The "Of Course!" Method: Neutralizing Narcissistic Abuse. With Dr. Les Carter

In this video, Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed, LCPC, CADC is interviewed by Dr. Les Carter for his Surviving Narcissism Podcast. It was a delight for Ross, as Dr. Carter is one the few narcissism experts on KZbin who he admires and respects. As veteran psychotherapists, the conversation was easy, relaxed and filled with a great deal of helpful information. In this segment, Ross is asked to explain his "Of Course!" Method, which is a defense technique that goes hand-in-hand with his Observe Don't Absorb (ODA) technique. When The Of Course Method and Observe Don't Absorb are used together, a person can establish a potent defense strategy that will protect them as much as help them to end or escape a harmful relationship.
ABOUT DR. LES CARTER
Dr. Les Carter is a best-selling author and therapist, and host of the Surviving Narcissism podcast who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. In the past 40+ years, he has conducted more than 65,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
Learn more about Dr. Les Carter at www.SurvivingNarcissism.tv or www.DrLesCarter.com.
ABOUT ROSS ROSENBERG
Ross Rosenberg M.Ed., LCPC, CADC is a psychotherapist, educator, expert witness, and celebrated author. He is also a global thought leader and clinical expert in codependency, trauma, pathological narcissism, narcissistic abuse, and addictions.
Ross's pioneering codependency contributions are responsible for the sweeping theoretical and practical updates and developing a treatment program that permanently resolves it.
Ross has been featured on national TV and radio and is a regular radio and podcast guest. In addition, he has traveled the world, giving his one-of-a-kind keynote presentations and educational workshops.
His global impact is best illustrated by his 23 million viewed/240,000 subscribed KZbin channel and the sale of 150,000 Human Magnet Syndrome books published in 12 languages.
In 2013, Ross created The Self-Love Recovery Institute, a hub for his personal development, workshops, professional training, retreats, other programs, and services. Learn more at www.SelfLoveRecovery.com.
Facebook.com/TheCodependencyCure)
Instagram (@rossrosenberg_slri)
Twitter (@RossRosenberg1)
and now…TikTok! (@RossRosenberg1)
#ofcourse #narcissisticabuse #narcissism #survivingnarcissism #narcissist #codependency #codependent #selflovedeficitdisorder #selflovedeficient #SLDD #trauma #gaslight #gaslighting #abuse #domesticabuse #toxicrelationships #relationships

[@dubsb540]

Both you have helped me greatly with my journey the last 4 years. It is great you have a collaboration, and I send you a heartful "thank you" for your work.

[@Pukeyray]

The "Of Course" method is awesome. Really helps with radical acceptance and not being confused after being mistreated. I love the team up! Two incredible people and channels.

[@stivo9730]

Ross' "Observe Don't Absorb" was a timely lifesaver for me. Looking forward to learning something really helpful again. Thanks for everything, Ross!

[@daniellatan9016]

Awesome! We get the 2 best teachers on narcissism together!

[@LR-yu3mx]

Agree, the best! Ross is the first lecturer that opened up the knowledge about narcissist abuse. My whole life opened up for me. To understand the dinamics is the first key. I often listen to Les. Excellent content. Many thanks to you both most knowledgable experts!

[@privateprivate8366]

Predictive Awareness and Delicate Detachment. Love it! I think that, in the back of my mind, what I’ve probably been using is the popular saying, from a few years ago, “Consider the source.” After all, if you’ve seen the red flags and watched the patterns, you’ve already picked up on what this person is about. I use this on narcissists, flying monkeys and enablers. I can also predict that, when I’m in an environment, with any of these types, I am the odd one out, because I don’t subscribe to the narcissistic system. I already know that I will be considered all sorts of wrong and I have to be OK with that.

[@barbarabagatin8962]

This is Fab! Dr. Rosenberg and Dr. Carter together! Can't believe that. Thank You Doctors! What an amazing gift.

[@sage9836]

What a great team!

[@chipchippie]

After all this time of dealing with the damage narcissism has done to my psyche it's nice to have help somewhere at any time I need it. Thanks for being here.

[@mal8447]

Me too! Happy healing Chip 😘

[@theuniverseofothman7660]

Two of the greatest godsend guides in my darkest hours, days and months... they helped me decipher the abuse that surrounds me and most importantly the allowing that was inside me as residuals from childhood. What a delightful conversation. Reassuring as well for me to hear and to see how far I have come!!! I continue to do work everyday, yet I am really out of the beast's mouth and it is thanks to God, my sincere will to grow and realign to my pure essence, my mother every so loving and patient... and to guides like you guys and a handful of others who really get to the bottom of this and not only that but also show us an ideal template, which made all the difference. An eternal Thank you Dr. Ross and Dr. Les.

