The Old Guard - How To Waste A Great Idea

[@TheCriticalDrinker]

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[@spencermiller8411]

There Can Be Only One.

[@williamchico6553]

Watching Netflix is so boring! But, watching Hulu is fantastic, right!? Right!?

[@lejuansmith6714]

...you never disappoint Drinker never disappoint

[@LGBTGROOMSOURCHILDREN]

Charlize Theron! That's all you had to tell me for me to know it's a horrible movie.

[@juicyfruit4494]

They can take our lives. But they can never take our Freeeeeedom. Atleast I don’t think!

[@kevinoneil5120]

This takes me back to the introduction to X-Men Origins: Wolverine. That montage of Wolverine and Sabertooth fighting their way through a century of war was the movie we all wanted to see and they blew it.

[@moviesaf4898]

Yup

[@fernandogimenez7520]

That was a real Waste...

[@badandy9716]

Best part of that movie!

[@abcun17]

I actually didn't mind that movie. It a pretty fun watch for me. Compared to the garbage we get today, including the shit stain mentioned here by Daddy Drinker, it looks like a masterpiece...

[@ur.9330]

Damn i was just about to mention that

[@gerboiremoncopaing933]

Fun fact: if your immortality eventually runs out, then you aren't immortal.

[@maccatt7274]

Deferred mortality then, like a student loan?

[@alvinsantia7980]

Your immortality directly proportional to your usefulness in pushing the plot forward. Even if it doesn’t make sense

[@ARIES5342]

Yes! You are correct, sir! Hey! Ohhhhh. Adam

[@carljohan9265]

Doesn't the limited resurrections mean that the woman who got placed in the drowning casket would die rather quickly since she would be burning through her "lives" at an extremely high rate?

[@garrick3727]

@@carljohan9265 Depends whether it is lives based or time based. And is it pre-destined or do you just have a random chance of death each time you die, like rolling a 1 on a d20.

[@kratosdescendantgamingchan408]

"They take on missions too dangerous for anyone else" What are they? Some kind of... suicide squad?

[@benfranklinsays2713]

I'll give you one like and one chuckle.😍

[@bengens6070]

nah, there were no trans there

[@seefoghall]

Today, still wanted by the government they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them....maybe you can hire The A-Team

[@Cowboycomando54]

You could say that they are a bunch of "Expendables."

[@MASTEROFEVIL]

Ripoff Suicide Squad

[@aceofspadesguy4913]

I love how we don’t need any explanation of the antagonist other than “Evil Science Man” because we’ve seen this trope so many times.

[@ThirdEngr]

Or you can just call him Harry Potter’s fat cousin.

[@Dat_Jonx]

@@ThirdEngr or alt-right/incel, cause you know who is scariest villain.

[@alexmillward3300]

Evil English Science man, no cliche left unused

[@rogerwagner6940]

What are you, a science denier?

[@ShinzoX90]

Name one original “trope”

[@romanesybel8956]

Why does tatiana seem more developed than most characters those days?

[@janruudschutrups9382]

*these

[@gondo2k2]

Report it as spam

[@spandexsteve5156]

Good writing and caring for the source material.

[@yetanotherspuart3993]

Because she is real.

[@romanesybel8956]

@@janruudschutrups9382 these and those are both correct.

[@DrGeorgePBurdell-USN1701]

Absolutely love how Rookie Immortal is supposed to be a Marine, but wears long braids, no cover or headgear, no helmet, no gear in combat. Ugh.

[@Ozymandias1]

Current year Marines can probably wear high heels, lipstick, nailpolish and a skirt. If they're men. And womxn of color can wear braids as they like. And a helmet smacks of the patriarchy so xe don't wear dat.

[@Adrenaline416]

That's of course because diverse female, ninjas-from-birth characters of social justice origin are more badass than any regular humans and therefore don't need helmets, protective gear and can fire any weapon one-handed turned sideways and hit their targets with 100% accuracy at any range with even looking. Heck, when they join the Marines in real life, there's not even any drill instructors nor commanding officers who are remotely qualified to train them; and they take orders from no one.

[@uxie6177]

Characters not wearing proper protection is par for the course, for ALL types of characters. It's been a thing in fantasy movies forever. Movie studios don't like to cover actor faces.

[@batbrick3949]

Andy is short for Andromache, which is an (ancient) woman’s name. The security guards were using the tools and training that they had, which was, basically, shooting. You think Andy comes across as « frustratingly normal? ». She is jaded, burned out, and cynical. Also, the more you want to know about the immortals … is coming. It’s in the books, and they are working on more movies in the series.

[@BWMagus]

@@batbrick3949 That's an argument after the fact; what's in the books, and what's in the sequels, has nothing to do with the quality of THIS movie.

[@binarysurfer5066]

That moment when a 20 year old 'Highlander' series, and a now 30+ year old 'Highlander' movie beats your movie filmed on a budget of 10x the adjusted value of both combined....

[@jamietodd2560]

The way the movie and series used the plot as an excuse to show flashbacks that were relevant to the current situation while also fleshing out the characters was awesome.

[@gordonchen9510]

Watch this but imagine Mr Plinketts voice for an enhance viewing experience!

[@tlamiczka]

And dat music in Highlander! "Who waaants to liiive forevaaaaa!" Aaaah :-)

[@JohnSmith-sb2fp]

Shush. Stopped talking about highlander before the Evil Woke Hollywood decides to remake it woke .

[@malwiniuscyranoolframfromy4820]

@@JohnSmith-sb2fp Already happening, if I remember it right, with Cavill as MaCleod.

[@christhornton8219]

That moment when you realize that Evil Science Guy is actually Dudley, Harry Potter’s cousin, and you wonder how he got so good at Potions.

[@tanyachristensen5330]

😂👍

[@Lawrence330]

That's where I knew him from! He doesn't *look* like a science guy. Kind of vacant, if you know what I mean.

[@dudesayingthings]

@@Lawrence330 a dementor attack has long-lasting effects maybe 😂

[@lordnate948]

Good frkn content 😂

[@g3nj1]

Another glorious episode of "I watch it so you don't have to." Owe you one, Drinker.

[@cactoidpinata]

Yeah, too bad he didn't review this earlier. I wasn't so lucky.

[@mala6238]

@@cactoidpinata Fs on the chat.

[@G-Mastah-Fash]

He remembers it so you don't have to!

[@AgtX999]

Considering the combat experience they are meant to have they sure get hurt a lot & do dumb things. You’d think they would be like ghosts by now when doing a mission. Also I’d imagine if people like this existed they would be more of a collection of high priced legendary assassins rather than a team of dirty mercenaries.

[@EvilDoresh]

I gues they just prefer the battlefield over assassinations.

[@Narcan885]

Also.... supposedly they helped develop history, but how so? They have no morals, no defined project, they just roll with what happens, who pays more. Like.... coool, i guess...

[@zoeadkins9095]

Additionally, I'd think a group of warriors that are more experienced, powerful, and apparently driven than any other on the planet would be more than mere mercenaries. I'd expect them to be John Wick-level operatives with an international reputation who, say, go their own way and use their abilities to try and make the world a better place. Building relations with various partners or entities to aid in their modern crusade. Perhaps other immortals seek to abuse their powers and establish themselves as an ultimate, ruling authority and our band of heroes are their gatekeeping rivals or something. Literally anything than being soldiers of fortune when you'd think they'd have a unique perspective on the whole life thing by now and no longer waste their time pursuing great material wealth. Ah, whatever.

[@anonymous01792]

@@zoeadkins9095 that’s what I think drinker was referring to. It’s unlikely every immortal would agree to be run of the mill mercs (maybe one or two, even then you could give them an interesting motivation as to why they aren’t pursuing something bigger) I’d like to have seen the different immortals vying for dominance or control say one is an elite assassin and another a body guard or one rises through the ranks of the third reich as the other fights alongside General Patton. And that jumps to mind without putting any thought whatsoever into it.

[@slowazzd2165]

Nothing anything any of you are saying makes sense lmao, just because they have a lot of experience doesn't make them infallible, also if you were functionally immortal you wouldn't care as much about getting hurt either. You clearly watch too many movies if you think people like this would become some legendary guild of assassins and not do exactly what they do and fly under the radar as much as much as possible, they even state WHY in the goddamn movie 🤦🏻‍♂️ also there have been lots of immoral people who have shaped history or people with no intention of doing so, even the movie again points out that they didn't even realize their impact on the world which means they weren't purposely trying, its implied that some other force gave them immortality and guides their actions through the ages. I feel like movies aren't half as bad as people act, people are just stupid but also somehow think they're movie critics

[@VexChoccyMilk]

They could have played it off as when a new immortal is created, an old immortal loses their immortality. Then they would all be super careful until they figure out who can't heal no mo.

