Understanding Your AS or HFA Partner's Thinking and Behavioral Patterns

Downloadable programs:
--- Living with ASD: eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples- www.livingwithaspergerspartne...
--- Interpersonal Relationship Skills: eBook and Audio Instruction for Male Partners with ASD- www.neurodiversemarriage.org/...
Coaching services for autistic male partners:
--- Skype Group for ASD Men Struggling in Their Relationship with an NT Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/20...
--- Skype Group: ASD Men’s Master Class: www.asdmasterclass.com/2022/0...
Coaching services for neurotypical female partners:
--- Skype Group for Neurotypical Women Struggling in Their Relationship with an ASD Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/20...
--- Skype Group: Recovery from Cassandra Syndrome for Neurotypical Spouses: www.cassandrasyndromerecovery...
Coaching services for the ASD + NT couple:
--- Skype Group for Neurodiverse Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.adultaspergerschat.com/20...
Individual coaching services:
--- One-on-One Sessions for Struggling Individuals and Couples Affected by ASD: www.adultaspergerschat.com/20...
Access to “Members-Only” videos:
--- Get your perks here: / @markhutten
Parenting resources:
--- Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children and Teens with ASD Level 1: www.myaspergerschild.com/2019...
--- Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: www.high-functioningautism.co...
--- Discipline for Defiant Teens on the Autism Spectrum: www.myaspergersteen.com/
--- Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.autism-meltdowns.com/
--- Launching Adult Children with ASD Level 1: How to Promote Self-Reliance: www.launchingadultchildren.com/
--- Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Kids on the Spectrum: www.social-skills-emotion-man...
--- Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: aspergers-mystery.blogspot.com/

[@ajmaynard92]

I have high functioning autism and one thing I have experienced is the emotion/mind blindness has not as much to do with the inability to describe an emotion someone else has but I very often can predict the end result of someone's emotion without knowing exactly the degree to how someone else feels. This has resulted in a few interesting things. I had several apartment mates whole going to school. Two of them in the same room, a couple of women, had some issues. One had an abusive boyfriend and the other one continuously tried to empathize. One considered me callus because I told her pretty early on she wasn't helping the girl with the abusive boyfriend. She asked why and I said you are giving her what she wants which is attention. I came to that conclusion not by feeling what the girl with the abusive boyfriend was feeling but by observing a trend in her friendships where all she talked about was the abuse. It was a feature of all her relationships. I came to a conclusion, her life is so empty that's all she has to get what she wants. The abuse was not exactly abus3 but a parasitic relationship where the narcissistic guy got his feelings of control and she got her method of connection. Eventually the one who wanted to help was so emotionally involved trying to prove she could help this person that she was driven half crazy and she begged me to solve the problem. I sat all 5 of us at the dinner table and said to her, "I know what's happening here and I'm here to tell you I don't care about your abusive boyfriend and you are free to live you life being beaten but it ends at the apartment, keep your abusive life and negativity out of the apartment. You have no sympathy from me because your need for attention is the most abusive thing in your life. I have no attention to give you and no one else here has any more attention to give you. All you have to talk about is the terrible things in your life because that's all you have to connect to people. I won't play your stupid game. You will not get my attention or empathy and you will not get anyone else's attention and empathy while you play your dumb games. Keep it out or you are out". My apartment mates at the time were horrified, I had not told them exactly what I was going to say because I knew it was going to ruffle some feathers. No one talked to me for a bit but after a couple weeks the other 2 told me in private that my assessment was correct. A week later she dumped him (and for the first time, after 50 times did not go back to him. She had previously played the game of cat and mouse but this time it actually stopped). My friend who tried to help her who asked me to solve the problem asked how did I know that would work and I reminded her of what I told her months before that event. It was a parasitic relationship, I undermined the motive for keeping the relationship going. No more sympathy or friendship until she cared enough about herself to defend herself. Without knowing exactly the emotion I did see the pattern and inferred the motive and that was actually far more accurate of a description as far as finding the end result (eg. No drama). It wasn't actually the case that I was fine with people being hurt it was more that I saw they option this girl chose as the least painful thing her perspective on life allowed. That is to say, she defined herself in such a way that no functional life always actually compatible with creating proper relationships with people, the abuse was oddly enough a method of gaining positive feedback. I took away the positive feedback and forced it into negative feedback (she brought the bf into the apparent against everyone's will before this event so I wasn't feeling particularly diplomatic). This isn't the only time in my life I have seen this. No one comes to me for emotional support but when things get very hard and people need real solutions I become the first choice. I think this is because the thing the guy in this video describes. I have an obsessive end results motivation around process which creates callus but sometimes horrifyingly accurate descriptions of situations while having extreme difficulty actually feeling what ither people feel. I think that is why I am peoples last but reliable choice for problem solution. When someone is desperate and how anyone feels stops being the highest value people ask me to solve the problem. I dont enjoy hurting people's feelings but trying to understand people's feelings because so absurdly difficult and the guilt was so exhausting that I just stopped trying to read people and became blunt. I dont want to Interfere with people and I know I am prone to social blunders so I am fine with waiting until someone if actually willing to let me be me in that moment, not because I expect that is the moment where I won't make mistakes but it is the moment I am least likely to make a mistake and actually improve the lives of the people around me. It is strange being able to consistently predict the end results of peoples emotions while never truly feeling them. I have happily helped many people but very often it has/requires a kind of callousness that hurts people. Sometimes someone won't talk to me for several months before they come back randomly and tell me I was right. What sucks is how painful it is to me when someone tells me I was right. I dont do that to be right I do it to "rip off the bandaid" in a sense. No one wants to do it it is my greatest skill and sometimes I feel sick just knowing that is the truth and the best I can feel is when I see it actually helped the person. I certainly wish I had better ways of helping people through life but the "mind blindness" doesn't offer another option so I work with what I got. The girl who had the abusive relationship ended half of her toxic friendships, actually dated someone she got married too and apologized to me and everyone else (which I hated hearing because I generally hate apologies) and we were generally on good terms after a few months.

