A secure person would walk away. I was with a DA for a long time. During a long period of no contact I became secure. When she came back I found her behavior intolerable and ended it.
@SSCCGL-ph9eb Жыл бұрын
Exactly where i want to be.
@SK-no2pp Жыл бұрын
Same here 👏 What we accept in a relationship is a measure of what we think we deserve deep down. So own what you want and desire - you start maximising opportunities for yourself when you say no to things that aren’t that. It is ok to declare that you want to be with someone who has an ongoing and deepening connection to you.
@julieb4765 Жыл бұрын
I had a similar experience. I was an FA. They came back and after getting close they started deactivating and making excuses so I emotionally checked out. By the time they inevitably ended things, they were surprised that I also wanted the end. I've made it impossible for them to reach me and I'm happier for it
@sarahcook90811 ай бұрын
Thank you for this! I actually lean FA or secure but for the longest time I thought I was AP. Turned out my ex-husband was not only DA but narcissist. I left and thank goodness almost 3 years later life is so calm and normal again and my relationship is normal.
@therealtulip9 ай бұрын
So easy to say “just walk away” when it’s not your feelings on the line. I think a secure person would try to get more clarity before walking away.
@steffiekensley8743 Жыл бұрын
This is great advice if you have a Secure Attachment style and are deeply emotionally invested in one particular DA who's willing to do the work. It's questionable how many SAs would get that far with an unhealed DA. If you listen carefully to the wording here, it sounds a lot like an instruction guide or communication script for those who want to interact with a DA from a secure attachment style approach. I believe there was a comment requesting this type of video, so Thais obliged the commenter based on her interactions with DAs in her personal life, practice and in her school. These DAs were likely willing and wanting to learn about attachment style and put in the work to become secure. The truth is, not all DAs are alike and not all SAs are alike. Listen to your internal wisdom. If you're dealing with a DA who has had ample opportunity to show up for you and hasn't, you don't have to give them one more second of your valuable time. You have the option to walk away as the most some DAs would ever give you are lessons, wisdom, knowing, discernment and the inspiration to securely attach to you. Sometimes, that is the gift, and the onus is not on every other attachment style to repeatedly approach and cater to a DA who is unwilling to prioritize them on equal footing. If they put work, hobbies, friendships, past-times and creature comforts above you and you're always last on the list, what is that telling your inner child about how important they are? I'm SA and I wouldn't waste my time on conversation after conversation I must initiate time and time again to express interest while a DA continues to de-prioritize me. It's OK to choose you. That's what the DA does, chooses themselves (even if it's indirectly by meeting their survival needs, distracting and engaging with friends, hobbies or work). It feels safer and more fulfilling to be with someone who doesn't put you last on the list. If you're not on their list, why would they remain on yours? You're the gift. You're here learning. They're not.
@hibiscushoney3759 Жыл бұрын
❤️ your comment. Precisely.
@kathym.248 Жыл бұрын
Beautifully said. "You're the gift".
@kazao4403 Жыл бұрын
Perfectly said, its a lesson to choose yourself in the most part and I think these videos give alot of hope, but the reality is alot of DAs are not self aware and unable to work with close relationships or look in the mirror
@0Demiyah0 Жыл бұрын
I started a situationship with a DA when I was FA, but he has always been invested and prioritizes me. In that sense, the periods where I felt my needs were not met were scarce. The status quo has been we are in contact every day and he initiates to see me 1-4 times a week. I felt safe and comfortable enough with him to prioritize my inner-security, and test whether in this connection I can heal my relational anxiety. It actually did work out for me and I am now mostly "healed" or "earned secure". He responds so much more securely and emotionally vulnerable now that I cannot easily be swayed into FA anymore. Because he offered this time to me to undo my own dysregulation, while he has often been the guinea pig/punching bag for my imperfect attempts in this learning curve, I hold a lot of patience and special place in my heart towards him. Having both anxious and avoidant traits, I also find it easier to understand and read between the lines, and co-regulate with him. Whereas in the beginning he was avoidant towards therapeutic help, he is now at the stage where he openly discusses it with his siblings and parents. It is shifting the dynamic at the root of the problem - the family system. He is currently still dysregulated easily at the nervous system level, but he puts a lot more consciousness into that, and openly questions his physical and mental reactions with me. It is actually blossoming into a situation where two unaware and insecurely attached individuals have encouraged and supported each other in becoming more Secure. It seems my experience is truly an outlier, and in many cases it might not be feasible, wanted or seems like too long of a breath to hold, but I do want to share my experience with others to give optimism and hope that not all is lost with DA's and in insecure dynamics.
@hottamaledancer Жыл бұрын
Wow. Just...wow. the last 3 paragraphs are a startling and honest reality check🥺🤯
@jillainenewman1358 Жыл бұрын
Won't commit? Ha! My DA won't even return texts. 😂
@georgeelder8415 Жыл бұрын
Yup...
@georgeelder8415 Жыл бұрын
Doesn't meet up, then hangs her head in shame the next day!
@stevensantora2976 Жыл бұрын
That's standard for any DA. DA's don't like personal communication more so group communication.
@erichaberman3812 Жыл бұрын
In another vid she mentions keep it lite. I've seen this work pretty well. Just suck in all your feelings and find something funny to say or a good meme specific to them. Try to keep your expectations really low
@jillainenewman1358 Жыл бұрын
@@erichaberman3812 But is it possible to have a deeply satisfying relationship with a person for whom you must "keep expectations low"? I have decided that it isn't and I'm working to detach myself emotionally from my DA. It isn't easy, because I love him, but I also deserve to be with someone who can love me back. I don't think he's that man.
@MJMont-fh8wv Жыл бұрын
I’m quite secure but started seeing my DA a year ago (we knew each other a for a few years). I have never had such a traumatic experience but I moved through it once I educated myself on DA’s. Secures are liable to be pulled anxious. I went through extreme anxiety when my DA pulled away, went hot and cold, acted weird, etc. I’ve never experienced this before. I have seriously educated myself on his attachment style; I knew he was very abused as a child. I became aware of distancing strategies and how to respond and I pulled myself out of the quicksand of his dysfunction. Thais gives advice as to how many secures will react, but I can assure you, DA’s can pull secures into severe anxiety if they’ve never encountered these behaviors. I think a great video for her would address this situation. I’m in a much better situation now with him because I know how to handle him. He’s very much worth it and the most wonderful man I’ve ever met. Because I’m secure, I was able to recognize the dysfunction and pull myself out!!! I think that is a major difference from an AP or FA with a DA. He is becoming more secure within the relationship as I regulate my emotions to him. My calmness calms him.
@cassandraheiden8085 Жыл бұрын
Love your response! So nice to see a positive comment about working through a relationship with a DA!
