friendships, but loneliness is a terrible thing. It kills people.

[@Soothsayer937]

Rule #56: "Better alone than in bad company." The quote is attributed to George Washington, but it is from a book called 110 Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior in Company and Conversation.

[@lambchop6278]

I know how you feel. Particularly being in 'the inbetween' where one is yet to make new friendships, and also is a bit hesitant and even reluctant to trust. It's not easy. I currently am down to one friend. A good one, though she has some moments where she is quite toxic. I keep my ears and eyes open, as she is otherwise fine and sometimes very lovely. She shows a capacity to admit her faults even serious ones, so I hope that means we can continue to grow together. I heard that self growth often involves loneliness and the courage to let go of people who aren't good for us. But it can be so tough if a person has noone in their corner. One thing I find helpful is simply investing in Self Help programs, literally. Watching these videos, and doing a program to heal from my Codependency, to an extent it is these Life Coaches who become my substitute family and friends. People who get what my soul is going through. ...Have you thought even of joining a support group to find new like-minded people...? Codependents Anonymous, or CODA, is one possibility.

[@cutesybunny3360]

I just recently did the same thing. I've STARTED blocking people that use and abuse my son's and I. Just feed up. 💥💯

[@themicrobusinessrenegadepo6338]

I liked the comment about not having to remain loyal...parents always want a connected happy family but sometimes it's just not possible if there is a family member who is creating chaos.

[@Lavenderrose73]

If they wanted a happy family, they should have thought of that before treating you like scum.

[@jamesrutter4100]

They don't care about happy. They demand OBEDIENT.

[@KingKogi]

01:33 “what happened to me? I’ve lost my sense of self” and “feeling deflated” is such a great description. When you’re IN the abuse you can’t see it; when you start questioning your relationship, you start seeing these cracks. And when you finally break those cracks open, and understand HOW SHITTY that person treated you, you look back at how DEFLATED and SICK and exhausted you were because of it. My sense of self is returning every year, I’m getting physically healthier every year, and I’m so proud of everyone I see here who is making attempts to realize, get out, or heal from their traumatic experiences too. ❤

[@markjayw666]

“Death by 1000 cuts” our clinical psychologist mentioned this to my wife lol

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

He must be a genius!

[@sanjmalik6282]

Yep Death by paper cuts slowly over the years.

[@markjayw666]

@@SurvivingNarcissism He was after he met with me. His wife was my wife’s divorce lawyer the 4 months we were in divorce court 2021. My wife had them both fooled for 4 months, no proof just her lying lips portraying herself as a victim me the abusive animal. He was shocked out what the MMPI and hyper-sensitive narcissistic scale showed. He and I are very close now. Wife still in denial

[@duromusabc]

Yep - intermittent reinforcement with breadcrumbing (motivated by their erratic dysregulated character and personality ) - it’s annoying and confusing

[@phild8192]

I totally spot narcissists today .. and I eject them from my life very very early on. There’s no useful relationship there. I don’t need to practice dealing with them or anything. I just let the go. Or push them away. Whatever is needed.

[@bridgetjacobus7422]

They are very indirect. They will complain until you offer them some help. They will not ever ask you to help them with something.

[@amarbyrd2520]

My mother is a past master at this

[@paulmeersa7162]

Spot-on Dr, had this with my Mother - that got worse as she slipped into Dementia. Despite this I did my very best for her to allow her to die where she wanted to die - at home. What a journey that was! This stuff should be taught at school.

[@lindawise5546]

You will be blessed for your caregiving. XXOO

[@amarbyrd2520]

This stuff should be taught at school. If you want to share any details about what to watch out for some of the rest of us who may also be anticipating having to deal with a similar situation - complete with flying monkeys - we are literally all ears

[@paulmeersa7162]

@@amarbyrd2520 What happens when you get dementia is that you are less and less likely to be able to hide the narcissistic parts of your personality - even if you want to. It is like being drunk, yet pretending to be sober. Study narcissism and then get ready for the intensification as they slip further and further into dementia. :):) Sounds like her doesn't guys....Don't blame them, by that stage in life things are not easily mended at all, in fact it may not be possible to rescue them from the disease at all. Your role becomes one of supporting them in their hours of need. NEVER forget that - EVER!!! Do what you can without being dragged under yourself.

[@paulmeersa7162]

@@amarbyrd2520 FM's are simply evil at this stage of the disease IMO, simply record everything they do and get ready to tell a judge. :):)

[@grandmatoo]

I'm still recovering, and it's still somewhat bizarre to hear experts like you describe years of my relationship. It was like living in a soundproof room, the audio was his voice and my thoughts. Such a nightmare that I couldn't seem to wake up from.

