The True and the False Self

[@theschooloflifetv]

What do you think of the relationship between the true and the false self? Let us know in the comments or we have a discussion going on right now our app available free here: bit.ly/2vsEzRk

[@shawnlocotucker]

I'm not really comfortable with this binary, with this dichotomy. I take this as a useful fiction, this idea of a true and false self, but I think it leads down a rabbit hole of "am I being true right now?" or "am I being false right now?" I'm not fond of the fundamental idea that we are fundamentally true as anti-social creatures.

[@mekman4]

The School of Life Maybe there’s something to this, kids who are angry may become meek as adults as they become more aware of their thoughts and it’s effects on others. I personally don’t believe that having no filter is healthy, it probably masks anti social behavior, the kind we see in celebrities and pundits often. It’s a sign of being out of touch, which is what the average celebrity happens to be. Edit: Sorry about that, I meant to say filter, I was lost in thought. Good stuff.

[@gowthamg2081]

This is so true. Only when you are self sufficient can you truly be there for others.

[@billhoward532]

"It's never too late to have a happy childhood" - Therapy may prove helpful but there are many many ways to help recover your lost childhood and your lost self... (shared to fb & G+)

[@Leto85]

But doesn't the so called false self become the new true self eventually? Education is to learn after all, not to hide behind doctrines and politeness just because it's told to us, but because we have learned the values and deeper meanings of what us is learned during education and the consequences of staying in the old true self. I get it that therapy is needed in order to overcome the problems that come with if we never have gotten the change to be our 'child true self', as I so call it, but to stay in the end with a false and a true self is something I have my doubts about.

[@shankarnarayanan835]

This is soo relatable. I have never felt my true self and always felt like a slave to other people's demands and agendas.

[@miepmaster25]

If feel like a slave to the agenda of this human right now.

[@miepmaster25]

Roger Isaksson did you just tell Shankar to kill himself?

[@sauravgupta4103]

@@ajmeree I have poorly developed sense of self age 20. Will therapy help

[@sauravgupta4103]

@@roger_isaksson I have poorly developed sense of self age 20. Will therapy help

[@NarcatasCor]

Me too, I fucking hate that feeling

[@xuanius]

I remember always being on edge at home because whenever I was relaxed, one of my parents would unexpectedly scold me. I would be sitting in my room smiling and enjoying the peace and they would say, "look at you being all lazy and worthless." or launch into a lecture projecting abject failure in my future. The only ways I could avoid confrontation were to be studying, doing chores, or looking visibly upset. Those were the times when I felt safe. Sometimes I would secretly enjoy being depressed because they spoke kinder to me and I didn't have to be as on guard all the time. I even looked forward to being sick and catching heavy fevers because my parents were really nice to me when I was sick. After moving away from home and working, I've slowly started enjoying life without pressure. I read for hours on weekends and just enjoy being in a cozy room, because I can :) Sometimes I sit there and just soak in the environment. These moments always bring me peace, and make me very grateful for being alone, because it means I can finally enjoy living in the moment. The downside of this is that I have a nearly psychotic aversion to being around other people. I have learned that being around others = being on edge, and that I can only be happy if I am completely alone.

[@cheechchong3021]

I can totally relate to your upbringing - how have you made progress being social ?

[@nicolhelbichova984]

wow thank u for ur words, it made me realize that I have the same experience.

[@peacemekka]

The first two paragraphs is also my case. Hence I always behave like I'm studying despite the fact that I've totally lost interest in most of my subjects. I don't even know if I'll make it properly out of college.

[@ohmcb]

I can relate to it.. Distancing myself from other people in order to be peacefully alone, yet craving social interaction because we are human after all.. I think the best silver lining to this is that we have to practice respecting our needs and create healthy boundaries between others.. Hope you have a greater life rn ^^

[@souldancersbyjennifer]

@@peacemekka I hope you are working through it and makes it through college

[@whileimonmars]

Yup. I was never allowed to express myself growing up. I just had to listen, be quiet, and not bother anyone. I suffered through many years of neglect and I rebelled in some ways once I got into my teenage years. Now I have a certain contempt toward authority figures, although I still tolerate them if I have to, but I’m also more vocal about my feelings and opinions. In the end, I’m still learning about my “true self” since the person I was most of my life was shaped by trauma (I’m still fairly young though. I’m in my early 20s). It takes time and a lot of self-reflection to heal but it will happen.

[@lloydnguyen3438]

I hope u all the best !

[@shayb8203]

Damn you are gorgeous woman!!

[@fatimasiddiqui1585]

I am in the same boat as you, and I am 19.

[@user-en2ed1kp5g]

Same af I felt this so hard

[@Luna-ft8yh]

Good luck on that, you can do it 😇🙏💙

[@morne.bester]

These last few videos all had the same message - we don’t act like we want to - it’s because of our childhood - we need to see a therapist

[@literallygaston2489]

Morné Bester Well, they aren’t wrong

[@uusrano]

Freud approves. I don't.

[@Princess_Lilly13]

@@uusrano Freud was a weirdo :/ ...

[@FilipeMarcon]

Fundamental. Sine Qua Non.

[@blueberry7899]

No not really. Its saying that if our childhood was bad we might be messed up and need to see a therapist to feel better. If our child hoods are okay - the video is saying we would probably be well adapted.

[@moonvathna9817]

This resonates with me so much. Sometimes I feel like the things I do aren’t run by my own wants and needs but just because of what those around me want me to act in a certain way like my parents. I feel like a different person around different people. I feel like I’m my true self when I’m with my friends because they like me for me but my parents told me that they care about me too little to criticize me. I feel like I need to find the balance in order to actually feel like I’m truly me.

[@pattycake5643]

Kookie Cookie I kind of understand. I whent threw a bit of the same, my mom didn't like my friend, but in the end we were friends for years after until my friends death. But now because I hung out with my friend and avoided my mom I have neither and now am a people pleaser. I have a lot of love to give and am still missing who I truly am. I'm not to old to find me but I am to scared to go it alone. If I would have met people more like me eairlier in life my life would be so diffront, would I be happier, not always. But I would be me.

[@IndeedVancho]

Kookie Cookie I understand how you feel. That's often how I look at my relationships. And believe me I wish I acted the same around Everyone but I don't/can't.

[@IndeedVancho]

Patty Cake I hope you're able to sort that out.

[@suzanne893]

Patty Cake It's never too late for anything, everything is possible, so do what you need to do. Get back with your mom and build up your relationship all over again. It takes time and practice, but don't get back to things that are long gone. Instead, let go off them and be yourself, don't care what anyone else thinks, just trust your intuition and your feelings. Do you believe in God? If so, ask for help and guidance, he'll show you the way. You will find new friends and the sun will come up again. Life is too short to hold yourself back all the time. Good luck and never loose hope.

[@pattycake5643]

Austin Esquillin thank you...at this time I'm going with, no.

[@RINX444]

I didn't know this concept existed. I thought I was the only one thinking this way. I was suffering from anxiety and depression for years but of course I didn't know about it. I sought the help of a therapist, but it didn't help me completely. I ended up doing a lot of journaling and thinking until one day an epiphany came to me. I was too pre-occupied with being the person people expected me to be. I would constantly sacrifice things I wanted to make others happy even though no sacrifice was expected of me. I told myself I need to be more self-ish in the truest sense. Do things I want to do regardless of what others perception/disapproval/comments would be. And you know what? It did help me. The more I did for myself the happier I became and led me to be more social and loving towards others. After watching this video, I see why that concept worked. And now I'm going to be more conscientious around my nieces and nephews. I'll give them the space to be themselves and lower my expectations to be completely civilized. Thanks!

[@WILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLU]

this is pretty spot on for my experience too. because of my childhood i became too much of a people pleaser and i was miserable. now i'm changing

[@jbela]

Excellent,I just started journaling too. You're an inspiration.

