The Dismissive Avoidant's Idea of a Healthy Relationship | Dismissive Avoidant Attachment

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In this video I take a deep dive into what constitutes a healthy and intimate relationship for a Dismissive Avoidant. Dismissive Avoidant attachment style personalities so often feel unloved by their partners (& that their needs aren't being met) but all that's really needed is a little understanding. Based on my extensive experience with DA attachment types, I believe the ideas in this video hold true in about 95% of all relevant situations.
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[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

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[@Alex-oy6ci]

This is really good quality. Thank you.

[@glowingowl221]

Never felt lonelier than while dating a dismissive avoidant

[@joshuagharis9017]

Engaged to one now who's also an abstaining alcoholic...tell me about it. Feels like I'm the only one who wants to open up

[@helenachase78]

@@joshuagharis9017 get out and save yourself

[@lotusvibration]

I am married to one and have been for almost 3 years . Please get out now and save yourself.

[@sala320]

How do you differentiate fearful vs dismissive

[@salemu9559]

FA are emotionally connected & can easily b vulnerable

[@johnnycassell4338]

The idea that these are the things they want while they crap on you and repeatedly abandon you is beyond unimaginable...

[@Oceansta]

Amen 🙏🏽

[@Zeverinsen]

*Just go then.* It's better to leave the situation than to stay and become bitter.

[@johnnycassell4338]

@@Zeverinsen solid advice. I left a long time ago. Life is so much better without a cold wet dysfunctional blanket laying on you .

[@Litthrudarkness]

I wonder if you were dealing with a narcissist. We all are on the spectrum. I think DA's and narcissists have similar qualities

[@HowardDee]

@@Litthrudarkness similar. but entirely different also - Narcs are out to hurt you to get supply - Avoidants are not, they just want to protect their autonomy and independence.

[@AmandaMG6]

If you’re codependent, get help. If you’re dismissive-avoidant, get help. You’re not to blame for your issues, but you’re responsible for your own recovery.

[@Anime_kitten]

I will put up boundaries now. however i am who i am

[@StephJ0seph]

oof

[@GotoMaki4Micah]

people love to say if you love them stay with them and help and work with them. you are not the professional help that they need. family members as well as the partner will be happy to tell you that you failed them if they have so many issues that work against the relationship that you need to leave. so many in the comments seem to have a one sided relationship with a manipulative withholding selfish asshole. they dont see it because he was probably nice at first just to reel them in.

[@werlkj567]

@@GotoMaki4Micah I see what you're saying about people doing this. They reel you in with lots of attention up front and want affection, but very quickly they don't reciprocate. They don't know how to love. They tend to lie. Tend to have issues with substances. Tend to use unkind words. They are lonely and have issues but aren't actively working on their issues and emotional well-being. They see having a partner is the goal in life... they don't understand that caring for him or herself and others is the goal. They don't know how to love. They only understand life in a superficial way.

[@JoseRodriguez-pn8yj]

@@Anime_kitten You mean walls. 😕

[@Quantumsupercomputer]

It’s amazing how much criticism and cruelty they can dish out and yet... even when sugar coated, can’t take even the slightest amount of being held accountable.

[@toby2581]

lol mad

[@marcd2743]

They can't take any responsibility for their actions.

[@jameshighfill4432]

My ex is horrible and I wasted time with her while she "leary had 40 plus years to work on herself and be amazing. What a mind fuck seeing these people and knowing that they only have to do a few small things to be amazing. And they don't or cannot.

[@Quantumsupercomputer]

@@jameshighfill4432 I know the feeling… And I’m sorry you had to go through that. It’s not easy.. Far from it…

[@cornwallismorgan874]

Yep. Covert narcissism at its finest.

[@khanf7085]

Problem is when expressing needs, it's taken as criticism.

[@mistygordon8766]

That is so true

[@wharnisbet]

SSSSOOOOOO damn true!

[@simoneamelia202]

A lot like narcissism

[@clv603]

How you communicate your needs has a lot to do with how they are received--this goes for any attachment type. For example, you're upset because you woke up in the morning to find your DA partner fell asleep on the couch. 1) Why'd you sleep on the couch? -There's no emotion attached to the question, the DA will more than likely simply answer it with a benign justification. DA won't know that you're upset about it. DA won't know it bothers you. The fact that the DA will remain unaware of the emotion you feel behind it because you didn't communicate it will probably upset you and annoy you further. You'll think the DA is cold and uncaring for not passing this obvious "test." This issue remains unresolved, and will likely come up again sooner or later. Don't do this. 2) I don't like that you slept on the couch last night. Normal people in relationships sleep in the same bed together. -Again, no emotion attached to the statement, but a lot of judgement and criticism is. You just told someone they aren't normal. Even if you're upset, this isn't how you communicate to someone you love. The DA will likely respond defensively, and may retaliate or try to justify their behavior. This will undoubtedly start an argument. You gain nothing because the DA isn't aware of how you really feel, the DA just hears you criticizing them. To be fair, that is what you're doing. Again, this issue remains unresolved, and will likely come up again. Don't do this. 3) Hey, it's probably nothing... but I'm a little upset you didn't come to bed last night and sleep next to me. It makes me feel afraid you don't want to be close to me or you're upset with me. I feel happy and safe when we sleep together. -Excellent way to communicate your needs and emotions. Even to the DA, he/she should know that this event isn't about them and they aren't being attacked. They realize although they didn't mean to make you emotionally distressed, you've given them a clear message how to rectify it. This will likely lead to a discussion with a positive outcome and the problem should be resolved. If it happens again, be upset because you have the right to be. Your boundary was clearly defined and you made it clear how it affects you. *If the person responds combatively/negatively to 3), you should probably leave. They don't respect you, and likely has nothing to do with attachment type. That is toxic.

[@Rustycat69]

@@clv603 this is a great example of good communication and how I used it and how I was later disrespected because my partner did not like being questioned

[@pynklady11]

Honestly as a recovering dismissive-avoidant to the point of isolation the most freeing thing one can do is learn self-acceptance and genuinely learn to trust yourself. That normally doesn't happen until you have done some form of shadow work and identify triggers. I avoided love because honestly, I didn't feel safe or secure in my partners but I also was suffering from low self-worth. In actuality your reality is simply a mirage it's a reflection of YOU. Once you begin to actually heal and release to give yourself the permission to be vulnerable again and feel emotions because you have those boundaries it's easier to rebuild a connection with others again. It is DEFINITELY not easy and it takes time you will forever be unpacking trauma and triggers but once you begin the change and peace is noticeable. This is my TED talk lol my apologies for the dissertation.

[@georgina1170]

just know I loved your TED talk lmao I’m currently embarking on that journey and even though I’m just starting, I can see what you mean with how peaceful it feels 🙏🏼🤍

[@connieb1667]

Hey, no need to apologize - I really appreciate your comment. It sounds like a new beginning for you, and I wish you all the best in your journey. I am curious as to what or how you got started, as the DA in my life was saying he doesn't know how/where to start "letting it in". I am not sure what he means (and yes, I will ask him) but if anyone can offer any tips I can pass them along.

[@ImaniAaliyahh]

Omg thank you for your comment. I’m dismissive avoidant and now I’m working on self healing and I started doing shadow work today. I also deal with anxiety so this is an ugly battle, I never understood how people try to paint healing like the process is pretty when in reality it’s not. I’m just grateful for me taking steps to make myself a better person

[@shaneloudermilk3410]

Thank you x3. I don't know what else to say.

[@hopewasham2326]

@@connieb1667 I reccomend Lee and Sherry Patterson. They founded Relationships Reinvented. You can check them out on KZbin. Enjoy!

[@connieb1667]

So, to sum up: a DA partner wants to be understood, accepted and validated. Well, who doesn't? The difference, in my experience, is that a DA will not reciprocate, even when you do try to be clear about your needs, even when you ask repeatedly, over many years. They will still default to deactivating and distancing strategies, push you away and leave you feeling as though nothing you can or will ever do will ever be good enough or quite right. Give them space and they will want (demand) even more the next time. I think the phrase " give them an inch and they will take a mile" was probably invented for DAs. It is always all about them and what they want and "need". They want to be understood and for you to intuit their needs. But they won't do the same for you - because they " are not responsible for" you. They will likely call you " needy" while being completely (and probably willfully) unaware that they have huge "neediness" around what their "space, autonomy and independence". We all want those things to varying degrees, but to a DA it is more like an addiction. And what is an addiction but a way of numbing emotions. Basically you are never so alone as when in a relationship with a DA because what you are looking for - a sense of connection - is not likely to be either valued by or cultivated by them. However, they might try to find that connection elsewhere, in a situation or person they find " safer", which is why they are more likely to have secret opposite sex "friendships" and flirtations. It seems to me that you have to be willing to let a DA partner control the degree and amount of connection in the relationship, however that leaves you in a constant state of feeling/being "one-down" , which is not a very life affirming way of living. Reciprocity and interdependence are likely to be in short supply in a DA's repertoire, leaving you, the non DA partner, giving so much more than you ever get back.

[@nvh682]

This is a beautiful and true description!!!

[@Nadia-os2lu]

Wow. This is an incredibly accurate description of my experience with someone who is DA. A lot of highs and lows because she'd be sweet, open up and things would be wonderful: but only during the rare moments it suited her. The rest of the time she was aloof, would usually flake, and left me feeling confused and drained. I always tried to see things from her perspective, always put effort to see/understand her and it kept me in an anxious cycle for a while. The moment I finally stood up for my needs and set boundaries by saying I felt my time wasn't being respected, she dipped. I was disappointed but also relieved. While she has a lot of great qualities, her attachment style did not allow for compromise and clearly I had put in more care and energy.

[@priya_jha]

Yeah well every bit of it is true. It feels like they navigate the relationship their way while completely ignoring your needs. Do they enjoy doing this? I feel it's so inhuman and dark

[@americusdeville865]

The only thing you are giving is another journal entry. Give a man the space he needs and play your position as a supportive role, or become an expired feminist gone solo with some pets. That's the scoop. No man wants a masculine women or someone who has no discipline to play her role. That's the direct truth for you.

[@cn4941]

Excellent. And the irony is they will accuse you of not reciprocating. These are the worst communicators on the planet because they will tell everyone else what they need from you, except you. Save yourself!!!

[@richardbicycle5262]

as a DA who has been working their ass off in therapy for years, this is 100% true. My inner circle consists exclusively of people with a HIGH degree of patience lol. The people in my life who stuck with me long enough to crack through the defensive shell to the gooey center understand I'm very sensitive, and would do anything for them out of gratitude for their understanding.

[@danstosich]

You are a rarity. I don't know many DAs that will actually go to therapy. Kudos to you!

[@melissabeingmelissa]

👏🏼 👏🏼 👏🏼 👏🏼 good luck with your journey to secure healthy attachment. Proud of you for putting the time and work in.

[@LJdawk]

This gives me hope

[@STAY5161]

I relate to this completely. The people in my circle have are very patient and know about my devotion to them.

[@lizb4156]

Why years? Slow learner.

[@mujdahakime2345]

As a recovering DA who avoided relationships, I think long lasting change has to come from within, so a DA who understands their own patterns and is willing to take the risks of behaving differently - facing and challenging their own fears. I have read how much people suffer from dating or being with a DA in the comments and my heart goes out to them. DA's are defensive, irritable or angry when they are triggered which usually starts a cycle of defensiveness with no room for empathy. Basically don't date a DA who is not already on a journey to self-awareness and actively healing and changing their behavior. Some people never start their journey so don't gamble with your time.

