Is it OK to Masturbate in a Relationship?

[@stagetopage]

I love how completely non-judgemental this video is.

[@jean040465]

That's our Hannah ❤

[@SaintPhoenixx]

I think it's the same as not eating together. You normally want to have dinner together but it doesn't always happen. 'Well, you were at work so...' Though if it was excessive and it was affecting the relationship, then it's an issue.

[@thenopedetective]

Great analogy! Not making light of either, but food related disorders do exist (ex. Binging) where it could start to impact the relationship.

[@Dee-jq2ob]

@@Dk-uo6dvI personally think so and several sex therapist have said the same (talking about a healthy relationships)

[@IzzyTheInsane97]

​@@Dk-uo6dvwhat if she thinks about another guy during sex with her partner?

[@placeadrien5566]

@@Dk-uo6dv If you're not her, how would you ever know ?

[@zaitaancuta3844]

Great response !!!

[@sampriceandeverythingnice]

In my opinion, considering masturbation cheating is controlling and abusive. Our bodies belong to us, PERIOD.

[@UnhelpfulFaerie]

Yeah, that really confuses me. How is it cheating to touch your own body? Is bathing cheating? Changing clothes? Grooming? Checking for lumps or injuries? Is looking at yourself naked cheating? It makes zero sense.

[@JezMM]

I think the majority of people who think this are working with the narrow assumption that all masturbation is done with the use of porn. It's not the touching yourself, it's the "finding people attractive other than your partner in any context, especially having a wank about it" that they consider cheating. Though combining that with a general assumption that masturbation is immoral or shameful somehow by default and it probably exaggerates it further. Those things are understandable as artifacts of a monogamy-focused culture and religious teachings etc, though "understandable" or not, I would consider "we aren't allow to express any physical attraction to other people in any way ever" an extreme condition to set in a relationship, and such hang-ups can only be beneficial to unlearn. Naturally there's a sliding scale and nuance to these situations though, much like Hannah's example of getting off to OnlyFans content and directly interacting with the performer possibly being different levels of comfort for people.

[@LowSlungBadBitch]

​@@JezMM then the issue would be watching porn, but you'd be surprised.

[@Ambearina]

​@@JezMMmeh. I think it's a perfectly reasonable boundary to not want your partner to watch porn. Maybe extreme to some and necessary to others. But if you don't like it, you aren't compatible and just don't date them

[@JezMM]

@@Ambearina No disagreement, there are a million different reasons to not approve of porn and many varieties of porn to be okay/not okay with on top of that - within the bounds of individual relationships it isn't controlling to simply have a discussion about what does and doesn't make each individual uncomfortable. It is a shame though that the taboo nature of porn within our society has made it a particularly volatile subject - like, it almost seems a bit strange, the idea of ending an entire relationship, especially an otherwise amicable one - over one sticking point like porn consumption (or alternatively not ending the relationship but tainting it with negative feelings - either shame for the porn user or other person just having to "deal with it"). And the taboo nature again means that these things are often rarely comfortable being discussed until well into a relationship. But there isn't any catch-all or perfect solution to that dilemma, it really depends on the individual variables of the people involved, the type of porn, the way it's used, all sorts.

[@shamroc34]

One of the issues is if the house is full and you can only find limited time and space to take care of yourself. This can train you for speed over all else.

[@madaryakar8186]

Some veteran level knowledge right there

[@CircleThinker]

Man this is something I struggggleddd with during the pandemic lockdowns. Me and my partner both know the other one wanks but we also mostly do it while the other person is out because it's just easier I think. For the 2+ years we were always in the house together we both got a bit weird about it because I think we felt like it was somehow betraying the other person or that if we were horny we "should" invite the other partner or some weirdness. We have had some half convos about it and sort of made it work, but definitely should probably have an actual grown up convo about it at some point!

[@salamanda11]

I really can’t relate to the idea masturbation is NOT okay in a relationship. I genuinely don’t understand. You don’t have to always want partnered sex, and you shouldn’t be expected to abstain when your partner isn’t around!

