The Pain of Outgrowing Friendships That Aren't Good for You

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Are you wondering if you should end your friendship?I Grab my FREE GUIDE on 7 signs of Codependent Relationships - counselingrecovery.lpages.co/codependent-relationship-freebie/

[@misfitted4874]

Me too. They get mean, jealous, and competitive, especially when you are loyal and good to them. Took me years to realize I was a people pleaser and prisoner of my loyalty! No more!

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Thanks for watching. It may be time to do another video on friendship :)

[@deborahwolff5651]

Same

[@MichelleFarrismft]

@@deborahwolff5651 I'm so glad you found my video!

[@MichelleFarrismft]

@@ΜΑΡΙΑΚΑΛΟΓΕΡΑΚΗ-τ5ν yes, that happens a lot. Great awareness!

[@marytal8236]

Oh my gosh exactly what happened to me!

[@lindahartranft9135]

I recently had to end a friendship of 47 years. We “clicked”right away after we met, however, my husband & I moved an hour away a few months later. For all those years, we wrote letters & would meet for a meal & talk for hours every few months. Once a year we would go on a trip to the Jersey shore for a couple days. What ended it? My husband & I moved back into the area-within walking distance of this friend. Pretty much immediately, I began to see a side of her I never knew existed. She trampled boundaries that I assumed every courteous person recognized. She did it with a smile & sweet words. I kept making excuses for her in my mind for about 3 years, until I couldn’t anymore. Also, when I would gently attempt to tell her what she was doing, she would gaslight me-she would never address or admit anything, but would very subtly throw it back on me. I came to realize that had we never moved, very likely this woman & I would have remained acquaintances who pleasantly see one another from time to time, and perhaps go to lunch once in a while. We never would have begun to consider one another “best friend”. For many months, I wondered how she could have changed so much; but in time, I realized I never really knew her. In a way, we were like people going on dates, who see only the “best self” of the other individual, and you draw conclusions and frame the person in your mind based on that. I miss my “old friend,” but I had to come to the conclusion that she really never existed. It took moving into closer proximity to reveal the truth.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Oh Linda, I can so relate to your story. Sometimes we think we know people and we really don't - I had something similar happen where the other person admitted after she ended the friendship that they called me only out of obligation and I had no idea. It took me years to realize I had missed some important messages she had given me that I dismissed. Huge, painful lesson but ultimately worth it. How are you doing now?

[@suef5417]

I can relate to this as well.

[@lindahartranft9135]

I’m fine. At times I think back and realize that during the times we spent extended time together, there were red flags, but I made excuses about it. I still can hardly believe it that I was so mistaken. It’s sad.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

@@lindahartranft9135 I know it IS sad but I'm so glad you got through it well. That says a lot about the work you've done!

[@lindahartranft9135]

@@MichelleFarrismft I am seeing this in May 2023. She recently sent me a text, bright and cheery, saying I didn’t have to reply, but that she missed having me in her life, that she hoped I was well, and that she prayed for me and my family. You may have immediately seen the problem. She is still not acknowledging she did anything for which I had reason to be unhappy. She wants to just pick up where we left off like nothing happened. But if she doesn’t acknowledge that she doesn’t know where she ends & I begin, we are going to have the same problems. She may wonder if I miss her; I do, but I miss the person I thought she was. I’m considering writing back via snail mail. I can’t meet with her though she lives 2 min from me by car, because she will be all bright and friendly and gaslight me all the way. I don’t think she does it on purpose-I just think for some reason, she won’t think of herself critically. Michelle, I would like to hear your story too. Feel free, if you’re on there, to look me up on Facebook and send me a friend request and we can go from there. 🙂

[@NyokaCorley]

Me too, just became more of a therapy session and less fun. I held on for to long. 40 years, it’s more of a obligation.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yeah that’s not fun. Sometimes giving the person gentle feedback to point it out can be the start of something new.

[@IrelandLochlin]

Ended a 20yr friendship almost 2yrs ago. I realized it was too one sided. She did most of the talking, very subtlety essentially her life was always more interesting than mine, hardly ever asking me about how things were going with me and my life. I no longer CHASE people in order to have friends.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Ugh, that is rough but I lvoe that you learned and are no longer chasing people - I'm right there with you!

[@WhisperingPersona]

This video came right on time! I just had to let my friend of 15 years go. As kids we were so close; but we got older she had this silent competition with me to the point where she couldn’t even hide it. Because I finally put up boundaries and kept my distance. She turned all our friends against me. No one asked for my side and shunned me. It was like this growing up too now that I think about it. I’m 32 years old now, and I’m tired of this endless cycle of backstabbing and deception. I chose me for once.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

I'm so sorry that happened, sometimes outgrowing friends really hurts! Here's to finding better, more accepting friends - you can do it!

[@youreincredible1648]

Well done, me too.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Thank you!@@youreincredible1648

[@RY-fe3rt]

Wonderfully explained! It can be hard to accept an adult friendship is over when it's rooted in childhood, but it serves no purpose to invoke these memories with each other in a bid to cling to what has ultimately become a corpse. No memory, however powerful can compete with a toxic present day. It takes a while to admit, but once you do, it's time to let sleeping dogs DIE and move on. (After all, Alexander's father never loved him)

[@rae66chel]

Me too The friendships just ran their course. The separation began when I started healing & they remained the same friends that enjoyed to gossip 😢

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Oh I so relate to that!! Thanks for watching Rachel!

[@rebeccagitto597]

Same 😥

[@pyramidhead138]

i dont think ive outgrown just my friendship, but the area that i live in altogether. i strongly feel as though theres nothing left for me here anymore

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Hang in there - maybe co side getting some counseling if you are struggling.

[@we.are.all.barabbas]

It was 9PM when one of my friends sent me a message to go to her house for dinner. Apparently it's to celebrate her promotion. I asked who else was there, everyone, except me, and all of them knew weeks in advance. Then there I was, receiving the invitation, late at night. Last minute invitations are a sign that I was just an afterthought. They must have wanted someone to eat their leftovers. That's when I realized I am truly of no value to those people.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Oh that's so heart-breaking. Try to remember that their behavior is a reflection of them not you!

[@we.are.all.barabbas]

@@MichelleFarrismft Thank you. It made me sad at first but then it made me realize my standing in their circle. It's a good thing I have other friendship circles ❣️

[@lmusima3275]

I’m gradually ending some friendships I’ve had for a decade as i feel they’re becoming unproductive. We’re no longer together as a group in the same place. Some of these people quietly moved on, stopped reaching out, got married and left me out of it. Some transferred to a different location and communication became one sided. I was the only one reaching out, texting 💬 and getting no response for months or never. Moving forward into 2024 I’d no longer consider myself associated with these people

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yeah that’s painful - especially when there is no communication and yet I love the way you handled it realizing that it was a gradual process that they were no longer friends.

[@rebeccazebell8179]

Me too! I ended a one-sided friendship several years ago and then let the person back into my life. After a few years of overlooking our different values AND being disrespected over and over again i feel i am right back where i once was. This time i am definitely following my intuition - I've evolved, she hasn't, and i deserve better than this. Trusting myself now! Time to move on

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Good for you Rebecca - sometimes we need to try one more time before letting go completely - and I love hearing you are starting to trust yourself!!v YAY!

