Is Self-Silencing in Relationships Making You Less Attractive?

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In this video, Thais Gibson reveals the damaging nature behind self-silencing and its costs on your relationships. Watch now to find out what self-silencing is and how to keep it from sabotaging your love life as Thais offers up some guidance and useful tips, especially for the anxious attachment style (anxious preoccupied attachment style).
For more information check out the course, Discover, Embrace & Fulfill Your Personal Needs to work on this on your healing journey towards becoming securely attached!
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:00:33 - What Is Self-Silencing and Its Costs
00:07:08 - Summary
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Hey there! I'm Thais Gibson, and this is the channel where I teach you how to transform your life.
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[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

What is your experience with Self-Silencing?

[@sillymamacita3854]

Wow!!!! People pleasing is a form of emotional unavailability 😮

[@almosdezsi6236]

As someone that has always fallen into this pattern of self silencing, wow. Constant melancholy, accepting that I’ll never get what I want or need, this is profound put into words. My father said before you marry keep your eyes wide open, once you’ve married you keep them half closed. It’s what I have done my entire adult life. Even when expressing boundaries and ideas (before things get serious) one commitment is made, none of those are enforced. A couple years later I’m like how the hell did this happen? Unfulfilling interactions, blatant disrespect, shaming, and the vulgar comparisons and language used towards me. Expectations of confidentiality and privacy out the window, the feelings of being lonely, useless, misled, betrayed and ignored. The loathing that the other had for you, now has you doing the same. It’s pathetic and emasculating. People will treat you how you let them. This has been eye opening...thank you

[@howtosober]

This generally starts to bring out the dismissive side of my FA attachment as I get progressively more annoyed with trying to get the AP to just be direct and they instead continue with all kinds of passive aggressive and protest behaviors. After awhile, doing all the emotional labor for someone that won't even speak up for their own needs just starts to be too irritating to continue.

[@lucytownsend1176]

I am an FA self silencer. It led to me “waking up” a few years ago and feeling the extreme pain of awareness around my having abandoned myself over and over again to my husband for most of our relationship.

[@soulstudiosmusic]

You may want to correct the title

[@electromagneticbliss]

I did not self-silence my entire life, until dating a DA 6 months ago. The shock and trauma of being ghosted for expressing a normal emotion, asking a basic question that triggers shame in the DA and then the waiting game for the breadcrumb texts is just too much for a healthy person to bear. I spent 3 months learning how to relate better to a DA and now it is 3 months of breakup recovery. It was not worth it on all levels of my being. I am returning to the positive, chatty, friendly person I was. I know how to express my needs, I just was having to silence myself to make the DA comfortable. Never again.

[@liliaaaaaaaa]

Yup. I hear you there. That's why they also call the DA narcissist light. Not quite narcissist but almost, so you may as well just say narcissistic. If you want a proper healthy relationship, you need to be yourself. If the DA is not able to accept you as you are, then let them go off and find someone else who is able to be that perfect stone rock doll robot that they are looking for and find someone who appreciates you and values you for who you are.

[@catherinehenry9722]

I can relate to your experience with your DA. I have been going through a similar experience. From the self assessment tool, I am a mix of FA and some AP. Trying to figure out which direction to take right now. Thank you for sharing.

[@nitacollins3645]

I was an AP though now secure and with a DA I self-silenced because imagine tiptoeing around someone who hears mouse farts to a painful level and triggers misophonia anger.. As a child I was hyperlexic and shamed for talking too much so ,by teen yrs I was selectively mute. I think I just learned to adapt to any situation. which isnt so great for boundaries.

[@sparrowwilson4514]

Yep. 6 weeks out of a relationship with a DA and didn’t realise how much mental energy I wasted being frustrated, unsatisfied and walking on eggshells to make him happy. DAs are the most selfish people on the planet. Avoid like the plague because they are not worth the hassle. They will suck all of the joy out of your life and still tell you it’s YOUR fault that you’re unhappy.

[@Masterpeaker]

You are so right! DA ex-girlfriend deactivated, ran away, started ghosting and blocked all channels. Out of the blue after 3 months of beautiful love. Went on holiday together, was introduced to her kids and family and was telling me she wanted to get old with me. The coldness, the total lack of empathy and compassion is just unreal. It drives you completely crazy, can't stop thinking about how bizar this is. Self-theraphy, self-care and daily gym to recover from this evil nasty experience. These people have a very serious mental disorder they don't want to know or hear about. They are completely broken inside and unbelievably stubborn. It will make me stronger and wiser, but i will leave a big scar on my heart. Hurt people hurt people, seriously hurt people, hurt people seriously. Really sick!

[@helensiebeneich9106]

This also leads to pent-up anger towards the other person, first unconsciously until it erupts and gets conscious

[@dannycolwell8028]

I think another thing that causes fear in the AP is that, in putting this into practice, we might have to lose the person we are already with. And that’s like life’s biggest fear for the typical AP.