[@AnniCarlsson]

And the thouth for me how can I cheat on someone with myself doing something with myself?

[@ArtGuitarLTX]

When your “partner” never wants to have sex after some time.. doesn’t make any effort to make it work…. then what? 😂 Give me a break. 👎👎👎👎👎

[@salamanda11]

@@ArtGuitarLTX Then you talk about it like adults and try to come to a solution.

[@anthill1510]

The idea that I would be the only possibility for my partner to satisfy himself is a nightmare vision. I mean it basically makes me into a f doll. Even if he doesn`t wanna see me like that, I am his only way to get off. It`s a scary idea and it will definitely lead to coercion, because when you say no you really force him to go without anything. I love having sex, but that`s because I only do it when I want to and under the circumstances I want to. I also like masturbation and value that my sexuality is MINE. I share with my partner what I want to, but there is also a lot that just belongs to me. I would have solo sex even if my partner would be available all the time, because that`s just part of me being a person who exists seperate to others.

[@ThaKenMan]

This video reminds me why I married my wife. Going through a mental check list during this video and we’re like 90% compatible.The 10% is where masturbation came in. Loved this video so informative and judgement free.

[@kbanghart]

Ok?? It's more than ok!! I find it super hot when my partner plays around and I can watch.

[@angiepie111]

Fantastic video Hannah! I’m seriously uncomfortable discussing or knowing about masturbation/porn in relationships (despite us both doing it and despite having a great and spicy sex life). It’s a very interesting topic.

[@Chareads]

I have two sets of married friends and none of them have masturbated since they got into their relationships. I would hate the idea that my partner's pleasure is solely reliant on me! The pressure 😰

[@kbanghart]

That's weird. My wife and I have been married for 25 years, and we always masturbate together and separately.

[@trappedcat3615]

I'm guessing they are either newly weds or married for only a few years.

[@somthingbrutal]

not according to an old friend of mine. he accused his girlfriend of cheating because she had a vibrator, i think he was a bit surprised that no one else thought so lol

[@DanielleWhite]

I love this. Sex drive and masturbation was an the major conflict in my first marriage, ultimately unresolvable because my ex refused to move from the position of "I am hurt by this issue and there is nothing wrong with how and when I want sex therefore you are wrong and this issue is exclusively your fault." Further she had a drawer full of sex toys that she used regularly whenever she wanted sex and I didn't or was not home, etc., but viewed me doing so as "insulting" and "by doing so you're saying that I'm not good enough for you." In the early years I had a far higher libido, at least two times per day. My ex rarely wanted sex, perhaps saying yes a couple times per month. After i finally got on HRT (I'm a trans woman; was out before we met but gatekeeping BS meant it took over a decade to get HRT access) and my sex drive vanished. I was relieved for multiple reasons, not the least of which was the end of fights over something I could not control. Unfortunately, the good times soon came to an end. My ex realized that she now wanted sex more than I did but was not okay with asking for it, and particularly bad about handling being told "no" when I did not want to, so the fights resumed. This got even worse after I had vaginoplasty because I was only able to orgasm with toys (specifically with a Magic Wand on higher settings) and the issue over me masturbating persusted. That was not the only reason but was certainly a major factor in why that divorce was a very good thing for me!

[@soilgrasswaterair]

That’s domestic violence. Thankfully that is not a current relationship you deserved better than that and it wasn’t your fault❤

[@TheUltimateToad]

Yes. If the partner can't meet the sexual needs of the other then it's their only other outlet. Sexual compatibility mismatch is one of the downfall of many relationships. I couldn't be with someone who said it wasnt allowed yet did not provide the outlet.

[@HannahAndersen]

"Masturbation is not the problem, people. It is the answer" i want that on a shirt 😂

[@katiealessandra]

Oh my goodness the question prompts were SO HELPFUL - it made me realise why I crave sex so much with my partner (a desire for connection and physical touch) so I can actually suggest ways other to have those needs met!!

