THESE Are The Surprising Traits That Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Styles Are Attracted To

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In this video, Thais Gibson explores 6 traits that the dismissive avoidant attachment style (avoidant attachment style) is attracted to. Watch now to find out what these 6 traits as Thais provides some insight and useful tips.
To learn more, explore the transformative course, "How To Master The Dating Stage of Relationships", for powerful tools you can begin using immediately on your journey!
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:00:41 - What Is Dismissive Avoidant?
00:01:58 - Trait #1: Empathy
00:02:56 - Trait #2: Attunement
00:03:39 - Trait #3: Supportiveness
00:04:13 - Trait #4: Emotional Availability
00:05:53 - 7-Day Free Trial: How To Master The Dating Stage of Relationships
00:06:27 - Trait #5: Acceptance
00:07:50 - Trait #6: Supports Need for Freedom and Autonomy
00:08:20 - Conclusion
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[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Do you agree with these? Would you add any?

[@anewlifestirring]

Yes, the DA has decided to remain undecided, and ideally would keep everyone in reach just in case of need, but each at a safe distance. Taking a decision, moving on is an amputation, a fear of loss.

[@alexblainelayter7703]

They're not that surprising. DAs want the parental, unconditional love they never had as children without having the skills to be in a reciprocal adult relationship.

[@r_and_a]

*all* insecure attachment styles *both* want what they lacked as children *&* lack the skills to be in "a reciprocal adult relationship" - hence the whole point of pds to help *all* better understand how to how heal their childhood wounds, understand others & develop better skills

[@alexblainelayter7703]

@@r_and_a Sure but this video is about DAs and the traits they are attracted to.

[@r_and_a]

@@alexblainelayter7703 well aware what it is hence responded to your comment reinforcing core DA issues of being "defective," etc with traits from the video like acceptance & empathy for DAs who might see this

[@alexblainelayter7703]

​ @r_and_a I see you've been active in the comments and I applaud your good intentions and efforts. However, as someone who leans DA I consider ​it unhelpful to minimise or relativise the systemic problems DAs have with relating and the effect this has one their partners. Like you, I also consider it problematic to demonise and write off people based on their attachment style but it's not really in question that hurt people hurt people, and the sooner someone acknowledges their own areas of improvement honestly they can start the work. My comment was entirely factual. Acceptance starts with accepting oneself, flaws and all - if someone is not yet in a place to show compassion to themselves, no comment on the internet will make a difference, in my view. I'd say some DAs might (and I emphasise 'might') find this patronising because they are fully developed intellectually, the struggle is emoting. But your energy and time are your own and you are welcome to spend them in any way you like, as are we all. At least the comment section shows that we're all passionate about healing our attachment wounds.

[@ashton1952]

​@@alexblainelayter7703entirely factual based on your opinion and own experience 🤷🏼‍♀️ not all DA are kids in relationships, that's a bit much of a strong declaration. Qualified therapist? Ok so interview each one of us individually, gather enough evidence and then claim as a fact.

[@drivesanoldcar]

Dead on. Where is this dream person who would put up with all my flaws while being perfection themselves? thank you

[@abes2758]

I don’t know why I laughed at this 😂 it does seem that way when dating an DA. Bless them!

[@amandaharris7205]

The title should say "temporarily attracted to" 🤷‍♀️

[@r_and_a]

given the experience thais has with countless couples from her private practice plus DA students in pds as well as her *own* partnership, think i'll trust she knows what she's talking about rather than a random commenter 🤷

[@amandaharris7205]

@@r_and_a I agree!! And she has also said that the same qualities that attract the DA early on (and the other insecure attachment styles as well) are generally the same ones that annoy them later on in the relationship.

[@r_and_a]

@@amandaharris7205 she has said that's true *if* they don't work on trait integration so *again* idk why you'd presume to "correct" the title that was selected

[@amandaharris7205]

@@r_and_a you ok?

[@nickskywalker2568]

It often happens that the exact traits that attracted us (general, not just DA) at the beginning ends up repelling us, that usually happen when we haven't integrated some of these traits ourselves. So what you're saying will probably be true for DA that don't work on their attachment, but it is not a generality.

