The Typical Backstory on Neurodiverse Marriages: Why You're Having Problems!

Downloadable programs:
--- Living with ASD: eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples- www.livingwithaspergerspartne...
--- Interpersonal Relationship Skills: eBook and Audio Instruction for Male Partners with ASD- www.neurodiversemarriage.org/...
Coaching services for autistic male partners:
--- Skype Group for ASD Men Struggling in Their Relationship with an NT Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/20...
--- Skype Group: ASD Men’s Master Class: www.asdmasterclass.com/2022/0...
Coaching services for neurotypical female partners:
--- Skype Group for Neurotypical Women Struggling in Their Relationship with an ASD Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/20...
--- Skype Group: Recovery from Cassandra Syndrome for Neurotypical Spouses: www.cassandrasyndromerecovery...
Coaching services for the ASD + NT couple:
--- Skype Group for Neurodiverse Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.adultaspergerschat.com/20...
Individual coaching services:
--- One-on-One Sessions for Struggling Individuals and Couples Affected by ASD: www.adultaspergerschat.com/20...
Access to “Members-Only” videos:
--- Get your perks here: / @markhutten
Parenting resources:
--- Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children and Teens with ASD Level 1: www.myaspergerschild.com/2019...
--- Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: www.high-functioningautism.co...
--- Discipline for Defiant Teens on the Autism Spectrum: www.myaspergersteen.com/
--- Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.autism-meltdowns.com/
--- Launching Adult Children with ASD Level 1: How to Promote Self-Reliance: www.launchingadultchildren.com/
--- Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Kids on the Spectrum: www.social-skills-emotion-man...
--- Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: aspergers-mystery.blogspot.com/

[@markhutten]

This back story is what I run into a lot when I'm talking to neurodiverse couples. In other words, here are some of the Dynamics in place that lead up to the problems you're having today. There's some variability from couple to couple, but this video describes the bulk of what you may have experienced in your ND marriage…

[@adrianmargean3402]

I didn't know what was wrong with me for my entire life and I felt like I might be just stupid or just "wrong". I am glad that I have found so much information on KZbin because no one else cares enough to talk about these issues and tipically, doctors don't listen to you when you explain it, or at least they don't listen to it with an open mind, enough to where they can probe or investigate further to be able to reach a diagnosis. My life still sucks and finding the right information didn't "cure" me, I struggle every day, but at least I know what I'm working with.

[@smolove3336]

This is my husband and I...married over 13 years with twin boys and it's been so heartbreaking. I feel like my empathy has expired but I love him so much and have never wanted to abandon him because i know so much about his childhood. And my childhood makes me want to also not have a broken family. I keep praying for healing and understanding and repair. Thanks to Mark I have learned a lot❤

[@cinbadem]

Our story is sort of similar. i have a daughter now and i worry that how my husband treats me will deeply effect her understanding of relationships should be. i do not want her to be OK with such negativity.

[@mexicanfoodjunkie8857]

sometimes 'broken' means staying together. I've seen so many situations when the family finally heals after the couple separates. Ofc, I don't pretend to know what's right for you, but I strongly believe that in some cases, divorce is better for the kids.

[@JJJettplane]

My ASD spouse never took the effort to mask and present himself as connected from the very beginning, and I knowingly walked into the marriage I knew was lacking deep connection. I know I did this because I also didn't receive any emotional nurturing from either parent growing up. The things that attracted me in the beginning are the things that help me stay married today. He's sincere, stable, predictible, and basically kind. But there is absolutely no intimacy whatsoever. He is a very mute ASD person and I have to build my life toward my own happiness and accept the loss, thus taking the pressure off of him to be something he isn't and never will be.

[@kittydonovan1452]

Wow this is my life and relationship! I knew from the beginning that there was a deep disconnection but I was drawn to the stability and safety he seemed to provide. Neither of my parents were emotionally available and I had just left a very toxic and unpredictable relationship so he seemed safe, dependable and kind. We’re both early 30’s and have a young child but I honestly don’t think I can live the rest of my life like this it’s soul destroying and so lonely at times. I miss true intimacy so much but I also know I walked into this relationship knowing something wasn’t right so I have to take responsibility for that part.

[@JJJettplane]

@@kittydonovan1452 I.know exactly how you feel. I've decided to stay in the marriage and it's now 25 years! I also raised our son without much support and he also has ASD with many challenges from high school forward. I strongly believe if I had walked out our son would not be alive today. ASD people need partners, navigators, advocators, basically care providers because they don't know how to look out well for themselves. It's really hard work! If you make the decision to leave, don't feel guilty. My best friend and I who have both been in this kind of marriage for decades both say we would have run the other way if we knew what the marriage would be like. It's very very hard work and not much in return. People on the outside can't see the challenges but doing what you have to do to survive is a must. Your child will see why you did it later, when they're older.

