Death in the Vatican: The Swiss Guard Murders

[@TheCasualCriminalist]

Thanks to Keeps for sponsoring this video! Head to keeps.com/Criminalist to get 50% off your first Keeps order.

[@degzi]

this bollocks will never work

[@franciosdauteuil4626]

12:30 as far as I am aware blasphemy or referring to holy acts/the bible as being done by the devil is the only unforgivable sin. That being said i hardly feel that is anywhere near as bad as murder, rape, or pedophilia and yet those are somehow forgivable.

[@slcpunk2740]

Simon: OMFG THERE'S A NOISE, can you hear that? Sam, as an old Captain America: No, I don't think they will.

[@MrOrchidion]

no

[@giantred]

I also have a majestic mane but my partner keeps pointing out my receding hairline... MAYBE I shall give Keeps a try...

[@robertalpy9422]

The Papal guard used to be mostly Italians but one pope didn't trust his Vatican guard to be totally loyal. It may have been Alexander II or Julius II sometime in the 15 or 16th century who hired a personal guard of Swiss mercenaries. When the king of France attacked the Vatican around that time the pope fell back to the Castile de Saint Angelo and while his papal guard fled as the French approached, his Swiss mercenaries held the bridge and finally the door . They died to the last man giving the pope and the papal court time to escape out a hidden escape route. After that day the Pope honored the Swiss guards who died, by forming a papal guard compiled only of Swiss Catholics. Michaelangelo did design their uniforms.

[@RazorfistKingoftheSimps]

In the heart of holy see In the home of Christianity The seat of power is in danger There's a foe of a thousand swords They've been abandoned by their lords Their fall from grace will pave their path, to damnation Then the 189 In the service of heaven They're protecting the holy line It was 1527 Gave their lives on the steps to heaven Thy will be done! For the grace, for the might of our lord For the home of the holy For the faith, for the way of the sword Gave their lives so boldly For the grace, for the might of our lord In the name of his glory For the faith, for the way of the sword Come and tell their story again Under guard of 42 Along a secret avenue Castle saint Angelo is waiting They're the guard of the holy see They're the guards of Christianity Their path to history is paved with salvation Then the 189 In the service of heaven They're protecting the holy line It was 1527 Gave their lives on the steps to heaven

[@brycealthoff8092]

@@RazorfistKingoftheSimps it was only a matter of time before someone quoted Sabaton

[@Cec9e13]

If one must die a violent death, let it be in such a manner that Sabaton sings your praises.

[@Merlin012001]

Yeah, I think having a group of men fight so hard that all of them die defending you deserves a massive thank you and a whole page in the history books. Kind of reminds me of the one berserker who held off the English on a bridge. Going back to the Swiss guard...they proved their loyalty, so guys like that are the people I want protecting my back if I was a pope.

[@makinapacal]

The incident you were referring too was the sack of Rome in 1527 when members of the Swiss guard helped the Pope, (Clement VII), into the fortress of the Castle St. Angelo, has the city of Rome was being stormed and then sacked by troops of the Emperor Charles V. (Charles V was fighting the French and the Pope was allied with the French.)

[@lizc6393]

"Because the brain is real important for keeping all your shit together" now this is the sort of hard-hitting educational content we've come to expect from you, fact boi. Bravo!

[@Kari.F.]

That made me laugh, too. It's just so very Simon! 😁

[@raquellofstedt9713]

😆

[@Silverhand290]

My shit is rarely together. Now I know why, my brain is obviously malfunctioning.

[@JerryEricsson]

Indeed. I watched as my sister failed after surgery to remove the cancer in her frontal lobe ate away at her brain. It broke my heart to see her rapid decline and demise. This following our younger sister suffer from lung cancer that spread through her body and took her life over half a winter season. Then I had to watch as my wife was taken by cancer of her stomach that spread through her body as she waited for the tests to prove it was not an ulcer for the covid restrictions to allow the outpatient surgical clinic to reopen as the damn hospital sat empty as the COVID had not yet reached our part of the USA! I was very upset, but I am much better now.

[@TheCasualCriminalist]

I live to serve.

[@CatastrophicGay]

The "in American measurements, that's 840 inhabitants" was really funny I liked it a lot

[@michaelmoorrees3585]

How many is that in metric ?

