What is a Codependent Friendship (Signs of One-sided Friendships)

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Grab my FREE Guide - 7 Steps to Healing One-Sided Relationships: The Codependent Solution counselingrecovery.lpages.co/codependent-relationship-freebie/

[@dbzgal04]

Here's my codependent friendship story: My now ex-friend (who I'll call J) was insecure and had low self-esteem due to experiences in her life, including some type of disability, and I was "the only one who understood her." J had a few other friends too though, and a boyfriend as well. But apparently I really took the cake! We started off with chatting online, then writing letters. For a while we also talked on the phone, which was cool…at first. But then J would try calling and texting numerous times a day, and if I didn’t call or text her back right away (or at least within a few days) she’d get worried that I was mad at her or that something happened (and whenever we did talk on the phone, she'd talk my ear off every time). There was one time during our online chats, when J pointed out that I have the same initials as Mariah Carey. I don't remember why offhand, but it took me a few days to respond. She thought I was mad at her for pointing out that I have the same initials as Mariah Carey! I assured her I had other things going on, which would always be the case if I didn't get back to her sooner. When I was deploying to Iraq, J kept texting "I'm trying to be strong, but I can't stop crying," and other similar messages; now that I look back on it, you would've thought I was her girlfriend in a romantic way. I came home that summer for two weeks of R & R (rest and relaxation). When I was going back to Iraq, J sent me a text message, telling me about a recent incident where a couple guys made a lewd comment to her. I texted back "That was uncalled for!", referring to the lewd comment those guys gave her of course. J texted back "Did I do or say something wrong?", or something along that line. I was in the middle of texting her back, explaining that I was talking about the perverted comment the guys made to her, when she called and asked if it was her I was upset with! Of course I clarified it with her. After giving clarification of that situation, since I was going back to Iraq J then asked me if I cried while saying good-bye to my family at the airport; looking back I really wish I would've asked her if that question was really necessary! J broke her phone (therefore no more calls and texts), and I was willing to give the friendship another chance. But even without calls and texts, if I didn't write or message her on FB frequently enough she'd always get worried that I was mad at her or that something happened. As I mentioned earlier, J had a boyfriend in addition to a few other friends. Now that I look back on it, I wouldn't be surprised if her boyfriend secretly got jealous of me, and if he did, I'd totally understand. So yeah, that’s why I finally dropped all forms of communication with J, period (there came a day when she stopped asking if I was mad at her or if something else was wrong, and I didn't reach out to her). I loved her to death, but enough was enough.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yeah, I understand. The constant contact and taking things personally is so hard with codependent friends. The neediness can be overwhelming at times. I'm glad you took care of yourself! Thanks for watching!

[@Ongslay]

Who else came here from their comment on the video Telephone by Lady gaga

[@dbzgal04]

@@MichelleFarrismft What else is frustrating, is when people call me shitty, mean, toxic, or whatever else, when I share this story. They didn't experience it, so they obviously don't understand.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

@@dbzgal04 yeah get the support where you can. I’m sorry that happened to you.

[@scarlettclark1939]

That sounds exhausting!

[@nicoleflowers7]

I think what is lacking is that the emphasis here seems to solely be focused in on the codependent's overbearing neediness. Where there is a codependent there is usually a narcissist close by, or a 'taker' or 'opportunist.' logically, if someone seeks to fulfill needs in people pleasing then there will be people waiting to be pleased. From my personal experience (whilst I do agree in some areas that some can certainly be overbearing) is the shift in dynamics with a healing codependent. Because now you have an individual who is becoming more independent, more assertive, and prioritizing a start of a sense of self...so 1) typically the other individual prefers the people pleaser and thus you have some waves and boat rocking, and 2) the codependent may see the imbalance and attempt to pull back in having made the majority of the effort as it is overwhelming to them as well. Relationships are meant to be reciprocal and interdependent, and not every friend in a codependent friendship is receptive to healthy communication or fixing unhealthy areas. I have a friend for example that cannot be talked to regarding any issue because they will gaslight, to devaluing my voice as an independent. It's not always a fixed view on the codependent who is only referred to as clingy in this video, but sometimes you really do need to take a more personal view as to whether the dynamics are healthy for you too. And I wouldn't personally be able to call someone repeatedly. I would feel burdensome Im sure. However my 'friend' has called me back to back to back leaving messages bc they are so used to me in my codependent people pleasing to drop anything and everything that they cannot conceive of me having a life outside of their needs. flip that around and I call once every couple of weeks and they dont answer. It's not always boxed in around one party is my point. Best of luck to you all. Healing is the goal. ❤

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yes I agree - narcissism and codependency tend to go together and the goal is to shift those patterns. The narcissist won’t typically be willing to change so protecting oneself becomes the first goal. Sounds like you’ve done a lot of great work! Thanks for watching.

