Why Won't Avoidants Fight for You (And When To Let Go)

//4 Painful Reasons Why Won't Avoidants Fight for You (And When To Let Go)//Do you feel like your avoidant partner won't fight for your relationship? In this video, we delve into the complex world of avoidant attachment and the reasons why some individuals may struggle to invest in their relationships. From emotional suppression to unrealistic romantic expectations, we uncover the core issues that prevent avoidants from fully engaging in love.
We'll explore key concepts such as dismissive avoidant behaviors, avoidant deactivation strategies, and how childhood experiences shape one's approach to relationships. This video is crucial for anyone dating a dismissive or trying to understand why an avoidant might not fight for love.
If you're facing challenges with an avoidant partner and wondering when to break up or how to recognize signs of a toxic relationship, this guide will provide clarity and direction. Don't miss out on understanding these intricate dynamics and learning how to handle them effectively.
Chapters
00:00 Introduction
00:44 What is avoidant attachment style?
02:20 What do avoidant partners expect in relationships?
03:22 Avoidant Deactivation Strategy: Finding Flaws
04:07 Avoidant Deactivation Strategy: Emotional Suppression
05:03 What is co-regulation in relationships?
08:38 Can avoidant partners heal?
10:56 What are signs of a toxic relationship?
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#WhyWontAvoidantsFightForYou #AvoidantAttachment #DatingADismissive #DismissiveAvoidantCourse #WhyDontAvoidantsFightForLove #CanAvoidantsFallInLove #AvoidantDeactivationStrategies #WhenToBreakUp #SignsItsTimeToBreakup #ToxicRelationships #SignsOfAToxicRelationship
• Why Won't Avoidants Fi...

[@seth_piano]

I write this from an avoidant's perspective: Thank you. Each time I watch a video, I feel more understood, and I understand other people better. Most places on the internet seem to act as though all avoidant people should just crawl in a hole and die (only slightly exaggerating), and this channel doesn't do that - it sees me as an actual person instead of a problem (you know, the component I've been missing my whole life). Words don't do justice for my gratitude. I truly believe I am on the mend. :)

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Thank you for watching and for sharing your experience. I am so glad that you feel understood and as if you can understand other people better. So happy to hear that you feel you are on the mend! Sending you good luck and big hugs on the journey. 🙌💕

[@aleewoolley]

Some of us are here because we love avoidant people (I am anyway). You’re not a pariah. 😊 And none of us are in a position to judge regardless (I’m not anyway) - as no one is perfect. Good luck in your mending journey.! I’m sure you’ll do great!

[@isabellajohnson6895]

@aleewoolley , Same here!

[@seth_piano]

@@aleewoolley I am really appreciative of your comment :) Knowing that there are people on the other side cheering on my success is motivating - even when it's some rando on the internet. For some reason I feel compelled to say "thank you for your service" for loving an avoidant person in your life, 'cause god knows we need it

[@aleewoolley]

@@seth_piano ❤️

[@jessd956]

Please for so many reasons… do not get any more involved with this person. You deserve what you want and need now.

[@sankaranarayananh7957]

Had enough of avoidant people. Best to abandon them and let them deal with their shit. No more effort from my side to such people. You cant keep giving excuses for people who had such childhoods. Sort your shit out.

[@jinstnk]

As i was an anxious before, gotta admit that a short period of being with an avoidant made me becoming more secured because i was so curious about their behaviors so I googled about it and there i got to learn how to be secure. But I wont fight for any avoidant ever again. Tried twice and were too overwhelmed. They need a lot of work to do and they dont know about it and they rejected it when i suggested.

[@hx1487]

I've just realised that this is my ex boyfriend. I believe he really does care but won't fight for the relationship or open up. So I had to break up, couldn't handle this anymore

[@jinstnk]

when you met an avoidant from dating app : 1. They do love bombing, talk about marriage with you at the very beginning 2. You say lets get to know each other more 3. they agree but won't share personal matter with you 4. You are confused. You call them out. 5. They will try again. better this time. Then talk about marriage again 6., you share your personal life, you two are getting closer. You start to talk about plan and commitment. 7. Boom, they are gone

[@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529]

My jaw dropped reading this!! This is PRECISELY what my avoidant did, in that exact order, no less!!!! NEVER AGAIN!

[@camellia8625]

It’s awful that an avoidant individual can wreck so much havoc on others

[@Chad_Thundercock_]

Some of us are actually ethical avoidant and will tell people straight up that we don't want to pursue a relationship because we know how we think. However, most of the narcissists I've ever met aren't avoidant, and they're doing more damage to others.

[@queenprotein]

My avoidant husband and i were great when everything was going good. But as soon as there was any kind of problem of any size, he would get defensive, then offensive then be overwhelmed and curl up in the fetal position. I had to take care of everything alone that was challenging. I did this somewhat successfully for 4 years but towards the end, his inability to say anything nice about me, the projecting and the gaslighting became more than i could bare. We are now divorcing. I truly love him not i cannot love myself with him in my life.

[@LynneChiong]

I'm so sorry to hear about your story. I can relate to it. My boyfriend gets distant whenever I open up about my feelings and needs. He doesn't like to listen to them. It breaks my heart when he tells me that he can't meet my expectations and needs. We have been in silence for three days now after arguing. 😢

[@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529]

@@LynneChiong They are EMOTIONAL ABUSERS!!!

[@SK-no2pp]

If someone acts like your partner but refuses to use titles, it's because they aren't ready for a relationship, want to keep their options open, or aren't sure about you. Titles define a relationship. There's no ambiguity when there's a title, which is why labels scare people who aren't read to commit. Relationships are about actions AND words. When it comes to relationships, actions don't always speak louder than words. One is not more important than the other. The important thing is whether someone's actions align with their words. To avoid using a title, people might say things like let's just take it slow, I want to enjoy what we have, I like things the way they are, I don't want to get hurt, I don't do labels, it's too much pressure, I'm not ready for a relationship yet, the timing isn't right, let's see how things are going in a few months, etc... But when a person is ready to commit, comfortable with intimacy, and sure about you, the way they act will align with the words they speak

[@christalhardy8771]

I agree 100%. This was my 1st time dealing with a DA after 3 years divorce and it damaged me more than the divorce but I'm okay with letting him go and leaving him alone. Wish I didn't break my celibacy for his empty promises

[@1XO0O0OX1]

:)

[@crazybasham911]

Thank you for writing this

[@kelleypopkowski1789]

Not for me. I need to feel safe and loved. Not hurt/confused and abandoned

[@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529]

Amen, yes! They are EMOTIONAL ABUSERS!

[@HawkRauster-pg5yc]

All of this sounds exactly like 99.9% of the dating perspective on modern social media. People haven't bothered to raise their kids to the point where society is melting down. Just kids that never bothered to turn into adults, at the end of the day. They'll either deal with their damage, or sit around wishing they would.

