How to Have a Good Conversation

We too often imagine that ‘good conversations’ are things we fall into out of luck. Far from it, knowing how to have a good conversation is a skill that can be learnt - and here are the beginning of the rules.
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FURTHER READING
“Having a decent conversation is something most of us imagine we can do without any problem - and certainly without much thought. These things just happen naturally. Don’t they?
But in truth, truly good conversations come along very rarely; largely because our societies fall for the Romantic myth that knowing how to talk to other people is something we are born knowing how to do, rather than an art dependent on a little planning and a few skills. We rightly accept that total improvisation in preparing a meal is unlikely to yield good outcomes; but we show no such caution or modesty when it comes to how we might talk over the food once it has been made. Finding oneself in a good conversation can feel as haphazard and random as stumbling on a beautiful square in a foreign city at night ­- and realising one won’t reliably know how to get back there in daytime.”
You can read more on this and other subjects here: goo.gl/dSuY1L
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CREDITS
Produced in collaboration with:
Khyan Mansley
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[@theaxisofinsight]

The hardest part of any conversation is listening to understand. Most people listen to respond.

[@theaxisofinsight]

Surprisingly most people tend to do the latter before the former. I agree with you though.

[@SplitSniper7]

That's a very interesting insight. I've never thought about it that way.

[@jigglypufforninjas7290]

this is gold imma save this comment

[@eus9]

Mr Moustache It is easy to understand what someone is saying, the difficulty can come from understanding what they *want* to say.

[@insafegul]

I listen to understand...

[@catstairs8147]

"Vulnerability builds friendship."

[@SomethingSmellsMichy]

The weak do not deserve allies!

[@santi044]

@@SomethingSmellsMichy ??

[@groundzero1041]

Vulnerability makes you weak in certain people's eyes and hence exploitable so don't show your emotions amongst people you don't trust

[@SavvyToli]

@@groundzero1041 Hence why many of us now rarely have any friends because of fear of betrayal or neglect. It takes a long time to build trust with someone after that especially when you know deep down you need a connection or friendship to feel whole again.

[@sudishhantal8]

iterated this to this person with whom things were getting vague, and things have changed for the better

[@joeysung311]

School of Life- you are my third parent.

[@cup_check_official]

you might have daddy or mommy issues then

[@joeysung311]

Only some of my issues are mommy/daddy related. The rest, I happily claim as my own.

[@annathesupercutedragon3928]

Joey Sung School of Life is my only parent ;-;

[@abbamohd7427]

I think so too 😂

[@knocknockify]

Tell Me This School of Life has a video on that

[@catalinmihit]

I don't know how, but you always post the video I need when I need it...

[@joeysung311]

they always leave me with a warm happy feeling

[@saniokt7078]

always with one-two hours too late for me :)

[@missmonke8706]

Geometry Dash Faso Ayyyy. Let's see if this comment "blows up" like mine did.

[@sansamman4619]

that's not true you don't even think about it if you really think about it you can search it, he uploads stuff that is really popular so everyone thinks its amazing and they need it.

[@Tiara48z]

Geometry Dash Faso I know it's creepy. Lol

[@fadi77fadi77]

I've noticed that the only channel I can't make out the voice clearly while eating coco pops cereal is the school of life. The frequencies of Alain's voice curiously overlaps with the sound of crunching coco pops, which have taught to avoid watching this channel while eating cereal.

[@juliz2500]

Fadi Al Salti Lol

[@nursejennyk40]

Fadi Al Salti holy shit I thought I was the only one

[@mach9713]

hey are you from Lebanon?

[@tomservo5007]

or switch cereals

[@RenatoKestener]

That sounds hard to you. How do you manage to select the videos while eating cereal? You drop the spoon while mouthful or interrupt your eating?

[@mixedairsoft4323]

Really great video. It's crazy how much effort you put into your videos. I hope KZbin is compensating you well or your getting some good source of revenue through these. Can't explain how much these videos mean to me. Great content.

[@mauromodica]

04:00 But wouldn't that be rude?...It seems like he doesn't want to talk about the loss of his mother, and yet, she still points that out this confuse me...

[@sheepnoisebah]

i thought so too. sounds like a conversation you have with a therapist not in front of a group of acquaintances. maybe it's fine if they're close friends, but the beginning of the video makes it look like they're not since they're showing examples of bad conversations.

[@bolivar1789]

Hello Mauro! Himmmm, I didn't think it was rude because she seemed really very kind and caring. Sometimes, especially when you are deeply in pain, a person who loves you a lot may know it better than you, what you really need in that moment. That's one very beautiful thing about friendship. It is not that he didn't want to speak about his mother. In that case he would have refused to answer her question. It would be enough if he just said: " I don't feel like talking about it right now". And no one would push him. He probably was feeling very insecure abobut it. We live in a society where you are not supposed to "burden" anybody with your feelings. But the girl, by asking him to talk about his mother, gave him the " opportunity" to open up. And I am sure it felt much better to him, than talking about his favourite football team. Just a thought...

