3 Reasons Dismissive Avoidants Go Stone-Cold Silent After A Break Up

[@TheCoffeeCat]

I still love Thais's content, but quite frankly I'm sick and tired of feeling empathy for DA's who never felt empathy for me, never even thought about the possibility of being honest with me, and never sought to help themselves with their own issues. I'm now finding it much more efficient to turn this empathy toward myself and to forget they ever existed in the first place.

[@roberttruman8444]

I can understand your frustration as I've been there many times now, but It's not fair to compare each other's perceived empathy for each other. Your capacity to empathise depends on your level of self awareness. The DA knows very little about attachment and doesn't make demands on you to be more empathetic with them. By contrast you know all there is about attachment and you do demand that the DA empathises more. I'd avoid making comparisons between you and your partner if you can.

[@TheCoffeeCat]

@@roberttruman8444 Oh, but the DA expects and demands empathy. They want us to be understanding about their need for space and to grant it whenever they feel it; they want us to fully accept them as they are, including their lack of affectionate communication and their inability to commit or make the slightest plans; they expect us to anticipate their needs when they're not communicated, and to comply to their personal standard of a perfect partner who never expresses needs of their own. If we fail on any of these tasks, they say we are difficult and we don't accept them as they are, so they cannot do the relationship anymore. In my view, by expecting to be "accepted as they are" unconditionally, the DA expects empathy and total compliance and understanding.

[@anzelaiv]

@@TheCoffeeCat Although I don't feel resentment towards the DAs, I agree that what you describe here happens way too often with DAs and makes them appear so hypocritical. It's the lack of self-awareness (not for their attachment issues but for the usual everyday stuff) that is hard to move past. APs have huge expectations from their partner but at least they are willing to take on their partner's expectations in return (how well they manage it is a different subject). DAs have all the expectations but deny that they have them even as they give you THE LIST because "those are not MY expectations, those are normal things that everyone wants", and then get frustrated and run as soon as there's a hint of an expectation directed at them. All of a sudden, their partner is unreasonable and difficult. Then they turn around and claim that, yes, THEY are impossible to be with but continue to enter new relationships and hurt people without even thinking to work on whatever makes them impossible to be with because "I love my life and I will never change anything about it". Not all of them are like this but this is so common.

[@TheCoffeeCat]

@@anzelaiv Great way of putting it into words, yes! Which reminded me of one DA who used to tell me it's wrong and unnatural to have expectations, all the while he expected me to guess and anticipate his needs, to not talk about anything important or "serious", and to just flow along in a nameless relationship, without any future plans, without a progression and without addressing the deep stuff. Basically he wanted me to be a statue, that would occasionally animate at the right moment when he needed it to. Maybe Alexa is his soulmate?

[@carolinegrove4701]

Speaking as a DA, it's not about refusing to communicate your needs to another person, or expecting them to guess what you feel, it's about not knowing you what you feel and not understanding that another person can make you feel better. It's not "I feel bad and a cuddle will make me feel better but I'm not going to tell my partner that because they should know" it's more like "I feel bad and I don't know why so I need to stop feeling". Equally, you might have an understanding that a cuddle will make you feel better (even if you don't know why), but if you've never been in an environment where people express that sort of thing, you don't know how to express the sentiment and end up feeling frustrated by your own stupidity on top of everything else.

[@roni.cuh.9647]

I gave my DA so many chances. I kept telling him how inconsistent he was and that I didn't want to deal with that. He would apologize and chance only to fall back into the same pattern (taking hours to reply or a reply till the next day). I got tired, always questioning him. After 6 months, I wanted some commitment from him to make me feel secure (I'm an AP). He said okay, then he became distant with no replies from a few texts. Luckily, I had been reading a lot and watching these videos. I can kinda confirm he detached, and I won't probably hear from him again. My last contact was 3 days ago, but I'm already blocking him. I knew something wasn't right since the first weeks of dating. Ladies, pay attention to the red flags. I shouldn't have let it go on that long ✌️

[@everybodysayparty]

Oh my gosh yes. This cycle of blocking feelings and eventually they flood out. It’s exhausting 🥺 thank you for articulating what I am now realizing I’ve been living

[@yellowtheresunshine]

Very recent break up with a DA, who monkey branched to another woman, after 18 months with me. His break up text message to me; "Interesting week with my friend staying over. We hooked up. Didn't know she was here for that. I'll see how things go there." I swear I read it 50 times to comprehend the brutality of what a way to discard me, or anyone. He's on dating apps while starting a relationship with this poor, new very obviously AP woman. 12 days down the track for me, and absolute silence from him. He's not my problem anymore, and the relief is kicking in for me. He was an endless flirt with other women. Has no empathy or conscience, and completely self absorbed, and I've learned he uses women only for validation. I know not all DA's are this harsh, if at all, but this one.....dangerous to others in my experience, hidden behind a superficial boyish charm.

[@Dogscatsbikes]

Wow, that’s just obnoxious. It hurt just reading this. I’m sorry you’re going through it. Stay strong, keep him in your past, and never look back.

[@hibiscushoney3759]

That's harsh the text wow. The traits you list him as having he is not compatible w/ anyone. He is self absorbed = selfish. No loyalty only to his wants & needs. Sorry for your loss but it actually in long run a win.

[@sojourner3163]

Narcissist most likely.

