The Ninja who Stabbed a Guy in the Butthole (Not So Silent Assassin)

Awful death. Awesome epitaph.
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Starring Karl Smallwood
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Filmed and Edited by Brad Rawlinson
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Original Article:
www.factfiend.com/ninja-stabbe...
Sources:
kotaku.com/why-i-love-ninjas-1...
nypost.com/2013/02/10/rise-of-...
books.google.co.uk/books?id=M...
www.zenstoriesofthesamurai.com...
books.google.co.uk/books?id=g...
books.google.co.uk/books?id=g...
Videos:
Ninja Assassin (2009)
www.imdb.com/title/tt1186367/
The Ninja Showdown (1988)
www.imdb.com/title/tt0199843/
Johnny English (2003)
www.imdb.com/title/tt0274166/
Enter the Ninja (1981)
www.imdb.com/title/tt0082332/
Arachnophobia (1990)
www.imdb.com/title/tt0099052/
Trainspotting (1996)
www.imdb.com/title/tt0117951/
The Ninja Showdown (1988)
www.imdb.com/title/tt0199843/
Images:
Ninja By un amigo (Blog Personal) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons
Burning House By J.D. Griggs (USGS HVO) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons
Qin Shu Huang, [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons
Uesugi Kenshin by Utagawa Kuniyoshi [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons
Toilet Roll Spider, by onthedecline via
www.flickr.com/photos/onthede...
creativecommons.org/licenses/...
Spear, Brooklyn Museum [CC BY 3.0 (creativecommons.org/licenses/b...)], via Wikimedia Commons
Sword, via collections.lacma.org/node/189234
Wooden Toilet. This image is from the user Chris 73 and is freely available at //commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Edo_period_Japanese_toilet_replica.jpg under the creative commons cc-by-sa 3.0 license.
Music:
Two Finger Johnny (incomptech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
creativecommons.org/licenses/b...

[@shittywizard7176]

in Australia you just fucken eat the spider, it protean man.

[@mrflamingo1978]

Shitty Wizard Indeed

[@conglomerateofants9166]

Spiders are friends, not food.

[@kaiwoessner6558]

Shitty Wizard iiiiiiiii

[@DropBearClaire]

In Australia you have to check for spiders, snakes and frogs/ geckos in the dunny

[@Terelian.]

I think that’s what asians do

Elvis Presley was killed by a ninja on a toilet, as well

[@gabbiekavanov4692]

Bob Pickleson too soon

[@DIDDLOTIC]

A Ninja called heart disease

[@swiftyj0240]

Was elves on the toilet or the ninja, duh duh DUUUUHN

[@codenamecrisis9679]

Where's your proof?

[@saucequatch9295]

gabbie kavanov it’s been 53years I think it’s been soon enough

[@gavinlinville9691]

The spear Japanese Spears of a era were f****** terrifying and we're not even going to talk about how they had Jagged edges on them

[@theemperor1782]

@@aidenv6537 some of them did

[@no-xi6sh]

spear plug

[@professorx4585]

Thanos: now ant man is dead I have no one to fear! This ninja: ;)

[@jana31415]

Thanks for this amazing endgame spoiler

[@NeoIsrafil]

Ninja: Omaewa mo shinderu

[@julianzapata905]

Hidden leaf village secret jutsu: 1000 years of pain!!!!

[@HiImZeke]

I thought it was 1000 years of death

[@mgelliott86]

This is what i thought of when i first saw the title

[@prison_wallet_thief]

Senin goroshi!!!!!!😂😂😂

[@rikrob5172]

It being a hidden leaf technique is even funnier because you would be wiping your ass with leaves back then.

[@connievasser4463]

Ah, I see a man of culture as well

[@Sp00kyBedHair]

A ninja in your toilet is rather like the Spanish Inquisition.

[@TheStoneSpiral]

+Jerry K It's a Monty Python joke.

[@TheStoneSpiral]

+Jerry K Well, maybe add an emoticon to convey tone more often. Text doesn't do a good job of it alone. Then you won't necessarily be misunderstood.

[@TheStoneSpiral]

+Jerry K Well, I was being serious, not trying to make a joke. So.. the plain reading of the text applies. Learn to internet. :/

[@claudiusgermanicus9465]

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition

[@solidstatenasty]

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

[@mavenYGO]

Kakashi's thousand years of pain

[@briesonahtone4053]

We call it a black jaw where I'm from

[@sonsonthegoddessofconfusio3183]

it's death

[@Warweazel]

When I played Hitman I always got "The Eraser" because I never left bodies. I always had to hide the body somewhere.

