Modern Dating: Choosing Connection Over Attention With Matthew Hussey | The Man Enough Podcast

#ManEnoughPodcast #ManEnough #masculinity #undefined
Renowned dating coach and New York Times bestselling author Matthew Hussey brings his expert insights into modern dating, emphasizing the importance of building connections that go beyond superficial interactions. The conversation delves into the common traps of today's dating culture, which often lead people into patterns of avoidance and isolation. We talk about how this is particularly affecting young men and Matthew provides specific tips to help shift our perspectives.
Co-host Jamey Heath highlights the importance of prioritizing friendship as a foundation for romantic relationships while co-host Liz Plank vulnerably shares her fear and personal frustration with dating. This set the stage for a healthy debate about whether we should lower our standards or not while looking for our perfect match and the important idea of being 'happy enough' before everything else.
In this episode:
- The challenge of dating amidst a culture of avoidance and isolation
- Specific dating tips to help men and women find meaningful partnerships
- The importance of recognizing when a relationship doesn't serve you
- How to reframe thinking to be open to deeper connections
- Debunk popular sayings such as ‘nice guys finish last’ and ‘if he wanted to, he would’
- This episode is a must-listen for anyone navigating the complexities of modern relationships and looking to cultivate genuine connections. Whether you’re actively dating or evaluating your current relationship, you’ll find valuable insights and advice to help you move forward.
Matthew's new book, Love Life, is out on 23rd April 2024 - you can pre-order at LoveLifeBook.com
TIMECODES:
(00:00) Episode Begins
(04:45) When is the last time you didn’t feel enough?
(10:36) Dating advices men VS women
(17:36) Leaving a relationship that doesn't serve you
(20:22) Don't confuse anxiety for passion
(29:57) The loneliness epidemic
(43:15) Sacrifice attention for connection
(51:37) Unbearable desire to find love at all cost
(58:40) Should we lower our standards?
(1:07:53) The concept of "happy enough"
(1:15:37) Rapid fire questions (i.e. helpful tips)
(1:27:59) Being man enough
QUOTES:
"We often glorify people who have found a relationship, but there are so many people I've met who are more successful the day they leave their relationship." - Matthew Hussey
"Anxiety can often feel like passion. You get excited about someone, but you don't necessarily know exactly why." - Matthew Hussey
"We put these expectations on ourselves. I need to rethink what real love and connection is. Because we don't have a problem as much making friends as we do making a boyfriend or a girlfriend." - Jamey Heath
"I mean, being in a relationship is almost like winning the lottery. I feel like people in relationships forget that because you were once single too." - Liz Plank
ABOUT MATTHEW HUSSEY:
Matthew Hussey is a New York Times bestselling author, speaker, and coach specializing in confidence and relational intelligence. His KZbin channel is number one in the world for love life advice, with over half a billion views. He writes a weekly newsletter and is the host of the podcast Love Life With Matthew Hus­sey. Hussey provides monthly coaching to the members of his private community at LoveLifeClub.com. Over the past fifteen years, his proven approach has inspired millions through authentic, insightful, and practical advice that not only enables them to find love but also feel confident and in control of their own happiness. He lives in Los Angeles.
FOLLOW MATTHEW HUSSEY:
Instagram: / thematthewhussey
KZbin: / @thematthewhussey
Website: matthewhussey.com
JOIN THE MAN ENOUGH COMMUNITY:
Follow: manenough.com/podcast
Instagram: / wearemanenough
TikTok: tiktok.com/wearemanenough
Twitter: / wearemanenough
Facebook: / wearemanenough
Subscribe to the Man Enough newsletter for behind the scenes, updates, and sneak peeks of new episodes, as well as positive masculinity content: manenough.com/newsletter
Read the book: manenough.com/books
FOLLOW THE HOSTS:
Liz Plank: / feministabulous
Liz Plank TikTok: / lizplank
Liz Plank Facebook: / feministabulous
Liz Plank Twitter: / feministabulous
Site: www.elizabethplank.com/
Jamey Heath Instagram: / jamey_heath_
Jamey Heath TikTok: / jameyheath
Jamey Heath Twitter: / jamey_heath_
Jamey Heath Facebook: / jameyjaz
Site: www.jameyheath.com/
PRODUCED BY:
Wayfarer Studios: www.wayfarerstudios.com
Wayfarer Studios KZbin: / wayfarerentertainment
Executive Producers: Justin Baldoni, Jamey Heath, Tarah Malhotra-Feinberg

[@bartholetbay412]