[@dangfd551]

Wow, well said! I absolutely agree with you about long lasting change coming from within. Beautiful!

[@stephanieminkus-john5032]

How did you figure out in the first place that you're a DA? What I'm wondering is: if you told a DA what you think their attachment style is (I'm a FA & my partner is a DA and guess who's going to therapy 😂... and we're on the brink of splitting up cause he's deactivating after the last row), would they take it kindly, start reading up on that or think you're downright cookie? I mean if someone had told me I'm an FA before I knew, I'd be googling it.

[@baobypixar5841]

It’s a disorder. Absolutely no one should bend the knee to DAs because they are abusive and neglectful by nature. Would never dream of being with another one unless they did a 180

[@PandoraJonesmodel]

Yes, and what DAs don't seem to understand when dealing with Secures, is that we have very firm boundaries. We know what we need and we don't settle for anything less. I personally need openness, honesty, transparency, and consistency. Basic respect. Those things seemed too difficult for my DA ex to give me, and I love myself more.

[@Cheryl9675]

I'm experiencing this. It breaks my heart that DA's have such a struggle. It breaks my heart for their partners

[@indyd9322]

If you're an AP or a secure with a DA partner, please save yourself while you still can. Their withdrawal from you only gets worse the longer you're in a relationship. The more intimacy you're supposed to have, the stronger their avoidance. Reaching relationship milestones is like pulling teeth with them.

[@danilolima1679]

I lived through this situation with my ex-girlfriend. I am secure and had some knowledge about attachment styles, so I knew what to do to make her feel comfortable in the relationship and thus be able to develop. As time passed, she became more and more closed off, and I ended up becoming an anxious guy in the relationship, putting aside my needs so that she could see me, and that's where I lost myself. She rarely talked about the future, only mentioned a few times that she wanted me in her future but couldn't plan anything because she wasn't capable of it. A week before the breakup, she presented some ideas because she was going to move to another state due to her profession. A few weeks later, she called me to talk and said it was better for us to break up because she couldn't give me what I deserved. She said I was a "perfect boyfriend," but she couldn't be with me. This conversation destroyed me like never before, and I said some things about her unhealthy behavior, and she said, "I know I'm a terrible person" and "I like the way I behave." That broke my heart! One day after the breakup, I felt like garbage because she posted on social media having fun as if absolutely nothing had happened. I think I can tell you that I experienced depression. Anyway, it was a difficult few months with a lot of therapy and self-discovery. I never contacted her or got back with her because, despite not being well, I still knew my worth. I have a lot of empathy and want to see her well and happy! But I am not capable of being in a relationship with someone with an avoidant attachment style. My friends, people with an avoidant attachment style deserve all love and empathy, BUT when it comes to a relationship, only engage with them if they are willing to heal their traumas, okay?

[@simonthewatchguy6073]

I can attest to this. Sorry DA people but I highly recommend no one dates a DA. it's psychological torture for the partner.

[@DeborahJoshua24]

Yep. And now that I no longer care… no anger, no hurt, no love… total absence of emotions toward him… he’s more interested in me. What a waste of time this game has been!

[@indyd9322]

@DeborahJoshua24 They remind me of bratty cats who are disinterested and hiss when you try to pet them, then are affectionate and all up in your business when you ignore them and are trying to do something else! 😂

[@SandraWade666]

Done it. And my ex even knew he was avoidant. Still couldn't do what I needed which was consistency and keeping his word

[@kalifornia4745]

I have to tell you, I tried to communicate my needs in the calmest of ways and they were never once met with anything but defensiveness and anger and then, of course, stonewalling. I met their needs constantly. It was very rarely reciprocated. I rarely asked for anything because if I did, it was met with utter contempt and called selfish for daring to ask for anything. I also validated my DA CONSTANTLY - it never mattered because when I asked for a need I had, it was met with anger and total shut down. They definitely took non-criticism as criticism and an attack. I can feel this way too at times, so that one I get, but wow. I have never left a relationship so sad and confused. I really wish I had seen this video while I was in the relationship. However, they also have to admit that they aren’t giving to the relationship and my DA refused to admit it.

[@PandoraJonesmodel]

They have to recognize a problem in order to solve it. Unfortunately many of their behaviors come from a subconscious core wound they're not even aware of. They do these things automatically. It's not premeditated like it is with malignant narcissists.

[@chrissysnowmusic799]

@@PandoraJonesmodelyes. They both have to want the connection.

[@melj3476]

I am a dismissive avoidant. I grew up with a narcissistic father and a dependant mother. As you can probably imagine there was a lot of emotional abuse and also neglect. Also whenever I showed emotions I was shamed as too sensitive or hysterical. Self-soothing is one of my main coping mechanisms. I´m actually really sensitive and emotional, but sometimes dealing with emotionally charged situations can be unbearable- even physically sickening. To get along with us it is important to not be too accusatory or impulsive, accept our boundaries and be careful with harsh criticism. Extreme clinginess makes us want to run. Don´t try to force us to open up, be dependable, take us seriously and be vocal about your needs. Emotional expression and care don´t come naturally to us. I´m already on my healing journey and I´d say I´m quite self-aware. Also I scored only about 50 percent on dismissive avoidant attachment. I have very emotionally close friendships where we trust each other unconditionally. Unfortunately I don´t think that´s possible for every dismissive avoidant, though. My father probably has the same attachment style, but is dealing with it in much unhealthier ways. What I´m trying to say is of course your partner has to make an effort too. If someone is not willing or able, to meet you halfway, you have every right to move on with your life and find a partner who really appreciates you. Please value yourself enough to walk away if necessary.

[@smilinazzdoggy825]

A beautiful person

[@Bossy999]

I really liked what you said. I found it to be very accurate. How did you stop the unhealthy behaviors?

[@melj3476]

@@Bossy999 Sorry that I took some time to get back to you. I had to think about how to answer your question. It is not an easy or quick answer and I´m not pretending, that I don´t have any toxic traits. The thing is, that I always try to be mindful and reflect on my behaviour. I think that is key. Of course therapy helped. Learning about my fathers disorder and accepting him as a flawed individual was important. It helped me not to take all the emotional abuse and rejection as personal as before. That was really important, because I was able to let go of a lot of shame and guilt by doing that. It helped me to build healthy self-worth. I surround myself with empathic people, whom I trust enough, to talk about my past, but of course that´s not always an option. Work is a good example. When people are too pushy or emotional I tend to shut down, avoid them and (if possible) burn bridges. I´m not pretending, that I´m a completely normal, healthy person ^^. I don´t know if I can ever be. The important thing is: I know what emotional pain feels like and my biggest goal in life is to become a better person than my father and less blind and in denial than my mother. It was important for me to come out of hiding and to give the world a chance, as I was isolating myself a lot. My thought as a child was : If the people who are supposed to love you the most can be that cruel to you, how cruel must the people, who aren´t even related to you, be? I think many dismissive avoidants make the mistake to think: Everyones so flawed and is going to disappoint me anyways. That´s a very arrogant perspective (But it is also self-protection. Oftentimes we were let down and disappointed a lot in the past). It is hard, but opening up and giving someone the chance to prove me wrong was important, too. Everyone is flawed, but there are lovable, respectable people out there. I think that´s a lesson many dismissive avoidants should take to heart. It is easy to arrogantly stay in your own bubble and pretend that everyone is stupid and emotional and clingy and unreliable and impulsive etc.. Seeing that oneself can appear very cold, reserved, wary, arrogant and distant is another thing. My journey is not over. I have a lot to work on and a lot to learn, but I am positive that with openness, self-compassion, empathy and mindfulness, it is possible to live a live without being cruel to other people. But of course it helps if others are mindful, too. Talking rationally and calmly, being understanding instead ouf accusatory and giving me/us avoidants space, when I/we need it, is really helpful ^^. Of course the causes for the insecure attachment are distinct for every person. In the end I think it is most important that the person is self-aware and has the desire to be good :) I really hope that answers your question :)

[@programmersurfdude]

This really resonates with me, I feel the same way

[@austinnguyen9107]

That's awesome to hear you're aware of your tramas and your behavior. I read that DA's that really want to have healthy relationships and will put in the work to be secure, it's only a matter of time. Hope you don't give up!

[@andiikaa88]

I tried all of these with my ex, nothing worked. No matter how hard I tried. I’m anxious preoccupied. I started healing my wounds a couple years ago, I got rid of most of my anxious behaviour, but to handle a dismissive avoidant, it still wasn’t enough. I don’t want to give and give all the time, and get nothing in return, it draines me. So the best option for me is to heal, and never ever get involved again with this type of person.

[@Neis757]

Exactly

[@ansr3538]

💯

[@miss.ahsheya]

I definitely am the dismissive avoidant type and I want to work on connecting with people in a better way.

[@roshalllambert]

That is really good that you are planning to work on it. I have this attachment style but I am still v hesitant to work on it even after knowing about it a lot and how can secure attachment help me. I used to think that it would be difficult to convince an Avoidant attachment style to change but I am glad to know ur willing to do so

[@CaToRi-]

Lawrence Tierney - maybe not everybody deserves the effort but maybe there are important and special people in her life who will benefit of a better relationship

[@SuzanneAtwood]

@@roshalllambert 4

[@omarlynda]

It's all about self-awareness and if you have a desire to work on it then go for it..... who you are is enough!

[@MansSuperPower]

Omg, amen!! Thank you. 🙏🏿

[@tomv44]

I think what really phucks you being with a DA are those extremely rare moments when they let go of themselves and can truly be happy due to a circumstance that you provide and you can see all their vulnerability, need for love and affection and you just see that broken child who was neglected and finally receives the love they deserve. And you get hooked on this like an addict, thinking that you are healing them and you want to provide more for them. As a secure attacher, it really is something that gets to you in a way nobody else could. But they wouldn't process this the same way as you do, and when breakup comes they won't remember any of this, unless enough time passes by and no one else provides moments like this. It's hard, almost impossible. You want to love them, nurture them, you sacrifice your own happiness and waste years of your life. Please don't do this, you only get to live once, you deserve to be with someone who at least tries to meet you halfway.

[@terroristeoverdoz]

oh wow it's like talking about my experience, yes I have done many thing not according to what a DA wants, but how about my intention, why they did not think about 'ok she is so needy but she want me the best' .... No I did not being appreciate for this.

[@redfullmoon]

There was a study done on the brains of neglected or rejected children from an orphanage in Romania who were never given physical touch or care. How some of the adult orphans behave now basically reflect the behavior of Dismissive Avoidants who were traumatized as children. In short, anyone who has ever dated a DA, especially a non-self aware one who is not interested in healing their core wounds, is dealing with a grown-up who in a way has somewhat of a developmental incapacity to be functional in intimate relationships. Unless you're willing to be this person's caregiver or teacher, this really is not worth the pain.

[@ninaz2120]

My experience with them is that they don't believe it when you validate them either.

[@slydakota8143]

Nina Zomorod : true but it’s all about consistency. If you get fed up right away and lash out, any building up you’ve done is ruined.

[@lau.tizzir]

Depends on if what you are saying is something generic or something unique in that individual. This is just a silly example, but to get my point across, if someone says "I love the color of your eyes" a dismissive may think "Yeah sure, you probably don't know the color and tell the same thing to everyone when you want something". Instead, say something like, "I really like your green eyes and the way you close them when you laugh". The person in question will believe that and will feel seen. The same applies for work, chores, personality traits, etc.

