Common Hoovering Tactics and the Reasons Why

[@DarrenFMagee]

Please feel free to suggest any topics you might like me to cover in future videos.

[@FilipRanogajec]

Are people born as narcissists, or do they develop it at some point in life? How it comes to it?

[@redherronrecords]

Hi Darren! Could you please do a deep dive on mirroring? I find it the most insidious part of this. Thanks for the info!

[@1LookingUp]

Dimentia and the Narcissist.

[@SydneyAnchin-mq3mz]

Your videos are fantastic! I would love to learn more about vulnerable narcissist mothers/parents.

[@vior83]

Hi Darren, I’d love to know and learn more about how to deal with a narcissist who is part of your family and you can’t simply ignore or avoid. Thanks a lot for sharing your knowledge with us :)

[@FilipRanogajec]

The narcs are weaker and have less control over us with every video you make, Darren! Thanks! 😊

[@billybobkingston5604]

Well said, their day has come

[@FilipRanogajec]

@@billybobkingston5604, there'll always be more, friend.

[@PhoenixFeathers]

Once you have really seen through one narcissist, you see through them all. That’s the great thing about narcissism. It is SO predictable once you know how to recognize them.

[@Cornusnuttallii]

@@fritsfelix8423 So true. I have met a couple of them in my life that had been through therapy for many years for having been sexually abused, and they eventually think they are the therapist. They are most covert because they think their therapist has their back and they have read all the books, etc. I don't think therapists do enough to call people out on their stuff.

[@Jaxmusicgal23]

That isnt true. My mom was a overt grandiose narcissist. Covert ones are harder to see. I married one with covert narcissistic tendencies.

[@yvetteandjorgenlarsen9753]

​@@Jaxmusicgal23well, I think I could have had a good suspicion of what I was dealing with had I just known about love-bombing. If I'd even known half of what I know now, I believe I could have recognized it.

[@wendysimpson6395]

Nearly a year ago I set my boundaries. I got ambushed the other day with a combination of demands that I take back what I'd said/hoovering in the form of 'why can't we get back to were we were and was so totally ignored that I went inside my house and shut the door whilst he continued.

[@203blessings]

This type of dysfunction, (the sadistic type) it is unnerving seeing the tactics being deployed knowing it is only going to get darker and more disturbing.

[@JanetSnakehole28]

If the narc is your parent, it's worth pre-emptively talking to your local police, because narc parents can & do report no contact adult children as missing or endangered. For UK based kids-of-narcs, I'd also advise pre-emptively contacting Salvation Army Family Tracing Service to be put on their 'no chance, sod off' list. Same goes for the charity Missing People. I had those attempt a hoover-by-proxy & it was truly bizarre & very guilt trippy. If you anticipate possible ways you'll be hoovered, you can put things in place to protect yourself. Worth telling your employer, landlord & neighbours too, but obviously stay vague eg, 'I have a stalker, please don't divulge information about me' or something.

[@izawaniek2568]

Spot on! Hoovering is offensive and disgusting , it fully shows how narcisists objectify people and how cold blooded and machiavellian they are. It makes you feel sick. Thank you Darren for a very detailed description of what hoovering is all about.

[@imnoel8214]

Thank you Darren for these excellent insights. Blocking has been a very effective self-protective measure. My silence is my power.

[@malwinagarmada2807]

I never believed that he would start hoovering me.. I was shocked after a dirty discard to receive the text and reached out to me trying to meet up for a coffee and blaming me for everything that supposedly caused him to discard me...I'm so confused. Now I have full confirmation of the person being narcissistic, it is so clear

[@tallgrrl1]

Someone who is truly confident, happy, emotionally regulated, would not hoover.

[@billybobkingston5604]

Thanks for your insight, I am a carer for my dad who is also an aggressive narc, bad enough dealing with his health issues and then you have his tantrums

[@mrsimo7144]

Love bomb. Devalue, discard. All can be sorted by waterboarding those narcs. She destroyed me. Thanks for the upload ❤️

[@cann8035]

I have a highly religious narcissistic mom, I’ve been married to a covert narcissist for 37 years and a have a adult daughter that is a narcissist. I’ve been spending much time the past 2 years trying to understand this circus of chaos I’ve been living in my whole life, where instead on happy clowns it’s full of demons. Your channel has been very helpful towards that end. One thing I have noticed that narcissists have in common is a profound sense of abandonment whether that be real or imagined. All their attempts to be the best, brightest, prettiest, smartest, richest, the most pious etc. is a way for them to “insure” their worst fears won’t come to fruition again. They seem to believe that if they can make themselves indispensable then they will never experience the pain of being disposed of again. Is that something you have found to be true?

