THIS Exact Thing Makes Any Avoidant Want to Deeply Connect! 🤝❤️

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

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[@heyu123]

You’re spot on about DA wanting exact instructions as to how to meet our needs. And fear of asking to sound like they’re incompetent. That was one of the main issues of my last relationship. To me it’s something we’d figure out together, for him he’d rather I just tell him because of the discomfort of continuing the discussed. I now know how to navigate better in my next relationship ❤

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

That makes a lot of sense. Some DAs prefer direct guidance to avoid uncertainty, while others might resist it. It’s great that you’ve learned from the experience and know how to navigate it better next time!

[@johnnelson7192]

If 2 people are dating its only patience when your with them. Other wise make your life so great that weather they are around or not doesnt bither you, detach. Be secure about it. Be clear and concise with your needs, expectations and boundaries. Be ok with the hurt from moving. Dont be ok with the hurt of the anxious avoidant cycle.

[@evanwalkerPsalms328]

I hope my Wife comes back to me. I realize now what she needs. I know we had a deep connection and understanding. I miss her so much :(

[@monicacaliber3953]

Could you please do a video on how to distinguish an avoidant from “someone who is just not that into you”?

[@danielleh5804]

That's actually a good idea

[@shannonngai6607]

Either way, just move on. If they are DA and doing that behavior, they have a ton of work to do and you will definitely get hurt in the process. And if you're anxious or AP it can destroy you to the point of needing therapy to move on. Find someone who doesn't make you guess what you mean to them. You're worth it!

[@baldeagle5835]

After five years, the best advice is run away as fast as possible from a DA. They will suck the very life outta you.

[@r_and_a]

after *10+yrs* in private practice, 5yrs building pds plus marrying a DA, phd thais has more (imo far better) advice as well as factual info so hopefully you actually learn & work on your *own* personal development instead of just continuing to spread negativity about an entire group of people ✌️

[@figue_miraculeuxxx5452]

Hey Thais. I think your content is amazing and it has helped me navigate my journey with my avoidant ex and helped me not to take stuff too personal and heal my own anxious attachment. Thank you so much, I really think your work also puts avoidant people in a light of dignity as complex human beings (as we all are) through your compassionate understanding of the nuances of this kind of attachment without villainizing or even just judging them, which of course society is always quick to do. However I have a small suggestion : sometimes I do not know all the definitions or abbreviations in attachment theory, so I pretty much got lost when you started saying “AP” and “DA” (I suppose the latter is Dismissive Avoidant), but the former I have no clue even though I tried to google its meaning. I think it would be awesome if you’d use the actual term especially because there might be people who aren’t so familiar about those abbreviations. Keep up with your wonderful work ✨

[@r_and_a]

AP = anxious preoccupied (DA *is* dismissive avoidant & FA = fearful avoidant which is sometimes referred to as "disorganized")

[@figue_miraculeuxxx5452]

@ oh great. Thanks a lot !

[@davepenn9181]

The notion of "deeply connecting with a DA" is roughly logically equivalent to "winning the Kentucky Derby with a dachshund."

[@r_and_a]

a pro with 10yrs+ experience in private practice, working with thousands through pds & marrying a DA has far more credibility to discuss "deeply connecting with a DA" than a random account who claims to have been "Expanding the power envelope of ethanol-powered motorsports since 1985" & has left less than half a dozen comments here mostly complaining about DAs imo

[@pssstitsme6037]

Well put!

[@aigo000t]

I have never connected more deeply in my life than with that one DA. At the same time I always felt misunderstood and not seen by APs who loved to shame, dismiss your experience or ridicule (like what you're doing now).

[@r_and_a]

@aigo000t 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000%

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

It can feel that way if a DA isn’t doing any inner work. But when both partners are willing to grow, deeper connections are definitely possible.

[@danielleh5804]

Let's stop attacking the DA people shall we? Imagine them trying to learn about themselves on these videos and they come on here and everyone hates them. Why bother fixing yourself when the world looks like it's better when to put just stay alone? You guys. This is literally reinforcing that relationships aren't worth it

[@naddyn685]

Even when I reveal some mild negative emotions for example some recent health concerns of mine, my DA partner withdraws and doesn’t reassure or comfort me. He can’t cope with hearing any negativity. It’s hard work.

[@apelger8360]

My DA can't stand anything he perceives as negative either. I wonder what the background/rationalization is on that....

[@kaisa1476]

What is a bit ironic is that DA's can feel deep shame around their own inadequacies in relationships, and then practically every comment section in DA related videos gets filled with people shaming them even more. Doesn't really encourage vulnerability.

