The Hidden Agenda Behind Narcissistic Compassion

Narcissistic compassion is a manipulative tactic employed by individuals with strong narcissistic traits often found on the Dark Triad or Dark Tetrad. While it may initially appear as genuine empathy and care for others, it generally serves as a means to fulfil their own self-interests.
Have you ever questioned the sincerity of someone's compassion or wondered if there's more to their seemingly kind acts? This video looks at the the disturbing ways in which narcissists exploit compassion to gain control, validation, and personal benefits and how it differs from altruistic narcissism.
From conditional support to emotional manipulation, shedding light on the various techniques narcissists employ to maintain their self-image and exert dominance over others. Looking also at how dark personality types use compassion as a means to justify their abuse of others.
00:00 Intro
00:48 Altruistic vs compassionate
02:09 Examples of narcissistic compassion
06:13 Dark Personality
06:59 Using compassion to abuse
10:44 Conclusion
References:
Patrick, C. J. (2007). Antisocial personality disorder and psychopathy. In T. A. Widiger et al. (Eds.), Personality and psychopathology (pp. 287-315). Guilford Press.
Jonason, P. K., & Webster, G. D. (2010). The dirty dozen: A concise measure of the Dark Triad. Psychological Assessment, 22(2), 420-432.
Patrick, C. J. (2007). Antisocial personality disorder and psychopathy. In T. A. Widiger et al. (Eds.), Personality and psychopathology (pp. 287-315). Guilford Press.
Međedović, J., & Petrović, B. (2015). Relationship between the dark triad and the big five personality traits. Psihologija, 48(1), 43-55.
Buckels, E. E., Jones, D. N., & Paulhus, D. L. (2013). Behavioral confirmation of everyday sadism. Psychological Science, 24(11), 2201-2209.
Please feel free to suggest any topics you might like me to cover in future videos.
If you find this video interesting please consider supporting me on Patreon or Substack
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#narcissisticabuseawareness #narcissistrelationship #compassion

[@josiah5776]

My mother would do this. Over the years, I grew wise to it. When she offered to buy a van for me and my family, I declined. She was shocked and asked why. I replied, "I don't want the price that comes with it." (i.e. her control). She instantly grew very nasty, and over that next year she transferred the golden boy status over to my son, her grandson, and I became the bad guy. I eventually cut her, and her flying monkeys, out of my life entirely.

[@littlestbroccoli]

It's funny they don't realize their reactions are plainly not those of a kind person. When you turn down their offer and they get mad it shows their true intent. Someone who's accepting of others and the decisions they might make would not be affected, or would be able to be polite about the refusal, but narcs can't pull that off. Their mask slips all of a sudden.

[@oceanaoushn8803]

At two seconds before the very end of video!? "When a fox hears a rabbit scream, it comes running, but ...not to help "

[@mariewilliams194]

Narcissistic compassion is about looking like they are wonderful and perfect. They just like walking around all holier than thou.

[@sharonthompson672]

Ooo know some church folks like that...😆

[@sunnyadams5842]

​@@sharonthompson672And parents can be the worst. Everyone around you can be seduced by the narc before you know what hit you! We are supposed to trust our parents - it's a biological imperative?!! What they do is UNNATURAL AND SICK!!!

[@antheredhen]

My mother in law.. Everyone who knows her thinks she's so wonderful. Yet all her kids avoid her or lie about their lives because she is so manipulative and controlling. I'm cutting ties with her and getting the cold shoulder from people who know her because "I'm the bad person." for not being her free slave/ housekeeper. She can afford a maid she just thinks I should do it... For 33 years I've put up with her controlling and manipulating us with lies. I'm done. Course I picked a bad time to finally get some guts. Now she's going down hill "I'm not there to help her in her time if need."

