The Impact of ADHD on Sex & Relationships

I've seen a lot of adult women and other people with marginalised genders being diagnosed with ADHD in the last few years, so of course I've been wondering how this impacts sex and relationships! In this video we'll be scratching the surface of this huge topic and sharing some of my Instagram followers' experience with ADHD - and if you have ADHD, please feel free to share some of your experiences with sex and relationships in the comments too!
Producer Mia: / miazipporah
ADHD After Dark: Better Sex, Better Relationships by Ari Tuckman*: uk.bookshop.org/a/689/9780367...
CHAPTERS
00:00 - Introduction
01:18 - What is ADHD?
02:10 - ADHD and gender
03:38 - ADHD and dopamine
04:08 - ADHD and relationships
06:38 - ADHD and dating
08:44 - ADHD, relationship abuse & love bombing
09:55 - ADHD and sex
13:35 - First hand ADHD experiences from Instagram
17:44 - Sex and relationships with ADHD advice
20:37 - Tips for partners
21:25 - Wrap-up
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[@LilDinoGuy]

Hannah, I want to make a correction! ADHD has nothing to do with object permanence. That’s a term a lot of people have been tying it to on TikTok, but as long as someone isn’t a baby, they have object permanence. The difference is between forgetting something is there when it’s not right in front of you and literally thinking that thing ceases to exist the moment you don’t see it. It’s just a common bit of misinformation I wanted to correct. ^^

[@treehann]

I thought the same thing. It's weird when that's brought up outside an infant context.

[@hannahwitton]

Aaah thank you!! We honestly got confused with how “object permanence“ was talked about in relation to ADHD but felt it was still important to mention even if we didn’t get it spot on so appreciate that clarification!

[@francescoleman-williams911]

That’s a really helpful clarification. Is there a good term for what happens to someone with ADHD or is it ok to say “they might forget you exist?”?

[@madeleinehoward3418]

I always describe it as out of sight out of mind!

[@LilDinoGuy]

@@francescoleman-williams911 That’s a good question! Honestly, there isn’t one that I know of, but I wouldn’t be surprised if a new word gets coined for it in the future.

[@timepatches]

as someone who is both ace and ADHD I just appreciate Hannah so much. there aren't many places on the internet I feel not only welcome but actively included, and it would be so easy not to purposely shout out things like asexuality in a sex and relationships channel. but Hannah puts in that effort! and I really appreciate it 🙏💖 (happy ace week!!)

[@miaszs]

❤

[@Tooscared2blink]

Completely agree with your thoughts here, as another person who's ace and ADHD! Also, happy ace week ♠️ to you too! I've found quite a few aces follow Hannah amd it makes me feel so seen!

[@ilostsomethingones]

Happy ace week! ♠️

[@ronjaj.addams-ramstedt1023]

ADHD should really stand for "Attention _dysregulation_ & hyperactivity disorder" (I forget where exactly I first saw this suggestion, but I would remember that it was made by a fellow autistic ADHDer). Reason: many of us (whether plain ADHD or combined with some other condition/s) naturally hyperfixate on deeply meaningful or novel & fascinating activities / information / media, and in those situations we focus too _strongly_ and too _long_ while seemingly simple tasks (especially repetitive ones) are really hard to stay focused on. So most of the time we pay either too much or too little attention, and the "Goldilocks zone" of just right attention happens pretty rarely for us, especially if we aren't able to access suitable medication(s). In my personal experience methylphenidate (Ritalin, Concerta) was an absolute gamechanger. I still hyperfocus fairly often and need something to listen to while doing chores to keep on task, but both problems are so much less intense while on meds. However, there is no medication that suits everyone, so a couple of people I know manage their ADHD with coffee or physical activity, respectively. Thank you for making this video, especially as you started with that it has been _women_ you know who have been diagnosed lately. We need all the help we can get with dispelling the myth that ADHD is solely a young white boys' condition.

[@erikjohnson6423]

Even the hyperactivity is only a factor for a small majority of ADHDers. I myself am Inattentive Type versus Hyperactive Type and there are also people who are both Inattentive AND Hyperactive Types I favor 'Overclocked Brain Syndrome' our brains are running way too hot and the mechanisms for braking do not work well, and so we struggle to keep these race car brains of ours on the metaphorical road, we're off in the mud doing donuts and forgot we were even racing 😀

[@AdaminaCarden]

My preference is "executive function disorder/ condition" because the majority of the "issues" are related to an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex and in turn the lack or underdevelopment of the executive function systems (time awareness, emotional regulation, task initiation, working memory etc)

[@92Pyromaniac]

I agree about the disregulation part but I think ADHD needs to drop the Hyperactivity term or at least clarify that it isn't required. I went 28 years without ever considering that I might have ADHD largely because I had grown up being described as 'slow' and 'distant', which seemed totally at odds with a 'hyperactivity' condition. I felt very decieved when I learned that it wasn't a fundamental characteristic.

[@eeedeee6667]

I just started medication and it’s changed my life I am so emotional about it. Can’t believe all the creativity I’ve held inside myself is able to be actualised now I can focus. Amazinf

[@Envy_May]

DDD. dopamine deficit disorder. but also like king dedede

[@tess6536]

Absolutely dopamine is the 'giddy' neurotransmitter but it's also key in concentration and motivation in a less 'giddy' way. Neurotypical people get small doses of dopamine continuously as they are doing tasks and therefore get more enjoyment out of doing tasks as opposed to neurodivergent people who have an irregular output of dopamine. Dopamine is sometimes called the 'reward hormone' because of this. I've noticed that a lot of people on social media only focus on the rush in dopamine you can get when hyperfocusing or eating your favourite foods, when that is only a small part of it. It's the lack of those small, continuous doses of dopamine that usually is the biggest problem for neurodivergent people.