[@alexrowson-brown6568]

The sleep thing 100% but also the big horn, I think it’s really hot to catch the other and it’s like exciting and what not but at the same time don’t wanna intrude where one may be unwelcome

[@IshtarNike]

I don't want to be judgy but I can't help but feel that resenting any masturbation in a relationship is pathological and kind of hints at wider issues. Purity ideas or possession of a partner. I can kiiind of understand discomfort with porn, but barring the ethical arguments, it's still normally an issue of possession and feeling betrayed your partner gets off watching someone else even though it's purely physical (assuming they're not actually using live chat).

[@aellalee4767]

I don't discuss what I read if it's online written stuff, or what I watch. But I do share with friends what I listen to and what I read from books, suggestions are welcome so sometimes we share resources! I'd definitely share the same information with a partner. Definitely need a code or something, because I'd still feel guilty being walked in on I think. Love that ingrained guilt. At least that's the only time it happens.

[@BlahBlieBlubb]

Amazing video as always :D

[@justsomebody7702]

Thank you so much for this video!! I am quite insecure about my partner looking at sexual sexy insta models, but i also really think his sex life should be his own. So I think the focus on privacy and respecting that is a good note

[@magpiesrcute7248]

I was so excited for this video and it did not dissapoint! Will definitely be one I come back to watch again. Very interesting food for thought.

[@cariiinen]

*drum rolls...* "talk about it!" (Is pretty much always good advice)

[@someguyfromtheinternet5158]

Sometimes you just wanna go for it quickly and go for a nap.

[@clara.valeria4701]

Just as a note on porn. While not being an inherently bad thing - duh - there are conversations about it having an addictive potential and then it can be quite harmful. It would be really cool to include this perspective in the conversation more ❤

[@jgirl345]

Of course its ok, its natural

[@emmaehrm7662]

100% preach sis 💯😊💚

[@bubba283]

I like it while looking at other guys on computer when my gf isn't around. She knows I'm into guys , but I wont do it around her

[@unicarrot7757]

As a person who has suffered sexual assault while asleep I definitely don't want to wake up to someone masturbating next to me. I have nothing against my partner masturbating, but waking up to it I felt violated. So I'd recommend getting to know if your specific partner is fine with that.

[@thenopedetective]

Yes! While I was never assaulted while sleeping (very sorry you experienced that, I hope you're able to sleep ok now), something about being present to my partner masturbating beside me without getting my consent feels really gross. All for masturbation, but either with me or in a different room.

[@alexkaapa]

"is it ok to portray masturbation in the relationship as potentially problematic?" is what i would like to ask. i don't get it, when it comes to relationships, people seem to think they have some magical control over other people. it's really quite disturbing. all this is not going to age will.

[@Kapplerartbloomingdale]

Sex is frustrating. However, curiosity looking. It is normal. It’s physical chemistry. It is self soothing. However, balance and boundaries. Healthy need and wants. It is want for romance and equal investment. Thanks for sharing.

[@sarawelling5271]

Even though I am in a relationship, I retain agency over my body and choices. To me, of course masturbation is OK in a relationship.

[@cariiinen]

Love the viewers stories

[@katybechnikova2821]

As an asexual person: Partnered sex fulfills exactly 0 (zero) of my sexual needs (hence the identity, at least partially). Yay.

[@DaSuTro]

This fellow ace agrees.

[@0flying0unicorn0]

also agree, but i still like to orgasm haha so i do it myself to scratch an itch that sex doesnt scratch for me

[@katybechnikova2821]

@@0flying0unicorn0 Exactly same. There are two people that ever fulfilled my sexual needs and they both live on AO3. :D

[@ArtGuitarLTX]

Good thing I’m a normal sexual person 😂. 👍🇺🇸

[@katybechnikova2821]

@@ArtGuitarLTX What is normal?

[@steveleeart]

My ex walked in on me browsing pornography when we were on vacation once. She said oh gross and went back into the bedroom. Our relationship was looped already though. Before our trip I found out she’d been cheated for years. I said I wanted to work things out tho. We talked about getting help but didn’t. The trip should have had us connect more but didn’t. She knew people there and I actually suspected she was interested in one guy. Our last trip she had hooked up with someone. Bleh. 🥺

[@silentassassin47]

I'm sorry buddy 😔

[@silentassassin47]

stay THE HELL AWAY from her

[@truck1ooo]

Yes....next question🙁

[@DrPsychlops]

EXCELLENT video!