[@miradl7968]

Exactly my thoughts. The irony of life haha

[@miradl7968]

Thats how shadow works

[@r_and_a]

not a DA but absolutely would *not* want to be in a relationship with those shaming DAs in comments as they show they not only have as much (if not *more)* work to do as DAs but often seem even less aware & more resistant thanks to pds i can see i always preferred DAs & fellow FAs for all relationships, probably partly as they're purportedly the least likely to be narcissists (studies show APs are the most common type to be covert/vulnerable narcs 😬) people complaining about DAs in the comments actually increase my compassion, respect & preference for DAs as well as helps me feel more secure with my partner since i can see the sort of antics they tend to be subjected to

[@wg8859]

@@r_and_a Thanks for this :)

[@atmodlee]

@@r_and_athere’s no study anywhere that correlates a specific attachment style with NPD, and there are certainly no studies that show APs are more or most likely to have NPD. You literally pulled that out of your ass.

[@IevaSliogeryte]

That video actually had to start with worlds “If your avoidant partner is in therapy and willing to work on things, then you can so that and that… If your avoidant partner don’t work on his issues - switch of that video and run as fast as you can.”

[@naddyn685]

So true what you said about my energy levels (FA/AP) compared to my DA!

[@handerson-vl7df]

I am reeling from psychological abuse from an avoidant I cared about deeply. I have always been very cool and confident and never depended on anyone. I m now a nervous wreck. I asked him to stop and he s ok now but I wish I d asked him sooner to stop instead of thinking I could handle it as now I m very depressed and can only bear to meet him once or twice a month even though I miss him alot😊

[@sabrinabodden]

This is an interesting take because I am an extremely logical and levelheaded person, except when I am dealing with an avoidant. How can they expect us to not be emotional when they trigger such emotions by being so hurtful?

[@sabrinabodden]

I’m a fearful of avoidant, if that didn’t already become obvious.

[@sabrinabodden]

Also, isn’t it logical to include all information in a scenario on evaluating it. If you leave emotions out, you’re actually ignoring some of the premises of a logical equation. You have to consider facts, and emotions are a part of the story. If we don’t honor how we are feeling, and we aren’t really being honest, and that isn’t logical.

[@r_and_a]

logic + emotions = *"wisdom"* but it's widely accepted they're *separate* components, even with the regions of the brain involved (ie logic = prefrontal cortex & emotions = limbic system, especially the amygdala) similarly while we FAs share similarities to DAs, we're distinct from them so what *we* take as "hurtful" they might not & vice versa so just as *we* want them to take *us* into consideration, *we* need to do so for *them* ultimately it's up to *us* to take responsibility for & work on our *own* personal development, especially as FAs tend to be more hypervigilant & easily "triggered" than other attachment styles

[@katalinmcewan]

Just don’t bother. It’s a waste of time. Pretty much everyone I know who ever dated a DA ended up needing therapy. I’m SA and an empath. I would never date a DA even if my life depended on it. If you are an AP, run for your life. And save the money you are going to have to spend on therapy if you do decide to date a DA. Find someone who has a secure attachment style.

[@illumi_naughty_69]

also they may be going through their own shit and you can be understanding of that and hope they get better but it absolutely dosent mean you need to put up with their bs.

[@rajatpal1019]

💯

[@ThaiWithSarah]

If the DA is willing to do the work, that will be worth it. They have their own programs just like all of us.

[@youwereplayedrgeb]

just look at all the "healthy avoidants healing" comments, they are either in relationships with MORE avoidant people...or just gaslight. Proof is in the pudding.

[@rajatpal1019]

@ThaiWithSarah still very challenging and hurting. My ex was not taking any therapy or anything. Same patterns again. Good part is i got to know my attachment style and I started working.

[@Crescent_Moon_Rising]

The negative comments and hate that i read in these DA videos screams loudly why s DAs distant themselves in real life relationships. They feel attacked and misunderstood by you (the anxious) the dynamic shows often in the comment section.

[@kristy8805]

I recently had another conversation with DA about gift giving and he said gifts aren't practical for holidays and that he gives gifts when he sees something I'll need. Sounds fine but I still want him to make the effort. Want the connection!!

[@wg8859]

Maybe pay attention to other ways to feel connected? My DA never gave me gifts for any occasion. Guess he didn’t think much about connecting in that way… I think in my attempts to form connection , I listened actively and w empathy, not always using words but being present. I think his making a special meal, fetching a blanket when I was cold/ I interpreted those and other actions as loving gifts . I felt noticed and acknowledged. Just a little different take on gifting that happened to work for me……..

[@kristy8805]

@wg8859 I appreciate your response! There have been some recent difficult times that would have been soothed by a simple gesture,like a letter or gift. I was displaced for months during which time we didn't spend time or Christmas together. Connecting through these gestures would have encouraged me. I don't know why they find it difficult. He buys himself stuff all the time...