[@agent00chimp]

My recent ex was like this. She was constantly at a loss for words anytime I gave her even a simple small compliment. It was awkward for me. She had no clue how to just say thank you without being odd or even how to reciprocate on a basic level...I assumed low self-esteem? It wasn't fun or comfortable for me to compliment them or be super vulnerable or genuine with them bc of how she acted. She had a lot of male friends contacting her during our relationship too and there was a male best friend...I suspected she was promiscuous too and a bit codependent...Thoughts anyone?

[@vessicagames147]

@@agent00chimp So I'm a female and I have a lot of male friends. It just happened that way. I think it has to be how I was raised with my mother really far away and spent a lot of my childhood just with my brother so I just understand the humor better. It's not an active choice to seek out these male friends. Some of my closest friends are male. I've recently gotten into a relationship and wow. I suck at intimacy. Your ex kinda sounds like me. I was able to build up the confidence to tell him I like him a few days ago but when he complimented me, I became speechless and couldn't reciprocate on the same level. It all has to do with childhood issues. I don't have low self-esteem, I think highly of myself as a person. But I do believe because of how I was raised, I am fearful that this person that loves me might leave me. The more compliments, the more positive things said, the more intense my fears of abandonment get. Especially since he is an avoidant personality type. There was a relationship I was in before where I took so long to even say things like you're my boyfriend or flirt with them on the same level. But they were so forward and eventually I was able to reach a higher level of intimacy with them. It took time, though, but there's other ways I showed my love. Making gifts, planning stuff, etc.. If you approach the subject delicately, then they will be a lot more willing to change once they understand.

[@lizp2512]

Laura Palka there is such a powerful shift in this change in messaging. Wow - THANK YOU!!!

[@31Alden]

Bottom line: I don’t have the time, inclination, or desire to spend another minute walking on eggshells for the DA I was involved with who resides in a constant state of distrust/mistrust, paranoia, skepticism, etc. It took awhile, but it finally dawned on me that nothing - and no one (myself included) - will fit his fantasy paradigm with respect to what constitutes a fully functional, reciprocal relationship. Too many childhood/relationship demons in his wheelhouse that I had to hear about chapter and verse with rapt attention that are insurmountable. Master of mixed messages ... just enough contact to keep me in the loop, but basically unavailable - unless I initiated contact. Testing me ... testing my consistency, etc. I did not handle this well and elected to move on.

[@oscarwilliamson1264]

Rhubarb 68, Really!

[@antinea21]

you did the right thing for you

[@kimngandong]

Sorry you had to endure him. I used to deal with a DA man and that was a horrible experience it has made me resent men and relationship in general. DA men are a no-no, until they have healed their wounds, every woman must stay away from them. As a DA woman, we are more straight-forward and know how to give on some level.

[@ongomjuliusmartin23]

Sorry for your experience Rhubarb. I am a DA young man who just dicovered this DA stuff today. It's true that DA guys really have a lot of baggagge from past experiences and that this makes connecting with them hard. It is also true that they find it hard to reciprocate affection and intimacy. Despite this, I believe that DA men do not all have the same past hurts/past experiences and this means that their emotional detachment is based on all sorts of different things. Although all those past things hurt, some are more of an impediment than others, and DA men with certain types of hurts may be easily reclaimed than those with other types of hurts e.g DA men who are haunted by past hurts from their ubringing and family life may be easier to reclaim by a partner who can gain the trust of the DA by patiently and skilfully showing support, understanding, validation and solidarity to the DA on the matter. As long as situations that reignite memories of the past hurts/people are avoided then all would go well. e.g DA partners should not insist on topics about the DA's relatives/upbringing if it is clearly shown to make the DA discomforted. Siding with the DA's hurtful relations/or contact with them against his will or knowledge may also be situations to be avoided. Otherwise, DA's with hurting from past ocurrences in their upbringing are not entirely lost since their first conflict is not with their partner, but rather, it's with their relations. If a partner can show a resolve to stand with the DA on a healing process and sever all mention of and ties with people from the DA's troubled past, then it is only love given and time to heal and learn that is left. On the other hand, there is the DA whose past hurting is not a matter of past hurts in ubringing only, but also coupled with disastrous dating/romantic relationships in the past. This case is more of an uphill task because the DA's partner will be a constant representation of the former partners who dissappointed the DA. And the DA will look at the partner as just another potential repetition of past hurts. Note that in this case the threat of vulnerability to the DA is direct since it was former partners who left haunting hurts in the DA and this was also now 'just another partner'.Whereas in the first case the threat of vulnerability is not so direct, since it was the family/relations who left hurts on the DA during ubringing. In the both cases the partner would have to be patient anf tactful in reclaiming the DA, but any partner would find it easier dealing with a DA with merely family upbringing issues than dealing with a DA with the additional issue of a disastrous past romantic life. I for one being DA have noticed that I am detached in my current relationship. But as long as topics on my family and upbringing are avoided or treaded on tactfully I am rather comfortable and fairly more indulgent with my partner. I feel that I am not yet ready to share freely with her on such matters since the r'ship is just springing.. and I need time. to assess and get to know and trust her before I can engage more freely with her. I have also been accustomed to having 'just my own time' and doing 'just my own things' but she has been an eyeopener to some aspects of my life I didnt take notice of. And although she has had her complaints about some of this, I am slowly learning how to compromise with this new state of affairs and she has since stopped acting too clingy and gives me some more time, she even admits that she could have been too clingy considering am a DA. Anyways, DA men could be tough, but there's hope if u really love the man and if you know what you are doing. DA men dont do what they do intentionally, but rather, coz of some subconcious mindset. It may be a long and bumpy road but it isn't as impossible as it seems.

[@smilinazzdoggy825]

Sounds like a random,anonymous creep from the internet

[@yuchichen6251]

This is very accurate. I am a dismissive avoidant person, and I find consistency/predictability and being understood are so important for a relationship to work with me. However, it is also important for a DA person to have the awareness to actively correct and improve their cognitive behaviour.

[@lolaweed7467]

Consistency/predictability and being seen understood are important for both people involved. I never felt heard or emotionally safe with my DA unfortunately

[@Rustycat69]

I was in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant who wasn't aware that he was and became very defensive when I asked for my needs to be met or understood. He always made me feel that there was something wrong with me for wanting reassurance or creating boundaries because he didn't have many with other people in his life. He only had boundaries with me. It got to the point of being abusive and he would project his insecurities onto me and often made me question my sanity. For a long time I couldn't believe that he had one rule for me and another for everyone else. Any attempts by me to try and get him to open up about anything in a safe environment with me were met with stone walling... And my attempts at being open and vulnerable were thrown back at me... Dismissive avoidants can be very hurtful.

[@austinnguyen9107]

I think a bit more than hurtful, we as the partner have to go to therapy after being with a DA so it's definitely a traumatic experience. There are 3 insecure attachments styles but it makes me wonder where toxic relationships come from. I'm pretty sure being with a true DA is the defintion of toxic relationship

[@Rustycat69]

@@austinnguyen9107 I agree with you. There's something quite abusive about with holding love or affection from your partner....i believe it's a choice they make

[@Rustycat69]

@Flagirl1985 yes same story. My ex had been on his own for 7 years before me

[@marcd2743]

Yeah, they will totally mind f you.

[@airbound7407]

Exact thing with me and my ex. Practically identical. They self sabotage. We can’t help people who can’t help themselves.

[@miss.ahsheya]

I'm a social worker and have recently learned about the adult version of attachment theory and found this quite enlightening.

[@jenniferh.7219]

What is the adult version of attachment Theory or what are some things you read or available online about it? I randomly come across some things that mention some people have secure attachment behaviors but and I know that other people can be insecure or avoidant. I guess I'd like to explore more of this or find out if there's other literature about adult attachment

[@lynniegravelyn2387]

Been in therapy for my entire adult life, never mentioned once

[@smilinazzdoggy825]

HelloltsAshia what specifically stood out to you?

[@misskaistar]

HI Thais, how do you be in a relationship with a DA, when they are having sex with different partners all the time

[@Prudenthermit]

Really surprised that it isn't part of the education for social work in general

[@LizG117]

The problem with this type is that they will literally offer you nothing while expecting normal love and care in return. LMAO. never again.

[@sal2975]

Have you consistently expressed your needs clearly or had them read between the lines? Lol

[@jadint1793]

Yeah mine was the same with me. It was very interesting

[@austinnguyen9107]

They dismissed me needs and also proceeded to withdraw, and expected me to still endure the emotional neglect

[@edwelndiobel1567]

Hmm Im curious, what could they have done or what should they not have done to prevent this discord?

[@melinafraser7403]

So true

[@4bnfree]

As someone who dated a DA off and on for years and was finally done let me tell you the reality. A DA wants all the love, companionship, closeness that comes with a relationship but don't want to commit to actually relationship. They fear the obligations and their part of having to put in work.

[@tracyreid4706]

I'm a DA and I couldn't agree more!! it suks...

[@tapsy_tapsy]

I can't believe that I'm admitting this but I cried listening to this video because it's so true. I've learned a lot and you said things that I want to say to people which I never know how to articulate. Sometimes, when I try to explain, I realize that I'm getting emotional and stop because it's weird being so vulnerable in front of someone else. Like, what are they supposed to do with all my feelings? I constantly feel like I have to teach myself how to be okay with just myself. I pray that I learn to love in a different way.

[@pugs861]

You will

[@priya_jha]

Yeah I'm living with a person like she explained in the video. And I love him. And I'm not hopeless.

[@americusdeville865]

Develop your logical self, and cut back on the emotions, and you can relate better to men.

[@priya_jha]

@@americusdeville865 Hahah yeah thanks for the advice. I'll try it sometime.

[@nabazakir9231]

Esther Gomwalk , I am a DA too and I know where you're coming from. It's really difficult for me to open up to anyone, heck, even if I want to tell my mother that I need shampoo, I wait a few days rehearsing how I should tell her that. From what I've read in the comments so far is that DAs never open up and never cater to your needs, I think that differs from person to person because I usually put others before me but when I've had enough I try to cater to my own needs more but I do stuff for the other person anyway and this is mostly the case with my family but I do have some great friends and I open up to them quite easily but that is only after four years of friendship. But I don't open up much to my family (sometimes I do open up to my uncle but that rarely ever happens). What I'm trying to say is that people who are DA think it's every man for himself and take time to open up and if you just give them a chance, they can be very nice people. We have been neglected and hurt like this one time, my mother said that my introverted nature is wrong and I was in the same room and it really hurt. Just don't judge a book by its cover and give the DA some time and space.

[@susanandersen8814]

They are selfish people. Their needs and pleasures come first, yours second. It is draining, actually, to have to tiptoe around these people so that they "hopefully" connect with you at some point or give you a few extra breadcrumbs of attention. I'm only speaking from experience, even after trying different tactics to placate their avoidant behavior with the hopes they come closer. They usually don't. And, they typically don't feel they should work on their issues of avoidance. To me, they suck the life and energy out of you all the while doing their own thing for themselves.

[@KayWeezy]

Susan, I'm sorry you feel that way. As a DA male, I get it but please don't think it's done on purpose. I guarantee most DAs don't know what they are doing or even why they are doing it. I know I didn't and upon realizing it, I feel extremely horrible. It has led to so much growth and improvement. The DA just needs to become aware of what's going on AND want to change. That last part is the most important.