[@ireallyreallyhategoogle]

Sounds like it's a problem with depression too. I've never had much motivation.

[@rooszuidema2196]

I normally don't write comments but as someone with ADHD this video hits the personal spot. I liked the balance in the video and I immediately noticed that the video was influenced by people with ADHD. I too, struggle with my sexlife every now and them and found that this video exactly described that. So big thank you to Mia for the fantastic research. Also for people that read this. You are worthy, you are unique and you are not broken! There is someone out there for you that will take the time to do research about ADHD. And even through they might never understand it totally, they will try. What I found with my boyfriend, that I definitely hit the jackpot with, is that communication is so important. Tell them what you need, they can and will help you

[@miaszs]

❤ means a lot to hear that thank you for sharing

[@eustachymotyka6379]

the problem is when they can’t help you after the communication

[@hamba1998]

I think it's great that this video had such a strong influence from people with ADHD - both Mia with the script and then the Instagram testimonials. It's important that those of us with little experience regarding ADHD get to hear those viewpoints, so thank you Hannah for including them within the video.

[@miaszs]

❤

[@speadskater]

For me, as a guy with ADHD, sex and kinks are a moving goalpost. I want new and often times my partner is often getting used to the last thing while I'm already moving onto something else.

[@alexbistagne1713]

I feel like there is a strong misnomer with the term "object permanence". The definition ADHDers use is often far from the standard psychological definition. In the psychology literature, Lacking object permanence is when babies are surprised and delighted by peekaboo. It is not remembering things. In that context, lacking object permanence is "inability to remember something exists". My personal experience with ADHD and my only comprehension of ADHD is that they struggle with "inability to RECALL something exists". If we break remembering into both recall vs recognition, they do technically lack object permanence but not to the intense sense that the former definition gives. It's much closer to losing track of memories within your brain than actually forgetting something completely.

[@ginamc5735]

Agreed.

[@hannahwitton]

Oooh love that distinction between recall and recognise. Thank you!

[@yoshooie6512]

Usually it's called working memory right?

[@frozenthirdyear]

I'm autistic (unsure if I also have ADHD in addition) and feel this in my very bones. People mock me when I tell them the reason I didn't do the dishes, for example, is that I forgot the kitchen exists.

[@tess6536]

I agree to a certain degree. Oftentimes it's issues with working memory but sometimes it is literally forgetting that an object or person exist for me.

[@eringrasse7512]

I'M SO EXCITED IN THE MOST ADHD WAY POSSIBLE! Great video, Hannah. This has been so affirming. I live at the intersection of ADHD and OCD, and, in typical ADHD fashion, I spend a lot of time feeling like I'm bad at relationships, platonic and romantic. I really appreciate how you (and Mia!) included some of the positive dimensions of ADHD because those don't get a lot of air time! I have a series of awkward icebreaker questions that I bust out in place of small talk (on dating apps, when meeting new coworkers, at grad school meet and greets, at weddings, anywhere I have to sit still for more than two minutes, really), and when people engage with them (not everyone wants to tell me what infectious disease they'd be over dinner, weirdly), it produces super fun and interesting conversations! Also, ADHD and menstrual cycles. What a time. My ADHD and OCD symptoms both get supercharged in the second half of my cycle and I basically run at 60% mental speed for 2 weeks while I wait for my period: Lots of mental energy but no motivation, increased anxiety and low-level obsessions, more fatigue, etc. As soon as I get my period, I usually feel like I've woken up from a 14-day trance. I've asked multiple doctors and therapists and psychiatrists about this because surely there must be SOMETHING out there to treat this, but the consistent response I get is, "Yeah, that sucks, but you've just got to ride it out." So cycle tracking has become very helpful in terms of helping me understand when that switch flips in my brain and the world suddenly loses its shine.

[@hannahwitton]

Wow re the menstrual cycle stuff. I really wish there was more research!! Also would love to know what your awkward ice breakers are 😅😅

[@miaszs]

thank's so much for sharing! we wanted to cover more about ADHD and menstruation but as you could see we had so much to fit in this time so could only just mention it but maybe we can do another video on this theme - perhaps neurodiveisity and menstruation!

[@eringrasse7512]

@@miaszs I WOULD BE SO DOWN FOR THAT VIDEO.

[@eringrasse7512]

@@Tooscared2blink It’s the right word, Trance Buddy! Whenever I’ve asked about birth control as a possible avenue to treat the Brain Bleach™️, I’ve also always been told that it won’t have any effect on the mental symptoms 😔 So I’m still perpetually like, “…but there must be SOMETHING to help me feel less like I’m about to jump out of my skin, right? RIGHT?”

[@eringrasse7512]

@@hannahwitton They change up a lot based on the situation, but here’s a sampling: 1. If you were an infectious disease, what would you be and why? 2. If you were a gerbil with superpowers, what would you have? 3. You’re Jesus feeding the 5000. What are you feeding them instead of loaves and fishes? 4. If you were a nail polish, what color would you be AND what would your name be? 5. Pick a department of the hospital and make either a baseball team or a band name for them.

[@beck8210]

As someone with adhd and Tourette’s this video has taken away so much of my insecurities about myself thank you so much

[@mikkey246]

How are you doing now?