[@TallKulWmn1]

🙋‍♀️WoW are you an ex Jehovah’s Witness too? I’m PIMO & you just described my life! Apparently I’ve got my own brand of crazy. The insight coming thru here has been very beneficial 🫶

[@cann8035]

No, my background is evangelical Christian. This demon isn’t particular where it shows up. It’ll attend any church, denomination, religious institution or for that matter atheist without prejudice. It’s an equal opportunity destroyer.

[@rioseven7306]

I believe that abandonment issues are common with narcs.

[@lexb1075]

Found to be true w/my Mom for sure

[@christienebotha6363]

Thank you Darren 👏👌 How is it possible that they can be called "Human" but so cruel and heartless at the same time ? 😢Totally Insane 😩🙈

[@TC-gx3qn]

This one will save a lot of people from being pulled back into the narcissists' webs. Thank you so much, Darren. So spot on- one narcissist in my life tried to hoover me through someone that I hadn't spoken to in ten years. 🙄

[@forensicbadassprofiling]

Hello Doc Darren. Thank you for all your work that you provide for us in educating us through this recovery process. I'm wondering if you might be able to do a video on us older folks, and the aftermath that this type of abuse has caused? The difficulties in older people making friends and finding new family, even dating? Would you be willing to do a video on that topic? Because I find it's quite different for the younger generation dealing with this, and being able to recover much quicker. Younger generations seem to have the ability to make friends more easily, and date and find Family much easier. We older people are somewhat disposable to begin with. And then surviving abuse, we are outcasted from our former friends, family of origin, and clearly from our former partners and their families and friends. It's almost like being in limbo in a very bizarre way. Especially with the rise of narcissism and psychopathy. The rise of divorce rates. The rise in domestic violence. And the rise in less funding for human resources, and Social Services for older folks stuck in between, unable to qualify or join older communities. I am nearing the age of 60. The older generation are disposable and forgotten. It's not that I don't love and trust myself, but it's even impossible to find companionship, let alone be on the dating scene. I'm into my fifth year of recovery on top of it, and very secure in myself. But it also feels like we have to come to some sort of reality here, and talk about some very difficult topics that aren't discussed on these narcissistic abuse recovery channels like the older people who've survived this. I appreciate any consideration you would have to take time to talk about this topic of my age group. Thank you kindly sir. Have a beautiful week ahead.

[@Cornusnuttallii]

Oh, my goodness sakes, you took the words right out of my brain.

[@forensicbadassprofiling]

@@Cornusnuttallii I'm happy that I could voice your identical needs and concerns. I embrace you and validate you for your feelings. Hugs 🤗❣️🤗❣️🤗

[@msjones8873]

This video came, as a coincidence, just in the right time for me. Thank you!

[@michelleuk676]

Thanks for this video Darren, it's right on topic for me right now. My mother fits all the types of narc depending on what she needs but mainly she presents as vulnerable. I've been disengaging and limiting contact after growing up as her scapegoat. I now seem to have become her golden child, she love bombs and keeps pushing gifts and money at me as well as trying to guilt and shame me. She's elderly and has been ill which she uses constantly. She expects daughter duty from me which I am resisting(very difficult!!), but she has a husband and friends so I don't feel too guilty. I don't feel angry with her anymore, just sad I guess. It's getting easier, I'm working through the grief and learning to accept.❤🖖

[@neverwares]

Yep my ex-mother stalked my business page on FB and tried to message me after 8 years NC. I just ignored her

[@rapstar4575]

They always hoover when they need something ❤

[@1LookingUp]

Everything you said is Right On! Let me repeat, EVERYTHING! BRILLIANT❣💯💥😃

[@YesMayhem7]

Yes, they still love the idea about the person thinking about them. My mother asked my for my SS#. I foolishly gave it to her. For one reason. But, now I have to worry about the millions of ways she might use it.

[@isobelle.London]

No contact is a saving grace

[@AnonAnon1]

Thank Darren! When watching this video I was reminded of you other video where you talk about hitting the iceberg head on.