[@thomaspappalardo7589]

That’s brilliant!

[@Thematic2177]

It would be pretty easy to figure out, just give each one a papercut and see which one doesn't heal

[@srilemobitelsrile8809]

@@Thematic2177 Make that everyone can heal but only one person can't return from dead. Can't test this easy.

[@yikes313]

@@Thematic2177 a quick fix would be the person who loses their immortality doesn't happen right away but instead progressively and too slow a time to actually be discovered by something as little as a paper cut but a gun shot wound would do the trick

[@MrBottlecapBill]

@@yikes313 You'd think after being alive all those centuries they would have studied their immortality and cracked it a long time ago. Nope........we just use our gifts to kill people until we can't kill no'mo!

[@simonlovechild]

I always find this guy more interesting than the bloody films, better dialogue, sharp as fuck, always funny, deserves a much larger platform.... but always such a pleasure

[@onomatopoeia7505]

You hit the nail on the head. After seeing this with a friend, we discussed how much better the movie could've been. In the end, a complete rewrite is what this movie needs...

[@virtueofabsolution7641]

This movie really needed more character writing. It needed a more in depth analysis of what it means to be immortal and the pain that causes. It needed less saving African school children though that could have easily been used for a backdrop. Just make the villain who kidnapped them immortal, tie him to the plot of the MCs badabing badaboom. Most importantly the stakes just sucked. Also the commenter above me is spamming their channel.

[@ThinWhiteAxe]

Sounds like a job for... *The Drinker*

[@JJ-nu8qi]

@@virtueofabsolution7641 Exactly.

[@sherlyn.a]

@Brian Babin Full-fledged prequel would work though

[@obviousgreyman]

The older I get the less I care about the budget and some of those types of things and the more I realize the writing, characters, and a coherent compelling story are what really matters

[@jovenc4508]

Kind of like video games. The push to make games more cinematic and realistic seems to be making games shallower every year. Developers are focused more on their flashy set pieces than actual story telling and gameplay.

[@ManOfAlkebulan]

Superman and Lois is a good example.

[@MustertheBrohirrim]

@@jovenc4508 Battlefronts biggest mistake..all they had to do was make battlefield but star wars!!

[@obviousgreyman]

@@jovenc4508 I can agree to a point but games can be fun without as much story. A game like red dead 2 has both but it wouldn’t be as good without the environment of the game as well. I guess the concept is the same but different details matter in games than films.

[@og_ice_freezer]

I always knew it. Even before I could explain it like an adult I always felt some movies were a failure due to the absence of coherent plot and/or meaningful dialogs. You can't hire a good actor and hope they will pull the movie off when there's literally nothing for them to act.

[@joeclaridy]

So.......it's basically Highlander: Diverse Mercenary Edition!?

[@TheGouliat]

Not even that. Its a Shallow action flick with about 20 mins of interesting story sprinkled over 2 hours

[@joeclaridy]

@@TheGouliat sounds like all movies post 2016

[@dezznutz3743]

Im not a big fan of Highlander, but after seeing the Old Guard, Id have to say its basically an insult to compare the Highlander to this piece of crap. Drinker did to have a control group, per se, to compare this heap to, but I would say replace Highlander and make it Immortals: Diverse Mercenary Edition.

[@redkinggm8077]

Sure if you've never seen highlander.

[@prachetasnayse9709]

yes

[@jonathanmcdaniel1040]

Convoluted Premise: check Mary Sue Heroines: check Diversity: check Relativistic Ethos: check White Male Villain: check Unthinking Minions: check Inconsistent Phenomena: check Convenient Plot Points: check Not offensive to ChiComs: check We got ourselves a blockbuster here.

[@AmericanWithTheTruth]

😂

[@spockboy]

Well articulated sir. : )

[@Fifthmiracle]

Not sure about the CihiComs they don't like the gays or blacks and this film has both. Lesbian lead, nah this won't be welcome there.

[@lostsoul2508]

You forgot diversity hire than starts evil then turns good

[@benjamintherogue2421]

Not to mention the only traitor on the team is the singular straight white guy, who is then replaced by the black chick.

[@halley4032]

I feel that 'The Old Guard' was missing 2 vital ingredients: 1 - It needed a French actor to play the Scotsman 2 - it also needed a Scottish actor to play the Spaniard. Had the director followed this tried and test method, the film would have been a classic, Oscar winning, masterpiece 😂😂

[@TylerInTraining]

And a crab to play the Russian villain. lol

[@DarrenJSeeley]

Technically, it is a Scotsman playing an Egyptian. Highlander said that some immortals have odd dialects because over centuries, they come from 'lots of different places'. Still, your point is well taken.

[@reikun86]

@@TylerInTraining Heh heh

[@halley4032]

@Guacamole Waffles Absolutely ha ha ... Highlander 2 must be the most bizarre sequel ever made ... having almost zero connection with the original. Incredible what they churned out with such a great cast onboard .... worthy of some kind of award for incompetence 😂😂

[@thefallenfaith1986]

@@halley4032 I have heard that the sequel repurposed an original script that was never supposed to have anything to do with the Highlander franchise/intellectual property, and was supposed to be its own movie. Don't know how true that is, though. If I were a filmmaker, I'd like to get my hands on the original script, as it was before it was repurposed, and make a movie out of it the way it was supposed to be. Then again, I would also remake crap movies with good concepts, like Hudson Hawk, so my films probably wouldn't make any money and I wouldn't get work.

[@liamnoone9381]

Charlize is raising her son Jackson as a girl since he said he was one at the age of three. My son told me at that age he was Superman. And that is precisely how he was brought up.

[@dvidfmar]

Ah just like John Money raised his kids. Perfection.

[@robertblume2951]

On a farm in Kansas?

[@danteedmunds1820]

Ah, Brightburn was a true story....jokes

[@garytwinem5275]

She's changing his name to Wokeson as well.

[@cymond]

You seriously believe she's raising her child because of something they said ONCE? Age 3 was probably the first time of many.

[@Valkbg]

So Andy embodies toxic masculinity with her stoic nature and that she decides everything with violence?

[@kingdon7795]

According to people since it's a woman doing such things she's always right even if she isn't but it's the opposite for men.

[@Mysikrysa]

You would expect immortal people with hundreds of years of experiences to become wise and creative in finding better solutions than violence in every situation.

[@IRMentat]

No, she personifies the “perfect” Hollywood female, basically an 80s action movie star with a woman’s head and build. With none of the charm or wit.

[@kingdon7795]

@@IRMentat no she doesn't. And even if she does we won't appreciate it because nowadays women are insulting male action stars and the thing called ACTION itself by inventing words such as toxic masculinity and blah blah blah blah while they themselves enjoy seeing men flex muscles and punch bad guys. I won't appreciate women anymore because honestly I have had enough of shameless hypocrisy from most women and I won't tolerate it anymore. Consider this as being even.

[@calemr]

@@IRMentat Not only have we moved on by 40 years, they would be considered shit even then. Empty Mary Sues. Like Steven Seagal.

[@walterwhiteboy4257]

I miss the good old days where they didn’t have an agenda other than entertaining the paying movie goers.

[@juzujuzu4555]

That day was about 80 yrs ago. Obviously there were lots of films with pure artistic vision all the way up to 90s. But Hollywood has been build on social engineering since at least after the WW2. They just were better at doing it, or there were other reasons why it wasn't so obvious

[@redlightmax]

It's the same agenda - but as movies have become more of an international business, Hollywood's adapted by making movies that entertain more demographics. There's no big conspiracy, they just wanna sell tickets, same as usual.

[@juzujuzu4555]

@@redlightmax Yes there is a grand conspiracy and it has been there from the start. Hollywood is about social engineering. Freemasons etc. occultists are being used to usher the new world and it's insane customs. Entertainment and fashion industry are the most used industries for brainwashing, and it sure has done it's magic. The last 50yrs was leaked 50yrs ago. Pretty much everything has gone precisely as said, and the book was detailed.

[@geraq0]

@@redlightmax if Hollywood really wanted to sell tickets they wouldn't be releasing flop after flop. They are creatively bankrupt, they just don't care anymore if a movie does well, all they care about now is sending "the message".

[@ap.2861]

they had agendas in the good old days, and convoluted fucked up ones at that in some cases, but it was executed so much better. there's a reason good propaganda is so effective ; you can't tell it's propaganda.

[@kaczynski2333]

"...a waste of two hours of your time." That's where you're wrong, I lasted 5 minutes (not exaggerating).

[@samuelperezgarcia]

He wasn't talking about your sex life, though.