[@lauraferron6602]

Could this be the start of a neurodiversity series? Please please please! I would love to see similar videos on autism, HSP, etc... There are so many of us out there!

[@nelkedoet]

Wow thank you so so much for making this. My boyfriend has ADHD and this was truly an eye-opener. Also you talk fast enough for him to stay focussed so we were able to watch together and it truly helped both of us! So thank you for everything, truly ❤

[@hannahwitton]

Oh I’m so glad!

[@ronjaj.addams-ramstedt1023]

Hey has he tried to speed up the playback on other videos? (from the menu that opens with the gear symbol) I pretty often adjust the playback so it feels optimal to me, sometimes to faster and sometimes to slower, depending on whose video it is. Adjustable playback is a great tool for many types of us neurodivergents.

[@Tooscared2blink]

@@ronjaj.addams-ramstedt1023 I was just gonna suggest switching to two times speed! The speed setting is one of the best things!

[@Emily_jayne95]

Me and my boyfriend watched this video together and just laughed at your comment (he also has adhd) 😅

[@nelkedoet]

@@ronjaj.addams-ramstedt1023 thank you so much for the tip!! He tried it and it helps 🤗

[@andreamatheson5427]

Wow. This is amazing, the more I research about adhd in women and after watching this video I am beginning to really understand why I do the things I do and feel the things I feel. Thank you for this

[@crysta1queer]

I love this video so much because it made me realize how much my ADHD has effected my dating life but also how much I worked out on my own to navigate a better dating life with ADHD without even realizing I was doing that. Like how I’ve always insisted on good communication, talking about do’s and don’t with sex before ever being intimate, over sharing early on in relationships and understanding that is my personality and if someone can’t accept that about me they aren’t the person for me, being someone who loves to plan ahead and pick really fun dates, ect ect. It makes me so happy with myself how much I helped myself work through my ADHD without even realizing that’s what I was doing in life in general. I’ve always just figured out “oh hey this way really helps me do this thing better” then applying that to my life.

[@nyjna6455]

❤liked this video a lot and learnt so many new things. would love to see more videos like this for example „OCD and sex“ „depression and sex“ „PTSD and sex“ „anorexia and sex“, etc etc etc

[@DamnItsJustSam]

Loved this video, would love a video like this about Autism and sex

[@Tooscared2blink]

Yes, this would be really good! Great idea!

[@ronjaj.addams-ramstedt1023]

Thirded!

[@RobinPalmerTV]

Autism and adhd are likely fluid expressions of the same underlying thing interestingly. It’s a pity most of the information out there is horribly dated and regurgitated about this.

[@RitaaLeci]

As a newly diagnosed, loooong time viewer, this video was a lovely surprise! Thank you so much for addressing all of this, makes me feel seen and understood :)

[@miaszs]

❤

[@hearmenow909]

Self-diagnosed?

[@martinlaplante2258]

Great video! I have "high-functionning" autism with ADD (ADHD without hyperactivity) and you nailed a lot of things on the head that I myself feel (for positives), or have learned to look out for and try to control (for negatives). There are no words to express how great it feels to hear all that and be able to say, "I'm not weird, this is totally normal in my situation!".

[@livelongandprospermary8796]

In the United States, ADD has been removed from the DSM since 1987. They just split ADHD into inattentive/impulsivity and hyperactivity. So if someone actually diagnosed you with ADD, sadly it’s not a thing. I tend to view it like multiple personalities versus dissociative identity disorder (DID) a changed which occurred in 1994.

[@quintecence]

I have ADHD and my partner doesn't. We're both very blunt with eachother and it has led to other people being uncomfortable around us and them thinking we're hostile towards eachother.

[@gabriellafogarty5037]

Holy smokes i had no idea, I’ve been fairly certain i have ADHD for a while now but this video was a wake up call. I’m going to talk to someone pronto! Thank you :)

[@miaszs]

❤

[@S10wGuY]

I've recently been diagnosed with ADHD. This video talks a lot to how I date and relate and it really helps to have things put into context.. thank you

[@elizaveta_youtube]

Thank you for picking up such a hot topic, Hannah, and thank you for amazing research, Mia! I had a very vague understanding of what ADHD is and never thought it would literally explain EVERYTHING that I thought was wrong with me until a couple of years ago. I feel heard and seen, I feel valid and accepted, I feel not lonely and not wrong because I get to live in this time of amazing free content that I can relate to. Thank you for creating such a warm and cozy space to chat about sexy stuff from each angle possible 💛

[@miaszs]

❤ so happy to hear!

[@reneewhittaker3846]

This was really interesting, thank you! My boyfriend has ADHD and I definitely noticed the hyper focus at the beginning of relationship. He really makes me feel like a very special person but it also lead to a lot of personal anxiety around “am I enough for him”. It’s a really gradual learning process to stop comparing “the amount” of love I have for him and he I . Additionally, regarding sex, he found it very hard to get used to the smells and textures that come with PAV sex (e.g., lube and vagina smell/taste). While he never made me feel bad or ashamed, an underlying anxiety I was feeling was that this was due to Misogyny. Understanding, the sensitivity to over stimulation has helped me be more understanding and less apprehensive about this.

[@miaszs]

this is really interesting thank you for sharing

[@aynilaa]

My best friend has ADHD and struggled to find a partner. Some people found it overwhelming or off putting when she overshared on their first date. And she got bored easily, so she quickly looked for someone else on Tinder. She’s in a long-term relationship now but sex is still a struggle. She doesn’t communicate her needs because she’s afraid her partner might reject her.