A perfect marriage or relationship is an illusion; there's no universal playbook for making them work. What's effective for one couple may not apply to another. Nevertheless, I've come to understand that there's always a solution to be found. Half a decade ago, my wife and I faced such trials in our marriage that divorce seemed inevitable. Yet, through perseverance and determination, we navigated through the rough waters and emerged stronger, reunited, and more resilient

[@elladonaldson-lh6nc]

There is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without him, I love him so much. wish I can get him back I can do anything to have him back, we have tried therapy amongst other things

[@bartholetbay412]

Its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is Shelly renee white

[@elladonaldson-lh6nc]

This is helpful, I will look her up online right now...Thanks

[@bartholetbay412]

You wont regret it

[@alenaadamkova7617]

I think in every habit "compound pounding" effect is the best solution.. People probably know this effect but forgot about it because of being too distracted by media or thoughts etc. in sport, in business, in relationships. 1. If you use compound pounding in sport, (exercissing for an hour) you will see no results in 5 days,but you will see big results in 100 days. 2. If you will say a good morning to people, you will see no effect in 5 days, but you will see a great difference in 100 days. 3. If you will practice the compassion for your partner and make some good deed, you will see no or small difference in 5 days, but you will see a great difference in 50 or 100 days, you will see how much you mean to them. People see this compound pounding effect in the nature, the garden looks the same after few days, but after a 100 days it looks different. Therefore you can not tell if your values are working after one week, because you see the effect after 100 or 140 days. Maybe each couple should practice this technique, If I will make something small to make my partner happy, for a little moment, they will remember these little moments, and good calm or happy mood increases the immunity of the body by 50 percent in 4 days. So their kids will learn the same technique. They will learn that if they will read a book 10 minutes a day, it has a great impact on brain. Next time it may be 20 minutes a day. But if you stop doing the healthy habit now... after a week it makes no difference after 140 days the results change for worse, you lose muscles or you lose some skill or motivation etc. Good deed may be also making a pizza or small things. People actually enjoy small things much more than big gestures, because it´s about living in the moment...... Big gestures (expensive car) mean that you actually burned out too much energy to make a small effect, rather than small gestures that after time create a great effect of connection, and people like you for your authentic personality.

[@jz372]

I wish modern men were more like Mathew Hussey. He has a good heart, he’s a lover. There are horrible dating coaches out there who are more interested in dominating women instead of connecting with them which is scary. I hope Matthew connects with more men and show them the light.

[@osmosisjones4912]

So advice from to boys even very consern is out of self interest as women

[@Mushroom321-]

True!!

[@123seza]

Agreed. As much as he helps women I want him to expand platforms and reach and connect to so many guys out there that really seem to need better dating/relo coaches and role models

[@suzzannarogers]

❤

[@kikobiko7088]

Unfortunately, for many men there is no light. They may just not be good looking enough for women to bother at all, even thou they can be great guys. Modern dating, after femenism hooking up culture and dating apps is nothing more then looks and quick dopamine release. It is very hard to make meaningful connections because women are only fixated on looks.

[@Berryandmango]

Matthew Hussey was designed and created for times such as these. This is literally his calling from the time he was in his Mum’s womb I feel. He is really deeply invested and has put in a great deal of heart, soul and thought into his craft.

[@DavidVelasquez9]

Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.

[@DailamiPuang]

its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back

[@DavidVelasquez9]

Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?

[@DavidVelasquez9]

Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive

[@baeconater8]

Definitely get a counselor, helps to see what went wrong if anything so you grow from this situation and not just hurt from it.

[@joesillamanrs7189]

Time heals. You’ll find a better person who desires you!

[@taraz6786]

Matthew truly radiates empathy, it’s so rare for me personally at least, to encounter a man with this level of compassion. He’s like a unicorn. 😂

[@gregm762]

"The outcome is not commensurate with the effort." Love that she made this point, as this is exactly the realization I came to after so many years of being the personification of Einstein's definition of insanity. Now that I'm turning 50 I find what matters most is serenity and peace of mind, and that's my focus going forward.

[@clairestamborski7374]

Much love for Liz and her vulnerability *hugs

[@Mushroom321-]

Yes!! 😕😊

[@krystall1989]

One thousand percent agree with his definition of being (man) enough. To stop posturing and even lying to yourself and the world/ prospective partners about where you are, that is foundational for building honest relationship and at this point the only thing worth looking for.

[@WeAreManEnough]

🧡

[@meruyertbalgabek]

Wow, great interview! Nice questions and discussion. It is really interesting to hear different perspectives.

[@santisanti8386]

I discovered the morning after 30 years of saying to myself that I was a night owl... Lie! I wake up around 6 now and I love it. Getting out in the light as soon as possible makes all the difference.