[@dalialovesdoggies4361]

Wowowo. Lol

[@dalialovesdoggies4361]

Someone once aais:. Oh. I am an " echo chamber"

[@kimrobinson6285]

So well put--I felt the same. So hard to explain to anyone who hasn't been through it.

[@jennywager6228]

Can you relate to not hearing your own voice when talking. I experienced the craziness for 30 years..I leterally spoke words but couldn’t process or hear myself?

[@grandmatoo]

Not to mention, the flight, the freeze, or fawn I felt. Lost in my body reaction to the situation.

[@terrirobson9043]

"....to the point where you are a shell of a person....." That's exactly where I was. Thank you Dr. Carter n Gus for helping me be at a point where I can say "was". I am definitely doing something different and it feels good ❣️

[@Jenifer_G]

Got away from ons of the narcs in my family 27 years ago. A sister, never went back and didnt have to hear all her made up drama.

[@alexismerrilldragonqueen6552]

I've been looking for a video about how the trauma bond forms! It's like the narcissist grooms and gaslights you slowly to have control over how you express yourself 😢 Thanks again Gus and Dr. Carter! You guys help me heal everyday ❤

[@Jenifer_G]

Dr. C where is your co worker with 4 legs and a beautiful presence. Miss him.

[@alexismerrilldragonqueen6552]

@@Jenifer_G you can see Gus right behind Dr. Carter on the couch ❤️🐕

[@Jenifer_G]

@@alexismerrilldragonqueen6552 dragon, are you sure? Or maybe u ate him?

[@s.s.8029]

I was so trauma bonded that I didn't even recognize myself anymore. I just didn't care because I had cared too much for too long. Once I woke up, I felt and feel so much better. My mil would say "I need you do...," rather than "can you do this?" Another family member made all the decisions during group outings, including where to eat and where to go. I didn't realize how draining they were until I stopped spending time with them and now even more than a few minutes can leave me feeling drained. I felt guilty at first, but now I don't. I pray for them and wish them the best, but they have no place in my life. They were so trauma bonded from their own up bringing and I can see that it goes back generations. I intend to break that bond. Family isn't always everything, but I have heard that from my mil that "family is everything" so many times, it almost makes me sick. Families can be the worst influences on our lives if they are toxic and refuse to acknowledge the past and change the present and future. I choose team healthy! Thank you, Dr. C.

[@EstherH85]

On having to be in "power" or know more, or being better than others: One of my narcs tried to convince me that he has more hair than me.. I have a full head of hair that goes down to my butt. His head is shaved all around the sides and has maybe 3 inches of length at the top. He got mad when I said I have a lot more hair than him (I was trying to tell him he's just wasting shampoo by using more than a small dollop, because I can get away with a small amount for all my hair) and he was adamant that he has more hair! They truly do not live within the scope of reality! It's both hilarious and horrifying

[@clairewillow6475]

I feel like I don’t have the energy to be assertive with the narc in my life. Because every time it’s ended with mind games and wasted energy. I do stick with what I think is right and go through phases of just blocking them. Every time I give them a chance to be back in our lives in a limited and healthy way, they start trying to control everything again

[@kimrobinson6285]

Give them an inch and they will always try for the mile. No contact is the only way.

[@SendItForward]

If You will, Dr. C, please explain sometime WHY the narcissist insists on tackling my projects instead of focusing on his that have been sitting for years. Complaining about me not "doing" anything yet won't touch the things he even told other people he needs to do and bought material to do it!! I absolutely refuse to let this person do anything "for" me, no matter how small, because I have already learned that I will be enslaved to him. Did I just answer my own question!?

[@mandeepkhatak7272]

Your argument establishes the narcissist as a struggler who has not settled yet. So by that definition, all dreamers and strugglers are narcissistic. 😂👍👍

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Yes. We'll said though 👍

[@LaniLanilei]

​​@@mandeepkhatak7272 Or, it could mean that some narcissist styles. may have those traits.

[@jordanferguson2254]

Possible reasons: 1. Hypocrisy 2. Lack of self awareness 3. Attempt at hoovering 4. Attempt at staying relevant or important. Their need to feel needed and special at all times. This is their codpendency, insecurity/lack of inner worth and ego speaking. 5. Having an I know better and everything attitude. 5. A way to enslave you as you say. By doing favours you now owe them. They also now have something to hold against you. I helped you, I'm amazing, and you're bitter. 6. A way to make themselves look good in front of others. This lowers your image by comparison. 7. Your project might be easier for them than theirs or less time consuming. It helps them feel accomplished. Or your project might be harder or hard, but they have negative fantasies for their own life or work. So they almost pursue failure when it comes to themselves. 8. Narcissists live for attention. There's nothing to gain by doing a project no one will see. Or doing something no one will be there to feel anything regardless of what emotion that is. Annoyance even. I like the way you think, your comment was funny 😂🎉. Pursue self sufficiency as you are 👍 It helps to feel grounded and in control of your life. It also prevents anyone from having the power to uproot yours. No more falling back.