[@hnyii]

Journalling has done me wonders too ..in just a couple of months at that.

[@dzanegulles]

Wowww thank youu for this

[@mahmoodkhudadadi]

It's my life story, why you wrote it

[@everlasting_me]

Becoming your true self starts with putting yourself first, in whatever way that may be.

[@kirstinstrand6292]

In my opinion, it often takes a lifetime to become our True Self. Unless one had wonderful loving, communicative parenting, full of tenderness and empathy, most of us must first unwind the damage before we can begin to discover our True selves. Life is too short...let's face it!

[@NokthulaMadondo]

So glad you mentioned undoing past or childhood foundations, as that is precisely what stops us from recovering our true selves.

[@haiphamle3582]

Agree. Going wrong then going right again, from the wrong place. I don't really agree that reversing back to a baby is the way. I think staying calm, listening to ourself, understanding our owned behaviors, then analyzing them properly, based on both feels and facts are the best method. Meeting the therapist is another one, faster and more effective maybe? Since they will guide us do exactly the same one above.

[@noelj62]

Personally, I act my true self when I'm alone. I ignore all rules and taboos. I call into question the say and act of every person in my life, myself included. No one is off board. Then I go over my thoughts one by one with a magnifying glass.

[@vanfernandesarquiteto]

Do you shit on yourself? 🤣🤣🤣

[@chicxulub2947]

@Skarra Baines Exactly... You cannot feel shame of being yourself in front of anyone. Being yourself only with yourself is not enough. One's personality can never be fully developed if one does not allow it. This is all about it...

[@chicxulub2947]

@@vanfernandesarquiteto I use to pee... 😅😂

[@kishanitaliya1408]

Paul it's much more deeper phycological than just acting conciously ...🙂

[@noelj62]

@@kishanitaliya1408 indeed. but changing my conscious thoughts seem to have a reflection on my unconscious mind. For example, my choice of answers or actions during my night dreams seemed to correspond to my new discovered self.

[@zacharydchan417]

You need to know the darkness in order to appreciate light.

[@SuperFaby27]

damn right

[@hnyii]

ugh, so painfully true, that is

[@NOONE-iq3zt]

similarly, you would need to know the light in order to fear the darkness

[@bluebeka2458]

What light? **stands in pitch darkness and eats a bowl of cereals**

[@hannahnymous]

It was when my depression was at its worst that I've realized that the root of the problem was I was operating as my "fake self" and became a people pleaser. I'm an achiever in school till I graduated university, a student leader, had an active social life, and was always trying to be a good person. But I was also unhappy, depressed, and anxious of other people's expectations of me. The lies and the pressure was killing me. I wanted to give up a lot of times. That's why I completely agree with this video. It's now my mission to find my true self and to love myself unapologetically because I want to keep on living.

[@abidemiadenle267]

Quite relatable for me. I also became anorexic in college and I suffered from trich. When I got out of that really bad depression, I just stopped caring about what anyone thinks of me. Now I'm relatively happy and a bit fleshy too. People see me and say "wow... you're so fat now" then I say "Thank you" with a smile.

[@hannahnymous]

@@abidemiadenle267 Hiii there! ☺️👋 I'm so glad you're in a much better place now and you're able to relate to my comment 😊💗 Wow it's so nice to see this comment again from 2 years ago. It's incredible how much I have grown since then. I'm loving my true self now more and more each day and I'm on a self-growth journey. Who cares what the world says, what's important is we live and speak our truth. Hoping for more beautiful days for us 💗✨

[@DaudZaidi]

@@hannahnymous How are you now ?

[@audelsalazar1962]

As a student and practitioner of Existentialism and Buddhism (which are sometimes at odds with each other and sometimes not) I will put forth two different responses to this idea of the True and the False Self from these perspectives: 1. From the perspective of the various Existentialist philosophers, all of whom agreed that the individual was responsible for their own life and had to accept and embrace this responsibility, the False Self is the inauthentic individual who follows the "herd" or mass society, rejecting or repressing their "passions" (what they love to do or being who they want to be) due to social pressure and conformity. This is what Jean-Paul Sartre would have called living in "Bad Faith" or a kind of willful self-deception as you would rather be doing and being something else. A famous (and often misunderstood) example of Sartre's was the Waiter who completely assumed the role of a waiter, which consequently subsumed his personal identity into the identity of the waiter, acting and doing whatever a waiter does, and more importantly, fulfilling society's expectations of what a waiter is supposed to do and be. In turn, the Waiter becomes more of a machine than a man, mechanically fulfilling the role of what a waiter is and relinquishing his freedom as an authentic individual. Tying in Winnicott's dichotomy of Self, the False Self would be the mask you wear while when interacting with others, while you only presented your genuine True Self when you were alone or among friends and family members that you trusted, which you learned the hard way to do as a child. The role the False Self plays in our daily lives as adults is that we fear our True Self will not be accepted by others and so we hide behind our inauthentic, socially-acceptable False Self. 2. In all Buddhist schools and traditions, the Self (or soul) is an illusion, an artificial image we create for ourselves of who we supposedly are. We falsely believe this Self (Winnicott's False Self) protects and comforts us but actually does us more harm than good, further separating us from reality, and more importantly, from others. Anatta, or No-Self, is the idea that by seeing through our creation of our Selves and realizing our impermanence, or more bluntly our mortality, and interdependence with others and the world around us, we will be closer to Nibbana (Nirvana) or liberation from dukkha (usually translated as suffering), allowing us to live a fuller, more satisfying life, strikingly similar to Winnicott's True Self and the authentic individual of Existentialism. While these two perspectives of the Self in Buddhism and Existentialism are extremely condensed and simplified, I hope they get the point across and that people realize the similarities, and not just the differences, of Eastern and Western thought. :)

[@MariaMartinez-ts4vq]

Audel Salazar wow, really interesting to read!!

[@NokthulaMadondo]

Well put. Links for further info or reference would have been useful. But thanks nevertheless

[@scrublord3376]

Viete hel what long -pp- comment this is

[@kennethong1852]

*Discovering your true self is really a matter of exploration. Nothing achieves this more than educating (not schooling) oneself.*

[@garretbrent1819]

I respond deeply to this. Many times during a day, I question if I have ever just been myself. I've become so good at playing a False Self, because I've always had to adjust myself to the socio-political situation I'm in, since I was a child. I've often prided myself on being able to adapt to anyone and in so doing, manipulate any situation. Whenever I've made strides to become a more authentic version of myself, I've always felt guilty for it, and have found that my authenticity rarely gets me the attention and intimacy I crave. But the True Self is one who doesn't need the attention and intimacy from others in such a way that not having it will feel painful. The True Self is strong in its ability to care for itself, and that self-love is enough to weather the lonely periods of life, and attract to one the right attention and intimacy.

[@crookedzebrarecords]

Take the meyers briggs personality test, you sound like an INFJ.

[@themodernmeditator]

You have just helped me understand narcissism - the toddler that never grew up and is emotionally stunted around the age of 2. My dad used to go into rages, smash and throw objects around the room, be physically and emotionally abusive, manipulative etc. With the aim to destroy 'mummy' and to test if she would still love him unconditionally. As a child I attuned to his emotions for safety and survival and comforted him when he came home late drunk late at night. I have a memory of him getting into a fight and he got hit with a knuckle duster - it was me that got a flannel and was helping him mop the blood from his face (my mum use to 'ignore' him and stay in her room. I was only a teenager at the time! As a result, I had codependent/people pleaser patterns, and my trauma response was 'freeze' and 'fawn'. Thankfully I've had a couple of therapists to help me through the processs.