[@franciscogamboa6475]

This is the first time I've heard anyone reference an avoidant acting with a heightened nervous system. It's really enlightening to know that you can still reach someone who identifies as an avoidant, if they want to be reached, of course.

[@AncientIntegrations]

No one needs to fight for your love. If you want them to do that it is you who are manipulating them.

[@budatrox9171]

This video just totally explained my ex. After 17 years of hitting my head against the wall trying to have a normal life with her I had to let her go. This has been a relief on my personal well being. Thank you.

[@oilyskinguru]

I've been with an avoidant partner for 6 years. Every time we fight or we are about to break up, we always work on it.

[@sabrinasetzler689]

❤

[@tess7539]

This was really helpful. 6 years of this. Until I realized this was toxic and I wasn’t being true to myself. Especially after asking him if he was open for a chat through text and him ignoring me and I haven’t heard from him in a month. He was calling me twice a day (prior)And we caught up every other weekend. But NEVER met his family. And he declined most social events. Asked him to join me for a family lunch. Usually doesn’t respond with ANY answer……….. The questionnaire at the end was my validation. Thank you!

[@HY-td8ru]

I have known mine for 2 years. I still don’t know our relationship status. I poured out my feelings to him and told him how I feel when he’s missing. He acknowledged and understood he’s wrong. Now we’re both avoiding. I am avoiding because I don’t see a future. He’s avoiding because he’s a DA. It’s been a week with no contact and still counting…

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Thank you for watching and for sharing a bit of your experience. Very gently, it sounds like you are looking to him to set the tone of the relationship and to decide what happens. The only way to change this is to decide for yourself what you will, and will not accept. If the way he shows up is not what you envision for your future, then it sounds like you know what you have to do. This video might help:kzbin.info/www/bejne/qavdhXSZeZ6dq5Isi=vReshNwk_xNzPZtC Big hugs on the journey.

[@christinaashcroft8716]

I’ve just been dumped by an avoidant partner - I was anxious because of his avoiding actions. He seemed to think I should allow him to go visit an ex and stay with her over a weekend- I said absolutely not- and was wanting me to go to counselling to deal with my anxieties!

[@Peachesandcream994]

They all do that. They do stuff like that and then say we’re not respecting their autonomy. If he doesn’t understand that he doesn’t need to spend a weekend with his ex when you’re a part of his life, avoidant or not, he’s the one that should be in therapy, not you.

[@alice-hp7dh]

Sorry if I said that but he Is an a**hole, not avoidant. Or probably a narc.

[@Sandra.B]

That's narc behaviour...👎🏻

[@maxsheerin8219]

Titles are everything and he sounds like a sc*mbag and will most likely run back to her anyway and tell her how you were jealous.

[@enojelmeli]

My ex went on a 5 day trip with his baby mama who used to harass me when we were together. I didn't hear from him at all during their trip. Total dick move. He would constantly engage in self-sabotaging behaviors. Hindsight is 20/20. I will never put up with such disrespectful behavior again. I don't care how much trauma or drama a person has. It's not an excuse to treat people poorly.

[@lolygallegos3422]

Why would anyone want to go through this hell!??😮

[@smokingcrab2290]

The bottom line is that the avoidant person just isn't into you. That's it. If they really wanted you, they would act like it. If you're with a detached person who always has to "protect" themselves from you for reasons that don't even have to do with you, just leave. They're so not worth it. And you will never out-love their baggage.

[@muma6559]

Yep, but it takes years to figure this out

[@ashton1952]

The bottom line is society needs to be re-educated on how to love their own children. Our great-grandparents could get it right, so what have we lost since then and now...

[@hx1487]

​@@muma6559 so true

[@muma6559]

@@ashton1952 parents don't know how to parent

[@muma6559]

@@soundaryashamala3615 Sounds about right. Very difficult. And they've had a very neglectful upbringing, so the repeat cycle continues.

[@maurabegg]

omgggg. this was so helpful at just like taking the blame off myself for not being enough and understanding this persons behavior is not what I deserve

[@JeremyJonesLunaCrist]

This is my wife. Right now she's pulling away from me after a recent tragedy of losing my family. I have acknowledged her need for space, but she has refused to work together to repair our relationship. I have been struggling with the loss of both my parents and my sister and her need to run from me just adds to my loss. But I have been working on getting better and am very in touch with my emotions and past trauma. I think it is scaring her because she can not acknowledge what she went through as a child. This video was very helpful in understanding her own struggles.

[@maxsheerin8219]

Im so sorry you are going through this. Avoidants bolt when you need them most and its devastating.. Bereavement councilling really does change your life. I wish you well in the future and hope you divorce that no good muppet. May yur parents rest in peace 🙏💔

[@smokingcrab2290]

Dude i felt this in my bones. I lost my family due to cutting off toxic ties and my wife is also avoidant. I her mind she's fine, but in my mind I'm incredibly lonely. I cannot talk to her or touch her without any fear of being called needy or without her gaslighting me by saying "all you want is sex" bullshit. For the life of me I cannot connect with this woman, and every single time I reach out to try, it backfires. So I am lonely pretty much every single day of my life. And it sucks so bad because my wedding day was the happiest day of my entire life. But now I feel it's the worst decision I ever made.

[@Lexi_Con]

So sorry for your loss. Sounds heartbreaking in more ways than one. I am kind of new to this channel & still learning about avoidant types (my bf/ex bf fits the description 100%), but I always thought a spouse - who's supposed to be your life partner & best friend - would be there for you in your worst time of grief. How sad!😢 I hope she's in counseling to deal with any past trauma or issues causing that behavior & that you get the emotional support you deserve.🙏🏼❤️

[@Lexi_Con]

​@@smokingcrab2290Your situation sounds very tragic also. I hope you both can find a way to communicate openly with each other about your needs & goals for the relationship. Have you considered a marriage/couples counselor, together or separately? An objective 3rd party is often helpful by asking questions that get to the root of the problem and may have good strategies to get your wife to open up (& see from your pt of view if necessary). Sometimes we don't really listen or understand those who are closest to us til an observer points something out from a different perspective. Best wishes!

[@Lexi_Con]

If you have Showtime I recommend watching the series "Couples Therapy." I enjoyed it (regardless of my relationship situation then). The clients are all unique with different issues, and you really get to know & like them throughout the season. Even the hard to like ones.😉 The therapist is amazing & made me wish I lived close enough to see her. *Great to catch a glimpse & ease your minds in case you've never been to a therapist/counselor.

[@noticeyourneighbor8649]

My dating partner was really excited about me when we first met then a month later, he pulled away. He started picking me apart, even telling me he wasn’t “into me that way.” Because of your content, I realized he was deactivating and I respected his desire for space and started to move on. When he started to feel safer with me, and realized that I was not going to swamp him emotionally or tie him down, he started to be much less critical and much more affectionate towards me. We are in a happier, calmer place, now, a year later, and our relationship feels mutually satisfying. 😊

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Thank you for watching and for sharing a bit of your experience. I am so glad that the content has been helpful for you, and that you have found a place of harmony in your relationship. Bravo! 🙏❤️

[@CDMuffy]

I see ppl saying this about how now theyre in a great place w their avoidant partner and all i hear is "it is my fault for having needs." Cuz you dropped him and so he stayed. I tried to give affection and distractions and they bailed. So like.. Tis my fault. Thats the answer. When someone wants you but doesnt wanna admit they want you the correct response is "play games" thats such bullshit.

