The Acolyte Episode 2 - A Show Made By Idiots

[@andrewpolito9244]

The token white guy looked into the future and saw the rest of the script. Then drank the poison to escape this universe as fast as possible.

[@eggnog52]

🤣🤣🤣

[@Sm1ret]

Rofl😂😂😂😂

[@richmarkham1]

😂😆😂😆😂

[@pedrovargas2181]

good point lol

[@jared3747]

The acolyte writers are like you can continue on for the rest of the series full fledged character jedi knight bubble boy! Hes like "The poison. NOW."

[@Rembreiker_lychec9257]

1: "Attack me with all of your strength." 2: "No, I don't think I will." 1: "Why not?" 2: "The way you asked was cringe."

[@beowulfsrevenge4369]

"Come at me bro!"

[@randylahey8207]

So ick... Completely killed my rage...

[@PrakashSaturday-nr7by]

Indeed, that was cringe

[@dmitrychernivetsky5876]

Reminds me of the Christopher Walken part in Seven Psychopats. "Hands up!" "No" "But i have a gun!"

[@eggnog52]

"Skibidi me with all your rizz"

[@TheJeroenbrouwer]

Whats with the Fat Jedi btw? Isn't temptation a bad thing? How are you supposed to resist the dark side if you can't even resist cake?

[@johnnytopgun6414]

😂😅😅

[@12SickOne34]

It's genetics, duh 🤣🤡

[@miguelpablo7278]

hahahahaha

[@anonony9081]

Next We'll get an obese person as a concentration camp survivor

[@giantotter319]

The worst thing is, you can still look great even with some weight on, most people in pro sumo are overweight while looking and fighting like peak athletes. But this guy just looks wide and the costume doesn't help, since it's obvious the message is "sure, honey, you can be a jedi even when fat".

[@floridamankyle5461]

Token White Guy is my favorite character, if I woke up out of a 10 year meditation and found out I was in this show, I would have drank the poison too.

[@BiggieTrismegistus]

I also like the message that entire sequences gives. The black woman can't harm or do anything to him in his bubble of privilege. The only reason she wins is because he gives up. The moral: black women can't ever actually defeat the white male patriarchy unless it agrees to kill itself. Empowering!

[@robqwert2696]

he decided to end it due to his "white guilt" LOL

[@Mudcrab-r4g]

Best comment ever

[@SheldonAdama17]

Dear Acolyte writers, that South Park episode was a parody, not an instruction manual. Try again

[@kinglyone7172]

Seems more prophetic than a manual.

[@rogueofennui]

I beg, please don’t encourage these people to keep trying. Far better we cut our loses and they lose their jobs.

[@jayroo10]

They think satire is supposed to be real life. When they watched Dumb and Dumber they thought it was a drama.

[@TomCat-zo5ig]

Please don't try again

[@aisac21]

no, don t try again!

[@jddenton8611]

The acolyte has a budget of $180M. The budget for the original trilogy, adjusted for inflation for 1983-2024 is around $193M in TOTAL. Let that sink in for a second.

[@illarionbykov7401]

The original Star Wars got a writing budget in 1973 and a filming budget in 1975, so I think the total cost might be higher when adjusted for inflation from the 1970's instead of 1983. You main point is still 100% valid--the Acolyte was a huge waste of money, and Lucas was brilliant at creating best-in-their-genre box office blockbusters on a modest budget in his first decade as a filmmaker. The first 2 films were the most profitable (ROI) and widely regarded as the best, and their total budgets combined and adjusted for inflation were lower than the Acolyte's budget.

[@dashcammer4322]

@@illarionbykov7401 He did say it was inflation adjusted.

[@NashmanNash]

@@dashcammer4322 Yeah,the total cost. He most likely did not adjust for increased cost,salary demands in general etc. outside of inflation

[@davidduffy9806]

We’re in the time of dis-function

[@flangmasterj]

Fuck.

[@BTakes138]

I like how the Jedi guy meditated for 10 years and the conclusion he reached was "I should probably just kill myself".

[@hendrikkiefer3325]

He got cyberbullied by redditors in his meditations for having such a ye ye-ass haircut, so he just decided his time had come

[@TheNewOriginals450]

The makers of the show probably wish all men would do that.

[@NashonHanselman]

he wasn't GAY enough to survive the show.....had it been a female FLOATER, who was also a lezbo, then of course she would be too important...

[@Adam-Adam.]

He did the same thing in game of thrones, he is the king who jumps out the window

[@scotthermmann4]

@@Adam-Adam.that was him??? Crazy he was so young in GOT

[@NoOne-fe3gc]

The more time passes, the more I am convinced that George Lucas selling SW to Disney was revenge on the fans that shat on the prequels: "Oh yeah you think the prequels are shit? I will show you real shit! Hey, Disney, wanna buy SWs??"

[@DavidT-y6m]

Lol

[@tvctaswegia497]

"On October 30, 2012, Disney acquired Lucasfilm for $4.05 billion in the form of cash and in stock." he's laughing aaallll the way to the bank and his multiple waterfront mansions in tax-friendly nations. "Suckers!" - Lucas, probably. Meanwhile, Disney poured money into a dumpster and set it on fire. Then pushed the burning dumpster into a sinkhole and threw more money after it to try and fill it in.

[@Wraithspartan]

Admittedly, the plausibility of this idea increases with each episode.

[@MichaelStark-j8e]

Well no one likes George anymore. He stole a an old Japanese movie from the 50s and called it star wars. Star wars was his wife in the sense and let everyone have at her so yeah he sucks

[@andromega8627]

The only white male Jedi in the show kills himself because of his guilt... what a unique and powerful message.

[@sjustus7]

No doubt it was white guilt over being an oppressor, colonizer, etc.

[@gabbyfromfacebook]

The 10 years of contemplation showed him.. this was the best way out. #deep

[@peterkennedy3755]

Pray to whatever gods survived the millennium that all this twisting of the truth has not damaged its basic load bearing pylons. Stunning and brave misanthropy.

[@alexp601]

Don't forget they killed the only white female Jedi in the first scene

[@Mistral434]

Europa: The Last Battle If you can find it, give it a watch

[@Based_n_Boredpilled]

For idiots, by idiots. A Star Wars Story.

[@Allmightyimortal]

No, a Star Hers story.