[@m.8761]

👏👏👏

[@BelleResells]

i stumbled on this after realizing that coming out of an abusive relationship, all my friendships don't feel healthy at all. It's like I attract really clingy, anxious people. I know I provide space for my depressed and anxious friends, but I get really freaked out when a friendship moves too fast, to the point where it feels like i'm losing my identity, and how intense and serious it gets. One of my friends I just met this year, she would get passive aggressive if I didn't respond to her messages or left her on read but I really cared about her and we got a long. Hearing you talk about not having a strong sense of self is a HUGE flag for me - I was saying to my therapist that I didn't like hanging out with my friends for too long because I didn't know who I was, i felt like I was a different person with each new friend, almost like I became what they wanted me to be. I don't know, it's so confusing but codependent at 30 and really learning how to build boundaries and healthy relationships is so hard!!

[@MichelleFarrismft]

I know it is hard but it’s great that you have identified codependency- there are lots of resources for that - Alanon and Coda are the most common support groups for that. I’m actually finishing up my own online course on healing codependency 😀 - you can do this!!!

[@laurasorrells1242]

Wow. This really resonates. I'm increasingly grateful that my toxic friendship has ended. Not that it's all on her, but I couldn't offer her the closeness she needed, evidently. I had stopped asking her for help awhile back (I have a chronic illness that limits me in some pretty big ways). she would offer help effusively and I'd thank her and turn to others for, say, rides to the doctor---others who, practically speaking, could actually help me with things like that when I needed it. She felt shut out. I hate it, but my management of my health is a matter of daily survival for me, not a mechanism to facilitate her feeling useful.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

@@laurasorrells1242 Good for you Laura - you detached enough to prioritize what you need for your health. That’s recovery!

[@mrsp8999]

I appreciate your honesty - and watching this makes me realise my own need for space in friendships. Even when it’s just phone calls/ messages, I can feel abit suffocated. The important learning point is to know yourself, accept yourself and state clearly and early on what is ok for you ( me) Every day’s a school day isn’t it?😂

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yes, and needing space is great self-awareness! Sometimes we don't know our boundaries until they get tested and that's okay. It's all part of learning. Thanks so much for watching!!

[@teodorionescu5847]

I was codependent on my ex-best friend of 4 years. In my head, he was an ideal. Somebody who didn't really exist in real life. I thought very highly of him, placed him on a pedestal, but in reality, he was just a douchebag. He would disrespect my boundries and then blame it on me for speaking up. Because I cared about him so much, I believed him. I believed that I was problem. He knew about my codependency. We talked about it. I saw him like a brother. He profited off of it for money and other luxuries, while talking about me behind my back and disrespecting me. He knew that I'd always come back. Well, in an ironic turn of events, he was the one who stopped the friendship. I was depressed for about 2 months. Could not function properly. I didn't know how to function without him. Now, I've re-gained my sense of self. I feel like myself again, and I realized how TOXIC and manipulative he was, and how unhealthily attached I was to him. I am still healing, long road ahead, but I'm doing great.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

I'm so glad you are starting to heal. Learning about boundaries will be important for you. Feel free to check out my free boundaries training counselingrecovery.lpages.co/boundariesmf/ It will help you understand how boundaries work :) Thanks for watching!

[@AA-hr6nj]

I appreciate your vulnerability in sharing these two stories. They both taught me a lot. It’s very painful to realize that what you thought was your strength in being there and loving on others is actually my disguised codependency. Does anyone else have have this problem with mother figures? I get super needy for affection and validation with my friends who are 10-15 years older than me. The older I get the harder friendships are becoming.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yeah it can be more tricky to make friends in adulthood but I will say that if you are doing this kind of personal growth work - it can be easier to find like-minded people. For me it was about learning to befriend myself so I din't become overly dependent again - Al-Anon helped me do that ( plus building self-trust ). Hope that helps.

[@AA-hr6nj]

@@MichelleFarrismft Thank you so much, Michelle.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

You're very welcome!

