The Unhealthy Habits Sabotaging Your Love Life - Matthew Hussey

Matthew Hussey is the world’s #1 dating coach, a KZbinr, public speaker and an author.
Navigating modern love can feel like solving an impossible puzzle, but in truth, there are specific skills and tips that can elevate your romantic life. Matthew has spent 15 years coaching millions of men and women through their relationship struggles, and today we get his best insights.
Expect to learn if dating coaches are actually any easier to date, whether love should feel easy or if we need to become stronger, how you can realise the behaviours that are making you miserable, why being single is so hard for many people, the biggest problem with avoiders, how to get better at having a hard conversation and much more...
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00:00 Are Dating Coaches Hard to Date?
06:13 How We Use Dating to Make Us Feel Better
10:21 Flipping Between Comforting & Inspiring Relationships
20:03 How We Condition Ourselves to Feel Love & Peace
30:01 Overcoming Imposter Syndrome Through Working Hard
36:23 Why the Internet Isn’t Talking About Love Anymore
48:28 Being Comfortable With Healthy Love
52:28 Feeling Guilty About Having Needs
1:01:37 How to Become Better at Hard Conversations
1:08:35 The Downsides of Being a Fixer
1:18:18 How to Communicate When You’re in the Wrong
1:28:07 Why Men Bottle Up Their Trauma
1:48:50 Working Hard to Rewire Your Thinking
1:55:34 Where to Find Matthew
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Get in touch in the comments below or head to...
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[@ChrisWillx]

Hello you savages. Get a 35% discount on all Cozy Earth products at www.cozyearth.com/modernwisdom. Here's the timestamps: 00:00 Are Dating Coaches Hard to Date? 06:13 How We Use Dating to Make Us Feel Better 10:21 Flipping Between Comforting & Inspiring Relationships 20:03 How We Condition Ourselves to Feel Love & Peace 30:01 Overcoming Imposter Syndrome Through Working Hard 36:23 Why the Internet Isn’t Talking About Love Anymore 48:28 Being Comfortable With Healthy Love 52:28 Feeling Guilty About Having Needs 1:01:37 How to Become Better at Hard Conversations 1:08:35 The Downsides of Being a Fixer 1:18:18 How to Communicate When You’re in the Wrong 1:28:07 Why Men Bottle Up Their Trauma 1:48:50 Working Hard to Rewire Your Thinking 1:55:34 Where to Find Matthew

[@samphelps856]

What's with the audio in the middle of the podcast? Like guest mic cutting out but your trying to splice your mic with derooming tech?

[@mrsanthonybridgerton1747]

Absolutely loved this podcast. As a mum of a 23 year old where I’m trying to have these conversations and can’t find the words, thank you for making my job easier x

[@thematthewhussey]

Man thank you for having me. Loved this conversation. And really enjoyed reading these comments. Thank you for your kind words everyone, and for the vulnerability shared here. 🙏❤️

[@LCavalcanti]

Thank you for the vulnerability in tough subjects, listening to this today was really powerful for me…I needed it. Your work is important and super valuable to people. Thank you Matthew 🙏 much love

[@annab3184]

I also appreciated the vulnerability, it was very honest and I think it's good that we got to see what's "under the hood" a bit.

[@hennalondon5061]

Love this vulnerable version of you... thank you for sharing more of you 🙏

[@funygameur]

It's you're 3d (or 2nd) interview here and it's still one of the tops! First, cinematic interview in the villa, I think I remember you making me cry with how much...sincere, warm and still tourmented you were : being real. Love you man, keep at it !

[@venetianlucifer]

What an amazing discussion. Thank you for opening up in a way that most guys can't. You helped realize things that I had buried deep in myself since I was very young. It feels good to hear it from another guy.

[@elliebwe12234]

My boyfriend listened to this and texted me “I think you should listen to this podcast, there’s lots that resonated with me”. I then listened and we had a conversation about things we haven’t before. Thankyou

[@ralphfraz]

That's awesome that you guys have this kind of relationship and mature capacity to communicate about meaningful things. I know women in their 40s who wouldn't engage on this level yet wonder why they're still single 🤦

[@aidenisduranarzuaga4030]

I have never identified with something more than with the idea that people who want to find love are not interested in dating. This is so real

[@bumblebee_mrs]

That's golden, and so me!

[@goldengibson1958]

Agreed. My name is Golden and this is literally me.