[@maxsheerin8219]

He picked you apart and you took him back? He showed you who he is. Believe him. Decent people dont pick people apart.

[@noticeyourneighbor8649]

@@maxsheerin8219I knew he was hypercritical because of his own fears and it wasn’t about me. I stood up for myself. It was Briana’s content that helped me remain calm and confident. He would tell me things like I “didn’t need supplements” if I just ate a healthy diet but then he admitted he bought supplements. It was stupid things he would pick at, not anything major. He was kind and sweet most of the time. I wouldn’t stick around for actual ABUSE. I left an abusive marriage and won’t be dealing with that ever again.

[@noticeyourneighbor8649]

@@CDMuffyI didn’t play games. I remained friends with him and his affection towards me increased over time. I like him more than any other man I’ve ever dated so I have stuck it out and learned a lot about needs vs desires. He meets lots of needs I didn’t realize I had and some of my wants and desires. Life is always an adjustment and I know I have a lot of baggage too. Overall, it has been a good experience for me and I know he is grateful to have me in his life.

[@kingaberlakovich5585]

My partner is an avoidant and I am a fearful avoidant. We both hate conflicts, but my partner more. I said to him, that conflicts are okay, and if this relationship is important , we should navigate through. He gives his best. Sometimes he goes fishing and needs his alone time and I am now strong enough to know, it’s okay , and I give him his time ( although we only see each other on weekends), but after this alone time he is regulated and peaceful. And , he is willing to solve conflicts! 😊

[@manuelchouza4282]

Yes, it is absolutely draining to try to engage with a person with such traits, the thing is no one is equipped or no one was equipped with such knowledge beforehand until this new type of content started to emerge to surface on the internet. The saddest part is to have learned it after having a kid with such a character while all you might wish is to give the best possible context to that child to grow healthy on the longest of the possibility I guess I am purge writing a little bit here. But gosh I wish this content would have been tough at school or some kind of institution that makes them available for the mass. Thanks for such an amazing video Briana. God bless ypu for having broken down this complex subject in such a comprehensive way 🙏

[@kp5870]

Also, important to add that when they go through a life changing event, like their kid is moving in, they don’t have the emotional bandwidth to juggle both that and the person in their life. They become snippy and irritable at the tiniest things. They try to control what you verbally share. They don’t care how they put someone else out because it’s about taking care of them, no apology or offer to repair. They don’t believe apologies include offers of repairs.

[@sushisam3010]

The final part of this video is one of the most important things I've ever watched about being in a relationship with an avoidant -- you don't have to do the impossible! WATCH THIS VIDEO, IT'S CRUCIAL!

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Thank you for your kind words and for watching. One thing I might add, is that the list of questions at the end is for any attachment style. Anxious, avoidant, and fearful partners can all demonstrate dysfunctional behavior. It’s a more general list to let people know when a dynamic has become toxic and it’s time to leave. Thanks for watching!

[@faithing88]

Been with him for 5 years, he would dump me ND I will beg and crawl back. I broke up with him and he just said OK. It's exhausting, I understand he can't meet my needs and I don't want to demand that from him cos I know he can't offer me that and I know I must leave, it's hurts.

[@rustyscrapper]

Have you ever tried asking for what you want instead of playing stupid games and winning stupid prizes?

[@BruceJC75]

I’m over here beating myself up over maybe one moment of neediness, but I have to remember that this has nothing to do with me. It was all the abuse coming from her ex husband.

[@smokingcrab2290]

My wife was cheated on by all 4 of her previous exes. Shes an avoidant who breadcrumbs me and I never understood it till now. She gave the best of herself away, and now I'm paying for it.

[@laurenbeals705]

I have been both anxious and avoidant attachment, with rare in between periods of secure attachment…… No longer avoidant because I KNOW how it feels to be on the other side and the pain it causes. It’s so hard to undo all of the subconscious autonomic responses our minds and bodies have put into place during survival mode to protect us from trauma and damage…..only broken through humility and self awareness. I don’t necessarily blame those who don’t know what they’re doing, although on the other side of the coin when they can project onto the other the things they are actually doing themselves, it shows a degree of awareness, albeit unconsciously. There is no change without accountability, no accountability without reflection, there is no reflection without empathy and remorse, and there is no empathy and remorse without humility. Humility is the ONLY asset we have as human beings and it’s the only vehicle that knows the directions on the journey and to the destination of growth, change and peace.

[@sabrinasetzler689]

❤

[@jackiep1428]

This seems super accurate to what I’m going through with my bf who have gone no contact for a week now.

[@songsforsale427]

That's quite an exaggerated list for an anxious person to get broken up with by an avoidant. iIn my experience it's much less likely that the avoidant is going to do any work and that the anxious is going to do all the work!

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Thank you for watching and for commenting. I’m not sure what you mean by an exaggerated list. These are 4 deactivating strategies for Avoidant partners. At the end, there are 10 questions for anyone to ask themselves if the relationship dynamic has become toxic and it is time to leave, regardless of attachment style. I hope that clarifies things.

[@mayowa60]

sadly you are pretty much describing me. really hope i can fix up before and during my next reolationship

[@user-hs7pf6by6v]

I love how my avoidant man is always coming back. And then he's sooo passionate❤ Actually he's the best love maker i ever had. But yes emotionally unavailability is difficult still.. can't have arguments or something. Strange thing is he loves romantic music or love movies😂

[@MyAngelina123]

When he's distant and he's also emotionally unavailable, how do I communicate with him? Or do I just keep away and occupy his absence with other commitments and wait for him? Or do I let him know his absence is making me nervous about our relationship?

[@LePetiz]

Not strange...she just mentioned they can be very romantic but yet have a very unrealistic idea of relationships

[@smf427]

sounds toxic

[@Maggie.s.p.242]

very well explained ! Thank you ! a great video with great and important content !

[@merrieklazek2471]

Really great detailed, clear, concise explanation. Thank you!

[@russd3029]

Thank you, Briana. The checklist at the end, citing specific behavior as signs of things turning toxic is so helpful for me. I recognize some of these but sometimes the reconciliation is still challenging. Having it called out for what it is, is so helpful.

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Thank you for watching and for sharing your experience. I’m so glad that it was helpful. 🙏❤️

[@julesmusiclover]

Wow! 🤯 You are naming and thereby validating my experience being married to an avoidant partner for 21 years, together for 30 years! Thank you for the work you do!

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

You are so welcome

[@elizabethlasseigne5361]

Love your video! Good information!

[@shopiayay]

Super helpful and clear.

