4 Confusing Text Message Patterns Of Dismissive Avoidants | Texting Patterns

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Conflict Resolution: Speaking Up & Steps to Healthily Resolve Relationship Challenges
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In this video, I talk about 4 confusing text message patterns of dismissive avoidant attachment style.
Have you sent one of these messages? what are the needs underlying this type of communication?
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[@Nellylly]

I have never felt more understood in my entire life😂😂

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

As a DA, right? :p

[@Nellylly]

@@lifecoachingtoronto Yes 😁

[@jip230]

Yes, I'm a DA female currently in therapy and I've done all of these things for the motives outlined in this video

[@TheCoffeeCat]

So, in a nutshell, DA's are always feeling pressured, the idea of being in the presence of another person is stressful and they try their best to avoid having any plans with anyone, but at the same time they were built with romantic needs, that just don't go along with their personality and need for space and aloneness.

[@ZhengSW]

I’m journaling this. Well said. Thank you!

[@b.boston8529]

@AliSand this gullible therapist is totally missing the boat on how narcissistic or selfish, self-centered, and manipulative the person doing this can be. They can be opportunists of convenience, as well. They don't like to commit and won't be honest about it. Yes, they were likely raised, or rather modeled for by narcissists and they exceed them in being dismissive-abusive jerks. Yes, they are controling. This is not always the intention or reason, but innocent people who are avoidant can end up with a narcissist more likely because they think it is a good fit, they are willing to understand, but then they end up with a selfish abuser who never wants to spend time with them, is aloof, and looks outside the relationship for escape and entertainment.

[@NickieNicole6]

@@b.boston8529 if you don't agree with her then just stop watching her videos and keep your comments to yourself. What is the point of insulting her because your opinion is different? Did that make you feel better? You can agree to disagree with someone, make your point, and not insult or call someone a name. You should try it. 😉

[@karinteeples9715]

@@b.boston8529 This therapist is married to a DA so she is not missing the boat at all. She will not attack or demean ANY personality disorder on this page, and by not doing that, shows her integrity.

[@b.boston8529]

@@karinteeples9715 I am saying that there are also dismissive avoidants who are predators and that therapists often miss that, just like their innocent partners do when we try to honour them as individuals and don't realize they are abusers. It is often people who can identify and who accept differences and are compassionate who get taken advantage of, abused, or end up in abusive or deadly relationships. Therapists try to help us understand each other and it is important they acknowledge or are aware of the abuse and advantage taking that can occur when one person thinks the other is a good fit, they are on the same page or they think they understand them and the advantage taker person finds this convenient and sees the soon to be victim as a pushover and a fool. One is doing this because of genuine struggles and the other may have those same struggles but they will turn around and predate on the other without remorse.

[@nappyfries]

I have a DA that did all of this. Too frustrating and confusing and I’m pretty patient with people. Plus my abandonment wounds are triggered being ghosted and it was too much for me. He’s a good guy but I don’t have the time or patience for that .

[@beckym8245]

Same.

[@ashleyc3307]

Same!!! The ghosting totally messes me up. I tried explaining that and gave up.

[@nappyfries]

@@ashleyc3307 I told mine that & he legit tried to do better & even told me when he couldn’t respond or why he hadn’t but that was few and far between & I just needed more.

[@Rev.Danica]

Super real. Agreed.

[@blessed4500]

Did you leave him? If so do you regret it now?

[@justinejackson1409]

At this point, it’s mental illness to try to sustain or create a relationship with a DA 😂

[@hspinnovators5516]

Yep! Why secures leave

[@777-h6n]

Omg😂

[@magy321]

This entire video was so triggering. Man, it is so painful to be on the receiving end of this when you really love a person who does this. I wonder if DAs are aware of how much they can hurt someone with these patterns. I really wish my “ex” DA the best in life. My love for him really wants him to find happiness. I’m still sad that he just didn’t let me love him.

[@LYoung-et2sg]

Same same same 💔

[@ew1258]

I feel you.

[@SK-no2pp]

He has to love himself

[@ew1258]

@@SK-no2pp agree but if you ask the DA they will say they do. At least in my experience. However really listening to things they say you can tell they may not

[@suzanne4396]

Especially when they're a DA Malignant narcissist, and they're doing it Intentionally to hurt you & cause anxiety. And then after 8 years, say " that's life deal with it."

[@ZhengSW]

The more I learn about DAs, the easier it is for me to accept they are terrible partners unless they acknowledge they need to work on themselves with the tools from PDS

[@keller1334]

This right here. The only reason I even know about DAs is because my ex, at the time girlfriend said she thought she had this. Then she proceeded to do nothing to work on it even though I said I would work with her and even pay for therapy. We all have traumas, it's not working on how we pass that on to others that makes someone a bad person.

[@therandomdude7347]

@@keller1334EXACTLY MY SITUATION

[@CherelleAllen-w6c]

I don’t think DA are bad partners I think they are low maintenance people and they don’t really know how to value themselves but they want to seem like they do

[@CherelleAllen-w6c]

So they definitely have a hard time valuing you

[@beckym8245]

It's impossible to know if they're a DA or just not interested in you. Too much for a sensitive person to bear. I've tried the picking up on their behaviours rather than their words but it always seems to go wrong. Best thing is to just stay away from these types for my own sanity.

[@allaboardthegravytrain5987]

This is exactly my thought. I think it’s just a person who’s not that interested or attracted.

[@anzelaiv]

I can SO relate to this having close DAs in my life. Getting direct clear information out of them is next to impossible. On one hand, it is endearing and good to understand why this happens, on the other, you constantly have to push for clarity and take on extra responsibility in making choices for both, just because the other party doesn't communicate well. I wish I had a better handle on this.