[@dandymcgee]

i hope i can find a partner like her some day.. sounds perfect haha. wishing you all luck!

[@stuartchapman5171]

Finding and maintaining a relationship can be difficult, and I've been brave enough to fully totally open ip on what I do and don't want. It has been a real turn off for some. It all adds to the feeling of other or alien, that we struggle with during our daily interactions with people.

[@janaepting8940]

YES. Just yes this isn’t talked about often enough. I don’t have ADHD but my partner does and it definitely has an impact on many aspects of our relationship.

[@mrssept2013]

This hits close to Autism and sex/relationships. Which are both sensory processing disorders. (I have Autism and my husband has ADHD)

[@Rachelhappyface]

Thank you so much for making this video! I finally got diagnosed with adhd earlier this year aged 31 and honestly the rejection sensitivity stuff explains basically every issue I’ve ever had in relationships, and I always feel like I’m being too much, and the text making or breaking your day is 100% me! I’m hoping now that I’m finally aware of it and working on it that my next relationship will be much healthier. ❤

[@miaszs]

❤

[@Lauren_aida]

Thanks so much for doing this! Just diagnosed at 31, and it's been like a plot twist that suddenly makes the entire story make sense. It's been really difficult because I find that often when people learn about what adhd actually is, if they don't resonate with it, they are actually very dismissive of it, so it's really validating to see it spoken about in such a matter-of-fact manner.

[@lenkajunova7419]

Also diagnosed this year (31) 🤚😅 I agree, it's a plot twist indeed 😄The hardest thing for me right now is not jumping into explaining why a particular thing happens to me and how it's related to ADHD when talking to anyone any time 😂 Like I'm glad I have name for it and know it's just something I have, it is not my fault or my character flaw or anything like that, but at the same time I don't want to use it as some sort of universal excuse for everything in my life.

[@Lauren_aida]

@@lenkajunova7419 I do the same!

[@TheMajikelOne]

Thank you for covering this topic Hannah, I hope you go more in depth with ADHD topics in future. I have ADHD and it has had so many impacts on my relationships, good and bad! Your videos both in this case and previous have helped, along with a great therapist I found. It is a difficult topic to cover, and even harder to be open about sometimes, as there is alot of shame that comes with it which needs to be broken down and cleared out. I appreciate everyone for being brave enough to come forward with comments and sending you those messages to be read out.

[@frozenthirdyear]

I'm an autistic trans man and mainly refer to myself as some combination of queer, gay and asexual because all my sexual interest lies with fictional (cis) men so far. If I do ever end up desiring a relationship with a real person (of any gender), my top concerns would be more about not getting burnt by ignorance and/or fetishization, but what Hannah has summarized here about 'object permanence' and RSD is very much spot on regarding the social troubles I have both in groups and with close friendships. Part of the reason why imagining myself in a romantic or sexual relationship feels so alien to me is that I'm used to doing whatever I want in my head with fictional favorites, where "me" is simply not part of the action (rather being the narrator and the audience rolled into one). According to my gut feeling - and admittedly I'm exaggerating this for the sake of putting it into words - mutual sexual desire between myself and a real person is a thing of fairytales. I've seen this referred to as being autochorissexual, and I like that there's a word for it! Guilty of heavily oversharing too. This comment originally had twice as much information that none of y'all have any business knowing. :V

[@Tooscared2blink]

Happy ace week, from a fellow asexual! ♠️ The ace spectrum labels are so helpful and I'm so glad you found one that fits!

[@frozenthirdyear]

@@Tooscared2blink Thank you, happy ace week to you too! 💜

[@Eleeyore]

Pausing the video half way just shout a heartfelt thaaaank yoouuuu from the metaphorical rooftops. Thank you for making this. I feel so so so seen and even s someone with adhd and quite a lot of self awareness around my own struggles related to adhd, and how that shows in my relationships, this video is so helpful and affirming. Thank you. I will come back to this many times ❤❤

[@miaszs]

❤

[@Tooscared2blink]

Definitely agree with the person about sensory issues when it comes to sex! Oh my gosh mine regularly meant that even as a sex favourable asexual, sex still sometimes freaks me right out! Prior to both the ace and ADHD realisations it caused tension and hurt feelings on both sides when I'd have 'weird' reactions to texture of things or sensations and wouldn't want to do certain acts. Or worse, when the dopamine would be gone because of it, I'd get bored and then my partner would feel like I wasn't attracted to them (I later realised the asexuality, post break up, but the romantic feelings were there!). This meant I worried I wasn't a good partner and was further anxious over future relationships aftet we broke up! Thanks for this video Hannah and Mia!

[@kasia199213]

Great timing Hannah, I'm in the process of getting diagnosed. Whether or not it ends up being ADHD, I just want to have answers and to help myself. Thanks and good luck to Mia!

[@Tooscared2blink]

Best of luck with your diagnosis process/journey! I hope you have your answers soon!

[@kasia199213]

@@Tooscared2blink thank you so much!