[@sunnyadams5842]

@@antheredhen was she there for yours? In your time of need, I mean. I don't mean to sound bitter, just factual. I've been 13 months No Contact with my father. He's a terrible person but I'm the only one who's said no mas to him. He was a big public figure during my growing up. He's hunted me. There became a time he would always get to where I was going, first, and poison the well. His power and influence was so much stronger than me... He's cut off my means of survival, pay people to lie to me and disorient and abandon me, take my money and not deliver, all sorts of crazy stuff no one would believe, so I'd fail. Eventually, I had to disappear. Totally clothes on my back, gone in the night, no one will ever know where, ( although I'm sure somebody knows who knows him) kinda start all over again @ 55. That was two years ago. My father's trying to get in touch through my old media. Of course, even as far as I've had to go to get free of his drag net, I felt bad. I 'vexsoent a week or so contemplating writing him one more letter or sending him a video explaining it all... One more time. You know,,? The best argument I found that kept me from doing it was He never took time for me when I desperately needed a person for a minute. I was sick. And scared and he'd call and act supportive but do nothing. I finally asked him if he would come out to the Southwest where I live, from the East Coast- he has plenty of time and money. He said, " that would be unrealistic". At the time I was still too brainwashed to say what any normal person would: What does THAT mean?? I want to write him a letter that says that to contact him would be unrealistic, but I can even sleep myself from that. I value my peace more, and ge will never change.Sacectoursekf!! Don't waste another minute with her unless YOU Want to and not out of FUVJING GUILT!! The SHAME is HER'S. GO live your life. She made her choices. Sad as it is.... 👠❤️💕

[@BachateroSueco]

Social justice warriors are like that, and they are about to revolutionize a world near you.

[@kirschrot77]

Narcissistic compassion is an oxymoron

[@clincpb8903]

You are great, these people are disgusting.

[@imnoel8214]

Thank you Darren for the enlightenment into narcissistic compassion. Such people are "foul weather friends". What they do for you looks on the surface to be kind or compassionate, but what they really want is a front row seat to your pain.

[@L5biszz]

Mmmm... this could involve borrowing money... talking behind your back. Offering a place hassle free in time of a need then start asking for money in the least expected time.

[@christymckee8133]

or they really are just getting closer to your hubby. in my case all i can say is theres nothing there i care to fight over. after her knowing alot of what he has done to my son and me and what he still does. im sure she thinks she will be special. like all the rest. hell, maybe she might actually make a good honest man of him. but ill not hold my breath! instead, like other times, ill grab me some popcorn and watch my predictions play out. only difference this time will be im not mad. and nobody will come crawling back to me with sob stories or bs. Those fair weather friends will give you clues. They will always laugh at the narcholes put downs infront of them. i mean "jokes". why would a friend think these "jokes" are so amusing? 🤔 thats weird! they give backhand comments in many ways. for example they have to run to the store and come back with something they got for you. a new package of hair ties for fine, brittle, or bleached hair.... 🤔 thats odd! they make excuses for the person youve been married to for 19 years when the hubby is supposed to do something but isnt showing up the faux friend says "oh hes probably just....". I could go on but really the most important thing to pay attention to is how it feels especially when the 2 of them are in the same room as you

[@MT-bc1we]

Hard to believe a narcissist has compassion for anyone. This video reminds me of something In business called a SWOT analysis (strength, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats).

[@timorthelame1]

When a narcissist exhibits what appears to be compassion, it's most often completely inauthentic and used as a tool to manipulate influence or persuade others. It's little more than virtue signaling. The worst is when they do so just so they can get a better look at your misery up close. If you already know that someone is a narc, do not share your pain and struggles with them, because they just might be getting off on it, while you both pretend that they care.

[@Denise11Schultz]

You helped me understand that when I hear ‘compassion’, I assume a valid motive. But ‘narcissistic compassion’ reveals many possible dark motives. With a narcissist it will usually turn out to be some type of manipulative con. Thank you for explaining. 🤔🦋🕊

[@Ariela-ApostolicA238]

God help me; I'm married, (HOPEFULLY DIVORCED ASAP) to a COVERT NARCISSIST, and he has BOTH ALTERISTIC (I might of spelt that wrong) lol, AND COMPASSION, all rolled up into a NIGHTMARE BALL of a HUMAN/DEMON.