[@grawakendream8980]

its bullshit

[@sethtenrec]

“Endearing” is just another word for annoying.

[@thatsnotmyname2798]

Constant push for clarity- I get that.

[@namaste348]

When will you all realize that chasing after a DA is pointless. Leave them be! There's billions of other ppl on earth that outwardly want love and connection. Life is too short to chase after ppl that don't want you or don't have the capacity

[@lisa4cohen]

Amen 🙌🏻

[@Borboleta1212]

I wholeheartedly agree!

[@whatwereinto4506]

you got that right ! They will break your heart and you will not understnd why

[@leahr9038]

True

[@kellymummert7921]

Agree 💯. I watch these videos and marvel at how often the term “endearing” is used. I see nothing endearing about DAs at all, just a whole lot of work with a person who will flat out forget you exist when they no longer have any use for you. Too much heartbreak for me!

[@gregwriezener9693]

I strongly resonate with the vulnerability hangover. As an AP I would highly recommend you give a DA space after any kind of vulnerable conversation. Do not follow up with any kind of validation/reassurance seeking after said conversation or sadly you will be dumped. Speaking from personal experience, the hurt is beyond fathomable and if I could take it all back I would but hey who wants to live walking on egg shells? Not me

[@howdybruvva]

Gosh I feel this so strongly. I also thought I didn't want to walk on eggshells so got impatient. But nope the pain is too unbearable, give me a time machine. Maybe I could have walked on eggshells for a bit longer 😭

[@arvindks4986]

You just wrote my life 😢

[@MrP-kw3lf]

Same thing happened to me fam. Had an amazing night where my DA ex told me things she had never told a living soul. She was detached and aloof the next day; I took it personally, and blew up the next night and was dumped shortly thereafter. 24 hours from deep revelations to dumping. Deeply regret misplaying it, but if you have to play perfectly 100% of the time with zero grace, what kind of relationship is that?

[@arvindks4986]

@@MrP-kw3lf there’s was not even an indication for a break up there and one find morning it all ended. Blocked everywhere

[@keshavadasa]

​​@@arvindks4986I actually did that to my DA because I simply could not bear the continued ongoing pain of being so disregarded repeatedly. We hadn't spoken to each other for 5 days. I was on my annual 3 week vacation and he was finishing up the book he was writing and busy on his new job. The space at the time was fine, given the circumstances. But one day I saw his activity on Instagram, liking this post, that post and the other post. Not spying, just happened to see he was actively engaged online. Then when I saw him like a couple of pictures from my vacation in our WhatsApp thread, meaning he was online on WhatsApp at that moment, I texted him and asked, "How's the book coming?" Simple! That text was sent in the afternoon. By 1:00 in the morning there was still no answer. I knew he had gone to sleep without replying to me. I knew he had read my text and had simply chosen not to reply but go to bed after no communication for 5 days. On one hand that sounds like nothing, not much of a reason to break it off, but the continually recurring pattern of being disregarded by him, ignored, not prioritized, and made to feel that he could take me or leave me in countless different ways over a nearly two-year period, that is why the unanswered text was the straw that broke my camel's back. I didn't need him to write me a novel in reply or to respond to my text immediately. But a simple acknowledgment like "Still busy" or "Talk soon. Took a short break," - something, ANYTHING, would have been fine. Instead he chose to disregard my question and my interest in him and his book altogether. Of course I now regret acting so harshly and impulsively, but I stand by my reason for doing so. I needed to prioritize myself by stepping away.

[@sharonb519]

And that is exactly why people make my brain hurt. 🤯

[@TV-wy1py]

Main take-away: if you're dating a person with these patterns of communication, you need help! Clearly, this person is emotionally unavailable..it's pointless to continue any connection w/ them. Reciprocity!! If it's not there, keep it movn.

[@indigodp7]

Thank you ❤️‍🩹🙏

[@christinadonnelly781]

So basically they want to do none of the effort for a relationship right away. Huge red flag. Yikes .if I am having to work to understand all communication from a potential partner then nope. It makes me realize the whole relationship is going to be work for me

[@garfieldlaut1348]

this is not endearing, its painful just hearing this, DA yeah sure but lets not condone bad manners! a simple call to cancel should not be beyond the mental reach even for these attachment styles.

[@GG17250]

I just can't deal with DAs..rudest breadcrumbing ambiguity people. If you can't directly communicate I'm out!!!!!

[@rsamuels6969]

I matched with this guy who seemed so great- instant connection, deep conversations. He said on a Sunday “I can’t wait to meet you!” And I told him “just let me know the time and place”. Thursday rolled around and nothing. I (to practice communication) asked about it and got a vague answer. By Friday I told him not to worry about it- and he acted confused. I realized he was not interested enough and I deserved someone who was ready to foster a connection could make plans to meet IRL- and I was able to express this! Was a great lesson for me!

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

Very nice! :)

[@rsamuels6969]

@@lifecoachingtoronto thank you! I second guessed myself for a second (recovering FA) but I realized that I deserved someone who could back up their words with actions. And if it was this tough to set up a first date then the relationship would’ve been so hard! 😅 this was my first time doing this ever!

[@seek2793]

I was in a similar scenario but was told by the DA I'm reading too much into it and that there was no expectations to meet...go figure

[@rsamuels6969]

@@seek2793 so strange! I was totally confused at first but decided to stay in my reality- that people go on dating apps bc they want to MEET people in real life! But in the end it didn’t matter what he said/wanted bc I knew what I wanted/deserved. So it was easy to stay in my reality and walk away. This was my lesson (big time) to look at peoples actions NOT their words

[@rsamuels6969]

@@seek2793 I decided DA’s are not going to be healthy for me to date- as I’m healing from my CPTSD the hot and cold from a DA reminds me too much of my childhood wounds. I finally woke up to realize I deserve a connection and will look out for people that can give that willingly. No more settling for mind games/confusion!