[@ThenISaid]

About 3396 quarter's

[@doctorshell7118]

I laughed way too hard at that

[@CatastrophicGay]

@Rachel M those numbers are wayy too low!! If the average person weights about 83.5kg, and the average quarter weighs 5.67g, it would take 12,380,741(ish) quarters to weigh as much as 840 people! That's 165 washing machines!

[@First-Name_Last-Name]

I live in a country where soccer is called football. And American football is... American football. The term "X is size of Y number of football field" sometimes makes me wonder "which football are you talking about?"

[@joshuadelacruz6617]

Simon sharing his thoughts as the story progresses is so entertaining.

[@amberly0317]

He always apologizes for the tangents but I absolutely love them lol

[@Damoinion]

It has also given us proof that he inhabits a basement. The next question is whose basement is it?

[@angelwings7930]

It’s dull.

[@josephschultz3301]

Whenever Simon does a writer reveal, then states that the audience was kind to said writer, I'm quite happy. I enjoy this podcast quite a lot, so it does my heart good to see all the new writers getting love. Good for you, Arnoldo! (I spelled it the way I know it lol).

[@thevioletsiren]

I went to Catholic school for 13 years. No sin in unforgivable. Suicide used to be considered unforgivable until people learned more about mental health.

[@lizc6393]

I thought apostasy was the only unforgivable sin? At least according to scripture, right?

[@pslinky]

I just looked it up apparently the only unforgivable sin is rejecting gods offer of forgiveness. So like, yeah if you don't ask forgiveness, you'll go to hell. So really, there is no unforgivable sin, its just rejecting the forgiveness. Which is kinda funny to me

[@MCKevin289]

I was raised Catholic but I’m now an agnostic/lapsed Catholic/cultural Catholic. Confession isn’t an automatic forgiveness of your sins. You have to be truly sorry for it an atone for it ie saying 5 Hail Marys and an our father. The idea of confession is that it’s between you and god and only god would know if you were truly sorry.

[@Emnms68]

@@MCKevin289 the atonement of 5 Hail Mary’s etc. thing is more of a way to make it up to your Church community, because you are technically apologizing for your sins against them to them by confessing to a priest. That’s what makes going to confession different to just having a one-on-one confession in your heart between you and God. At least that’s how it was explained to me. Also, it’s not just being truly sorry; you are also making a promise that you have resolved to not do it again, so it’s not like a get out of jail free card, you have to actively try to do better, which is what I think you were getting at with the atonement thing. But basically, yeah, God’s forgiveness and love for us is beyond our comprehension, and He knows what is in our hearts.

[@Rolandais]

Funny how God didn't know about Mental Health, and could have told people about it you know, all those years back, also the whole slavery thing, probably a thing he could've said "Hey, don't" oh, and calling bats birds, and mustard seeds the smallest se...you know what, maybe religion is just stupid people believing is stupid ideas made up by evil people to control them, and not actually worth the paper it is printed on. Also, Apostasy is still an unforgivable sin in Catholicism.

[@robertwalker-smith2739]

Fun fact: no countries have diplomatic relations with the Vatican. As Simon mentioned in passing, it's the Holy See that sends nuncios and legates and receives ambassadors. The distinction between the Vatican and the Holy See is one of those esoteric subjects that are challenging for those who didn't grow up with it. Like the fact that Queen Elizabeth II owns some things as a private individual and other things as the embodiment of the Crown. The idea that the Pope is both supreme head of Christ's Church on Earth and the theoretically absolute monarch of the tiniest country in the world is admittedly a bit odd.

[@jessn.2665]

“Arachnoid cysts” are cysts that are located in the arachnoid mater surrounding the brain. There are several layers or meninges that surround the brain. The dura mater, arachnoid mater ( named arachnoid because it looks kind of web- like), and pia mater. I’ve actually seen an arachnoid cyst before in cadaver lab. They push down and deform the brain, forming a pit in it. The one I saw was about the size of a dime. There was no mention that the person had any known issues related to it, but we weren’t given much information, just a death certificate.

[@jessicacampbell3263]

My son has between 15 and 20 of the cysts, a result of citrobacter meningitis. I was told he would have severe mental and physical struggles as a result. Miraculously though, he has seemingly no adverse side effects from the absesses, much to the amazement of his doctors.

[@jessn.2665]

@@jessicacampbell3263 is he really young? Little kids brains are very resilient. I’m glad he’s doing well! I hope it stays that way for a long long time.

[@jessicacampbell3263]

@Jess N He is 10 now. He got the meningitis at 2 weeks old.