@cryptopott3947 Жыл бұрын
Same , I understand now why he retreats away right after we spend a day of good calm quality time together, it’s like he wants me to know that he is in control of our relationship, he wants to feel secure with me
@MrTheomighty1 Жыл бұрын
@@cryptopott3947This is exactly what my beautiful SP does we have amazing times when we are together it’s the afterwards when we say goodbye it takes ages for us to get together because she pulls away so much it’s hard to understand but watching more and more of these videos I am understanding why. I’ve been with my DA for over 3 years and it’s tough but I’m thinking she’s never had stability in her life and I am still here for her but living my life to the fullest.
@crzyizzyguitar Жыл бұрын
I’m secure and never felt anxious until I was with my ex da gf. A year as friends and almost a year exclusive. She abruptly ended the relationship out of no where. Worst heart break I’ve ever experienced.
@Ytdeletesallmycomments Жыл бұрын
How long did it take? I saw big steps but after 5 months he is totally deactivated and i am thinking hmm. I dont like this anymore. Better start talking soon boy or i am gone. I am not like your exes.. 😂
@jerryh6962 Жыл бұрын
Im FA, dated DA female for 6 months and she wouldn't commit. About 3 weeks ago I made the decision to walk away. I do miss her but I had to put myself first.
@joannedomingo239811 ай бұрын
Ditto. I left after a year
@Dropshotzjelloshots15 ай бұрын
Still gone? Or did you go back?
@jerryh69625 ай бұрын
@@Dropshotzjelloshots1 never went back.
@lmart16 Жыл бұрын
As an FA would do: Tolerate their absurdity until you tell them the needs you want met. Reevaluate in a set time then wait for them to cross that same line again, which leads to a blow up "this isn't okay' list of things they did that were not up to your standards... and so now you're both strangers. Followed by radio silence for multiple months, if not forever.
@janiepoos79 Жыл бұрын
Literally my exact situation right now. (Me FA him DA). Two years of a situationship and ‘dating’ and multiple episodes of pulling away and NC. Current NC 6 weeks yesterday. I’m so done but still so broken hearted and hoping for change but starting to put myself first for the first time in my life (43 years old) 😢💙🙏🏻
@jonm.3133 Жыл бұрын
@@janiepoos79 Good for you for learning how to put yourself first. It's never too late. This almost doesn't sound like an FA (based purely on these four sentences though). You sound like you know yourself very well, that's good too. I'm sure you know then that you can only change yourself. The other person has to do their own work -- at some point you'll decide to stop waiting. (Anything new since you posted this? I'd love to hear more.)
@PrettiestGemini Жыл бұрын
This is the exact situation I’m in. We had a conversation, he agreed to be more consistent and it was going well until I asked him a question “What makes you smile?”. Never responded to my message, now it’s been two weeks. I don’t even care to be close anymore.
@NellyBellz264 ай бұрын
Facts
@sshuteandrew Жыл бұрын
Total flip of script for me. My DA pushed to be in an all in committed relationship in the first month. As an AP I thought it was way too fast but I gave in. Then the DA broke up with me 6 months later. DA’s have to be in the driver seat at all times with no compromise. Compromise equals pressure or criticism to them.
@liltetsuni Жыл бұрын
And expectation. They hate having expectations put on them
@perkym94 Жыл бұрын
I had a similar experience where my DA pushed things faster than I was really ready for. It was almost impulsive. But as an AP I wanted to people please and didn’t feel comfortable sticking to my own needs and gave in. I wish I had listened to my gut and realized that I can also dictate the timeline I want to move on instead of fearing losing this person and just succumbing to what he wanted. The DA was equally as impulsive and quick when he decided to end things with me almost three years later.
@Ljounieh Жыл бұрын
@@perkym94 impulsive after three years??
@stevensantora2976 Жыл бұрын
Thank you for the insight.
@mermaidtales4009 Жыл бұрын
Exact same... full on, then over 6 mths later..
@jessicajackson1200 Жыл бұрын
As a woman easy solution, move slowly in the physical department which will keep you from getting too attached too fast, i always keep my legs closed until i am in a committed, monogamous relationship, and that is a bare minimum of 2-3 months down the road, usually i am more comfortable with 3-4 months, i like to really get to know someone on a mental and emotional level first. If a guy isnt ok with waiting and making a commitment first then im gone, theres plenty that dont mind that.
@siriusakari6729 Жыл бұрын
Totally agree. It is so much easier to decide if someone is a good match for you when you take your time in the physical department.
@sherriflemming3218 Жыл бұрын
Agree
@ModusVivendiMedia6 ай бұрын
THIS I approve of! As someone who is either secure (if I don't think my dating or relationship partner is interested in other men) or anxious (if I think she is), I cannot participate in the usual modern dating market where people have sex within the first few dates but then take months to commit to exclusivity. Like why would I want to spend time with you, at all, if you're sleeping with other guys (and not willing to stop after you get to know me for a few dates)? Is sex that meaningless to people that they just give it out like candy to whoever happens to want it or feels kind of fun to do it with? Why ever move toward a sexually exclusive relationship with anyone ever then? Why not just everyone be poly forever if they're so ok with it? If I like someone I am NOT in a hurry to have sex (not that I don't want to, but it's ok to wait if I really like them and think they really like me and it will happen eventually), but I AM in a hurry to make damn sure she isn't having sex with anyone else. If I actually don't care about that, then I probably don't care if I ever see her again either (and to the extent that I want to see her now, probably DO want to get to sex quickly because that would be the only reason I care enough to see her).
@TheEvilangel1976 Жыл бұрын
The DA I tried to date, had one 2 year relationship in his life, never lived together. He's 51 yrs old and no kids. I was never going to get a commitment from him. I never took it personally, he prioritized other things before relationships.
@joannedomingo239811 ай бұрын
DITTO IN CAPITAL LETTERS
@kazao4403 Жыл бұрын
Bottom line is if a DA is not prepared to heal themselves and want to, you need to move on, these chats are nice in theory but they just agree with you to appease you
@Pr_20 Жыл бұрын
They would have that conversation and leave ✌🏾
@erxfav3197 Жыл бұрын
Exactly. Leave.
@vukbabovic50318 ай бұрын
If you have to negotiate exclusivity you are already too late. Seeing more people at once at any stage in life stems from maximizing mindset, which is essentially insecure attitude towards life and self. Soon after a person stops seeing other people for the sake of commitment - it is expected of chosen partner to compensate for the lack of options. This puts the relationship into spiraling pattern of power struggle pointless arguments... Just face it people - we need to learn temperance and chastity. Everything else is bargaining with misery - and often others are left to pick up the pieces.
@joannegild8001 Жыл бұрын
My avoidant didn’t behave like an avoidant until the 3 plus months had passed. THEN he became distant while still present in person. Ignored me, paid no attention to what I was saying or asking. I tried to accept this for several months but finally broke up with him.
@ineffige Жыл бұрын
this. So much this. 3 months and puff!