[@Dierdre_Barlow]

That was like reading a description of my own childhood! 😱

[@desisparta]

As a kid, my parents taught me to never hurt anyone and forgive no matter how huge the pain others would inflict on me. I took this literally and as a result I got constantly bullied at school. soon my grades began to drop because of them. I've changed schools 3 times and still I made bullies because forgiveness was a sign of weakness and a opportunity to get away with hurting me. now im 21 and I have an urge to hurt someone because I want the feeling that I can protect myself. I want to be capable of hurting someone so that I can know that I can protect myself from sadistic people.

[@ariaran1871]

Actually I think there is no a true self at all.We are all a flux of constantly changing ideas,memories,opinions,and prejudices.Like everything else,we are in constant process of construction and destruction within ourselves.I think it's comforting to know this fact.

[@rosalilahimstergimst5148]

I'd suggest that honesty towards oneself and others about these constantly changing elements is what the true self consists of, and this honesty is sometimes compromised when the world around us is the higher priority, creating a need to be false at times, to 'handle things'.

[@bubbly7137]

There are also no spaces at all

[@Luna-ft8yh]

It is in deed :) however a false self will be stagnant. It will be the same as it was programmed to be, so we'll lack growth and change. Whereas the true self underneath longs for change. It is as you said ever changing. So what is underneath, the flow of ideas and concepts, can still not be shown in favour of an everlasting false face

[@Kgnsbdj]

basicly the self is your feeling of the self, saying that it's changing and therefor it doesnt exist doesn't make sence, if you 'true self' doesnt exist you wouldn't have a feeling of self at all, you would be a machine maybe that has no purpose, no interests, so on... the true self is all this things, its how your connection to the world is expressed and what are your desires, it changes but it exists with a small variation from how it existed the day before but generally speaking it would be mostly the same from day to day.

[@Kgnsbdj]

@Marianne haha like me most of the time, this whole video is about the development of a personality disorder and i happen to have one

[@T333TN]

My childhood- learning to walk on eggshells when I should be learning how to walk

[@lucymcnamara4558]

Same.

[@ruudschulten]

Wonderful said, a desperate seeking (for love) life in one touching sentence

[@jbela]

I'm 48 years old and still struggling because of the bad childhood. It also affects my relationships with the authority. And was other random people, as well as friends. I've tried meditation, journaling, reading.I've also tried to see a therapist but I got turned down by three of them because they were booked. I feel like School of Life can only help me.and at this time I still feel like I'm doing this on a wing on a prayer.it's nice to know that there are other people on these comment boards that have gone through the same thing.

[@peacelandhaven]

This message is a gift. It’s a reminder to be kind to ourselves as we peel back the layers and find our true essence. Thank you. 🌷

[@marek9081]

This makes perfect sense. I've never really been my true self and i merely adjusted to others, which of course made me anxious and depressed. Now thanks to therapy i'm trying to change it...

[@mestherchung]

Are u seeing some progress ma friend

[@sauravgupta4103]

@@mestherchung I have poorly developed sense of self age 20. Will therapy help

[@Horsie112]

I was raised not allowed to show personal emotions and I still haven't learn to be able to be angry to others because I was educated both in my family and at school that parents and school can never be incorrect or wrong, so being angry is unnecessary.

[@alwaysbeeurself]

The true self is scared to be, the false self protects it. It is only when the true self understands that it is ok, that it becomes what it is intended to be, what it always has been, and now free.

[@Dr.JudeAEMasonMD]

This is pure gold, I believe that the dark night of the soul that proceeds the spiritual awakening into the true self, the shattering of the illusion of the false self into an integrated authentic self IS the salvation experience, the regeneration of the soul in the recognition of the Word as the truth, the way, and the life.

[@lizp5449]

I agree,the dark night can last no the as we!l,but a truer version of self arises.Painful indeed,but it seems to be a metamorphosis

[@sebenzilemaseko5749]

That’s not your true self. That’s your mind and personality. Your true self is pure consciousness, it’s always been and will continue continue to exist.

[@edouglaspratt]

This is a wise, clever, people-friendly explanation of the philosophy of Identity. What we need is a useful procedure for taking stock of one's identity; a way for relating that to self-esteem; a metric for self-assessing one's self esteem; and a procedure for strategically planning how to build on identity strengths, heal identity wounds and fill the lacunae; then a method to transform identity and self esteem needs into new strengths. That whole process needs to be behaviorally specific and replicable... I believe that's what we need next. -Doug Pratt, Atlanta, Georgia, USA

[@98Blacklightning]

This is the perfect explanation of what’s wrong with me. I’ve suffered depression for 8, suicidal thoughts for almost 5 years. And I just turned 20... Growing up I learned that I need to adapt to whatever the needs and feelings of people around me are. That showing extreme emotional behavior was rude and would be punished by emotional torment. My mother always compared to other kids, told me in which ways I’m worse than them and that she wished me to be more like them. And that I was a disappointment. Love was only shown when I was being a good boy, complying and nice to everyone. Expressing my true thoughts and feelings would often result in shock and rejection. Making me promise stuff and punishing for not meeting the expectations. Whatever my mother liked, was good for me. Whatever she disliked, was bad. Kinda fucked me up and killed my soul

[@nicholasnopper6194]

I can relate to you fully, my man. I've never heard about this, but I constantly question whether I am being authentic or not. I'm pretty sure a people-pleasing nature has been nurtured into me, and it has jacked up my sense of self. I've found this new girl who also deals with the same issue. She grew up too fast just like me, and has never been able to express her inner child. I hope that we can help each other through it, because I see myself going far with her (we’re both from broken homes) I hope you can find the help that you need, because you sound like such a splendid person. If only everybody could be their true awesome selves without any interruptions

[@Maoam13]

Same here. My family was so fucked up and everything my mother liked, i had to like to. She always told everybody I liked the color blue the most and I just liked white cocolate and nothing else. But they were her favorites, not mine. She knew I liked black and I liked chips. But she insisted I have other favorites. So fucked up.Now, as I am grown up I feel like I don’t know who I am and what to do. I feel so empty and my depressen just got worse. I hope you can overcome your struggles and live a happy life. all the best for you

[@98Blacklightning]

Oh man this was three years ago, and I can say that my situation has somewhat improved. I now pay closer attention to my own needs and try to fulfill them, even when it goes so strongly against the shitty values and beliefs that have been ingrained into my innocent mind by violent force. I remember there was so much shouting, screaming, fighting and emotional abuse back when I was younger and especially as I went through puberty, which was when the demeaning treatment really started to grind me down and where I was unable to live out my true personality and discover life like a healthy teen should. I’ve been furiously insulted, ragingly demeaned, given a horrible conscience for minor things and intensely blamed for others suffering so many times it’s no wonder I ended up despising myself and my life and wanting to die. Not to forget the strict way I was expected to act compliant, responsible and mature and to excell in everything I did, even when I was pressured into doing it against my will. I remember wishing to have a normal family and to be able to enjoy life as excitedly and carefree as the other kids my age. I remember feeling so empty, abandoned and scared of the people around me. Damn that was really a bunch to go through and no doubt is has left deep scars gaping in my sense of self to this day. It becomes evident every day in the way I fear, avoid and distrust people, hide and hold back my honest thoughts and feelings, lie out of fear, constantly try to adapt and please, apologise and feel bad for everything I do to upset someone. And there’s so much more to list. However.. I’ve found that mentally going back and understanding the unmet needs enables me to purposely go out and catch up on the experiences I never had and thus continuously fill the gaping hole that has formed inside of me over the many years. For example I was often angrily pressured into wearing clothes I disliked and not allowed to discover and express my own personality through this, although finances were never a problem. I have come a long way making up for this by wearing what I like despite my grave fear of judgement and rejection which has been paralysing my authentic self for so long. There’s still a lot to make right and it’s hard but it pays off eventually.