[@mazevlad2263]

@@samuelperezgarcia man came to kill , got vaporized

[@theincrediblex273]

@Aditya I 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥👨‍🚒👨‍🚒👨‍🚒👨‍🚒👨‍🚒👨‍🚒💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀

[@samuelperezgarcia]

@@mazevlad2263 oh yeah, that "no u" retort was clever. xD

[@anthonybrett]

@Aditya I "In fact he was talking about yours" lol Slam fuckin dunk!

[@SaintChase85]

Yet again, another movie that is more focused on "THE MESSAGE". Exactly what I thought.

[@jeremyjames7009]

All you gotta do is look at the movie posters now. Diverse cast? No thanks.

[@threeheadedragon1989]

It was a meh movie too

[@zenituragaming5043]

@@jeremyjames7009 oh no a diverse cast white male genocide WTF

[@johnvermintide]

Idc abt the message jst make a great story

[@Yodalemos]

It was actually a pretty fun movie

[@gregsimoes8645]

I was thinking today that the biggest problem with the woke culture of today is that 20 years ago, we'd have just watched this and either liked it or shrugged and considered it standard B-movie shlock. But after several years of being told that we need "representation" have merely endured movies where they are not the lead leaves me feeling like ANY movie that doesn't have a heterosexual, white male as the lead is clearly not FOR me and is obviously a micro-aggression toward me. Which begs the question, WHY should I watch these movies? Twenty years ago it was just assumed that Angelina Jolie or Halle Berry or other great actresses could carry a movie simply because they were great actresses. But if we need to have a movie headlined by Brie Larson to fight back against the patriarchy, then why should I ever watch a movie not targeted to me no matter the capability of the lead, since its clearly just meant to put me down like all the cinema of the 20th century did for everyone else.

[@Jesujej]

woke means it has people different than me

[@susanwojcickisnicetwin]

Exactly. A good character is a good character regardless of any immutable characteristics. I don't need someone to look like me to like them, regardless of what the current narrative tells us.

[@Jesujej]

@@susanwojcickisnicetwin boob model from the seventies are based unnatural hair people from 2000's are woke n broke

[@rickrogan2355]

@@Jesujej then by that definition EVERY MOVIE EVER MADE IS WOKE.

[@Jesujej]

@@rickrogan2355 you figured it out!

[@batmann6755]

You know what's funny, the namesake of the show, "the old guard", were Napoleon's most experienced and hardened soldiers. So that point about them fighting at waterloo would make for a much more interesting story.

[@c99kfm]

This sounds like a decent premise of a series. We start following the "fresh" immortal through his or her first death, then once she realizes her immortality, "the old guard" pops in, say mid-second episode. Have every episode start with five minutes of flash-back to past times for one of "the old guard", setting up some character hook for the episode to resolve, and you have yourself a (potentially) decent ensemble action-drama.

[@morganseppy5180]

Basically, the Highlander series....

[@c99kfm]

@@morganseppy5180 :grin:

[@aguyfromnothere]

Worked for Arrow for a few episodes.

[@galvanizeddreamer2051]

Watch or read Ajin. It's not exactly that same premise, but it does have similar concepts.

[@rickpresley63]

That was the sense I got watching it - that it was a pilot for a series.

[@martinez5566]

I forgot having ever seen this. The most memorable thing about it was evil business guy being Harry Potter's cousin. Dudders lost a fair but of weight, around the same as 2 average human males, give or take.

[@chiefr9627]

He was also the man without limbs in Buster Scruggs.

[@jonbaxter2254]

He looks pretty trim nowadays, Good for him

[@artur5308]

Also the religious psycho in Devil all the time

[@terrylandess6072]

Thanks. I wondered why that pudding face looked familiar.

[@carinadominguez22]

No wonder he looks so inbred.

[@Chris-vz7en]

What also bothers me about this and most every other movie with immortal, ancient (or at hundreds of years old) beings is how their characters are portrayed. This gang looks and behaves every bit the hip and trendily dressed bunch of actors they are; no depth or sense of weight to their personas.

[@gianthand8130]

Wonder Woman and Thor are exceptions.

[@sup9542]

So many actors don't even try to act anymore. They are just "influencers" doing self promotion.

[@goncaloferreira6429]

how would you portrait that sense of weitght?

[@vla1ne]

@@goncaloferreira6429 ever watch doctor who?

[@goncaloferreira6429]

@@vla1ne no.

[@crossjay]

The best thing about this movie is that it indirectly made me want to watch 'Highlander' for the first time (through this video), and read some Vampire Chronicles novels again for Anne Rice's interesting handling of the immortality conundrum.

[@Zephirite.]

Same.

[@JeffreyDeCristofaro]

It's pretty hard to top HIGHLANDER as the ultimate immortals-dueling-throughout-history fantasy film.

[@BunkerAnon]

Not everyone can have a Kurgan

[@christanner8765]

Well said, it is THE immortals duelling throughout history film! Despite Sean Connery delivering the best ever Scottish Spaniard accent evar lol

[@LividCreature]

Even Mortal Kombat 1996?

[@zenituragaming5043]

Yeah plus unlike this movie it has a male lead so it's automatically better

[@ryry187]

Drinker needs to review Highlander 2

[@zirconiumdiamond1416]

"a bunch of promising elements that fail to coalesce into a satisfying whole" - That exactly hits on the head why I have given up on Netflix Originals. After about the third show in a row where I thought "great premise, a few great moments, but I am simply not entertained after giving it 4 episodes" I'm just not convinced that the Netflix way of doing things actually works.

[@deathstrike]

It's like Netflix has an understudy going for "we want to give you A class entertainment, but we only want to spend B money". Why does this movie feel like Dollar Store potato chips?? Good in small doses, but better keep the Pepto nearby. It could have been a decent reboot of the Highlander providing it umm had someone who could actually write? Like with Charlize Theron, it was such a waste again of a good premise. She was good in Aeon Flux, but the movie itself, well if your an Aeon Flux fan, you would understand. It's something a fan will deny EVER existed.

[@kappazo2268]

It’s not just Netflix, it”s every new TV show these days - some kind of “original” idea and plot device that looks promising. But then the show doesn’t go anywhere and the characters are wooden with no development.

[@hanskloss7726]

I think this goes for any media company these days. They are woke to the core and incompetent too. They still manage to produce something from to time. First season of punisher was OK. Second a bit too woke but watchable to certain point. But this all is diluted in a sea of crap.

[@jokurandomi93]

@@hanskloss7726 Haven't seen the show so tell me: How one makes the fucking Punisher woke?

[@hanskloss7726]

@@jokurandomi93 one may think that would be impossible or? as said first season is ok. The second has ideological undertones there is one of main characters that is definitely woke and then one of the main villains wants to hunt the little creature. It is ok to watch and they do not exaggerate till now (I am somewhere in the middle now). Better than the old guard for sure. Also this superhero thing gets boring of late. A character that hardly suffers does not exist. Is like CD says: when you are this much off the mass of humanity and you are still a human you suffer and that is visible. But I wanted to say this: woke is not poking its finger into your eye than it is watchable. old guard is cringe because it does that but also because it has a bad script. Woke is just another annoyance.

[@MultiAlanR]

Is that all actresses are taught in acting school these days, how to look pissed off and how to beat up scores of men? Lesson one: Look with contempt at any white man you meet. Lesson two: assault same white man if he looks at you wrong. Lesson three: Don't show any emotion that might reveal you're not perfect in every way.

[@zoeadkins9095]

I certainly feel empowered.

[@myrtle1234]

They also learn to prolong their flagging careers by giving their sunderage kiddoze shex altering shormones and then publicizing it. Good for a new five movie deal and Oscor nom.

[@andrewlaco1776]

And they get stronger with each abortion and failed relationship!

[@johnnyskinwalker4095]

@@andrewlaco1776 😂

[@carlh-thehermitwithwi-fi679]

"diverse rookie immortal" Well, there goes the neighborhood. Woke "immortals" wanting "equity" Well, that sounds like "kill it with fire, if that fails, remove the head"

[@atomicdancer]

The Critical Drinker is the moon when we're lost in darkness, and warmth when we shiver in cold, and his reviews still thrill us, even after 3 years. His glass overflows with the whisky of which this world is not worthy of. I love this man beyond measure and reason (he's not my boyfriend)

[@kylelarson7840]

That's exactly what "Not-Tatiana" would say, atomic"dancer"

[@Ravishrex1]

If you're not gay you say no homo at the end. Have a beer

[@iaincameron8056]

Though you wish...

[@UnitSe7en]

Is he all those things? Are you incapable of judging these things for yourself? You require him to tell you how to feel? Hmm?