[@TheTechnoTiger]

I was so happy when I saw this prompt on your insta stories! In the process of getting an ADHD diagnosis and it's more and more validating the more I learn about it

[@lilyannrose]

Thank you for this video! I would love to see more videos exploring ADHD & sex. I was diagnosed finally earlier this year and having now had several months to reflect, it has become wildly apparent that many of my issues with sex have been directly related to my ADHD. I started having sex in my mid teens with my long term boyfriend and it was fine, but I found it so hard to stay in the moment and so many things like overstimulation would disrupt us. RSD was also a huge factor in me flat out refusing to do a lot of things (which was my right regardless!), a lot of them things I actually wanted to do, but I was so afraid of doing it wrong or being embarrassed that it prevented me from enjoying myself how I should’ve been able to. After we broke up, I didn’t have sex with anyone else until September of this year! That was a nearly a 5 YEAR break from sex. I definitely think forcing myself to take the time to stop and learn about myself and become more comfortable in myself, as well as learn better coping strategies was the best possible thing I could’ve done for my sex life. With my new partner, I’ve been able to engage in multiple different acts I never would’ve been able to before, but always wanted to because I have better coping strategies and better awareness. My partner has also created that safe space for me to be inexperienced without shame, finding the right person who is understanding of my ADHD has been essential to me being comfortable starting to have sex again. A huge step forward for me this week has been realising that one of the biggest distracters and anxiety producers for me is the pressure to orgasm and to do it in a timely manner, the realisation and then the decision that the next time I see my partner I’m going to ask that me orgasming not be a goal of sex (if it happens, great) is huge for me. I don’t care if I do, I just want to feel present in the moment, and that’s ok! A mildly amusing, slightly disruptive, and somewhat annoying symptom of how distracting ADHD can be with me during sex is how I feel this incessant need to just have conversations and talk a whole bunch. I imagine it’s wildly distracting for my partner because it’s never about what’s happening in the moment. It’s definitely something I’m trying to learn to minimise, or perhaps redirect to the subject at hand lol. There’s only so many times you can discuss word etymology during the middle of sex...

[@emmarubacava]

I really needed this video this week. Thank you x

[@sewvintage888]

Thank you for such an amazing video. I've been watching and loving your videos for quite sometime and this has to be one of my favourites. I love how you approach, research and speak about topics. Thank you.

[@JosieDuncanSong]

Hannah thank you so much this made me feel so seen, it was also an easy to follow vide for my ADHD as a lot aren’t - so thank you for being so concise yet exercising compassion xx

[@naturebythetamar8699]

This is absolutely fantastic. So thorough and easy to understand. Thank you!

[@imogeng1246]

Just wanted to say that this video has changed my life, I have been misdiagnosed for years until a therapist mentioned the possibility and have since tried to understand it. Watching this video was the most relatable and reassuring thing I have ever heard and is now pushing me to try and be diagnosed despite a huge mistrust of medical professionals. Thank you, truly.

[@justsomebody7702]

Omg omg omg!!! SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS!!!

[@asilallam]

thank you for touching on this!!

[@ohlookitstitobean]

I feel like this video was made for me. Thank you so much for talking about stuff like this. My partner and I both have ADHD but we experience very opposite symptoms due to a variety of factors. It's so good hearing about both sides.

[@VictoriaBick]

This made me feel so seen. I have released I have all the symptoms and I didn’t even think about the relationships and sex. Rejection sensitivity, chore frustration, not seeing things, oversharing, the focuses. I don’t usually stay with this style of video you do (more on my focus issues) but this was amazing

[@emmagifford9417]

I relate to this so much! Not been diagnosed, considering a private assessment.

[@HanaVys]

This video explains a lot of the relationship struggles throughout my life :) I always focused more on the everyday struggles of ADHD like forgetting and having too many things going on at once and never realized it could also have such a strong impact on relationships and sexuality. Very interesting and enlightening!

[@colineleroux2873]

Hannah such a magnificent timing ! Just kinda started dating a guy with adhd and your video taught me a lot ! I sent it to my partner but even though he doesnt see many of the things mentioned related to him, I did saw some glimps of it. Thank you so much for your dedicated work, amazing video as always !

[@sarahchapman6131]

Thank you for making this video! As a 27 year old that was recently diagnosed, I'm just now realizing how much ADHD affects my love life. This video helps put a lot of things into perspective! :)

[@sandram6068]

Wonderful video. You are so professional and organized explaining everything. English is my second language so it helped me a lot. Blessing

[@maikejahn9130]

I've only got diagnosed recently I'm 33y and it explained soo much about my childhood and early adult life.

[@iv0447]

This was one of the most comprehensive analysis on this subject that I've come across. I've recently subscribed and didn't know what to expect, after watching "drunk advice with Leena". I am impressed with your level of research and thought going into your content. Looking forward to seeing more. Best to you. : )

[@Enkiaswad]

Oh! I discovered that fantasising during sex helped me get there and stay focused. I feel a bit guilty that just being in the moment doesn't work somehow. I had shared this trick with my former flatmate who is diagnosed ADHD and she said it helped her as well!

[@mikkey246]

How did you master it

[@laurenschenck5355]

SO EXCITED!!! 🍂🍂🍃🍃🍃🎃🎃👻👻🍁🍁👻👻👻🍃🍃🍃🍂🍂🍃🍃🍃🍃🍂🍂🎃🍁👻👻🍁🍁👻👻🍃🍃🍃🍃🍂🍂🍂🍁🎃🎃🎃🍁🍃🍁👻👻👻🍁📚🍃🍃🎃🍁👻🍃🍃🍃🎃🍁🎃🎃🎃🍁

[@HenrikBergpianorganist]

There's just SO much here that I can relate to! A new world is opening up to me. But without getting into the juicy details of my bedroom, something from when I used to date: it happened countless times that I skipped small talk and instead dove straight into deep talk with people, creating an illusion of me being really invested in this other person, only to lose interest pretty soon, causing a broken heart. Never connected that to ADHD...

