The Hard Truth About People Pleasing

People pleasing can cause real harm to you. In this video, I discuss the four struggles of people pleasers, as well as ways to change this self-destructive habit!
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This video was created by Barbara Heffernan, LCSW for educational purposes only. These videos are not diagnostic and provide no individual consultation. Consumption of these materials is for your own education and any medical, psychological, or professional care decisions should be made between you and your primary care doctor or another provider that you are engaged with. Barbara Heffernan is not available for individual consultation via KZbin, social media, or email, and provides services only in the manner mentioned above.

[@mikeymoo1291]

There's nothing wrong with helping other people but never carry their burdens or interfere with 'their' evolution. We're all on a journey and they have their own lessons to learn.

[@sneakerbabeful]

If I didn't people please while growing up, I was severely punished. People pleaseing was about survival, and it is still about survival. I either people please or perish.

[@fauvecorrigan1233]

Self reflection is so key with this. For example, don't ask someone to do something you wouldn't do yourself. Such a toxic piece of advice for people pleasers because then we have unrealistic expectations and lack boundaries with others. It further deletes our self worth and chips away at trust for ourselves and others. It ruins relationships. Self betrayal is truly the worst kind that leads to hell if it goes unchecked.

[@sagesufferswell]

I need this, thank you! I've been coming to these revelations myself and this is very validating.

[@my.pure.reality]

Yes this was very helpful so true it becomes a lifestyle and when you set boundaries and stand up the ones on the receiving end don't like the new you

[@barbaradellarocco5132]

It’s either people pleasing or self isolation for me.

[@sheetalkawali1052]

People pleasing was part of my routine. As said rightly it brings burnout feeling. Thanks for this video. Not to go against our values is valuable tip. It has to be inculcated in our behaviour, thoughts, feelings is another valuable tip.

[@HKashaf]

All you videos are so good. Precise and to the point.

[@bellaluce7088]

Healthy people don't *want* you to give more than is comfortable, and they pay attention to safeguarding *other* people's boundaries as well as their own. Something to keep in mind when practicing saying No. : - ) Boundaries are what WE do to honor our needs and wants, regardless of whether the other person agrees or respects them. Getting comfortable believing we deserve things too is healing, and letting entitled people experience natural consequences is a great way to deflect narcissists and other users. Win-win!

[@KalinaVel0505]

"Healthy people don't want you to give more than is comfortable, and they pay attention to safeguarding other people's boundaries as well as their own." - such a good point! This is probably why people pleasing behavior mostly attracts people, who exhibit narcissistic traits and don't care at all about people pleasers' boundaries, needs and wants.

[@janathena7164]

In my case, my husband and in-laws would manipulate and maneuver in order to get me to do more and more at every turn. Telling their European friends that they can visit any time and for however long the want to stay. Just as one couple came to stay for 3 weeks, my husband announced that he was leaving on a business trip. Another time, these same guests asked my mother-in-law if they could stay AT MY HOUSE for 3 weeks during the next summer, and she told them "yes". My issue was attempting to set and hold boundaries with all of the takers in my sphere.

[@hoosiergirl6344]

😲😲😲 please say you're not still in that situation.

[@janathena7164]

@hoosiergirl6344 OH YES!!! I have been out for 15 years now, which has been pure bliss.

[@karmasutra4774]

I don't want people staying with me. Very very rarely does it happen. I would be upset if this was an expectation and three weeks is a lot.

[@chuck3999]

Sounds like a lot of work. Its too bad that there are so many of that require this kind of help but can't afford it. I'm tired of trying to do everything myself. Can anyone relate out there?

[@karmasutra4774]

I am not a people doormat and maybe a little bit of pleasing for only female friendship groups I am trying to belong to. But I see that no matter how nice I am, they still talk about me. So I am just not doing it anymore. I go and keep it all light but don't get too involved with anyone since they always want favors. I don't want friendships based on favors. Why can't we just have a nice time and talk, but everyone drive themselves or get their own food, etc. I have a friend I want to keep, but she comes into town every few months and wants to stay with someone. That person has to spend the week with her and drive her around. She asks this every single time and rotates around the friends. I don't want to host her. I don't host anyone. My home is a bubble. I tried to explain that a few time and she still asks if my extra room is ready for guests. I find that so tacky to invite yourself and then she also mentions there is a free room for me when I want to visit her . Feels like a manipulation. The other friends don't seem to mind and they house her. This is where I am different from other people. I sometimes wonder if I am neurodivergent. I don't want to have people staying with me no matter how much I like them. Why do people ask me for big favors and money too? I have boundaries on these things and say no. I don't do it, but I feel guilty like I am doing something wrong...

[@Mara_143]

Realest video💎💎💎

[@cyndimanuel5473]

Super helpful! Thank you!

[@Beccadette]

Thank you

[@stephaniepetion6100]

I am crying right now. I was manipulated picked an assignment cause i didn't want my best friend to get upset with me. Fast forward, i cannot continued with the assignment but i still have to do it and she wanted more and more from me and making me feeling guilty when i stay forceful in this case. She blamed me for not picking up extra hours from work. I should had say "no" from the beginning( 5 months ago). I am resenting of myself for putting myself in that situation! I am a people pleaser! I need to fix this problem cause getting close to 40yrs soon, i just can't do this anymore. Why i am here watching those videos to help me. Not letting others make me feel guilty manipulated into doing things i cannot do or not able to do. Thank you so much.

[@sandrabentley8111]

Do you still consider this ok, that a 'best friend' might do this? Like the video says, we need to work on ourselves to understand why we do the things we do, otherwise we won't attract healthy, authentic people who truly care about us, to come into our lives.

[@alexlindstrom555]

This is me. So me.