[@yAxeln]

As an DA, im just curious, is it normal to find other peoples happiness more important than your own happiness? We only live one life, and why would we live for someone else? When I'm in a relationships it is because it makes me happy, and I would assume a relationship is a mutually beneficial arrangement, as why would someone stay in a relationship if it doesnt contribute to their happiness? Sorry if it sounds stupid, but to me idea of putting other peoples needs in front of your own seems irrational. (I understand certain professions such as military/emergency services involves assuming risk of personal harm, but these people do these jobs voluntarily and as such it would bring them happiness.)

[@susanandersen8814]

@@yAxeln Ok, well your approach is your approach. I don't believe I said you should put someone else's needs in front of your own. I'm saying to take consideration of your partner. In my own experience, knowing avoidants is like being on a one-way street. They make decisions for themselves and their own pleasures before considering their partner. No offense, but the "me" or "all about me and my pleasure" mentality drains the life out of others because they could care less if their actions affect anyone else. They just care about themselves. And then, to top it off, we have to tiptoe around moods of selfishness. Not thanks. But, hey, whatever works for you, go for it.

[@mrhaunted4831]

💯💯💯

[@SmallBobby]

@@yAxeln The picture you paint convinces me that that all DAs should date other DAs only.

[@ams3666]

Here's what blows my mind.....their audacity. They want to feel that YOU are predictable, safe, supportive, accepting, caring.....and in return, they offer little to NONE of these things to a partner. I will NEVER get involved with one of these types again. They will destroy you mind/body/spirit and blame you for it. I'm secure....but put me with one of these and now I have trauma, CPTSD and an anxious attachment injury. After the disgustingly painful, narcissistic 'relationship' I was suckered into with one of them, I don't even want to date anymore. 2 years later and I still can't. Good times. I listened and empathized with him and his never-ending childhood trauma stories, endless 'poor me' victim scripts, constant push-pull blame games, broken promises, all talk/poor action, non-reciprocal trainwreck b.s. for 4 years and it was just more of the same and worse. I don't recommend dating an avoidant. Let them figure themselves out and learn how to actually SHOW UP in a relatioship instead of ruining the lives of people who try to love them.

[@Bevanslane620]

Dont let this relationship define you. You will meet someone who you are compatible with. Dont take their actions personally it has nothing to do with you and you never caused their attachment issues.

[@juliekeeney1538]

I get he needs safety, but so do I and I can't get it from him. I fear being ghosted by him specifically, and that's what he does to me all the time.

[@ladennayoung2939]

Bless your heart. I pray that things are better for you now.

[@DZ-no9vt]

Yes mine does the ghosting over and over. It's been 4 weeks this time, I am trying to just let go after a year and a half.

[@hashtagmate]

Ok listen i am also a dismissive avoidant type and i would never do that, some things aren't excusable just because you are da i sometimes "disappear" for 12 hours or maybe at most a day but i would never disappear for weeks or forever... that's human decency

[@americusdeville865]

Give a man his space. 1. Maintain peace in his environment 2. Cooperate with his program 3. Learn to please him Then you might have a shot. I wouldn't bet any money on it.

[@KatieLesnick]

My DA ghosted me

[@nadasabbagh6273]

I started dating a DA and she really, really got in deep with me in her head. She was full on from the beginning. But once we started getting intimate, she started backing off and ended up rattling the moments I let her down. It was very strange. She felt so incredibly abandoned by me even before we actually met. When we had a discussion about whether we should continue dating, she had held a grudge against those few times and interpreted them as something so incredibly critical to her wellbeing, when in actual fact her trauma had amplified her feelings of abandonment. She was so painful triggered but this, but even moreso, ended up extremely angry at me when I decided that I could not date her. It is fine and well for the DA's to have thier needs met but they need to be self aware. If they are not then they will simply rationalise everything and demand that you follow thier lead. That's not a relationship. That's nothing at all. And that's a dealbreaker for me.

[@cruiseny26]

So just give give give, be super supportive to them, accept them unconditionally, don't ask them for anything or bring up any concerns, give them sex when they want to, compromise your needs to them... sounds exhausting! Not a great formula for a reciprocal relationship.

[@tyrijoyner749]

Omg this is EXACTLY how I felt. I’m so thankful I learned about attachment styles...left him a couple of weeks later because I ant carry him and me with no way to fill up my tank. Why should anyone have to do that???

[@SmartStart24]

Basically 😂 I can’t do it anymore, no matter how well they cuddle or how “good” they can be for 48 hours

[@sal2975]

That's why the anxious attachment styles usually go for avoidant attachment people.

[@JoseRodriguez-pn8yj]

It is exhausting 😞 it was draining me 😞

[@nicolefuehrer4852]

It’s getting too much. We knew each other a year and finally we have a “relationship” but she never wants to spend time with me in person. She only wants to FaceTime… I can’t keep this up it’s wearing me down. She was great for a week and now it’s back to where it was. 3 steps forward 2 steps back…

[@jerrykelso4123]

I'm dismissive-avoidant but I get very irritated when people ask me to express myself too much. I just feel like they are trying to figure me out. Does anyone else tend to feel that way? Sometimes there just isn't much going on that I want to talk about.

[@incogb6696]

Yuppp. Do you usually get labeled 'mysterious' as well?

[@roshalllambert]

Yes exactly it is uncomfortable to express myself and someone forcing it is quite annoying

[@Janna_Ash]

It’s irritating to be pressed, but it’s also annoying for the other party as well lol.

[@MsMesem]

There isn't much going on? Man, do you live under a rock or something?

[@jerrykelso4123]

@@incogb6696 Yes. People have also referred to me as aloof as well.

[@BlackPanther-tt1vu]

Imagine what you would have to go through with a DA if you told them "hey let's watch a video to learn more about our attachment styles on KZbin." They would go full defensive mode, accuse you of attacking them, get angry and dismissive. They never really appreciate difference in perspective is what I find. Conversations always turn into arguments.

[@simonthewatchguy6073]

100% facts. Every single thing I said turned into an argument. Every. Single. Thing. I put on a KZbin video about why men and women can't be friends and she went crazy accusing me of all sorts. Hell on earth. DA's are truly awful.

[@MindfulAttraction2.0]

Took your quiz and i'm avoidant dismissive 😭

[@omg....5240]

Why is that sad ? Dont be ashamed about it, you will be ok 🤗

[@juliaangelina1984]

this is obvious from your advice my man

[@osml2.0]

I couldn’t tell from watching your videos

[@osml2.0]

Mindful Attraction 2.0 I use to be more dismissive avoidant, over a long time became secure from meeting more secures. Never had I ever experienced a dismissive avoidant in my life until my current s.o. Omg would have never learned to be secure if I had known what dismissive avoidant was. My feelings would have been saved from hurt if I had stayed dismissive avoidant with another dismissive avoidant. It can be very painful.

[@fiftyfiftylifestyle456]

Dude. I've know this for years about you. 😁

[@JJL_GINGA]

Holy shit this is 200% accurate towards my relationship... Acording to this, I've been frustrating the hell out of my girlfriend... Thank you for this video, now I am how to handle our conversations so much better

[@sandyfustin7253]

John Lavell me too I was not looking for this.. but it is my husband to a T always knew there were issues and I know his history very well and I have been making it worse... finally I know him ... married 42 years known him since I was 14....

[@zebamomin7875]

Are you still with her?

[@JJL_GINGA]

@zebamomin7875 no, that was years ago. I've matured and found a new love

[@MsJbetancur]

I spent 13 years with a DA. It was soul sucking, it was like he was a vampire, taking and never giving in return. I am so so so thankful to be finally free. The best way I could describe him is poison to my soul.

[@marcd2743]

Feelyour pain, awful.

[@simonthewatchguy6073]

I can relate. Ex gf was the same

[@indyd9322]

The soul sucking you mentioned sounds like he might have been a narcissist. Glad you are free!

[@VirjScarlett]

I'm an DA and reading the comments makes me feel like I'm not worthy to be in a relationship.

[@LeeChrissy]

I know. People are so rough on DA's. I'm FA and I personally love you all. They're hurt people venting. Sorry you have to read that stuff. ❤

[@waterlilynymph]

Wish more DAs would hear them and work and develop themselves. People are just hurt by many DAs in their lives, don’t take it personally.

[@ruggedlifejewelry]

They hear all meaningful confrontations interpreted as personal criticism so it seems impossible to have a conversation. They are hypersensitive and then shut down or become violent.

[@wesley6442]

Yes! it's to the point that with me and her it's emotional neglect I am speaking to a husk of a person. It isn't their fault, but it's a result of their past trauma. I can't do it anymore it isn't healthy or normal behavior

[@sal2975]

Lol, whoa. Violent?

[@aSummerSarahndipity]

So you pressured them and forced them into a corner lol

[@austinnguyen9107]

Neutral things are perceived as criticism. I've tried the "I feel... when you..." with lots of positive reinforcement to balance, still perceives it as criticism. And they expect us to have emotional control even when we're being abused and neglected. Lose-Lose situation

[@Walklikeaduck111]

DAs seem to think that others have to support them and look after their own needs... Without asking much from thr DA. Its really one way nurturing. Sometimes they can be available to you but its so inconsistent and random that its pointless.

[@sanamsitaram7940]

Yes. FA's/anxious people will be the ones watching videos trying to find out how to support them and their needs HOPING they might be able to give us a miniscule amount of what we need. They almost never will.

[@jarrodknight4698]

@@sanamsitaram7940 yep. Bc what we need, is for you to not expect constant attention to feel loved. And see that we don't do the trivial daily I love you reminders. Bc I mean what I say and say what I mean. If I day at any point that I love you, then know that I love you until I tell you I dont. And this is the biggest problem between the too styles. Ones need is constant attention and reminders that the other one loves them. And the others need is to not have to do that. So until both partners understand how thier brain works and understands perspectives, it's impossible.

[@SmallBobby]

@@jarrodknight4698 only date DAs! Problem solved.

[@anirvankm]

From my own experience as well as from reading the comments, it feels really depressing being a DA type as well as being the partner of one. My previous relationship imploded because of the lack of understanding of the dynamics and the needs of my DA style. Yes, it can be true that I didn't show emotional attachment the way one would normally expect. It wasn't like I was trying to hide it. I just honestly didn't know how. But, as a counter to that, I was/am always willing to do other things to show that I care. I will maybe buy you a plushie or cook you a meal or give you a back massage or rub your feet or find funny memes/videos to send you or maybe squeeze your hand tight. It's not always verbal, but there are definitely non-verbal ways that a DA can communicate. I hope this helps couples. For the non DA partners, maybe just sit down with your DA partner and give them the option of showing affection through specific non verbal means rather than verbal ones. Could just be actions like that or can even be something like having a common phrase that you can use so that they do the thing you want them to do (like code chocolate: person gets you hot coco, a blanket, puts on fav movie, and cuddles you while stroking your hair and telling you everything good about you). Please be patient. We are damaged, not bad.

[@LowJack]

Finally a thoughtful and respectful comment.

