The Shame of Adult Virgins and their Identity Crisis

[@HealthyGamerGG]

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[@elysiadawn]

Yeah, but I only want a therapist I feel like I can connect to, and I don't feel like I can with 98% of the population. So just let me know when Dr K has an opening I guess. That's the only thing that originally drew me here. Although these videos have already helped me immensely as even if I can't relate to any of them and they're nothing like my situation or experiences, I can still apply a lot of the principles discussed to my situations. My anger and anxiety went down to zero for now pretty much just by taking one example and switching it around then applying it to what was bothering me. I was doing great right before the pandemic. It just really screwed me up. So I don't even know if I need a therapist right now or anymore, as I'm doing a million times better this week than I was before thanks to this channel. Also, I wouldn't have to see him in person and we wouldn't even have to have scheduled meeting times. I just wanted a therapist that could help me a little that I could talk to through messaging sometimes. Like message back and forth in our free time whenever it suited us. (I don't need a lot of communication. Lol) I would be fine with that. I am used to always managing on my own with everything anyway, even when suicidal.. lol (I haven't been that bad in forever though. I have a nice boyfriend and a bunch of cats now, so am not totally isolated anymore like I was almost my entire life. Even though my boyfriend lives on the other side of the world, it's a lot of companionship for me.. way more than I'm used to.. especially all the cats, so I never feel lonely anymore. Just stressed out and overwhelmed sometimes because it's a lot of cats to constantly clean up after. It's like having a bunch of rebellious toddlers who never grow up and paint on the walls all the time. But now that the burnout isn't as bad as it was and I actually have energy and am not sleeping all the time, it is getting easier to keep up with even their constant messes. I was just really angry because my mother didn't help me when I told her I was not doing good and asked for help and so many people suck and she just made my panic attacks and anxiety a million times worse during the pandemic. And then when I was all messed up after I just wanted her to offer to come over and help me clean and stuff and catch up.. I just needed some practical help and emotional support and then she did the complete opposite and did things to hurt me, but of course that was a silly daydream. Only something normal family members would do, which I have never had. After that I disowned her. Because it was hardly the first time she abandoned me when I needed her most. And now things are getting better. As I have stopped talking to her completely and will never speak to her again. I just feel sad sometimes not having any family I can count on like most people do. It is hard to always deal with everything always all alone. When you talked about the shame people have about living with their parents, it made me giggle. Because they have no clue how much I envy them that they have family they can live with and turn to. I think they are very lucky.)

[@minabotieso6944]

How is this hypothetical person that had no luck with dating in high school and college able to get all these parties and opportunities that you keep talking about?

[@connor9024]

Is there a way to book dr k directly?

[@strongestgamer2501]

Sounds like they should get laid

[@InVinoVeratas]

Would political alignments and current lifestyle trends play a part in the increase in virginity that is plaguing men? When you consider the rants on "toxic masculinity" the constant degradation of males encouraging other males through "tough love", all the while women are also avoiding said virgin males, and outright shaming them in certain spectrums of female empowerment; wouldn't these aspects in society, that people that aren't really associated to said virgin with to begin with, but end up being judged by, be contributions that encourage males to be virgins just to avoid such societal expectations? For example, if I were to go to a bar, I get checked out on, but I have no idea how to react. This leads to my friends I came to the bar with, shaming me for not checking out said female checking me out, I lose interest in even approaching said situations to begin with, this further builds the notions that I have no place in this society, that there is an invisible wall there, that segregates me from feeling like I'm in on the joke (so to say that I'm not feeling left out in general) when it comes to society. This further fuels the internal dialogue that I'm not good enough, I can't relate and I need to improve, somehow, or be comfortable with where I'm at. I'm in the latter, as a virgin male, I feel detached, and I feel alone. There is no-one for me to connect to, as nobody really experiences my life like I do. I don't blame others. I purposely detached and wanted to be alone, for all my life. Blaming others is stupid to do when you learn accountability for your own actions, and to not read into my own actions is the surest sign of ignorance. So If I were to try to build a basic relationship, from the foundation up, at age 30, unable to connect to others, because they speak an entirely different lifestyle language barrier compared to me. Say trying to build said relationship from meeting a person from a party or a bar (but I would never try to build a relationship from a bar, that's an ingredient for a recipe built to fail). How does a virgin at age 30 years or older, connect, at all? I have nothing in common when talking to people, it's like they speak binary, all these topics of modern "memes, shows movies", I don't pay attention to mainstream trends, and I purposely disconnect from said media, yet I feel like it's only helped ostracized me when I want to build a real connection, whether it's friendly or something potentially more. I feel the disconnect in modern times is much greater than I've ever been able to perceive in my life, a life that's largely been spent alone, even as a kid.

[@And-ur6ol]

Being an adult virgin is not hell because you don't have sex. It's hell because you feel excluded from society. You feel like a criminal for a crime you never comitted. You feel like the outsider. And this only gets worse with age.

[@ykonratev]

Bro relax

[@juanfernandocastroreyna478]

Yeah and you feel uncapable and inferior to something you don't even finish to understand why you should that much but its there.

[@pepper0075]

@@ykonratev he has a point, you don't feel like a fully fledged adult while being a virgin

[@maozedong8370]

Not really. I mean I have no friends anyway so it isn't as if anyone knows or cares that I am a virgin.

[@ykonratev]

@@pepper0075it's really not so doom and gloom. This guy is making it sound like hte world is ending cause he didn't stick his weiner into someones hole..like cmon.

[@gamarleton]

"being a virgin doesn't matter" "well you must be a virgin for a reason, there's something wrong with you" - same people.

[@OscarUnrated]

isn't that what the video is about? Fixing what's wrong with you in order to not be a virgin? Technically then the assumption is right

[@gamarleton]

@@OscarUnrated It's a milestone that's important for a lot of people, and most people do want to experience being with someone, and finding love in their life. I didn't think that would be possible to misunderstand.

[@OscarUnrated]

@@gamarleton wdym misunderstand, you didn’t say any of that. The video is about adult virgins who feel shame about their virginity, not people happily waiting for someone they love

[@gamarleton]

@@OscarUnrated do you really think someone who's been alone their entire life and is sad and lonely is "just happily waiting"? you came to a place where people feel alone and decided to be an argumentitive asshole. congratulations, most people you know don't really like you.

[@torchlight1785]

@@OscarUnrated Aren’t there people who aren’t mature that lost their virginity? It’s really not an indication of “people having their life together.”

[@jonesaffrou6014]

"People hate virgins, they used to sacrifice them to the gods" LMAO

[@angrycapsicum6027]

Return to tradition

[@Metallislayer1]

hiroshima nagasaki pilled

[@Begeru]

I think that was considered an honor?

[@Teekayhuey_TK]

@@Begeru Would you like to be sacrificed?

[@kjtiger98]

lets go back we will have value!

[@sigmaboi2946]

It is not about the sex itself. It is more about knowing that you can attract the opposite sex to the point of them being willing to be intimate and have sex with you. This is the reason why having sex with someone who genuinely desires you is a thousand times better than doing it with an escort. The first one is a validation, the second is not.

[@yokiryuchan7655]

I've had sex with escorts and enjoyed it. It depends on the person and their attitude towards sex. Is she pretending? Probably, but I don't care. I still had fun, and left feeling satisfied. She got what she wanted, I got what I wanted. I do understand your point. For men who want that genuine relationship going to an escort would not help at all. But understand not all people think that way. People have different attitudes about sex. For me, sex is just something I like to do on a recreational basis. and just going to an escort is much easier and then trying to find a tinder date, and I hate going to bars and night clubs. I get plenty of satisfaction from sex with escorts. It's not everyone's bag I get it. But I've always thought differently from other people. Also, keep in mind majority of men who frequent escorts, are married. Just because you are in relationship, doesn't guarantee a satisfying sex life. and it certainly doesn't stop men from buying sex.

[@israelcrafts25]

I went to an escort and I didn't enjoy it, I do believe it would be 100 times better if i had sex with a girl who i have known for a while.

[@jakoporeeno4654]

True. Plus, it's not like I want to tell my friends that I've had sex with prostitutes but at the same time I don't like the thought of lying about me having had other partners. So if anyone asks I'll just say I'm a virgin or that it's complicated.

[@yokiryuchan7655]

@@jakoporeeno4654 Unless you are talking to a cop, or a judge and you have a legal obligation to tell the truth, you don't owe anyone an honest answer. Especially when it comes to something very personal like your sex life. You can tell people whatever you want.

[@alexcarter2461]

​@@yokiryuchan7655You and I are not so different. Tinder and apps are a pain in the ass, but yellow pages isn't!

[@AlisSpark]

People who get laid all the time telling virgins that "it doesn't really matter" is the equivalent to rich people telling a poor person that money isn't everything.

[@Kkubey]

Good comparison indeed. As in both cases, there is much more to it. For money, if you have a lot of money you don't have to worry about too much in terms of financial security and can afford to take more breaks and have more enjoyment, but at the end of the day, money in itself won't add much of a value to your life. As for getting laid, it is only something that adds value if you actually do it because you enjoy it or enjoy the person you do it with, or it might be something you don't like at all. And figuring out what you could like about it and breaking free from expectations is the key here.

[@alexbolton9492]

thats such a terrible take lmao. we need money to live. we dont need sex to live

[@patriot9487]

@@alexbolton9492 then how are you here?

[@helena4440]

Both those statements are true unless you want to be miserable

[@calculatedly]

i don’t think so lol

[@spencerokeefe438]

I feel like OP's insecurity is less about not having sex and more about social validation: i.e. the idea that no one wants to have sex with him because he's not good enough, or otherwise undesirable as a person. That feeling is FAR worse than the lack of physical pleasure.

[@federruchi6147]

Yeah thats me. You explained it perfectly (no im not op)

[@Just_B0red]

Yeah, seems like it, otherwise he could just pay for it. But even if he did he would just dig himself deeper into his lack of validation from opposite sex

[@ponternal]

That's all incels. If it was only about sex then porn and escorts would fix everything and incels would not exist.

[@raresmocanu1743]

Yeah I'm in the same boat and I'm pretty sure most people in this situation are in that boat.

[@BlingIsSpring]

This isn’t some new revelation, that’s literally every adult virgin. Most virgins don’t want to have sex purely for pleasure. It’s about being validated by the opposite sex, being in the loving company of a partner.

[@MacyPooh196]

As a female virgin (26) it’s so bad that even my gynecologist kinda pauses when I say I’ve never been sexually active. They will sit there in disbelief and it makes me feel insecure because they’re literally a medical professional. Why are you judging me? And it’s to the point now where if I ever was intimate with a man, I don’t know if I even want to tell them I’m a virgin. I just don’t want to be judged for it anymore.

[@baileyharrison1030]

This always confused me. Men prefer women who've had less sexual partners and there are more stories of men getting mad after finding out their wife/girlfriend wasn't a virgin than the other way round. The shame attached to being a virgin has always been a thing for men, if women criticise you for it they're most likely either jealous or deluded.

[@DJShire_ATL]

You'd think a woman in her 20s who is a virgin would be praised for it. Believe me I think most men would find you more attractive if they knew that about you. When a guy is a virgin he gets treated like a loser.

[@ileutur6863]

@@baileyharrison1030 Nobody is mad that their partner has had some partners in the past, unless they're a puritanical freak. They get mad when they hear about a large number of hookups, or other adventurous behavior that's not present anymore

[@lean4real_11]

just know you arent alone. many of us probably clicked this video for help or comfort, knowing we arent alone and there is a professional here to talk to us about it. we will get there ! at our own pace of course

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

@@baileyharrison1030 I don't think women are criticising her; it was just her gynaecologist who expressed disbelief. Some doctors' "bedside manners" are quite crappy really; I've had a few. Do men prefer virgins these days? I wonder. They may prefer a woman who hasn't had a lot of sexual partners, but that's not the same thing. Some men don't want the responsibility of being the first, others at the other end of the spectrum make a point of having sex with virgins and proclaiming them spoiled and there's everything in between. I don't think it's as straightforward as you think "out in the field".

[@kurosan0079]

Honestly, I don't really care about being a virgin. What I do feel bad about is not having someone to fall in love with. I don't really care much about the sex itself.

[@rsonic510]

I mean, if sex was the issue, there are escorts for that, and incels wouldn't exist.

[@JesseVenturaHat]

When you realize that most if not ALL women are shallow, manipulative, evil, and incapable of empathy then you don't even want a relationship with them

[@MoldyOog]

​@rsonic510 Yeah I've known whores who've offered. I just want love, though.

[@dark_nightwing_xl2797]

@droppeddogswhat are you talking about Jamal?

[@someone-ji2zb]

If you had no desire for sex, then you'd have no motivation to try and find a woman. You can choose to show love to your immediate family if that is all you care about, as love is an action being taken and a choice; it is not something you "fall into" despite was popular culture likes to say (popular culture has an obscene divorce rate).

[@eltiodude3654]

I’ve become numb to the shame but sometimes when I see young couples I think of missing out on relationships

[@nothing-jl2dz]

Same here I'm 25 virgin although it's not entirely involuntarily I used to wanna lose it really badly but then I hit 20 or something and I had some opportunities but I didn't want it anymore even though in my teens I would've done it without hesitating because I was so desperate, I can't say I feel much shame anymore but sometimes I see young people of opposite gender who seem to have a really good bond and feel lonely.. I think the issue is i feel like people will only use me

[@bemanos12345]

@@Dimitris_Half For many people ''''meeting new people''' is not the problem, lack of social skills is. Sure you can meet new people, but then what? Are you likeable enough? Are you physically attractive? Can you flirt? There are many steps to the process.

[@vyllix8546]

@@Dimitris_Half ive seen many people approach others yo get to know them and then stutter and have nothing to talk about, having the courage and will to meet new people doesn't mean you really know how to connect and communicate well

[@eKSe1337]

I feel like my whole understanding of relationships is so off the mark that it makes other peoples relationships seem unreal if you can say that. Trying to image a situation where I would just find a partner and get in to a relationship naturally feels so distant, like a fantasy story. When I was a teen I did all the things a normal teen would do, I partied, played sports etc. but somehow I just missed the whole relationship train and now the tickets to the next one are sold out.

[@honkhonk5181]

As long as people can be themselves everything should fall into place, right? Being yourself is not only useless but actually counterproductive if your culture deems the person you are as unacceptable. You have to be completely fake and appeal to the norms of whatever environment you’re in if you even want a chance at making a friend. Forget about getting a girlfriend.

[@redgreen2453]

The thing that messes with my head is the way people talk about sex like it’s something they just fell into. I feel like the response I get when I tell someone that I’m 25+ and a virgin is usually some form of: “Really? How?” Which makes no sense to me because it’s like, “what do you mean how? You did a thing and I didn’t. How are you the one asking me how?” That’s like asking someone how they _didn’t_ buy a car. Well, they didn’t go to the car store. They didn’t put any money down. Lack of sexual experience is treated as almost subversive. The implications are unnerving. Sex, to me, has always been this insurmountable obstacle. So to hear that for other people it was apparently the path of least resistance… idk, it’s strange

[@Affenzunge]

Oh, I feel that. For me, I'm currently coming up with a whole plan of attack on how to finally tackle this issue. While every woman around me just talks about it like it was almost an accident. Like it just happens.

[@joshs6574]

@@Affenzungeit genuinely does just happen

[@Arkydos]

I also always get the "what!? How?" treatment xD I guess it's because of what Dr. K talked about. All the 'milestones' I missed along the way, like never having dated someone and so on. I try to see those comments as compliments. Like yeah, people should wonder why I never got laid. Trying to view things from a more positive angle and pumping yourself up really helped me having more confidence.

[@pricklycatsss]

If you think other people are the weird ones you are delusional. Nothing wrong with virginity but you're coping hard.

[@midragga]

Gotta say bro but best way to get laid is to increase your sexual marketplace value, look it up. Learn evolutionary psychology

[@slammurai6492]

Nearly 29, still a virgin and still have never been in a real relationship. It's rough especially being a guy and wanting physical intimacy cause people just pawn it off as "A dude being horny" when in reality I just want to hold someone and be held.

[@WhoKnows11111]

100% brother

[@XXXDomtacion]

Same. I’m 19 almost 20 and still a virgin. I’ve been wanting to lose it since I was 13. I’ve made this dumb decision to tell people I’m gonna lose it and as a result the females at my school treated me like sh!t and I was ostracized. The only thing closest to a relationship I had was when I was 15. I had a girlfriend and I’ve only had an experience of her hugging me ONCE, and that was right before she left to go to a different state. Fast forward to when I was 17 almost 18 I was desperate on losing my virginity. Then once I turned 18 I became so sexually frustrated I blatantly asked one of my homegirls if there was anybody I could hook up with. Then I blocked some that flirted with me then randomly stopped. Now at age 19 I don’t care nearly as much as I used to cause I kinda accept it. By the age of 20 I’ll have NO saving grace of saying I at least lost it as a teenager, but at this point I’ll probably get a McLaren LONG before I get a girl. Edit: guys, don’t set your heart on losing your virginity by a specific date. It’ll destroy you. Have some other passions in mind. I decided to create a hobby on fixing cars.