[@robertmessam103]

Always nice to be prepared, time to sink the Narcissist battleship😊

[@JohnSmith-wo7ns]

She got back in contact to collect her things. She was very apologetic, but was blaming her behaviour on the fact she's a recovering alcoholic, she hasn't drank for 30 years. She didn't seem to want anything other than for me to believe her story. Which I dont.

[@jocelyndambrosio7794]

Magee- this is amazing perfection describing this - I lived this my whole life - I’m in awe at the expertise in how this was explained exact - I was exposed to this content - forever -and still can’t describe it or explain it in any way close to the perfection and accuracy Magee just did ! 😃

[@annacichocka7734]

8:33 oh oh this one right thurrrr

[@Cornusnuttallii]

This is the best explanation of hoovering I can find. Thank you. My situation regards the Mayor. Three years ago I moved to a logging town of 1200 with very vocal "conservatives". Since I have made some friends of which they vocally don't approve, I believe I am scrutinized. I wrote an email with what I thought was a good suggestion that he would like. The mayor, who used to be the police chief, responded in a subtle way that would infer that I had slighted the people here, and then he cc'd the city council. I responded by stating that he didn't answer my comments, but what he whished I had commented. I thought that would be the end of it, but another email has appeared, for which the visible line is "...I am sorry, but I thought I had answered..." So I came looking here before I got sucked in, and I am very glad I did. HOWEVER, I find that I sometimes do some of the things in the second half of the video, which REALLY disturbs me.

[@caldwellfisher5288]

Most of us, even little kids want things to go a certain way, and we can make up little strategies to help things along the way~and all long before we know there is a system or strategy for manipulating others. Its when it harms others for long periods without you even caring, thats were you begin to fall down that well. By the way your comment sounds like a cheesy film script, no offence meant.

[@Cornusnuttallii]

​@@caldwellfisher5288 HAH! Yes, cheesy is a good word. Big frog in a little pond. You do know what happens when the water doesn't get cycled through a little pond.

[@Lolopug9]

Absolutely spot-on for the narcs in my life. Recently one of them hoovered me in again and now has dumped me. 😂 Sadly for them, I accepted that they were narcissists a while ago (after a lot of pain and hard work), and I am not as upset about it as they would like 😅

[@Zyx11]

Just got an email from a sibling I went no-contact with a few months ago....hope springs eternal but instead of emailing back I got the bright idea to check out hoovering videos. THANK YOU.

[@cathousemary]

I love your videos on narcissism, they make it easy to understand and give coping strategies. I am the adult child of a narcissist and my entire family is in the B Cluster. Could you delve into the Histrionic, Borderline, and Antisocial disorders? They seem to overlap a lot with Narcissistic disorder.

[@DarrenFMagee]

Hi I’ve made videos on those topics already if you find anything helpful there?

[@rioseven7306]

100% accurate as usual.

[@AnneCasserley-ku3mf]

This has really helped me. I'm being bombarded with calls at the moment. Its great to know how they tick.

[@thrivingnow7395]

Change your phone number and go total no contact

[@yvetteandjorgenlarsen9753]

😅 I guess it's just really hard to seriously explain narcissists' antics and immature remarks without making your audience laugh! You've developed such good dry humour that I think you're ready for comedy clubs!🙃😂 🙂😉😊

[@LynseyMorrison]

Very good advice 😊 thank you

[@sharonthompson672]

Always a great message Darren, delivered in that musical voice. 👍🙂🍀

[@sabinespies4706]

THANK YOU! Thank you. Always thought I am crazy.

[@roadwarrior7401]

really well described situations i thought, and well expressed objectively

[@davidhalldurham]

Wow, another excellent video! Thank you so much.

[@vorbis4860]

I would love to see a video on how to tell the difference between real change and hoovering. Some people can't/won't accept that their spouse is a narcissist, but though narcissists can pretend to be "changed people," I expect there are invariant aspects of their personalities they will find it nearly impossible to hide even while hoovering. What are these "tells?"

[@BookPublishingAcademy]

This was such a. Good video. Explained it all in detail.

[@marcpadilla1094]

Being on social media attracts that.