[@jenster29]

And when you've done that ? And they admit the issue and STILL do it...and years and years of it ? My mouth is physically tired of saying the same words 😂 so I just stopped and no there's nothing being said by anyone

[@marinaschulz3183]

Lol, if I ever did that with my DA he would absolutely never in a million years have done anything like that for me. It honestly wouldn't even occur to me to ask because I know I would have been shut down. I asked him one thing, over out 7 year relationship: that he please please pretty please learn my language (we come from two different countries). It was literally a condition of getting back together after a big fight, after my dad died and he was completely absent for me and said some honestly almost sociopathic things I don't feel comfortable sharing. Somehow I took him back. He said he would "look into it" for years, no matter how much I asked or explained why this was important to me (I wanted him to learn show interest in my culture, to have an easier time around my friends, to show he cared). Towards the end, he even sounded sparky or angry whenever we would talk about it, and either blame shift to me whenever I got mad about it - I was annoying, I didn't believe in him, I didn't remind him, anything but actually do it. Outside of the language thing, things were good. Five years had passed since we last broke up so I thought things were good. We broke up (he broke up with me) recently because I wanted to move in together, after years of long distance and commuting several times a month. He gave the bullshitish reason. When he came to give me my stuff I asked him about why he never learnt my language for me, after he promised, after it was CONDITIONAL to us getting back together all those years ago. His reason? "It was never important to him, and he didnt care that it was for me". I can't put in words how FUCKING ANGRY I am. And its not that he can't afford it or that he's incapable. He speaks 4 languages and makes bank in finance. He is just a fucking awful human being who doesn't deserve to be loved at all.

[@KeiyaHood]

That was so sweet

[@Zeverinsen]

@@jenster29 Then you leave, instead of growing bitter towards thousands of people who have never done a single thing to you. It is completely possible to be a good or bad match or good/bad partner, regardless of your attachment style.

[@TanzaniteHayley]

Accidentally got wrapped up in a dismissive avoidant. Everything you’ve said is 100%.

[@sal2975]

So he couldn't avoid you? Jk. Lol

[@saavedra77]

This is totally me: core wound of unmet childhood emotional needs, sense of being in survival mode for a long time, deeply internalized shame & associated sensitivity to criticism, tendency to withdraw from emotionally overcharged confrontations, desire for explicit communication & emotional affirmation in intimate relationships, etc. Two most healing therapeutic experiences for these issues: 1) Talk therapy with a psychologist who both affirmed & challenged me; 2) Building warmer, more giving family bonds on my own.

[@marilyn5894]

I liked to know more about #2. How are able to do so?

[@saavedra77]

@@marilyn5894 In stages, I guess? First, I stumbled into the idea of "chosen family" as a teen. I found a tight circle of friends with common interests, some with their own problems at home. Having real friends to confide in, to listen to, I learned to trust my emotions more, to feel less like an imposter or outsider, more visible and hopeful. Over the years, I've broadened my "chosen family" to encompass close friends from college, work, etc. But I still had a lot to learn about the give-and-take of relationships: I've often felt like an ... amateur at social life, especially around dating. I didn't start out with a strong sense of how healthy relationships worked, just strong ideas about certain things to avoid. The next important thing was falling in love: Meeting the right person made me want to step up, to improve myself. At the same time, feeling loved made it easier to admit my insecurities, ask for help. Living with someone I cared deeply for taught me to listen, work harder, compromise, think about building things together. The third thing that made a difference for me was very personal and unusual, but so powerful I feel that I should mention it, too: I had the chance to retrace my roots, reconnect with a branch of my family I'd been cut off from since early childhood. (Basically, my father's extended family, including my half-siblings, paternal aunts, a whole tribe of cousins, etc.) I was surprised to discover that they'd been looking for me all along, too. And they're much, much warmer than the family I'd gotten marooned with after my parents split. It's hard to explain, but a few years of family reunions, vacations, weddings, etc, a few thousand hugs--it's all been remarkably healing. Not all at once. But profoundly, in the end. I've been lucky to have that, too.

[@marilyn5894]

Tony Diaz thank you. This is helpful! When you reconnected with your extended family, did they ever tell you that your “chosen parents” had past issues?

[@saavedra77]

@@marilyn5894 My biological --NOT chosen!-- parents definitely had similar issues. My father was very close to his mother, but lost her early & had a disastrous relationship with his dad. My mom was both neglected and abused by her parents--and I spent my early years with that same very dysfunctional couple (i.e., my maternal grandparents). My dad had trouble maintaining relationships. My mom was very fragile. Neither was up to parenting. But my siblings had a different mom, who's very strong & caring. My aunts are also very warm people, who modeled healthier relationships. Again, "chosen family" refers to friendships & relationships I forged on my own. That's a different, but important resource--one I think anyone with an unsatisfactory home life can cultivate.

[@saavedra77]

@@marilyn5894 May I ask about the nature of your interest? Are you a therapist? Do you feel that you have an avoidant personality? Or does someone in your life?

[@edgreen8140]

1) autonomy supportive 2) how's life? 3) avoid criticism 4) want consistency everyone do their own needs. . 5)push emotions down 6) hate criticism 7)be direct w what you want Love their shadow.

[@sashanoel8766]

Whoa...this is so me. OMG. I didn’t know there was a whole attachment style label for how I am...

[@luisojeda9660]

I’m always on survival mode , I didn’t really have a safe place when I was a kid , no love no caring , In my relationship I get put down because they don’t understand me , and it makes me close off , and they think I don’t love them, It’s hard 😓

[@carlathompson9308]

that genuinely causes me sadness to hear that.continue listening to the videos to help you become self aware. ;) also maybe a a sigles group at a church and you might find a quality personwe

[@nmjr547]

When you communicate your feelings and ideas clearly, people can understand better. Sometimes I set up myself for failure because I start talking about things expecting to be misunderstood. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. When I express I feel misunderstood, usually the other person tries to understand better and makes follow up questions (if they don't even try, that might be a red flag). Sometimes I expect people to understand me without having to express myself. It's just unrealistic. It takes practice if you're not used to it, but if you're surrounded by the right people they'll support you throughout the process.

[@NH-zu7tq]

Just communicate if you can, rather than closing off. Be vulnerable in small steps, and it will help a lot bc people can't read minds.

[@agaragar21]

Its ADHD you DUmmy !

[@osml2.0]

not sure if you will get this but have you had any luck with change, if you felt there was any need in doing so?

[@lindajeanschaffers3673]

Brilliant presentation. I fit into this and it has taken me 70 years of living to find out. Please go out to schools to talk to kids . It will give them valuable tools for a healthier life. Thank you.

[@oscarwilliamson1264]

Linda Jean Schaff,you look gorgeous 🌹 🌹🌷 🌷🥀🌷🌺🌹 🌹🌺

[@sheysounds9398]

This is very helpful! I wish I had this information when I was dating my ex. I was so angry at him because he was so distant and detached except in the bedroom. However, he expected so much from me. Whenever I question him about it, he would respond empathically. But he would do another insensitive thing. Over time, our conversations were more like teardowns and criticisms not because I think he was a bad guy. But I sincerely wanted us to work out but I felt the resistance. He was more focused on his own self-preservation and peace of mind. I cannot say that we would have worked out. But I could have made a more informed decision on whether I would be able to love him properly and bow out sooner than I did.

[@bmj7957]

Honestly, it is best that you are out of the relationship with him. Life is way to short to invest it in a relationally selfish and lazy partner. I've been married to a dismissive avoidant wife for nearly 17 years and for many years it was a life draining experience.

[@MsMesem]

Yes, but it really is not easy to get them to recognise and accept your needs. They want to negate them and put their needs first so you really don't get much of a look in. I've recently met someone and feel like I'm walking in a mine field, they cut me off for weeks and then said I was getting too attached but the problem was theirs, not mine. Their fear and anger expressed before cutting me off was difficult to experience.

[@sheysounds9398]

Halcyon I can totally relate. I’m still recovering from that. The things he said to me prior to disconnecting permanently was so mean, cruel and insensitive. When I confronted him, he would justify his actions by regurgitating a minor offense I committed years ago. From that moment, I couldn’t say anything In defense. Any word I spoke from my lips was responded with hostility and anger. This (from his perspective) gave him the right to hurt me and not apologize. To this day, I have not heard from him which makes me sad. However, I agree that they do this to push you away.

[@MsMesem]

@@sheysounds9398 Thanks for your input. The focus on sex thing is a big feature. I'm wondering to pass this video and other info on as I'm not sure he is aware of the identifiable 'profile' he has. He says "I have to protect myself" which is pretty sad to hear and has mentioned a few times about respecting his space. I'm scared showing my interest like this will scare him off! He is not nasty.

[@sheysounds9398]

Halcyon I would be careful with that. I’ve thought about that also, thinking the video might help enlighten him. However change occurs when the person feels ready. I believe that from my ex’s perspective he don’t think there’s anything wrong with him. If I send him that video, he might respond aggressively than positively. At this point, if I chose to send him anything, it would be in hopes that he will become the man I know he can be which is irrelevant. He is a good guy underneath it all. What hurts is that he works so hard to push away someone who loves him and hold on to those who he has superficial relations with. Smh

[@MusicwithMrsLC]

I can relate to this SO much. I would POUR on the affirmation, support, patience, understanding, and he had no problem taking all of it, but for the final 2 months he never so much as told me I was pretty once. Or asked how my day was. Every single conversation was about him, what he was doing, what was going on in his world. I initiated EVERY in-person contact of any kind and though he’d go along with it, he became less and less checked in emotionally. Finally when I had a big day planned and he was “too busy” to meet me for more than an hour, I told him maybe it was time that he start making our plans when he had the time and desire to see me. Never heard from him again, and we had been together for months. Total ghost. The lack of closure and respect is astounding. The beginning was wonderful, but like many have said, with time they just become more and more detached until you’re invisible and you’re just supposed to STAY that way. Never mention it. Speak of it. Just disappear into nothing or be left.

[@sushisam3010]

Research codependency. You will see that most likely you were a giver and he was a mere taker (they are always immature and irresponsible, unable to take responsibility for their actions etc.) Codependency is usually on both sides -- DAs, emotionally, are extremely dependent on their partner. They depend the other for almost any healthy move in a relationship. They want to be cared for (unconsciously), but as they did not have an example or model of care, they do not have the tools to be reciprocal. Honestly, it makes me lazy just to write. It's very tiring, because it feels like a maternal relationship.

[@0125FordBronco]

reading this is a complete example to a T of my relationship with my ex DA. Except my ex was my girlfriend. We should hook our ex’s up and see how they manage a relationship together. I would genuinely be curious how 2 DA’s get along in a relationship.

[@sushisam3010]

@@0125FordBronco As you can imagine, it doesn't happen, lol. Very rarely two DAs date, because... wow... it's like there's no glue. They need exciting colorful people in their lives -- people who communicate assertively, or clearly, people who show up in the relationship, give affection and attention, ask about the day and life etc. Generally what they didn't have and don't have. They need what everyone else needs in a relationship (with more alone time), but they generally don't have it to give (except alone time, which is basically what they give the most and we want presence, lol).

[@MusicwithMrsLC]

@@sushisam3010 oh, I am 💯 a recovering co-dependent. No question. This was a relationship from my past. I’m currently married to a secure partner and have moved out of the anxious attachment style to more secure. Truly, though… any relationship (even friendship) with an avoidant personality is a struggle, even for the secure. Seeing the pattern doesn’t make it any easier to digest. You just know you have to let it be what it will be and allow them to stay where they are.

[@MusicwithMrsLC]

@@0125FordBronco lol. I think if a DA is not seeking help (which is a lot to ask of someone who has spent their lives running from these very behaviors and fears them) they just have to end up with a codependent and that’s the only way it will work. Two avoidants don’t work well together, because nobody will chase anyone. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[@s_e_w_p_h_i_e]

DA’s don’t want to manage anyone else’s needs and are the first to label their partner as needy but ironically it’s their particular set of needs that control the entire relationship. FA’s and AP’s always come off as the most ‘needy’ of the attachment styles but I would argue that the DA reigns supreme in the neediness department.