[@benvinew6465]

The random immortal stoppage was only a thing so that diverse minority rookie could own the bad guy, be more bad ass than the baddest bad ass over multiple centuries, and save the day. That's the ONLY reason for that being a thing.

[@morganseppy5180]

she wasn't bad ass, tho, and was fairly new to the army, too. it WAS a way to get a rookie involved, for sure. but bum-rushing a dude out a window is not "more bad ass" than anyone in that movie, esp. since Andie had just did an awesome move to bury an axe in bad guys neck. no reason to bumrush him at all, he was dead already.

[@Elricsedric]

Exactly just looks so corny just to make it "diverse"

[@HammyXs]

@@morganseppy5180 she can just kick him out, wasn't make anything different.

[@carljohan9265]

Ajin did immortality mixed with evil scientists much better, and FAR more harrowing.

[@benvinew6465]

@@morganseppy5180 You have got to be kidding me. You think slashing somebody with an axe is more epic than barn storming your way to an enemy and plowing him through a plate glass window 10's of stories up from the ground and then making him fall to his death because the person doing this happens to be immortal. Did you see her wiping out all the people with her gun....and YOU are the one saying she was new to the army, but yet she's kicking ass just as good as these people who have been professional killers for centuries. So yeah, Andie may have killed him, but minority diversity rookie REALLY killed him. Because reasons.

[@quigley6643]

So tired of the “small & skinny woman kicks huge men in the ass” trope.. This is a movie made for a Schwarzenegger / Van Damme type.

[@psychonaut5921]

The other day I saw the ending of the (I think) 3rd John Wick movie, where after killing like 300 people, he comes up against this tiny little "tough wahman" with a stereotypical look of superiority. But when they fight, he pretty much just picks her up and throws her around! That was so refreshing to see! Way to go, John!

[@psychonaut5921]

@Buff Ryze Riot Oh, ok, thanks!

[@thedarknesscallingme]

"But wait it turns out they're immortal" * intense groans of how predictably sh*t this is going to be intensifies *

[@Lttlemoi]

Why would a highly experienced mercenary walk around with a discount Gimli axe prop as a weapon?

[@rockinHurley777]

Right?!🤣

[@gotrix2965]

Maybe she is nostalgic, and has superstrenght to swing it with ease... Idk , maybe they thought it looked cool or something.

[@thefallenfaith1986]

Look up "rule of cool" at tvtropes. Not that anything in this low budget shitshow movie looked cool or badass. Theron was even the requisite butch looking wahman, all she needed was the side of her head shaved. The ancient flashback scenes looked like something out of a Sam Raimi show like Xena. It was just a mainly dull and boring looking, sometimes ugly looking movie.

[@arkeshn729]

Throwing knives, combat knives, hunting knives, hell even pantera claws are easier to carry around.

[@ailouros24]

what bothers me is that it is not historical, or i should say not a common historical design. it looks fake even to people not familiar with historic weapons. in contrast, the highlanders katana and claymore are two of the most iconic weapons in cinema.

[@louisduarte8763]

"So the rest of the plot can happen" is the Drinker's unofficial catchphrase, behind "That's all I got fer today; go away now!"

[@glebbokhan9777]

answering the "how" by the "because" was also brilliant

[@SheldonAdama17]

And “nah it’ll be fine”

[@audrablue515]

I love “fuck off film!”

[@swamisalami3000]

The first Highlander got it so right. You really felt that Connor lived a long life. You could see it in his face and demure. I loved the back and forth in time where you see his life and the gerat losses he had.

[@reikun86]

Crap. Now I want to watch Highlander. :)

[@Gainn]

You can see the weight of history crushing him. Often it's what he doesn't say that makes it more tangible.

[@swamisalami3000]

@@Gainn Just the way he looks. His eyes. There's a lot of pain in them. He's just looks tired of living. This was made when people actually knew how to write and act characters. It didn't matter of it was a big or low budget movie. They knew how to make them and make them connect

[@Antihero297]

Yep, and Who wants to live forever by Queen works perfectly as the soundtrack to what you described.

[@ionga]

There's this manga called Ajin with a very similar premise: The Ajin are people who regenerate from ANY form of death, including literal disintegration (which is actually used in a very clever way). And unlike in this movie, people DO find ways to counter the Ajin by arming themselves with tranquilizers. And it works... for a while. You see, one of the villanous Ajin kills himself when he gets shot with tranquilizers, which "resets" him to a state without it. This in turn has the protagonists looking for new ways to take him down, while the antagonist keep figuring out ways to deal with them. Seriously, if anyone enjoyed the premise, try to read the manga (anime is meh thanks to the animation).

[@vla1ne]

I forgot about that manga. I gotta catch up to it. Side note, did the anime have that plane scene?

[@81stCommander]

It's better than this crap, has great animation but it suffers from the typical over-explaining everything that you often get in anime. The characters describe everything we're watching like we're either blind or a complete moron who can understand what we're watching. It annoyed me so much I had to turn it off.

[@doonglerules]

@@vla1ne Had to be cut for mildly obvious reasons. What they end up doing in the anime is actually even funnier, but i'll leave that for you to watch

[@creamboyfuengshwei]

Just read it again. It's fucking awesome lmao

[@tameriz1280]

Sato's plot armour was thick as fuck, but god was it entertaining. Absolutely love this manga too.

[@calvin5541]

The most compelling part of this movie was when Andy and quynn (the friend/romantic interest) got caught and quynn got put in the iron cage and thrown to the bottom of the ocean. I remember being totally floored watching that, like holy shit this movie went hardcore, but then it returned to the boring stuff.

[@odin1185]

It's just stolen bootstrap bills story from pirates.

[@ptonpc]

That was the best bit story wise. Imagine drowning then coming back to life just to drown all over again. In the cold dark water. For hundreds of years. There were plenty of other moments that could have been just as impactful. Instead of the immortal dying in the past, what if it had been one of Andie's friends, someone she's known for hundreds of years who dies in the present? Then she has that trauma and the bad guy to deal with.

[@meatpuppet5036]

Even that plotline was done before. In Highlander.

[@GigglingStoners]

Too bad they ruined it with the sequelbait scene

[@stevenscott2136]

Would you even wake up? With no oxygen to support consciousness (or anything else), I think she'd only keep resurrecting on a basic cellular level and dying without ever having the resources for anything near human-level brain activity.

[@RainBird88x]

Seems like Highlander: the Source is no longer the worst in the franchise!.

[@Jesujej]

cannot win when the franchise is

[@DMF121]

🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@edmundt.buckley6858]

@Suddenly How many sock puppets do you have?

[@dikkie1000]

That's because highlander 2 - the quickening doesn't exist. There can be only one movie.

[@JamesRDavenport]

Boom. At least The Source has Methos. He makes immortal movies fresh.

[@noahmercy-mann4323]

Sums up my exact feelings on the movie. Why did the 80s/90s action blockbusters work so much better? No forced same-sex relationships, not shot with brown filters to create "mood", no arbitrary diversity- although a glance at the cast of, say, "Predator" shows it wasn't lacking back then, and plots that were straightforward enough they didn't require 75% of the movie to explain (and left fewer potential holes).

[@sleepykitty8918]

Predator was so cool! It's what got me into action movies :) Too bad the series went bad. Now I just feel sad when I see there's a new one. Same with Terminater :(

[@OHCAM5]

how is the guys relationship "forced"? if it was a man and a woman saying the exact same thing you wouldn't think twice about it. This group is pretty diverse but the black woman is pointed out, why? You can find plotholes in predator if you look at it as hard as he is looking at The Old Guard.

[@HammyXs]

I didn't even realize that duo was gay till they kissed, no chemistry no eye-contact no nothing leading up for me to think that. They just suddenly kissed and babbling that dialogue I was like 'Fuck! not another woke shit'. Can't they just make some simple side story about their love and put it somewhere in the movie ?.

[@TheMoose126]

@@HammyXs they had that blue checkmark

[@americana9692]

@@HammyXs The exact point I stopped trying to watch this piece of garbage.

[@foxboydragon9608]

Funny enough I recently wrote up a backstory for a character that has a vaguely similar premise. To make a way too long story short I based the story on the one of Galahad, the perfect knight that found the Holy Grail. However, expanding on it (it is a parody after all), I made it so that Galahad was part of a group of five, representing various nations and ethnicities on the search. They found the Grail, Galahad drinks from it, goes to heaven, etc. However, when the rest try to drink, they had to split it as there was no more water. One gets cursed with absolute immortality, one heals all wounds, one has a happy life, and one gets trapped in the temple where they found it. Of course I made the curses rather ironic, the popular happy knight got a lifetime of happiness, the knight without any major injuries healed them all, immortality is a curse in of itself in the long run, and the knight most out of their element was trapped in the temple. Immortal knight helps the one trapped to live out life comfortably, they eventually die, he goes off to his home and goes back to being a knight. Goes through several world conflicts, yadda yadda.