[@guineapigsarecute1118]

I am, leaning AP, and he is DA (although he doesn't seem to think so, as he believes I the one with issues). However, labels aside, I am the one who needs space in the morning and has issues with personal physical space. We are a semi-long-distance relationship. What I am trying to convey is that he tends to be so affectionate that it becomes overwhelming for me. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by all touching and physical closeness, but he seems to thrive on that. When we are apart though, he seems to thrive on minimal communication, but I will be more upset or sad if we don't have consistent communication, whether or through text or phone calls. I don't fully understand why it is this way. It's not that I don't like being physically close, but I feel overwhelmed by it sometimes. I grew up in a house where we never touched each other, and had huge amount of space between us, even sitting on the same sofa. I feel like sometimes we are coming from two different places, despite having similar upbringings. It's difficult to understand.

[@Watchingyourvideos]

10:28 Thais! The more I watch your videos, the more I notice your adorable laugh! It’s so quick and cute. 😊

[@downtnchatt9286]

I have watched many of these, and I can't help but get the feeling that the non-DA partner has to 'accommodate', 'take into consideration' and "understand' what the DA needs. Maybe that is due to the target audience for this video and others like it, or is it because it is unrealistic to really think the DA partner can 'accommodate', 'take into consideration' and 'understand'?

[@r_and_a]

it's because of the target audience, thais has repeatedly discussed how responsive DAs tend to be when they are approached in these ways from both her 10yrs+ in private practice & experience with pds

[@helpfulbitsandentertainment]

EVERY partner will need some form of accomodation but other groups of people are difderent in what those accomodations look like. These are just made to discuss a specific group of people's necessary accomodations.

[@sw4rmify]

Honestly DAs tend to be a lot of work based on what I’ve seen. No relationship is easy but keeping all these things in mind is just a whole new level

[@victoriabernhard1036]

I asked for maybe 3 hours a week to hang out and it was a ' no' too busy. Sad stuff. Im trying to just give it up. He says its wonderful being friends with you , but he isnt very nice as a friend many times. Just exhausting!

[@danielleh5804]

So I'm fearful avoidant. I've been working on it for quite some time and I used to think I wanted someone around me all the time. Boy I was wrong. I become very grumpy when I don't get alone time, especially in the morning and at least twice a week. I need to be alone in my thoughts to process things

[@allabouttheracks]

I appreciate you sharing that.

[@danielleh5804]

​@@allabouttheracks No problem. I know dismissive avoidant is different but there's still some similarities there I feel like. I definitely fit some of the DA stuff but I didn't used too

[@enderl5761]

Pls state DA or FA in the subject title!! It sucks to click then hear you just focus on DAs

[@veslielosius94]

Lord this is so much work as an FA(on the secure side) dating a DA. You need patient lots and lots of it, meditation will be key for you also. Sometimes I have to question myself to make sure I’m not Crazzy/delusional.😅

[@r_and_a]

personally find the dynamics with a DA, as an FA, naturally encourage & reinforce me becoming more secure (but i'm nowhere near it yet 🤪) & appreciate that we can understand so much about each other that many in the comments just complain about

[@atmodlee]

I was a FA but I’m secure now. It’s a lot of work to date anyone with an insecure attachment style. But I think it’s great that you’re heading toward secure. Keep your the good work!

[@veslielosius94]

@@r_and_a I love how you choose to really see the positive side of your relationship dynamic, this makes me feel like a support group for FAs Whoes dating DAs would be so beneficial.

[@veslielosius94]

@@atmodlee thank you so much( I honestly think that maybe dating another FA would be a good match sometimes 😅

[@r_and_a]

@@veslielosius94 it seems like there's almost an unofficial one in the comment section, lol, but agree a group like that would be really nice as find our dynamics & issues tend to differ from those of APs & DAs

[@TinaJohnson59]

Too funny, he is a Virgo on top of being a DA! Good Lord!

[@IevaSliogeryte]

Wow! My ex same wonderful combination 😂

[@bettysze334]

Same! 😂

[@rameshrameshchouhan]

i remember feeling like i was always the one fading into the background while others stood out effortlessly. it was frustrating and made me doubt myself a lot. then i came across this book, Magnetic Aura by Takeshi Mizuki, and it showed me things i’d never even considered. it’s not just a self-help book; it’s like a guide to understanding your own energy and using it to connect with people. if you’ve ever felt like you’re not seen, this book might change everything.

[@florentinaguggenheimer6557]

Thought I was dealing with a bunch of avoidant men, but I've accepted I'm a fearful avoidant and I'm phucked. I'm laying in bed like a loser and I don't care anymore.

[@wg8859]

Ouch.

[@ashesofamuse4062]

Same

[@GinnieKateCritters]

Why do you think you’re phucked? I’m so new to this! I think I lean FA.

[@anthonyditta6620]

Why the hell would anyone want to get a da to get attached to them to go thru all the bull shit that comes with them.