[@Areutherehello]

I ended an online friendship after four years because I kept realizing that the only way I could talk to him was when I initiated contact. I would send him emails after months of not hearing from him, and I hoped he'd reach out to me. He never did so I had to be the one who initiated contact. I just couldn't take doing all the caring and work anymore. So, I stopped reaching out. I went radio silent. Over a year later, he still has never emailed me. I got my answer. We're done. Life moves on. Many times, friendships just don't go the distance. I've learned to accept that.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yes your last statement is powerful. Sometimes a friendship just can’t be sustained.

[@chibichibi7554]

Me, too...sort of. We were friends for over 50 years and, honestly, she ended it with me - several times over those 5 decades. My biggest takeaway of your video was the outro. When I finally got honest about the relationship between us, the discrepancy between our value systems and multiple boundary trespasses, it was apparent that the friendship was no longer viable. I had to honor my feelings of the growing distance and start to detatch from her albeit gently. This caused a trauma response in her and she basically did me the favor of finally ending our friendship forever because I was never going to be the version of friend that she needed. Do I grieve the loss of the closeness we once had? Absolutely! I honor that time from our younger days. But I have come to accept the loss. Fare thee well, old friend. May you find the peace you seek.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yeah being honest in this kind of friendship often leads to the breakup but those lessons will help you build healthier friendships in the future.

[@donzajane]

I like the quote "enjoying my own company". Its so often neglected and we almost feel guilty to not have anyone else witness us doing this. I think its about others feeling safe with us when we feel safe with ourselves.

[@rebeccagitto597]

The worst way a friendship ends is with no explanation.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

I agree that is ghosting and it's very painful. I've had a letter too which wasn't great either BUT I understand how hard it is to end things too.

[@pinkyjay1881]

I have done my best to say no, to put some distance between us, I’ve done everything and frankly, my friend is making me crazy, texting early in morning late at night all day long…it’s too much! I try to tell her but she doesn’t listen..so I’m ghosting her, I feel bad but there is nothing else I can do!

[@MichelleFarrismft]

@@pinkyjay1881 Yeah sometimes when people don't hear us that's the only option.

[@hamidar2041]

I'm really glad you've written this comment as I'm going through something similar. And as much as I agree verbal/written communication is key to you both understanding expectations / boundaries of the friendship. When someone transgresses those after you have voiced them already, ghosting then seems the only option and can actually speak volumes in itself (that you respect yourself and stick to the boundaries )

[@MichelleFarrismft]

@@hamidar2041 Yeah it's sad when that happens. You bring up a great point though - detaching is different than ghosting. We still.l want to respond but less. Ideally having a conversation to end it is better.v Thanks for watching!

[@dancing-bread]

3:51 "The friendship feels more like an obligation" THIS. Anytime I no longer feel safe in a friendship and I wanted to end it, somebody always came in, usually my mother, and said "but your frienship has lasted for *insert any amount of time* you shouldn't end it". Last frienship I outgrow that I was having struggling to end it was like 2 years ago, and I was struggling since my expartner always demanded me to be friend of this and her other friends that I have alredy told her weren't a good match for me and have done some sabotage to me in the past. And I recall telling her that frase "It doens't feel like I want to be friends with them because I like them, it feels like I HAVE to be their friend, it feels like an obligation now". Now they are my exfriends and my expartner, and life did get better, and I am comfortable right now and happy because there is now room for newer frienships. Even after 2 years have passed I still feel sometimes the effects of the guiltripping that my ex did to me and wonder if I did wrong, but seeing this video and being so happy with my current life, I see that I did the best for me.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yeah the guilt will subside with time (if I’m hearing you correctly). There are many layers to growth and it takes time to unravel our behavior. It’s an imperfect process but you are doing it!!

[@cynthiaurtz4921]

Me too. A 14 yr. friendship, a 30 yr. friendship and a 50 yr. friendship. I am more alone in my life than I have ever been but I find that I am stronger than I realized. I am okay. Thank you as your video helped me realize more firmly why these friendships ended.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yeah I understand but I love hearing you acknowledge your strength. If you're wanting to connect with other women for support - She Recovers is amazing.

[@MochaBrady]

Wow that’s a long time to have those friends. I think that takes a lot of courage. I changed so much the last few years that I had to let a lot of friends go but, it was hard for me. I now feel relieved but, it’s always reinforces things for me when I hear about someone like you having extremely long friendships and then having to let them go. You are courageous. I wish I knew you. I think that I would be happy to have such a courageous friend like you. Peace to you.

[@lonwolf8245]

Friends come and go in our lives and they usually fill a space. I am 63 and sober 15 years. Some of the friends I discarded were from my days of wine and roses. The only common denominator was alcohol and we had nothing in common. Some of my childhood friends went in other directions. Some I just outgrew. But I always say that even friends I had bad 'BREAK UP'S' with filled a need at that time of my Life. I have a few friends of 50+ years but I only text and just keep in touch that way because we don't have a lot in common. That's Life. I may move to MARS one day and gain a whole new group of Alien buddies. Who knows...

[@MichelleFarrismft]

LOl! Yeah it's not easy making friends as we get older but since you're sober that might be a good point of connection - esp. if you belong to any support groups. There are MANY, not just AA.

[@MsLittlet97]

Im having a problem where my best friend and tbh only friend from secondary school is no longer someone I want to be around. She hasn’t done anything wrong she is a really good person. However one of my biggest issues with her is that she is familiar with a version of me that no longer exists. I’m very different person from the way I was in my teens and early 20s (I’m 26 now). I also had a v traumatic/manic upbringing and she was one of the people who was always incredibly kind to me. She is also non judgement and has always accepted me for me, even if I don’t associate with that old version of me. I find we have nothing to talk about and have nothing really in common. I don’t like hanging out with her, mostly because I simply just don’t enjoy myself it feels like a chore. Again she hasn’t done anything wrong. I’m having trouble letting go, and I’m also Someone who struggles with depression my whole life so I naturally push people away but idk this feels more than that, it feels like we r just naturally drifting as we age.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yes, sometimes we just outgrown people and there is no fault at all. Well said!

[@Kwood10]

Iam on the verge of ending a friendship . I feel we don’t have much in common anymore & she doesn’t respect me when I tell her how I feel . She also has way more money now than I do & is always talking about trips & investments when she knows Iam on a low income . I feel allot of anxiety when she calls me on the phone or wants to get together in person. I know I need to politely end the friendship but I’m hoping she will just get the hint.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

It's so hard to end a friendship directly but using neutral reasons can be a kind way to do it.

[@cassandrawest1784]

I had friendship change because I tried to improve myself healing my mental health and go back to study . They never invite me to hang out with them anymore and ditch me for other people .

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yeah some are uncomfortable or even threatened by it because they don't want to look at themselves.

[@bevanbuckwheatshea5520]

They are just jelous of you. Good on you for improving yourself. Good luck.

[@preciousmousse]

I sense people like this quickly and what I do is I evaluate what I can get from these friendships. I keep them as acquaintances and give as much as I feel it’s worth giving. I see relationships as a continuous negotiation, and sometimes yes, that negotiation ends. It’s unfortunate how little conversation there is in the media about friendships. We are a society of superficial friendships and overly dramatic romantic relationships, which we expect to be our only intimate and close relationships. Thank you for making this video!

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Thank you for watching!