[@dada_ismuss3636]

I can feel you so much.. I also knew it from the beginning but ignored it - i ever since only had abusive relationships before..... (Today i'm even overwhelmed by how well my intuition worked and what i was able to know by feeling, i just didn't know where to put it, sooo weird). I just figured out a few weeks ago that my 15 years lasting relationship and his whole family is on the spectrum and mine as well (I think I have "only" ADHD, this is the point from where I started my journey of understanding). He don't know he is on the spectrum, he doesn't want to know and I don't know how to tell him. I do feel all his pain, and all his struggles but i can't live this "lie" anymore and i don't think that i have the patience and streinght anymore to fight that "little by little-fight", i have already developed some physycal issues and autoimmun problems which i need to start taking care for.. The problem is that I have been told for 15 years that almost every single Meltdown or Shutdown has been my fault. While i was actually really trying everyrhing, from all my ❤ to help and support him. If you ask others i'm a real people pleaser. Because of my ADHD-Condition it's been easy to make me believe that i'm stupid, disable, to sensitive and that i can be glad to have somebody who doesn't care and loves me for who i am. He is very selfe-centered but he keeps on telling me that i am selfish, i keep, keep keep on trying harder to do it better, but it is never enough. (My predecessor, his Ex-girlfriend who allegedly helped him threwout university and did mayority of the studys, has been hitting her head on the wall cause she wasn't able to cope the fights and meltdowns, he told me cause he thought she was mental. She were never allowed to meet the family and he took care very well that we both are chanceless to ever get in contact to each other. i think about her a lot). But the other way round i can track nearly every single thing he says, from day one, back to himselfe and his needs. I don't really exist there, i must swallow everything and function or i can go. I feel like his puppet and punchingball in one, which is not really allowed to have needs or emotions. But if he is thinking about his family - and he do think about them a lot - he is showing a lot of empathy, and i am 100 % sure that he would never wish any of his sisters or niece to be in such a loveless relationship, he knows very well that humanbeeings need a little human touch sometimes.. His family is worthy masking all the time, but to touch my shoulder, give me a hug, provide a bath for me after work, or go out with me (a quiet walk by the river, i also don't like crowds) for only ONCE A FREAKING YEAR is to much? Is that really asked so much? Is it so selfish and ridiculous and unnecesarry? I mean how can somebody need that much understanding and support of others, while nearly absolutely never having understanding and support for others, espicially me. It feels like i want to become crazy because i can see the whole tragic within this family (and my own too). I think almost all of them are on the spectrum pretending to each other they are "normal", everybody has his strategies - they are all kind of together lonely, avoiding and hurting each orher constantly - but they also have kind of natural understanding for each other. (And to be honest - with the AHA of today i did a lot of things right out of intuition, but even acting right was the wrong thing sometimes, because my acting was so different from how other people usually respond, does that make sense?) The daily load is on my shoulders, he doesn't work, he doesn't do much at home. He only watch TV, play online games and lately a lot of lotterie., which also gives me heartattack when thinking about it. I don't think he is addicted yet, but on his way. Hard to stop him cause he will feel offended quick, since he doesn't go out or spend money on other things. But if you ask him - it is him who carry the load - i would be working with or wirhout him. If a conversation is getting only near to close around the topic of him working or doing anything for other people - this is like almost the instant trigger for a coming Meltdown. One can imagine, i don't ask and i try to stop other people from bringing up the topic. Sometimes it feels like i even get blamed for not carrying the load "more happily", but if my mood is to good it is also a problem. If i do the cleaning/washing he feel disturbed, but if the house becomes to ruff, he starts blaming me. He tells me to ask for help but if i do (and i really don't do it often), i get blamed for my selfish asking, or i need to wait months, if i have asked once i'm no longer allowed to do it on my own, no matter how long it takes. If i am buisy with myselfe or i don't catch the hidden hint of what he wants me to do for him - this is probably the next trigger for a melt- or shutdown. In gemeral i don't recieve any thank you or sorry, espicially for the big things, sacrifys or compromises. I only remember about one sorry after he ignored me for one week. If we have a discussion i can never "win" it, even if i'm a 100% right, he allows no research or asking other people, up to that estend that he is forcing me to do things "wrong" or blame myselfe outside, which is pretty tough to cope wirh my RSD-Symptoms. (Example: He forced me to call a insurance and "stand for my rights" . He was convinced that if your car spoils by itselfe the insurance has to pay, i knew she will 100% not, i blamed myselfe horrible, after the call he even first doubted that "i did it well"). I can't stop myselfe from beeing afraid of beeing manipulated and used😢.. I want to know if he really wants to be wirh me and loves me deep in his soul - or if he just needs a cheap maid😢.. I think if this relationship should have a future he needs to recordnize and acept his deficits and stop blaming me for almost everything that is happening. I think of writing down everything for him and asking him to leave to his sisters house (she actually lives 5-6 hours away) for a while, for him to figure out what autism is, and what he wants from me, or not. I don't think i deserve this, if i am not what you want then be so fair and let me go after 15 years. Is that going to "wake him up" or is he going to see it as an betrayl and start to "punish" me however he can? I know that it will be very exhausting for him to stay with his sister, cause she is going to demand help and attention. But i also think that they need to have a familytalk about this autism topic. Upon it is a very personal issue and i really don't want to push anybody into any direction, i also think that his siblings have a right to know "what is wrong wirh them" and why they presumed felt often unloved by their autistic mother, which is concidered by them to be cold, hysteric and odd or even stupid. Because i know they are also struggeling hard sometimes, to adapt to the NT-world and i'm even kind of worried about them in one way or the other. Their mum died a year ago and that makes everything worse for everybody😢.. Their is so much healing to be done.. I keep on dreaming about her telling me to take care for him😮😢😢.. This is the first time i ever talked about it, i m sorry for the bad english and weird writing.. I just don't know what to do.. Don't want to do something wrong or hurt anybodys feelings.. I would be greatful for any advice or any "other point few"..