@Wealth_through_Health22 Жыл бұрын
I dont even have to watch the video to know that a secure would just leave a DA in the dust and not put up with their BS
@shoonyah Жыл бұрын
Love your insights. Been there done that. Ask yourself, unless you are married n totally invested (even then, for how long) ..why would you make so much effort for anyone who is not meeting you at the halfway mark? If you are truly secure, i mean, truly truly secure then you won't put up with a flip flop. After initial mourning you will say a goodbye. The only time you will consider bending over backwards over n over again, will be if any remnants of any insecurity are left in you. So the point is, work is still left to be done on YOU. No one should get the power to disturb your sense of security long n deep enough that you start to question yourself. Period.
@judithd7236 Жыл бұрын
I did exactly that to him (DA). Gave space, not pushed and yet...1.5 year later we broke up as he isn't ready to commit altho he has been always telling me he want to be in a serious relationship 😢
@mermaidtales4009 Жыл бұрын
Yep, you feel played.. I knew he was stringing me along after a few talks about moving things fwd. Very hard decision to walk away, but I'm early 50's & know what I want. He is 50.
@SK-no2pp Жыл бұрын
Should’ve looked at this behavior and actions, do they match with the words
@sherriflemming3218 Жыл бұрын
He means what he says. Wants casual.
@yougotgroove Жыл бұрын
So, when I detach, when I let go, and when I focus on myself, and not the relationship, and I move on, she comes back. And for a few days, it looks really good, and will have two hours of good conversation, and then it turns negative. and I'm not reacting anymore. And all I can feel is empathy. Because she's got these blinders on. And I'm just gonna stay silent now, and just observe. And not react let's see if the behaviour changes. I do love her. And I really do think it's my responsibility to raise my levels and try to help her become more secure. Because her behaviour is driven by fear, she's attached to outcomes that haven't even occurred. It's almost like she manifests failure. Or she tries to predict the future which is catastrophic. So, it's time to be understanding, and to practice compassionate, curiosity right now. Stay kind, and see if her behaviour changes based on my actions and non reactions. She is a beautiful soul after all. She is worthy, and she is deserving of my love. As I am of hers. The question is right now is she willing to receive and give. I might not be the one, and I'm OK with that. All I know is I hope she finds it.
@HelEna-rz3xn Жыл бұрын
I agree about the timelines for moving from the dating stage to a commited relationship. However, I would not date someone (with physical intimacy) for several months without being exclusive. If I give something a chance, I would focus on that person and expect the same from them. If someone isn't willing to be monogamous, I think chances are low that they will "suddenly" cut their other contacts and commit to me further down the road. I wouldn't want to get hurt that way and wouldn't do this to someone else.
@shugadaddy4841 Жыл бұрын
As a former DA I will say that, if they are actively putting in the effort and you really care for them, hang in their. It's hard for us.
@charlottemarceau8062 Жыл бұрын
I'm reconnecting with someone atm (DA) after 6 months of not speaking. She knows about her attachment style, knows its a barrier, and I've (AP, 40% secure maybe) been making a huge effort to make her feel safe, make space for her, not be in the crazy mindset i was in 6 months ago, because i really like her a lot. I'm exhausted though .. will it always be like this or can it get better?
@sushisam3010 Жыл бұрын
@@charlottemarceau8062 If you're exhausted, there's something wrong. You are picking up things that are problems that she must work on by herself. There is no such thing as providing security for the other, in a relationship almost everything is co-creation. The other must be there to create security as well. Don't impoverish yourself for the emotional poverty of the other. Talk and set boundaries. With DAs, you have to be firm, because usually a lack of self awareness is present. If you're exhausted, it's time to start questioning yourself what you want in a relationship and really see if this person can give you what you need -- create realistic expectations. DAs usually don't have tools for love relationships (although they deserve to be loved, the behaviors are unjustifiable), they need psychotherapy (we all do), it's not just a matter of attachment. Look at yourself and see what's missing.
@charlottemarceau8062 Жыл бұрын
Well it didn't work, I've learned it isn't going to work since writing that comment. Well done me (!)
@rool2265 Жыл бұрын
@@charlottemarceau8062can I ask how things went down? I walked away from a DA who was vulnerable about their situation, and its affect on me, but don’t know if I should revisit dating them again.
@charlottemarceau8062 Жыл бұрын
She made an effort for about 1 day, and then things went back to normal. I think part of me was stuck on the idea that the reason things hadn't work were the "situational" (her words, meaning my partner being a bit off with her. We're poly) things but since coming back into the situation with the two of them having made up since, and it being the same, i realise (or, my body has learned) that its exhausting and not healthy and not what i want. I'd have loved to do this kind of relationship work with her, but I'm also sure now that what i want isn't available, and I'm done chasing it :) (done chasing that feeling she gave me in the first two weeks of our interaction, which never returned, obviously) I think the best thing for either outcome is to come to this same place and leave through the exit it gives you. I don't feel anything bad toward her, i feel a bit sad for her in a way, and I'm sure we'll be some kind of friends
@shelmie5 Жыл бұрын
Thanks for this video, I’ve had this conversation with a DA for 3 years, back and forth, just waiting for change (I had high hopes 😔) So I blew up a few weeks ago, just lost it, felt my time has been wasted. Of course he blocked me 🤷🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️ why are relationship’s so hard. By the way I’m AP, leaning or learning to be secure. I think I’ll just be single for now.
@Pr_20 Жыл бұрын
I wouldn’t of been able to last that long. Mine was 15months but I wasn’t feeling it anymore as I’m becoming less AP more secure. Keep doing the work whilst you’re single. That’s what I’ll be doing so I can vet the next one thoroughly
@LeeChrissy Жыл бұрын
I feel this. I'm an FA, but feel pretty secure at the beginning until someone shows me fear or doubt they want to be in a relationship. Then the inner turbulence starts and I'm undone. I'll never understand someone who starts anything with anyone and doesn't have any goals to move it forward.
@steph6109 Жыл бұрын
3 years is enough time for a SA, AP or FA to gey married and start a family. Work towards your goals don't go out of your way to fit someone else into them
@LeeChrissy Жыл бұрын
@@steph6109 very true, but sometimes people can only leave when they truly feel ready or you're stuck with all the "what ifs..." Mine has been on and off for 3 years too. We've been close friends for over 20 years. It's not a sex thing either. Most of our time together is conversations, laughing and cuddling. We don't date anyone else...even when we have breaks. He's a DA/FA and we both know and accept each others faults. It's so hard to be together but we miss each other so much when we're apart. Everyone has a different story.
@shelmie5 Жыл бұрын
@@steph6109 I even dated other people during the off times, but I didn’t find a match. The whole cycle is crazy, that’s why I just decided to take a break for now and just be single.
@yougotgroove Жыл бұрын
I had my last conversation with her. I have made a decision to move on.