[@catstac2542]

Have you considered publishing it somewhere? As part of a book with short stories or as a standalone online? It sounds very interesting. I'd happily read it.

[@foxboydragon9608]

@@catstac2542 I might make it a Fanfiction series, as I'm just a hobbyist writer, but it will have to be seen.

[@JamesMcCormickIV]

"If I were a cynical man..." Best joke in this episode.

[@TAGGARTPSN]

@Suddenly CANCER.

[@Jesujej]

if I were a rich man laadidaadidaa

[@haku8135]

Beings that live for centuries have a fundamentally different view of existence. Making them the same as regular people is the BIGGEST mistake you can make for a movie like this.

[@elewoo7131]

In the comic Andy doesn't lose her power it's just in the movie literally almost nothing like the comic just a really bad adaptation that takes the names and concept that's it

[@ainternet239]

I think if I was an immortal being imbued with the maturity and wisdom that a lifetime of thousands of years would bring .... I'd have better things to do than run around playing soldiers with my mates. But Hollywood sure has a hardon for these super-assassin films, especially when the protagonist is female, or black, or both

[@HunterSThompson123]

Tbf it's incredibly hard to write ancient immortal characters. Most fail horribly, especially when it's vampires. It's just not something most people can imagine and you probably need a master in clinical psychology do manage an accurate portrayal.

[@infiniteyep]

@@HunterSThompson123 I mean: you could at least TRY. As a writer exploring a cohort of immortal characters SHOULD be the most interesting part of the story. There are traditions, rituals, psychological and sociological anomalies. Honestly, you could provide that as a starting point to any undergraduate creative writing class and I'm confident you'd get at least one bizarrely compelling take from a group of a dozen students.

[@quantumaxe6468]

Have you seen Man from Earth?

[@MrFallenone]

Imagine being so dumb that even after thousands of years ... you still have to risk your skin on dangerous missions... I would be tanning on a private island as would any person with their powers who is not braindead.

[@HunterSThompson123]

@@infiniteyep Of course you can try. I'm just saying that it's really hard as it demands a lot of knowledge on various fields or else you end up with shit like this or basically 90% of all vampire movies or shows where their age and experience is just measured in suffering while they don't grow at all, still make the same impulsive and rash decisions, have the same value system or use the same strategies for war even after 1000 years of life experience.

[@MrEmpirestate714]

"Diverse rookie immortal" has me rolling

[@Skullduggerydodo]

Oooh god , why do strong female characters always have " the haircut "

[@sexgod57able]

I'm sorry about the Teela thing Skeletor. You still rock!

[@Skullduggerydodo]

@@sexgod57able MYAH them pesky woman with there strong impowerment hair cut

[@rowanmelton7643]

Because Woke people are as sexist as they are racist. They think the only way a woman can be strong is by being as masculine as possible

[@Skullduggerydodo]

@@rowanmelton7643 high five , I just live hearing from others who haven't fallen under the woke spell

[@gianthand8130]

Wonder Woman has long hair and not "the haircut" that you are talking about.

[@naga4660]

Could you do another episode of "Production Hell" on Sean Connery´s last movie "The League of extraordinary gentlemen"?

[@milton7763]

Was that his last movie!? Man that makes me sad!

[@546people]

I never knew that it was his last film. I enjoyed league of extraordinary gentlemen. I enjoyed finding forester too. I’m a sucker.

[@asm42]

@@546people you're the man now dog!

[@ChimpRiot]

That was still a better Avengers team.

[@brownyoda5230]

That Quynh character's "death" haunted me for days ....I actually had a nightmare of getting tied to a open casket and being thrown into sea while dying every 20 seconds and getting reborn... While I was watching movie... for the first time I felt sad for all the police force and military force that got killed by these "heroes" and they don't shed a drop of regret for the dead...

[@johnselden9257]

That happened in The Vampire Diaries many years ago. I wonder if they knew about that. Nothing is really original anymore I guess; everything has been done.

[@spencergsmith]

@@johnselden9257 “nothing is new under the sun”

[@albinocroc]

That moment really did haunt me. I had a fear of immortality pretty much since childhood exactly for that reason; the “not being able to quit the pain” idea. I always thought I was just being a silly child but finding out other people had the same idea was really quite disturbing haha

[@brownyoda5230]

@@albinocroc "not being able to quit pain" is the perfect way to put it 😂

[@adnhdr4319]

@@johnselden9257 also in Angel saison 4

[@JohnDoe-nq4du]

Early on in the movie, Theron's character introduces herself to newbie as "Andromache of Scythia", it just took me right out of the story, and my immersion never did manage to recover from that. It was bad enough that a character who grew up in ancient Scythia would have called themselves a Scythian (the vaguely derogatory Greek name for them), rather than Scoloti or by the name of their particular tribe, but expecting us to believe that someone who looks like Charlize Theron was a Scoloti was just downright ridiculous; they may as well have cast Samuel L Jackson to play a Romani, then have him introduce himself as a "gypsy". Joe calling himself "Saracen" isn't great, either, but is a bit more excusable than the Scoloti/Scythian thing, as he was trying to explain things to someone who probably learned the history of the Crusades from European "historians", and it's a term she'd recognize; Andy calling herself "Scythian" came up in a circumstance without such justification. (Yea, the issue with "gypsy" having originated as a racial slur is actually a thing with pretty much every name commonly used by English speakers for historical cultures from outside Western Europe, and even for some from within Western Europe; dunno why only "gypsy" gets any recognition or attempted improvement.)

[@kanjakan]

This seems very nitpicky and would only affect someone who knows the history behind these things. I, for one, didn't even know what Scythia was or whether it was even a real place.

[@varunvibhakar7372]

This is actually quite interesting. I didn't know about this.

[@turtek12]

This actually raises a further question--why does she have so obviously Greek a name (one meaning, if I'm not mistaken, "fighter of men"--subtlety, thy name is feminism!) if she's a Scythian?

[@Evghenios79]

@@turtek12 Andromache is an ancient Greek name, but it doesn't mean fighter of men (despite what google and Wikipedia may tell you). There is a subtle difference. It means, "someone who fights like a man" (basically a woman who can fight as good as a man). So, yeah, woke all the way.

[@turtek12]

@@Evghenios79 Thanks for the clarification! Still subtle as a flying mallet, though.

[@jonathanvallee8779]

Hard to believe that Origins: Wolverine had a better historical montage of Logan and Sabertooth than this film...

[@jonathand.4088]

That montage is the best part of Origins Wolverine

[@lonewolf9578]

I honestly didn’t think Origins was that bad up until the part with deadpool towards the end, plus it’s weird that Emma frost was there too

[@beregondibram2985]

@@jonathand.4088 ot was glorious indeed

[@maxvosper9420]

Agreed. Also the terrible wolverine movie set in japan where he saves the guy from the nuclear blast was cooler then this movie.

[@booshmcfadden7638]

@@maxvosper9420 That one scene is better than this whole movie.

[@Excalibur01]

The trend of having female leads take male names is right up there with female leads acting like men.

[@Ruiluth]

It's completely baffling to me why the goal of modern feminism is to turn women into men. No celebration of the strengths of women, or the unique traits they have, no, they just want to turn into men. It's so weird.

[@Excalibur01]

@@Ruiluth It's a fetish. Whoever writes these stories don't believe in feminism.

[@Excalibur01]

@@Ruiluth It's the same question is why can't 2 guys just be good friends? brothers? They HAVE to be gay because there are gay people in the world. You MUST have lesbians. Why can't a writer just have a choice to not write them in their stories? Without malice. If I want to write a story and I just happened to not put certain people in it, it's not racist or sexist or whatever pobhic.

[@pauloforever12]

​@@Excalibur01 the question is: Why can't they be gay? i think you dont like it because they're not ambiguous/vague with their relationship...there are so many movies with brothers/friends in these type of movies you can watch instead if that's what you're looking for...so what if they want to put gay guys in there that's still a choice right? whether or not there are homosexuals isnt the problem tbh props to them for having gay guys have major roles in an ACTION movie.

