The Secret to Understanding Humans | Larry C. Rosen | TEDxsalinas

What really matters to human beings? With compassion and humor, mediator and attorney Larry Rosen opens a window into the human unconscious that will help you understand everyone, from your spouse to your mother to your boss, no matter how seemingly bizarre their words or actions. His simple and profound insight will improve every important relationship in your life.
Larry Rosen is the founder of the mediation law practice Through Understanding, where he has helped thousands find solutions to crippling legal and personal conflicts. He regularly lectures on motivation and empathy at Berkeley, MIT and other national universities, as well as trains attorneys and business professionals to see the hidden human mind. At the heart of Larry’s endeavors is a simple philosophy: when people understand each other at a fundamental level, magic happens. They solve seemingly intractable problems-together. They build new and beautiful worlds-together. Larry holds a JD from the UCLA School of Law, where he graduated Order of the Coif and was an editor of the Law Review.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

[@mrsuperdudly1]

“But hurting another person is not a human need.” I like this. It really stuck out to me for some reason.

[@farmankhan5292]

Hurting other's would be fulfilling other needs like showing their superiority to Gain respect

[@BEATTECHN1QUE]

Perhaps aggression is another form of communicating something you wanted - instantly, I can assume then there are calmer methods to achieve what's intended. This is a relatable talk.

[@NeonCicada]

Actually it is a human need and there's plenty of science and history to back that assertion. don't know of any evidence or history that would support this irrational belief that humans don't have deep primal needs of violence against each other.

[@lachlanfry6974]

@@NeonCicada what his main point of that section however was that it can be broken down into much more simpler terms, as 'revenge' or simple 'primal aggression' is too vague.

[@angelinarobert622]

Eat more 75% cacao for Tryptophan + some carbohydrates+enzyme=Serotonin. With the right enzyme, instant feelings of being socially respected. Watch out for mood crashes two hours later though. At least that's been my experience. There's no need for aggression and often misinterpreted. Learn to meditate to stay calm the world of your own mind won't bore you. ☮️ Peace. ☮️

[@hastley64]

i'm just imagining how incredibly useful this video will be to aliens

[@kiara4345]

JAHAHAHAHAHHAGAGAGAG

[@kathleenchery6357]

😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@angelinarobert622]

i'm thinking that for peaceful interactions but about AIs. Why would aliens even risk their own lives in coming here? would aliens send they send their own AIs here instead for their own safety? Humans are way too hostile. "let's build force field and make aliens pay for it all" rolls eyes. it's by Berlin. Who is Take My Breath Away by? Someone hasn't a clue from history. Walls keep people in as well as people out. People are just people you haven't met. Peace. 🖖

[@rajivsharma7279]

😎😎

[@jonathanschaffer2594]

As a human alien, I appreciate this

[@hikodzu]

"Understanding is exactly how you create the world that you want"

[@hikodzu]

"Hurting another person is not a human need"

[@umayafarooq4116]

Understanding is the most important thing in my opinion because we don't know what is going on in others mind but we can only understand what is talking about . If anybody talks about something but other person can take it in another way so I can say that Understanding is very much important for knowing others.

[@hollyweare843]

Absolutely mind-blowing talk. We are so often quick to judge and jump to conclusions about one another when really we're all the same. The world would be a much better place if we all took the time to understand each other.

[@memelord7783]

@Brian Holtzman 👌

[@farangisehsani592]

Check out Angela Merkel's speech in Harvard university. She exactly said the same that we need to focus on our similarities rather than differences and that's the key.

[@captainjacksparrow5398]

Yah,

[@alanwolf5632]

Indeed, if ever a taliban gets a hold of you, preach to him about human needs. 🤣🤦🏻‍♂️

[@REV.nowhere]

@@farangisehsani592 p

[@abcd12342695]

"Understanding is the power to shape the world."

[@biomolecules7483]

Yes sir

[@nosurrender5039]

Exactly

[@jackphoto]

What the world needs now...not just love sweet love, but a deeper understanding, beneath our surface differences to understanding that we're all so much the same. As Larry explains here, this is how we can be happier in our personal lives, and also work toward peace in our societies. Amen, brother!

[@musicismylife886]

Jack Gescheidt :)

[@Acalamity]

We are not the same.