[@olawes4985]

If ap can work and become secure why da can’t do the same , we always finding excuses for them, they act like kids so maybe it’s time for them to grow , put some work and become secure as well

[@jeanvanhollebeke8857]

This one made me laugh so hard because this was exactly what is was like for me texting with a DA. I don't feel as hurt after learning the reasons why!

[@sushisam3010]

I called my DA and told her their behaviors were toxic. At the time it hurt a lot to hear these things that Thaís said in the video, but now... DAs are so complicated. I don't even know whether to apologize and extend my hand.

[@CynthiaYarbrough]

No way! That #2 example IS a huge jerk. A selfish, cowardly jerk! That is a signal to run away from this toxic, narcissistic person and don’t look back.

[@MangoOasis97]

DAS: cowards, mean, inauthentic, can't communicate....

[@Jdotrhh]

Don't have the energy for a DA

[@wellcorp1616]

I am a recovered DA. Massive childhood trauma, don’t talk don’t trust don’t feel was my mantra. What specifically broke the pattern in me was despising shame. Shame is the lynchpin that kept me stuck. Jesus changed my heart with his unfailing love.

[@matthewmckee561]

AMEN!

[@FrankM]

Thank you for these examples. Now I know what to lookout for in order to avoid the dismissive avoidant.

[@carmenchapa1]

🤣🤣🤣 DA's aren't for everybody.

[@ZhengSW]

Avoid them like the plague. If they ask you why you suddenly left, tell them, "you're an avoidant and you need to work on yourself".

[@FrankM]

@@ZhengSW Wow, dismissive avoidants actually reach out and want to talk? Not my experience.

[@ZhengSW]

@@FrankM They do not reach out and do not want to talk. I'm saying if a DA actually does, don't fall for it!

[@harrycrowe7557]

@@carmenchapa1 DA's and FA's are for NOBODY!!

[@ColeSha33]

Is it me or does it seem like a lot of excuses for someones shitty disrespectful behavior and treating people poorly. Cant we just say Dimissive avoidant people tend to treat people they actually might care about poorly, and often use people for their own self center gratification. I hear that they do this somewhat subconciously, but still, they accidentally treat people like they arent valueable.

[@gala2103]

I am here with you. It's all explanations and overall ways to accommodate someone who legit treats you poorly and inconsiderate. I mean, wtf? Let's justify abusers. They have their reasons, too, you know.

[@waterlilynymph]

Oh and the ghosting patterns is a real mindf***. I love my DA at a distance but this has been my life for two years. Thank goodness I am now starting to learn about DAs. Random text: Him: “I love you so much. I miss you.” Me: I love you too and miss you. How have you been? Him: then silence for days It leaves me in this fog state, where I truly don’t know if I can count on this man for anything any more. Really sad too because we would have had a really honest and deep connection, but I guess that’s why he runs. 😂 I am trying no contact now after telling him we need to take a few months to see how we still feel about one another cause I don’t want to keep ignoring one another. Wish me luck lol 🍀

[@pekoml3999]

Hey girl, any update ?

[@socol76]

Did you guys ever reconnect or was it just easier to stick to no contact

[@vanessaG275]

I am sorry but that's when I walk away. If a man does not have the manners of a man to reply back I don't give a rat's ass. It's over. Yes I will miss him but I will have my pride .

[@MannyKeith]

being on the receiving end of this type of behavior from someone is the absolute worst. thank you for explaining this so clearly!

[@Elaine-uc4un]

They sound like far too much hard work

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

Real life example of the feeling minus the fears with texting. They text you because there's some feelings, then you text back and they get scared. They wait a few days to recalibrate themselves then text back. I would love to hear DA's experience doing this and what they thought & felt through it (if you feel comfortable) :)

[@mariaa3338]

@@MoneySoul ROFL - thank you! This absolutely made my day. I'm still laughing :)

[@SK-no2pp]

@@MoneySoul what a beautiful analogy

[@TheRealSlimshadyyyyyy]

Wow, very well said.

[@spigney4623]

In order to socialize i have to muster up a lot of mental fortitude, so recieving a text is like someone asking me to drop everything and do 10 pushups.

[@flexcapazitor1940]

DA’s get such a bad rap. I always hate reading the comments on these DA videos…. Its a coping mechanism, not intent to harm. (Although I realize NOW, how it has can be hurtful). For me, it IS totally about the fear. I feel eager to connect. But when faced with reality, get flooded with self-doubt. Is it what I really want? Do they REALLY want to spend time with ME? Are they just trying to be nice? There is a huge level of idealism too. Will I live up to their expectations? Will they live up to mine? Sometimes it’s easier building a fantasy that stays in the head, instead of risking being let down in reality. “Recalibrate” is a good word. It’s like getting warmed up to the idea, or processing all the things.

[@Ben-ru9ju]

Ahh…Bob is at it again! 🤣

[@priscillaestrada2742]

2 months after no contact, I reached out to my DA friend fully accepting they will either ignore it or leave it on read. At the 3 month mark, they sent my a sole picture of a job opportunity. I was so confused lol but tried not to overthink it because I've been working on how I allowed myself to fall so deep into a DA dynamic. I used to be pretty secure and since we've been distant, I've been so much better and I know better, too. They told me let's take things one thing at a time but it's pretty vague so the indirectness is still prevalent. But this time, I know better and know when to remove myself because I'm here but I'm not necessarily waiting around. So your client sending a picture of tennis balls really hit for me. I was def confused. Lol

[@2010lifeisgood]

I feel seen 🎯 I finally surrendered and accepted the fact I’m never gonna get a direct answer. And I have a little more compassion for him and myself. I decided to continue my grieving process and let him go and wish him the best ✌🏽

