The Paradox of Love & Hate: Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder - BPD Relationship Expert

WARNING: This video was not meant to be a resource for those who have Borderline Personality Disorder(BPD), which is a very unfortunate psychological disorder. The video was created as a resource to victims of abuse, past and present, from people diagnosed with BPD. I do not believe that people with BPD are all the same, and are equally abusive. I do know that they hurt the people that they love. Some of them hurt these people very badly.
This video is NOT a resource for people suffering with BPD. In fact, it will surely aggravate their condition. Although I believe I know a great deal about the disorder, I am neither a specialist nor an expert in the treatment of it. My skill set is with people who I refer to as “Self-Love Deficients” (codependents) who have Self-Love Deficit Disorder (codependency).
Those who criticize my video(s) on BPD are misinformed about who I am. I neither represent people with BPD, nor do I ever try to. Rather, I am a psychotherapist who provides mental health services to people who are SLD’s (codependents) and trauma survivors. My work is about empowerment, healing and escaping abusive relationships. This is evident in my Human Magnet Syndrome book and my other video and training materials.
My intention is not to malign people with BPD, but to empower and lead my clients away from their compulsion to stay in relationships with individuals who are harmful and abusive to them. My work represents people who want to heal psychological wounds and who take personal responsibility for their actions. I AM AGAINST abusive individuals who narcissistically justify their harmful behavior or blame it on the victims. If that fits with people diagnosed with BPD, or for that matter, NPD or ASPD, then I offer no apologies.
ABOUT ROSS
Ross Rosenberg M.Ed., CADC, is Self-Love Recovery Institute’s CEO and primary contributor. His internationally recognized expertise includes pathological narcissism, narcissistic abuse, and attachment trauma. Ross’s “Codependency Cure™ Treatment Program provides innovative and results-oriented treatment. His expert educational and inspirational seminars have earned him international acclaim, including his 21 million KZbin video views and 230K subscribers. In addition to being featured on national TV and radio, his “Human Magnet Syndrome” books sold over 138K copies and are in 9 languages. Ross provides expert testimony/witness services.
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPD #MentalHealth #Narcissism

[@Miss80five]

The hurting themselves for attention is not always the case. We sometimes hurt ourselves to punish OURSELVES, not the partner.

[@abitnf7s]

You should work out. Hurt your muscles instead. It also comes with a bonus side. Several, actually.

[@SamTarani]

Dear Kim, you deserve to be cared for...Not punished!! And, we do care and love!!!Please try to remember next time that you think of punishing yourself. You are not alone!!💕

[@monitoroxfordhouse2125]

OK?

[@kermitlvr]

1000%

[@macasofia]

Kim Such I was just thinking the same

[@daniellestrelec8509]

as a suicidal borderline person. i just wanna say i for one dont ever try to hurt myself in order to hurt others. i also have Major depression and ALL of my suicidal thoughts and actions are due to losing all hope and wanting pain to end.

[@amh14]

I have a few friends that have passed from condition related to suicide. I understand it. I hope you hold on and know tomorrow will come and you'll be okay. Noone wants to die I believe. it's just a fix to end the emotional suffering I suppose ... I would think of my kids my family everyone I would Impact. That made me feel selfish thinking of ending it. If ppl think ahead and visualized the aftermath. It's sad, but you then realize it's easier to stay. Hurting yourself would impact more than u... family friends so many people would hurt over u. So There's hope! Just some don't make it thru the emotional storm and end the pain. My heart bleeds for anyone in need of comfort! God bless.

[@reneetuer1860]

I totally agree with you. Major depression is hell. When I am suicidal, I don't let anyone know, they don't know how to respond..nothing helps..it has to pass...someday I probably will.

[@principlemethods5281]

The mother of my children and now x wife is borderline. She has gone from idealizing me and loving me to hating me. All because she wasmt letting my children see my side of the family so i put my foot down and left. She hates me intensely now and ghe children are sufferring. What is your advice?

[@JamesTyreeII]

Success4TheBest my ex and mother of my child also suffers from BPD and I suffer from SLDD

[@JohnDoe-id1es]

@@principlemethods5281 sorry to hear, Brother. I hope things get better

[@mallory5872]

Borderlines also commit suicide because of feelings of hopelessness and loneliness.

[@markomarkovic5340]

Who do more suicide narcissistic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder?

[@theresagartner5651]

very true.. that’s when the important symptom of depression comes into the disorder

[@annetteenmen1163]

Self harm and suicide is not about hurting the other people or to get attention of others in some borderlines. It is personal . They do not care about how it effects others around them. You are completely disengaged from others.

[@monitoroxfordhouse2125]

OK?

[@hikaruyume901]

Monitor Oxford House why do you keep saying “OK?”

[@natec3390]

I was married to someone with BPD for 6 years. Its abusive and exhausting, honestly the only good thing that came out of it was it inspired me to complete my PhD in Clinical Psychology to better understand/help people with mental disorders. My ex presented basically all of the DSM5 features. Our relationship was very chaotic and very much I love you, I hate you. Walking on eggshells and never knowing what would set them off. She often used suicidal ideations as a weapon telling me she was going to kill herself and it was my fault. We eventually split up, and she instantly moved in/bought a house with/married someone else. Unfortunately my ex-partner still isn't ready to seek treatment. She has tried before, but as soon as a therapist challenges her behavior she explodes on them and terminates the relationship. I would categorize the relationship overall as emotionally abusive (now that I know more/better not in the midst of it). Its very traumatic and I feel for both people that suffer from BPD and their loved ones.

[@RippleDrop.]

I am sorry you went through that. I was with someone with BPD aswell and it was horrible and hell and he moved on instantly. He does not care who he is with. Anyone will do really.

[@chrisfranz]

My ex has borderline. It was a painful relationship. Thankfully she was more low on the spectrum and was willing to do the work but her depression added additional difficulties. She's doing better these days and we are still friends.

[@jordansaintemarie]

“They believe that if their partner quit upsetting them, everything would be fine” This made me burst into tears as I recall the onus that was put on me in my relationship ship with an abusive bpd man. Once he had his mind made up about what I had done or why I had done it, there was no convincing him. There was never anything I could do to make him believe the truth.

[@briansanlon575]

Very true no mater how much I tried with my porderline x she had it in her mind but in the end i could not take anymore now she just does the same thing drinking and drugs put a ring on her finger she said i was still cheating its a never ending road i moved on and never spoke to her again had to put a end to it stay strong

[@corneliastreet2491]

I think that this can be true, but I think as it’s a cyclical thing most of the time we realize we are the problem, we just don’t have good strategies to deal with it. YOU are not the problem. Remember that. When you are around someone with BPD, small things can make them feel scared and panicked, and it’s NOT your fault. But to anyone with BPD who feels alienated, ostracized, or hurt by this video: it’s not hopeless, there’s a reason you act in unpredictable ways, and it doesn’t define you as a person. You are not a bad person. People with BPD aren’t inherently abusive, and you can absolutely take steps to look out for yourself that help you to be a better partner, friend, parent, etc. Once you understand the ACTUAL reasons for your behavior (which are often misstated in this video, but as is the tendency with the serious stigma against BPD), you can work on permanent systematic changes to help moderate and regulate your response to difficult emotions and circumstances.

[@RippleDrop.]

I know. It is so awful. Nothing you'll ever say can convince they are delusional. :(

[@leepoon1664]

I just recently realized I have suffered with this my entire life and it has ruined every love I've ever had. I don't feel offended or attacked by these insights, and agree strongly with how you describe us. I disagree that these videos are not for people with BPD because i find a lot of empathy in what you say and it's helping me a lot to understand myself.

[@joycejnn]

Me too

[@setayeshkhalili8043]

Lee Poon how did you start realizing it ? I very like would like to talk to you about this please

[@jamesbow5916]

You bring a good point. So much of BPD stems from a need for validation. It is an almost impossible task to speak truthfully to someone with BPD AND be validating. I think this is why so many with BPD absolutely cringe at videos like this. They see other's experience of their lives to be invalidating..... so it sends them further down the path of shame and pain.

[@angeladdrown]

i disagree with this. i have been on the edge of suicidal and it was not to hurt another person, but because the frustration of life with borderline becomes exhausting.

[@daminasanders3027]

But some do or day that for the attention

[@dylansmith2550]

Exhausting is the word

[@marleneguillory6512]

My daughter does this all the time for attention.

[@drina4706]

Yes.

[@SamTarani]

@Brandon Babbitt, I wish that was true! However, all individuals are different with different situations and different symptoms. Shouldn't really generalize it in this manner as you did. I would be happy that she/he hasn't done anything like that! Also, hope that never do in the future!