[@shannononeill482]

@@jessicacampbell3263 Littles have amazing neuroplasticity. nice to hear he doesn't have any significant lingering issues.

[@PigeonTheChaser]

My mom developed arachnoiditis after several shunt surgeries following a meningitis infection in her brain. It’s strange how something you never knew existed can suddenly become apparent and cripple a person. It’s the first time I’ve seen anyone mention the arachnoid tissue, it’s neat stuff.

[@Christa-u9c]

It’s been a while since we heard from Callum. Is he okay or has he made a prison escape and new writers have had to be locked in the basement? These new writers have been great.

[@joanderson6880]

I was thinking the same thing. Callum has to have escaped the basement right?

[@anonymousdad]

Calums dead..... jen's edited that out though and she's the actually puppetmaster...

[@Christa-u9c]

@@anonymousdad I’m thinking that Jen running things like the twist ending to the movie ‘Dead Silence’ now. 🤨

[@MariaSittreFujii]

I thought Danny was in the basement?

[@msvixen1981]

I have to admit, I like ALL of the writers. 😂 Levity w/n the darkness of man.

[@pamelamays4186]

Spies. Double agents . International intrigue. Cops. Lawyers. I was hanging on every word. The script had a film noir feel about it. Well done!🌠🌠🌠🌠🌠

[@binknbaby]

Watching other shows: Skip ahead over the ads Watching Simon: Watch the ad because his tangents are beyond entertaining

[@corey2justified1]

I think my favorite part of this episode is Simon trying to explain why you don't want anything to go wrong in your brain

[@Wolfintery]

That script intro is fantastic! Also, the music that kicks in around 3:45 always gets me in the mood for mystery

[@Petri-]

I have to say, I love Arnaldo’s synopsis at the beginning, with Simon telling the viewers not to go but stay and listen. 😂 Also the population conversion to US Measurements. Jenn never fails with the memes and gifs to accompany, the story at the perfect time. Lol. Simon side tangents. Side thought on the Swiss being guards. Maybe they are a high enough number if practicing Catholic’s and coupled with mandatory military training makes them a good candidate for being guards? Italy does not. Not to mention they’re the Swiss are located next to Italy.

[@myusernameisrighther]

So, you aren’t wrong. About 500 or so years ago, the military training and professionalism of the Swiss Guard was world famous. They were the best of the best of the best. So it sorta just became a tradition. It was commonplace at the time to hire them as bodyguards for royalty, such as in France by Louis XVI. The extra requirements like gender and height were those of the actual Swiss Guard I believe, and the only active Swiss Guard remaining today is the one assigned to the Vatican. Like the US sort of famously didn’t allow women to become SEALs for a long time. Like until last year.

[@Petri-]

@@myusernameisrighther. Wow, that’s awesome to know. Thanks for sharing because I definitely learned something new! I hope you have a good weekend/week^^

[@AlwaysAndForever7]

I love when your writers are randomly like “and this is how the story directly relates to me” - so cool!

[@bad2bone]

Chaos in the first 2 minutes- this is going to be a great show!

[@rhodrage]

Simon I'm being very pedantic here but hating someone for the country they're from, or only preferring people from a certain country isn't racism. It's Xenophobia. There's not much difference though.

[@bilindalaw-morley161]

Thank you! I wanted to comment on that but I already comment hogged so thought, “Let it Go”

[@maryscott9430]

Also.. since youve tamed down brain blaze im missing all your tangents! This episode has made me happy. Def got my tangents. Yay! Lol

[@beverlyhollenbeck3406]

Yes, I'd definitely enjoy a program on John Paul I. His death seems to have tripped off - or was the result of - an intense power struggle within the Vatican. Great job on this video, and every one I watch!

[@kendellstewart2090]

Well done Arnaldo. Although Callum is still my favourite (seems like he escaped the basement) I'm enjoying your writing style.

[@ricksullo557]

I’ve been curious too about Callum I believe he may have escaped

[@Odayian420]

No his hands had to heal. So Simon had to trap some other writers to join Callum and Danny in the basement. If he keeps it up he is going to need a bigger basement.

[@NikolasH937]

Callum has been cannibalized by the rest of the blazement. Simon really should feed them occasionally.