[@erey214]

Sold

[@ABQSentinel]

I hope these activists that have ruined Star Wars get what's coming to them... in spades.

[@lefthand4943]

Not even for them, like do you think they would see this they would go to see a good movie and look into how they can repair it (kill it).

[@IAMBENNYBLANCO.]

​@@Allmightyimortal Star Hers 😂😂😂😂

[@captbuckyohare5585]

Mark Hamill told a story about how he panicked after the heroes escaped the garbage unit and he was standing in the next scene bone dry including his hair. He thought it would look amateurish and the audience would notice the continuity problem and get taken outta the movie. Harrison Ford shakes his head with a smile and says, "It's not that kinda movie, kid. They ain't gonna be noticin' your hair. If they're so bored that they're noticing your hair, we're in DEEP trouble." We're noticing the hair, Disney. The hair, the fire, and Kit Fatso.

[@gatchywatchyentertainmentb2090]

Well said

[@Gutsyredcoat]

I have seen that movie so many times over the last 30 years and I've never noticed till now you brought it up

[@XenoSpyro]

Just turn your brain off and pretend it's what you wanted.

[@stryfer1989]

Words from people who knew how to tell a good story. (Surprisingly that hour and a half still had less consistency issues than these 40 minutes!)

[@johnepants]

I just want to hear Harrison Ford stories from his prime.

[@SH-fm5eu]

You know you've made it when people look forward to your reviews more than the show itself!

[@cherylritchko7299]

Literally I only watch his reviews at this point and just skip even h8 / cringe watching the show

[@LivingFire_BurningFlame]

Can’t believe we’ve seen a Jedi with a higher cholesterol than midiclorians, mr Obi Wants Wegovy, Qui Gon Chins, Soda, Kit Fatso. Surely using the force burns calories…

[@thegreatid3595]

Imagine that Jedi trying to hold onto the Wire during the battle of Mustafar.

[@obesebird]

He has an attachment to food

[@Shiirow]

all his Midichlorians were choked out by the cholesterol that he couldnt force lift a cheeseburger.

[@randomps5guy315]

Stolen comment

[@richardwilson230]

Jediabetes

[@elmachinaz]

2023 - "why are all the 'writers' worried about AI taking their jobs?" 2024 - watching the Acolyte - "oh"

[@q335r49]

I hereby do my due diligence and provide engagement for this amazing buried comment that trashes both AI and scriptwriters

[@Glubtubis_Wepal69]

Gemini would do better

[@wihukeon]

Better hurry that AI up so we don't get more of this crap and fire all these people.

[@notmo.]

The script was probably written by AI already.

[@crispinjr.dulatre1866]

the 1st ep doesnt make sense now the 2 ep is even stranger. well now i think ill lay off the acolyte, its more confusing than wierd al Yankovic's songs

[@tacitus6384]

"Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plumpious the Large? I thought not. It's not a story the Nutritionists would tell you. It's a Sith legend. Darth Plumpious was a Dark Lord of the Sith, so bloated and vast he could influence the scale to shift... and gain weight at will. He had such a knowledge of the caloric intake that he could even keep the pounds from shedding. He became so rotund... the only thing he was afraid of was losing his girth, which eventually, of course, he did. Unfortunately, he taught his apprentice everything he knew, then his apprentice liposuctioned him in his sleep. Ironic. He could save others from slimming down, but not himself."

[@fancylong]

He was obsessed with attaining geometric perfection.

[@dgiggles12]

This store was more interesting then the acolyte

[@tylerbaldwin2029]

Well Played Sir...Well Played!

[@GigglingStoners]

omfg XD

[@Rickmagnus911]

You deserve all the internet points good sir.

[@SomeDudesPlay]

My new favorite quote; "It's not just 'ham-fisted'; it's sausage fingered and bacon wristed."

[@justforever96]

That's not just funny it's poetic. The meter and rhyme is even spot on.

[@longwalker1]

"It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying NOTHING." -Macbeth

[@nhmooytis7058]

Ack don’t say that name say THE SCOTTISH PLAY 😂

[@MSmith-ib1du]

I thought the bard was referring to Michael Bay. This shit is not loud enough.

[@kikioliveer]

​@@nhmooytis7058AARGH Hot potato, orchestra stalls, Puck will make amends

[@Marjax]

​@@kikioliveer ah, so not.... Macbeth

[@ragtowne]

it’s an insult to idiots everywhere to claim that this tale was told by one

[@wanderingsurf2842]

Remember when Jar Jar was the low point in Star Wars? I yearn for those simpler days.

[@All2Meme]

I'm sure Jar Jar was facepalming when he saw this going on.

[@SunchaserKandri]

I'd genuinely take Jar Jar back in a heartbeat if it meant taking Star Wars away from all the hack writers and political activists we've had since Disney took over.

[@mntccd]

The Phantom Menace holds up incredibly well compared to the utter swill from D+.

[@aerondight3029]

Jar Jar was no worse than C3P0 or the Carebear-Ewoks or literal muppet Yoda, it was only pathetic blowhards that cried endlessly for no reason other than they were spoiled crybaby manchildren and ruined it all. They are at least partially responsible for all this

[@hymlock1494]

I actually respect Jar Jar now that we know he was actually a Sith Lord!

[@Moonlight.Howlings.666]

I just find it insane that Disney has an employee outright saying they're using a franchise to be discriminating toward a group of people and everyone just laughed. How is there such a disconnect for just bold straight faced racism.

[@Сайтамен]

The door only swings one way.

[@JCWinters-bu8de]

Companies like BLACK ROCK and Vanguard are actually funding and compensating for this $HITE to increase their pockets and buy all homes in the country to jack up the prices. They want to own and control everything.

[@pistolbobcat420]

The fact they deem it okay to be racist against white dudes is outright disgusting. If they made the same comments about Any other group, they'd never work in the industry ever again and be chased away to Spain like Amber

[@Jadty]

It’s OK when THEY do it.

[@Steno316]

And yet, look what they did to Gina - and are fighting her in court. I’m very selective about how I choose to give money to Disney from now on.

[@plasticbazooka]

A mystical order of virgin space wizards who, since childhood, have undergone rigorous and demanding physical training, with a strong emphasis on self denial and mastery over temptations. "Nah, lets make one of them a fatty."

[@piercebottomtext4827]

Stunning and brave!!!!

[@ReadingAdam]

@@piercebottomtext4827 So disrupting!

