i almost never find conversations about aromanticism that doesn't automatically group us in with asexuality i can not begin to express how important this is and how seen it makes me feel
@smolmoru Жыл бұрын
it's really sad how much aroalls or even sex favoring aces don't get recognized, so I'm really happy with you there that they did mention it. I'm an apothi aroace, overall anattractional, but I always make sure to include the various ways of being aro and/or ace or whatever other a-identity, because we're not a homogeneous mass that's all just "no romo, no sex, no libido, all yikes". it's a spectrum for a reason, right?
@KassWinnie Жыл бұрын
YES, OMG! we have so little representation everywhere! even in fanfiction, i've been searching for aroallo content and I just don't find much! feels kinda lonely
@Fen_Fox Жыл бұрын
@@KassWinnie agreed, I think I only know 2-3 works that are alloaro and I literally have over 15k bookmarks on ao3.
@ohhello1809 Жыл бұрын
@@Fen_Fox im aro ace and i read ao3 all the time and if I ever read romance for a ship I like I always get annoyed how there always has to be smut in it like I don't get why people want it so bad - and I agree we definitely need more alloaro fics
@damnitdale8120 Жыл бұрын
is yes im so happy theyre covering us!!
@literalsand Жыл бұрын
as strict aroace and biology nerd it absolutely infuriates me that theres basically zero studies on aromantic people LIKE I WANNA KNOW HOW MY CHEMICALS FUNCTION CMONNNNNNN
@ihorarkhypchuk41688 ай бұрын
Beyond sex: A review of recent literature on asexuality Author links open overlay panelJessica J. Hille
@ihorarkhypchuk41688 ай бұрын
By the way, biology is hard.
@iliemichal6 ай бұрын
@@ihorarkhypchuk4168 asexualism =/= aromantism
@wyatttomlinson34756 күн бұрын
ME TOO! GET ON IT BOLIOLOGISTS!
@FrozEnbyWolf150 Жыл бұрын
I'm aroace and agender. I'm the "A" in LGBTQIA+ three times over. But unfortunately I can't offer you roadside assistance.
@yourhorseyepona7309 Жыл бұрын
Awwww, why can't u b my roadside assistance 😂😊
@jaemelancholy1684 Жыл бұрын
What's the difference between Agender and Nonbinary?
@julius-ceasar Жыл бұрын
@@jaemelancholy1684 agender is a subcategory of non binary, because non binary just means any gender that’s not either 100% man or 100% woman
@christinewalker7242 Жыл бұрын
@@jaemelancholy1684 Some agender people (like myself) also class themselves as non-binary and some don't. For me, the difference is non-binary could be genderfluid or agender or a third gender or other such gender identities. Agender is identifying as not really experiencing gender or having a neutral feeling gender. For me personally, it means my wardrobe has both male, female and neutral options depending on whether I care how I look that day in terms of style not masc or femme or whether I want/need my clothes to be more practical or have pockets or able to get dirty etc. Keep in mind this is not all agender people, just me. It also means I do not relate to my natural feminine frame and organs and want a more androgynous frame. I have suppressed natural female cycle stuff with hormones, but that also helps my health because my body was having that in a more unhealthy way which did not help my gender dysphoria when I was younger. I am also researching options about the top half because I am on the... bigger side up there, let's put it. And it is exaggerated even more due to me having a slim build. But not all feminine framed agender people will go to these measures or feel this negative about their natural born frame. I also have always done more masc or gender neutral hobbies. I am also not the kitchen, cleaning and clothes caring type, more the gardening or tech solver in my house. I have also never wanted to be a nurturing mother or parent at all for that matter. And I don't understand the feelings or associating with a gender and those organs. Again, not all agender people are like me, some relate on some of these points, some are completely different. But I hope that helped a little bit.
@tyrannosaurustits7083 Жыл бұрын
@@christinewalker7242 agender feels stupid to me because of how much the word gender has strayed away from what it was meant to be. Yeah they might not feel like any gender, but then they still have to CARE about what gender they are if they want to have a relationship, especially if its reproduction Besides, what the hell is feeling if youre a certain gender anyway? Based on gender stereotypes?
@jennifermems1111 Жыл бұрын
Can we talk about how it sucks that so many traumatized people have trouble with sex/romance due to trauma triggers that most therapists think asexuality and aromanticism is always a result of trauma? You've got people who are traumatized, people who are naturally ace/aro, and people who are both. Insisting it's always a result of trauma just makes non-traumatized aces/aros feel broken, and sends the traumatized ones on red herrings during therapy.
@Marispider Жыл бұрын
Yeah, this is something that unfortunately doesn't get a lot of nuance in a lot of online spaces... It's such a pet peeve to me when people make sweeping generalizations about any behaviors or traits _definitely being a trauma response_ or _totally never related to trauma_ when people are complicated and can't be simplified like that, and you see it a lot when people talk about ace/aros (and sexuality/attraction in general). Some a-spec people are a-spec because of trauma. Some aren't. Some are a-spec and have trauma, and either know they're not connected, don't want to dump energy into introspection just to please some rando's curiosity/accusation that they're connected, or don't care if they're connected because it doesn't change the fact they are who they are now. All are valid, none are automatically less or more a-spec, and none of these automatically need to be fixed.
@mirandarensberger6919 Жыл бұрын
Plus, people who have trauma are more likely to seek therapy, so that's what therapists see.
@1x56 Жыл бұрын
So true. I experienced this recently. My therapist was very for me being in a relationship, because he wanted me to be loved. I entered one as someone who didn't want one (aro), ended up with trauma and still kept convincing me that I should consider a relationship in the future. Like no, everyone wants me in a relationship but me!
@mirandarensberger6919 Жыл бұрын
@@1x56 That's messed up. Your therapist should realize that there are plenty of other ways to experience love besides having romantic partner. You still have friends and family (and if your family of origin is a problem, you can still have chosen family). Your therapist shouldn't be feeding into the stereotype that aros don't experience love. I hope you can find a different therapist who will respect your aromanticism.
@1x56 Жыл бұрын
@mirandarensberger6919 Yeah luckily the therapy ended last month but to be honest he was quite weird....would say me attending therapy was proof of me being able to be in some sort of relationship, saying we were in one. One good thing about that experience is learning about aromanticism and that that's how I identify. Everything started to make sense. Now I can relax knowing I don't have to waste time dating or finding romantic love. It's very freeing
@randomguyfromtheinternet1611 Жыл бұрын
29:17 "so many letters, [...] we should get another name for [LGBTQIA+]" I really like the acronym "GSRM" for this: "Gender, Sex/Sexual and Romantic Minorities". It's basically a description of the set, not an explicit list of orientations and identities inside the set.
@genera1013 Жыл бұрын
Ngl I kinda like Alphabet Mafia...and Los Gibbities
@StronkKronk16 Жыл бұрын
I just call us the Rainbow Nerds
@kalynw2490 Жыл бұрын
Queer can be used as a good umbrella term
@zoer7706 Жыл бұрын
MOGAI was also used this way! (Marginalised Orientations, Gender Alignments and Intersex)
@crackers3978 Жыл бұрын
i saw an interview of a person saying they use QUILT BAG instead :D
@jae_ace Жыл бұрын
I'm a "strict" aro/ace. I tend to explain it as I've friendzoned the world😂
@aliceinwonderland8314 Жыл бұрын
Same
@readingcrafter2535 Жыл бұрын
Thats such a good decriptor, lol!
@Me_I-cartoons Жыл бұрын
Lol, same
@elskabee Жыл бұрын
i never thought about it that way, Imma borrow that!
@slightlysillyart Жыл бұрын
it's like everyone is my sibling and we're not in alabama
@valeriebarbera1061 Жыл бұрын
The thing about little girls planning their weddings cuz that’s what they’re expected to do hit me so hard. I’m aroace and I still remember a moment in like kindergarten when the teacher mentioned something about how all little girls fantasize about their weddings, and I specifically remember thinking “oh, I don’t do that. I better start doing that.” And then I started consciously fantasizing about getting married, like, a few times a month
@christinewalker7242 Жыл бұрын
I never did that nor was planning a wedding pushed on me. But school pushed a romantic agenda so hard in health classes from when I was like 8 and I hated it. But I thought in order to be valuable, I had to have those emotions. So I pretended to have a crush on someone. It was very robotic how I chose who it was, very robotic how I talked to others about it, very robotic how I had this whole plan for my mum and sister to find out about it. But it worked cause I was already the weird quirky kid so of course that's how this weird quirky kid would act with crushes. Funny thinking back on it now because now I know that is not how any of that works and I don't experience that and now I'm the weird quirky queer nerdy gender-non-conforming person. But unlike when I was a kid, as an adult, instead of only getting on well with people who share all those characteristics, now I get on well with all the weird people and all the quirky people and all the nerdy and all the gender-non-conforming people, and let me tell you, all of those people are cool and probably the most interesting members of society in my humble and not at all biased perspective.
@person.probably Жыл бұрын
I don't think I planned a wedding, but I distinctly remember a girl in Kindy going "ok so now we say how many kids we'll have when we grow up and pick their names." And every girl in the class getting involved and fighting over names.
@valentinam3224 Жыл бұрын
I remember doing that in my friend's house a lot, we'd rehearse walking to the altar on repeat. Truly I just really liked the "marriage tune" and the pretty dresses, it was the most platonic feeling ever for me lol
@Echo16006 Жыл бұрын
Wait, people did that?!
@kelpstorm Жыл бұрын
felt that, i always used to see marriage as an inevitability when i was little, and dreaded it so much. the day i realised i didnt have to get married if i didnt want to, god i was _ecstatic!!_
@neliara7 Жыл бұрын
As an aroace person, I very much relate to what Corry said about not knowing if you have a crush on someone or just have the urge to be friends, it’s actually what tripped me up while trying to discover my romantic orientation. I finally came to the conclusion that I just tend to get really excited when I meet someone who’s nice to me or who I connect with and jump to the conclusion that I’m feeling romantic attraction to them, when it’s actually just strong platonic attraction, I would never actually want to be in a romantic relationship with those people
@ailihele2489 Жыл бұрын
This exactly, it didn't cross my mind for a few years that a criteria for having a crush included wanting to actually be in a romantic/sexual relationship with them
@addythecow848 Жыл бұрын
This is exactly how I spent so much of my life, until I figured out I was alloaro.
@foxliasgriffinYT Жыл бұрын
yeah i dont get it either, idk how much romantic attraction i experience and i just dont understand it and its so frustrating
@nephistar Жыл бұрын
Mood. I even got married... >.< I kinda didn't get that it's a romantic thing - not knowing what romantic actually is.