[@ginafarley6190]

Please plan your exit secretly and be cunning about it. These people retaliate! Be safe ❤️

[@sharonthompson672]

Good luck and best wishes to you. ❤️🌹🍀👍

[@djhrecordhound4391]

The above commenter is 100% correct, have as many of your ducks in a row as possible before escape. Make it a once-and-for-all clean break... ...and for goodness sake, once you're gone, DO NOT EVER break the "no-contact rule"--you WILL get suckered back in!

[@joannakasiakaczor7054]

Exactly! We'll said, my soon to be ex husband is just like that. Demonic Covert Narc.

[@oceanaoushn8803]

And the best "joke" is how everyone around those coverts believes them to be kind, patient, reasonable, sensible, sober, caring ....🤢 Do NOT even try to make anyone know and understand your situation. Those ignoRA(n)TS might rat you to the covert.

[@justChristine]

Right on Darren, my narcissist generously gave our processions away without asking us. After our divorce he picked my son up from college graduation with all belongings, drove him down to Florida from Michigan. On the news was a lady that house burned and needed new stuff. Dad gave my sons uhaul truck load to the lady. Very generous of him. My son became his new supply. 😢 His bike became missing, his dog given away, he owed his Dad back he was told. 😮

[@ginafarley6190]

Betrayal of the highest sort in order to get supply and pretend to be a “good person.” What a sicko

[@sharonthompson672]

That's horrible. So glad you left. 🌹👍

[@justChristine]

@@sharonthompson672 I had never wished a narcissist dead until this senior age and experience. Because it's only when the dust settles that it all becomes much clearer the trail of devastation.

[@sunnyadams5842]

​@@justChristineIt took a year to figure out all the stuff my Ex- cleaning lady's husband must have handed out a back window - while "Being a Blessing". With Blessings like that who needs a Curse?!

[@BunnyLang]

The gift giving truly enmeshed me in the gaslighting of my mother. Feeling guilty for her sacrifices, taking her giving as a form of love for myself and my children. There is no doubt she was gathering information and there is no doubt she would later feel entitled to flip on a dime and lash out in the cruelest of ways. I feel I was the most victimized in this because of my vulnerability and the guilt I carried about her own hard life and that kept me away from my own pain and seeing her for who she truly was. I'm working on it and praying to get through this block, as I now know she knew right from wrong, and that makes a huge difference in my life. Thank you, Mr. Magee

[@joannageorge7305]

And they sure milk their own past hardships, don't they?

[@BunnyLang]

@@joannageorge7305 Yes they do. So important to learn about the predators.

[@sharonthompson672]

Oh my gosh! This is gonna be a keeper. This might explain why a family member "took me in" when I got laid off work. 😳 4:20. ...they create a strong emotional bond AND DEPENDENCY.....shift their behavior.... become more controlling, manipulative, emotionally abusive.....😢😮 A funny side note, my American closed captioning is hysterically unable to decipher an Irish brogue. 🤣🤣🤣 Watched four times, still learning....🧐👍 Thanks so much Darren, you packed a lot of info in this one.

[@GamerGrrrlAlex2.0]

When you were describing how compassion is used to create flying monkeys and realising that my grandmother used these tactics on me when I was growing up so she could have the ultimate flying monkey. As a young teen then it worked ... not to flap my own wings, but I was a really good flying monkey. 😢 After I got up older then I started seeing the bad behavior and manipulation that was happening. When my toddler became a victim of manipulation I moved half way across the US to get my child to safety. We went low contact with most the family, and no contact with my grandmother ... and anyone I found out would feed her information about us. I was very diligent in keeping all ability for her to 'pretend' that everything was good between us to her friends.

[@sharonthompson672]

Yes, I had to put the one remaining sibling/flying monkey on an information diet for that very reason.