[@landrew1385]

Mauro Modica Definitely agree. I lost a parent when I was 17 and had to suffer through about a million of these kinds of conversations. Yes, you miss them. Yes, it was hard. But you probing me about how they died or what I went through is not comforting. He clearly doesn't want to talk about it and it's not her job to make him feel vulnerable. His mother's death isn't his whole life and he wants to express other things that are happening. That's how you move on. If your friends are constantly bringing it up you need to tell them to back the fuck off and stop doing that.

[@bolivar1789]

Hello Laura. I am very sorry to hear that. I have lost a parent too. You say he didn't want to talk about it. But he brought the subject though. I mean if he didn't want to talk about it at all, he probably wouldn't have mentioned it. But I may be wrong of course...

[@anxietyebriety6553]

I believe you need to be "in the situation" to be able to feel it out. I wouldn't take this as a direct guide or anything. Live action conversation honestly can go anywhere.

[@morbid1.]

I'm really really bad at conversations... talking in general is one of my many flaws. I always found a someone who was good at talking so I kept quiet...

[@SandraShani1]

Jak widzisz, nie jesteś sam. As you can see, you're not alone. ;)

[@nitinpandita1389]

Well you are introvert then, i reckon

[@dickiewongtk]

Why say anything if you have nothing to say?

[@taupesky32]

@@dickiewongtk that’s what awkward people say haha

[@spillthechaa]

@@dickiewongtk Agree. It is much more ok to just listen instead of forcing yourself to respond just to make the conversation going.

[@nuljeon]

I love how this comment section is just one big therapy session

[@thegoodwillchannel]

i love your analogy.

[@Ontariokelley]

🐅

[@lakshyamongia3270]

This seems to be the most competitive civilised comment section on KZbin, I mean people use complete words, no abbreviations, no slangs, proper punctuation, cool.

[@cynthiajohnson9412]

Wow, I have been noticing that SOL videos seem to have shifted towards focus on emotional intelligence. It's nice to hear Alain voice a sort of commitment to it. I think that's a wise path toward making the world a better place. People are starving for emotional connection and that it leads to so many other problems. Like, for instance, the comment sections under videos on KZbin where people try to connect through anger. Not good. Bad path for society. Much better to work on positive, nourishing, healthy connections. Thanks Alain!!

[@Ronakvevo]

This new shift is what made me resubscribe to them because it's relatable to everyone regardless of background

[@kristoffersjboden5313]

You got a point right there. Some years ago, i was an immature angry boy who wanted to show my feelings to the rest of the world and connect through anger and hate. Even if i accomplished it, i kept feeling terrible because i was too scared to say something wrong amongst my group of "friends". Then, as i was longing for people who would accept me for who i really was, i abandoned that group and tried to make friends by love and acceptance, and that went pretty awesome! I could tell my opinions and feelings to them, no matter if they agreed or disagreed with me, without being harassed and shamed for it. From that time, i knew these were my real friends, and i felt satisfied, happy, and accepted, as i always wanted to be.

[@jbillson]

I find being vunerable and self-deprecating to most people, they see this as a weakness rather than connecting with me on a spiritual level. Maybe it's to hide their own insecurities by picking on mine. I feel if someone was, honest, vunerable and self-deprecating to me I would connect with them instantly. Although I understand most people don't want to do this. What I think I'm trying to say is, I really connect with honest people.

[@elky360]

jbillson I think there is a difference between being vulnerable and self deprecating. The former is a strength, and the latter is a weakness (almost self harm).

[@RialuCaos]

Well, they are called "vulnerabilities" for a reason. They can be used as a weapon against you, or as a chance to become closer to you. People learn to not expose their vulnerabilities out of fear of the former.

[@jbillson]

仮面 fair comment

[@marco_marvelous]

When you expose your weaknesses, try doing it in a funny way. Like if you're in a very dark room, something like "it's so dark in here wtf. Meh. Still brighter than my future."

[@mach9713]

you are so me ^

[@ZombieDragQueen]

It depends on your definition of "good conversation". Some want a deeper interpersonal connection, some want to discover new ideas and opinions and some just want to pass the time. For all of these if they achive it they count it as a "good" conversation. P.S.: Also, you can only talk about the London Underground factually. In contrast you can only talk about the New York subway system in emphatic emotional tones which can and often include swearing.

[@bobstone3386]

Stefan B. Yeah you have to know if you're talking to a feeler, thinker, or a comedian. Women tend to be feelers, older guys tend to be thinkers, and younger guys tend to be comedians.

[@SmallBobby]

@@bobstone3386 younger girls are all of the above.