[@ian1697]

THEN GO GET IT! idk your story bro but don’t think intimacy and relationships are just “not for you” no man fuck that don’t think just because it hasn’t happened it can’t happen. it can you just gotta make some changes. i felt like i was cursed cause i was a virgin for so long but it gets a lot easier but you can’t give up. if u want any advice I wouldn’t mind trying to help u

[@OscarLarsen-d6l]

@@XXXDomtacion i lost mine when i was 20 bro, and it was fine. If you want to lose it you need to take action, in bars or clubs or Maybe tinder

[@joelrobert4053]

@@ian1697So what did you do to change your situation?

[@Apocalypse3434]

Sounds like my mom's advice when I was struggling with social anxiety in college. "Just go out and make friends." Gee mom, I never ever ever thought of that...

[@squamish4244]

Yeah, my parents, who met in high school and were married at 22, have been pretty useless in that department as well. Back then I got "It will happen" concerning relationships from my mom, who was the only one who ever even commented on this stuff. Well, it didn't just "happen", who'd have thought. Then she stopped saying anything after I got to be about 25. She even convinced herself that I have been happy being alone for the entire 25 years of my adult life. She let herself believe that because she has seen how much I have struggled with mental health and addiction issues, and the idea that I was also struggling with loneliness was just too much for her to bear. When I finally beat the addiction, she asked what I wanted to do now and I said I wanted to meet someone. She looked at me, at age 44, never having had a relationship, with a blank stare like it was the craziest thing she'd ever heard. Really bizarre reaction, but not surprising to me, either.

[@syra1541]

exactly, and the world is so different now than it was then, the way we communicate and the expectations are so different, they like actually cannot understand

[@doublepinger]

The video almost goes into *here's what's wrong with you* and he starts making elite gamer metaphors. He even just goes "well you're at a party and"... He can't even imagine what it's like to not have even that. I'm struggling to find what the point of the video is when he's like "you already have a good social life, it's just that you're a scared little virgin aren't you uwu" instead of facing the reality that it's actually a problem, having been rejected by society at every turn.

[@AlbertCamus-r6i]

My uncle suggested that I need to "up my game" I am like "Uncle, I work for $9 an hour and (at the time) working towards being a Welder. I have no time to "up my game"".

[@howler9171]

​@@doublepinger I laughed at that too lol. "So you're at this party", yeah you already lost me bro. I have like 3 friends, who I met in high school. The craziest my weekends ever get are when we boot up the good old 360 , split a 30 rack of beer between the 4 of us and play Halo Reach until 5 am for old times sake. And I'm lucky I even have that. They all married their high school girlfriends and had kids, I'm the one in the group who's always been single

[@Spiney09]

You forget to mention that a lot of people who miss milestones like dating in high school miss them because they already have shame and insecurities. They may not just come from the present, not getting laid could just be validating the pre-existing anxiety people already had.

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

Good point. Once you miss those milestones, it's much harder to catch up. The thing is that for introverted, reserved, maybe even autistic teenagers, there's little or no assistance in building and developing social skills. You're just thrown out there and expected to date, without having a clue.

[@LorraineVirginie]

This!!!

[@icansavehiphop]

i missed two years of dating in hs due to covid so i just wasnt in person and when i was back i didnt really put any stock into it

[@Jewel_Screaming_Chango8387]

Strict and overly religious helicopter parents are to blame for this

[@Spiney09]

@@Jewel_Screaming_Chango8387 my parents were neither of those things, it was severe bullying in elementary and middle school actually.

[@hopefulgeneration152]

I'm 27 and a virgin. And to be honest, I don't really care. Not that I'm socially awkward or anything, (at least nowadays) I just never cared. Some people I know think it's interesting that I'm so nonchalant about it. I don't know, I never had shame about it. If it happens, it happens. If not, oh, well. Until then, I'm just enjoying my hobbies and being happy within myself. A bit weird, I know but that's just me.

[@manosijroy8282]

I am a guy who turned 22 just 4 weeks ago and never had a girlfriend before and its kinda bothering me a lot. I use dating apps but rarely get matches by some 18-23 age girls who ends up ghosting or unmatching me for no reason. I do chat with some girls on Instagram whom I knew in high school and they are all 20-22 year olds. I am having a very good chat with a girl who was 2 years my junior in our school days. Now she is 20 and I had the best chat with her for the past 3 days compared to any other girl who lives in my city. But I also like another girl who was my childhood friend when we were in elementary school in 2008-2011. Now she is 21 and only 5-6 months younger than me but we hardly chat much on IG as she doesn't reply to my last message for a week or 2.

[@raphaelnej8387]

@Manisij Roy 19:45 focus on friends first.

[@SS-fy6hk]

i resonate with this. although i never cared about really anything at all either

[@amarevanhook7453]

W

[@handlebar4520]

Huge W comment

[@halfbakedproductions7887]

I know someone who was a virgin at 33. He decided to stop telling people when even _escorts_ shamed and rejected him for it. He messaged a few and either got ignored, or someone said words to the effect of "you're 33 and a virgin at your age come on you can't be" while another told him "but why do you want your first time to be with an escort" and said she might be able to help if he sent her a photo. Umm, no. The triple embarrassment of a) being in that situation to begin with and b) having to share that information with a total stranger just so they know how to handle you and c) being made fun of for it, being rejected by people who literally have sex for a living. It's money for old rope. Imagine being rejected by a plumber because "it's just a leaking toilet mate fix it yourself", or a car mechanic saying "wtf you've been driving for 10 years and don't know how to weld your differential". Easy jobs that would take a competent professional no time at all, and you're being shamed for not knowing how. That whole situation is just tragic on so many levels. He found a few who were happy to help, but got cold feet and said he'd have been embarrassed turning up at their place with them knowing his predicament and probably being judged for it. He eventually found a different provider and just didn't tell them, played the "it's been a while" and "inexperienced" card and thinks he got away with it. Pyrrhic victory when his friends had lost it 'naturally' 10+ years earlier while in their prime. --- But having sex is one of the very few things where you are genuinely shamed for not having done it. Nobody shames you if you've never ridden a horse, or played golf, or visited Australia, or worked in retail. It's just life experiences you've never had. But somehow being sexually active trumps everything else. A big deal is made of Isaac Newton being a virgin, but look at what he achieved on his own. You've cured cancer? Cool, but you've never had sex. Loser.

[@house30house]

escorts regjecting clientes, haha they literally work for money, they dont give a sh+t

[@petarniciforovic6543]

I really like the conclusion. Seems so legit!

[@juannaym8488]

I am sorry but there's no way that an escort would refuse a client on this basis. Like no way in hell. They don't care about who's the client, if you've got the money, they'll give you sex or other escort services

[@soulangela7154]

@@juannaym8488 There are plenty of unprofessional people in every field. I'm not sure why you would think this one any different.

[@alexcarter2461]

My first time was with an escort and she was pistol she was. But intercourse to me is just that, nothing special just a fun pass time.

[@janfg1578]

It never bothered me to see happy couples, but now at 30 its getting weird to see actual parents younger than me. The ticking of the clock gets louder every year.

[@arrow2380]

@@jensebermann4735stop trolling bruh

[@manosijroy8282]

Is 22 late too if I never even dated before? I am a 22 year old guy who never had a girlfriend before and yet to get my first kiss. After 3 rejections recently, I did ask out my childhood friend who is 21 year old now turning 22 soon by messaging her on Instagram and she did reply yeah ok but she isn't that active on the app so she took almost a month to reply to it and now again she hasn't been online for weeks and still yet to reply about when we can meet but I am still waiting. But since 28th May 2023, I have been chatting with another girl on Instagram who used to be in the same school as me but we didn't know each other in school days. Now she is 19 year old and is in 1st year of college and I am in last year of college and we chat daily about pretty much everything and we send each other virtual hugs too and I think I started liking her too but so far it still looks like she just sees me as a friend as the chats doesn't get very flirty yet and we have been chatting for almost a month. We are also in different colleges but her college is very near to my home. I do wanna ask her out but my childhood friend didn't reject me too and I like both of them.

[@victorrosales7565]

fr

[@Ssethtzeentach_enjoyer]

@@manosijroy8282 Honestly, wait until you're married to have sex and to have your first kiss. I'm a virgin, but I wish I had waited until marriage for my first kiss. It's never "too late".

[@BrutalOrc]

@@manosijroy8282 Bro stop deluding yourself. Even if she isn't active she would get notifications on her phone if someone sends her a message. She doesn't care dude, let it go. Also read The Rational Male. Good luck.

[@ark2985]

Every last word of this person posts stings like an arrow. As a 33 year old Virgin myself it's so fucking true. No matter how much you tell yourself that bring a Virgin isn't that big of a deal, its not that easy to get your mind off of it. My insecurities are so sky high that it wakes me up from the middle of sleep. Sometimes my mornings start with a mild panic attack. Even before Dr. K was done reading this question I had tears in my eyes. This state of being is a such a massive toll on our minds who are late in life Virgins.

[@xilw3r]

I feel for you man. It's really not worth having panic attacks over..

[@ark2985]

@@xilw3r they just come... Luckily they're not frequent. I try to keep myself occupied though. But early in the morning or late in the night are the times when I am alone with myself. And thoughts like 'There is only one life." "Soon ill be in my 40s." "My best years have been wasted." etc and many more just rush in the brain. And i just can't' Hold the door' on them.

[@ponternal]

It's over. We can cope with surrogate activities but ultimately your brain and body will tell yourself that you are a failure.

[@ThusSpratchScotty]

Why not go to a brothel ?

[@StoicEver]

What do you think your problem is?

[@CRAZEDBOYX]

I fucking love it. The fact that you've made a space that we (i'm referring to a presumably good chunk of people in the community who share the same sentiments) can talk about these sensitive and vulnerable topics that affect some of us in a very open, thorough, kind, and patient manner is amazing. I've heard people saying you do great work but holy fuck the words I know can't express how great the work you're doing here really is man

[@xd983]

exactly what im thinking, absolutely invaluable to be able to turn on my pc and get access to thought processes and info like this, so so so incredible

[@CRAZEDBOYX]

@@xd983 Same thoughts!!! I can't believe this kind of content is free too! Being able reframe how I might think about something by getting the input of somoene knowledgeable about it (in this case Dr K) is amazing. The community HG's been able to build up as one that can be open about these topics without (i'm assuming hehe) feeling threatened by toxicity or invalidation is great!! Can't say how much I appreciate that latter part enough.

[@YoMamasLlama22]

Awe that’s such a beautiful comment

[@pepegabrain2569]

Gathering of the incels

[@HaHa-gg9dl]

@@pepegabrain2569 these therapists are really milking these stupid beta males lmao

[@Blondiee777]

Im an Independent Escort in the UK. I've been an Escort for the past 11 years. In 2023, I met at least 10 adult virgins which I don't recall ever having met that many in one year. Most of them have been attractive guys in my opinion. They've just had low self esteem issues which I've found sad as they've been fit guys with good jobs and all hard working. A lot of them have become regulars to me now. I feel honored that they chose me to make their first time special and comfortable. But overall I think society is so desperately lacking connection. People are forgetting how to use their social skills to make real life friends and go dating because everything is online.

[@qawsedpo]

Interesting

[@KevinS47]

Well, completely agreed. What you describe seems to be very much my experience too, just lived in first person sadly!

[@bystudz6512]

"Feel honoured" when you are just making a business based of loneliness. You are not better than a weapon manufacturer to me

[@Blondiee777]

@@bystudz6512 How on earth can you compare a Sex Worker to a Weapon Manufacturer? Loneliness and Countries going to War due to religion, politics and ego are poles apart and I don't think I've ever laughed so much at a comment!! 🤣🤣🤣

[@Blondiee777]

@@cubstep1944 Ah thank you this is really lovely! 😁

[@deathby1808]

"Nobody dies a virgin... Life fucks us all." ~ Kurt Cobain

[@30cal23]

and if life doesnt do it the gov't surely will!

[@arebelscum9495]

Pretty sure Genghis Khan did it the other way around.

[@SemekiIzuio]

🤣

[@GarkKahn]

My grandpa always said If you want to lose your virginity then pay your taxes What wise words

[@Zerion]

rape is not sex lol

[@mitthrawnuruodo1730]

Bro for real every time I’ve talked to new people in the past they eventually bring up “am I a virgin” and “why?” I’ve got shit from family, friends, colleagues, co workers, all asking why I’m single and never been with anyone. It’s like being alone to others is the worst thing you can do. And they think it’s sad and pathetic. Luckily I’ve gotten over the social stigma but it was a constant fear for me growing up because it kept being brought up everytime I’ve talked to someone new for the first time…

[@ShazySoft]

Wtf? Who asks whether you're a virgin or not? I don't think anyone has ever asked me that.

[@mitthrawnuruodo1730]

@@ShazySoft a lot of people do. It’s like they had a six sense for smelling virgins or something and I was always asked.

[@topsgaming4266]

I'll just reply: "Why did you ask, got a high quality woman to introduce me?" Often times the people who ask if you're a virgin are insecure about their own relationship, a rare minority do it because they genuinely want you to get laid and are willing to be a wingman / offer adivce

[@ShazySoft]

@@topsgaming4266 >high quality woman Friend, we're not cuts of meat...

[@ShazySoft]

@@mitthrawnuruodo1730 how very strange. At any rate, I'm sorry they do. That can't be a good feeling

[@Jefrejtor]

Please stop overediting these videos. Pauses between speaking are so important -without them, it's a ceaseless torrent of information that's just too dense to process.

[@Nebulous1225]

could not agree more I have adhd and I need calmly spoken doctor k

[@wisecounsel6135]

True, we need to process the information just as he processes it

[@nix2hy]

Yeah, The cuts in this particular video are quite short…

[@iPostMessages]

Why not slow down the video?

[@suides4810]

@@iPostMessages thats not the same

[@WhiteScorpio2]

My stumbling stone is that I don't know what a relationship actually looks like. I was on Tinder and I tried talking to people, but without realizing what my actual goal is it's all extremely pointless. Like, I can ask them out on a date, but why? For what purpose? Likewise with friendship. What would an adult friendship even look like? I don't know. Even if someone approached me, I don't know what they want, so I would step back. I do feel like I'm missing out, but I just don't know what exactly, and if I don't have a clear purpose, how am I to convince myself to spend time and effort on it.

[@Kkubey]

With friendships, it's not quite the "we are friends now" statement that makes them. We also developed online friendships in a way that was impossible before these days. It is basically someone you keep in touch with for some time that you share your thoughts and experiences with. How that looks can be very different depending on the people involved. Some meet up whenever they can and do things together, other just talk and sometimes meet up, others just meet every couple weeks to keep in touch, there are friendships linked to hobbies alone too. You might even have a friend without realizing.

[@elysiadawn]

Don't worry about it. When you meet the right person you will find out. It will just happen a bit outside your control.. And as for talking to people.. just try to have an interesting and stimulating conversation and don't even worry what the purpose of it is.. you may only have a nice conversation, may become friends, or may fall in love.. but online just start with trying to have an interesting conversation that stimulates you both beyond the boring "hi" "hello" "how was your day?" bs.. Just write whatever off the top of your head until you come across someone who likes what you have to say.. haha Maybe practice journaling first. You don't need a purpose but sound like you have one or why would you even be on tinder and writing this and thinking about these things? You sound like you want at least some kind of minor human interaction so just go for iit. Figure out what you want and go find it.

[@Suiseisexy]

You'll be like 30-35 when you realize all human relationships are entirely incidental and the only reason you don't love and hate every single person is you just don't know them. We'll get back to making friends when we get back to living real lives, honestly political upheaval against leftists is probably the way to go since most of the human disconnection is their fault anyway, not to mention their million and one pet projects loaded down with rapists, murders, losers, etc that they're farming mana from to force shit to change in their image. We would all have a lot more friend-and-lover-generating-incidents in their lives if we tore down all the leftist BS that keeps us inside at our computers. It's a dumb culture for dumb scared losers who never have sex, you're it's victim

[@bananian]

I realized that I don't want to be in a relationship. I only wanted one before because like you said, fomo.

[@elysiadawn]

@@bananian I mostly don't care about relationships either. In elementary school I only socialized to avoid getting picked on even more. I wanted to just hang out by myself but didn't because I knew it would make me even more of a target. Like all I mostly ever wanted was a mate and beyond that, I never cared about having tons of friends. So I think for some people it's perfectly normal to not need or want a relationship or much human interaction at all. I have never felt that.. any fear of missing out. I'm lucky that way I guess. If I don't want or need something, I know it. (Myself, I always wanted romantic love though, but that's just me. It's perfectly fine not to. And I found it.) But I never understood the people who want to have tons of friends. I mean sometimes it will happen organically where I'll come across someone on accident who I generally would like some kind of friendship with just because they're such a cool person, but that's pretty rare.

[@Blu939]

I'm a virgin at 27, I stopped mentioning it when I would go out with friends or co workers during convos of that nature. A doctor even seemed surprised and asked if I was religious, I didn't go back to see him again. I also had a traumatic experience with a gynecologist because of it. I don't think she believed me when I told her. I don't talk about it anymore because it seems unsafe and I don't want to be targeted by disingenuous men who are only interested in my virginity. I've never felt shame about being one, I always just thought it would happen when I'm ready but It can feel very isolating in a society that places such an unhealthy focus on sex. Not to mention my self-esteem issues.

