How to Be Assertive: The Assertive Communication Style

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Assertive communication is essential for good relationships and for feeling good about yourself. But many people don't know how to be assertive. They use other, less helpful communication styles.
In this video I'll teach you how you can improve your communication by being assertive.
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Therapy in a Nutshell, LLC, and the information provided by Emma McAdam are solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Although Emma McAdam is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health.
About Me:
I’m Emma McAdam. I’m a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and I have worked in various settings of change and growth since 2004. My experience includes juvenile corrections, adventure therapy programs, wilderness therapy programs, an eating disorder treatment center, a residential treatment center, and I currently work in an outpatient therapy clinic.
In therapy I use a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Systems Theory, positive psychology, and a bio-psycho-social approach to treating mental illness and other challenges we all face in life. The ideas from my videos are frequently adapted from multiple sources. Many of them come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, especially the work of Steven Hayes, Jason Luoma, and Russ Harris. The sections on stress and the mind-body connection derive from the work of Stephen Porges (the Polyvagal theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing) Francine Shapiro (EMDR), and Bessel Van Der Kolk. I also rely heavily on the work of the Arbinger institute for my overall understanding of our ability to choose our life's direction.
And deeper than all of that, the Gospel of Jesus Christ orients my personal worldview and sense of security, peace, hope, and love www.churchofjesuschrist.org/comeuntochrist/believe
If you are in crisis, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or your local emergency services.
Copyright Therapy in a Nutshell, LLC
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[@yeseniarobles4289]

I’m 32 and I just learned that assertiveness is one of the keys to mental peace. If you’re not assertive you will be dragged, you’re basically allowing people to decide for you and that creates grudges. Be assertive but also be respectful.

[@Blasianpower2]

The hardest thing for me is being respectful lol I end up blowing up and being rude af

[@yeseniarobles4289]

@@Blasianpower2 keep in mind that just like you have struggled in life so have others. We go through life thinking only we’ve had it bad, but everyone is a walking book. Once you understand that it gets easier to respect because everyone has been through something and everyone is seeking validation.

[@PK-se2jh]

so true :'(

[@Blasianpower2]

@@yeseniarobles4289 I understand and get it it’s just the fact passiveness is like bottling emotions so by the time I express it appears to people I’m blowing up but ima try to do better because yeah I’m grown grown I just turned 27 I want to be a better version and if anything inspire somebody else that struggled like I have to say how they feel

[@fourshore502]

i agree but its also very tricky. it really is a skill to be assertive in the right way. its not just like assertive or non assertive there is a very big gray zone in between depending on different situations and different people.

[@NarcismeOverleven]

When you're raised in a narcissistic environment, you learn being assertive is unaccepted. It creates a lot of being passive-agressive in your adulthood.

[@mahanjot101271]

Yes. this happened to me. I grew up with a narcissistic mother, and at 50 years of age, I discovered that I am not assertive. Moreover, my communication is sometimes passive aggressive

[@ohmygoodnessgoddess]

My therapist told me that assertiveness is the remedy to resentment

[@MrJoon360]

I also really struggle with being assertive. I always paralleled it with being aggressive, but it's not. Then I learned assertiveness is your ability to act in harmony with your self-esteem without hurting others.

[@kittybeans8192]

Yeah, being assertive can sometimes look similar to being aggressive. If I had to put it in words myself, I think the biggest difference between the two is simply, do you respect the other person? Are you demanding sushi, or are you letting them know you're tired of pizza, so that they can make a decision which is informed by what you actually want? If they respect you too, they will be grateful to know what you want.

[@JB-ij7qm]

“Be willing to make an imperfect decision.”That hits home as I overthink anything and everything - definitely going to see how to be more clear and assertive now. Thanks for this great information!

[@rebeccachambers419]

I like how you tell us what your issues are also. In a funny way that helps me to relax and I don't think I am so bad after all. I guess we all have struggles.

[@lalitasavitri1924]

True...

[@mariab.cuevas7523]

A

[@nightshift4587]

This was terrific, this taught in schools as a subject would be so beneficial to the world.