[@lisasays6174]

According to a talk at Yale University by experts in neuropsychology, the borderline has notably altered cognitive function, specifically surrounding visual short term memory/recall, and impulse control. Essentially, even if someone with BPD is able to recognize an opportunity to use a skill learned in therapy, or able to realize a feeling going on within - especially when stressed - they aren't able to connect the dots in real time to what they've now forgotten they had earlier learned. Which I have so much compassion for, as the pain of being chronically misunderstood must create an aloneness that justifies their self abuse and frustrated attempts to get someone's attention and concern or, alternatively, end their life. We have compassion for toddlers challenged with expressing complex ideas and emotions using their limited vocabularies, and we don't reject them or call them manipulative when they finally breakdown from frustration and desperation to be validated and seen; why would we say that about an adult going through the exact same thing (albeit enduring invalidation for decades rather than a few years)? Here's a link to the talk: kzbin.info/www/bejne/iJi9qpJ7aNN7iMU

[@SandraLovesRoses]

+Lisa Says - very delayed comment but I wanted to answer your question on how we have compassion for toddlers and we don't reject them or call them manipulative. Actually, we do call them manipulative. It is okay to be manipulative if it is not harmful. Toddlers do this. It is their nature. But they aren't abusing people. That is the difference. Manipulate has different variations, usage and outcomes. It is how one handles situations and people. Can be used for good, too. Maybe we should clarify the type. I guess if it is a manipulative gesture, done without conscious intention, but with a very damaging result nonetheless, we need to come up with a different word to describe that. Let's see: unconscious, manipulative, destructive. Hmmm. How about "somhandestive"? Som: sleep (unconscious) + hand (manipulate) + destive (destroy)? From old english and latin roots. And we can be have pity and at the same time know someone is a danger and stay clear. It is what it is. We stay clear of sharks. But they can't help that they are sharks. We still aren't going to be friends with them.

[@catdeluxeatday]

👏

[@memphislabella]

Because toddlers are manipulative as a stage of normal human development. It’s a phase, and they grow out of it. People with BPD abuse others and are not going to change without a lot of help and an real desire to heal. My younger sister has BPD, I wouldn’t wish her presence on my worst enemy. I haven’t spoken to her in years. My only regret is not cutting her out of my life sooner. She threatens suicide for attention all the time and it devastates my parents. After all the destruction she’s caused, never would I have compassion for her or others like her. She’s a monster. Like the previous poster said, sharks are sharks. You don’t worry about why they’re sharks, you just stay the fuck away.

[@drina4706]

Yeah. No. Plenty of bpds in therapy and recovery. Able to apply the skills learned. One is my cousin. He is able to control his emotions. Uh, maybe this applies to people who are at the highest level on the spectrum because I see so many who are applying mindfulness, DBT, CBT in their lives in real time! I.e. connecting the dots in real time.

[@drina4706]

@@memphislabella But it is a spectrum!!! My cousin is not like your sister! He doesn't behave like that and I haven't cut him out of my life because I have no reason to do that! He is loving and kind and empathetic!!! BPD is a spectrum Disorder... NOT everyone will have the same symptoms!!!

[@Ponskippa]

Thank you. Your videos have made me realize that I maybe codependent. I was caught up in a cycle with someone with signs of BPD. I tried to help and tried my hardest to be understanding and compassionate. It exhausted me. I've just purchased your book and will read it soon as I get it

[@suwesenoj3792]

I have bpd and this video is really on point with a lot of the issues I deal with. thank you for making this video.

[@a.j.4024]

You're either a sociopath, a covert narcissist, or someone harboring a deep hatred for all who suffer from BPD, likely because you were hurt and unable to cope with your feelings in real life, so you decided to troll any videos you could find in order to say what you didn't have the courage to say to the person who hurt you... because no one with BPD would find/use a video like this as a helpful resource for coping with their disorder. He implicitly states it's NOT for sufferers of BPD. Either way, I hope you find the professional help you so clearly need. It's not on KZbin. Cheers!

[@jcefalo2001]

Dick

[@anneneem]

@@a.j.4024 are you ok buddy

[@JamesTyreeII]

A. J. What?

[@corneliastreet2491]

I think this video is helpful and also spreading a lot of misinformation. As someone with BPD, there are parts where I feel really seen and validated, and parts where he makes us sound like cartoon villains. It’s pretty typical of any content surrounding BPD because the stigma and misinformation keeps spreading and warping, but people still understand the basis of it and the core ideas.

[@fineneighborhood]

After leaving my husband a few times but then being coaxed back, I decided to leave for good and I stood my ground. I was kind but firm about leaving. This was two months ago. He kept trying to win me back because it always worked in the past. I didn't budge but told him I'd be there for him always and wouldn't abandon him...I'd be his friend. Two days ago, he shot himself in the head. He's in the morgue now and I'm a widow rather than a divorced person. It's an impossible situation...can't stay and can't leave. I feel guilt and I know I shouldn't. I just can't shake that feeling. I'm devastated.

[@kathrynmurphy7671]

magentawave uneducated douche

[@yankyspiegelman1618]

Don't let him manipulate you from the grave.

[@padraigfarrell2413]

Sorry to hear this.

[@Jazzmarcel]

Scary shit! I was just with a pwBPD who ran off at 9 months pregnant!……. Dangerous people!

[@NewBird5]

I am suffering from this disease & also going through a breakup right now. I have been in therapy since a month but my bf is already enough abused. He has taken me back enough times in our 3 month relationship. But this time , he's done. Every time I would split , get him back , then beg to come back , he would flatter me , spend good time together , then again comes my dark side , feeling fear / insecure , I would again lose control of my emotions , verbal /emotional abuses, panic attacks when he come & try to comfort me , I would be rageful in that moment, scream him to just leave me alone. He is gone now. Became a alcoholic person from a non-alcoholic . I see him in depression. He told me he wants some time to be fine. Keeps himself busy. Doesnt wanna meet me in person. His & mine, health & work are affected. He just wants to stay in touch . I think mainly because he still cares for me & would just talk about general stuff like how my mood is , and if I m eating properly. I actually value him and love him with my soul. We Decided to be together rest of the life. When I saw the first signs of my uncontrollable verbal assault, I was shocked myself , as to how I can treat a gentleman like this & started talking to psychologists. We are mentally sick , we need love but people are getting damaged by staying around us , so yea until we fix our mental illness , we should stay alone. By hurting the guy who I love so dearly & feel a soulmate relationship, I feel I should just be alone , than to hurt him & grieve. I wish I got my treatment before I found him. If I lose this guy , I am never ever gonna wanna be with anyone else. Just like this sick disease has been in my brain , all the loving memories of him also lie in me forever.

[@91hsh]

I have BPD and I think in order to fix myself, the first step is to admit to the some of these things.

[@brinazarski]

Hey man. I just want to say, as someone who has been diagnosed with BPD, I found this video helpful. You helped me think about why I do the things I do.

[@Sanela1]

Finally someone who's mind is really functioning and is willing to think about the information shared, and is not trying to GASLIGHT Ross Rosenberg ...as many here do and even using a very poor street language!

[@marinai3633]

I was misdiagnosed as bipolar but I know I'm borderline. I feel like a child that never grew up at times

[@michaelbacchiocchi8111]

Dear Ross - It is truly painful listening to your summaries of BPD behaviors and how their partners are affected. It really is straight talk and hits home for me. You really nailed it saying how it's extremely difficult to manage when you actually live with them and witness the ups and downs - or in my case sharing everything together being married with our kid and a stepson to boot. That's where the dynamic is entirely different. And as a recovering codependent I understand now why I could not just enjoy life and living - because every day was spent wondering when the other shoe would drop. Just pouring love on them is still not enough, and eventually you'll become empty and a shell of yourself. BPD's have little real empathy - their acts of love are mostly based on their own needs. She would try to give but it would largely come with strings attached. And any acts of self-love would be chastised as she would use guilt and control to keep herself feeling safe inside - because if I didn't need her then it's possible I could abandon her. In the end I wound up forgetting entirely how to enjoy life and live happily. I eventually checked out emotionally and spent more time watching TV or playing on my iPhone for example. This became the beginning of the end. It's been over 3 years since the separation and eventual divorce and I still have moments of sadness and regret - thinking that I could have somehow did something else to change the situation, or get her help, or something else. But that's my inner codependent victim talking. In reality I would have had to also understand my codependency to really address the condition from an objective standpoint. Of course, that's easier said than done... Thank you again for sharing your understanding and insight into this area. To the other readers, I agree there is certainly a lot more to this condition than is illustrated here - but the intent is to help the partners understand and cope better.