[@julienconstantineau3592]

Would be funny if in one of Hannah’s video, she was like « it’s absolutely weird and not normal, you are not a normal person »

[@RisaaLitchi]

Ok i need to know y'all's codes to let your partner/roommates know you want alone time!!!!! Definitely need to make this a thing in my household!

[@milaesirust8960]

in what way can solo sex alleviate feelings of gender dysphoria? am curious about the relationship between sexual activity and gender... :)

[@infernoimp]

Hannah, have you ever heard of anhedonia? I've been having a real issue with it and wondered if you had heard of it along your journey? Basically just numb feelings/unable to feel pleasure, including during sex. Solo or otherwise.

[@mschrisfrank2420]

I’ve experienced anhedonia as a symptom of depression (it’s very common symptom). Mindfulness and curiosity helped me to able to overcome the numbness, though pleasure didn’t really return until the depression got better.

[@pixxie__]

Genuine question, is it normal that I don’t enjoy masturbation and very rarely do it? I’ve heard a lot about ppl masturbating whether they’re in a relationship or not. I’m single and don’t do it, so i have no sex life but I’m not phased by it. Should that be concerning?

[@Sophie_Cleverly]

I think with most things in life, if you feel ok about it then it's ok 😆 I would say it's only if it's causing any distress that it would be an issue. Personally I had no desire to and didn't find it did much for years, but eventually discovered my body is so extremely specific that only one thing actually works on me so that's why I was never bothered before 🙈😅

[@pixxie__]

@@Sophie_Cleverly oh it works for me like I can orgasm., I just don’t get the desire to

[@Kristian179]

on the subject of Masterbation, why not introduce your partner to mutual masterbation?

[@ArtGuitarLTX]

Just do what you want.

[@danielsykes7558]

5:05 do you have *any* sex-negative videos? I have trouble relating to sex positivity in this part of my life Edit: for the record, I've been subscribed a long time, so it's clear I appreciate this channel.

[@goodguy2627]

"I"s it OK to Masturbate in a Relationship?" What a question and a headline!!! Oh no lady, it's not OK. Your partner will punish you, divorce you and send you to jail if you do that. 😂😂😂

[@adrian-vm7yb]

i am married my wife is going though mampluse so she sometimes does for me but when my wife is out i am lone at home i miss so much i hope will come back one day

[@jess1033919]

I have struggled with my feelings around porn and masturbation for pretty well my whole adult life. It made me feel unwanted and unattractive for a long time, which caused my partner to lie about it. It’s caused issues with performance and desire in my partner when it’s being used too heavily and it’s also affected my desire for him when I wasn’t “his first choice”. I’m not sure it’ll ever be something I feel at peace with. Now it’s more annoyance that I’m stuck with the baby and he can sneak off whenever but I can’t.

[@pera.j.andersson]

"stuck with the baby" doesn't seem like a healthy situation. Parents have to share parenting. To be able to be more than just parents.

[@jess1033919]

@@pera.j.andersson well I can’t really leave the baby by himself to go masturbate.

[@JacobWillumsen]

Does'nt baby sleep ?

[@izakshuvo8434]

Apparently Dan isn't always asleep. 😅 ♥

[@ajs41]

I'd be amazed if there are any men who don't do it regardless of whether they're in a relationship or not.

[@stagetopage]

I hope this doesn't come across as rude, but just because this is the case for you and men you know, it doesn't mean it's the case for everyone. Asexuality exists, along with many other reasons why someone with a penis wouldn't want to masturbate.

[@adrian-vm7yb]

can i use baby oill

[@callamastia]

who doesn’t lol

[@bubba283]

I do, it's just tough hiding it

[@denisejones1863]

I think it can be made part of your sexual relationship. I always felt some pregame attention by myself😉 makes me more ready for the main event.