@file13whereareyou11 ай бұрын
So, You're not free to feel any feeling for this person unless and until you get to this point of joint willingness and desire to commit. This is what's difficult, stifling your feelings for someone for so long, waiting for them to get on board. By that time, you can forget abt genuine feelings. This is confusing.
@healingwavehypnosis Жыл бұрын
I think my ex is DA, and normally I'm secure, but when he pulled away the love almost overnight, I became anxious, trying to figure out if I had done something wrong. He says he doesn't know what happened, that he got paralyzed. He went from being an incredible and loving and attentive partner to barely even fulfilling the role of a friend - which he was to me for about 16 years before we reunited as lovers. He says I'm amazing and perfect and he's feeling insecure about not matching my level of romance. Then how he wants to meet my needs, but can't. It's all so confusing. He ended up saying he thinks he's bad for my health, and broke things off with me. I just said, OK and goodbye. I'm so hurt.
@perkym94 Жыл бұрын
You didn’t deserve to be deserted like that. It hurts now but you did the right thing cutting him loose. Better and healthier things are in store ♥️
@johnmaus4408 Жыл бұрын
I had the same experience. 34 years. Great partner in so many ways but that very secure investment never came. Several on off situations in that time. Wonderful person but one day the axe came. Blew my mind. Done and done. I thank Thais for the understanding. My partner has zero interest in ever speaking to me again. Acts as was abused. She was but as a child. Not by me. One walks around thinking "is this real" or the bizzar claims. Projection. Stay here and learn. I love her but it thats not enough. Becomes unintentionally abusive I feel. At least that is my experience. Your lucky he says your amazing. Ive been 2 years trying to make sense of some very bizzare claims. Super petty stuff. Bottom line. She decided to move on. Needed something to say. Hang in there. Life has pain.
@johnmaus4408 Жыл бұрын
Jolene, Yes that is my name. I am probably older than him. I never listened to him. Wasn't aware there are other JM but the world has allot of residents. Best to you.
@forlittlejosel Жыл бұрын
:
@Alexandermhinton6 ай бұрын
he is bad for your health
@erxfav3197 Жыл бұрын
What does taking a step back mean then? She did not specifically say. This seems potentially very codependent, and could be dealing with a narcissist or narcissistic individual. You can stay stuck in a situation with these people who just string you/breadcrumb you along.
@georgeelder8415 Жыл бұрын
Seems like,"we're going to stand still or take a week off while I await your response."
@carolinelaronda4523 Жыл бұрын
A securely attached person isn’t going to even be a vibrational match to the utter mess that a DA is to be giving them more than 1 date and entertaining their fuckery .
@cappygurl Жыл бұрын
I think this is highly variable. Depending on how secure the person is and how avoidant the avoidant person. Also if the secure person has more anxious and avoidant tendencies.
@Lolipop8686 Жыл бұрын
But in the beginning (first weeks/months) a DA can show up very secure!
@0Demiyah0 Жыл бұрын
@@cappygurl I agree, on top of this, DA can indeed come across more secure in the beginning phase before their attachment issues are "online". Depending of the security of the other, the DA might also show up more secure in general. That's because an SA would have more self-regulation and empathy in their approach, which would not trigger the wounds of the DA to the level that AP and FA project onto the DA.
@careitina1412 Жыл бұрын
Wise thought! People say DA present a secure behaviour in the beginning -so what? Narcissist present a lovely version in the beginning too! 60% of people that win the loterry remain poore again in several years,because they exude the basic vibe ,,I am poore". So AA or FA - our core vibe is ,,I am abandoned,rejected,unlovable" so we are a vibrational match to those who will make us feel stronger this basic beliefs.The strenght with which we fall in love-is an indicator of how much this person is capable of making us feel again those wounds. As a person commented once here,, If you fall in love with a DA you have to literally not love yourself"
@Wealth_through_Health22 Жыл бұрын
@@careitina1412 Your comment is so underrated. You are right, in order to never attract a DA again you have to heal those abandonment, rejection and unworthy of love wounds. I would suggest looking into EMDR
@HH-pj5bl Жыл бұрын
Yet another aweosme video!!! That communication is on point! Please do a series of how secure reacts to being ignored/blocked. Thank you for always showing up for us Thais. Love you❤
@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Жыл бұрын
Thanks for your comment and suggestion ❤
@warmhart2034 Жыл бұрын
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Great video! Can you pass on a message for Thais if she can do one of this but with a Secure/(lean avoidant) with DA. Thanks heaps :)
@dramirez3862 Жыл бұрын
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool yes this subject would be very helpfull
@MsGuitars666 Жыл бұрын
I am securely attached and have done it exactly like this 😄 spot on
@ScottH7651 Жыл бұрын
How will you know the person's attachment style in the early stages of dating, especially when Avoidants can come across as secure initially?
@liltetsuni Жыл бұрын
Takes time, listening skills, and reflection. For me when I silently observe in our interactions and reflect on it later I can usually sus it out
@dr.jenniferma3914 Жыл бұрын
@@liltetsuni Me too. They will drop hints. If you use meditation that helps. You have to let your mind completely relax and accept all the information it's gathering. Let the truth come to the surface of your being and you'll discover you've known all along. Are they rushed? Impulsive? Frantic? Are they taking the time to ask you questions and really listening for the answers? Do they actively bring up their plans and desire for commitment and discuss relationships with a realistic frame? Are they idealistic and regretful? Do they blame their partners? Do they seem overly emotional or too detached? Do you get the sense that it just won't be easy falling and staying in love with this person?
@Katrica670 Жыл бұрын
"Hey look I've really been enjoying getting to know you in these past .... and I would actually love to have an authentic commitment. I am not asking you to make this decision now, however I just wanna make sure we're on the same page and both actually wanna be a great team together! I value my own time and feelings so I don't wanna invest what you're not wanting to invest aka not feeling justified in investing with me." This sounds like such a 😍 thing to say to a person! Wow Thais!
@joannedomingo239811 ай бұрын
I told him that. I was asking him about his timeline. He said he needs more time. It’s 8 months and knowing him a year I finally walked away. I love him but I wasted to much time. Him being a player entered my mind and eventually I thought I was unfit for him
@PrettiestGemini Жыл бұрын
Been dealing with a DA for a couple of years now. It’s a situationship that he claimed he wanted to turn into a relationship. I recently gave in after originally declining the relationship offer. We went on a couple dates, he started being more consistent in communication, and things were going okay until I asked him a question. It’s been two weeks and I haven’t heard from him. I already communicated my needs and he said he could meet them. Of course, that wasn’t true. I’m pretty much done this time, I’m no longer trying to meet him in the middle, I just wanna know how to end things in a way that will let him know I don’t want him to come back again like he always does after he disappears.
