The "Shadow": What made me realize I am male

[@johnathanfeldhouse3956]

What really sets your transition videos apart from the others is the way you analyze and explain your transness. Many trans KZbinrs don't go into very much detail at all, usually leaving it to the viewer to draw their own assumptions and conclusions. I appreciate the way that you go out of your way to really take a closer look at your life and experiences to explain. And I can tell that you're not really analyzing yourself for the viewers so much as for yourself, so that you may understand yourself better. We can all understand ourselves better, but you make a conscious effort to do it. I really appreciate that about your videos. You make your videos for yourself.

[@TheSLOfox]

Thank you for that nice comment. :) The kind of thoughts I share in my videos are just what I felt the need to hear from others, back when I wasn't sure if I should transition, so it feels good to be able to articulate my realizations and share them with others who might currently be in the spot I was a few years ago.

[@foreverwantingpie]

As far as the brain trying to protect you I feel that happened to me too. I identified as nonbinary for like 2 years and I think this was partially to protect me. I'd be less hurt by being misgendered, I'd be less hurt by being forced to present femininely as a nonbinary person than a trans man. I think I was pulling away the layers of my assigned gender and I was getting too close to my true self, so my brain started protecting me and stopped peeling the layers away.

[@jacenelson4125]

I can completely relate! It has taken me 46 years to get here - to have the realization and acceptance that I am male and am beginning my transition. I am almost 2 weeks on T. The only bad part of all this is that I am going to lose my relationship with the love of my life, and wife of 13 years, because she is not interested with being with a man. She is a lesbian. My heart is breaking...... All the best to you Allen, and I really appreciate all you share!!!

[@deannacousin2339]

So very sorry your partner couldn't accept you.

[@retrovelcro]

"You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world goes on. Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers. Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again. Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting - over and over announcing your place in the family of things.” ― Mary Oliver

[@TheSLOfox]

One of my all-time favorite poems! It is certainly relevant here.

[@lesleygarvs4640]

I think you are a gentleman... You wait for the girl to give you a sign to go to the next level, in terms of intimacy... You re better than you think... I love your looks... Attractive and intelligent, and down to earth... I am glad you made it and are happy with your decisions... Happy christmas time! 🎄🎄❤️

[@colin4707]

I relate so much! I was definitely a misandrist, and while I was always pretty masculine I always saw women as 'higher beings" for some reason. I also came to the conclusion that I was repressing my shadow self, I have a psych degree and have read many of Jung's works. Now I have found my true self, and identify as a non-binary transman.

[@juliaflyte6817]

I had that exact shadow (more sad than aggression towards men, but the resentment I totally get.)

[@TheSLOfox]

Interesting! Thanks for sharing that.

[@DangerDonut]

This was a fantastic video. Thank you for taking the time to share this. I've definitely felt the male bitterness thing, which caused me to only be attracted to women for a long time despite the fact that I am actually bisexual. When I was living as female, I wanted nothing to do with men, not even my guy friends who I knew were good people. I thought all men were inherently evil and that stopped me from wanting to transition for a while. Even after I realized I was trans, I felt a lot of guilt. I felt gross, even. Your video from 6 years ago about male guilt was actually really helpful for me coming around. I am starting to feel empowered, not necessarily by my masculinity, but by being in touch with my "spirit" as you call it, which is inherently masculine for me. I am extremely happy to hear that T makes you feel more in touch with your spirit. That is what I am hoping for as well. I'm at the point where estrogen is making me feel a bit crazy, especially when my time of the month rolls around. It just feels so... not me. With any luck, I'll be able to start T within a few months. Thanks for continuing to make videos. They are indescribably helpful for me and my transition, and I know many other trans guys feel the same way.

[@TheSLOfox]

Thanks for sharing that. I wonder if your experience with sexual orientation and shutting guys out, but then later realizing you're bisexual, might explain part of why some guys "turn gay" or get with men for the first time, after starting transition. I totally think that "phenomenon" is due to trans guys feeling more at peace and just more open to other types of people, due to being able to let go of jealousy or feeling more comfortable in their bodies. That's so awesome that you're feeling more empowered.