[@Khepramancer]

@@Acalamity No we're not, but I think the point of that statement was more- 'we need the same kinds of things', as human beings.

[@markgarcia2235]

Differences keep us from bridging our devition. Human race will never have this serenade. As much as it is needed.

[@markgarcia2235]

@@Acalamity We are, everything wrong is caused by differences of beliefs. Does not matter. Shouldn't. In the end will not.

[@PinkYellowGreen2023]

I’ve always thought the quickest way to gain an understanding of others was to simply ask clarifying questions, listening, and showing others you don’t mean them any harm to lower their defenses.

[@gracetruexbby]

This is such a profound lecture. I literally found myself analyzing several scenarios in my own life through the lens of this lecture. Wow!

[@SirHMr]

This video is just GREAT! I find myself coming to re-watch it every now and then.

[@leafasano]

Right on target...engaging...accessible...informative.Any tool that helps us better understand each other is just what we all need!Thank you!!

[@prathikhanji3232]

this is the one video to watch to get interested in the nature of human behaviour. He explained it clearly with examples and references. There are just 30 needs for a human being... life is simple

[@roxannebelvareeves]

How you framed those two young men is such profound way to frame the human spirit and our common needs. Thank you for that! I am also thrilled to hear how you incorporate neuroscience as this is an area that also applies to my work and research.

[@thereallinnz9407]

This is absolute ART itself in the lesson that is his mediation story.

[@zoji9566]

Seek to understand why you do what you do. There is an innocence down there at the bottom of the well. When you finally see it in yourself, trace how it rides alongside all of your actions, good and bad. Then turn outward and seek to see the same in the actions of every other person you interact with. See it clearly in yourself, then in others, and you may feel an inner peace arise and take root in you... This is a profound mediation of an inner war. After this understanding, you can begin to mediate outer wars too. Incredible TED talk, thank you so much for sharing.

[@lovena3851]

If the whole world could follow this speeches of yours that would be the biggest blesssings & thing ever happened in everyone's life, hats off for this awesome words Mr. Larry! GodBless you

[@10ON10]

*incredible talk*

[@retellable]

Beautiful exploration into human behavior. Funny, profound, and valuable. "Human behavior is complex. But human needs are simple. We seek these common needs, and nothing else." Also I loved this line: "I cried too. I had 10 minutes. What was I going to do?" Bravo!

[@elishevahgodfrey3888]

Yes, I always say, "Reasons are not excuses, but often understanding the reasons helps."

[@lucy4905]

I have literally watched this like 10 times and I will continue to watch it. It’s amazing!!!

[@janicebedsole3547]

Completely captivating! Great insights into what makes us all tick, in terms we can viscerally understand and apply. Worth the 18 minutes of your time it takes to watch!

[@zecare]

This was such a good talk, perhaps my favorite. Indeed understanding isn’t condoning.

[@AmbiCahira]

Such a great and true speech! To understand gives empathy and you can have empathy and still disagree. As a kid my mom was strict but had behaviors that puzzled me, that to myself felt hurtful and unfair. And I want things to make sense or I will obsess until they do and this was one of the biggest ones. It started with trying to understand my mom's behaviors, continued to observing behaviors in school corridors versus the same people outside of the friend group and subtitle changes when the same person was with different people. I started to study behavior, body language and psychology in my own young head. Then internet came and I started to try to find online data to understand her but also why I was different and felt broken and failed. It went on. Long story short, I found what he was talking about when I was studying animal behavior, psychology,motivation, development, basic needs and social needs and saw parallels that wasn't on the human pages with huge hard words. It started to make sense. We can do 2 things, 1 is to look at past, present and future behaviors. What are they doing now, what did they experience to conclude that this is the best way to cope and deal, and what do they wish to achieve by doing so which tends to be either to avoid unpleasant to ever happen again - anxiety, or strive for pleasant as in strive for happiness and success. When stuck and lost in the middle you have depression and despair. The 2nd is motivator as he talked about. Humans and animals alike are reward driven. In short if you don't gain on it you will hate doing it even when common sense tells you it's good for you. To understand someone you can wonder what emotion are they going through and what things in life can cause that emotion. Tears are a good example. Are those happy tears? Sad, overwhelmed, empathetic, afraid, and so on and what triggered to feel that way. To go back to my mom she was stricter to me for 2 reasons. One was that she lost her firstborn, a son, and was scared to drive away my very confident independent brother and savor getting a second chance, and stricter tome because I was her mirror and shaping me was to try to shape herself but also to try to get me to be equipped to avoid experiencing what ever it is that she went through. She has never told me what it is. To finish off, my biggest moment of empathy to my mother when I hated her the most (hate = hurt) was when she spoke to my grandmother in a conversation and I saw her revert into her inner child that was triggered by something granny said. I saw hurt, fear, feeling sad,broken, misunderstood, old loneliness. My strong strict mom... was not much different than me. That was the day... everything she ever did made sense to me, even the things I disagreed with.