[@dr.bright6272]

He couldn't resist temptation...it was an all you could eat buffet

[@SomepeoplecallmePaul]

"You just admitted to assisting in the murder poisoning of a Jedi master 5 minutes ago,.... I'll let you off with a warning." Stellar writing.

[@Admiral-General_Aladeen]

Why didn't she just shoot him? Did i miss something?

[@Lttlemoi]

Basically how current western countries' judicial systems operate.

[@eszterfodor1136]

But the Jedi master killed himself!

[@TheBerchie]

Luke: "Hey, can you drink this?" Palpatine: "Sure thing." *Takes a drink* "What is it?" Luke: "Poison."

[@UnitSe7en]

But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you; Are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given.

[@matthewfors114]

@@knowsomething9384 something something something with a Sicilian when death is on the line

[@TD-zs2nc]

And then somehow... Palpatine returned.

[@deathtakes]

​@@TD-zs2nc😂

[@RealNTAF]

This whole sub thread had better writing than the Acolyte

[@timhartherz5652]

Token white guy did the only thing reasonable, took the first painless exit path out of this show.

[@peteynutt4104]

It's what they want to do to you

[@tobybigham4196]

Agreed. I get a trip out of people defending this show. But I was ready for this dumpster fire, because Asoka had set my expectations. If this force is female, then the destruction of this franchise s coming sooner than expected.

[@gags730]

Hysterical... haha!

[@supertrendymoneymaker0722]

😂 after he took a force dump.

[@fighter835]

He made the right choice.

[@carlkinder8201]

There will never be a worse Star Wars than the Star Wars Christmas Special. Kathleen Kennedy: "Hold my Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Light Ice".

[@ndechindech290]

🤣😅 hold my what?

[@JasonweedQ3]

😂

[@crazyVrex]

you mean the holiday special

[@garrettsattem4799]

Oh, haven’t you heard? This show actually IS receiving worse ratings than the Holiday Special. Look it up.

[@thanatosgarvey3701]

I watched the Christmas special on mushrooms and understood every word those wookies said. Caravan of Courage is the best SW film ever, btw.

[@russwilliams4777]

Ironically, the Bee Gee Jedi Master was not interested in _Stayin' Alive_

[@gags730]

I was just thinking aren't we overdue for an actual Ezra Miller event?

[@makeyourmark00]

I thought he was meditating on his lucky charms?

[@Duncansigurdsson]

Audible laugh created, well done.

[@floriangeyer1]

Nice one 😅

[@robbieg4700]

🤣🤣

[@PlayerOne.StartGame]

"I think the CW would have done that better". That's probably the most brutal take I have heard so far.

[@iegendkilla8559]

What’s the time stamp on that?

[@Askani-son]

The CW destroyed their excellent programming for wanton wokecuckery. 'Supernatural' cast and crew publicly stated that they were ending the show after 16 seasons to prevent it being further ruined and becoming unwatchable, despite great ratings.

[@TheRandompaint]

I'm miss the golden age of CW. Arrow was deep in and amazing and the flash was just starting.

[@ninjaartist1235]

Ouch

[@lordmcsmith]

This comment is arguably more relevant to the Jeremy Jahns review you appear to have copied it from.

[@doberski6855]

The saddest part of the Acolyte, is the fact that the staff in the writer's room learned how to stop eating the crayons provided and started to write with them.

[@jamesmetcalf5597]

I'm convinced they still eat the crayons and the scripts for these shows are somehow done by smearing paint onto paper with their hands.

[@racingraptor4758]

​@@jamesmetcalf5597its google ,,AI" writting it whille the crew chockes on another bach of crayons

[@doberski6855]

@@jamesmetcalf5597 😂Well we hope it was paint they were using!💩😱

[@maniacaldude]

I bet they weren't even using their hands to write with, I bet they tried writing with their buttcheeks.

[@sarunotaslt]

They just found their favorite flavor and though that writing with less tasty crayons was a good way to get rid of them

[@tomlangan-n2w]

I love how he won’t even dignify using the character’s actual names

[@TheSliferSlacker199]

They’re not characters they’re just generic stand ins for woke ideology

[@dr.bright6272]

They have names?

[@calebharch7229]

"Attack me with all your strength" has to be one of the cringiest lines ever written.

[@WoopSlap_]

"I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything is soft and smooth." "Believe me, I wish that I could just, wish away my feelings" "From my point of view the Jedi are evil."

[@astrahcat1212]

@@WoopSlap_ Tip, if you watch the Prequels in Japanese they're way way better. Plot still has problems, but the dialogue and acting is way better.

[@RealNTAF]

​@WoopSlap_ those lines arent that bad. I'd say the "no its because I'm so in love with you" scene is cringe.

[@astrahcat1212]

@@RealNTAF I don't know, the I dont like sand part is pretty cringe

[@beaurunn1]

Who does she think she is? Goku?

[@solidfrog]

That's crazy how a galaxy far far away is starting to have identity politics of an earth really really close.

[@mntbighker]

"Starting?" 🤣😭

[@robertanderson4921]

How do you reason that? You didn't watch it. Star Wars has literally never addressed different human races. It's pretty clear that in-canon, humans are not considered to be different races. A human is a human. How is it identity politics to just have Black people in a show, if it never comments on their blackness?

[@talesyuki]

@@robertanderson4921 I appreciate your optimism. These people decided the show sucked and was woke years ago, they'll just repeat weird empty sentences that they believe have real meaning to keep criticizing, most of them probably not even watching a single episode. You're trying to reason with a wall.

[@Arcexey]

@solidfrog A+ comment

[@Arcexey]

@@robertanderson4921 Identity politics includes forced diversity and inclusion. These people have no charm or acting ability, they are there because they're black/asian/female etc. They are there based on the color of their skin, not character. Having a jedi training room filled with all women/colored people is pushing identity politics into the show. Because of what the showrunner has said many times, I believe that the show is commenting on her blackness, actually: she's constantly accused of things she didn't do, aka something black people face in america. the white man kills himself out of guilt, etcetc.

[@Mr.McWatson]

The Acolyte is beginning to make me think that Star Wars is a massive money laundering ring. This shit is on par with Steven Segal.

[@myNameWasNobody75]

Let's not insult Steven Seagal.

[@realtsavo]

@@myNameWasNobody75 Why not? The guy's a f*cking moron.