[@MuzikAficionado]

You give a bucket full of all these attributes, including freedom and autonomy (as that's what FAs require too), but you still won't get any of it reciprocrated back from a DA as they take it for granted! They expect you to fill their cup, but they think it's your job to keep your own cup full and not expect them to fill yours too. They are like a climb that leaves the tree that supports it, hollow and barren! Relationships require give and take, not just take & take, which DAs tend to do to suck out all your love, and leave you exhausted and unfulfilled, and hence resentful! If you gather the will to address the conflict without any blame-game, they'll still blame you for everything - both their actions and your reactions! Your concerns will always be yours. Even if in a married relationship, they don't even think of you and them as "we" to plan life together with you. They will have a plan for their life, and would expect you to tag along without question, but not as an equal partner, just as an assistent to feed their life's needs and be happy with your service. They tend to have narcissistic tendencies as well. You'd be extremely lucky if they come around to develop themselves and heal their insecurities, so recognize their patterns and steer clear until they've done the work on themselves!

[@ashton1952]

- "they expect you to fill their cup...not fill yours too" = narc; - "suck out all your love, leave you exhausted" = emotional vampire and or narc; not typical DA; - "if you address the conflict.." = it's NARCS esp. FA-style narcs that thrive off conflict, pick fight, narcs love the drama. DA's are way more CONFLICT avoiding than anyone else; in fact DA's AVOID conflict like the plague; [NARCs LoVE Conflict] - " blame you for everything" = huge and obvious NARC trait that; - "they will have a plan for their life and would expect you to tag along.. assistant to feed their life's needs... your service..." = Narc, everything revolves around them; - "they tend to have narcissistic tendencies as well." = Well now fancy that! 😂; That's because you're describing a narcissist here. Please do see the videos which explain the differences; us DA's are here because we're aware of being not secure attached and are trying to improve. Please stop confusing us with narcs , it makes people feel bad who are genuinely here trying to learn, plus it confuses all the other folks too. This is not helping anyone, so please, take the time to find out the clear differences.

[@ashton1952]

@Muzik 1) "They expect you to fill their cup, but they think it's your job to keep your own cup full and not expect them to fill yours too" = this is a narcissist; 2) "hollow and barren" = narcissists are generally empty shells/personas; 3) ''tend to do to suck out all your love, and leave you exhausted and unfulfilled," = emotional vampire and or narc: 4) "If you gather the will to address the conflict" = Narc, especially the ones who are FA's, because they like conflict, cause fights, they like drama. On the other hand, DA's are conflict avoidant, actually DA's avoid conflict like the plague; 5) ''they'll still blame you for everything'' = probably the most obvious narc trait out there, besides victim mentality; 6) ''plan for their life, and would expect you to tag along without question, but not as an equal partner, just as an assistant to feed their life's needs and be happy with your service" = narcissist , because everything revolves around them; 7) " if they come around to develop themselves'' = never been seen before in a true narc. My dear you've described a narcissist very well. This is not a DA, please take the time to watch the videos which describe the differences, they're clear when you know what to look out for.

[@abes2758]

They require you to fill their cup but require you to fill your own! This is so true. Definitely not perfect over here but dating a DA was by far one of the most emotionally challenging situations I’ve ever been in and I’m in my early 40’s and that was the first (and hopefully last time) I’ve ever come across a DA. We all have healing to do Christ knows I do , but no amount of patience, love , space was ever enough. I honestly didn’t know what to do by the end.

[@michellejf777]

Well said.

[@Abba-dabba-doo]

DAs =/= narcissists. This doesn't sound DA

[@trinaija]

About the last part…the problem is they are not investing enough into relationships. Only into themselves.

[@r_and_a]

depends on the DA & other person's definition of "enough," i find *often* people overlook &/or minimize *how* a DA invests in the relationship (myself included at times) as thais has said, a DA isn't likely to write a spontaneous love poem but will probably ensure you never run out of your favorite ice cream - if that's not "enough," that's a *personal* mismatch not a "defect" in the DA afaik DAs have the *highest* course completion rate in pds & thais has *repeatedly* shared how well they tend to respond to different things which has been my experience, too being "wrong" for a particular person, or even different types having fairly common pitfalls like the anxious-avoidant trap, doesn't mean *either* is necessarily inherently "wrong" in general

[@ashton1952]

@trinaija anyone can be like that, regardless of their attachment style. It can be painful to see things wrong with yourself and admit it, especially if you can't see how to fix it either.