[@olujidejeboda3421]

I love this episode. Real and down to earth. Today's dating world has a lot of "Mind or Head Games" are a thing of today's modern dating but it is what is. Good insightful converstion! love it!

[@WeAreManEnough]

Thank you for watching! 🧡

[@subeeka.]

Matthew is a star!

[@jodore6363]

This was mind blowing! Absolutetly necessary for me rigth now. One of my favourite podcast episodes ever! Thank you so much!

[@IndoorSugar]

Stumbled across this podcast after the Drake Bell episode and I am hooked. Just turned 29 and although I am not by any means "OLD", I do find myself wondering "What kind of man are you going to be?" And finding those true conversations are hard to get in the "masculine" world we live in, when its the deep conversations that really shapes a boy into a man. Keep em up.

[@WeAreManEnough]

Glad you found us - thank you for watching!

[@alenaadamkova7617]

He says use connection not attention. WellI wonder if the corporations and companies who sell tons of make up, cosmetics, not one type of make up, but 350 types and brainwash women to have transactional relationships, and men have transactional bonds, just to look superficial, but never seek a connection instead..... just buying more makeup, more parfums, more nails, more shoes, more, more These brainwashing companies will not tell men or women chose conection instead of attention and superfiacial looks, and why such men and women look so unhappy, despite all the material things they bought. maybe minimalsim is happiness.

[@alenaadamkova7617]

"Truth can walk naked, but lie has to be always dressed." Khalil Libran

[@peteransell2000]

Jesus is the best role model..both for men and women..He helps us become the best we can be. ❤

[@IndoorSugar]

@@peteransell2000 I am not religious but I’ll respect your views. ❤️

[@thestagemanager12]

Absolutely loved this episode! Some other guests I'd love to see someday: John and/or Hank Green (the conversation they could have about masculinity and brotherhood would be lovely), Brennan Lee Mulligan, Matt Mercer, Lin Manuel Miranda, and Ryan Reynolds.

[@Wave60101]

Sir Matthew is everywhere I enjoyed Listening this episode.

[@peacewarrior9518]

I am 49 just walked away from a 9 year relationship because I became aware of who I am and what I would like and that is connection not attraction as I am now connected with who I am I I am happy enough love your words and heart and soul Mathew thank you for your insight and wisdom about love now it all make sense for me ❤

[@SarahMele]

“If there’s a problem I’ll fix it” 1:08:50 This mentality is also very much the mentality I see from Jamie, which is his super power but also makes sense why he might struggle with the concept that Matthew is spelling out. I like the reframe of focusing on your relationship with yourself and also LIFE. My reflection from this is: “what is my relationship to life right now?”

[@vanhoudtshoorn]

Thank you❤. Love Dr Ramani and Dr Chatterjeea podcasts

[@monicaarcoya]

Amazing, loved it

[@aureliere]

This was a brilliant conversation between the three of you dissecting modern dating life. I felt seen and validated!! Greetings from the Netherlands 🇳🇱 ❤

[@benjaminbauer425]

Same here. Add Germany to that list.

[@ginoambroise6559]

OMG ! I so loved this episode. I've been following Mathew Hussey for quite a while now but the fact that this conversation had other elements relating to personal experience made it awesome. By the way, I'm a 49 year old man longing for intimate relationship and i used to be so depressed because of that but like Mathew said I'm being self compassionate and it eased the pain of loneliness

[@indoorphine]

i love Matthew

[@whispersfromheavenones]

I would have done same thing Rebeca did. The world is upside down with this one. The poor man and his itch😂

[@user-qc2gt5xb9u]

You are working for the dating app, which is why more people can look for a partner. It’s better for your pocket instead of encouraging people to act like adults and stop doing dumb things, pursuing someone for the wrong reasons, especially men who chase women just for their beauty. You encourage them to keep searching, and you know it is an addictive move for anyone to put themselves out there.

[@danacooper6723]

This channel popped up and I decided to let it play in the background while I was doing my hair. The first few minutes of listening to Mathew I kept saying"Yup" "He's right". @thequeenpo dies an EXCELLENT video on Shadow Work, which is what a lot of people have to do to work out those past traumas. I'll listen in the car while I run errands. His analogies make perfect sense to me.

[@nmania3]

This video just popped up for me too. I love queens videos! Butterflies in the sky!🦋🦋

[@alenaadamkova7617]

Quote: "People who dot feel any purpose, choose pleasure."

[@kathrynhays7794]

Can we have a part 2?

[@Berryandmango]

The Bible says“ „Toward the end, the hearts of men, will grow cold“. Meaning, we will lose our ability to love.