[@LunchThyme]

Put a jacket on once and a big whitetail (pretty much the only spider in New Zealand that can actually bite you) crawled out of my hood and across my face. Pretty sure my swatting hand hit mach 3.

[@JustAlex2000]

Did you mean to say can't bite you? I refuse to believe New Zealand has only one spider that can be harmful.

[@orangequill2tt187]

Michael Sanft i would smack that spider at the speed of light

[@noti7510]

@@JustAlex2000 more like the only spider with a poisonous bite

[@samthomson3394]

@@noti7510 all spiders in the world have venom but only some spiders venom is strong enough to harm humans or have large enough mandibles to penetrate human skin

[@samthomson3394]

@@JustAlex2000 there are three species of spider in new Zealand known to harm humans the white tail and redback spiders both of which were introduced from Australia and the newzealand katipo spider

[@mr.skidish5777]

that wonder full moment when your on the toilet when watching this

[@sunrisesyndicate8650]

me rn bro

[@thomascollins5622]

Oh shit, that's me right now...

[@jacencade4019]

Throws stars

[@exoticxenon5005]

Mr.Skidish sane bro

[@saraha180]

Whether a spear or sword is worse depends on the type of spear and sword in question. Given a choice between the two pictured, I'd think I'd rather be stabbed by the spear-but my first choice is "neither."

[@jacobstallard2678]

If its gonna happen, give me a quick death, lol.

[@thelocust619]

The spear is worse, hard fact. You can't shove a 1 handed sword very far up someone's ass, its not a lightsaber. Even a two handed sword doesnt offer great leverage for thrusting with just an 8 inch handle handle on one side. The spear though? That has phenomenal leverage. That's going all the way in. It's gonna hit parts of you the sword will never reach.

[@duppady5319]

@@thelocust619 even more so when you consider what spears or Yari, in this case was like in the Sengoku period, being a much thinner and pointed blade despite having around the same strength as a western one around the same time period. Something like that can quite literary go up there with little to no resistance, even more so if the wilder in question is fucking good at using it

[@thelocust619]

@@duppady5319 It doesn't really take a rocket scientist or some kinda master to shove a spear up a booty hole. Average joes have been doing it for all human history (staking people was a low man's job). Skill with a spear doesnt really make you shove any harder, it mostly just helps with putting it where you want it. But yes, a yari would suck, but I think they'd all suck in their own special way. Flared flat, rounded leaf, narrow pointed, just a spike, wings, a trident, a tapered lance...none of those bring friendly images to mind. Excuse me, now I have a stomach ache

[@lunakoala5053]

@@thelocust619 That's what makes the spear better, tho. Even today, you're basically dead when you bowels get pierced. No antibiotics can handle your insides being full of actual shit. So I'd rather have them use a spear and hopefully also piece some higher up vital organs that grant a quicker death.

[@quikdrawcollins1861]

I was pooping in a public restroom when a big cockroach crawled under the door. I tried to scare it off and it did as all roaches do and hid in the closest dark place which so happened to be under my pants. so naturally I freaked out, leaped up from the toilet and frantically shook my pants trying to relocate the Roach. Lucky no one else was in the bathroom because I was in front of the sinks with my pants around my ankles doing this. and the worst part of this story is... I never found it. bum bum BUM!

[@kingpotato7183]

Daniel Collins That's why whenever i take a shit in a public toilet I put my feet up and press on the door

[@chrissmith3587]

king potato have you heard jack whitehalls bit on public toilets if not try and find it on youtube

[@theothertonydutch]

Some stay it's still there

[@xtrashocking]

Legends say it's still under his pants to this day

[@onedaynoreason2572]

I fell in the canal off my boat in England and to my family's shock nd horror I was so disgusted I proceeded to take off my shoes jeans underwear and my pad 🤣 just right there at a pub. Funny my husband and I were bickering and he felt such pity for me he just immediately dropped it nd was like let me know how I can help 😂 . No spiders were involved shockingly. I know you're a dog man Karl, but get a cat, they eat up spiders for fun. I live on canal boat normally they are full of spiders ours has none

[@TheNimaid]

DEAR KARL: CALL PEOPLE WHO CLICK THE BELL ICON BELLENDS. THAT IS ALL THANK YOU

[@darkamora5123]

Oddly, I watched this video after the Gary Gygax video. It's odd because I had never heard this story, but I played an assassin in D&D who used a weapon I called the Umbrella of Doom. It was essentially a lance, with four blades in it, I would regularly hide in the crap piles under outhouses and as Karl said, stab my target in "the rusty sheriff's badge" and trigger the spring loaded blades. When I got to a high enough level (with enough money) I had it recreated as a vorpal weapon (a weapon that ignores resistance to slashing damage and decapitates on a natural 20). Recreating history without even knowing it.