[@GamerGrrrlAlex2.0]

Perfect timing. Just went on lunch break and am able to watch straightaway! Be back after the video. :)

[@evelynkorjack2126]

we all know that we must all suffer for the common good. 🎪

[@furrysourcecode9809]

That's why my grandpa says never tell anyone everything about you because they will bleed a person dry. He noticed that with his daughter and wife when it came to the grandchildren. Like if the grandchildren were seeing a doctor or therapist they were more than likely looking for something to be abusive with. Now if you found out that this was going on they will swap docs till they run out of local docs and then have the transportation services go from there to literally to another zipcode as some know that's not coming out of their pockets and some will use those services for their own benefit. Like for example my mom uses them to go to pet stores, etc as long as the transportation driver makes medicaid believe it's a medical run. Meanwhile if it isn't for that it's to find someone who will agree with her and she likes being the center of attention at other people's sessions. I had to laugh when a doc for my bro finally said that if she wants to be the main focus of these sessions she had to sign up as a patient. Nobody in her zoo wanted to do that because they claimed the doc would be giving them medicine lol

[@DC-xi6gd]

Spot on

[@TheTeganOsmondChannel]

I appreciate how you cover so many angles and various masks with this disorder

[@DarrenFMagee]

Thanks Tegan 👍

[@lydiagibas114]

Thank you Darren.. As always so informative and helpful.

[@lydiagibas114]

Ohhhhhh! The fox 🦊.

[@dashathehorsegirl7943]

Darren, thank you for your lectures/ videos. Really appreciate the content and listen to it again and again. Sincerely, Victoria B, MD Cardiothoracic anesthesiologist The product of two narcotic parents.

[@abitoutofsorts]

My father is a narcissist. I wish I had understood it sooner. It’s very sad.

[@alsam7566]

My ex-husband was so generous; he would give anyone the shirt off my back.

[@scooterwoodley195]

This is 100% perfectly stated!

[@joannageorge7305]

Thank you for another valuable piece of insight. Frankly I've come to be suspicious of any (too emphatic) talk of "compassion" and "empathy". The real thing doesn't need to be announced. Call me cynical, but I find when it's talked about, in oneself, it's performative at best.

[@SuzannaLiessa]

I agree.

[@robertafierro5592]

This is one of the BEST videos on this topic!

[@winter-qd4yw]

Thank you for another great video; I really appreciate these!

[@joannakasiakaczor7054]

Exactly described my soon to be ex husband!!

[@crstn111]

Every time we met with this new colleague she always brought me something, be it a coffee or a chocolate, just out of the blue. I was always a but uncomfortable, but could not spot the red flag there - now I have this experience and hopefully will never let a narcissist abuse my sense of reality ❤

[@sunnyadams5842]

I had a new Friend LIKE that. Always showering me with stuff... Felt kinda odd but of course believed the problem was Me.. she ended up stealing my horse and Donkey for her kids! Took her 5 years to set it up! She was good!! Never Trust

[@chelleb3055]

Aside from your content, may I say how much I love your Irish accent? The cadence is very soothing.

[@Einsamira]

this viedeo has changed the way i think about my narc ex! I now can say without a doubt that he has this type of narcissism. for so long i couldn‘t believe myself and my intuition because I felt I owed him my loyalty just for simply existing with me in our home and my problems/pain or accepting those hurtful things I was going through. But because of you I now can see his real interest by doing all of that: i was only a tool for him to give him an appearance of a savior/hero in return. the fact he pretends to be empathic just for his own acceptance in „society“ makes me sick to this day

[@ollia]

Well said!

[@sunnyadams5842]

Oh yes!! My narc daddy is So CONCERNED about me - until he has had me back UNDER CONTROL. Then I sink back off his radar and am a big pain in The ass he conveniently forgets about. He can start forgetting permanentl. No Contact is BLISS!!!

[@lilredheaded1]

Thank you!!!

[@scooterwoodley195]

The worst part for me is my narc wife doesn’t produce any income but is super generous with money I’ve earned for our family…at the expense of our financial stability. She is constantly buying others gifts, dinners, drinks and it’s always on my dime in order to make her appear loving and generous. She has financially abused me in order to build up her giving reputation. She is a financially illiterate vampire.

[@smooth-oce3876]

How can you help people realise their behaviour is like this when they view it as such a loving and compassionate gesture for so long

[@littlestbroccoli]

You can't. They are often way too entrenched in their own way of seeing the world. It's a very old wound which can rarely be touched by therapists, if they would ever even go to one.