[@kaylasayles4581]

I'm in the process of grieving my best friend, who I thought was a life time friend. Her and I have been through so many life events together and became each others family for a time. It's been so heartbreaking for me to no longer have that connection with her. It's extra hard because I love and adore the friendship that we had and it hurts deeply that she doesnt value me anymore. She has moved on to new things and has forgotten about me. I've been so lonely and heart broken to say the least. With all that said, it's been a bit shocking to my system but I am getting better with it. Self care and practucing letting go has been helpful. I love the memories that we made, though I wasnt ready to let her go yet, I will wish her well in life. May the universe bring me more beautiful friendships.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

I know exactly how you feel, the grief is so hard but eventually you will come out the other side. Look for the lessons, feel the grief and focus on one day at a time. This work takes so much courage. Sending you a big hug Kayla!

[@kaylasayles4581]

Thank you! I appreciate your kindness and words of wisdom. I believe when the dust settles I will be a stronger person. ❤ Thank you for making this video, it's just what I needed.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

@@kaylasayles4581 Yes, you absolutely will be!

[@cheesygal]

I’m so sorry. When I went through this, it was like a death. She villainized me and retroactively rejected our lifetime friendship. To give you hope, I have found and developed new friendships that are even better than what I lost. Hang in there. Work through the pain. You will heal and be stronger.

[@ADogNamedBoo]

I’m here now. Called each other BFFs. 11 years of daily contact. Suddenly she has to “set boundaries” and “friends don’t talk daily and text every day”. Huh? So for 3 days she’d text “Gee, the leaves are pretty, enjoy your day.” [Really? I can barely function!] and then radio silence. Nothing in a week. I’m heartbroken. I have other friends, but not that I can talk to about anything and everything. I’m 70 years old and it’s really hard at my age to meet people. I moved to a town with 5000 people and I feel/am a total outsider. It is exactly like a death, with the 5 stages. I needed to tell someone this, thanks for letting me do that.

[@cheesygal]

Thank you for this one. I had to end three long term friendships over the past several years. After each one ended, I realized how dysfunctional the friendship was. I now am very selective about friendships. I’m very relational and friendly. But to call you a good friend, very selective. I have grown and matured and presently don’t allow disrespect. I used to give the benefit of the doubt way to often. I’m careful now.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Good for you, it’s sounds like you are being very mindful which makes SUCH a huge difference I who we decide to connect with.

[@cheesygal]

@@MichelleFarrismft yes. I had to overcome the idea that I wasn’t being nice or loving. One can be that without bringing someone into close relationship.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

@@cheesygal yes! We can have different levels of friendship.

[@bowen2437]

It was at that moment when I realized that she treats me differently if I am unable to provide more for her. In our relationship, I have always taken on the role of the giver because I tend to have a tendency to please people. What truly breaks my heart is when I reflect on the situation and come to the realization that she always accepted everything without a second thought, as if she deserved it.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yeah that is a painful awareness. I totally get it snd have experienced that too. Thankfully, one sided friendships are no longer in my life and it makes a huge difference! It will happen for you too - your awareness is part of that.

[@Just-us365]

Me too. I realised I didn’t feel seen or safe to be myself.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yeah I totally relate to that!

[@travelfun911]

Thank you for this video. I have felt to guilty for ending a friendship, but I am very happy I did. I used detachment, but the friend never got the hint. I had to finally text the friend that our friendship was over. I love being my own best friend first! I love my own company. I thought I needed people to complete me, but in realty I don't. I love myself and my family and that is really all I need.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Wow…good for you! That’s something to celebrate! Befriending yourself will reap many gifts!

[@diannewelsh6475]

That was very affirming... Stuff I was mulling over, but needed to hear out loud.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yay! That makes me so happy Diane! Thanks for watching!

[@wendydaniel1110]

I have absolutely no problems now ending outdated , old patterns in relating, spirituslly stunted friendships..Ended 40 yrs 20 yrs and others that were no longer a positive connection in my life. People come into your life for a reason , seaon or a lifetime.. I am my own bestfriend. I have people who are positive and not connected only because I am filling a "void " in their empty life and myself in theirs. Freedom to be myself and to be accepted for the real me..❤

[@MichelleFarrismft]

That’s so great Wendy! I agree - not everyone stays in fact most people don’t and accepting that was life-changing for me.

[@melissab3217]

I had a friend who was very demanding of both me and her father. What drew me in was the sad story of her being alone and having a rough childhood. She pushed off any other connections due to a long history of broken friendships, and she refused to get to know anyone romantically or at work. Her therapist had also cut her off after she got mad he wouldn't answer the phone at midnight. That put a lot of pressure on me and her dad to be her only support. I could deal with her being somewhat needy, but she took it to another level of entitlement. She would keep me on the phone for long stretches of time when I would tell her I was in the middle of something. If I didn't answer the phone because I was at work or on a date or an anniversary with my husband, she would guilt trip me. She would say how she considered troubling behaviors since I didn't answer or she would brag about a different new friend who she called because they were more "there" for her. Her dad would call me and ask me to intervene on his behalf when she'd cut him off for not giving her things she wanted. The whole thing just turned into a mess. Eventually she tried to move in with me and my husband at our small home. When I had to say no, she accused my husband of getting in between our friendship and tried to pit me against him. I told her I needed a break for a while for my mental health, and she ended up blocking me on social media and saying she was done with me, that I was never supportive and that I was too needy. She tried to get back in touch multiple times, but I kindly declined restarting the friendship.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Wow, that sounds like a very difficult situation but I’m glad you took a break. As hard as that is, sometimes we need to do that to get some clarity.

[@cheesygal]

That level of dysfunction that is so very destructive. I’ve experienced a similar one. I feel your pain.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

@@cheesygal love seeing the support!

[@flohough1870]

There is nothing worse than a friendship where the other person doesn't support you. And that can be in a variety of ways ranging from them not being there to help you in your time of need to just snide remarks about things you do, buy, say, etc. I finally had enough with a friend who was constant belittling everything I did. She hadn't always done that, I don't know what changed, but I had to set MY boundary and move forward without her.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Good for you, boundaries are so important especially with belittling behaviors.

[@esmeramossantana768]

I don't know how to end a friendship. I have a long-distance friendship ,but I have noticed in the last few years that she would tell me that buying things is not good for anyone. That we should fill our lives with experience ,like traveling enjoy the outdoors. So now she constantly tells me that why don't my husband and I buy a house? That we are not being successful because we are not buying a house. I told her that it was not our priority at the moment, that maybe in the near future we may buy a house. I told her that for me, at the moment, buying a house was not successful . Success is different for everyone. But I've noticed that she always has something to criticize about me or my husband . Sometimes, I feel she is jealous .

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yeh it sounds like you may have different values.

[@RJAR1994]

Dang. You really covered multiple issues I was feeling. Everytime you said a reason I’m like wow that’s happening to me rn

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yeah you're not alone, but give yourself credit for being willing to own it! Thanks for watching!

[@karene9131]

Me too…my friend was always upset or mad at me about something but wouldn’t admit she was mad and then gave me the silent treatment. I got tired of it and told her it was time to go our separate ways because obviously I annoyed her! Best thing I ever did!

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Hard but valuable lesson right?

[@bhajandaniel9771]

I just recently ended a friendship of long-standing when I realized this person never valued ME but instead only valued a VERSION of me that she basically created (and continually kept creating) by refusing to respond to what makes me, me, in my core. I always felt like a shadow of myself with her and never valued myself after being around her...and now it's clear: I didn't value myself after being around her because she didn't value who I am, and this had its effect. It was like I couldn't even see who I am after being around her.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Wow that sounds like a very significant lesson. How you feel when being around someone is super key to pay attention to - thank you for adding that!