[@Amphitera]

you are fine. The modern western society is an oversexualized mess that would be regarded with horror by most if not all older and ancient cultures. Don't let anyone tell you that you're missing out, because you're not.

[@themobilemage2137]

Gynecologists and their nurses can really *project* when it comes to a patient being a virgin, at an older age than expected. I had some get really ugly to me, didn't believe me or saying, what the hell's wrong with you?!? One wonders if they did some sexual things they wished they hadn't done, and so reflexively get hostile when they have a patient who hasn't slept around. I wish they were given trainings on not judging patients and not being a-holes

[@luelee6168]

And you shouldn't feel ashamed because degenerates don't wanna be alone and loose women are no exception, projecting their own shame upon virgins for their own depravity and lack of self-control. As for the men, it's more to do with how soon you sleep with him. If you tell him you want to wait until marriage and he respects it than hes the one. If he says he has to test drive you first than obviously he isn't.

[@ararune3734]

If you think like that being a female virgin, wait until you find out how you're treated as a male. I think it's less acceptable to make fun of r4p1sts than virgin men. If you don't feel ashamed, rest assured you will get plenty of people who will shame you, from women to other men. You can always find a man who will be interested in you, whether you're a virgin or not. But good luck dating women as a virgin, it's like with the job interviews, they want experience, which you couldn't get because to get the experience you need the job.

[@themobilemage2137]

@@ararune3734 "you can always find men who are interested in you, virgin or not" 😂😂😂 Very funny. Women have to be Supermodel beautiful and be of a rich family to have any interest from men at all. Men have ALL the power. Try being a woman who's a virgin past the age of 16 who is not from a rich family, and not gorgeous. You'll be treated like a piece of shit.

[@filipusandikawicaksana6822]

Doctor, thank you for the video. After 22 years of never having even been kissed, I have been saying to my friends for half a year that... I missed milestones. They just... Weren't able to understand just that. I hope this isn't me just self-echo chambering, but I almost cried when you said just that in your video. Missing those milestones have been a large part of my insecurity, and having it not acknowledged makes me feel just wrong as a human being. Thank you for letting me know the playing fields are real and thank you for giving me ways to improve upon it.

[@lolidangelmeier]

Wishing you the best on your journey brother

[@GSainto]

I'm in the same boat brother. My friends also couldn't understand that I just didn't "hit milestones" for a long while. They weren't really toxic about it, it just took them a while to really get it. I feel better about being a virgin mostly to talking about it with my close friends earlier(around age 16) than most would want to.

[@riaaulia8323]

Tunggu sampe nikah ae bang

[@Kaiji...]

They're only milestones in your own mind, they don't exist. Accept that and move on.

[@carrot708]

I'm 29, never been on a date, never kissed a girl, and yeah, for most of my 20's it really felt like my teenage years never ended because there were just no milestones or moments of transition at all. And other people just don't get what you mean when you say you don't feel like an adult yet at 26

[@josephiroth89]

I just turned 33, and I'm still a virgin. Sex has just never been an important thing to me, and I'm not going to have sex with someone I'm not in love with. I've only been in one (what I would call) meaningful relationship, and I'd rather have something else on that level than just being with some random person just to have a good time. My priority isn't to get laid, it's to find someone I connect with on a deeper level.

[@noitrajoricha2472]

Same here man , your not alone .

[@RedPintura]

I really like that

[@RizZRizZ-]

Nice cope

[@raphaelnej8387]

I love how the very fact that we take our parents as models makes a massive survivor bias about at what age to get married or to have children. I have never thought about it. I mind blowed when I used my parents as reference to judge if being 33 yo unmarried is fine or not.

[@HeroKeepOnMarchingOn]

@@RizZRizZ- it's not a cope! You're just jealous deep down, why you even here?

[@wurst1284]

Years ago I told a therapist that I had a problem with being a virgin and she told me I'm not the only one. I was like duh of course I'm not but how is being in a group with other virgins gonna make ME feel better, exactly? At best we'd still suffer and at worst, we'd resent each others successes because it highlights our own lack. It's really hard to be happy about someone else making it to shore when you feel you're drowning. Seeing that whole incel situation nowadays, I'd say stay the hell away from those kinds of "self help" groups that have a vested interest in keeping you down. You're far better off being surrounded by people who don't share your problem so you don't ferment in it.

[@Idontknowwhich]

Dude thats hilarious. LMFAO ! you made my day :3

[@newlife4830]

you can just lost virgin status, one day it can happen, just be positive

[@Jordan-kq3qw]

Virgins forming a group around how they haven't had sex yet, I see a solution.

[@DMHR100]

Never go with female therapists, they’re completely out of touch with male subjects.

[@Mirkk47]

Those who have all are going to get everything. Those who don't have anything will have everything taken away from them. This is called the Matthew priciple. It means people will follow the most succesful people and give them all the opportinity. Which is true for sex too. 1-2% of men get 99% swipes on dating sites. While women see 80% of men as being "below average" in terms of looks and therefore not attractive. There are studies suggesting 1/3 of men are having no sex. The number of men having no sex and men being virgings is steadily rising. In conclusion, few men share all of the women. While most men have no opportunities. What does it mean for you? Well, if you have no opportunities it means you can get some opportunities but it will be incredibly hard for you. You could grind and depending on your health/looks/height become part of the top % of men. But you would have to dedicate yourself and sacrife any other goals you might have for it. Or you can focus on yourself and your own goals in life. But yeah, feeling resentful of other man or of women is not good. It isn't going to make your life better. It isn't going to make anyone's life better. If you're resentful that might mean one of 2 things. Either someone is doing some wrong to you. Or you're oversensitive and fragile and you need to toughen tf up. If you want to feel better, do something being worth feeling better about. What are your goals in life, what are you doing to improve it. Why should a woman be part of your life why should anyone care about you? Do you have something going on for yourself? Because if not then why should you feel entitled to anyone giving a damn about you, why should you feel resentful towards people with success who have something going on for them? If you know you lack something, what is it? Can you improve it? What are you doing to improve it? Why spend time being resentful and not fixing your issues? If you see people drowning and you see yourself drowning and you see people making it to the shore then what? Are you going to be mad? Smart men learn from their mistakes, wise people learn from the mistakes and success of others. So what makes you different from those who made it? And what is common denominator of you and the others who cannot make it? I agree, don't be a part of a toxic group. But also, you are the one who makes or breaks a group. There are a thousand ways to go about an issue. And this isn't just an issue this is like 500 little issues that make up for the overal isssue. It's good to talk about these things but it's essencial to be mindful of yourself and your own attitude. It's essecial set your goals clear. Because if you want to ferment in it you abosultely will and no one has the power to set you free. But yourself. Just a reminder, fermenting in your own issues is the path into hell not only for yourself but you tend to drag other people in there with you. And hell has no bottom you can always dig yourself a deeper hole.

[@slamnom2646]

A thing that helped me to "level up" my social skills in college was bartending putting myself in a situation where my income was based on how much people liked me forced me to adapt. For all the other awkward engineers out there I would recommend.

[@johnkramer8091]

Social skills won't help if you're ugly, like me.

[@buckmg]

@@johnkramer8091 That sounds like loser talk.

[@JasonX909]

Agreed. For me it was retail, helping customers. I even had a few decent conversations with female ones. The stigma of "I'm working" does actually help to take the edge off, and I'd argue that works no matter how you look.

[@ararune3734]

Your income depends on what you look like, quit horsing around. That's why they primarily hire female waitresses, and usually good looking ones. I used to work at a hotel reception. Social skills don't get you laid. I met people from all over the world, don't have a problem talking to women. Didn't do much for me. Can't make up for the badly dealt cards.

[@somerandompersonidk2272]

@@johnkramer8091 dude if ethan ralph can get laid so can u

[@Stanfield3future]

I guess my struggle is that, for the most part, I HAVE overcome the shame... For the most part. I feel good about my looks, my career, my ability to make people laugh, and I have made GREAT strives in these past few years in terms of self-improvement. However, every now and then, something triggers me, and I'm reminded of missing this milestone, I'm reminded that my peers are lightyears ahead of me, in this specific aspect of life. 70-80% of the time I'm good and happy, but then I'll see a couple in public, or I'll hear friends talking about their sexcapades, and then BAM! All my well-established confidence is lost.

[@Mirkk47]

Personally, not everything that glitters is gold. I'm glad I'm a virgin and not an STD ridden sex maniac who cannot see people as anything but a source of instant gratification. I mean, your friends are probably neighter but don't they have their own issues? I say, don't wish to have somebody else's issues until you've dealth with your own ones.

[@Stanfield3future]

@@Mirkk47 You're talking facts! Funnily, enough, you're point on STDs is my go-to comeback or joke whenever I feel pressed on the topic. Lol Yeah, like I said, I'm usually in a good mental space, most of the time, regarding this issue. I've forgiven myself for missing some opportunities, and I'm being more patient with the process. It's taking some time, but I might even be close to passing this milestone (Wish me luck)! I found that I'm far along in this course of action that Dr. K has laid out here. I have no issues telling a girl I find them cute, or asking for a number exchange; that's what I meant when I had said, I've dealt with the shame, for the most part. It no longer burdens me to the point where I feel like I'll never be able to function romantically or sexually. In fact, I feel like BECAUSE I've spent so much more time with myself, I have a deep understanding, appreciation, and love for who I am, and with that I feel like I can know what I need. There are some people in my friend group who find physical love easy to obtain, but they have confided in me that they feel they're missing that internal love. They have yet to conquer or acknowledge their own demons. I have my rough days, but I genuinely love myself. It's just that tiny, green, envious voice at the back of head that pesters me, every now and then. With all that being said, I'm happy where I'm at! 🧡🧡🧡

[@rightcliquegod7653]

@@Mirkk47 You are coping my friend, I am not saying those things are not true, but you are escaping. By focusing on the negatives of sex you put a band aid on your issues regarding that topic which limits your growth as an individual.

[@Mirkk47]

@@Stanfield3future I wish you luck. As in not to "score". That's the easy. As your friends suggest, keeping someone in your life is the hard part. The day to day communication to find time to spend with each other in person atleast 2ce a week. To balance your both lives. Yeah that's hard to learn for extroverts with great parents much worse for you me and anyone who wasn't that lucky. But it isn't impossible. Think of it as the road being longer, it takes more steps. And what's the outcome? Personally I don't think sex is the end goal. Like, you have sex and then what? Perhaps it's better to have goal something like "be a better person". As in be more productive for yourself and for the people around you. Become the becacon you wish someone was for you. Atleast if you'll have kids then be a damn good parent don't let them suffer don't repeat the sins of your father.

[@Mirkk47]

@@rightcliquegod7653 Not having sex limits my growth as an individual? I'm interested in how you came to that conclusion. What's the logic behind that, care to elaborate?

[@KrausHaus0]

Was at a party once where two girls were “quietly” discussing me, one of them was interested and the other brought up me being a virgin. There was instant disinterest that just left me feeling sad the rest of the night. Both girls are friends of mine so no hard feelings it was just massively disheartening

[@nightfires2k12]

Someone who loses interest in you because you're a virgin but also claims to be a friend, isn't a friend.

[@comealsolito804]

@@nightfires2k12 Or maybe she's a friend but she lost interest in having sex with him. It's brutal and unfortunate but 90+% of women want someone with a certain experience.

[@howler9171]

Women won't admit it, but they like fighting over guys. They're very strongly attracted to men who other women are also attracted to. Stealing another girl's man is considered a huge victory to them. The more girls he has chasing after him, the more he's seen as a prize catch. So when they find out a guy gets no women whatsoever, they all collectively lose interest because there's no competition. They think "well if no one else wanted him then why would I want him". Happens very often

[@techdiyer5290]

I think its a more prominent thing in the western society though, because its a cleanliness thing for multiple cultures.@@comealsolito804

[@fujithegreat6069]

Why in the world would you tell women your personal information? You don't tell that to women.

[@lennartgro]

The worst part is not the physical pleasure. Worse is never ever to have felt love like cuddling, having romantic evenings etc. Worse is just seing 2 much younger people being in love publicly (for example making out), you should be happy for them but they just remind you of what you have missed out in all those years. Worse is, being confronted with people you find attractive for a whole day (for example at a party), knowing you would not get in touch with them. Worse is that after such situations, you just stop believing in your own mantra, that some day you will find somebody for you, so you either soak yourself in hatred of society or self-hatred (because you do not have a right that some person loves you in a romantic way and it is your fault that no one ever had). The topic sexuality has never ever been so open to the public, just look at the progress of acceptance of LGBT-people, and yet I still find it difficult, talking about this very topic.

[@jackintheblock]

so true

[@giuliab8484]

I really relate to your comment. To be honest, I don't care about the sex, I just want to be intimate (emotionally but also physically) with someone I love

[@piotrgraniszewski8544]

@@giuliab8484: it's the best thing ever. It's as if your heart melted inside from all the cuteness.

[@giuliab8484]

@@piotrgraniszewski8544 I can't wait to experience it some day!

[@piotrgraniszewski8544]

@@giuliab8484 When you do, it will feel like being inside a romantic Hollywood movie! I am cheering for you!

[@childlessdoggentleman746]

As I am just shy of 55 years and still a virgin (2 dates), I think I have seniority on this list. The virgin status is a compilation of factors. The missed milestones is a big one. I have moved 38 times in my life and except the last move those were before I turned 40. I went to 16 schools (4 high schools) growing up. When everyone else was learning socialization skills, I was trying to figure what the names of the people around me were, again and again and you get the picture. I've always been the literal outsider. Plus, building attachments was dangerous, since you knew another move would be just around the corner. Another issue is masculine vs. feminine personality. In college (two bachelor's degrees), in developmental psychology class, we took a test to determine whether you were masculine, feminine or androgenous. Come to find out, there is a fourth category which I squarely landed in, undifferentiated aka neuter. Androgenous means you scored high on both sides of the spectrum (think Prince.) Undifferentiated, you score low on both sides of the scale (Saturday Night Live character Pat). In fact, the only trait that I scored high on was independence which is masculine. This is not surprising as I've been alone my entire life. You can throw in other factors like I'm a non-drinking agnostic. Where do I hang out? I am a loser in bars, and churches are liable to tie me to a stake. Honestly most of my life this virgin status was horrible. My saving grace was at 40 I finally just accepted that I was meant to be alone. I'm no longer angry at the world for this status and most of the time I'm good with it. I've made a visit to incel websites, and they are just scary. I never want to be as misogynistic society hating and self-pitying as these people are. My depression is now mostly from medical reasons (ileostomy, talk about an additional dating burden). I have 2 dogs who are my companions. I still have moments of serious regret which are more about no relationships than the no sex aspect, but I use the Serenity Prayer to get me by in those times.

[@manosijroy8282]

Damn man really at 55? I am a 22 year old guy who never had a girlfriend before. I got rejected by 4 girls recently and recently I asked out my childhood friend too who is 21 turning 22 soon and she actually replied yeah ok but she isn't that active on Instagram so she gives replies after weeks or even a month. We decided tho we will meet some weekend but still idk when exactly due to her being so inactive on insta. I got crush on 3 more girls for the past 3 days in a class where I started going for exam preparation for getting into MBA as I am graduating college very soon but I just have a massive crush on one of them who is also 22 or maybe 23. She initiated convo with me saying hi and telling her name and asking mine last week Thursday(our first class there) and we did shake hand and it was the first time I shake hand with a girl. I really can't stop thinking about this girl as she is very pretty and she is very sweet as she tries to initiate convo with me asking whether I had lunch and today she also asked how far my home is from the classes but I just answer what she asks and I am too shy to initiate a convo further with her but I really wanna get to know her and idk whether it would be fine to message her on Whatsapp by seeing her number from our class whatsapp group. I also have been chatting with another girl who is 19 year old on Instagram for over a month. We both used to be in the same school but didn't know each other in school and now we are in different colleges but her college is very near to my home. We share about everything and send each other virtual hugs too. I wanna ask her out too but I am scared due to my previous rejections and she still seems to see me as a friend. Now I am confused too as I like this 19 year old girl, my childhood friend and also this new 22/23 year old on whom I newly got crush.

[@joejohn2754]

The serenity prayer is a good one.

[@cade8986]

An agnostic reading the serenity prayer. I’m an atheist, and still love that prayer. Sounds more like I’m talking to myself and reminding myself of the things I can’t control.

[@house30house]

is prostitution illegal in your country or what?

[@amandakate175]

I'm not at all the target audience for Dr. K's videos, but I'm finding them really interesting (especially since I have a son who seems to have a lot of social anxiety at an early age) and your comment stuck out to me - simply because I'm sure your experience of being a loner has been tough, but you seem to have retained so much kindness and still find fulfillment in other places, which is admirable. So just a comment to wish you well and that I hope you continue to find your happiness!

[@bun5118]

The social stigma that being alone = bad is something that needs to stop. I’ve had to experience this for a big portion of my life. For me, I’ve always felt like I wasn’t mature enough or in a good place for a relationship. Which I’m fine with! I’m trying to work on myself and discover who I am before I share that with someone. I also think it’s super toxic to have your self worth tied to whether or not you’re in a relationship or even worse, being afraid to be alone. For example, my best friend is in an extremely toxic relationship (girl gives him awful ultimatums every day and sleeps around and verbally abuses him). He got out of that relationship and two months later goes back to her because he hates being alone. I would take being alone any day than having to go through that.