[@RossRosenberg]

To the people who ask, "can you be a BPD and a Codependent: It is my experience that you cannot be both. This makes sense according to my definition of codependency. Codependents are selfless and do not push people away. Borderline’s love deeply (unlike NPD’s) but their fear of abandonment makes them completely focused on their selves at the expense of others. This is not true for codependents

[@RainFall2112]

+Ross Rosenberg I disagree. I've met one. I've love to talk to you about how they operated and how the cognitive dissonance made sense. We could easily record/have a skype comment. Because this person's campaigns were concerted and malevolent, i have easily spent 200 hours researching BPD/NPD and codependence.

[@tlarson1977]

motchka well said

[@lizziecarrasco6599]

I appreciate your videos, in my case you are describing my husband exactly as he is and your videos are helping me understand thank you.

[@oliviad6713]

Thank you for clarifying that. Some time ago a therapist suggested I might have BPD, however he was the only one. When I researched it, I do not think I fit that profile (adn I've had a lifetime to look back on now). I think I am a severe unrecovered codependent :), and I can see how a novice, nor therapist not familiar with these disorders might mistake them. I've read about BPD, and (well we all have a few things in common with all disorders, I think, lol) , I do not fit the profile. I do not have rages, in fact.. until this past month, I've never really allowed myself to feel or be angry. And no, I don't ever push people away nor are the issues I have with the probably narc boyfriend I do not have with any other people in my life (as I understand, personality disorders are pervasive throughout the person's life and relationships. For example my ex boyfriend has trouble in all relationship. He is always mad at some friend (who he never lets get to close anyway) because of something they did or said to him (which is usually something trivial), he cannot keep a job, or stay in a band (as a musician) because he becomes demanding, wants everything his way, etc. And most smart people run from him.. except me. So, I hope I can get to the place where I also really want to do that also.

[@rebeccarose3128]

I am both. I am an extremely sensitive and compassionate empath. I am also a confident leader. I am a codependent and a quiet bpd avoidant. my bpd is internal and my main issue is intimate relationships. to the public I appeal "perfect". It is an internal battle.

[@tlotus3032]

Thank you so much for this video! My father is a borderline, so is my sister and my mother is a narcissist. They are violent and one becomes afraid to call them on their shit for fear of being killed or for them to kill themselves. They are the Eeyores constantly actually thinking they are the victims even when they physically attack others. If they do apologize it's still all about them and they cry and you have to comfort them. Very emotional. All about them- always! So dangerous if they lull you into a false sense of security, be very afraid they are never predictable.

[@annemiedhauwe3665]

I am now 45 y old. I know over more than 20 years that I have BPD. I had 20 years of therapie, and still I'M feeling so abandond.However I have a good sight on this disorder and I never manipulated everyone else! I have too much empathy. I was a nurse and a midwife. I could not forget when something went wrong. I was Always stressed. Now I am completely alone! A cross that I have to bare...

[@RossRosenberg]

The video is to help the victims of severe physical, verbal and/or emotional abuse at the hands of a partner who has BPD. As long as I receive positive feedback that these videos validate their experience and gives them hope to heal their wounds, then the video has purpose, and will stay. Again, these videos are meant to help and support VICTIMS of the abuse perpetrated by those who have Borderline Personality Disorder. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE to be compassionate to both sides when discussing the topic I chose. That is like me watering down my condemnation for sex addicts who cheat on their wife (and families) because of their addiction. Quite the contrary, I hold them responsible for their actions while giving them an opportunity to make amends, to achieve sobriety and recovery and to rebuild their lives. And because I provide psychotherapy to them, I am involved in this specific healing process. At the end of the day, I am a psychotherapist, not judge and executioner.

[@flexibledreamer7846]

What would you recommend for a person with BPD who was severely hurt by a Narcissistic individual? Your videos gives me a lot perspective. Is it possible that a traumatic relationship with a sociopath could bring one's "dormant" BPD to an ugly head?

[@marilyncleopatra9308]

I know from studying dysfunctional families that family members will sometimes prod the scapegoat until the scapegoat acts out. BPD can be caused by trauma, though most experts believe some people are predisposed to emotional extremes. Being around someone who provokes you isn't going to help anyone control their emotions. Some people who were traumatized as children find or put themselves in relationships where the trauma is repeated. They may feel most comfortable around Narcissists. The cycle can be very hard to break. It takes a lot of introspection and effort.

[@theer1ca]

+magentawave I have BPD. I also have what was called "major depression and anxiety. I also happen to be very empathetic. I do hurt people I'm close to emotionally because of whatever is going on, and I'm extremely fortunate to be around people who understand that at those times I don't mean it, and they're very supportive. I have sought treatment, I am currently going through treatment. I am not a narcissist by any means. I am fully aware after the fact that what I'm doing isn't right, but the disorder takes away control for a few moments sometimes and I "explode" as he was saying. He mentions in the video that we feel extreme shame and guilt after we realize what we've done to people, and I want to emphasize that as someone who does have this disorder. I don't mean to hurt anyone, but I do. I lose control of my emotions and I snap. I have never physically harmed someone, but I say very cruel things to my closest friends. I try to push them away in order to fulfill that sense that I'm "being abandoned" so that I guess I feel justified, in those moments. It's a complicated disorder. Everyone reacts differently but it's unfair to say that even "most" BPDs are "pathological narcissists [who] will never seek treatment". I'm sorry you've had what I assume is a bad experience with a BPD personality, and I know the general feelings toward people with this disorder are negative. But consider for a moment that the very basis of it is a complete loss of control. We don't want to be this way. I don't want to be this way, hence seeking help. Nobody should use their disorder as an excuse to their behavior but it should be a starting point of explanation at least. As for any other BPD sufferers watching this video-- please seek help. Maybe not in the form of medication but talk to someone. Explain to the people around you how you're feeling and they are much more likely to be understanding. A little communication goes a long way. It isn't our fault that we have this disorder but it is our responsibility to control it.

[@theer1ca]

Marilyn Chilton I agree that people with BPD are fairly demonized, but it isn't as if that comes from nowhere. We do hurt people. We don't mean to, but we do. There has to be accountability for that, or it won't be possible to heal. While I do agree that the people offering 'advice' to "avoid" or "get away" from people with BPD is hurtful and offensive, I also know that there are genuine victims from BPD as well. It takes a great deal of compassion, understanding, and love to deal with some of the explosive behavior some of us can exhibit and some people simply can't do it. I think both sides of the coin are victims of the same thing, but in different ways. That isn't to say there aren't assholes making things up about us because they had a particularly bad experience with someone that either was, or they accused of having BPD. There are, and they do perpetuate the negative stereotype, but that's why I think we need to find a better way to explain what it is we're going through. Like I said, very complicated illness.

[@theer1ca]

Marilyn Chilton I'm aware of what stigma means. Do I have to remind you that I have BPD? I'm not attacking you or others with it.

[@mallory5872]

And not all borderlines are unaware that they have a problem. there are also problems with poverty and long waiting lists for dbt, lack of good connection with a therapist. i have had to fight to get the treatment i need and still do.

[@dbey8422]

The motive isnt to cause others pain or hurt anybody, in their mind they are screaming for help and think the only person who can save them doesnt care. That is the reality. Its pain so deeply rooted in their minds that even self reflecting combined with shame and disgrace cant prevent it from reoccurring again. Its not for attention. Its holding everything in until the breaking point is reached. Thats my experience. You are talking about some sort of sociopath in this video I think...

[@lucibloom5966]

+David Bey The outcome is still the same. In reality it creates a LOT of distress for the people they are threatening to kill themselves to.

[@thecastle09]

David Bey self hate and rage is overwhelming often. Sucks. Attention is def a motivation

[@cherisity]

No attention equals abandonment equals hurt and painful feeling?

[@sillyredhead1401]

As the victim of a BPD mother, I can fully see what you're saying as I have been healing from some of my own deep emotional wounds this last year. I can have deep empathy for her pain. But it does not make up for the deep pain it has caused me. I can have both empathy for her and be valid in my anger/frustration/pain/suffering for how I was raised. It's one thing to have a relationship with a BPD, but a whole other thing to be a child of a BPD parent. Unfortunately, her pain was always "worse" than mine and I was the reason for all of her suffering, the total whipping post, with no escape. It's actually a breath of fresh air to have someone like Ross validate all of our thoughts and feelings, for a lifetime of being told you were crazy, evil or selfish by the very parent that was supposed to protect you, nurture you and support you in life. Let us have our validation so we can heal. We can not save you or fix you.

