The Situationship - 5 Reasons Avoidants Prefer This Type of Relationship

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In today's video, Thais Gibson shares 5 reasons why the fearful avoidant attachment style (disorganized attachment style) prefers the situationship. Not sure what a situationship is? Watch now to learn more as Thais provides useful tips and guidance.
To learn more, explore the transformative course, "Overcome Limerence and Extreme Infatuation", for powerful tools you can begin using immediately on your journey!
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:00:52 - Reason #1: Struggle with Core Wounds
00:02:51 - Reason #2: Trust Wounds
00:04:17 - Reason #3: Outside Their Comfort Zone
00:07:05 - Promo Course: Overcoming Limerence - IAT Promo
00:09:02 - Reason #4: Afraid to Lose the Relationship to Themselves
00:10:27 - Reason #5: Struggle Expressing Needs
00:11:32 - Conclusion
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Hey there! I'm Thais Gibson, and this is the channel where I teach you how to transform your life.
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#PersonalDevelopmentSchool #ThaisGibson #PDS #AttachmentStyles #FearfulAvoidant #FearfulAvoidantAttachment #DisorganizedAttachment #DisorganizedAttachmentStyle #AvoidantAttachment #AvoidantAttachmentStyle #FearfulAvoidantCourse #Situationship #DatingAFearfulAvoidant

[@v9b23j]

Jillian Turecki posted, "When we choose to remain connected to someone who can never give us the commitment we want, we interfere with not only our well-being, but with our futures."

[@sararichardson737]

So true so true. I was in a situation-ship for 20 years. He died leaving me suddenly homeless as we had lived together all that time. He gave the flat to a distant relative.

[@LeeChrissy]

​@@sararichardson737 I'm friends with a woman who was in a situationship with a man and no one knew about them the entire time. He passed away and she didn't go to the funeral and wake because no one knew who she was and felt it would be inappropriate. That always stuck with me because she was really in love with him. 😢

[@sararichardson737]

@@LeeChrissy thats so sad.

[@tammytaylor6239]

​@@sararichardson737Oh my. My heart goes out to you. Thank you so much for sharing. 💝

[@destinyschild5768]

Situationships are the worst

[@robertadcox8419]

In a cab paying a fee but not going anywhere. Against human nature.

[@dudleylandsberg1747]

From experience. No. Whether it's 3 weeks. Or 3 months. Or a year. At some point they will ghost you.

[@karltan9461]

And the pain will be the same - unimaginable.

[@cml1888]

Agreed. It's as if all the time together and connection has no significance.

[@SK-no2pp]

If a relationships has become toxic or detrimental to your wellbeing you may have to acknowledge the need to step away. This doesn't mean you have stopped loving your them or that you blame them for the things that didn't work out - it means you are taking care of your own psychological and emotional needs. Ask yourself how are we growing? How does this relationship serve me? How does it make me happy? If you're struggling to find the answers, you may already know the answer as painful as it might be

[@v9b23j]

I would even ask myself, why did I put myself in a situation where I had to endure not having my needs met in the first place? It all begins with us, not them.

[@desireebarrett3193]

Very good advice, wish it didn’t take me 2 years, a relapse period with the DA, and therapy to figure it out. But I’m definitely never letting this happen again. I feel like being a nun 😂

[@desireebarrett3193]

@@v9b23jlove this addtl question!

[@lutzilaus880]

​@@desireebarrett3193feel you. My situationship lasted 3 months and it was the first time in my life I got to know what my needs were and so the first time talking about my needs. It would have been a wonder if they were met, but it gave me the chance to find out what I really need and want and I am kind of thankful for this situation, although it hurts so much having feelings for a person that aren't reciprocated. Feels like we are on the way finding ourselves so that we can find the ones that belong to us. All the best to you :)

[@desireebarrett3193]

Reading the comments it’s both, a relief to know that I’m not in this same situation-“ship” (see what I did there 😅) alone that others have dealt with the pain of almost love with a DA or FA and both shocking that this dilemma is present in society. Humans are so wonderfully complicated. I wonder why if people are not interested in being in a relationship why they don’t just casually date forever or hook up with ppl that WANT to ONLY hook up. Why go for the ones looking to settle down only to break our hearts? I know the reason it’s because we’re all searching for love in some way.

[@HippieZippy]

It's best to just give up at this point and simply love a pet! It's far less complicated.

[@anzelaiv]

I'm FA, and I always hated the uncertainty of situationships. I could easily commit to someone if strong feelings were involved but I wanted the honeymoon to end fast so I could get to know the real person and find out if we were compatible for cohabitation, which was what I wanted from a relationship. My struggle came later, with bigger decisions such as marriage and children. I can't imagine being in a situationship or on-and-off with someone you love. It would be torture. I'd rather stay away entirely.