[@MichelleC50]

What makes you so sure it was a doubled-edged sword? SPEAR!! It's longer and inflicting deeper damage *shudders*

[@joshallinson3466]

Was looking for a video, saw the thumbnail said “butthole” and that it was this channel. My afternoon is complete.

[@Lycanhowl]

If I ever quote you it will be the line “no one expects a ninja in their toilet”

[@nvrguru22]

A centipede crawled out of a toilet I was on once... I didn’t shit for 5 days

[@GldnClaw]

Oh, please don't set up the street joke for me man....

[@stevenlester2606]

I would point out that if the Ninja was a dwarf his reach would have been a mite short so he would have a greater chance of using a spear because it has the longer reach, unless the dwarf was standing on a stool or a chair.

[@shawndgn]

Charles-A Rovira you need to leave. Bye, see ya, gtfo.

[@concretefarmz]

Charles-A Rovira im laughing so hard after reading that like im fucking dying

[@TheNimaid]

To make these claims, we neeed schematics for the outhouse's underbelly. Who is an antiquity fecal expert here?

[@kilderok]

@Charles-A Rovira Came here just to make sure someone pointed out the stool thing; you are doing the lords work, friend.

[@kanjyro]

All i saw was the title in my feed and I instantly Burt into laughter and had to click it

[@jayflyaz4481]

There has actually been a couple of times a spider was in my toilet. 1 time I noticed after I took a dump. 2nd time I checked and it was just chilln inside. CHECK YOUR TOILETS LOL

[@SakuraAvalon]

The spiders in mine try to build a web in my tub. Have to kill them and clean out the web strands(these spiders don't build elaborate webs, just really quickly made ones) when this shit happens.

[@gauthamarun3878]

eyyyyyyyyyyyyy

[@JohnSmith-kb4re]

that shit is why you should flush before and after bois

[@Godless_Guru]

I agree with Karl on many things, but in this case I've got to say a spear would be worse. A) spears often also have sharp edges on both sides. B) it's significantly longer and C) a spears long shaft allows for a comfortable two handed grip optimising the force and precision of the thrust. Ouch!

[@pythiasibyls6269]

Prince and Carrie Fisher were obviously killed by Ninjas!

[@mandolore19]

This actually happened to King Edmund II. A viking hid in his toilet and yeeted a dagger up his ass when he sat down. Thank you Stupid Deaths, for the amazing factoids.

[@mrtoxicwasteland]

can confirm. Hero (2002) is amazing

[@peekaboo_679]

So, i watched the video on the shitter and now am terrified.....

[@blackderby80]

Ohmygodohmygod! I used to have a book (when I was a kid) about the real history of ninjas, and this story was the one I remembered best from it. Never could find it in any other books since, I almost came to assume I had made it up and just thought I had read it somewhere... The way I remember it, the ninja was chosen for the job specifically because he was exceptionally short, and he trained by cramming himself into big clay pots for days on end. The story specified that he used a collapsible spear (a sword wouldn't reach the length of the drop), and that the spear went all the way through and the head exited his mouth. And, Jesus, I had forgotten just how bad 80s ninja movies were. And now I really want someone to make a realistic film about ninjas. And then another one that is total fantasy. And release them within three weeks of each other, like 'black death' and that nic cage witch hunter movie, or 'Dante's peak' and 'volcano'...

[@Yourlifeisalie1]

my new favorite channel all I've done for the past 3 days is just watch all of your videos one after the other your ever in nyc ill buy you a drink

[@willhelmashes2452]

It's amazing how I watch both of you guys content (you and Whistler's) almost religiously.

[@Barking_Schnauzer]

Just subscribed - you need more viewers! The topics you pick up, your comments on those and the fitting movie clips in-between - awesome :-) I had really a good laugh on some of those vids. Please continue, this is great! :-)

[@sentinelmoonfang]

Uesugi Kenshin also was known for having debilitating stomach pains for a number of years prior, which kinda lends itself to the stomach cancer explanation. There's a fringe theory that he was actually a she and said stomach pains were menstrual cramps. Dude was actually a pretty interesting character even if he wasn't stabbed to death in the ass.