[@BaldemarVela]

8:35

[@harrisondenton2621]

Ive never felt comfortable talking dirty with my ex's maybe this is why it hasn't worked out yet lol.

[@GirliestMammy]

💖

[@rosenberg6060]

My body my choice.

[@deja3963]

All I can think about is the sneeze fetish. Having a cold must be awkward lol

[@peachydoodles]

Where youre each *coming* from, eh?

[@asliyase]

I’ve loved/I love your channels/content for years BUT I had a negative bodily reaction to this vid title. I love the vid itself but the title seems to increase the focus on & perpetuate the discussion on the idea of limiting/controling solo sex of a partner which I don’t love :/

[@alexandrucalitescu5822]

Well it's a discussion that needs to be had. Partners who are like this, limiting/controlling need to understand why it's healthy to masturbate

[@D5_2110]

My issue is that I watch pornography everyday and masterbate multiple times a day and sometimes it's hard to well finish and it makes me nervous because when I eventually have sex for the first time I'm scared that I will not be able to perform any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[@Joseph-jw3he]

I’d help you

[@calsannepotgieter4200]

I've never given it much thought lol. I don't masturbate myself outside of partnered sex. But I've never given any thought to what my partner does. It never occured to me to be upset about their porn consumption or what they masterbate to. I just took it for granted that my partners masturbate. And forgot about it. Because its not a big part of my personal sex life I never really even considered it needed discussing.

[@Rose22479]

Sexual “needs”, or “wants”?

[@strydyrhellzrydyr1345]

See... I wouldnt be with someonw if they didnt like certain things i like during sex.. And vice versa

[@goingup6098]

How do couples masturbate with a baby in the house? Wouldn’t that wake the baby? Not trying to be nosy, just very curious. I also thought fetishes just had to do with articles of clothing. I wonder how people handle their fetishes, such as sneezing, when in public and feeling aroused. Thanks so much for this channel!

[@jess1033919]

Do you scream out every time you have an orgasm while masturbating? How would it wake the baby?

[@NotLink182]

If I didn’t masturbate, I’d have no sex life. Marriage changes nothing…

[@JacobWillumsen]

Same

[@emmabarnes609]

idk

[@Joseph-jw3he]

You are so beautiful

[@darth3pio]

14:43 Oo, I know this one... they're coming from the genital region...

[@JacobWillumsen]

If it is not allowed for him to watch porn, then it is also not allowed for her to watch / read romantic films / novels.

[@strydyrhellzrydyr1345]

Wbo are you talking to... Men or women.. You just said.. to relieve cramps... And menstruation..

[@wanya_telborn]

Of course it’s ok good lord 😏😏😏😏😏🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 Are you struggling for content

[@tamarastiles9265]

Wow this is rude. This is a very valid topic that a lot of people are uncomfortable talking about. Glad you seem to have it figured out but I'm sure there's a lot of other viewers that appreciate this content.

[@jess1033919]

I’ve struggled with my feelings around porn and masturbation for my whole adult life. Between feelings of jealousy, discomfort with the act and creating issues in my relationship, so it’s nice to see her talk about it.

[@diltberg9627]

I'm sorry but I'm more traditional and I believe when you are married your spouse is obligated to give you sex when you want it

[@rosepetal34]

No that’s awful / verging on advocating rape, if someone does not want to have sex that should be respected married or not

[@pera.j.andersson]

This is toxic and plain unlawful. Don't do it. People have a right not to be coerced into pleasing others at their whim.

[@wisdomplaysbtd6144]

Polyamory is nothing but an excuse to cheat on your partner

[@hannahwitton]

It really isn’t.

[@wisdomplaysbtd6144]

@@hannahwitton definitely is

[@michellebailey5958]

@@wisdomplaysbtd6144cheating is when you cross a boundary and violate the terms of your relationship. If the terms are that you can be sexual with or date other people, then you have not crossed a boundary and not cheated. Even poly couples have boundaries. Every couple should be setting their own boundaries whether poly or monogamous

[@pera.j.andersson]

Every relationship thrives with setting boundaries that work for their unique relationship. Will be different for different relationships. Communication and honesty is key.