[@MsLanavita]

It is a very good point, thank you

[@MichelleFarrismft]

@MsLanavita thank you!

[@poison_plays]

I had to end a friendship a couple years ago with someone who I’d considered my best friend because she wasn’t able to be an honest and respectful roommate. She quite literally filled her room with fast food garbage (piled to the ceiling in places-I wish I were making this up) and didn’t help clean it up when she finally admitted to the problem. I’m currently being shut out by a friend who spent the past year of us knowing each other calling me his best friend and chosen family. I feel very hurt by his treating me this way. But he’s shown me repeatedly that he will become enraged and will gaslight me when I try to set boundaries he doesn’t like, or say something he doesn’t want to hear. He used to text me every other day and we’d hang out at least once a week, but I’ve barely heard from him and haven’t seen him since a few weeks ago, when I reminded him that he’d told me it would be unethical for him to keep pursuing a much younger woman who wants a serious relationship with him he isn’t interested in, then immediately jumped back into a relationship with, and told him I don’t feel comfortable staying overnight at his place anymore while they’re dating, as she has deep jealousy issues and he likes to tell me the unpleasant comments she makes about me. He had previously indicated that he shares my value of friends holding friends accountable. If I hadn’t believed him on that, I wouldn’t have said anything. But I also would never have thought we could be best friends. It’s feeling tricked that hurts so much, I think. My toxic ex-girlfriend lied to me about sharing values she didn’t really share with me too, just to get close to me. I feel ashamed I seem to have been taken in by the same trick again. When my friend and I first met last spring, I was stuck living with my toxic ex-girlfriend, who was engaging in a lot of post-breakup abuse towards me. I can’t help but feel that, also much like my ex, this friend only seemed to like me at my lowest, and doesn’t seem to like me nearly as much as I heal and get stronger. That hurts a lot. I wish I were better at recognizing who truly supports me in healing and growing. I genuinely thought he did. I feel afraid to trust my instincts about who is a trustworthy person. I seem to inevitably choose wrong. Sorry for going on. This has been weighing on me quite heavily for several weeks now. It’s hard to fight the feeling I’m being punished for being a bad friend somehow, even though I consciously tried to be a good one. Thank you so much for your videos, and right now, this one in particular. It’s very helpful to me in trying to navigate all this. I don’t have a lot of friends. To lose one feels like a big loss.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I know how painful it is to loss a friend. I created some relationship checklists to help assess the health of your relationships. It’s very eye-opening. One thing that has helped me is to dissect what went wrong and my part in it. That is what helped me see red flags that I had missed. You can do this! Maybe consider Al-Anon for more support?

[@poison_plays]

@@MichelleFarrismft Thank you so much for replying! I’ll use the relationship checklists for sure, and I tried attending an Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting last week, and it was such a safe and affirming place to be. Thank you so very much for suggesting I try a group like that. I didn’t know there are 12-step groups that offer support to people like me, and I have a good feeling I’m going to find support and healing there. I’m so grateful for the chance to feel less isolated and alone in what I’ve been facing. Thank you again so very much.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

@@poison_plays I’m so glad you went!!! Yeah getting the right support can help us be more hopeful and keep going!

[@nunyafawkingbiz]

I’m going on a trip in a week with an old friend who we ended on bad terms but social media brought us back together but we haven’t actually hung out in person since our fall out like almost 10 years ago ! When we FaceTime I can tell that we really aren’t compatible anymore for the most part but then again I do go to her for support and I feel she does have my best interest at heart but we just are different in so many ways and just don’t have the same interest …and it’s like holding on to old memories ! I am going to enjoy the trip and maybe in person our friendship will strengthen and be able to last but I just won’t bank on it !

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Good luck on your trip. Knowing you’re not as compatible will help to lower expectations. It’ll be a great learning lesson!

[@garethfidler389]

Me too. A friendship became really draining when they distanced themself, to the point where they’d just ignore my messages. That really hurt, but it told me everything I needed to know. The silence was deafening. Now I continue to move on from that person as I can’t put myself through that anymore.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yes, I know that feeling - sometimes people can't speak it for whatever reason but the message is obvious. Sad.

[@agrav2474]

Thank you for mentioning the impact of covid. So many things changed in my relationships after the lockdowns. Especially friendships!

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yeah the lockdown did change things and highlighted the health of certain relationships. But hanks for watching!

[@oreoandoz7723]

Could you also do a video on "bystander" issues? Two different kinds of bystander situations: 1. two of your friends, or a friend and a coworker or family member, have a serious break and want you to "choose sides" - do you stop being friends with both of them? pick one? try to figure out who's right, when you're getting different info from both? 2. when your friend is fine with you, but you can't stand watching their behaviour with someone else - e.g., your friend's parenting; she disciplines the kids by sending them in the corner or yelling, and you believe that's wrong - but doesn't she have the right to raise her kids as she thinks? but at the same time, it breaks your heart to see and you don't want to keep seeing it - another e.g., you have a really good friend who is cheating on her husband - she's not using you as a cover, but you still think it's wrong - but after all, you're not in their relationship, its not up to you - but it makes you uncomfortable anyway - what do you do? Would be great to have a vid on these really sticky friendship situations! Thank you for your great videos :)

[@maryfiona7641]

This was such a helpful video. I ticked the boxes on every one of your points. It was a 40 some year friendship .She was unhappy that I ended it but I am so relieved that I did. Listening to the points you made was a final confirmation that I made the right decision. We had lived in separate states for quite a few years but our kids played together in the early years and she is a good person. I tried creating some distance by trying to slow down my responses to texts but she wasn't having it and wanted an explanation. I wrote a just in a different place now type email. She wrote a response about a week later but I deleted it without reading it. I feel guilty about that but I just couldn't have any more contact. I think that was unfair but I had been so done for long. I have to live with that decision.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

It sounds like you were done - give yourself a break - you just couldn’t and maybe that’s okay!

[@dalaov5258]

You should have did this over the phone call especially for ssuch a long friendship.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

@dalaov5258 yes phone is better than texting but I get why people try to use it even though it’s not ideal.

[@guzelkisselev9778]

Really good advice! Thank you. The lack of joy before meeting a "friend" is a real sign that something is wrong. If it helps anyone, I'll add to to that - getting sick before/after meeting a friend, or having some kind of accident where you fall or break a tooth before meeting a friend is a sign you should not be friends. Could be you're injuring yourself to avoid that meeting.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yes, our bodies often react in ways that indicate something is not working. Love your insight!

[@amiellenberg1037]

A reason, a season or a lifetime.....Thankfully I heard that when I needed it and remind myself when a relationship ends....Thank you so much for this, I'm dealing with this now (while also realizing my codependent part in what may have helped it end and working on my recovery) xoxo

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Hey Ami, good for you. This work takes a lot of effort!

[@BrandonP8176]

I made some friends through KZbin comments sections on sports videos where I would interact with others and talk about sports with them in the comments. Problem is I never really was there to make friends but rather I just simply wanted to talk to other people about sports. They see me as a friend but I don't see them as a friend. I just see them as someone that I just talk sports with and nothing more. One day I told them I was leaving the sports community and they said "let's still try to keep in touch." This made me feel pressured to come back and I did but I never really wanted to. I felt obligated to go on their channels and comment so they wouldn't think I was ghosting them or I had an issue with them or something. These people haven't done anything to me but I just don't want to feel pressured to continue to remain in contact with them. They just don't resonate with me anymore because outside of the fact we like sports we don't really have that much more in common and have different personality types. They're just not my type of people. The whole situation is just making me feel drained. I know alot of this sounds so crazy and may not make sense in some areas as I'm not good with explaining things properly so hopefully this all made sense to you.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

It sounds like you came to realize that sports was the only connection. That’s actually a sign of health - you accept their limitations and prefer to opt out.