[@brn2452]

I literally questioned this about my relationship today after watching the video. I’m learning to trust that I am loved unconditionally and that we will find a way to work together even if I change. He is somewhat secure with DA tendencies. Not being able to predict how things might look if I stop silencing myself I suppose if things were to break down then I will be prepared for something healthier and more stable with someone else in the future. I have begun sharing PDS videos and shorts with him and it has generated a new willingness to consider our differences and the start of better understanding and communication between us. I will be encouraging growth and learning together but more importantly for myself. Best of luck to all reading and watching.

[@sadiqua7]

@@brn2452damn, I wish I could be sharing this knowledge with my FA ex. He literally shut down and hasn’t responded to me for weeks after I sent a video on attachment. I’m sad about it. Good for you 2, you have a mature partner willing to put in effort. Jealous! 😊

[@MaLiseG]

​@sadiqua7 what is DA and FA?

[@LeeChrissy]

​@@sadiqua7I'd just focus on working on yourself and go no contact. I joined PDS after my ex avoidant and I ended. Best thing I ever did. I'm a FA and he's a DA. We can't control what people do on their end but we can heal ourselves in the meantime. ❤

[@PeterWhite7]

Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.

[@DailamiPuang]

its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back

[@PeterWhite7]

@@DailamiPuang Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?

[@DailamiPuang]

@@PeterWhite7 Her name is *Victoria Lee hess*, and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.

[@PeterWhite7]

@@DailamiPuang Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive

[@victorbanfield2812]

Yow yall need to stop with this spam...people be experiencing real struggles and you guys trying to cash in on peoples pain....i saw this exact comment and reply on another video which points to your "helper".... dont fill her comments with your spam please

[@eileendom5858]

Anytime I expressed myself, I was told by the DA that I was never satisfied. The usual me wants to express myself. I didn’t want to be the constant complainer. I also was told I was the only one who constantly had issues, I believed it was me and I needed to keep quiet. After all, he was once married for 10 years and single for 10 years after divorce. Maybe I wasn’t good enough with all the qualities for him, but I had to walk away with my sanity. I have always been told by grandma I wasn’t good enough or pretty enough. Now I want to learn about me. I go through doubt about my decision to walk. I couldn’t take his silence, his bread crumbs, his double standards. If I did what he did, I was very cruel.

[@ipaycloseattention]

I'm with a DA. As far as he's concerned, I am not allowed to have needs or wants or feelings because he doesn't. He takes care of himself so I'm supposed to too.

[@emilyb5557]

Have you tried showing that you can and do get your needs met elsewhere or by yourself reliably. When they see you aren't expecting them to do & be everything sometimes they actually feel more able to give to you! So then you show that you want them to meet some of them, alongside this (keep up the activities actions to meet needs other ways alongside?) Be specific re what you want from them eg a hug in the morning or a text before bed.

[@robertdeskoski9783]

@@emilyb5557: Yeah, not everyone can do that depending on the situation. Empathy is required on both ends.

[@Bookooky]

The key tip is to stop meeting his needs. No more sex without first receiving a compliment, massage, housework, etc. It works trust me. And also start leaving him more alone and hang out with friends, and post pictures especially. He will start acting right in this environment as he will feel the concern.

[@CHK12319]

Whoah I thought I had largely healed my anxious attachment but I definitely still do this.

[@Calicokitty2]

This was me before PDS. I had feelings, needs, and reactions, but I didn't think they were valid and I had to conform. So wish I had known..., but now I do and I'm teaching my kids differently.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You are a great parent ❤

[@declan7974]

This is the thing I’m mainly unlearning rn, but I’m in the painful place with my partner where I understand my needs enough to know they’re not being met, but not enough to be able to communicate them to him in a way he understands and just creates a lot of mutual frustration and led to the self silencing in the first place.

[@brn2452]

Have you thought about telling him about your current journey? I was in power struggle stage and decided one of the videos explained my perspective perfectly on an issue we have repeatedly argued about (I didn’t silence but I did nag which might as well have been self silencing). I shared the video with him, asking if he would dedicate those few minutes to watch and fully consider the video content. His response has been encouraging. For the first time in 3 years my DA partner seems to have an open mind to how he contributes to both the successes and challenges in our relationship.

[@incognitoyo8606]

@@brn2452would love to know which video you sent him? Thank you.

[@anothercat9600]

So true. Many times we APs are very proud: "Do I need to express this in words? Am I not attractive enough for him to want to figure out that I want this?" Or we walk on eggshells. Not expressing our needs through words.

[@LaurensLifePhotoJournal]

Spot on Thais. You are helping me so much. I am excited to be doing the IAT training with you starting tonight. You have helped me grow so much. God bless you! I thank God for you dear girl!!!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Wonderful to hear! You're going to help so many people! :)

[@Yasmin-rf2ne]

oh god, that’s me, but i identify as a FA

[@justynalitwin-martinelli5687]

Me too

[@lauraschleifer4721]

Same

[@LMTaylor_]

Ok, cool. I was going to ask about this because this seems like my best friend, but I figured he was FA, not AP. Maybe FA does this as well?

