5 Anxious Attachment Behaviors That Can Destroy Relationships | Conflict Resolution Course

[@roshalllambert]

I love how she offers solution for each point!

[@anon_ya]

Working out, walks, podcasts, yoga, meditation/prayer, call a friend or family member, check in on someone who is going through a rough time, volunteer at a homeless shelter and feed people in need, clean out a closet, learn another language, read a book, go watch a movie, so many options!

[@johnnycassell4338]

1. Struggle to see others boundaries 2. Not having a relationship to yourself 3. Holding on too tightly 4. Leading with fear 5. Critical when needs are unmet

[@edgreen8140]

Thanks for the list Jimmy.

[@Fallen_Angels]

I was anxious with a dismissive avoidant...however with everyone else I was completely secure.

[@blueaqua2122]

I think a lot of AP's are actually secure, but were just dealing with a DA. Of course, some become AP after the experience while others escape with their security still intact.

[@robdog4095]

Here we go again another blame shifting ap not willing to take accountability for their part in the relationship and their wounds 🙄

[@Fallen_Angels]

@@robdog4095 It's just a confliction in attachment style where we were both just incompatible in solving issues that emerged in the relationship for example I wanted to solve issues within 2 days whereas he wanted to wait at least...a month to come back. On the spectrum, I'm barely anxious when it comes to relationships however this specific circumstance with this particular DA that I was with, it made me anxious. Long distance, work and other factors as well as going hot and cold made me anxious. I kept it at bay and even with our dynamic I kept a lot inside, I came off as completely secure but on the inside it's a completely different story. Overly being DA can make any secure person anxious and being AP can make any secure person feel smothered and distance themselves.

[@PeukinsPoint]

Yup. They’re poison to us.

[@carlalotus]

@@Fallen_Angels I really resonate with this !! ❤

[@ZhengSW]

When my DA ex broke up with me, I always thought the relationship ending was completely my fault. Knowing that these are just my trauma responses and Thais telling me that it's not my fault has really given me the freedom to let go. All my AP patterns are the affects of trauma and all of us APs should be gentle to ourselves. The 4th point really resonated with me. I think that's the nastiest AP trauma response.

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

They will people please & self-abandon, and then naturally will operate under covert contracts. Bang On!

[@itsaplantlife9850]

I told a friend that was looking to heal about your channel. I hope he takes it. I had to pull away when I felt his needs being put on me, and clinging when I explained I was not going to do his work for him. Hopefully I do hear from him once he's found center again. I knew him back before he became so disregulated. Such a sweet soul.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

I hope he comes to us for support as well! You're a really good friend by the way :)

[@Sizzln-Rozes]

I wonder what made him so disregulated since you mentioned he wasn’t before

[@itsaplantlife9850]

@@Sizzln-Rozes He never took time between relationships after we ended. Had two marriages back to back and attaching to very short relationships until finally one that gaslit and verbally abused. Back with me he didn't know how to communicate his fears or insecurities.

[@davidbulchak9415]

Hi Thais! I didn’t know where to put this comment because it’s generalized. Thank you for all of this information. My gf of 3 years is a DA, and we are rebuilding. She was the one who opened my eyes that I’m actually an AP. I always knew a lot of my thinking and feelings were not healthy, but this has been an epiphany for me. I had no idea all of these issues were connected and had a name! I’m learning so much about me and DAs as individuals and it’s crazy how much makes sense now and I’m already learning to love myself and about individuality but these videos take me to the next level. As soon as I’m able I am going to join PDS. I really appreciate you and this work. This is gold. Thank you, Thais. Whole heartedly. God bless you.

[@SUNNofODIN]

I needed this today, it helped me in a situation I am in for the last 2-3 days with my close friend. I related a lot to AP, I can feel that I am not wanting to respect boundaries as things are strained, I recognize I am afraid of being abandoned, am convinced at some level of that eventual outcome.

[@tucky3191]

Thank you so much Thais. Life changing!!!! May I request a webinar all about how to nurture ourselves? Like reparenting but specifically in the area of nurturing?

[@tucky3191]

This is so practically helpful 😭❤️

[@RAlexander]

Thanks for these, Thais and Team PDS. These highly introspective and constructive vids are so helpful, and I am going through this exact situation. Also, shout out to Joanna and the many amazing others in my first social event just now (Self-Love Routine), where, despite having to join very late, joining in has left me incredibly fulfilled. You’re all amazing, and thank you for what you do!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Amazing! I will share this with Joanna, she will be so happy to hear it! :)

[@RAlexander]

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Glad to hear! She'll know me as the one moving to the US from London. (This account is very much a screen name.)

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

@@RAlexander She said you're a really nice person :)

[@kimpeters4451]

Thais you are a god-send. And so clear and easy to follow. I can identify with 3 out of these 5. I've written down everything and am going to attempt to put it into live action. I am currently in the middle of my DA's" pull away". This time is a doozy. Ugh! I just hope that working on these items can help me first and then US in the long run. Good Luck to everyone!!