[@lesstalkmoreaction_1]

Sorry this happened to you. I hope you find a way to heal and understand that your mother was also probably unaware of how that would affect you so try not to take it personally but I'm learning that we are all a work in progress I hope this helps

[@4Him4u2]

It will get better as you grow and establish your own life. Just be careful not to repeat that relationship in your life partner. It’s easy to do and is painful all over again. Take care of yourself.

[@dashamai1163]

There is a Chinese saying about the image of self: There are three mirrors that form a person's reflection; the first is how you see yourself, the second is how others see you and the third reflects the truth. What do you think about that?

[@ta3970]

I think you have to be highly evolved to recognize that 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

[@kubix426]

Just go into TV and you will meet your True Self

[@ibrahimchaudhry9024]

Wow.... so incisive.... & penetrating. For our growth & healing.... we really need to give ourselves... & others... the LOVING space to be unpleasant, broken & difficult. So we can process & purge it out of our system... & move on happier, calmer & lighter... .... baggage free. Thank you... heartily! Much Love, 🙏❤🙏❤🙏

[@shocktones9704]

I must be boiled down to how I was raised, a loving Mother and Father who sacrificed much to feed, shelter and clothe me. I felt loved and unafraid to approach them, they would listen and support and I knew they loved me unconditionally .Most my memories are fond. I've never felt as I haven't been my true self

[@eduardochavacano]

you are so lucky then... But love is not always good. Only an uncle or an aunt can really love a child.

[@marieb5251]

The girl's voice at the end always sounds like she's about to cry.

[@ARKUENE]

Marie B, she might if you don't like and subscribe :)

[@kevins7423]

I like her voice.

[@KMissPerfect]

i thought its a guy

[@Elivener]

maybe she is about to cry because she does not live her True Self))

[@romantheroman98]

I hate this voice, it's so annoying

[@mechakumquat9426]

This was the most relevant thing I've ever watched at exactly the most relevant moment.

[@alanavendano8254]

Same

[@riolawrance7080]

It's so true. Our life back then, really determine our future. Darkness and unwanted experiences need to be solve to unlock someone's soul to his/her nature. Thanks for making this video, makes me heal myself and if I can, I will heal another who feel the same

[@beyourownhero_222]

This explains so much. I’m 30 and about to start therapy for the first time in my life. I can’t wait to get started on finding my true self.

[@schwelly8052]

turning 30 and i need it

[@yaminishah2629]

Hi, how it has been in therapy so far? I'm asking this, because, I have been wanting to go for so long, but I don't earn yet, and I can't bother my parents, they believe this is all an overreaction. And I want to know, if it really has helped. My anxious brain keeps telling me nothing will get me out of the depressed state, I am currently in.

[@mountainjay]

@@yaminishah2629 if you are in a depressed state, in addition to looking for a therapist, you should also look for God.

[@Vargolis]

hows it going Brittany? how are you getting on since this message? much love

[@augijyotbali2131]

I think childhood plays a HUGE roll in building personality of an adult there by affecting an entire person .

[@NGH99999]

Growing up, my father was a good, hard working man, and he tried mightily to be "there" for my siblings and I, but he had a neurotic, emotionally reactive side to him, and he would blow up and yell at me if I did something he disapproved of. Since this felt like certain death coming over me, I of course learned very early on, and very quickly, that I had better STOP BEING ME and figure out (fast!) how to be a good little boy that father would approve of. So, yeah, I'm 49, and I've still got the fake thing down. Watching this video, I totally relate and agree with its message, and it emphasizes, in my mind, just how arduous it is to responsibly and effectively parent a child. What a huge, immensely important proposition! I am entirely convinced our modern world would be orders of magnitude better / more positive / more harmonious if children were allowed to fully develop their proper sense of self. Think of the adults they'd grow into, and the families they'd create. If enacted on a worldwide scale, we'd see massive improvements, on a humanitarian level, within a generation. That's the blink of an eye!

[@nickthenoob4968]

Amazed at how this channel seems to pull pages from my very own life's experiences.

[@kabisceral]

As a clinical psychologist, i keep learning and remembering thanks to you guys. You are awesome.

[@britneychelle87]

Feeling a bit shook cause this describes exactly where I’m at in my life rn. The therapy has been hard but this is very validating that I need to keep on this path.

[@isarfr]

How are you now?

[@LabzAli]

We are our true self when we are alone and not under any sort of observations. I have always known that ever since I was little

[@lydiatownsend7789]

I had a parent with severe depression when I was a young child. I walked on egg shells to make them happy or comfort them, so I learned to put on a good face and not complain. Even when I saw a therapist I struggled to actually say how I felt.

[@angeldemon5926]

I need to be true about my personality... About myself... I do love myself... But making other people avoiding me just because of my REAL self... Making me to hate myself... But no more! I want to be healthy! Physically and MENTALLY! Me avoiding those fake feelings is better than me being insecure forever... LOVE MYSELF💜

[@36summers]

Looking back at my Childhood and reflection on Adults years, I've always wondered why I always felt I needed to please others first before actually just being myself and doing whatever came natural to me. My mother was very strict and all of us, Siblings, felt quite scared of our mother. She ultimately drilled into us that our welfare came second to our neighbours for example, because somehow it Brough shame on us if we stuck up for ourselfs. If say we were being bullied. I can remember clearly a day when me and my friend were fishing. Some older lads were throwing stones at us. My friend, got up, challenged them and actually ran them off! I sat there at took the bullying. He was amazed at my non action, but I was more afraid of bringing a negative situation back home, so at the time, I was actually more fearful of my mum not the bullies. I was very impressed and quite Jealous of his bravery. Fast forwarding into Emotional relationships with the opposite sex, Some, not all, but most, have being built on pity, and feeling sorry for the other. Or taking on the role to fix them while giving them everything and then regretting it which fuels bitterness ??

[@CaptainOfTheLostWaves]

These videos are little audio sonic streams of ' headlines' : they operate on a mantra type style, constantly reminding you as to your true nature & the importance of core beliefs that have so often been overlooked or lost for many: they may repeat themselves, in the best ways, at times, but that is part of the beauty, a symbolic returning to 'life commandments'

[@bluegoblin2.026]

My true -self has many great things to say, however my false-self has restricted my comment, because in the back of my mind, getting no likes on this comment will damage my ego 🤔

[@a0um]

I disliked your false self comment. What now?

[@niafly159]

SnottyLottie ayyyy snotgirl!

[@bluegoblin2.026]

All in one I have subbed to you. 😁

[@774Rob]

Both your true-self and false-self have failed to make a comment of any value and you still got ninety-five likes. What does that say about your ideology?

[@bluegoblin2.026]

I'm glad to see my comment offended so many people, when it's purpose was the opposite. I'm afraid it's too late for us as a species yo evolve

[@6699Jackie]

This video really does speak to me, i am having therapy once a week and i struggle with who i really am and talking about what has hurt me growing up. Thankyou so much for sharing

[@kikaa6091]

I feel so sad rn because I'm slowly finding out that in my childhood i was neglected and told who I am and who I should be so often that now I can't recognize who I truly am. It's shocking for me to recognize that my parents weren't good to me and that our family is dysfunctional. I am still in my teen years and it hurts me to know that i may not free myself from my FALSE ME until I will be an andult. I found out that when I'm completely alone or when I'm drunk I feel sorta happy and satisfied. I don't overthink what I do and it's just so easier to do things I want to do when I'm not being judged by me or others. Yes this is kind of a self pity comment, but please don't judge me. I will be grateful to whoever was willing to read this. It means much to me that you were willing to listen to me, thank you. :)

[@An1MuS]