[@indigodp7]

I feel the same. 🤕❤️‍🩹

[@kingskand]

Gosh these videos are timed perfect. My DA has been exhausting me. He has done all.... But we're not dating. So it's weird. 1) I get the texts of a random picture, no explanation. I will reply, saying "nice pic!" And then crickets.... 2)I was going to attend a convention. He initially asked when I plan to be there and to let him know. In the meantime, I don't take them serious. (Due to past actions of hot/cold.) Then on day of convention HE was there, he's like "where are you?" but didn't ask when I would be there....which was 2 days later. This tells me he didn't put any real importance. 3) He learned I'd be in town and was pinging me, without me starting convos, about all the cool things to do there...tours and restaurants, etc. Asked when I'd be there. But made no effort to make a connection. Maybe they were waiting for me to ask, but no! 4) Definitely intermittent ghosting, but shows up every two weeks to insert themselves. I could almost set a calendar to it. It's so weird. As a FA, I try to match effort, and I like my space, too, but overall it's wasting my time. If you don't want anything from me, just ghost until forever. Thanks. Meanwhile, I don't want to feel like the bad guy to do the blocking. Just remember in every situation *I* am not the first one reaching out.☹️

[@indigodp7]

Wow, I feel you are describing my situation, it was the same and I didn't want to be the one who walk away and I ended up getting hurt cuz he was the one Walk away 😔.

[@kingskand]

@@indigodp7 I feel your pain. I have finally got distance from my DA but it was hurtful during and after. God speed.

[@TheMsSepi]

Wow. I can relate too, mine hadn’t left. Very long description but I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels crazy! lol

[@haileys5371]

Thanks for this video. Confusing or endearing when you dont know the psychology behind a DA, simply works out to being toxic, damaging, hurtful, traumatizing! It is very confusing trying to figure out where you stand with such a person, if they are simply a narcissist and if the good you see is pretend and the toxicity the real them. Is the coming back hoovering? The honeymoon phase love bombing? The difference between DA and Narc seems to be just their intentions but we can't be sure who is who because we cannot read minds. DA's need to understand how much damage they are inflicting on others and do the work to heal themselves.

[@NatalieBrannon]

DAs like the chase period! They can only do this with ppl who play the game back! Its always going to be the thrill of being in control but with a strong minded person they have no control. Aint nobody got time for that!

[@banshee3749]

Haha, I, as dismissive avoidant, thought first "what a crap, I never sent such shitty messages". but then I tried and did remember that I actually did it. not very often, but occasionally. Tha last time was three weeks ago. I was missing my lover, I wanted to see and meet him, but I wasn't sure if he was to be available. So I only sent him on FB messenger hearts, every day a different one💘💝💖💗💞. 😂

[@chrissysconvos]

Haha sounds like me. It's not funny itself but I can relate. I can't handle feeling smothered or even fathom it but letting someone know I care but not overdoing it so I stay away. It's so ridiculous but ,my terrible caregiver and a host of traumas have made me like this. I want to be better

[@fleecejohnson6939]

You said you don't do that... yet you did it less than 3 weeks ago... yeah you're a psycho

[@banshee3749]

@@fleecejohnson6939 And you are one judgemental jerk that doesn't even know the meaning of the word psycho. And also doesn't know how to read. I wrote "First I thought...". 🙄

[@violetlune72]

Can you do one for fearful avoidant types? I’m curious to see if there’s a difference. Thank you!! 🙏🏻💜

[@gloriabartolome3123]

i think she mentioned in one of her videos that FAs tend to write deep meaningful texts, usually long to avoid any sense of confusion and because they tend to look more for intimacy than a DA.

[@tuca3434]

I'm a very strong FA. My subconsous patterns are to go several months without seeing any of my close friends, yet when im around them, I have close to 0 boundaries. When i'm avoiding people, I dont ghost them. This because my anxious side makes me want to invest in every attachment relationship, even if I cant be present because of my avoidant. I dont know if its just me, but even if im very avoidantly triggered and it takes me a week to open a text, unless I dont believe theres a chance for our relationship, I will be putting that text on hold, to respond as soon as I feel better, and keep investing, starting by giving an honest and caring explanation about why I have been so absent in the relationship. Im assuming most FAs are the same in the sense that they might not be able to be present, but they will put in the effort in one way or another in order to compensate and keep you around. DAs will never compensate because their selfish lifestyle does not include considering other people's experiences. The little they give is a reflection of their human fear of abandonment, and it will never resemble how much an FA cares, because the FA pretty much always prioritizes connection, even if they dont feel ready to be present at that certain time. If the FA is simply ghosting, and is barely giving anything, like DAs usually do, it's because they are legit uninterested, while if the DA does it, it doesnt mean anything because you will have no way of knowing wether they are uninterested or simply afraid. FAs tend to be very transparent, to the extent that they can. (literally the opposit mechanism of DAs) Hope that explains your question

[@replaygeorge]

@@gloriabartolome3123 I can relate to that (as a FA), I tend to write a lengthy text, not to ramble, but to be sure I communicated properly. And the DA always keeps it short, like I write a full screen if there is something important to me or like a catching up text, while the DA would reply usually to the last idea in the text using one or two lines at best. And I know they care, it's just their way. BUT! I don't ghost or breadcrumb, I hate when others do it to me, it triggers me and wouldn't do it, unless someone really offended me and I don't want to continue the talk and the relationship.

[@gloriabartolome3123]

@@replaygeorge it's terribly frustrating to receive only a few words in a text!! i really hate it. Now i barely answer more than a few words to them. I no longer waste my time.