[@Excalibur01]

@@pauloforever12 It's a writer's choice. It's not "why can't they be". A story is not real life. It's a fantasy and everything you put in there or leave out serves a purpose. In real life, if you know a gay person, you never ask...why are you gay. This is the real world you live in. But in a story, EVERYTHING has a purpose to it. If someone makes a character gay, it's just as purposeful as stories that has no gays or stories without romances. You're championing a writer's right to be inclusive because they SHOULD. I'm championing a writers right to write whatever they want and if they didn't include every type of person, it's not a spite on those people. If a story is missing people YOU prefer, that's the same excuse you just gave me. You can watch OTHER films, shows, or read other books that have what you prefer. Movies like this are check box movies. As The Drinker has been pointing out. He skipped over the gay immortals because at this point, it's not even fair. It's like how token blacks used to be pointed out. Gays are now the tokens.

[@TheMaleRei]

So, Highlander, Expendables, John Wick - but the worst aspects of those three, and none of the positives or charm?

[@Gainn]

Bit of Suicide Squad and Equilibrium for good measure.

[@gotrix2965]

And charismatic Actors.

[@thegreatergood8081]

And a bunch of gay love

[@smoberley]

"The good parts aren't original, and the original parts aren't good." Can't remember who said it. haha

[@supremeobliterator]

@@smoberley Very well sais Steve

[@trixstermillion2190]

DAYUM, I actually had this on my watch list for some reason, maybe a well-edited trailer, but now I think for the very first time the Drinker has completely saved me from wasting my time, and since time is money, friend, this has been well worth the price.

[@justforever96]

Time is money if you are actually using it productively. If you are sitting on your couch watching movies, your time probably isn't worth anything, you are already losing that time that you could be using to earn money, its already a net loss, so unless you are going to go work some overtime instead now, it doesn't matter. Although that quote actually just applies to operations. It matters if it takes twice as long to assemble a component, because you are paying the workers by the hour, and do it makes sense to pay for machines to make it faster, because time is money. That doesn't mean all time is automatically money. Although it's all _potentially_ valuable if you don't waste it. You never get your time back, once it's gone it's gone and you won't have that opportunity to go to something again, even if you think you will.

[@oleksii8182]

I like that almost NO movie in recent history ever shows what a headshot looks like. Because it's freaking graphic, that's why. An AK-type projectile will effectively make your head look like a broken egg unless there's a helmet containing the mushy bits.

[@dcrowell276]

Pete Davidson looks about right in The Suicide Squad

[@31446963048]

@@dcrowell276 seeing davidson die in the trailer is what convinced me to watch it

[@oleksii8182]

@@dcrowell276 as I said, almost.

[@sleepykitty8918]

What about a 22. Longrifle?

[@sleepykitty8918]

@Post-peak Existence Yikes. Getting shot is scarier than I thought :(

[@sardonically-inclined7645]

A lot of the flashbacks were more interesting than what was happening in the present after half-way through. I think this might have benefited from being a series, rather than a movie, focusing on each of them individually until they come together. Individual character studies, in the form of an anthology about the perspective of each person coping with the burdens and blessings of immortality throughout many different periods in human history. I would have loved that.

[@fellwind]

Like, say, Highlander?

[@anonfaceless6088]

Yes. Now that would have made it far more entertaining and enjoyable

[@SaturnPhase]

That's a great idea. I completely agree with you, because even though each character gives us some information on their lives before, the audience doesn't get an in depth character study of who they are. When you're telling a story, you have to give your audience a reason to care about your characters, a reason to be invested in them. I would have loved it had they done it that way, too.

[@carlrood4457]

One thing that bugs me about movies is the idea that every soldier is a badass hand to hand combatant proficient in all small firearms. It ignores that the vast majority of military personnel are in non combat support roles and even those in combat aren't special forces types. In fact, the goal is usually to use tactics to overcome an enemy force, not brute force. Hand to hand combat is a last resort.

[@ablethreefourbravo]

I went to Iraq twice, once as a door gunner and once as infantry. I spent ten years in the army. I trained in hand to hand combat three times during that entire period, and the only times I ever actually came close to needing it was in dealing with other Americans.

[@MrFallenone]

Imagine using melee weapons ... even as someone who cant die its fucking dumb ... unless you cant feel pain you would do everything to minimize harm to your body... Plus a shotgun is still more effective at close range than a dumbass sword or an axe ... and requires less skill to use.

[@TheMoose126]

You use what ever you have to get back to your rifle, including your pistol, we are even trained to use ANYTHING lying around the Battlefield instead of using your hands.

[@jamoecw]

@@MrFallenone well with a lifetime of practical use of a melee weapon the 'less skill to use' bit is pretty pointless (except for new immortals). a bayonet turns the weapon into a sort of improvised short african spear, so you never really have to operate without a melee weapon if you have such skills with it, though it doesn't seem nearly as badass. such a weapon is about as effective as an ax, and you still get to use a shotgun if they are 1 step further away than the range of the melee weapon (and it causes a lot more damage, can hit targets behind your target, etc.).

[@stevenscott2136]

I can maybe believe the ancient ones fight that way just to keep it interesting, but the new girl should be doing it basic infantry style. Not only because that's all she knows, but because she should be looking at the others and thinking "WTF??"

[@Xeexie]

Drinker, you’re an absolute legend mate. You’re always spot on with your criticisms and you do it in such a hilarious way. Thanks for the hours of entertainment!

[@kyanrinel5898]

Lol, of course Diverse Shady Government Guy character would end up being a good guy. Hollywood is so predictable, can’t have a black villain anymore, he’ll change sides to help humanity. It’s Finn’s character arc, as well as many other ‘diverse’ characters.

[@diogenesdacynic8656]

You CAN have a black villian, so long as he/she/florbo is fighting the patriarchy

[@fwabble]

He was OUTSTANDING in Serenity - as was that film (and series - Firefly)

[@fr3ddytv3]

What about Brixton in Hobbs and Shaw?

[@Me__Myself__and__I]

Uh, that's not the way it happens. He isn't given the choice of being a good guy, they very much force him into it.

[@rabbiama2940]

Yeah Also, Black Girl cant act to save her like A little cringy too

[@EvilDoresh]

I think they missed a point with the lack of evil immortals, both for flashbacks (a self-styled god-king commanding an army of fanatics) and the present day (a shady business man who has been building a financial empire for centuries).

[@Janx14]

Honestly I don't think they knew what to do with the concept. The idea of immortal, super old and experienced mercs, is cool. But they had no idea what story to actually tell with them.

[@barret-xiii]

@@Janx14 They don't even seem like "immortals", just clear-skinned Deadpools/clawless Wolverines with a powerful healing factor. Since their LONG time spent on earth seems to have hardly affected their personalities or the way they see the world, you could drop the "long-lived immortals" element and then you're left with generic action with nearly invincible protagonists.

[@jacktonsauron8185]

@James Patrick as drinker said " cliche screenwriting from a 13 year old tumblr user "

[@LeonBosset]

You mean a Trumpian theme.

[@tugman1234]

I feel like you can attach the subtitle "How to waste a good idea" to just about any Netflix movie.

[@Ramsey276one]

LOVE THIS XD

[@matthewhendron2725]

Or anything Netflix in general

[@somethinglikethat2176]

Bright comes to mind

[@ladyweasellou3367]

Knowing Obama is so heavily involved with them doesn't help. 🙄🤮

[@ShinzoX90]

Damn youre so edgy with this original never before heard thought.

[@Knowbody42]

Let me get this straight. You think that your client, one of the wealthiest, most powerful men in the world, is secretly a vigilante who spends his nights beating criminals to a pulp with his bare hands...and your plan is to blackmail this person? [pauses, smiles] Good luck.

[@cognitivedissidents4642]

Producer Guy: “Exposition dumps are TIGHT!”

[@dussbabasa]

Super easy, barely an inconvenience

[@giorgioguolo7196]

I need you to get all the way off my back

[@Jason-uw9ex]

Wow wow wow... wow

[@btchiaintkidding7837]

Whoopsie

[@jukser5978]

-Oops -Oppsie!

[@tdata545]

Studio Execs: "OKAY, hear me out, we're going to name our protagonist 'Andy', but like with an '-ie' instead of a '-y' since... wait for it, instead of a he, it's a she? Watch those neckbeards freak out as they have their perceptions completely shattered. AND, get this, if it flops, since you know it, and I KNOW IT, it's a bad movie; we can play the toxic masculinity and sexism card. We'll guilt tickets out of people."

[@trevorthornley8835]

How's that working out for you studio executive?

[@TallicaMan1986]

You do realize it's a graphic novel, right? Some of you folks are too stupid to criticize movies.

[@thanos43infinity]

TDATA, THIS! Also they already had Mordo and another Guard who was Black but they had to add another whamen of Representation. Everything woke turns to shit and they know it.

[@emceedoctorb3022]

@@TallicaMan1986 The fact it is a graphic novel is relevant how, exactly?

[@TallicaMan1986]

@@emceedoctorb3022 Because he acted like studio execs had anything to do with who the characters were. No. It was an adaptation they actually kept decently intact.