[@Loveisallyouneed77]

everyone's love language is so different; D.A's love language is doing stuff for you... and i felt very special ... yes they rarely are expressive but I'd rather be shown love than told.

[@Luis913Barroeta]

Acceptance is CRITICAL to DA's so others don't touch their "I am defective" core wound most DA's possess

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

true! ❤

[@angelnieves-ch7kn]

Can a need in acceptance be rooted in a I am defective wound?

[@eileendom5858]

I’m FA and my issue with the DA was inconsistency. His independence and autonomy would be sudden without notice. Like he would change his work hours or off days to have time for himself. He wouldn’t tell me it was going to happen until it happened. I would tell him to please tell me in advance so I can make other plans. Even when he would want to go on a trip. It was always so last minute from one day to the next.

[@sethtenrec]

Changing plans and not telling you about it is totally consistent with DA. Provides opportunities to avoid you. Voila!

[@ashton1952]

@@sethtenrec makes sense to make last minute plans then; and so avoid disappointing anyone or looking inconsistent. My DA guy is like that. I don't mind but I've had to say I've already made plans with friends some times

[@LeeChrissy]

​@@ashton1952 same. My 1st cycle with my DA ex, he wanted everything last minute and I'd be pissed, but that was on me for waiting around for him. Then once I started pouring back into myself, by our next cycle I made plans with friends whenever and when he asked to see me I was either available or I wasn't. Once I started doing that, he actually started asking a week in advance to make plans for the following weekend. I pretty much had to learn to put myself first and he had to learn that I wasn't on stand by. Lol

[@ashton1952]

@@LeeChrissy High emotional intelligence you have; very skillfully got under his radar and took back some of the power to keep a balance, if only more people could see how to do this. Thanks for sharing

[@nannyboo9832]

omg yes

[@sifublack192]

As a DA, I can attest to this. I remember when I started getting closer to a female friend of mine after my previous breakup. I started to develop attraction toward her and didn't know why. After some introspection, I essentially came up with this list.

[@cory8760]

Disappointing to think you found someone but it was just limerance because they made me feel seen and accepted. Good luck out there.

[@denisebooker4074]

With all due respect, I feel you have first-hand experience with some DA’s willing to do the work whereas the rest of us know & have been in relationships with DA’s that will NEVER do the work. And with people over age 40’or 50 it’s very low. I’m guessing 95% never.

[@seapeajones]

That's true about most people about most things.

[@cristinaalvarez6822]

I am all of these things, a caring, nuturing nurse....i am drained. He sucked the life out of me from giving and giving.

[@jiji_arra]

Best video on DA’s I’ve ever seen. Thank you so much Thais. As an FA partner to a DA this is so meaningful.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Glad you liked this...good luck!

[@user-mo2sg2vj3s]

An unhealed DA is a whole lot of pain… I never felt satisfied and no matter what I suggested to grow feeling more safe and closer, he avoided big time. It was all about him. Don’t waste your time and heart.

[@LeeChrissy]

You know, the triggers my ex DA brought out in me were all things that were hidden in the dark that needed to be addressed. Now that I've healed a lot of my triggers, I look back at my past relationship and hold zero resentment. We were both unhealed and just being ourselves. I now meet my own needs and don't rely on anyone else to fill those voids. We ended on an amicable note and with all the tools I've learned with PDS, I guarantee it would be a much healthier relationship if we ever tried again. We have to heal our own stuff and take accountability too. ❤

[@r_and_a]

*any* unhealed person *can* be a "whole lot of pain" 💜 i'm sorry for your apparently *singular* bad experience with a DA still advising others "don't waste your time & heart" on an *entire* attachment style seems quite cruel & uncalled for imo

[@user-mo2sg2vj3s]

@@r_and_a it’s my opinion and experience. It was a waste of time for me if he didn’t want to do the work. 8 months to be exact. Please recognize that this is typing on social media platforms. If anyone is following my opinion as the gold standard, that’s an issue in itself. No need to jump to conclusions. Please try to chill a bit.

[@user-mo2sg2vj3s]

@@LeeChrissy me too. I grew fast and he simply did not want to. White knuckling it in fear. He loves me, won’t let me go and doesn’t want to be with me. I am sure he would not mind wasting years of my life for when he finally feels ready to face his fears. It’s ok… that’s his baggage and I have to let go. I will not date a DA again, especially one not willing to self reflect and take accountability.