[@bluestevenson2407]

This is such a good comment

[@tadleblanc3761]

I thought FA was the worst because of why the style is developed. Neglect and abuse. I'm an FA. I hate it. I can see your point though. Never thought about it that way.

[@handy77]

Because you’re changing the definition of neediness from what most people understand it to be? We don’t get insecure and need someone else to fix that. We just want space and time to ourselves. That’s not needy in the classic sense of the word.

[@alexinej272]

This is really good. Thank you. A lot of videos tend to demonize avoidant behaviour, this really humanizes it and gives practical advice to work with.

[@JooJoo14336]

They should rightfully be demonised. They're too selfish to look at others' needs and only think of theirs. Why should their partners bend over backwards to accommodate them? It's their responsibility to seek psychiatric help or end up alone.

[@alexinej272]

Do you also feel that way about people with anxious attachment? Or when someone isn’t good for you, yet you cling to them out of fear of abandonment instead of walking away, do you want someone to understand why you’re doing it and find practical solutions to ease your anxiety? We all have issues. One person fixing themselves in a relationship isn’t enough. Just because someone’s behaviour hurts you doesn’t mean you can’t take time to understand it. You don’t have to stay around it and you absolutely should set boundaries or walk away. If you can’t then it’s time to look at yourself.

[@alexinej272]

P.s said as someone who realized that demonizing wasn’t getting me anywhere or easing my pain, and finally swallowing the bitter pill of needing to focus on healing myself.

[@JooJoo14336]

Both types are unhealthy. However, anxious attachment people, in my experience, are less selfish and more considerate towards others. Avoidant attachment types are very self-centred and expect others to be understanding, to be supportive, without offering the same or even to a close extent. This is why I dislike them so much on a whole.

[@JooJoo14336]

@@alexinej272 No worries. Sorry my earlier reply ended up being addressed to myself instead of you. I've experienced stuff with both. And based on my experiences, 1 set is a lot more self-centred and arrogant. So as someone who is abit more balanced per se, I'd rather deal with someone who has anxious attachment versus avoidant attachment issues, 100% of the time. In fact, I make an effort to avoid those who're avoidant attachment, because my return on investment, emotionally speaking, is just not worth it.

[@compassandradio6261]

Dismissive avoidant types can be great friends, but just friends. Trying to have a romantic relationship with them is impossible.

[@jamesbuchananbarness]

as a dismissive avoidant, this is true. i honestly enjoy romantic relationships bc i don’t like opening up

[@sparrowhawk5673]

@@jamesbuchananbarness so just in it for the sex then?

[@cavelleardiel]

@@sparrowhawk5673 Sex is probably a way in which they connect. Probably the only way.

[@sparrowhawk5673]

@@cavelleardiel more like sex is a way for them to use as a tool for the other not to leave. Them being dismissive and scared the other is unsatisfied that they reduce themselves to a low point by lowering their standards and self-respect. When instead they could be talking it out and finally expressing themselves of what is going on in side of them. Sex doesn't resolve the problem it only delays it.😔

[@cavelleardiel]

@@sparrowhawk5673 Of course. I dated someone that I now see as a dismissive. I thought he was not a nice person but over the years (we still keep in contact). I have seen how this has been his way to connect.

[@dismissiveavoidant9860]

I’m an extreme dismissive avoidant. To the point where I no longer attempt relationships. The whole thing is simply unbearable to me and I seem to always hurt the other person so I just stopped going through that cycle. But, these videos are great for people who ARE in relationships with one.

[@ashleynicolebenavente5988]

I am an extreme DA as well. Single for 6 years now. Zero dating, I can’t stand the idea

[@dismissiveavoidant9860]

Ashley Nicole Benavente I totally understand. I was married for 14 years and did not like it most of the time. After that I dated some but noticed that I would begin to panic very shortly into it.

[@nataliaturner4845]

Not only is it healthier for this type to keep to themselves, but honestly you guys are doing a service to society by having enough self awareness to not get entangled in serious relationships, not bring kids into the world & into a dysfunctional relationship that is guaranteed to perpetuate the cycle.

[@dismissiveavoidant9860]

Natalia Turner It’s healthier for everyone. I know for a fact that there is not a man alive who can change this about me. In the past, each one thought they would be the one to “tame me” so to speak but to never gonna happen. I’m miserable in it, they end up with deflated egos and often times, hurt feelings, so it makes zero sense to repeat a cycle like that. I do wonder why some DAs attempt it but maybe they haven’t learned enough times yet. Or, they themselves think someone will be enough to change them.

[@nataliaturner4845]

@@dismissiveavoidant9860 I've come to think that people are like plants, and that we tend to think about both very cartoonishly; we assume they all need full sun & frequent watering, but lots of plants can't tolerate those conditions. Some grow best in arid soil, or maybe need lots of water but at very infrequent intervals. Some require shade or only filtered light rather than full sun, etc. It's the same w/people and their differing needs for social connection. As an AA this analogy helps me a lot to not take things personally when ppl don't want to connect.

[@DavidFelipe03]

Seems like the idea is something like "gimme gimme gimme but expect nothing in return".

[@er6730]

Thanks for this clear explanation. My husband is exactly like this, and I have struggled to make sense of the combination of the sincere helpfulness and love he shows mixed with robot-like behaviour and selfishness. It happens, not often, but often enough, that I say something, just to chat, and suddenly he lobs back an angry response, ready to argue. I've found it incredibly confusing and hurtful how, from my perspective, he's swinging between funny and friendly to defensive and aggressive, but he always explains how he took what I said as criticism. I'm learning how to have a thicker skin, and at the same time trying not to "criticise". But it does come out of nowhere at times. Married over 10 years before I started to put up my feeling shield and let his bad mood slide off me without affecting my mood. It's better this way. He was absolutely amazing when our children were born, helping me with pain management, etc, so I could have home births. It was amazing, he was a superstar! I was asking for exactly what I wanted without"being polite" and he stepped up and did everything gladly. When I had a miscarriage and he was totally unsupportive, I see that I didn't clearly ask for anything specific. Then I was angry about how he acted/disappeared and told him so, and he disappeared even more. I've come to the conclusion that I can't rely on him for support, UNLESS I know what I need and ask for it. It's more work than I expected, but it's good for my personal development, since knowing what I want and asking for it is difficult for me. This was an insightful video, thank you.

[@SK-no2pp]

I really sympathize with you. I don’t know how you’ve gone 10 years. I have someone I truly and deeply love. I’m so frustrated, and he shuts down a lot.

[@BioRosODM]

You described exactly how my relationship is. He also has demonstrated me that he can be the most supportive person, but now I know it is in a more pragmatic way. Learn how to identify your specific needs and decide then whether you need to ask him. It's also good for you, as it will help you to know yourself better and make priorities in your feelings.

[@CristinaaaMx]

AMEN... TOTALLY AGREE WITH U.. WE CAN GROW ALONG WITH OUR AVOIDANT PARTNERS.. AS LONG AS WE HAVE THE TOOLS TO DO IT AND GOD TO REMIND US THAT EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE

[@SMOKE_EARTH]

You all don't forget to pray to your higher power to open your partners heart and mind & always set intentions in your mind about what you are trying to manifest in your relationships & watch it manifest

[@sushisam3010]

​@@SK-no2ppCan you tell us what happened to you? Any news after 4 years? What did you decide?

[@Mrs.T305]

These ppl shave some nerve requesting consistency and support when they are not like that with their anxiously attached partners. Do they realise how much pain they cause their anxiously attached partner when they ghost them

[@sal2975]

From what I know, they never request for anything. They avoid.

[@marioct130]

They cause pain to any partner, even secure ones. Unless they are aware of their dismissive traits, are working on their issues, and WANT to be in a healthy relationship, a relationship is not possible. The other person has to do the emotional work.

[@roveism]

Being in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant is the worst relationship you can have with all of the different attachment styles.

[@Just...Peachy]

You think having a relationship with a clingy, needy, pathetic anxious attachment style is better? No thanks! I had a relationship with one and he became a stalker. Very scary

[@happythoughts505]

OMG SPOT ON!!! except when you ask in a relationship, they can make you feel needy & insecure, when to me its normal.....they dont see our needs... or dont want to deal with it.....yet so giving & charismatic, but you really need emotion & love in a relationship not material things.........CONNECTION!!!!!! how can you teach them this in yr 50's when they seem so set in their ways?...They want all of this, yet not understand our/my needs...great video thankyou again 💜

[@PN.mod20]

Mind blown....what first comes to mind is the thought..."you mean this is NOT how every other human being sees the world?!". This describes me too well. The childhood neglect, emotional absence, etc. All me. Holy crap.

[@rhondasmith3127]

When people ask directly for what they want, I respect the Hell out of that, and am instantly motivated to make it happen. Instant shut down/turn off on the expectation that I should have known exactly what it was that someone wanted. Always wondered why that was. Thank you.

[@jurate2376]

Idk, I met such a guy recently, even though I liked him, I don't wanna spend time making him feel safe and supported while getting only sex in return. This personality thing is his thing and he should deal with it like I am dealing with my issues to be able to be a nice and safe partner. I want different kind of exchange. So I had to let him go.

[@smilinazzdoggy825]

You did the right thing

[@sselfless]

If you had supported his need to feel safe and supported he may have opened up and given more than just sex.

[@jurate2376]

@@sselfless may have is nothing to me. Cause it actually was what it was right then. I accepted not being able to change people and letting them be while choosing those who actually have something to offer.

[@sselfless]

Jūratė that actually sounds like a better plan tbh

[@corneisharatcliffe8053]

He must be a Gemini

[@cicichambers3887]

How can we be predictable or safe when they act like narcissists and shut us out?

[@priya_jha]

yeah it's difficult to be their safety net. Sometimes things feels so emotionally abusive

[@XRemARx]

Priya Jha honestly just dump them its not your problem girl. Know your worth. This is something that can only be fixed in therapy.

[@Ninsidhe]

Kiahran Adams So in your estimation how long *should* someone suffer deeply in relationship with an individual who is so terrified of themselves that they prefer to pretend their partner doesn’t actually exist and certainly has no rights to their own needs, wants and desires? Spending a lifetime with a DA that doesn’t want to change is an absolute recipe for a lifetime of loneliness unless you’re also a DA, but from what I understand DA’s don’t get together because they can’t feed off each other.

[@cicichambers3887]

Kiahran Adams x has a point, not everyone is not only equipped, but stronger than the avoidant. Take a mix of reasoning, patience, and irritating the efff out of them. Because if you provide happiness, but punish just as severely for bad behavior they can be trained to respect your right to be treated well.

[@Ninsidhe]

@@cicichambers3887 which reeks of utter manipulation and behaviour modification to me, not relationship- interestingly, narcs work under the same parameters, punish and bomb. That's not something I'm personally interested in.

[@Goteiii]

I am dismissive avoidant and I say that for me everything is true. I don't want "help" but I want my partner to be understanding and not judgemental. I don't get it unless tou tell me. I don't operate the same way most people do, so nothing goes without saying. Yes! Relying on me for anything makes me really anxious. The more important + hard it is the more nervous I get. I usually deal with my anxiety issues through nihilism. I keep saying to myself "Well, it doen't matter anyway so, relax." Also, thank you for understanding my kind (being understood is really important, as you mentioned). Most videos I see on the subject tend to say any attachement style other than secure is the devil or a fatal disease that need to be cured before you can have any relationship at all. They just can't understand that what we want from a relationship is a little different than what most people do. Which is why we need to be constantly reminded of our partner's needs and constantly remind them of our needs as well.