[@deltabravolima1514]

This is the best title of any video I've ever seen on KZbin!! EVER!!!!

[@stevedasbru]

Love the channel and love the videos guys, bit of a heads-up tho, from what I understand ninja was a rank or class that a samurai could attain, in the same way a police officer can become an investigator.

[@matthewwennerberg8016]

7:46 "Nobody expects a ninja in their toilet" Me, who has a severe anxiety and a shitload of irrational phobias: yeah nobody /nervous laughter/

[@wannabkain4400]

Jesus your toilet story about the spider nearly killed me with laughter.

[@thenickseditious]

That title is why i can't stop watching your channel you guys are fucking hilarious geniuses

[@Tasoq]

6:08 you need to check in Australia because there seriously could be a snake or spider hiding in the toilet

[@romrimland]

Greatest title for a KZbin video ever!

[@criticalfxck13]

A spider once slowly descended from RIGHT above me while I was on the shitter Never in my life have I ever wiped with such speed and ferocity

[@harveyfletcher1308]

Didn't understand a word or get the point of the first 30ish seconds of the video keep up the good quality content as always karl

[@shawn_crabtree]

I have a hole in the wall in my bathroom, so I’m worried of spiders living in this dark area, as there have been some before.

[@Raegus]

Thanks, man, now I have to watch Hero again.

[@damin911]

Ive watched so many of your videos haven't subscribed because honestly didn't think about it. Im doing it now but maybe just a text that says like comment subscribe to remind those of us who just didn't think about it. Keep up the good work

[@HankHillBentOver]

I love this channel so much, it feels so refreshing U///w///U

[@NeoIsrafil]

I've always been scared of a spider hiding inside the damn toilet under the rim. Ive seen them crawl out from there before. Damn creepy crawlies. As for the story he probably did it using a short sword (wakizashi ) considering where he had to hide has little space.

[@KrazeeCain]

Japanese is actually very easy to pronounce, aside from the awkward pairings of vowels we're not used too. Each vowel has exactly one pronunciation; A = ah I = ee U = ooh E = ehh O = oh And there are very few silent letters, which are optional anyways.

[@micktait8576]

Its like saying i died by a massive heart attack .. a heart attack small or massive .you still died

[@davidribeiro]

The Ninja Showdown!!! Goddamn, I have never seen anyone bring that up before! I'm truly shocked.

[@RealLilVodka]

Ninjas generally weren’t really even assassins. Just spies. But it’s nice to see y’all actually doing research and getting most of it right!

[@cotycampbell7239]

Hey Karl. Love your videos. Just a simple technique taught to me by a friend. When speaking Japanese, even names, try to make a sound out of every two or three letters. For example, Senpai (Sin-pie), or Nani (Nah-knee).

[@DanGoodShotHD]

The manner in which you explain shit is absolutely hilarious! I would love to see Simon Whistler do a video like this! Ha! Side note; the fact that you had to explain the toilet from back then and how a ninja can't fit in today's porcelain bowl speaks volumes about "modern" society. It's just fucking sad.

[@albinschill449]

Well with a titel like this you are definitely going to make a lot of views

[@rreddercervine16]

This channel would be so much better if they turned up the volume a bit.

[@dpm9a189]

There was a ninja in elvis' toilet wasnt there.

[@heroicstoic5608]

You see, this is why I check for ninjas before sitting down.

[@Mydrawlife]

A spider? Try to have frogs jumpin up from your toilet We used to live on a small farm, with a bad sewerage-system, when i was a little gal, and our garden was filled with wildlife. Though our garden was not enough for some of the animals, and the frogs and the toads would sometimes take comfort in the toilet bowl. Then one day my grandma came to visit and used the toilet. Though my parents had forgotten to tell her about the frogs so when a frog/toad/thing jumped up from the toilet she got quite a scare. And then she never used our bathroom again - cuz we moved.

[@yetanotherrandomyoutubecha4382]

7:06 Great. Now I have the image of Tyrion sitting in the pit, shooting people with a crossbow stuck in my head

[@TummySausage]

Best video title ever

[@shelbyramin1376]

I was shitting while watching this video. Thanks for that guys. Seriously, thanks. Keep up the good work!