[@r_and_a]

@@user-mo2sg2vj3s please recognise this is typing on a video from "the *personal* development school" where *it has been requested comments be kind & supportive* as it's a place for *all* to work on healing not just venting about others i said *0* to contradict or "jump to conclusions" about your personal experience, simply noted how cruel & uncalled for it seemed to advise *all others* "don't waste your time & heart" on an *entire* attachment style, especially based on such limited experience

[@she-surrendered1234]

Hi Thais! So I’m FA and I noticed something crazy today. Lol. I was on the phone with my favorite cousin who I love unconditionally. He and I have such a forgiving and carefree and nonjudgmental and supportive relationship. Today we were on the phone and he put the phone down while I was talking and walked away from the phone and completely forgot that I was on the phone. Lol. He stayed away from the phone for at least five minutes talking to his wife and came back and told me he forgot I was there. If that was my DA boyfriend, I would have had a WHOLE conniption. 😂 I would have spiraled telling myself all kinds of stories and my wounds would have been wide awake but with my cousin, it genuinely didn’t bother me AT ALL. How can I reach that point with my DA? Genuinely unbothered, genuine unconditional love, genuine supportive connection… How to balance NOT “seeking” to gain in that weird unhealthy codependent way but also having healthy expectations…

[@r_and_a]

fellow FA commenting mostly as want to see what other responses you get as also interested in such tips 💜

[@msgirl01]

Do you think that over time as you build consistency and he builds consistency that you will eventually reach that? Do you think you're more accepting because you're not interested in having a full-time everyday relationship with him. It what would be easier to tolerate these things if you knew it wasn't something you have to deal with everyday.

[@ashton1952]

@she-surrendered Healing, self-love, inner work, holistic therapy helps a lot. You already seem to have good self awareness. Letting go of the stress, accepting and knowing you can't change someone else.. I believe DA's get won over when we see the person is not trying to control us. The effort needs to come from the partner too, of course but in the meantime do what you can, and that's doing things for you

[@mesCheerios]

You've had a life of your cousin showing up so you believe in them not abandoning you. I guess one thing you can do is work on your core wounds, which in this case seems to be abandonment. "I am connected " or "i am loved" or "i am wanted"

[@ferpc0394]

There is also that sense of security that your cousin will be there no matter what. That’s different with romantic partners. I am AP, and I have a friend that is very affectionate and caring. Sometimes to the point that suffocates me that I need to have some space. Whenever I text her and she takes days to reply, it’s ok because I know she is busy and has a life of her own. I also know that she loves me and we are in each other’s lives for no matter what. My boyfriend is a DA, if he text me and doesn’t use the usual emojis my alarm system already starts to go off, let alone if he takes hours to reply. Why can’t I apply the same mindset that I have with my friend in my relationship with my boyfriend? Rationally I know that he is living his life and doing his things, and taking some time to reply is not a big deal, after a, we are not glued to the phone the time. However, emotionally I’m in constant fear if there is something wrong or if he will quit the relationship. And I know he has the choice and freedom to walk out. It’s so draining for the both of us. That’s why I’m working on my core wound of abandonment and self abandonment, but it also helped to understand my why reactions are different - and that’s because there is a sense of security that the person (friend or family) won’t walk out on me 😊

[@waterlilynymph]

Now this makes sense how my DA fell in love with me as he said and said I am the best woman in the world to him-I did all of this and it’s all part of my personality naturally, so we worked well together over long distance building an emotional bond for two years. BUT he still won’t work with me to start to create a life together and I fear time is running out for him since I started dating others without a commitment from him at a long distance. There are no plans shared on how he plans to marry me while he disappears for days or just surprises me with a visit without any great execution as he sees his friends first and then misses his opportunity with me since I have plans and am learning to not break them for him. I guess even after you do all this for them and they still are afraid to get real in a relationship with someone, you just have to walk away and pray they grow, heal and change before you move on.

[@roshalllambert]

Very accurate as always!! The last ones were the best!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@Karne8]

hi Thais great video as always. Could you go over some tips on what to do or what a DA experiences when feeling resentment towards their partner?