[@amandaharris7205]

Wow! So exciting to see how I've let these go ❤️

[@amapolavioleta]

Can we actually meet our needs without friends or family? Because my closest friends have moved and my family bonds are not good. I'm independent but I do have a hard time not feeling lonely.

[@blueaqua2122]

I'm in the same boat. Would also like to know the answer to this. Making friends seems impossible.

[@itsaplantlife9850]

I didn't learn how to even face abandonment issues until going through really hard stuff while living with a DA that wouldn't even comfort. I couldn't escape how painful it was, but till then I didn't realize that I wanted people to save me. Now I just my best to not self abandon.

[@kmbrlia]

Same and we usually feel lonely because we are around people that aren’t like us :/ I dislike being alone but I also don’t have like minded people around me..

[@sarahstevenson8155]

Same here. Live in a remote area where I have had a hard time making friends. My childhood friends are all married with kids and are not as accessible. My DA boyfriend has really been my only friend out here. I'm usually more FA but I think the lack of friends has caused more of the avoidant/anxious dance between us.

[@edgreen8140]

What stories do I tell myself, so useful . From a psychotherapist. Are the stories true or like self talk where did it come from?

[@Jamy528]

Thank you 💜

[@Sizzln-Rozes]

“Meet your needs from the inside out not from the outside in”

[@TheHeartbound]

I realized in my most recent relationship with an avoidant partner that I was AP, when normally in other relationships I was very secure. Is this normal? Anytime I would express my needs my partner would roll their eyes or scoff like "here we go again." Anytime I would say "Hey I dont like that you did that" they would be very defensive or just completely stonewall me. They were very hot and cold and I never really knew where I stood with them. I made a lot of mistakes which led to the breakup a couple weeks ago, which I completely take responsibility for, but I can't help but wonder if maybe our attachment styles were to blame or if it was just me acting crazy.

[@sarahstevenson8155]

My bf does the same thing and we are currently on a break this week. When I try to express my needs or something that hurt me, he either stonewalls and blankly stares at me, changes the subject, turns up the music, leaves the room, begins furiously multitasking while not looking at me, says "why are you ruining our night?" or "anyway...," tells me to be quiet, or goes to sleep. My therapist told me that me then acting louder and talking more are "protest behaviors" on my end. I have never felt more anxious in a relationship (I'm usually more FA/secure) and can see that I try to healthily communicate "hey that hurts me when you shut me down" or "I'm triggered when x, y z happens." Neither seem to work. What seems to have worked is I have to notice first that he is shut down, which is hard since I'm triggered, then have to say "I see you need space. I'll leave for 20 minutes and then we can talk again." Ideally it would get to a point where he could ask for that.

[@TheHeartbound]

@@sarahstevenson8155 I 100% understand what you're going through. It's really hard to give someone space when you just wanna talk about it and move on instead of being upset at each other. In my case I couldn't take it anymore, and decided to walk away. You can only take so much silent treatment, invalidation, lack of accountability, and overall disregard until you reach a breaking point. I hate to say this but people like your bf and my ex rarely ever change because they don't see anything wrong with what they're doing. With that being said I hope your situation gets better!

[@jackspenser22]

It definitely takes two to tango in a relationship. He needs to be willing to recognize what he is doing and try to work on it. If he is unwilling to work on himself then you're going to pretty much be talking to a wall. I am DA so I understand where your bf comes from. Criticism is very difficult to hear but he needs to work on himself so that he doesn't take criticism so personally. But you're also on the right track in regards to soft startups when it comes to how you bring up issues and make sure you're using I feel language rather than you always/never language

[@kingofaikido]

Yes but what about years of silence..? How many years of space is needed..?

[@rcarter1able]

It really sucks being an AP 🙁

[@chafaq]

Don't get me started on being a DA 😂 at least I'm finally aware of it and can work on changing things.

[@anja7787]

I wouldnt have an abandonment wound if people didnt leave and when i self soothe, im really gaslighting myself and going against my gut, which is usually 900000% right. Me: hey you okay? Them: yep. Them: 1 week later - gone.

[@nellautumngirl]

By gut, you mean your feelings? We anxious have to learn that our feelings don't tell us the truth sometimes

[@ADShine2022]

And that also you can be subconsciously presenting yourself in a way that pushes people away…but also if those people walked away then that means they weren’t right for you

[@anja7787]

@@nellautumngirl agree but all of my cases, it did. And no I didn't push or ask or repeat. I accepted that everything was fine and moved on and focused on other things.

[@anja7787]

@@ADShine2022 yup. Weren't right. Thank you for that. And I definitely wasn't presenting in an anxious way, even subconsciously. I completely left my FA/DA alone. I showed all my texts to my therapists and was very transparent and wanted to be held accountable incase I did anything wrong.

[@PeukinsPoint]

Yep. I was the one who had to end the relationship after he ghosted me for 5 days in the house. Lifelong scars.