[@sheliasmith2884]

Wow sounds more like a narcissist

[@rawman18]

Attachment style aside, karma is real. And I hope he gets back 10x times worse than what he did to you.

[@Mermaid03_03]

He ghosted then sent a message 6 weeks later on my birthday weekend. He didn’t say happy birthday or God forbid send a gift. No, he told me I should go a different route with my business 😐

[@LG-ly7di]

Sounds about right. Wanted to connect, but avoid just checking out without any warning

[@restlesswinds1328]

I strongly identify with the FA attachment style, but I can relate to the reasoning behind the DA's search for distraction. I ended a relationship with someone I believe is a DA last year. He didn't reach out until about 6 months after that & our communication has been sporadic since. I haven't really minded that though. Recently I've really started to miss him & it's been occupying my thoughts. It's crazy to realize all the things we do to convince ourselves we don't care & how both types will push away in different ways.

[@drewby_dooby_doo]

Wait, it took you how long to start missing them?

[@Sarafara7]

Thank you for this! When I broke up with my ex DA he didn’t say one word. I was so hurt thinking that I never meant anything to him and he so casually moved on. Now, I can understand more why that happened.

[@Sarafara7]

@Michael Howington I’m glad you’re having a laugh :)

[@0Demiyah0]

I can relate to that. I broke it off with my DA at 7 months of dating. The reason was that him keeping me at an armlengths distance made me feel unsafe, rejected and a placeholder. I understood at this point already that he had issues with expressing his vulnerability, so I did not expect an answer, but I did still feel hurt that he did not respond in any shape or form to my eloquent explanation of my reasons or acknowledged the break-up. He just went radio-silence and that was it! We did reconcile however, and it was easier to tell how much I actually meant to him when we got back in touch, because then we did sit down and talked about it.

[@hshfyugaewfjkKS]

@@0Demiyah0 Yep I said those exact words to my ex-DA. I felt like his good enough for now girl. That hurt, even if that wasn't his internal experience of me.

[@sarahg4091]

@@0Demiyah0 What was the impetus for the reconciliation? Who reached out to who, and after how much time? Does he realize he's a DA? Was he receptive when you sat down and talked? Thanks for any answers!

[@0Demiyah0]

@@sarahg4091 I could see on hindsight that I had misunderstood him and that he was in fact in love with me. I also realized I got so triggered because I discovered my FA-attachment. Because I broke up with him, I felt the onus of reconciliation was on me. So I reached out to him. It was after 2 months. He does not realize he is DA. He spoke many times about wanting to go to therapy, but would find excuses not to when it came down to it. It's been 5 years in total that we have been together, and he is (finally) going now. When we sat down to talk right after the break-up and 2 months of NC, he was very receptive. He was a little apprehensive and defensive when we first sat down, but once I started talking and explaining myself he warmed up and we had a good heart to heart. We started dating on a more casual base to rebuild trust and after 2 months he told me he loves me.

[@dloaded]

Thank you Thais for the reminder about what we grieve during a breakup! 6:35 It’s so helpful because we do tend to make it about that one person otherwise, and it’s really not as much about them as we think it is. Tough perspective to remember when we’re deep in the pain and generating stories from that hurt space ❤

[@edgreen8140]

Dloaded- you are so right about the stories people tell themselves.

[@howtosober]

This alone is why I'll never date a DA again- on top of all the other reasons. Kudos to the DAs on this channel doing the healing work. But being thrown away and stonewalled as if you never mattered to a person isn't something anyone that respects themselves should put themselves through. I know I won't anymore.

[@drewby_dooby_doo]

Hear hear. Only thing I care about now is finding a way to entrust my heart to someone again. This blindside shit is pure trauma.

[@sushisam3010]

They say that they like you, how you are different from everyone else, but in the first conflict they abandon the relationship/situationship, put the blame on you as if they were ghosts in the relationship and they go back to using dating apps the next day or a week later. And, of course, they are so fearful that WE have to reach out later. But there is no fear of treating and discarding people as nothing and not staying in the relationship while everything is fine. When you open your mouth to tell them how you feel (by the way, they never ask), they melt because everything is critical (the fear of receiving the criticism they give others and themselves). Everything can be explained, but it doesn't justify the devaluation & the discard behavior.

[@user-sz6hk1nv3o]

Yeah she promise me the world when we first meet another ugly quality. Then back up on everything we had plans on and always try to put an excuse to way when i ask. 5 years of been with her on and off i didnt know what the heck a DA was or about attachments styles. I was so confuse for her lack of emotions never felt like she appreciated anything i did not even presents their emotionless. Finally she got an amazing job and she was so busy that she lock down and drop me out of her life like i never even existed. I try multiple times to make it work and ask her if she still miss me she said no that only somethimes. And the worst quality if you ask me was that they never prioritise you at all they care more about friends and family because theres no commitment there. At this point i just dont know how the hell are this people any good for a healthy relationship i feel destroid and drain after lissening to all this videos i see know why she was like that but still why would i want to put my self through that again and lower my self to that point she never wanted to fix things no matter how calm i bring them up they will turn it around freaking terrible comminicator wish is so important in a relationship.