[@gigigem5631]

@@SmallBobby agreed

[@sharonchoong4678]

It could be because the Thinker or Comedian do not know what they feel or do not want to go down that rabbit holes that's why they speak as the language of Thinker and Comedian

[@michaelpeterson8843]

Conversation is a dance and each of us is our own choreographer. We move with cautious steps toward or away from those with whom we dance. The goal isn’t always deep involvement or heartfelt expression. Frivolous and light is still enjoyable and worthy. When the energy is there and two choreographies work well then we can take the dive into intimacy.

[@strangestgirlintown]

lovely put!

[@twyfv]

so beautifully put!

[@degetei5287]

Anyone interested in Self Improvement?

[@cup_check_official]

no thanks i like my self destructive personality

[@calmcall2763]

I think the fact people are on this channel is because they have an interest in self-improvement and human psychology even if that interest is small.

[@missmonke8706]

Many things in my life impact me in a negative way, so I might as well do something about them if I can.

[@degetei5287]

I am glad to hear that, remember, tough times make tough people

[@lukeferrell9800]

Personally, I think that people who strive to improve themselves are the best kind of people. They're always having new feelings and finding nuance in everyday life. That's the type of person who never gets boring, the force themselves to grow.

[@gigglysamentz2021]

The boring conversations were written and acted sooooo well ! :'D

[@android9443]

School of Life treats topics that could be quite confronting or challenging in such a gentle, honest, non judgemental way. It's so refreshing

[@GenJotsu]

Its tough when all the same aged people around you are still too immature to talk about things *other* than superficial matters. Superficial can be more fun of course, but it can be suffocating.

[@xzonia1]

So true! This sort of conversation is actively discouraged in the U.S. At work we have to keep things superficial or literally get in trouble. I've lost most of my friends over the years, and don't see the others in person any more. The only time I ever sit down and chat with others in person these days is when I visit family, and they generally talk about anything other than emotions. I only have two online friends that I ever have real conversations with. If it wasn't for them, I'd starve for emotional discussions.

[@FelonyArson]

+JoKing One can tell themselfs that it's fun... But it's mainly suffocating

[@user-tu8ti6sr1r]

JoKing Suffocating is the perfect word to describe this situation.

[@mavsworld1733]

I have plenty of good emotional conversations with people varying from 3 to 80. I would suggest that instead of blaming those around you, you look at your own behaviour.

[@moewyngaard7191]

preach

[@mephistophelesthesilentchi3446]

Being able to take charge and be aware of the conversational topic and flow, is imperative. But I think patience is what's most essential. We all crave deep conversation, but putting the feelings of others before ones own, not being frustrated to go through the motions of small talk and not being afraid to try and practice, is what reveals the true purpose of deep conversation: Building and sustaining relationships.

[@bodnotbod]

"I'm inviting some friends I haven't seen since uni." "God, what's that.. like, ten, twelve years?" "WHAT!? Get out of my flat now, I'm only 24! Jesus!"

[@bayramcigel8121]

Like saying that "You are so old." LOL

[@misterscorpius1446]

Maybe they just think that highly of you.

[@Rachaelshaw7]

hahaha

[@Profile.4]

She's like 30

[@badidea6034]

😂😂😂😂

[@alananderson007008]

Well... With some people I can just talk and the conversation flows really natural, but with others i get tired because I have to stay thinking about what I will talk next just to be cool. I hate that. But i m realizing that everyday i get more dificult to have deeply connections, and I miss that. Its so sad :(

[@janaangelavillaluz]

Michael De Santa especially when you _want_ to have a good convo with someone and u feel like u Can but just nothing comes to mind?¿

[@alananderson007008]

Hahaha Happens with me all the time

[@noirlime5801]

Same here :/

[@spillthechaa]

It's like you need to impress them or you don't want to make things awkward. But when it comes to your people, you can joke around or not even respond because you know they know you already.

[@A1N0K39]

"vulnerability is what makes friendships". my god this is the reason why I don't feel like I have friends. I have too much pride to share with someone my weaknesses and insecurities. I'm just a superficial person making superficial conversation to anyone. Insight gained.

[@tworfling]

Oh my god it's insane just how enlightening this video is. I've always done the first surface route and I always wondered why none of the conversations I had were satisfying. When you showed the other route it was like a whole new perspective was being shown to me and I couldn't believe how more natural and interesting the conversation got. Thank you for this!!!

[@WILD__THINGS]

This video was so well done and I agree with it very much. I'm never one for small talk or surface level conversation. I love diving deep. However when I entice someone else to open up and display their vulnerabilities I often then feel responsible for somehow offering a solution or finding a positive twist to put on it which is usually not possible. That leaves me feeling guilty for making them feel bad. It's as if I tore off their bandage, poked around the wound a bit and then left it open and exposed. "Oh great, look what I've gone and done now". When it comes to my own vulnerabilities, I actually welcome the chance to discuss them but there's always something in the back of my mind telling me I am making myself look weak or inferior to the other person.