[@Craigdna]

Thank you Darren for the depth of your dissertations of narcissism, as they have helped me invaluably within my own experiences. I have watched some videos 4-5 times to force my memory storage.. I wanted to suggest a topic, but I am not sure if there is enough research on it. The topic of the group dynamics behind narcissism, especially when/if a narcissist gets into a position of power over other people., whether it be government, corporations, religious groups, cults, etc. The hierarchical structures where the narcissist's behavior becomes biomagnified in a way, to all of the people that are underneath them in hierarchical type environment.

[@DarrenFMagee]

That’s an interesting suggestion thank you 👍

[@GinaP-o7q]

Indeed, a very interesting perspective. My adult sibling displays narcissistic behavior which, I've observed, has only increased through the years. In her professional life she is in a position of power - and as she rose through the hierarchical structure, and her sphere of influence over others became greater, the behavior only intensified and naturally spilled over into all of her relationships - partner, sibling, family, friends, etc… People in positions of power face little or no resistance in their professional environment, and I think their sense of entitlement becomes even more inflated. Dealing with them in personal relationships becomes particularly challenging because when you start to put up boundaries their reaction (shock, disbelief, anger, rage etc etc) is especially explosive. They get away with it at work every day, and it’s been like that for decades, so when they (finally) face a wall in a personal/family relationship - watch out.

[@Craigdna]

@@GinaP-o7q Wow, thanks for sharing that. Not enough people demanding that others validate their confidence through examples of accomplishments. Because they are in a position of power, people will just bow down to them, or give them respect irregardless of whether they do or don't have achievements. The charm and/or charisma is a big manipulatinig factor as well. Whjat is most interesting about our understanding of narccisim, is that many of the functions of our prefrontal cortex, are not being used in a narcissist. This translates into those with the least amount of prefrontal cortex activity, get the most attention in our society, and that is how we go backwards. As an example, perseverance, introspect, retrospect, tolerance, empathy, attention span, critial tinking, and the ability to feel and express our emotions occur in the prefrontal cortex. A narcissist lacks those characteristic traits.

[@sarahv9059]

Re the comment about not wanting to spend time with your boss… …. I’m married to my former boss (very happily so, we’re best friends too) and am close friends with my current boss and a former boss, as in we regularly spend ages chatting/laughing about everything from utter nonsense to the meaning of life over a cuppa or girly lunch. I’m also still in touch with another and exchange Christmas cards and the occasional ‘how are you?’ email. I mean, I’ve had my share of asshole bosses, as well as mostly normal-but-wouldn’t-be-friends bosses. But I guess I just got really lucky with a few of them. All 4 are genuinely good people who I am so grateful to have in my life. 😊

[@Alexandra_B-m9n]

I found your lecture very interesting. I have learned narcisist lovebomb devalue and then discard . Symbolic separation from the biological mother. So after the discard this goal is " accomplished " . There is separation. Why then the hoovering and what would be the goal of the hoovering? Thank you

[@fightswithspirits915]

She went way out of her character and bought me a set of bolt extractors, magnetic part grabber, and wearable LED light. We spent Christmas with her family and did white elephant. My gift was a custom Swiss Army knife and a roll of tape that will fix anything. Her whole family made fun of my gifts with words or looks. One lady actually asked if it was a joke. I could not understand why none of them had utility in their life skills. They could not understand a man who works on things (or something else). I think covert gf tried ot make it right by buying those simple little tools. I was impressed, but she also placed the Christmas memory in the forefront. At one time she even admitted to me she had been acting passive aggressive, but didn't say what it was. She certainly had her own style of messing with my mind and emotions. Broke up with her and did research. Most everything was confirmed. She was a soulless robot. She must have seen I was fading away. No boomboom was the first sign she got. Less and less time with her. She pulled out the big guns. Gifts, Visits, Cruise Ship plans, promises to remove drama from her life, etc. Right at the top of her commitment to resolve the biggest obstacle she had introduced, BAM. There was the big lie. Text breakup next morning. No explanation. She didn't even care other than now she had to call more exes to fill the gap.

[@April-wo9ds]

I have staff like that

[@lucyadeclat8901]

Please make a video about intermittent positive rewards and what to do when offered these. My abuser interjects positive rewards after cold incidents Thank you.

[@DarrenFMagee]

I’ve made videos on trauma bonding and how to break free from them if you’d find those helpful?