[@gahan101]

@@myNameWasNobody75 For at least one reason: cos he will come for you !

[@MG007.]

Don't insult the Seagal. At least he is still alive. Star Wars died in 2012. And Disney has continued to bugger its corpse since😩🤦‍♂️😩

[@realtsavo]

@@MG007. Naw, he's a fake and a total moron. He's also a Putin fan as well.

[@ryanl2654]

"Attack me with all of your strength" "Fine. The gender pay gap isn't real"

[@dr.bright6272]

Proceeds to get wrecked by an OG Star Wars Jedi

[@Youre-Welcome]

Facts.

[@amharbingerreactions]

Skilled assassins often wear the same outfit everywhere and never change how they look despite being actively hunted

[@laughingotter1125]

Must get hard to sneak up on people when they can smell you coming.

[@petejohnes8442]

Skilled assassins (in fictional story) you mean.

[@TheGoblin1975]

The assassin looks like the free palestine protestors at ucla

[@tburgess3426]

I mean have you seen the new assasins creed? These writers don't seem to be the brightest.

[@newspaperbin6763]

me in hitman missions trying to get the "no changed disguises" achievement

[@ezzahhh]

"My body fat percentage has doubled since the last time we met, Count"

[@don.keebles]

"Double the fatness, twice the diabetes!"

[@terrylandess6072]

'Killing him was wrong' - "He was too thin to live".

[@Sliider36]

after all, the fatter you are, the more midiclorians you have.

[@don.keebles]

"Order 66 big macs." "Anything to drink?" "Dew it..."

[@chrisc7265]

@@don.keebles "Half diet coke, half regular coke, right sir?" _"Full .... regular .... coke ..."_

[@kingDowahs]

Kathleen Kennedy really looked at the Game of Thrones finale and said: “Yeah let’s do that!”

[@badnoodlez]

put a chick in it and make her gay

[@bsmithhammer]

"...but let's make it even more cringe!" "Well done, Kathleen - here's another bonus and a promotion."

[@SherLock55]

The Acolyte makes the GOT finale look like an absolute masterpiece, and that's saying something because GOT finale was terrible.

[@OneRedKraken]

@@bsmithhammer More cringe and give it the budget of an 80s B movie. Not adjusted for inflation.

[@filipaantoniabaratadearauj1749]

If you didn't know what Daenerys was, you can't call anyone idiot.

[@knighthawk882]

"the only thing beefed up around here is this body positive individual" LOL 🤣

[@coastlinekid]

That floating guy actually looks like a puppet from team America lol

[@captaintoyota3171]

YES i knew i recognized him

[@yseson_]

😂

[@TopHatGent]

" AMERICA, F YEAH! "

[@pederhalvorsen2289]

It's actually Dean-Charles Chapman, better known as Tommen Baratheon from the later seasons (4-6, I want to say?) of Game of Thrones.

[@daogenify]

Yeah when Gary Johnston is undercover as a terrorist

[@cmedtheuniverseofcmed8775]

Fans: "Why did you poorly write this Star Wars show?" Actors and Writers: "What's Star Wars?" Writer: "Oh wait, isn't that the movie where it's Harrison Ford and his dog?" Actor: "Nah, it's the movie where Anakin blew up the Death Star!" Headland: "No, it's the show about gay droids!" Disney: "Don't worry, bigots! We got the best team to make future Star Wars content! Here's another 180 million for Season 2!"

[@nicoledreamcr4666]

Underrated 😂

[@CupofJoe4]

Wait who said Anakin blew up the Death Star? 💀

[@BertoxolusThePuzzled]

The actor for the token bumbling male Jedi of course...

[@aligborat]

I'm sure if there is a second season, they will get more money than season one.

[@BadgerOff32]

@@CupofJoe4 One of the actors literally said it during an interview lol

[@opasarcade7798]

Ahhhh remember when we as fans complained about Ewoks, the special editions, The Holiday Special, Jar Jar Binks, and sand....man, we had no idea how good we had it 🤦🤣

[@daimonien]

True. True...

[@tankerd1847]

The prequel trilogy has been completely redeemed, I'll give them credit for that at least.

[@secondghost]

Pepperidge Farm Remembers

[@_viper2c_562]

The Holiday Special was more entertaining than this shyte.

[@biggtothec84]

​@tankerd1847 you're insane. The prequels are still 85 percent hot garbage.

[@miscellaneousstuff1155]

Discount Ezra Miller. Nearly pissed myself 😂😂😂

[@AnonymousJ0E404]

I can picture the article now: a white male in fancy robes effortlessly levitates in the air, unaware and unconcerned by his surroundings, while the disgruntled, diverse, female tries to get to him but is blocked by an invisible force field of privilege.

[@GeekazonMerchHub]

White man literally living in his own bubble of privilege 😭

[@montarakid1943]

Yeah, that pretty much nailed it.

[@1_underthesun]

"A privileged white male so protected by his skin color and patriarchal nature that the most intense struggling of a female minority not only doesn't impact him, but it even keeps him from knowing that she's struggling so hard in the first place. Such is the life enjoyed by all straight white men"

[@xaviertobias7942]

Don't forget him killing himself because of white guilt.

[@L0-R3Z]

The Star Wars version of the "glass ceiling."

[@bhg70]

"It's not just ham-fisted, it's sausage fingered and bacon wristed." Fantastic line.

[@TastyScotch]

Ha! I was about to make this very comment 😂

[@barreloffun10]

Make me chuckle with all of your humor!

[@Lawrence_Talbot]

I laughed so hard my cholesterol did a summersault

[@BrandonScott-mi5pz]

EXCELLENT WORK. THE CRITICAL DRINKER THE ACOLYTE EPISODE TWO REVIEW 😊😊❤😠😠😡😠

[@Chaos_God_of_Fate]

I was looking for this comment, I didn't want to make the same one. Drinker is an example of a good writer :D

[@douglasauclair3860]

Critical Drinker: "Can storytelling get any worse than Rebel Moon?" The Acolyte: "Here. Hold my beer."

[@Sig509]

hold my soy latte rather

[@terrylandess6072]

I refuse to be indoctrinated to enjoy bad tv and film.

[@michellestr8998]

@@WyldStallion-bs9oo Maybe you should. They have fairly ugly messaging in there... but to be fair it probably goes right over a 13 yr olds head. Bad Batch and tales of the Empire are pretty open about the man hate.