[@EarlCornbread]

This is my favorite video on the topic of being trans. Wow. Thank you for sharing your insights and clarity and thank you for explaining the discomfort and denial that can come with coming to terms with who we are. I relate. Infinity. I love the idea of the shadow and have worked with my shadow with various amounts of awareness for years. I’ve thought too much about perversity and guilt verses deeply accepting and finding the strength in who I am. I’ll never forget the disgust my mother exhibited when she witnessed what would became my shadow self - the boy in me, then worse, the man. When my mother accused me of being mannish it seemed the vilest word that could cross her lady lips. I internalized that hatred and it became transphobia and self-hatred keeping me from transitioning and admitting my gender is male. Not something monstrous but something that gave you life … YES!! Me, too. Animal part and the spirit part - those are male. Yep. Deeply male in a primal way … Right! I clicked with the idea the shadow self as that self that is essential and the part that ultimately lead you to knowing you needed to transition. It did me, too. Thank you for giving me clarity with a topic that’s enormously important to me. The way you described how a testosterone fueled body is more fitting and the analogies that follow are both illuminating and amusing, good sir. ;) You sound like a sled dog to me. Thank you, Allen

[@TheSLOfox]

Thanks for that, Earl! That's cool that you can relate so much. One thing I like about making videos is that I get to hear from so many people and am surprised about how many others have had similar feelings or experiences as mine, even though I don't totally have the "traditional trans narrative." I'm so glad that you seem to have gotten past self-hatred! Awesome. I love your determination and your clear sense of yourself.

[@quasi8180]

Its the same thought i had when some randos mistook me as a boy online. At first i was enraged then it got me thinking.

[@quasi8180]

@@TheSLOfox i tend to do a lot of male voices when im doing impressions on my channel. I think it helps the dysphoria sometimes problem is my voice sounds higher on camera than it does in person which is pretty annoying.

[@veggiebr0th]

you are really handsome! i just watched your video "how i did NOT know i was trans" and it hit me hard. all the stories of "oh i knew when i was little" make me feel terrible because i dont have almost any memories of childhood. im basing my transness on things that are current and ongoing and its annoying to me because it doesnt feel as based as what others tell. i feel im less of the man i want to be

[@TheSLOfox]

Thank you! I'm so glad you could relate to that video you mentioned. It makes sense to base your understanding of your identity on how you're feeling currently! You are not less of a man!

[@macktheknife3876]

Allen, so much of what you talk about in your videos has really helped me understand how I feel. I felt exaggeratedly grossed out by men before realizing that I am male, and have lately been feeling like I must be a perv because I want to transition. You're so good at explaining things, and I love seeing another trans man who is further along in his transition than I am. Thank you for making these videos!

[@TheSLOfox]

That's interesting that you've had such similar feelings to me! I always thought I was the only one who felt that way, so it's cool to hear that I'm not. Thanks for watching.

[@krozem45]

Allen! This is so parallel to my experience, I felt a physical sense of relief to hear this story. I also internalized the male body to be fundamentally aggressive/ not in tune with consent. Which made a very confusing road for me I wrote this is my go find me page for top surgery: It’s taken me a long time to get here. I always knew that I was a boy inside a girl’s body. However, by the time I had a name to call this experience, I had already been subject to the ugliness of sexism, and to the ways in which gender, race, and socio-economic status all support a society that condones oppression. Then, the question of “manhood” became more complicated. If I want to teach all children to be generous, aware, feminists, can I really be a man? I know now, after many years of self inquiry, meditation, therapy, and dialogue, that I have been a man and a feminist all along, and there is no separation or contradiction in my identity. I guess I have also been dealing with my shadow too.

[@TheSLOfox]

That's so awesome that my video resonated with you. Congrats on moving closer to top surgery! I totally agree with what you wrote there, that being a man and being a feminist are not at odds with each other. I'd also add that living as NOT your real self is probably not in the spirit of feminism! :) I'm so glad you have been sorting things out for yourself!