[@Clauudz]

This so much. I'm 26, still a virgin and never been in a relationship. As a teenager I felt really bad and insecure about this as if there was something wrong with me. Now as an adult I feel much more comfortable about it, but sometimes someone just feels the need to go out of their way and make you feel bad again with a brief comment such as "You're a sweet person, so how come you never had a relationship?" Also sorry to hear about your friend. :( That's a tough situation and unfortunately there is only so much you can do to help.

[@lorzon]

The social stigma stems from the fact that humans are social animals. A solitary human in the forest or on the veldt has death following them and is thus a danger to both kin and village.

[@jrconway3]

@@lorzon "It is not good for man to be alone" Whether talking from a religious or evolutionary standpoint, humans were not meant to be alone.

[@lorzon]

@@jrconway3 Anthropologically, you are right. A solitary human is a dead human. But forming social bonds with kith and kin to guard against an unsafe and uncaring world is a far cry from fornicating with random people you barely know. Those bonds are sacred and not to be entered into lightly "because it's fun". I am not a good case study for this. I am alone as much out of choice as circumstance. I am 44 and do not participate is society other than the minimum requirements for my obligations to work and family. I don't go out, even when invited. In fact the thought of it frightens me terribly. My conversations usually consist of rote truisms and shallow deflections. I've always been like this, as long as I can remember. I've always felt always been better for everyone else if I stay in my space and keep to myself. I don't miss being social, because I've never been social, at since I was a child. There was no one, when I was younger, to recognize how utterly useless I am socially. To think that I might not be normal. Certainly not my parents, God bless them, they had all they could do to get my brother and sister brought up and even my brother is still single at 42. But my sister is married with kids, so that's good enough I guess. I too old, too stubborn and far too lost to change my ways though. So I'll just trundle along.

[@StochasticUniverse]

In fairness, I don't think the stigma actually IS that being alone = bad. I think it's that, "Not having your needs met is bad." Like if someone were anorexic and weighed 90 pounds, that's objectively bad because their bodies have needs that aren't being met. Their hair and teeth and going to start falling out. It just isn't healthy. Sexual needs are ABSOLUTELY needs that people have, too, just as much and at least as strong, if not stronger, than most other forms of psychological need. So if someone has sexual needs that aren't met, it's bad. Anyone that has ever experienced sexual frustrtaion knows that it's unpleasant, just like anyone that has ever had a papercut knows that it's unpleasant. Are you going to die from the papercut? No. Are you going to die from not having sex? No. But they both suck in their own way, and not having to deal with their unpleasantness would be preferable for most people. Now, some people may have different levels of sexual needs. Some may have little to no needs in that regard, and more power to them. But one's needs are what they are, and anyone that has unmet needs is not optimally healthy. The question isn't, therefore, "Are you having sex?" Instead, it's, "Are your sexual needs being met?" It's possible to be sexless but still not have any unmet needs if you don't have any sexual needs in the first place, but to tbe clear, this is not typical of most adult humans.

[@Aywusgod]

I'm a male virgin at 27. No real shame about it. I was bullied in school, left insecure and basically never even tried until I was around 20 and I'd had a glow up. I've been on several dates with girls I thought were beautiful, tried twice to have sex but fluked in bed both times because my dear old childhood trauma decided to intervene. They understood so never really was too ashamed. Basically now I'm just waiting to meet someone I feel really secure with before I do it.

[@Aywusgod]

@Jon Smith wow you must have superpowers

[@Aladius]

The more you know The other person The easier It gets. But in This case... I believe you Should know yourself more before going after someone Else. Only after you Learn who you ARE, you can Get to know other people. You got This Bro!

[@Aywusgod]

@@Aladius Thanks bro you're right, I have an awesome gf now so it all turned out well in the end

[@Aladius]

@@Aywusgod I'm proud of you. Please, don't stop improving day after day. Remember, pressure IS to mold you into something stronger, not to break you. Do not give UP, I believe in you!

[@Ingisen]

Glad to hear you faced your problems head on and moved forward. I'm turning 30 soon and I'm a Virgin. Not sure if this bothers me anymore, or I'm just delusional. Don't suppose ya got any thoughts and/or advice for this soon-to-be wizard?

[@SpookySkeleton738]

Another problem with blackpill communities especially (and I know because I spent a lot of time in those places) is that there's a sort of negative survivorship bias, the same exists in any community about depression or whatever. All the people who try therapy and whatever and it works end up leaving the community, usually unceremoniously, but the ones that remain are the ones it didn't work for, hence 100% of the people you talk to end up saying none of that stuff works.

[@DMHR100]

Tell you, it’s easier to get off of depression than from inceldom

[@Mirkk47]

Well, yeah. That could be a big part of it. That's why you shouldn't follow any one group of ideology. But maybe it's still worth listening and forming your own thoughts and opinions. I mean, they aren't wrong. A lot of stuff doesn't work. Life is hard, it's no breeze. It's good to be aware of the issues it's good to see the hard parts and the negative. Nobody is going to solve your problems fo you. But going into too big extremes isn't good. You still need to have goals and believe you could make it to those. If you don't have those and you could only thing in negative terms and that's a way down misery. And hell has no bottom.

[@Mirkk47]

@@DMHR100 That's like saying it's esier to get off Mars than off Pluto. Like yeah, Pluto has lower gravity but also you're stuck without a vehicle to escape. What makes you believe one is easier than the other? Or even that one isn't linked with the other?

[@DMHR100]

@@Mirkk47 depression comes from internal factors but it can be somewhat solved. Ugliness (too much) cannot be naturally solved.

[@Mirkk47]

@@DMHR100 Have you tried a paper bag? Sorry that's a stupid joke but really. There are many factors to life. Yes, attractive people have an easier life more opportunities but there are some ugly mofos that have it all. I would say more important than your face is your personality. And I don't mean it in a cliche way. I mean conscious intelligent people tend to be the successful ones. They tend to be the hard working hyper efficient ones which utilise most of their opportunities and as the result get most reputation most clout most opportunities back. As long as depression goes that's a hard deep topic.

[@captainngoose]

Society is heavily s*x obsessed and as a repulsed asexual, it never made sense to me. I feel no shame because there's realistically no reason to. Everyone is different and not everyone is interested in that stuff, and thats okay. I did get made fun of at school for it, but it didn't hurt me specifically. A LOT of issues could be tied to societal pressures, honestly. Which is sad.

[@tiredgremlin6315]

Also ace here and i 100% agree. There is a big pressure to do something that 90% of the rest of the world seems to be obsessed over and if you don't, you're broken and sub-human. It shouldn't be that way. I just want to live my life being me.

[@tiredgremlin6315]

@@KitannaColumbine Whats interesting about the first point is that people used to say that about people attracted to the same sex as well. That a relationship like that can't produce children so it can't be real. But we've come a long way since then and I hardly hear people say that about same sex relationships anymore so why the fuck are people using that silly excuse to be discriminatory against asexuals and aromantics today??

[@ilikeflamingos69]

@@KitannaColumbine i hope you don’t consider urself apart of the lgbt

[@aaunyea4799]

As a 25F pan repulsed ace, and loveless aro, I've never seen the appeal of romance or sex. The pan part comes from if those attractions magically happen, i have no preference for gender. Just me falling for them would be a miracle. The people who find out make a big deal of it, but for me, my virginity or dating status never crosses my mind until someone else brings it up. It just doesn't matter, and it's weird society has made it a thing to be insecure about

[@JeSt4m]

You don't get attracted to sex.. you're attracted to a person I literally have no interest in romance and sex until I met my first GF and rather than hooking up I'm more interested in our night long conversation. Suddenly one day I actually think I want to do her and make a family with her. We ended up having a break up but it's a good no drama break up. Still she's the one who took out the log out of my eye and actually broke the dam for me even tho I never have sex with her in the end. Maybe people preconception of sex (and love) is just extremely distorted by the media we consume which led them to have the wrong idea of what they think they want and need vs what they actually want and need. What you actually want doesn't exist in one night stand, you won't find the "drive" so to say if all your motivation is just to fuck someone daughter. When you met the right person something inside you will just be awake and push you.. like dam of emotion in your chest about to burst. I'm also a late bloomer btw I only have sex at my 30's, 6+ year after I broke up with my first gf.

[@beldonar]

It's the lack of intimacy that's really stings for me, rather than the physical aspect. My virginity feels like it represents my inability to connect meaningfully enough for people to find me attractive. It represents being alone. I think I'll just end it if I'm still like this when I turn 30-35, I don't think a lonely life is really worth living

[@Phylloscopustrochiloides]

Are you also unable to connect meaningfully with other men friends?

[@beldonar]

@@Phylloscopustrochiloides I mean sure well enough but that kind of connection isn't the same as one with an SO

[@BouLeiZRaWR]

@@beldonar it ain't gay to kiss the homie goodnight

[@Phylloscopustrochiloides]

@@beldonar okay, I am glad you at least seem to have a good friend group, I think many people here do not even have that. I hope they are able to alleviate some of that loneliness.

[@mightyquinn38]

@@Phylloscopustrochiloides well when people in your friend groups have girlfriends and have sex regularly, it can make you feel even more lonely because it's like if my friends can do it, why can't I? what makes them better than me? I don't understand why I have to be the one in this situation.

[@114MrCool]

It gets to the point where clearly there is something I’m not seeing that is wrong with me so whenever anyone asks “how have you never had a girlfriend?!” My go to answer is “well you’ve met me.”

[@hellscream46]

“well you’ve met me.” what does this mean?..

[@lordmasterdr2740]

@@hellscream46 He's insulting himself; saying because the other person has talked to him that they now know why a potential significant other would dislike him. I've done the same and I am also in the same position. However, Dr. K's on to something here. All we need is a little courage to fail and then we will succeed. I'm not giving up and neither should you @114MrCool

[@PanHanos]

I think they're just trying to encourage you and remind you that you're a great catch. Obviously they can't carry your confidence on your behalf, but I think you should make an effort to accept that positive feedback. As Dr k mentioned, humans cling onto negative information more by nature, but it doesn't need to be the case. Personally when I ask that, it's genuine and so I'd like to believe others mean that compliment as well, so I guess I'd say others are seeing sth GOOD in you, not sth wrong with you.

[@bimajuantara]

Lmao same. Everytime people told me that I'm somewhat attractive I always replied with "Are you blind? you should probably get your eyes checked out" instinctively. I feel you man.

[@dper727]

@@PanHanos no, i've seen a lot of malicious people ask that question. people who ask those questions should be shut down immediately. op, you have to stand up for yourself and learn to tell them off. it's usually not coming from a place of love, they are usually just trying to make fun of you. Don't betray yourself nor insult yourself, if it's a girl ask her why she is asking that question, it will usually put the spotlight on her and don't let her bring it back to you. if it's a guy you can almost be certain he is making fun of you unless you are really close.

[@shawntco]

"Sometimes, we are virgins." Being one of the people this video is for, it's an often painful topic for me. Even so, I couldn't help but laugh at that start off.

[@hodysensei3438]

Conclusion: most people give advice not to help but to feel good about themselves for helping. 🚨

[@KindSJT]

That's the impression I get from this doctor. Talks so fast also. I didn't really hear anything helpful in this video.

[@Calembunial]

I'm in this weird place where I'm a virgin in my 30s, I feel like if I actually went out and tried losing it, I would probably be able to (based on several past experiences). And yet, the prospect of actually going out and finding something to have sex with just feels so pointless to me. Like yeah, I'd be able to, but at what cost? After how many rejections? And all for what - one-time sex? I'd have to put myself out there, likely multiple times over multiple weeks, to places I've always loathed being in, just for a POSSIBILITY? No thanks. I literally have better things to do. I'm much more interested in an actual relationship than I am in actual sex. But at this point, every single girl I'm ever interested in is either already taken, or pretty much out of my league (trust me, I can tell - I'm far from what they want). So I've pretty much given up. I don't really feel any "shame" about it, despite not being completely honest whenever someone asks me why I'm not dating anyone.

[@Stay_in_your_lane_F00L]

Please tell me how in the hell you worded this exactly how I would have💯😂🤣🤣👍

[@burgersuperking]

You have a very dysfunctional mindset, and you are probably watching way too much porn. When I stopped watching much porn, and stopped caring about the outcome, somehow this whole pursuit became very interesting journey, and I started to enjoy the process, despite negative outcomes

[@inertjohnjunk]

28 years old here, and I feel literally exactly like this. 100%. What am I struggling for? Part of me would actually feel better knowing the exact odds of it, no matter how low those are, even if they're like 0.00001% or even 0%. I'd stop worrying about it. But the fact that I don't know means I don't know whether I should be trying or not, which means no matter what I do I feel like I'm wasting time and effort in one way or the other.

[@dingus6076]

You date people to see if there’s a connection, to see if it’s possible that you two enjoy being together and that there’s something there. Those people who you think are out of your league, might turn into a good date, which might turn into multiple and maybe there will be a connection there.

[@CBfrmcardiff]

Try to make friends with women, then ask those women for dating advice. If nothing else, they'll point you to an app. If you're lucky enough to not be utterly repulsive, you'll be able to find romantic options. If you can get your life in order, you'll be a boon to someone else's life. The trouble will be whether you like those romantic options.

[@sangheili333]

I'm a 32 yo virgin, never realized this fully until a few years ago, but due to some childhood trauma and neglect from my mother my brain saw females as a threat by default since I was about the age you start to notice women, so I just went through my educational career just completely avoiding women. At this point I've just written it off as something that won't happen, it is possible to fix but the giant mountain I'd have to climb to manage the trauma, learn how to flirt, date, make a dating profile, putting myself out there, learning all the do's and don'ts I should've learned 15 years ago is just too big. It's true what they say, the only guarantee there is in life is death, I'm not the first or last to go out a virgin. It doesn't even bother me that much until someone brings it up, which is rare, then I'll feel a little bit of shame but I'm over it an hour later and forget about it.

[@kitcat2449]

Childhood trauma is rough to overcome. I definitely get you. Luckily there are a lot of other things to enjoy apart from sex. Of course if it starts bothering you more and you're able to get therapy I highly suggest it, not only for the relationship/sex issues but your trauma in whole.

[@gundamzaku]

Ì am on same boat, feel your pain. I found the death some comfort the have on my mind.

[@kokorochacarero8003]

I don't mean to invalidate your very valid and personal concerns but trust me, you're not missing out on much. You are not missing a piece nor are inferior to others in any way I also spent my teenage years avoiding women for reasons related to childhood trauma related to my mother who suffers from a mental dissorder among other things, but when I finally had my first couple of experiences and partners I didn't feel like I unlocked anything incredible or life changing. I hope I can give you some sort of relief or confort by sharing this with you. Ultimately my experience is that the main appeal of sex is not the physical pleassure but rather the fun and kinda playful nature of doing something intimate with your partner. It's like a game. I think that you shouldn't make it a goal to have sex, but rather treat it as an added benefit to being in a relationship with a person that you care about and that cares about you. I wasn't looking to have sex when I stumbled uppon my first relationship, it just kinda happened because I was spending time together with another person and we kinda vibed and eventually ended up dating. IMO dating websites and apps kinda "gamify" relationships and subconciously make it a speedrun to have sex and that can cause you to beat yourself over too much and be really toxic towards yourself

[@olive4896]

"saw females as a threat by default" I can relate to this for another reason and that's why it took me a long time to lose my virginity. Women made me uncomfortable, being around them gave me dysphoria and made me question my body. I've changed my life a lot, which was really hard, now i can have a 'normal' sex life. so a bit different to what you are going through but the end result was the same, fear of women. I hope you can overcome what you are going through have been through and you can have sex, if that's even what you want to do because for some people it's not.

[@honkhonk5181]

Sadly, the reasons to fear women are far greater than just some trauma your mom gave you. Though I’m sure what she did was disgusting and inexcusable. Women can ruin your life with a lie if they want to, that’s not even counting the horrors of divorce. If you’re accused of sxual asslt, you immediately get sent to jail without any evidence and stay there until trial unless someone you know has the money for bail. Unless you can prove yourself innocent, you’re doing time. Then there’s other penalties like losing your career, getting expelled, humiliated and ruined on social media and so on. A girl can very easily get you kicked out of any establishment by simply claiming you made her uncomfortable, bonus points if multiple gang up on you. Many females have started recording socially awkward (ugly) men when they approach them and attempt to strike up a conversation so they can belittle and cyber bully him online with other females and white knights until they get bored. It gets worse. In certain parts of the UK, Australia, and India you can be arrested for nothing more than LOOKING at a girl if she doesn’t find you attractive. If this happens in London, a sex crime charge will then be attached to your ID and passport. Don’t fool yourself by thinking similar measures won’t be installed in the west very soon, assuming there isn’t already in certain parts. Then, these very same gynocentric societies wonder why young men are giving up on dating in record breaking numbers. Gee wiz, I don’t know. It might be because it’s dangerous to practice fire spinning while you’re covered in gasoline.

[@mthalter]

"People hate virgins. They always hated vigins. *They used to sacrifice them to the gods!*" I have never felt so represented by this statement. I too am wary of people because of the possibility of them sacrificing me to the gods.

[@D-generon]

People sacrificed virgins to gods, because they thought that virgins are pure, compared to those, who've already been in "disgusting" and "filthy" battle of genitals.