[@hewhositsuponfroggychair5722]

"Is it possible to learn this power?" "Not from a nutrition coach."

[@lukelowe918]

Her attack on the "Force" field is comedy gold. It looks like something you would see from a high school play.

[@Hlbkomer]

The spinning elbow did it for me.

[@bsmithhammer]

This IS a high school play.

[@hectoraccented5312]

@@bsmithhammer with a budget of a million dollars per minute, somehow

[@AmericanDuck]

They know nothing about fighting mechanics. You don’t aim for the force field two feet in front. You go directly through the body. Any real attempt would have her bouncing off from her shoulder or hand. You’d do two attempts and then start probing for a weakness. Such trash.

[@EvilDoresh]

@@Hlbkomer I'm sure that one _almost_ did the trick

[@shawnkeys4712]

It's hilarious how these twins who've not seen each other for years magically have the same intricately styled hairstyle 🤣😂

[@AkariSarzul]

It was the hair style from their childhood. Did you not watch the show at all?

[@Lurkai]

More than that, both of them have taken very good care of their skin in the same manner No scarring or even slight weight-gain/loss for either sister!

[@MagnanimouseDX]

@@AkariSarzul oh yeah super normal thing to do to keep your EXACT hairstyle from when you were 5

[@rickosborne6521]

I mean, doesn't your hair look exactly the same today as it did when you were a child? Mine of course doesn't because I'm 43 and therefore balding... but it's not like women EVER change their hairstyle in any way, right? lol

[@happyzahn8031]

@@AkariSarzul They have the same hairstyle they did as children? That is pretty far fetched especially seeing as how they would have to do their hair now but their mother must have done it for them when they were a kid.

[@wonderpookie]

"It's a textbook example of people hired for their identity rather than their talent". Well said brother. Subbed!

[@ProdAlarick]

They so laud about their message but they are all silent about how many Willies they had to milk to get here.

[@matalostodos]

And at what age they had to begin milking them too, rainbow’s dirty secret is that they get to them all as early as possible

[@davidkeulen7006]

"The only thing I'd trust this guy to defend me from is an all you can eat buffet" LMAAOOOOOOOOOO

[@gunnerycaptain6158]

The reveal in Ep.3 is that these Jedi Masters apparently responsible for the death of May's "family," however May started the fire that actually killed everyone, sooooo................... This just goes to show the moral bankruptcy of the writers and show runners, May started the fire, but it's not her fault, nothing's here fault, it's somebody else's fault and somebody else has to pay, that's Modern Morality & Thinking for you...........

[@EvilDoresh]

I hope there's a Jedi version of _We Didn't Start the Fire_

[@juanjoseleonvarea2495]

Classic narcissistic abuser mentality, they are never guilty of anything, not even their bad decisions.

[@WillyoDee]

I thought Rian started the fire?

[@Draugo]

The default woke mindset. Like the ending of Homeworld 3. A space queen responsible for killing probably billions of people was just misunderstood and needed a friend...

[@first-last311]

"Thinking"

[@sethharrrison]

"Made by idiots, intended for morons". That's a pretty good quote!

[@acetheprincep3658]

At this point criticals reviews of star wars shows probably have higher views than the actual star wars shows themselves lol

[@lunarvision]

He’s not far off!

[@tadasdovii8262]

Remove "probably".

[@DavidRivera-p1h]

Realest ratio

[@bjrnthebootybandit]

Hes exaggerating a bit

[@juliomontega2868]

I have come to the conclusion, that these reviews are the only art left in the modern disney escapades.

[@Darkington]

The guy who played Levitating Jedi is the same guy who played Tommen Baratheon. He's one role away from a pattern of being the guy who commits sewer-slide out of guilt.

[@Jackasaurus]

It's okay chief, you can say suicide

[@RMV1560]

Dude, I am more invested in his reviews of the show than the show itself

[@acevaptsarov8410]

silver linings dude :D

[@craigbrison4241]

To be fair his reviews actually have a point...

[@Wanderer25]

I'm not watching that shite show. Much rather check out the hilarious commentary.

[@lockyp204]

The only star wars I watch now are reviews from Drinker, Reaper, and Hate watchers

[@leomasters9510]

His is a better writer than the ones Disney's been paying the last decade or two.

[@xanderpiz8770]

"Attack me, with all of your strength." "Miss, this is a Wendy's."

[@makeitsonumberone1358]

This made me laugth more than it should have 🤣

[@renaissancenovice7202]

"... Not a Waffle House."

[@kevins5498]

They forgot the BBQ sauce for her chicken tenders

[@danjones2680]

Outstanding!

[@SkullLeader]

Wheeeeere's the Beef !!!

[@fizban974]

You guys don’t get it: Disney is pursuing a smart strategy to fight piracy by producing shows so horrible that are not worth to be illegally shared.

[@baddadjokes9330]

Well. It’s working.

[@jimruby9657]

I torrented the first episode. It was so bad I turned in the guy who uploaded it.

[@MrPeachblossom]

who would waste there time watching it,

[@commonwealthcommunitywatch6036]

genius! lol

[@danielsweeney8164]

underrated post

[@bast4rdlyreaper]

5:20 He could deal with "Pizza the Hut" pretty handily though, i bet.

[@dr.bright6272]

He ate Pizza the Hut

[@seekingpurpose]

“Luke, did I ever tell you about the Acolyte?” “No” “Okay, let’s leave it there then..”

[@СергейМалышев-ю8щ]

Suddenly, horrible Watto's stories from Vinesauce sound better than anything these scriptwriters can come up with. Watto's nonsense was at least engaging in morbid ways.

[@km077]

"but what abou..." "NO"

[@Outis402]

That "attack me" non-sense pisses me off so much.

[@Daniel-hm8xq]

It's easily the most cringe part of the show

[@bsmithhammer]

I don't know how they filmed those "attack me" scenes with a straight face.

[@tyreni]

"Arrest me den!" Watch a few random police arrest videos and all of bead-girl's mannerisms make sense.

[@Macheako]

It physically hurts….

[@jdpolo8679]

Sounds like a bad anime line.

[@Jorhan]

"You were the chosen one! It was said that you would destroy the Sith, not eat them. You were to bring balance to the Force, not weigh it down"

[@cjcrrazy]

He naturally breathes like Darth Vader every time he rushes across the room to get the last jam donut.