[@bobbyboswell13]

omfg i so want my tombstone to read “the ninja’s finally got me”

[@iSkyn3t]

I was visiting my mom and I couldn't sleep. Started watch videos. A few minutes later a brown recluse spider gently crawled over my forearm. The second it was off me, I screamed and woke everyone up.. I didn't sleep the rest of the night :/ I don't think I can sleep there ever again! But now I'm going to be checking toilet paper rolls, damn it! Haha

[@navecamnedia]

after seeing the clip of the guy flipping the seat up with his shoe and immediately have a spider crawl across his foot, i've never been able to shit without checking under the seat

[@MultiNaruto900]

*Loudest silent assassin ever.*

[@tylerk3130]

Today I Found Out Karl Smallwood writes for another one of my favorite channels.

[@bigboibubba5528]

One thousand years of death...

[@hariodinio]

"No one expects a ninja in your toilet" should be on a shirt

[@lavender0666]

No one expects the Spanish inquisition

[@ReggaetonyMX]

Dudes, at least crank up the audio volume in increments of 3dB, it´s a little low still, it might be a good idea to increment 6db´s. Good job otherwise, I really enjoy your work

[@victopiatheunicorn1276]

When I was younger I was thinking that aliens would beam me away whilst on the toilet

[@Titanic_Tuna]

Ah... the Thousand years of death jutsu... an ancient technique passed down through generations.

[@EnLaMatrix1]

To this day, I still check the toilet for ninjas

[@joshacky5134]

makes me re-think most things i was thought in school about history.

[@LukeLukitik]

Watching this video on phone sitting on the toilet... oh no

[@reniermoller381]

I was on the toilet while watching this.

[@normund8348]

Jokes on you, I already am paranoid and watch ever corner of ther toilet for spiders

[@notjarrod8287]

When you told the story of the spider on the toilet paper roll I literally just sat down to take a shit. I was terrified the whole time thanks to you.

[@sherlockinvestigatesjapan8302]

I have honestly heard far worse pronunciations, well done for trying though. Just remember Japanese is phonetic, unlike the word phonetic which is not phonetic :-p

[@Obsidian1022]

The spear man, so that way at least you get a "woody".

[@amy7189]

Once had a spider fall from between the SHEETS of the toilet roll...I always check now XD

[@Cuntsplinterbros]

The bell steals your soul.

[@treavormiller9552]

Crap like this is why I keep coming back!

[@Chidsuey]

If you ever happen to see a ninja, never say, "Hey look! It's a ninja!". This will be the last thing you ever say.

[@justiceplaysairsoft996]

Jokes on you i already check the bathroom for spiders

[@iacccc]

I'm weak! Y'all freaking hilarious, a bullet related accident lmfao!

[@jotomato]

Jokes on you, I use a bidet!

[@ProphasisDnB]

Bro! You didn't credit 'Hero'...bad form. Good vids tho keep 'em coming!

[@Indecisionn]

I'd just assumed The 3 Ninjas was historically accurate.... Mind blown!

[@dominicking8141]

I always flush the toilet before sitting on it to make sure that there is no spiders under the rim

[@MrHeems]

Muammar Gaddafi for sure died from being stabbed up the bum. I'll never be able to unsee that video.

[@Amosyahu]

Stabbed up the dirt road with a spiked mace would obviously be the absolute worst. The kind that looks like a ball bat with railroad spikes not a morning star.

[@chrisconstanti9283]

Cursed Dildo

[@watchpug5225]

I watched the video on toilet, i never was so unsteady in my life.

[@viholiday8017]

Im watching this on the toilet, or i was at least I tired.

[@deadpanda2404]

I was shitting when you said spider in the toilet

[@Elf_Pyro]

i actually always check the toilet for spiders lmao

[@toolazytomakeaname1341]

Ninjas also did have those ninja uniforms, but they were blue to match the night sky. They also used guns and such, and some things that Ninjas did can be applied in video games. In TF2, a hidden stealth tech is crouching beside a slightly elevated surface while cloaked, surprisingly it works. Also, you can make stealth easier if you take advantage of the fact people don’t normally look up, I remember hearing that it was something Ninjas did.

[@Runethyy]

THANKS KARL!!! Now im cursed to check my toilet for ninjas every time im takin a shit

[@willw1980]

It depends on how the spear or sword is made There are some pretty long swords known as great swords (don't get confused with long swords which is usually called a great sword)

[@carlstein9278]

Hello Karl! It's me Carl! why are you written with a K? i thought that would be the german way. on the other hand i'm german and written with a C so...

[@thebath4616]

Ninja:omaewashinderu Guy:NANI? *stabs in the asshole*

[@ThrottleKitty]

I'm adding it to my will now, regardless of how I die it will be followed "or possibly ninja attack" in the obituary.