[@ChaoPow]

There is a Japanese manga/anime called Ajin: Demi-Human. It’s like this, but much better. I think there is also a film adaption to it as well.

[@enumaelish9193]

Ajin has one of the best antagonists I have ever seen.

[@Eduard_Moraru]

Yeah, coincidentally both seasons of it are also available on Netflix.

[@anarwally]

It's also similar to Blade of the Immortal.

[@bf6159]

The hours I've saved/gained because of these reviews!

[@danielstellmon5330]

Mr. H is also reliable.

[@hobbyable1]

Yep, the drinker takes the pain, so we don't have too.

[@francis7140]

I saw this pop up on my notifications, I instantly clicked on it without hesitation. Lmao I may be addicted to your channel now 🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@chucksenhowzen9740]

I’ve been addicted since his 2019 review of GoT

[@jeffreytroublefield4265]

Just embrace it, like a Honey colored bottle of whiskey.

[@mathewblackwell2103]

I know that feeling bud

[@jeffreytroublefield4265]

@Suddenly so relaxing.....📱💣

[@wsippel]

Funny you mentioned jumping into a jet engine just as I remembered Children of Mnemosyne, an anime about two immortal private investigators. One of them gets sucked into a turbine over the pacific at some point. It took her body many years to regrow from a tiny piece of burned meat, and she probably drowned dozens of times drifting in the ocean, but she eventually ends up at a random beach decades later. Great way to introduce a time skip, and I like that the show followed through with the premise in an almost deconstructive way.

[@wzx6x6z6w]

That show and Ajin both portrayed undying human characters 100 times better than this movie. Hollywood are just full of untalented shitty writers now.

[@ModeratelyCool]

It was so clever when a character in the Ajin manga goes into a woodchipper just to regenerate from the largest body part that he smuggled into a hard to reach place. Too bad western stuff doesn't care about cleverness lol. Man I should start reading it again

[@nunyabizniss3451]

Noticed this film getting praise on other channels. Didn't understand that at all. Thank you, Drinker, for the common sense.

[@planetdisco4821]

The best book I ever read dealing with the subject of immortality was a science fiction novel called “The boat of a million years” by Poul Anderson. It is brilliant. It traces the lives of half a dozen immortals starting off in Ancient Greece and flashing in on their lives during great moments in world history and their quest to find others like themselves. What I really liked about it is that their not super soldiers or able to magically regenerate. They are just genetically immortal, naturally immune to disease and heal quicker than normal humans. They can still be killed by a sword or bullet etc, and the ones who manage to survive for centuries, or in some cases even Millenia, are naturally cautious and therefore exceedingly hard for each other to find. It’s an absolute epic that I always wanted to see made into a movie, or better yet a big budget miniseries that God forbid, actually takes a realistic approach to a subject that has fascinated humankind since the saga of Gilgamesh.

[@TheSuperappelflap]

there's a turkish tv show called Immortals which is also pretty good, if you can stand the cheap melodrama parts that are obligatory in turkish tv and are okay with reading subtitles.

[@Mysikrysa]

This sounds interesting. Tolkien´s Elves also had to deal with their immortality. There was a part describing how Elves envy the mortals because short lifespan also means you witness less of traumatising stuff. You are not burdened with thousands of years of memories of loved ones who died in wars, kingdoms which fell and vanished etc. And when you know your life is limited, you value every day more.

[@esquilax5563]

There was The Man From Earth, a 2007 movie about a similar immortal who had been around for like 20k years. It was a fairly interesting exploration of the idea, although the writing and acting left a lot to be desired. Very low budget, it was more like a play - whole movie is the characters conversing in one location

[@daveeyes]

Yeah, Poul Anderson was a hell of a writer. I liked his werewolf/magic series.

[@macumbeiro_xx]

@@esquilax5563 I saw that movie and I found it fascinating, like you said it's very low budget so it's like reading a book, you have to use your imagination to complete the parts that are lacking.

[@america1st721]

diverse rookie immortal had to tackle evil science man out of a 10 story window that just had a huge ax chopped into his neck? Why? We all know why...

[@tyrroo]

Well, the ax was buried in his neck in the shot facing him, but when they cut to behind him, the ax was only in his shoulder

[@america1st721]

@@tyrroo either is a kill shot, but it shows the editor must have been a rookie diverse human.

[@sexgod57able]

@@america1st721 Like all writers these days. Such a shame that the talented writers will probably die off before getting another job in Hollywoke!

[@nekograce7914]

Best part about The Old Guard: they PICK UP DISCARDED GUNS!! One of the things that bugs me the most in action films is when the good guys run out of amo after slogging through tons of bad guys where they leave the amo. Freaking grab it!!!! I know it’s small but it makes sense and no one ever does it.

[@Anthonyelmio2]

That's what John Wick does

[@raifevesra581]

In their defense, why would you throw away the hero pistol that kills with one shot and never runs out of ammo?

[@stevenscott2136]

I've done so much gaming since The Plague (tm) started, I've begun getting annoyed when movie heroes don't loot the corpses and rummage through the room for crafting materials.

[@nekograce7914]

@@Anthonyelmio2 I can’t watch John Wick. I don’t like animals die. I’m a sap. My dad came home from seeing the first one and looked at me and said, “Nope”. But good to know. It’s become my biggest action flick pet peeve.

[@nekograce7914]

@@stevenscott2136 get outside. It’s not the plague. You’re doing yourself harm by staying inside. But agreed, if you have the time loot the bodies. We should put that on a shirt.

[@unrealamas]

"It's like going to the world's best strip club to talk about the economic impact of BREXIT" 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@trelane88]

I actually like this movie, but the "diverse rookie immortal" LITERALLY made me laugh out loud. Keep doing your thing, drinker.

[@bibaolaitan5189]

You say that like the diversity killed the show...

[@vincerafaelcastro5778]

I actually liked it a lot. Although I've also noticed most of Drinker's points before. But I think some of the critical points in this movie is overshadowed by its cool concept and because most parts played out really well, it played naturally. Sure I question a lot of things, but you won't think of those very much because you got sucked by the scene. Drinker has been critical for a long time so he notices this and makes a big deal out of this. But if you're an ordinary person, you'll find this movie good. I don't make a deal out of Andy's name, it's Andromache anyway, that name could be any gender. The gay couple are although too "cheesy", they appear to be likeable and doesn't even say they're gay. The new immortal is not annoying, and has a real reaction out of the things that happened to her, she's relatable in a sense that if that was me, I'd probably react the same way. The theme of the movie that (Andy's) doing good acts for humans create chain reactions that makes good acts grow exponentially is pretty cool and is a good take away lesson. I'd say that this movie is the flagship of "diverse" movies, it's good, emotionally captivating, and is not CIS gender or white degrading.

[@vincerafaelcastro5778]

Filmento did a praising out of this movie so it couldn't be that bad. It has obvious weaknesses but if you just try to not investigate too much and let yourself be absorbed by the movie, you'll see just how good it is.

[@torrancemoore6152]

She actually turned out to be a decent enough character but that name was too try-hard.

[@MrSqurk]

I enjoy the movie as well. Although it reminds me of In Time, really cool concept but so many wasted opportunities

[@JosephBastien]

Dude your cutaways are always so hilarious! That “Ooooooooh!” One makes me laugh every time! And that “don’t know” one is so great haha. Also excellent commentary as well. Keep up the good work

[@chthulu27]

Production crew: "did we subvert your expectations? " Audience: "that's one way of putting it."

[@theothersmith9570]

“How? Because we need the rest of the plot to happen.” Oh, unexplained magical deus ex machina powers are TIGHT!

[@seanh7610]

On the Quest of finding a good movie the other day, I found myself rewatching Shrek in the end. After all this time, when I watched it the first time, I have to say its a pretty good and straight forward story, like most of the old german Sagas are. And half the way through I noticed a huge similarity between Shreks story arc and Han Solos from ANH.

[@ColoradoStreaming]

I will stand by this statement when I say Shrek is a straight up masterpiece. The adult jokes they managed to weave into the dialoged the entire way through literally has me in tears laughing so hard every time I watch it.

[@geraq0]

@@ColoradoStreaming indeed it is, Shrek is enjoyable for audiences of all ages and works on many different levels. They just don't make movies like that anymore.

[@marklowther3228]

The friend in the ocean would've died every 2-3 minutes of every day for 100's of years. You'd think that she would've reached her 'life limit' by now, eh?

[@TheSchultinator]

If not gotten just crushed into paste by the pressure

[@tempo4036]

Literally all i kept thinking about back when i was watching the movie. How is it possible that Andy reached her limit before the women in the ocean

[@Mysikrysa]

She would also become bat*hit crazy. Was she bat*hit crazy in the movie?