[@zpak8050]

Yes exactly the same feeling. And this video helped me a lot just now

[@a-what2483]

3:39 "Good listeners are like good editors - trimming away what's superfluous, trying gently to get the speaker to focus on what's really at stake." 5:06 "Strength may be impressive, but it's vulnerability that builds friendships."

[@allwaysbegreatful]

"Good listeners are like good editors" best information I've heard this entire week. THANK YOU.

[@akhlakmirza2051]

same here😊

[@j-l8520]

"good listeners are like good editors"

[@akhlakmirza2051]

best line🔥

[@joppekim]

People usually gravitate towards me and i might have figured out why. I wonder about a lot of things. I ask people about things, even things i already know the answer to, i do it to connect with them, always asks questions ever since i was a kid, and some times i actually learn something. I just figured out that people love answering questions, it makes them feel worthy, and have knowledge. I know that many people know things i don't, so i always ask out of curiosity, and i listen to the answer, remembering the answer, and improve myself as a part of it, sometimes quote the answer back to them and say stuff like ''Ahh, that makes sense now, i didn't know that'' So i think the key is to be genuine, and speak the truth, and wonder about things around you, try to learn, everyone knows something you don't.

[@unbr34k4bl3]

I think that one conversation where she keeps prying about his dead mother is not how one should conduct something like that. If you are alone then yes, but in a group you are showing their vulnerabilities without their consent. It seems obvious that he wanted to switch subjects quickly because the death of his mother is not something that he wants to talk about in this setting....keeping him on that is just cruel and unnecessary. The other example was way better (not going for shallow questions but deeper ones). That was horrible advice, I expect better from you guys

[@sheepnoisebah]

i guess he could just say he doesn't want to talk about it? but i felt the same way you did.

[@alban.dano.93]

Idk why people seem to miss the point of these lessons. The video is just an illustration. It is not telling you to pry into someone in front of everyone. It is not supposed to be taken literally.

[@unbr34k4bl3]

+Alban Dano I get what you're saying but it's a bad illustration/example then. It undermines the whole point they try to make.

[@eus9]

Alban Dano It's not just an illustration devoid of meaning though; it is didactic and while the overall teachings were good, that part was a poor example.

[@-anaamna5616]

unbr34k4bl3 ya I felt uncomfortable when she went back to it with the second question. maybe he is avoiding it on purpose. why force him to talk about it. if he wants to open up he will when feels to like it.

[@TypicallyUniqueOfficial]

I think also it depends on the level of comfortability we have with someone before we start trying to dig deeper. It's extremely contextual. I wouldn't push to know more details of a person's feelings about their mother's passing (as per the video) in the first couple conversations. It's like a give and take, as well as timing. So for example, if I am trying to get deeper into the layer of a person's life (surface/subsurface) I will reveal a "secret" or "private fact" about myself. This usually makes the other person more comfortable with us, and in turn they usually will feel more comfortable to tell you a more deep conversation thread. Some people it takes 1 conversation, others it may take months, however, this video is fairly basic in talking about comfortability and connection in regards to being able to have a deeper conversation that's more emotional. They are indeed what makes us closer to people.

[@coldgrunter4753]

I've been away with people this weekend and this video describes my experience perfectly. The weekend was ok, but I wasn't able to really connect with anybody. Thank you for helping me understand my struggles!

[@avallach2061]

"That's what connects us. Strength may be impressive, but it's vulnerability that builds friendships." Beautiful, made me think a lot, thanks.

[@Testing725]

"my mom died" yeah I'm trying to change the subject but you know... keep harping on it..............

[@fazendeirocapoeira]

i laughed out loud at that, its is like, bitch let it go, cant you see i dont want to talk about this?

[@jcsjapan]

That's precisely the point of the video, though. By avoiding vulnerable and emotional conversation, we tend to just talk about the same ol' everyday talk. In a sense, it's a lot easier to avoid difficult subject matter, but by not diving in and opening up, you aren't inviting your family or friends into your life. How can people know how to better connect with you if you aren't sharing what's actually going on in your heart and mind? Keeping it all to yourself doesn't help you, and that was where they were going. Some times a good friend is the one who asks the hard questions and gets the conversation moving forward.

[@frankdrebin7949]

That's true, it can be seen as rude. They just wanted to highlight the fact that not getting offended and answering the question builds up a friendship instead of breaking it apart.

[@Ice.muffin]

+Jason Capp You cannot imagine how glad I feel when I come across someone who *does* understand, finally!

[@ALiJ4LIFE]

True! Reminds me of Downey Jr's interview with Krishnanmurty when Krishnan just wouldn't stop asking Downey about his past. Exposing other's weakness is a trick business.