[@wisconsinfarmer4742]

That is a curious dichotomy. The toy that the other kid is playing with is more interesting than their own toy. A sort of vampirism going there.

[@ndhairangel1]

Thank you! I usually take notes but today I wrote almost every word down. I have a narcissistic mother and it's been a very slow, subtle destruction of my independence. Seven years ago I started standing up for myself; today, she is deflated. It's sad to see, but I have never been happier. I am 57 years old. Its been a long road. I wish I had had an education in narcissism long ago but I feel that I have experiential expertise, at this point. With that said it's still exhausting to spend time with her. My guard is never down.

[@lambchop6278]

Congratulations! You sound like you have climbed a big mountain. I used to have goals that were about a vocational career, travel and a nice house. I still have those, but life has changed me so that I view what is a "great accomplishment" as more about inner achievement. And the other goals aren't anywhere near as grand as that.

[@tranquility9325]

I cut my entire family off. I don't owe them jack sht just bec there is biology there.

[@ronetteherman5841]

I am slowly cutting ties with my sister. After watching this video, I don't think I would feel bad not wishing her a happy mother's day.

[@susanmunoz7688]

This shows me how I lost myself and how I was becoming someone I didn’t even recognize but, thanks to all the help that Dr. Carter has and is giving to Team Healthy, I’m back 😃👍

[@lillianbarker4292]

This describes EXACTLY how my mother operated to control our family. She dominated my first 35 years though I started getting therapy in my 20s. I had to contend with her until she died at 99 and I was 70. Don’t wait! Live your life fully and joyfully.

[@SparkleLuna77]

I’m pretty certain my boyfriend is a narcissist. I love him so much and I don’t want to leave him but I can’t continue to live the way he wants. It’s like he’s two different people.

[@katjay3125]

See him as a demon because he is and will destroy you over time

[@FirehorseG]

I don't think we can truly love them. I have a theory we become trauma bonded to them if we haven't grown into ourselves and love ourselves completely. Trust me, I've been through it.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

To have a true love partner, you need to be synchronized, and apparently that isn't the case here.

[@cynthiafortier2540]

Trust me, it's all evil. The nice is fake. Been there and never ever again. Waste of time!!

[@Hatbox948]

He is! Jekyll and Hyde.

[@ozzyhouston2535]

The covert narcissist I and another guy knew thought of himself as our mentor. When he was nice, it was fatherly. I found he never called me; our friendship relied solely on me contacting him from time to time. The other guy severed ties with this narcissist after a few years. I must be slow, as it took many years before I threw in the towel 😊

[@lauragirolami8198]

Better late than never! Good for you!

[@brookeh4430]

Thank you Dr Carter for sharing your knowledge with us. You have given me a place to come when I need answers or emotional support. Your channel has helped give me insight and a better understanding to my current situation… Something I have been searching a very long time for. I’m one of those individuals who, until recently, never clicked on a video labeled “trauma bond” because I believed that it would be related to something such as sexual abuse like you stated. I’ve been married for 9 years to a covert narcissist and we have a child together. Of course, he hasn’t been professionally diagnosed because that would mean he’d have to admit he has problem… And according to him, “I’m the problem”. Anyway, I’ve always known something was “off” with him but just believed he was insecure and controlling… Telling myself he could change if I could help him become more secure. Spoiler Alert: He’s only become much worse and I have become much weaker in standing up to him and now I second guess my own reality. It wasn’t until a few months ago when we separated due to his alcohol abuse that I turned to KZbin for answers and discovered your videos. I immediately enrolled in individual therapy and then we, yes we, signed up for marriage counseling. Word to the wise… Listen when they say, “Proceed with caution in marriage counseling with a narcissist”… I was left even more confused after our recent session, which I then decided we would not be returning. This journey to leave a narcissistic spouse has proven to be beyond difficult and is physically + emotionally exhausting... but I know it’ll be worth it in the end. Time to break free of the Trauma Bond! 💕

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks for your comments, Brooke. This video was tailor made for you! Best wishes moving forward.

[@cynthiafortier2540]

Good for you. Sadly staying away is the only answer. Feel for his next victim.

[@dalialovesdoggies4361]

BrookeH. Hurry. Indeed what seems to be an unending journey of pain. Have been there. Much stronger now. Your wings are soooo injured and broken. TEMPORARILY

[@nancytwigg4631]

Brooke, you are not alone. You have a wonderful child. He stole 9 years, and now, your job is to go forward! Little by little, you will see, you will get yourself back. You will be stronger and wiser than ever before. Stay the course. Grow with Team Healthy and Dr. C. You can do this! Besides the "gray rock method," stay no contact as much as possible while co-parenting and getting yourself safe and on solid ground. Self-care. Self-respect. Dignity. Respect. Civility. You are not alone on your journey. You are stepping up, out, and beyond your wildest dreams!