[@crystalreyes94]

David Bey well said

[@RossRosenberg]

Lilia, It is not a myth that some BPD's are self-destructive in order to manipulate others. The research/literature is rife with examples of this. Books like "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me and Walking on Eggshells" exemplify this dynamic. It is true that not all BPD's do this, but many do. It is just a clinical fact.

[@Gwynethquintavollie]

As someone that is married and has kids that is living with BPD I find your video, in the way things are worded in some areas, extremely offensive.

[@DrTokeru]

Rune Lige Right? He made it sound like borderlines should not have relationships. Although, thats likely just me being black and white again... hrm...

[@Gwynethquintavollie]

magentawave​ wow really? Not reproduce. ... I have two kids and they are my world. Not every person with BPD has extreme symptoms. I keep my BPD traits in check and my husband helps with that. My family and I are healthy have care plans in place for when I have an episode, which hasn't happened since I was 19. I'm 24 and live a normal life just like everyone else. And so do many others.

[@sasha01198]

magentawave well if you don't believe her and people with BPD believe specialists and people who actually study the whole problem not just throw around hurtful views that can make the person suffering from BPD feel devalued and worthless. BPD has been the most studied disorder in the last 10 years so you can find all sorts of information and studies.

[@DrTokeru]

Magenta likely was involved with bpd person and was not prepared to deal with it. Now he's scorned. It's a natural reaction.

[@Julia-en1ok]

You hit the nail on head - every single sentence you say is the most accurate description out there.

[@georgebryant7571]

WOW. Again, thank you for taking the time to not only put together this message but also to share it. I'm gaining a much better understanding of both my experience as well as the person I was involved w/. I saw red flags on our second date. Things became sexual very quickly. What's weird is that she was exceptionally beautiful (and hopefully is still) and I knew intellectually that I should want to accept her advances (based on societal tactics she employed) but my gut told me otherwise. I have a pattern of attracting the same kinds of partners. Perhaps I have some issues of my own. I'll continue watching and thank you again.

[@cubanita365]

+Ross Rosenberg do not defend yourself or try to justify to others why you made these videos or why you said what you said in them. You are doing a great job, and as a child of a BPD I am finding this very informative and helpful. To the others: he is jot attacking BPDs or telling others to stay away from them, he is simply speaking the truth and helping those who have been extremely hurt by these people be able to heal and move on with their lives. If you can't understand that then I suspect that you yourselves may have some issues. Once again, thank you Ross!

[@internetperson9121]

A year ago I gave up and divorced my wife, who I think is borderline or very similar to it. I have felt enormous guilt from it, because I said in sickness and in health and it's apparently an illness. I didn't want to leave, but I wasn't strong enough to tolerate her behavior. Anyway, I've found MYSELF taking on borderline traits when we communicate (in between no contact stints) and thinking like her - strategically and cynically and quick to attack. I am going no contact again to try to find peace and it will help her move on too. I feel so so sorry for those with borderline and those who try to love them.

[@Aiyan777]

My heart humbly am so grateful to have found your video and book! For over a decade, I've been very confused and suffered in isolation and in pain with a lost voice and denial for years now. Through many nights of self medication and my early twenties of loss battles in relationships and careers, I've found and to self reflect a lot these seven years. Just started to write more openly and yes, all of the dots aligned to my personality and my cycles of deep darkness and uprise of false happiness. Very looking forward to find a good therapist and to truly write my story and to be completely raw and real. Thank you!

[@jacofouche8629]

i have bpd and i stay away from relationships and partners because i am really harmfull to myself and can be to others. dont want to hurt anybody, wasmarried for 17 years but fucked it up.

[@LindyLooo99]

I’m the codependent.... I am learning what about me attracts them. I’m distancing myself quicker and quicker each time

[@toismith2249]

Thankyou for your validation. I am married to a BPD. 8 yrs of marriage. last yr discovered he is an SA. 1 yr of recovery for SA and in Aug of this yr is experiencing full blown episodes of anger towards me. telling me I disgust him..wants a divorce..the spends a couple weeks being kind..but still is convinced of his needing a divorce. I have had trauma but am in extensive therapy. You have expressed exactly what is going on in my marriage. I am codependent more and have lovingly detached. so much pain

[@toismith2249]

codependent NO more

[@hazellucks1277]

This is a brilliant description . Thankyou this is extremely helpful .

[@saranikdel8351]

I loved your video, very simple yet very thorough. I was confused for 2 years, now it totally makes sense.

[@amberlynn2357]

I have bpd. All of what he is saying fits me all too well. This video is a very big anxiety trigger for me. Wow, just fucking wow.

[@jamiejuicejamiejuice]

It's triggering my anxiety too! Actually that may be from reading through the youtube comments. I've been trapped on this channel for over an hour now. This guy is just really good at what he does!

[@amberlynn2357]

I did the same thing. Looked at the videos for over an hour.

[@allieren]

Amber, I would take this video with a grain of salt. I am recovered from BPD, and Mr. Rosenberg, though I respect your right to your opinion (and your education), you haven't lived it; this video feels a little stigmatizing to me. All I'm saying is that there are many more videos out there, Amber...don't stop at just one. There are also some really good books you should check out. I particularly enjoyed Loud In The House Of Myself by Stacy Pershall.

[@karimeid5578]

Thank you very much for the overview of this syndrome. I suffered a lot with a woman with BPD and know I can see what happened over years summarised in 20 minutes.

[@Sc0rpic0m]

Awesome video! Never heard of the term codependant before. I was one for sure for my BPD ex. I always wanted to help and "fix" her, I felt attracted to help out for some reason. Now I realize I really have to watch out in the future for red flags. Recently broke free from her but I had to abandon my rental house, temporary stay in my parents house, change numbers, block her on all social media etc.. really crazy.. as you said, she went after me and my possesions (she pullled the phone out of my pocket and smashed it to the ground, braking it). The financial damage is big but it's a new beginning for me now :) Your info is straight legit, thanks for informing the public.

[@Phonexwing]

"One out of ten borderlines will die." So 9/10 are immortal? Awesome.

[@SeatherineJent]

Randy Treibel C Bee be jokin' son!

[@ChikoMontez]

Like russian roulette

[@emilyslaton2100]

People with BPD are pathological narcssists? Really? Because last time I checked, narcissistic personality disorder and Borderline Personality disorder are two VERY different things. People with BPD feel other people's pain and sadness deeply and feel extremely guilty for hours or even days if they even somewhat hurt someone. Also, LOTS of people with BPD have major depression as well which causes them to have low self esteem and they can neglect their appearance. The ONLY thing that people with BPD and narcissists have in common is that they are manipulative. However, the person with BPD is not conscious that they are being manipulative, they only are trying to alleviate the extreme emotional pain. Narcassits, contrarily, are FULLY conscious that they are being manipulative because they are egotistical and think everyone is below them.

[@rosemurphy07]

Emily Slaton I stopped watching the video once he referred to borderlines as pathological narcissists. Two very different personality disorders.

[@rosemurphy07]

shogun harlem BPD has similarities to bipolar, that doesn't make them the same thing. Many mental health disorders have cross overs with other disorders but comparing them to eachother is harmful to people with these disorders. The videos like the ones above done help anyone, with or without BPD.

[@ashofedenofficial]

People with BPD don't think they are the saint and the other person is the sinner. Splitting for BPD is more akin to...someone you love and loves you back is the best person in the entire world they can't do any wrong...until they aren't as bombastically enthusiastic about the relationship and then suddenly you think they don't love you anymore even though they still do the honey moon phase is just over, but you start thinking they are out to do you harm, and that they hate you or resent you and want to leave you.

[@andrewf3059]

Emily Slaton comorbid.. my borderline got lots of attention and turned total narrcistic

[@ashofedenofficial]

Right you know what happened to you, but that doesn't mean every single Borderline expresses their mental issues the same exact way, and it's impossible to have "narc" traits and be a borderline as borderlines feel genuine regret and other feelings a narc could never feel.

[@lpswolfwolfe9393]

I find these videos very helpful. I have BPD (I did read the warning) and though I am 30 yrs old just 2 weeks ago learned that I have this. I am in no way offended as others on here seem to take things personally on this thread. I am thankful your professionalism and expertise in explaining this illness to others that can't understand why others like me do the things we do. And I understand more about myself that I now see that I couldn't recognize before see you video. Thankyou Miss O

[@Ace-gs7fv]

This is spot on from someone who is co dependant and has been in 4 relationships with wemon who have bpd. Thanks for your videos.

[@Wizler71]

You explain things clearly and concisely. I've studied a lot of other articles and videos. You put together so many key points in a short presentation. Nice job!