[@JJJettplane]

@@dada_ismuss3636 thank you for sharing your story. ASD does run very strong in families and a counselor told me people who have it are also attracted to each other. I know this whole situation causes a lot of anxiety and we may have walked right into the relationships with a familiararity just because our parents were emotionally disconnected, so we choose the same in our partners. I don't think there's any way to fix it, to be honest. You seem strong and self sufficient, working, etc...and honestly if I were you I would want to build a new life alone. You're not responsibile for how he falls after you're gone. I've talked to my husband until I'm blue in the face and we just speak two different languages, his being emotionless. He will NEVER get it. If I could inspire you to start fresh without him, and you could see yourself 5 years down the road, free, happy, strong, confident, no regrets...would that be enough to convince you? It's not going to change. I've been married for 25 years, my best friend has been married to her ASD partner for 26 years. She wishes she never met him because it has controlled her life. Even now and he's 90. She has had to do everything for him. I don't expect my husband to "get it" anymore, because he just can't. He's from another planet and really has nothing to offer another human being besides cohabitating with no communication. You can fulfill your own happiness. No regrets.

[@tripwire202]

​@@dada_ismuss3636 Digital hugs. Don't have any advice but you seem lovely and you deserve better.

[@pianogal5942]

Thank you for this review. Yes, it was close to our backstory. We’ve been married 31 years. I’ve gone through all of those stages you mentioned. I’m trying to be good to him. I have resigned to my situation. I don’t get mad at him anymore but we talk sometimes about how to handle difficult social scenes where he has anxiety and so can help him. We sometimes talks briefly about what we each need. Very short and to the point and not judgy. Thanks for the review. Sometimes I need to know this ASD thing is real. I appreciate your videos so much. We went to counseling a couple of times in January and February. It really helped us.

[@lauravaldez3829]

I’m trying to learn how to be his safe place. For several years I’ve given him anxiety. I don’t want to cause him stress. I can now be soft with him. He knows I love him. I appreciate his exceptional strengths. Yes, we can balance more efficiently now.

[@51elephantchang]

So right about ASD childhood.Basically the nt world tortures us when we are weak and defenceless and the resulting trauma colours the rest of our lives.We partially recover in time but we are permenantly damaged and what makes it even harder to bear is our torturers often weren't even deliberately trying to harm us but to 'correct' us without understanding anything about us.

[@51elephantchang]

@Omnipotent Mama I agree totally.Cures only apply to diseases and I am not diseased.

[@ADORABEL25]

Ive never thought I would ghost somebody. But I did it. 4 days in. I can’t handle being with him anymore. Everything is my fault. He never shows affection. I’m done. Love him deeply but love my sanity more

[@Allthesamesea]

Has anyone tried living in separate homes? Looking for solutions/anxiety easers rather than divorce.

[@Joanndanella]

Thank you, Mark. This is our story. We won't give up and we are in counseling with a specialist in ASD. I love your videos. We are seniors, me 65 and him 71; we have been married 33.5 years, and this video is right on. Looking forward to getting involved in your groups. I plan to share this video with my husband and our counselor. We will not quit - we want our relationship to work with more understandings on ways to handle the stuff that comes up. Thank you again.

[@markhutten]

Wonderful!

[@samanthajane11.11]

Hi Mark. Ive been watching your videos for a while and they have really helped our relationship. We are one of those couples that find our differences compliment each other. 1 year later and we are still going strong, and thanks to all your tips and advice it looks like we have a good future together too. I am older and have high empathy, and my partner is very affectionate so I am lucky Thank you for all your help Mark🙂

[@markhutten]

Thanks for sharing!

[@caseyratcliff5094]

15 plus years til I gained knowledge to what is and became aware. This hits the nail on the head in every aspect!