@Lolipop8686 Жыл бұрын
Hi Thaïs, thank you for your videos, great as always ! A suggestion for a video: are there any "variables" to distinguish an extreme DA vs low DA? I feel like for a non-DA - or someone who is just learning about it - it might be difficult to gauge how much is too much eg. in terms of space, communication, behaviour that is acceptable for a DA. I have the impression that we might sometimes excuse poor behaviour as "high DA" but in reality is just poor behaviour regardless of attachment style. It would be great if you could give us some insight about this! Thanks!
@lianavibes Жыл бұрын
DAs are sensitive around sensing their feelings. This was a great script how to own your innate wisdom and power. Self love and self consideration.
@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Жыл бұрын
Glad this resonated with you ❤
@jadoodilip Жыл бұрын
As a DA, i must say that its very difficult to be in relationship with us. At times you will feel like giving up on us. But trust me, we do love you, its just that our childhood was so cracked up that we need the healing touch to heal, also at the same time we also need to be self aware of our challenges and seek intervention to improve upon it. But its not like we don't love, its just that our methods are very very different.
@siyafaith5615 Жыл бұрын
Until when must you be understood though? Please go heal yourselves because you creating hurt in your hurt
@jadoodilip Жыл бұрын
@@siyafaith5615 Thanks for the reply. I am healing / trying to - In therapy for 3 years now, and i am now in a position to finally see it through
@chiaraA. Жыл бұрын
Even though I feel like an Anxious, I believe I acted like a SA in the relationship. It was only at the 6 month mark, the end of our honeymoon phase that a work opportunity came up which would entail me moving further away, and what happened is the now' ex' DA (my knowledge of attachment styles came after the breakup to find out what happened to me) did not express any feelings/thoughts etc about this a move or whether it would impact him in any way. That got me wondering why wasn't he showing up for me, there were the months of deepening connection that previously were happening... it had been building up to and leading to this moment. And then nothing. When I confronted him about it - didn't he feel any type of way about this possible new challenge to our relationship- I was broken up with out of the blue, without any conversation being had. It took away my agency about the two of us being in the relationship together, and was a complete discard - I was totally expendable. I will not be quick to forget the uncaring for my needs in that moment or for how I would feel in the aftermath. Best to stay clear of DAs is the clear message
@Jenishabadoo Жыл бұрын
I want to do this but honestly I’m so exhausted at this point I don’t know if I have the wherewithal to even pursue it any further. Also, do the DA’s ever “get better” or they always bolt bc I cannot imagine doing this forever.
@temi4116 Жыл бұрын
Ive always bolted and probably always will.
@dr.jenniferma3914 Жыл бұрын
You must not wait for someone to change unless you're seeing change.
@sherriflemming3218 Жыл бұрын
@@dr.jenniferma3914 Well said and agree.
@netochidozie5528 Жыл бұрын
From personal experience you will be exhausted, heal yourself now.
@wf4983 Жыл бұрын
Dear Thais, what if the DA is ready to commit ... but you realize that he is going to use some of their coping mechanisms like putting the relationship down, searching for flaws, looking at beautiful women, pulling back emotionally. What if they only commit to to downsized version of a relationship?
@miradl7968 Жыл бұрын
Same question
@jjames2162 Жыл бұрын
Then you have to decide if you would accept those conditional behaviors and have your needs genuinely filled - or begin again by finding romance with someone who does not engage in those behaviors. Likely if you are asking this question, then a part of you already knows your needs can not be met this way. And you should remember that you can’t change other people or convince them to do the work
@miradl7968 Жыл бұрын
@@jjames2162 but will there really be that "perfect" person who will be healthy and securely attached and who is supposed to fullfill our needs? I mean i understand about interdependence and that we too should meet our own needs ourselves, but still don't we just have to accept things anyway in any relationship? Excuse my english
@jjames2162 Жыл бұрын
@@miradl7968 Hi mirad- here is the answer to that question: of course there will never be a perfect anything. However, when someone says what you said above, that’s what rationalizing looks like. It’s the wrong question you should be asking yourself. Life is compromise but when it comes to relationships, honesty with ourselves makes the difference. If it doesn’t meet your needs and it causes you distress, then the answer is likely that this isn’t something you can live with long term. And that’s OK! Life is also about new beginnings. Find the courage to spend your time on this planet with someone who you don’t have to justify or rationalize why you are together. Someone you can grow with. They won’t be perfect but you won’t mind because there will be mutuality and reciprocity. Who would want to spend their lives supporting their partner the whole time while feeling something important is missing?
@kathym.248 Жыл бұрын
Exactly, Wf. I know one like that. It's kind of an external committment without really committing inwardly. He kept a lot of his life secret and private while committed. I haven't listened to the video yet, but all of these things are not really being emotionally open or available orf really being willing to work on it. I swear the person I'm thinking of and he's almost said it, values what he does and what he has over even the closest people in his life.
@erxfav3197 Жыл бұрын
What ought to be talked about is bpd and other personality disorders and how many FAs may have it and don’t know. Attachment theory does not sufficiently inform about peoples psychological makeups esp for relationships.
@user-mr6ek3ij5s Жыл бұрын
We cant get beyond the "FWB" stage. As soon as we get close he runs and doesn't contact me for 4-6 weeks... he finally opened up to me a few weeks ago and I don't think I handled it correctly. I did not validate his emotions... He has been distance, extremely distant ever since.
@daniellehaythorne7949 Жыл бұрын
Wow. I’m more of a SA and less of a FA/DA/AA thanI thought I was. This is encouraging.
@joshuadamata Жыл бұрын
Wow I feel seen here. Emotionally felt AP but a lot my behavior/communication was consistently hitting these themes (whenever my AP side wasnt being triggered lol). Thank you for walking us through 🙏
@kongming66 Жыл бұрын
Feel the same hearing the Avoidant characteristics. I've just assumed I'm codependent/AP or whichever based on my insecurities, but I've also been accused of a lot of how DA/FA behaviors are described and know I have felt them. I'm 2 weeks broken up with someone who seemed VERY Avoidant to the point she ended things off a text fight she instigated, but the times she let the mask slip she said outright she honestly thought I could do better than her and was terrified of me moving on from her. I feel like AP/DA/FA are 2 sides of the same coin
@JackofWhitechapel Жыл бұрын
Not much of this made sense to me. I've never been able to understand dating but not being committed. I thought when you ask someone out you are saying you want to commit to them. Like this idea of not being exclusive when you're dating never made sense. Like if someone asks you out and then another night they go out with someone else, that's cheating because they were dating someone already. What if this whole concept of not being exclusive or not wanting to marry the person you ask out, is really just cheapening relationships? *edit* unless one person said they were polyamorous before asking the other out and both parties knew going in there was never going to be exclusivity
@TheNinjapancake14 Жыл бұрын
Interesting. To me asking someone out means wanting to get to know them. Because you don’t know them. How would you know you want to commit? And if they go out with someone the next day, that means they have interest and would like to get to know more than one person. The term “dating” is thrown around in different scenarios but deciding to be exclusive and commit to one person (if you’re monogamous) is dating/being in a relationship to me.