[@bethannsmith4969]

This is even more irritating when my husband just says one word about what I've said and keeps looking at his phone. He really just does not have the bandwidth to speak with me and keep up work and his other interests. I kind of keep him at arms length and that seems to work. He actually treats me much like my family of origin. That makes sense why I fell in love with him. We are definitely entering a time when more and more relationships will be this way. I tend to believe the we are evolving theory. Thank you for your work.

[@SweetoesMay]

Yes! It's like his mother is the wife and I'm the maid. You make everything so clear now.

[@montclips]

This is literally my boyfriend. It’s a struggle most days but we get by it

[@ESumner]

This is my husband and it’s utterly devastating to live a life like this... when you do t know.

[@naomiaa2989]

I agree I am sick of living with a baby like this

[@tilly8221]

@@naomiaa2989 he probably thinks you're the baby 🤦

[@noblestsavage1742]

@@naomiaa2989 yes, because it’s all about you right? If this is genuinely how you feel do him a favour and cut him loose to find someone who appreciates his good points rather than focus’ on his problems that he can’t help!

[@lesliemontagne6797]

Yes, it is.

[@cherrybakewell9702]

I can barely cope with my BF anymore. This just describes him to a tee. He blames me for everything so I usually ask him before I do anything, then when I do ask him he gets angry and accuses me of not being able to do anything by myself. There is just no winning. He refuses to even contemplate getting any kind of help for us.

[@Ks-di3xs]

Mark, you have helped more people than you know. Saved people and relationships through education. I am so grateful for your teachings. I never knew about this. I am an RN Educator for 20 years. Am married to an aspi for the past 40 years. Never understood why we have so many problems, until watching your videos. I need to learn how to ket him be him, live him and understand his behaviors are truly not me reflected, but his deficit. I wish I knew how to make that stick in my mind. I always see him as normal, therefore take his actions as deliberately choosen, and not a deficient he has no control over. Help! I'm 62 and wanting to leave, but believe still, this can work if I learn how to change me in my responses and perspectives if him. . Plz RSVP. Am I just ignorant? Thank you.