[@flagirl0315]

Yes these people can be subhuman. No way I’d ever tolerate that again. The last thing someone wants to feel like is they are asking someone to spend time or make an effort. That to me is always the end. They come on strong and pursue you and the moment you buy it they start to treat you like an afterthought

[@sushisam3010]

@@flagirl0315 They seem to want connection but not partnership. It turns out that there is no connection without partnership. That simple.

[@beckymusgrove4784]

In my experience, my DA ex jumped into another relationship before he even had a chance to process our breakup. After 1.5 yrs, he broke up with me on the phone and was so cold and emotionally shutdown. I tried to talk to him in person, and he refused. We had no real conversation about the breakup, and he left things in the most negative and unresolved place possible. Within two months, he was in another relationship, and five months after that got engaged. His son was killed three months after we broke up. So he basically didn’t process our breakup, distracted himself with another relationship, and then rushed into engagement during the honeymoon period shortly after his son was killed. So much about that timeline is mind-boggling and unbelievable to me.

[@sheliasmith2884]

And sis you know how that relationship will go she will eventually feel alone and unfulfilled they don't change.

[@beckymusgrove4784]

@@sheliasmith2884, I do feel it’s headed for disaster once reality sets in. I mean, he’s in no place emotionally to have a healthy relationship. He hasn’t done any work and seems to just be running from his pain and problems. He still never fully processed or took responsibility for his failed marriage before me. What really makes me sad is the effect this will all have on his youngest two boys-he’s doesn’t seem to be thinking of them at all, and it just seems so selfish to me. Maybe there’s some narcissism in there on top of the avoidance.

[@dahliafiend]

Narcissist.

[@emilywilbur4686]

wow same same SAME exact situation except for the death of a son. I'm so sorry you experienced this. It's been the most brutal thing I've had to work through as I was left 2 months after my dog passed away.

[@beckymusgrove4784]

@@emilywilbur4686, it’s definitely brutal. So hard to come to terms with realizing someone wasn’t who you thought they were, but it’s also eye-opening and makes me realize I’m much better off at the same time. It’s also hard not to fall into the trap of imagining their new relationship is so different and better, but then I have to remind myself that he’s running and using this person to distract himself because he hasn’t done the work and doesn’t want to take responsibility. And they haven’t known each other long enough for reality to sink in. It’s coming.

[@Kv-pk2st]

I've heard you comment several times and your videos about DA's feeling defective in some way. My DA Partner made the same comment about feeling defective. It broke my heart to hear that she could feel that way. I said to her (I hope this was the correct thing to do) Babe , we're all a little defective and it's ok.. no one's perfect. it's what we do about it that makes the difference. She had her first therapy appointment 2 weeks ago. Wish us luck

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Good luck ❤

[@imsunnybaby]

this makes things make so much more sense. still thinking about a d.a.... and my emotional communication towards them probably couldnt possibly have made them run away further. pushed them as far away as possible. im sad my desire to connect with them is probably the thing that makes them disconnect so strongly

[@jlw2826]

Uh wait what....I'm under the impression that when someone breaks up with you, then that's it. Why is the person who made the break up breadcrumbing or wanting the other person to make contact again.??

[@katharinaheckmann4962]

Are u a DA? I‘m confused, too…

[@IamLeonisha]

I’m just as confused.

[@PaigeHermence-c4h]

You are right but how you go about it is the important part. Empathy, respect, dignity- if someone needs you to have a conversation in order to disconnect then if you were in a relationship with them- you do owe them that. It’s not just about one person in a break up. Cut and run? Are you 5?

[@Nuppii]

When a DA really has feelings for someone is he most likely to push them away/stonewall/create distance. Does that mean a DA feels less for someone they can keep close? Because they’re not that much in love they have no problems with keeping them around and so they have no need to run?

[@onnol917]

No it means he/she feels that the intensity of emotions is breaking down their armor and leaving them exposed to be hurt. Remember that DA' value emotional safety above everything. Because their survival instinct kick in the internal message goes from "he/she really accepts me and makes me feel safe and loved" to "I will can't give back what they give and I see some flaws so they are not the right fit." Almost everything is subconscious sabotage/self soothing.

[@demaupin]

I'm mostly securely attached, but have a bit of DA going on,so grain of salt, but my experience is no. For me, the things that create that panicky feeling that may make me create space or distance is more: either a feeling that they are impinging upon my independence or my time alone (which I need for emotional self-regulation, despite being fairly extroverted,) more than I am comfortable with, or they seem to have expectations or needs that I feel I cannot possibly meet. What this looks like is, for example, someone who takes it personally if everyday texts or phonecalls aren't immediately returned, and is hurt by that, someone who expects a certain level of enmeshment that feels deeply uncomfortable for me, someone who feels let down if I sort something out on my own rather than relying upon them, etc. Because I'm mostly securely attached, it's easy for me to communicate these feelings/conflicts as they come up and attempt to find solutions that make it possible- or even easy! - for both of us to have our needs met. I automatically see relationships as a _partnership_ where each person can negotiate and adjust and compromise to create that partnership as a beautiful space for both parties, where everyone gets their needs met as much as is possible. But I think that insecurely attached people don't tend to naturally see relationships that way, because their needs are so big, and not getting those needs met is so threatening, that that is really their focus, and they can be much less flexible. And DAs in particular tend not to initiate those discussions (and often the discussions themselves are seen as threatening if the other person tries to engage!), and just withdraw without understanding or considering how that effects others . Often, they don't even reflect on what they're feeling, or the fact that they're distancing, let alone _why_ . Which makes it an _impossible_ situation, especially for anxiously attached partners. But no, in my experience it isn't about the depth of feeling. It can look & feel that way, because there's a reasonable expectation that the desire to join each others' lives and become interdependent signifies deeper feelings. But for DAs, that separateness persists even with the deepest love. The withdrawal takes place more from a feeling that that separateness isn't being recognized or honored, which can feel like a smothering, existential threat. There's an unfair 'my way or the highway' aspect to DA, and really the only way it can work is for the other partner to be very flexible and quite independent themselves, or for the DA to do some serious work on themselves. imo.