[@davide3275]

Callum is also my favorite. I’d buy a Callum and I, same page tshirt

[@ryanc473]

Wow, that really was quite the intro, kudos, Arnaldo. You've got me hooked

[@PeachM0de]

6:20 in and Arnoldo is telling us “the end”. 😂 I love his attitude towards it. Looking forward to the episode

[@kathrynkramer8345]

Arnoldo is a keeper of a writer! I would like to hear about the alleged poisoning of a pope (or two)

[@LeoDomitrix]

Or fifty. There's been a lot of crazy to grab power in history. Pope, king, emperor, whoever. Daaaamn!

[@DaddyWarlocks]

Keeps: "We have this ad script ready for you." Simon: "You really don't know how Cas Crim works, do you?

[@ryanc473]

In terms of the 7mm bullet wound that doesn't match a 9mm bullet, well, turns out the skin is incredibly elastic, and as such the size of a bullet wound only loosely correlates with the caliber of the round. The wound can be larger or smaller than the bullet itself due to the stretchy nature of the skin. It's the same reason why bite marks on human skin are nearly impossible to match with any degree of certainty to an individual person. For bite wound analysis, it can EXCLUDE a subject (for an easy example, say a person only has their two front teeth and their back molars. You could exclude that person if the wound clearly showed a full set of teeth, but the absence of a full imprint does not conclusively link the person to the bite wound. The person could've pulled away, for instance, leaving only the front teeth marks.) Bullet wound analysis, however, is even more difficult, and deals much more with probability rather than true deductive logic. A hole the size of a grapefruit would be highly unlikely to come from a .22, for instance, but unless you know the actual round that was fired (including the amount of powder used to propell it, and whether the round was a hollow point, etc) as well as the distance from which the gun was fired and the existence or lack thereof of previously damaged tissue in the path of the bullet, you can't really conclusively make that conclusion. Likewise, if a hole is smaller than the caliber, unless you know all the same information, it's likewise impossible to positively identify a particular bullet calliber

[@smac1706]

7mm is also a rifle round, whereas 9mm is a pistol round. Very different ballistics.💯

[@nicolasstaudt5714]

"The brain is really important in keeping all your shit together." Definitely the quote of the episode.

[@oxyuran5998]

The swiss guard is a historical relic. Back in medieval and early renaissance times the Swiss were mainly known for their mercenairies. Also they had the reputation of being some of the fiercest and most effective in battle. That's why the popes back then hired swiss mercenaries as a personal protection detail. This somehow stuck and survived the ages where nowadays being swiss is still a requirement as a nod to the olden times.

[@Dj.MODÆO]

The tradition of Swiss neutrality also ensures that the popes guards do not have a conflict of interest if the pope or Vatican back a particular side against another in a global or European conflict.

[@oxyuran5998]

@@Dj.MODÆO That however wasn't a thing originally. The Swiss neutrality in its current form was established under Napoleon. Back when the swiss were exporting mercenaries forst and foremost, much of the current swiss territory was constantly switching hands between the Habsburgs and others and war or skirmishes constantly happened on swiss ground. No neutrality back then.

[@MrJakemat]

This video is 55 mins long and you’ve typed all that 30 mins ago It says uploaded 35 mins ago for me WTF🤣

[@oxyuran5998]

@@MrJakemat yeah, I reacted to Simon questioning the story behind the swiss guard which is about 10mins in or so and i happened to catch the upload pretty early. ;)

[@loke6664]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/rGrcnHxnesZ-pqs That is "Kings and generals" 20 minutes program about the topic for anyone who is interested. They are one of the better historical KZbin channels with a bit of focus on tactics and strategy. And yeah, the Swiss guard is a fascinating story worthy a watch, I am surprised Simon haven't covered them in one of his many channels (well, he might have but both him and me have forgotten about it in that case).

[@the-chillian]

Yes, there are unforgivable sins in Catholicism. No, killing the Pope isn't one of them. And the term you were looking for around 13:30 was ex cathedra.

[@maxballantyne2628]

What are they

[@the-chillian]

@@maxballantyne2628 One would be blasphemy against the Holy Spirit (Matthew 12:31-32 etc.) In general, any mortal sin of which one has not repented before death will not be forgiven.

[@maxballantyne2628]

So let me pose this query to you, seeing as I assume you'd consider yourself somewhat of a theologian just as I do. If God sent his son to earth to die for our sins,, then isn't what Judas did directly in line with precisely what God had wanted/willed & needed to happen inorder for the sacrificial trade-off of his 'only begotten son' in exchange for our sins? Is Judas not the final necessary catalyst God used to insure that this would happen? And therefore wouldn't Judas' betrayal of Jesus be the literal work of God ? Not in a "everything is God's will" sort of way but as in his direct desired goal?