[@dalialovesdoggies4361]

Brook. Runnnnnn.....KNOW that you are not " the problem". Also.....learn the deeper YOU, so not to repeat such a choice. There is a beautiful child involved. Cheers and blessings

[@sherylheilig8411]

This boss been using irrational anger won't listen to me yells louder destroys my self worth. I still speak up but she doesn't hear me. I will be moving on. Thanks for validation.

[@Stardustpal25]

Use your phone to audio record for future lawsuit, emotional damage. Such crap

[@monicaraybon1802]

My mom said to me numerous times “do you know what your father said about you?” My father died 25 years ago, so no way to confirm with him.

[@fruitytarian]

Thank you Dr, I am currently struggling with living with a narcissist (my brother). I moved back home about 3 years ago and got to see firsthand how he treats my parents. It makes me so angry, my mom has now developed heart problems, and I was recently in ER for a severe stress reaction. I believe it's all related to his narcissism, we are just existing at this point, hoping he doesn't start a fire and kill us in our sleep. I will be watching all your videos to learn how to survive..

[@janeylynn5934]

Sometimes there simply is no way to get away from these people and systems. It isn't a matter of choosing to stay away from them. Some people have no choice.

[@katalincatchpolenefister8954]

Or they are just too weak the narc wore them down

[@Jen-zz7nv]

Its simply amazing that the content on narcissism is seemingly unending. Just when I think you've covered everything you show a new example and I'm like...yes, thats totally my family members!

[@hilaryquinlan837]

My narc mother always actually uses the word "imperative " in her instructions to my father and all of her kids, thank you Dr C.

[@yellowbird5411]

"Look at all I have done for you, and you don't do anything for me." May mean they have given you stuff that is meaningless, cheap, used or absolute crap. Never anything of value, nothing that shows thought or insight into your own needs or wants. Yet they will buy the best things for themselves. They will show you what they have done for themselves and say it was for you. They are like black holes with a one-way door. And when you show them reality, they get mad and say you are ungrateful, cold, unappreciative and messed up in your values. They will make you think you just don't get any of it. I used to be in a relationship where he would go to trade shows and pick up little souvenirs like keychains, magnets, samples, etc. and wrap them up as Christmas presents for me. If we went to a movie, he would never let me get anything but a small popcorn. If we went on a trip and I was having a health issue, limiting my ability to walk, he would leave me in the motel and go out by himself for the day. In a grocery store he would make a big show of looking at other women in the store. I knew another one who would leave parcels of half-rotten produce or old expired food from who knows where, and the boxes would be water damaged with maggots inside. Other things he didn't want I would find on my doorstep, and I would take them immediately out to the trash. But to hear him tell it, he was always giving me "gifts." If I left them on his doorstep with a note I didn't want it, he would drag it back to my doorstep. "Don't give this back to me! It's a gift for you!" Oh, the stories.

[@Shofargirl1]

I identify with a lot that you said......especially if you are sick....they leave you and go with friends...no care.....not even look at you. 😮

[@cyndim8785]

I had to drive myself to the ER back when we first met. I was so sick I could barely get off of the couch. He told me if I was that sick that I should take myself to the hospital. I did, I got a shot of penicillin and sent home. All of the years of me telling him that my head hurt so bad it hurt to open my eyes. Migraines most of my life, I had no idea what a migraine was. I had a brain hemorrhage sent me NICU for two weeks and one week in a regular room after brain surgery. I finally got sent home that SOB left me by myself and went to work. He told everyone that I was so needy. He took me out for Taco Bell today and we drove straight back home. We don’t do anything but sit at home, while at least I do. He goes over to the neighbors almost every night and leaves me here by myself. He won’t let me have a job, no friends and now my kids won’t talk to me. I stopped taking their abuse also. I am a really good person and treat everyone with respect. I stopped calling my family asking if their okay, guess what my phone stopped ringing.

[@denicehaley9902]

I, too, have many stories of being abandoned emotionally and physically while being severely ill, including now with Long Haul Covid. Sickening and disgusting, especially with the marital vows of through sickness and health.

[@silverwolf2666]

The Narc ex was always belittling me and our kids. Anytime we had a different opinion, idea or thought, we were quickly told by the Narc that we were wrong or stupid. As for any nice gestures or gifts, he always expected over the top adulation, praise and reciprocal favors or gifts...usually in the form of complete compliance with any and all of his arbitrary and ever-changing rules and demands. Nothing we did was ever good enough. He never appreciated or even acknowledged any of our desires,gifts, talents,skills or efforts.