[@genevievetang4228]

@@demaupin I wish more people read your comment. :) You are so self-aware and you help other DAs clearly understand themselves and help the person they are in relationship with clearly see what they signed up for :)

[@Alvdz]

I dont understand why you should keep contact after breaking up. Its a break up so you better go your own way and start "no contact" especially if you are the one who was dumped. Am I weird? If kids are involved thats a different world

[@anzelaiv]

You're not weird, it's a personal choice. Not everyone feels the need to completely disconnect. It's not always about children. Sharing the same friend group, being involved in shared activities and causes, living nearby, working together. If the breakup was painful and there's a lot of resentment, then no contact is ideal, but some people just naturally drift apart and there's no reason to completely erase them from our lives if the romantic relationship ended.

[@Alvdz]

@@anzelaiv Pain is the word. Thanks!

[@Alixir1228]

​@@anzelaivnot completely disconnecting is not a clean breakup. There's still an attachment. Gross.

[@margaretschmidt4283]

My ex, with whom I shared 11 years of friendship and 4 in a relationship, vaguely ended our relationship in 10 minutes and then dropped off the face of the earth. He couldn’t commit to living together but didn’t have the decency or courage to say so after all we’ve been through and after all I poured into him. He’s in individual therapy, too. Be careful out there everyone. And to those working on healing - I salute you

[@Braddicusfinch]

Interesting to get this perspective. Went through something recently where she said she needed space and then just never came back. Cut to 3-months later, and we're at the same event (My friend is her brother, dumb of me I know aha) and she goes to him, bearing in mind I was the last one to message, "Why hasn't he said hello to me?" 🤣 Just trying to see the funny side and the understanding side of it all haha

[@eesynopsis7393]

ugh you're better off, that's nauseating behavior

[@edgreen8140]

To all da's doing the work. That's great.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for saying that Ed ❤

[@ericaerickson7430]

My ex, who I thought was a FA, broke off the relationship and has been stone cold for 2 1/2 years. How do you know the difference between a FA and a DA because they seem to have similar reactions? Thanks

[@rhondachalmers1973]

How do you work with someone like this to re-establish a connection, and is that possible?

[@peacefulminds101]

Your insights and observations were so helpful, and I feel like I have a much better understanding of this attachment style as a result of your video. Thank you for creating and sharing your video on Dismissive Avoidants.

[@MmeKunterbunt]

@Thais, I would love to have a Video about break up with a DA and finding closure (on your own). Relating/Continuing to this Video! so what do to, when the DA left you without giving any closure, in my case i only got a (long) letter for break up and never saw him, because he couldnt handle doing it in person. He cut all ties after breakup which means he didnt answer anymore. Its been 6 months, and i still try to process this kind of unpersonal sudden break up i never had before. I had to say so much to him but couldnt and failed to write a Letter because I was so exhausted from my grieve. Your Videos helped me so much and I would love to hear your Perspektice on this.

[@gregwriezener9693]

Same happened to me. One long text and no response ever again. Rather selfish when you think of it since you get no say in any of it and no chance for even a discussion or compromise. I find my subconscious waking me up at night searching for answers that my heart knows will never come. Time is on our side, happy healing

[@ChangePointCounselling-pu3tm]

@@gregwriezener9693 They leave because they have decided that they cannot or don't have the capacity to be in a "normal" relationship. Hope that helps in your healing🙏

[@mdmcpherson8574]

Explains why I got silence both times I’ve tried reaching out to reconnect as friends

[@sifublack192]

As I watch more content on DAs from this channel, I'm questioning where the fine line is between being a DA and being a narcissist. I'm a DA and 70% of these behaviors and coping mechanisms I've never done and/or used.

[@itme7297]

I'd say the difference is intention to hurt.

[@sifublack192]

@@itme7297 you've got a point. That may be the difference.

[@genevievetang4228]

Can I ask what makes you think you are a DA?

[@sifublack192]

@@genevievetang4228 well during this time it was because of my hyper independence. I make it a point to fill my cup so I don't have to have someone fill it for me. Now that I've been officially tested, I'm confirmed to be securely attached with DA leaning traits.

[@genevievetang4228]

@@sifublack192 yeah that makes more sense! That you are securely attached with some DA traits. :) as long as you don’t exhibit insecure attachment behaviors, I don’t think you’re considered insecurely attached.

[@teresaadams7368]

This is why they go silent, but if you still love that man, is there any communication that might cause him to want to reopen the line of communication?

[@IamLeonisha]

I’m confused by this. Why would any attachment style not go silent? You broke up for a reason. What more is there to talk about after a breakup. 🤷🏽‍♀️ Everyone doesn’t want to be friends with their exes.