@ailihele2489 Жыл бұрын
@@somni4867 personally my "crushes" were also for men, but aestethically I prefer women. I think, in hignsight I was hyping myself up to develop more intense feelings than I actually had, because I was under the impression that I was supposed to. One of these crushes I could basically feel deflating in real time as I realized I was aroace. I've later regognized that I get similar feelings for girls/women, but overall I don't get the "crushes" as intensely anymore. I think it's very different for each person - and even people under a same (artificially created, though still useful and descriptive) label will experience things vastly differently
@tyghe_bright Жыл бұрын
I'm very sexual, but aromantic. So, you know, proudly slutty. Seriously, though. I might be gray/demi romantic. But a few years ago, I realized that my attempts at romantic relationships had all been disastrous...and that a couple of my boyfriends had said I confused them, because I seemed to be taking on roles and not being myself. It clicked that I was trying to find what they wanted, because I didn't have those feelings myself. It's not that I don't experience intense closeness with some lovers, but it's either sexual or friendship. Now that I understand that about myself, I might be able to have a more authentic rsemi-romantic elationship in a specific case. But I'm not seeking it.
@raggebatman Жыл бұрын
Just like me fr
@ameliaaguirre2291 Жыл бұрын
20:57 queerplatonic, coming from someone who does experience that form of attraction, to me is “queer” in the sense that it’s outside general societal expectations and typical relationships, not in the sense that it’s “gay” in any way; I believe it’s queer in the old-timey sense, but that’s just my personal experience:)
@ameliaaguirre2291 Жыл бұрын
You don’t need to live together in order to experience queerplatonic relationships; it’s more of, being in a type of relationship with someone that isn’t strictly romantic or sexual, but also isn’t necessarily platonic
@ameliaaguirre2291 Жыл бұрын
It’s another form of attraction, just like physical attraction that Corey was describing earlier (the feeling of wanting to hug someone or otherwise be non-sexually physically intimate)
@ssr8555 Жыл бұрын
Exactly! Anyone can be in a queerplatonic relationship, regardless of if their gay or not. Even allo people can experience it.
@Varjoalitajunta Жыл бұрын
Demiromantic people don't experience primary romantic attraction but do experience secondary romantic attraction: - Primary Attraction: An attraction to people based on instantly available information (such as their appearance, voice, etc.) - Secondary Attraction: An attraction to people based on information that's not instantly available (such as personality, life experiences, talents, etc.) Secondary attraction is considered to develop over time. Viewing demi identities through this lens might be more useful than the emotional bond analogy.💚 There is also the separation between primary desire and secondary desire: - Primary Desire: The desire to engage in said activity for personal pleasure (such as physical, emotional, etc.) - Secondary Desire: The desire to engage in said activity for purposes other than personal pleasure (such as the happiness of the other person involved, etc.)💜
@RainBrain26 Жыл бұрын
I love reading such detailed explanations, but although it seems kinda obvious, I feel like there has to be more nuance. I, for example, can't distinguish what made me fall in love with my partner since it was her body type (as weird as it sounds) that made me determined to ask her out. But we are both demiroms and grew to love each other from a couple of just good friends who called themselves a couple. But in general, this explanation is very interesting, and it explains the general cornerstones. Thank you
@malachihart7370 Жыл бұрын
❤
@niicespiice Жыл бұрын
i always heard secondary attraction as emotional bond and not things like personality and skills though
@DashieDe Жыл бұрын
I think demiromantics are op. I think it's much better to fall in love not with some random person but with someone you know and have some relationship with
@shockofthenew Жыл бұрын
I really hope this comment isn't upsetting to anyone, my intention is not to be invalidating in any way, I'm just genuinely confused and want to understand. I'm very willing to hear from people who disagree with me and can help me understand this better. For reference I'm aromantic. The difference between primary vs. secondary desire, as you've laid it out, makes perfect sense to me. Allo relationships would definitely seem to be driven by primary desires of wanting to be intimate/romantically connected, so if someone is motivated to perform those activities by a secondary desire, that would certainly not seem like an allo experience. However I'm confused by the first part where you distinguish between primary vs. secondary _attraction_ because I can't find a way to distinguish what you've described from the experiences of of most allo people. Plenty of allo people are not strongly or primarily motivated by appearance, voice and other 'external' factors when it comes to romantic attraction. For most allo people I've spoken to, while external factors play a strong role in sexual attraction (though even that isn't universal), romantic attraction is primarily based on what you describe here as secondary factors. Most allo couples I've asked said while they might have felt sexual or aesthetic attraction based on the other person's looks, they only really developed romantic attraction once they got into conversation, and their romantic attraction is primarily or solely based on personality, values, talents, humour, outlook on life etc. This is very normal, surely? Of course there are some people who 'fall in love at first sight', but in my experience that's a small minority not the norm. I find it hard to understand how developing romantic attraction based on personality rather than appearance makes someone demi... by this definition it sounds like the majority of people would qualify as demiromantic. Based on mainstream media, and many couples I've known in my life, a classic example of how romantic relationships develop would be starting off with some sexual and/or platonic interest, starting to get to know each other, and then after a little while realising you want to be 'more than friends' or realising "oh, I _like_ like this person." It's rare to hear of people who just instantly had romantic feelings based on someone's looks. But by your description, wouldn't all those people be labelled demiromantic? Am I completely misunderstanding what you meant? On the other hand, the model of demiromantic people requiring strong emotional bonds and significant familiarity before attraction occurs does make sense to me, since that is something that would be a clear distinction from 'typical' allo attraction. Allo people don't need a strong emotional bond or longstanding relationship before they start to feel attracted to someone - for them the attraction usually develops early on in a relationship, and the emotional bond and familiarity builds after the onset of attraction. So if someone never experiences attraction until they've already formed a significant bond with someone, that would definitely seem outside of the 'norm' and therefore makes sense to label it as a different identity. I really feel like I'm missing something here, and I'm worried about invalidating people's experiences or seeming to gatekeep the community. If someone can explain these distinctions to me in a different way I'd be very grateful! To be clear I have no wish to tell any individual how they're allowed to identify, even if I don't personally understand their experiences... however it does feel misleading to me to spread the message that if you get attracted to people because of personality and not looks, that automatically means you're under the aro umbrella.
@tiffanymatthews6010 Жыл бұрын
First of all thank you so much for choosing to go ahead an continue with this episode even after noting that there's not much research on the Topic. However, I do want to point out somthing in regards to the question of WHY Queer Platonic Relationships (QPRs) are named the way they are. You seem to understand that most people in the Aro community do consider themselves to be be part of the LGBTQIA+ community and you also stated in this episode that the acronym is a mouthful, an easier way to say that is the main umbrella that pretty much anyone not Cis/Het falls under which is Queer. Weather the QPR seems queer to an observer is beside the point, those within the relationship identify as queer in some manner. Thanks for everything ya'll do to shed some light into lesser known communities!
@cryptidkyle5528 Жыл бұрын
If it is alright for me to add to this! I have also read that in situations in which someone has a QPR and the parties are actually cishet in some regards but aro or ace in other regards, they may call the relationship Quasi Platonic Relationship instead of Queer platonic.
@tiffanymatthews6010 Жыл бұрын
@@cryptidkyle5528 I have also heard of that! Thx for the addition, always good to see a different perspective.
@DemLep Жыл бұрын
Also just want to add there is alterous attraction and alterous relationships. I'm a little fuzzy how they all fit together, but my understanding is alterous is somewhere in the fuzzy area between platonic and romantic, and the relationships a similar if not the same as QPRs. The information I could find was fuzzy on that last bit. Some saying QPR is purely a queer thing and alterous can be anyone, others making more or less of a difference.
@tiffanymatthews6010 Жыл бұрын
@@DemLep This one I've not heard of, but I'm happy to learn a new term! Thx!
@trashianna Жыл бұрын
So my understanding of the term is a bit different. The term Queer really just means different if you look back historically. From my experience and that of others, a QPR is a platonic relationship that is different from what most consider one to be. The people involved don't have to be gay, it is entirely possible for it to be between cishets. To me a QPR is when the people involved view each other in strictly platonic manner but people viewing it might think you are dating or something. You might do things like hold hands, cuddle, make out or other things but you do them out of friendship, not out of romantic or sexual feelings. Friends with benefits could be considered a QPR in this case.
@3r4cha Жыл бұрын
i am aro this is a slay 🫶
@lxnce1557 Жыл бұрын
so am i and i love 3racha we're twinning rn
@3r4cha Жыл бұрын
@@lxnce1557 OMG YAYY !!
@squekkr3535 Жыл бұрын
@@lxnce1557 my bois spitting fax locked and loaded fr
@3r4cha Жыл бұрын
@meow omg it’s the slaykeeper 😦
@hermengarde Жыл бұрын
As a "strict" Aro/Ace, a huge point of confusion for other people (and for me as I was figuring myself out) is that I still desire a relationship closer than the average friendship. I have a partner, he's alloromantic but asexual, and we plan to build a life together and care deeply for each other but I've never in my life wanted (as an urge or pleasure-driven desire) to kiss someone or hold hands or echanging pet names. So I guess in my case I don't feel any "attraction", but I'm still capable of having and desiring a deep platonic kinship. So this whole thing can be pretty confusing! Also, the "tax reasons" joke so got me. Me and my partner often joke about how we'll marry and our future proposal is gonna be in front of friends and we just ask "would you like to evade taxes with me?"
@sarahereach Жыл бұрын
I also make tax jokes with my QPP. We don't currently have any plans to get married, but if we do we want a photo shoot where we hold up a sign that reads "friends with (Tax) Benefits"
@figthegiant406511 ай бұрын
Fun fact: anybody can be in a queer-platonic relationship. The word ‘queer’ being in it usually leads to people thinking it’s only for lgbt+ people, but even straight people can be in a QPR. The whole point of QPRs is to allow people more freedom in what they want from a relationship (that would otherwise he regarded as romantic) in terms of romance, intimacy, sex etc, rather than abiding to amatonormative expectations and standards, so in this case ‘queer’ just means unconventional. Obviously this appeals mostly to people who are aromantic and/or asexual, because of the unique lense through which we view attraction and relationships, but in reality anybody can reap the benefits of a QPR!
@cryptidkyle5528 Жыл бұрын
I am married, and polyamorous, but I am also on the aromantic spectrum, I dated a lot out of social pressure and “following the rules” but my wifesband who is also on the aromantic spectrum thankfully doesn’t make me feel bad about it, it’s pretty rad tbh!
@cryptidkyle5528 Жыл бұрын
I also greatly appreciate the discussion of the financial implications, I resonated with so much here. My wifesband and I got married for financial and practical purposes, we had plans to get married when we were just friends with no attraction, it just so happens that we eventually became attracted to each other in romantically and not just platonic and sexual
@arsena5209 Жыл бұрын
wifesband? 😮 I've never heard that term before! what does it mean exactly? I can see that it's the words wife and husband combined together but in what scenario would this be used?