[@michelleburstrom2548]

I have watched so many of your videos and learned so much. I have a request on an important subject matter. Could you please do a video concerning when narcissists turn to murder? The jails are full of narcissists that have killed and I’ve seen examples of narcissistic rage that could lead to murder. I’d appreciate it if you would do a video about .....when narcissists turn lethal.

[@lilysleisure1918]

They are soooo evil

[@DeeRich-ry3ym]

Thank you for empathizing. @Ultra Lyrics. I really appreciate it. I had to realize my peace, my safety and sanity was more important than anything. Now I just wish their hoovering would STOP. 🤦🏽‍♀️

[@elizedenaemissd9498]

Thank you, thank you thank you for your teaching videos. I thought I was forming a new friendship, it only took a couple weeks to see the red flags of narcissism in that person. They are fuming that they could not gain control of me. Again THANK YOU🎉🎉🎉

[@JohnSmith-wo7ns]

She used to say I owed her financially cos we'd spend more time at hers than mine, she was too lazy to come to mine, so I owed her for watching her TV and using her electricity and also her heating! We'd only watch what she was watching anyway!! She'd also be angry and irritable all the time so I'd be constantly upsetting her. So if from time to time I'd try to be affectionate, her response was that I'd upset her last week and i needed to make it up to her!! It was always 1 step forward 10 steps back. Impossible relationship.

[@domeatown]

Imma tell you what's crazy. Getting to where I am was so difficult. But when I rest in silence, I feel like I am resting. I have never felt that before. Thank you for your content. Every ltitle pattern I learned to spot led me down the rockiest road I've ever been on. But now hearing them is like watching a thing from far away. I see it and I know it now. And I followed the road. And now I can rest alone and really just enjoy it without feeling compelled to work or run or consume like a rat in someone else's 4D chess game. I am shocked at how easy and natural it is. I'm excited to get to a place where I'm no longer shocked if I ever can. Sturdy ground is surprisingly easy to stand on even with sea legs

[@josephphoenix1376]

I use the Avoidance strategy 100%😡

[@cherobinson6371]

It’s the best thing u can do and if they are suddenly in your presence? Pull your phone out turn your back and act as if your texting someone. Give them as little as u can. I avoud eye contact with the narcissistic Village I live in. Imagine living in a village with 750 of them coming at u every chance…

[@d3402]

Thank you, Dr. Carter, for spending so much of your life and time creating these videos to help sooo many of us understand narcissism. I had no clue what was happening during my relationship until you made everything so much clearer. I watched and rewatched hours of your videos and finally made a decision to end it once I firmly believed that narcissism was what I was dealing with. There were times I didn't think I could make it after completely ending my relationship, the trauma bond was so strong. It still is there at times, but I don't act or react to it. The way you teach us to think ABOUT the narcissist is a really important element for me. You minimize the narcissist's importance, power, status, ego, etc in a way that lets me build my confidence back up. Thank you... you saved me from.... alot. I never did find a therapist that could help. All the blessings to you. I am a forever fan.

[@bridgettetraveler658]

Another great video! U just helped me see some ppl I've been trying to help. I realized no matter what I did it wasn't & will not be good enough. They will forever try to belittle me. GOD told me to just let them keep throwing mud on me. He, GOD will keep washing it off of me. I truly thank GOD for seeing all the good & the bad things we all do. We don't need human or narcissist validation!!!

[@denicehaley9902]

Amen. This ministered to be. Many blessings!

[@MrMfaust5]

Thank you so much Dr. Carter. Your words of advice always come to mind when I'm being hurled at with toxic abuse of the "sweet and friendly 80 years old lady" (externally) known by me as a professional grade socio-narcissistic monster.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're quite welcome.

[@candybradford6468]

I always felt there was something off when a person I considered to be my closest friend would never share anything personal with me but asked me many questions. She would just say she is a private person. It is a relief to learn that my feelings were not wrong. And I can completely relate to getting the “crappy” stuff and called selfish or ungrateful if I was not overjoyed and appreciative -by their standards- for what they did. SO many revelations for me from this video. Thank you again, Dr. C, for making these videos as I use it to continue to learn, heal and grow.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Most narcs that I know will give an empty gesture of goodwill. You're in the middle of doing something tricky then it's wait, I'll do that for you. You breathe a sigh of relief then wait...and wait...and wait.... You get the job done then they come at you with. Well, if you're going to be impatient 😳 That's just one example 🙄

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

One of many!!

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@SurvivingNarcissism It's one of the red flags I ignored at the beginning!

[@simplysindisiwe]

Trying to frustrate you.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@simplysindisiwe Yep. And, they actually say 'why didn't you remind me' but if you did, it would be 'stop nagging' Just adds to the confusion 🥴

[@wisconsinfarmer4742]

It is because you are responsible for their lack of functioning.