@JackofWhitechapel Жыл бұрын
@@TheNinjapancake14 I see where you're coming from, and in that regard, you're right. But, going on one date does not mean you are dating I guess. And at least to me, if someone you had a date with goes on a date with someone else after, that means they weren't interested, move on. Same if you go on a date with someone else after going on a date with the first person, you obviously weren't that interested in the first person and you moved on weither you acknowledge it or not. It does get messy when you start making physical contact with a person you are going on a single date with though.
@sally5256 Жыл бұрын
This is such perfect timing for me to hear. The scripts and the compassion and understanding to follow up the need is incredible! You are such a gift! I have learned so much from you. 🙏❤️
@fembot521 Жыл бұрын
Secure person in a long distance relationship would be amazing!
@sherriflemming3218 Жыл бұрын
I'm curious why in a long distance relationship. Secure people can be found where you live organically. Proximity creates continuity.
@paris3331 Жыл бұрын
Omg.. I've fallen for this man that is long distance that I've only seen once. It's one year later & we're both still playing the "acting like we're together" but not officially together game. I'm so tired. My self esteem is destroyed partially by my own doing by staying & pushing/pulling as an fa myself. We're both FAs with him leaning more avoidant. I know I'm partially the problem. Idk what to do & I'm going crazy. 😢
@SK-no2pp Жыл бұрын
Fantasy relationship. This will not end well for you
@paris3331 Жыл бұрын
@@SK-no2pp what do u mean??
@sherriflemming3218 Жыл бұрын
A primary cyber relationship is false intimacy and a fantasy if there is no serious committed plan to relocate and integrate each other fully into each of your lives. JA was in a LDR with his current girlfriend. They live common law.
@Annieqt Жыл бұрын
AP's I have met were ready to be exclusive and asking to be my boyfriend at the second date!!! I'm FA leaning secure and to me, the perfect timing is 2 months. Or at least, I want to feel that things are moving foward.
@Imanshaybani Жыл бұрын
Can you please create a video about immeshed DA? I’ve never heard of them before seeing your 4 types video and realized that I actually knew someone exactly like that
@Elle-om4dk6 ай бұрын
I knew I was in trouble when after 2 years having this type of conversation 3-4 times , I was being more explicit and his response was “I must not love him if I will leave” Both in our 60”s living 3 states apart. Madly in love no money issues No issues at all. I was naïve and believed he needed time due to previous bad marriages. Long distance together then apart. Perfect for him.
@dianasworld3015 Жыл бұрын
Damn. I wish I knew this a year ago. Better later than never I guess.
@TheAlixir Жыл бұрын
I’ve reached my threshold. It’s been 7 months. He doesn’t want to label us and only see each other Friday and Saturday nights. Text and talk everyday. I want more. How do I communicate this? I’m prepared to walk away if I need to.
@HoneybeeHearts527 ай бұрын
Thank you so much for the verbiage. I have the concepts but not always the words, as I'm healing myself. I appreciate this so much!
@roshalllambert Жыл бұрын
Woww I love the information provided here! Thais helps me learn things better than what I learn in my psychology course!!
@attilinatrujillo450511 ай бұрын
“Hey look u really been enjoying getting to know you I’ve had a great time theses past few months & im definitely in a place where I can see this going somewhere while I’m not saying this has to be an immediate decision I’m letting you know that I desire a commitment long term that’s the path I see this taking but I also value and care about my own time & so I don’t want to be investing w/o that intention in mind for the future if you’re not on the same page, so what I am needing from you is a confirmation that you also see this moving in that type of direction long term” if y’all wanna switch it up but here’s what she said
@sindyt1589 Жыл бұрын
This was SO needed right now, thank you so much for the script, I didn't realize that I'm a lot more secure than AP, especially, thanks to your phenomenal videos & care to these important relationships!! Blessings! 💜🙏🏽💯
@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Жыл бұрын
So happy this is helpful for you Sindy! :)
@hx1487Ай бұрын
If they won't commit after you've given them 1000 chances, the only thing you can do is walk away. Self-respect is important
@NenaFani-tr3sb Жыл бұрын
Thank you so much! Your content is always very useful to me! I was wondering is there any correlation between attachment styles and extroversion/introversion or 16 personality types? Thank you 😊
@bnatalie Жыл бұрын
It’s 2 months we broke up. Dated for 4 month. Total no contact now. Did your DA ever came back? Share your experience please 😢
@savleensur8670 Жыл бұрын
Yea we come back but why do you want that? They’ll just discard you again
@bnatalie Жыл бұрын
@@savleensur8670 Because everything was fine in general. I want him to come back, but of course rehashing the relationships. I keep total silence, he also though.
@steffiekensley8743 Жыл бұрын
Yes, he came back. He accidentally called me last fall and in the time we'd been apart - 7 years - I became secure. He's still unhealed and sounded worse than he was before. The ambiguity and mixed signals were insulting and after a few months, I could see the whole relationship was just not what I wanted. He said he was in love with me and always would be, but he continuously didn't show up even as a friend. It just wasn't reciprocal, respectable or acceptable behavior, so I ceased contact because it was bad before and even worse now. Life's too short to not be having fun, especially with someone who's lying to themselves about what's important in life.
@Natalie-rv6vw Жыл бұрын
Thais… THANK YOU!!! Thank you for your wisdom, time, and willingness to share this information with us! These videos and all of your content have truly been transformational in my life and sooo key in helping me to better understand myself and loved ones! I’m extremely grateful and wishing you and the PD School so many blessings and growth along the way! I can tell that you run your business in excellence and with high quality! Your continued success is beyond deserved and I’m surprised all of your videos don’t go viral lol 💜💛
@lynnmcdonald34013 ай бұрын
This is all way too complicated for me. I think of you have to think about things this hard you are REALLY overthinking things and just need to go it alone and meditate, pray and see how happy you get yourself by yourself without all this desperate stressing out which is REALLY bad for your health. This is certainly nothing to do with true love 🤣🙏🏻 Love yourself first and show yourself the proper amount of self respect self care and self honour, forget about needing another to be whole - just be fully you and see who you bump into next! ❤
@Msincredible346 Жыл бұрын
Great advice I needed this years ago but I have it now. Thank you
@janniskorn23788 ай бұрын
Very helpful and condensed information! Thanks a lot!
@sofi4148 Жыл бұрын
I'm SA and he's DA. I enjoy your videos and all the knowledge you give out. I have tried just about everything. Nothing works. He's nonchalant about it every time. We just reconnected after a little over a year of me going no contact. We're back to the same thing going in circles and him being non committal. It's been several years now. I'm at the point of convincing myself I'm not good enough for him.