@Veryvoidlove Жыл бұрын
@@arsena5209 their wifesband is probably some flavor of gender queer or trans. And tbh as a trans person im definitely going to use that one if i ever get married platonically or romantically
@cryptidkyle5528 Жыл бұрын
@@arsena5209 hello! I am just now seeing this response so sorry for the late reply, but as someone else stated(thanks btw!) my partner uses the label non-binary but that being said he doesn’t feel particularly drawn to claiming being cis or trans, and feels the most seen when referred to and acknowledged as any combination of feminine, masculine, or neutral. So I use he/she/they pronouns for them, and I interchangeably call them my husband, wife, spouse, or as you noticed, wifesband! It’s just my own personal little nickname, I’m sure someone else has used it before or something adjacent but I thought it was more fun than spouse which can sometimes sound formal to me, and I use it online and when talking to folks who are more aware of queer gender identifiers and can figure it out pretty quick
@threeofeight197 Жыл бұрын
I think my partner might be aro. But idk. Gonna find out in this episode. 😂😂😂
@shockofthenew Жыл бұрын
I'm aromantic but definitely not asexual... here's a weird experience that I wonder if anyone can relate to: I have platonic friendships and sexual relationships, and sometimes both at the same time. However when it comes to the concept of 'intimacy' and 'love' that is something that feels extremely platonic to me - it feels very much like a 'family' kind of love and intimacy, not romantic at all. That means the only kind of intimate contact I want with anyone is the kind of contact you'd have with a close family member - maybe hugs, maybe the occasional cuddle, maybe occasionally stroking their hair or giving them a shoulder rub - but all in a very 'family' kind of way. On the flipside, certain activities like kissing (which I'm not a huge fan of) fit firmly into the 'sexual' category for me, and I only want to engage with those things if they're sexually charged, as a form of foreplay. However because of this, if I'm having a sexual and platonic relationship with the same person, it can feel weird and potentially kind of gross to navigate between the sexual and platonic side of our relationship. If I have sex with someone I don't want it to be 'intimate' or 'romantic' just recreational, and once the sex is done if they want to cuddle, I'm gonna want to get dressed and make a clear delineation of "sexy times are over, now we can go back to our family-like platonic vibe if you want to cuddle." Because of my lack of romantic attraction, the idea of 'intimacy' mixed together with sexual contact feels kind of icky and incestuous to me and really grosses me out. But I never say this to anyone because I think it would sound insane. (For reference, I have no history of sexual abuse and have a great relationship with my family. I always fear telling people about my feelings will lead them to assume I have some traumatic history with incest, but I don't.)
@nephistar Жыл бұрын
I'm alloaro too and have had sexual relationships with friends. I often enjoyed cuddling with the friend after sex actually. But maybe that's because I'm very cuddly and kind of clingy. ^^ I also like to combine friendship, sensual attraction and sexual attraction to a person to be ready to actually engage in sexual interaction. So I guess the sensual attraction usually makes me wanna cuddle the person anyway. And I enjoy nudity in general, it's not necessarily a sexual thing to me, so... I absolutely get the being grossed out in general though! I think it can be called romance-averse or romance-repulsed. It's definitely not insane. It's a thing. I wouldn't associate it with the word incest though. But I think I get where the word choice is coming from. Maybe it's just about the fact that we would be equally repulsed by the thought of romancing a member of our family, let alone engaging in sexual interaction. Most people would be grossed out by those things and that comparison makes it feel more commonly relatable, maybe. What do you think? But anyway, I think your experience is already relatable on its own. E.g., I totally feel the part of kissing being firmly sexual. I wouldn't enjoy the sensual experience on its own in most cases. And I have to kind of repress the thought of it possibly being a romantic gesture to be able to enjoy it. That works sometimes but it definitely doesn't work anymore if it's used as a public display of affection for instance. The urge to show your love to the world, that seems to be a specifically romantic thing to me. (Like shouting out to the sea with outstretched arms: "I love Charlie Spring, in a romantic way, not just a friend way!") I think I'm repulsed by stuff like that and it can damage the other kinds of attraction I may feel to that person. You know what I mean? And I'm sure I don't have particularly serious commitment issues. And even if I did, that's just not the point. It's okay to be repulsed by stuff. That's just our orientation. I'm a gay guy and tried out sex with a woman once. Didn't seem to be my jam. I don't think I was particularly repulsed by it. but even if I was, that would just be me being me, I guess. No hate, no insanity, just part of my orientation. That's my take on being romance-repulsed. Btw, I enjoy romcoms and stuff in a weird way. XD
@asiamcgee53089 ай бұрын
Totally someone who can have sex with someone but doesn’t want to engage in kissing because it’s too intimate, too “romantic”. But of course I’ve been in relationships where I want to do both because I’m attracted to them in that emotional way. I would consider myself grey aromantic but also can have sex without feeling in a way some assume straight men can view sex.
@olanintola Жыл бұрын
what a great way to start a day: podcast about me I'm ready for an hour of allo confusion Personally, I identify as aroace and I like to joke about how when universe was creating me, it forget to check some boxes: no romantic attraction, no sexual attraction and no gender
@olanintola Жыл бұрын
okay, I said that I'm ready for an allo confusion but their experience with romantic attraction started to confuse me: people feel that??? everyday I learn something knew, wow
@sadwasdead5065 Жыл бұрын
i like to joke that my aroness bled over to my gender and sexuality, because me realising i'm aro also helped me realise i'm agender and ace
@chaosbean6320 Жыл бұрын
Call that either a scream or a battery cell AAA
@samjensen392 Жыл бұрын
As a nonbinary aromantic bisexual, I like to describe myself as “Sexual attraction: yes, Romantic attraction: no, and Gender: maybe?” So not exactly the same as checking boxes, but I see you
@queen_river Жыл бұрын
My friend is aroace and agender and when she came out our other friend just said “So you’re aaasian?” (she is asian btw)
@EasterWitch Жыл бұрын
I consider myself demiromantic. I love the idea of romance. I love watching romantic movies and shows, but as soon as someone flirts with me and shows romantic interest in me it makes me uncomfortable. I wish I could be romantically in love with someone some day, but so far it has only happened once in my life.
@samplayzyt2729 Жыл бұрын
@@casm1532as far as I can tell, a more accurate description would be cupioromanticism. It’s like aegoromanticism, however cupioromantics want to be in a romantic relationship even though they don’t feel romantic attraction. Aegoromantics simply enjoy the idea of romance, but don’t desire any form of a romantic relationship for themselves.
@SammyLammy1D6 ай бұрын
I am somewhere on the spectrum as well. But for me, it's more like I really need to know someone to develop feelings. Sexual attraction is different. I feel that a lot and I have no problem with hook up or ons
@eev14 Жыл бұрын
I'm bisexual and probably aromantic, my ex would refer to me as an "ice queen" often as a joke, and although I find it funny and in a way demonstrates my lack of romantic expression it does hurt a little bit. I love my friends very much and can love a partner but I have just never had much interest in romantic gestures, I also struggle to understand what 'being in love' feels like, I have experienced some infatuation but that was almost always a direct result of sexual encounters with that person. So I find it hard to pin down what being romantic is, what I do know is that I feel very comfortable not being in a relationship but wouldn't mind having a steady relationship.. Just ideally for me that would end up in living together but having our own separate spaces, being each other's primary partner (mainly for general stability in life) with the option of casually seeing other people for sexual relationships. You'd think as a bisexual woman that an arrangement like that isn't hard to find but unfortunately I've come to find out that very little people are interested in having a more practical and open relationship, I also have no idea where to meet people like me.
@queen_river Жыл бұрын
Hey! I’m aromantic and bisexual and I completely relate to what you’re saying. I love being single but I also don’t mind being in relationships, especially since I’m not ace and I do experience other types of attraction. I used to think I experienced romantic attraction because I had friends who were very affectionate. Then I realized I didn’t actually want romance, I just liked physically affection and all I needed/wanted was a friend who would cuddle me, hug me, and give me affection but without the constraints of labels or a relationship. You may want to look into QPR’s, it sounds kind of like what you’re describing. As for meeting other likeminded people, it’s definitely hard and I’ve found because of the stigma and societies obsession with romance and monogamy that many people are scared to talk about stuff like this but if you put yourself out there a bit (terrifying, I know) and just let people know the topic is open to you (whether that be open relationships, or aromanticism) you’ll find there is a lot more people like us than you think.
@fogease Жыл бұрын
Thank you for the insight and hope all works out. Also, it's nice to know that people who are very little happen to be open to these things
@Eni_Las Жыл бұрын
If I may recommend a good resource on relationships (poly, ace, co-parenting, etc.), the Multiamory podcast and community has been helpful to me. I primarily listened to them when I was first learning about polyamorous relationships and how they can take many different forms.
@ryanstardust_ Жыл бұрын
I'm arobi and have the same perspective on relationships. I've been broken up with because I can't reciprocate the love my partner has for me, and told by others that they can't be with me because I will never be able to fulfil the romantic needs they have. With more visibility I think we'll be able to find other people like us. Although I certainly wouldn't be opposed to living by myself for the rest of my life 😂
@Kagomai15 Жыл бұрын
I might suggest fetlife, see if there are any non-monogamous events near you
@DrSky-nr6kf Жыл бұрын
When I started questioning wether I was aromantic I immediately started doing research on the topic, as one does. I swear, as someone who is queer in multiple aspects, this is the one community that I have had the most trouble finding. It is so underrepresented, and even finding memes is basically impossible, unless their also asexual. Like, searching "aromantic" on Pinterest showed me the exact same results as if I had searched "romantic". This has made the journey so much harder, and hearing everything on the internet being about romantic love, having a very hard time finding a we too/Wattpad/basically any form of story telling that isn't focused on romance, and everyone in my life tell me to "find a partner", or telling "ah, you'll find the right one someday" or answering a sarcastic "yeah right" when I tell them I do not think I'm interested in romance has had a much more negative effect on me than people can imagine. I have literally forced myself into relationships on multiple occasions, which resulted in an extremely toxic (on BOTH sides) relationship. On top of that, since my understanding of love is biased I didn't understand what I should do if I was in love, and ended up getting manipulated twice in a row, which still has negative effects on my mental health to this day. My point is, this community is way to underrepresented. I originally started this comment to thank you for representing our community, you cannot imagine how much I smiled when I saw this title. I didn't plan to rant but I have no one to talk to about this and this felt like it would be a safe space for me to put my opinion. Again, thank you so much. I am so happy to finally see some representation that isn't mixed with asexuality or "just having trust issues" without having to do a ton of research and join specific groups. You made my day. (Also, sorry for any grammar mistakes, English isn't my first language lol)
@RainBrain26 Жыл бұрын
I read through your essay and I'd like to say: Green is a beautiful color. I found out that I'm demiromantic last year after a long talk with my partner about queer identities and how to handle differences as she is demiace and I'm allosexual. In the same talk I came to the conclusion I'm pansexual but that I'm demirom opened my eyes on why I was never attracted to anyone in my class in my school. Did group assignments but completely ignored the girls in class, no desire for romance. But I had a childhood friend which unknowingly broke my heart when she started getting partners. I never had any interest after that, any desire was purely physical and not really deep, also just thinking about dating gives me the same vibes as thinking about a due assignment. Not good 😅 As I read many comments under this video like yours, who had bad experiences forcing themselves into relationships definitely not fit for them...that makes me glad that I'm a lazy bum who learned that nobody was interested in him and thus didn't give a shit. If nobody is interested in making me a nervous wreck, then I've got more time on The Elder Scrolls IV Oblivion, babyyy. Jokes aside, I sincerely hope you found a comfortable place now. Take a rest, I answered your essay with my own. That's just what we do.