[@rae66chel]

Thank you for this, I no longer speak to a few childhood friends because of my previous codependency behavior. Sadly it took me over a year to accept it. I’m good now & speak to my healthier friends that I can trust. ❤

[@MichelleFarrismft]

That’s real progress - letting go of relationships that no longer work is part of codependency recovery. 😊

[@bucketslash11]

this hits hard, i'm an aspie so i really only have 1 friend from high school who initially only asked if we wanted to see movies with him, then it was hanging with him after school/weekend which kept going after school ended and i started working (travelling to him also avoided chores at home given by my parents) BUT i only saw how dysfunctional the friendship was after i moved out and he started calling almost every day for trifles and wanted to hang out EVERY weekend. me being an aspie also means that i can go weeks without contact (outside of work) and not be bothered by it, but he seems to always crave contact, then my twin brother told me that he suspected him of being a narcissist and that his (late diagnose) asperger is possibly a misdiagnosis

[@MichelleFarrismft]

@@bucketslash11 interesting - it sounds like your awareness is growing!

[@brightphoebesays]

This really rings true for me. That's why I am never able to keep a friend. I was a pet project for my first woman-friend after divorce, but I was too much for her and after an intense close friendship and a lot of oversharing and lack of respect, she ended it because I wouldn't do what she wanted. She thought she was giving me tough love, I thought she was being controlling and I went off her entirely. I then actively avoided her for years afterward, even requesting different shifts at work to do so. Another woman I tried to befriend blocked me on social media after I dm'd her too much and too often about a particular issue. She warned me, but I didn't fully believe it. She had had enough, and deemed me toxic. She was a psych student. I was really sorry I had overtaxed her. There's other women who refuse to play along and I get really hurt and fearful, yet they hang on in the periphory. I have trouble keeping friendships light in order to allow them to grow. Being needy scares women away. So now I'm afraid to try and make friends.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yeah I know this is a really hard issue but I want to give you some hope! I too had trouble with recognizing other people’s boundaries. I had to learn the hard way seeing the friendships end so I feel you! Since then I’ve worked hard and my friendships are MUCH healthier. I cannot recommend Al-Anon or Coda enough. Both offer free group support on these issues.

[@youwerewild]

Wow, I didn't know how much I needed to hear this.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Thanks for watching! I'm glad it spoke to you!

[@bluetenit695]

I've recently found your video, seeking out why a certain group of friends have fallen out from me. I wanted a better understanding on just what exactly co-dependency was. This friendship heavily crashed and burned in a way that I couldn't have imagined. I had a friend that I relied on a lot over a couple of years, and she relied on me a lot as well. I loved her like a sister because of how well we connected. We were dependent on each other, and eventually it reached that point that you mentioned where I was that friend they were trying to fix. I didn't budge because it felt like the demands were too needy and that I was being shaped into only her ideal friend because of how she worded it. I was hurt by how drastic her conclusion was on our friendship, even though I was busy with school, depressed, and some of things that she brought up was stuff I didn't like. It was going to be okay. We were planning on a break, something that I had originally brought up first. I brought up how I was hurt by what she said and that my emotions got the better of me. I still needed time from her because she didn't give me the space when I isolated myself and panicked thinking I was committing suicide. And she agreed to it. It would've been fine. However, a day after that break started, my father passed away from suicide. I went back to her, seeking help because I didn't want to be alone. However, she still wanted that break, for up to 6-12 months, which would've possibly included her other friends as well. Considering that they only wanted to be around her, I had good logic as to why I thought this way. I ended up lashing out at her because of this, something I'm holding a lot of guilt on, because I didn't have the support I wanted or the reliable amount of money to seek help. I know why she wanted this break, I really do. But I desperately needed her help here, and thus couldn't handle my emotions again. I just wish I could've grieved properly. I wouldn't have bitched at her in any other circumstance.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Oh I am sorry about your father and the timing of this friendship crash. I hope you have other means of support. Grief usually takes precedence over examining life lessons. Please take extra good care of yourself. There are good grief groups out there ( one called Grief Share ) and Al-Anon or CODA for support around codependency issues.

[@carlosmares5796]

Thank you for sharing your experiences we appreciate it!

[@MichelleFarrismft]

You are so welcome!

[@HanaRosePrevious]

What’s the balance between being self-sufficient and also being a human being, where we are naturally community based and require connection to thrive? I keep looking for friends to be my community but they want something less involved. And it always blows up at some point - difference of interest/value in friendships.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Each person's boundaries will be different here - bit you'll know because if you are doing too much for others you'll likely start to feel resentful or tired. In terms of finding deeper friends - that's why I love 12 step groups - they provide a variety of peeps that are usually open to developing a connections. It's all a practice.

[@HanaRosePrevious]

@@MichelleFarrismft thank you. I’ll keep this in mind.