[@ralphfraz]

100% This is why I think it's so difficult to find love as a man over 30. All the women you have available to you are the ones who are addicted to the excitement of dating and not too interested in the work of building a meaningful relationship

[@andelkag.blackmon315]

How weird. To me finding someone who wants to build a meaningful relationship was always more exciting than dating.

[@villagefarang]

Clearly I have wasted my life with no ambition, status or power. I moved to a foreign country at 23 and never grew up, just kept on feeling and experiencing new things. So why am I so content with my life as I sit here about to turn 70? Some people want to leave their mark on this world but I guess I want to leave no trace of my passing, same as I do out on the trails. Some people need to live big, but hey, it's okay to live grounded in the present and let others carry all that angst of ambition and competition.🙏

[@trappart9209]

Don't you have some kind of regret that you didn't pursue anything ambitious

[@villagefarang]

@@trappart9209 Honestly no. I have spent my life doing exactly what I want and trusting in my own choices. I wouldn't recommend it to everyone but it worked for me.

[@elsagrace3893]

The ambitious people who amass wealth and possessions end up dying with wealth and possessions that are then sold or given away.

[@Antonio_Todd]

Brother, I’m with you. I’m 34. Each goal I set, the wearier I get…at some point when is enough simply enough? There’s nothing that ever made me feel more alive than being in the moment.

[@meetandinspire]

"What looks like avoidance can often stem from fear of expressing needs."

[@JamesG12]

From what I've seen from friends and family, as soon as it's not as fun or a little difficult, they are gone. People need to toughen up on all fronts.

[@Rollacoastertycoon]

You right as soon as I feel like dating is too much work I just don’t cuz it’s too much work

[@wtfdtreats]

Well it's only 1 group in particular bowing out ♀ Math is mathin.

[@wtfdtreats]

@@Rollacoastertycoon Juice not worth squeeze 💊

[@brianmeen2158]

Depends .. the fun has to outweigh the bad times. I’ve had a few friendships in the past where it was like 20% fun and the rest was them complaining about their life .. that or just talking about lame drama .. I’ve noticed these types tend to have very little self awareness too and then turn around and complain about not having any friends lol

[@brianmeen2158]

@@Rollacoastertycoon dating is a ton of work . The thing is I can attract women fairly easily but I find pretty much everything after the initial approach and chat to be so much work .. oh and you can’t forget the mind numbing small talk lol.. what’s so unfortunate is when you are in your teens and 20s - flirting(and hooking up)is fun and exciting but in your 30s and up it is just a chore .

[@grubbyarmadillo9863]

The timestamps on bottling up trauma and rewiring the thinking process, were the most important lessons for me. At the end of the day, I now have the freedom of consistently checking up on myself because I love me, a human that is mine. If i practice this everyday, then i could at least carry myself through any kind of situation, hard or good times. I get to be strong all the time while also recognising, acknowledging and accepting the emotions i feel (emotional buttons) and still live. Thank you Matthew Hussey! And thank you Chris for having this podcast!

[@ZGADOW]

The anecdote about shutting yourself in your room to punish others for your own bad feelings hit me hard. I’ve been doing this my entire life. Thanks for the incredible insight. Now that I recognize it I’ll work on it

[@Lovethyself88]

This interview with Matthew felt dif. More personal, deep, introspective in ways that meet so many of us where we are. So grateful for this pod, this one had so many nuggets of gold. Great episode.

[@libbypaige6160]

The drug analogy was spot on. The brain chemistry addiction is soo real in toxic relationships. Detox is vital.

[@ag3nt_green]

My experience being open and vulnerable with a woman led to them putting that knowledge in their pocket to be used against me when it suited them. Of course not all women are like that, but there are plenty that are. Some will even demand to know your vulnerabilities, not to be closer or bond, but because they want that ammunition and they will emotionally blackmail you to get it.

[@FSPtransmissions]

Same

[@timons777]

Geez! Sounds horrible!

[@tyemccatty763]

I understand this. However, finding people who won’t use ur vulnerabilities agaisnt u is extremely important. If you can’t open up to ur partner than they aren’t the right one for you.

[@JeeGee114]

This is no incident. They will use it to try to destroy you. Don't show anything to them.