[@meagandekkar6377]

All the DAs should move to an island and date themselves. Why should the rest of us walk around on eggshells and kiss their rears? Everyone faces the risk of rejection and must deal with criticism. A lot of us have had a traumatic childhood - time to get healing & stop using other people or just withdraw from social interactions. I’m glad your amused, Thais- I’m certainly not.

[@timobrien2738]

Id guess that most DAs don't know how flawed they are. I feel alienated and hopeless when it comes it intimacy. Even before discovering attachment theory I came to my own conclusions that I couldn't pursue a relationship because I couldn't handle the loss of freedom. I don't want you to walk on eggshells around me or "kiss [my] rear", DAs aren't narcissistic or self important. It sounds like you've had a bad experience with someone like this and you're letting that, coupled with these videos, drive you towards disdain.

[@Cl-ue7wn]

I am SO thankful for her videos. Every single one of them is making me understand SO MANY confusing moments i went through with a DA. Basically what excuse them from being called a**holes is that they do a**hole moves, but unconsciously. 🥴

[@tuca3434]

The problem with that argument is that DAs dont always act in asshole manners subsconsciously. DAs have a positive view of self and negative view of others. They arent just critical and condescending when they are triggered, they most likely have very much consciously selfish and self inflating values. It's not that the DA will simply forget that your experince is suposed to be as relevant as theirs, it's that they literally don't see a reason to take your experiences into consideration, unless they take interest in you. When someone builds their identity under the unfortunate self demeaning circumstances that would create avoidant attachment styles, they literally have to focus on themselves and be as tough as possible, in order to perform by themselves in competition to people that actually attach. This means that if they are going to play by themselves, they literally have to be better than other people in order to compete. ( this is the portion that happens subconsciously) the problem is that very quickly does this mechanism turn conscious when it's influecing them for a life time. You will see DAs expressing this need to be better than other people over their arrogance, need for ascencion in the social hierarchy, the physical proof for their achievements and social recognition. They live their lifes perpetrating the "im good, you are bad" world view in every aspect and this is obviously a very adaptive mechanism in a capitalistic patriarchy, for example, when social merit and power is everything. Why dont avoidants change overtime by themselves? Why dont they seek therapy? because just like narcissism, its adaptive for their inauthenthic, self inflated lifestyles to hold themselves in higher ground. DA's arent a beast of their own making, but the refusal to seek help is unacceptable because they literally DONT WANT to see a reason to change. Accepting change means something is wrong. Accepting change means they are just like other people and not better then them. Their ego lies in self-inflation, unconsciously in origin and consciously later. They dont always ghost you out of fear. They feel like they deserve to hold the power in the relationship. Thais never said this is fully unconscious. In all the aspects of the video, the focus is on their self-preservation, REGARDLESS of the other party. If you really understood this video, you learnt that their own fear will ALWAYS be more important than your pain. This is a matter of power. They will not give it up. I am yet to see one DA relationship, where they dont at least think they are in charge. I honestly hope my idea of DA attachment is unrealistic, and just the product of unfortunte experiences of mine with them. But I am yet to be proven wrong, and I do investigate daily.

[@sethtenrec]

@@tuca3434 super post, criminally under-viewed on here!

[@smonaful]

It's a tragic comedy all around, once you understand the 360 of it 🥴

[@sharonb519]

💯

[@lisa4cohen]

Truly … humor makes u feel less sad or confused but I am so happy I’m FA leaning anxious .. I feel my feels out loud

[@jennie22.02]

this is so helpful 😭 especailly when you're a bit more socially inexperienced or on the spectrum

[@CrimsonWave89]

It all boils down to communication issues.

[@miniharez]

god, they are literally THE WORST people to meet. got involved with one and now i know what to look for to never again😅

[@kathyclaudiochandler]

Just not worth it unless they have worked with a therapist and can acknowledge that they have patterns that can hurt others, and that they don’t have I’ll intent. Otherwise you are in for a road of tears, confusion and self doubt. We live in a day that we have to be aware of our hurtful behaviors and the ability to break cycles. If there is no effort to get some kind of assistance to break these patterns, run do not walk and block.

[@garfieldlaut1348]

totally agreed this kind of behavior is not acceptable.

[@thecanadianrealestateshowc3554]

These people are very shy and have severe trauma, show them love and compassion but don’t expect a serious relationship

[@anthonycamuccio2531]

D.A's deserve to be alone for the rest of their lives period....the most unreachable frustrating people on the planet who have 0 clue how to act appropriately in a relationship...

[@Ellael98]

I just can’t anymore with DAs. I am important too and not only THEM and their needs for independence and freedom. Enough.

[@Jamie548]

My DA is doing the same thing, I never know if he will drop by or not. If he would not communicate and not show up, he justifies that by saying that we have not agreed on anything specific (which he was unable to do beforehand). But, on the other hand, he would suddenly show up at my doorstep out of nowhere. I never know what to expect. He is quite aware of my schedule, so it's never the case that I wouldn't be home. But still it is so frustrating, because I either end up waiting the whole night or I was not prepared for it, in terms of dinner and groceries for example. At the end of the day, I would see him at least 3 days a week, and sometimes he shows up everyday. But we never do anything because we never make any plans.

[@dannywholuv]

I was feeling like things were going well until my Da became really distant and didnt reply on her bday. I feel really unbalanced right now, tried tried ringing but clearly her Do Not Disturb was on. When we finally spoke i was feeling so insecure it was awkward. I fucking hate this 😭

[@cryptocandy333]

I feel like I need to be a nuclear physicists smh! Life Is already complicated, why does being in relationship with DA have to be so complex?