[@gigakiddo761]

It's all landing with me. My avoidant boyfriend broke up two weeks ago. He lost his job fear of failure and now I've been kicked to the curb.

[@rp3741]

When I get to a point where I'm ready to let go and I refuse to answer him that's when he comes in full force calling and texting non-stop. He turns anxious after being cold as ice most of the time. And it's so hard not to fall for it. He said he just wanted us to be in a good place (when he thought I was done for good) and that he would do better. Not one thing has been better. I guess this is more of a trauma bond than anything. Most of the questions were a "yes" but I can't seem to walk away.

[@Rose-vc3fk]

It’s like your words are also mine…. I’m struggling to move on but I’m doing better with each day. we need to let go, and fight it. Actively to not let ourselves sink into our imagination and attraction, and keep finding excuses for the other side. It’s not healthy for us… we deserve to not be stressed when we are with our loving partner. If he’s not willing to treat his toxic traits, (therapy etc) there is no place for him in your life. Our loving partner suppose to be our safe space. End of story. ❤

[@lookupyourredemptiondrawsn7285]

100%​@@Rose-vc3fk

[@blackeneddove]

It’s because we are not able to let go of the future we imagine we will have if this person finally changed. You are probably ready to let go of this person. It’s the future we imagined with that person that we have to let go of. That future is not real. It is a fantasy. And it will never happen with a person who acts in this way. This will continue for years and years. (Ask me how I know. 😞)

[@rustyscrapper]

He is ignoring your shitty behavior.

[@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529]

THEY ARE EMOTIONAL ABUSERS!!! GUARD YOUR HEART!!

[@nancygesimondo112]

you are so awesome. I love how succinct and articulate you are. I have been in a relationship with a guy who turns out is an alcoholic. at first i thought he was a fearful avoidant...and he may well be in addition. He hid his drinking from my until I recently discovered that he is mean when he drinks. I ended it promptly because i was deeply hurt and will not let anyone abuse me. It's been difficult because he said he was mortified when he read his text to me (when he sobered up). He said he misses me and i miss the good parts of him as well. I told him that i think he needs to get help and i pray to Goddess that he does. In the meantime i am healing as my search for love continues. Thank you for your videos.

[@seth_piano]

In my opinion, you made the right choice :) If he cleans up his drinking to save the relationship, he's likely to relapse if the relationship ends or gets difficult. If he cleans up his drinking for the sake of his own life, he's likely to keep it that way for the rest of his life.

[@nicolejensen4676]

Very helpful to understand. I truly see how the trauma affects them and how they need to work on themselves. Very freeing !

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Thank you for watching and for commenting. I’m glad that the video was helpful!

[@shujakpasha]

All is exactly on point. He is stubborn and hates that im sensitive and cares

[@kenofken9458]

I won't fight for any relationship. I'll work with a partner to try to resolve issues, but when women say they want you to "fight" for the relationship, it means they want you to fight them and whatever issues at hand. In other words they're not pulling on the same side of the rope as you. I think it's what the younger folks call "sh*t testing" these days. I won't play that game anymore. If someone wants us to work together to try to solve things, and its still a good relationship overall, I'll work with them. If what they need is endless drama, bye. I've got other partners and options. Does that make me avoidant? I don't know. I'll leave that to the psychologists. From my perspective I just won't tolerate bullsh*t. I don't need to. I'm happy to say that doesn't come up much anymore because I've learned to have the right people in my life.

[@dannywholuv]

Not fight as in aggressively lol its a figure of speech for making the effort

[@kenofken9458]

@@dannywholuv Yes but words matter. Whenever I've had a woman insist I "fight" for her, it meant she wanted drama and for me to sort of beg for her not to go and resort to desperate pleas and promises to do exactly what she wanted etc. Or they wanted me to keep trying to scale the wall they put up around themselves because of some past bad marriage or relationship. I don't play that game. I won't "fight' for a relationship because I don't have to put up with drama at this point in my life. I have options and some wonderful long term partners in my life. I also take personal sovereignty very seriously. If they say they're seriously unhappy and want to break it up, I'm not going to try to argue them out of it. I'll miss the good times we had but I'm not desperate and I accept that I'm not right for everyone.

[@dannywholuv]

@@kenofken9458 seriously the word 'fight' is not to be taken literally here. In the context of the video she means work on things. Every relationship requires work, even the healthy ones.

[@karmasutra4774]

By other partners what does that mean to you?

[@pamelavillaflores2856]

8/10 yes in the questionnaire... i left months ago heartbroken and hopeless, it was certainly time to go

[@lursanih]

I found your information very informative. and I'm going to use them as early as possible

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Glad it was helpful!

[@housekeepah]

This is amazing

[@hbssl2179]

I was like “yeah I guess I should let go..” then when the questions came up, my answers were mostly no. I’m still torn between staying or just leaving. We never really talked about officially ending it. I even offered to be friends but he just kept dismissing it by saying he’s gonna respond when he’s not busy. It’s dehumanising yet I still refuse to believe he’s a bad person.

[@gothicyid]

My bf broke up with me, said he needed space. thru text and has said never really mean to break up with me and we got back together. I asked him why if he didn't want to break up with me he did and he said that he felt I was pulling away and he didn't want to.fight for it. We've been back together for a.month now and things are going well but I'm nervous it might happen again.

[@Dolce305]

Don’t get comfortable with him. Get more into YOU! Give yourself 5x as much attention as you do him. The thoughts you have of him, have of yourself. Find a way to see yourself and treat yourself in “that” way. If you’re younger, BE PICKY!!!! DO NOT GIVE CHANCES! Straight up. Grace is one thing. A chance is another! If you’re a person that really values themselves, the non-negotiables, ARE the NON-NEGOTIABLES!

[@simpleliving4205]

He will, those are facts..

[@maxsheerin8219]

It will absolutely happen again if he refuses to go to therpay. Its easier to feel the pain of a permanent breakup than go through constant let downs when you need them most. YOU cannot heal him. That's his job.

[@Robstar0]

You didn't ask for opinions, but because of the replies you got I felt like giving a more nuanced and hopefully useful reaction. It's really good how he opened up and gave you an honest reason for his behavior! Well, I assume it's honest. It shows trust. While things are going well, you could thank him for that and tell him (with little emotion, but a really friendly tone) that you expect this kind of honesty during the next conflict. Explain how going through these moments together actually strengthens the bond. And then ask him what he needs from you in those situations. And in case you don't do that: Draw clear boundaries in order to protect your authentic self! He can't expect you to accept another fake break-up. If he ever shares his struggles and asks for help, that would be the moment to make him aware of avoidant attachment style. Let him know he can fix himself (with a little help)! If he doesn't ask for help it's a bit more risky to tell him; he's less likely to accept the message.

[@gothicyid]

@@maxsheerin8219 he actually is in therapy. One of the reasons I'm dating him. Most men I know would never go.