[@keithdoeskungfu]

Same! Especially if it's something you're not proud of, perhaps something morally wrong that you did in the past. Doesn't matter how long ago it was, or how much you've grown and changed as a person. If you confess things you're not proud of, women will absolutely use it against you and most likely will use it as justification to dump you too. Sad but true

[@dokilar1]

Im 40, and when my first marriage was falling apart, I asked my grandpa how he was able to stay married to grandma so long, and his answer was problematic, but I now think is 100% true. Relationships and love are different between generations. Todays society and generations are (in my opinion) less inclined to thrive or even survive in difficult situations. My grandpa said he went through countless problems in his relationship, but him and my grandma were committed to the sanctity or marriage and the idea of love. When things get tough and you know that you can just throw in the towel, avoid pain and suffering while simultaneously engaging with someone else in a completely different relationship it doesnt inspire you to put in any real effort. People don't and are being raised to avoid discomfort, and when they face adversity, they do the easiest thing, and oftentimes, that involved leaving their partner.

[@5ofspades427]

I'll never give up. Finding love may mean getting hurt, but so what get back up and try again.

[@urbanmeyersburner2375]

Atta boy!

[@wtfdtreats]

Just say you're a _masochist_ , it's much easier than coping. 💊

[@mclr9941]

Not enough time

[@5ofspades427]

@wtfdtreats I feel sorry for folks like you

[@grubbyarmadillo9863]

@@wtfdtreatsYou're a masochist

[@microdosingcoach]

"I am the only human I get. How could I give this human the best life possible" WOW! This conversation is one of your best so far Chris! Love you both ❤

[@dolphin7860]

I have been blessed enough to meet and date women who were very appreciative of me showing vulnerability. In my experience, it actually increases connection. That said, it is NOT something I would show in the courting/dating portion of the relationship and it MUST be seen as a nice surprise - meaning she should already have many experiences with you being a strong person and this is rare softer side. Cry too much and you’ll get left lol

[@jaredmello]

That sounds about right. Vulnerability can’t be the main course, but can come as a pleasant surprise side dish.

[@mskittle2010]

This is exactly what I needed to hear and to see. I struggle in all of this. As a classic people pleaser since childhood due to a parent who was unpredictable, I had to take on a role. Thankfully, from working with a life coach as well as a therapist, I'm making progress to heal old wounds and am working to put myself out there again. Vulnerability was never easy for me, nor was it easy to ask for my needs. It's slowly getting better. Thank you for this.

[@Thaulopi]

Same here and I was seeking walls every single time when I wanted to date. Last year I met my opus magnum when I fell in love with a neuron toxin that totally demolished me and this woke me up and destroyed me at the same time. My therapy is not being involved any more...seems cheap, but it is effective.

[@rjflores438]

Being vulnerable is harder for men because women tend to lose attraction for men that show any.

[@Thaulopi]

@@rjflores438 yes it is....farewell

[@suttonfarms2343]

Matthew's story about his jealousy and previous relationships (when she told him it was unattractive to be vulnerable) and his current relationship (where she reassured him)......he found someone who really loves him (around 14 mins in). What a blessing. It's my experience to be told to grow up, you're being ridiculous and childish and to just get over it.

[@SycrosD4]

It’s astonishing that I, as a native born black American man, have more common experience with this British public speaker than I do with my own family

[@Rollacoastertycoon]

It’s funny how me as a Dominican American has more in common with Filipino or an Arab than you

[@boot9965]

@@Rollacoastertycoon its funny to me that im asian

[@FreeAgent99]

I recommend you check out Coach Greg Adams, especially useful for black Americans.

[@MartinGarden]

It’s funny to me that I’m white and rich and unhappy but I was happy when I was white and poor 😂😂😂

[@richardsmith2825]

Can’t we as humans finally see past our skin colour and recognise we’re all the same. As a species we’ve been on this planet for a heartbeat compared to its age. Until 1600 no one even noticed skin colour. It came in to justify the horror of slavery. Follow Martin Luther King”s edict. Judge people by their soul, not their race.

[@MyFriendsKitchen]

I've been mulling over what @James Smith said "Do people love you for who you are or for what you do?” and I got myself stuck in a loop. It's still transactional if someone likes you because you're funny and kind, but not wanting anything thing to do with you if you're going through a tough time. Then I was thinking about Robert Green saying if someone does something to you once they'll do it again. It's hard to know if it's worth pulling someone up on their bad behaviour, if it's a constant thing then you probably should let them go, especially if it's the same bad behaviour. Not forgetting you need to question your own behaviour and if you're open to change for the better. I can see why people put up with bad behaviour, the thought of being alone is too much for them.