@mordcore9 ай бұрын
tumblr is where i go for aromantic community. it's great over there. there's also a few subreddit, uncluding for memes.
@sunshineeee9 ай бұрын
Very real on the lack of ability to find spaces. Honestly the only time I feel like I’ve ever seen a large public outpour of other aros/arospecs was in the Kpop community when TXTs song “antiromantic” came out and everyone was making aro memes lol
@eyevou7 ай бұрын
Being strictly Aro can be such a pain! My mother use to constantly badger me about getting into relationships. I always ended up shrugging her off - never felt that way and always wondered what "love" actually meant. I was apparently in a romantic relationship once but it always felt like a work contract. Didn't realize how they really felt until it was over. I've found a lot of kids saying they are "Aro" just because they can't get into active relationships. I have to bite my tongue really hard. I hope you've found a good place for yourself.
@EtherealAmoeba Жыл бұрын
Yuup tell everyone how much amatonormativity sucks! Thanks for doing a topic on us aros, helping spread awareness!😊
@kitenlovar699 Жыл бұрын
yup it gives me fomo tbh.
@Micahhroni Жыл бұрын
Aromantic here! Thanks for doing an episode about us! I always appreciate when ppl spread awareness on our often overlooked community. And I personally see queerplatonic to mean queering the platonic, queer meaning that it is outside of what amatonormativity deems as normal.
@ssr8555 Жыл бұрын
I’m aroace and currently dating someone who is alloromantic ace. My feelings for them is 100% not romantic, but they are still deeper and different from friendship or any other typical platonic relationship. It’s like a companionship, Platonic soulmates. Partners for life. I want to live my whole life with them, make them happy, be loyal to just them. They make me more happy than any friend could. But my feelings are still not romantic.
@beanbean4563 Жыл бұрын
I'm so curious, what is the difference in your experience? To me it sounds like you're just describing romantic feelings so what is it about them that makes them not romantic to you? (not trying to say it's invalid in any way! Just curious because this type of description often trips me up in aromantic discourse) I myself am probably a little bit on the aro spectrum so maybe that's why I'm confused! Haha.
@bittersweet3935 Жыл бұрын
Sounds like a queer platonic relationship. At least from ur side
@slyar Жыл бұрын
That has a name, queerplatonic
@maycarmel841610 ай бұрын
@@beanbean4563 I can't speak for op, but I have a similar experience, so, I guess the only way to describe it is like, you might love your siblings, but you don't love them romantically right? It's kind like that. It's as deep a connection as one might have with a romantic partner, just in the most platonic of ways.
@ampicea5561 Жыл бұрын
I’m aro, and every time I have to explain my sexuality I just straight up say “asexual” even tho I’m not, because is easier to explain and people give me bombastic side eye if I say I don’t feel romantic attraction, so it’s nice seeing that some actually get it and don’t judge me.
@magacofi Жыл бұрын
I'm AroAce. I quite liked this discussion, very thorough. I'll just add my two cents for some of the bits: + I'm all about physical affection in my family and platonic relationships. I absolutely adore hugs, and will greet all my friends with a big one, as long as I know they feel comfortable doing so. I frequently lean on my friends' shoulders or arms when I'm laughing my ass off, I love patting my little sister's head and giving her a forehead kiss to wish her a goodnight (even if she is mid-way through adolescence- that ain't stopping big sis love), and in general tend to give small, fleeting touches during talks or interactions, just because it's natural for me and I enjoy showing that I like their company and care about them through those means. So! If you're touchy-feely that won't be inherently tied to romantic atraction, but it's a good starting point to talk about how it feels to express (different types of) affection for someone who isn't aromantic, since I reckon it's a more specific type of enjoyment when done with your special someone(s). + Despite knowing what some people in the LGBTQ+ community think or argue, I still consider myself part of it. It's not a leap, it's quite the easy conclusion for me. I don't conform to the norm when it comes to sexual and romantic attraction, and that does come with some clashes with people who do and their expectations of how I should live my life in regards to those areas. If that doesn't resonate with the other letters in this community I can't think of what will. Discrimination is an argument I understand but can't bring myself to fully validate. Of course, to the public you could probably pass as cishet, but that doesn't mean you're fully unaffected. I'm not out to most of my family; most prominently my parents. My straight, married, with two daughters parents. What that means for me is having to listen to my mom talk about my future like some guy is out there waiting for me to marry him to make a family (yikes, just thinking about it makes something inside me deeply unsettled). Or tease me about some of my male friends having a crush on me, which, while a tease, still makes me incredibly uncomfortable because that happened to me once and almost made me lose that friendship. I'll eventually tell her, funnily enough probably after I gaduate uni, get an stable income and she starts asking about my nonexistent love life, but that's that. It is the fact that you "fit" that makes it so alienating, ironically. Because you don't. You don't but the expectations and the societal pressure are still there like you do. There are a lot more aromantic experiences that affect other aros, but I just wanted to share some of those that have affected me in particular. Really enjoyed listening to the studies you were able to find. It's funny that you mention having to find someone to live with anyway for benefits, since that's actually a joke in the community: "oh I'm marrying for the taxes"
@Marispider Жыл бұрын
Thank you for covering this!! Aromanticism doesn't get too much coverage, which sucks not just because people who are aro get overlooked, but also because it's just a really interesting phenomenon scientifically and sociologically. Since you guys couldn't get a guest for this episode, I wanna join the aros in the comments and talk about my experiences for anyone curious ^^ For me personally, I've never had a crush, I've only dated once (it was in middle school, it was exciting because it made me feel grown and mature), and I still don't 100% understand romance and what makes it distinct. Growing up I sometimes mistook platonic feelings and wanting to be closer with someone as romantic, but I didn't really understand what makes dating someone different than being best friends and/or roommates and/or FWBs. It still took me until I was 18 to realize I wasn't bi like I'd thought, I'm aroace, and the roughly "equal" attraction I had to everyone regardless of gender was actually zilch - what I was actually feeling was either platonic, or gender envy. When I finally did realize, I broke down in tears because I was afraid of being lonely. I'd been told since I was little that this is an essential part of life. Everyone else gets to feel this... but not me. No prince in shining armor can fix this, because it's me that's the problem. I didn't just feel like I was missing out on something, I felt like _I_ was missing something inside of me. Since then I've taken time to figure out what I want for myself, and now I take a lot of pride in being aro because I've realized that no, romance _isn't_ essential, and why should I be sad about "missing out" on something I've never really wanted anyways? I have friends and my family, I'm happy with that. Plus, while romance can be great, there are so many awful and toxic ideas attached to it that you have to navigate through that I'm fine focusing on my friendships and myself instead.
@eyevou7 ай бұрын
> It still took me until I was 18 to realize I wasn't bi like I'd thought, I'm aroace, and the roughly "equal" attraction I had to everyone regardless of gender was actually zilch - what I was actually feeling was either platonic, or gender envy. I also thought I was just bisexual for the longest time. When I realized that my feelings of romance were never there to begin with it also hit my like a ton of bricks. "Love" has always been a confusing concept that I filled with novels and TV shows - an interesting concept. One thing I also found lacking was the desire to have children. It was just never there. Would it be cool to have a "little me"? Sure. Was I gonna go out of my way to do it? Na, probably not. People around me just never seemed to understand it.
@Dayjav Жыл бұрын
It’s honestly kind of disheartening realizing now that aromanticism is so brushed away and not discussed or studied or anything like that. As a person who is 100% AroAce, I have searched so hard for a discussion that isn’t just making the argument that ace or aro people can or can’t be in relationships. I feel like that’s an important topic, but it’s truly all that is seriously discussed. This probably is just to do with the shock and misconceptions of people when they see an aro/ace person in a relationship of some kind, but I’d like to see more people talking about experiences outside of just that nuance. I want to see people that can discuss the also real experience of aro/ace people that fully don’t interact with that part. That are even further from the societal expectations than people who fit even partially into those expectations, but that defy the norm somehow. I hope there’s an honest chance to see more people like me actually talk about their experiences, and to not have to speak to defend their identity, but speak to embrace their identity. Their story, their life, themselves. Identity like that can mean so much more than just the aspect of relationships that, for people like me, may be completely irrelevant. Thank you for attempting this topic. I really respect the effort and care that you put into researching and carefully considering and speaking about a subject like this. I hope in the future more people come to acknowledge this identity as valid so that we can move forward from discussing its legitimacy and nuance to discussing its innate experience and impact.
@aravis6350 Жыл бұрын
I'm aro and my partner and I are in a Queer Platonic Relationship. The way I view it is more as a relationship where the lines between romantic and platonic are blurred. From the outside our relationship looks romantic, however neither of us experience romantic attraction to each other, but it's not the same as being "just friends".
@ariannay766 Жыл бұрын
YEAH. I'm in a QPR too and I generally describe it either like that or like, "friendship with more officially stated commitment". Which is a little more specific to my partner and I's relationship but describes us pretty well.
@samuelbutler2566 Жыл бұрын
As someone who has struggled for years to figure out if I’m aromantic, and finally figured out that I am not, at least completely, this is my attempt to define “romantic attraction:” One of more of the following: Deep emotional connection/ knowledge of each other. Deep desire to know someone emotionally. Appreciation for someone’s emotional character/personality. Relating to someone’s experience or emotions or personality or history on a deep level. Good interpersonal chemistry. Sensual attraction. Cuddling/kissing that is not necessarily sexual. Butterflies feeling/ache in your chest/ (healthy) intense anxiety. Obsession. Desire for someone to always be there. Can’t stop thinking about someone. Desire to be with someone forever. “Soulmates.” Optional bonus points for: Sexual attraction. Aesthetic attraction. Emotional connection that triggers either of these. Relationship exclusivity (I don’t personally think this is a prerequisite for considering a relationship “romantic,” but it comes up a lot in the research.) The difference between this and a super close and intimate friend? Ehhh idk it’s like a matter of degree and the importance you attach to it? So, yeah, it’s a lil complicated, and often kinda silly and arbitrary. Here’s to tearing down society in a good way :).
@utuelias Жыл бұрын
Oooh thank you for this! As someone who's sometimes been wondering if I'm aromantic this was very interesting to read and reflect on. It's hard to me to grasp the ~feeling~ of romance. I think I tend to not feel that longing and deep desire which is often linked with romantic attraction, but emotional and sensual attraction are profoundly common for me. I just feel those things towards many many people, it's not really tied to pair-bonding. I tend to not get so attached to anyone that it'd feel hard to be without them (also meaning that I get over break-ups so fast I almost feel ashamed by it). So I guess I'm either very romantic or somewhat aromantic?? I have no idea. I'm just confused. Luckily there's relationship anarchism...
@tdelioncourt126810 ай бұрын
For me the thing is addiction, I never felt addicted to someone, I can get very enthusiastic but as soon as they tell me they were not having a good time all I could reply was "then leave? I'm not forcing you to be around? why do you want to be around me if you're not having a good time?" turns out it's not that simple for them ^^
@TheAquaticMandolin Жыл бұрын
Please find somebody that is aromantic that you can do another episode with. Your asexuality episode helped me immensely and it opened up my mind to possibilities that I had never considered. I'm a bisexual male living in America and the episode on asexuality really helped me understand who and what I am. I have been trying to find resources on what a romanticism might be. You guys are my go-to people on the LGBTQIA communities.