[@user2j3ycg4df]

So very well explained. Thanks very much.

[@SimoneJassmann-jr5bl]

Thanks for this video

[@bjjmama1280]

Thank you for your great content. Always informative and helpful. I wonder if you would consider doing another video on the subject of narcs with legitimate and illegitimate illnesses, hypochondriac type behaviour and how the legitimate illness of the child of a narc can become an opportunity for exploitation by the narc. Would be so interesting to have a better understanding of all this. Thank you 😊

[@jessselene]

There is no suck thing as narcissistic compassion. None. They always want something.

[@deetheman3508]

Very informative as always 👍

[@Mouse_Metal]

If you want a textbook fictional example to spot them in real life: Bo-Katan Kryze from Star Wars. I wonder why that 100% narc is treated like a hero now. She´s a villain and the most accurate fictional narcs I have ever seen.

[@loekiekanters4295]

'Oh, I am so caring about this person. See me crying real tears! Oh how terrible his situation is, he needs help, why he gets no help? How great I am that I help this person.' (later ...) 'He is dead? That the best for him, his life was awful.'

[@christymckee8133]

The narchole I married hasnt ever experienced any trauma or pain, heartbreak (im sure he has, really like his dad dying but thats about it). He acts like he doesnt understand how his actions suck or why I should ever have a problem with what all he has done. Except when he thinks another man may be interested in me (which would be shocking to him because im only desirable to him, sometimes).

[@WaterBug46]

H is right there should he witness a toe stub. Also h: laughs at broken ankled one on crutches struggle to put t seat down- that he left up. So short answer it’s all about them. Whether a laugh or an attaboy we serve them.

[@MarleyLeMar]

Dr Magee - How does therapy connect with the client’s spiritual nature for healing and wholeness? Do you believe it’s necessary? What is your approach?

[@Erri-kb6et]

This is all very interesting. But my question is how does one cope with a narcissistic child? As a stepmother of a narcissistic child (heavily traumatized by his narcissistic/ borderline mother) I have been through hell. We had no life. This child has all the characteristics of a covert narcissist. I didn't know then what I know now about the matter and tried to make our lives better by just applying parenthood simly put. But that didn't work of course. My partner (his father) didn't react to his manupulating, abusing, aggression, dominance to the point where our relationship nearly ended and I broke down with panic attacks because of the daily conflicts, gaslighting etc. The rest of the family blamed me for being harsh on him as he played the victim very well in the presence of others. I have tried my best, I know where his behaviour comes from but it is impossible to live with someone who behaves like this.

[@theJACK__]

"Mason Verger" said that.

[@marleneg7794]

I am addict and my husband (he introduced me the drug) he hates that I am waking up. I never heard the end of my past mistakes it is very difficult for me to know what is true.

[@TheDianeC]

I can relate. I became an alcoholic. Almost impossible to muddle through it when you become the problem. But we know the truth! Stay strong 💪

[@mannyg2800]

So an altruistic narcissist is someone’s personality/ character, and compassionate narcissism is the tactics used. So both can go hand in hand?

[@nicholecornes1915]

I dont give a fuck when a Empath has enough and heals WE DONT CARE! Its not fun when the rabbit has the gun!!!!😂

[@menocchioscandella]

I'm looking for researches related with narcissistic compassion and I can't find any. Do you have any references, Darren F. Magee?

[@DarrenFMagee]

@menocchioscandella Apologies I'd forgotten to add the research in the description of the video. It is mostly based on Dark Personality Types, of which narcissism is a part. Hope you find it helpful

[@menocchioscandella]

@@DarrenFMagee thank you!

[@HomeFrendsten]

My mothr manipulated me since childhood and made me useless now she treats my daughter asif she is very compassionate, and loving narcsistc grandparents ,uncles and aunts are not normal relations

[@nicholecornes1915]

Be the BAD GUY!

[@styx1272]

Altruistic narcissism is Virtue Signaling is it not ?

[@crina193]

❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@anjaliawate1734]

Spare me🙏

[@margreethvermeulen178]

Jan Haak ten voeten uit😅

[@sixthsenseamelia4695]

🌱🌏💚