[@brianmeen2158]

Yep. For most people they’d much rather deal with bad behavior from a partner than deal with being alone. I’m the exact opposite

[@FreeAgent99]

Of course not! Wake up, it’s what you can provide. Financially, emotionally etc.

[@alysonj7227]

Thank you guys for helping me get clear on a friendship I've been having ambiguous feelings about. If you sense something's off, it usually is, and coming from a feeling of scarcity definitely doesn't bring out the best in us ❤

[@redpillblupill]

I have a friend who I've been giving emotional support to for AGES now, and I've given her FOUR CLIPS from this ONE video. ❤

[@renjithomas8088]

This was sooooo good. So much good stuff throughout this episode! Great job… massive TY to both.

[@jaredmello]

When we truly accept and own who we are, it won’t bother us as much when we open up and they say it’s not attractive. I’d tell her oh well, that’s where I am right now.

[@gregm762]

At 37:20 I felt like he was essentially describing my issue. Love, if you can find it and most won’t, is truly amazing, but dating is absolutely excruciating. Like him, I’m a very private person and deeply introverted. The idea that I’m going to have meaningful conversation with strangers or worse, open some app and click on the picture of someone I don’t know from Adam is deeply unappealing. Let’s not even talk about the flaking, ghosting, lying, and other horrible behaviors people engage in when “dating.” I got a taste of the dating world when I was much younger and knew it wasn’t for me. If we could just skip over all of the B.S. and find true love… I think many will have to make peace with living the single life like I did.

[@CJB333]

What worked great in one relationship for me was an open door to communication no matter how stupid it may seem to the one bringing it forward. Like even if one felt jealous and knew it was dumb or petty, it was encouraged to bring it up and just say hey i know it's dumb but i felt off with that. It got to any potential long running issue by bringing it out immediately and talking about it when it's small and trivial. Drinking killed the rest of it but a bad substance issue is a tough one to survive

[@j4jasmin942]

I think this is one of the most brilliant, if not the most brilliant reflection/guide on human psychology in relationships I have ever listened too. Big thank you guys ❣️

[@walesz92]

This episode is just.. absolutely 👏🏼fantastic. 👏🏼 My goodness. That explanation of self love.. I’ve been searching for this answer for so long!! And now I got it. I am so grateful for both of these guys. Truly truly life changing

[@adamford8547]

The guilt around leaving someone is something I’ve been living with for over 2 years. Until now I didn’t realise that it isn’t the REAL feeling. The real feeling is one of disappointment. Thanks Matthew for sharing your experience. Now I have the clarity I’ve been seeking for so long.🙏

[@suttonfarms2343]

I love this conversation. Many reasons, but mainly for encouraging the 'hard conversation'. Unfortunately, the 'hard conversation' ended the relationship, but if the other person isn't willing to have the conversation, its not the right relationship anyway. Thanks for the episode, really enjoyed.

[@Nicholasdross]

Harry Potter & Bradly Cooper fusion giving me love advice is something I didn't know I needed! Great Episode! Thank you!

[@iarab.1588]

Lmao

[@ItsEltonSilvi]

Great episode! A journey that begins from within is the answer. For me, radical acceptance of who I am and who I'm moving towards is ultimate confidence. It ensures I'm only on my path and not going into comparison mode.

[@jonpulaski]

Wow. I don’t say this lightly..this podcasts has changed something in me deeply. It spoke to everything in me. Thank you both.

[@BryanCamposH]

About a month ago my girl and I of 8 years separated. We just grew apart as people and it wasn’t working out. This podcast explains a lot and I’m glad I watched it!

[@devankurmitra4118]

Why not get married and push through since you've been together 8 years?

[@silviadiassplace]

Matthew Hussey is brilliant! " I have a special responsibility to give myself encouragement and compassion and love..." I agree 100%💖

[@susieandrews3025]

Loved this episode. 2 amazing humans having a wise and enlightening conversation 😊

[@Jhawk_2k]

Quitting an addictive behavior without doing the internal emotional work is a recipe for relapse. Using emotional work to quit an addictive behavior may actually leave us better off than when we first got into it.