[@RealTurbidHere]

yeah critical drinker is toxic

[@Veren999]

@@RealTurbidHere Don't think you got the joke there buddy.

[@TROLGUY999]

@@RealTurbidHere /woooosh also womp womp cry about softie

[@StoolieP]

I remember a week ago when I thought, “this is as bad as it gets” Oh, you sweet summer child.

[@TropicaIJay]

One of the most painful things with this series, is the Jedi knights Padawan seems to tell HIM what to do. Af is she's in charge... I absolutely hate that.

[@silasestlander]

She's not just a padawan, she's a woman. A strong woman. We must listen to those.

[@davidcosdesign6785]

No. She is a strong empowered woman... ala Rey and therefore it is a logical relationship. She teaches him.

[@davidcosdesign6785]

@@silasestlander I bow corrected.

[@Schnittertm1]

Well, he is a guy and she is a girl and this is how the "modern audience" apparently wants power dynamics. Since she is a girl, she probably knows everything already and there is nothing that a white guy can teach her anymore.

[@SherLock55]

That's because wahmen strong and smart, man dumb and weak. Modern day liberal feminism at it's finest LOL.

[@CarlWheatley-wi2cl]

So token Jedi stays in a force bubble for 10 YEARS contemplating his actions and then an unknown random woman shows up, tells him to take a poison and he obeys immediately? I don't even think Bobba Fett reached this level of dumb contrivance.

[@jrd33]

Hey, surely you must admit they subverted your expectations? :-)

[@tkps]

Not immediately. As someone suggested that he easily fobbed her off without a word or moving a muscle the 1st time was a likely analogy for 'white male patriarchial privilege' whilst 2nd visit was to allow white male to make reprarations to black female for said privilege. That makes sense knowing the politics of the writers. I haven't forgotten an article claimed though the witches who produce the twins live in a matriarchal society completely removed from others they still faced 'patriarchy'. How is not explained.

[@00ammy00]

​@@tommyboman7735I am never going to watch this show so spoil away, please tell me what happened so I can laugh while shaking my head in disgust.

[@shaunsaunders531]

I've not watched any of this, but judging by the reviews, the writing makes Bobba Fett look like Shakespeare. DEI working at peak performance.

[@Heisenberg_Zordon]

It was definitely, shite.

[@yamabamlo]

"It's not just ham fisted, it's sausage fingered and bacon wristed" 10/10 better script writing than 99% of modern media.

[@anthustenebris9202]

Also it's delicious!

[@derekpriley]

"Not only ham-fisted, it's sausage fingered and bacon wristed" ... I'm crying laughing at that. Bravo!

[@lorenkapp7038]

Genuinely get to enjoy hearing about how bad the show is without having to watching it, while simultaneously supporting the Drinker.

[@harlemsar]

This is the only reason to wait for another Disney content.

[@jujuubug5163]

Totally 💯

[@peterbigblock]

“Madam, if I was in a show with you, I’d drink it.” - Winston Churchill

[@renaissancenovice7202]

Lol

[@rekacolour]

I don't even watch the show, I'm just here for the roast.

[@bertvanbeterbed9702]

Same. Seeing it torn down is probably the most fun this show has to offer

[@redlight3932]

@@bertvanbeterbed9702 its the only thing disneys good for now

[@Crazybirdlady23]

Same 😂

[@kindzadza134]

Like pretty much everyone in the comment section

[@ThePrecipice66]

The Critical Drinker: watching this shit so I don't have to.

[@segovax2852]

Next villain will be ‘Darth Diabetus the Wide’

[@jedibatman6526]

This comment isn't getting enough love. Legendary

[@ragtowne]

they missed a great opportunity he should have fought “Yoda style“ spinning in the air back flipping jumping all over the place avoiding every possible attack without breaking a sweat or getting out of breath THAT would actually have been impressive

[@secondchance6603]

@@ragtowne The, “Yoda style“ spinning in the air back flipping jumping all over the place avoiding every possible attack thing made me facepalm when I saw it in the movie theatre back when it came out.

[@DugdoesDigging]

Bold of you to assume it'll be a villain...

[@dretchlord873]

@@secondchance6603 Why? How else is little Master Yoda supposed to fight without force powers? A little gremlin that blitzes your knees is a pretty dangerous threat

[@kenguyii9108]

Me: Guys, there’s been an assassination attempt on Master Torbin last night. Shouldn’t we beef up security? Lock up any windows or doors, guard the entrances, and/or maybe move Master Torbin to a much more secured room? *Jedi: Nah, it’ll be fine.*

[@oXRaptorzXo]

I mean, how would they go about moving him tbh

[@PBurns-ng3gw]

@@oXRaptorzXo He floats, they could probably take a leaf blower and blow him into the supply closet or some shit.

[@taddad2641]

@@oXRaptorzXo fair for that last part but they woulda had guards.

[@BertoxolusThePuzzled]

"Ehh, to be honest I kinda hate that guy anyways..." -The Jedi, unironically

[@misanthropicservitorofmars2116]

@@oXRaptorzXoif it’s a force generated field. You should be able to use the force to move it. Use your force to push on the force he’s generating. Should be able to move him around.

[@arghanothername]

The Lard side is a pathway to abilities your cardiologist would consider unhealthy

[@ContemplativeCat]

🤣

[@insertnamehere5809]

Execute Order 66 Cheeseburgers 🍔

[@Professor-of-Gaming]

Is it possible to learn this diet?

[@father-sonflightsimulator3838]

Execute order 66… Big Macs

[@father-sonflightsimulator3838]

@@insertnamehere5809lol. Beat me to it

[@TheNOMISS]

All very very true. The Acolyte is absolutely terrible. To add - the use of binoculars to look at something 20m away in this episode was horrific.

[@Mancada100]

Dr. Strange: "I have seen the 14,000,605 possible future storylines for the Acolyte .... there is not a single one with a good white guy"

[@astrahcat1212]

Honestly, this will sound bad but at this point, it's making everyone sick of women.

