How To Tell A Family Member NO | Setting Boundaries With Family

Do you struggle with saying no?
If you can’t say no, especially when it comes to your family members, today’s video may help you begin to balance your own needs with others’.
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This video was created by Barbara Heffernan, LCSW for educational purposes only. These videos are not diagnostic and provide no individual consultation. Consumption of these materials is for your own education and any medical, psychological, or professional care decisions should be made between you and your primary care doctor or another provider that you are engaged with. Barbara Heffernan is not available for individual consultation via KZbin, social media, or email, and provides services only in the manner mentioned above.
Edited by Video Editing Experts
#SayingNo #PeoplePleasing #Boundaries
☀️☀️CHAPTERS☀️☀️
0:00 Intro
1:29 The Pressure to be Agreeable
2:38 Appeasing Your Family
4:03 Your Soft Spots
7:52 Enforce Your Own Boundaries

[@realhealing7802]

Respect has to go both ways in a relationship. No is a complete sentence.

[@vickilynn9514]

It's not always about self esteem or identity, often it's just guilt and obligation, especially with a passive, dependent elderly mother for instance.

[@helen2158]

The difficulty is that in dysfunctional family dynamics, for the one who used to put their needs secondary: feelings of guilt and shame become attached to saying “no”. This makes it difficult to break the cycle. It’s possible though with perspective taking and self compassion and , initially, an empathetic therapist

[@martinahavelkova9828]

The key sentence is for me that they prioritize their wants over your needs. You need to cover your needs first. Thank you Barbara.

[@Lena-zo2tl]

I believe that in many cases, people who don't enforce their boundaries are doing so for very good reasons. I'd be very interested in hearing how it went for the people in your examples after they set boundaries, because some families don't take kindly to its members setting boundaries, and there can be serious consequences for doing so. In my experience, after spending the last 3.5 years attempting to extricate myself from the role of "the competent one" I have discovered that this easier said than done, for several reasons. First of all there are the immense feelings of guilt which are very difficult to shake, and then there's the issue of giving up what has become a core part of your identity and your primary source of self-worth. And in some families (like mine), giving up a role that is so integral to the functioning of the family system like that of "the competent one" will completely destabilize the family and you may find yourself subjected to retaliation and even cut off from the entire family as the family rallies around the the boundary-violator who they feel is being victimized by your boundaries. Setting boundaries can be a real catch-22.

[@Lena-zo2tl]

@@MarieG-yr8yr Thank you for your kind words. Wishing you all the best on your own journey.

[@rachellerockel]

Yea, the cost is real but I’ll pay it 10x over. Sending survivors love and light ❤

[@tag7592]

I identify will you completely. It feels like we're born into "family foundations" already "set in stone", and we adapt to them whether unhealthy or not. It's particularly daunting when it seems like you're the major "pillar" holding up most everyone.

[@rachellerockel]

@@tag7592 I just started addressing this within myself and setting boundaries with my family

[@dnk4559]

This has been very true. I have been essentially shunned for setting boundaries with the toxic family members and labeled the problem. In therapy I’ve come to understand that their projection and scapegoating is the only way they know how to deal with their pain.

[@paulasynjohnson]

I'm the youngest member of our family unit and never allowed to forget it. Despite being 51 it still feels that, like it or not, I am sans boundaries. My self esteem is around my ankles!

[@don-eb3fj]

In that case it's best to remember not to bend over anymore, backward OR forward. I know, cheap joke, but I GUARANTEE you'll remember it the next time you're put in that situation! I know, it's tough. No contact is the other solution, the one I ended up with, but it quickly becomes ingrained. Choose wisely.

[@tracybeckett2515]

I love all your scenarios and examples. They say 10% of the people do 70% of the work. This seemed true back in the days when I volunteered at my kids school. Also, a common phrase that bothers me is: If you need something done, ask a busy person because they’re organized and can fit it in! Yeesh!

[@tag7592]

One can really self efface when focusing on the needs of others (family) to a detrimental level physically, mentally, and psychologically to oneself. And as a result, complete burnout ensues.

[@Mixedandfine]

I needed some help, and boom, here comes an email, then a link to this video!!

[@michaelvandenheuvel317]

No is no problem what so ever. It’s all ok. Knowing all along you are good. Kind gentle and understanding to others and especially your self.

[@frohsmohswainaksfst]

Helpful! So many many people who do not hear my no‘s. Am womdering about these difficulties for decades.cery helpful and reinforcing your video.