[@LR-yu3mx]

"Of Course" is liberating and empowering.

[@BigDaddyDru]

Epic collaboration here!

[@snowstormonsat]

I'm a huge fan of you both, you've both helped me so much! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!

[@janabanana8227]

Awesome collaboration!

[@moimeme6533]

also reminding oneself that their antics are the Jungian projection of their own internal core of shame.

[@HahaT634]

Fine illustration of men that age like fine 🍷. Thank you for the collaboration and hope to see more of this.

[@reginathornton7433]

Narcissists interrupt, don't let you speak & bully you to serve them financially. I had to remove this woman from my life after 1 year of trying to be tolerant & a team player at church. Am so HAPPY now

[@lumamudhafar7728]

Both of you have helped me in my healing from codependency thank you very much .

[@katthompson3852]

It would be awesome if there were more podcasts with you 2. You guys are brilliant! True reconstructors. 💜

[@sandrag8710]

Great interview with two great teachers!! Thank you.

[@mshill2406]

A Ross and Les tag team! I have learned so much from Ross with the Observe don't absorb technique! You guys are alright with me!

[@cathy_clarinet]

I love both of you so much. You’ve both educated me SO much!! 👏👏

[@sonnyca]

Basically, it boils down to having bare minimum social skills. You can disarm (put down if you want to) anyone with dry humor while still maintaining the dignity of the situation. The problem is that people who were raised by narcissists have not picked up those life skills or get tongue tied in situations where it is imperative that they stand up for themselves.

[@language-n-learning]

The problem regarding dealing with narcissists goes a lot deeper than just using witty remarks. As Ross always says, you can win when wrestling with a pig. That is why people go No Contact.

[@sonnyca]

@@language-n-learning Wasn’t talking about getting into an argument with a narcissist because that is indeed fighting a pig on his turf. There are situations when you can’t go no contact such as a family member. Pretty sure this approach won’t work in the workplace.

[@language-n-learning]

@@sonnyca Exactly.

[@debrabowman8750]

"Of course" is something I hope I can remember at those strategic moments.

[@badbro2820]

Wow!!! Two of my absolute favorite peeps on this collaborative presentation! Two real powerhouses! I love you both and your work! It is so nice to see you two together! Please do more videos together! You guys are heaven sent and I thank you both for what you are doing!🙏🏽😃👍🏾

[@z32luvr]

Two of the best and most informative people dealing with NPD. They’re invaluable. Thanks for the collaboration.

[@positiveparentingwithastro8044]

Ross Rosenberg's teaching has been incredibly helpful in my own journey healing from narcissistic abuse. So grateful!

[@bereal6590]

Excellent collaboration. So validating to hear what I also agree with that the psychodynamic approach of understanding ones own origins and what ive been indoctrinated with (not teachings or good life skills like a parent ought to help with) is the beginning of how we see ourselves and how we then operate and move forwards in the world. That's why toxic parents are so negative. Children's sense of self their brain structures and psyche are growing and it's such a damaging environment. Great to see so much help out there. It would be really good to het more on this topic and healing those messages we received, theyre hard to shake off thank you dr c.

[@athena3865]

I wish all this information had been easily accessible 50 years ago. At almost 65, I have never had a healthy relationship, and I finally know why. Ross's work has helped me tremendously, and Les keeps me from going into depression over it with all the giggles. Love both you guys. Thank You for all you do.

[@sherrymurphy855]

Thanks to both of you... my heart goes out to all, who, like myself, did not know the big words like narcissism/sociopathy way back WHEN... we needed to. If I may say, on behalf of those who got 'caught off guard' without TIME to get an understanding of such insidious behavior and to learn all of this BEFORE a divorce or other, ETC., from someone without conscience and found themselves 'sol'.... We are GRATEFUL for the knowledge and understanding NOW. Thanks again dr Carter and dr Ross.

[@natalijamartina]

Very useful. I will also use this method when I have bad thoughts. They are pigs and I wear white dress - I will not get dirty. And it works! Mr. Ross Rosenberg, thank you again.

[@tearthangel373]

I am Enough!