[@Birdescu_edits]

A PhD in chaos theory would be more useful

[@95turbogirl1980]

Oh my girlfriend and I go round and round with sh*t like this. I'm usually REALLY clear about what I'm asking or saying. I'm a fan of clarity because others can't read my mind and although my anxiety likes to help me read my girlfriends mind, realistically I can not and she is notorious for saying something or sending me a picture that I'm supposed to know she meant something from this. For example, she gets one day a week off and she's on call the other 6. She's a train conductor and engineer and she requests Mondays as her day off because that's the day I take off and normally it's pretty guaranteed she will get it and we USED to always do things together on Monday, we went to breakfast, dropped my daughter at school, we did errands, grocery shopping, (fabulous sex that was uninterrupted by anyone or anything), we did dinner at home, we meal prepped together, whatever. It was our designated time for togetherness regardless of what we did but that changed about a year and a half ago. Now I never know. She will tell me "I have whatever day off" the previous Thursday afternoon or Friday when she sees her schedule and sometimes that means she wants to do something and sometimes she's just informing me of her schedule so I started clearly asking her if she would like me to also take that day off so we can spend time together and she says yes that would be nice but then the day comes and she goes off to do her errands and I'm left twiddling my thumbs until late afternoon when then she's like oh well I didn't think you wanted to do all that basic stuff and we would do dinner or something! A. We used to do all that basic stuff together and we had fun. We are almost always told by someone at a grocery store or whatever how cute we are because we make basic stuff fun together. B why did I reschedule clients and waste a day off to have dinner? I'm so done with that nonsense and told her if she wants to spend time with me she will have to clearly state it and request it otherwise when she tells me she has a day off, I won't be inferring that it means anything in regards to me.

[@mimiwills8610]

Obviously I don't know your gf or the situation. But as a DA, I think it's great that you expressed your expectation so clearly. Sometimes we just don't get it on our own. She may have had no clue about how her actions affected you. Now she knows and you can assess how she deals with that knowledge. Hope she responds with equal clarity and understanding of your feelings.

[@johndingo7527]

That explains a lot for me. I am a AP and was chasing a DA, when I messaged her to meet for coffee, she used the words "that would be amazing" but never followed through, when I asked her again a couple of weeks later, she replied "yesss", but didnt follow through again. I then sent her a message that its ok if she wasnt into me, but just be honoust with me, she didnt reply. So I called her out and told her that I am not going to be played and that I was dissapointed in her, and I was letting go. she responded by unfriending me, and made me out to be sending harrasing messages. I couldnt understand why she turned so mean in the blink of an eye, but now I think I do.Its just what DA's do.

[@treasurechest2951]

I hear they have high self confidence and blame others

[@jenniepennie14]

Um if someone messaged me asking for coffee, and I agreed, but then didn't follow thru with a time, date, place... and then reached out weeks later looking for the same thing, and I again answered in the affirmative, but again they made zero effort to plan the date they just asked me on... Id be confused as fuck. Then to be ripped a new one .. ya I'd unfriend too. This one's on you man

[@replaygeorge]

"just be honest with me" triggers their confruntation avoidance mechanism. They will most likely give you a crappy response, usually a negative one, or will ghost if it's online. They can't be honest with themselves in the first place, reason for which there is so much drama, they have this "I'm fine on my own" image to hide their insecurities, so it's even harder to be honest with someone else. It would mean commitment, which is hard to deal with again, it would mean vulnerability, big no, it would mean accountability which is also very hard for them emotionally. They are so vulnerable, you would pitty them if you could see through their projected image, and lastly, won't date them :)

[@ashleyeisenmenger7946]

I can't stop watching the part where she laughs 😄 One of my favorite people is a DA. They really can be such sweetie muffins. They just have imperfect methods of coping with pain and trauma, like the rest of us

[@dannywholuv]

I thought the latter: like they couldnt give a fuck about anyone else's feelings. Complete lack of empathy tbh.

[@nllmc07]

@@dannywholuv agree to disagree, my FA is empathethic and she told me directly that she doesnt want to commit again

[@wendydaniel1110]

Healing is a choice and that too is there for everyone. We don't have to live in our pain and unhealed trauma.

[@Nightswim_]

I think they have a perfect method . Totally self contained , don’t have to worry much about others, have everyone bending over backwards for them etc . Much better than my FA mess lol

[@sethtenrec]

@@wendydaniel1110 exactly! It’s almost painful to read some of the immature and desperately-needing-healing comments on here.

[@SK-no2pp]

I’m getting one word responses, one little sentence…. Either days or hours later

[@Borboleta1212]

Been there done that...in my opinion it’s not worth it! I realised the person would never love me in the way that brings true fulfilment or emotional stability. I gave him a chance to amend his behaviours and he only got less responsive, more unreliable and continued with empty apologies. He’s a good person at his core, but i deserve so much better !!! . The absence of communication and emotional coldness made me feel more lonely than when I wasn’t dating anyone

[@SK-no2pp]

@@Borboleta1212 I totally agree 🙌

[@josephsnearline2022]

There’s a variation on the last minute text, where they text at the last minute, I tell them I’ sorry but I’ve made other plans, and they express anger at me for that. It’s like they don’t want to say yes but don’t want to be blamed, so they set it up to blame me instead.

[@indigodp7]

I have never date a DA until now it was a rollercoaster. The text were so confusing, me trying to understand/ figuring out what does he mean. At the, he ended and I don't even know why? If I had done something wrong. At end, it was confusing.😢

[@riceball1232]

The more I learn about DAs the less I wanna date them lol

[@norswil8763]

Tf was wrong with that guy??😂😂 sent a picture or tennis balls and didn’t see why that was ridiculous?

[@wendydaniel1110]

Love your videos. Sounds like a very " romantic" way of describing Narcissistic personality behaviors. They want and need from others what they are not capable of giving. Take, take, take. No thanks .

[@Deepmeaningfulconversationspod]

They prefer texts over calls or f2f for very real discussions 😂😂😂 it’s madness.