@NatManzano Жыл бұрын
Points for stating that aromanticism is a different thing from asexuality and they do not always go together. Minus points for not explaining being favorable, neutral and repulsed by romance, something that can happen to any person romantic or aromantic. There are aromantic people who are romance-favorable and people who experience romantic attraction and are romance-repulsed. So some romantic people, called cupio-romantic who really want to be in a romantic relationship even though they cannot experience romantic attraction. Or people who actually can fall in love but feel disgusted by the thought of it.
@neonisirrelevant Жыл бұрын
I'm aromantic and it took me a while to figure it out/accept it because romance is so pushed that I thought I had to want a romantic partner. Seeing people talking about it and recognizing it makes me so happy because I know that things would have been so much easier if I knew it was okay to not want romance or feel romantic attraction when I was younger. Thank you so much for this episode
@anonymousfandommix6850 Жыл бұрын
This is one of the best simple explanations of queer platonic relationships I’ve seen. I’m aro and pan, and these two put it best: I want hugs and sex and I want to co-parent. I want the things associated with people who date, without actually dating. And I now love tearing down those parts of society that say I can’t do that. This video is iconic.
@thiel_spencer Жыл бұрын
I'm somewhere on the aromatic spectrum, not fully aro nor fully allo, just... somewhere in there lmao. And I'm also somewhere on the asexual spectrum.
@merge9585 Жыл бұрын
1 hour of positive aromantic discussion ... Am I dreaming? This is great!
@carpevinum8645 Жыл бұрын
I have had a lot of issues in the past with people saying that they do separate sexual and romantic attraction and we are totally on the same page when we were in fact not on the same page. Especially as I lean towards being physically affectionate, even with platonic friends. And it doesn't seem to matter how much I very clearly state my feelings and intentions, people like to assign others to my actions at times. Doesn't help that I'm Bi. Biphobia and discrimination based on misconceptions is so real and present sometimes.
@queen_river Жыл бұрын
Omg I completely hear you! I’m aromantic and bisexual and my love language (platonically) is physical touch. I love physical affection and tend to be naturally flirty so people just assume things about me and my feelings all the time. When I was younger people kept telling everyone I had a crush on one of my guy friends when I didn’t and even my friends were like “you like him, just admit it!” I totally hear you, it’s so frustrating and can feel very isolating.
@hollo0o583 Жыл бұрын
I couldn’t have expressed it better, literally me.
@creditsong7369 Жыл бұрын
I'm seeing a lot of aroace people in the comments (and I love and appreciate you!) but I just wanted to say that I'm aroallo (aromantic, but still experiencing sexual attraction), and I appreciate this video so much! It's so hard to find content about aro people so this 1+ hour long video is amazing! I'm glad you pointed out how much aromantic gets confused with asexuality because that frustrates me so much as someone who is aromantic but experiences sexual attraction. Thank you for taking the time to talk about aromantics in a kind and loving way.
@SoularSlothesk Жыл бұрын
Beautiful episode, I'm on the aromantic spectrum and am ace as well. It really is such a jumbled mess for so many people. At this point, my brain says "I bet I could have a sexual relationship with a friend that isn't sexually attracted to me, but the idea of engaging sexually with someone that actually is sexually attracted to me.... somehow repulses me." That might also be because I'm nonbinary and I know that people perceive me in a manner that contradicts my identity. I'm curious if anyone else feels this way.
@zhanzhengxisupremacy10 ай бұрын
sameee
@maycarmel841610 ай бұрын
that last bit is so relatable! As a trans guy, for a long time people liking me repulsed me so much because I thought they only liked me for the femnine aspects of me. This was only amplified when my first real relationship in highschool was with a guy who faked being a trans girl and saw and treated me like a girl.
@starfishgurl1984 Жыл бұрын
As an asexual aromantic demigirl who experiences aesthetic attraction I really appreciated this video because even though I’m both aro and ace I absolutely hate when people confuse the two or think of them as one thing or lump them all together into a category of people who hate love and romance or whatever. I know plenty of people on both spectrums who don’t fit the traditional stereotype at all so it’s nice to see people actively trying to represent them so that people realize how much of a spectrum there actually is between the two. Because I didn’t know that asexuality and aromanticism even existed until my early 30’s but I experienced aesthetic attraction I got really confused for a long time wondering if I was lesbian or bi despite no real interest in sexual or romantic relationships and that was even further complicated by my lack of understanding about my gender identity which I also didn’t know existed until my early 30’s. Thanks for shedding light on an often overlooked subject and trying your best to separate it from its often lumped together counterpart!
@M-Blue-M Жыл бұрын
I think it's really interesting how you described the idea of some aromantic people making the conscious desicion to be in a seemingly allonormativ relationship, because that describes my experience quite well. For me it was a very conscious and well thought out desicion to be in a romantic relationship, especially since I am romance indifferent. I guess most people don't spend months of their life debating the pros and cons of "is kissing worth trying if I even like it"
@BaddeGrasse Жыл бұрын
Note on why lgbtqia2+ has too many letters: the point of it being too long is to show just how many separate communities are affected by cishet and allosexual standards, its meant to be a mouthful because it shouldnt be. Im always saddened by how much that point never lands, especially when fellow community members suggest finding a new name. Sometimes i make a point to not even use an acronym but just blatantly name all the many marginalised communities to bigots to make them hear the long ass list of entire communities they have no problem letting suffer. Yeah its too long, lets shorten the list
@selkrasouza6262 Жыл бұрын
I’ve really never thought of it this way. This made me instantly appreciate the full acronym more.
@babyhotline11 ай бұрын
i’m aromantic and asexual. i began to experiment with my own sexuality at ten years old and i felt bad because i realized i never actually felt anything towards anyone. i felt like i was faking it. i was aware of the existence of aromantic and asexual for a while and hovered around those labels before i took them up for myself. i may be seventeen, but i have never had an actual crush on someone before. i get told that “i’ll find someone someday,” and i hope i do. my mom thinks i’m a lesbian since i didn’t like how she did it with me in the house and WANTED ME TO JOIN IN. it feels like a slap to the face because i _want_ to feel something towards others! aromantic and asexual are strong reminders that you can’t. choose. your sexuality because a lot of people in the a-spec community wish they could.
@Kaltag2278 Жыл бұрын
I've always thought of myself as demi romantic and pansexual. My recipes say feminine energy is what I'm attracted to.
@nonexistingvoid Жыл бұрын
"We have a body and some things just feel good on it" is such a good quote! It pretty much describes how I feel about a lot of things. I'm aroace, but I love physical affection. That doesn't always stop at a peck on the lips, for me.
@solsystem1342 Жыл бұрын
Lol, yea. Had a lot of trouble explaining I'm aro/ace to my girlfriend when I figured it out. Specifically the aro part because they thought I wanted to change our dynamic. No, I just wanted her to have greater clarity into what I was feeling and wanted. So she wasn't as confused by my preferences 😂
@Pale_Imp Жыл бұрын
2:44 that's a really good way to describe it. As an aro person I tried to find out what "love" suppose to mean and from my analysis it's a bond that makes your beloved person look special for you, bp not like other people. Love makes you want to care for bp, protect bp, change for them, be around & pretty close to them.
@rachelfoote9515 Жыл бұрын
A few additions and thoughts that I've processed since identifying as aro: "Queerplatonic relationship" usually describes an explicitly committed relationship that isn't traditionally romantic. This is obviously and intentionally vague. The aro community is hyper aware that the lines between romantic, platonic, and sexual are blurry and feel different to everyone. Many QPRs might look romantic from the outside, and allo people can absolutely be in QPRs if they choose to, and ultimately the definitions are dependent on each relationship and the people in it. A QPR needs a lot of clear communication, even more than most relationships. Hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc., while thought of as romantic acts, can also be used platonically. Non-sexual physical contact usually qualifies as sensual, and sensual attraction is another potential axis on the graph. I personally feel considerable sensual attraction for my friends, and I feel INTENSE platonic attraction (not everyone does! Aplatonic people also exist). I love hugs, and if I could always be resting my head on someone's shoulder, I would. But I would not date these people. I would not want strangers to think we were together. I would happily cuddle on the couch, but wouldn't want to share a bed. Again, this is just where I've placed the lines for myself. We know humans are a social species, and we all need community on some level. Whether this community comes from a romantic relationship, friends, family, coworkers, spiritual institutions, even just chatting with the cashier when you get groceries once a week. The problem with amatonormativity is it's convinced us that there's a hierarchy between these things.
@Never_again_against_anyone Жыл бұрын
I do not think that there is a generally agreed on definition of QPR. But I the one I encountered is a very broad one: The queer does not necessarily come from the people engaged in it being queer, but from breaking the norm by giving more priority and deepness to a non-romantic, non-sexual relationship (hence platonic). The tendency of most allo-heteroromantic, heterosexuals to prioritize their romantic relationships very, very much, makes just lonely.
@Cris.as.in_Crisis Жыл бұрын
i've never even heard of this guts before this, but i gotta be honest, its delightful seeing two allo people strugling to explain the exact same things i always struggle to explain myself, im both aro and ace, but as other people have said in the coments, its great to see a conversation that does not automatically groups both things together and treats us with so much respect instead of as a lab expiriment, very refreshing
@icnbtpp Жыл бұрын
got so happy seeing this episode as someone who has recently started identifying as aro after questioning for quite a while. thanks for doing an episode on aromanticism!!
@chaosbean6320 Жыл бұрын
1:03:10 Also consider how much aro people tend to craft their behaviour and actions to avoid any possibility of others showing romantic interest in them. Id love to be super friendly and caring, but that comes at the risk of people mistaking that for romantic attraction, and after a while it gets exhausting to keep correcting people on their preconceptions. Sure, its on them for making assumptions, but it doesnt change the fact that its an anxiety and think aro folks might want to avoid, and therefore will act colder and more distant in order to avoid the entire situation
@chaosbean6320 Жыл бұрын
1:11:18 welcome to what it's like being aro 👐⬅️these are jazz hands. Even larger statistics studies that are for the larger LGBTQ+ community from organizations that are very progressive tend to skip over us 😐
@chaosbean6320 Жыл бұрын
1:12:26 I want further clarify amatonormativity, because the definition you gave is not fully exploring the full concept and implication. Amatonormativity is the normative belief that a monogamous romantic relationship is desired by everyone and good for everyone. There can be further tie ins to what this relationship should look like, such as straight, with children, married, never divorced, etc, that has further implications for everyone, including people who are alloromantic (the opposite of aromantic/experiencing a normative level of romantic attraction). There is so much pressure and so many expectations on everyone that a monogamous romantic relationship where you get married and live in the same house, and views platonic and other similar relationships as secondary (personally I think there should be more words to describe the relationships between people because I feel like there is more complexity, but that might just be me). It's like the friend zone. It's often described as sad, and secondary to a romantic and sexual relationship. It's also emblematic of the phrase "just friends" which again positions friendship as secondary. You can also view amatonormativity as a source of destruction for community building. A lot of gay rights movements died down as soon as the right to marry was passed, even though more necessary rights are still needed, and ignores trans rights entirely. Then on a smaller scale, the way the idea of a romantic relationship coming before all other relationships as a way of isolating people is also really important (best seen through the friendships of men, where men will rely on their romantic relationship for all of their emotional needs, in comparison to women who will spread have support from several different friends and relationships). By placing so much emphasis on romantic relationships, it's much harder to create a community that can help and support people because "all you need is a romantic partner"
@Zzyned Жыл бұрын
I remember realizing I'm aro in 2020 and trying to find info or stuff about it and I couldn't find anything, there were barely any videos talking about it, thanks for making this!