[@falliblewonder]

Me too. A childless friend seemed to always be complaining about her closest friends and family. I never went to her for advice. In fact i was very concious not to dump on her emotionally because i really thought she was too fragile. . . I would try to uplift her, got her to the gym and the sauna, craft nights and camping. All the most uplifting things i could think of i shared with her. But she seemed to always be comparing, jealous, one upping me on things that didn't matter like gardening. I would visit with her and leave my baby at home with someone so i could get a break, remember life before being a mom, give her undivided attention. . . She had a few visits to my home and started to criticize my parenting, try to list my incompetencies. . . Not sure how it came to that but i realized recently i give more than i get out of this and she checked every box you mentioned.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Ouch - that’s such an important awareness though. That’s the power we have - to assess what’s working then decide what we need to do as a result.

[@Parischick11]

So appropriate.. it’s not easy when friendships change (it happens as we evolve in life).. I tell myself to grieve, remember the good times (don’t focus on the negative)

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yeah losing friendships is hard - even when you have mixed feelings about the person. Endings take effort and a lot of people avoid them.

[@darleenmcbride8900]

I've finally learned about friendships. I'm tired of toxic friend girls and I gave up on men because I live in a dead town with All toxic men. I don't have any friends now. Also I dated a narcissist about 3 years ago and I just got over that. It was really, really difficult.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Well no I hope you don’t give up entirely. Learning how to have healthy relationships is possible but getting the right support is key like doing therapy or joining Al-Anon or Coda. Just a few thoughts 😀

[@darleenmcbride8900]

@MichelleFarrismft ...yes ma'am I'm too old to be dating and getting my heart broken. Narcissist are nothing to play with. Ty

[@terryc4883]

Me too. Originally bonded and I moved away. I was included less and I didn’t move that far but everything changed. Accepted it.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Good for you, that's not easy. Acceptance is SO key in recovery but it definitely takes time.

[@kathleenbarton3981]

I happened upon this video and felt it was so relevant and struck a cord with me. I have been conflicted in my relationship with this friend....i was in a position where I finally, after 5 years, had to speak my truth. My friend is extremely self focused. All of her thoughts, all of her conversations are about herself. She is the only person that I have ever met that on a regular basis speaks over me. She needs to be reminded, in Conversations that I m speaking . I find this rude and very degrading. She is a good person, and i did write a very kind Email explaining that I valued our friendship but was distressed with this issue. She has not yet responded.?..its been 4 weeks. I m doubting if i did the right thing 😮

[@MichelleFarrismft]

I always ask myself - what am I getting from this friendship? Sometimes, we need to really assess if it's worth staying.

[@NuggetMaven]

Me too. I’ve ended friendships due to an assortment of things ranging from one person not valuing my time & making me feel unimportant or uninteresting, and another friendship tanked when I remarried & that changed the power dynamic as I was now an economic equal. Right now I’m on the precipice of ending a 40 year friendship due to the other person essentially telling me to “just get over it,” and for clarification “it” is my c-ptsd which has been highly activated since the beginning of the pandemic & grieving my mom who died of covid. So, on top of that, I’m grieving the loss of this friendship, too.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

I hope you are getting the support you need. That's a lot to go through. Sending you a virtual hug!

[@suef5417]

Me too😄 The last friendship had definitely run its course. We had been close friends for about five or six years and had met at a sporting club. She became a mentor for me and I trusted her completely. Lots of warning signs along the way such as racist remarks said as "jokes" and gossiping about various club members which I began to find insulting. The dealbreaker was when I placed a boundary around her behaviour of causing a scene one afternoon. She did not want to address it at all and claimed I was making a mountain out of a molehill. That's all I needed to know. The lack of respect of how I felt was pretty devastating. It was a sad ending to the relationship and there is no contact these days.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

I totally understand that feeling of intense disappointment. It sounds like you really took care of yourself - which doesn't surprise me. You have obviously done a lot of work to get to this point!

[@albatross0175]

OK, it took me 40 years to outgrow my friendships and I released all of them. I am 66 now and my mom died when I was 21. She was my best friend. I relied on so call friends and I people pleased and I acquiesced to what their needs were to feel some sort of acceptance, I now have the best tools in my toolbox with filters and boundaries. I have learned so much and I wish I was taught these things when I was young or certainly after my mom died and I never got anywhere with any counsellors that I saw. Some I quietly released while others I had discussions with to raise issues and I did it with love in my heart and I knew these people would disappear and they did. But you know what, I have peace now and I love it , thanks for a great video

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Well I'm so glad you found the tools you need - boundaries are SUPER key and take courage so good for you! I hope you come back again - :)

[@AbsoluteMdot]

My best friend of over 15 years has been acting distant towards me for a while. She acts like she does not want to be bothered. I did not do anything wrong to her. I just don't get it

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yeah sometimes it’s hard to know what changed but something likely did. It takes courage to find out but that’s how we grow. 😀

[@bevanbuckwheatshea5520]

Probably just move on from her.

[@pablooso1941]

I've ended friendships over the years for many reasons. Thank you for this video, many will benefit from it.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Thank you!

[@minntzu]

Thank you for this video. In the last 5 years I ended 3 close friendships, each lasted around a year. Unfortunately my friendships had a messy endings. I realised our values weren’t aligned, but still continued talking to them. The friendships gradually became toxic to the point of becoming unbearable and coming to a clear end. This video helped me understand how to do identify res flags early and end friendships respectfully in a healthy way.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

I’m glad, I know ending friendships is sooooooo hard but I’m proud that you were able to spot it and take care of yourself.

[@jammyjay917]

Its really tough and upsetting ❤ me and my friend have been friends for over 35 years....we live about an hour and half away from each other... now she has been poorly but is recovering from it now after 2 years, i have shown my support, and spent money on giving her some beautiful flowers many times throughout those times...i texted her every week to make sure she was ok....now after all that, i feel she doesn't want to see me.. i have tried to organise seeing her for ages, but theres always excuses... any spare time she has, she is obsessed with cold water swimming even in winter, she has to travel to get there, and goes there once or twice every week...she never makes any effort to see me. I was upset over it, but now i tend to distance myself.... she never makes an effort to see me. I have had enough now ❤

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yes unfortunately this is often how one sided friendships end. It gets to be too much but there are important lessons that you can take into future friendships.

[@jammyjay917]

@@MichelleFarrismft Thank you 💞

[@MichelleFarrismft]

@@jammyjay917 you’re welcome!

[@gothicfootwear]

Me too! Once they become one-sided, when I’m no longer invited to get together, and after a year or two has passed of this - depending on how far away we live - I’m out for good. I don’t chase.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Good for you. Chasing sucks the life out of it. Thanks for watching!

[@seankelly1366]

I couldn't agree with you more....I have changed so much & yet I came full circle with my moral and core values that were instilled to me with my parents as well as my family members...I went out in the world & had to take the bumps and bruises that I had to endure to become a better & stronger man... Reminds of certain stories in the pages of history where the man had to become a better man....such as the life of a Spartan, Myrmidon as well as perhaps a Samurai or Viking.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Thank you Sean for sharing a bit of your personal story!