[@Noodles.Doodles]

Maybe it's a certain number of years and not a certain number of lives. I would care more about the lore of this setting if the movie didn't look so tedious.

[@SheldonAdama17]

0:10 “A bit like the women in Dundee… I’ve had some bad nights there, let me tell you!” - The Drinker, Production Hell Island of Doctor Moreau

[@termnus77]

The Old Guard generally felt like what a Secret World movie could have been like if you threw in cosmic horrors and ancients myths and legends into the mix. The 'bees' (people who swallow a magical honey bee) are effectively immortal up to a point, as long as the body isnt completely destroyed/atomised you can be revived. Definitely a lot of wasted potential as to what they could have made it. Secret World even has a corporation that experiments on its own employees to give them supernatural abilities so they can mass produce people similar to the 'bees'

[@tacitus6384]

Just saying, lifting up your left leg, and standing on one foot, to stop an incoming round-house kick with your shin, would NOT result in simply standing there unphased...

[@ainternet239]

*unfazed

[@michaelotoole1807]

@Suddenly give it a rest.

[@Eli-Green]

that is how you block a roundhouse though

[@esquilax5563]

@@michaelotoole1807 it's a bot, just report and don't engage. Engagement could make it harder for YT to automatically spot them, not that they do a great job of that anyway

[@quietchap]

The only reason I really remember this movie is because the headcannon my friends made while watching it that Dudley Dursley from Harry Potter grew up to become an evil villain

[@TheSuperappelflap]

considering the amount of bullying he had to endure its pretty realistic.

[@KonigGustavAdolph]

The Old Guard was indeed a movie, I suppose. But it might be more accurately explained as a series of scenes comprised of people either trying top little or way too hard. Except for Chiwetel Ejiofor. He is incapable of not doing well in a role.

[@ThomB1031]

I feel the same. Redbelt is one of my favorites. Not because of checkboxes, but because the guy can act.

[@Jesujej]

muh cinema

[@morbidbushido]

And theres another one coming, A Movie about immortals with Chiwetel Ejiofor and Marky Mark. Hopefully Mark stays away from WOKE BS as hes done so far and give us a really good B-Movie.

[@kalash_nikov]

@@ThomB1031 Redbet, such an amazing movie. I watched it when it came out because it was not long after I got into BJJ and was expecting a movie about fighting, but got so much more.

[@ericrhodes5174]

cough... Lion King Remake... Cough

[@mrkiky]

- I wanna see if they're _really_ immortals - And if they are? - We let them kill our unsuspecting men, let them go and then try to capture them again, this time _with their full knowledge that we're after them_ - Brilliant, sir!

[@lebowski_dude]

When I started watching this video, I thought I hadn't seen "The Old Guard". Then I looked it up on IMDB and it turns out I rated it 5/10. Very forgettable...

[@BraxtonSharkboy]

Bwhahaha no lie I watched half of this video before it clicked in my head and I was like “oh I have seen this shit show but it was unbelievably bad I couldn’t finish it lmao”

[@lebowski_dude]

@@BraxtonSharkboy Yeah, I don't know if I made it all the way to the end, but I'm damn sure I'm not going to watch it again to find out...

[@spocko2181]

“The boat of a million years” is a book that deals with immortal characters in an interesting way.

[@kevins4213]

You totally brought back memories of days hiding in the library so I didn't have to go home

[@Tallenn]

I remember reading that, was pretty good. I should go back and read it again. As for the movie, I actually kind of liked it, but yeah, it could have been so much more.

[@feloxenosnoname6491]

HAH! Thank you so much. I knew I read this book so many years ago and couldn't think of the title.

[@valentinegonsalves7322]

I'm intrigued and will check it out. Thanks for the recommendation.

[@ainternet239]

"The Master Mariner" is an unfinished novel by Nicholas Monsarrat, featuring an immortal sailor who is around at various important (seafaring) points in history, e.g. Battle of Trafalgar

[@williamcook6742]

Regarding the horrible quotes: "Why don't you talk properly?" -- John Cleese, Fawlty Towers.

[@mrhumpty]

When the credits rolled on this, I walked into our bedroom and my wife asked me if it was good. I had told her it sounded like an awesome plot and I like Charlize (Devil's Advocate made me a lifelong fan if ya know what I mean). I told her it was kinda sad... because it was such a cool idea that could have been multiple movies or a sweet TV show... but instead it was just a scientist that wanted to know how they tick. There were at least 3 solid movies there. Or a "Streaming" series with a few solid seasons in it (going to different eras). I mean, shit, they all look the same throughout their lives. And shit, they didn't come up against someone who had tracked down their existence and had plotted to capture them by drawing them out in some amazing way or something. Na, it was a traitor. I remember saying... 'oh bullshit' out loud when he shot her. And yea, the dialog was trash. When the gay dude weirdly described his love to the henchman I remember saying, again out load, "well, he just got gayer." The scientist guy was just horribly written. As far as you described the fight scenes etc. You nailed it. I couldn't have put it to words, but it felt... too trashy/cheap. They wasted Charlize like you said. But yea, the entire concept was awesome... and utterly wasted. Should have been a series. Should have been intro'd with this arc and then gone back to WWI, WWII, Berlin Wall... so many cool things they could have brought in and done it on a decent budget. OK, no I'll go away.

[@QuayNemSorr]

Highlander is an amazing movie that I will never tire of. This one I had forgotten all about 10 minutes after I'd watched it.

[@MegaKnight2012]

And of course, the only romantic couple that can happily survive centuries together is a homosexual one, because Heaven forbid, we have a traditional husband and wife whose marriage can withstand the centuries

[@gornallbell5459]

Who cares?

[@saskiamckenna2925]

Umm what?

[@taags]

Woke points must be inserted.

[@saskiamckenna2925]

@@taags Can you people ever see a gay couple in media without immediately saying it's woke the fuck

[@DaisukiJesus]

Kinda silly, as most gay men are not monogamous.

[@gilli_e2844]

Are you telling me the 'play something' option on Netflix won't play something good?!

[@gilli_e2844]

@Suddenly oh dear

[@gabeux]

Watching this movie made me a little upset, since I was a kid I had ideas for a book which has a bunch of extremely weird similarities with The Old Guard - which I never even knew existed. From the immortality theme, to a traitor in the midst, to someone being stuck in an iron coffin, to not influencing things or going after positions of power. It pissed me off. I've never felt confident in writing it, but the more I watch Critical Drinker's videos on bad modern media can be, I feel like I have a shot at writing something interesting just as any Hollywood fucko.

[@stonechat2236]

Looks like someone wanted another movie that tried to do "cool John Wick stuff." That's where their idea ended.

[@DavidBowie-Sensei]

Pretty much especially if you consider the fact that Charlize Theron played in Atomic Blonde which attempted to copy John Wick as well

[@btotheradley1]

How is it that they managed to be on the right side of every conflict for all of existence. Like they wouldn’t have modern morals they’d likely have the morals of whatever messed up warrior culture they came from

[@TheSuperappelflap]

initially yeah but after seeing how awful and pointless most wars are, they might grow a conscience. however in that case they shouldve become pacifists instead of continuing to take sides.

[@Mysikrysa]

Exactly. This could make the story very interesing. But no, they are the good guys. Always. Because the script says so.

[@gorgit]

@@Mysikrysa didnt they say they went to those sides they felt were in the right? Not the "good" side, which most of the time doesnt even exist, since all involved parties are grey and not black or white...

[@stevenscott2136]

I find it hard to imagine that they would care. Watching centuries of human foolishness seems the surest way to create a sociopath. I would simply tell the silly mortal I was on his favorite side of any conflict he mentions, until I get his money.

[@pepepoopsonthefarright7531]

immortality that wears off? we've all got immortality that wears off, that's just mortality david mitchell in that holy grail sketch

[@Baronstone]

In the case of the character Andy, she was literally 12,000+ years old. Now I don't know about you, but I would love to have that type of immortality.

[@pepepoopsonthefarright7531]

@@Baronstone i'd get bored tbh but i see your point

[@joejackson3091]

Women giving each other "the look" and men sharing a kiss. Yup, it's a Netflix Original all right.

[@Dat_Jonx]

Also _strong female haircut_ on the main role and young white guy villian that looks like loser rather than real villain.

[@M1GarandMan3005]

🤢🤮

[@strikingitrich7630]

loooooooool

[@phoebe8705]

The old guard is actually based from the original comics of the same name. There are actually same sex relationships there

[@joejackson3091]

@@phoebe8705 - And that's probably the only reason Netflix picked it up.