[@alice-hp7dh]

Yep. A torture.😢

[@doxarapenoz3852]

The way I’m literally texting my situationship rn about trying to grow together and whether or not a looking into a relationship is for us or not. They show me so many times they want to but they also pull away and talk to other people.

[@norswil8763]

Set the boundaries immediately, honestly the further you walk down that path the harder the fallout. Hoping they’ll meet your expectations isn’t a safe game, if you are significant to them they’d have expressed that.

[@v9b23j]

A close friend of mine who is poly and married and identifies herself as dismissive avoidant says that after the honeymoon phase she gets bored, seeks novelty, and values her freedom and independence over commitment. I haven't heard her talk about her core and trust wounds as the reason she doesn't want to be in a committed relationship.

[@sheliasmith2884]

And that is why we should leave these people alone.

[@Adriannnnnnnn91]

Currently in a situationship with an avoidant. After taking her to dinner and getting her a few gifts for her bday, i noticed her pulling away a bit. Its been a handful of weeks since and we dont even talk anymore. Ive reached out letting her know if somethings wrong we can talk or if she needs space i can do that. She doesnt want to open up, i can see that. But for now im just giving her the space and she can reach out to me when she wants.

[@SK-no2pp]

Is this meeting your needs and making you feel good?

[@zacpdx]

Things changed dramatically when I tried to make her birthday special. (She commented before that men before really didn’t do much).I’m left reeling still months later as I was ghosted for the first time in my life. Tread carefully friend

[@Adam-hx1gw]

I drove 1.5hr to surprise her w flowers and gifts for her bday. Two days later she shut down and everything changed

[@DobermanDanK9]

​@@Adam-hx1gwThey don't feel worthy of the effort

[@SatieSatie]

The truth is, the DA _will_ punish you for your efforts. They will also punish you for _them_ liking _you._ All the men I've ever loved were DAs, except for one, and I'm so so so so so tired of this shit.

[@heartsource]

I'm avoidant and regonize myself in all the points. I long for a close loving relationship. But don't want to drag anyone into my problems and cause suffering. Not sure what to do. As i have worked on myself on my own but not evolved much. When i was in a relationship i evolved a lot. Maybe my way is to find a secure partner and work on myself and it wouldn't be too hard on the partner. Wish you'd do a video on how to know what directing to choose, when to try relationship and when to do the work on your own.

[@Mars-]

Great Work ,as usual Thais.⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

[@Twighlight333]

Im a fearful avoidant and he is a dismissive avoidant and we been in this situationahip for 3 years..... we both have tried everything to let each other go but we cant, we always get back but the cycle of back and fourth is becoming soooo boring to me, the pain my ego goes through every time just sucks and im sooo sick of the same old pattern

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

Same. Since 2021. He's been a close friend since maybe 1998 and even closer later on in life. We keep trying but after this last run, I'm not feeling it anymore. The love is still there, but he hasn't evolved and I have. Typically when we separate it gets better when we get back together but this time he put in a ton of effort before I agreed to see him and even when I saw him but now he's deflated like a balloon. I'm starting to think he needs the excitement and anxiety of not seeing me in order to be super interested and then when he sees me it's not exciting anymore. Extreme ups and extreme downs with him and I'm not into it.

[@SK-no2pp]

Sounds like a trauma bond

[@Mermaid03_03]

This is exactly me and the DA. One of us would pull back. I was actually the first who started it. We’ve been more off than on atp but I’m sure it’s done now. The connection was just so deep.

[@SK-no2pp]

@@Mermaid03_03 connection doesn’t mean compatibility

[@Mermaid03_03]

@@SK-no2pp tell me about it!

[@eppsislike]

Yep, I realized I'm currently in this with an FA (and it's new to me as I my last relationships were always straight to the point). i'm trying to move the needle and being patient, she ghosted me in a very subtle albeit anxious and in a coping way via text after I tried to kiss her during our date (essentially trying to move it to the next level). It requires a lot of patience navigating this and boundaries are key, but if she's not willing to communicate (even after I already encouraged her) there's no point of trying to invest in this.

[@sheliasmith2884]

You will be wasting your time time which we don't have and can't get back.

[@eppsislike]

@@sheliasmith2884 tell me more, Shelia

[@eppsislike]

@@sheliasmith2884 tell me more

[@IsabelSmith31]

I feel like youre talking directly to me 😂 That can't be true But i feel a lot of shame around not having a strong relationship to my self And guilt

[@champe0n61]

I've never felt so baited in my entire life *watches*

[@APerson142]

I’m a DA.. I just ghosted a guy I was in a situationship with. He wanted a serious relationship even though I told him in the beginning that I wasn’t looking for anything serious.