[@jenn_jean_kent_artist]

You nailed it Mark. In our case, it turns out we BOTH have neurodiversity, and fall in differences places on the spectrum. It’s a hot mess Asd/Asd with adhd and Cptsd X 2. 😅😅🎉🎉

[@JillyBeann77]

My autistic husband just left me and my 3 kids….and with barely any communication. I am dumbfounded….I do feel completely blindsided-i am 2 hours away from my family and I have no support system here…and I’m not sure what to do. He’s mean and controlling when he’s over here…and when I set boundaries- he think I’m being ridiculous. I’m just unsure of what to do…come to a place of acceptance- is what I’m coming to terms with now. This video described us to A T--he blames a lot of the breakdown on my trust issues…we all have areas that need growth…but he’s mean and cruel right now and demands order and control at all costs. Is someone who is so set in their ways capable of changing or is it more managing? Is there potential for growth or is it a fight? I’ve kind of laid him down and let go of any force on my end that will cause him to try and work on himself. I can only work on me…

[@sarahbannon4752]

What do I do when he’s not interested in attending counselling and finding how we could improve the relationship, and just blames me for all the issues? I went to counselling and have been working hard to address my issues, and learn how to understand and communicate compassionately with my partner, but he had no interest in doing anything, and now it’s like we live separate lives in the same house.

[@missykim510]

This could be your life for the foreseeable future. Until mine got his diagnosis, nothing could dissuade him off his "soap box". I was the problem. Now that he understands that he thinks differently than other people, he much easier to talk to. They can't change, but they can alter their behaviour. There is a Facebook group for us in these relationships. We chat a lot. Might help? You will, at least, find many many women who understand your situation.

[@sarahbannon4752]

@missykim Unfortunately, once he self-diagnosed, his behaviour got worse, it’s almost as if he now has an excuse to behave badly towards me. I’m part of lots of support groups, I don’t think I’d survive without them.

[@dianeroeder3350]

I definitely do all the work, he just stays the same.

[@pamutterback499]

Married 42 years, getting really enlightened, wow

[@peachwood6946]

You have described my life exactly

[@kellyrussell530]

HA! I call it bait and switch. 😂

[@Sunrisesunset13]

Amazing!! Are there camera's here ? We had 100% all the steps with the version where he didn't accept that he has the symptoms and of course no assessment! He chose for the divorce! After few months he wanted to have a partner contact with me but I refused in order to support our decision to be separate! It hurts but I see alot of recovering and finding finally myself!

[@therogersfamily8253]

What’s hard is when hubby responses with the third option you gave -fully knowing Asbergers fits 100% but is so deep in burn out /anxiety /depression that he doesn’t seek out or respond to the tools and resources that I’m finding for us and seems to be making his ASD traits even more difficult to mask or more awareness causing more anxiety ?

[@diowk]

This is so spooky to listen to Mark... it's like you've just described my entire life to a creepy degree of accuracy. Just amazing to me. You could've told me my life story when I was a child and once I grew up I would've been absolutely convinced that you're a prophet with supernatural powers! Only difference to my story is that she figured out I have adhd, a psychiatrist figured out I have asd as well

[@hazelhatswell4268]

Gosh spot on!!!!! I had come out of a, once happy, 32 year marriage because of his 10+ years of alcoholism and then I met this lovely person .. the complete opposite to what I’d been used to. Looking back and, knowing what I know now, there were triggers …. I look upon our journey as a massive learning curve … not always smooth going I can tell you!! He is a lovely guy but it’s still a work in progress and he’s still in denial as it’s still all my fault as far as he’s concerned. Patience and continued learning all I can … thank you Dr H, you’re a godsend and I cannot thank you enough ❤️

[@ryanjones2297]

backstory is near perfect, but add in one possibility of the online research that is initially done, she might hit on the Narcissism videos before she finds the ASD videos, then its a real rough ride until the correct conclusions are reached.

[@philiprebeccaconte3870]

Just finished the video. 4:00 EST I think I may have finally found the answer to what I’ve been searching for for the past 27 years. I can’t believe how you so accurately have your finger on the pulse of this matter and can share the feelings on both sides!!! I am not an NT wife, however. I’m also neurodivergent (ADHD) but still your explanations resonate with me. Thank you so much for sharing your insight & knowledge. This is a start in the right direction.

[@kellyrussell530]

I wish I had found these videos when our daughters were younger. Two left way too early because of their father, and one no longer wants to call him dad. On the upside, our daughters can pick up on guys with ASD.

[@clairhonnor6211]

Yep, I was my exes special interest. Right up until I wasn't.

[@Debra-iu4hs]

Ditto

[@user-cc4gn1dz5h]

o.k but you can love someone and care for someone even if you don't get empathy in return

[@j.b.4340]

He gave you everything he had. You didn’t reciprocate. We seem to attract narcissistic people.

[@pattypierson3969]

You don’t know how much this helps me. My husband is on the spectrum I’m sure and there is a big difference when the male is on the spectrum vs the female.