[@connordalton646]

This video made me cry. Like, when he said, "I just miss my mum." Beautiful.

[@thelux8539]

I keep coming back to this video every few months. It's good to know how I can form some really intriguing conversations

[@RiazMeghji]

The conversational crossroads is a great point. They pop up everywhere. This shows us the power of listening and digging deep with our questions to get to that level of intimacy.

[@samreplete1842]

" Our sorrows of life have echoes on others" loved this line. Mr Alan really writes well and I can sensibility relate to what he is saying here. His writing is so simple and tune into the feelings of everyday life kept into words that creates a pondering of surrounding and self. No wonder with all of his flaws he is still the mastery of this beautiful school.

[@cavv0667]

The School Of Life, I believe that you have your own opinion but, for me, I've found extreme satisfaction in conversations where the subjects do move about... in a very organic way. Feelings aren't the only way to connect with others; I understand where your stance lies but I haven't found that as the sole truth. Understanding others' thoughts and their reasoning behind them is just as valid a way of connecting with them as with sharing raw feelings.

[@kevintort4257]

Feelings make connections ! When you talk to someone go over facts and make others express what they feel about something. Great video !

[@charcoalanderson8010]

Well and truly 🤯 for me. I can't wait to try this

[@Fluxquark]

I think the hallmark of a good conversation is that you can't reconstruct how it moved from subject to subject because there where so many new directions it moved into. This is only possible in organic, natural conversations where both participants are going with the flow and freely speaking their mind.

[@AspiringAbogado]

"ayyyy lmao fam dat lit af u trippin tho" -How actual conversations go

[@Morphick]

This makes me feel hopeful that I can learn how to connect with people more deeply by sharing my vulnerabilities. Thank you for these beautiful teachings, TSOL.

[@Conorp77]

'It's just so stupid!' That guy is me lol

[@cup_check_official]

thats all fine but sometimes the OTHER person doesnt know how to have a good convo and then no matter what you do you have to think about minecraft to keep yourself entertained

[@zchan9842]

Tell Me This iii

[@sansamman4619]

I never have those calm conversations, the real annoying thing is when you want to talk about something you love but no one loves it!

[@cup_check_official]

But sometimes the other persons loves the thing that you love to talk about and thats the best thing ever :)

[@Shunarjuna]

You just have to put a red stone torch one of the blocks and connect it to the other side with some red stone dust…

[@djuraster]

how is blaming others helping you?

[@sherlockholmes3302]

I wish people at my college watched these videos, they would all be so much nicer!

[@AwesomeCandy244]

I swear I value my youth so much. It's just so easy to never end up with a stale conversation when you're kicking it with a group of pals at my age.

[@alexarihani2902]

If you could watch a video of conversations you had five years ago do you think you’d find it interesting to listen to?

[@empathylessons2267]

I always wanna talk about deep existentialist topics, it gets overwhelming for people lol EDIT: Not because they can't *handle* it. Rather simply because people make the choice of happiness over knowledge. And I can't blame them. But I do hope to persuade them to choose otherwise.

[@reob12]

Empathy Lessons same, but it generally don't seem a topic people want to talk about

[@empathylessons2267]

Exactly. People love small talk and for the life of me I don't know why. It's almost as if they are scared of understanding themselves..

[@kurasai6009]

Empathy Lessons i hate small talk, something i hate to sit through, vut it made it hard for me to make more friends

[@empathylessons2267]

Trooder 1st I find that fewer, better friends, is better anyways :)

[@hgzmatt]

that is so true.. I like to discuss all kinds of things as deep as it gets.. but most people just shut off after 5 seconds never allowing for it to happen.. as if they can't be bothered to spend time talking to you other than the meaningless fluff that is smalltalk small talk is the true waste of time.. because you'll never truly connect to anybody

[@anewloveofficial9137]

Compassion is something I need to incorporate in learning the art of having a good conversation. I agree that no matter how successful you are as a person, you really don't need to show it off on their faces because in that way you can't connect to your listener and connection is one of the main goal in order to achieve a good conversation.

[@elijahragland8498]

Lowkey been looking for advice on this channel about being too vulnerable, if that's a thing? Oversensitivity? Being too intimate? Like, why do I do that with the partners I've had? It hard to balance between being a soppy cry baby but a warmly loving mess and a cold and distant lover but level-headed thinker.

[@elijahragland8498]

I mean, I guess I've found a lot of bit and pieces of good information here but I still would like to see something that addresses it more directly.

[@juliz2500]

Have you heard of HSP? Highly Sensitive People?

[@elijahragland8498]

Juliz hmm. No. Interesting concept from why Ive gleaned on it just now over the Internet. I dunno if I would categorize that way but I feel as though I might fit. Just the other day I was having trouble trying not to pout at work because of the tiny little things my coworkers would say.