[@rubyb7252]

just tearing up this entire episode😅 I've seen other recent episodes with Matthew and I've just been relating to so much of what he's had to say.. some good food for thought for sure, for my relationship with myself, my husband, and others

[@budoshi1981]

The podcast that i didn't know i needed liked every minutes of it.

[@gracedreamy2925]

LOVED IT. I also have a list of emotional buttons, that I keep, and update daily, as they really help me get back into the right state of mind. What I learned today was the self-love part, cuz I also never resonated with the idea of self-love. It was discriminatory to the rest of people, BUT, I still think it needs more...more exploration. Like, Matthew did bring it closer; in terms that how self-destructive our approach is, to ourselves, and we need to cultivate a 1-on-1 relationship with our humans, and try to do the best with them, more like a parent does for their child, but I think it still needs further exploration. Hell of great podcast btw.

[@GJones247]

There are some pure fkn gems dropped all throughout this one brotha. Damn now I have to read Alain de Button and Matt book. Maybe give Will a chance again and read his memoir.

[@dontmatter1368]

This is the most insightful and personal conversation I've ever heard. Well done me lads 🖖💯

[@rjflores438]

I think it is actually men who have it harder in dating and love. I am no Brad Pitt but Im an intelligent and decent looking guy but the majority of times when Im out and about, I just feel completely invisible and an imposter whenever I see women I want to talk to. My previous relationships were as a result of putting myself out there and approaching women for months at a tkme before my confidence got to the point where I didnt have the same nerves and I was able to charismatically express myself to the women I eventually dated. Men are suffering from unprecedented levels of loneliness and dating apps have made things 100 times worse.

[@pandoraelysium]

As a female who repeatedly has been sexually assaulted always am worrying whether the next guy I meet will be a good guy or putting me through harm again. I don't think either gender has it easy.

[@nephante8157]

Beautiful chat, really helpful, I'm on the therapy as well and I tell you what the more I know myself the more I understand other people. Thank you for your work👌💚

[@jonaruiz2414]

What really resonated with me was when he said that he was vulnerable and was met with his worst fear of her saying that's unattractive. If I don't love myself and feel shame in the way that I feel, then it will forever change how that person most dear to you see you. I was avoidant and cold. I would shut down when all she wanted was for me to express how I was really feeling and being supportive.

[@rileylilwell5201]

This podcast could not have come at a more Poignant time in my life. Thank you guys, I really enjoy the majority of your podcasts and get a lot out of them. But this one hit different. Thank you

[@bumblebee_mrs]

As a woman who meditates and "has a thought, it goes away and then you say: I'm the type of person who notices my thought"...so good!!!

[@gsav1320]

6:20 😭 that was insanely helpful I feel sorta lost rn deciding between transferring colleges (again) and trying to grow my business I feel lost and lowk lonely and I felt like I was missing a girl but I’d rushing it for the wrong reason. W podcast thanks Chris

[@clairebayscoach]

Really enjoyed this one. Thanks for sharing - both of you!

[@michaelfrimpong4955]

This is my favourite podcast interview on this channel

[@karimaally9245]

Matthew hussey your wording literally made me have tears , I saw myself on you . Soubhanallah how many people in this world are literally feeling the same way deep down inside and doesn’t know each others. Ya Allah 🙏🏽

[@Wave60101]

Sir Matthew is everywhere love listening to both of you Great Podcast Thank you 😊 ❤

[@tinfoil6562]

I enjoyed the session. Thank you so much for sharing!

[@theresas.3808]

This conversation has given me so much insight. For example loving oneself as a parent loves her child as opposed to the romantic approach. This is just one light bulb moment in this inspiring conversation. I cannot wait until Matthew’s book lands in my mailbox.

[@FAD_SANMITH]

Yes, it is. These days, it feels like it’s almost impossible. Most people just want the good part of a relationship, and don’t accept the bad. Most people don’t know the definition of “true love”, which is to put that love first, before any others-not just in the good times. It’s easy to love someone when it’s all light and breezy, and the worst thing that happens is that you might help them move or bring them chicken soup when they catch a cold. That’s not really love, that’s just being a decent human being. True love is what I witnessed between my mother and father. My father became paralyzed, and my mother took care of him for the last six years of his life, and made him the sole focus of her existence. His paralysis caused chronic health conditions, from which he eventually perished. True love was seeing my mother tearfully sign off on a “DNR” notification with shaking hands, because she knew that my father wouldn’t want to live like that, hooked up to machines. True love like that is so rare, you may only hear about it through the grapevine. Ask the person who says they love you if they will take care of you when you’re in a wheelchair. Ask them if they could make your end of life decisions. (Note: if they don’t marry you, that’s a big sign that they do not want this responsibility.) That’s where the rubber meets the road. Everything else consists of just filler relationships, and they don’t mean anything.