[@kirakinloch4022]

I have bpd, i watch the videos aimed for victims of the actions of bpd. I didnt know for most of my life i had bpd or what bpd was. I find it really helpful in my recovery to see the perspective of those i have hurt. Most the time i didnt know what i was doing, it was very hard for me to see the damage i caused people. As i learn more from the perspective of my loved ones i better understand their hurt that they have tried to share with me. The factual way the information is presented and the thouroughness makes it sink in. I am very thankful for these videos, understanding the consequences of my actions helps me to be more mindful. I use the honest hard truth to make me even more determined to recover and learn how to have healthy relationships. I have more understanding of how to help not only myself but my partners seek the correct help they need. Yes this information does hurt, most of the time it feels like i have no control over my anger or hurtfulness. But i can have control, with help i can learn how to control it. I find this information helpful.

[@RossRosenberg]

Thank you for your cirage6to be vulnerable and honest.

[@goodie9613]

Funny how people in the comment section have so much to say about this man without any credentials. Great video!

[@jasonrodgers993]

Neelee i loved Emma Davids "one rule doesn't apply to all" Emma david sorry i cant stop laughing.....ofcourse it fucking doesnt...................because bdps love a double standard.

[@Sanela1]

All 4 of the Cluster B's are known for >> Gaslighting (among other psychologically highly abusive traits!). They do that not only to their victims, but anyone as you see. And would not hesitate to do it to a psychiatrist neither, and even if face to face with one.... Narcissistic traits!.........

[@showglowshowglow488]

NeeLee I totally agree! They are the BPD’s commenting with such disdain and hatred for being exposed ... lol

[@drina4706]

@@Sanela1 ummm hell no! Bpds don't gaslight. Not the ones low on the spectrum!!! Why are u generalizing? It's a spectrum disorder!!! My cousin has it and he has never gaslighted anyone. Also hates attention! Also is in therapy and doing great! Has long, stable relationships and is an emapth!!!

[@Sanela1]

If those BPDs low on the spectrum do not gaslight, than you should not generalize that BPDs don't gaslight either hun...

[@mrsgingerjordan]

Thank you for your videos!! Divorcing and grieving the 15 year "loss". These are very helpful and accurate.

[@mslisakayedwards]

Ross is 100% correct in my experience with two people who have BPD. As I, The CODEPENDENT is getting well from my CPTSD from my daughter in law & my mother with this disorder, I no longer am sucked in! Thanks for your help, Ross!

[@roryteal5940]

Thank you, Ross Rosenberg! You are an extremely pleasant speaker. Your series on this disorder is my favorite on this topic so far. The fact is, not all of us can afford therapy. D.B.T is expensive. So is P.T.S.D treatment. You are providing a much needed public service with your KZbin series. Education and enlightenment for all.

[@eottoe2001]

So you are Ross Rosenberg. I have heard of you indirectly as a survivor. Thank you for the info.

[@RossRosenberg]

Those who criticize my video(s) on BPD are naive and misinformed about who I am. I am not the "President" of a KZbin nation for which I have to be politically correct with what I say and do. Rather, I am a psychotherapist who provides mental health services to people who are seeking to become healthier and/or work through their trauma and addictions. My perspective is that of the clients who are seeking my services, not the perpetrators of harm from whom they are trying to escape. My work is about empowerment, healing and accountability. I provide psychotherapeutic services that help my clients learn about why they choose harmful relationships and stay in them (The Human Magnet Syndrome). My focus is NOT to malign people with BPD, but to empower and lead my clients away from their compulsion to stay in relationships with individuals with untreated BPD who are harmful and abusive. I work with people with codependency or Self-Love Deficit Disorder. I don't work with people with BPD or, for that matter, people who just want to bash them while not taking personal responsibility for their part of the dysfunctional relationship. I do have a a point of view and a prejudice. I AM FOR people who want to get better, not hurt others, and take personal responsibility for their actions. I AM AGAINST abusive perpetrators who narcissistically justify their harmful behavior or blame it on the victims. There, you have it! I have a perspective, and that is that of my clients. My job does not include representing the people that hurt them. I am tasked with facilitating the healing of psychological wounds in order that my clients can become healthier and stronger in their pursuit of self-love and relationships in which mutually loving, respecting and caring actions are the norm. I don't focus on what is wrong with other people, i.e. those with BPD, but what is wrong with my client who consistently fall in love with people that profess to love them, but always hurt them. My work with codependency or Self-Love Deficit Disorder requires my clients to take responsibility for their actions and relationship choices. There are other people online, especially on KZbin, who make the codependent the victim and suggest retaliation as the solution. This is not who I am or what I do. This will be the last comment I make on my BPD videos.

[@whatwhyandwhos68]

+Ross Rosenberg I still love an ex with BPD but can have no contact, your video was a masterpiece of truth, bless and love.

[@andrelopeznoble7907]

I have BPD. It hurt to listen to the truth and Ross doesn't pull any punches. I think BPD is caused by an overactive limbic system, by the way. It is not that deep. It's a brain abnormality that fucks with your peace of mind, especially in social situations.

[@andrelopeznoble7907]

+Andre Noble We need people like Ross to show us just how ridiculous our reactions are - case in point abandonment. He's absolutely right, and we need to train our minds one small step at a time to react normally to abandonment.

[@robertj8451]

I see so your coming from a different perspective for this video. your speaking specifically to people who are in abusive relationships with untreated BPD suffers and are seeking help or information . Do I have that right ?

[@DanielleFerreira-kt7ix]

Can borderlines be healed? Thanks.

[@TheShinemyrtle]

As a person with bpd i call bs on the stereotyping. Especially the abandonment issues, and manipulation. Yes, we have abandonment issues but not all of us will manipulate you to make you stay. Some of us accept that abandonment happens, and even more so to us. Instead of forcing another person to stay through manipulation some of us switches off our love as a means of protection.

[@tonjamarshall4842]

Thank you, I've just ended a relationship with a narcissist who took a vantage of me being bpd, with the hopes I feared being abandon, I don't. I would rather be alone than annoyed

[@opheliamcfedries3103]

Hello I dislike the tale he tells. I have BPD and I have self control. What makes us want to die is shit like this. Totally lacks compassion. Life is crazy making in the American culture. I look around and these well wishers make me want to check out cause they stand in judgement of others and play the game. I don't play games I'm real. I wish people would stop and look at those around them, frankly damn near everyone is perplexed unloved and suffering.

[@NancyGarcia-rr9nm]

Very true. So use to being abandoned that I've perfect that "off" switch and keep it moving. 😔

[@libertine3716]

Only a person with bpd wouldn’t admit to the stereotypes

[@mykiea5156]

Mona Helen Fallingen I agree ,

[@beardedveteran7234]

I've just watched the 4 videos on BPD and have also read the negative comments. So I just wanted to say the videos are spot on, my wife has BPD and it has led to her attacking me on several occasions even to the extent that on one occasion I had no choice but to restrain her on the ground and call the police to help me to keep us both safe and as Mr Rosenberg said a few hours later I was asked to pick her up from the police station and she was back to being my normal loving wife again. So I'd just like to say thank you Mr Rosenberg for these videos and they have helped me a great deal in understanding my wife (who is now in a psychiatric hospital after a suicide attempt and has been sectioned last week after 4 near fatal attempts whilst in the hospital)

[@jelenanesban1835]

Thank you for this video.You are so on point.

[@danishaferreira7796]

You are the absolute BEST!!! When I look up BPD on You tube Dr. Daniel Fox has this condition on lock. I get so bored listening to him. I can’t keep My attention on his videos, my mind always wonders off. I began listening to you around 3 yrs ago and I so love your videos. I haven’t listened to you in about a yr now. And listening to these videos today makes me feel so understood. You are awesome !!🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟

[@RossRosenberg]

Glad to help Danisha!

[@danishaferreira7796]

@@RossRosenberg Please get more into this condition . It’s not fare for The Narci condition to get all the attention. That one seems to be easy to recognize and deal with. My condition on the other hand is difficult even for me to deal with. I can’t begin To tell you how hard it is for me to get help. But I will keep trying. Anyhow, please do more research on my horrible condition. And make more videos. I suffered a horrible broken heart that began 5-6 yrs ago. I couldn’t understand why I suffered so much. I suffered horribly. One morning I listened to video of yours on codependency and you explained exactly what I went through In the first 6 months. I believe my ex is a narcissist. I have two daughters from him. I was w him 15 yrs. Anyway I suffer codependency and I am a Borderline.

[@dianitapilla]

Trying to suicide has to do in some cases with an urge to escape the feelings (and the situation) more than punish others around you or manipulate them. I'm a borderline, but there is zero evilness in me, i'd never do such a disgusting thing as punish my loving partner for whatever reason, and yet I struggle with suicide. because life is pointless, and my feelings are too intense.