[@ItsObivonneKenobi]

I'm a 36 year old female that just got diagnosed last week. I started medication today. All I can think of is how much easier my life would have been if I had a diagnosis sooner.

[@daniellamoreno3616]

Yes….

[@caitlin7311]

This is a great video! As a women with ADHD and ace I appreciate the fact that you talk about both on your channel. ❤

[@ss_apobangpo]

huh. i relate to a lot of things you're listing. unfortunately I can't look into professional help or advice but this video has helped me a lot. thank you hannah. this is the second time watching it but i feel like i need to watch it

[@helenae5252]

Can't wait to watch this!

[@moquit0_]

every point in this video i resonated with. i feel so seen! i am currently going through a break up and this information was very validating and useful in my journey towards forgiving and accepting myself. thank you hannah! my spooky heart is full 🎃🖤

[@laurenschenck5355]

Thank you so much for talking sharing about this topic Hannah! 🍁🍃🎃🎃🍁👻👻🍃🍁🎃🍂🍂🎃🎃🎃🍃🍁👻🍁🍃🎃🍃🍁👻🍁🎃🎃🍃🍁🍁🎃🍂🍂🎃🎃🍃🍃🍁👻👻🍁🍃🎃🍃👻🎃🎃🍂🎃🍃🍁👻👻🍁🎃🎃🍂🎃🍃🍁👻👻👻🍁

[@allyy3348]

This was an amazing video! Thank you!

[@REKEOJ]

The comments really spoke to me. Particularly the one about sometimes needing to fantasize because my brain distraction is on overdrive

[@phoebemills7932]

I love you for making this video. Thank you xx

[@longtallaisling]

Thank you - I loved this video! Think I might share it with prospective love interests going forward.

[@blubistheword]

I didn't know I needed that.💙 Somehow I never really thought about this topic so I never considered that some of the problems I've been having with my relationships (both platonic and romantic) might stem from my ADHD. I know, for instance, that I've hurt quite a lot of people because I forgot important dates or because of how difficult I find it to stay in contact w people (even people I care about an awful lot). Obviously, that doesn't mean I shouldn't try to do better, but it's validating to hear others struggling w similar issues. Plus, it gives me a handhold for explaining certain problems to friends and partners in the future.

[@michaelvandenheuvel317]

Thank you so much for the words of wisdom and reassurance.

[@erikjohnson6423]

Noo!!!! Not object permanence. Object permanence is a thing we track as a developmental milestone in puppies and babies. It's when they have the realization that "I can't see it anymore" does not mean "it no longer exists". Adult ADHDers don't lack 'object permanence' we don't think you cannot see us if we close our eyes. We struggle with *working memory* and so even though we JUST saw a thing and said, "Oh, need to remember where that is" and assigned it to a slot in our working memory, our ADHD brain will come along and just overwrite that slot in moments and when we turn around we cannot remember WHERE we saw that thing, and now we're not even sure if we did. Interestingly our long-term memory tend to be better and more reliable than those w/out ADHD or Autism, but that working memory thing is a killer. The biggest killer though is executive dysfunction... oof! Please do not contribute to the infantilization of adults w/ ADHD. We are already coping w/ enough w/out people spreading FUD about us like the notion we have the cognitive abilities of a 6-month old baby. Emma Watson has ADHD for goodness sakes. All that said, thanks Hannah for tackling this topic! We definitely need the public to be more aware of the types of challenges ADHDers face in relationships. We get written off as inconsiderate jerks when really we're trying so hard to show how much we care and how hard we're working at being attentive. A little understanding can go a long way. Also glad you brought up RSD, and the people pleasing and invitation to abusers it produces.

[@el_2904]

Thank you so much for covering this topic Hannah!! ADHD makes dating really hard for me, I get bored so easily and find it hard to maintain interest on dating apps before I’ve met the person. I’d love to see a similar video on autism and relationships (with a focus on autistic women, who similarly to women with ADHD have only just started getting diagnosed now we’re older) ❤

[@RachelAnn]

Love that you're covering this! Thanks Mia for all the research. Would definitely love to see more or the stuff you mentioned at the end of the video. Effect of meds and bc on symptoms and sex drive?

[@lissioida]

Thank you so much for this video ❤

[@ss_apobangpo]

huh. i relate to a lot of things you're listing. this made me think about a lot of things unfortunately I can't look into professional help or advice but this video has helped me a lot. thank you hannah. this is the second time watching it cuz its a lot to digest for me. i just know im gonna come back to this video again a couple more times.