[@dddux]

The great problem is people don't have enough empathy these days. All they want to talk about or hear about is about their selfish goals. Nobody cares about other's accomplishments. Those will actually enrage them or depress them. Why are people being so violent to each other? Lack of empathy. True love, in a sense. If you love somebody, you won't make him/her feel down or less worth than yourself. You're doing some great work here Mr. Alain De Botton. Thank you.

[@LoveAndPeaceOccurs]

I agree there is too little empathy ... and that many only want to talk about themselves (much better than talking about someone else) BUT ... It is not true that "Nobody cares about others accomplishments" ... in fact some of us love to hear about the accomplishments of those we Love ...maybe not from someone we barely know. Some people are actually taught to speak of their accomplishments in the "getting to know you phase" (they consider it similar to an interview) and/or think that because when a Loved one tells us to tell them about everything it is the same when someone just getting to know you ...it's not ... conversations are complex and no one can make hard and strict rules for conversation but they can be so rewarding when you find someone who loves listening to you as much as you love listening to them and you can go as deep as you want knowing they can and will follow.

[@TheCharismaAcademy]

This video was great - going to try rapeseed oil, flavour revolution

[@businessmastery8748]

I prefer macadamia personally

[@businessmastery8748]

but I'm cheap

[@TheCharismaAcademy]

haha I'll add that to the list also

[@dedpxl]

what a funny comment to scroll down onto after finishing the video.

[@thebigwarthog]

Canola oil FTW

[@flufflepuffle]

I have Asperger's which was diagnosed very late in life, so these videos are helpful to provide perspective, and help me work on my people skills.

[@atiqahdiyana5665]

OK. here's the thing though. I'm good at starting conversations. I've always been an awkward, socially anxious, weird little child. so I had to learn how to socialise and have proper, genuine conversations and they're easy enough but what if the other person is the one that's not trying? what about in situations, where people already have a certain perspective of you and try as you might you can't seem to break through that perspective. how do I go about having proper conversations with them?

[@charcoalanderson8010]

I swear such a simple concept has completely changed my life. Those who ask about Facts vs. Feelings. I've been a Facts or 'Surface' question person my whole life and never understood small talk or creating bonds with others through conversation but with this one simple understanding I now feel equipped to talk to just about anyone. I often half listen to YT videos while doing other stuff but these videos I always make sure to take in every word and I usually come away with immense positive changes in mindset.

[@nachaninsirikron-eisthv4514]

I am a big fan of School Of Life, and recently I notice that School Of Life had adapt live-action instead of pure animation in their film. My point is these "live-action" make it harder for me to comprehend the topic. School Of Life film used to make me feel more like reading a book, due to unrealistic animation; the viewer are the one who connect the film to their own life, but now the "actor" pin my creativity and stop my memory to influence to the learning experience. P.S I still really LOVE this film, carefully crafted like before.@schooloflife

[@dayanaralopez-cordova556]

Nachanin Sirikron-eisthv I agree with you regarding the personal imagination an individual can add while watching the animations. it also threw me a bit off guard watching SOL live action (first live action vid I've seen from them), but after watching the video, given the topic, I see why they did it. Simply because it would've been difficult to exemplify the conversation and body language had been animated.

[@cruisingmimi9319]

We talk about facts not feelings...true and deep. Conversation is an ART. Quote...” vulnerability builds friendships “.

[@artivism4068]

This is me 100%. It really is an artform. I always gently steer conversations to what matters most to that person and that's when you get heartfelt honesty and thats how you learn about people. I want to develop myself into the greatest interviewer the world has ever seen. Maybe someday Ill be able to interview Donald Trump haha

[@ravirajyaguru5905]

Jason Guzman Teach me master!

[@MasterAppels]

That's the thing a lot of interviewers/hosts don't have, especially amateurs doing it on KZbin or podcasts. It (steering conversation) is particularly important when there's more than one person with you in the conversation.

[@artivism4068]

How would you like me to teach you? You have facebook?

[@ravirajyaguru5905]

Yes. _lh3.googleusercontent.com/_696ufXNxki8IXSsRtHsr-bweY7q6OA8R1uOwZxfjSOW2KV9GOsFfX7yd2Joo652XOXi5ygUcA_

[@artivism4068]

?? it said error. i thought you were going to link me to your facebook profile.

[@tre-moon-dous6122]

it makes a lot of sense about "people like when we show vulnerability" explains why i know some people get along really well when they complaint a lot to each other about their lives

[@melissaCgreenwood]

Your content should be a mandatory class in schools. Maybe then we'd more civil to each other and less miserable. We are given rules in life, but never taught how to follow them, so a lot of us get things wrong. Thank you and keep up the good work.