[@ernaselimovic5478]

Do psychology

[@madihahassaan7642]

Thank you so much for your comment Ambi. I needed to hear this today. I can try and understand my mom better now!

[@lunafringe10]

americans talking and writing abt empathy when they have none, kinda funny

[@amanmagar2117]

Thnks to the speaker u really made my intrest in psychology and human nature much more profound and... strong..human nature is always driven by understanding motives..wow .

[@Userizekai123]

His voice is calming

[@TheHardyMix]

I am so fascinated with Ted Talks I can’t get enough. This is amazing I hope more people will try to understand each other

[@ryanwanjay8243]

i keep coming to this - what you've talked about this has struck me so deeply. I have not understood everything yet but i do have an inkling about how to get better at this. Thanks for your talk Larry.

[@chtwithtris7912]

Wow... I love this...In my whole life, the most difficult task I've ever had and still having is understanding human. I hope more presentation on this topic would be posted for people like me to learn. Nice one Larry

[@sq7755]

Wow. This talk was enlightening. I would often surmise that by understanding myself, I could project that understanding onto others under the assumption that all human beings are generally one and the same in regard to what we are looking for. I love how Larry Rosen ties this idea into enhancing our relationships with others.

[@ikravchik]

Straight to the point, without getting too sappy and emotional!

[@jorgeromera3861]

Amazing, mind-blowing speech. Simple when you think about it, but incredibly deep as always is the truth. Thank you, sir.

[@philosophy_paradoxrealityk3619]

Will I haven't watch the video but there is a different between something deep and something wise. When someone saids something deep doesn't mean there not misdirecting you to the wrong path. It is kind of have the same concept as being half-right or manipulating the truth.

[@carlosmueller3031]

Amazing speech! It is very interesting to hear the points you had and then realize how true they are. I've never had this eye-opening moment when it comes to similarities in two completely different lives. When I was younger my parents were strict, and we were never on the same understanding level, so I never had the chance to prove them wrong. A decade later I have a little sister and I see so many similarities we share to when I was younger. She is interested in a lot of things as I was, and she sometimes gets frustrated because no one understands her. But I always talk to her and let her know that I understand, and I also try to explain it to my parents so that they Understand. I feel like you cannot always talk to people and understand how exactly they feel but you can get a basic understanding of their situation. The best example in my case is the development of a person. According to research Nature and nurture are equally important to the development of a person but as I stated before I see so many similarities in me and my sister even if we grew up in different countries. The same comes to the changes in my parents. They changed a lot when it comes to being strict (“A good example of such influences is the fact that growing infants influence their parents’ behavior at the same time that they are changed by it." ("MindTap - Cengage learning," n.d.)) but they still don't agree and understand us. So, what is the best way to help someone see and understand our points and thoughts?

[@geetsuri123]

Its like i am commenting on this to fulfill a simple common human need. Wow. We consider mattering outside world just because we want to fulfill needs. Wow. So what we really want is to fulfill those needs. Wow what a discovery. Whatever action and thought is happening, i am doing those to fulfill simple needs.. the truth does not actually matters (if the truth is derived in the realm of thought)

[@DownUnderOzzy]

I came across this TED whilst looking for First Principles of human behaviour. The research is not for Doctorate but how I can help my clients create a safe working space for their staff and to support the staff to be accountable for their actions. It’s the corporate village. I loved the respect Larry gave to the Humans in his stories and how the first “impression” of behaviour is not always at the core. This is such an important subject for us right now as I feel as a society we have a sliding door moment in our evolution to take the path of Community or Commodity. I choose community.