[@zedradio3162]

Wow there are not many You-tubers, that move people who have been abused by narcissist. Towards healing but you to leaders do just that.. Thank you

[@Chris-dw7gq]

I agree!! Thank you both kindly! I see myself obsessing on the ex Narc and it creates reruns in my mind. Ya, I knew what was up his sleeve this past weekend. I hadn't seen this video till after this weekend. I am happy I was not absorb, but just observing. It was calming. He knows humiliation in a group is my trigger. It is laughable, but now I see it's a trap. Personally, I find it intriguing for him to be able to plot out ways to trigger close ones. I can't imagine doing that to others. I do think it is a self love deficit on my part. Gaslighting has always been my issue. Truly, thank you forever.

[@insc8262]

I have listen to both of you for years to learn how to survive my situation. I am so grateful to both of you to get together for this video. It proved to myself that I have been following two best doctors on narcissists. You both have given me so many life skills that to this day I am determined I will out live the narc in my life and find joy again.

[@if131]

How do I re-write the narrative from my father during my childhood "what is wrong with you?" It comes out of my brain when I least expect it.

[@sage9836]

Ross has a video called something like "Gaslighting Glasses" and Drc has one about why your freedom offends a narc and what the narc does to your ego.

[@bereal6590]

I think probably to say of course! He would do that because he was projecting someone about himself onto you. Could be either that he feels inadequate or that he wanted you to be a mini me. Nobody in their right mind tells a child what is wrong with you, it's not a question.... its a statement meant to make you feel bad about yourself. The effect is you'll question yourself and be more easy to manipulate. Looking at this logically why would a parent say that to a child (unless they were saying it with kindness as in what's wrong, are you okay) unless it was to make that child feel bad. If a decent parent saw a child struggling or needed support they'd step in to help and guide... they DON'T say what is wrong with you! Think to yourself what is wrong with him that he would say that! Of course he would say that because he is inadequate as a parent and a person and it's not your burden to carry. Nobody is perfect so why should you be, just use your best judgement and trust yourself... something which he didn't allow you to do

[@cherylannebarillartist7453]

“What is wrong with you”: the answer Your father did not have the tools to be more giving to you…. But YOU can now give yourself this! I learned this, maybe it can be helpful to you as well? Q) “What is wrong…..” And offer little you 10-20 answers where adult you is able to begin to answer in nurturing sequence. Best wishes!

[@Wawiya]

This was insightful! Thank you for this wonderful collab

[@douglasfrederick127]

It’s interesting how in your Covert Narcissist video how you tell people to get out of the relationship and here you’re saying you want a family. Of course I know your father was a covert?

[@cherylannebarillartist7453]

“Of course”: what a brilliant and expeditious path to remaining the observer vs ensnared! Thank you gentlemen!

[@warriormom5843]

Dr. Carter and Dr. Rosenberg: POWER TEAM!!! 💪💪 👏👏

[@mac-ju5ot]

I love Dr.Carters delicate detachment comment. Its a art folks....I'm laughing after I hit a sore spot.....confronted and told him.how I felt manipulated others he was gone I just laughed. Sometimes the silence is delightful.( He said I'm a ," whimp " of course)

[@Chris-dw7gq]

Glad you realize you are not a whimp! i am hoping you recover. I just cringe hearing he said that to you, but it's his way of keeping you under his thumb.

[@badbro2820]

Les is my Dad and Ross is my favorite Uncle! Much love you guys!🙏🏽😃

[@bethtaylor9773]

'So what?' is also good if a person isn't ready for detachment with love.

[@tracyromero7797]

My mother is a narcissistic. I grew up feeling so confused, judged and waiting for small truths to be twisted into lies. I definately have a trust issues and lack confidence in what I feel. After my father passed, I had to walk away from my mother and both my siblings. They manipulate and are unhealthy people. My dad was the best part of our family though he allowed my mother and brothers to be toxic with his silence. Because I brought my children up with "family comes first," they don't understand how I can walk away. Family is so much more than blood. My hurt now comes from my children choosing to have them in their lives. I am working on that piece within myself. Thank you for getting this important information out to people and giving it a name!

[@SueWhootBoneWhoot]

Wow. Sounds like my family, only decided to not to breed. The narcissist nest is real, even if you try to make it different. Good luck.

[@snowbear1877]

Not my narcissistic mother and sister. Both threatened to cut me off and carried it out.