[@Tupadre97]

that shit was a bar fr

[@mima5205]

They we're sacrified because they we're precious, Like in the Bibel .. WHO should Abraham sacrify?!? 😜

[@Amphitera]

I wonder if that is why people get mad at you when you tell them you're ace. Mostly men, but some get super mad even when they don't know you at all.

[@lordescanor8232]

people hate what they dont understand, never outshine your master they say, it makes it up guys, virgins are better than non virgins, because we are intended to remain pure until marriage/right women, one women only, while obviously this doesnt work with our today standarts people rather shame other than themselfs

[@nickh1116]

Just hit 36, still got my card. I dont advertise or hide the fact, and i wont deny it if the subject comes up. What i find disheartening is how everyone who finds out just stares at me like i just grew another arm out my head. Then the accusatory questions begin & more of the most unhelpful "advice". At this point, inevitable performance anxiety aside, i dont even care about the sex anymore, im just tired of waking up cold & alone

[@stepha2642]

Get a dog (for companionship not sex)

[@SomeCallMeTato]

​​@@stepha2642xDD that clarification bro

[@stepha2642]

@@Aka_Venator you can never be too careful.

[@kklightning5693]

@@stepha2642 that’s extremely sad.

[@CrazyHermioneGranger]

I think it's also worth knowing for many guys that a lot of women struggle quite a lot with similar problems. Much more than I think most men are aware of, and they would be surprised by how many women feel nearly exactly the same as they do. Dating, loneliness, anxiety, social validation and feeling behind on life are all things that really tear on most women's mental health and self-worth. We just don't often talk about it in "mainstream" spaces, so it makes it seems as if it doesn't exist but it does - so very much!

[@kikow3792]

Adding to it: Many Incel-ish guys only want the super pretty girls. They know they look average, but they won't settle for an average looking woman. Some let their guard down around 'females' they don't deem attractive enough - potential partners. They say mysoginistic bullshit, and then they wonder why nobody wants to get close to them. Girls talk. Duh. They observe how other girls are treated. When you join a discord server/large community, women warn other women about the predators. When everything you think about revolves around your trouser snake getting wet inside a flesh pouch, you're oozing it. Some guys really needs to beat the meat, and then have a look around them. See the shy girls. The nerdy girls. Re-evaluate what they really want out of this. Because we ain't your blow up doll.

[@il6315]

Yeah. It’s sad, but feelings of social isolation are going up across the board

[@TheDarkstar3601]

sorry for the neglect

[@bonnacon1610]

Co-signed. Excellent. Though I despair that all this is a mystery to men.

[@Campocosas]

I can be your chat male validation if you want right now. I am a single white hispanic male, 30 yrs, homestead owner. Give me a an account to talk with you.

[@DoggyDisk]

Writing out how you feel about yourself is so crucial. I did it with my therapist and my progress jumped tremendously. My first attempt at as scathing and full and f generalization. If you could hear my self-talk, you’d think I was in an abusive relationship. The second attempt was a response to the first attempt, and was much more forgiving and realistic. It allowed me to be flawed and a continuous work-in-progress. Instead of an abject failure. The intrusive thoughts started to lighten up after that.

[@Phylloscopustrochiloides]

That's awesome to hear that the technique was so powerful and effective for you! Hopefully others will be inspired by your efforts and try the same. :)

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

You WERE in an abusive relationship......with yourself. But writing can be very helpful. Also energetic therapies like EFT, Reiki can really turbo charge any therapy you may get, esp as the former can be self applied.

[@marcusa2252]

This honestly feels impossible as you get older. The shame becomes worse. Social connections from your youth die off. You're much more lonely. It's harder to connect with people. I tried therapy and drugs for 8 years and never found it helpful. I never worked with a therapist that actually helped me. They would just follow generic CBT or DBT practices and hoped that would work it seems. It was always quiet. They never knew what to say or how to help me. Towards the end I got tired of spending thousands of dollars on therapy, drugs, and TMS treatment which went nowhere (also $2000 out of pocket for ambulance rides alone when I went to a psych ward). I gave up on mental health professionals. My mental health seems to be getting worse. Being a virgin at 31 is part of it but there's so much going on in my fucked up brain. Eventually I think there's a high chance I'll kill myself. I can see now why middle aged men have the highest suicide rate.

[@Pegyson]

Before you do, talk to me about it. I'm in your same position at 18 so I can relate to you

[@Darth_Bateman]

@@Pegyson stop pretending you care, and just let the man die with his dignity in tact.

[@bimajuantara]

I'm so sorry man. Hope everything will get better for you, Marcus.

[@djdrjmusic]

That sounds rough, dude. It's hard to have hope when you've tried so much that hasn't gone anywhere.

[@adamlevy8971]

I understand that you feel hopeless. You deserve friendship and community. What do you think it was about these generic therapy practices that never seemed to help you?

[@austinobst8989]

27 was when I lost mine. Just a few months ago actually. Just being loved is definitely the important bit. Took a while to really emotionally digest genuine affection. I cried a lot. Still together and going strong too. Don't give up kings.

[@nightfighter7452]

Omfg

[@austinobst8989]

@@nightfighter7452 yeah?

[@nightfighter7452]

​@@austinobst8989 Nothing, I'm just mad lol

[@Sorine9]

What change would you say got you a relationship? What did you do? Looksmaxing? Confidence? Luck?

[@austinobst8989]

@@Sorine9 Nothing specific really. I did loose 50 pounds over the course of about a year, but it's probably not that simple. I had to deprogram myself of assuming something was fundamentally wrong with me. You don't need to change yourself to find someone. It will only make you miserable. You can't be anyone but yourself. I just found someone who appreciates who I am. Might have been luck but I was trying at least. Hope this helps.

[@chaincat33]

Honestly, it feels weird sometimes to say I've never had a girlfriend or never had sex and the question that immediately follows is "why" like, jeez, I didn't realize it was 100% my choice. I didn't realize I could just make people want to fuck me. The ultimate bottom line is that it's a two way road. You can put in all the effort and experience you want and get nowhere because the person on the other side said so. And that's life, that's not a bad thing, you aren't obligated to have sex with someone, you aren't entitled to a relationship, but the notion that it's somehow just completely your fault for being a virgin is a weird one to me.

[@yearginclarke]

I think some of us are "screwed". I'm currently 37. I can't really explain with words, but I always just felt like I don't like people in general. People seem fake, phony etc. Not everyone of course, it just seems that the majority are that way. Especially when you find out people are talking about you behind your back, and back-stabber types. I can't help but to see right through people and their B.S. This makes it really hard to go out and enjoy being around people. And I've done my share of socializing in my life, but I rarely seem to meet types that really click with me. So in my 30's I just lost interest completely basically. Also worth mentioning that I always had a hard time identifying with people in my own age group. The values, ethics, etc. of younger people in our modern era are completely messed up IMO. I always got along with older people much better. To some extent members of Gen X, but much more along the lines of baby boomers and WW2 generations. Most of those WW2 generations are dead or dying off now, but I knew quite a few that I really liked.

[@ppsarrakis]

too true,the older you get the more it feels that this whole thing is too much trouble for whats its worth,even worse certain parts of the world you pretty much screwed if you have no money to waste.

[@klaudiabogusiewicz9172]

I like your take on this, personally I'd expand by saying that it's not really a 'fault', but more of a choice, - you're not at fault but rather made a choice you can always change, nothing is set in stone. Yes there are some idiots who will shame you but, I think when people are shocked to hear that you are a virgin usualy it's shock because they think you must not like it or they are shocked at your choice.. But yes I'd agree that it's 50% a choice wnd 50% consent of the person.

[@damianpriest762]

Sure, sex isn't a right, After all.... So should not be abortion since sex Is a privilege. Why should I pay taxes to ensure abortion to somebody no capable ti be responsible for sex privilege? As incel, It would be like payin' gasoline for a Lamborghini i can't drive.

[@klaudiabogusiewicz9172]

@@damianpriest762 dumb take. Abortion shouldn't be a privilege but a right soley due to the fact that it's morally wrong to choose bodily autonomy over a clump of cells. No one should be forced to give birth or give up thier body to a 9 month prarsite. And even if it was - who decides on who receives this privilege? Elaborate. Also I wouldn't call sex a privilege either.. Definitely not a right as you can't demand it from someone but not a privilege, rather something in between. And the reason as to why you're an incel stems from your core of who you are, wether it's your personality, how you carry yourself or how you care for your appearance - it's an issue that comes from the inside and only you can solve it. Life is all about perception - if you label yourself as an Incel who can't get laid that's what you'll become.. But if you look towards being a better person everyday and stop focusing on people not wanting you (no one ows you sex anyway) you'll come out on top in all areas of life.

[@Sluppie]

There has to be a healthy alternative to the weird extremes of "sex is everything" and "b***s ain't shit", but those are the only two narratives being broadcasted most of the time. If I had to say anything to this guy, it would be, "You don't have to feel bad about feeling bad."

[@wesnohathas1993]

Extremes have a natural tendency to be the most vocal. Healthy mindsets are the ones you don't see because they aren't causing any problems.

[@ExeErdna]

@@wesnohathas1993 They cause problems because there's a whole social stigma. Like Virgin and Incel are thrown around if you have a negative option about something that ISN'T sexual. Like you disliking a popular show or somebody on youtube.

[@Mirkk47]

I don't know. Maybe he has a valid reason for feeling bad. Maybe not. That's why therapy is a long process you cannot assume anyone's life and situation and there is no fit-all answer to any issue. But yes, extremes aren't healthy. People need to make their own journey and find their own answers. For me it's more like. Why would I need a woman? Why would I need sex? I take care of myself well enough. I don't want sex for the sake of having sex. I don't want a woman for the sake of having a woman. If she comes and makes my life better, cool. If not, I'm good. I'm not sacrifing my life goals for anyone and my life goals aren't having sex.

[@kubli365]

"no sex before marriage" kek

[@Blensidi]

The comment I was looking for. The most realistic solution out of all.

[@TheStarrySky-sb9df]

I used to feel insecure with being a virgin at age 21-23, but since age 25 until now (26), the thought of “oh I’m still a virgin” just doesn’t crept up and make me feel negative anymore. I don’t know why. Probably because I am just fine with how things are and I think I’m so introverted that I don’t want to give my time to anyone else if I happen to date in the future.

[@kaptain524]

As a male virgin in my 40s who was bullied a lot as a child, just now learning about my C-PTSD and other issues... Having never been able to even ask someone out on a date due to social anxiety... I have often thought of my "virginity trap" as having "not only missed the boat, but it got lost at sea and sank to the bottom of the ocean." I have often thought about this topic, losing hope since I cannot return to my teenage years and have that missed experience... This video has actually given me a lot of hope that I can build a new boat.

[@manosijroy8282]

Damn man really in your 40s? Have you been on dates before? I am a guy who turned 23 over a month ago(on 22nd December) and I never had a girlfriend before. I did go on my first ever date 4-5 months ago. She was 19(turned 20 a couple of weeks ago) and we went to the mall, ate in Mcdonalds and got my first hug but yet to get my first kiss and I pulled her cheeks a lot but 2 weeks after the date, she turned out to be mean to me and blocked me everywhere. She basically used me for free lunch and to take pics of her which she can post on social media. I also have a big crush on this girl who is in the class where I go for preparation of exams to get into an MBA B School as I just graduated college 6 months ago and planning to study MBA. She also turned 23 just 2 weeks ago and she has been my crush for 6 months. She has called me cute several times and I pulled her cheeks too and 2 days ago I even gave her a chocolate but I am shy near her and girls in general in person so she is the one who initiates convos with me and she has some male friends too so I feel worried. 5 days ago, I got a new crush on this another girl in the same institute who is also within 21-23 age range and she is one of the prettiest girl I have ever seen. We aren't in the same classrooms and I have been too shy to approach her but finally with the help of my friends and one of her classmate, I did approach her and was able to talk to her asking each other's names and which classroom we are in but I am afraid that she is probably out of my league but her classmate said she is single but idk whether my nervousness was a turnoff for her and I am still nervous about talking with her next time again. 3-4 months ago, I also went out with a female friend in the same class in that institute who is also 23 and we had a lunch in a big restaurant but idk whether to count it as a date and we had fun and might go out again. For the past 7 months, I also have been chatting on Instagram with this another girl who is 19(turning 20 in April). She used to be in the same school as me but didn't know each other in school days. We are both foodies and send each other virtual hugs daily in the chats and plan to meet up to eat somewhere too and she is very sweet. Sadly in the end I am still single.

[@oooiluvpancakesooo7781]

One thing I will say as a 35 year old female virgin, is that most people don’t know I’m a virgin. Im beyond the point that people ask me the dirty details of sexual encounter I supposedly had, and I’m old enough that people just assume that I have at some point. I will say that I have never told anyone that I’m not. Im lucky I’m a woman tho. I have had people who were interested but I’m terrified of the act and self conscious about my looks. So I’ve always avoided it.

[@OksanaHavryliuk-t7z]

As a woman, I would like to encourage you to love yourself and your body. Take a look at yourself from the painter perspective maybe. From which century masterpiece you might be coming? Is it 17th, medieval, preraphaelites? Imagine yourself inside some erotic play. Which role would you like to have: are you tender, slightly cold, passionate? Or, just imagine that you're the only person on the planet Earth. So, you can feel secure: no judging, walking naked on the meadow under the soft sunshine... My point is, no matter if you have sex or not, you shouldn't have deep fears about it. Fears make us weak and limited. Maybe read some psychologists/ sexologists. You have to discover, appreciate and love your feminity. Because, it's not something you can get from even the best relationship in the world. You have to nurture it inside by yourself. It's one of our women's jobs:) Ps: I'm a 34y.o. virgin;)

[@jaimequinonez7612]

that low self-esteem i mean because of what you just wrote "conscious about the way you look" you can work on that, go to a gym but not for anybody else, but for yourself. i hope you get to value your own body

[@psycatnip]

37 year-old female virgin here too 👋, who also used to feel a lot of fear around sex. It took getting creative in my sexual exploration (i.e. learning how to masturbate, and doing rated R text roleplay in a well-boundaried online RPG server) so that I now think I could be comfortable enough to act if I needed/wanted to. It's been kind of like exposure therapy. I also went to therapy at the same time and processed my internal reactions to everything with my therapist. All this to say, there might be ways to navigate out of the fear without having to jump feet first into the deep end.

[@nobodysperfect06]

​@@psycatnipare you saying you have a fear of sex

[@madamebkrt]

@@OksanaHavryliuk-t7z Damn I love this comment so much, I needed to read this today.

[@runey5]

i used to be bothered by it but then one day i woke up and thought to myself "so what if i'm a virgin, i'm waiting for someone special. why are others so concerned but my virginity? they must be ashamed of the way they lost theirs if that's the case" and usually when people try to insult me with it my response is always "why? do you want it?" thats shuts them up fast

[@seabreeze4559]

they project their own sexual shame like alcoholics being angry at the teetotal

[@islmhhh4987]

True. Lose your virginity with someone special and you love genuinely. Sex is overrated. I lost my v card at 19 years old with someone I truly love. and before that my mind revolved around sex and I couldn't think about anything else. But after doing it, I realize there's nothing special about it. What's more special in fact, is the connection with the person you love. That matters much more than playing with genitals. Do not be ashamed of being a virgin.

[@jupiterho11ow]

@@islmhhh4987 That connection is the precise reason that people care about being a virgin, though. If it was all about the sex and nothing else, everyone would just pay for it and be done with it. People aren't just ashamed because they've never had sex with someone, but because of what they feel that lack of sex represents: not being wanted, not being loved, and not being valuable. Of course it sounds overblown when you think it's 100% about the act of having sex, but there's way more to it than that.

[@AbuBased731]

Major C∅PE lol

[@yuukichan12]

​@AbuBased731 insecure about something huh?

[@mgabss]

In my experience, I feel like no one talks about how when you are an adult (or young adult ) virgin your only reference of sex is literally porn. And that's another layer of shame, because you have certain expectations of sex even if you have been told that isn't real, but you don't know what IS real. So years pass by and you really have no clue of what to expect and if real sex even turns you on.

[@danielhughes3758]

I can relate to this so much. Being 33 and now finally having lost my virginity it was such a different experience seeing porn or even just movies where people kiss. I was on an airplane a few days after and saw 4 movies in a row where people were kissing and my reaction was "I can finally relate to what that feels like!" I used to watch things and wonder how on earth it would feel like and now I watch it and deeply yearn for more instead

[@YesIHaveManyProblemsThanks]

the realest thing Ive read in a while! I dont watch porn (it makes me too angry) so I dont even have bad context to what things would be like if somehow I was given the chance.

[@danielhughes3758]

@bmoe4609 At some point you'd need to do some things differently probably to get into the kind of situation to experience it. I am 33 though, so you still have time until you get to my age. Even at 33 experiencing it for the first time is still better late than never

[@Michael_CDK]

Thank you. You nailed it. No pun intended.

[@madamebkrt]

You need to stop watching porn. There are always alternatives to porn.

[@TideV2]

The missed milestone part is huge. How many people's parents create an environment of shame or even disgust around relationships and sex causing their own children to later on become dysfunctional due to subconscious rationalization of "missed" milestones that were essentially intentionally forgone but not to the child's long term benefit. This should be talked about more. Parents and now society demonize the very things that are essential to the formation of healthy self esteem and relationships. This isnt a huge issue for young women because they have about a dozen avenues of reassurance, but for young men their adult lives can be stunted or even completely sabotaged due to a misunderstanding of the importance of these very milestones while in adolescence and young adult. Great video.