[@seankelly1366]

Thank you for your blessings Michelle... I could only wish that I could even submit to you the first chapter of when it was time for me to make the necessary changes to my life.... If you are familiar with the mortal epic of Judah Ben Hur.....it was definitely the start of what I needed to go through....without a doubt certain curses eventually become blessings.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

@@seankelly1366 Well maybe someday you'll write a book about your journey!

[@pathannah1742]

I was very comforted in reading this. You covered all the areas that contribute to a friendship ending. During Covid a long time friendship ended as it became apparent our values were very different. We then had a misunderstanding that couldn’t be resolved and I now realize how differently we see things. I think i have always known about our differences but Covid definitely highlighted them. Even though it has been sad for me, I am coming to terms with it and think it was for the best. Thanks so much for saying all of this as it really does help.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Thank you for taking the time to share. I had something very similar happen.

[@Mushroompanda648]

I lost a friendship at the beginning of 2023, I aired a few grievances and she promised to show me that she cared about our friendship and she ultimately let it die. It was really hard and I grieved that friendship for several months. At this time I'm currently letting 2 friendships fizzle out. These two women are in different places in their life than me and we view the world differently. They also don't support me the way I feel friends should. I recently received an opportunity to show an art piece at a gallery opening and still to this day they haven't asked me about it or congratulated me. We move in July of this next year so I'm just going to let these friendships go with time. I've learned a lot about friendships these last few years and I'm ready to make meaningful, long lasting friendships in my new place of residence. 😁 here's to better friends in 2024!

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yes! That’s a great focus and goal and it sounds like you’ve learned a lot and will carry those lessons with you in your future friendships.

[@silversweet9211]

Me too. I just broke up with a narcisstic friend today and blocked them on my social media and phone. I didn't ghost them though, I sent them a message explaining that I felt our friendship had run its course and we are going in two different directions. I used "I" statements rather than "you" statements. I don't hate this person, I wish them the best, but the friendship had become an obligation, and I was afraid of the individual, to the point where I was having anxiety attacks. There was a point in time where there were four of us who would hang out and get together for dinners and events. The narcissist has cut the other two out of their life, blaming them for the reason their friendships did not survive. I was tired of being the middleman and listening to them tear down two people who I really care about and I have great friendships with. I am not sure its the end of it, but logically I know this is an important first step in my healing process.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Oh man, I am so glad you took care of yourself. It's true that sometimes our bodies tell us that WE ARE DONE! I know the feeling well. Great job in honoring your truth!

[@polymathdj3]

Ive changed so much since Ive known him, almost 9 years, done lots of inner work, started many new things, body building, motorbiking DJing, letting a toxic ex and parent go. Hes not done ONE new thinng or changed at all. So the thing that connected us, computer games , died years ago. And when you talk about not feeling supported, its not because hes critical per say, but hes just silent. Like ill be talking so deeply, maybe even crying and hes just silent. Or if I succeed at something , like make a new song, or pass my motorbike test, I have to say, WELL SAY WELL DONE THEN, COME ON , ACT EXCITED FOR ME! And im just tired of it now. I SO appreciate you saying, TRUST IT. Coz this can be hard to do when I feel like im cutting off many people. An ex, toxic parent and now this guy friend. When youve dealt with narcissits and then you worry YOUR the one being too picky, your the one whose narcissitic, your the one gonna end up alone. When all your trying to do is value yourself. But worry youll end up all alone in the years to come and only have youself to blame... That possible reality , is terrifying! BUT, then I realsie, i would just be keeping this person in my life based on FEAR. Fear of that being true.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Thank you so much for sharing your story. Not blaming yourself IS so key - I have lost of videos on boundaries and codependency if you relate to that?

[@emanne7470]

Wow. I am a counseling grad student and this is INCREDIBLE.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Thank you for taking the time! Appreciate the kind words ❤️

[@missmaomi28]

I had and off and on friendship with someone for over 20 years. She’s been living a double life for over 15 years and it has been recently brought to my attention. When I confronted her about it she totally gaslighted me and tried to flip the entire script then deleted me! I guess I’m a liability to her now for fear that I would reveal her secrets to her family, whom she has totally snowed! I’m not telling her secrets because I feel like they will come out on their own because she’s continuing her habits. I don’t need to say anything at all because her paper trail will catch up with her soon enough. Needless to say I think it’s time to allow the friendship to dissolve..

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Good for you. Letting go sometimes is the best thing to do - and the most courageous! Thanks for watching.

[@garethfidler389]

This video helped me realise what I know deep down.. that it’s time to move on. The friendship was one sided, where all the effort was from my side. The point you made about the fear of dread when you hear from them was really relatable. That tells me everything that I need to know. It’s nobody’s fault but I’ve got to stay true to myself

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yes, knowing your truth matters because then you know deep down you may need to let go. Not easy but definitely worth doing in the long run.

[@PotterSpurn1]

I had a friendship cull a few years ago when I realised that I had moved on but they hadn't. These friendships had often been based on gossip and negativity. I didn't want that anymore. One was a narcissist and was discarding me anyway so I finished the job for him by ghosting him.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yeah sometimes we grow apart and realize the friendship wasn’t good after all. I hear you!

[@albatross0175]

I didn’t have full on grief. By the time I realized what was really going on it was such a big aha moment for me that I landed with. I can’t really miss something that was never there to begin with. That is where I landed. All good. The funny thing is now that I am different because of what I’ve learned there are new people coming into my life that are worthy of having a friendship with and I just love that

[@MichelleFarrismft]

@@albatross0175 yes!!! That is what we get from moving past our fears!

[@johnny_roots]

My cousin has been my best friend for nearly fifteen years now, but I feel like this friendship is hurting me more than anything else. He keeps shifting between being a great friend who is supportive and fun and a kind of abusive one who is constantly mocking me and putting me down. I don't feel safe and supported and our values are definitely different. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this issue, it really gave me some clarity and resources to think this through

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yeah I"m glad you'r paying close attention - this is so hard but I'm glad the video gave you some clarity.

[@bamkablam]

Me too. His marijuana addiction affected his psychological health so adversely, it ruined his even temperament and ability to think rationally. Gradually over time, I was confronted with being misinterpreted, despite taking great pains to be lucid and precise at every turn. It became exhausting and after 8 years of close friendship, I distanced myself, felt some regret in the time shortly after, but in hindsight I know this was exactly the right thing to do.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yes letting go is so hard but I'm glad you took care of yourself.

[@suef5417]

I just re-watched this video Michelle and the words "emotionally opted out" really resonated with me. I often get something extra out of watching the second time around.🥰

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Me too! I totally get that!

[@Ana-pm2bc]

Me too! I'm 16 years old and last year I had to end a friendship I had since I was 3. To me, she was always number 1 or 2 bestfriend. But to her, I was always number 2. 6 years ago I started a trio with her and another friend. We became absolutely best friends, we would laugh for hours, do silly videos, gossip, talk about opinions on different subjects, but then again, I was number 2, and to both of them (I also strongely bonded with the friend I made 6 years ago, we would sometimes go to the movies together, just the two of us.) . Last year, the friendship I had for over 12 years started to fall appart: she would say personal stuff only to the other friend, she started treating me cold, and as the months went by, she wouldn't even look at my face (and I had talked her and the other friend about how I missed them and how we were starting to distance from eachother). The other friend would also sometimes make me feel bad. The two of them started being popular and left me behind. Close to the end of the year, I stopped trying, and now they're just distant. But the other friend, even if we aren't that close anymore, we still have a bond. I met her in a restaurant this year as a coincidence, and we ate together. We had a lovely talk and I meet her in school sometimes again. She doesn't make me feel bad anymore, and we had talked about going to the movies again sometime. The bond with the 12 year old friendship was broke and this video helped me accept this fact, but the other one may survive. Oh and I'm going to break a current friendship after school break. I saw some videos ( including this) and came to the conclusion: This friend is extremaly toxic. She pulls me down when i get excited about something, she's possessive over her friends (including me, I almost lost friendships becouse of her), she made me cry 2 times in school and is kind of manipulative too. I don't know how I didn't see it before! I think the school break gives space between all friendships and time to think about them from a different perspective. Thank you for this videi!