[@fieryheadedgirl]

It's about the manner of the breakup. It can happen out of nowhere and instead of answering some questions / resolving / giving closure they just disappear like you never existed. 4 months ago my long-term serious boyfriend (1.5 years) who told me he loved me and we had a future together was due to meet my parents for the first time. I flew to England ahead of him and he was due to join me. One week he said he was looking forward to it and loved me. Next week he broke up by text and ghosted. Before I even understood what was going on and why he'd left my life. My world turned upside down. So confusing, so painful. No phone call. No replies to my questions. Left on read. Gone. I never heard from him ever again. It's been 4 months. Mutual friends are flabbergasted.

[@julesD0222]

@@fieryheadedgirlAny update? Did he reach out to you after?

[@fieryheadedgirl]

Never. It's now been 7 months. I never heard from him again and I still can't believe it. Still in pain. Feels like someone died. Feels like being discarded like trash after making someone your whole life. @@julesD0222

[@Alixir1228]

If you love each other it is quite literally impossible to stay away. Unsure if that's a good thing or not 😅. I keep ending up back with my avoidant after breaking up with him.

[@martine5716]

Thank you so much, your timing for this couldn't be better. As an FA i get why he did it, things were getting "real" and neither of us were secure enough to realise what was happening or knew what to do. I was in the middle of exams when just decided he didn't want to do this anymore and being so stressed I lost it at him 😢 It was only then that started looking at attachment styles and realised what was going on. I don't blame him for not wanting to speak to me. I have apologised over text but I don't know what else I can do. So in the meantime, last night to be exact, I have joined the PDS community to make sure I become secure. I wish there was a way to get him to do the same but I doubt he's even in a space to contemplate a suggestion over text, it sounds like he'd probably just see it as another defect he has, and that hurts me to even think about because I hurt him enough to retreat. I know it's not all my fault, but it still hurts😢

[@15wwe15]

I would say nothing more to him, I'm happy you decided to investigate to be secure and in the long run you're goin' to look back and say..."I've dodged a bullet there", believe it or not, this was going yo happen either o not you were in a comitted relationship with him. It's soo easy to go through this rabbit hole of doing what it takes to get him back, but I must say, YOU should convince NO ONE to be part of youre life.

[@0Demiyah0]

As an FA, I was pleasantly relieved with the silence of DA's after the break-up. I dislike the boundary crossing, bartering, begging, negotiating side of AP's. Like a Jehova putting their foot in the door opening to convert me when I already have my own religion.

[@AngelofHogwarts]

As an AP, let me assure you that though it stems from trauma...the need for closure or atleast a 1-sentence explanation as to why they're making an abrupt exit is as well-engrained in our being as the distancing is in yours. We genuinely care about the person and we give it our all like the Labrador Retrievers we are lol. We want to see them thrive and smile and have no issues investing energy and time and bearing our whole hearts to them. APs bring a certain intensity and passion and unyielding trust (which can be too much at times). We try to understand DAs and FAs and their need for distance and space (we also give it to them for days or weeks at a time even though we want nothing more than to hear from them and share a meme we saved)....so please don't shame us for our attachment style.

[@asmallbitchybanana]

The Da told me one day “ive always felt like i have nothing worthy to offer 5o a good woman”. That hit me deep.

[@dloaded]

That’s basically what my FA/DA said to me a month before she ended things ☹️ I had told her I loved her, and she told me she felt incredulous because she didn’t know what she had to offer me, so basically she didn’t trust my love coz she didn’t feel like there was anything to love about her 😭

[@KarlJeager]

@@dloaded So I take it you didn't offer a rational reason or list of reasons as to why you loved or what about this person you loved? I am certainly not knowledgeable about this subject but that is what I would want, something that can be named or seen that I could then know this is why I have value, some kind of personal proof that I can offer something to a relationship.

[@dloaded]

@@KarlJeager Oh, I most certainly did, and frequently so. I am a big words of affirmation love linguist 😄 But it didn’t sway her unfortunately. I think her self-love was too lacking and her inner saboteur too influential to be overridden by anything I said or did 😢

[@Zen4life-]

My DA used the exact same words. . . Your the whole package and your a good woman. Words mean nothing many times.

[@ChangePointCounselling-pu3tm]

The DA says that because they are aware they don't offer much. They know they can BUT don't do so because their various fears about being in a relationship hold them back.

[@kttleelee802]

It’s total not worthwhile to deal with a DA - just dump them once identified- it is what they only deserve end of the day. They basically have no ability to connect people emotionally.

[@tinacanavan7477]

I have to agree. It really is not worth it and you end up doing all the work in the relationship.

[@antimatters6283]

I've known men and women who believe a "clean break" from a relationship is best, usually after attempts to work it out fail. I've also seen cases where people try to be friends afterward a breakup and it doesn't work out well for either of them. Divorce with kids is more complex to break contact, but for dating, I'm not sure this video really explains why people break contact. Often it seems people are looking to move on and not a lot more is in play. I've certainly heard that advice from others. The reasons in the video may be valid, but it doesn't cover all cases of cold breaking off, doesn't mean the person is Dismissive Avoidant.

[@suzp8320]

My ex wants to be friends. He left abruptly 2 years ago, and we've been divorce for almost a year after 30 years of marriage. I don't know how you can just "turn off" being intimate to just being friends. I'm distant because I can't be with him, and not want to be his wife. I don't know how to be this "friend" that he wants.