[@loganbristol7148]

This is by far my favorite and most relatable show you’ve done yet. Man, what you both talked about just felt different this time around. From psycho analyzing yourself and those thoughts to how to forgive yourself and sit in your own body

[@tiphainer7143]

Wonderful conversation! I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed such an open, vulnerable conversation between two men. I bet it will help many witness two very admirable men open up and exchange like this. I haven’t watched many of Hussey’s content but I just preordered his audiobook. His perspective on love and relationships seems quite different from the (mostly female) perspectives I’m used to sharing with. Thank you, Chris, for another great interview.🙌🏽

[@crissycobain8361]

I really enjoyed listening to this. I love the realness of this topic. You speak to men and women alike and the content is just wonderful. Thank you! So many things resonated with me..I might just do a second listen.

[@mikemcde8378]

Chris, you're doing amazing job. No doubt one of the best podcaster nowadays!

[@paigereynolds4235]

Color me impressed. I love both of these podcasts & the marriage btw the two is delightful! Well done!

[@Kate-rv6kx]

This is the best and most relatable modern wisdom episode yet, and not just because Matthew had a year of ringing in his ears. But how did he get rid of the ringing??? Asking for a friend.

[@TimBitts649]

Too much choice is a curse. I've seen that. The internet and choice is a curse, you need to manage. I know a beautiful woman, now 40, won a beauty contest in her younger days, got a university degree, just the right age for online endless choice. She took it. Now she's alone, cursed by too many options, that ran out of options in time. Pretty much, the movie Bridget Jones Diary.

[@sthubbins4038]

A beautiful 40 year-old woman still has plenty of options. Only bitter single men think they don’t.

[@TimBitts649]

@@sthubbins4038 Sure, but: Will they be the options she wants? No. What gives most women their power and options with men, is being young and being pretty, tell the truth.

[@Emit.]

​@sthubbins4038 well yeah but ideally you want to get into something committed in your twenties(personally I want to in my early to mid twenties) and grow with them over time. She's already traveled, only point now would be fear of dying alone

[@MC-ze8wj]

Another thing that's sad about not settling down young isn't just the possibility of ending up alone but it's the loss of getting to have all your youth with your spouse. A lot is said about how fun it is to have your youth for yourself; you get to try new things and relationships and party unrestricted, perhaps travel the world without being beholden to anyone else. Getting to meet your spouse young however lets you grow together so strong. You're still pliable and so you grow together in your beliefs even more than what brought you together. All the shared experiences, and the lack of trauma from bad previous relationships. Of course people talk about the bonding that happens between first partners that is diminished with each following one but I think there is even more than that to it. Personally, I met my husband at 18 (we're 33 this year) and I feel like I've grown up with him, like he is a part of me, and I wouldn't trade the experience of getting to have grown with him and had all our youth together for all the fun party/ world travel experiences or carefree college years in the world.

[@Emit.]

@@MC-ze8wj that is what I hope for. 18 going 19 in a few months. People in my generation are very commitment resistant on a intimate level at least, but I'm hoping to meet someone with the same intentions

[@LLL-fr3ow]

I made the mistake of sharing something I was insecure about with my ex I was with for 9 years. She told me she needed me to be more vulnerable than when I was she left 😂. I then learn women do not like negative vulnerability( they don't want to see your weakness). I've opted out of romantic relationships all together. Being loved for who you really are is not a privilege men get, we are only loved for what we can provide. We have to be bulletproof and unshakable and that's not even possible, at least not for me.

[@inpropagation]

What was it about?

[@hummingbird4934]

I’d love you more for it. Good women are out there ❤

[@peke1822]

Not all women, the man I loved was vulnerable with me, he cried once or twice over something and I only conforted him as I would do with any loved one of mine. I didn't left him for that reason, in fact he left me because he wanted to fuck around

[@ajs3451]

Brilliant. I need more of this ..all the time, everyday,

[@aldezaw3133]

omg.. I love how Matthew described the sunsets!