[@corneliastreet2491]

This! I contemplate, make plans, and really take steps towards suicide frequently, but I always stop myself because I have a million reasons to die, but my one and only reason to live is the thought of “I can’t do this to my mother.”

[@dianaa3336]

corneliastreet ♥️♥️♥️♥️

[@shaynewaterson7293]

All i can say is WOW!!!! not being biased but reading through most comments i can honestly say ive been through both sides of of each arguments! not to sound harsh or to offend ppl im just talking about personal experiences me i was once insecure then too confident i learnt how to manipulate ppl without even realising but still felt empty. ive been through abusive relationships knowing it wouldnt last but still not ending it myself only causing more pain in the long run why??? honestly its probably because i felt i was worthless. ross i believe you are almost accurate on most of what you have shown i have had a great upbringing but having a big family with siblings is where i think it stems from and yes self denial IS a big part of it i think you are doing a great job by educating ppl about bpd. me myself have accepted this trait in me and i have learnt to deal with both the emotional and mental side i dont see it as an illness anymore and have never used it as an excuse i embrace it as part of being me and yes im not perfect i do get enraged and cant control it like you said and try to justify my actions which i dont have control of and as bad as it may sound at the time it feels right but like as you say afterwards im full of remorse. it will alays be apart of me however i have found my own way of coping.i honestly think its good what your doing and mental and emotional illnesses should be more talked about to educate those who do and do not have them so that ppl can havve a deeper understanding of it thanks for the enlightenment!!!xxx krissy

[@paulcorrea8747]

This was great. Thanks, Ross.

[@liakadri7158]

Thank you for informing us about borderline. I have suffered from it my entire life . I will buy your book now after watching you

[@RossRosenberg]

You're most welcome Lia.

[@pastelpink1234]

I relate deeply to the abandonment issues that people with BPD have to go through. I often feel like people want to leave me, i often feel unloved and hated. It's very sad for me to hear that you advise people to leave "borderlines" when those people with BPD already feel that loneliness to the extreme. I'm so sorry for everyone who's been abused and I hope that *everyone* will overcome their struggles.

[@Eclectifying]

Yeah, sure, someone kills themself because they want to manipulate, control and punish someone, not because they feel hopeless, worthless, and guilty themselves. I think it's unfair to attribute diabolical and selfish motives to someone, and to assume you know what is going through their minds.

[@TheKathmarth]

I try very hard to not label myself as "the borderline". Instead of exploding on people, I imploded on myself. This was my way of protecting myself and through months of CBT and amazing treatment at my clinic. I think labelling people with their conditions perpetuates the stigma. We don't walk around calling people "the cancer" or "the asthmatic" so why are we labelling people with a mental condition?

[@dougr6269]

From BPD you learn things about yourself few have the motivation to learn.

[@theclanplus1]

While I'm not a huge fan of labels myself, putting names to issues can be helpful to pointing out certain issues. Also it can be validating for us with the condition. I'm saying this because in the 1700s you were "crazy", or "possessed" , or "a witch". I would much rather have a "mental disorder" label that helps others with giving me good treatment, than called "a witch" and hanged because nobody's trying to understand things.

[@merto5582]

painfully accurate, love your videos, thumbs up from a borderline after rage.

[@equalskat]

I know I haven't put a lot of research or anything into BPD, but I know, as a person who is suffering from the mental disorder, that this is all very by-the-book, biased, and, frankly, a bit offensive. Yes, I am 100% aware of how I act out at people whom I love, and I am aware that I am more unstable than I should be, but I am not a narcissist, and I do try to seek help so I can be better to the people who have always been there for me. You, or at least what you're saying in this video, completely invalidates all the relationships in my life. You're making it sound like people with BPD are just bad people; bad, attention-seeking, abusive, people, and that's just not right. I don't know if this is true for everyone with BPD, but I know that I have tried, and currently am trying, so incredibly hard just so I can be good for the people who love me. It's unfair for the people in my life that I am so hard to deal with, and I know that. I am aware. Do not use your textbook knowledge to try and label an entire community of people as "manipulative," when everyone is completely different, as are their experiences.

[@graleh]

+DerLaufDerDinge Do you have borderline youself? I do, and I for the first time, I hear someone talking about borderline people- for real. I am tired of not being taken serious. Doctors just telling me "oh poor you, that will go over" and "oh everybody feels angry every now and then hehe" and such. Noone wants to talk to me about my problems! Now I have answers to many of my questions. Finally someone who place the cards on the table, not trying to make it look good.

[@drina4706]

Exactly! BPD is a spectrum disorder. Not everyone is the same!

[@TwinMommyJen]

Thank you for this video. This describes the 21-year long relationship I've had with my husband to a T. (He is the borderline, I am the co-dependent.) He's in the rage part of the cycle right now, or at least he was earlier today... we are probably getting divorced. We have 9 year old twin girls together. I saw the worst part of his disorder 12 years ago when we separated the first time and almost got divorced (we eventually got back together when he cycled back to the idealization of me (right now, he's very much in the devaluation phase of how he thinks about me) and drew me back in) and... I love him. But, I think I need to make this separation stick, even if he does cycle back to the idealization of me... after all this time, it's just too painful to keep going on like this. I'm never gonna get better myself if I don't break free from him...

[@isaacsanders9203]

Sorry to hear. Hope you’re doing better!

[@marcelopez1768]

I have a borderline daughter transitioning to boy. It’s so challenging, she hates me and says the most hurtful things to me & after that it’s over she writes such lovely songs for me!!! It’s really hard as a parent to cope with a kid like that. I’m very well aware of her mental illness but I feel there’s little resources for parents.

[@chrisp7336]

Thank you so much for this insight, I had no idea what I was about to get myself into, there is other information out there on the web that is very misleading and could have got me into so much trouble, not very informative and does not explain the "truth" about everything, What I get now is I have actually been falling for someone who has not been a true reflection of who they really are, i've been falling for the BPD in the person not discovering attributes unique to to herself, it all makes sense now, just really gutted but glad to have come across this video sooner than later, I can't thank you enough, this was very informative and very honest, I recognise MANY familiar things taking place in the relationship now that I did not really understand, she did not tell me anything about BPD either so I was caught off guard bigtime...thank you so much Ross!

[@kali2911]

Chris P you have fallen for this pish, and so will abandon a person with an irrational fear of abandonment. makes sense. and I bet you imply she is the crazy one.

[@Silver.Forest]

+Chris P I feel the same way. Ross did post a warning that this video was not for BPDs but only for people whose loved ones live with BPD issues. But of course you cant force ppl to comply. But the man did warn anyone with BPD not to watch it. Of course they will be offended. Thats part of the pathology of BPD.

[@unacceptablesk8er]

this is not accurate at all. you make borderlines seem like people who don't care about other people. i have had so many suicide attempts, and NONE of them were for attention or to hurt others. People with BPD, such as myself, are humans. Yes it is a horrible disorder but this is totally not accurate. I saw that you had a series on BPD, but after seeing this video I no longer want to watch them. I was searching youtube for videos about BPD to send to my family to help better understand me, but this would make them think I need to be institutionalized or that I am going to murder someone.

[@RainFall2112]

+Ali Marr As a rule they don't. They THINK they do, but ultimately they care about other people because it makes other people a source of narcissistic supply.

[@ashofedenofficial]

Wrong again, narcissistic supply is a buzz word for Narcissistic Personality disorder (NPD) and ONLY NPD...Not BPD which is totally different. Anyone who says Narcissistic Supply while talking about BPD IMMEDIATELY alerts all those who understand the disorder that the person speaking has no clue what they are talking about. Those with BPD do genuinely care about those around them. They are just afraid they'll be abandoned by those same people. That's the cornerstone of it. They still feel empathy, love, joy, pain, sadness, and the entire gambit of emotions albeit much more intensely. People like you mixing NPD and BPD up are what give people with BPD a bad name, and cause them to not seek treatment.

[@thundavolt]

Unfortunately you are not quite right. BPD often exists comorbidly with other personality disorders in an individual. It's usually NPD so it is supply. The thing with narcissism is that it exists in all of us. There's a healthy level which helps your self esteem then there are the levels that make a difficult person.

[@ashofedenofficial]

Thing is "often exists comorbidly" does not in any way make them the same thing. Thus unless you dealing with someone who has both...you can't make that claim.