[@sifublack192]

Sounds like a lot of work. I'm glad I've learned to take care of my own needs and maintain my autonomy both outside and inside my relationships. I couldn't imagine arguing about something as trivial as sharing your feelings or using the wrong vocabulary. Granted, I get there are words that can't describe exactly what we're thinking all the time, but to start drama over it is childish. I guess it makes sense why I left my exes when they started acting this way. 🤷🏿‍♂️

[@Xiviuz]

My ex is an avoidant. Manipulative in the beginning until she knew I wasn't gonna leave her. Then she gradually made me very anxiously attached. When she broke up, she said she needed to only focus on her, that she needed therapy, still loved me romantically etc, but had to break up, didn't want to be with anyone else and needed therapy. BOOM new guy shortly after and no therapy or work on herself except seeking validation from people on social media and spending her money on distractions rather than therapy. She told me early on she's an avoidant, I never knew how deep the rabbit hole went until after the breakup. But now I do, and I'm never putting myself through emotional torture and manipulation like that ever again.

[@LuminousWarriorOracle]

It’s like all avoidants follow a script “I need to work on myself and heal” but they never actually do because they lack the very fundamental thing called self-reflection because they don’t have access to their emotions, because they suppress them too deeply, it’s a case of a fox chasing its own tail and getting no where. Be glad you are out of that dynamic before you lost yourself to their chaos.

[@emreon3160]

Well said

[@taghazoutmoon5031]

he was distant. i gave him space. he broke up over text. i didn't beg but asked him to meet when ready for closure as text for 3.5 year relationship is not appropriate. eventually, he said 3 months later doesn't want to meet or any contact. he blocked me on social media. i blocked him on whatsapp, our only form of contact.

[@MadisonEstes]

I'm so sorry. What a coward. You deserve so much better. ❤

[@recklessmermaid]

Breaking up over text after 3.5 years is AWFUL. Unacceptable behaviour on his part

[@scproductions9878]

My Nigga!!! 🤣

[@XenoHemoToad]

Anxious, here. I see her shine but she leaves me in the dark and im afraid of the dark. She shines on me and I reflect her warmth. Maybe it’s too much, I don’t know how to turn down what is only a reflection. She runs away leaving me to fight the chilly nights alone, again. I think I am in hell.

[@ebonyjoseph9489]

Great way of expressing your emotions.

[@fairlyenjoyable]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.. I feel you. Please try to take time for self-care and self-love. Those are the only things that have gotten me through recently.

[@nnglnd]

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Only you can change you . Do you understand?

[@thiswonderfullandpenwithco1151]

Iv done work but felt some other understanding was missing so this resonats with me. Now to find out how to change that .

[@shujakpasha]

The only thing I would say is that you started off was saying avoid it behaviors and then turned it around and blame the person who was anxious or wanting to support them. I understand the 10 questions about toxicity, but I feel that it should also be discussed how The other present should feel appreciated as well. And how that looks. But I definitely understand the perspective because it's not about being immature and not knowing how to process or validate their emotions. It's about the fact that you get treated as like a friend which hurts because they don't know how to look into closeness.

[@pnaracet1562]

You are explaining my recent relationship and break up

[@nj3195]

After hearing this it begs to ask what is left for a partner to get their needs met? Avoidant behavior sounds like a troubled person who needs a lot of healing and probably shouldn’t be in a relationship. No wonder, modern women can’t find partners. If this video is made there are enough of these immature people walking around, sad!

[@pnaracet1562]

I am kind of (most of the time) securily attached. However, in my recent long-distance relationship with this guy, I felt insecure and anxious most of the time. He seemed to love me but after a wonderful week together and having said that "I am his rock" he pulled away. He was in touch with me just once in a day by texting or by a very short phone call. Then I asked him not to do this, I felt unimportant. Then I broke up. But then I told him that I did not actually want to break up, I was a bit sad, I just wanted you to get my poing, try not to ignore my needs.. He said after all this, he did not want me anymore. I did not recognise myself, I was completely different person, could not regulate my emotions and tried to keep in touch. I asked him "Do you love me?" He said "YES" So, there is no big deal we can solve our problems, I said. He was like "I do not wanna do anything", "this is not about love. It has to end". This is not love, although he never admits that. I am the toxic one he thinks

[@haihai5293]

standard

[@jeanannedupratt7075]

I have been both anxious young + later, avoidant. I find this video deep + interesting. ❤ Thank you.

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Thank you for watching and for sharing your experience. I’m glad you like the video. 🙏❤️

[@gabbyvargas6861]

Currently dealing with this with my dismissive avoidant partner . Sometimes he puts forth effort and other times he just acts plain old rigid . I've known him for 4 years and we've been in a relationship for almost 5 months.

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Thank you for watching the video and for sharing a bit of your experience. Indeed, it is a big change to go from being friends to being romantic partners, particularly for someone with a Avoidant attachment. Sending you big hugs on the journey.

[@LePetiz]

Having a relationship with an avoidant is like building a lego castle only to see it destroyed by the kid next to you.... in a perpetual fashion..

[@annasoloviova911]

It s fair to make other people be free healers to avoidants, while aboidants are egiistic and only think about their own comfort and safety. Other person also has his issues, insecurities and needs, which are completly ignored by the avoidant. I got involved with an avoidant who was hiding his avoidant attitude and faking connection just si he would not be alone and have someone care for him, holding that simeone, me, on a confirtable for him distance. Trigering my trauma and letting me suffer it on my iwn, without making a single step towards me. So yes, other people should not be healers fir them. Everyone shoukd heal oneself.

[@janicebeckett9403]

Yes this

[@kasiakasjako8493]

Why my avoidant partner is avoidant ONLY in relationship with me??but not with his mom or his step-siblings?

[@camillaskotte]

It’s not the same kind of love, family can’t hurt him the way he (thinks) you can

[@skeee4816]

You can cheat on him.. waste his time… leave him anytime he wants and he can do nothing about it

[@TheCorruptionCore]

There are different loves. The love of a significant other is FAR more deep and intimate than that of parents and siblings. You seem not to understand love itself. Idk how that could happen but I guess it does. Either way I hope you don’t look at your sibling and think the same things you do as a significant other. That’s some Alabama level gross. They’re avoidant because they’re scared to fully invest because it’ll hurt

[@svlagonda7417]

Why won't he fight for your love? Maybe because the woman involved is nightmare and has driven him away with her antics!

[@elisareyes293]

Where is the quiz?? I don’t see it Ty 🙏

[@c.f.4564]

How can someone invite an avoidant partner to put the work for the relationship if they display most of the behaviour you talked about? Do you think that if they actually loved you, they would do it or are all these factors the ones stopping her to face reality and actually want to change? You see, seems to me, their behaviour is moved by a paradox, is there any hope for those people? How can I create a safe space for my partner if they would remain petulant, dismissive and manipulative attitudes, being passive aggressive and always playing defensive?

[@c.f.4564]

Pretty sure that if I sent this video to them, they would hate me and end the relationship in a sec. What do they need to actually try to change?