[@MichelleFarrismft]

@@Ana-pm2bc you sound like an amazing young woman with depth and insight. I’ll bet that will serve you well!

[@Ana-pm2bc]

​@@MichelleFarrismftthank you!!😊

[@MichelleFarrismft]

@Ana-pm2bc you’re welcome!

[@jennyjose8440]

I was the one who always rang and talked to my friend to meet-up for tea or go walking... whereas dhe never even bothered to give me a ring to talk once in 6months. Once i rang her to talk to her as i feeling sad...she didn't answer me till one week. And when i asked her about it, her answer was ridiculous 😢"what happened if i didn't rang you till one week" I always answered her msgs snd phone calls... always supported her encouraged her...and she never cared to say Sorry. Being an empath...i always forgived her... for the sake of friendship. But now i feel i should end this friendship.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yeah one sided friendships are draining and painful. You might want to get my relationship checklist (in the description) where you can use it to assess the friendship.

[@johnbehneman1546]

I am worth more and I deserve better

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yes you do! Thanks for watching!

[@alisontaylor2746]

Thank you, I am so grateful for your video. I never knew it’s all right to end or detach from a close friendship for the reasons you gave in the video. All the reasons have happened to me. Thank you so much, just thank you.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

You are so welcome Alison, I appreciate you being here!

[@deborahwolff5651]

I went ahead, above and beyond my growth, where I earned my degree and earned several certificates relating to my passion among other adventures and didn't have time to spend with her. She met another woman, and I felt ghosted and ignored, and I couldn't trust her anymore. She ignored my calls and wasn't comfortable trusting her. I felt dumped. I was livid. It was a very unhealthy friendship that ended very badly. She was a liar, user, and an unloyal piece of trash. I will never get involved in this situation again! I wrote her a couple of very nasty below the belt letters, and boy, did I feel good! She was very jealous of me.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Hey Deborah, yeah that is so painful!! I've been there too but I will say there are some really good lessons when a relationship ends. The trick is to be ready to learn them. Thanks for watching.

[@deborahwolff5651]

I agree, thank you for your feedback

[@MichelleFarrismft]

@@deborahwolff5651 You're welcome!

[@adamslaura768]

Me too. One I didn’t want to end, but in my codependency healing, I knew I needed to let her go, the other friend proved to be no friend at all. Both happened within a month. This was my first experience on letting a friend go. And I am 62.😞

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Ugh! Yes I hear you and totally understand the pain. It does get better though and I will say that I never had to repeat that lesson again! Pain is a great motivator.

[@debolinaganguly5822]

Trying to end many friendships as ive grown in my mentality and i no longer feel like doing or wanting d same things i wanted before ..plus u r right our values no longer match ..but they r constantly b trying to mk me feel guilty for distancing myself

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Ugh - yet another red flag. But ending a toxic friendship will help you create healthier ones down the road.

[@pam164]

I have just ended a friendship as she made me feel like i was walking on egg shells as she gets angry and she was so bossy, im single and she makes me feel there is something wrong with me ( she is married) i began to dislike her.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Well it's good that you saw it - for me that was the hardest part ( and letting go ). That takes courage!

[@Pat2023-nm3to]

Me too. Thanks for making me feel it ok to end a friendship.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

You are welcome and willing to grow! That’s awesome!

[@laurasorrells1242]

I lost a close friendship because our dynamic was, finally, just not at all rewarding for either of us anymore, I guess. I have a chronic illness, which I didn't when we became friends, and I apparently didn't confide in and ask her for help enough to sustain the comfort of the relationship for her. It was exhausting. I was willing to be friends and just step back a bit from the intensity and frequency of communication, but I think there was more to it for her. I didn't feel safe telling her how hard I struggle with my illness, and she felt like that was unmanageable for us. I don't have the energy or resources to give her what she needs in a friendship.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

@@laurasorrells1242 knowing your boundaries is so important especially given your chronic illness. Take care of yourself.

[@nitz3012]

me too. As a Christian, it was very hard and confusing to have to walk away, all these points you made are accurate.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yeah, I know - it's a very painful lesson but important. If we can spot the red flags early we can make better choices next time.

[@Leslie-x6y]

These are all true and excellent points and yes Covid brought out division but also our core values and it gave us insight to relationships that weren’t healthy but we were never given permission to end unhealthy relationships so there’s the silver lining and yes so important to move forward with healthy relationships and understanding of what ones aren’t thanks for an honest video

[@MichelleFarrismft]

You are so welcome - glad it resonated with you.

[@anngray3292]

Loved listening to this. Thank you ❤

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Thank you!!! That’s very kind. ❤️

[@melissaculpepper7663]

Me too! I’ve realized that I allow my “friends” to be controlling and dominating. Just 3 days ago my “friend” became very angry with how I had an accusing tone towards her concerning a topic she kept bringing up. In my frustration I did question her but had no idea it hurt her. She called me on it and I immediately apologized for doing that. I understand my error but thought her strong reaction was disproportionate to my exchange. So, it really just kept bothering me and I started reflecting back on all of the times she has ignored my requests and boundaries. She, too, likes to “boss” me like she is in a position of authority over me. She always reminds me that she is older…she is 3 years older😅😅😅 She also forces lots of meals on me and my husband even after I have repeatedly told her “no thank you” and that we are appreciative of her “kindness”. She can never just meet up to talk. It always has to be her cooking a meal or buying my lunch and always giving gifts. It feels really awkward and disrespectful of my requests. I tried to make us a very light lunch and she agreed but then brought an entire meal and sides and dessert! I was really hurt by that. I was gracious to her but told her that Ali just wanted to do something for her. Were all of those times a power play for her? I’ve excused her behavior because I believed she was sincerely a genuine person who mutually respected me. I’ve erroneously believed I was being “long-suffering” and accepting and gracious towards her. Guess I still have co-dependent tendencies. Sigh…I’m 59…I thought I had truly gotten completely “healthy”! I truly don’t want to go forward with her and it just might be a moot points as she hasn’t tried to contact me for 4 days(unusual). Therefore, maybe we both can gracefully bow out without either having to have an awkward conversation.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Ok...here's my question - do you want this person in your life? My video tomorrow is on detaching from narcissistic abuse but the principles will still apply. Good for you identifying codependent behaviors - I have lots of resources on that too, but the one on the & Signs of Codependent Relationships would help you assess the friendship.

[@melissaculpepper7663]

@@MichelleFarrismft Thanks for your response! After giving myself time to process and reflect, the answer is an emphatic “NO!” I look forward to your next video! Thank you for helping us!

[@MichelleFarrismft]

@@melissaculpepper7663 I love the clarity!!