[@kittybeans8192]

14:09 For me, I find another benefit to being assertive is not just improving relationships, but also avoiding bad relationships. For example, I run a small gaming community. Mainly there are two groups, the players in general, and the staff who help enforce community rules & guidelines. I had a somewhat-close friend who asked to be staff. And admittedly I wasn't as assertive as I now think I should've been, but I ultimately told her no, I don't think she'd be a good fit for the position. She didn't appreciate that, said that it's not nice to decline her since we're friends. However, what she couldn't or didn't want to accept, is that being staff and being my friend are not strictly correlated; being one does not necessarily imply anything about being the other. Unfortunately, that friend and I don't talk anymore. Being assertive helped me avoid entering a dishonest, disrespectful relationship with her. Something I realized looking back on that incident, is that being assertive was not only more respectful to myself and to my friend, but it's also respectful to the community at large. By coming to my community, everyone is basically trusting me to make good decisions, to build and maintain a safe and fun community. A willingness to take on people as staff despite feeling sure they shouldn't be, is a kind of security hole whereby people unfit for power can acquire power. As the "leader", it's my responsibility to ensure that can't happen. If I permit that to happen, it feels disrespectful to everyone who's trusting me.

[@gnarthdarkanen7464]

People can get their feathers a bit ruffled when you decide to be assertive... AND that's okay. Disappointment sucks, and that doesn't invalidate the emotional context of being disappointed when one wants a certain thing or position or whatever... Some of those people may try to confuse the issue, to guilt trip you over being assertive as if it's exactly the same as being aggressive or even mean.This kind of activity actually tells you more about THEM than anything they could say or do might inform anyone about you. People tend to accuse others of the kinds of things they'd do, themselves. It's WHY the meanest thing you can do to a thief is steal from him. He's going to be quicker to assume and shout about being robbed than he is to get down on the floor and assume he either dropped or misplaced something. Nope, somebody stole it... has to be that somebody stole it... He's resentful when he loses something, and temperamental about the possibility of losing anything... He's quick to accuse and reluctant to back down or forgive... Sound familiar??? SO someone quick to accuse you of being aggressive or mean is similarly inclined to be aggressive or mean... at least, they're so inclined at any point when they think they can get by that way... AND they'll be likely to go the "passive aggressive route" whenever they'd prefer to bully their way through, but are too afraid of getting hurt to try it directly... The bottom line is simple. Did you say or do anything "maliciously" to someone else? Malice is with the intent and forethought to cause them some harm or grief... If you didn't act with that intent, then you've done nothing to BE guilty about... THEY are clearly trying to create shame where there should be none, and THAT is their malice of intent against you... I prefer to simply sever ties with people like that, myself. It's a big world and there are LOTS of other people in it. There's no reason they should feel required to inflict themselves upon me, nor that I'm somehow privileged to inflict myself upon them... and that's that. ;o)

[@dailydoseofmedicinee]

Here are some tips to help you learn to be more assertive: Make the decision to positively assert yourself. Aim for open and honest communication. Listen actively. Agree to disagree. Avoid guilt trips Stay calm. Take a problem-solving approach to conflict.

[@hildehausikujohannes7664]

Thanks emma ,i struggle feeling guilty some times ,i now understand the different between feeling guilty and being guilty,

[@sekyiwahnana9961]

When I try to be assertive without coming across as harsh, I mostly end up over explaining myself - and it sucks :/

[@KimPosteryournewpenpal]

Oh man I can relate to this😶

[@jillpruett3444]

@@KimPosteryournewpenpal me too.

[@abi7183]

Maybe because being assertive makes you feel anxious, and explaining yourself is a way you subconsciously try to alleviate the anxiety? As Emma says in the video, we need to learn how to tolerate the uncomfortable feelings that arise when we assert ourselves. At least you're self-aware, that's the first step. Second step is to find a way of handling the anxiety (or other uncomfortable feelings) that arise, in a way that doesn't "suck" :) P.S I'm not trying to lecture here. This is me thinking out loud, because this applies to me too!