[@stephenjones5304]

Thanks. I have purposely missed these so-called milestones so that I could be free to explore Nature, read books, etc. I never wanted a relationship despite a high sex drive. The key is to set your priorities early in life and discipline yourself enough to resist the peer pressure that comes from a bunch of herd followers who get approved of by leading a conventional life. Senior male virgin.

[@PatriotResearchGal]

As a 40-something female virgin, women also can be caught in the family shunting of social interaction. Grew up in a religious home in which dating wasn’t allowed until I moved out. I have been shamed for being overweight my whole life. Dating didn’t happen in college and on and on we go. Male or female, if no social skills are taught or encouraged, it’s a massive setback. Having real relationship skills taught in the home (ie, boundaries, conflict resolution, etc) is also necessary. If the basics are missing, then the complex seems impossible. Thank you for pointing out the family of origin has a role to play as well. 🙏🏻

[@Livvy9197]

I crossed the barrier of "making my intentions known" so many times over in past ten years, but I've just been rejected over and over again. Nobody every makes a move towards me ever and whenever I do I get rejected. I've reached a point where I get mad and frustrated when people chat about their past relationship experiences, like "I knew they had a thing for me" etc. cause I never got to experience any of it. One day I'll just die as the ugly virigin loser I am.

[@radiohead7519]

I have been rejected numerous times that I felt like giving up. I've never made it past the 1st date stage to an actual relationship. But then I thought to myself, I can't let these people stop me from getting what I want. Don't let those past rejections stop you from trying again and again. You will eventually find someone, it's just that some people have to try harder than others to find someone. Another thing, ask yourself questions on how to improve. If one didn't work out, maybe approach the next in a different way. Do a lot of self-reflection and practice being patient. Join clubs, meetup groups, and volunteer work. Don't give up!

[@AbuBased731]

@@radiohead7519 Dont evER get up

[@Falcodrin]

Hey just wanna say it's never too late. My mom's dating this 50 something dude who had a hell of a glow up in his late 40s. He went from large nerdy accountant to confident bearded badass. It's still in the cards.

[@aishisufuyu5961]

I despise when people just throw away relationships for dumb reasons, as if they're easy to get.

[@Falcodrin]

@@aishisufuyu5961 for some people they are.

[@mrblok1992]

Takeaways: → Watch out for generalizations. → The human brain is biased towards the negative. → Negative generalizations sabotages your future. → Be aware, of how it affects your actions and have a synergetic approach. → Writing it out is better at helping us analyze it. → Learn to socialize with intention. → How can I be more patient with myself? → Its okay if your mind wanders at times.

[@jaceiselsewhere]

take-away summary 1. synergistic approach: address both shame and social XP. 2. how do I feel about myself? answer reflexively. write a page. 3. how do I feel about other people? 4. socialise with intention. focus on friends first. be aware of the internal response (resentment that this isn’t easy/natural to you, insecurity, anxiety. move towards talking to people without being awkward and interacting with good energy/attitudes underlying your approach. practise until you feel it (the lack of awkwardness). you’ll develop tolerance to the discomfort and improve) 5. when you’re attracted to someone, make your intentions known (notice the internal narratives and insecure/fearful feelings. breathe, acknowledge and move towards helpful thoughts/beliefs/feelings - curiosity, courage, hope, resilience) 6. ask them out! (gain XP regardless of outcomes) 7. ask yourself: how can I be more patient with myself? (rejection is okay, make the attempts the goal, practise self compassion, unravel the insecurity/shame and detach from the outcome). 8. practise awareness, intention, detachment, productive beliefs, attitudes and actions. gain XP. know that having sex and relationships won’t actually validate your value, lovability, or worthiness. know you always were lovable and worthy and always will be. you got this 🫶

[@syra1541]

thinking of it like xp is insanely motivating icl

[@stravvman]

If "having sex and relationships won’t actually validate your value" why 80% of this approach is about getting a relationship.

[@prisonmike1139]

I don’t know if everyone is ever gonna see this, but I’m gonna say it. As a first time Dr K listener, I actually burst into tears when he started talking about rejection. I have never heard anyone describe it so perfectly vivid what actually goes through my mind. It’s like I didn’t even realise what my subconscious felt until he voiced it out and suddenly all those words became way more than words on the screen and I visualised it all. My heart strings audibly tried to tear themselves apart at that moment. Writing it all out makes me temporarily feel better. Thank you so much Dr K

[@Gajsu1]

Im 31yo virgin. It's extremely hard to socialize when you feel like an absolute loser inside, as society despise virgins. The thought of being one of them, one of the losers, and at the same time - having to pretend like you are not one, is so exhausting. There is a reason why being called an incel, virgin is an insult. It basically equals to being a loser, worthless. I had so many sucidial thoughts because of that. I've been going to therapy for almost 2.5 years now and it is still burned in my mind. Everytime i start talking to someone at some point of the conversation out of nowhere my mind reminds me that "You are 31yo virgin, loser, piece of shit, remember that", and then it disappears. And now i feel stressed AF that it might somehow show up in my behavior and as people will discover that, they will feel disgusted and i will be discarded shortly after.

[@CapitalTeeth]

Yeah, I can relate. It hasn't happened often, but whenever things like this get brought up in conversation among my friends, I end up feeling like a loser who will never get anywhere in life, because I'm the odd one for never experiencing sex. Granted, I don't let it get to me, and forget about it 5 minutes later when the subject of the conversation changes, but it really does feel like what you said when it does happen. I hope you can get over those depressing thoughts, man. I can't speak for myself regarding that, but it sounds like a very nasty thing to have to deal with. At the end of the day, just remember that you know yourself whether you're better than the likes of those virgin loser pieces of shits that you speak of. Because those people, they're not good people.

[@giuliab8484]

Something that could help you a lot imo is trying to do positive self talk. It can be hard at times, but if you imagine yourself talking negatively to your younger version of yourself, it might make you feel more empathetic towards yourself

[@arjielu22]

Honestly, you'd be surprised by the people who don't care and will make accomodations for you,,,I was playing a drinking game with some people I barely knew, but all the prompts involved sex one way or another even though I was a virgin, but a girl nearby heard me mention it and made a prompt for me that didn't involve sex at all :) Plus, everyone else had to drink during a round of "never have I ever" because I never had sex ahahah😎 Your wasting your time and energy feeling shame for something that hasn't happened to a good number of people in this comment section,and the people who do care YOU should be the one discarding them (not to invalidate your mental health struggles, because it seems to originate from your core beliefs.) I know you won't believe me right now, but you aren't a waste!! No more than everyone else on this earth, anyway...practicing neutrality really helped me develop a better relationship with myself. Thinking objectively true thoughts when I feel bad about myself. People are so quick to jump straight into positivity from negativity, but that never worked for me. Hope this works for you :)

[@AbuBased731]

It's ØvER

[@ffnovice7]

I just used spite to get over my insecurity. It just made it all the more worse now that I've lost my innocence to someone who didn't deserve it, and now I feel empty and wayward, and feel completely stunted in my opposite sex relationships

[@thelouisjohnson]

Thanks for talking about this. Stellar video. Hardly ever see it mentioned in the public sphere, especially considering how much of our social identities seemed to be focused on our sexuality.

[@nerdwriterfighter212]

I am a woman and I feel a similar way. I have never been in a relationship before and tend to be very guarded emotionally in terms of friendships and people. I have been hurt before and been in very toxic environments that has caused me to be that way. I have ADHD too, and that probably had a hard time to get into it. I never had a healthy environment to learn how to make friends. I want to get close to people but it's difficult because in a lot of ways because I am learning a whole lot of this stuff later in life while most of my peers.

[@thomas5585]

Just dozens of one night stands tee hee

[@halloy5021]

@The Floppa show - SUBSCRIBE! Thomas is "saying that surely women can't feel bad!".Perhaps he hasn't realised women are individuals

[@Suiseisexy]

I'm sorry but it's too cringe, they've done too good of a job destroying you. Seeing you turned into a sex-hating alien is the most cringe thing, I can see the man behind the curtain and I have to watch every obvious move he makes to end your fecundity and commit genocide. Watching you desire power for yourself with no screen in the way engages my hatred, your selfishness is clear and total, you recoil from sex only because you think it makes you a powerless object and in so doing insult everyone who enjoys the act. You were willingly turned into a hateful alien and you willingly stay that way. You think me, a white male, sexually touching something defiles and destroys it and you'll be "right" forever. I hope that your loneliness is infinite pain, I feel less than nothing for you.

[@chlebek2958]

@@thomas5585 brainlet

[@thomas5585]

@@chlebek2958 lol calm down

[@idontwanttodothisnomore]

"We start life and have a trajectory"... draws an arrow pointing down. Yeah I feel that.

[@PossibleBat]

I didn’t want to keep being a virgin at 26, so I rushed to lose it only to realize my life was the same, only my own perception changed, because I felt like I was missing out on such an important part of life, of self gratification and intimacy. When I was a virgin I felt infantilized all the time, I felt ugly and unwanted, I felt like an outcast, like I was less than, and it was horrible. So, I kept it secret, I never told anyone and I pretended. Yes, it wasn’t my best choice but that’s what I did. It’s been 2 years and my love life continues to be non existent, I actually want a deep connection and a relationship, I participated in hookup culture once and it was enough for me.

[@chasemcdaniel3620]

I'm a 32 year old male virgin. I feel similar to you. But I'm torn. I feel like I want a relationship. But I also desire sex. And I also think that theirs a good chance I'll hurt the first person I have sex with. If you and I had sex for example. If you asked me if I was ready for a relationship I truly wouldn't know what to tell you. And I would also be curious if you even desire sex with me. I definitely wouldn't want to say" I want a relationship". If that relationship involved little sexuality. Which all of that makes me think I need to do what you did. I need to hookup with a few women. Part of me wants to. Part of me feels like I'd be playing a game with women. I don't think most people care. Either way I don't know how to hookup with women. What was your experience? I don't even know how to bring up sex to women. How quickly should I make it sexual? If a girl has questions what do I even say? This issue is depressing. I try not to think about it. But that makes it worse. Because I don't have any of the habits other people do. I'm considering just being totally honest. Just tell people I'm a virgin and I'm trying to get laid. I don't know if that would get me laid or get me shunned. Maybe I should make a tender profile and just lay it all out. Any advice from a woman would be helpful. It's like I don't want to be a typical gross guy. But I feel like I have to be one. And I actually do have a sexual side that wants hot kinky sex. Their is no point in denying it. But I don't know how to talk about it. I feel like women don't even want sex sometimes. Just based on how they talk about it in public. I'm just lost

[@pricklycatsss]

Trust me it gets way better. Sex with someone you love is a whole different ballgame. And you have more time to practice and try new things, unlike hookups where you have to shove everything into one night. It took my gf and I like 6 whole months just to start having really good sex. So losing your virginity with someone you don't really love or like that much is basically guaranteed to not be very good. Sex is a skill.

[@yuriimarshalofficial]

Hookup “mainstream” is a lie. I really happy to hear you didn’t join that mad race. To be loved and to love is much more better than just prove someone you’re adult.

[@iHateGenZweebs]

Do you still feel like an infant? Like did your mental health improve from that experience? I can have sex prob whenever but I always associated it with having a deep connection with someone and I never wanted to have casual sex. I still don't want to and it goes completely against my values, but I also feel like complete trash. Idk.

[@yuriimarshalofficial]

@@iHateGenZweebs so that’s why I don’t want casual sex and don’t have it for 9 years, working as a programmer. It feels dirty and trashy. But honestly I’m tired to see beloved each spring and summer. This fk modern world is compatible for ones and completely empty for others.

[@grahamcahill4505]

Being an adult virgin these days is somethimg that is too shameful to admit. Besides the deep loneliness I don't feel normal. People that have had sex and a partner just don't get it. They don't know how horrid and frustrating it is for alot of men.

[@zukodude487987]

Note that it is a male issue, woman get intimacy like hand outs.

[@__w__o__w__]

@@zukodude487987 Note, there's dozens of women in these comments stating they feel exactly the same way.

[@zukodude487987]

@@__w__o__w__ The difference is that i am right and they are cap. Woman can get intimacy for existing while guys dont get it unless they are very attractive, wealthy or influential.

[@Ty-op5xr]

@@__w__o__w__ I don’t get how there are female virgins in a western country. Just go to a bar, walk up to a guy and flirt with him. She’ll get sex immediately.

[@Darkcamera45]

@@zukodude487987 ok that is just over generalizing and incredibly biased I’m no feminist but there are definitely women that experience the same thing men do here aswell

[@sageoftruth]

For me, it's mostly FOMO. There's definitely other factors that have kept me a virgin, but lack of interest has been a big one. I feel like I've built up all the other things in my life: Social skills, a circle of friends, financial security, hobbies. Frankly, I feel like I could possibly grow old and die a virgin and have no regrets, but a part of me keeps worrying that one day my outlook on this will change and it will be too late to fix it. I'm almost 40 now, and the fact that almost all of my friends are starting families left and right is only making it harder to ignore that I'm willfully passing up a huge milestone, and may never catch up if I suddenly wish to.

[@squamish4244]

Better to do something about it now or in the next x number of years than end up old and regretting it. If things don't work out, at least you won't have that regret.

[@sageoftruth]

​@@squamish4244 It's not easy to do, when I don't even want one yet. I've tried dating two times, and both times, it eventually led to us ending it and becoming friends. All I felt was relief when that happened. Relationships take work, and the uncertain possibility of wanting one, someday isn't much of a motivator to put in that work. I'm pretty sure both dates failed because I didn't have that need or longing to push me to work past being friends.

[@jelaninoel]

The FOMO is real. For me it’s never being able to know what it’s like to have done it in highschool. The sneaking out, having no responsibilities, the trying to find every opportunity to get it on due to raging hormones. The summer time youth. Sounds like a hell of a time

[@svenbtb]

Why can't you? There's plenty of people your age who are single, or recently divorced, etc. You might have to accept that people in your dating pool have kids, but if you don't mind that then there's plenty of time and opportunity left for you.

[@sageoftruth]

@@svenbtbThat's true. Sadly, I don't do well with kids, so the pool would probably be a bit lower. But there's always time.

[@dalegaliniak607]

So, when I was in my early 20s, it was during the height of the whole The Game book and I was going through a tough patch after breaking up with a long term girlfriend, after not really dating in high school, so I joined a group of pickup artists. I'm not discounting all the bad experiences other people had, but this group must have been organized by a psychologist because they seemed aimed at people like me and did EVERYTHING you talked about. They split everything into two parts, what they called inner game, what related to self confidence, self worth and so on, and outer game, which was mostly getting out there and practice talking to people. They also vetted people, to prevent creeps from getting in and were very open about the fact that most people would find a relationship and kinda float away. In retrospect, it was therapy aimed at men maskarading as "pickup artistry" and I'm kinda glad I got the experience. It definitely leveled up my social skills.

[@Khora]

I think we need a video on health anxiety. This shit recently hit me like a truck and it feels different than other anxieties.

[@flmejndor]

I'd highly encourage you to share your story on the HeathyGamer subreddit if you haven't already, hopefully he'll see it!

[@saturationstation1446]

after enough life altering health problems you just kind of become numb to it lol.

[@thejusunnivelan7193]

I would hope healthy anxiety does NOT hit like a truck

[@drawingtom]

I was diagnosed with ms a year ago, this anxiety is the worst. You always bring it with you. The only assurance you have is that your future at best will be ok, at worst will be shit.

[@thejusunnivelan7193]

@@drawingtom What do you do when your now is amazing? Or what would you do?

[@fatmork834]

I used to be kind of like this, and I was a virgin until about 2 and 1/2 years ago, but I can tell you that even after a few times in the sack, it doesn't really feel that much different. That's when I realized it wasn't really the sex that I was missing, it's the human connection. Hope you feel better man

[@undead5142]

Hi Dr. K., a shameful virgin male (27) here, I just stumbled across your video. When I was four years old I got diagnosed with rare vaccine damage three days after the polio injection. Nerves in my limbs who transfer sensory information to the brain got affected. I still remember the day, when my dad picked me up from Kindergarten, my legs couldn't hold me anymore and I feel - over and over. Years have past. I was able to walk a few meters without assistance. I had future milestones and goals in my head. Five years ago I suddently got a pneumothorax (my left lung collapsed) - my muscles weakend and almost whitered away, due to the fatique and lack of movement. Resulting me, using walk assisting things - after a long needed therapy session, a wheelchair too. Even my voice got deeper - I still sound like CorpseHusband without breath. I am always pitying or belittle myself for it. If I'm not feeling the usage of my wheelchair, I use my upperbody strength to crawl in a sitting position from room to room. I generally hate nothing, but I despice anyone seeing me in that situation. My depression worsened. Having a handicap and not being able to (physical disadvantage) fullfill my milestones and goals was shameful and soul-crushing to me. Like "walking" with a "future girlfriend" hand in hand on a sunny beach. How do people with a visual physical impairment get over their shamefulness? How can a girl fall in love with the abomination I am? How can I get the courage to get over my insecurities? Thank you so much for reading this. Lastly, I anyone from the community could help me - Let me know! Much love!