[@92Pyromaniac]

What an amazing script!!! You really nailed so many important points here and explained everything so concisely but also accurately! The part about people with adhd who are working on themselves being very self-aware and good communicators felt very validating because I have noticed this a lot in myself and partners. I was about to comment on the 'object permanence' being a bit of a misnomer but I see others have already done that. It's a useful term because forgetting to stay in contact with friends and family is a very common experience of people with ADHD, but it definitely doesn't mean we literally can't conceptualise that those people still exist! It's just another executive function difficulty. On my part, I find that I usually do hyperfocus on sex (thin walls and squeaky beds aside!) and it can be incredibly fulfiling and a really powerful way to connect with a partner emotionally. I find polyamory seems to work better for me than traditional monogamous relationships and in my experience there is a lot of adhd in the poly community (also in the kink community!). It's also worth noting that neurodivergent people (even when undiagnosed) often tend to attract each other, so the chances of both partners in a relationship having adhd are much higher than simple probability would suggest. This can be very beneficial (mutual empathy and understanding), but can also increase the chances of becoming co-dependant. That's something I try to be watchful of nowadays. It's fairly common for adhd-specific channels not to delve too much into sexual topics because they also want to remain suitable for younger viewers, so there's not as much content like this as there could be. I'd really love to see you put out more videos like this one! Particularly, content focussed on the experiences of women is really important for the reasons you gave. An overwhelming number of women in my life are considering or pursuing diagnosis as a result of increased visibility in recent years and it's really important that we overcome the old stereotypes of adhd so more people can recognise and get help with their difficulties. (This isn't something that exclusively benefits women either - I didn't discover my own adhd until about a year ago because I also mask heavily and don't present with the hyperactive component). Err, yeah.. long youtube comments are also kind of an adhd thing! Thanks for putting out such a great video and brightening my morning! I'm off to send this to some people!

[@ameliahenderson7981]

Thank you for actually consulting ADHD people when researching this, you can tell!

[@MsSisisino]

Thank youuuu for this 🙏 ❤

[@kristianbrown3780]

This was incredibly insightful. I found myself nodding and agreeing to lots of the traits

[@Xxbubbly10]

Omg so happy you made this I’ve been thinking I have adhd for awhile

[@RobinPalmerTV]

Useful to remember that when you find one neuro divergency you almost always find others. Most people with adhd are likely also autistic and probably hyper mobile too and ergo experience chronic pain and or fatigue.

[@ronjaj.addams-ramstedt1023]

There already is some peer-reviewed research regarding autism and Ehlers-Danlos syndrome: basically if an Ehlers-Danlos patient gives birth, the likelihood for the kid to be autistic is almost exactly the same as with an autistic birth parent. Personally, I was hypermobile when young, now after menopause my ligaments are becoming increasingly fragile. I am autistic with ADHD, my firstborn has Ehlers-Danlos hypermobile type and is autistic with ADD traits, and my younger kid is bendy and has ADHD. My mom was very bendy when young and would have been diagnosed "Aspergers" (as it was called before) if anyone back then had believed that women could be just as neurodivergent as men. I'll do my best to dig up the details of that research. Please remind me if I haven't been back in 48 hours!

[@RobinPalmerTV]

@@ronjaj.addams-ramstedt1023 Yep! It’s my area of expertise.

[@VideoBeertje]

Great video topic! I recently did a psychology paper on this subject. I would love to see a video like this one about Autism / ASD, especially because many people with ADHD also have Autism / ASD.

[@nicolescottwv]

Kudos to you and your team for tackling these more research intensive topics while part time! Your viewers are noticing :)

[@hannahwitton]

🥹🥹

[@Miichi.l]

This video made me learn so much about me and my behaviors. I didn't realize I had very prominent ADHD habits (I haven't been diagnosed but everything named in this video just proved it to me lol). Its pretty hard to deal with especially with friends because I moved and staying in contact with friends is difficult and felt like im not doing enough. That and im disappointing them so much. I questioned myself a lot as to why I forget things- especially important things or im always not there in conversations and so much more. Thank you for making this video, its definitely helped me understand more about my self

[@syenite]

My ex had adhd. At the time, I was diagnosed with c-ptsd (since we broke up, the diagnosis was corrected to DID, which is like c-ptsd but times twelve). He had *extreme* rsd, and if I looked at my phone weird because I read a sad news article he would immediately assume I hated him and I was secretly texting my friends how much I hated him and divulging to my friends all of his flaws. And then that would lead into him creating conflict to get his dopamine fix and would just escalate and escalate until he was calling me names. We went to therapy, and the therapist said I needed to, essentially, walk on eggshells to accommodate his ADHD. I needed to get better at always speaking in a calm, neutral, slow tone even if I was talking about an upsetting thing at work. I was told by him and the therapist that I needed to get a thicker skin because he needed to yell at me and call me names to get his dopamine fix. All of these behaviors he was doing were because of adhd and I couldn't be hurt by them. But if I was triggered and not in the mood for sexual intimacy because of my c-ptsd (from CSA), then I was not doing the responsible thing and managing my ptsd and punishing him. It was truly awful. I can't imagine how hard it is to have adhd, but I see very little content about how a person w ADHD can sabotage relationships. Just content on how the non-adhd partner has to stop being a person. I decided to leave him, and was called ableist and told I hate neurodivergent people... Because I didn't like being called names. I was "tone policing" and my husband "couldn't help it" because of his ADHD. But I wasn't allowed to say no to intercourse because that was "weaponizing" my ptsd (FROM CHILDHOOD S*XUAL ASSAULT) against him and denying him dopamine. I was told this by him and the "adhd expert" couples therapist. I understand it must be hard but my sympathy just ran out w my ex. There needs to be more talk about *accountability*. A mental illness can *explain* bad behaviors but it CANNOT EXCUSE IT. And that's what my ex did. He tried to excuse name calling, demeaning, verbal aggression, and not respecting my boundaries, as adhd/rsd. But no one wants to talk about that. And I get having a stigmatized disorder. I have the disorder people believe all serial killers have. But that doesn't mean problematic behaviors can't be addressed.

[@manicantsettleonausername6789]

Such an important and helpful video! Also important to note that ADHD is very often comorbid with Autism and that the combination can impact all of the things discussed in the video!