[@aprilleak4356]

Goteiii Thank you for elaborating on your attachment and feelings. You have helped me understand my loved ones attachment better. I never knew that this was a real thing. Would you suggest that I see if he would be interested in receiving counseling?

[@Goteiii]

@@aprilleak4356 Counseling can help, only if the person receiving it is willing to change. If he doesn't believe there is an issue he may see it as unnecessary. Also, unfortunately, some people still view it as something only people with clinical mental health issues receive. So, find out (if you don't already know) what his opinion is. Be extra careful if you actually decide to suggest counseling. Depending on how you bring it up, he may feel like he's being criticised and that's not a good thing. Make sure, like the video suggests, that you make it extra clear, that you value him as a person, love and accept him and that you are not being critical, just that some aspects of his behaviour are making you feel neglected (or whatever other issue you have). Say you think counseling could help you adress certain issues that both of you have in order for your relationship to be better. Or something along these lines. I don't know your circumstances all that well but I hope I have been helpful and I wish that, whatever you do things turn out better for both of you in the end.

[@kangkankrishnasarmapegu7789]

Are u an intp???

[@Goteiii]

@@kangkankrishnasarmapegu7789 Yes! Is it that obvious? :D

[@kangkankrishnasarmapegu7789]

@@Goteiii when u uttered nihilism...i knew u are a fellow intp... From my observation on the avoidant attachement style videos...i think the only mbti type most likely to be avoidant seems to be ti doms or te doms as they have fe or fi in their fourth slot...i dont know whether m correct...but i see a pattern here.. Especially with the hidden deep craving for emotional support with fe fourth slot... Cant really say about te doms though...but ti doms may be it could be a thing

[@tgtg6465]

They don’t even notice if you don’t give much in the relationship and can’t see that you doing something wrong even if you put yourself first and put them last, because it’s a normal way for how they behave. If you are the type of person that actually don’t have the energy to give a lot of yourself, this relationship well suits you.

[@sab3607]

I've learnt to become the kind of love I crave, being kind and soft and creating safe spaces but still completely relate still with being so put off from the fear of getting too close and vulnerable with people. Physically I used to run away but now I'm learning every day how to expand my own comfort zone with trust and revealing parts of myself that make me seriously cringe sometimes. Now I'm going on occasional dates but when the fear sets in I end up pretending to be as batshit crazy as I can to push them away 😅 it makes me anxious, feeling too much but I'm slowly taking those steps to form genuine connections with people.

[@christinasyoutube8815]

This is me. There is like a million dollars worth of therapy in this video! Hearing myself be described to a t and most importantly how others see me/us and why we do what do and that we aren’t crazy. That’s very powerful!

[@reyr.7439]

In other words: When dating a DA person, expect to be there for them whenever THEY want and expect nothing in return. 99% of the time they will be breadcrumbing you.

[@NeqMed]

And that is a painful, existence. Just got done with 30 years. We will always be (something), bc we have kids. But best word I can say is breadcrumbs, and anguish. Finding the 1% on the floor. Just to say: My health is returning now.

[@austinnguyen9107]

@@NeqMed 30 years wow, that is a traumatic experience on its own, forget about childhood traumas

[@NeqMed]

@@austinnguyen9107 so true. That is Albert Einstein‘s definition of insanity. Doing the same thing repeatedly, and expecting a different result.

[@brookeherchelroth9373]

And if you kindly address something that hurts you- it’s bye. No words just block for a month and then pop up again 🤪

[@Harsha-D311]

@@brookeherchelroth9373 you have a da girlfriend She will never express anything Leave her alone

[@judith4755]

This is amazing. I have just listened to a video about my husband and step daughter. Unfortunately the relationship is over. A warning if you are co dependant in any way, this attainment type is dangerous for you. I have had a breakdown/collapse as a result of being with this person for 5 years. I found this attachment styles inability to give devastating. I found the constant taking fatiguing, confusing and relentless.

[@denisejaydub]

Judi Chaplin-Fleming thank you for the warning

[@ponderdarlingmybustedheart]

Amen sister. DAs are super draining because all they do is take and only give if it's convenient for them. Not the recipe for true intimacy.

[@mawmaw7766]

Dismissive attitudes from my husband is painfully crushing.

[@littlemissess8942]

I'm DA and find people that are co-defendant super draining. I don't see how I'm draining when I really just want to be left alone. While co-defendants what to me up under me ALL the time. Like go do something please and let me read my book. We already talked.

[@sshuteandrew]

Same. They are dead on the inside and will break everyone around them who try to get close.

[@drumblebee]

im going to come out and admit that i was close to tears listening to this. i am so so so so so tired of holding people at arms length.

[@oscarwilliamson1264]

Maggie Buchanan,you got a pretty smile ☺️ lol

[@bygracethroughfaith589]

And that's why they attract the selfless, overly giving anxious types, because we truly want to support and accept them. The problem is, they don't make the same effort. I don't know how self-aware the DA has to be in order for this to work out... normally they lose attraction for you the moment that you reveal your feelings. They have to be the ones putting in the work first. At almost every single point in the relationship.

[@dawnacoxon3111]

This is very spot on and insightful! Because they are so hyper independent they actually want to be the one putting in the effort and control. When they are validated they start the deactivating. It’s very sad really.

[@GLamoRousCooKie]

Here we go, an anxious type making himself to be a victim, like always. Listen yall, you can always leave the relationship. In fact, that would be preferable to us. But no - you always chose to cling to us all while accusing us of being "horrible" because we don't give you attention 24/7, which is actually incredibly selfish and self-centered. It takes two to tango,.

[@dawnacoxon3111]

@@GLamoRousCooKie That’s interesting that’s what you got from our comments. I would reflect a little bit more LOL

[@nataliaturner4845]

@@mariachiingles2348 "You can always leave the relationship. In fact, that would be preferable to us." What kind of fucked up logic pretzel is that??? LOL

[@wildtainaspirit]

The logic of a DA.

[@goldestmean]

My dismissive-avoidant partner forces me to read between the lines. It's terrible.

[@francasparano3540]

I can relate

[@SimplisticallyDigital]

goldestmean Wow! I hadn’t connected it in this way. Very insightful!

[@SR77736]

Yeah they will but we have to know what we want.

[@blackroserevolution3989]

They're probably fearful avoidant, dismissive avoidants are shit at reading between the lines

[@salmam6184]

It means that we should understand the meaning that is hidden or implied rather than explicitly stated

[@melodiesproul4109]

Learning to love ourselves and finding happiness within ourselves is the cure for dismissive avoidance. Regardless of who did what to us, it is our responsibility to to take ownership of our attitudes and reactions and stop blaming others for our negative feelings and false beliefs. It has taken me over 50 years to learn this, but as a recovering dismissive avoidant, I can say that having put this into practice, I am in a much better place than I have been in the past. Now I am working on setting boundaries, showing myself more love and care, building healthy relationships with myself and others, and taking responsibility for my situation instead of blaming others.

[@MrMadvibez]

Well said. Do you have any good guides or sources on how to go about loving oneself better to share? Thank you.

[@melodiesproul4109]

@@MrMadvibez The first thing that I did was renounce religion because for me, that was a major stumbling block, having been told for many years that I was a sinner and I would never be good enough. I then started to embrace my own path and learned that we actually ARE good enough, because we are Source energy and since Source is perfect, so are we. We have to be because we are the same energy. Also, it is difficult to get rid of old mindsets, so even if you don't "feel" love for yourself, you can still put love into action by taking care of yourself and putting your needs above others. We are taught to serve others first and putting our needs above others is selfish, but in truth, if our own needs aren't being met, how can we be of service to anyone else? Prayer and meditation are also very important. Ask Source for help, meditate on your good intentions toward yourself and focus on self-love. Stop listening to those who have any less of an opinion of you than you do of yourself because they are also in an area of not loving themselves and misery loves company. Lastly, forgiveness is a huge thing. Forgive others, and just as importantly, forgive yourself for your mistakes. Forgiving oneself is the key to starting the journey to self-love.

[@melodiesproul4109]

@@MrMadvibez P.S. I also have a few really good spiritual teachers and whenever I get off kilter, I listen to a few of their vids and I'm able to pick myself right back up. :)

[@MrMadvibez]

@@melodiesproul4109 Thank you very deeply. Many blessings to you for your generosity and wisdom :)

[@just1desi]

@@MrMadvibez meditation is the single greatest thing you can do for your inner peace. try insight timer app their 10-20 mins guided meditations can get you started, do 1 a day until you get the hang of it.

[@sofiia9126]

Married to a DA for 15 years. In the midst of a break up at this very moment in time. Thanks to him though, The 15 year journey led me to understand that's it's not my job to save people from themselves. That's what I was trying to do for years while I was not getting my needs met. Anyway, after so much heartache, emotional stress/distress, anxiety, weightloss, depression, loneliness and at times, minut suicidal thoughts. My subconscious and intuition were telling me to leave. But my conscience and heart where telling me he needed saving. ignoring the emotional neglect that I was enduring, which caused my very often panic attacks. I'm traumatized actually. But I am baffled by his dismissal of my feelings even right up until the end at "The break up (last) talk" Like buddy, this could be the last time you ever see me... SAY SOMETHING! His responses are so repetitive and predictable that you, as an empath, can feel he doesn't actually understand what it is you're needing or wanting from him. But at the same time he'll make you feel like you meant nothing. He doesn't even sound the least bit interested. EVER. Talking about needs being met bores him to tears. Talking about the weather makes me wanna play Russian Roulette. He has drained my energy. I'm empathetic by nature with highly emotional intelligence. I feel empty and alone with a constant "something is always missing in my life" type feeling very frequently. He promised me the world and consistently broke promises, for years. He hurt me in ways you, as a DA would probably not even get. I felt myself almost sacrificing my soul had I not woken up and gotten out of that toxic relationship. My life had become everything he wanted. While he was content with his own way, I was resentful, distraught and felt unheard. It was almost like I was in a relationship with a robot. I realised in the end... We all make our own choices in our own paths. We need to do what's best for ourselves. We need to firstly identify what it is we actually need or want from life. We need to acknowledge and meet our own needs for our sanity and learn to love ourselves first and foremost. #SELFLOVE ❤️

[@guiwang4ever]

how scary is it, i can relate to everything that you just said and experienced emotionally even though my relationship with a DA lasted only a few months. it really is emotional abuse but it creeps in so subtly you dont even realise it until its too late.

[@andrewcalcote722]

From the bottom of my Heart thank you. You sound like you are talking about me. Thank you for sharing. I thought I was the only one.

[@kurfffa]

that’s not an avoidant. This is more narcissistic than avoidant.

[@Bbrer]

That gave me cold chills, and described exactly how I felt in my 20 year marriage! And you’re right self-love comes first because they will always put themselves first

[@deb_diaries]

Sounds awful. Yes, he needed saving -- but by a therapist, not by YOU.

[@_Trakman]

I hear everything through the lens of Attack and Violence. Zero tolerance for criticism or critique

[@alexbaxter6830]

I have read so much on trying to understand my avoidant attachment in intimate relationships and where it comes from. This video right here has absolutely nailed it, bang on. I've only just become aware of attachment styles and why it has caused breakdown of previous relationships, but out of everything I have read this has been the best. Well done on presenting this in a non-judgemental way (IE. I'm not a bad person) and helping to understand it's roots. And thank you for the insights into needs which has just given me an epiphany in why me and my partner are clashing over our needs. It makes so much sense now. A lot of work ahead of me, but thank you so much for this start!