@christinewalker7242 Жыл бұрын
I remember when I figured out I was aroace in 2017 and felt a lot more confident. In health class, sure they had started to be LGBT+ accepting, but they still said we would ALL want to have adult intimate activities and we would ALL have romantic attraction and we would ALL need to participate in it to have kids. My parents never put this pressure on me, but school health class did. I felt so horrible and broken because I had never had a crush, I desperately wanted to avoid having adult intimate activities and I did not want to dedicate 18+ years on something I didn't want. So even though there wasn't a lot of resources, when I found the term in 2017 when I was 16, I no longer felt broken. I had probably known I didn't have those emotions since I was 8, I also didn't know because I did not have the language to vocalise it which was so disempowering. I am so glad that even my younger cousin, who is only 8 years younger than me, had that language already when she was 12. My almost born youngest cousin will have it from an even younger age. Whether or not they identify that way, they will be using more inclusive language that will stop people like me feeling broken for so long. And it will help them understand that romantic relationships aren't everything, which will broaden, diversify and enrich their own lives so much more.
@maycarmel8416 Жыл бұрын
Ok, I need other people's thoughts on this. I've been trying to spot myself on the aro/ace graph, and I think I might be somewhere in the middle? Like I definitely feel some form of romantic and sexual attraction , but it's not a constant. That being said, even if I was totally allosexual and alloromantic, I feel like a would still 100% rather have a queer platonic relationship than a typical one? Like nothing ever appealed to me about getting married and settling down, but buying a cabin in the woods with my bestie, and growing old together? heck yeah. Idk, maybe it's just me, but I've never really met someone who isn't aro or ace but would prefer a platonic partner over a romantic one? anyway, let me know your thoughts!
@BaddeGrasse Жыл бұрын
Sounds like you figured it out. Theres no need to quantify your feelings on a graph if you can describe them as eloquently and insightfully as you just did. It sounds like you have a developed unterstanding of yourself and theres far too many nuances to that to put a non-nebulous point on a graph or spectrum
@Chemist_Tea Жыл бұрын
I'm definitely asexual, but when it comes to romantic attraction, I feel very similar to you. Tbh, it's nice to see that someone else feels the way I do, that I feel romantic attraction but am not interested in the typical idea of living with and devoting the rest of my life to a singular specifically romantic partner. It helps me feel like I'm not crazy or wrong or immature in some way
@FrozEnbyWolf150 Жыл бұрын
You don't have to pin yourself down to a specific point on a graph. There's a lot of gray area. Yes, pun intended.
@queen_river Жыл бұрын
Aromanticism and asexuality are a spectrum, you can fall anywhere on it and still call yourself aro/ace. My biggest pieceof advice to anyone questioning whether or not they’re aro is: If the label makes you feel good, or feel seen, or feel connected to a community, then use it. It doesn’t matter if it fits perfectly, it doesn’t matter if you experience romantic attraction sometimes or to some degree, if the label resonates with you and it makes you feel good then you have every right to use it.
@ssr8555 Жыл бұрын
Anyone can want and be in a queerplatonic relationship, regardless of their sexual and romantic orientations. It’s not an aroace exclusive. BUT aroace is also a very wide spectrum of identities. Many aroace identities do consist of feeling some kind of attraction in very specific situations. You might be greyromantic/sexua (feeling little to no attraction) or demiromantic/sexual (only feeling attraction after an emotional bond has been formed, ex. Only falling in love with your friends). Aromantic and Asexual are umbrella terms.
@beanbean4563 Жыл бұрын
Thanks for talking about this! Especially the part where you discuss how this is all such a nuanced and multi-dimensional spectrum and many variations of it can appear "normal" without knowing specific language for it. For me, I'm not a very romantic person, but I form EXTREMELY close feelings for friends, to the point where I almost view my friendships as romantic in themselves! Along with that, I always end up dating my closest best friend, and I view my romantic relationship with them as just an extension of the foundation of friendship which is always the most important part to me. I'm not sure if any of that might put me somewhere on the aro spectrum, demiromantic definitely makes sense but even when I am romantically with someone, it always kinda feels like "we're just really good friends that kiss and love each other a lot" and I have little interest in most overtly romantic things (with some exceptions) Again, it's all a spectrum, and at the end ofthe day nobody's experience can ever be perfectly captured by the terms we create
@ariannay766 Жыл бұрын
the idea of hugs as a way of conveying affection with friends but often more about wanting touch because touch feels nice with romantic partners is interesting to me. Mainly cause i'm arospec and don't really know how to kiss someone for enjoyment rather than it just being a communication tool to tell someone I appreciate them. I definitely sometimes hug people because it feels nice, and people do hug their friends because it's enjoyable, but there's an element of that that still rings kinda true for me.
@jessilovely Жыл бұрын
I am aromantic, maybe aeggoromantic, like I don’t mind seeing other people happy etc and sometimes like the idea but feel sick watching cliche romantic movies and instantly get suspicious if people do something romantic for me.
@magentafox1657 Жыл бұрын
Thank you for discussing this topic! As an aroace I know most of this, but the thing about demiromantic and aromantic being like classifying fish or whatever is interesting to me. The key point is: both aro and demi describe ways of experiencing romantic attraction that are inherently different to the norm (alloromantic) so we group them together. Also, another thing to understand is that aromantic is an umbrella term. It includes a variety of labels and ways romantic attraction is experienced. Like how trans is also an umbrella term, and can include binary trans and nonbinary people (there's a lot that can go under nonbinary and it's pretty much an umbrella term of it's own) but I won't get into that for the moment. The point is that while demi and aro are different terms, demi can still fall under the category of aromantic (due to it being an umbrella term).
@RainBrain26 Жыл бұрын
I'm demiromantic and that revelation opened my eyes much more than the one that I'm pan. Pansexuality just is a new word for my sexual attraction I already knew, but demirom explained my feelings growing up. Had a childhood friend since I was 2 who lived across the country soon after that and when she started having boyfriends, it fcking broke me. Got a girlfriend when I was 15, also long-distance but visited her regularly since she lived near a good friend. I never really felt anything romantic so I broke it off when it started feeling bad and wrong. Never really felt the need for romance in my own life with people around me, it was more physical in nature. And with my current partner...we grew together as friends with a "couple" label on us to loving each other. I felt pressure to get a partner while beeing in school, yes, but not enough to make an effort. My true love, my companion from elementary school to now, is the Elder Scrolls Series. From Morrowind in 4th grade to all of em now. Praised be the Toddhead.
@sakatoya Жыл бұрын
thank you so much for spreading awareness😭 I’m aroace and I enjoyed listening to this episode a lot !! no one around me talks or even knows about aromanticism or asexuality. it sucks, so I’m grateful for every little representation 💗
@junheetequiero Жыл бұрын
OMG AN AROACE CHOICE I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE
@sakatoya Жыл бұрын
@@junheetequiero hi💜no, i'm sure there are many aroace fans out there ;)
@junheetequiero Жыл бұрын
@Sakatoya yeah it seems like it with a name like a.c.e aroaces probably would be interested lol but i was a choice be4 I found out I was aro
@sakatoya Жыл бұрын
@@junheetequiero me too!
@bullitlover Жыл бұрын
I'm autistic, and I discovered that I was demi-aroace when looking up asexual and aromantic to understand more about a friend, I then also fell down the gender rabbit hole to find out agender really clicked for me
@zhanzhengxisupremacy10 ай бұрын
same same same
@fancyfroggie Жыл бұрын
i am aromantic!! strictly speaking i would describe myself as loveless aro and apothiromantic but so many people don't even know what aromanticism is that i can't be bothered to talk about my microlabels unless i'm talking to other arospecs. i'm also not asexual but i'm not allosexual either, i just kinda exist in a space seperate from those two and i couldn't care less which one i am. i'm really glad you did this episode because it's a topic that people even within the lgbtiqia+ community don't understand and many people outside of it haven't even heard of it. there really needs to be a lot more education on it
@grenade8572 Жыл бұрын
Hi, I just discovered I'm aroace (cupio-romantic though). What does "loveless aro" means ?
@fancyfroggie Жыл бұрын
@@grenade8572 it basically means that I don't feel connected to any kind of love including non romantic
@BaddeGrasse Жыл бұрын
Im not personally aro, im so glad for this episode! A topic that definitely deserves more air time than it gets! Edit: LUKE! FUNNY AND GOOD FOR THE SHOW!
@robinducks2409 Жыл бұрын
To answer your question at the start, I am aromantic, (I'm also asexual so I'm aroace) and I'm in a qpr (queer platonic relationship), I love that you mentioned qprs because yeah I love my partner (they're also aroace) and definitely want to spend my life with them even tho we don't kiss or have sex
@christinewalker7242 Жыл бұрын
That's so cool! I am aroace and want a qpr, but there aren't apps or events for that where I am unlike with dating, so I figure if it happens that will be amazing, but not sure if it will. Hope it does though. Just want someone to chill, play video games with, own a dog with and I want to be able to care for someone else that feels special to me when they need that. I think that would feel and be amazing.
@nephistar Жыл бұрын
That sounds great! I'm alloaro and a qpr sounds like something I'd be interested in. But I'm also still confused and insecure about that stuff and have so many questions. About exclusivity, for instance. I'm wondering if you guys would consider multiple qprs. And as aroace, if you would consider a qpr with an alloaro person, theoretically. And how you would feel about them having sexual and more kinds of relationships with other people.