[@Yasmin-rf2ne]

@@sunbeam9222 we have both AP and DA attributes, how lucky

[@Yasmin-rf2ne]

@@LMTaylor_ this FA certainly does that, actually doing it right now ✌🏻

[@brn2452]

Much needed information. I self silenced to be more likeable having always been told I was a handful and felt like any boundaries, requests, or standards would make me less attractive as a partner. #corewounds

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@peterhewitson2669]

Thank you Thais, another really helpful video❤

[@russd3029]

This is what I've experienced so much in relationships. Little did I know I was keeping my trait variety from contributing to the relationship. And to better understand why I was doing it, to think I was avoiding abandonment has meant so much. I've taken the time to better know myself and can tell a difference in relationship dynamics since. Thais, thank you again!

[@wonderfullymade6573]

Each video reveals another layer of what's wrong with me when it comes to relationships and makes me feel like true healing can never really be attainable because of the shame that comes with it. Being an AP is a lot to undo and unlearn.

[@brn2452]

Don’t be discouraged. Yes it is work but it’s worth it! The things, situations etc., that conditioned your anxious preoccupation did not happen overnight they were probably repeated and ingrained over a significant chunk of your life. Even having insight to your attachment style is a positive thing. Don’t avoid the tough questions or shadow work. Utilize these fantastic free tools and eventually you will know yourself and your tendencies much better and see newer more balanced ways of thinking, being and relating.

[@emilyb5557]

Aww, understanding is the first step... although it can feel a lot I know! You can heal the shame and the wounds causing you to be AP too. Start by giving more to yourself and being on your side. Keep watching videos and maybe come into PDS and do some courses and webinars. Lots of APs getting healed ❤

[@CHK12319]

You can do it! Even small steps of progress can cause leaps in your mental health and quality of relationships. I’m not 100% healed but I’m 90% or so and I cannot over-emphasize the enhancement in my quality of life. Truly night and day.

[@slick_Ric]

thank you so much for the segment from 4:22 to 7:07, you have no idea how much that spoke to me directly as a mostly secure FA, with so much i dealt with my whole life. God bless you

[@nicolasvankalck802]

Thank you !

[@catherinehenry9722]

This is very enlightening to me. I've never thought of my pleasing others in this way!! ...but I do recognize and understand what you're outlining here. Life changing! perspective. Thank you.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You're welcome

[@katyunderwood790]

This hit me 1000%... thank you... that makes SO much sense.. 🙏🙏

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@jazmina1343]

Hmm this explains a lot. I’ve never knew there was a term for this type of behavior pattern. Great video!

[@roshalllambert]

I always love how Thais gives the root cause of behaviour!

[@jazmynegrace577]

Definitely needed to hear this. Sometimes it takes the millionth time😅

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

Ok,I feel like I'm getting real close to joining this school. I'm intimidated because I feel like I may have a learning disability possibly and am just now having the time to learn about computers,but the things you talk about have me very interested. Like these things seem more important to me than anything in this life possibly for some reason.

[@daniellelazenby3397]

I’m going through about the tenth round of ghosting with mine. I’m done with this bullshit. Coddling them just for them to not give a shit how they affect you. I’m done giving all of myself to someone who runs like a child and bullies me out of experiencing my own emotions.

[@iiAngelic]

Can you make a video about how the DA will be long term in a relationship if unhealed?

[@lilove6560]

Old patterns re-emerge: affects professional life too 😣

[@The100deer]

For me it's relatively easy to recognize the need. The hard part is figuring out how to say it in a way the person will be able to truly hear without feeling attacked or pushed away. And then the question of when to have the conversation. I'm struggling with this in my current situation and it's definitely leading to feelings of resentment (Why isn't this obvious? Why should I even have to say this?). At this point I'm prepared for the relationship to end if they can't meet my needs - it will be okay - I just don't want to bring that about unnecessarily by poorly chosen words or timing.

[@imsickoflife1651]

I have had selective mutism since I was 3. It’s only getting worse as I age.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Is this something you do? Have done before?

[@genie5935]

I need this to echo inside of me

[@sqfanatic]

The 5-minute mark is where the answers start.

[@auroraborealis6398]

I tell them too late most times

[@dustinquinton]

I learned about this word from my ex wife, who is a DA. The word is……RUN. They are the least vulnerable people and you will feel lonely in a relationship. And don’t try to fix them, it’s not your job and the chances of them changing are pretty low.

[@michaelhagerman7829]

👏👏👏👏👏👍👍😎

[@lolitamedne9898]

Avodants self-silence even more??

[@purplepheasant4776]

Yes