[@the-chillian]

@@maxballantyne2628 One might also note John 13:27, the most natural reading of which is a direct order from Jesus to Judas to proceed with the betrayal. So, yes.

[@RadenWA]

@@maxballantyne2628 pretty sure committing suicide is another one because idk how’d you repent when you dead The whole thing about holy spirit is because it’s sort of a “conscience” that allows you to repent. By rejecting it one would not have the conscience to repent, it’d be like one of those psychopaths who shows no sign of remorse after they kill people Judas was remorseful after he did the thing, which probably meant he could have been forgiven, but then he went and hang himself which is his own decision so idk if that’s part the plan or not

[@jessemusil2978]

I gotta say..Jenn definitely killed it will the added audio! I was cracking up over all them

[@Vee_of_the_Weald]

I had « we are family » stuck in my head for the duration of Simon’s reading. 😆

[@MushroomMayhem]

I really enjoy Arnaldo's writing style, I look forward to hearing more from him!!

[@ignitionfrn2223]

5:10 - Chapter 1 - The smallest army 10:55 - Chapter 2 - Murders in the Vatican 21:35 - Chapter 3 - Agent werder 28:55 - Chapter 4 - Case closed (?) 39:55 - Chapter 5 - The gladiator's tale 46:35 - Wrap up 48:05 - Dismembered appendices

[@mikieswart]

legend

[@bilindalaw-morley161]

Arnaldo, I expect early notification of your first suspense thriller. I don’t want to wait until it’s a best seller! AKA your writing is fabulous, it really adds to the general excellence of the production. I’m looking forward to hearing more from you. ETA… That’s my last comment, I promise!Apologies for ‘hogging’.Hopefully the algo likes it

[@arnaldoteodorani277]

Thank you for the inspiration, I may think about it now that you mention it … 😀

[@bilindalaw-morley161]

@@arnaldoteodorani277 Go for it!

[@MissBee13]

Same

[@breanaerickson7665]

Also Papal Infallibility only applies to things that are very explicitly in tradition and in the bible, so it has only been used twice referring to Mary. It can't be about just anything

[@Silensy]

Also the Latin that Simon is trying to remember is 'ex cathedra'

[@spiderlady1943]

Having studied the vagaries of the history of the Vatican - nothing would surprise me, and I mean nothing! Loved this one - thanks to the team 😉

[@rationallyruby]

I’m American and I’ve been able to track both families sides all the way back to the 1600’s in serval European countries! Super cool!

[@fonze5664]

I love how Simon goes off on tangents even in ad reads, makes them worth listening to! Come for the tangents during the main story, stay for the tangents during ad read 😄

[@alexallcaps]

I’ve decided we should keep Arnaldo- he’s fantastic

[@arnaldoteodorani277]

Thank you, I’ll stick around then! 🙂🙏🏻

[@Rmc-ss9xo]

Get in the basement

[@Buster-Sharp]

This one was almost like a cross over with Decoding the Unknown. Good stuff 👍

[@wafflelopagus]

I own an Etsy shop and listen to you when I start my work day! Love to see your videos pop up and your guys do a banging job, but the cha-Ching money sound effect is the exact same as an Etsy sale notification and I keep getting tricked whenever you use it lol 😂

[@lizc6393]

Haha, I have the same problem except mine is eBay.

[@agiraffe3673]

YES! Me too

[@elizabethford7952]

I looked at my phone thinking I had a sale.

[@oldmandoinghighkicksonlyin1368]

I feel like this is an ad for Etsy. Sponsored content is tricky.

[@carinabell2156]

Seeing Simon’s surprise at the idea that someone would poison a pope makes me really want him to cover some of the Borgias over on Biographics lol

[@Galadonin]

International law aficionado here, for the Swiss court. A state can prosecute any suspect of a crime on the land, sea air of the state or crime by a citizen or on the body of a citizen. Most countries have treaties to organize the relationship between justice systems. The only exception is for crime against humanity, war and genocide : Universal juridiction any country that signed the treaties of the 1950's can prosecute any citizen of any country for those crime

[@boogieknee3781]

Anybody can PERsecute.(harassment) Your comment will hold more weight if the state PROSecutes,instead.(legal action)

[@innawoods2131]

@@boogieknee3781 you still knew exactly what he meant, as did everybody else with a passing knowledge of language and a basic capability of understanding context clues.