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Thank you for watching and for commenting. I do believe change can happen. Here’s the truth: 👉🏼 Partners with avoidant attachment withdraw when emotions get intense. 👉🏼 They struggle with deep fears that overpower their capacity to connect. 👉🏼 Emotional neglect in childhood plays a massive role here. "DOES THAT MEAN I SHOULD WAIT FOREVER, IN CASE THEY COME AROUND?" NO. They can be unwilling to change, AND still love you. DO NOT wait around for them to set the tone. That just makes it super comfy for them, and eliminates any motivation for inner child healing. Avoidant partners - like all human beings - experience varied degrees of readiness for change. They can be: A. Unaware - until something painful shocks them into awareness B. Aware - but unwilling to do anything C. Aware - and willing to make plans D. Aware - and taking action on the plans Which phase leads to real changes in your relationship? You guessed it: phase “D”. (You can offer some grace in phase C, but if they make plans only to sabotage them - they're ACTUALLY stuck in phase B.) So what SHOULD you do? Focus on YOUR growth. Because if you sit around waiting for someone else to change, guess what that means? YOU aren’t really ready for change either. In the meantime you might like this video: on healing avoidant attachment: kzbin.info/www/bejne/i6i7cpuNhd-UeMUsi=1j1fRvIBkx9vtbJM

[@surgeonvicryl4872]

​@@brianamacwilliam.attachmentmy avoidant is aware but unwilling to change.. what to do in such a situation? she knows she needs professional help and even her friends said she needs some healing to do. but she is egotistic and very stubborn

[@kathrinkweseleit7074]

⁠@@surgeonvicryl4872Healing can only happen if the hurt is unbearable or you are „ready“ to. My first time of „the hurt is unbearable“ I had to withdraw from the healing process in order to finish my degree. I knew back then that if I started now with the wounds I had from childhood trauma I wouldn’t be able to exit university orderly. The next time (about 5 years later) life forced me into the healing process and it took me three years to work through the tough stuff. It completely made me work over my whole life and behavior. It was great but also horrible and I believe I couldn’t have done it in a stressful job or a job where I would have had huge responsibility or if I had kids. My sister had this experiance too. She walked the Jacob’s Way in Spain and left her job. She is coming back into her power now and owning her life but we both took the luxury of time. Not everybody has the opportunity to do this. And the process is exhausting, hurtful and hard to go. So, please, do not judge too harshly. It is great to come out at the end and feel peace. But I feel respect for everybody who is not - yet, hopefully - ready for it. Because I know how it is to stand there, looking into the abyss of fear and not being brave enough. Today, knowing what I know now, I wish I had done it earlier but back then it wasn’t the right time for me. So, maybe it isn’t the right time for your friend yet and the only thing you can do is to offer help when she decides to take the step toward healing.

[@Imbetteringlove-wj5mc]

@@c.f.4564

[@thebirima91]

Which of your videos would be best to bring under the attention of your avoidant and dismissive spouse pls? Without it being threatening. Should also know that my wife already left the relationship and all efforts from my part have proofed to be futile. Thank you.

[@EzazHazarika]

patience isn't infinite - or is it?

[@forevermoss4007]

Question...can a avoidant have a healthy relationship?

[@BetterLoveMovement]

Not until they do the necessary work on themselves. I know PLENTY of Avoidants and their relationships are a total sh!t show. Some of them are in their 50’s!😑

[@sjmxi]

If they are doing work on themselves to be more secure and less avoidant then surely the answer is no, avoidants can't have healthy relationships

[@Nyumc99]

Great info briana. I’m new here but amazing stuff from you. Thank you. Tip in return for your great insight to my situation that’s helping me . I tried to click on your recommend vid on enmeshed families etc. nothing happened. As an about to be KZbinr, I understand that you can link your next video as an “end card”. Dr berg does this. Think media and many others show how and why you may want to get your team to use it. It’s great for viewers like me , that want to watch the next video you have made. Hope this helps you grow on yt. You are great and also, your information helps folks lives get better. 👌👏💕

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Hi there, thank you for watching and I’m glad that you like the video! I just re-checked, and the recommended video is at the end screen. It might have been a glitch before? Otherwise, you can also catch the direct links to all the recommended videos, in the caption of the video. Or here: Childhood Trauma in a "Normal" Upbringing: Unraveling Attachment Styles in Adulthood kzbin.info/www/bejne/m2aognygZ693rdE I hope it’s helpful!

[@Nyumc99]

Thanks again. Keep on with your great work please. 👌👏

[@fifitavesela]

Who want such a man????? Really

[@LePetiz]

There are avoidant woman in case you didn't know...i have one.

[@PB-md3nt]

or woman for that matter....I know I went through hell with my avoidant ex.

[@Android_insurrection]

My avoidant ex-partner took one of the tests and is secure, apparently. So easy to cheat that particular test as it is easy to see what answers are required to get secure.

[@eppsislike]

They're only cheating themselves

[@Android_insurrection]

Correct. You know that… I know that… she? it’s a shame as for 3/4/5 months we are great together… then she gets all twitchy and finds excuses… we’ve split up 4 times now. Unless she acknowledges her situation and takes action to deal with it, there won’t be a fifth time :-)

[@BadmemoryBadmemory]

Is it possible for avoidants to like/love/care about you yet acting all overly concern/ friendly/flirty with other people?

[@LeeJones-wk7xv]

I've had this experience with avoidants, absolutely. It's part of the bread crumbing, when other distractions are around they will focus on them, because it feels safe and new.

[@BellaStella-cb1rl]

I recognize myself

[@aleksandravovchenko4469]

My ex-partner is avoidant, sounds pretty much like him (and he also wanted to end our relationship as first)

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Thank you for watching the video and for sharing your experience. I’m glad it resonates. 🙏❤️

[@Chaana_Yahawadah]

Interesting topic. I fear I’m the avoidant one 😩.

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Thank you for watching and for sharing your experience. 🙏 I’m glad you found the video Interesting.

[@SandraWade666]

I felt like i was the only one doing the work with my FA ex. He stood me up after making plans with me 3 times, and that was 3 times too many.

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Thank you for watching, and for commenting. It is important to listen to your feelings and your discernment. It sounds like you held true to your standards, and bravo for that.👏💕

[@pauljamesbalchin1761]

I dated an avoidance for 3 years On, off on off, 10 times she broke up with me... each time I fought in the initial breakup for her not to leave... after having my say with no result, I go no contact... sure enough she reaches out or pretends to check on me... and away we go again... I love her so much but she's driving me crazy. We are in no contact at this moment... when she reaches back out... she gets upset that I don't write I miss her.... she I do this during no contact... I know no contact is about me working on me. Do I chase her, or write I miss her... or say nothing...?? She throws the blame on me that we break up... when I've always said I'd never leave... Arrgghhh!!

[@Khiarika1]

“I know no contact is about me working on me” and “do i chase her, write i miss her?”

[@jorgandar]

never chase anyone. have some self respect. there are other fish in the sea. being alone is better, far better, than to obsess over anyone.