[@genni7786]

This was great. I have known I have ADHD for quite a while but I just learned some new things about why I do the things I do!

[@meliaelentari]

I'm 37, I was diagnosed ADHD a few weeks ago so this is well timed!

[@mikahburkhart5270]

Thank you for this video Hannah. It’s definitely making me realize that some of the things I feel during sex and in my relationship are normal and I’m going to seek a diagnosis ❤

[@miaszs]

❤thank you for sharing and that's great to hear it's been useful!

[@futhark3]

I have ADHD and my partner has other mental health issues that can easily clash. I definitely realte to a lot of what you mention in the video, but most of these, and especially the ones that cause the most frustration in everyday life, we have or are dealing with, WITH COMMUNICATION. I really like that you ended with that because it really is key.

[@samklecker8280]

Thank you so much for this video, Hannah. I really thought I was just a bad person who couldn't be happy in my marriage. This has been so eye-opening, I never thought about how my ADHD could be affecting my sex drive. Thank you!!!

[@skylarsa]

My boyfriend has ADHD and I do not, and a lot of these points have been clear in our relationship. We have really good communication, and I learn how to navigate some of these issues, but this video was really helpful understanding his viewpoint more, so thank you!

[@datheamore6395]

Listening to this just confirms my suspicions that I have ADHD and should get reevaluated as an adult.

[@emmelineellen]

This was very interesting. I have only just been diagnosed about 6 weeks ago so I am learning all about how it impacts my day to day life. A lot of these issues you mentioned ring very true for me when it comes to dating. I also weirdly got a dopamine hit even from the sound effect of the phone vibrating you put in when you talked about getting dopamine hits from notifications looool

[@catvalentine4317]

This explains about every relationship issue I've ever had! :o

[@FireDancingKira]

Wow I've been WAITING for content like this since I got diagnosed almost 3 years ago. I had a lot of difficulties maintaining interest with my long term partner and got to a point where I thought I was too traumatized to have a healthy sexual relationship anymore. Turns out I just get bored with sexual ruts and my brain would wander and trigger itself

[@yasminamagdy8443]

I think this was such a great topic! I don’t know whether it’s any different but I know that from being autistic a sexual relationship with my partner is very different too.

[@melodybales2038]

Bypassing small talk and going straight off the deep end is my JAM. yes. I feel really lucky that I got diagnosed as a child. I think it still took a long time to personally recognize the severity and frequency of my challenges, but I'm glad I had a direction to push into for self exploration.

[@jamestrentham8576]

Hi Melody, thanks for sharing. I was diagnosed 3 years ago but I'm only now addressing these sexual elements for the first time. For me going in off the deep end is the best for these topics and it's for the betterment of my marriage and life. Interested in sharing ideas, experiences etc? Genuine, confidential, honest, no pressure at all etc. James :)

[@SubvorticeSystem]

I feel so seen. Thank you. I'll be watching this with my therapist. I shared it with my partner.

[@reneekoopman4964]

Hi Hannah, Love this video! Are you also planning to tackle other neurodiversity situations in videos such as ADD, Autism, Depression and others? Would love videos on that. As a kid i was diagnosed with ADD in early 2000s and now recently als been diagnosed with autism and would love to learn how this can impact my future relationships.

[@LyraSullyvan]

I feel like getting off the pill changed a lot of things in regards to my (self-diagnosed) ADHD. It's as if a lot of things were turned down to a much lower level, while on the pill and then everything came back in full when I stopped, after a few weeks/months (emotions, sex drive, ...)

[@piarateking8094]

i've heard oestrogen has an impact on dopamine so that might be why

[@melaniemansilla1645]

I am pretty late to the video, and I feel related to many of the things that you say, but I broke a little when you said "you are not broken". For a very long time, I felt weird when having intercouse with my partner, bc I got so overwhelmed and couldn't do it, and my ex partner said to me like "you just need to relax" and I could not express how I felt. Somehow, I manage to explain to my current partner that sexy time could be very overwhelming to me, and he totally understand It and respects my time. Communication has been extremely important and being aware that I am not the problem. Thank you for your words Hannah

[@lauren-gx1lg]

My boyfriend and I both have ADHD. It mostly works out for us. I like having a plan and knowing what we’re doing in any given situation but am absolutely horrible when it comes to physically organizing my space. My boyfriend is awesome at physical organization but hates planning. So we help where the other person needs it. And yeah, both people hyper focusing during sex is a 10/10 experience.

[@treehann]

My partner and I both have ADHD (I think she does at least) but she's hypo where I'm hyper, and it kinda makes me feel insane >_>

[@megs2000]

woah did i write this?😂😂 so true! we like to do 'spontaneous scheduling' where we decide earlier in the day we're gonna have sexy time bc having just a few hours to get excited is perfect

[@lauren-gx1lg]

@@treehann I feel that so much lol, the times when I’m overstimulated and he’s under-stimulated or vice versa are rough. We’ve been getting better at taking little breaks in the day to address our needs. But, on the plus side, when our moods line up, it’s a lot of fun!

[@lauren-gx1lg]

@@megs2000 yeah!! spontaneous scheduling is fun and pretty useful. Currently he and I live with our parents so we have to loosely schedule around who’s home when. It’s fun to be like “looking forward to this weekend 👀” and build up anticipation that way!

[@meganlampa3293]

Yes! My new husband and I both have ADHD (I have been diagnosed, he hasn't). Really appreciate this!