[@ontherocks89]

To sum it up: they expect mummy/daddy figure who also functions as their therapist, without offering much back. Unless they’re willing to do some reparenting and work on themselves, I’m out. The main issue is that they are avoiding feeling their feelings, so in my experience, they’re less likely than anxiously attached people to work on this dynamic. How can you build emotional intimacy with someone that isn’t intimate with themselves? (Rhetorical question)

[@Lisa-ip4ji]

This video explains a lot for me. ♥️

[@Keffin1]

Great video Thais. Would love to see a video on how to make a DA and AP relationship work.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/sHvQdWN3jM2CoNU

[@Trashytreasure]

Thank you ❤

[@chrisw9399]

I always felt I was targeted by the DA but everyone said ‘it is always two people’s fault’. Yeah as far as not seeing through the charm. Kind people be very careful, that switch into resentment can be brutal

[@angelabutron5054]

Thais sharing our secrets 😅👀

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@user-tz1hl3pf2w]

@angelabutron5054 are we to stop expressing warmth and empathy? I honestly don’t know what to do. Also, should I wish him a Happy Valentine’s Day, or is that too much? We haven’t spoken in days.

[@angelabutron5054]

​@user-tz1hl3pf2w what would be the kindest thing you could do for yourself? It's a rhetorical question, I don't need an answer. Good luck.

[@user-tz1hl3pf2w]

@@angelabutron5054 I would LOVE for him to wish me a happy Valentine’s Day! Just as much I would like to wish him same. He won’t find a more compassionate heart! But if he has enmeshment fears, I think that’s a very logical question to ask one who is more knowledgeable than me in these matters. Don’t want to push him further away.😢And the warmth and empathy question is in response to Thais’ observations. Happy Valentine’s Day to u.

[@angelabutron5054]

@user-tz1hl3pf2w Personally, I feel more drawn back in when someone seems more assured of themselves and less dependent on me. If someone shows they can care for themselves at least some of the time, then I'm less afraid of feeling enmeshed.

[@mdmcpherson8574]

Attracted to it for the first 3 months, then triggered and activated by it, generally speaking

[@fabi5526]

The thing with dA is they have to want to hear you out and want to change on their own otherwise everything you say will go in one ear and out the other

[@r_and_a]

seems true of people in general

[@michellejf777]

Agree

[@rachhhh9722]

What about if you are in a relationship with a DA and you have all these traits and give them these things at the beginning but after a long time give up and stop being attuned , empathetic etc towards them ? How does that change the dynamic or affect them ? I feel like in my case it made us both as distant as each other but made it easier for me to cope with the relationship.

[@swarovskikris1]

I totally understand this as it’s been my experience. My thoughts….who wants to stay in a relationship where you feel like you have to cope with it. Pass!!

[@rachhhh9722]

@@swarovskikris1 "who wants to stay in a relationship you have to cope with " that actually sounds really bad when you think of it that way.

[@swarovskikris1]

I actually did the work through PDS. Started with myself then began with learning about his attachment style. He hasn’t changed and what’s happened for me is as I have healed it’s made him so much less attractive. I have boundaries now that he didn’t respect. I learned how to communicate effectively when we both weren’t triggered and expressed my needs. He couldn’t handle it, and it feels good to be so secure that walking away was easier than i expected. Being a woman though I likely mourned and began detaching long before I ended it. Now I know so much more and I’ll never put myself in that situation again. I vet men now. DAs aren’t relationship oriented.

[@GeoffreyAngapa]

Insightful, as always. With respect to traits that lead to resentment down the line, another part of the puzzle is that every trait comes with tradeoffs. In the early stages, we mainly see the good side of those qualities. Later, we find that those traits have another side too. The trouble with people is that they want opposing qualities in the same person. For example, some are drawn to the distant lone wolf, but are puzzled when the lone wolf has dynamics too. I would wager that if the latter became their perfect partner, they'd lose interest over time.

[@marriagecausesdivorce7540]

It is difficult to make an anxious person happy. Especially if they are addicted to drama and chaos. Some anxious people need this narcisstic supply to feel alive.

[@GeoffreyAngapa]

​@@marriagecausesdivorce7540 I agree. Indeed, in this day and age, it's hard to make anyone happy.