[@anon9110]

I was diagnosed with an emotionally unstable personality. Before I didnt know I had anything wrong with me. I only started to question myself when I heard the term and everything you said fits me perfect. I fall in love easily and quickly, idoloize the person. Then when they dont live up to my fantasies, I am full of rage. Like I want to murder them, wish Cancer on them and harm to their kids. I have no sympathy. Then a few hours lator when the rage wears off, I feel guilt, shame and love.

[@juliemarr3544]

wow. this is incredible I just found out my husb if 9 years has this and its very scary. this video fits him to a tee. !!!;

[@hiltymelanie01]

That was mind blowing!You described my ex and I to a T! Absolutely unbelievable! I did know something was not right with him after about the 4 or 5 th episode of rage when I tried to confront him about something and whether or not i was being paranoid or was he really hiding something from me. I was calm sensitive empathetic. And he just blew up! And btw it turned out I was right he was hiding some serious addictions from me. Well trying and doing a pretty good job at convincing me I was wrong and way out of line for naskibg... But I got punished mentally physically verbally, for even daring to ask if what I thought was going on with him, was actually happening....wow. I need counseling as a codependent. I never knew that I fir that role. I did go to counseling off and on for about 15 years for depression and anxiety. Thanks you for this insight and validation! . Can't wait to listen to more of your videos!

[@hiltymelanie01]

I could write a book with the amount of stories and lies and tramatic events and the absolutely most beautiful highest of highs intense mind blowing deeply connected and extreme euphoria of sex we had. We spent at least 2 - 8 hours a day Making what we thought was love. But it was a very painful and heart wnenching . And frustrating time. We are still going back and forth. I can't seem to forget the good times. And especially the connection in sex I perceived to be so so real! Ong. It seems he was so good at being a reflection of me and what I wanted completely in a lover and partner, that even me, someone who is pretty well educated in psychology, personality disorder. Bi polar, Schizophrenic disorders, depression, narcissist personality etc. Even I fell for it. And heard my gut screaming at me to run run far far away, and I couldn't do it, because the intense passion and connection on our good days were sooo good that it kept taking over my intuition, my intelligence was stolen by him.

[@billyday6594]

I suffer from BPD, my daughter does as well. She is incarcerated for an alcohol related offense. Addiction is a side effect of the disorder. Unfortunately this country and the justice department in particular doesn't recognize mental illness when considering reform. We need to understand mental illness is a very detrimental disease. It's as crippling as any physical condition. Nobody wants to be mentally ill. We need to have compassion and understanding towards those who suffer.

[@DarlingNickki777]

I think this describes my huband to a T. It made me cry watching this...thank you for sharing!

[@jayneswaddling8720]

I felt like I needed as a bpd sufferer to disagree with certain aspects of this presentation. First and foremost I do not rage against other's I instead internalize my anger and then press my self destruct 'button' and engage in dangerous behaviour that I know is damaging, but I just don't care. I have also tried countless times to end my life, not because I wanted to punish or manipulate someone into staying with me but because I could not handle the pain and emotions I was feeling. I honestly believe this belief that we wish to control and manipulate is very damaging to how others perceive and 'understand' sufferers of bpd...

[@dougr6269]

It's good if you get DBT, or whatever treatment works, before you start externalizing that behavior. Problem can be if you let it go too long you can become paranoid and become psychopathic whereas if you get treatment you can become a whole person who doesn't hate their true self. Many think of narcissism as extreme self love but narcissus fell in love with a reflection of himself. Narcissism is hatred of your true self. Most people have an image of themselves as good. Without being afflicted by BPD or some mental illness we never deal with it. To overcome BPD gives you a leg up -- you get a gift to compensate for all you suffered. If you can see the hypnotic line between your true self and the image you're way ahead of those who never struggled with it.

[@virginiaATX]

borderline rage is like normal rage times ten because their constant internal fear is always generating stress chemicals which eventually explode...bordelines have been so lonely, scared and disconnected since they were born.

[@hollykost155]

They are what they are. BPD or Cluster B are all the same. I find it spot on that BPD find this non-fitting. You are all of this 100%. You will never br better or different.

[@cassy052583]

i actually have bpd and in ways this helps me alot in realizing some of the things i do and why i might feel the need to do them. i'm very careless, reckless, and selfish at times.. i can and will hurt ppl i love without even thinking about them or the consequences until after i have done them or have been caught, but even when i know what i did wasnt right i cant help but get angry and defensive i will always have an excuse or a reasoning to why i did something... it's been very hard because im 21 now and i have been in a relationship with someone who is codependent for 5yrs and just like you said we meet and immediately FELL IN LOVE. when its good ITS GOODD and when even the slightest thing goes wrong in my "perfect fantasy" relationship ITS BADDDD and will argue for hours on end until one of us is too tiered and cant handle it anymore or he is usually the one to have to apologize to me first in order for me to calm down and think clearly and then start to feel bad and apologize or blame it all on myself. its an endless cycle.

[@50hellkat2]

Borderline personality disorder in my opinion can be treated sucessfully by Marsha Linehan's dialectical behaviour therapy. It really works on mood regulation. This is the most treatable of mental health issues.

[@jcrnda]

You forget to mention that a pre-condition exists for DBT - the borderline must accept the facts that she/he is hurting people and needs professional help.

[@JenniferAhmed]

Wonderful....thank you for this

[@happyenglishbaby]

Omg, so true, such a precise explanation.

[@sillyredhead1401]

As stated in the description, "I AM AGAINST abusive individuals who narcissistically justify their harmful behavior or blame it on the victims. If that fits with people diagnosed with BPD, or for that matter, NPD or ASPD, then I offer no apologies. " Well said.

[@erinrae883]

I am extremely grateful for the information. My daughter is diagnosed with it. Due to the flawed mental health system, she still hasn't gotten help. I figured I should learn more about it to help her myself. Thank you*

[@TheBuronic]

I don't give a rats behind.. if you hurt someone and then be like: "I could not control myself"..whats next? you kill someone and say i did not mean to... Remember actions speak louder than words. ...word's mean nothing if they don't line up with actions.. I agree totally with Rosses Statement... I AM AGAINST abusive individuals who narcissistically justify their harmful behavior or blame it on the victims. If that fits with people diagnosed with BPD, or for that matter, NPD or ASPD, then I offer no apologies...

[@gilldowney8094]

Wow you just described me better than I could myself

[@hitchannel7777]

Sorry I forgot to say this is so accurate and so helpful

[@ImpairedFunctioning]

But in some instances a relationship can work with a borderline! very unstable ones are bad yes, but I myself am a borderline but I'm in the process of recovery and my relationship is working, please make sure you get that across too, we can be stable and love normally. and be normal!!!!!!

[@heathershade3246]

i watched this video before i found you actually and i really wanted to slap the shit out of this guy a functional normal relationship is possible with a borderline we are not all the same.

[@ImpairedFunctioning]

Very agreed :)

[@sdrw7389]

I am the codependent and she was the Boarder line, please whatch michelle cornets BPD diary that just stops all of a sudden and no one knows what happened after. Well I do and it wasn't pretty and it tore me apart and for a while I forgot the situation we were in because I was depressed. Well now Im very very worried and extreamly angry with tthe new people that are taking advantage of an amazing beautiful women. Please I need someone to talk to because I cant talk with anyone else in the city we live in because any word of my involvmeant in her "life" is likely to set her off. She hasn't spoke to me in 4 days which is the longest ever. Im worried that someone new has got hooks in her and Now her episodes are taking a darker more life threatening turn.

[@dougr6269]

SDR Worley I had childhood fears of abandonment. I overcame them while married. You will never have her if you think you need her. Plan your life without her. A relative I know divorced his wife cause he couldn't trust her. She respected him after that and they are planning to get remarried. You have a lot of issues with fear. Overcome fear by facing it and not backing down and you'll have the clarity to know what to do. Love can't be perfected with fear and codependency is not love. Pain can be a great awakener if we don't ignore it or can't wake up any other way.

[@abitnf7s]

Go for a well functioning past scapegoat. We are used to worse so as Jane's Addiction sings: Nothing's Shocking. And we know it isn't really personal. We know that you are the messed up one !( lol. That sounded ugly.), and we love the other parts within you. We know that with the good comes the bad. That no one is perfect, either all evil etc... So you will get a hug from us, instead of a scared looking face trying to run away from you. Unless you have gotten us till the point of enough is enough. That is when we leave and force our self away emotionally. Seriously. I do believe it has a better chance.

[@MrShysterme]

Folks with BPD always flood the comment sections of videos related to BPD and point out which parts of the video they found offensive. It is rather emblematic of the disorder.

[@gdvhjncxcbnki]

What kind of advice is this? Everything you say advises people to leave their bpd partner. If there is a real relationship and connection there, shouldn't you be providing advice on a) how a bpd person can identify their symptoms and receive treatment and b) educate their partner on the illness, and how to find compassion, as well as skills to deal with the person when they're experiencing symptoms. Not all bpd sufferers should be given up on.