[@tmreaves1]

These people are crazy and you are crazy if you want to be with them...i cant!!!

[@aspiringrootwoman24]

Spoken like a crazy person pointing fingers

[@samhoward9802]

The person is crazy once they see it and continue the same pattern, but pretty much anyone can happily waltz into several of these scenarios.

[@karmiyfeels]

Then why are you here?

[@tmreaves1]

My apologies to you dismissive avoidants. I am here for the same reasons you are here. If you are aware that you are DAs then good for you. Hope you start your healing process here. That is why I am here.

[@CapricornSunSagRisingLibraMoon]

I wish these videos would just state the answer to their titles first so there's no ambiguity then give the reasons behind the answer or solution.

[@desireebarrett3193]

Also still watching the vid halfway through and when she mentioned at 6:19 that we stay in the situationship because the avoidant “makes me feel soo seen but it’s because you’re not seeing yourself.” That was a punch in the gut. It’s really about healing your own attachment style so that you can not only attract better but feel better on the inside ❤️‍🩹

[@SK-no2pp]

If someone acts like your partner but refuses to use titles, it's because they aren't ready for a relationship, want to keep their options open, or aren't sure about you. Titles define a relationship. There's no ambiguity when there's a title, which is why labels scare people who aren't read to commit. Relationships are about actions AND words. When it comes to relationships, actions don't always speak louder than words. One is not more important than the other. The important thing is whether someone's actions align with their words. To avoid using a title, people might say things like let's just take it slow, I want to enjoy what we have, I like things the way they are, I don't want to get hurt, I don't do labels, it's too much pressure, I'm not ready for a relationship yet, the timing isn't right, let's see how things are going in a few months, etc... But when a person is ready to commit, comfortable with intimacy, and sure about you, the way they act will align with the words they speak

[@olive4naito]

This is true. And it gets even more complicated when they ask you if you're getting married before you've even talked about what that is or consider being in a relationship first. It sounds like they're more interested in the idea of a relationship than actually talk about what marriage looks like for them and for you. If you've been seeing each other for some time it's understandable to want to label it but a lot of people don't know the right questions to ask to figure this out. On the one hand it's good to have some idea of what kind of relationship you're both looking for. On the other hand it can quickly turn into a quest to impose personal goals and beliefs onto your love interest and want a relationship for the sake of it but not because you love and honour that person for who they are.

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

Yes. Pretending to be into it solely for selfish purposes is not cool. Especially since there are millions of men and women who would align with what they want. It's strange to me that one will crave being with someone who they know they won't want a relationship with when they can just casually sleep with those who don't want a relationship either. About 6 years ago, I was looking to try a situationship (dumb move) where I would see one man maybe 2 or 3 times a month and we'd have a best friend vibe, go out to dinner and then have sex. Well, I found this man. I tried keeping all emotions out and he was saying all of the things to make me fall in love with him. Turns out he had a live in gf and I was crushed. I was also pissed because I couldn't for the life of me understand why he was being so open and emotional and seemingly trying to get me to fall for him when he had someone already that he had no intentions on leaving. If he was looking for a fling, he had that in the bag because I was very clear on that being what I was looking for so why involve feelings? I honestly think that some just want the challenge and when they know they can have you sexually without any effort then they are now trying to create an emotional connection for their ego maybe? To see if they can get you to fall in love? It's weird and I don't understand why people mix emotions and love when they aren't looking for a relationship.

[@lilianchan1370]

That just sounds more like an asshole cheater😂, no need to classify him as DA or Fa😂​@@SunshineAndSnowflakes

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

​@@lilianchan1370 I didn't classify him as a DA or FA. I don't know what he was actually. This was more of an example of someone who was trying to form an emotional connection with me knowing he had zero intentions on making us a couple. And you're right. Asshole cheater is very accurate! The other part I didn't mention is that he didn't label his relationship with the other woman either hence why I was FB friends with him for years and had no idea about her. As soon as I let her know what he was doing, she held on tight and got that label though. I remember thinking why would this wealthy, successful, seemingly kind woman want to stay with this bum?

[@r_and_a]

aggh! clicked thinking this was about DA (my partner) not FA (me) 🥴 wasn't prepared to be called out so clearly, lol as usual, it rang very true for me 💜 grateful for all i've learned through pds which has honestly helped more than any counselor i've seen (& as an FA w/ C-PTSD there've been a few 🙃)

[@jasonpfeilsticker5692]

no and they dont deserve your time or love. they dont deserve anything but to be alone because they only hurt people.