[@r_and_a]

plenty of reasons though idk why people would want to with those who go to material about specific groups of people just to leave negative comments about them 🤷

[@yashyt090]

there was a time when i kept wondering why some people seemed to naturally draw others in while i was just…there. no matter what i tried, i couldn’t figure out how they did it. then someone mentioned the book Magnetic Aura by Takeshi Mizuki, and i decided to check it out. the way it explains how your aura affects everything around you? it blew me away. it’s like having a secret code to unlock your magnetic energy. this book is a game-changer.

[@MagiciteHeart]

All the people in he comments talking crap about DAs in every video are liteeally a thousand times worse than dealing with an actual DA. Disgusting, petulant, entitled narcissists projecting their own lack of compassion onto these poor suffering people who need MORE understanding, not less. They are complete failures of human beings and their behavior is pathetic and shameful.

[@IevaSliogeryte]

It’s you putting diagnosis as strong as narcissists on people who most probably survived avoidant abuse and discard and still trying to watch that videos and understand WTF happened in their lives. Are you aware that severe avoidants are abusive, it’s new book “avoidant abuse” and some therapists already talking that they might be even intentionally doing hurtful things. Many of those people in comments were absolutely secure and loving partners, but after avoidant abuse became anxious - that experience for most cost their emotional, psychological and even financial well-being.

[@MagiciteHeart]

@IevaSliogeryte Avoidants are avoidant, not abusive. PERIOD. Your anecdotal experience is irrelevant. You are simply proving my point further, that yall don't know what an avoidant actually is and your are demonizing perfectly good people because you are too entitled and lacking in self-awareness to examine your own lack of compassion. You are just saying random crap without any sources, quoting some "book" you dont rven name, and generally just acting like the everyone else has to conform to YOU. You know, exactly like the narcissists i called out in post. You are the problem. Get out of my face.

[@IevaSliogeryte]

@ It’s a book “Avoidant Abuse: The Abuse Technique of The New Age' by Rhea Khan. Many therapists and coaches talk about that: Ken Reid, coatch Ryan and many others. I’m secure attached, invested a lot and still investing a lot in my understanding about psychology and attachment styles. The way you are projecting even not knowing anything about me and other people here and that rude and insulting tone screams about insecurities and internal pain… I don’t say avoidants bad people in general, just if they are not fully healed they are not relationship material and can mess up other people life a lot.

[@MagiciteHeart]

@IevaSliogeryte From my perspective you are the one projecting. I have been in intensive therapy for decades for a severe dissociate disorder I acquired from narcissistic abuse and CSA. I am also securely attached, after many years of painful healing. Everyone i was with before my current partner was highly narcissistic, two were sociopaths, and all were very abusive on one fom or another. My own mother SA'd me daily. So I know i thing or two. My current partner is a DA,and is the first person in my entire life that ever saw me for me and understood me and did not scapegoat me. She was the first person to ever tell me yo take care of myself, the first person yo actually get mad at me and challenge me for my negative self talk that I had internalized. She helped me and loved me when no one else in this world would and literally saved my life. I don't care about some book or name dropping so and so, that is an appeal to authority fallacy, and you are incorrect. Other sentient, independent, complex humans being not conforming to your idealizatiom of them is not "abuse". Again, you are placing all the blame on them and totally refusing to look at your own glaringly obvious lack of compassion. You are doing the EXACT thing you are accusing them of, you hypocrite. To see you sit here and talk crap about the best person I've ever met in my entire life pisses me the hell off. You think people dont deserve love and understand unless they are already fully healed? Who is going to heal them if everyone thinks like that. Who the hell do you think you are? Zero nuance or critical thinking here. You're just emotionally lazy and refuse to admit it. If you think your poo dont stink, you're the problem, not the DA. Again, get out of my face.

[@Warrior_Princess_1111]

​@@IevaSliogeryte Ken Reads? Seriously? 😂😂😂 That fake therapist who outwardly shows his hatred and disgust towards avoidants? I wouldn't put all my eggs in that basket. He's not well and clearly biased. I sat through a video of him reading this book and calling the examples given abuse is absurd. Avoidants drum to their own beat and have a way of living and operating and people come along and throw a hissy fit when their avoidant partner is not adhering to social "norms" and then calling it abuse. Ken Reads excuses toxic anxious behaviors towards their avoidant exes. He did an entire video on it. There are plenty of level headed KZbin creators who are much more professional and less biased.

[@pete69696]

If your empath dont waste ur time with a bpd or npd. Theres absolutely no hope

[@r_and_a]

not with npd but bpd (when doesn't co-occur with npd) improves so consistently there was debate about reclassifying it before the dsm-v - funny how many claim to be SA or an "empath" yet appear to lack empathy & often even self awareness 🤷