[@demaupin]

Exactly. The question _why would they disengage if you break up with them_ ?' was a strange way to frame it. The answer is in the second part of the question. I generally want to try to work things out, and I make that known, but if someone breaks up with me, *they* are saying no to that and cutting ties, not me. I do prefer to remain friends, or at least friendly, with exes (provided there was no major betrayal,) but relationships don't just shift from partners to friends that way. Almost always, there needs to be a period of time where you separate, reprioritize, heal - and then maybe somewhere down the line you can reconnect. So doing what you can to keep it amicable, having an honest closure talk if either side wants that, etc., then disengaging as fully as you possibly can (which, if you don't have kids, property, etc. together is 100%,) seems just... very healthy? Automatically framing disengagement as a way to avoid feeling feelings seems like a big jump to me. The way it was described would make it do easy for the partner who was the dumper but wants to just shift into a friendship/undefined whatever (very common, either because the dumper doesn't have the deep romantic/sexual feelings anymore, or because it helps assuage their guilt,) to point to the response from the dumpee as unhealthy when it is just as likely to be the most healthy. After all, the dumper doesn't really know if the person they dumped is 'feeling their feelings' or avoiding them, and at that point they've made it none of their business either way. I feel like the differentiation could have been made much more clear in the video.

[@cherylthompson2731]

My DA came back ( again) in April. He called every day, said he wanted to come back to me, then he disappeared...again. I haven't seen him since then. 4 years of this. No more.

[@corr9739]

Thank you for this video. I broke up with my DA boyfriend almost two weeks ago and it has been no contact at all. I hope we can be friends one day but I'm not interested in being in a relationship.

[@nkuebler]

Sliding into the comments here with a POV… the silence here is no different than someone deploying a no contact format for self healing, which is often seen as best practice. So what is the difference? Other than how we choose to view this?

[@QueenHuntress]

I go silent after it’s over coz it’s over and I don’t have to spend my time on them anymore coz we’re no longer in a relationship. That’s why the breakup happened, so I don’t have to interact with them anymore. Why would I continue contact when the relationship is over? That makes literally no sense. Do people frequently continue contact with people they don’t have relationships with? Am I supposed to keep contact? What was the breaking up for? Why break up if you’re going to keep them around? Who does that? I break up with them to get them out of my life. That’s the reason breakups happen, to end the connection. I don’t need their presence around in order to grieve. It sounds incredibly unhealthy to keep contact with a failed partner. You’re supposed to move on and cease contact unless you have kids.

[@MmeKunterbunt]

Not everyone who breaks up with another Person wants to throw them out of their life fully or cut all ties- even if it might be better in the Initial stage after a breakup. Breaking up means you dont want to continue a romantic relationship with the other Person but it doesnt have to mean you want/feel the urgent need to erase them completely or ignore them from the day of the break up. This flight reaction is typical for DA's. Also ghosting and all these Kind of things you wouldnt typically do when you are secure and can process your emotions better.

[@Anna-ei9ng]

These types will push you away for weeks or months until you have no choice but to initiate the breakup yourself, even if you don’t want to leave. Their actions are confusing and hurtful . It’s unfortunate in my experience I was also denied closure

[@jlux4481]

Amen. Same for me. I just move on.

[@joeflores174]

Tell that to my DA ex who kept in contact with ALL her exes. It’s a way to keep male orbiters around for validation and attention when she was deactivating from me. Well I have too much self respect to be a part of that group, I blocked her even though she wanted to remain friends after she broke up with me. Sorry, I’m not friends with people who discard me.

[@QueenHuntress]

@@joeflores174 that sounds more like a narcissist than a DA. I don’t keep my exes. I go full scorched earth. Narcissists keep them around for triangulation of their current supply victim and drama coz they thrive on drama, but DAs avoid drama. Lots of people confuse DA and narcissists but they are usually different critters. Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

[@TheEtherealgrl]

I love your content. This stuff is fascinating and eye opening. Keep it coming!

[@finsen215]

I appreciate you so much Thais! I would love an in depth explanation on why a DA would consider rekindling after a break up. What would make them reconsider, since I understand that this is the attachment style least willing to do so. I get this feeling that even though they might regret, their strategies hold them back. Would intense love and missing their ex then outweigh their fears?

[@dloaded]

@Finsen21 She has many videos in her DA playlist that address your questions 😉

[@finsen215]

@@dloaded I’ve seen them all, still don’t feel that it answers my question completely

[@HustleHabit]

@@finsen215 Unfortunately, you'll probably never get an answer to satisfy your pain.

[@ChangePointCounselling-pu3tm]

Hi, I don't have enough info but it is worth a try to reach out first to the DA after some time IF you really see value to have the DA back in your life again. When the DA has equilibrated, there is a chance that their feelings will intensify again.

[@finsen215]

@@ChangePointCounselling-pu3tm Thank you so much. I think I’ll try that. It’s been almost six weeks of no contact.

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

After the approx. 6 weeks - 3-month mark, do DAs still tell themselves those stories about why it wouldn't have worked anyways? If not, what's their next strategy?

