What Traits Is The "Hot & Cold" Partner Most Attracted To? | Fearful Avoidant Attachment

Join PDS For Free With Our 14-Day Free Trial
university.personaldevelopmen...
Overcoming Unworthiness by Understanding and Accepting your Shadow
university.personaldevelopmen...
In this video, Thais Gibson talks about what traits the fearful avoidant attachment style (disorganized attachment) is most attracted to, as well as what drives attraction.
As a fearful avoidant attachment style or a partner of one, what are some specific traits you are most attracted to compared to others for your ideal partner and relationship?
---
00:00:00 - Intro
00:01:12 - Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style Overview
00:03:24 - Trait #1: Assertiveness
00:04:05 - Trait #2: Vulnerability
00:05:03- 14-Day Trial: How To Master the Dating Stage Course
00:06:05 - Trait #3: Self-Assurance
00:07:59 - Then Comes Resentment
00:08:59 - Examples
00:11:09 - 14-Day Trial: Shadow Work Course
00:11:35 - Conclusion
---
// Take Our Attachment Quiz //
attachment.personaldevelopmen...
// Social Media Links //
Instagram - / thepersonaldevelopment...
Facebook - / 461389461257253
TikTok - / thaisgibson
LinkedIn - / 26501951
Podcast - pod.link/1478580185
---
Never miss a life-changing lesson from Thais Gibson and the Personal Development School by hitting the subscribe button here - / @thepersonaldevelopmen...
I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel, and thank you for stopping by!
This is a channel designed for you, to be used as a resource to create lasting transformation in your personal and professional life. Here you’ll receive an ongoing series of personal development and spiritual growth videos for you to expand your awareness and find resolution and deep understanding within.
Want to transform your life? If I did it, I know you can too!
---
#FearfulAvoidantAttachment #PersonalDevelopmentSchool #ThaisGibson #PDS #AttachmentStyles #FearfulAvoidant #DisorganizedAttachment #Reparenting #FearfulAvoidantCourse #DisorganizedAttachmentCourse
---

[@yesno6726]

im sorry this is offtopic but I love how little or no cuts your videos are. It's amazing how genuine it feels listening to you talk and it's more personable to the viewer. As an FA learning to be SA, the way you present yourself is awesome

[@entrepreneurialempress]

Absolutely this lovely woman has been a game changer now that I am opening up myself to dating after years of traumatic relationships

[@lisa4cohen]

The vulnerability of another person provides transparency which to me feels honest almost safe..my upbringing was so tumultuous.. I was either always bad or good never just great and that felt so uncertain .. relationships r growth meters and bc of you Thais I’m growing into a lovely giant of security 🙏🏼❤️

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

What do you mean that you were either always bad or good, never just great? (if you don't mind me asking)

[@lisa4cohen]

@@lifecoachingtoronto my alcoholic step mother tortured me and my brother with strict household rules and much punishment if we deviated , we were always living in an environment that labelled us good or bad ..

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

@@lisa4cohen I hear you & it makes sense. Thanks for sharing that Lisa :)

[@YW-gm9gu]

As a FA, I am indeed attracted to all three traits, especially assertiveness. Though I have been working on becoming assertive at times, it's difficult to not feel selfish and to actively take up space. Didn't know saying the opposite of what I want to say is considered being afraid of vulnerability. Around assertive people in relationships, I usually end up in the doormat role without others realizing it because I hardly speak up and go with what they want or what makes them happy. Most of the time I may want the opposite but speaking up has always seemed to trigger people into a fit of anger. Slowly working on rectifying my patterns.

[@gatorssbm]

I really like how you dont just say what attracts them but how to go beyond those steps and prevent resentment from building up/a decent way to know if your partner will take the steps to grow with you. I love how much effort is put into this channel on being very in depth for everyone to educate themselves.

[@isabelkloberdanz6329]

Can you make a video on how to stop viewing love as a competition? Whenever I get involved with someone I find myself keeping score of who’s showing the most interest or texting first the most or being the most vulnerable to make sure the other person shows more interest than me. I feel like relationships are a competition of who can be the least vulnerable person and when I let my guard down and things don’t work out I feel stupid and naive and like I should’ve known better and like I let someone in all for nothing and then I don’t want to let myself care about anyone else ever again.

[@wf4983]

That's a good one. I myself am very carful/ cautious, too. I wouldn't say I see it as a competition, but I just don't want to do anything wrong/ stupid. I don't want to be too much or too less. I think, it has something to do with shame, with the fear of being a strange person/ wrong. So, you end up taking good care not do/ be too much and to make a fool out of yourself (vulnerability). By the way: I am drawn to emotional inept men or men who just can't handle their emotions (but try to conceal that) - I think because that makes me feel safe. No clue what's behind that ... (but maybe also the hope that someone is more emotional that me and therefor I'm not the strange one)

[@alyajewellery]

I hardly reach out to even friends first, even when it would be polite to do so. Boyfriends have been known to say “you finally miss me!?” When my friends have pushed me to initiate.