[@redbonescorpio79]

I am new to attachment theory and 100 percent a DA. This video is speaking life into me. It’s everything I feel and deal with on a daily basis. Thank you for helping us find clarity. Now it’s time for me to do the work.

[@TheElbell3]

I'm in tears! This is sooooo helpful. I have never been with someone who was able to express these things to me, and this video has brought so much clarity and understanding about this attachment style and what they need and why they struggle so much to open up. Just being able to understand is so freeing and helps heal so much past hurt! I assumed guys were just unemotional and felt like I should just accept that, but I was always so discontent in relationships and longed for a deeper connection. In a way I felt like as a woman I should intuitively understand these things about men, and I just didn't, which made me feel not good enough. THANK YOU times a million!!!! I feel so encouraged by this.

[@giovannipanzera9684]

Ellie Mann, not all men are like this I myself Express my feeling and show my affection I had a broke up a few weeks ago she was close in has a hard time expressing her feeling. Only dated for almost three months

[@oscarwilliamson1264]

Ellie Mann, Really!

[@flash_flood_area]

It's not just a male thing. Men can be secure, or they can be anxious. Women can be avoidant.

[@scubagirl1971]

Interesting how DA’s expectations for others do does not align with how they act towards others.

[@sal2975]

They were never taught to give what they want because they never received it when they were little.

[@marioct130]

Exactly.

[@ponnimae]

POWERFUL. Never seen a video that actually paints these relationships in a positive light, showing that even if you are a love addict who is almost always attracted to such avoidants, there is hope and a way to actually have a healthy relationship in spite of you both having these maladaptive attachment styles.

[@SA-mj3uv]

We go through many hoops to understand DAs but eventually, I feel that we get nothing but pain for it. Take this for an example : You slowly and faithfully work with them in opening up. They open up. Then, they ghost you out of the blue. You are left reeling with so much pain and anxiety bc you were convinced that it was working - he or she was opening up. It is always a few steps forward and a hundred steps back with them to ground zero, all over again, like some maddening cycle. What I find "confusing" in what you're saying is this : The DA wants you to be direct with them in what you want but when you do become direct, they run and ghost. So how does this work?

[@annajung1234]

"The DA wants you to be direct with them in what you want but when you do become direct, they run and ghost." 3 points here. First of all, you're stating it as an axiom, as if you know all the DAs, and their response to someone being direct is always "run and ghost." That obviously cannot be true. Secondly, the tone and words you choose to be direct and express your wants matter. As the video explains, DAs are oversensitive to criticism and easily offended. And their response to criticism and offence can easily be giving up on a relationship altogether. Thirdly, maybe the DAs who did run and ghost after you expressed your needs directly simply understood that they cannot ever meet those needs and that you won't work as a couple. Thus, they saved you both some time and pain by leaving.

[@veronicalagor4771]

​@@annajung1234Quite frankly if someone can't revisit the conversation after a criticism (or at least self aware this is a pattern they have), they shouldn't be in serious relationships anyway. It's a form of stonewalling, and it unfairly shuts down two-way communication.

[@nico3641]

As we are all “responsible for meeting our own needs” I sincerely wonder what is the point of having a romantic relationship? I’ve struggled understanding this.

[@blackroserevolution3989]

Yeah that's kind of how we feel cause we can feel really intense feelings of attraction for other people and care about them immensely but no, there really isn't much of a point in putting yourself into some kind of ideal "commited relationship" when we can feel love without all that

[@andrewraslan5348]

Because the difference between a self-assured and mature person, and a needy and immature one, is that the mature and self-assured person doesn't *need* people, romantically or otherwise, we just like them. The needy and immature person doesn't have the skills to deal with their own emotions, so they use their relationships as a means to "outsource" the effort of dealing with feelings.

[@drshohinidas4051]

@@andrewraslan5348 I am sorry I disagree with you strongly. Being needy is not immatured. Every person, every human has needs. Some people have needs for space,some have needs for communication and closeness. So yeah. Being needy is not immatured. And being " I don't care about anyone else " isn't matured

[@andrewraslan5348]

@@drshohinidas4051 You can care about other people without being needy and high-maintenance. The principle difference between a child and an adult is a sense of: - Social responsibility (including not dumping the responsibility for your emotional processes on others); - Self-sufficiency (a child is helplessly dependent on its caregivers - an able-bodied adult is very much not).

[@rawans744]

I wish I came across this video two weeks ago during my problems with my avoidant bf🥺. I learned alot, but sadly I cant take it anymore 🥺 and at this point I just need to leave him .

[@Orisiya]

You are not alone. I wish you a lot of courage and closure. Going through the same thing right now

[@pugs861]

I am going through the same thing too

[@robinjayne9556]

This was the best thing I have seen about the avoidant. Thank you!

[@CatloafCreative]

My partner and I are both on the avoidant side of the attachment spectrum and we both agree the thing we like most about our relationship is predictably and safety. What also helps is a solid foundation of trust. We've been friends 20 years and have dated the past five. When every we do get around to addressing conflict (which we both hate) we are able to endure the still very painful and awkward process a lot more easily because we can count on that consistancy. Great vid, very affirming.

[@XeniasWorld]

This is me. But I'm pretty intuitive and sense energy or mood changes with people. I get upset when ppl don't address their issues with me and I cut them off. Unresolved issues lead to resentment and lashing out. And when confronted, ppl tend to lie or deny. I'm now pretty much solo

[@ALABRASILIANA]

Ugh. Right smh

[@XeniasWorld]

@@ALABRASILIANA the struggle is real!

[@tulip5210]

aww :( when people don't address their issues with me when I ask, I feel hurt because I feel lied to

[@malithiwijayathilaka1451]

Sounds like you're Fearful Avoidant

[@BrokenSofa]

That's a schoolbook example of a fearful avoidant

[@MonaLisaFaceMusic]

If you’re anxiously preoccupied... I recommend seeing a therapist that specializes in somatic therapy. You need to create some awareness for your own emotions..... you might think you are but if you’re pushing a dismissive avoidant (who loves you) away, then you’re probably not. They don’t like the anxious pushy nature we can have. A good therapist will show you what it looks like to truly hold space for someone and then you can emulate that for them.

[@AquaNikki]

You get fake sensitivity from them when you tell them exactly what you need. Best to see what they want to do rather than what you ask them to do.

[@ieva8168]

I don’t think people realize that people with dismissive avoidant personality disorder view emotions in extremely negative way. From my personal experience, ALL emotions associate with pain and suffering. It is like that because for the bigger part of my life I experienced neglect and bullying in school, parents never trusted me (and still don’t), they would always blame me for things I didn’t do, always require to get highest grades. My “friends” never cared about what I said even when I actually tried to open up and explain how conflicted I feel. Throughout the years, I’ve become traumatized to the point where all emotions associate with never ending inner battle to reach impossible. I tend to shut off from outside world and become numb in oder to breathe. If I let emotions to take the wheel, I fell like I am drowning. I know I am indifferent in all aspects of my life, but my emotions are destructive. I think I possibly have depression and anxiety disorder so I TRY to keep my feelings locked up and buried deeply inside. It is the safest way to stay somewhat rational and keep my mind clear. And I’m not kidding when I say that I am scared of relationships. Never been in one, doubt I’ll be anywhere close to dating soon. My mindset is too toxic as I am a threat to myself. I’m simply incapable of understanding people around me. I can’t even understand myself. It’s pointless to hurt someone because of my messed up outlook. Lately I was thinking about going to a psychiatrist to get medicine prescribed. It could help. Maybe.

[@omarndaya]

This is sad😥😥hope you find light

[@nyandianjoroge7624]

Hey, I hope you are doing better now, you are not alone ❤️

[@CoddelSobers]

Looking at the world through these lens would of surely exhaust me . I pray that you find healing.

[@serenaroseauthentics1391]

The no.1 most accurate description of my attachment style I’ve ever come across in my entire life. This lady is 100% spot on. It was like listening to a psychic!

[@MrMadvibez]

Bingo!

[@underdawgtv4300]

She is THE BEST!!!

[@kavitaskumar]

I was rude n spoke sickly as he was being DA on n off..should i be apologising

[@serenaroseauthentics1391]

@@kavitaskumar does the behaviour you demonstrated meet your personal standard of conduct? If not, apologise because that’s the person that you are, not because you want to try and manufacture a particular response from him.

[@denniskong338]

This is pretty much me and it has ruined three long term relationships. Unfortunately, I didn't discover this disorder sooner. Very frustrating! I hope to work on changing this rather than wait for a future partner to come into my life and HOPE they can understand this issue.

[@watcherwlc53]

attachment style, but not a disorder, not a diagnosis

[@MrMadvibez]

Tremendous video! Well this explains why out of the 5 love languages I could only relate to acts of service and physical touch. I had little regard for gifts, affirmation, and quality time.

[@sshuteandrew]

Love this!! Best attachment videos on KZbin 💗Everything you said rings absolutely true.

[@lilyw5468]

This makes so much sense to me about my ex. Thank you. I remember him telling me the last time we spoke that I was supposed to get him without him telling me, and I was like how’s that possible... feels like he was looking for someone who could give him unconditional love, but he needed to understand he needed to communicate more to be understood in the first place.

[@jayefrankfurt5762]

The content you delivered in this video is unparallel. Thank you for being clear and well spoken.

[@vergedrums]

My problem is I’m kinda “friends/maybe we want to be more than friends” with a dismissive avoidant, AND I’m dismissive avoidant. Also, we recently reconnected after she dumped me five years ago; we’ve both had failed live-in relationships since. Now we go roller skating together, because we both like skating, but also she asked me out to dinner the first time, and actually made me a picnic dinner the second time. At the end of the night, all I can muster is a hug, because she scares me in how much she’s like me, and in the fact that she already dumped me. At the same time, I think she’s amazing. I feel like we both want more, but we’re both so avoidant that neither has the courage to say anything out of fear of rejection. Part of me says just get tf away, she already dumped you once.

[@holliew36]

Wow this resonates so much, very grateful to have found this video, feel less crazy and hopeless knowing I'm not alone! Thanks for sharing ♡

[@kahloshere]

This video kept popping up on my recommended list and I have been avoiding it. Thank you so much! I am anxious and my partner is avoidant and this video explained so much of my reality and experiences of what works and what doesn't within our relationship. Most advice on the net is not as helpful as this one video for understanding the dynamics between us. Thanks so much!

[@jamesbuchananbarness]

i’ve been felt so understood before, like i’m crying and it’s a lot

[@johng.4959]

Wow... Thanks for this video. I wish that I had found this information and understood it few years ago. You just described an ex-girlfriend of mine that I love very much and I didn't understand what was happening during our break up. Now, after listening to your descriptions of how "DA's" feel when confronted, it all makes perfect sense. I may have been able to adjust my relationship knowing these facts. Unfortunately, you only know what you know at the time. Hopefully this helps someone else dealing with people like this. Thank you.

[@DianaDiana-ku1me]

Omg you are so amazing this is literally a description of me and thank you for making this it will help me understand myself and others so much better

[@DvddyChic]

This is truly the first time I feel understood! I have always been told I’m a taker and selfish. But your totally right as to why I am that way. Thank you so much!

[@brandoncota8132]

Woweewow. This video just shed so much light on my relationship with my partner. Thank you so much for this. We're headed to therapy to learn to communicate. I had no idea. Explains a lot of his issues with me too.