[@purelightapologetics4930]

I thought for a little while I might be a DA, but after watching this I’m sure I’m not. This is nothing like how I would communicate.😂

[@timobrien2738]

I'm not in love with being labeled a DA. I wish I found out naturally about how to identify my defects. It's unsettling, I feel like a different species.

[@michirista]

Ahhh I'm familiar with all those texts patterns specially with reaching out last minute,also DAs (at least the ones I'm hanging out) they tends to ignore the planes to go out ghosting as a defense mechanism and not to hurt you, which seems very stupid to me because in fact it hurts you more than reaching out at last minute depending on how insecure is your attachment

[@hopek7033]

My DA friend made plans with me and didn't show up. It was in a high crime area and I got raped. I don't find that behavior endearing.

[@luketimewalker]

oh my god! I hope you find solace

[@LemonCups]

Once again you perfectly describe my experience with the da. Idk if you read these Thais but I recommend PDS to everyone who expresses interest in these subjects or if they are openly struggling. I myself will be back in a few months I hope. Thank you again for all you do. You are a gem!

[@MrSamIAm39]

Want to go do this thing with me ? “ That might be fun.” Then crickets

[@cavelleardiel]

DA's need to date DA's. My ex is a DA and for 18 years it was exhausting for both of us.

[@wendydaniel1110]

I agree. They are very high maintenance. Too much work . Stay with secures

[@cavelleardiel]

@@wendydaniel1110 I think if I had known what my issues were at the beginning of our marriage and we communicated according to the attachment style.....things may have been different.

[@gala2103]

It mostly won't work out since a relationship thrives out of traits variety, so the same traits are not that attractive for us in the beggining.

[@theelaveaux]

#2 is a big yikes

[@leolady8114]

Oh boy! I didn't expect this video to hit home as much as it did! My Q is, are these patterns of indirect communication and texts you mentioned MAINLY indi itive of DA's attachment style specifically? Also, for any DA doing work on themselves out there, is there a difference in a DA sending texts like this BUT YET, accusing or making fun of their other family members that do the same? Lastly, having been on the receiving end myself, I found the texts endearing as well IN THE BEGINNING but found myself wanting to throw in their face that they should put on their big girl (boy) panties, so to speak, as they had said many times themselves about those other ppl they made fun of for doing the same thing they did!

[@littlehoss]

DAs often have NO IDEA they are DA until a partner, friend or family member points it out. Even then they may not want to accept or admit it. One of their core wounds is shame so admitting their short comings is like admitting they are broken, which carries a lot of shame.

[@luketimewalker]

@@littlehoss that was priceless advice my friend, thank you

[@antonioa6089]

The most important thing you will learn from these videos is to learn to recognise certain patterns so you can know better the person you are getting to know. Recognising that you might be with a dismissive avoidant empowers you to choose between staying in the relationship and trying to work it out or just leave the relationship altogether. The vast majority of the unhealed dismissive avoidants won’t acknowledge half of the responsibility necessary to to build a healthy relationship, you can spot them more easily try to work the relationship and if he/she isn’t responsive you can walk away regret free

[@777-h6n]

But they are the ones who started pursuing you aggressively. All so confusing😂

[@SergioFernandez-cj4mt]

Exactly!!! Such a mindf*^k … !!

[@anonymousanonymous9797]

have a beautiful day, awesome people :) xx

[@nannyboo9832]

basically just a bunch of bread crumbing without follow through

[@zoezen8580]

My experience to a T. These videos are priceless ❤️

[@sherryp3411]

Omg...he always tells me read between the lines 😂

[@sheriwl]

I was the recipient of the "tennis balls" types of texts. Im now curious how much i missed with all this!

[@benf1111]

Why can't we just talk on the phone....just stop texting and so much of this crap is resolved.

[@roni.cuh.9647]

Variability hungover, that caught my attention. I address him about his behavior from the prior night. Where I felt he was being resentful and disrespected all night. He began to share intimate conversations and moments we've had in private infront of how buddies, and acting like he didn't care about me. Once I had enough and decided to leave that night, he physically following me to my car. He would let me leave and all i heard him say "I love you". I let things cool down and finally spoke to him two days later. I was very direct with him about how I felt, so of course I was mean with my words. He opened up and said he had been struggling with "my" mix signals about me being on a relationship with him. I told him that came from him NOT being consistent all the time. He soon after started with ghosting periods

[@mr.soundguy968]

Actually DA's are hurt the most I sometimes have the impression

[@vp5134]

Thank you Thaïs. It was extremely helpful. I've been ghosted twice by a DA. It's so hurtful.. is there anything we can do to prevent them from ghosting?

[@freespirit12]

After hearing all of it, I've realized 2 of the past guys I connected with were both DA. I was literally laughing about sending a random picture. I remembered him sending me twice and when I received it, I was really confused what does he mean about that. He could have just texted me properly. I overthink a lot and sending me pictures without texts won't help at all😕 I ain't a mind reader or intelligent enough to decipher what he was trying to say.

[@aspegel5281]

Weird, I'm FA and I do this (but was 29% DA on the test). It's generally because I don't want to commit to something that I don't know how I will feel in that moment when the time comes, or I'm procrastinating because I'm trying to find out what's going on with something else that is conflicting with that commitment. I'll also not do something because I don't feel up to it last minute. So, I guess in a strange way this is avoiding a form of commitment. However, if I really want to do something, I'll have no problem making plans and 100% show up. It's the iffy things I don't like to commit to.

[@dagoncalves1986]

I feel like most Dutch people fit under the DA category...?