[@gracegiven3182]

Yes Dr C. So tired of his mistreatment creating bitterness and anger in me. I followed your advice and practiced assertiveness today and explained that my feelings were hurt when he walked away in the middle of a very minor disagreement and that we should treat each other with respect. His response was one of the classic narcissistic apologies: “It wasn’t my intent to hurt you!” Stated in a very forceful way. No statement of remorse or asking forgiveness. No insight just defensiveness. I’m so tired and discouraged. Appreciate all your content.

[@denicehaley9902]

My narc “husband’s “ famous statement is, “I’m sorry you…” Like you said, no remorse, no true apologies, not repenting, no reconciliation. Pain piled upon pain.

[@tamarathejudeochristianmedium]

I’ve noticed that they’ll be lofty, victim like, clueless, feign ignorance, anything but empathy 💙🙏🏻💙

[@Happyfeelinpeace]

Either I'm a sweetheart or this topic is scary or both. What happened to real relationships and learning about life? Now it's just selfishness, control, lies and heartbreaking endings and that's only IF the narcissist will leave you alone. 💔

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Be the better alternative, Tammy!

[@Happyfeelinpeace]

@@SurvivingNarcissism I've not once looked for a miracle, I'm already busy being that for whoever needs an example. I know my life experience as a spiritual badass. I was only saying that first, narcs care nothing about boundaries and the second thing is great relationships are at stake. But I'm good because of powerful God given protectors. Big angels! Great content, too.

[@zaviahopethomas-woundedsou9848]

Yeah, my narc mom bought me a guitar when I wanted to learn... it was a plastic toy! My older brother came home and saw it and smashed it and told my mother that it was not a musical instrument (he played guitar). Then he went and bought me a used guitar that sounded good so I could actually learn. The sad thing is, she insisted he got a real one when he wanted to learn. She never wanted a daughter and this was more confirmation of her words saying so.

[@akai.christo]

Thank you Dr. C and Team!! ♥️🙏🔥 Wish you and all here a great day and weekend!! 💪🙂✌️🍷🎶

[@merwench]

You've perfectly describe EXACTLY what my father has done to me my entire life for six decades, and there is no escape! I've gone 'no contact,' but he lives next door & I can't afford to move away! I absolutely CANNOT wait for the thousandth cut!!!

[@kristannestone1748]

This is spot on. My ex has been known to force a favor on me, but when I try to reciprocate he doesn't want to "owe" me anything. Which feels like power and control and guilt and he has one up on me. So I'm getting better at avoiding him...

[@lindawinters363]

Yes…it’s a slow burn…thank you for explaining the trauma bond so beautifully…and helping those of us who are beginning to see the light. You are a God send, Dr Carter. 14:18

[@msshan-l1y]

Dr.C watching your videos have saved my life in so many ways 🙏🏽thank you so much !!

[@lindabell2940]

Saved your life, im with go team healthy, see i told you folks, what a Doctor, stand up and be counted, he is my friend, our Doctor makes me feel great, even if i am, a so called hec, i dont know, they do call me Dawg, plus you folks please send my Doctor some more good questions, i need my go team healthy

[@nancymcnichol2894]

A shell of a person. I can relate to that comment. You never know from one day to the next whats coming. These people, particularly my partner, run hot and cold and I've noticed my confusion being replaced with anger and resentment because trying to have a discussion about it with a narcissist is a waste of time. I'm convinced he even goes so far as to start almost like a preemptive fight to avoid even the possibility i might bring something up for discussion. It feels like he's always operating with an agenda yet to be revealed. It's exhausting, frustrating, takes a toll on our health, mental and physical and depletes us of motivation. These are truly toxic people. There's the name calling, accusations, physical abuse, emotional abuse. It makes me so angry because i wasn't put on this esrth to be his personal punching bag. Whenever I've tried to leave, he's threatened suicide. And he tells me im the one who runs hot and cold and has a problem. He even toys with my brain the second he says or does something, by denying it. Like when he punched me in the jaw and i grabbed my jaw and said, I can't believe you just hit me. His reply, only seconds after he did it...I didn't hit you. Or when he threw my Bluetooth speaker and broke it. He wasn't throwing it at me so i had no right to be upset or say anything about it. If you can get away fromthese toxic types, run and run as fast as you can before you find yourself stuck.

[@lynfawcett221]

I was very naive, we met when I was 19 he was 24. Married 3 years later. We were married for 41 years. Over those decades he got slowly worse and worse. Financial and emotional abuse. Some physical abuse, which he did not see as abuse because it was open handed not a fist. I didn't realise hiw bad it had become until he died 2 years and 10 days after retiring. It has taken me years since then to heal. I still have bad days, but they are now few and far between. Listening to your advice, Dr Carter, has been part of my recovery process. And,I do thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for sharing your wisdom about narcissistic relationships and 'Trauma Bonding" in particular. Thank you, and Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. (From Western Australia 🇦🇺 🇦🇺 🇦🇺. )

[@SendItForward]

I DO continue watching Your videos, Dr. C, because they are helping me to look for and recognize these "traits" in other people, wherever I may be. Knowledge IS power and I am learning A LOT!! Thank You.