[@ioctane2891]

The desire to be accepted is not a basic need though. This is just a way to test our "worth" as a human being on other people. The real need behind it is be worthy. Not to feel worthy.

[@lindsaybrill3600]

I have to disagree..... I believe Acceptance is the Primary human need. Most behaviorists will call it "belonging," but I feel there's a vast difference between the two... and upon my pondering this exact question as long as I have, I feel strongly that Acceptance is a much better explanation. Within the feeling of true Acceptance is the feeling of genuine Appreciation. And of course, I have to argue that for most people who may disagree with me, although I value their opinion regardless of it being in opposition, the best way to understand what I am saying is to consider the ideas I am proposing by actually visualizing them....understanding HOW they feel within yourself. I agree that yes, of course, we all need to feel worthy... However, BEFORE we can even gauge whether or not we hold any worth, we first must feel Accepted. The feeling of Acceptance at the actual core of the feeling is to feel safe in WHO they are; to feel that the most important individuals in one's life (most commonly one's biological family, ie birth mother, biological father, any blood siblings...then furthermore their immediate family if this is not their biological family...) have a basic level of APPRECIATION for their existence.... At the very bottom of the Worthiness Ladder, is what I would call the first 'rung' of Acceptance. In order to build any worth, one must have this FOUNDATIONAL sense of being Accepted, or feeling that it is okay to be who they genuinely are.

[@Oculoustuos]

I Octane ‘be worthy’ ? How is that accomplished? Worthy of what? Who or what measures ‘being’ worthy? To ‘be worthy’ implies some standard. Whence is that standard? I rather subscribe to the words of Jesus when He said: “So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, 'We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.'" Luke 17:7 NIV translation

[@Oculoustuos]

“So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, 'We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.'" Luke 17:7 NIV

[@darrickcortez7672]

the desire to be accepted is just another brainwashing tactic for those of higher calibur to manipulate you. your 'acceptance' is just another way of them trying to control you. it's as simple as that. think for yourself, or forever be judged. i prefer to live my life as i see fit :) no judgements. as only i can live my life the way i want :)

[@zain4019]

@@darrickcortez7672 Our freedom lies not in being loved, but in loving. If we recollect over our lives, and if we are honest, we see that the deepest happiness we have had is when we have loved. Not when we are loved, but when we give our joy freely to another, without thought. This is what all spiritual teachings have conveyed in various ways over the millennia. It is in giving that we receive, in loving that we find love. Not a faint glimmer, but the unlimited and infinite expression of love, that knows nothing other than itself. Love upon which all universes rest, that which in reality is our very being.

[@LaserCutProjects]

That talk was absolutely fantastic and transformational, thank you so very much for sharing!

[@tubgtung1999]

Thank you for the talk. Mind blowing idea. It teaches me how to use the knowledge I learnt in high school and how to understand people.

[@AJay-qb4qq]

What a moment ..much respect 5:38 ✊🏽

[@afgafg6471]

Understanding is NOT condoning behavior! Revenge is a substitute for a deeper human need! BOOM! 🤯

[@ConsciousMoney]

My first KZbin comment ever. Wow, Larry. This talk & the clarity, pace at which you gave it really met my needs for inspiration, learning & shared reality. Thank you! May the Internet force align with all our life forces for it to go viral.

[@varunvara2169]

Hi

[@seanpf2]

Hello

[@lucasceleste4743]

Howdy

[@morningmotovationwithmikey2856]

Bravo... beautiful synopsis on the truth behind human psychology which is simple... our most basic need to be understood on a core level

[@emilysavakerr]

Listening to this one while folding laundry, and 2/3rds of the way through it invokes tears for me because of an example he gives about an ex-husband and wife who at one moment felt hate and resentment, but once they understood the motivations, felt love and understanding. I have always seen human commonality more so than human differences. I believe no matter how different we are culturally, racially, rich/poor, man/woman, old/young, or whatever -- we all have common motivations. Common needs. I wish the media and all of the influential outlets focused on similarity & love over drama & divide.

[@lunafringe10]

the loyalty of animals is unsurpassed.

[@GKHub1470]

Hi

[@filippetrucha5422]

"..what was I gonna do.." 10/10 btw, good talk.