[@Lord_of_Dread]

Unfortunately, with time we end up just being proven right. I look back at all of my exes and past interests now and then and think 'thank christ I got out when I did'. I don't even know what I saw in most of the people I used to be interested in. Infatuation is just the result of chemicals fucking with your brain and clouding your judgement. When the rational brain is allowed to take over, things become much clearer. Oxytocin is a deceiver! Luckily these days I recognise when my physiology is trying to decieve me in real time. Often there's a girl I've already seen seriously repugnant qualities in, but she's attractive and I find my eyes magnetised to her, and then she plays on my mind. Being the absolute unit that I am, I override that shit and shut it down. There is only one commander in this body and it's not some fucking neurotransmitter. In the words of Annihilator; 'I am in command!'

[@cleopatrajones7096]

Speaking for me in the past as a DA, yes. I tell myself it wasn’t meant to be. Rarely do I come back. Most people start fights, accuse or blame. Sadly I had a former partner who was just a great guy but I felt no attraction. That was the hardest breakup and he wanted nothing to do with me afterwards which I understood. People like him are hard to come by. I think of him fondly and no regrets.

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

@@cleopatrajones7096 Thanks for your honest experience Cleopatra :). People like him are hard to come by and you think of him fondly, but no regrets, right?

[@cleopatrajones7096]

@@lifecoachingtoronto I tried to create attraction and I couldn’t. It would be dishonest to be with him and he with me. He’s much happier now with a woman who truly loves him. I wanted to be with a man who could be mature without name calling. He’s the only one I’ve found. There has to be more than one person out there in the world that knows how to have a conversation without having to resort to swearing? My threshold is low. I can’t go lower than that.

[@drewby_dooby_doo]

​@@cleopatrajones7096 what sort of attraction was lacking? Surely it was there in the beginning? Why do you think it faded?

[@janeharris6734]

I am secure/AP.... I dated a someone who acted more like an AP initially......as in daily contact, spending lots of time together. I thought I had met someone who liked the same amount of connection as me..... Then he started to pull back, talked to him about and asked what his needs were so we could work out a healthy balance for contact that worked for both of us. Contact picked up, then dropped back to even less than before. I realised he was DA 😔 I started getting triggered by his gaining coldness and inconsistant behaviour. I gave him space and tried to get some contact (twice a week)...... I still ended up getting dumped 💔

[@fieryheadedgirl]

Same. It's been 4 months for me.

[@PaigeHermence-c4h]

I got the same response you would give to a boss you hate.. “hope we can be friends.” “All the best” …. Sorry what?! Excuse me? These people are so under evolved it’s like a little kid in an adult body. And I’m so sick of the “empathy” we should provide to them if they are absolutely incapable of being a kind human. Just grow up and deal like everyone else who’s had trauma. Let me know how you’re doing in 10 years… when you’re 50.

[@fieryheadedgirl]

Is this the same for FAs?

[@MB-Music23]

Thais did you get married? I haven’t been on here for some time. If so many congrats! If not your ring is beautiful!! And God bless the day of your wedding. This video is truly breakthrough mindblowing for partners

[@itsaplantlife9850]

If I broke up via email to give time to read and respond on Thursday and saw him Friday when I went to get our child for my weekend, if he was in the best mood I've ever seen, very smiley, did I just witness a mask or was he very glad to be free of me?

[@sheliasmith2884]

Probably a mask don't forget what we have been taught about them they suppress everything come off like they are ok bit they are not I could write a book on them I don't ever want to meet another if I do I'm running for the hills.

[@whatt.2065]

Why would anyone breakup via email?

[@itsaplantlife9850]

@@whatt.2065 Do you know dismissives? Mine, anything outside of rhetoric or administration of the house, he stonewalls. I can't even state I'm sad or cry without him shutting down and walking away. How could I ever get enough words out to break up with my voice?

[@BrookT]

How can you get them back?

[@demaupin]

You don't.

[@motherofintuitives]

my INTJ daughter was born with a DA attitude that became quite clear around age 10.....after I met and validated all her early childhood emotional needs through attachment parenting. It's unfortunate that you seem to have come to a final conclusion that DA only comes from emotional neglect and invalidation......these attachment styles are innate to specific personality types and then they are exacerbated or attenuated by parenting styles.....a person can end up DA with a very emotionally sensitive aware attuned validating nurturing parent.....my INTJ daughter is a living example.....

[@nateo200]

I think a lot of Ni doms tend to be avoidant. I think I am an INFJ from genetics but also needing to learn to be intuitive to predict my mothers erratic narcissistic behavior and abuse. Perceivers like INFJ, INTJ, ENFP, ENTP like freedom and so they definitely can become avoidant especially with abuse or neglect but even with just feeling controlled.

[@motherofintuitives]

all my INTJ exes have been avoidant just like my INTJ daughter....I'm INFJ....I may seem avoidant to majority of general population since over 75% general population are sensors that cant understand or appreciate me.....but with my chosen intuitive mate I am anxious@@nateo200

[@motherofintuitives]

I dont know why you call INFJ INTJ ENFP ENTP perceivers...I would call that group the group of intuitive doms.....ENFP ENTP being Ne doms and INFJ INTJ being the Ni doms....thats the best way to describe that group of types from my perspective...perceivers are P types....@@nateo200

[@KarlJeager]

This seems a very strange topic, unless you have established a different relationship separate from the previous romantic one (Friendship, co-parent etc) then having ended your relationship there is no reason to continue further communication, this person is not in a relationship with you just like the other several billion people that are also not in a relationship with you and as such don't owe you anything.