[@RickC-rs7ny]

Dr. Carter, you forgot to mention how to rid yourself of, or undo trauma bonds. Here's how I've managed it: Do not hold any rage towards the narc since this is a trauma bond. Each time you reserve hatred for him, you are binding yourself further to him. Your emotional body needs to be freely flow unhindered, and not be in emotional fixation with the narc. Learn to practice forgiveness, not for their sake, but for your sake, forgiveness in essence is a very selfish thing, where you release the abuser's hate bindings from your mind, body, spirit, and everything they're trying to put in you, without consent, because you've been open to them. Your temple is not open to being spat on. Hate or any emotional involvement is energetically costly and strenuous and binding. Your indifference on the other hand is theirs for free, and a form of retaining your energy. That's how you win. So first key point is forgiveness, second key point is practicing indifference. The more you don't care, the more they lose their power. Narcissists, or everyone who's spouting hate, or anyone trying to get a rise out of you, use your hate against you. They want you to hate them, by bonding themselves through emotions, hate/love/fears etc. Any emotion is good so as long as it's oriented towards them. And indifference is the cure. Now you've escaped mentally, they don't exist anymore, what's left is physical distancing if you still haven't done it, or are unable to do it due to circumstance. At least mentally and emotionally you've signed out, are focusing on self-love/care and being on team healthy!

[@simplysindisiwe]

Thank you. I will use these strategies. My daughter is driving me insane. His father abuses me, he's a narc but my daughter is the Golden child. It's like she blames me for giving birth to her.

[@denicehaley9902]

Beautiful and wonderful strategy! Thanks for sharing!

[@ceeceemac9072]

Great video. My husband and I struggle with the bonds of trauma, but not from the narcissist. We are too strong to let someone walk all over us. We did not put up with it after realizing from your channel that his behavior has a name. Your videos guided us perfectly through the other side of that storm. Our trauma is the broken bond with our daughter. That hurts deeply. The grandchildren are withheld from us, who have done nothing but pour love on them, taking great care not to do anything to upset the narcissist. The narcissist rears his ugly head from time to time, but we don’t listen. We can’t listen. We are not jumping into that black hole again. Every word you speak about this subject is truth. Thank you.

[@jamesrutter4100]

Let the children's teachers know the TRUTH in case they are gaslit in the future. NO SLANDER. Just PROTECTION for the children. It is an unfair battle leaving them to be victimised by an evil ADULT. EVIDENCE WILL PROTECT THIER FUTURE

[@taylorjeremy71]

Narcissist's aren't born they're created. It is virtually impossible that if your daughter is a narcissist that you haven't contributed and most likely created that condition in her. You need more than videos. A typical narcissist would think all they may need is videos. You need to go see a therapist and work through your own behavior not your daughters.

[@ceeceemac9072]

@@taylorjeremy71 Thank you, but my daughter is not the narcissist. It’s her husband.

[@tinakercher8768]

Our daughter in law has destroyed our family too. She worked 7 years on our son and about a year on our daughter. It is upside down world. Unfortunately, we have 3 grandchildren we cannot see and who knows what they are experiencing and what they have heard about us. Heartbreaking!

[@ceeceemac9072]

@@tinakercher8768 I am so sorry you are going through this too. It’s so hard. My grandsons are teenagers, and I know they are ok. And they know we love them.

[@melianelson9036]

Trauma bonding seems so insidious to me, I believed so thoroughly that I was very much in love with my Narcissist for 40+ years. My expression’s of that love were completely genuine. Now with my understanding of trauma bonding, I feel like it is very difficult for me to align the two, my true love for him vs this insidious way he manipulated those expressions! He died a month ago. Literally drank himself to death. I’m still heartbroken for my sons, but I don’t really feel I will ever know how to come to terms with it all. It’s very unsettling to me. But I guess if you’re trauma bonded, that’s a validation you will never receive!

[@kimrobinson6285]

So right...validation is something narcissists never give. You have to trust yourself. It will get better, trust me. You will find yourself again. ❤

[@Marie23305]

My narcissist at the beginning of the relationship would say “I know you. I know you so well “and then start to give me the reasons why. I knew he didn’t really know me but he had to prove he did. Gave me the creeps.

[@Rixster53]

SPOT ON!!!!!Doesn’t even begin to explain how honest and true these attributes of a narc really are!!!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Pleased that it resonated!