@LeeChrissy Жыл бұрын
Try not to think you're not good enough for him. It's likely he's thinking that he's not good enough for you. This sounds similar to my situation with a DA and he has specifically said those words to a mutual friend that I'm going places and he's not and I'm going to be right and he's just coasting and he's better off with someone more like him. We went from situationship to relationship back to situationship and I'm ready to call it off indefinitely. We were friends for several years before we dated and we've both had awful past partners and we're severely wounded from it. We've talked about it a million times over the years. After dinner last weekend it's clear he's still too scarred and even the word relationship freaks him out. I love him, but I can't stay in the gray area anymore and I definitely cannot have yet another conversation telling him how much I see him in my future only for crickets in return. It sucks because we really love each other, but he needs to figure this out on his own. I've tried.
@SK-no2pp Жыл бұрын
Lol you are NOT securely attached. If you were, you would realize connection doesn’t mean compatibility. Instead you’re letting this man dictate your self worth. You’re not good enough for him? That’s the WRONG mindset. Ask if this person is meeting my needs? Do I feel valued loved and cared for? Why am I trying so hard with little results in return? Why haven’t I walked away? You have an insecure attachment style.
@LeeChrissy Жыл бұрын
@@SK-no2pp I had to reread her comment, but I agree with you. She actually sounds more like a FA.
@jenniferworden4497 Жыл бұрын
Your videos are extremely helpful!
@ShonnaMay Жыл бұрын
This is such good information!! ❤
@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Жыл бұрын
Glad you like it! ❤
@vtbhoward6 ай бұрын
It seems that 2.5 to 4 months is just too short of the time to get to know somebody well enough to truly commit to a person long term. I am curious to learn about the stats on this, and understand how 2-4 months was concluded for secures. I personally, as a secure, in my early 40's, don't see that I'd really get to practically know someone enough to commit to them. I'd say to definitely use the 90-day probation rules that jobs use to know if someone can be a good match. Still, 6 months seem much more like a good time to see if a relationship is a match for entering a ltcr.
@madelinec67548 ай бұрын
He does not want to commit. I think he just doesn't like me 😂
@learningearning838510 ай бұрын
Where was this 12 years ago? Stuck in the grey area for 12 yrs.
@mathews06186 ай бұрын
I dont know about timelines because i dont keep track of it but i base my investment on how things are going. I'm not quick to bail and will give the person an opportunity to resolve issues. If i see manipulation, i will see how they handle the new guidelines but typically, its done. Some people get defensive but do hear you and try so you cant just bounce. But healthy people give you feedback that you are heard. It should feel natural. There will be doubts and insecurities in the bond until its been proven to be reliable. Secure people are insecure too. The difference is that their emotional response is appropriate for the circumstance. And they will listen to that feeling and take action to correct it either in themselves or within a relationship. A secure person knows that ending a relationship is sad and will suck but its okay. If i am with someone then my life is exciting because i share. If i am alone my life is exciting because its unlimited. Just like having the craving to have a partner i also have the craving to be single. Thoughts and feelings aren't facts and you have the ability to dictate the path of your life by your actions. Relax, enjoy life and let things flow
@soma_life Жыл бұрын
Beautiful Thais thanks a lot for everything ♥️♥️
@user-tz1hl3pf2w8 ай бұрын
A commitment??? I have an online-only relationship with my DA! What do I do about that, Thais?
@mmatrax9856 Жыл бұрын
This is so good, great information!
@nicolasvankalck802 Жыл бұрын
This is well explained as always. Thank you !
@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Жыл бұрын
You're welcome!
@mybiggrin Жыл бұрын
Really could’ve used this video a month and a half ago. But it is what it is. Thanks for posting.
@jnfrspears Жыл бұрын
So, what do I do if I've been through all this, said "goodbye, wish you the best, seems our goals are not a match," and the person keeps trying to engage, like nothing happened, every month or 2, for years? Even if I don't respond ... at all. The person is definitely an avoidant, but maybe this is beyond insecure attachment. Is there a difference between trying to pull me into a situationship I've said I don't want and hoovering?
@JoyfulNomad81 Жыл бұрын
IMO it sounds like hoovering. As soon as you let them back in, they discard on their terms.
@tucky3191 Жыл бұрын
Communicate your expectations clearly
@sehven7th1 Жыл бұрын
I've been seeing a DA for about a year now, we have not been seeing other people. He lives an hour away and he does have a very, very busy schedule plus he's been in several very abusive relationships. I have been super patient with him. I don't want a lot from him and I think that's what has made it work this long, I asked him to just be sure to tell me if he changes his mind about me or if he wants to see other people. He said "okay". I'm an FA that has been moving more and more towards secure, I just about to the SA, where I don't take things personally and I am considering myself more often. What I am trying to figure out is what to say when I AM ready for more and how to frame what I say based on this script. Any ideas?
@christinemarriner10 ай бұрын
It makes me sad that I watched this now. I pushed my DA/FA away because of pigeonholing them for a decision at 4 months if we were going to work on a relationship or close our book. Please don't make that mistake that I did out of being anxiously attached or FA with AP.
@blackswan20209 ай бұрын
i feel like my DA took "I don't need an answer now but I'd like to know you see it moving in the same direction" as him needing to decide like right that minute anyway if he wanted to marry me xD
@starstern1077 Жыл бұрын
So good!!
@wulfclaw49213 ай бұрын
Can a fearful or Dismissive avoidant attachment style heal and become a secure ?
@twiththea53919 ай бұрын
The da, in my exp would turn you into an AP or FA unless you’re secure secure secure tho Like I was pretty secure but he kept dodging my questions But seemingly trying to keep the connection lukewarm Now I’m just a ball of nerves No contact now
@SS-in1ts Жыл бұрын
What his response is, “why don’t I matter more than your timeline?”
@learningearning838510 ай бұрын
Tell him that he matters however you biology says you have a limited time to make a family. (I waited 12 years for a DA to commit and now I’m too old to have kids).
@blixsnix7928 ай бұрын
I’m assuming this is for early relationship discernment, not mid-relationship or deciding whether to get back together?
@arankagionetti20986 ай бұрын
Im really ben enjoying getting to know you im really had a great time in the past few monts?????? The DA. know you are lie!
@Barbie4U28 күн бұрын
I feel like the secure person is threatening…. Their timelines, and preferences seem very….. bossy. Almost demanding
@gregorystinette8271 Жыл бұрын
Epic
@wulfclaw49213 ай бұрын
Will giving a DA something shiney to stare at help ?😅😅😅😅
@ANU-pz5bx Жыл бұрын
I was in a long distance situationship with this type of partner,He know what I want but didn’t giving me.I was loyal to him but he is not. I stopped talking to male friends in the department because of him but he is not doing it himself. A few days ago he wished the girl on her birthday by taking a separate single selfie with a girl.I blocked him for this reason. Is it possible to get what I want?