[@isaacsanders9203]

You’re a co dependant. Why should someone subject themselves to being a caregiver and being abused. If you love the person let them go and head to focus on treatment

[@esmereldavillalobo1227]

That's the info I am looking for... how do we deal with our loved ones with bpd?

[@esmereldavillalobo1227]

I disagree. I don't consider myself codependant. If they are willing to go to therapy and do as they are told to... can they lead a normal life?

[@corneliastreet2491]

@@esmereldavillalobo1227 yes! In fact most people with BPD who get proper treatment WILL get better. It’s not a lifetime prognosis. Don’t stay with someone who is abusive, but most people with BPD aren’t actually abusive to their partners. Sometimes they lash out and hurt people without meaning to, but they feel remorse and it’s not a control or power thing rather than feeling completely out of control and like a bad, insecure, broken person. People with BPD aren’t inherently bad. They are capable of love, and they can be good partners, friends, parents. A diagnosis of BPD doesn’t have to be the demise of the relationship. The important thing is whether they want to get better, because unlike what he says most people with BPD recognize that they are the problem and want to change, they just don’t know how because it has altered their fundamental way of thinking about everything. If your loved one has BPD and you are devoted to each other, neither of you is at risk of serious, permanent harm, and they are willing to really commit to making changes and trying to figure out solutions, then it is a VERY manageable disorder. It’s just a long road to getting to that point. A lot of people CAN and DO recover from BPD with the proper treatment and mindset.

[@corneliastreet2491]

I would even say that constantly giving up on people with BPD (and labeling them as unlovable, manipulative, comparing them to Jekyll and Hyde) only reinforces their unstable cycles of believing they are worthless and constant fear of abandonment. Nobody has a responsibility to “fix” anyone else, but BPD is not a hopeless disorder. There is ALWAYS hope.

[@yankyspiegelman1618]

I was married to a borderline woman for 24 years. I wanted to have a good relationship but she kept pushing me away. I stayed because my self image was so poor I never thought I could find anyone better. Plus we had kids and I told myself they need 2 parents. Eventually she became so insane (and homicidal) I had no choice but to leave. I am happily remarried, but my first wife is as insane as ever.

[@logochi5036]

I loved this video, thank you for your frankness! I am a “recovered” Borderline. I have, of course, completed the DBT and am totally aware of my disorder. I am going to show this to my fiancé so that he can hear some of these facts and perception from someone on the outside. I am not an abuser, I’ve grown out of the majority of those behaviors. I have my “cycle” down to about 20-40 minutes. I do my best to stay aware and my fiancé and I keep a consistently open dialogue about my state of mind, emotions, perceptions, etc.! I just wanted you to know that someone out here, that’s been diagnosed, isn’t afraid to face who they are and is strong enough to try and fix it. Thank you, Doctor! Have you ever considered putting out a DVD of some kind? Or is there a link to purchase an existing?

[@monitoroxfordhouse2125]

I GOT IT ROSS, YOU ARE HERE HELPING CODEPENDENTS WHO HAVE BEEN USED AND OR ABUSED BY THOSE WITH BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDERS AND HELPING US UNDERSTAND THE BPD'S BEHAVIORS....

[@gregcarr3761]

Thanks for these videos my wife has BPD and you have described my life to the T. !!!

[@professorbland]

this is great. thanks for this... a great explanation.

[@breannamanning5310]

I relate to everything you're saying & I get where you are coming from but I felt like shit after watching this & hopeless for anything good to come out of my life or relationships. It was pretty harsh & I wouldn't wanna show it to anyone who wasn't educated in BPD.

[@kenzick4637]

Ross, your video is direct. In my search to find a succinct understanding of my shocking experience of devoting myself to a BPD and being devalued, this video hits home the best, so far. I read and viewed some of Teresa Lynne's material and I also consider it valuable. The two of you might consider the suggestion that one read the frankness of Mr. Rosenberg (perhaps to understand where you've been and where you are), then consider Ms./Dr/ Lynne's pov (as to where you're going)? I found merit in both as I struggle to accept the deepest and most painful shock of my life. I will continue to pursue all the knowledge I can on this subject, as I feel I'm playing "catch-up." With this in mind, my strongest learning was a lack of respect from my p/w BPD. I suggest as colleagues you try to consider starting with some mutual respect for what is being communicated to those of us in need of the knowledge and insights you both offer.

[@leothelion2096]

Thank you. Victim blaming and abuse has to stop. Lives are ruined and support is hard to find "out there".

[@timohoward]

thanks for this...it really think a family member has this disorder...you explained it well

[@WTMI]

I have read the disclaimer below and will refrain from offering constructive criticism. I will, however, offer perspective in the hope of healing all. I was diagnosed over 20 years ago with BPD. Since that time, I have only had access to appropriate treatment - Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) - in the less than two. I decided to watch this video to gain perspective. And, I have a heartfelt appreciation for the one presented here. I have long been aware that my "acting out" can appear malicious and becomes incredibly damaging. However, the representation of our extreme behaviours as being intentionally hurtful is so very far from the truth. A lot of the extreme frustration, which presents as rage (think of a non-verbal autistic person trying to communicate the pain of their appendix about to burst) is knowing that expressing my pain is upsetting the receiver in any way. Marsha M. Linehan, Ph.D., ABPP, the creator or DBT, likens us to "third-degree emotional burn victims". We don't want to hurt or punish those we love. We want them to understand the intense pain we are suffering. We do not want to create shame and guilt. We feel guilt and shame for needing to share our suffering and project that. I can only, truly, speak to my own experience. The reason I become compelled to kill myself is because I only want to be happily with the people around me and I only ever seem to end up making them miserable. The other side - there are always, at least, two - is that the only way my suffering will end is to die. Yes, many of us are unaware we have a disorder. I was incredibly fortunate to become so very early in my life. It allowed me to do a lot of "damage control" that kept me "functional" for a long time. However, awareness alone does not solve the problem. Ten years without treatment, followed by ten more being treated as nothing but an addict finally landed me in a hospital. It is easy to just see us as difficult, malicious people. That we are "perpetrators" who seek to hurt others. In truth, the vast majority of us are vicitms who were never seen, heard or healed; still screaming inside. The only real healing for BPD sufferers and those who are affected by them requires compassion from both sides, to both sides.

[@cobiecat313]

Thank you Ross.. That is a lot to digest, Awesome information. Could you help with this though? Other information that I have read has suggested that a BPD is attracted to an NPD (which I have witnessed on a personal level). You seem to indicate that a BPD is attracted to the codependent type. Are they coda only in the relationship with their spouse and NPD otherwise? Dr. Masterson and others also seem to believe that the NPD and BPD seem to have a more natural gravitation....Thank you for expanding our awareness of this topic....

[@Deadseacargo]

I didn't quite agree with half of this being that I do suffer with BPD but good thing there are over 200 variations of this disorder and im totally willing to get an understanding of them all in every aspect.

[@relaxtofacts3894]

I really feel you talk negative about people who are already struggling with how they feel about them selfs. Bpd suffers hurt more than most people they don't go out to hurt people there actions are reactions. The way you talk about trying to break free from a borderline if in a relationship really bothered me and so I had to stop watching. Those in a relationship with a bpd sufferer will know they love deeply and often sorry for their outbursts and if their partner truly loved them and tried to understand then they are helping them feel secure. I believe no amount of qualifications can make someone understand what it's like for a person with bpd or their partner. To those reading this with bpd don't start believing every choice you make is due to your illness 💙

[@femmesusan1]

listen to this doctor as often as you can, then try and help yourself.

[@TheDude0fLife]

The severe victim identities of some of these BPD's who are commenting only validate what your saying that much more. Your videos have been very helpful, thanks.

[@thundavolt]

It's pretty mind blowing. I can't even get my head round how selective the listening is.

[@diamonds19888]

Hi Ross. I am glad u done a video on BPD. I think i ask u to do it this year. I dont know if u remember me? I suffered bad childhood problems. I am BPD. Things that you forgot to say. BPD hear voices also They also see black shadows I do have BPD and Bipolar. People with BPD see black shadows because they think it was the person that hurt them as a child. I am a guy. Yes you are right BPD fear being left alone so much that death is better then to be alone. They also sleep a lot not to feel the pain. I cant remember if you said BPD feels empty ALL THE TIME. I do admit you have great insight to BPD BUT we r not all bad. You should look up Marshar Linahan. Sorry for my spelling. She is super and it is thanks to her we have DBT.