Know it will take some time for you to change but it is possible, I've been where you are right now. The most important advice I would give you is "Be your own best friend." Be kind, compassionate, understanding, and accepting to yourself. Imagine a perfect parent. Now imagine that you could be that parent for yourself in a way that it would feel like you're being your own best friend. How will it be? You will pay attention to the way you talk to yourself, and change it to a way that is more loving. In fact, you will love yourself unconditionally. See what that word *_really_* means and what it implies. Whatever mistakes you do, you won't beat yourself down for them. You will be supportive instead. If you're feeling sad, upset, unmotivated, depressed or *_anything else_* you won't numb those feelings and distract yourself from them, you'll try to understand what's behind them. You'll be with those feelings, all of them, you will listen to them, until you feel better. You'd do this self-loving little by little, every day, here and there, make it a habit, take a few minutes each day to ponder about it and to connect with yourself in a more loving way. Only when our true self feels safe enough to express itself within the walls of our own skulls, can it really come out unafraid to others. If our own head is a bad neighborhood, how else can we feel roaming in there but not in defense/attack mode? How can a person be their true selves with others, if they can't even be it with themselves? If I have a feeling and I'm the first to judge myself for it, how could I even expect to express that feelings to others? As they say, "All you need is love" :) Good luck

[@kikaa6091]

@@An1MuS thank you so much🥺

[@ckhospitalityadvisors6970]

The idea of the True and False Self is the conditioning which we have all experienced when growing up. I look at myself and realised that it was important to be obedient, to integrate in order to be and feel loved. Until I overcame the fear of failing to do so, to come out of this shell and fight for what I am. Hence, discovering my true self. The journey inwards was my saviour and the valuable years at the Convent school when I was in my adolescent stage, helped me to cope with it. Unfolding the unconscious.

[@waspenterprise1]

a false self is what you're left with after growing up with an emotionally self-absorbed narcissistic mother

[@sauravgupta4103]

I have poorly developed sense of self age 20. Will therapy help

[@carsonchan5102]

@@sauravgupta4103 Yes. Forgiveness, Respect, Acceptance of others and yourself. Its never too late!

[@mohacs1000]

To become a successful adult we have to learn to cooperate and follow rules. This is maturity and holds society together. Immature adults face major problems such as legal consequences when trying to fulfil their selfish needs and may go down the drug and alcohol addiction road to cope with feeling unfulfilled.

[@paulmetdebbie447]

Both selves described here are false. The real true self is not agressive, inconsiderate, asocial or insensitive. It is curious, outlooking, loving and accepting. Yes, a wrong upbringing can spoil a lot. But a right upbringing is not that which tolerates everything passively, but guides with strong love. Other than this video suggests, Winnicott did not have a negative image of the child's true self at all. I quote : "a well cared-for baby usually feel(s) confident, calm and curious and (is) able to learn without having to invest a lot of energy into defences". Please, School of Life, be accurate in the use of the ideas of others.

[@crisissocoylike]

Alain does put his bias in a lot of these videos, tbh. I think the School of Life videos are good introductions to general ideals in philosophy and psychology, but there's still a lot more digging to do within these subjects beyond a ~5 minute introductory video.

[@Miss_Swede]

Agreed. From my personal experience, I remember specifically and strongly how selfless, or whatever the word is, I sometimes wanted to be as a toddler. For example, I remember on my 3rd birthday that I wanted to give my mom the bigger of two toys because she was bigger than me I said. I proudly said this because I wanted to make her feel better and to be a good person. Only dared this if the people were kind/not mean to me of course.

[@MissRenesmeePretty]

Hanna Sofia Maybe there are people who are born with selfishness and other bad traits, I remember not wanting to share with certain people just because their presence annoyed me but I liked sharing anything I ate with my dog so I’m not sure anymore what the true self could be.

[@gabbieannie8025]

Id have to agree on this, getting all wild and not held accountable can be problematic. As I was watching the clip cant help but ask "so how should we differ psychopaths?" Are they allowed to be wild at young age cause they're supposed to? I believe not.

[@user-np6tf8zx1u]

100% agree with you. I think School of Life is missing the mark lately with videos suggesting terrible behavior is OK. Terrible emotions are OK but acting out your aggression on other people is not. The goal should be to channel those emotions into a productive pursuit, i.e. expressing them in a tranformative way that generates self-empowerment.

[@tonybudhasbuslife...4616]

9 years sober, clean from all chemicals, addictions started from child hood abandonment. Unconditional love is I" X😍

[@drogoscg1]

How free is healthy? What if a child is allowed to live more instinctually, but is secretly murderous, violent, and not just amoral, but immoral? It seems to me that some social constraints and norms have to be imposed on the young individual no matter what. Such impositions might cost the young individual some freedom to find true self, but for the sake of the group such constraints have to be taught and imposed from birth. I don't think as long as there is another person who may suffer from the actions of the individual can we truly be free in self and call ourselves functioning. We have to always have some minimum of empathy, sympathy, and compassion.

[@late2647]

i Granot Thank you. I was waiting the whole video for a small caviat, a nuance, a simple acknowledgement that our unconstrained, self centered "true self" is an impediment to society. You can certainly raise your child to discover himself, explore and become a unique individual, but I don't think refreining from punishing good behavior and rewarding positive ones, for the sake of both your own kid and people around him, is really what we should be doing. Other than that, it's not like it has never been done before. People I know who were clearly free to be their "true self" because their parent didn't give a shit, are self centered assholes, for the most part. Of course, I do not have a perfect assement of all of them and their childhoods, and that's only particular cases, so I'm open to being proven wrong here.

[@fizz-fozz]

It seems implied. Firstly, due to it being common knowledge to know never to let your kids do extremely wild and crazy things. They already know that and they expect you to already know that. And secondly, it is hinted at that those sorts of bad and extreme behaviors won't go without being addressed or even punished if needed be. The mother's scowl is a nod to it, and more directly, how the mom is drawn, telling her child to stop when they kick the other kid ( 2:39 ). The goal is to inform people about parts they don't know, not to re-iterate common sense. Every video essay is expected to be taken with a grain of salt and reality to cut out anything that's already understood in the grand scheme. Of course there has to be a minimum. The point is to allow more freedom to get closer to minimum.

[@Nitephall]

i Granot What the video is saying is that during our early years we need to be able to be who we are without being made to feel guilty or shameful about it. We need to learn that it is okay to express our true thoughts and feelings and do the things we want to do. If we don't get this validation, if our parents don't send the message that it is okay to be who we are, a message become deeply ingrained in us that says I, as I truly am, am bad, irrelevant, unacceptable. We learn that we are merely playthings for our caregiver's neuroses, and only in that does our worth lie. Certainly, as the child grows, it has to learn to conform to certain norms of society and standards of behavior, but we must first receive the message that I am okay, just as I am.

[@BigHenFor]

i Granot I think you misunderstand the point that the video is making. Firstly, every adult has to balance their own needs with those with those of society. To do that successfully and effectively requires a childhood that allows the child to learn that their needs of safety and security can be met by them being to negotiate with the adult world. Part of that process is learning that is learning that one doesn't control the world AND one doesn't have to try to do so to get what one needs. This essential step takes place in childhood where the child develops and learns how to behave with others through developing its Ego. The Ego is the problem solving part of the psyche that works out how to meet our instinctual needs (the Id) whilst following the rules and structure from outside that is internalised (the Superego). Good parenting - boundaries imposed in a calm but firm and consistent manner, structure, safety, and reassurance - leads to a well-defined and secure personality that can meet its own needs whilst functioning in the world. This personality is two-dimensional as it is the Persona - our social selves managing our interactions with others, and our Id, ideally working well together. Where parenting has been dysfunctional - violent, unstructured, or lacking, the child's personality doesn't work properly. They learn dysfunctional ways of relating to others and meeting their own needs, which can persist into adulthood. Such people don't recognise that they are unconsciously repeating patterns that no longer serve them. Part of that is acting out these patterns in order to get responses from others they more familiar with such as anger, rejection, and punishment. That's what Winnacott saw, and by subverting his patients' expectations of punishment and rejection, and reinforcing good behaviour, he taught them that they could change their behaviour, and get what they needed. The secret true self is the child-like part of ourselves that never goes away. It needs a distinct awareness of autonomy and a sense of agency and capacity in the world to not act out.