[@victoraxten3761]

Thank you Mark for your videos in my second marriage was trying to help my high school son struggling with issues my second wife who is very frustrated with my son and myself gave me a book look me in the eyes about a man discovering Asperger's as a big end to read for the first time started seeing these patterns distinctly in my son then recognizing them in myself going back as long as I can remember not understanding why my friends can do things so simply and the same would paralyze me with anxiety has been four years now that I have been learning about myself and my son. God bless you and thank you for your videos and counseling. I have done some things I'm very ashamed of and thought I was a real jerk but I honestly was naive to the moment at hand and could through hindsight see my path was wrong I'm getting better at asking questions and communicating again thank you so much

[@haydeefiore1177]

I found this to be so helpful. Thank you Mark

[@musica4567]

And when she takes them to NT therapists they just make it worse. Those NT therapists have no clue how to help us ND couples. Their advice just makes us both feel worse about the situation we're in.

[@musica4567]

@Omnipotent Mama I fired one last year. Said she got it but clearly did not. Thankfully it only took me a few months to realize she wasn't able to help us. So glad you found a good ND therapist!

[@johncampanella622]

Second swig of coffee was comedically timed. … if you did that on purpose. Love at first sight brother. Plain speak, profound and down to earth. Even your holding of the video recording. Subscribed man will be sharing.

[@helenjeanotterstroem7240]

Fascinating, you can hear and follow the inevitability, but this sequence also happens with NT couples.

[@martyjoyking4905]

Thank you Mark! So true what you shared! Always such great info! So, so helpful in every way! Wonder what kind of coffee you drink. I love your creativity in your videos. It’s all good!

[@donlorabauer3289]

Just wanted to say thank you! I’ve known for years that my husband has Asperger’s tho not officially diagnosed. I know you are mostly speaking to those WITH Asperger’s but you are totally helping me understand him better! Our marriage LIVES on the rocks and we’ve been married for almost 20 years. It has been SO very difficult for both of us, but we are learning HOW to love each other. Thank you for your insight!

[@markhutten]

You are so welcome!

[@richiekmotorcyclerides4458]

Hi Mark. Love your channel which I've only just found. I'm going for an assessment next month and I can't wait.

[@spiritualeducator371]

Ah relief I really love my soon to be As husband & since I have mild similar disorders I understand a lot of what you just said n was in relief when you reminded me of it. It's worth it with him because I always try very hard with myself as well as others

[@hliljan]

On point. He was like a stamp on me our first years. I felt heard and seen. Then he dropped out. I’s hard to think about when We got our 3 child and he was visiting at the hospital and did’nt see me at all. All the spouses gave their spouse a hug and saw their vulnerability and tiredness. He just looked and was occupied with something else. He neither saw me or our newborn child 😢

[@beckystokes7645]

Brilliant video Mark, really helps me to make so much more sense of my relationship 👌

[@markhutten]

Happy to help!

[@michellebenetier6986]

So brilliantly said.. step by step my story. I presented him w my self diagnosis and he berated me and told me “ I didn’t know you were a Dr. “ Didn’t go over well. Things ended 3 yrs ago, we still speak and have love for each other but he hurts my neurotypical feelings every time. 😢

[@dianespiro9541]

Nailed it, again… thank you!

[@markhutten]

Thank you too!

[@rocksolid6494]

I am just impressed with the size of your coffee cup!

[@er6730]

Wow, you got it. Pretty much bang on. My husband wasn't bullied as a kid, but he did develop an interest in computers. And when we were first married and trying to figure out what went wrong, when he blamed me, I figured he was probably right. So... That was difficult emotionally, but we didn't fight much. Then I was diagnosed with ADHD, started treatment, and had the realization "hey! This is not all on me, something's going on with you, too. It's mostly you, actually!" And he was at first the "oh, could be, I recognize some of those traits" and a few years later, just started a few months ago is actually interested in learning about autism and the lightbulbs are flashing everywhere for him, it's all making sense now! I'm trying to extend grace and mercy as he's figuring it all out. He's taking SO MUCH of the family energy trying to regulate and improve his mental health, this can't go on indefinitely. However, I can go a few more months, if it helps him it's worth it. Fingers crossed.

[@kaiserskipper]

We have same situation

[@bigalex7393]

"Extend grace and mercy. " That sounds sooo arrogant, omg.

[@er6730]

@@bigalex7393 Maybe so. However, that's what Mark always tells us to do. (And I appreciate it when it's given to me)

[@er6730]

@@bigalex7393 What sounds arrogant about it? The words, or the sentiment?

[@bigalex7393]

@@er6730 extending the grace to your partner in life most probably means you are condescending towards him and positioning your ego above. Condescending for the way he functions and figuring things out the hard way, which would have been quite natural for a NT brain.

[@user-fm1gm2iq9y]

Thank you sir this very informative video. A immensely helpful peak into the possible future of my new relationship.

[@markhutten]

Best of luck!

[@juni_pearl_9591]

Wow, this just confirmed for me how autistic I am. The “husband” role you described & the “wife” sounds like my partner. However, he is quite ASD as well, so we both portray the “husband” role quite a bit.