[@boogieknee3781]

@@innawoods2131 Yup,that should be evident from the correction offered,o ...I found andrew kehoe documentary.(wikiVidi)I concur.🐱 I am sure that Simon could do a better version🐁He must have really hated those kids.🐁It takes a really nasty mind to make claymore explosives.

[@Galadonin]

@@boogieknee3781 ahhh yeah, sorry, I'm a french dumb baguette haha

[@partariothegoth]

"why does he have a spider cyst in his brain?" genuinely made me laugh out loud, and conjured a lovely mental image of a spider chillin' imbedded in a brain

[@valiantsfelinesmccarty6678]

The Swiss were mercenary soldiers some of the best in medieval times so the pope hired them to protect him at that time the tradition stuck and then as other countries became more violent and Switzerland especially during World War 1 stayed neutral it was deemed prudent to keep neutral guards on the payroll instead of even hiring Italian guards. This way none of the guards that work in the Vatican can be pulled by loyalty to their Homeland into leaving to go to war or bringing War to the door of the Vatican. What the Pope does in his actions such as would happen sadly in WWII where many of the priests sided with the Nazis and helped the Nazis Escape War crime trials by helping them Escape Europe showed that people will be loyal to the people of their country or their philosophies no matter what. So the Swiss guard is probably the smartest thing the pope could do since Switzerland is a neutral country and the people are raised to accept all people as citizens of the world. Although they have a very bad track record for accepting refugees during World War II part of that was because they were afraid Nazi Germany would just roll right over them there was no way they could defend themselves and of course Nazi Germany's agents worked very happily with in Switzerland borders. The blood of those who died being denied access to Crossing into Switzerland is on the hands of those who were too afraid to stand up for what their country was founded on.

[@lizc6393]

Probably by far the most rational decision the Catholic church has ever made.

[@brigidtheirish]

That's really cool. Would be cooler if you used a few more periods.

[@AngelusAnsell]

The use of Spanish soldiers as the guard is, in fact, a huge part of why the Spanish Inquisition was able to happen. The pope initially told them basically "no, you're crazy" and so they legit said "fine then we take back ALL our soldiers." As you might have guessed, that was the point at which the Pope gave in and provided infinite money, resources, and backing.

[@valiantsfelinesmccarty6678]

@@AngelusAnsell thank you for that little piece of information I always wondered why it was so horrific in Spain and why the pope has so much control in Spain he had their military. Nobody's going to listen to The Swiss Guard because well they really can't go anywhere now so important after what the pope did in World War II it appears even at the death of hundreds of his own people especially nuns and lower-level Priests I guess the Pope was so terrified that Mussolini and then Hitler would destroy the Vatican & rip all the history from its walls what price was he willing to pay.

[@brigidtheirish]

@CRAM MARC At the end of every sentence.

[@Faythe98]

Idk how you find these writers but you always find the best ones!

[@arnaldoteodorani277]

Maybe it’s the writers who find Simon.

[@jhorn64]

The problem with ancestry records leading to Germany is that huge amounts of those records were destroyed in WWll in the bombings

[@ilajoie3]

I like how Simon thinks all of the stuff is actually happening inside the Vatican proper. There's a good chance that stuff happened outside in Rome, and the weapons were just bought and shipped to Poland without touching Vatican soil

[@courtneybermack]

Or not even in Italy at all, it's an international church...

[@yoursotruly]

"The brain's really important for keeping your shit together." These are the nuggets of wisdom I come to the CC to collect and treasure, I look forward to casually dropping this nugget into a conversation about brain function, nobody will guess that I have no education in the subject. Thanks!

[@HollaNaomi]

Thank you so much to whoever took the time out to transcribe this for the captions! 🥺❤️

[@Trstevens318]

Tries to do a serious ad read, immediately starts rambling about racist organizations. Well done Simon.

[@sarahkinsey3956]

What did we expect with a bald man advertising a hair preservation company?? XD

[@marleyhill34]

Bless him.

[@ilicarriedoll2843]

I just love Arnaldo's style of writing ♡♡ More of him please ♡♡

[@Abby_Liu]

I feel like callum just died in the basement and was buried in a bathrobe and we're just supposed to not talk about him anymore.

[@kimboosan]

This is a vote for an episode about the alleged pope assassination!