[@rungeon83]

This is such a fantastic podcast, I wish more men would be open like this! I'm a northern man who now lives down south, so it's cool to see a northerner and southerner leaving the bullshit behind and opening up to give us a fantastic podcast. THANK YOU!

[@CreativeCache101]

having recently recovered from horrendous illness that destroyed my body (recovered now), I relate to the point about looking after the one human that is you. However I took it further, realising that that the relationship is reciprocated by your body too, and gained a huge appreciation for the physical cage my mind gets to move around in. Being faced with your own mortality I realised my body is busy keeping me alive just as much as my mind is, so you cant ever take it for granted. And look after the bloody thing!

[@dosboot1]

I know this isn't the majority opinion, but Dating/Relationship Podcasts like this are so frustrating and I'm not sure I can finish it. There was one line that I found relatable ("Struggling to find love, disappointed, and asking myself 'why am I struggling? Why are people around me content and seem to glide through?'"). This podcast was frustrating to me because 1) the guest wants to frame the subject around deep and psychological issues and 2) he doesn't actually want to open up after vaguely gesturing to them. On the first part, the reasons why the viewer isn't finding love probably are NOT that deep and psychological... it's probably a question they shouldn't dwell on excessively, and instead the useful thing to dwell on finding a sense of ease and peace. On the second part, there were so many times where the guest performs as if he is opening up WITHOUT actually providing any details for us to remember or relate to. Examples: opening up about an insecurity with Audrey, opening up about an insecurity with a previous girlfriend, when he said "being incapable of sitting with his feelings" in his 20s, and "not sorting his own stuff first". What happened in all these things? Are these really relevant to why the viewer can't find love? What were the situations, the feelings, the details? No elaboration given, nor does he see that as the point. How am I suppose to relate to anything they are saying? I don't relate, I also don't think it is relevant to me, and I don't think I can finish.

[@maximumryan]

Brilliant episode! 🔥🔥🔥

[@einbrown594]

Why does finding love require writing down your "identity matrix"? Supposedly the podcast is about the question "Why is Love So Hard to Find in the Modern World?", but the two people on the show talked themselves into giving evidence for the opposite: more people than ever are doing highly enlightened things like understanding the layers of their identity, and conversely basically no one in our parents generation did that. I think the viewers should be pushing back more with episodes like these.

[@alexanderkanwischer]

I found this at the perfect time in my life. Thank you both SOOO much for making this, it truly changed my life!

[@RockBottom4]

These two gonna fall in love ❤

[@allmarknobite8726]

Chris, thanks for having Matt on for a discussion again. He's one of my favorite guests of yours, and appreciate you both for being real and making me think.

[@myronschabe]

Listening to this conversation I feel like IFS therapy/modality would be very beneficial for EVERYONE to understand the model presented in IFS...that you have different parts that can be contradictory for one...and secondly, it gives an excellent understanding of things so that you can be compassionate with yourself firstoff, as well as compassionate with others... Exiles, protectors/managers and firefighters with Self capital S...the model makes so much sense when you understand it...if Dick Schwartz hasn't been on the show I would hightly suggest.

[@KariEllenJames]

My biggest takeaway from this: I am responsible for this human. When I frame self-love in this way, I will treat myself well so that I can thrive. Thank you ❤

[@ricciwilliamsjr3212]

The title has made me feel Less lonely. Stop being lonely, I’m cured.

[@xmanboby]

Amazing podcast ... Made me feel vulnerable

[@CasaBonita1018]

As a somewhat emotional guy, I actually hate the concept creep of "trauma." There's good in developing an understanding of your upbringing, insecurities, and emotional response patterns... but connotatively equating your lack of confidence from getting made fun of by peers at 8 years old to severe abuse, having your broken femur sticking out of your thigh and nearly bleeding out, or seeing your brother in arms blown to pieces in front of you by an IED is a mistake. You're diluting the word and encouraging an endless recursion of psychological navel-gazing by suggesting "trauma" in modern parlance is anywhere near as debilitating as such experiences. Also think - even if you do feel deeply - aspiring to a level of stoicism and confidence that allows others to rely on you is admirable, and the over-focus on mental health in current times is an over-correction. Sometimes you should upbraid yourself. Have standards to both move toward and away from.