[@sekyiwahnana9961]

@@abi7183 Thank you very much for the useful advice! I appreciate you cared enough to say something. And you're right! Come to think of it, when asserting myself, I get anxious that people might think negatively of me - I tend to people please. And to cope with my anxiety, I overexplain myself. So, based on your advice, I think that a good solution could be that when I try to assert myself, I should give 1 concise valid reason (only if the situation requires me of doing so) instead of over-explaining myself - while I keep in mind that i'm coming from a good place, so whatever that person might think of me shouldn't make me uncomfortable. Thank you! Have a blessed day! :)

[@abi7183]

@@sekyiwahnana9961 You're very welcome. Glad to be of assistance. I would also recommend "When I say No, I Feel Guilty" by Manuel J. Smith. Though it was written in the '70s, it's the best book on assertiveness training I've come across. In the book he gives clear systems on how to act assertively in lots of different situations. For me, it's been invaluable. Have a blessed day too :)

[@Angels-3xist]

I’ve watched a ton of psychology based videos and although I’m aware that different things work for different people, these videos have some of the only things I’ve found to be practical and applicable and helpful in a very direct way. You can act on alot of the advice very quickly and easily if you want to. It takes a minute to see where she’s coming from, but I think it’s a really good place.

[@chipstealer.-.]

Exactly I feel the same way and I keep recommending this channel because of all the useful advice!

[@tulsalien]

My favorite (sarcasm) thing has been being assertive my whole life and being told that’s aggressive or disrespectful 😑 now I’m 32 and realizing I’ve been doing a pretty good job at this whole life thing lol ❤

[@wishfulthinking9399]

I've always struggled with feeling like a burden, so your point about it being healthy and okay to sometimes inconvenience people in a relationship is a welcome surprise to me. I feel like you just gave me permission to "look out for my own best interests" and not feel guilty about it.

[@johannaquinones7473]

You are excellent at what you do. God bless you and thank you.

[@ss-hc7tb]

i read your name as johnny quinones and i had a fangirl moment

[@marjorymsuku9312]

Thank you for the added tip that assertiveness has to be done in a respectful way. I normally default to triangulation/passive-aggressive. It is going to take a bit more effort, but I will practise to be more assertive. Thank you, Emma.❤

[@mernaloy2269]

Seems like people don't accept me being assertive since I've always been a quiet, shy, people pleaser my whole life. When I stand up for myself they shrink back in horror, as if I just threatened to hurt them physically. They want to keep me the same whimpy person I've always been. I can't win ! So I just stay away. It's the only way to keep my sanity.

[@LadyRolle1]

Please do more videos on this topic!!!!!! Please please please! This is so good and the way you explain everything is so helpful!

[@KimPosteryournewpenpal]

This is such an amazing channel ✨ I feel like being more assertive is difficult for every ppl pleaser. Ty for simplifying these topics for us 💜

[@nancyannchew9646]

Thank you I was assertive yesterday and felt guilty about it. Bless you Emma.

[@shobhas8729]

Thank you so much for the vedio. My daughter just started working from home for an IT company. . She struggles with assertiveness and I do as well. I shall ask her to watch it too. She can use all the tips and advice you give 😊

[@supermichaelssecondchannel4342]

I’m going to apply this at my job. I’m going to focus on finishing my work week without calling out.

[@zeldahopper]

It's difficult for me as a woman is we get mixed messages from society and when growing up to "be sweet, be gentle, be kind, be loving, be feminine... "Men don't like women who are combative etc" all those things I think went into my personality and filtering "assertiveness" as being domineering. Or unfeminine.

[@mm7846]

I literally just agreed to more work with my boss when I’m overloaded. What timing!

[@billyb71]

Im passive and people walk all over me and controlling people look at me and see a target. I want to stop being a target at every single job I have but I also don't want an uncomfortable work environment if I stand up for myself. When people boss me around and give me attitude for no reason responding with assertiveness in my mind is escalation of that situation. That is my fear. I want to not have anxiety when i go into work everyday

[@josephsworldoftaekwondo5059]

I’m understanding that she triggered and froze from some trauma that denied her expression and needs. She had a difficult time putting her needs above others. But, she did it. Frozen is better than meltdown. Been there!

[@ShanteLux]

I’ve done every single example made in this video but I want to change heal and be better this year for myself and for the people I love.

[@elkepool3861]

WOW...you are teaching us so much and explaining it so good, thank you for your great work , effort and love. Blessings🌷 We like your personal stories...inspired

[@andreibercea942]

Amazing, Emma. Thank you so much for all of this content. It's invaluable. So glad we have youtube.