[@jj1221ify]

Audreyyyy is the queeeeennnn

[@lylyanazarela4807]

Mathew Hussey speaks we listen ❤ best love coach ever

[@elgeebee5250]

It was the opposite to me. I felt the resentment of not being good enough for a proper relationship and connection in my twenties (just a fling, as a pretty girl, now I find it hard to love and trust any men in my 30s.

[@elgeebee5250]

It does become scarier, invisible etc!!

[@Cee_Eff]

but attention does not create the "hot chemistry" needed to create a date in the first place

[@ragsluvsmusic101]

I love Matthew Hussey!

[@vilimainaralulu188]

Best female dating coach

[@maojane]

Matthew was very insightful, loved it! Thank you to Liz for being so open and vulnerable. The male host is not my cup of tea 😑 wayyy too aggressive and ideas do not resonate at all 😒

[@priyankav9792]

Matthew respects his wife and involves her in his business..though she is normal that's wat i like in him..a guy should always respect his better half and treat equally even if she is very normal, not earning person.

[@Mushroom321-]

SO MANY HIGHLIGHTS from matthew hussy !!& all of them !! 😲👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

[@seth_piano]

Something that is jumping out at me is the idea of dating to "connect" vs. "impress". Of course I want to connect, but I'm wondering if I have some kind of subconscious belief that women don't want to be connected with, they only want to be impressed. (And if so, how true is that?) It'd be nice to rewrite that crappy narrative. I feel like connecting with someone who wants to be connected with is an easier ask than trying to be endlessly impressive, as long as both people are striving towards that same goal.

[@bundlewade]

There are indeed women who want to connect--who, in fact, crave that connection at a visceral level. I understand that some may just want to be impressed, but you cannot build a relationship just based on how impressive someone is. So, Seth, please take heart. There are some good women out there (I speak for myself, but I know I'm not alone).

[@seth_piano]

@@bundlewade Thanks so much for your kind comments :) It can be difficult for me to put these thoughts out there on the internet, knowing that I can easily be attacked from all angles for the horrible crime of just trying to make sense of this stuff. You didn't choose that route. You chose kindness, and I appreciate that.

[@ForrestMystic]

There absolutely are women who want that. And true connection is not easy to find, not just romantically, but in friendships as well. We're all in the same boat. We have to learn that the other side is not the enemy.

[@seth_piano]

@@ForrestMystic You and the other person who responded to my comment, in just a few words, have done a lot to give me hope :)

[@gretchenknurr580]

I think finding a genuine connection with someone will be one of the things that impresses me the most about him-and many of my single friends feel the same way as me! Having practical things in order, like a job, or healthy habits, etc., is appealing, but those alone don’t make someone a good partner if there is no genuine connection.

[@thecharger98]

Note to self: 47:19

[@patricetrotter]

Is it better to be single or in a relationship?

[@iwanttobreakfree1307]

Which one brings you more peace? either way, all starts in our relationship with ourselves.

[@aeshy.th1rt3en]

not sure if anyone has ever thought about this but can you guys have Bretman Rock on this show pleaseeeee?

[@elgeebee5250]

I'm in the same position as that woman

[@user-wo1mz9dv8z]

Rick &Mordy did an episode everyone taking his advice

[@kegandalaniebills3659]

what episode?

[@elgeebee5250]

YES a LOT of resentment and bitterness with some young men 'a failed love story - and that turns people to evil'. I feel it as a woman, I have been so badly treated - in terms of longer term relationship. I am exhausted. I get depression and I just can't believe someone will be there for me. At 30, I feel damn bruised and battered, not just by life, the world, the traumas - but the sadness and loneliness I felt as a young woman, just wanting FRIENDSHIP & love. Not guys having sex with me and ignoring me. Being too mature for most of them it seemed, and now still left

[@Cee_Eff]

I'm sure that if I approached you, you would tell me that I'm not "hot enough", don't have the "right chemistry", but I would be a great husband, only to have you shame me for not accepting a foodie call while you went ahead and Fu%$ed Chad because the chemistry was so hot. I have the exact opposite experience

[@elgeebee5250]

we shouldnt shame people for these feelings

[@Empre55]

20:08🔖, 24:11, 27:11, 28:49, 35:15

[@marialiedel7971]

How do you stop dating from a place of ego?

[@peteransell2000]

Forget self ...my needs..my wants..how am l coming across etc and focus on the other person..help the to haveva good time..within your boundaries of good behaviour

[@marialiedel7971]

@@peteransell2000 I really like that! Thank you!

