What Avoidants REALLY Find Attractive in a Partner - THESE 3 Traits

[@atmodlee]

Former Disorganized Attacher here. I’ve been securely attached for 6 years and while I still have times where I feel an old pattern or behavior creeping in, I have the tools to remind myself that that isn’t me anymore. I don’t bolt from relationships after being all in, now I express how I feel and how I’d like things to go. I also listen (super important) and negotiate with my partner so that both of our needs can be reasonably, mostly, met. Those that my partner cannot fulfill I delegate out to friends, family, or simply meet them myself. I believe all healthy people function in this way. I’ve also tried to make amends with most of the people I’ve hurt when I didn’t know a better way. Some forgive, some don’t, and I understand and appreciate the perspectives of both. But ultimately I’ve forgiven myself.

[@grabbelton]

I am On my way to secure for once, and my partner is as well. At times we are very scared but we give each other confidence to do a trustfall each time we get scared and we learn to express our needs and wants. We trust that we won't leave...and that is a biggie.... Kinda proud of us.... (He doesn't know anything about this,so for him it's even more brave, He does It All by himself via me and his desire to be with me) . Not easy at all but so worth it so far.

[@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life]

​@@grabbeltongreat share! What's your attachment styles?

[@airbear9523]

​@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life They said at the beginning of the post. Disorganized = fearful avoidant.

[@Nonfiction.Reader]

👏😊

[@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life]

@@airbear9523 thanks but I was asking the first commenter not OP. 😊

[@erica2105]

Avoidants always look for this in relationships: a completely perfect partner who never complains when they stonewall, breadcrumb, disappear for days, give non-committal answers to any question, do not initiate sex and monkey-branch.

[@supergrllondon191]

What's monkey branch and why not initiate sex

[@gregvanpaassen]

Translating to DA language: a partner who gives them time to think about changes before getting an answer, is self-sufficient (doesn't need entertaining all the time, doesn't dump on them), communicates clearly in a matter of fact way, does not stress about imaginary and trivial things, likes hugs without sexual pressure, is okay with companionable silence. No need to monkey-branch if you have a partner like that. I got lucky.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for sharing your perspective. It's important to discuss the different needs and behaviours in relationships.

[@FrankyboyFloyd]

Sooo true!!

[@Revolution-tl5wo]

I am so glad I found this channel so that I could heal my own attachment and attract securely attached people. But during the process it became increasingly clear to me that I didn't heal my own insecure attachment just to waste the rest of my life in relationships with insecurely attached people. These videos are a reminder of what I had to heal and a warning of what to run from. I suffered years already expending one-sided effort into these types. I reserve my energy for people that reciprocate now. The only time I deal with them is if I'm stuck transacting with them in business or commerce.

[@sifublack192]

Number 2 is my biggest one. Considering that it's so rare it makes it all the more valuable. Great video!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Glad you found value in the video! It's always insightful to hear what resonates with others.

[@WrittenMysteries-ne7px]

#3 is the biggest quality I look for in people because it's so rare. Sure lots of people can ask about your day, give you attention, even offer you things, but their generosity is conditional. They have a scoreboard in the back of their mind. Selflessness is so much more than generosity. When these are mistaken, you get the result Thais described, where my "maturity" you once admired is now "coldness". What attracts me most is someone truly happy and confident who can be there for others without keeping score. I look for this in friendships, coworkers, pretty much everything.

[@bulldog1080p]

this literally makes NO sense lol

[@sethtenrec]

The scorecard gets developed as life goes on and you’re victimized, and taken advantage of, by selfish and narcissistic people

[@WrittenMysteries-ne7px]

@@bulldog1080p hello again, dandanut

[@WrittenMysteries-ne7px]

@@sethtenrec yes indeed that's often how it starts. someone has to break the cycle.

[@MikeS-r2p]

​@@bulldog1080p have a hard time comprehending clear as day words or something? Normal people read this just fine.

[@moskvaprivet]

What are the 4th and the 5th traits? Did I miss them?

[@cielolele2293]

You didn't miss them. She forgot to mention them.

[@georgedaccache8521]

Will he talk to me again in life if he told me he wants nothing to do with me ?

[@JTBags420]

This entire conversation i cant help but notice the bottom corner of the shelf isnt at a perfect 90°. Do I have OCD?

[@keithubel7110]

So my avoident can't even call her my ex.. so I found out about all this attachment stuff and told her about because you know throwing over there love to do with it. How about she takes all the information and starts applying it so she can build a relationship with someone else....

[@toriyt2714]

How do you get past that point when the traits that attracted you start to feel smothering?

[@kokolatte825]

She mentioned that you need to integrate those traits and basically become more securely attached

[@meganwagoner1623]

I know this sounds awful but does playing hard to get ever work 😩 can you do a video on this!?

[@cornwallismorgan874]

It doesn't work on adults who are looking for serious relationships.

[@moderngoblin]

Why would you be trying to connect with someone who seems a little “distant and detached”? Wrong move from the jump

[@WrittenMysteries-ne7px]

because it's a new stepdad or in-law who joined the family? because it's a new boos? because it's a foster child? these skills aren't just for dating.

[@grabbelton]

Because someone who can be a little bit distant can be the most wonderful person you will ever meet... .

[@era1442]

Sometimes you may see the beauty in people that lies deeper than the surface. I'm puzzled myself sometimes why I'm drawn to different individuals. Currently I find myself interested in a girl who displays some distant behavior (likely FA or DA) like she's keeping a wall up, but at the same time she can be quite social from time to time. Still it feels like she's slightly uncomfortable being truly vulnerable, as I am too. Perhaps there's a wanting to resolve things inside of yourself, that get projected to other individuals. Like wanting to love the part that feels abandoned and unloved, and in need of affection and appreciation. But these are just some thoughts. I doubt that there's a simple explanation for attraction, but sometimes it can be about underlying trauma within yourself, that you need to wake up to perhaps. From what I've understood, part of it is your subconscious that is used to "insecure" relationship patterns, driven by some core-beliefs.

[@moderngoblin]

@@era1442 great real answer thank you.

[@valentineamartey9717]

​@@grabbeltonHa..what???

[@grabbelton]

I love us. 😊

[@muffemod]

What?

[@harry-james-books]

As always, avoid avoidants. Save yourself the grief and date a functioning human being instead.

[@kylel4971]

It's literally the complete opposite lol aou act like this with them and they leave you asap

[@supergrllondon191]

You speak too quick 😢😢😢

[@grcooley]

WAY too many sales pitches. Get SO sick of them not coming back. If your content is good all you need is ONE pitch at the end. I think you really know your stuff but not worth wading through all your hype and sales