[@theologytherapist]

Incorporating learning about the assertive communication style people's religious trauma and cult recovery healing could be so effective to help regain a sense of confidence and to get in touch with their own agency. Learning to empower yourself in this way is great!

[@cherylnorvell7649]

Growing up I had friends tell me what to do all the time! Valerie

[@sagaxister]

You matter so much to me. I'm an analyst and I've been learning a lot with you. Currently studying relational psychoanalysis. Peace.

[@starbug345]

Can you talk in more detail about WHY some people choose to talk in passive, aggressive, and passive aggressive instead of assertive communication? I feel like most people know deep down they are SUPPOSED to speak in an assertive way, but something is getting in their way. I would love if you could talk about this because it could help for those who struggle even if they know what they’re supposed to do

[@irshikha]

It's their 'conditioning'. They don't want to seem 'bad' to people. They become 'people pleasers' - an identity they've been given. Moreover, it's like having any addiction, wherein after a while, you know about the bad effects more than the rest of the world, still you don't stop that. People-pleasing can also be reversed, yet you have to say 'yes' to yourself.

[@memyaccount8213]

When they feel like the other person has power over them or is in a position of power above them (regardless of whether it’s true), they may hold back what they need to say so as to not talk ‘out of place.’ Indirectly hinting at it may be the only thing they feel they’re ‘allowed’ to do, which can come out as passive-aggressiveness as their silent resentment grows.

[@melaniechouette2445]

I don't know why, when I think about my lack of assertiveness, and the instances that I didn't stand up for myself, I feel deeply angry, very angry...

[@renaudlevasseur8327]

That's something I experienced too, I realised it's because you let other crossed your boudaries and in a way you become angry at them or/and yourself because you feel like they are disrespectful or you kind of hate yourself because you did not stand up for yourself and so you judge yourself that what's leads to anger. Feeling ashamed, guilty or wahtever, anger is a secondary emotion that protect us from the "real" feeling.

[@mordecai8707]

Grudges. I’ve experienced the same for a while now

[@nehalinga]

Your videos are so simple yet comprehensive. Thank you so much for the amazing content! :)

[@Carmel99333]

Love your humaness thanks for creating peace in the world with these videos

[@jenjencannon3224]

Great work.... I can see you put a lot of energy into every single video. Each one is like a full chapter of a book... all boiled down into "a chat with a warm and knowledgeable friend"

[@chelsaroo91]

My childs father is passive....it has really killed me. I've come to the point where I dont think he ever tells me the truth. It really is hard to live with. I thank you for this video. I'm not as bitter and I'm actually pitying him now. 💔 Maybe he's just a sweetheart that doesn't know how to express himself.

[@wanderingintime]

I appreciate your video!! maybe this is a topic for another? defensiveness? I was hoping this video would address assertive defensiveness.. I feel I am assertive usually, but when I feel overwhelmed, I defend myself angry and feel I'm being aggressive. for example, I was with others in a situation where we had to be quiet but could still communicate. there were people joking and using their voices loudly and directing while those telling others they needed to keep their voices down were the biggest perpetrators. I had politely and quietly told some (who could hear) the same people telling other to do so were being just as loud. when I was off to the side minding my own business, I accidentally dropped something and made a loud noise, and 2 people whisper yelled at me and I sort of lost it...not yelled but sounding irritated, shaking, heart racing and talking fast-ish..."i obviously didnt drop this on purpose. why am I getting yelled at for doing something not even as bad as everyone else is doing? I've been quiet this whole time and you guys are making the most noise and being hypocrites" they passed it off as being worried about my safety, and one person apologized. but I felt insanely bad about it after because I spewed too much thoughts at once and did sound angry... also, I notice sometimes someone trying to pass.aggr. control my behaviors (sometimes I think to look like the boss. they aren't my boss and we're not at work). I try to ignore and behave in a way I think is independent and normal, and when I am warned or scolded for doing a behavior they themselves do, I bring it up defensively, not yelling but sounding irritated like "oh am I not allowed to do x when you do it regularly? I'm just doing my thing here, like you." (see my confusion? I'm not yelling or trying to control, but I feel aggressive)

[@tahitihawaiiblue]

😢 sorry to hear you had so much trouble expressing yourself in the past. But now your videos are helping millions of people 😊