[@osmosisjones4912]

People make think an stress any conflicts should about the relationship. Rick and morty Did episode showing your model

[@kegandalaniebills3659]

what episode

[@osmosisjones4912]

@@kegandalaniebills3659 it was about dating apps

[@osmosisjones4912]

@@kegandalaniebills3659 It was about dating apps

[@trinni1621]

These two men do not like each other

[@susanminer9692]

Just an observation… You may want to clean up the light on the guest

[@judyconte6566]

I think this guy is really smart but I'm very confused about what he's saying.On the one hand ( in a recent video I watched of his ) he said don't be the first one to call give the exact amount of energy that that person is giving to you and now he's saying be the first one to call. So what are you supposed to do when a dating experts is giving you conflicting advice, Very confusing !!!!!!!

[@peteransell2000]

Follow your heart...it ll tell you what to do..😊

[@girlygirl1890]

@judy Well, in THIS Podcast, he has a book to sell sooooo (lol) there's your answer. After he gets enough copies of the book sold, he'll go back to the "give the same energy" and "don't call first" advice.😂🤣🤣

[@medalomismo8424]

very heteronormative conversation

[@freshmintsky]

Her voice feels painful to hear :( so much anxiety

[@kikobiko7088]

The usual nonsense. I very good looking guy teaching other how to date. Let me address the elephant in the room. I am sure you are very successful with women and love BECAUSE YOU ARE VERY GOOD LOOKING. What works for you will not work for the vast majority of men.

[@annmariebudyn]

Good podcast ruined by bad language at the end. Sorry f*** word doesn't sit well with me. It's not the language for broadcasting and makes you sound weak.

[@elgeebee5250]

I am noticing so many judgemental men. It's awful

[@merlinsreturn]

Mathew Hussey? He's so entitled I can't listen to him for more than a few seconds. He's on the border of egotistic/narcissistic and you have him on as a guest? Seriously?!

[@Yeodoongiiie]

what exactly makes you say he is entitled? i would really like to know how you came to that thought...

[@Nutz4Lutz3624]

projecting

[@merlinsreturn]

@@Yeodoongiiie If you think Hussey is better than other dating coaches and that makes him good, you haven't realised that you have been brainwashed into the good cop bad copy abusive strategy used by the patriarchy. Rethink taking dating advice from ANY male dating coaches given that the number 1 killer of women is males. Consider the standards for what makes women great and compare those standards to the BARE MINIMUM standards set for men. "OMG he doesn't call women animals so he is such a great guy! ". My standards for what is a good man worthy of respect is Jackson Katz. Have a good day.

[@brennam954]

You sound deeply insecure and like you didn't really listen to the video.

[@BUY_YT_Views_527]

Amazing work!

[@joneil0022]

Ahh, the ultime pusher of defective products. He's a female dating coach. That's all I have to say.

[@stephaniecass8487]

They literally addressed that > his first demographic was men, then he switched over to women, but has evolved into non-gendered relationship advice.

[@joneil0022]

@@stephaniecass8487 Last I knew he was scamming females. So he's expanded his grift. Noted.

[@mauimanda04]

As a divorced woman in her late 30s, I'm looking forward to hearing this because I do want to date again, but I also don't date just to date....I hope you guys can have Shawn Mendes on again. He was so good on his episode and he's gone through a lot since then. I feel like he's a perfect example of being a man who is able to recognize emotions and that those a part of being a man, too. Anyway... thanks for the good episodes and conversations. ❤💜🩵

[@rjflores438]

It is men that are even more desperate for connection in my opinion, I can vouch as a man the amount of times I have gone out of my way to try and connect with women and been met with a cold shoulder and eyes of derision as their wireless earphones go back in, and those women always seem to have countless dating options even if they dont make an effort.

[@AndiAlexander1]

@@rjflores438stop comparing your level of loneliness and trying to win that, or you will win it. You’re missing what connection actually means. Of course you want that- we all do. We wear headphones to signal we are not open to talking. Take that cue. Talk to someone who isn’t on their way to work or on the phone with their bank and who doesn’t have a partner.

[@halfassedfart]

​@@rjflores438aye, I can relate. Not quite the same scenario, but a broader summary: men are dying of thirst in the desert, women are dying of thirst in the ocean.

[@brennam954]

@@rjflores438 "as their wireless earphones go back in". Sounds you're hitting on women at inappropriate times, like when they're at the gym or busy doing other things and not realy open to conversation.

[@rjflores438]

@brennam954 As a man you have to approach women on a regular basis to get experience interacting and getting your confidence up, you have to risk her being disinterested and actually have the audacity to approach.