[@naturaeclamatadipsovoxtumu1713]

I recognise I’m needy but I don’t understand if I’m codependent or not. I have this friendship ever since I was 12 ( I’m now 23) and I learnt to detach myself from her because I felt like she didn’t really value me as a friend or as a person even though she always came to me when she had problems. And she still does, but I don’t see the same interest in what concerns my life. She says it’s because I don’t open up easily but I would if I felt like she cared. I really want to end this friendship but whenever she does something stupid like complimenting me or being nice to me I feel so satisfied and complete; I thrive on that feeling as if her validation was the only thing I ever needed. I never felt like this in a friendship and I hate it, it makes me feel embarassed. I’m very afraid of confronting her, she somehow intimidates me, and I also blame myself for not ending things when I had the chance to. I’m a lost case😅 What do you think?

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Don't be so hard on yourself, friendships are challenging especially when you realize that their validation means more than you'd like it to - you are NOT a lost case. I don't know if you are codependent but maybe watch my Codependency playlist videos to see if it feels right? Growth begins with awareness and you definitely have that! Thanks for watching! I hope that helps.

[@terryc4883]

Stumbled on your video, long term friend co dependent has an illness and is angry… I have recently been sick and we had a discussion over the course of a few weeks about getting together. I would have to pick her up. Christmas passed and again I was taking care of my own medical issues and forgot I had invited her over but she had been sick Christmas week. I apologized for forgetting and got a lashing and saying she is not surprised. I kinda was surprised cause I tried to fix the situation by saying hey I have Friday off I could come pick you up… I received very little response…the responses I received was about celebrating my birthday which was a separate trip I invited her on but received nasty responses and very little. This is a long term friendship I stayed quiet I didn’t have a big response. She seemed upset and angry. I tried to provide a solution but it seemed pointless. I am a people pleaser and wanted to make it right. Thanks for the video.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

I just made a video on people pleasing What is People Pleasing: Signs and Solutions for Speaking Up kzbin.info/www/bejne/oIHTf6KMqK5gZ9k

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Also, I’m sorry to hear that. Codependent Friendships are tough - I just created a free guide on this. You can only do your part but that’s enough to create change! Thanks for watching.

[@Florida_gyrl]

I have been in too many co dependent friendships! This one I noticed pretty quickly the woman was trying to fast track the friendship and I just met her and she is asking inappropriate questions and wants me to go on vacations with her and come to her house. Very strange. But I’m trying to distance myself from her now. But I can tell this will be hard for her. She seems to actually need me in her life.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

I love that you could spot it so fast! Good for you, that's great recovery!

[@jj-jn3vz]

Thank you! Very useful video

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Thanks for watching!

[@fleurpeffer5212]

This was really helpful for me, thankyou for being so honest

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Absolutely - I want you to know you're not alone!

[@hannakarpf4955]

Thank you so much; it's all food for thought :-). just subscribed. It occurs to me that perhaps boundaries should somehow be established clearly beforehand so that we'll know what to expect and what not to cross: not that I have a clue as to how:)

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yes boundaries are a good thing to discuss when the time is right. Thanks for watching Hanna!

[@hannakarpf4955]

Michelle, thank you indeed; I enjoyed watching.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

@@hannakarpf4955 That really makes me happy! I have some free journal prompts around healing codependency - if you have any interest. :)

[@avanellehansen4525]

I set so many boundaries with my codependent friend, that i felt like i was trying to change her! That would be codependent if me. When i accepted her fir who she was, i ended the friendship. Absolutely exhausting!

[@zeruszephuros5419]

Oh man, aftertrying to find a video or professional talking abut this, i finally find your channel

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yay! I’m glad you found me!!

[@Hi-gt9vi]

As a person who is being clingy or overly-attached to my ex, I realize that she really desperate need some space and trying to stay away from me after did constantly message her a lot so yeah, make sense why she hate me and now I'm leaving her alone and trying to not being clingy

[@MichelleFarrismft]

That sounds like a big ah ha for you! Find the support you need - like Al-Anon or Coda ( both 12 step programs for codependency ) can be quite helpful.