@matthewkylekrotovdoudet Жыл бұрын
I'm allosexual (bi in a gay way) aromantic. Before my discovery of myself I was a victim of amatonormativity: I forced myself to "have crushes" in my primary and middle school and that had negatively affect my social life, because some of my "crushes" were toxic and I also was causing troubles. In my college I was more calm and serious in it, but still I was too desperate to not feel lonely (that problem could've been easy fixed by having close friends). At my 3rd year I found myself in an abusive relationships where I was struggling in "being romantic" , and in like 7 months of that relationship I discovered the term, and the first ever person ever referred to me as aromantic was my now ex. I didn't feel like I was at a first time, but I came to idea after some reflection. Also the struggle of all aros - is how to describe how is it and being not erased from reality by alos that can't be bothered to understand 😢
@NotALotOfColonial_SpaghettiToG Жыл бұрын
same to the toxic crushes thing 12 year old me was a toxic asshole stalker to girls I found vaguely interesting because i was so insecure
@kingamiko382 Жыл бұрын
more than appreciative of the talk about how not all aro folks are also ace! I'm alloaro (allosexual and aromantic) and more often than not I find people (Even within the community, meaning other aromantic people) completely overlooking that aspect. Being aromantic is a very important part of my identity, and it warms my heart to see this video here :]
@abbyj2783 Жыл бұрын
Its so cool to hear someone talk about aromanticism from a scientific perspective! As an aroace, there are a lot of things about attraction in general that I find very perplexing. And people's inability to put into words what attraction was or what it was supposed to look like, it took me a long time to recognize my orientation. It was easier to realize I was asexual than aromantic, since I still wanted a romantic relationship. Aromantics that desire romantic relationships are called cupioromantics. I have been lucky enough to find a partner (especially since it happens to be with an allo, one with literally no connection to the queer community lol), but it's not an easy relationship to experience due to the doubt and worry that it is destined to fail. I'm constantly told that it won't work out, that he'll hate being in a sexless relationship, that I should just find another aroace or get in a QPR. But my partner consistently reassures me and helps to encourage me, and I look forward to marrying him someday soon.
@elisanehme538 Жыл бұрын
Im aromantic and i got so excited to see the flag on this thumbnail!
@yourlocalratlord844 Жыл бұрын
Thank you for this episode! I am on the aromantic spectrum and do not desire a romantic relationship. I only recently have been starting to come to terms with my aromanticism after forcing myself into relationships for years or trying to force myself to have romantic feelings for people. This was very interesting and helped me a lot!
@pocketsizedcg Жыл бұрын
I am! I am SOOOO excited that my sci guys are covering this 💚🤍🖤
@atakji_art Жыл бұрын
Really interesting episode! As someone who identifies as "somewhere on the aromantic spectrum" it's a bit sad that there are not many studies on Aromantism itself. Because I am not asexual, I can't really relate (not sure if that's the right word here) to those studies, but again, people are different and studies can always vary from what we as individuals feel
@six______ Жыл бұрын
im gray-aromantic, i never see anybody talk about aromanticism and it's spectrum so this was very pleasant, love your accents
@llewballantine6678 Жыл бұрын
Honestly, as an aromantic asexual, this is pretty insightful for me in how people experience attraction.
@warriorcatkitty Жыл бұрын
aayy hello fellow aroace!
@lokemikaze Жыл бұрын
there *really* is a huge lack of research about aromanticism. i finished my thesis about bbc's sherlock as an aroace character a month or so ago, and while it was difficult to find research about asexuality, there was basically nothing about aromanticism, which meant i had to lump it in with asexuality instead of separating them. as an aroace person myself, the lack of research is really frustrating, and the overwhelming amount of negative findings in asexual research is honestly depressing. i went into my thesis work excited to write about something i'm passionate about, but ended up not wanting to work on it due to all the negativity (though i did finish and am happy with my result!). i hope society becomes more including and accepting soon, and that asexual and aromantic people become more normalised
@tyler_does_arson Жыл бұрын
i am greyromantic asexual and im very happy you guys are talking about this :) thank you patrons!
@raincloudrat6970 Жыл бұрын
yeah! :D
@blue_the_boy_kisser Жыл бұрын
After watching Matt Walsh's video on Asexuals & Aromantics....god I needed this lmao
@nyanbrox5418 Жыл бұрын
1:09:45-1:09:55 I have been brought to tears by how relatable this is, for the last few years I've struggled with things like how would I live with future partners and such, an old friend of mine said that if I don't experience romantic attraction then I shouldn't get married, which was maybe even slightly traumatic as an event, because everyone who isn't getting married not only can't afford things like a house but also if I have things like low romantic attraction low sociosexual attraction medium-high sexual attraction Then like, why the frick isn't there a social structure that I'm allowed to use to fulfill those things, I mean sure I sort of described it as like can I get married to a roomate, but still just be roomates? in my last relationship, I genuinely wasn't sure how I could function with a partner who had a whole bunch of romantic things which they expected from me, but which I didn't like, feel? if that makes sense I guess for example, we tried kissing, which they really enjoyed, saying it was like the best kiss they've ever felt or whatever, and that made me happy and sad at the same time, because it was technically the best kiss I had had too, being that it was the first one... but then I also felt like, nothing whatsoever, so I was thinking, yeah, this is also technically the worst kiss I've ever had Amusingly, not enjoying something as much if at all, may actually mean you might be better at it because you're more focused on what the other person is feeling, so I really do think that while we should keep the structures we already have, I think we should culturally allow more people to take advantage of them like, I think marriage is a great idea, it socially stops my partner from sleeping around and such, which it turns out that yes there are alot of people, I don't know if it's the majority or not, who absolutely would do that if they had the chance, and like, respecting that, but also realising the reason why it isn't ok, shouldn't be because of some arbitrary rule, it should be for when your partner has a low sociosexual attraction, and maybe would be deeply hurt by those actions because they themselves would only do that if they didn't absolutely love their partner and then there's obviously the whole stability thing, not just in children but also said resources, because you lose alot financially when a couple splits up, half of the people lose a house so there's that, and nobody wants to wake up one day with nowhere to live So yeah I mean, basically, I think we probably need to just, sit down and all talk about our feelings and stuff, and then do the things that fulfills all of our needs, and doesn't harm anyone I guess, maybe that's the thing that people are "inconvenienced" by, when their world view is wrong, or doesn't fit everyone, because if there are people out there who aren't like them, they might be hurt by those people in ways which neither of them had realised ahead of time, seeing as most people look at things from their own perspective and struggle to see things from other peoples, or at least I do Important things, clear self analysis and communication, what do we want and what do they want, can we both get what we want in a way which is healthy and not harmful, etc
@iaminyoursandwich Жыл бұрын
the graph you guys were talking about i've often seen with the Z axis being repulsed however there are too many different variables that go into this. As someone who started identifying as aromantic around this time last year I'm so glad that you're doing an episode on this because there's just not enough information about aromanticism and it can feel very isolateing when everyone else subscribes to amatanormativity and you don't. I'd also like to recommened Anthony Padilla's "I spent a day with aromantic people" as it is a video of aromantic people discussing their experiences and it has a diverse group (considering there's 3 of them) it really helped me come to terms with being aro :D
@outsideaglass8 ай бұрын
I am no longer aromantic, but in my early 20's (now 30) it was the only valid label for me. I will forever appreciate the asexual Tumblr community because they were the first ones on the internet that my younger self heard of cross-orientations. I had sexual attraction, at the time I thought I was heterosexual, but with one exception I had 0% romantic attraction to men. At the time I didn't have the words to explain what that one exception meant for me, because I did not feel demiromantic, I felt aromantic with one outlier. It was only when I realized when I was 25 that I was pansexual that all the hints finally clicked together for me, ironically when talking with my ex (I dated another man just to try monogamy on for size, so at that time, two exceptions) he was the one who figured it out! "What do that guy and I have in common?" It was femininity! I'm femromantic! No romantic attraction to masculinity, but high romantic attraction to all things feminine. If she breathes and moves and is correct age for whatever age I was at when talking about this, I had a crush on her. And these were the only two men that were feminine enough to get my romantic attraction activated, and masculine enough that I didn't have to acknowledge how gay I was. I'm from Texas, extreme internalized homophobia/transphobia. Took me til 29 to realize I was also trans non-binary. So thanks to asexuals who talked about their romantic attractions on Tumblr in the 2000-2010's, and to the aroaces on Tumblr who talked about aromanticism! Helped me narrow myself down in my journey. And I'd say sorry that aromanticism was my phase, but no, any part of your journey, any label that helps you find yourself is good.
@eyevou7 ай бұрын
There is a school of thought where a person can be drawn to certain genders no matter their current gender. Even after reincarnation your preferences may not change.
@kalax10 Жыл бұрын
an aroace here. im so happy that someone finally speaks about us especially that it are 2 allo (not aro/ace) peeps and you are so open its lovely to hear
@egoa5749 Жыл бұрын
the "are you aromantic?" question is getting as hard to answer as the "what's your sexuality?" question.
@luxill0s Жыл бұрын
Hello, I’m aroace (or, somewhere on that spectrum) and nonbinary. I want to be in a QPR because I feel uncomfortable labeling my attachments to others as “romance.” However, it’s difficult finding people who are willing to stay in that grey area alongside me. I take an incredibly long time to develop a strong attachment to others compared to people I’ve talked with and can drop weak attachments very quickly. I’ve never understood the concept of dating someone before you really know them as a person or have shared a prolonged friendship together. I don’t like the concept of sexual acts being performed on me, though I do have certain things that give me pleasure and I would be fine performing sexual acts on people that I have strong attachments to. This is why I have decided that I’m much closer to being asexual than allosexual. I just wanted to share my personal feelings in case anyone else had the same thoughts and needed someone that could understand their situation because of their personal experience with it.
@cosinev1265 Жыл бұрын
I don't watch this show but as an aro I appreciate the visibility very much!
@liesjelualockse6377 Жыл бұрын
On the aro & spectra there is also the extreme end of the scale; romantic or sexual repulse☝️🙂 I'm an aromantic person with a lot of platonic love and passionate seggslife. I dont experience intimicy as exlusive and dont want a classic monogomous relationship. Makes me poly I guess? I have always amhad an aversion to disneyprincesses image of love. I love living alone.love being a strong, independant WoWman 😎I do have a lot of long term, commited relationships! And a cat ^^ My life feels very complete this way, I am able to appreciate and communicate the diff types of love that I feel +interactions I want better and to have respectfull forfilling relationships 💚✌️ Thnx Sciguys+ patreons for doing this topic, stoked!
@snytty Жыл бұрын
This is one of my top favorite episodes of all shows of all formats ever
@specch.8873 Жыл бұрын
really good episode, I've been questioning the possibility of me being aro for a while now, whenever the topic of kissing,dating, crushes... comes up among my friend group I just feel like foreigner to the subject, even though I have felt sexual or aesthetic attraction it was never strong enough to the point I could compare to what my friends described having a crush is, for this and for media constantly shoving the idea that romance is an universal feeling I used to feel like a robot for not feeling this particularly emotion, I'm glad aromantism is getting talked about a little more so people are able to find a community of people like them
@Leon-cq2uj Жыл бұрын
Aro-spec here! If I were to be specific I'd call it grey-aromantic which means I experience romantic attraction very infrequently and weakly. I can't say full aro because I've been romantically attracted to a few people before, even quite embarrasingly, but I can go YEARS without ever having romantic feelings or desires. I think this identity is heavily influenced by my asexuality however because I'm sex averse and hate kissing and any kind of touching leading up to that, and I struggle to picture what romantic relationships are like without those activities to more obviously divide romantic/sexual and platonic/non-sexual relationships. It's weird! Whenever I've dated the relationship has always ended because I failed to fulfil the expectations of a romantic relationship (physical affection, saying "I love you" enough or at all, etc) and have been told that dating me felt like we were still "just friends", which has probably also affected my perspective and given me this opinion that I am simply unable to fill the role of a romantic partner and would be better suited for something less defined and queer-platonic without expectations of what it's supposed to look like or how we're supposed to act. So even when I do experience romantic attraction it doesn't feel the same as how non-aro people seem to experience it, so I'm more comfortable identifying as aro-spec than saying I'm completely alloromantic. It's wild how something that looks so universal and clear from the outside can actually be so complex under closer inspection.