[@Prettyfunny40]

Two decades for me of what you just described. When my daughter was diagnosed with Asperger’s I suggested he might be an Aspie too and he completely clamped up. At least I know now.

[@dianemaria3486]

Great video!!👏👏👏

[@markhutten]

Thank you! 😃

[@joshuacorbin221]

I am entertained by your consistent coffee consumption

[@Debra-iu4hs]

That's because he does some of his videos early in the morning

[@TheOneTrueAJ]

Mark, masking for me is sometimes forgetting myself: rejecting and ignoring my own needs and thinking inferior of them. Doing this to please somebody of importance, win people over, or not appear as a bitch. Highly applicable in the labor force.

[@SusanGatt-tw7xw]

Absolutely......this is our story.

[@SENSEF]

This is scary accurate. 🎯

[@SChapman-yg1nv]

Thank you, Mark. A million thank yous. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU please don't stop what you are doing. We are together 40 years now, it CAN be done. :D

[@brianj8467]

This is 100% my situation. I'll just add that the masking/unmasking in a given situation is, at least in my case, not a conscious decision. This is especially true since I lived most of my life not knowing I was ASD and I didn't know what masking was. I thought it was completely normal to act differently in different situations. I mean, everybody does that to a degree. I wish I had more self-awareness to identify these traits about myself earlier on. I have alexithymia and a weak theory of mind, so it took years of frustration and fighting before my wife found out about these symptoms of ASD. We are working on relationship now, but I feel like the years of blaming and shaming each other have permanently damaged us making it even more difficult to improve our situation.

[@italianlessonsnyc1176]

My partner does not want to change. After he recognized traits he got worse and now He uses it as an excuse for bad behavior.

[@hispoiema]

By the time he went for an assessment, he was only diagnosed with mood disorder and anxiety.

[@lorivandiveer9616]

Can you teach ND husbands how to fight their own spiritual warfare, ultimately to protect the NT wife from his sabotages?

[@lizh1970]

Are you crazy

[@Elbeezzoo]

Spot on. Two decades for me.

[@jeannieg1852]

Tis true! Whenever I need logic and a level head I go to my hubs.

[@maggiea6766]

100% that's what happens. Except I don't do the it's his fault. I try to work around him or and accomodate his idiosyncrasies as we all have them. But I still feel apprehensive sometimes. Have to remember 1. Can't read his mind 2. Everything is OK until it's not.

[@judithpool8177]

A million dollar thanks.

[@everyonehasadream]

Mark, what would a marriage look like between two neurodiverse individuals?

[@louisebaker7203]

hi mark thanks for all your videos.. im at breaking point my husband and son has asd... i have MS and im not going to let this make me ill anymore. he wont help me he doesnt want change.... he has no memories of our 22yrs together... hes obsessed with football and sport. just want to be loved and im disabled i need to live my life while he hatesdoing anything i think. im so done and exhausted.

[@beverlyvandermerwe5853]

Oh my goodness!! That’s our story for 35 years!!😮😮 My question is, how do you deal with his porn addiction and extreme love of looking at swimsuit girls etc (since his teens and I only found out many years later)? And in addition to every single symptom you mention in this video? Thank you for such huge insight!!!!!

[@Debra-iu4hs]

I don't think that's Asperger's I think that's some other kind of disorder

[@forestfairie51]

How do you deal with a partner that refuses to seek any support for anything? I love him but a few years ago pre diagnosis we had a very stressful time, new parents, financial issues, family issues etc and he became emotionally abusive. After a couple of years (yes I know I excused it all) I confronted him and he started to change...few years later my libido didn't match his any more and he became intermittently sexually abusive. We did go to therapy, he took responsibility as he previously said he 'couldn't help it' used to get sulky etc... Being diagnosed made sense but didn't excuse the behaviour. I thought I had got over it but years later having trauma triggers but I'm not allowed to speak of it as its 'not fair on him' because he worked hard on himself (which he has)

[@Clueless2019]

Very accurate description, Mark! However, NT wives are NOT victims in that the signs of our respective husband's emotional deficiencies become evident early in the relationship. And we (the NT wife) either ignore this, because we find ourselves in the infatuation phase of the relationship and/or because we are 'defficient' ourselves. In my case, for example, I realize that I entered into my marriage from a place of GREAT EMOTIONAL NEED, as a result of growing-up with emotionally distant parents who were simply unavailable to me as a child. Evidently, I fell in love with HE--on the spectrum--who is 'familiar to me', in other words, emotionally distant and unavailable, much like my parents. At the end, the responsibility falls on the neurotypical wife to decide how long she is willing to endure and/or sacrifice in this relationship. To date, I love my husband so much that I would have sacrificed a life-time; but he freed me when he opted for our separation, in the name of love, according to him...and I believe him. After more than one year without him, I am at peace, and we are at peace with each other. No resentment, no regrets, just HOPE and much much MUTUAL LOVE and RESPECT for each other...Sadly, from a distance...😔

[@SENSEF]

Not everyone has signs early in the relationship. Hindsight is a different beast than actually seeing real signs, contemplating ending the relationship, but proceeding anyway then later regretting that decision. Very different than looking back and hunting for clues then blaming yourself despite the fact that you honestly did not know better at that time and incapable of seeing any of the "signs" that make sense to you now that you know what they look like. So totally different.