[@Hesnotoneofus]

Not that I don't empathise with your perspective but I think more often than not, we are good without social norms pushing us away from being these instincts. Education, knowledge, and wisdom change our true behaviours. Social norms are only that, what is visible socially. So many of our choices are free from this pressure so we must learn them elsewhere, if we are to become true and whole persons.

[@bingoandtoto]

In my entire life, almost 40 years, I have never been a true myself. And this is the first, genuine truth that I have ever come across in my life. The truth that I have never been authentic myself for a single second in my life so far.

[@thesupergreenjudy]

I think there is a difference between helping your child manage their emotions (after all, screaming and shouting and throwing things all over the place because you are in a rage is not what I would call a positive way of expressing your true self) and denying your child the opportunity to explore different activities. The latter is what often leads people to develop a different persona. Over the last few years I reduced my consumption of media that keeps reminding me of my less than ideal childhood and that I need a therapist and focused more on information about how I can improve my relationship with my parents. I have learned so much more from that than watching self-pity inducing videos which turn our to be a self-fulfilling prophecy for me. There is, of course, a balance to be had but I think being told over and over again that your childhood sucked and you are not responsible for your maladaptive behaviour isn't really conducive to improving your situation.

[@noahoowada]

I honestly think that Winnicott's teachings are so underestimated. When we learned about his theories in a psychoanalysis course, it was the theory that was directly applicable to everyday life. I am grateful to have learned about him. Being your true self and keeping your inner child in connection with your adult life is so important.

[@theschooloflifetv]

We're delighted to hear that you like him. He is the (secular) patron saint of the School of Life. We even have a soft toy called Donald in his honour!

[@smilleur]

I really needed to hear this today. My intake appointment for therapy is in a few weeks. This makes me feel a lot better about it

[@andrewl1556]

Knowing that the true and false selves have been studied is a revelation. Most of us are aware of the need to interchange change our "self" at different moments. At school for example, we mess around (true self), and then when the teacher comes in we stand to attention and be quiet (false self). But, a false self is required in any society otherwise we'd live in chaos. True selves emerge at certain times, at football matches, the pub or joyous weddings. That's why society needs to have the outlets for people to be their true selves and let off some steam.

[@gogo311]

I think all of this boils down to letting out your true emotions from time to time.

[@jasminehouston-burns1691]

I never had people to interact with. My mother was on drugs and my father was distant, angry, uninvolved. Recently I started AA and moved into a sober house. While I don't have a therapist, the work is extremely therapeutic. I believe I over-promise myself emotionally in some situations. While I can be very kind, and give people who need it really intense and intimate attention, I naturally find that I have my limits, and because I am unacustomed to taking my own space I find that when I need to close down I can snap shut and become mean or socially disoriented in other ways. I need to step back and really assess how much I can give, and also how I truly feel about how I'm being treated in the moment because I find that sometimes I actually feel disrespected, even if slightly, but respond by laughing or some form of approval. In trying to assess how I "truly" feel so that I can bring that to every conversation, I'm allowing myself to sulk, overreact, not care and just feel whatever those feelings are. This however does make me think of my deeper moments of meditation where I felt like I wanted to cocoon, to hold myself after sitting in the awareness of my fears. I might really allow myself to do that next time.

[@lusuzy2106]

I don’t fully agree with this theory. When we were young, we express our emotions so we can ask our parents to fulfils our needs. But as we slowly grow up we need to learn how to properly interpret our emotions and express our need. The parents need to discipline us exactly that. If they are extremely tolerant, like the ideal parents this video mentioned, then we will think expressing all of our feelings, even sometimes it’s hurtful to others, is okay. Then we either encounter socially rejecting situation because our behaviours so we learn to communicate from that, or we become psychopaths- to do extreme behaviours to get what we need. The alternative I think is this- let the kid know that all his feelings are justified, but teach him the right way to think about his feelings(why he feels this way, what he needs), and the right way to communicate to his surroundings(first parents then society). So the kid will live knowing all his feelings are justified, but not forcing other people to tolerate everything he does, and still successfully communicating what he needs from others. Adults often feel depressed or stuck because they can’t accept how they feel especially if it’s socially unacceptable, so they need someone to accept first(therapist) so they can accept themselves. So I agree the inexpressive adults need therapist. But the parenting part, no no no, please don’t be overly permissive of your child.

[@BigHenFor]

Lu Suzy Permissive? Winnacott was not being permissive at all. Often you can't tell people things, you have to show them. If a child is having a tantrum through frustration or fear that they cannot express or articulate in any other way, because their motivations are a mystery to them, then their parents must teach by example. Putting a frustrated child on the naughty step calmly but firmly, until they calm down teaches by example. This doesn't work with dysfunctional adults or children. These act out their bad behaviour because it gets them a pay off that they have learned to expect - attention even if it's bad like shouting or corporal punishment. Winnacott by not giving them the expected drama, and quietly sitting them down and talking to them about what they did and why they shouldn't do it again was being anything but permissive. Learning how to set boundaries without bullying or traumatising the child is something every parent is not necessarily good at. It's easy to have children, but it's not easy to be a parent. Why? People tend to do what they are used to. If they have been aggressively parented with shouting and slapping or, if they had too much freedom with few boundaries, they are not going to be effective adults, nevermind parents. Boundaries are needed not only to keep the child safe, but to give it the skills to get what it needs in life, i.e. to be an effective adult in the world. Therefore, they have to learn the right strategies by example. Most parents try to be good parents, but tend to only do what they think works. It's a fine and subtle line between browbeating a child into submission or raising a tyrant.

[@dumper926]

I think you are not interpreting the information correctly. Some parents - such as mine - dont allow their kids to express normal emotions. For example, one time I was crying because I couldnt go to my friends house (I was maybe 7 and crying about what kids cry about, pretty normal and not a big deal) and my dad's reaction was explosive anger, and then manipulative guilt trips that involved him crying and telling me we are a weak family because of my behavior. THIS is what the video is talking about. I had to learn to pretty much sit in silence and hide my feelings or else I'd go through that shit for HOURS at a time. I could never show emotions because my parents were so emotional and damaged. That is what this video is addressing. It's okay for kids to be upset and to feel angry. The video didnt say to just do nothing about it lol they just claim that shutting it down all or most of the time in negative ways can create issues when that kid becomes an adult. CASE IN POINT ME

[@dumper926]

Also, they say psychopaths are born while sociopaths are made. So you cant allegedly make your kid be a psychopath.

[@elizabethschwartz3619]

Lu Suzy You are wrong. They do not grow up feeling entitled. Do you know how I know? Because I was raised exactly how it was described in this video. I was tolerated as a child. When I was younger, I was extremely polite, did all my homework, and was just the nicest person, but at the same time, I didn’t stress over school. I truly was. However, I was a total ass to my parents. I would scream in my mother’s face and threw a chair once. A few years ago, I called them a narcissist. They never changed their demeanor. They talked to me softly and babied me... I am babied to this day lol. But I am not a jerk. You missed a very important detail. Even though they tolerated my badness, they taught me to be thoughtful of other people. They didn’t tell me to be good or respect them. They taught me to be thoughtful of OTHERS... they never directly said I should respect them. I was never told, “You don’t take toys from other children” or “You hurt his feelings. That makes you a burden.” I was told, “I know you don’t realize it, but you really hurt his feelings when you took his toy. Why don’t you go apologize to him?” And I said, “okay.” I wasn’t a bad person. I just made a simple mistake. In a way, as a child, I completely differentiated between the public and my parents. Be respectful to the public. Be whoever you want to your parents. You know what? I turned out okay. I’m 17 now and am beginning to mature more and more. My parents and I have a fantastic relationship. I really need to repay them once I get older.