[@ImTash]

i think being assertive is difficult for women - we've been raised to be pliable, passive and agreeable. Especially in the workplace if you're in the least bit assertive you're seen as a threat and labelled aggressive and difficult. So any opinion has to be introduced with an apology and watered down to be entirely non-committal and non confrontational. When you set boundaries and tell people that something is not possible or viable - you are one that's seen as being an asshole when all you've done is given them a polite, intelligent, informed, irreversible answer that they didn't like, and because they can't argue with facts they try and fault the person behind them and label you things like 'difficult' and 'unhelpful' or 'arrogant' because you have enough experience to know what you're talking about in your own field of expertise which they have come to you for. If they can't argue or exert dominance over you in any other way they resort to personal attacks. I find generally people make assumptions from my demeanour and when people think I'm cute little dorothy from the wizard of oz because I'm tiny and soft spoken and I open my mouth and reveal myself to be a triple threat because I actually have opinions, experience and intelligence it's like watching a cartoon elephant jumping a mile in the air when a mouse sticks its tongue out.

[@edwardbasham7800]

Watching this has really made me realise that rarely do my close family use assertive language. My father moves between passive at times and aggressive at others, my mother passive-aggressive or passive, my brother passive-aggressive, my sister aggressive, my other sister is all over the place. Maybe this is why I have been speaking passively all my life.

[@feliciam3991]

Hello, where is the easy to love quiz????? P.s. thanku so much for all of the insightful advice😃😃😃 it brought me much peace and comfort. I know the Lord sent you to help others like me. Thanku so much🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

[@brendamanchester6969]

Thanks Emma ~ love this & will keep coming back to it. You've nailed assertiveness. I struggle with it!

[@annajones1396]

The problem I'm finding is that if I express a different opinion, even at work, it's perceived the same as if it is hate speech. Differing opinions are really not tolerated in this society anymore.

[@linaarafeh7280]

Amazing video. So clear and encouraging! It makes me want to stop being passive aggressive and be assertive, no matter how hard. Many thanks 🙏

[@MimiLacadena]

I'm so thankful for these videos, im in a pretty pivotal period of my life and its fantastic to have this channel to help me along this journey! Thank you 😍

[@vaneflowerz]

Thanks You so much for posting this video... I love your voice and the way you talk yo the camera.

[@khorshidbanoo1158]

thank you so much. i really needed to hear this and i just love the way you explain things... it's very organized and relatable

[@misssophie6515]

Thank you for the great videos. It would be nice to hear your advice on handling people who react to assertive communication with escalation or sarcasm or some other form of invalidation AND who have some leverage over our life, e.g. your boss or a neighbour or landlord you can't avoid. With these people I feel nearly all techniques/ advice that is generally given to handle rude or disrespectful people can't be applied, because you might win one argument, but the relationship will get even worse after that if the person on the other side feels like they "lost", so they come back at you with twice the disdain next time. There are people who just want to walk over you or control you and if you try to react logically or honestly to that, they feel so "caught" that their behaviour often becomes worse, they come up with all kinds of stuff just to prove that you have nothing to say. I think it is best not to have such toxic people in your life, but I feel like I have spent half my life avoiding such people, it made me quit workplaces, relationships and so on, because I just felt any conversation only had two possible outcomes: the person wiping the floor with me or the person hating me even more because I did not allow them to wipe the floor with me, it escalates very quickly. I also find it increasingly impossible to control my resentment towards these kinds of people. I hear a lot of advice saying "well it is up to you if you permit this person to make your day terrible", but I find this very impractical or unrealistic. If it is someone you can't avoid and who is really unreasonable, disrespectful and judgmental towards you, when you enter work in the morning with trembling, cold hands and a sick stomach, thinking "oh my god, in a minute I'll meet this person, what is going to happen today?" , how can you honestly say "this doesn't affect me"? When I reach the point where it truly doesn't affect me it is always too late, then it is because I know I am leaving already, then I feel no emotion in discussions and funnily enough the other person's behaviour always changes instantly, even the most unempathic, self-centered person can feel when you have closed the connection to them.