[@pleiadeshaveset]

I won't say I'm bad at interacting with others, but when it comes down to deep talking about each other's feelings, I am no good, and thus I feel really bad for not being able to help a friend that goes through hell. I guess this video has helped me in a way, but the video I'm looking forward to is how can I help my friends. Thanks for posting!

[@mikoparolanto]

Speak it in Esperanto with your international friends.

[@craighamaimbo844]

I was hurt but am beginning to heal at 35, I fill it's when am beginning to be reparented but I need to parent my son, thank you the school of life.

[@octane2344]

convos don't have to be heavy all the time. and they don't have to be shallow entertainment. A lot of times entertaining someone helps them to open up and feel safe with sharing their feelings. when they do open up, we have to be non-judgmental and demonstrate acceptance. if possible, help that person to celebrate life through the midst of pain and heartache.

[@comdrive3865]

You know what. I made the most friends when i was just myself younger in school. now I've gone down this path where I try to look good and impress people but I've lost sight of what makes a good friend. Being vulnerable and real. Being a good friend requires sacrifice and willingness to listen and understand and share what the other person goes through. This video makes that point so well

[@ironlung8780]

I only have good conversations with animals

[@-anaamna5616]

Iron Lung I only have good convos with kids haha

[@beggerstager]

Iron Lung dogs are good listeners. cats on the other hand sometimes dgaf about you lol

[@arduh]

I got bacterias

[@morgangreen2526]

This channel really lives up to its name. I always come to these types of videos in order to learn how to be a more complete interactive person. I just love the way that you all put so much effort in making the videos digestable, even for people in a hurry. Thank you.

[@TheMarcus423]

Wow! Thank you for this video! I've been thinking exactly about that, the difference between superficial conversations and meaningful ones, and how to to have more of the second type... I usually love your videos, but I would particularly appreciate more videos on this subject :D Keep up the good work, you guys are amazing!

[@zpak8050]

Yes exactly!

[@gabrielcapote4157]

I struggle a lot when it comes to have a conversation with someone new. These tips are awesome actually.

[@almatsailaukhan9181]

is there a way to have a good conversation without negativity? loss, fear, anxiety, depression, abandonment ain't exactly the most fun topics.

[@konijntjewiebel4842]

Honosty the biggest difference I found in good friends is that they were truley happy for me when something good happened (while the old ones reacted a lot more neutral or even negative, which made me a lot less happy). It is a nice thing to share your (honost) happiness and show people how good things can be (even if it might mean that they feel slightly sad because they realize they are not as happy in that moment. This feeling might even have them change their situation to be more happy as well) Off course be carefull and considerate with sharing strong emotions (especially around very insecure or depressed people.) Also to try to be happy for other people, even if you are not that happy yourself (instead of jealousy). Try to raise their happiness even more and share it. When you see you can raise their happiness you might even feel a bit more happy yourself (for something you didn't even do). Of course you should share your problems, sadness, madness and other emotions as well, just be honost with how you feel and make clear if you can deal with it or if you want help or reassurance. I just talked about happiness since this video seemed a bit negative around sharing happiness (but I could have understood that wrongly)

[@fineline392]

Sir, I have a suggestion. The real life video aspect that you include now is great but I believe that inserting one gives the viewer a very unnecessarily specific view of what the situation must be in which to follow your advice. On the contrary, the simple yet interesting animations makes you have a broader perspective on the situation being faced. This is certainly what the viewer would want in such inspiring video content.

[@breannathompson9094]

Now that I think about it my favorite conversations are when you explain how you feel and the other person agrees fully and can add more valuable input with better feelings.

[@LuizFelipe-lk1hs]

Is it really a safe step to keep bringing up the subject about that guy's parents' divorce and his mum dying a few months later? Sometimes people just let information slip, they don't necessarily want to talk about it, that's why he changed the subject twice

[@jackdiamond9387]

Vulnerability being important in conversation and becoming likable is a good insight

[@sansamman4619]

when you want to talk about quantum physics or the square root of -1 with your family ...

[@1999arjan]

Kenan Krakovic I see what you did there.

[@hendrixigancio2591]

san kitty That's complex

[@SplitSniper7]

I'm embarrassed how hard I laughed at this.

[@catvalentine4317]

san kitty I'm glad I have my brother for that ^^

[@iyxon]

san kitty wow youre so cool that some engaging convo there

[@sobrevida157]

In de Botton's book The Romantic Movement, there is this very clever section of opposing tree diagrams. One one page, the listener responds with thoughtful rejoinders and clarifying, expanding questions. On the other, the listener responds with reductive mansplanations and unrelated questions that lead to disconnection. It's in the chapter Who Do You Allow Me to Be, with the over-arching theme that other people allow us to be different people, and we are naturally drawn to those who bring out the parts of ourselves for which we wish to be seen.