[@kinarast]

Thank you. I really needed this. I'm an understanding person and just want to understand more

[@AnuragMehta]

I would like to add a word to understanding - empathy. Great talk, very illuminating. Although we need to start with ourselves to understand what drives us and then we are onlynwe will be able to go and understand others ! Thanks for the talk.

[@12shivamgoswami]

One of finest ted talks Thank you

[@scienceintime4253]

What he taught us was always been inside us but we realised it after watching this motivational video. Love from india sir.

[@ZaeemCheema-ex7bq]

I have a keen interest in learning human behavior and after seeing this video i will save much of my time I'm just really thankful to you from the bottom of my heart ❤

[@alibeaumont-filder3185]

Thank you .. for this recommendation... and to the presenter for his very comprehensible - learn the language of the heart ... love.

[@harichandanachn]

I mastered in this way before and won many hearts... what he said is absolutely true accept them for who they are

[@nghialam8x]

Thank you for such nice sharing!!

[@francismausley7239]

"Man's speech is the revealer of his heart. In whatever world the heart travels, man's conversation will revolve around that center. From his words you can understand in what world he is travelling, whether he is looking upward toward the realm of light or downward to the nether world..." ~ Abdu'l-Bahá, Baha'i Faith

[@vikramraj8238]

Very well said sir ! The way we percept the situation differs from man to man it may be either in the Good side or a Bad one. so understanding ones perception is way too difficult.

[@ziqai7141]

Thank you , Mr Larry ❤

[@andreaszeto1234]

Thanks for your insights! Simple and profound.

[@bhanusinghal1918]

this was an amazing talk!

[@pritalbamnodkar2620]

I've watched a lot of Ted talks and this one is still my favorite

[@nonamell2009]

Wow, this presentation is priceless. Thank you.

[@pavel8289]

And now I'm confused about myself. What is it that I lack that I'm seeking through this person

[@abhishekgawde]

Revenge is nothing but empathy on deeper level

[@kenbrunet6120]

This concept should be the overall goal of our education system. Half of our learning should be about how to manage our complex mind. The other half can be academic. Both are needed.

[@surjitbhatti1623]

Very good idea!

[@stevenhoog1]

I feel that motivation is simply helping people do what they want to do

[@agoodman1111]

Marshall changed my life too. His teaching is so simple, but by no means easy. Glad to see the basic truth of common human needs are being shared in this talk. It's worth pointing out clearly that few people belief this because needs and strategies are so commonly confused. So too are thoughts and feelings. A good understanding of the language of feelings and needs is sorely missing in this world. For those inspired by this talk, I highly recommend another needs-based approach called 'the Human Givens', brought to the world by Joe Griffin and Ivan Tyrrel. Keep shining the light into every dark corner of the world, and spread the language of peace... :)

[@inzione]

Thank you for putting this in such a relatable way ♥

[@qusaipen102]

"Human behaviour is complex but human motivation is simple"

[@insiyachanniwala6291]

What an amazing talk! On point!💖

[@theethniczone5585]

so good and precise... just loved it. m going more for it

[@GeenaPoldnev]

This is my new fav ted talk

[@SteveZirkelbach]

Great insight into what motivates people.

[@adrianmonk4440]

Larry C. Rosen is an intelligent empathizer (a Mench) seeing both party's side. THEE ORIGINAL TEXTBOOK IS: "You Can Negotiate Anything". A book on negotiation by Herb Cohen that used story-telling to help explain the various concepts and strategies behind the art of negotiation. The 1982 book spent nine months on the New York Times bestseller list.

[@mrunbreakable8120]

Hands down, the most useful TedTalk I've ever seen

[@FernandoTheBeast28]

This talk is changing my life

[@georgerichardson5617]

Thanks for some wonderful insights. It's good to understand that neuroscience / brain science provides important information about the significance of understanding (not condoning) another's actions or opinions.

[@ilistentoChrist]

Me watching this to understand my unpredictable toxic family:

[@physicsgod]

😂😂

[@patriciafeher362]

Omg, this gave goosebumps. Such a touching story.