[@LucaAnamaria]

This is a very utilitarian assessment of reality. That's like saying: "When you grow up, you no longer need your parents so you can just stop talking to them."

[@KarlJeager]

@@LucaAnamaria I would disagree with the comparison, your parents still have a familial relationship with you even if they are no longer in a guardian relationship. Of course taken completely literally your quoted statement is true, as you both do not "need" them and you "can" stop talking to them as an adult as many people who have had a bad relationship with their parents indeed do. If the only relationship two people have is a romantic one, once it ends there is nothing left between them and if they want to continue interacting they should from a base for a different relationship, and if any other relationship isn't satisfactory to either person then it is done.

[@LucaAnamaria]

@@KarlJeager Given that we're talking about romantic relationships and not one-night-stands or FwB, there is usually a friendship that remains or at least a caring acquaintance relationship. Why would a person feel the need to obliterate that? What would be the point?

[@KarlJeager]

@@LucaAnamaria Ideally that would be the case, but from my perspective is seems common for romantic relationships to end with active dislike, I honestly can't think of anyone I know who didn't express either dislike of or bitter indifference to what happens in the life of their former partner, perhaps you have had different observations. As far as I can see in order for a caring or friendly relationship to exist after, there has to be more positive emotional reasons than the negative ones that caused the romantic failure, and enough to overcome the remembered hurt of rejection for the rejected party, (unless they have achieved the near miracle of mutually coming to the conclusion they don't work together, rather then what seems more common of trying and trying and trying, then giving up in disgust) then they are going to need some friend things to do or it will just fizzle out like all the other friendships people used to have, and if the positives don't outweigh the negatives more than can be found with other people without the potential of bringing up painful memories, it is likely other people will take priority, or if we don't have all these positives the question will need to be answered, why would you keep someone in your life that just brings negatives?

[@fieryheadedgirl]

They owe you an explanation. They owe you respect and consideration for your feelings. Avoidants drop off the face of the earth and that's not right. That's why people come here and watch these videos, hoping to understand the thought process of their ex in order to attain some form of closure.

[@RitaP41]

Thanks Thais! And YOU LOOK AMAZING!!! 🤩😍🤩

[@simoneribas4353]

I am a DA

[@roshalllambert]

Great video and explanation of individuation!

[@JM-md4ux]

Selfish honestly.

[@tarkov666]

I will never understand how one is supposed to have sympathy for someone being emotionally unavailable towards you, but in the same breathe defend them by saying its cause their parents were emotionally unavailable to them...

[@gilliamm.5732]

Thanks!

[@Ben-ru9ju]

I love Thais, but you can tell she hasn't had someone pass who was very close to her when she explains "missing traits of the person" after they pass, not the person themselves, and then she goes on to explain how to replace them with substatute needs. Not accurate at all. And it comes across a bit insensitive.

[@adamwood87]

i take it you're referring to 6:38. Thais has said this in several videos, and i'm with you that what i miss is the antipode of what she suggests. it starts to get into unfalsifiable-claim territory, but whenever i miss someone, it's always the physical aspects.

[@Mississippian]

I see nothing insensitive about her choice of words. We don't miss the person but how they made us feel through their traits, even if it was just their physical presence. That connection can always be recreated.

[@anzelaiv]

What is the difference between "missing the actual person" and "missing traits of that person"? If we experience people in our lives then that experience is what is missed (their traits, how they made us feel when they were around, and what meaning we've assigned to them). The way I see it, missing the person is an abstract idea, if you dig deep, you'll be able to tell what made them special and what makes you miss them, which in turn can give you some awareness about what your subconscious needs are. I had several of the closest people pass and I have no problem with this description. People are rarely replaceable in our lives because of the special connection we were able to form but we can fill some of that void by addressing the needs this connection filled for us because the way we meet our needs can change. It's not insensitive, it's a healthy way to survive grief.

[@stacinaturenuts9060]

As a DA, after a break-up, what is there left to say? What do U want from me now? I'm no longer your emotional thermostat. Find another like U found me.

[@Jatee-hw1wp]

Dang.

[@JaneM.Blackboot]

How can we help people like this?

[@AngelofHogwarts]

Often time, you can't. You can be as empathetic as you want but sometimes they will see your pain and suffering and still not reach out to comfort/console you because they have their own issues and fears that hold them back from doing so. They have to do the self-work themselves. It's not your job to help somebody who doesn't yet recognize their patterns of behavior and how damaging it is. I personally have conveyed very clearly how ghosting was affecting me and what it does to a person on a psychological level. I also informed them that I knew that their childhood difficulties contributed to the way they were behaving with me right now. This was my attempt to show them that this might be something they want to work on (just as I have identified the issues that I need to work on alone).

[@Ytdeletesallmycomments]

You can not.

[@asmallbitchybanana]

He does it to me after every break up. We have broken up for good, and even after the break up the DA and i still gets into fights. Terrible.

[@tuca3434]

after every break up? gurl just stop it, whatever is happening in there isnt healthy, you'll be better off without him

[@asmallbitchybanana]

I meant when we were still together. Yeah we havent been together since January. But he tries to fake control me by telling me how to live my life and i wont have it.