[@brianmeen2158]

Great point! I have to admit that in current day there is a bit of fixation on trauma and some bathe too much in it. I think long term therapy has actually some people more than it’s helped

[@TuffLuv1984]

You’re very foolish to think that you cannot die a death by a thousand cuts. Both are traumatic experiences. Just not in the same way.

[@CasaBonita1018]

@@TuffLuv1984 no they really aren't

[@tasleemlaila1478]

I love the vulnerability in this and in your book. I'm so curious where Audrey would say she gets or learns her sense of self regulating, where she gets such a healthy approach to relationship building.

[@PattisKarriereKarten]

Matthew is such a gem!

[@tempsoda]

This was a great conversation, some great insights to take away. Thank you! 🩵

[@mattanderson6672]

Brilliant, thank you!!

[@indoorphine]

Two smart, insightful, young men talking, bring it on

[@danieldaniel-wi2cn]

regarding situations in more or less 1:00:00h Sadia Khan used to say to people in that moments 'how my insecurities are going to ruin this relationship' And that sinked into me.

[@Luuminous_Luu]

This is such a beautiful episode. It touches my heart greatly but in the softest way when people courageously show vulnerability. I’m 36 too, sometimes it scares me so much that I may spend the rest of my life all on my own but hey loving myself and taking care of me should really be the first priority no matter what. Will def look for the book. Thank you for this ❤

[@serenedoge]

I think it's time I finally accept the fact that after a lot of minutes watching dating advice videos on the internet, I'm not really the audience for this. On another level, I find it really insulting that these attractive men and women can openly talk about their "insecurities" when they have a significnantly easier time in the dating market.

[@nalianalianalia]

Yep. More on this: Matthew's wife Audrey about which he speaks so much looks like a super Instagram model, but obviously he stayed silent on *that* point and preferred to speak about her being able to gear him on with her vulnerabilities and understanding. Right. These two attractive people (Chris and Matthew) carry on whole such message about focusing on authenticity, not rejecting people who love us and respect is etc. not because we should (and can) do so but because they want us to dream on. Because that's how they make money on their podcasts.

[@elainegeber4604]

Matthew does not present as someone who is perfect, and has everything . I believe his book is who he is, using his own experiences without intimate details 👍

[@mda193]

This conversation held so many valuable points for me! Especially around the part of having difficult conversations. Thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤

[@iwasbutchered]

Hey this was so good, honestly one of the best pods I’ve listened too. Felt like you were describing me. A relief to know there are others who have worked through it. Thanks to both of you.

[@drmatthewhorkey]

I like this conversation a lot Chris. It flowed very naturally compared to some other conversations. Keep up the good work

[@michaelpalosaari9460]

Apparently, I live under a rock and have not heard of your brilliant guest before today. Probably some of the most brilliant, understandable, valid information I’ve taken in recently. Changed my life today. My deepest gratitude Chris for your work. Thank you. Peace ☮️

[@tatianacamacho7052]

Uau 🌻 tão bonito e sincero este episódio, tão vida real 🧡

[@JulesK6]

Thank you both for the awesome conversation and vulnerability!

[@AlwaysSummer63]

Lmfao Chris and his crocs 😅ahaha! Love it.

[@hopefull2070]

It's been excruciating looking externally for love. I've been through many painful experiences to finally recognize that ultimately love grows and flourishes from within. I was emotionally and physically neglected as a child, so I've really struggled in my adult years to not seek, need, even expect, to be understood, cared for and loved. I'm now in midlife and have finally grew to accept that love, compassion, empathy is cultivated from within and shared externally, rather than the other way around. It's just a matter of finding someone who resonates with the love i have to offer. To be single and peaceful, to be fully accepting of oneself is a great indicator that i am now ready to share myself with another. I think understanding our attachment styles and working through that with one another in compromise and compassion really helps with mutual balance and a deepening of each others realities.

[@Berryandmango]

Mr Hussey seems to have a very kind heart; that’s beautiful and so attractive.

[@elisabethlavoie7655]

Pre-ordered the book, looking forward to reading it!!

[@pandoraelysium]

Reading his book is one thing. Enjoying his voice a different experience. 😂

[@ameliahamilton8637]

Love this guy ❤ and love the revelation of taking care of my human ❤ also i think he looks like harry potters dad. And not cuz of his accent, cuz of his face.

[@RichardRatner.1972]

A very cool & humble guy. Completely transparent. Great conversation. Kindest regards, Richard U.K