[@Lukas-kh5gu]

To put it in a nutshell: Focus on your feelings instead of listing endless facts. Be honest and don't be apprehensive of showing vulnerability here and there. Sort out unnecessary info that might only cover up what lies beneath and ask specifically for it.

[@gessamonte]

Sometimes we don't need to understand everything... we just need to listen.

[@von1145]

I could have used this video 30 minutes ago when I had nothing to say to this really cute girl, thanks school of life not being 1 hour earlier

[@richardaversa7128]

this video was so helpful. when you have the time, can you please make more videos like this, focusing on example conversations and how to take advantage of the "crossroads" to really connect with people? thank you!

[@ruiarruda7807]

"yeah cause I'm really a big fan of Manchester United and..." "no wait, so your mom passed away, right? Like, that's so tragic. Horrible. Go back to that now."

[@shannenlibres2365]

Ahahahaha true I got a weird vibe from that

[@liatnoten3762]

One thing I always avoid is asking people what their job is. In many cases it's something they're not that excited or just neutral about. I love asking people what they love to do, what they would do if they could do anything. It's so cool to see people light up when they answer!

[@meinungabundance7696]

And may be we should also work on this: how to love people who dont show themselves vulnerable? If we are not capable of doing this, this also shows OUR big deficit.

[@oaktadopbok665]

The best part of any conversation is "goodbye."

[@GoatTHEGreat]

Do you record in a booth? The narrator's voice quality is absolutely perfect.

[@SuperAussm]

As someone who talks feelings and not facts, I find it rather difficult to have a conversation, because I don't care about the surface, bland, boring conservation. I want to know you, not the shitty false you people like to create. I'm really happy you uploaded this.

[@SwiftestGamer]

Hmm...I suppose this is what I had been lacking. I'll try this out, seems very plausible that I'd been despising superficiality while being superficial myself.

[@NESherv]

So glad to see Dr. Hannah Roxburgh back in your videos, The School of Life. The videos she hosted and narrated a few years ago were some of the best you have made, and her presence has been very much missed in your videos since. She has a rare brand of peaceful charisma, deep knowledge and understanding, and disarming presentation. As a viewer, I feel she fits right into The School of Life's videos.

[@saladinthedark7459]

4:12. Guy: ... my team lost a few matches but... Girl: Hold up man. Tell me about your dead mother

[@ClarenceEwing]

I love School of Life, but I'm going the other direction on this one. The only thing worse than not connecting with someone is someone OVER-sharing themselves, especially someone who is more an acquaintance than personal friend. The art of Small Talk has become so devalued it's automatically a negative. But the person who is skilled at social conversation possesses a special trait. It's all about knowing your audience...!

[@Y2Kvids]

We have Conversations in the Comment section. It is just wonderful.

[@amg0788]

I rather talk to people one on one then in groups. I feel more connected and comfortable and like I'm able to open up. Talking about surface subjects is okay to open up a conversation but it feels superficial. Talking about our feelings and experiences is fulfilling.

[@dank_memes_101]

HOLY TIMING I NEED THIS NOW

[@vaniapang6]

you can have a meaningful connection on a surface level. like when you are just bantering and joking with your friends, youre not talking about something super deep but there is a connection and energy that is being created by the people involved. i find i actually am bad at surface communication. even the kind i stated above. and i often use deep conversation as a crutch for feeling awkward or uncomfortable. but its coming from a place of insecurity and anxiety because i lack self-esteem when it comes to interacting on the surface. i think its important to be able to curate and maintain both surface and deep communication and have them both be meaningful. its all about striking a balance in your life.

[@ThecrazyJH96]

With each generation being more enveloped with technology, you can literally tell that each generation is getting worse with conversations and more socially awkward lol

[@DeathYear2012]

Joseph Harding Simon Sinek had a great look into phone addiction. With dopamine addiction, finding that pleasure in each like and viral acceptance without building real connections between two people. Instant gratification is an uphill battle, but we've all got something to conquer.

[@lorrainewilliams7896]

Yet no one in this video was on their phone...

[@kurt4061]

@@DeathYear2012 I saw that. I loved that speech.

[@Zelinity]

These guys are reinvinting education on a more socio-philosophical level and somewhere whereas our current educational curriculums seems to be lacking. (U.S.)

[@palaksharma5078]

school of life, i love you.

[@aiyaaayei]

This actually makes me think deeply about all the conversations I have with my friends, especially two friends that I have somewhat similar hobbies with but find it terribly hard to keep a conversation going. It just feels as if there's a border between us that won't allow us to go over. I really hate that THAT is the reason in which I don't know much about them; but this video just might help me overcome those borders.

[@leytpdipooperman8733]

Me: “Where’s that dude, I wanna hear that dude” *That dude starts speaking ten seconds later* Me: “Nice”

[@silvianajones4421]

this makes me feel better, i thought that only my group of friends has surface level conversations although we have known each other for 3 years