[@jaymeU2]

bwhaahahahaa

[@hob976]

I've got a Millennium Falcon on my wall with a Tie Fighter hanging nearby. I'm a total f*cking dork for the original trilogy. So, I've suffered all the subsequent shows and movies. But this is it, I'm tapping out on Star Wars. The Acolyte looks like a WB show. It looks worse than that Bobba Fett sh*t. And Jedis are just cheap kung-fu masters now. The mystique is all gone. Star Wars has no dry powder left... The term "creatively bankrupt" has no better home than the corporate offices of Disney. And I don't know who said this, but they were right: "Stop buying products made by people who openly hate you".

[@thedarkone2444]

I told my mate after the first Disney Star Wars movie, "I'm out. I will not pay to watch that nonsense because if you do, then they'll happily feed you more. He stuck by all the films then the TV shows but last year he came to me and said. That's it, I'm done with it, he won't be paying for it anymore. I understand why he persisted for so long but there comes a time you have to let go. I'm also into Games Workshop and they tried similar shit a few years ago. I along with thousands of others sent them an email saying go down this path and I won't be joining you. They stopped but now their trying again, nope not for me. I will not pay a penny to any company that doesn't respect me or tries to preach their moral views to me. Remember the good times and move along.

[@camerongunn7906]

Amen. And UE is my Canon.

[@cadis4257]

Took you long enough

[@TurkishToprak]

@@thedarkone2444 God bless you soldier, the writing is on the wall for Disney

[@larryroyovitz7829]

I tapped out after the second new disney movie. Can't be arsed to remember it's name. Useless garbage.

[@peterslaby9782]

The Chernobyl analogy of sifting through the radioactive debris of modern Hollywood is absolutely on point.

[@m.j.piazza7853]

Me, a writer: "My writing is crap." This show: *exists* Me: "Well. It could be worse."

[@BlackGold-fc7tu]

Best Disney Star Wars action scene ever; Token white guy just sitting there while strong female antagonist punches the air

[@dennisrounds1996]

I’m just surprised that she didn’t start twerking there!

[@schmiggidy]

It's a near-perfect visual metaphor for our "modern" times, isn't it?

[@Novastar.SaberCombat]

It's so cringe and crappily constructed, it *almost* makes "somehow, Plopatine returned" sound like a line from Rostand's work. 🐲✨🐲✨🐲✨ "Before I start, I must see my end. Destination known, my mind's journey now begins. Upon my chariot, heart and soul's fate revealed. In time, all points converge, hope's strength resteeled. But to earn final peace at the universe's endless refrain, we must see all in nothingness... before we start again." 🐲✨🐲✨🐲✨ --Diamond Dragons (book I)

[@bsmithhammer]

This observation is gold.

[@MacMiittens]

“People hired based off their identities rather than their talent” PREECH!!

[@Shineinpoverty]

I like the pattern tough. I mean, a young poc actress that acts as good as a wooden log. And of course, she is one of their hWood bubble. I imagine these interviews go like this: I am black and oppressed by white colonialists, gimmi the role. Eevery moment Amand*a had a line, it sounded so unprofessional and unbelievable. See, this is why in a professional environment, someone like Leslie would not receive this job. She obviously saw this privileged woke black woman acting. She saw how unable she is at acting. And she let her take the role! They cast people who share their believes, who cares about professionalism and 200 million?

[@Al-ok6xm]

Based on their disorder.

[@Paul-vf2wl]

It's not like it's difficult to find a diverse cast if you want that a show like the Expanse managed to cast Donimique Tipper, Frankie Adams, Shoreh Aghdashloo, Cara Gee and Florence Faivre and they were all fantastic actors.

[@IgnobleKin]

They really need to stop hiring token white actors. It's obviously just a DEI move, and it hurts the story.

[@jasonmcwilliams5225]

"Mental and physical discipline are not words that come to mind when I look at the big lad here". Absolute comic gold statement.

[@DarthTalon5]

Also you've gotta love how later the guy is watching the shop in plain view with binoculars. Then after being distracted and they slip away, he loudly shouts so everyone can hear that he has noticed that they have disappeared giving them ample time to get out of there while knowing there is no immediate risk.

[@ragtowne]

They could of had him fighting Yoda style spinning jumping a whirling dervish that would’ve been interesting

[@Braintier]

I'm not gonna lie I haven't watched your videos in a while. This video made my day, never fails to make me laugh! 😂

[@scorchednet1408]

*Kills 2 jedi in a 1vs1 duel. * Can't kill the unarmed drug dealer from the back

[@seangorman3959]

"Not just ham-fisted, it's sausage-fingered and bacon-wristed." 🤣🤣🤣

[@tagguh1]

The recent star wars movies and shows feel like a bunch of people getting dressed in star wars outfits and acting out fan fiction or just LARPing. There's like zero quality to the writing and direction.

[@danielsweeney8164]

like something you would encounter on the star wars galactic cruiser hotel at disneyland by bored peeps making minimum wage

[@witblitsfilm]

Bloody hell..... you've literally hit the nail on the head.... lightbulb moment.

[@dolofonosesostrefis]

Hey now that's too far. At least the fanfic writers read and understand the lore they're using.

[@karmatraining]

I've seen some pretty good Star Wars fan movies. They were created by smart, passionate individuals who know the canon like their own personal Bible.

[@diegomadera9700]

I do believe that comparison is an insult to fan fiction. I mean Brightstar, Last Trial, & others make Acolyte look like Non-Fan Fiction, which is exactly what it is.

[@Makingnewnamesisdumb]

The "force field" scenes are actually so much more stupid if you subscribe to the Rogue One explanation of the Force where it's literally just plot armor that allows you do to literally anything as long as you need to stay alive to do something really important. It may be that he's literally just in sleep stasis while the Force enabled God Mode on him. It's like in an old video game where your attacks are totally ineffectual to story critical characters.

[@andrewschneider2121]

Attack of the clones (2002): “I don’t like sand.” The Acolyte (2024): “Straight up this sand ain’t bussin. And thats on god fam. Fr, fr.”

[@heartysquid]

Thanks, I needed to have a stroke this morning...mind calling me an Ambulance?

[@farharbor3178]

@@heartysquidyou’re an ambulance

[@Lol_Pig]

​@@farharbor3178😂🤣

[@Keys879]

@@farharbor3178 Flawless. 👏👏

[@46sn29]

​@@farharbor3178 Well played.

[@Arcexey]

Leslye Headland while writing this: "hmm what does poison look like? I know, an obvious glowing green vial."