[@Hi-gt9vi]

@@MichelleFarrismft Thank you so much a lot and I will do those step ^^

[@MichelleFarrismft]

@@Hi-gt9vi great! You might want to watch my video on codependency recovery too! Codependency in Relationships: 5 Stages of Recovery You Need to Know kzbin.info/www/bejne/nIS9onaijZqki8k

[@paigem7886]

Man, I would love to chat with you one on one. I've tried to touch on codependency in therapy and I'm not sure my therapist is familiar, or is perhaps engulfed in codependency herself (it seems to be a societal epidemic..). But everytime I watch a video on codependency, it resonates like nothing else. It was interesting to learn that I am the "non codependent" friend in my own scenario and hearing your perspective from the "codependent" side is so refreshing and enlightening. I'm worried that my friend is too in the thick of it to fully understand these concepts even when communicated. there's too much nuance to tell you everything here, but after she did something that unintentionally hurt me deeply, It caused me to reassess the friendship and it feels like a switch has been turned. I wrote an email, we've talked and are now taking space. but I see her suffering as I gain my footing. It kills me to know she's hurting, but I just can't anymore. It especially hurts because I'm a recovering people pleaser. Anyways... Thanks for the great video!

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I know how hard it is to let go but sometimes, that’s the healthiest choice.

[@Sungoddess_crystal_healer]

Thank you for telling your story ❤

[@MichelleFarrismft]

You’re welcome! Unfortunately I think it’s pretty common and needs to be talked about so we can heal.

[@Sungoddess_crystal_healer]

@@MichelleFarrismft stories and examples help me the most. I could relate to some of what you said. It also triggered me on me knowing how you felt...and you also addressed that issue with childhood and taking on other peoples emotions. I'm working on being myself in my own energy. Thank you for pointing it out to me again. It was nice to have that refresher.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

@@Sungoddess_crystal_healer yeah that ending was a huge wake-up call in my recovery. It was totally worth it though - I will never make someone else my Higher Power again!

[@MichelleFarrismft]

You’re welcome. I know this is not easy but letting go was the best thing in the long run.

[@faramund9865]

Why am I like this though? Rather than hitting the breaks, is there some way I can enjoy the friendship and not suffocate them?

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yes, work on your codependency :) This might help counselingrecovery.lpages.co/codependent-relationship-freebie/

[@haihai5293]

Super, love you Michelle.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Thank you Hai Hai -

[@victoriassecretshewasmadeu3144]

I just was listening to telephone by beonce and lady gaga when u found ur link oooh

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Thanks for watching! I’m glad you found me! I love that song too!

[@MsBettyBoop2509]

Im sorry...why wasn't the friend answering nor returning your call?.. i dont believe because ive experienced trauma and working thru, deserve to be treated like a second class citizen....so again y isnnt the friend wrong for not answering? I feel if this was a safe friendship, u wldnt feel need to call 6times...u wld call once and be confident enough of their love and respect for u to know they will call back.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Because I called 6 times in 2 days which was excessive. I had a history of relying too much on this person which is common in codependency. It actually turned out to be a very valuable lesson.

[@MsBettyBoop2509]

@MichelleFarrismft I'm assuming they had answered in the 2days. I understand exactly where u r coming from..however as we heal I'm also conscious of taking on too much of the blame. Guess I'm triggered in a way 😆 🤣 so don't mind me...

[@MichelleFarrismft]

@@MsBettyBoop2509 I don’t mind at all. She did eventually call back and that’s when I realized it was too much. I know triggers can be challenging- ironically I just put out todays video on codependency and anger 😀

[@11gomer]

Dude, that friend should have talked to you before just cutting you off!! That doesn’t sound like it was all on you

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yeah it takes 2! Thanks for that!

[@robinwatkins8528]

Is the problem that you're codependent, or that, for some reason, you're drawn to a certain kind of person? Maybe you should think about why you're drawn to them rather than to people who value closeness more?

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Codependent people are often attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable or toxic. You make an interesting point - asking yourself why you are attracted to certain people is a good start. Thanks for watching!

[@laurafennell9084]

Isn't it fair though for her to speak her needs too? 2nd friendship...I totally get focusing on ourselves but I'd expect my friend to tell me their truth and my job would be to hold space to hear their truth

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Absolutely- both people should feel comfortable asking for what they need - the key is to not put too much expectation on one friendship.

[@filipazeeshan]

People who are needy like that need a therapist, not a friend!

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yes, and some can heal with group support like Al-Anon or Coda or ACA groups. Thanks for watching!

[@beoogletrinh1073]

She does not even know the definition of codepency. Look it up. She is talking about dependency. How could we trust anything she says?

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Here is my definition of codependency - it's a pattern where you focus on others at your own expense and look outside of yourself for self-worth. Hope that helps :)

[@avanellehansen4525]

You can be a codependent with a dependent attatchment style.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

@@avanellehansen4525 Yes or anxious attachment. Thanks for watching!