[@meeganerose98]

Hannah, you are magic! Amazing 🤍

[@Maadhawk]

In my opinion, masturbation should be handled like any other kink/fetish. It should be discussed and rules established when everything sex is also being discussed. At the end of the day, a relationship is a partnership. All partners are going to have things they are ok with and not ok with. Unless a common ground can be found and established, then things won't work out in the long run and it is then for the best to acknowledge the incompatibility and everyone just move on. I remember shortly before I found this channel through Tom Scott, I was watching an advice panel featuring Dr. Esther Perel. Also on the panel was a gay man from Seattle, WA who provided a gay man's view on hetero relationships as a syndicated columnist. His name was Dan Savage. His advice on relationships with ANYONE was this, "Every relationship has a cost of admission. A price that we must pay in order to be in that relationship. That price is going to vary from person to person for person to person. The question you have to ask yourself is, 'are you willing to pay that price?' Take my husband and myself. I am a very neat and tidy guy. I like everything clean and in its place. My husband is very messy. He leaves his dirty clothes everywhere, leaves the condiments and sandwhich items out on the counter, doesn't clean his dishes, you get the picture. Now, I love my husband. But, the messiness constantly gets to me and I'd nag on him, like all the hetero guys complain about their wives, to clean up after himself. Sometimes they'd turn into big arguments. One day, I walked into the kitchen and saw he had made himself a sandwhich and left everything out again. I sighed and cleaned up after him and was going to go find him to give him a piece of my mind when I realized something startling. It was quiet. There no yelling, no shouting, no arguing. The mess was cleaned up. I realized I could go nag him again and we'd both wind up in grumpy moods or I could just accept that part of the price of admission to being married to my husband was to go behind him and clean up after him. And, you know what, I realized it was a price I was willing to pay. So I stopped nagging him and just started cleaning up after him. And it has made our relationship that much more peaceful." - Dan Savage, unknown date. The tie in to this video is this, sex is one more thing that each person is going to have differing opinions, wants, needs. It is also something that must be discussed, preferably sooner than later. If one person in a relationship is unable or unwilling to pay the sexual cost of admission into a relationship, then they either need to be understanding when their partner seeks other solutions to meet those needs, or they need to go their separate ways. That is the bottom line.

[@lysianeamougou]

Thanks very much I felt guilty giving myself pleasure when my partner wasn't around but now I know I came to the conclusion that in a relationship our wants and needs can't be met everytime and it's okay to maintain a peaceful environnement

[@laurenschenck5355]

Happy Thursday Hannah hope you have amazing day xoxo 😚 ❤️❤️💛💓💐🩵💞💞🩷🩶❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥🌸🪻🪻🤎🤎💕💕💔❤️‍🩹💙❤️‍🔥🖤🩵💐💜💜💜💓💛💐❤️‍🔥🧡🩶🩶🧡🧡🪻🖤🖤🤎🤎💞💔💔🩷🌸💚❣️🤍💕💓💛❤️💐🧡🧡❤️‍🔥💜🩵🩵💛💛💛

[@laurenschenck5355]

SO EXCITED!! 🪻💓🤍💕🪻❤️❤️❤️💛🩷🩷🖤❤️💞💚🤍🤍🪻🪻❤️‍🩹💙❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥💐💐🩵🩵🌸🤎🤎🌹💜❤️💞💚💛❤️💔❤️💓💙💓💘💙🩶🩶💐🤎❣️💜🪻💓🪻💔💔💔

[@laurenschenck5355]

This is amazing and thanks so much for this xoxo 😚 💓🪻💔🪻💓💓🪻💙💙💐🤎🤎💛💛💚🩷🩵❣️❣️🤍❤️‍🔥🌹🌸🌸🌸💕🤍❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥💞💞🤎💐💜🪻🪻💓❤️💐💚💚🩵🩷💘🤍❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥🤍

[@paulrhyne4]

❤

[@meeganerose98]

Hannah, you are magic! Amazing 🤍