[@Canwegetawhoohoo]

What did we do?! 😂

[@roshalllambert]

I love the client examples she uses!! Also I love when Thais goes like no1, no2 like pattern no1, pattern no2- 1st view, like, comment

[@VixxyMcN]

Nah I'm sorry I'm AUDHD and I know patterns this is pure selfishness and immaturity no one needs to pander to this. It's not endearing it's just rude and inappropriate. You won't get through to a DA Very rarely. Having to try to chase after and deal with these people is exhausting. Anti social disorder also comes from environmental and parenting but you don't see us going "oh ok Dharma is just misunderstood" there needs to be accountability and they need to sort themselves out. I've been with these people and tried the same strategies all the people suggest and they don't work. It just gives them more power to be selfish. A super power of Autism is being black and white and being able to do the research and see things in other ways. I telling you all that DAs have high stats of abuse it's damaging and will take you back so many steps.

[@tiname1805]

How would you explain 13 years of friends with benefits with periods of romantic warmth, ghosting and reconnectingwith cycles repeating. Completely DA and emotionally stunt with periods of lashing out for nothing (if intimacy grows)?

[@irena670]

This is an amazing content!! Could there be more of these reading between the line videos, please? I was almost thinking I’m living in illusion, but this may explain things a lot (I’m healing my DA and my communication is much clearer) he is DA and his is pretty much Egyptian to me even I come from same attachment 😅

[@The_NutritionChef]

Vulnerability hangover! 😆

[@bigbadlara5304]

I am pretty sure my exgf has an insecure attachment. Our break up was very messy. But I have been nothing but honest with her. She knows my intentions and she knows me very well. After the break up i realised I actually know very little about her. She's sending mixed signals. I said goodbye and went no contact after. After two weeks she randomly messages me and I think great she wants to talk again. So I ask her an innocent question and she signals to me that it's out of line and ghosts me again. Exactly one week later she asks me the same question I asked her. I answer and she doesn't even read my answer... I'm just so confused and tired because of this.

[@sally5256]

I’m chuckling for two reasons…this is the first time after watching ypu for a year and a half that I’ve seen you chuckle! I love it - Second reason is I know why you are chuckling- especially because I’ve been dating a DA and his texts are very ambiguous as you described and I would chuckle in response then have to apologize and explain myself….interesting 🧐. And thank you for the insight! It is helpful.

[@royrodgers567]

My Wife left almost 2 years ago. She is definitely an avoidant. We have 3 sons and are all standing for the marriage. She has been sending random pics, voice clips, and messages lol. She acts like she loves me and wants restoration...some times. Other times she seems cold. She sent a picture of her hair saying, "Im gonna get my hair cut because its so thick." Another time she sent a picture of a dog she got and asked for dog food. When we are together, she wants me to talk and spend time with her. I need help lol.

[@the_agate_gate3782]

Lmao. What tf is wrong with that dude? No sane person would just assume that’s what you mean if you just sent them a picture of tennis balls. If someone just sent me that with no context I’d think they were trolling and ghost them. Also the waiting to the last minute is such asshole behavior. If you’re gonna stand me up don’t you dare act like you want to after the fact.

[@DanielleBaylor]

Here for myself. I really have no idea how my partner can take what I say and create a fight about it. I've shown texts to friends and they're not seeing the issue either. Not sure if I totally relate to everything, but in general I guess it makes sense. I've definitely gotten better about just saying no to hanging out 😂

[@ms.partida5655]

I’ve gotten all 4 from my ex DA and the last one was the slow fade and complete silence for over a week. When asked about it. He got upset. I gave him 10 more days of space and nothing. I ended it for my own good and I’m moving on! He was probably already done but with his indirect answer I wasn’t sure 🤔😅

[@SK-no2pp]

Good for you!

[@waterlilynymph]

So these are the people mainly responsible for standing up others. That is so cruel, even if they are unaware of this behavior. They need to truly stop standing up people and take accountability for their actions. Maybe gain some empathy too. Nobody likes to get dressed up while waiting for a call, or going to a bar and they not showing up.

[@francesca112]

They are rude. They have not had manners modeled to them in their upbringing.

[@GoOutside321]

Plain, simple, direct - got it

[@dsoul1305]

8:48

[@melaniewagoner7720]

Disorganized attachment here. Watched this to see how some of my avoidance shows up. I do relate a lot more than I realize and I do some of these things.

[@JohnM...]

Would an avoidant text ‘keep in touch’ - but never do themselves?

[@cupcake0480]

YES! In my experience they love having ‘options’. They’ll then go awol and pick and choose who to reply to and when. They try to have FULL control.

[@Destinyj7]

Will a DA deny having interest in someone if asked in order to hide how they actually feel?

[@SK-no2pp]

Yes. But do you want to be with someone who is denying their feelings and can’t access their emotions.

[@beckym8245]

Yep. They will say "we are just friends", while communicating with you daily and sending kisses and flirtatious messages all the time. Then they ghost you when you express any emotion. So confusing. It's honestly not worth the effort. Unless you're so secure in yourself that you can take the constant "come here/go away" dynamic for the rest of your life.

[@SK-no2pp]

@@beckym8245 that dynamic is also prevalent with BPD “I hate you, don’t leave me”

[@beckym8245]

@@SK-no2pp definitely true. I think it's more overt with ppl with BPD. Ppl with DA (in my experience) do it in less of an angry, upset way but in more of a "whatever" way. Like they don't care. And they convince themselves they don't care because it's a safer space for them. Meanwhile, the poor recipient is left not knowing if this person likes them or not. Eventually, they're so traumatised that they have to protect themselves by retreating for their own protection.

[@NannyDiaries23]

100%

[@kayyy.beeeee6173]

He says a lot of “why wouldn’t I.” Rather than, “yes, I want to”

[@IanRoyball128]

It's funny you like tennis 🌈 I like soccer ⚽️ ⚽️ ☮️