[@christinaschaeffer7276]

Im holding all the cards right in front of his face. He may notice 1 but then knock the rest to the floor and im picking them up again and again. Struggling while he just pretends nothing happens. And its been 20 years.

[@dominiquesabourin1579]

Mark, that's a HUUUGE coffee mug!

[@ellebelle3812]

What if there are also heaps of explosive outbursts of either violence, emotional abuse, addiction or severe infidelity? Are these normal for ASD or is this something else? He has never gone more than 6 months without one or multiple of these different forms of abuse. Living together or apart doesn’t stop it. He’s less physically violent living apart because I leave, but his other outbursts are far worse and far more frequent when he lives alone, it’s like he talks himself into psychosis and an alternative reality when he’s alone and he convinces himself I am this hateful person trying to attack him (which then becomes what he does). What is this pattern?

[@lynndels1075]

What if they admit to seeing themselves in this but are way too defensive to actually do the necessary work? The only way to get healthy is to move on or do the work on both sides.

[@Debra-iu4hs]

That is how it is with me and my Aspie hubby, we are currently separated.

[@kaylansteen1767]

I'm 100% positive that my wife is ASD. I've done your assessment and only scored 23. My wife doesn't want to accept what she deems as "flawed" being ASD. I've tried to tell her it's really a superpower and not a flaw. It just means her strengths are different than mine. Either way, how do you get past the loneliness you feel because they're not geared to meet your emotional needs after the initial masking period? I definitely suffer from Cassandra Syndrome, and sometimes it's agonizing.

[@Angelica123]

Hi! I Have a question 😊 I think that I have at and so is my boyfriend (10 years older) He’s Ben going in therapy many years I so have I but now one have Suspected that I may be suffering from the autism spectrum disorder. What’s your Advice for the relationship between us 😊 thank you 🙏🏻

[@markhutten]

ASD+NT Couples resources: --- Living with ASD - eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples: www.livingwithaspergerspartner.com/ --- One-on-One Skype Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by ASD: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2019/07/skype-counseling-for-struggling-couples.html --- Group for ASD Men Struggling in Their Relationship with an NT Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/11/group-for-asd-men-struggling-in-their.html --- Group for Neurotypical Women Struggling in Their Relationship with an ASD Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/11/group-for-nt-women-struggling-in-their.html --- Online Group Therapy for Neurodiverse Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/10/mark-hutten-m.html --- Recovery from Cassandra Syndrome - Counseling for Neurotypical Spouses: www.cassandrasyndromerecovery.com/2021/08/recovery-from-emotional-deprivation-for.html --- ASD Men’s MasterClass: www.asdmasterclass.com/2022/02/asd-mens-masterclass.html Parenting resources: --- Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.autism-meltdowns.com/ --- Discipline for Defiant Teens on the Autism Spectrum: www.myaspergersteen.com/ --- Launching Adult Children with ASD Level 1: How to Promote Self-Reliance: www.launchingadultchildren.com/ --- Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Kids on the Spectrum: www.social-skills-emotion-management.com/ --- Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: aspergers-mystery.blogspot.com/ --- Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: www.high-functioningautism.com/ --- Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children and Teens with ASD Level 1: www.myaspergerschild.com/2019/07/parenting-system-that-reduces.html

[@aquarius53866]

I would like to add that while ASD has some challenges, yes, I also have the most loyal, logical and predictable partner. He balances me where I am lacking.

[@markhutten]

Well said!

[@sandigreaterjoy]

Yes and amen!

[@SENSEF]

I wish my husband was predictable and logical! ASD comes in many varieties.

[@disaffectedmale]

This is pretty much my life story, bit by painful bit. Alone now. Love of my life gone forever along with any hope I ever had of having a 'normal' life. I just leave the house to buy groceries. I feel so inadequate that I see no point in pursuing another relationship, because I'll end up in the same place I am now. I cant even maintain a friendship. Every day is pain.

[@GwenArlene8181]

Oh, but there IS hope! Mark says that if you find a woman with High Functioning Autistic disorder, she'll likely be a far better match for you, so get on out there, find her and see what happens next! Life doesn't need to be painful, anymore.

[@disaffectedmale]

@@GwenArlene8181 When I start thinking how life doesn't need to be painful anymore it takes me to a very dark place. Honestly it's only because I know 'leaving early' would crush my 11 year old niece (who for some reason thinks I'm fantastic??) that I'm still here.

[@Abena1709]

@@disaffectedmale you *are* fantastic! She sees it and sees you for who you are. I feel your pain and emphasise with you.

