Former Disorganized Attacher here. I’ve been securely attached for 6 years and while I still have times where I feel an old pattern or behavior creeping in, I have the tools to remind myself that that isn’t me anymore. I don’t bolt from relationships after being all in, now I express how I feel and how I’d like things to go. I also listen (super important) and negotiate with my partner so that both of our needs can be reasonably, mostly, met. Those that my partner cannot fulfill I delegate out to friends, family, or simply meet them myself. I believe all healthy people function in this way. I’ve also tried to make amends with most of the people I’ve hurt when I didn’t know a better way. Some forgive, some don’t, and I understand and appreciate the perspectives of both. But ultimately I’ve forgiven myself.
@grabbelton13 сағат бұрын
I am On my way to secure for once, and my partner is as well. At times we are very scared but we give each other confidence to do a trustfall each time we get scared and we learn to express our needs and wants. We trust that we won't leave...and that is a biggie.... Kinda proud of us.... (He doesn't know anything about this,so for him it's even more brave, He does It All by himself via me and his desire to be with me) . Not easy at all but so worth it so far.
@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life12 сағат бұрын
@@grabbeltongreat share! What's your attachment styles?
@airbear952312 сағат бұрын
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life They said at the beginning of the post. Disorganized = fearful avoidant.
@Nonfiction.Reader11 сағат бұрын
👏😊
@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life11 сағат бұрын
@@airbear9523 thanks but I was asking the first commenter not OP. 😊
@erica210510 сағат бұрын
Avoidants always look for this in relationships: a completely perfect partner who never complains when they stonewall, breadcrumb, disappear for days, give non-committal answers to any question, do not initiate sex and monkey-branch.
@supergrllondon19110 сағат бұрын
What's monkey branch and why not initiate sex
@gregvanpaassen8 сағат бұрын
Translating to DA language: a partner who gives them time to think about changes before getting an answer, is self-sufficient (doesn't need entertaining all the time, doesn't dump on them), communicates clearly in a matter of fact way, does not stress about imaginary and trivial things, likes hugs without sexual pressure, is okay with companionable silence. No need to monkey-branch if you have a partner like that. I got lucky.
@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool8 сағат бұрын
Thank you for sharing your perspective. It's important to discuss the different needs and behaviours in relationships.
@FrankyboyFloyd2 сағат бұрын
Sooo true!!
@Revolution-tl5wo2 сағат бұрын
I am so glad I found this channel so that I could heal my own attachment and attract securely attached people. But during the process it became increasingly clear to me that I didn't heal my own insecure attachment just to waste the rest of my life in relationships with insecurely attached people. These videos are a reminder of what I had to heal and a warning of what to run from. I suffered years already expending one-sided effort into these types. I reserve my energy for people that reciprocate now. The only time I deal with them is if I'm stuck transacting with them in business or commerce.
@sifublack19212 сағат бұрын
Number 2 is my biggest one. Considering that it's so rare it makes it all the more valuable. Great video!
@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool8 сағат бұрын
Glad you found value in the video! It's always insightful to hear what resonates with others.
@WrittenMysteries-ne7px13 сағат бұрын
#3 is the biggest quality I look for in people because it's so rare. Sure lots of people can ask about your day, give you attention, even offer you things, but their generosity is conditional. They have a scoreboard in the back of their mind. Selflessness is so much more than generosity. When these are mistaken, you get the result Thais described, where my "maturity" you once admired is now "coldness". What attracts me most is someone truly happy and confident who can be there for others without keeping score. I look for this in friendships, coworkers, pretty much everything.
@bulldog1080p11 сағат бұрын
this literally makes NO sense lol
@sethtenrec11 сағат бұрын
The scorecard gets developed as life goes on and you’re victimized, and taken advantage of, by selfish and narcissistic people
@WrittenMysteries-ne7px11 сағат бұрын
@@bulldog1080p hello again, dandanut
@WrittenMysteries-ne7px11 сағат бұрын
@@sethtenrec yes indeed that's often how it starts. someone has to break the cycle.
@MikeS-r2p10 сағат бұрын
@@bulldog1080p have a hard time comprehending clear as day words or something? Normal people read this just fine.
@moskvaprivet13 сағат бұрын
What are the 4th and the 5th traits? Did I miss them?
@cielolele229313 сағат бұрын
You didn't miss them. She forgot to mention them.
@georgedaccache85218 сағат бұрын
Will he talk to me again in life if he told me he wants nothing to do with me ?
@JTBags4205 сағат бұрын
This entire conversation i cant help but notice the bottom corner of the shelf isnt at a perfect 90°. Do I have OCD?
@keithubel711011 сағат бұрын
So my avoident can't even call her my ex.. so I found out about all this attachment stuff and told her about because you know throwing over there love to do with it. How about she takes all the information and starts applying it so she can build a relationship with someone else....
@toriyt27146 сағат бұрын
How do you get past that point when the traits that attracted you start to feel smothering?
@kokolatte825Сағат бұрын
She mentioned that you need to integrate those traits and basically become more securely attached
@meganwagoner16237 сағат бұрын
I know this sounds awful but does playing hard to get ever work 😩 can you do a video on this!?
@cornwallismorgan8746 сағат бұрын
It doesn't work on adults who are looking for serious relationships.
@moderngoblin13 сағат бұрын
Why would you be trying to connect with someone who seems a little “distant and detached”? Wrong move from the jump
@WrittenMysteries-ne7px13 сағат бұрын
because it's a new stepdad or in-law who joined the family? because it's a new boos? because it's a foster child? these skills aren't just for dating.
@grabbelton13 сағат бұрын
Because someone who can be a little bit distant can be the most wonderful person you will ever meet... .
@era144213 сағат бұрын
Sometimes you may see the beauty in people that lies deeper than the surface. I'm puzzled myself sometimes why I'm drawn to different individuals. Currently I find myself interested in a girl who displays some distant behavior (likely FA or DA) like she's keeping a wall up, but at the same time she can be quite social from time to time. Still it feels like she's slightly uncomfortable being truly vulnerable, as I am too. Perhaps there's a wanting to resolve things inside of yourself, that get projected to other individuals. Like wanting to love the part that feels abandoned and unloved, and in need of affection and appreciation. But these are just some thoughts. I doubt that there's a simple explanation for attraction, but sometimes it can be about underlying trauma within yourself, that you need to wake up to perhaps. From what I've understood, part of it is your subconscious that is used to "insecure" relationship patterns, driven by some core-beliefs.
@moderngoblin13 сағат бұрын
@@era1442 great real answer thank you.
@valentineamartey971713 сағат бұрын
@@grabbeltonHa..what???
@grabbelton13 сағат бұрын
I love us. 😊
@muffemod2 сағат бұрын
What?
@harry-james-books7 сағат бұрын
As always, avoid avoidants. Save yourself the grief and date a functioning human being instead.
@kylel49717 сағат бұрын
It's literally the complete opposite lol aou act like this with them and they leave you asap
@supergrllondon1918 сағат бұрын
You speak too quick 😢😢😢
@grcooley2 сағат бұрын
WAY too many sales pitches. Get SO sick of them not coming back. If your content is good all you need is ONE pitch at the end. I think you really know your stuff but not worth wading through all your hype and sales