[@kathryncumberland]

Stop being so modest, Simon - you know we love your rambling asides 😊

[@Yagigoat27]

One of mom's cousins did some heavy genealogical research on that side of the family. We stopped looking through his notes when we got back to the 10th century.

[@avakeahiakacreature7810]

Not even 5 minutes and about to snort my water out my nose "it's too late for me" thank you Simon for always giving me a good laugh

[@tridentuk6885]

"The brain is really important for keeping all your shit together". Thank you Dr. Simon :D

[@JohnWayneCheeseburger]

Its a symbolic role not meant for seekers of wealth but for those who want to protect the holy see like a priest its a calling not a career choice

[@Adjuni]

Could still pay them a half-decent wage for it. Calling sure, but Christ himself told people not to be stingy about money.

[@bordeauxisburning]

Honestly, I love the asides so much. Come for the facts, stay for the boi. And the writers. And Jen. 🖤

[@callysushi1043]

Yes yes yes! What better time to watch a CC vid than when I'm cooking 😝

[@gurlycirl2010]

I have to admit, I initially read the title as “The Swiss Chard Murders”. Reread the title. Still felt the need to watch the video. 😆

[@j.thehappywyvern6397]

Well clearly I am not a gun expert. If I saw a bulge coming out the back of a man’s trousers I would think oh no, he didn’t make it to the toilet in time.

[@miketobias1821]

🤣🤣🤣🤣😂

[@erraticonteuse]

I would think he was on his way to the ER about to tell a totally convincing story about accidentally sitting on a vaguely phallic household object.

[@KatieKatt18]

Cardinal Ratzinger was friends with the pastor of my church when I was a kid. Since he lived in Germany at the time and we were in the US, they would write letters to each other all the time. I remember when he was in the running to be the new pope, we pray he would be chosen in school. I was in lunch when they made the announcement. A teacher was watching the news in a classroom in the cafeteria and came running out and yelled, “He won! He won! Cardinal Ratzinger is our new pope!” We all cheered. We thought it was so cool we had this connection to THE POPE! After his birthday inauguration ceremony, the principal and priests framed and hung up the letters around the school for us to see.

[@rationallyruby]

Simon: Going for the ole skin head. And cancer!!! Simon’s Ads: we know what we paid for…

[@dankthegank4315]

Lol yo Jen GG you killed the editing like always.

[@columlennon]

Can you please do an episode on Martin Cahill aka "The General" it would cool to see you cover an Irish criminal

[@crispycasp7876]

Danny must be sh*****g his pants over this intro and wondering if his time as Basement Prince is finally drawing to a sweet yet bitter release

[@iktmamafo2133]

Is there a Biographics about Slobodan Milošević? If not, we need one because I remember hearing about the conflict and his war crimes as a teen (showing my age here), but i don't know anything about the man besides that.

[@ashleyrunion8530]

27:07 "God I'm going to hell." Hey! Me too! Let's meet up and get coffee together while we're there. 🤣

[@SamOfChristendom]

"You don't have to be a racist like me, you can keep your hair with Keeps." - Simon Whistler

[@SamOfChristendom]

@@PADOYLE okay then?

[@leeprice2653]

Every time I see a new episode up I get HYPE! Keep it up Simon 💯

[@MinistryOfMagic_DoM]

I really like when Arnaldo writes for you. He does the best stories.

[@yiannapavlochristou6855]

19:19 Mauritius is a very small island located in the Indian Ocean and indeed is a tourist destination. Beautiful Island with amazing and diverse cultures ( and food)

[@themightymoose5047]

Yes we want more casual criminalist about the Vatican and all that crazy stuff... Just don't end up on an episode yourself ;)

[@hana_maru22]

“…cause your brains real important for keeping all your shit together” 🤣 understatement of the year and love it 🥰

[@Gkotzegien7]

Simon, the "fact boi of the people" learned distance units by measuring his garden in acres. Of course. You Legend.

[@taniamatthewson1195]

Loved this episode! Thank you to the Casual Criminalist team for your always on point work 👌🏻 As a Geneva inhabitant, I am just curious as to the choice of the second picture, with the road works, as nothing of interest is there 😂

[@canaan5337]

Simons best Keeps add ever "Don't be a full skinhead like me, that sounds racist, you could get canceled."

[@St.Linguini_of_Pesto]

Those Swiss Guard uniforms are murdering _me..._ I just _CANNOT_ stop laughing. Ow, I think I heard 4 of my ribs crack.. probably because _I rolled off my bed_ laughing. Are criminals supposed to be afraid of them!?!? Because those uniforms won't help.