[@ManWithGoodHands]

Problem is that these are all traits of someone who is secure and the exact OPPOSITE of a DA and there’s no chance that they can return any of these healthy ways of showing love. A DA will hurt someone like this over and over again

[@ashton1952]

Don't agree, don't know what your experiences have been with who (FA/AA/DA styles or narcs/other disorders- they get mixed up all the time) but as a DA who has dated DA's I can say there are those among us who are empaths. We don't always know how to express it in words, but can pick up on our partner's feelings before they've said anything. The problems come in when someone tries to control, or "stabs" us with criticizing, can't appreciate that we don't retaliate and take it in order to keep the peace, doesn't see the good we do because it's not in their "language" and everything gets out of balance and creates an unhappy cycle, like one upsetting the other. Everyone with insecure attachment needs to heal and apply self love, it's the way out of that cycle.

[@anewlifestirring]

Very helpful points. It so happens that when a DA meets and benefits from such a person, the next step is to feel indebted and resentful for what they feel as a loss of their autonomy and independence. There is something of an adolescent’s behaviour here: being able to benefit from the parent’s support nearby whilst not losing their independence. Could this characterise a Peter Pan / Wendy relationship?

[@r_and_a]

miss the final trait, "supports need for freedom"? agree DAs often resent feeling indebted *if* the person with the other traits expects they'll sacrifice "autonomy & independence" "it so happens" there is something of a mature mindset here: each being able to benefit from a relationship without becoming enmeshed or codependent

[@anewlifestirring]

@@r_and_a yes, definitely a win-win relationship to be attained if the DA does not sabotage it all too soon

[@r_and_a]

​@@anewlifestirring *or* if the *other person* doesn't sabotage it - the DA is *not* the *only* one at fault *all* the time! i've done *lots* to "sabotage" my relationship with a DA who keeps coming back as i keep working on myself see *endless* comments on these videos where people proclaim they did *everything* yet don't even appear to consider that often their "everything" comes with strings attached &/or isn't what was *actually* wanted

[@anewlifestirring]

@@r_and_a I am not talking of a fault but about reciprocating a human relationship. At one point someone might become dissatisfied with the relationship and leave or force the other to leave.

[@r_and_a]

@@anewlifestirring "a win-win relationship to be attained *if the DA does not sabotage it* all too soon" sure sounds like you're attributing "fault" to the DA *especially* after the rather patronizing comparison to the DA being an adolescent & their partner being the parent seems if talking about a "reciprocating human relationship" it'd be obvious *either* party can "sabotage" a relationship as i noted so wouldn't respond by reinforcing a narrative the DA is usually the one to blame

[@kodeh7931]

Doc, u know, I’ve been wondering what type style you are yourself. You look like an avoidant to me. They tend to be very pretty.

[@ketosisweightloss9480]

As someone who has severe dismissive avoidant attachment style to a point where i avoid relationships at all cost, I vant help but notice the hatred so many other insecure attachment styles have towards DAs. And it's not just in your videos but in many videos I've watched regarding healing this attachment. Is this victimhood a part of the anxious attachment style? All i see is woah it's me, this narcs, they're a lost cause blah blah blah. The same thing that made me a DA was the same thing that made you Anxious. ABUSE! ! We may have traits that resemble a narc, but so do all insecure attachment styles. Anxious included, from their excessive need for validation, to their controlling nature, not forgetting their need to live in your skin as their partner, which feel like the love bombing from a narc. We are all doing our best. I would love to know, how does a DA go about feeling their emotions. I've tried meditation but i can't seem to access my emotions. I can feel sensations in my body mostly the shoulders and back. But i can't feel emotional even in situations where i should. I cant afford therapy right now.

[@aaronsinspirationdaily4896]

I can give a secure perspective. I don’t hate DA’s, they just have no qualities I desire in a loving relationship and a whole bunch I do not want to be exposed to. In addition, it appears DA’s are the least likely to meaningfully seek or complete change. Although I do think FA’s are often the same. Many of the traits DA’s and FA’s do seem to align heavily with NPD and BPD. I have compassion for these, but I have no desire to be romantically involved. Often they don’t know or don’t reveal they are DA or FA. Which really sucks for any potential partner, secure or otherwise.