[@m0L3ify]

Yeah, the info gathering and inappropriate anger was what ended my last friendship, which was short-lived. I feel like I was able to spot the signs early enough that the end could generally be chalked up to "death by a thousand paper cuts." I used to be the kind of person who had to be pushed to the absolute extreme brink in order to leave a person like that, but I'm proud that I've done enough work on myself that I can spot it so early that the only explanation I have for people who ask what happened is "Eh....it just wasn't working out." Life with boundaries is a peaceful one. 😎

[@saulejuzeleniene1687]

I can't thank you enough, Dr. Carter, for your teachings, especially with this little touch of humor, as you do, regarding those individuals! Your lessons helped me so very much in many ways, they helped me to even break free from this "emotional paralysis" and all that comes along with this! I am free now, so thank you so very much for showing me, us the way out! May God bless you and your family ❤

[@nomadic_orthodox]

Almost 6 years of trauma bonding and still struggling. But it's getting better every year, the hardest part is 'no contact'. I started writing him in diaries in 2020 and it helps a lot.

[@Jenifer_G]

Keep writing, it is a life saver and when you read the notes back after some time, can see how far you have come. Good luck to your efforts.

[@janpressler1491]

Welcome to my world of 33 yrs of pain and suffering with my husband. Well now all he's done is make me HATE him, andI look at him with disgust.Theres no talking, no eye contact..nothing I AVOID him at all times. I see the games he plays now on me and everyone else around him. Its hard living with someone you hate..it really wears on you..and it stress 24/7 to have to cope with someone like this.

[@thomaswaffle5121]

You are definitely describing the government, science, religion, schools, and everything else that controls the way we think. Thanks for the conformation.

[@merfraquel2623]

I almost lost my life February 22 of this year he put a 38 to my head, chambered a knife to my neck, my head through a wall after five years of abuse hitting spitting slapping it got to that point swat had to come to my house to save me! Any one of the signs that you hear these doctors say don’t walk don’t run SPRINT AWAY! If I had only known this years ago Now I’ve lost my daughter my grandbaby I am completely alone no friends no family and I go through stages of crying and anger riddled with anxiety and depression. I went from 157 pounds to 114 pounds and I’m nothing but bones and I feel like I’m dying!

[@merfraquel2623]

Just in case, someone is curious yes I finally put him in jail. He is going to prison over this.. prior, I dropped 17 felonious assaults on him, kidnapping, crossing state lines with me, tying me up with cords, punching my head against the car window things of that nature I dropped all those charges on him, thinking he would change He started crying, sobbing, snot running everything else that he did this time begging me back HE WAS SORRY 🙄🙄I about lost all of my resources when I dropped all those charges, they gave me one last chance and I followed through! He is looking at over 30 years in prison for this it was that bad!

[@perceptiveperson5842]

@@merfraquel2623 Very sorry for the pain that you have endured. You are very brave.

[@merfraquel2623]

@@perceptiveperson5842 thank you so much. I really appreciate that. I have to go to superior court next and that’s when he’ll get his prison sentence and I’m dreading it but I’m doing it… he has three guys from Manhattan New York trying to kill me in the Carolinas and officers in undercover cars are watching them. That’s how bad this got

[@ILoveFountainPensCdn]

Ah, thought I caught it live! Will have to watch the repeat. Thanks for all of the work you do.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're quite welcome.

[@bhornannawindeedeigh5007]

Dr Carter - thanks so much for these videos. You are so helpful to my quest of becoming free of the bonds of the narcissists who tried to bind me into their schemes. It's not been easy, but I finally get it - I'm better off w/o them, as lonely as it may sometimes feel. I'm too old to play their games - especially since their set of rules are flawed. God bless you and yours always, dear sir. 💐🙏🏽

[@Turin_Turumba]

It's so hard to break the emotional bond, these videos are incredibly helpful

[@majestic.feminine]

You are amazingly accurate on each point Dr. C! It's truly stunning how predictable this type of character disorder is. Speachless.

[@reellife8086]

This is so therapeutic. 😌. Thank you for clearing up so much confusion. Living with a narcissist had me feeling like I died and went to hell.

[@indigoheyoka1259]

BREAK THE BONDS!

[@EryckaDorean]

Beautiful post! God bless! Information like this has helped me combat against my former abuser. I'm healthy, whole, and loving life. Thank you.

[@sarilnn1603]

Greetings to you and Gus. Excellent analysis on theind schemes and ploys. The "power deferential", is prevalent and underlies their association with you. Recognition of these toxic ploys is key.

[@mattlehnardt783]

Dr. Carter, this is so helpful to hear spelled out, when in regular life there is no handbook and its so confusing and weird because we can't imagine anyone acting like this nor why they would. so thanks for the help!!

[@pekklesh]

I've been coming to YT to Dr. Carter's videos for years, it feels like a decade at least. I don't remember everything that he says, but there's something about his voice and attitude that is just so comforting and reassuring-- and just angry enough--that I know he gets it. I can watch a video and I don't feel so worthless anymore.