[@rennemarie]

I just had to cut off a friendship that was going to hit almost if not 20 years. I just couldn't do it anymore . I never felt supported anymore. I always felt like she would put others before me. For an example she says I am a good friend however, she would NEVER post me on her social media's. Now I know that shouldn't be a big deal how ever the way she is her life is social media. So the friends she hangs with she will post them for context. I even addressed it with her but nothing. I wanted to have a date day with her and she even asked me first. When I brought it up multiple times she says she isn't sure since now she has date plans with someone else... even though she said...That would really depress me. Something that really pissed me off was that I had a friend come over and she texted the friend I invited she was going to tag along without letting me know. It felt very inconsiderate . Let alone she was also 2 hours late . She thought gym time was more important than me. I am not saying the gym isn't important . But she would go a couple times a day. It really made mefeel like I wasn't a priority for the friendship; she also didn't apologize ether. I did address it to her say for the future if she could be more considerate about the hangouts with me. She got very defensive. Then she was going to do it again! Thankfully I didn't need to speak to her about it but it really did upset me she did that. Something also recent that happened is that I really needed help serving my ex papers due to me blocking them and not knowing anything. She said she would help multiple times so much so she offered to pay for my papers. Suddenly she can't telling me to just take it to the house and no.. what ever that means. I pointed out to her since she didn say she had my ex serve her ex papers. I let her know the hypocracy of it and what did I do to make her treat me this way. She stated that she drove so far to see me and it seems like it's nothing to me which really did hurt my feelings. That she was just ready for me to drop her as a friend. I needed time away from her which I did. Come to find out she is posting about my ex how " she is supporting the homie" I find out from a friend but I notice that the story wasn't available to me which lead me to believe she was having it hidden so I coud'n't see it. Now I know I can address it again . But I have done it so much now that it feel just so one sideded . I can't even cry anymore about this I feel numb about it..

[@MichelleFarrismft]

@@rennemarie wow. It sounds like a one-sided friendship where it has to be about her. I’m glad you see it. That will help you in the next friendship- see those behaviors early.

[@life-is-here]

It might be time to end a friendship if your values are different.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Thanks for watching!

[@SpencerLemay]

I'm done with my friendship with the guy I called my best friend for 20 years. Unfortunately this comes exactly at the time he is asking me to be his best man. I talked with family about this and they all told me I was obligated to do it, but after I explained how deep the conflict goes and how little he cares about my feelings on anything I think they understand me not going through with it. I feel pity because I know after I am gone all he will have left are some really shitty friends who won't respect him, but those people are the primary reason we are in conflict in the first place. I have no idea if he even realizes where he stands with me even after I told him how painful it would be for me to be around the other people he has chosen to be groomsmen and explained how upset some of his words made me. Every time I try to have an emotional conversation I get either silence, a change in topic, or absurd arguments telling me why I shouldn't care. Looking back and I realize we never really had a connection, I was just the guy who would reach out to hang out when nobody else would. He never really shared any of his feelings about anything, no matter how much I did. The times he did wrong me he never apologized or would just pretend it never happened. He even said that he thought it was really funny one time one of our mutual 'friends' hurt my feelings. One thing he did admit to was that if someone hurts his feelings he doesn't care... and doesn't think I should care either and just ignore it. I guess he will put up with and justify anything if it means he can avoid being hurt and keep the people who hurt him as some kind of 'friend' because he has nobody else.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Ugh that sounds really painful. I'm glad you are recognizing this behavior as unhealthy. That awareness will help you choose better in the future - it did for me! Thanks so much for watching!

[@primaprimavera357]

You video on this topic is the best. Very informative and professional.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

@@primaprimavera357 thank you, it seems to be a popular topic.

[@donnalochner7213]

Very good points about signs that the friendship is less valuable now. It doesn't have to be black and white; stay or go. Very close friends are people I tell very personal stuff to.There are different levels of friendship; some we can go to for the deep stuff, others are friends for certain things. Not everyone is a super close friend. I enjoy the parts of friendships where we have something in common. We may share love of movies or social justice issues. So that's what we focus on. Because a friendship is less valuable now is not necessarily a reason to end it. I ended two friendships directly because they became toxic and a drain. To me, that warranted ending them. I wouldn't conclude that friendships that have become less valuable needed to be ended. I wish there had been more said about that.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yes it’s really an individual choice and making that decision is really up to what’s important to you. Thanks for watching Donna!

[@blairx5]

I’m not sure if you’ve done a video about this, but could you do a video about how to properly extend an olive branch for a friendship break up

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Ok thanks for the suggestion!

[@norismendoza4503]

Great guidelines!

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Thank you for watching!!

[@megalou6567]

Me and my bestie used to Both be sexually promiscuous. And that is one thing we bonded over . Well fast forward to our 40’s. We both found the Lord and became celibate . And then we bonded again over that . Well this summer she started being sexually promiscuous again with multiple partners. One day she sent me a dirty video of one of the young men “taking care of himself” . She knew I would not want to see that. I texted her and said please don’t send me stuff like that ever again. A few days later I sent her a message just saying that the lord has saved me and I no longer want any part of that lifestyle . I told her I am not judging her and I love her . She never answered me back . And this was a few weeks after I took her on a trip bc her mental health was really bad and she couldn’t get out of the funk. So I asked her if she wanted to go on a trip and she accepted the offer . I am glad that I have those memories . After she didn’t answer my text I just blocked her . This is actually the second time in 10 years that she has just stopped talking to me . And it is the last time

[@MichelleFarrismft]

I’m sorry that happened but I’m glad you took care of yourself. It’s hard to leave…I understand.

[@Agheel963]

Me too. A friend would treat me like a therapist then we said friend was finished would insult me. Also noticed i was only invited to places when the friend was bored,the night would start off good then after a while it was straight to insults again. Whenever i wanted to try something new it would be you should then came the but. Then a reason why i shouldnt do it. I'd had enough then when i ended the friendship they claimed they never did anything at all like that. So glad to get rid of hell of a lot happier 😂❤

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yeah good for you that you could spot it and take action! Very brave!!

[@erinmicco]

Me too she was like my sister… dont know 20 years age difference made a difference ….she told me every time got upset would change and give me silent tresu

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yeah the silent treatment really hurts - I totally understand that. I truly believe there are valuable lessons in the pain though. Thanks for watching!

[@AngelacLee]

Had a friend group for nearly 20 years. It ended when they had a “reunion” trip and didn’t include me. Didn’t even consider me. Not worth fighting for the attention of people who don’t care to have me around.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

@@AngelacLee yeah that’s really painful but it took guts to see the signs and detach.

[@Lukelea13]

Thank-you this has been helpful ❤

[@MichelleFarrismft]

You’re welcome 😊 I'm so glad!

[@elintorvik6352]

Thanks for that helpful video. It was good to hear today!

[@MichelleFarrismft]

You are so welcome!

[@KellyMcArdle-z2e]

Thx. You definitely helped ❤️

[@MichelleFarrismft]

YAY! I'm really glad Kelly!

[@juliasweeney3479]

Thank you so much for this information. I really needed to see this. xoxo

[@MichelleFarrismft]

You’re so welcome Julie!

[@katalinipacs8007]

Hi Michelle! I am so happy to find your channel! Your videos are super cool and helpful! Thank you for your time and effort! Could You please make a video on how not to insist to people/ freindships/good memories etc? Thank you for that!!

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Sorry how to not insist on people and friends for what?

[@katalinipacs8007]

@@MichelleFarrismft I meant that how not to get too attached to friendships or people emotionally. How not to depend on them emotionally? Thank you for that!