[@junimarifam]

Would this qualify as hoovering?!?! I got discarded over saying NO to a ride for someone else while picking her up from work. Did not talk to me for a week. After a week, I was told I was done, there is nothing to talk about and never to contact them. The next night they call me to tell me that they are dizzy and scared. Did not hear from them the next day. Two days later, I get two hours of text messages that included pics of our past trips, drama like her saying that she hates me, etc. at night she sends me a I am so dissapointed in our relationship. The next day she was wondering if I am going to pick up my stuff but decided to come over. At last minute she cancels. Then sends me the accidental I am ready text with an immediate that was not for you. Have not heard from her since.

[@basketballfan5763]

This is and it isn't off topic but I have an ex-boyfriend who is in counselling over extremely serious private issues I will not discuss here but I believe he's a functioning alcoholic. How is he going to deal with serious issues with a counsellor while he continues to drink away?? What have I gotten myself involved with? How did I not notice that he drank so much and how do I help him as I think he's running to the drink to escape what he is in counselling over. I am at the end of my tether. His brother is a full-blown admitted alcoholic and my ex is facilitating his brothers drinking by giving him his hard-earned money for drink. I have two autoimmune diseases so alcohol is the least of my problems as I probably shouldn't be drinking at all. Over the past few days and weeks I have had to enter the pub and have one drink to extricate my ex out of the pub because I do care about him and he's very vulnerable at the moment. I see numerous people using him including his brother😥😥😥

[@triple999fruitful]

It's time to take care of yourself. You cannot save others especially when they are not ready to get help. Alcoholic people may well be best looked after by professionals in that sphere of addiction and whatever other problems. Don't feel guilty. You need to be able to be responsible for your own life. That's not for surrender.

[@Cornusnuttallii]

I once got in a relationship with a guy who was a manager at an oil refinery. I really, really liked him. The first time I went to his house, I don't remember why, but I opened the refrigerator. The only ONLY thing in there was a box of wine. I didn't say anything about it, I just tried to process it, and having gone to a crab feed the week prior, where he pulled a pint of Fireball from the back of the car seat and took a swig, it wasn't difficult. I decided that I needed a reality check and I went to an Al Anon meeting, where significant others of alcoholics go and discuss their previous week of hell. It was enough for me.. I went outside and cried and several of them came to comfort me. I knew I had to end it.

[@kristiewallace4056]

Was. Say a mother had a son dating my daughter kids age 13. The sons mother told the son my daughter was like a ladder that she uses people as a ladder to gain status quo in the community to gain popularity and access to certain individuals and that she feeds off that. The son turn s around and tells the girl this. The girls comes to her mother really hurt and crying saying the mother said these things about her to her son and the son told my daughter. Say I confront the mother and explain to her it’s not ok what she did. I see a clear boundary and tell her no matter what I know people make mistakes but in my eyes if her son ever needs anythjng I’ll always be there if I can be of aid. The mother makes the son break up with the girl. After the girls mother confronts the boys mother. A week later the girl texts. The boys mother asking her to call her bc the girl doesn’t understand what she did wrong. Or why all the sudden the boy wants nothing to do with her or will not talk to her at all. The girls mom listens from outside the door as the boys mother seems to be supportive and calming and helping and giving the girl sound advice. She tells the girls to spend time with friends , read, that you can’t make somebody talk to you. That she’s sorry she struggling so much. Another week goes by the girl goes out and is with friends she’s beginning to move on. The boy begins sending random text ya then she’s up at the pool where she is one day and after she leaves he also shows up at the park she at playing with mutual friends . The boy expresses to the girl he believes the girl is making his friends not like him anymore. The girls mother asks her if she talks about him baldy to her friends . She says no. So I tell her to tell the boy I don’t talk to our fiends about you or in spite of yo7z in the meantime the mother has sent the girls mom a fb friends request. After all this happens the girls mother goes to look up the boys mother on fb to view her profile and the boys mother has already unfriended her. This all happens in the time span of two days. Is it possible the boys mother is a covert narcissist.

[@northernsegageorge6510]

I’ve had to change my phone number as she just wouldn’t go away.

[@timdurpos3298]

I refuse to even interact with them

[@jelenatanic8741]

Koji tip osobe napadaju....

[@thrivingnow7395]

Please leave any person who attacks you. It gets worse never better.

[@hez8717]

So basically if you feel bad for how you've hurt someone and feel the need to treat them better that means your a narcissist? 🤔

[@t200b-i7k]

Hoovering sucks.