[@issamissa902]

Trying to prevent others from feeling hurt - really hit home 😷

[@ajas7851]

The tips are great but assertiveness for me personally is big challenge at present on account of 4 reasons: 1. In eastern societies, indirect communication is more preferred to direct communication..assertiveness is not appreciated in public dealings (in office, personal eelations etc) and a person becomes instantly unpopular and disliked by his peers, even if he/she is honest and respectful in displaying it.. 2. Being both assertive and being respectful is extremely challenging for me..because the moment I want to be assertive automatically my body starts feeling very uncomfortable with anxiety even at the very thought of it..also I have found that I end up looking very stupid and clumsy/awkward many times while trying to be assertive.. 3.I have observed that it is very difficult for me to be assertive without getting into a fight..so in order to be less anxious and physically uncomfortable, I try to avoid conflict which i understand is not a good strategy but assertiveness does not come properly to me in talk.. 4. It is very difficult to say no to the boss on many occasions..furthermore it is extremely difficult to get the mind in order when talking with difficult & toxic people on their faults & shortcomings..

[@yvonneneal8063]

Thank you for this video. I have heard about assertiveness for a very long time and I've been told that I need to be more assertive. I honestly could not understand what that meant until watching this video. I get it now, and I took a moment to express myself in this manner to someone that I needed to apologize to but also enforce a boundary.

[@claudiasindoni661]

Not to spam (I just left a comment under another video haha) but again, thank you for your videos, Emma!! Whenever I'm having a rough morning, one of my steps includes re-watching your videos to try and remind myself of what I can do and I feel so much peace afterwards. Not necessarily because I have a bullet-proof plan, but because I know that I'll be trying the best way I know how. Today was one of those mornings and all I can say is that it brought me so much peace to take in your videos. If the peace, acceptance, understanding, and then challenge to change of Jesus Christ could be wrapped up in one video, it would feel a lot like yours. It feels like a big warm hug. Thanks for your content. :)

[@ceetiguilamoreno2550]

Thank you for these videos. things really do help and I’m glad I stumbled upon your page

[@japplesin]

OMG. I also relate to this. There are people i associated with that are loud and bossy and controlling. I am slow in thoughs AND words.

[@izawaniek2568]

Thank you for a very helpful video.

[@mohammedalshannat2385]

Thank you, Emma. We owe you a lot!

[@Alhamdulilah6873]

being assertive it could be hard in the beginning because it brings us out of our comfort zone , but remember we can’t control how others feels or react when it come to our mental peace.

[@RippleDrop.]

I am happy I found this. Passive (aggressive) communication really does undermine trust and is disrespectful to not assert your boundries and later on lash out to another they "should have known" while you thought everything was cool. That is not ok. The fact is this is deceptive and cowardly - and again highly disrespectful.

[@rebeccajones8628]

In some situations silence is the only way.

[@sohalidina]

I just love your educational videos. They are life savers!! Thank you as always! ❤️

[@user-jb7pu7yo6r]

Id like to thank you so much ❤️ ur videos have helped me deal with past trauma n showed me skills to help deal with like skills ur one in a million

[@jimmy2035]

The defining was very helpful. Now I can discern what is assertiveness/passiveness/p.a and what are the signs. Thank you. I just bought 3 of your Udemy courses on sale. What a bargain!

[@BigBossMan538]

Living with a sister who would not compromise or understand what I want pretty much set me up for being too passive. She’d say, “Come on, let’s do this!” I also grew up in a household that had more aggressive communication, same with an old supervisor I used to have who was also aggressive and accusatory. I felt like my needs, feelings, and interests didn’t matter. I have to just go with what others want or roll over and take my supervisor’s crap. I felt like I was on a ride I couldn’t get off of.

[@Vic_T_234]

This is one of the hardest ones I struggle with bc I had one parent who would get toxic and abusive, basically aggressive communication. I hated it.

[@darickearney3746]

My issue with being more assertive isn't that I can't be open, honest, and vulnerable, it's knowing how to deal with an asshole who can't take "No" for an answer. Most of the people in my life growing up used violence to deal with differences, and I feel like I always have to be ready for an altercation whenever I try to verbally set boundaries. Being nice isn't enough, and being stern isn't either sometimes.

[@sandyavalos3305]

I had this question, cos also there are times I don’t want to deal with toxic people or nosey people. And idc what their relationship is with me

[@supermichaelssecondchannel4342]

Thank you for the video.