[@coolboy-ty8kf]

Elizabeth Schwartz You don't owe your parents anything. Cherish them♥️

[@9grillo]

this resonate with me this is how feel, when i was growing up i wasn't alow to be my true myself and now im go to therapy to find myself. Now im a rebel but im learning how to be my true self instead of being what mother wanted me to be. Thank for making this video it helps alot to derstand what im going through and how i felt all those years and how i feel now.

[@creativitycave9374]

The thing is people and those around don't accept me and who I am. I know the opinion of others don't matter that much but where ever I am my true self the only one that likes me is myself. 😌

[@Luketaylor9729]

Screw them. Sometimes, it's better to have you're own company rather than that of others.

[@creativitycave9374]

Luke Taylor I sure did. 😁

[@BigHenFor]

Find your own tribe. How? Start doing things that you love that you can share with others. This will lead you to meet more people like you.

[@birichinaxox9937]

It does matter for me. The wrong environment is soul crushing

[@s4oren2]

God, every time I watch any of your videos, I feel so understood I'm always moved to tears.

[@Sprinterification]

If anything this scares me. My mum was depressed when I was young, she had four children under 5 and I was the youngest. My dad would get angry at little things. He would grit his teeth, raise his voice and his movements became wild. I feel uneasy even remembering it now

[@popopier]

This video helps me a lot. It explains why I have been difficult with any social relations, and how I should do with my 5 years old child. It gives me the courage to go on my everyday life. Thank you very much.

[@Kaykdoa]

My partner is allowing me time and space to be my true self (within the boundaries of safety) ....I appreciate him so much!

[@SFVetNeph]

I wish I could be my true self but even I don’t know what it is anymore. 😢

[@henrydaquipel8700]

Mr. 'Grey' Rodgers Sighs. Same here.

[@BigHenFor]

Then start to get reacquainted with yourself. How? By doing something new and different each week, and keep a journal about these new experiences. Expand your horizons. "You are not a tree - if you don't like where you are, then move"

[@birdontheinternet]

Big ass mood

[@SFVetNeph]

Well things are way better now. The bully at work is long gone. I’m a key worker officially which helped me get over my burnout. I’ve rediscovered myself during lockdown with my old hobbies. Even passed my exams without even taking them! I am a caring, responsible, creative, and intelligent member of society. ✊

[@gemilangsibarani4310]

@@SFVetNeph glad to hear that, hope your life will get better

[@jamiem5504]

it is like you just went into my brain and understood the root of all my psychological problems and explained it to me and now im crying

[@ryanliberty]

This was a beautiful and clear explanation of an important concept. ❤

[@pequenogato12]

BRILLIANT MESSAGE!! Not having any space where we can be ourselves can make life at work even more miserable, way more miserable than it already is. I noticed how I started to have a more successful professional life after going to therapy. Even if I was doing the same kind of job. Sorry if you're tired of hearing it all comes down to your childhood but mainly it does!!!!

[@yoyobuddie757]

I fake my personality in everything religon, love,smile, friendship, my dreams and ect................... I don't know what too do. I feel hurt. I want to know who I am I hope I can be myself In the future.

[@luisurena9876]

Try to do the things that make you feel good and peaceful inside; do them as much as you can. I think a psychologist can help too, yoga and meditation, journaling, and other tools. We're in this together.

[@nehaantony3751]

See...sometimes its better not to be you.......nobody is born perfectly .we all have something wrong...if we kept that negativity with us by being ourself its more dangerous ...be the one you love to be....for that you need to throw out many thoughts and habits...... so by sacrificing the bad you be the best you whom you really wanted to be... Dont try to love the one whom you are.....be the person you love you to be.....it will make. U happy...trust

[@crimebelt]

But I don't to want to be like a kid too .-. So...what now?

[@nehaantony3751]

@@crimebelt then be the one you wanted to be.....its you who finally decide where your thoughts must go and what your mind must tellll......fins it ..

[@nehaantony3751]

@@crimebelt then be the one you wanted to be.....its you who finally decide where your thoughts must go and what your mind must tellll......fins it ..

[@cmwenda92]

The best thing about this channel is that it gives quite an unorthodox way of viewing concepts we or as humans generally think we know. The true self and expressing him/her vs the false conformist self is something I hadn't quite thought of along those lines. Thank you for yet another eye-opening video and something else to contemplate

[@spiritedrenee9895]

I was thinking about this earlier today. It's like you guys read my mind.

[@charmedprince]

Description Untitled me too. I was busy self diagnosing myself yesterday if i have Asperger's syndrome and then this vid popped up

[@mikgol81]

Synchronicity = the universe communicating with you

[@snjmriguy1]

Only mom was allowed to be the monster a child is supposed to be. She was a monster. It sucked the life out of me. This video makes so much sense. Thank you.

[@bryanvasquez6388]

I wish I knew who my true self is, I'm dying slowly feeling fake and unhappy. I'm so scared to let my guard down.

[@Prabash_Prabhu]

I go to therapy every week and get everything off my chest. It has helped a lot. Before therapy I would keep everything bottled in and refuse to cry and remain stoic. Now I see that my emotions are trying to tell me something and that I should "feel" me emotions which allows me to then analyse them with clarity and rational. It's hard being your true self as an adult so the therapists office helps alot

[@kp2kpx]

Best channel on youtube.. Hands down..

[@sebastianelytron8450]

I searched for the "Hands down" channel, couldn't find it. Care to send me a link?

[@kp2kpx]

kzbin.info/door/ssqLB2qVDmP-DvI5hIndfw

[@AfterschoolPsychology]

Sebastian Elytron Looks like I'm gonna have to change my channel title

[@Hans-tr6dx]

yep I agree. together with Stefan Molyneux

[@sebastianelytron8450]

KP Singh Come on! Even TSOL is better than that channel. You seriously think that's the best?

[@me0101001000]

This video is not immediately relevant to me right now, but when I decide to have children, I'll definitely come back to this again. Once again, well done.

[@sophiapinkomg6343]

I literally started crying while watching this because I relate to it so much. I feel like I have to be perfect and it's destroying me. And it really doesn't help when my mom praises me for being such a great child because that puts more pressure on me. So then when I do slip she thinks I've become a different person and gets way more upset at me than say my brother who has always been more of a trouble maker. I'm still a teenager, Can I turn this around?

[@kalmarlajos7301]

Girls are normally expected to be more compliant than boys, by society and parents. So, the chances are small that your mother will change her ways. Instead, you need to rely more heavily on yourself and summoning your own powers in this game we call call life and family : ) My two cents...

[@serenevalor]

At some point...we have to stop blaming our childhood, past, caregivers and others for our wrongs... I'm glad psychotherapy allows and helps people to move forward from the blame and onward with their life.

[@Alireza-zc3kc]

Wonderful video , there is only one big issue, not all therapists are skillful and great at what they do. I do absolutely agree with the contents of this video, but finding a good therapist almost requires a good luck otherwise you end up spending 1000s of bucks for no reason. That's according to my previous experiences with therapists. And it almost makes you think there is no way out of this

[@caa9ify]

I grew up with an alcoholic father and a busy mom so I never really communicated my feelings bc it wasn't important in the grand scheme of things. I'm 18 and I started a professional job and am now realizing my problems with communicating and getting along with others. I'm really closed off and dont know how to be vulnerable but now that I'm aware of it I'm constantly trying to work at it.

[@contr4dixion]

Interesting. I feel like I've put myself through one such process where i become quite an unbearable ass to my family. I feel better now and more willing to give and take, but also more assertive of things I truly want.

[@starseed45]

I lived my entire life as the false self my evil, narcissistic mother and mentally ill alcoholic father created in me. It was self and other destructive.50 years of therapy only allowed me to train therapists who got into it to heal themselves. Now with the help of the amazing videos on KZbin and my studies of Stoicism I am hoping to find the authentic me that was brutally crushed when I was Born!