[@yadirect]

"I appreciate, that you are reching out to me and i dont think this no contact will work out if both of us not properly heal, its not your fault to be this way, if you are willing to tell what made you to be this, iam here to listen" If she tell you or go defensive/angry there is chance. just keep listen dont judge or find solution immediately, avoidant usually because traumatic reaction of afraid to get hurt when they're vulnerable. If they go silent, respect your time and move on. Dealing with avoidants its hard than anxious, it turns me from secure to anxious lol

[@pocketdweller3771]

Run bro

[@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529]

@pauljamesbalchin1761 My take on the problem is this: RUN RUN RUN UNLESS YOU'RE A GLUTTON FOR PUNISHMENT!!!

[@beverlyhogan3682]

How about two avoidance? We are locked into an impossible to win situation where the solution each of us believes will help matters is the problem. I will commit if you stop wanting to talk about intense problems and stop being so reactive to things AND I will be less reactive if I feel safe in a committed relationship and we can discuss issues and resolve them instead of my brining them up again when it is as if we never discussed the problem. Each of these rationalizations keep us from moving forward as we are both actually avoiding intimacy. I am working on my issues ( and seeing things I do to accelerate the fear and avoidance in my partner) ...but the other 50% is not yet on board with it requiring us both to move from this untenable position.

[@rustyscrapper]

Your probably anxious not avoidant. Your anxiety triggers his avoidance.

[@nineangels7572]

I'm just getting to know an avoidant. I'm in 7 months, long distance, both of us 55+. The lack of communication is frustrating. Now, he only communicates on his days off (weekends) and only through a mutual group we are in. It's hardly a typical relationship. He keeps talking about the future and if I can wait just 2-3 more years. (his retirement) & (His teenage child going off to college) that's a lot of "waiting & ifs" and time to wait for me. Your thoughts?

[@reeyongutube]

My advice… get out. I waited 1,5 years for his life to become perfect. It never happened, every time something else came up. Also long distance, little communication, both 50+.

[@SK-no2pp]

This is not a real relationship rooted in reality. Avoidants may engineer romantic pseudo-relationships in their lives that enable them go a long time without having to deal with the realities of real daily intimacy, conflict resolution, and the dangerous feelings of dependency this can incur. This pattern only entrenches their habits and prevents them from learning vital relationship skills. You feel you’re in a “relationship” but in real life, they are not physically present tending to you in times of sickness, attending events by your side, or even doing mundane chores next to you. The illusion of intimacy is created without real life

[@jessd956]

The reply from @SK… is so unbelievably accurate. Please do not stay for something that you have not even seen a true glimpse of. You deserve happiness and a full relationship right now.

[@Peachesandcream994]

@@SK-no2ppomgg thisss. Like I didn’t understand how to put these in words but I was still trying to explain this to my avoidant ex and he never agreed with me.

[@maxsheerin8219]

Run for your life. Avoidants are often narcissists and destroy lives, they are never there when you need them and basically just fkbags with no accountability.

[@jaybonny1954]

I just can’t stay calm I’m not built for this life. Time to embrace being a piece of meat

[@Dasani_water_drinker]

Beat the meat don’t turn into it

[@EthanosTheMighty]

Can I ever get back with my avoidant ex girlfriend? We’re on talking terms and I’m trying to slowly introduce the idea of me being there for her emotionally and I want to be there for her when she’s ready to be in a relationship again. The reason she ended it was because she was very drained because I’m anxious attachment and that isn’t easy with avoidant. We made it about 8 months in the first time but never resolved the issue from the first time so when we got back together we lasted about a month. I want to give her time and space but I’m afraid she’s going to get with someone that isn’t good for her and either break her heart or break someone else’s heart

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Thank you for watching, and for commenting with your experience. A few things that stand out to me, first that the original issue was not addressed. And second that your concern is for her or someone else that she may or may not encounter in the future. Where are YOU in the middle of this? What do you really want and need for yourself in a relationship regardless of this partner? Can you let go of needing to be responsible for their emotional well-being, and allow them to be accountable to themselves? I think you might find this video helpful: How to Fix an Anxious-Avoidant Relationship (And When to Leave) kzbin.info/www/bejne/eonTZoWHftaeoqc Big hugs on the journey!

[@EthanosTheMighty]

@@brianamacwilliam.attachment thank you for responding. I will watch the video and start to think about what you said

[@EthanosTheMighty]

@@brianamacwilliam.attachment The reason she gave me for the first time was that we were arguing too much and she was tired of it. The second time around I kept my worries to myself which was a huge mistake I know I think we just needed to find out how to effectively communicate and validate each other’s feeling better. When we were together the second time I was afraid of bringing up any complaints because I was afraid that it would start an argument so I avoided bringing anything up and tried to stay happy. In a relationship I’m looking for things like mutual respect, mutual consideration, comfort, safety, and commitment. I want to have the chance to voice my concerns without making my person feel attacked or threatened in any way. I want to have the chance to compromise and grow from each other. The reason it ended this time was, in her words, she felt drained like she had no more energy left. She does a bunch of extracurricular activities so she was staying out until around 8 every night without having access to any communication to me. But when she came home she FaceTimed me and watched her show which is fair but I wanted to talk a little to her while had the chance. I got upset at a joke she made and after that she decided she wouldn’t make jokes anymore because that was the only one she made in a while.

[@EthanosTheMighty]

@@brianamacwilliam.attachment I can let go of feeling responsible for her emotional well being

[@EthanosTheMighty]

@@brianamacwilliam.attachment I’m pretty worried that I won’t get another chance and I want her to know that I’m here for her when she wants a relationship again but I know that avoidant people don’t find that very appealing and won’t pursue those people so I’m confused what I should do. I’ve been working in meditation and being okay with being by myself and also stopped worrying about her as much as I have. I’ve been talking to her here and there and I think I’ve gotten some emotional vulnerability out of her but I don’t want to scare her away. We’ve really just been talking about why our relationship failed and what we miss about it

[@adridebeer5316]

I broke up with my avoidant partner. How do we save it? Can we save it?

[@PB-md3nt]

The ONLY way that you can save this relationship, is to go through No Contact. Be prepared for it to go at least 2-4 months of no contact. You'll start to see your avoidant reach out. This has happened with me and my avoidant ex and it's a vicious cycle that I don't know if I want to repeat anymore with her.

[@heatherschaffer9406]

I got with a freak like this we were friends for 18 years. He, always wanted to date me then finally it happened. Twice it started like I love you want to marry you next day let's be friends with benefits and stop seeing each other. We, get back together next year. I love you you're the one. I had a family issue and just talked to him about it, then I am not ready for a relationship and we will not be a couple.

[@Imbetteringlove-wj5mc]

hey, i could feel you, I experienced this, after a long time, she always ended up saying we should FWB, she stressed me deeply and questioned myself a lot until I decided to let her go. It's hard because I still have an intense feeling towards her, but I can't continue hearing her careless words like that anymore, what does she mean when she wants to be a friend, what kind of friend anyway?