[@rachellerockel]

Wow, your description resonates so deeply. I feel understood and that’s priceless. I now have a roadmap forward ❤

[@taom9004]

OMG: I just did the quiz and I DO find myself crying during TV commercials...or sometimes weather reports! LOL. The confusing thing is, I do know I am as worthy as anyone else, but my nervous system doesn't seem to have gotten the memo. With narcissistic parents, the consequences of making boundaries was so fraught that even though I KNEW they were being unfair, selfish, or cruel, my anxiety was/is pretty high when I have to say "no." Like heart pounding, up at night, trouble breathing, difficult. One of my tricks I have learned is to pay attention and start early when the stakes are low and the pattern hasn't yet been entrenched. Like, don't tell guests who are staying more than three days, "Please sit. It will give me such pleasure to treat you to a proper rest." Instead say, "Yes, in this house, we always put our dirty dishes straight in the dishwasher. No need to rinse them off," unless you want to spend the entire visit treasure hunting for dirty mugs scattered all over the house and doing dishes. Eleanor Roosevelt put her finger on it when she said, “What other people think of me is none of my business... I know it is none of my business, but I am a people pleaser and I want everyone to like me (even if I don't like them so much) and think the best." But if the person you are making a boundary with is a narcissist, be prepared for a scorched earth reaction. With all due respect for the First Lady, Radical acceptance will be required. And it might be worth picking up a copy of The Art of War, by Sun Tzu

[@don-eb3fj]

Wise observations, and very well written, brought a wry grin to my normally stony countenance. Keep at it.

[@sheetalkawali1052]

Your description, Boundary quiz and finding negative core beliefs takes to more clarity about self. Thank you so much for this.

[@idkwhodos2840]

Thank you, you've given me ideas for someone I doubt will respect my boundaries. I'm going to try to remember that if it gets awkward it's them that have caused it, and not for me to fix👍

[@michaelvandenheuvel317]

I won’t let it happen. Arms length kindness accommodating with every grace.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Such a beautiful phrase! Thank you for sharing.

[@broGabiza]

Great video and great examples👌. Thank you very much

[@user-cj7nh6tt9p]

My boyfriends family and friends are like this. It didn’t bother me at first, but it’s been getting worse and worse after my lovely father in law passed away. No one respects my partners time, availability and our home life. He’s a people’s pleaser so he barely says no and the worse of this is that they don’t even respect him. It’s expected of him to drop everything is doing to go and assist with whatever. We want to start a business, I need help at home too. It’s impossible for anyone to build a decent life by constantly giving time to others. I learned this the hard way and it’s not that I don’t understand that of course sacrifices need to be done, but it’s the expectation and the completely lack of respect I see that pisses me off. There’s no humility in asking you know?

[@lenagiffoni]

Very helpful. Thank you very much for your work 💖

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

You’re welcome 😊 so pleased you found it helpful!

[@Lena-zo2tl]

My heart really goes out to Ann. I really don't think she will get a chance to load the kids back in the car before her sister drives off. She is probably going to have to take much more drastic measures. Since working from home with three young kids may not be an ideal situation, maybe the solution would be for Ann to hire a babysitter and work out of a co-working space, or even find another job entirely. But if she is able to work and care for her children simultaneously somehow, then her only real option would be to move further away from her sister.

[@idkwhodos2840]

Maybe don't open the door?🤷‍♀️ Tho sister would probably drive off leaving the kids stranded anyway!

[@dnk4559]

I agree. I was raged at for trying to set boundaries with a sister. She’s the baby bully of the family.

[@don-eb3fj]

A less than ideal means to an end, perhaps, but sending them home a few times amped up on caffeine and sugar might make Aunt Ann a less popular babysitting option for Sister- solution oriented thinking...

[@sheilaabrahams1322]

I am the older sister and was always supposed to take care of the younger sister. But in my late 60's I was still supposed to take care of the "baby" in her early 60's, it got a bit ridiculous. I said "no" and it got real ugly.

[@dnk4559]

Exactly the same with my family! Being the oldest in a toxic family where your expected to care take for parents and siblings and then in your fifties you realize no one has actually ever cared about you. It’s been a grief process but I’m wrapping my mind around all the scapegoating and rejection that has take place as a result of my wanting to receive the same care and compassion I was always expected to give and gave.

[@allthingsnewlife]

❤

[@lindab6974]

Ann should take the kids to the police department and let them know they were abandoned by their mother

[@Lena-zo2tl]

Her conscience would probably prevent her from doing that.

[@don-eb3fj]

Oooh, Nuclear Option. That outta settle things.

[@user-nz5wm4bg9s]

my husband deaf no ear the noise

[@dlight2669]

Yeah let me helpb you so you can continue to drink, gamble and spend most of your $$ on take out food, media games or what ever else they are addicted to thant keeps them crippled. Let me put your needs before my needs to have no security while you always seem to NOT have money for necessities but you always have your beer, cigs and lottery tickets. Does this sound familiar?? I wonder why some become the sacrificial lamb . Repeat wash and rinse to repeat wash and rinse over and over Plz enlighten me. Ty

[@don-eb3fj]

"If you love something, set it on its own feet, point it in the right direction, and set it free. If it comes back to live in your basement, don't order it pizza and pay for its cellphone plan. And make it get a job." Not the best poetry maybe, but I learned the hard way- the one I had to finally give up on finally got his act together, and thanked me. Your results may vary.