[@ketosisweightloss9480]

@@aaronsinspirationdaily4896 I can understand anyone who wishes not to engage in a relationship with people who have an insecure attachment style. I think the misunderstanding of the DA attachment comes from the fact that most of us don't open up and share our perspective from the fear of being a burden to others. What I don't get is most people in the comments section can't seem to have grace for this attachment style. DA attachment style is born in narcissistic families where we were exploited as kids, just like FA is mostly born form a caregiver with BPD or issues like domestic abuse. And in terms of seeking help, I bet to disagree, most insecure attachment styles are not likely to seek help until they become aware of their toxic patterns. My awareness as a DA came about after I realised I would move to a different universe just to have peace of mind. This is the main reason I avoid relationships, I don't want to end up with an anxious partner because once their wounds are triggered they become the most chaotic and dramatic people. I prefer to heal before getting in a relationship. I think it's easy to detect a DA even at the beginning of a relationship, we don't like texting or long ass phonecalls, we are very slow to open up. We can appear secretive like we lead a double life, after a date we may avoid you for a day or two to recharge. We self isolate especially when stressed. I think if you know what to look for you'll never feel tricked.

[@maralinautube]

@ketosisweightloss9480 We hear what you're saying, yet we are EXPRESSING OUR EXPERIENCE! Yes I agree, most can be more tactful in their venting. For US that were in a relationship w/DA, it's the STUBBORNNESS when Constructive Criticism is taken as a PERSONAL ATTACK. It's not just the STUBBORNNESS, but COUPLED with NPD traits of Gaslighting, Deflecting, & Projecting thus causes US to be in an endless Emotional Rollercoaster w/a DA!😪🫣🤦🏾‍♀️

[@r_and_a]

@@aaronsinspirationdaily4896 thais has repeatedly noted DAs are the *least* likely to have NPD, *plenty* of AT professionals have highlighted the *fundamental* differences between the two *&* DAs have the *highest* completion rate with pds so it appears your understanding is *severely* lacking

[@r_and_a]

@@ketosisweightloss9480 agree with your initial comment & reply. i'm an FA but most of my close relationships (romantic & otherwise) have been with DAs partly as they're the *least* likely to have NPD which i'm *very* wary of as both grew up with & had partners with NPD so get why some might misinterpret some DA traits that are *superficially* similar to narcissists but come from fundamentally dlfferent places with pretty much opposite motivations i also get frustrated with how much vitriol & misinformation regarding DAs is allowed in the comment section *especially* as the channel is pretty much a commercial for the paid portion of pds where DAs have the *highest* completion rate! the arrogance, hypocrisy & lack of self awareness often shown by those insulting DAs is mind blowing 🤯 *thank you* for sharing your perspective, *please* continue to as you're comfortable as it's very helpful for those of us *actually* here to *understand* ourselves & others vs just trying to blame plus imagine it helps other DAs 💜

[@galaxysamsung5439]

Thais,can we find the book you wrote recently for kindles?

[@takebackmylifetakemylifeba8362]

Hi Thais and fellow PDS followers, I get what you're saying about if we don't develop those characteristics in ourselves, we will start to resent the partner for the characteristics that were originally the trait-variety that we were attracted to. However..... I think what may have happened with me is that I DID develop the traits I was initially attracted to, and thereby lost interest in my partner. Because he was no longer providing me what I needed, since I had it in myself. Does this sound right? Please help me with understanding this theory/concept that I think happened with me. Thank you!

[@HnSmith-11]

Two questions: how do know if your partner is DA if he won’t take the quiz and as a FA how do you break down what traits of a DA you might have personally?

[@r_and_a]

the more you learn about attachment styles & those you're trying to understand the easier it becomes ime

[@joykorshiwor699]

From experience it's so obvious 😂. Even if they don't take the test. It was scary for me

[@katieandnick4113]

If he won’t take the quiz, he’s almost definitely DA. And even if he will take it, there’s a very good chance he’ll test as secure because he can’t see his childhood, his parents, or himself at all objectively. A DA sees himself through a “perfect” filter, which means he will answer the questions with a very positive bias. If he were to start looking at himself more objectively, he’d very probably experience a sort of narcissistic collapse.

[@ashton1952]

​@@katieandnick4113respectfully and totally disagreeing with you; DA's are trying to get help, that's why we're here. We have trouble with people who pick fights, and poke a stick right into our wounds, which is literally what happens when we have a partner who can't see what they're doing wrong because they're so busy focussing on us. We don't retaliate with criticizing, or parking wounds because we don't want to hurt our partner, which seems to further encourage the frustration and fault-finding by the partner (different "languages". When people focus entirely on healing themselves, and emotional self-control, it starts to correct the imbalance. Please stop equating us with narcs, or trying to suggest we have these characteristics. It's not an impossibility but rare. That's because the context of the behaviors which can be confused, is totally different. Like narcissistic discarding is not the same as withdrawal by the DA. One is intentional at causing pain in order to control, and the latter is from feeling helpless to fix our partner's problems, because they express it in a language we don't understand, like unraveling emotionally. But to someone who doesn't understand that, will get confused and say negative things that don't help anyone.