[@Nika-je6zd]

@@Imbetteringlove-wj5mctoxic friend one. Even FWB can be better than this!

[@andymcroon]

I speak as someone at the end of a relationship with an avoident woman. In particular, I sense that there is a lot of emotional suppression. To be more specific: she was closed at first, then she opened up, and now closed to a certain degree again. That is, certain things kind of disappeared, other new wonderful things came about. Still this leaves me quite confused. Watching the last segment in this video about the signs for when to let go, none of the questions apply. I wish I could communicate with her about this properly. I'm a bit scared to do so because of the fact to chase her away or make it harder for her so I'm searching for a good way to do that. There was a form of togetherness that was there with both respecting our authenticity and independence. Something else in this video caught my attention aswell: their fantasy of the perfect relationship and the fear of something breaking that fantasy. A lot of things to consider here. There's also a third element: a friend who she has no feelings towards who is also supportive so I guess she feels safer knowing that she doesn't need to battle her feelings there too. She does keep him at a distance tho. I do wish to figure this out but I don't know quite how yet because the "we need to have a little talk" will probbably have the opposite effect. She does recognize that she has trouble talking about herself and her feelings. I was always very clear that I respect and understand that and that there's a safe space here. It worked. It actually worked very well but why she suddenly draws back, is a bit of a mystery to me now.

[@grahamrenfro1984]

Mate, I’m in the same boat. My person left with no warning. I had a lot of these same questions. However, the reality is that the more you tack your brain, the less it makes sense. The sad thing about these individuals is that they are so scared and in need of such emotional support/recovery that they can’t be what you need them to be. It’s better to take the hard step and go no contact to heal. It will change your life and help you recover. Hope it gets better.

[@andymcroon]

@@grahamrenfro1984 well she is still around. Just as communicative as ever but there is a distance. I also don't want her to be anything honestly. I told her that numerous times. She is fine/perfect the way she is. No need to change, or adapt. I even told her I understand her fears and that she has all the room and time she needs. It helped. It helped a lot. Still, this happens.

[@grahamrenfro1984]

@@andymcroon really happy for you mate. I really wish you the best. You seem like a good guy.

[@brownell.landrum]

Wow I wish I had watched this video before the relationship ended. My question for you is whether someone being autistic can feed into this avoidant behavior.

[@wrxman16]

Good questing. Do you mean the avoidant is autistic or their partner? My ex gf (shes fearful avoidant) broke up with me 6 weeks ago, im on the spectrum and she said ive done nothing wrong, but that I'm "too logical" one of her flaws she pointed out in me.... it's who i am and I don't know how that could be a problem. I'm not cold she said ive loved her like no one has before, my heart is broken in million pieces trying to understand her perspective. Her "reason" for the breakup was that she is "too depressed" to be in a relationship as she feels like she's a "bad girlfriend) we are both in our mid 30s.....

[@brownell.landrum]

@wrxman16 in my case it was the man who was both autistic and avoidant

[@brownell.landrum]

@@wrxman16 I've been trying to reply to your message. The man was autistic and avoidant. I wonder if he even has the capacity to care about anyone other than himself.

[@brownell.landrum]

The problem with my guy wasn't just that he was avoidant, it was that he was also doing what's called cushioning which means he had one woman lined up before he ended up with the one before. He lied and cheated and lied and cheated.

[@charlonoora8353]

She said i abandon her when i go to work😅

[@IRatherBeHome]

What 😂😂

[@charlonoora8353]

@IRatherBeHome I laugh about it now. At the time I was in disbelief. I thought I was getting psychotic. She left with the kid, and said it's because I abonden her when I work from 12 till 4

[@IRatherBeHome]

I apologize for laughing but I honestly thought you were joking

[@charlonoora8353]

@@Moe90ies its hard for me to get a new girl friend because I am not the happy person I used to be. And I miss my kid so much 1,5 year later I still cry sometimes

[@charlonoora8353]

@@IRatherBeHome thank you, but I can laugh about it to now.

[@MarkLupson-it6xu]

She’s a clever girl. No doubt.

[@luketimewalker]

4 yes and a maybe

[@TheBestOfLisaRenee]

I’m an expert on Narcissists. I come from a family of them, and studied them at length and this sounds like a Narcissist.

[@etunde81]

What the avoidant is doing, is esentially emotional abuse and neglect. I don t know why we treat them better then narcissists or psychopaths. Each of them are esentially manipulative, abusive and neglectful. I also think if you react badly to their neglect, it does NOT mean you re necesarily anxious. Just means you have healthy needs, and you re reacting to emotional abuse which is a trauma response. I m a licenced psychotherapist, and all the personality disorders are esentially trauma response, narcissist and avoidant too. And none of them is better. All are abusive

[@fredslayton]

They are very similar but the narcissist comes from an enflated ego based on neglect and the avoidant comes from a lack of safety based on neglect. Very similar animals but different breeds

[@etunde81]

​​@@fredslaytontrue, but at the end of the day both of them neglect and abuse their partner. And if they don t do the work, they both remain terribly toxic partners to live with.

[@SH-lz9du]

Everything looks like a nail to an expert with nothing but a hammer.

[@T2Master01]

I wint fight fight for my love because she pretty much trained her daughter to be like her and make me responcible for their feelings though theyve caused their problems themselves and blame me. Im a scapegoat so they can have a semi functional mother daughter relationship and that still isn't working out too well for them.

[@MinorKey135]

I really hate reading all the comments dumping on avoidants. ALL those comments lack compassion. Yes sometimes people are terrible, but that’s because of their character NOT their attachment. The nuances of what their attachment does ultimately hurt them most imo (even as they also end up hurting you). Just wish people would keep things productive/constructive and not say hateful things about DAs/FAs Edit: the dumping is also why we usually don’t see a lot of avoidants’ perspectives in the comments

[@guilloutube]

Stop blaming other people for not having your own regulation skills set up. I get it, you feel they hurt you but most of what you describe is you being extremely anxious and not doing your own attachment work

[@kellykane6366]

I’m happy to see things from the other side. What I have a problem with is them going from person to person to person without taking time out to deal with their issues. Love bombing, lying, stonewalling, ghosting, cheating etc are behaviors many engage in when in a relationship. These behaviors cause trauma in OTHERS.

[@kellykane6366]

Are you serious??? I would suggest you read some of comments here by those who have been abused in their relationships but I’m not so sure you would get it.

[@camellia8625]

Yeah right. The avoidant suffers more pain… I don’t think so.

[@MinorKey135]

@@camellia8625 …I said they’re also in pain.

[@TheRealDebbieH]

Was so disgusted I had to quit watching

[@Rose-vc3fk]

Disgusted how? (Genuinely asking)

[@AWSRWS72]

Thank you great video. I'll watch again & again. And I'll watch the other videos you've recommended. Very helpful!!!!

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Thank you for watching! I’m glad it was helpful. 💕🙌