@morganmeadowes6861 Жыл бұрын
Are you aromantic? Yes, I am! And it’s always so funny to watch allos try to explain what romantic attraction is because most of the time they try to explain it with sexual attraction, sensual attraction or can’t differentiate between romantic and platonic without the aforementioned attractions or without using the term 'in a romantic way' to describe it. But I’m really happy that you tried to be more specific than that! And about demisexuality, you really have to visualise that spectrum. Like, on one side there’s allosexual and on the other side there’s asexual, everything that is not the extreme that is allosexual is a part of the asexual spectrum because the asexual spectrum is just everything that is different to the 'norm' that is allosexual. If that makes any sense. What I would like to add to the conversation about queer platonic relationships and/or aromantic people who are in a relationship that looks/works just like romantic relationship is that, while in our society romantic relationships are often perceived as somehow 'more' than platonic relationships, that isn’t necessarily true, platonic relationships can be just as important to a person than a romantic relationship. So I take a little bit of an issue in you saying that a queer platonic relationship or a relationship that works/looks like a romantic relationship but involves aromantic people is the same as for everyone else just without the romantic feeling. While yes, that’s essentially what it is, that doesn’t mean there’s no feeling there or that there is 'less' feeling there. Queer platonic relationships can be just as fulfilling to people as romantic relationships can be. And therefore, queer platonic relationships or relationships that work/look like a romantic relationship don’t exist just because they are useful to (aromantic) people but also just because an aromantic person (just like any alloromantic person) might just not want to live alone. Not just because of convenience but also because of feeling, just not romantic feelings. (Okay, that was all over the place, I hope that was understandable.)
@bubbiccino Жыл бұрын
Hi there! I think I’m aro/arospec and would like some help differentiating between the different types of attractions. If you have any examples, I would really like to hear them! I’m still trying to discern the difference between what society wants me to think is romantic feelings and how I actually feel. My imagination is pretty subpar, so when people give analogies/accurate descriptions that I relate to, I feel like the info finally clicks/portion of the picture I’m working on is complete with the right puzzle piece!
@morganmeadowes6861 Жыл бұрын
@@bubbiccino Hey, so the attractions I can think of at the moment are romantic attraction, sexual attraction, platonic attraction, sensual attraction and aesthetic attraction. I couldn’t explain what romantic attraction is if my life depended on it, precisely because I’m aromantic but the others are pretty simple. Aesthetic attraction is when you like someone’s aesthetic, meaning you look at somebody and think they look really good/cool but not in the way that you want to have sexual relations with them but just look and think "their hair is really cool and their outfit, too". Sensual attraction is when you like touching someone or would like to touch someone, again, not a a sexual way but just imagine you really wanna give a friend a hug, just for the sake of a hug, or wanna hold someone’s hand maybe, just for the sake of touching them. Platonic attraction is, of course, when you want to be someone’s friend, so the main way you’ll notice a squish (as a 'crush' on someone you wanna be friends with is called in the aroace community) is when you just want to spent time with someone, this may include any attractions of the above and also sexual attraction but of course doesn’t have to. Sexual attraction is looking at someone and thinking "I wanna have sex with that person purely because I have sexual urges right now". This is also not as easy as saying "everyone who has sex isn’t asexual", if you’re familiar with the three differentiations: sex positive asexuals (someone who is asexual and likes having sex , because it feels good or because it’s a connection to someone in a different way, for example), sex neutral asexuals (someone who is asexual and doesn’t mind having sex but doesn’t care either way) and sex repulsed asexuals (someone who does not want to have sex at all). So sexual attraction is also not so easy to explain, I suppose. Romantic attraction can include all of the above but doesn’t have to, is all I can say about that. 🤷
@morganmeadowes6861 Жыл бұрын
@@bubbiccino I would also recommend this video or this channel I’m general, they’re very good at explaining aroace related questions (and they’re also funny). kzbin.info/www/bejne/gaOlpnuigtiZmLM
@bubbiccino Жыл бұрын
@@morganmeadowes6861 Thanks for the info! I definitely recognize the feeling of aesthetic attraction, and nothing beyond it, compared to allos. I’m still iffy about platonic and romantic though, haha (if any aro learns the difference and has a good explanation/analogy, I need in on it!). Also ace so learned some stuff about it somewhat recently. I heard the term “sex favorable,” and I think that fits what you’ve described as sex positive (which I learned as viewing consensual sexual acts to be healthy/good). The distinction between the two is said to be personal feelings vs sociopolitical views? Not sure if it’s too important, but wanted to share this nugget of info too (perhaps I am being redundant if you already know). Again, thanks for your help and quick reply 😊
@morganmeadowes6861 Жыл бұрын
@@bubbiccino Yeah, I’ve heard sex favourable before, I just assumed it was the same. Thanks for sharing! :)
@okssCh6 ай бұрын
This episode is awesome! I'm strict aroace, but I associate with aromatic part more because I feel that it has a bigger influence on my life. I'm happy to see an episode about aromanticism because a lot of people haven't even heard of it. Some of my aromatic experiences: In middle school, a lot of my classmates talked about having crushes, and after some time, I've consciously picked a guy who looked handsome to have a "crush" on him. It was years later when I realized that it was just aesthetic attraction (and social expectations). Also for some time I thought I was bisexual because I like guys and girls equally (0=0) It took me about a year from the time I first heard of a-spectrum to realize that I'm aroace with multiple steps in the process. And for me, accepting that I'm ace was simpler than accepting being aro (because of how our society values romantic relationships much more than others)
@citrusmouth Жыл бұрын
i’m demiromantic bc of trauma. haven’t had the best people in my life so i can only feel romantic attraction once i’m friends with someone and trust that they like me for me.
@Novasium Жыл бұрын
im aroace and im really glad that you guys did a podcast like this because ive actually been really interested in this topic despite there being little to no research i could find of it online.
@Randomperson22222212 ай бұрын
thank you for touching on the actual financial complications of being aromantic hahah it's an under recognized struggle we face, this world is truly built around the nuclear family structure and there are supports in place and rewards for people who fit in those structures but not as much for 'single' people. the 'single' tax is so real. as someone who plans on being single for their whole life cause I am very firmly on the far end of the aromantic spectrum and don't feel any inclination at all to ever be in a romantic relationship, it is daunting knowing how unaffordable my life will be. That, and the constant questions/judgement from my family that I'm a cold hearted spinster are defs the worst parts... (tho i will have fun being a spinster idc i love being alone it just still hurts when the people who care about can't understand that there's nothing wrong with you, you are just different. it's not a deficit being aromantic, just different). Also I will say it was nice hearing alloromantics being respectful and so understanding about this, also hearing your side because conversely, I find people who do experience romantic attraction SO CONFUSING. It's nice hearing your perspectives. i can't wrap my head around a crush, or the dumb decisions people make in relationships. Discovering that there's a whole ass type of emotional connection that I just am not wired to experience was a gamechanger i thought everyone was just faking it and trying to fit into societal expectations.
@the_maybe Жыл бұрын
Gonna leave an unnecessarily long comment now bc this is genuinely one of, if not the best explanation or deep dive into aromanticism I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot. Most videos educating about aromanticism are aimed at alloromantic people, they start with a bog-standard dictionary definition, debunk a couple of stereotypes and talk about how we 'really are lgbtq+', and that's basically it, it was so refreshing to see people, especially two alloromantic people, talk so candidly but also compassionately about aromanticism and their perceptions and thoughts towards it, but also ask genuinely interesting questions, like about how demisexuality and demiromanticism fit on and within the ace and aro spectrums. I also really appreciated the fact you discussed not just the feelings of social isolation and otherness aro people can feel, but also the practical, political side of how in society we are incentivised to get married and how living alone is financially difficult or downright impossible for a lot of people. When people argue that aro people aren't oppressed and therefore aren't lgbt+, people often bring up the feelings of not fitting in or feeling like there's something wrong with us or feeling pressured into romantic relationships, but because the majority of the population aren't going "being aro is disgusting, god hates aros, aro people are groomers" (although we are pathologised and called mentally ill), any struggles we do face are individual ones and not systemic, which is clearly not the case. So yeah thank you for this one :)
@AynoTaicho8 ай бұрын
Can I say that friendships are definitely underrated in society? In my experience, a lot of society values romantic partners higher than a friendship. I've been through so much with my best friends, I love them so much, yet I am never allowed to bring them to any family function. Sure, my cousin who has dated that one dude for three weeks can bring him. But I cannot bring my friend of 18 years who is very dear to my heart? ): I'm aro and ace. It wasn't until I was 24 that I heard the terms, heard what it is and it finally clicked. Every "crush" I had during my school years was kind of forced on me. Some teenage girls can be mean and if you tell them at a sleepover that you do not have a crush they rip you to shreds for supposedly lying. So whenever it came up I asked the others who they think I was crushing on. I just went with the person they suggested. I have never experienced a shred of either sexual or romantic attraction. The stories people tell, romance novels, it all sounds like magic to me. But I am not a magic person. I can't cast spells. Magic people may or may not understand what a magicless person experiences but it doesn't hinder me in my daily life. I don't expect for me to ever be able to cast spells. Though I am not saying it might not happen, I just don't expect it any longer.
@mothmate34 Жыл бұрын
Hi! I'm on the aromantic spectrum! Its nice to see some media talking about it, thanks! :)
@sdfghjasdfghjk81754 ай бұрын
I'm exploring my potential aromanticism, mainly on the premise that I don't know what romance is, what separates it from friendship. This has been helpful data and I welcome more. Thank you.
@cocomuffin4666 Жыл бұрын
i am not aromantic, in fact im quite overly romantic, even though ive never actually been in a relationship before and being born on valentines day sure is a cute coincidence (is it a blessing or a curse?)... ive never once thought about aromanticism as a concept before i had heard of the word, it simply never occurred to me that someone wouldn't be able to feel love/romance/sexual attraction to anyone at all - not sure if my preconceived notions about what it even is are correct at all but im open and really interested to learn about it through this podcast :)
@grenade8572 Жыл бұрын
When I was younger, I though that only the villains can't feel romantic attraction. I just realized I'm strongly aro (never felt romantic attraction, I'm in my 30s). 😅
@maggpng Жыл бұрын
Y’all sound get “Sounds Fake But Okay” on, they’re great at talking about aspec stuff :)
@teigandavis9928 Жыл бұрын
I am aromantic. I'm so happy for this video
@moonbunny24 Жыл бұрын
I think that an episode on what would ACTUALLY happen if someone carried out the Russian Sleep Experiment might have been a cool loophole of sorts!
@kamiartstuff6782 Жыл бұрын
I still can't seem to figure out the difference from romantic and platonic love, when i try to talk to my cishet friends they don't really know how to explain and the conversation never goes very far, i wish i had an aro/ace friend 😫😫