[@JonathanWrightZA]

There's a guy with no arms and no LEGS. Works as a motivational speaker. Birth defect, so an entire life without limbs. Last name like Vucicic or something. HE HAS A BEAUTIFUL WIFE. Boggles my mind, but I believe it.

[@JonathanWrightZA]

I checked again. His name is Nicholas Vujicic. You've got better chance than he did, and he made it ;)

[@voice_0f_reason]

Just here to say that you're not an abomination. Life was a bit harsh on you, sure, but give yourself a chance. Then others will follow suit. Sorry for being vague, idk how to give any real advice for your situation.

[@squamish4244]

There are dating websites and apps for people with physical disabilities (and psychological disabilities). There are affordable matchmaking services too, you might want to try and see if there is one in your area. I joined one. I have psychiatric issues and dating has been a very difficult challenge, so I paid for professionals to help do it for me.

[@undead5142]

@@squamish4244 thank you very much for your advice. can you name a few of those apps? :)

[@ryancrowell9867]

32 and a virgin. Expecting to die one. I'll never understand dating, women, sex - any of it, and at this point I don't even care to try anymore. Just want peace from the feelings of deficiency and alienation. And it would be nice to entirely remove any physical desire as it is useless to me, but that's wishful thinking. I get that I am an eyesore to society. Would be nice if there were a colony for lepers like myself, because this sex-obsessed culture just makes me feel worse the older I get.

[@zenigatago]

Hear ya! Been there only once. Barely a body count. May as well have had none.

[@firstnameonradio]

am 44 and people have always given me crap for not having a gf. as result of strict upbringing, being an only child and getting picked on at an early age, my social skills are pretty much nonexistent. am about 6'2 and work out but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter if you can't socialize. It's always easier for the folks who had a privileged upbringing to stand there and say 'well, all you have to do is go over and talk.....'. Yeah, it's easier for them. They had it easy in the beginning.

[@murderman8578]

Did you try things to better yourself

[@firstnameonradio]

@@murderman8578 yeah man, did the best I could in terms of improving myself. I did 6 years in the Air Force but that was really a challenge due to the fact I had no social skills and was awkward during my whole Enlistment. It was a challenging attempt on my part but as I mentioned before social skills learned early on in life are very important. Would've greatly helped myself no doubt.

[@murderman8578]

@@firstnameonradio Even with all the improvements you still gotten a fair chance with women That's tough man especially at your age where women are expecting some romantic experience Chances and Luck are looking very slim

[@firstnameonradio]

@@murderman8578 thanks for the honesty. best thing for myself is the suffering is halfway over but at the very least my legacy can be for all the individuals who may be dealing with loneliness to just let them know start as early as you can to learn social skills. to quote one my favorite bands, It's so important to make best friends in life.

[@murderman8578]

@@firstnameonradio Yeah it gets harder and harder when get older and lack any of this

[@sammy1025]

When I was a virgin I was very insecure and ashamed of it. I managed to lose it awhile back and those feelings went away. I really feel for people going through it. It’s something I only shared with my therapist.

[@magnificentpup2875]

How old were you? I’m 20 and a virgin, but I chose to be.

[@sammy1025]

@@magnificentpup2875 22

[@jmard3101]

@@sammy1025 Im currently 25, sadly im losing patience :( .

[@BlingIsSpring]

That’s the worst thing though. Regardless of the countless people that tell you “it isn’t a big deal” or “sex is overrated”. You truly don’t feel good about yourself until you do lose it.

[@Jordan64852]

I’m a virgin but I’m afraid that if I lost it my feelings wouldn’t go away like my friends have offered to hook me up before with people I didn’t know but it felt wrong like it would never feel like it “counted” if I didn’t have an emotional connection

[@shawntco]

What I like about Dr. K's handling of this topic, is he acknowledges the practical, social effects of being a virgin past the "acceptable" time. If you're an adult virgin people will ask questions like "What's wrong with him?" and "Do I really want to date someone who doesn't know what they're doing in bed?" There is the stigma associated with adult virginity. Whether or not it's fair is besides the point. The point is that it's real, and it causes shame and other problems. So yes, you do need to level up, if only to meet the standards you're held to for your given age range. Another aspect of what makes being a virgin so frustrating, particularly in your adult years: you physically and emotionally desire it. And if you're a guy, that desire is very frequently there. So you go years without being able to satisfy this desire in any meaningful way. And that wears on you. Maybe it's my shame and red pill influence speaking, but I'm skeptical of the blunt "ask them out" approach he suggests. Humans are emotional creatures, and this kind of thing requires nuance and care to work.

[@Azulaozai._]

How did we as a society go from criticising promiscuity to shaming virgins 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@Galilupottepeak]

feminism for legal reasons, that was a joke

[@artikulv731]

It’s a wonderful world, we do both

[@GoldenDragonfly1]

There always needs to be an "enemy." People always try to justify their actions. We want our actions to be "right", so, for a lot of people this means automatically if someone doesn't do the same thing as them it's "wrong".

[@TomorrowWeLive2]

Jews

[@nickem6556]

Feminism, communism and postmodernism, deconstructing every value that society had before to destroy it to the last brick to "build" "new" "best" society.

[@TheErraticdream]

24 (F), for the longest time I thought that most of my insecurities came from being a virgin. Every time it was brought up, people would either act like they pitied me, or would be patronizing, i.e. "aww, poor sweet innocent ____ has never seen a p****." When I finally lost it to a friend two years ago, he made it clear afterwards that he wasn't looking for a long-term relationship. Before suddenly appearing with his new girlfriend about a month later. All in all, I realized that while I didn't enjoy the stigma that came from being a virgin, what I really wanted was to be in a meaningful and trusting relationship with someone.

[@scythermantis]

I'm sorry for what happened to you but saying "Finally" and "2 years ago" when there is a post directly above you talking about a 33 year old (M) virgin---what should they say then, being 11 years older and still being a virgin? Should they be saying "Finally Finally Finally Finally Finally Finally Finally Finally Finally Finally Finally Finally" ??? And also... I hope that you save yourself for MARRIAGE and encourage any other virgin women to do so as well... it is the way to go and it seems that you learned the hard way.

[@TheErraticdream]

@@scythermantis Maybe the intended point of of my comment has nothing to do with when I lost my virginity, but moreso what I learned from that experience? Also can't help but laugh that you only specify virgin women when talking about saving it for marriage. Sorry that sharing my personal experience clearly triggered you.

[@ryu9123]

@@scythermantis man, you guys really deserve being bullied for being virgins. Y'all act like "woe is me" for being a virgin but then turn around and with the same mouth bully women for not being virgins, acting like they're somehow unpure, or sl0ts or unlovable etc. Do y'all not see the hypocrisy in it? Jesus, I'm 26 still a virgin and people like you guys make me feel like if I even got into a long term relationship and the relationship wouldn't work out for someone kind of reason I'd suddenly become promiscuous sl0t in my future partner's eyes. And let's be honest most of y'all nowadays are definitely not willing to wait 2-4 years in relationship with any kind of sexual intimacy. Be honest would you wait that long?

[@madamebkrt]

That is actually brutal, I'm sorry that happened.

[@bro918]

Do you mind me asking, do you regret it? Like, would you rather have waited for a meaningful relationship and then do it with them?

[@persto5794]

"People hate virgins. They used to sacrifice them to the gods" The way I fucking cackled and laughed my ass off. I have never loved a phrase more in my life

[@CFlandre]

30+ M here. I never had a problem with my virginity itself, but I have always kind of viewed my virginity as an indicator of my lack of ability to meaningfully connect with other people in a romantic/sexual sense. I've had women who sought me out in the past, and I've been told that I'm handsome and cute by these women, but I've always self-sabotaged those relationships unintentionally. I don't blame them at all, I had no idea what I was doing, and I couldn't for the life of me navigate those waters. These days, I'm kind of reclusive, and I've retreated into my hobbies, which I feel I understand more intimately than any relationship with other people.

[@Luffa187]

I can relate to this. I'm a 30+ virgin as well but the worst thing is not even the lack of sex. It's the inability to connect with people. All my interactions with people have always been very surface level. Even parents and family members. I get along with people just fine, but nobody has ever been interested in getting to know me. I know it's because I'm boring and not interesting enough so people simply choose to hang out with someone else. I'm not complaining though. If people don't wanna be around me then I must be the problem. I'm fully responsible for my own life. The loneliness is getting to me though. I thought relationships and friendships would form over time but it's simply not happening

[@CFlandre]

@@Luffa187 I feel you, and I get it. For context, I don't consider myself terribly personable; I consider talking to other people a skill that I've honed over the course of my life. I've always felt, since my teenage years, that I had more in common with the things that people make (music, art, games, programming, etc.) rather than trying to interact with people themselves. Maybe you're one of those people too, and I'd highly recommend finding some sort of creative outlet, even if it's something small. Find a "conversation" that you would like to contribute to.

[@DonRoyalX]

@@Luffa187 1. get into a fitness sport such as jiu jitsu or boxing, 2. Get into an equipment based sporting group such as rock climbing or scuba diving, 3. start a language class to learn the language of a culture u are very fond of, 4. start guitar lessons with a tutor. (Replace these with ur interests) U are having extreme trouble bcoz u are exerting communicative (verbal/physical) effort in social settings. The focus is strictly social in these settings. But with those activities, activities that highly interest u, there is a common goal among the group, and it won’t matter how awkward u are: u will always have something to talk about, and even when u don’t want to talk it will not matter Bcoz u will be focusing on the activity yet still absorbing the social atmosphere, and the group won’t notice ur “isolation”. This stuff will fulfill u. If u feel u still can’t face this superior form of “social setting”, then u do need help. Good luck

[@ThaOneChrisJONES]

It gets kinda frustrating, people tell me I'm a "nice guy" and I make girls "feel comfortable" and I'm a big, strong, handsome guy etc.. and apparently that gives me an advantage.. but it doesn't feel like it. Which just leads to a confusing and depressing "Then what's wrong with me ?" type of situation. And it becomes worse when my friends start talking about buying me an escort to "pop my cherry" which just destroys my confidence even more because it's like.. I have to PAY if I'm ever going to have sex ? I don't wanna be some douchbag fuck boy but I do desire that intimate connection. Sometimes I wonder if it's just some grand social experiment, with which the universe is withholding this from me ( and others ) for some reason.

[@ty-xq7bl]

chad only

[@inquisitionagent9052]

Nah I'll just be honest with you. You just got a skill issue. Genetics has blessed you. You suffer from no horrific deformities. You're not short. And by your own admission women find you handsome. Even after all that if you can't find a girl that's on you. Some of us are out here working with nothing. But we're making it work. Some dudes are such absolute "specimens" that they make this whole love thing look like an impossible task. But we make it work. Meanwhile all you're doing is squandering your potential. So I suggest you get out of your own head and get on with it. You are your own biggest obstacle. You dont get to ask for sympathy when you're doing it to yourself. That's the brutally honest truth of the matter. There is no grand universal conspiracy to keep you single and lonely. You just suck. The good news it that you can stop at any time and be awesome. The potential is there. Stop wasting it

[@jaybennet4491]

Bro, i'd kill to have friends that would do that for me. To pay to be lied to doesn't sound too bad considering we do that already everyday.

[@ThaOneChrisJONES]

Update: Shortly after this I actually got with two girls ( separate occasions ) and messed around with another within like 3 or 4 months. So uh.. I guess sometimes you just gotta wait. lol 🤷

[@SkullKingOG]

as a 25yr old male virgin whos never even managed to get a girlfriend i just wish i could connect with a woman on a deep physical level, not just "have sex" i mean something deep, physical, and emotional. but its gotten to the point in my life where ive just given up hope on even having a relationship let alone being intimate with someone and im still trying to make peace with that

[@manosijroy8282]

I am in the same boat as you but I am a 22 year old guy who never had a girlfriend before, never kissed or hugged a girl in real life. After having no luck on dating apps, I started messaging girls on Instagram who were in the same school as me and are 18-23 year olds now(mostly 19-22). 4 days ago, I tried asking out one of the girl for a coffee who is 19 turning 20 in August. We had been chatting on Instagram for a month and were in the same school too but now in different colleges. She literally agreed to meet me up and said she will let me know when we can meet. I was super happy as this was the first time a girl didn't reject or block me(I was rejected by 3 girls before that) but I could see her replies getting slower and shorter after that. Yesterday she said she was just having mood swings so I said her how to feel better if she is sad and then sent her a virtual hug and then she replied Thanks and suddenly I saw she blocked me. I was shocked because we planned to meet up one day but it can no longer happen as I have no other way of contacting her. What hurt me a lot is that she gave me false hope by not rejecting or blocking me 4 days ago itself when I asked her out and she just agreed to it. Pretty much tears came into my eyes.

[@godisawoman]

same i'm 21 years old

[@joejohn2754]

You're not a loser for being a virgin at 25. You're only a loser if you give up!

[@johnkramer8091]

​@@joejohn2754 You say that as if there were an actual, free choice. I'd rather give up now and be considered a loser than end up like Sisyphos.

[@ararune3734]

@@joejohn2754 You keep trying when the consensus is clear, you're unwanted.

[@LRM12o8]

OMG, 32:19 was an unexpected throwback to many many years ago. This is exactly what I experienced when I changed school and finally got rid of my bullies after ten agonizing years: *my depression got worse!* And "maybe I'd be better off not living" became "I should unalive myself". Because as long as I was being bullied daily, I had that hope that one day it will be over (at least once I'm done with school it would be) and then I will be happy again. But when it was finally over and I had settled into a new class at school, where everybody was nice to me, yet I had to realize that I still haven't made a single friend and felt no better, I lost hope to ever feel better again. I thought I was broken beyond repair. Of course the truth is that simply not being bullied anymore doesn't undo the decade's worth of emotional damage I've experienced till then. Therapy is needed to repair the damage (or at least the skills of self-reflection, -appreciation, -recognition and reality checks that therapists teach). But I didn't know that, so I thought it must have not been the bullies' fault then, since they're not here anymore but my problems still were. Just like that, all the anger and hatred I felt towards the bullies turned onto myself, thinking I had no-one left to blame. Achieving what I thought was the solution made the problem worse (at first), because it was only a part of the solution and I didn't know there were more parts required to the complete solution.

[@angrycapsicum6027]

Men: harder to get laid and society will judge you if you don't. Women: easier to get laid and society will judge you if you do.

[@IsaiahAmos017]

Seems a little fucked up but doesn't it

[@jcl9034]

Shocking that society would view something that is easy to do with less respect than something that is hard to do

[@baphyyy7898]

society!

[@hanatemonstas4485]

@@jcl9034 Yet here you are

[@jcl9034]

@@hanatemonstas4485 ?

[@Mr.Goldbar]

I'm exactly one of these people! I'm approaching 21, a guitar player and producer in music college, and am a virgin. I'm also autistic, have general anxiety disorder and one of my anxieties is to end up being a virgin in my mid 20s and older (a part of that might be because I have two uncles who are basically MGTOW). There's one thing that saves me from depression, and that is the music. I've been playing guitar for around 15 years, doing music production for 4 years, I'm generally quite gifted and I'm considered virtuosic by the standards of my college and by those who know me there. I've made a lot of good new friends there including women and I'm generally a very happy person, the virginity is the only thing that actually bothers me. Without my music I would've probably been one of the depressed terminally online incels that are always the example of what I strive to never ever become

[@flumiie]

Being a picky person is really makes it hard for us introverts if I just have to embrace my picky-ness

[@levtieart3409]

thing is ,are you picky or do you not wanna be in a abusive realtionship /toxic person , and also be attracted and fit with the person , a lot times your shamed for rejecting someone and being lonley , but the person you rejected was rude to you ,and your not attracted at all to them etc like 2x your age ,want kids when you dont , wants to just hookup when you date to marry , most times its not you being picky or ''too high standards'' its people wanting basic human decency and consent ,and the worst thing is when you get shamed by people for rejecting toxicity enough you give in because of shame ,and then people blame you for ''choosing'' a bad person when in reality you were shamed enough that you lower yourself to just do what people want or not to be alone eaven when you dont wanna

[@monwe8050]

u must be a female then 🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@levtieart3409]

@@monwe8050 soooo... Not wanting to be in abuse is "a female thing" And you act like its baf

[@freetory]

Do you even look good enough to be picky lol?

[@levtieart3409]

@@freetory ah yes looks are everything, because thats all that matters and gives you your worth And if your ugly you deserve to be abused and you cannot want to be in a healthy relationship with someone you want to be Imagine being this shallow as you As if people dont age or change looks over time

[@madnessoverload7824]

Being patient with yourself is the most important takeaway from this video. I learned this the hard way after many rejections and a couple of failed dates. I used to come off too strong towards the girls that i liked because i was so desperate for a relationship, and i still cringe at my former self. But since i stopped over-fixating on this aspect of my life and started focusing on other stuff, my virginity doesn't bother me as much. And for the first time in a while i'm starting to feel hopeful again. I've met this girl at a course that i'm taking and i was pleasantly surprised that i managed to maintain some casual, yet meaningful conversations with her. I plan to ask her out next week, and although my fear of rejection is slowly creeping up, i'm gonna be okay no matter the outcome. Some people just aren't gonna be attracted to you, and even when they are, that doesn't automatcally mean you're gonna click with them. Just because you've never had a relationship, that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.