[@Rezzatoni]

I really would have appreciated if instead of a liquid poison they had taken a red apple soaked in poison, as a tribute to snow white and the seven dwarfs; but then the audience may have expected the white jedi to spit out the bite and come to live again ...

[@Nick-cy2tn]

Harvey had some sleepy poison juice in his desk

[@makeyourmark00]

The poison should have come from a tub labeled, "Brawndo. It's got what self-loathing Jedi crave."

[@DarthTalon5]

A poison they were also supposedly taught to use while hunting. Poison to use while HUNTING for food they plan to eat. A poison that kills you in seconds. Like what even are these writers doing nowadays?

[@R33F3RMONSTER]

Also Leslyr Headland: "hmm, what's the force again? It's just the same thing as magic right?!"

[@MarfTheUnbearable]

"Attack me with all your strength!" Is a cheese line ripped straight out of a bad anime.

[@klash9684]

ripped off from kill bill vol 1 uma vs liu fight scene

[@BruvaBob]

@@klash9684 Ya beat me to it

[@xPogiify]

"i hate sand" - anakin skywalker

[@MarfTheUnbearable]

@xPogiify The words, the delivery, we knew he was going to be a serial killer. Tusken FBI still uses it as a case study.

[@Cryogenius333]

@@xPogiify There was context for that though. He grew up on a planet surrounded by fine sand. I don't know about you, but beach sand is shite. It really DOES get everywhere. It is a well memed line for sure, but Most of the memeing of Anakin came about because Hayden made him such a whiny adolescent and his voice was frustrating. if that line had been delivered by Obi or Qui Gon we wouldn't have thought much of it. I hear "Attack me! With ALL of your strength" and I think either Yuh Gi Oh or a really bad cheesy Chinese Wushu Kungfu movie. The characters in either one both make the same stupid pose before attacking.

[@micahthomas705]

A brave display of self sacrifice, watching this so I didn't have to. Thank you for your service Drinker.

[@iloveplayingpr]

The Token White Guy made the most logical move of ingesting that poison from this death trap of a Disney universe.

[@donaldodiaz4012]

He said peace ✌️

[@TiGGowich]

What infuriates me most is knowing that millions of people will watch this and not see anything wrong with it because their brains have already been melted to the point where they would swallow radioactive garbage if someone fed it to them... and you can be guaranteed there will be dozens and hundreds of "critics" and media shills celebrating this episode as another masterpiece....

[@thewargimp]

They'll be the ones against us in the end times.

[@PoorlyDrawnPotato]

The media can big it up all they want, no way is it making its budget back.

[@davidfortygin5989]

Really doubt that millions of people will watch this

[@attackfox]

Star Wars fans are slightly more attuned to bullshit … hopefully

[@johnnichols8553]

Sort of like people who like Taylor Swift.

[@rthompson7182]

Acolyte, a show even Tatiana couldn’t swallow.

[@Fred_Lougee]

Yup. It's a massive load, to be sure.

[@jaylawrence5240]

As a child in the seventies I watched the first Star Wars movie in the theater and instantly fell in love with the whole thing. I collected Star Wars figures (not tiny dolls) and my friends and I discussed everything Star Wars on the playground. I didn't even mind the prequels because they did fill in some of the gaps we would discuss on the playground. It was like finally learning the truth about a well kept secret as an adult. Kind of a coming of age thing of sort. This piece of crap kind of sums up just what a mess Disney can make. Thanks George for letting them behind the wheel.

[@pillboss1987]

KZbin had the balls to put an Acolyte ad trailer before this video

[@astrahcat1212]

They don't have balls that'd be bigotted.

[@notmo.]

Zero people clicked on this ad before the video.

[@dunnagan5]

I could accept a fat old Jedi that relies on the mental powers of the Force, but that was a fat PADAWAN.

[@beowulfsrevenge4369]

If you have a Padawan who is a little chubby and is in that awkward stage between being a child and an adult, that's believable. But a Jedi who's clearly full grown and just can't resist that third helping of cake is ridiculous. Unless their trying to make some commentary on how corrupt parts of the jedi order are and they've got a bunch of fat slovenly borderline dark Jedi, obviously using the Force for their own personal gain and gratification. Like a Sith sect came from the decadence of the Jedi and Mae/Osha were abused by these Jedi, and that's why Mae wants revenge. That could be interesting. However, this particular story is just terrible.

[@iminyourwallz420]

⁠​⁠@@beowulfsrevenge4369you are looking way too deep in way too swallow waters, my dude. They COULD have tried to give that sort of image or idea, but this is The Acolyte, the people writing here probably have one original idea per month and usually is awful

[@blackjackjester]

It would be far more interesting to get The Mountain from GoT as a Jedi

[@pillemcphilsen8529]

Deep-fried and sugar glazed are paths to the dark side of the force.

[@moneymanifestation9505]

It makes sense if he is a padawan but I don't see it making any difference because no jedi has looked athletic or even strong 😂trying to tell me luke looked like he could take on the universe 😂it's not even believable luke was a farm boy because he literally had no muscles whatsoever. Obi wan etc all looked like dad's with dad bods not great unverisal warriors 😂once this alcoholic is looking to far into this to try and find something wrong

[@beowulfsrevenge4369]

Jedi Abetus: "Call in an order for 66 Big Mac's and Diet Coke." Padawan: "Would you like fries with that?" Jedi Abetus: "Yes, supersize those Big Mac's."

[@jonkerrmusic]

"Not just ham-fisted, it's sausage-fingered and bacon-wristed" has been added to my lexicon... What a golden line!

[@TheZeyc]

I stopped watching new Star Wars stuff long ago and now youre my one window into whats happening. So thanks you, I salute your liver for hangin in there

[@DreadX10]

If there ever was a liver deserving a purple heart ....

[@TheWarmachine375]

The Critical Drinker: *criticizes* Disney: "And we the Hive Mind took that personally."

[@waffleswafflson3076]

Waiting for them to take him to court for damages aganist their brand

[@NefariousKoel]

I notice the occasional "modern audience" shill shows up to complain about these reviews and it's viewership. It's hilarious, the desperation.

[@Allan_aka_RocKITEman]

*_"Why? Don't Know."_* That perfectly describes this entire series.

[@r.j.amadeus9128]

I salute you for getting this far to warn us. This New Low makes Battle Beyond the Stars and Star Crash look like masterpieces.