[@jillbosonetto8230]

How do we raise children with freedom to be and emote, but also teach them manners and boundaries? As in, you cannot hit others when you feel angry...

[@Esbro]

Jill Bosonetto How it is said in this video there has to be a phase where he is allowed to do anything, it musnt have to be his entire childhood that would be spoiling. The kid must explore different feelings and emotions and it needs the help of the parents. There are people who couldnt be really angry and aggressive in their entire childhood. They learned that that was absolutely forbidden so they soaked that all in and made them unhappy in their adult life. Always keeping everything in and in makes you so unhappy ... Thats why kids must learn what it means to be aggressive, destructive and wild while its still possible. After you let them explore it you can teach them things like manners. First emotional education, than intellectual.

[@jillbosonetto8230]

Esbro, I understand. At what age or point does one switch from allowing the destructive and wild to teaching respect of others and boundaries do you think? I ask because I have little wild ones that SEEM perfectly spoiled. I'm trying to find boundaries myself, lol.

[@Esbro]

Jill Bosonetto Well i guess there is a reason why therr wasnt an age named in this video too. I think it really depends on the child, the parents (that means you @_@) and the circumstances. Maybe it is the duty of the parents to observe the children and think for them while they cannot do it for themselves. It should be your duty and right to raise your child properly and that means you have to decide when you think the child is old or mature enough to be prepared for adulthood, thats what manners basically is.

[@jillbosonetto8230]

Esbro, thanks! Parenting sucks. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

[@Esbro]

Jill Bosonetto Yeah but its better for the long term if you do :D You get happy when they are happy, you are proud for their first day at primary school, their first girlfriend, Graduation and job and so on.. If you dont make kids youre pretty alone with your money :( I read somewhere that money only makes happy if you spend it for other people (you love).

[@Nitephall]

Wow, the synchronicity. Just yesterday I looked up Winndicot on Wikipedia to check out his "false self" idea. Then today this video pops up in my KZbin app. Thank you for this video; it's very illuminating. You described my mother perfectly. I couldn't be who I was, couldn't feel what I felt, couldn't do what I wanted to do or say what I was really thinking. I had to conform to her neuroses. All my life I've felt something was wrong that I couldn't put my finger on, and Winndicot and you guys have helped me to understand. Thank you 🤘

[@theschooloflifetv]

We're delighted you've discovered Winnicott.

[@lloydnguyen3438]

Best wishes to u my friend

[@emilyb7867]

Another helpful and eye-opening video. Thank you for uploading such good content!

[@dianawitherspoonrivera4756]

These are some of the healthiest, most constructive videos of all time. Bless you for sharing them!!!

[@lokisfriend]

While there are many good points here, boundaries must be put in place, lovingly but firmly. Allowing all these 'true self' actions many times violates others, for instance, screaming, biting, etc to another little one is not healthy for either. We live in a world with many other species and must be taught how to get along and not run roughshod over others. We see many children today brought up with this mentality of letting them do anything and they are beasts, pardon me, but we all have to learn that the world does not revolve around us and can be done so lovingly and before it finally dawns on us eventually.

[@adamtrott78]

As a twin with a twin sister who was and still is very needy, I have always bent to others will. I quietly cleaned my plate when she would fuss and whine over eating new foods. I was the one who didn’t express my frustration during long comp essays in elementary school after she threw her fits. I was always the easy child behavior wise. This has cause me to flinch and backpedal on any choices or views given mild criticism or aggression, and caused my sister to be completely uncaring of my parents will and reactions. She will not change for anyone, and i change for everyone.

[@SciencewithKatie]

Very well done and as interesting as always. 💛

[@janaalabin6826]

Watching videos like these make me really happy. I am healed through this video. Thank you for this video.

[@19abhishekbanerjee]

School of life is very insightful indeed.

[@philosothink]

these videos make me cry while simultaneously feeling hopeful. ty

[@snsmystic]

I don't believe this video suggests that children should be pampered and run wild, and should be taught and learn self-discipline. However, I do believe this deals with "parentification" where the children learn to suppress their valid needs in order to help manage the stress and anxiety of their caregivers. They become people-pleasers or covert or overt narcissists.

[@alonbechor1842]

This video completely emphasizes what regularly goes through my mind. Before watching it,I would never have thought that this phenomenon of faking the self identity while near my caregivers does really exist somewhere else.

[@sevenstoneplace7200]

So many of your videos end with therapy as the recommended course of action - but what about those of us who can't afford therapy, who don't have insurance and don't live in countries which support our mental health? what are we supposed to do? it was a good video but it makes me feel hopeless when the solutions presented to these problems I identify with are beyond my reach.

[@BigHenFor]

Seven Stone Place Do your own therapy: 1) Practice staying present in the moment by practicing meditation or mindfulness techniques; 2) learn how to take care of yourself by acquiring habits that promote mental health and have other benefits too: regular exercise, eating healthily, sleeping enough, self-compassion, and journaling about your feelings in tandem with 1) will give you added capacity to withstand stress. 3) be discerning about what company you keep - sometimes the fear of loneliness can lead us to tolerate people who are simply not good for us. Avoid people who are narcissistic and don't have the patience or kindness to be good friends. If they disturb your peace of mind, make you feel anxious, or uncomfortable, stay away from them. 4) remember to have some fun regularly - reward yourself for hard work and goals you have achieved by doing something that makes you smile. This doesn't have to be expensive in time or money, but it should make you smile. Moreover, you'll be more relaxed and less stressed; 5) give up trying to control others or events - you can only control yourself. 6) Be grateful - even the poorest of us has things they can be grateful for, but sometimes we forget our blessings. A daily gratitude list in your journal will pay dividends. 7) Curate your exposure to the media - the TV and social media can waste a lot of time and expose you to people and ideas that aren't healthy for you. The news especially can present a distorted view of the world in order to get people watching it. Avoid or limit your consumption by being very selective about what you watch. There's a reason why Silicon Valley CEOs denied their children use of social media, and the scandals around it suggest that it should be treated with caution. 8) Don't be afraid to ask for help. If you can, develop a network of people you can trust to talk to. A good listener is worth their weight in gold. 9) Read self-help and motivational books. Programme your mind for success. We all stand on the shoulders of giants, and it is sensible to learn the habits of successful people. These are some of the things you can do. Take your own life into your hands and learn to live a good life.

[@VictorYamaykin]

I second the importance of finding a trusted, active listener (anyone even a bartender or barber maybe?) who reflect back what they heard and help you sort out your own thoughts, feelings, desires, goals, dreams, etc. by hearing you out. Writing helps sometimes but talking it out with someone over coffee can too

[@KimberlyLetsGo]

That has to be a very difficult position to be in and would make most feel helpless. Have you considered seeking out books that may provide you with insightful thoughts? That's what I did a lot of when I was much younger and couldn't afford counseling. Hopefully there is a library close to you so the investment would be practically nothing. Books by John Bradshaw may be a good place to start. I learned a lot from them.

[@crisissocoylike]

Hey-o, spagetti-o! If you're in the USA, usually you can get a therapist via Medicaid if you currently have low monthly income. www.betterhelp.com/ is also a good low cost alternative, for therapy, if you have to pay for it.

[@mariannaackerman6093]

I think you raise a very valid point and I don't know the answer. There's something called "Co-counselling" in some countries which is free and done within a context of emotional safety, but it's not the same as having psychotherapy. I guess School of Life isn't there to address all the problems--their mission seems to be in part to educate people about the need for therapy, but you raise a really significant problem, which is that it's often only available to those with money. I'm sorry it's a problem for you, truly.

[@Mike-fx4wk]

Blew my mind. I found this channel today and I'm thankful. U just clarified something I Instinctively knew was going on inside me but I couldn't work it out. Perfect.