[@akhileshn9102]

I understand that the behaviour of humans just depends on what they expect or on what they need from the others. one you attain a position of fulfilling their needs the relationship and bonding between them increases. Motivation is that which drives the brain. Human's field of work ,area of intrest,way of life might be different but the single reason that motivates them to work is to reach basic needs of their life.This process of attaining makes changes in the way they respond or behave based on the process they go through while attaining their requirments. so understanding a person might be a bit complex but convincing and making them in favour of you is not that dificult once you start becoming solution for thier problems. so I conclude that human brain is very good at executing things but should be guided and motivated well to reach the peace of life and so the psychology of humans can be understood to a better extent one you start reading their needs than other ascpects of life.

[@seeker2716]

GREAT GREAT STUFF!!!!! THIS WILL BRING PEACE ON EARTH!!!! THANK YOU SO!!!!

[@BATTAGANIPREETIBCL]

This particular video help us to understand the behavior of not just one specific category of a human being but various categories of human beings. The video enables us to understand that the mentality of different people belonging to the different age group differs significantly. Also, according to the speaker, psychology or the human behavior of an individual very much depends on the environmental factor as well. The above video aids us in understanding the reason behind the reactions given by our own people about whom we care a lot, thus, augmenting our patience level towards each other for a better and a healthy living.

[@rohanmathews9402]

Tony P Jose?

[@oracleofdelphi]

So inspiring and informative

[@ravinderbisht190]

Human motivation is simple....thanks

[@mariahcarbonell3742]

This is a very insightful talk. Love it.

[@Uditsinghparihar]

Truly stimulating talk.

[@muskduh]

Thanks for the TEDx Talk

[@THETEMPLEWILDCATS]

I’m so glad I watched this.

[@Anna-emc2]

love this. I also think, "needs" are a lot of compensation and want to make everyzhing "better"

[@shivamchaudhary2994]

Children who have never been in a war and children who have never been in peace are different.They can never be the same.

[@ahmad1ce]

To me he kinda looked like Bon Jovi , I was waiting for him to sing “it’s my life”

[@domifigueroa8794]

Nah, livin on a prayer

[@chloedecker152]

Very good talk

[@hophuoc6660]

The moment when I finished this video. It’s concluded to seeking their common needs and you will understanding how human brain works

[@fernorsol]

One of the best Tedx talks I've ever watched.

[@ala8649]

I absolutely loved this talk but didn’t seem to get it.

[@tonydeifell6104]

great insights about what motivates people!

[@aadarshupadhyay9898]

Amazingly amazing speech

[@YouMeAndLife]

phenomenal...brilliant...

[@mdhameed3839]

brilliant....phenomenal...

[@HabtitOklib]

Wonderful speech!

[@vihangadivyanjana5906]

Wow. This is so much insight

[@alishaelizabeth7149]

One of the most amazing talks I’ve seen.

[@thisandthatmix]

this was great, thank you for sharing with us

[@ladyoflight9452]

Giving receiving love this

[@mustafamohamed3627]

Amazing opened my mind

[@susanschafer1248]

Fantastic talk! This was one of the best Ted talks I've heard and something I want to keep in mind as I relate to the people in my life. I'm not sure I understood the example of the hair crimping teenager though. ( Can anyone enlighten me?)

[@joynequawest2256]

Hi there! The explanation of the crimping teenager was used as a metaphor to show the distinction of ones own perception of truth of self and others. Whereas the teenager asking for "straight hair" is interpreted as you not comprehending because of your personal bias views which therefore creates a lack of empathy and/or miscommunication which in return results in her unmet need to be understood and most importantly loved. I believe Larry was concluding to look deeper into ones true motive or reason for why someone behaves as such and begin to connect with them on a deeper level. Larry believes as well as I that the way you could build a fulfilling connection with another human being is by taking off your rose colored glasses( Perception of self or others which could be based off Social Class, Race or Cultural background ext..) and began to see that human for who they truly are without any self imposing judgements or prejudices. I hope this helps!

[@johnmariano47]

I believe a simple answer is that the teenager though was excited to have the crimper and tried it. Her new looks had the opposite effect of what she wanted such as being liked etc. and wanted to revert to her straight hair of which worked out for her just fine. But of course, one can just ignore and shut their ears with the second request for whichever self-perception or experience the Dad may have - such as with comments "You look fine with crimped hair, do not worry about it etc.." Wherein, the teenager just really wants to be liked as she was before and seems not to be getting it with the crimper. In this case, giving the straightener may be the way to connecting to this teenager in the deeper level or digging deeper into the issue..