[@djhpta]

Can you create a video on how the potential move to the Bliss stage of the relationship looks like with an avoidant and/or fearful avoidant

[@MilesIncognito]

is that even possible while still insecure? or at least, wouldn't the insecure style(s) need to be attempting to become secure to get to that stage? The DA is the only one who I think has a chance. If they have made it over the hump and really feel accepted, maybe they can chill in the Bliss stage? But I still think it's hard not to bolt when trouble comes up, and they lack the tools to resolve conflict, so eventually that sounds like it is headed for trouble.

[@SatieSatie]

As long as avoidants don't actively work on themselves to become secure (years and years of therapy), there will be no bliss stage. The bliss stage goes, by definition, against everything that the avoidants are. That's why they're in the _insecure_ attachment category.

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

​@@MilesIncognito I agree. It likely has to be with someone who has stellar communication skills that are firm, yet soft enough to help them understand and not run when conflict arises. It's still risky unless it's an avoidant who is big on commitment/long-term relationships. If you get one that is wishy washy in that department then trying to get past the honeymoon stage is extremely difficult and making it past the power struggle phase is damn near impossible lol.

[@MilesIncognito]

@@SunshineAndSnowflakes yeah, I think I'm only moderately DA, and my wife is a very successful & independent woman who doesn't need too much emotionally. Also she's into "acts of service" and I am tremendously useful & considerate re practical things, so that lines up well. I feel appreciated and accepted, which is what I want from a relationship. But to SatieSatie's point, it is true I have had some therapy on the way out of my first marriage, to an anxious woman. And that experience was a rough education in the need to protect my boundaries lest my partner's needs take over my life.

[@saltydriver3722]

😂

[@sifublack192]

Crazy as this sounds, I've been in similar relationships and they were actually really great. I don't classify them as situationships because we were enjoying ourselves without wanting to commit. We did activities such as dinner, dancing, watching movies, going to comedy shows, and even "Netflix and chill." We enjoyed it because there wasn't any hope for commitment lingering over our heads. However, there were times when the woman DID want to commit when I did not. I could see their anger and frustration so I gave them the choice of wanting to continue seeing me or breaking things off. More times than not they wanted to continue seeing me which lead to problems later, particularly jealousy when I was seeing other women . Eventually, I learned to just break things off when a woman wanted to commit and I didn't because it caused too much drama.

[@karou3205]

Is it something that kept happening for you though? Women wanting to commit at some point? Do you think its inevitable?

[@sifublack192]

@@karou3205 around 70% of the women I dated inevitably wanted to commit after a while. The rest would find someone else and we'd agree to break things off.

[@eppsislike]

Yeah a SS is when you're already at a point where both of you have established an emotional bond but one party either wants to commit and one doesn't (usually out of fear for commitment)

[@sifublack192]

@@eppsislike well then my example of dating women who want to commit when I don't fits that criteria perfectly.

[@eppsislike]

@@sifublack192 I didn't get that you were scared though. You were straight to the point and they'd get that. If you were scared you'd be in a position where you wouldn't commit but afraid to lose them so you don't give any indication. The person would either be patient (if they spot the signs) and give you a chance or two to communicate or they take it personally and run away buthurt.

[@Career_Change_with_Freda]

As an FA, I agree, I prefer situationships and my favourite movie was Alfie and the idea of having multiple partners but in a casual manner.

[@eppsislike]

Bruv

[@godotblendno107]

I'm a fearful avoidant. Personally I prefer exclusivity. In fact I feel a lot of anxiety if exclusivity isn't defined in a relationship as I worry that she will leave me for someone else. I don't have the time, energy, drive and motivation to juggle multiple women. And I feel that its best to have unprotected sex with one woman than to have to wear protection having sex with multiple women. However I do get spooked out once my lovers talk about wanting to move in together, going on vacations abroad together, having kids, marriage, etc. In hindsight I guess you could say my last relationship was a situationship. Because it lasted only 3 months. But she asked for exclusivity within the first 4 weeks, about 18 days after we first had sex together. And I didn't mind this at all. I didn't see anyone else. I was committed to her. The Honeymoon Phase/NRE wore off after 3 months and we already went into the Power Struggle stage at the 3 month mark. I suspect she may have been a fearful avoidant herself. Or maybe she got back with her ex of 9 years.

[@aspiringrootwoman24]

I relate to this. I far prefer committed relationships because I know where I stand. I have accepted a ton of situationships though due to low self worth and limerence. And I can get a little claustrophobic in commitments but I think it's because I picked too impulsively and realize I'm not actually compatible with the person I've promised to love 😢