[@DonRoyalX]

How’d it go?

[@madnessoverload7824]

@@DonRoyalX She said yes. Hope it goes well.

[@sirsurnamethefirstofhisnam7986]

@@madnessoverload7824 how was the date?

[@madnessoverload7824]

@@sirsurnamethefirstofhisnam7986 it went well, but she's not looking for a relationship atm so we're staying friends for now.

[@richardmccabe2392]

@@madnessoverload7824 still a win that you asked her out and said yes so well done! Just gotta look for a bit longer.

[@Synthacrat]

My issue is not even meeting people and conversing. It's literally finding people that are single. Every women I meet is either married / boyfriend, or not interested. Imagine that. I used to think it was me, but I am confident that it's not all 100% an issue with me. At some point, something has got to give.....

[@UhKimboze]

Man the comments on this video are spot on too. So many people putting into words things I was never sure how to talk about.

[@Balloonbot]

I was in this person's position, and did lose my virginity at 26, after years of thinking there was something wrong with me. However now at 32 - Im not exactly a casnova - but i've slept with a few women and none of them made me, at the core, feel better about myself. I may reflect back in order to drum up some temporary confidence, but everything is STILL seen through the lense of "loser". Before it was "you cant get laid" but now its "You've only been with X number of women, thats terrible for a guy your age". If i speak to women without much expectation or no actual intention of sleeping with them, things can go well - but as soon as that voice kicks in of "you should sleep with her" - i turn into that insecure teenager again. I have learned now that more women won't help me finally, but now i dont know how to deal with the shame. It feels like a step in the right direction though.

[@ponternal]

It's because you didn't have intimacy in your formative years

[@menschgebliebenergossenpar9213]

"Trust me bro, sex didnt fulfill me! I banged a couple of women and here I will give you my advice now, to a virgin who had none. Im a genius!"

[@BitterTast3]

I literally could have wrote this word for word.

[@growingoaks]

The average # of partners is 7 so realistically thats not too bad tbh man. The quality means more than quantity though. Ive slept with 7 different women and only a few of them felt truly special.

[@Leitis_Fella]

Seriously doubt that's the case. That seems assumptive and oversimplified to me. There could be other things causing OP to feel that way. I think people need to get a good sense of their identity and be comfortable in their own skin first -- if that involves sex, then okay. But clearly, sex hasn't solved OP's insecurities, so something else is going on here that doesn’t involve lack of intimacy

[@frostpst477]

The chop sticks was actually quite a good representation, you don’t need both sticks but it sure makes it much easier.

[@evanever]

"Well, you could always stab things with one but... [that's how serial killers are born]." was how I thought he'd end that analogy.

[@johnwalker1058]

I get the feeling that being a late virgin is like the social equivalent of the job paradox. In the job paradox, you can't build work experience until you've worked a job, but you can't get a job in the first place because nobody around you wants to hire someone with no prior work experience. With virginity, a person might be seen as "broken," "ugly," or "unlovable" until they finally manage to have sex with someone, but nobody apparently wants to have sex with a virgin. In both situations, the person can feel trapped in an infinite loop of hopeless helplessness.

[@southernslav94]

Catch 22

[@madamebkrt]

I was just saying this in another thread, lol. From the perspective of female virginity, but still - No one wants someone who has had many sexual partners, yet at the same time it's undesirable to be a virgin.

[@angelinacamacho8575]

i remember someone reacting to the movie the 40 yr old virgin and they summed it perfectly. andys virginity wasnt important to him but it was important to his friends. it wasnt about him getting laid or even wanting to do so it was more about how his friends felt about it. in the movie he doesnt feel pressured in to having sex until his friends tell him that there is something wrong with him being an adult virgin.

[@thebekgo1624]

I'm a late bloomer. I've completely missed out on high school since I've been academically inclined and having a girlfriend really wasn't my priority back then. I've always been socially awkward and weird and painfully unaware of it until college. In my freshman year in college, I was alone and I avoided any social interaction because of my growing insecurity and extreme lack of self-confidence. I was scrawny and sickly. The last semester of my freshman year ended and pandemic hit, I realized I was so focused on my academics and neglected my social life. I didn't make any significant connection with my classmate. So, I started reaching out to them next year. Made some few friends. I dabbled in dating and failed multiple times. I'm less socially awkward at this point but still extremely insecure about my virginity at 20. Hearing stories from my friends losing their virginity and them describing how it felt like, made me more insecure and I had really big chip in my shoulder. I was overcompensating at everything and I got really exhausted at some point. I started going into lots of dates, and failing all of them. So, I focused on improving myself. Started lifting weights, reading books, listening to a lot of self-help podcasts, meditating, reading books, journaling, basically all things that really helped me improve my holistic health. Then, I went out more, started talking to random strangers to expose myself and build up tolerance. Fast forward to senior year in college, I'm 23 at this point, I finally got a girlfriend for the first time and I lost my virginity last month, it was not as magical my friends made it out to be, lol. But it was good, I think I'm able to overcome my insecurity now and I feel really good about myself in general. My point is just to make small incremental progress, you'll fail many times but the experience will keep on piling, and just go for it.

[@arrow2380]

At this point defeating Ukraine single handedly sounds easier than getting a girlfriend lol

[@robert-uc4mf]

Good for you .... i did go to college at age of 24 still a virgin... and i left college a virgin and still am ! Im 40 now ... and i dont watch porn for some months now ... ( so i did overcome porn addiction... ) But im socialy active ... if you believe it or not Weird but true ... and i gonna be honest i thought about Payi g for sex with a atractive girl Many times but i never did go forward with it ...

[@squamish4244]

You're only 23, lol. I know in your teens and early 20s time goes by slowly and everything seems like a huge deal, but you look back like I do and you realize that it wasn't at all. I'm 44, it seems like a million years ago and what was the big deal back then anyway?

[@brody8857]

im happy for you man. im 27 and looking back it hurts me that i never tried to get into a relationship or lose my virginity when i was younger. i was so shy and introverted and i just never thought a woman would ever think twice about giving me the time of day. so i never tried to even talk to girls. and now today it just feels so hard to meet people. i see happy couples everywhere i look and i want to be happy for them but deep inside it burns me because ive never had that experience. im on dating apps but only have had a couple first dates thats it. i just dont have the confidence and social skills to be comfortable in big social settings. maybe one day after ive been working on myself and leveling up my career someone will just appear in my life but who knows at this point.

[@MrRocksW]

You think 23 is a late bloomer? Lol

[@thedigitaldummy3098]

The part where he mentions never dating in high school really got to me. I went to an all boys catholic school yet everyone in my cohort seemed to have no issue finding a partner. I went to every school dance and formal alone and there was only one man I knew who did the same as he’s a close friend of mine. I just want to know how. I’d ask others how and they’d say to get on social media and while I acknowledge that my vehement opposition to doing so probably had an effect, there has to be more. I feel like I’ve been kneecapped but I didn’t even get to see what actually broke my knees.

[@spookd8700]

I agree with the whole social media thing, I don't want to meet a profile, I want to meet a person.

[@anntakamaki1960]

Went to a Catholic boys only school and everybody had a partner 🤔 🤔

[@johnk6757]

Bro you literally have your answer and won't accept it. I was afraid to use social media for years and I regret it big time

[@ykonratev]

Yeah bro it's very simple girls arent attracted to you. If you're not workout out and eating a perfectly clean diet nothing will ever change you'll be complaining about the same thing in 20 years

[@someone-ji2zb]

Majority of male teens now days don't go on a date during high school. I was 2002-2006 and even back then I would say around 40% of the guys actually were interested enough to pursue at that time. Those who did got with as many girls as humanly possible due to every girl wanting to date.

[@Dietpepsiahh]

I'm a 40(M) virgin and have never understood how or why it's shameful. Sure, people have called me names, have tried to insult me but it doesn't work. Really it's more annoying than anything else when people try to weaponize it against me, because it never works. I don't advertise it or anything, I can count on one hand the number of times it has been brought up in conversation and never by me.

[@manosijroy8282]

Did you have a gf before? I am a guy who turned 22 almost 9 weeks ago and never had a girlfriend and its bothering me so much. I use dating apps but hardly any matches. I got matched with 2 girls 2 weeks ago. One is 18 and another one is 20 turning 21 in April but no plan of first date or anything. I had crush on 2 girls in my college few months ago but both rejected me. I do follow and chat with some girls on Instagram whom I knew in my school days and they are all 19-22 age range and I started chatting with this girl for 4 days who was my junior in my school days. Now she is 20 about to be 21 after 4 months and we only sent virtual hugs to each other today but she only sees me as a friend so idk whether I have chance with her or not

[@someone-ji2zb]

The answer is simple. If too many people chose to never procreate, then society and humankind itself collapses. The reason for looking down on lifelong virgins (who are expect to remain virgins) is because is it safe to assume they failed. That may not be the case, but if you don't want the stigma then you need to be of value as a single man. If you are just the run of the mill dude who is slightly overweight, makes low income, plays video games 2+ hours a day, and you lack the desire for family.... then what are you? I've met older virgins before who were loved by many, because they were still capable of leading when necessary. They were men. The issue with most older virgins is that they are not acting like a man should. They are too docile, they lack leadership skills (this by default happens when you deal with women), and they are just along for the ride on the backs of other people. This might not apply to you, but there are countless others that it does apply to, and that is why it is frowned upon. But as mentioned, you can be a man that is loved by other people despite being a virgin... also, why do people know you are a virgin?

[@squamish4244]

@@manosijroy8282 You're 22. Just take it easy.

[@manosijroy8282]

@@squamish4244 yeah but my birthday isn't too far. It's in December just 3 days before Christmas and I will turn 23 that day so it's scary.

[@squamish4244]

@@manosijroy8282 Don't sweat it. 23 is nothing. Nothing! I've got 20 years and endless mental health and addiction issues on you. Ambulances. Hospitalizations. $200k worth of treatments. Huge drama and family turmoil. Many opportunities blown. I get it. I remember being your age too. But you lack perspective. It's not your fault, because you are only 22. But when I say take it easy on yourself, I mean it. Just keep up consistent effort, and you'll meet someone.

[@haw-chaw-chawcalypse]

38, male virgin. It honestly feels like internal rot. Past the early twenties it feels as if the proverbial “cherry” begins to corrupt every channel in the body, rendering it leprous once you’ve arrived at thirty. I’m fit, possess a graduate degree, working a stable smart-guy job in education, but it all feels like a system of diminishing returns. I could’ve given it up for women to whom I was not attracted or didn’t feel a connection, but what would that do for either of us? At this point, i’m convinced that it might never happen. And while I have sunk so much into therapy, self-improvement, and independence, the window emits much less light than it once did.

[@musicplug1730]

why dont you go see an escort? Once you realized sex isnt as important as you think it will be better

[@alphachrome713]

I've struggled a lot with this stuff. I'm only 20, but throughout my life in school and college I've felt like I'm lagging behind a lot compared to other people, and all my attempts to even get a female friend have failed. I have a lot of difficulty maintaining friendships in person - I think my autism is likely to blame here but since I'm "normal enough" most of the time, I don't think that's an excuse I can rely on anymore. Every single interaction I have with other people feels either fake or forced, which makes being able to have any kind of social bond very troublesome, especially in a world where unspoken norms and rules are built around a completely different pattern of thinking to mine. I've never kissed a girl. I've never been on a date. I've tried but failed multiple times. The closest I've ever felt is being accepted as a person who isn't an asshole, and being tolerated at best by others. Online chats don't help either, because none of them feel genuine either. They don't care about me at all; they care about the words on a screen. If they met me in person, they wouldn't give me the support and intimacy they claim they would, because it's easy to assume that you'll never actually meet them.

[@astk5214]

buy a who're

[@ShippoIsCute18]

Autism is autism. No matter if your needs are “only” level 1 (previously known as high functioning), that doesn’t mean you don’t have social challenges related to your autism. Unfortunately things like socializing and talking to people are always going to feel rather alien and awkward. After all, you wouldn’t blame a person in a wheelchair for not being able to walk. So not only have you not meet these milestones set by your peers but you also have a huge disadvantage. Trying to downplay your disabilities and attempting to be “almost normal” will eventually lead to burn out. A lot of the advise in this video is rather good but does not focus on someone with Autism. I know that the thought of talking to people in a party is such a foreign concept. Small talk is not something I like, understand, or wish to engage with, especially not in a loud, crowded, smelly, and overly stimulating environment like a party. I’m 10 years older than you and already did the whole college party and attempts to socialize. It never felt natural to me either. I did, however, gain friendships through mutual interests and came to terms that it will take me longer to form connections. There are many Autistic people with partners and fulfilling relationships. Work with what you have, improve what you can, and acknowledge your limitations.

[@kalle5548]

I'm the same age as you, and I've struggled a lot, I don't have any diagnosis (probably mostly because I've never tested for it), recently I've found success in the most random way possible, the thing I found is that if a person isn't right for me, no matter my skills, self improvement ex... it wouldn't work out. I kinda stopped trying and gave up, not really working out and stuff. Recently, I accidentally stumbled across a girl on a friend's snapchat account, and we just clicked, super natural. I'm 99.9% sure the problem isn't you. You just haven't had time to find the right partner yet. Don't stress about finding a partner since you have plenty of time, and if she is right for you, she won't care about a lack of experience. Plenty of girls our age are also virgin and have a lack of experience, some of them really pretty. Good luck, my fellow human

[@Augustus_Imperator]

it's not just about the chat, even in reral life, no one really cares about anyone else but themselves, they just can mask it very well

[@ranusmagnus656]

It is (at least partially) about age. The older you are, the more time you had to miss milestones. Which probably leads to having missed more of them. On the other hand, you had more time to work it out. I am 40. And I (more or less) did exactly what you propose. For about 15 years now. It did help. In some ways. I can enter a stage and speak to a thousand people without preparation, or stand in the middle of a kitchen and laugh with a few party guests. I can even talk to total strangers out on the street and still feel good. I don't feel shame. It's not a secret, I can talk freely about my problem and there are quite some people who know about it. But it still hurts. Feeling left out, devalued. No one (that's sadly not an exaggeration) ever treated my as if I was / am desirable (in a sexual or romantic context!). That really hurts. And the longer it hurts, the more it hurts.

[@manosijroy8282]

Do I still have some time at 22 or is it late too? I am a guy who turned 22 just 4 weeks ago and never had a girlfriend before and its kinda bothering me a lot. I use dating apps but rarely get matches by some 18-23 age girls who ends up ghosting or unmatching me for no reason. I do chat with some girls on Instagram whom I knew in high school and they are all 20-22 year olds. I am having a very good chat with a girl who was 2 years my junior in our school days. Now she is 20 and I had the best chat with her for the past 3 days compared to any other girl who lives in my city. But I also like another girl who was my childhood friend when we were in elementary school in 2008-2011. Now she is 21 and only 5-6 months younger than me but we hardly chat much on IG as she doesn't reply to my last message for a week or 2.

[@scythermantis]

@@manosijroy8282 Stay off of dating apps. They are terrible. Instead try to find some sort of interest group; whether it's bouldering/rock climbing, jogging, co-ed volleyball or soccer or tennis, maybe basketball, etc. ... even if it is just dudes, make friends, some of them will have sisters or female friends etc. build authentic relationships in the real world bound by some sort of common activity. If you aren't into sports, look for shops where they play board games or TCG's etc., or maybe look into conventions, cosplay, etc. You'll thank me later. ALSO ALWAYS get girls to introduce you to THEIR FEMALE FRIENDS as much as is possible.

[@iHateGenZweebs]

​@@manosijroy8282I wouldn't be surprised if you're not already in a relationship rn. So long as you're talking to girls and not just trying to use them for sex, it'll prob work out. At 22 tho, that's pretty normal. Like it feels like you're super late to the game but you're not. Especially for your generation.

[@Daniel-nl3ug]

It's really sad to hear that you're experiencing that pain. I think your sentence that "No one ever treated me as if I was desirable" is a bit dangerous because of what Dr. K says at 12:43 and what he said a lot about how having a negative self image can carry over into a vicious cycle (not trying to say that this is simple to fix). I imagine that it is likely that there have been people who found you desirable and either felt too nervous / insecure to do display it in any way, or displayed it in a way that you didn't notice / forgot about - or maybe your brain tricked you into believing an alternative explanation for their actions. But I know that that doesn't stop you from feeling pain which was the main part of your message. You didn't mention it in your message so I thought it was worth mentioning that it's probably worth considering paying for some professional help with processing what exactly causes the pain (it sounds like you're quite aware but maybe a professional might find help you realise something more subtle / surprising) and maybe finding out what could be done about it. Anyway I hope you have a happy and fulfilling life and I hope you are able to resolve this pain eventually.

[@Daniel-nl3ug]

@@scythermantis that sounds like good advice but I'm not sure whether you need to be so against dating apps. At least I know that for my sister (and her boyfriend), they used some dating app to meet and managed to get a nice relationship out of it. I think they started off spending time together through a shared interest in video games and now they spend lots of time doing gardening stuff together (in a house they bought together).

[@realSpook]

This video is a Godsend for me. I can apply it to anything in life that I felt behind on and it addresses one of my main life issues. I can't stop smiling because I found this video. Thanks doc.