[@vawncorrigan7330]

Thank you very much, I've found your videos very helpful and accurate. Please can you direct me to the link for the Facebook group for nts?

[@markhutten]

facebook.com/groups/ASDrelationships

[@vawncorrigan7330]

@@markhutten thank you, much appreciated

[@lorivandiveer9616]

Do you see an automated negativity as common with ND husbands?

[@lauravaldez3829]

Wow!!

[@lukeroonie]

Anyone know where to find support and resources got a male NT, female Autie pair! All the videos I’ve seen have been about the man being autistic.

[@markhutten]

@@lukeroonie just reverse the gender pronouns when you watch the videos.

[@jesuslover3543]

What about a male that’s super attached to his dysfunctional parents? He’s also addicted to pornography and sleeping around? He ruined our marriage with all his secrets, behavior and his family covered it all up for him. He ended the marriage with no emotions or care for his family. Is this normal with being on the spectrum???

[@samanthajane11.11]

I wouldn't think so. This sounds more like narcissistic behaviour

[@jesuslover3543]

@@samanthajane11.11 there is a lot of autism in his family. Could be he is on the spectrum with narcissistic traits.

[@annemariejackson2761]

My partner is addicted to online dating sites, although I don't think he's actually sleeping around, or at least I hope he isn't. But I think he does it because it's a less complicated way to get female approval. He's handsome and he was extremely handsome when he was younger - he only uses photos from when he was younger. And I think he was addicted to dating sites already when we met, but he probably dialled down his activity during our first year or so. Now he's pretty much retreated to them... Anyway, that's all to say that the behaviour, although narcissistic, does appear to be derived in our case from his frustrations in our relationship and his belief that I am always criticising him (even when I am just trying to find a way for us to deal with something important). He seems to be seeking validation on dating sites.

[@Tambrose0405]

Ending the marriage with no emotions or care is 100% what happened to me

[@SENSEF]

That's a "Mother Enmeshed Man" who has enmeshment with his mother, sounds like enmeshment with his whole family in that case. That's not exclusive to Autism, that's an emotionally abusive family and ge was raised to play his part in it. Look up Dr. Ken Adams and his book "When He is Married to Mom." He also has a few KZbin videos. He has colleagues that also have videos and it's amazing how many mother enmeshed men have ALL those issues you listed.

[@user-uv4sx9jw8x]

My husband doesn't want to work on squat

[@georgespiese7388]

What about a couple that are both ASD?

[@Debra-iu4hs]

I'm drinking a big arse cup of coffee while listening to U2

[@leahcompton2522]

This is our relationship to a T. Now what can we do about it?

[@j.b.4340]

I’m reading these comments, and am struck by lack of accountability from the non-autistic(?) partners. You are all culpable.

[@user-yf9op6xh4x]

I am HSP andup against a wall with my ASD partner of 37 years as he is unwilling to own it and I'm beat.

[@cjoy3941]

How do we access groups?

[@markhutten]

Links under the video...

[@yayapena4069]

Oh My God

[@yayapena4069]

This is exactly my life. Thank you so much

[@JamesJudnich]

Wow. This is exactly what happened to me. Except my wife divorced me.

[@jeffthiem2929]

Sorry man.

[@jeffthiem2929]

@Susan-nm3sx I've wondered if my wife would leave me after our kids have left after I supported her for our entire marriage. The entire time, being able to see issues that she couldn't and feeling ignored by her own sense of self-pity. Constantly trying to explain how her actions and decisions have affected me, our kids, and preventing our life from becoming what it could be, yet being dismissed because random dudes on youtube spew nothing but shallow garbage at self-deprecating women for clicks, constantly telling them that they are victims and have every right to move on, leaving their husbands and ignoring their vows. Maybe she will randomly reply to somebody else's comment, who is on the opposite side of the experience, to try to get more attention for being a self-pitying asshole who abandoned her family too.

[@tishku8885]

Are you spying on me? This is my marriage. Do you do online marriage counseling?

[@markhutten]

Yes

[@tishku8885]

@@markhutten Where can we make an appointment? Do you have a link?

[@markhutten]

@@tishku8885 If you'll email me - [e-mail] - I'll put you on my waiting list.

[@Edisonapple]

10:00 so then what??? What if he says that! “Yeah I can see how I have a few of those things but I don’t have this one and that one. See it’s says l don’t like to be touched and I love hugs!” And because he’s so literal he assumes that you have to have every single symptom. But the truth is he only “loves affection” because he has no friends and has never been in a relationship, and is starved for affection and has been bullied his whole life any physical affection he’s desperate for. And due to his autism he takes things literally, and every single description and symptom is him but he needs an example and he so black and white and only focuses on the examples, so he reads one description that says “doesn’t like to be touched” and says “see that’s not me!” What then?

[@akferren1]

It’s like being married to a selfish child

[@kanemclaren5991]

“Love” is based purely on physical attraction. No physical attraction, no love folks.

[@diepiriye]

You got it!