[@sharonpinkerton8297]

You look so pretty in that color with your curly hair..Good teaching

[@Topofthemormingtoyou]

Another excellent video! Thanks

[@samiaamin8336]

I love your videos :) Thanks for sharing them with us

[@somethingspecific3619]

I'm waaaay too passive.. I'll try and work on my communication style.

[@DM-jt9io]

Bless you for giving help to us

[@onbecomingacounsellor23]

Fantastic work!!! Thank you very much!

[@Dora23Jan]

It’s amazing. It helped me a lot. Hopefully u can create exercise

[@johnrainsman6650]

I should've been more assertive with my boss when she belittled me. She was upset I had signed up for a one-person shift because, to be honest, I'm kind of a slow learner who does much better with a helping hand. She said she didn't think I could manage alone and was all "I've told you not to sign up for shifts by yourself, I've been very clear about that, I don't know how much clearer I can get for you to listen" (something like, that, so I'm not perfectly quoting her), and she told me I need someone there to give me instructions and guide me. Her stern condescension really upset me, and I'm mad at myself for not saying something to show her how I felt. I should've said, A. "Well, the thing is, if we keep me away from a shift just because of an _assumption_ about me, we won't know what I'm capable of, and that's just not practical thinking. You know the old saying, _You never know till you try_ B. "Well...don't you think if you're gonna say something like that, you might as well just say I'm incompetent and unintelligent?" (In a mellow voice to avoid sounding rude or passive-aggressive.) C. "My family always taught me to be self-confident and believe in my abilities." Can't argue with that, unless you want to tell the person you disagree and _don't_ think they have it in them. Maybe I _should_ show her signs of self-doubt, to show her I've accepted defeat and given up. Maybe she deserves that feeling of guilt.

[@CandyLemon36]

This content is a tour de force. A related book I read was just as monumental. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Samuel Dawn

[@nicolesavioz6601]

Thank you!

[@timrassi5535]

Thank you so much for this video.

[@raginijoshi1108]

Thanks very helpful and appreciate this

[@donnatrimm2885]

Excellent stuff!

[@cairosilver2932]

I think if you are trying to deal with a narcissist then 'I' words and assertiveness don't work - someone has to have/use empathy to care about what you are assertively saying you care about. You'll just be in for invalidation if you try and express yourself assertively to a narcissist - you can still do so, but make sure you're prepared for the invalidation and only assert it for your own benefit of standing up for yourself, they wont change/take any of it on.

[@meganhenry5795]

Me: becomes more assertive and respectfully direct. Them: Are you ok?

[@jillpruett3444]

Thank you for the divine intervention. Saved by the bell. 😊👍

[@jillpruett3444]

Referring to the restaurant calling you. 😊

[@hamala7437]

It's up to oneself, but caring or mercy would definitely be smelled

[@kasiekk193]

this was very helpful, thanks

[@PK-se2jh]

This video help me so much

[@vernicephillip4882]

Excdllent video. Thank you

[@2Young2BeOld]

When someone insults me or criticizes my appearance or clothing I've decided I will now say: "What compels you to say that?" That way I don't have to be the one who has to respond to an awkward statement, they do.

[@March5546]

Very helpful. Thank you!

[@sayrewilkin-dalby619]

Where does directness without kindness fit in? A: Let's get pizza tonight! B: No, sushi. A: Aw please, I really want pizza. B: We're doing sushi. Or someone submits a large amount of work and the only feedback they give is something like, "Why is there a typo in the 3rd header?" The top one seems like something in between assertive and aggressive. The bottom one actually seems most like assertive, but isn't kind. Maybe curtness needs a category too.

[@amelian9677]

I really like this.

[@zeldahopper]

Thank you

[@AudreyJDiCarlo]

I really appreciate you!

[@Elisabeth19031978]

I'm more like the mother-in-law. I would think she's mad at me and feeling bad about myself. When I start with "I", they say I'm selfish. I,I,I. It didn't help. 😢

[@harrydelacruz1044]

Thanks!

[@tougefreak]

how to be assertive when the other person doesn't respect or care?

[@Mudpuddle123]

Uncomfortably very 👍 ✔️

[@Belinda.]

How do I un wire my brain. I was raised by two bullies. How do I unlearn that

[@stepanyanmariam]

Thanks

[@Blasianpower2]

I’m trying to master the art of being assertive and not being aggressive 😂