@savleensur8670 Жыл бұрын
This sounds abusive
@savleensur8670 Жыл бұрын
They both sound abusive for each other
@sherriflemming3218 Жыл бұрын
It sounds like a trauma bond.
@sonyacurtiАй бұрын
AP? WHAT DOES AP stand for???
@Stevie671 Жыл бұрын
When a secure dates a Secure and it falls over, who do they blame? They go, "wow we understood each other so well" Truth is , it was boring. Get out there and find an AP wanting growth and get value.
@highhigh_11 ай бұрын
Better "boring" than being in a dysfunctional toxic relationship. Secure isn't any other attachment style's savior.
@charlyemmalouise8929 Жыл бұрын
I am not a DA (I am secure leaning anxious) but if someone (anyone) had this conversation with ME (ie putting the time frame and saying they need to see things progression), I would most likely run for the hills. 😀🤷🏼♀️ Does anyone else (not identifying as DA) feel like they would react like this?!
@ineffige Жыл бұрын
is it like loosing attraction for you when this happens?
@charlyemmalouise8929 Жыл бұрын
@@ineffige yes, I would feel heaps of pressure and as though they have some agenda with me, and I would lose attraction very fast!
@ineffige Жыл бұрын
@@charlyemmalouise8929 this happened in my case. She was lovebombing from the beggining 7-8 calls a day etc. I knew she was going through hard times so I decided to wait till it ends and talk with her that we need more time apart as this would kill everything. She lost it before she did her thing LOL. She grew distant, I got pushy as I expect other person to say wtf is going on. Still trying to figure out wtf happened. I am not even sure she has FA, but if what she said about her life is tru it looks like this. Pleanty of meaningless short rrelationships, two serious ones but very short too. One question - did you ever regained attraction for this dudes? I went NC as lack of communication is deal breaker with me.
@charlyemmalouise8929 Жыл бұрын
@@ineffige yeah people with poor communication issues and lots of very fickle, short flings with people tend to go hand in hand! I have one of those at the moment 😂😂😂 his communication is probably the worst I ever experienced and it’s such a deal breaker. I am luckily leaving the place we are living so it always had an expiry date. And as for your question, nobody ever said this to me, but I know that if they did, I’d be scared off and would lose all attraction. For me it doesn’t tend to come back once the damage is done
@ineffige Жыл бұрын
@@charlyemmalouise8929 apologies but said exactly what? I never said to her I love her etc.
@ModusVivendiMedia6 ай бұрын
Your description of people being comfortable dating someone for months without any exclusivity just seems bizarre, terrifying, and thoroughly uncomfortable and unsatisfying to an anxiously attached person. (You use the word "commitment" but that's what I understand "commitment" as committing to. A relationship could involve spending more or less time together, and could of course be ended at any time by either party, but usually the one distinguishing feature that makes it a committed relationship is exclusivity.) Like that does not work AT ALL for me. How do people even do that? If I like someone enough to even want to continue taking the time and effort and spending the money to meet up and hang out with them, then I DEFINITELY do not want them seeing anyone else, period, after the first few dates. If I don't care about whether they are seeing other people, then I do not care enough to bother continuing to see them or getting to know them, at all, and wouldn't bother because I have lots and lots of better things to do with my time and energy, and would not care if I never saw them again. Also, I would conclude that they just didn't like me or vibe with me enough for me to bother with, if they're not sure pretty quickly whether they like me vs however many other guys better. Being in competition with a bunch of other guys is not my idea of a good time, when it's statistically improbable that I'm the best among those at just about anything. It just seems like an automatic losing proposition, accompanied by massive stress and unhappiness at a time that SHOULD be happy. This might work if people did not kiss or have sex with anyone until they were actually in a committed relationship, but when people are usually kissing on the first date and having sex within the first few dates, this not at all realistic to expect. It's not a prospect that leaves me in a position to even be a good potential partner to someone I actually like. I'm going to be stressed and jealous, ending up far more needy, controlling, or whatever else than I would normally be. This is why dating as usually understood in the modern world just does not work for anxiously attached people. They may try to participate in it sometimes, but it's like being in a scary, stressful alien world where they're acting (and trying to hold it in) most of the time and unlikely to have any success or enjoy the process. The only exception is if they just try to sleep with people they don't care about and then move onto the next person before they really start to care, but then it's a casual sexing market, not a dating market. It's not what most people really want, but rather what they use as a coping mechanism when they can't get what they want. Of course women on the receiving end of this don't end up getting what they want either, if they're also looking for people willing to work toward commitment. Anxiously attached people aren't going to stick around for long enough without exclusivity (or a lot of conflict and drama over the issue) to ever find that out. And the women will conclude that those people are just super antsy and anxious and insecure generally (or else douchebag players), when it's really just being in that particular situation that's triggering their insecurity. All the actual relationships I have been in started either by the woman approaching me, introducing herself, and essentially asking me out, or by us mutually (whether online or in person) figuring out we really liked each other BEFORE we even went on a date. That's what works for me. Dating doesn't, at all, without some expectation (unrealistic these days) of "no sex before commitment" or of just dating only one person at a time (say in a given month).
@phoenixinertia2 ай бұрын
I took Thais' advice at @12:25 😢 lol jk
@daniellehaythorne7949 Жыл бұрын
“X, Y, Zed?” I’ve never heard an American use the term Zed in stead of Z. Is this a new trend?
@loverofbeautifulthings Жыл бұрын
I believe Thais is Canadian.
@peteryang89916 ай бұрын
Why people feel the need for it to be a committed relationship is beyond me.
@mongoosemcgilakudy73325 ай бұрын
lol love how all of this advice is bend over backwards to cater to the DA.
@shugadaddy4841 Жыл бұрын
Ok DAs. Be careful who you date because unless they are SAs it will feel like you are having to constantly babysit this person and their emotions. It will feel like you are constantly having to say "yes I care" and will seem like you are being nagged. But remember to come out of your own head to spend time with them so they know that you actually do care
@RozelynParsons-sk9um6 ай бұрын
MJMont-fh8wv Wow, I really love this comment so much. It could very well have been myself who wrote that. I would like to think of myself as a secure female but think I’ve become AP due to my DA. I’m so not used to this, never heard of attachment styles until recently. I’ve been somewhat hurt by the avoidant behavior, but shown patience in trying to understand why on my own. Discovering this channel is helpful but kind of scary too… However, he is worth it, as you say, and is possibly the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. Best part is, he is 100% opposite in every way to my ex, who was most probably a narcissist, though was very expressive, haha. My DA is sweet, generous, sensible, smart, loving (in his own love language), and adorable. I’ve known him for over 3 years, seeing each other for over one year, and I do hope it works out; I think he does too.
@user-tz1hl3pf2w8 ай бұрын
A commitment??? I have an online-only relationship with my DA! What do I do about that, Thais?