[@bjw2112]

You are willing to totally change who you are? Will that make you happy?

[@lejlateletovic5225]

If something is important, start by saying that it's important. Demand focus and it will be given (if there's space and time and not too many distractions). For someone with ASD, it's hard to differentiate between talk for talk's sake and important conversations (people talk too much :D). Listening can be really energy draining, so by default, person with ASD will listen half-heartedly. And take into calculation that the person already has really loud mind as it is, your words have to be 'louder'.

[@leapinglynx]

This is helpful, thank you.

[@jacquipotgieter5821]

My husband.... my son too. I know this so I handle it.

[@cameronjohnson7718]

I have aspergers I get nervous about getting into relationships I wonder how many people with aspergers feel this way.

[@jeanlittle405]

PLEASE remember....It's NOT just men who have Asperger's. I'm a female with Asperger's and am constantly trying to understand what others are thinking/feeling and where they're coming from. I don't blame others for my lack of understanding, yet when I try to ask questions or infer what others are thinking, I'm treated like an idiot. NTs think they "know" what I'm thinking and it's usually the COMPLETE OPPOSITE! For example: I'll say, "That's an unusual color blue; I've never seen it before." What I get from an NT is, "What a Witch! She's so condescending!!" I did not mean anything condescending, I made a simple statement that...."It's an usual color blue....I've never seen it before." THAT'S IT. I said what I meant and meant what I said....but NTs "read into" every little thing as if there's some "hidden agenda." To make matters worse, NTs change their behavior and patterns depending on the situation and whom they are with. For example: Joanne (NT) says she "loves the color red," but when Mary walks into the room and says she hates the color red, all of a sudden, Joanne now hates red. What??? This happens at every level....THIS is NORMAL?

[@shieldofaith4280]

It is frustrating. I am a female too and I was told recently that I was using so many Latin based words in my conversation in order to sound smart. I corrected my coworker and explained that I was only being specific. I prefer to be as specific as possible with my words. I dislike overgeneralization unless that is all that fits. It is hard for me to know what level of detail is expected in each conversation. If you had told me that you had never seen that shade of blue, I would believe you. I wish I knew more about this whole thing and how to keep better balance in life. I wish you the best.

[@celineypie]

Omg I FEEL this. Being constantly misunderstood and usually assigned bad intentions when I have none is so frustrating. I also frequently got comments about being condescending, even though I usually wasn’t trying to be.

[@shieldofaith4280]

@@celineypie being misunderstood is so annoying. Especially when you are not believed if you try to correct the record. A specifically unnamed person assumes my thoughts so often I finally started saying “ you can read minds now? What number am I thinking of then?” (Maybe not the best comeback but it does stop the lies about me for a time)

[@shieldofaith4280]

Hope we get answers or ideas soon.

[@infiniLor]

@@celineypie if you are frequently being told you are being condescending, then it's probably a tone issue?

[@hisenseks]

Well, I have always seen that things are off in my relationships with people... now I start to kind of understand why... Unfortunately I unintentionally made people hate me.

[@lynetteemery1949]

Do we just need to accept that our ASD partners will never help with the boring tasks of life: cleaning, dishes, taxiing, yard work? I find those tasks horrendously full but I don’t like my life and house getting gross and drifting into disrepair. Tired...

[@blixsnix792]

This is none of my business and I don’t even know if it would be helpful, but have you ever kept a weekly chore chart? We do this with my roommates and it’s helpful to have a clear, objective task list to complete by week’s end on one’s own time. Wishing you well!

[@infiniLor]

@@blixsnix792 sounds so logical! However. .. Everything we own would be destroyed in the space of a month! (it appears that physics work differently on his home planet. )

[@ericweiss777]

I am a solo agers. I do my own cooking cleaning bill paying.. I don't like clutter so I work hard on this many thanks

[@wilee.coyote5298]

Mark, isn't Theory of Mind directly related to types of Empathy and deficits therein? i.e. cognitive, affective, and somatic. Also, do they also lack sentimentality?