[@user-jx5ke1kg7p]

I expressed all of these. But got dumped by my DA nevertheless😢

[@Michelle-qq4sd]

Seriously better to learn what repels them.

[@michellejf777]

Their own time um I find 2.5 weeks of own time to long or are I being unfair?

[@parararirara]

So basically the opposite of them and what they’ll never give you 😠

[@r_and_a]

thais has repeatedly explained trait variety is an inherent part of attraction for *all* attachment styles

[@Evv_7]

I love your videos! However, you don’t make anxious attachment style videos near as much anymore as dismissive avoidant and fearful avoidant for months now. I’m wondering if that’s for a particular reason? I’m assuming you don’t get people asking for those kind as much? I miss the equal mix of the 3.

[@Katrica670]

I have all 4 of those traits,, and still lotsa problems with the guy of over 5 yrs! Well i did realize that just as there are narcs in ur fam, at work, at school, and in your neighborhood, there are narcs in each attachment styles! He is a DA narc! They say AP's are usually co-dependents, people pleasers, or at least passive and afraid of conflict, makes sense!

[@ashton1952]

It's very rare for a DA to be a narc, simply because we avoid confrontation. And I mean a v o i d like the plague. The term narc also gets thrown around easily; but there are definite traits they show that can identify them. One of them is causing conflict; they thrive on drama.

[@campnoutdoors1621]

Why would anyone want to learn how to attract a dismissive avoidant? There selfish and shallow. I dated one for a few months. When I started calling her on poor behaviors she emediately did a 30 day no contact with me and said it was for counciling. Guess what? I wasn't there waiting for her at the end of the 30 days. I don't do 30 day no contacts. A 30 day no contact is comfort for an avoidant. When someone is comfortable being away from me that's a problem in my world

[@xiaomoogle]

I’m FA. I’ve learned you can’t have a relationship with a DA unless they’re aware of their attachment issues and willing to work and heal. Otherwise you end up putting all your needs aside and bending over backwards to stop them being triggered, and well, they get triggered anyway and leave

[@r_and_a]

same can be said for *any* insecure attachment & kind of ironically most DAs i've known as well as those i've just interacted with online re AT stuff are actually "triggered" by you "putting all your needs aside & bending over backwards to stop them from being triggered" as that sets them up for failure, puts pressure on them to be responsible for how you're choosing to sacrifice yourself, etc as an FA who's not only in love with a DA but most of my close relationships (romantic & platonic) have been with DAs, i appreciate the dynamic naturally encourages & reinforces *you* working on healing *your* attachment issues since the sort of codependent & enmeshed behaviors you described do tend to "trigger" them whereas working on yourself helps them feel safer

[@maralinautube]

Hi Thais! It sounds like they EXPECT these character traits from OTHERS... Yet they don't process these SAME CHARACTERISTICS themselves. So by DEFAULT, they CAN'T GIVE TO US what they DO NOT POSSESS THEMSELVES! Got it!👍🏾🤦🏾‍♀️

[@aigo000t]

Lol. So you can be attracted to Tall guys only if you're tall yourself?

[@r_and_a]

thais has explained why TRAIT VARIETY is an INHERENT component of attraction for *ALL* people REGARDLESS of attachment style

[@Lorij24]

They want emotional availability. Oof 🤦‍♀️

[@user-tz1hl3pf2w]

So … we’re supposed to stop being warm and empathetic??? This is hair-raising.

[@freesandy]

A dismissive avoidant is NPD. Stop dancing around the real issue

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/hHWnqqdtiM9kaaM

[@r_and_a]

asserting your opinion as fact & superior to the understanding of a professional who has dedicated their life to understanding & helping others let alone whose *partner* is a DA certainly seems to display a grandiose sense of self importance common amongst narcissists 🤨 *plenty* of *professionals* have highlighted the vast *differences* between DAs & narcissists - thais has flat out said that DAs are the *least* likely to be a narcissist which becomes quite obvious imo when one actually bothers to understand the fundamental motivations of each