[@Solonneysa]

Oh I suppose it's too late, but: HEY I loved the new writer's script, too! Appreciate all the work everyone does. Glad to have Arnaldo here to entertain us.

[@commodorezelda]

Plot twist: what if Simon is the one kept in the basement and he's forced to read scripts so all these writers can get the sponsor money?

[@stevem.o.1185]

12:48 the only unforgivable sin is "blasphemy against the holy spirit.". But good luck figuring out what that means, everybody seems to have a different definition. So sure, let's say it's killing the pope.

[@lizc6393]

Lol. I was under the impression that said blasphemy was apostasizing?

[@sivonni]

I thought suicide was the only unforgivable sin because you can never ask for forgiveness. Cause you're dead. (In Catholicism. Suicide isn't called that in the Bible.)

[@tubensalat1453]

@@sivonni "Cause you're dead." Just the body? Doesn't your spirit have an interview after you died to determine where your soul goes?

[@sivonni]

@@tubensalat1453 in most Christian faiths, it's "once saved, always saved" meaning, if you truly repented and accepted Jesus, all your sins are forgiven, even ones you haven't committed yet. The interview you mentioned is more of a judgement and, while extremely impactful on your eternal life, won't cost you heaven. The only thing to get you ejected is rejecting Jesus. But Catholicism is a whole other ball of wax that doesn't necessarily follow scripture in the Bible and can be very different than any other Christianity based religion.

[@tubensalat1453]

@@sivonni Thanks. I don't really understand how the judgement is impactful but won't cost me heaven. I guess I know just too little about Christian concepts of the afterlife...

[@ronwilkins4632]

Best ad read ever! I rewound and listened twice. Keeps should be proud

[@samuelbarber6177]

Sounds like a forgotten Agatha Christie book

[@rosalindmatteson3697]

Your asides are one of the best part.

[@jacintaphillips1983]

I loved listening to ur sponsor cold read … at least I would not forget what u were selling as it’s memorable 😜

[@slayingroosters4355]

Yeah he was selling something to do with anti fascism or anti cancer drugs was it something like that anyway...

[@luvondarox]

Simon getting distracted never ceases to amuse me. I love the tangents and I'm glad I'm not the only one who leaps brain trains from time to time.

[@tridentuk6885]

"The brain is really important for keeping all your sh1t together". Thank you Dr. Simon :D

[@danij5055]

Keeps - the true legends for allowing Simon to keep that ad read 👍

[@mammamiia08]

Skinheads and cancer, excellent ad Simon 👍

[@jrmckim]

Skinheads are cancer... ftfy 😂😂😂

[@renessanssimies384]

I have no hair. People think why. They have just two theories.

[@daftirishmarej1827]

Wonderful work all round by everyone 💯👏👏

[@ChopBassMan]

Don't worry about your inability to remember things Simon, it's just a normal result of parenthood. You will continue to have increases in your memory problems until you become a slobbering, quick blinking mess of confusion - about the time your kids reach their teenage years. By that time your brain will have become so scrambled that even if you are able to occasionally complete a sentence, it will be comprised of random snippets of actual memories in combination with fantasy/dreams from your subconscious. Not to worry, this is all part of your brain trying to protect itself from the sleepless, neutotic insanity that your life had become over the preceeding decade or so

[@MA-lc9ul]

Plot twist: Simon is the one in the basement and callum is forcing him to say it's the other way around 😂😂

[@Aarkwrite]

Simon: “Please don’t leave meeee” Us: Don’t worry Simon we won’t 🫂

[@paul20363]

If only Jen added the "learning stuff with fact boy" meme when Simon mentioned how important the brain is LOL

[@junestewart5098]

Yes please Arnaldo, more on this 😊

[@annemusekamp336]

Fun Fact! I literally just watched Angels and Demons, and now this! Keep up the great work

[@oliverkarehag9883]

I’d love a John Paul I episode. I’m really intrigued by papal history.

[@andreagriffiths3512]

Fact Boi: “the brain is really important for keeping your shit together!” Me: ah…yeah…that nailed it.

[@MadameintheClouds]

wonderful episode as always! PD.: Mauritius is a beautiful island with paradisiacal beaches east of Madagascar

[@amazinggrace5692]

Me too thanks to a family Bible and the rigorous record keeping of my German ancestors. 💕🐝💕🇺🇸