[@noblestsavage1742]

No, we’re all different. I’m incredibly sentimental.

[@plee6008]

Do aspers lean toward being very controlling in relationships or would that be leaning toward being a narcissist personality type? They can be both?

[@leapinglynx]

I've wondered about this as well.

[@eliz9489]

I believe they do like/need to have control and there are elements of narcissistic behaviour but it doesn’t come from the same place as narcissism (although maybe it does come from a more negative place in some). With my ex whom I queried is on the High functioning end of the spectrum, I very much had to slot into his life, his way of doing things - compromise wasn’t a thing he was a fan of. Granted a lot of NT probably aren’t fans of compromise either. With ASD, it can seem like you either fit into their world with as little disruption as possible or it likely won’t work. My ex told me before most people annoyed him but I didn’t, that’s why he liked me, who said romance is dead 🫠

[@denisesmith2272]

I am a woman with hfa. Do you have any info about a lady aspie/ male n.t. for my boyfriend to check out?

[@shieldofaith4280]

Same question

[@WendyBandurskiMiller]

same question

[@tyquancreagh]

I would also like to know this. I think my girlfriend has A.S and if so it will explain so much. It is very important that people are knowledgeable on this, I have been really frustrated and sometimes mean to my girlfriend because she sometimes seem so narcissistic and lack empathy.

[@eliz9489]

@@WendyBandurskiMiller look up Sarah Henrickx- she’s amazing. She has autism herself, explains autism in females excellently.

[@MsStrangerThings]

As a person who is on the spectrum, and a psych grad, I can tell you my feelings on theory of mind. The problem is Neurotypicals are very duplicitous. They say things they don’t mean. They smile when they’re mad. I can logically predict the patterns in behavior when it’s not duplicitous or shady. When the actions do not match the words as we logically expect them to that is the problem. Say what you feel and act accordingly and it won’t be your fault. Because when you say you wanna go right, but go left I’m going to be upset because I’m working very hard to follow and you’re throwing a monkey wrench into it. Neurotypicals are actually very predictable when they act authentically. The logic allows me to see the patterns in behavior and emotions. I know if your lip quivers there’s a high possibility she will cry. Be authentic and honest. It’s really that simple. If you say you love me act that way. Don’t treat me how people treat people when they do not like them. And if you love me I’m expecting love and consideration, always.

[@lurenacornella6588]

What about if woman is aspies and husband is abusive. Talk about flight

[@ronspi]

What's the point of going into such a partnership?

[@laureenanderson3122]

What happens when you get told that you are needy especially as you say you need to say what you “need”.

[@markhutten]

I give up... what happens?

[@AnathemA66]

You might want to speak to an aspie nice and slow, so that he/she can absorb all of your words; well, particularly at moments where you've noticed his/her attention drifting away. Conversation is particularly boring to them; they have to be taught how to love it in some way. And yeah, aspies tend to get desperate about things that they simply can't cope with, and resort to doing things that are not convenient for themselves and others.

[@shieldofaith4280]

I disagree. This is not always the case. Why not just ask instead of speculating? I’m sure you could get an answer about what communication style is helpful so both can agree on a method.

[@AnathemA66]

@@shieldofaith4280 Autistic people fear sounding immature to their spouses. They won't establish anything revolving around any rules of communication without the intervention of the neurotypical spouse. So I just put forward some facts as well as a suggestion for the neurotypical to follow. I by no means did not intend to be or sound offensive. In truth, I was kind of speaking from the perspective of an aspie, and that particularly because I have been one (I kinda know what it's like being an aspie). I don't have any issue with how anyone here has done anything, and I don't have any issue with what you have posted. Anyway I'm hitting some z's, peace. ✌

[@lilwinged5291]

@@AnathemA66 oops .. I guess saying things like you seem kinda 12 yrs old rn.. that's not good ...

[@AnathemA66]

@@lilwinged5291 just saying that for the aspie's sake. aspie's can't process fast talk.