[@freezinginhere]

Love is patient, love is kind... ❤️🙏🌱

[@santiagoscho]

i love this topic and thanks for clarifying. you are attracted so someone who has something you don't - infatuation stage - opposite attracts - but then, you go back to the reality that you are not used to that, it is unfamiliar to you - that it becomes frustrating - compatibility attracts, in the long run. but if you can adapt the trait you don't have, for a good reason, that would be perfect!

[@katiekelmanswe]

As a previous FA, this couldn’t more on point. So very true ❤

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Glad this resonated with you Katie!

[@jess_is]

Thais, you're my online therapist when I can't see my in person therapist. Thank yoooou!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@kaz4164]

So good… Thank you Thais

[@Lolo-lt2lf]

LOVE YOUR VIDS

[@csilver9625]

This video described exactly what my experience was like last year dating someone with the fearful avoidant attachment style. The exact same things that created such an intense connection for the first two or three months were the exact same things that triggered her to immediately turned off in an instant, and just break things off super unexpected… One week she had me go into jewelry shops to shop for an engagement ring, and the very next week she told me she’s never had any chemistry with me at all… Extremely incongruent statements and behaviors that were triggered seemingly overnight

[@maaypinaay]

Sounds not only like an AF person…

[@csilver9625]

@@maaypinaay nice cliffhanger statement… 😂 okay, I’ll bite, what else are you referring to?

[@maaypinaay]

@@csilver9625 Well how long were you dating before you decided to engage? 😅

[@Taylor_Frenchiebaby]

that’s a covert narcissist 100%

[@MangoOasis97]

This is so useful, thank you!

[@jerrykasinger8621]

This is such an interesting one! For my personality, I love to be open and I want the other person to be Transparent and vulnerable with me, I really crave that closeness. But in relationships it seems like when you are that way, people don't trust it like they think that can't be real, that you're up to something. And then when I get treated With Mistrust And Skepticism from other people, then I don't trust opening up and be vulnerable and transparent so I hold it back.

[@dloaded]

As an evolving FA previously partnered to an unaware FA/DA, this is painfully accurate. We were attracted to all these traits in each other, and said as much. Then as I was getting more into her she was pulling away from me, referring to those same traits in me as a reason why I was now too good for her 😢 she wasn’t ready to consciously assimilate/accept those traits herself so they changed into repelling aspects of the relationship for her to the point where she couldn’t stay in it anymore 😔 such a bummer ☹️ Thank you Thais and the PDS for your knowledge and compassion when sharing all of this information with us! 🫶

[@mitchsargent4233]

Wow, you could literally have just explained my most recent relationship (both FA's) word for word. Scary how accurate it is, it could almost be a script

[@thalittguru7697]

The more secure one partner becomes as a result of falling for the other partner involved.. the more insecure the partner who isn't falling becomes. FAs are subconsciously attracted to chaos as Thais stated. She was still chaotic hence your attraction. You were secure in your feelings for her hence her deactivating. Hide your security better next time, when dealing with an avoidant attachment style.. via keep your feelings hidden by not verbalizing them and don't be too available❤

[@diskursm8558]

@@thalittguru7697 lmao... You literally telling him that he must be not himself to be suitable for the other person - wtf... One must learn how to not get into the trap with someone insecure. It is something ridiculous about "hiding feelings"...

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

FA's! Do these ring true? Any more you would add?

[@Sabreemeplease]

Oh they ring true alright lol I loved my Wife’s laidback personality and then when we got into the power struggle stage, I was like “you’re not doing enough, you aren’t expressive, blah blah lol” and now we’re working to become secure but this is so refreshing to hear that I’m not crazy! ❤

[@Sabreemeplease]

I am also taking the entire FA course currently and I am aware of my personality needs and moment to moment needs!!!

[@winniekirui5487]

Thanks Thais and team 🤗❤! Apart from the courses mentioned, what others can we do to work on the self assurance part?

[@anzelaiv]

Another great breakdown, incredibly helpful. As an FA, I relate to every point.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Great to hear that Anzela!

[@ckomarec]

Thanks!

[@ng-marc]

💯 Thank you ❤🍀🌻

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You're welcome Marc!

[@anitawieman3900]

I'm an FA who recently broke up with DA partner. It ended in chaos and disaster, there is "Hurt all over the place." Your videos, and those of Jimmy on Relationships and Marriage first, are very helpful in my efforts in trying to gain more insights about the unhealthy dynamics that undermined the love we had/have for each other. My goal is to gain more security within myself and stability in my future romantic relationships. It is very confronting to see how our survival programmings were dictating our relationship. The conditional love from my mother in childhood, and the over-all being deprived of love in his childhood, make me feel both empathic and crying sad for our inner children who are so obvious still suffering. It is up to uw grown ups to take care of our inner children. THANKS for sharing your insights, in the clear and calm, and so clearly from the heart, understanding way that you do, to help us being able to do just that.