[@joyfulstrategy5694]

PRICELESS 🙏🙏 Thank you both for bringing truth and hope for so many of us who have been stripped of our reality by these evil beasts💯

[@tearthangel373]

I Am Enoygh!😊

[@palominoshine7838]

Enjoyed this collaboration.

[@msmacmac1000]

Of course! Love it. I’m even dreaming this practice.

[@snowy4282]

You guys are HEROES ! Thank you. ☮️

[@izawaniek2568]

I loved this conversation Gentelmen. You gotta love what you do and you both do love helping people! Thank you so much❤ God bless you❤

[@BarbzSA]

This was great! Two favourites of mine. Clever guys who seemed to really meet and connect.

[@3birdsandabird425]

Brilliant! Thank you for your time!

[@marcirobins5144]

Drs. please do this again!

[@bethtaylor9773]

In Al-Anon, we call that detachment with love.

[@avoiceinthewilderness9864]

I suspect my mom is narcissistic. What about the pets. She yells and screams at her dogs like she did me as a child. She throws things at them and hits them with things. Do dogs become co dependent? She is single living on her own.

[@LoveVanillaRose]

How about permanently separate yourself from your narcissist

[@SupremeAtheist]

I’ve just done the of course to the laughing narcs

[@sesuoh7]

Awesome 👏🏼

[@tearthangel373]

I was not strong enough to stay in the marriage. My x compulsive liar and sex addict said that I’m not trusting God. He is a Christian

[@mandycote5662]

Says who? Because he calls himSELF one? Anyone can call him/ herself a Christian- and they do! Not just ANYone can be born again- spiritually- it requires Holy Spirit who is the Witness to it- a demarcation - own immaculate- conception Holy Spirit is the seed of God for rebirth- period

[@mandycote5662]

I AM a born again believer New Testament A disciple who is taught and disciplined by the same Holy Spirit who led Jesus God personified in Him I don’t identify with that term and never have- it’s not even a thought It’s not WHAT one calls him/ her self It’s WHO and only God the Creator is equipped to do that Man just thinks to believe he can God has a pattern- His own 💖👑 I’ll be praying for you ♥️

[@tearthangel373]

@@mandycote5662 🙏. I pray for your understanding of the love of Christ

[@juliechurch1799]

Genius!

[@cathy_clarinet]

This was so good 👏👏

[@sunshinenyc007]

Awesome thanks

[@MelodieRose727]

Loved this!

[@DrNancyLivingCoCreatively]

I appreciated Ross a long while. Carter helped me break through. Both/and. Much appreciated.

[@katarzynaklocek8881]

❤❤❤❤❤🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

[@angelawade1445]

Oh I do hope you can get together again. Just loved this video. You both are phenomenal.

[@mandycote5662]

Hey! I just came across this Fellow 🇨🇦 eh!!! 🙂

[@mandycote5662]

And Mr Team Healthy- Mr Carter It’s so good to see Unity and not divisiveness ♥️

[@travelbug4536]

Of course! 💗

[@tearthangel373]

His Gaslighting was worse and I became Emotionally dysregulated. My Therapist said I now have C-PTSD. I still love him

[@tearthangel373]

@Ross Rosenberg I apologize for sending a text message early in the morning

[@RossRosenberg]

Hi Annette, the now-deleted comment that included a phone number using my name was a fake/spam account. Please do not engage in further contact with that phone number.

[@Chris-dw7gq]

There is hope, you can recover with us.

[@msmacmac1000]

What does “ sld “ stand for

[@RossRosenberg]

Hi Larraine, SLD stands for Self-Love Deficient, aka codependent, or someone with Self-Love Deficit Disorder (codependency). You can learn more at SelfLoveRecovery.com. 🙂

[@msmacmac1000]

@@RossRosenberg thanks, Ross.

[@mandycote5662]

Ross? Is there an association with ‘co dependency ‘ and ‘intimidation?’ Thanks in advance

[@mandycote5662]

So I got no self love uh? I’d had better check out the site My worth was put on the cross as was for all of man What an insult to God who loves me like that! We have a God given right to love ourself I can’t love my neighbour like I love myself if I’m lacking it towards myself How exciting to get the More and today! Man makes the plans - God orders the steps! 💖👑🙂♥️🇨🇦

[@mandycote5662]

Thank you Larraine for asking that question 🙂

[@freedomismine4696]

💯❤️💯❤️💯❤️💯❤️💯❤️💯❤️💯❤️❤️❤️💯❤️💯❤️💯❤️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️