[@alainpatry]

Oh yeah, the novelty was a big attractor for sure. Definitely got this Gemini stimulated! But the weak commitment was such a totally unexpected letdown... That looking back, it's hard to consider that was a relationship. Situationship might be more accurate because I was so rarely shown up for. Seems to me FA *wants* commitment and dreams about it and talks about it... But really struggles to bring it, to be all in. At least that was my experience and this video resonated with that.

[@1111fairy]

So how do we keep attraction after integrating?

[@sunnyt5795]

Keep integrating positive traits from others, so that your partner always has something to learn from u

[@juliamissgoolia2030]

Now...in our breakup my FA ex is now really anti-my vulnerability, when this was the thing that connected us FULLY in the beginning. He loved that about me, and was always vocal about that. Now, he doesn't want to hear about it, but wants to be friends. It's really confusing.

[@jamiew83831]

What if you’re attracted to charisma but you don’t have any of your own to cultivate? How does one develop charisma? I thought it was just something people were born with. Also what about the resentment that develops later when that person (with the charisma you were attracted to) uses it in negative ways, like to cheat. Now you’re stuck not trusting charismatic people to not take advantage of you or disrespect you? Hope this makes sense as I’m just waking up 😂😂

[@fleur8102]

Honestly i feel like charisma comes easier when you are confident. It's easier to talk to others, and they respond better when you're more selfassured! So i would start with selflove / faking until you make it with confidence!

[@fleur8102]

Also maybe look up Shallon Lester on yt! She has good videos on confidence

[@RitaP41]

💯💯💯

[@michaelblue6150]

Every FA I've known sabotages relationships

[@michaelblue6150]

@@josephgreen2627 so how exactly does it work.....what do u do to sabotage and why?

[@feedyourroommates775]

It's exhausting. Had I known, I would have run

[@Ryan-yg7zc]

Any thoughts on EMDR to heal attachment issues?

[@josh_up]

What's EMDR??

[@eleniusxx]

It's a form of therapy that deals with trauma.

[@user-gd2xx7cv7q]

assertiveness ooh.. so like a stand ur ground or daddy vibes gotcha lol

[@yuiitodoro7791]

A question : if i am FA leaning dismissive ...shouldn't i be attracted more towards AP's...but i get attracted towards DA's

[@Ajc321]

Same here. I Wonder why..

[@1chienandalou]

I’m the same but it makes sense to me. I’d fine an anxious attachment person too much for me I reckon. I need a lot of time/space to myself and I might not be able to meet their needs even at my best. I’d hope to be with a secure or secure leaning person ideally.

[@yuiitodoro7791]

@@1chienandalou yeah, i hope to be with secure person too...but i get attracted to dismissive peoples still, i think i still have a long way in healing ig

[@cloudslady3400]

I'd love to see a series of how each attachment style deals with narcissists...I'm so curious to know the dynamic between narcissists and da's and also from a personal point of view I experienced narcissistic abuse twice the first one back when I was AP and the other happened after my attachment style changed to FA...and they are completely different stories...not only from the perspective of the person involved with a narcissist but also from the perspective of the narcissist themselves i think they tend to almost chase FA's more....i also find that FA's trigger narcissists ten times more then AP's..so curious to know more about that !

[@cloudslady3400]

the abuse that happened when I was AP was all about the fear of being rejected excluded or abandoned...I didn't feel any fear of my identity being swallowed by the other person ( the narcissist)..but when I became FA I was so scared of being trapped , helpless ...I'm unsafe core wound was triggered badly...so it's interesting how two narcissists did the same techniques to abuse me but ended up with completely different results..

[@itsspoodini]

A DA picks up on it fast. They are often independent free thinkers who often had a narcissistic parent or just one that wasn't there emotionally so they supress which gives them great clarity of what the other person is doing emotionally as they are not feeling it right away

[@STAY5161]

7:59 💡💡💡💡

[@fubao588]

As an acquaitances, can we individually leave the fa quietly without return?

[@19eightytw0]

❤

[@Josh-db1ls]

Asked FA ex if he wants be to walk away and not bother him again, he said he wants me to calm down and heal, I asked when he mean heal does he mean get over him and move on. There is no response. I said it will help if he tells me to move on, No response. What should i interpret?

[@arpitadas1252]

Move on❤

[@kimlarso]

Sean?

[@Josh-db1ls]

@@kimlarso I didn't understand

[@rosestewart1606]

Do as he says. Calm down...heal yourself.

[@Extramentalist]

Can someone please explain assertive more and give examples

[@cleowiesent4245]

I love the content of your videos. It's packed with very valuable info. For that reason I find your talking too fast.

[@ItsAsparageese]

Slow down the playback. No talking speed is right for everyone. That's why there are speed controls, so you can take responsibility for adjusting it for yourself, just like with volume

[@P51D-Mustang]

Dearest Thais, Loving your content, but is it please possible to slow down just a bit to speak more clearly. You are so enthusiastic in your deliveries that it's just a little difficult to understand! -so much appreciated.❤

[@kimlarso]

Agree

[@soulfulexpansions]

We are all a lie that died a 100 miollion milees ago pretending im still here!!!!