[@t-timewithartemis4174]

Thank you for putting this out here, in the way that you do. Specifically I wanted to share something in relation to your mention about how estrogen seemingly caused you to behave sexually. You said that before T, you tended to prefer things done to you, and that after T, you preferred to be the one doing things, so to speak. While I didnt have concrete proof, I suspected this very thing for myself... for more than a decade I was on birth control, and attempted to live as a straight female. It really screwed with my head that I could seemingly stomach the idea of being penetrated by a man during sex (especially during 'ovulation'), but that as the years went on I got more and more disgusted with myself for actually doing it- my body and my mind were completely out of sync. I decided to stop birth control and 2 weeks later, I felt like a veil had been lifted. I ended my straight relationship, and have been very happy with a woman ever since. Everytime I would try to tell a therapist or doctor about this twisted experience on birth control, they would tell me that it shouldn't have affected me like that, and I doubted myself for awhile as a result. I'll be starting my own channel soon, as I've slowly come to the realization that I would be more comfortable as a 'man', as I have always been a very naturally masculine energy at my core. My transition 'awakening'is coming slowly too, but each step feels better and better. Thank you again for sharing!

[@guiseofyouth]

Ahhhh this is so relatable! I've recently come to realize that it took me so long to get here - acknowledging I'm trans masculine - because I had so much contempt for male privilege combined with this innate jealousy of men that I never really realized I had (I misinterpreted it).

[@TheSLOfox]

Sounds like what I experienced, too! "Contempt for male privilege" is a good way of expressing it. I think I had that as well.

[@DistractANoodle]

Just wanted to say that your video is still providing value all these years later, thanks.

[@TheSLOfox]

I'm so glad! thanks so much for your comment.

[@BEli-nf1uq]

Thank you. Yes. I had a rage in me before I transitioned that I took out on men in my life as well as a jealousy that was consuming me. I thought men were everything that you mentioned in the video. I came to the realization that something was wrong through my sexual relations, specifically through my lack of a penis and an accompanying confusion as to where it had gone. Unfortunately I had a relationship go the opposite of yours where she rejected my masculinity and I ended up believing being trans would make me unlovable, so I hid it further and dressed female for her. Fortunately that's passed and I turned on the light in the room where I kept my shadow. I am 8months on t now, and you're entirely right about it being life giving. :) Ever thought about writing a book?

[@TheSLOfox]

That's so awful that a woman rejected you and it made you fearful. I understand it, though. I'm so glad you're past that and seem to be feeling good on T! haha, yeah, it's crossed my mind to try writing a book or something, especially since I teach reading and writing for a living. I don't know... I'm not sure how to approach doing that, and I'm also not sure how I feel about having super private things made public (more public than my KZbin). We'll see. :)

[@a.brennick6342]

You could edit the transcripts of your most popular videos and make each a chapter. You could definitely crank out a couple of useful books that way. :)

[@TLMarengo]

This is awesome. You are so articulate and clear, and so I can so relate to every single thing you said here. I'm pre-T and already transitioning on the inside. It is amazing! Thank you. I will be following you from now on. Great job.

[@TheSLOfox]

thank you!

[@lordmelon3295]

I love your channel so much. It’s just what I needed. No one talks about stuff this deeply and it’s nice to have someone to relate to. I’m 15 and have been out for 2 years as ftm but I still struggle to accept myself and not have anxiety over transitions even tho in my heart ik I need it. Your videos help alott

[@TheSLOfox]

Thank you, I'm glad to hear that. The early days of coming out as trans, whether to one's self or to others, can be full of anxiety and second-guessing yourself. Just don't give up, and try to keep following your gut feelings about your identity. Best wishes!

[@milesclay2209]

Thank you so much for analyzing how you figured out you were trans, especially for me who is someone who didn't figure out I was trans until my senior year of college. I had to work through so much shame and internalized transphobia, not to mention I grew up in a really abusive home. It's really nice to see someone who doesn't have the whole "I've always known" narrative that most people say. A lot of your feelings are similar to my own, I felt really depressed and numb because I coped with stuff by projecting and emotionally distancing/isolating myself.

[@heyitsivy770]

This is by far the best video about "knowing you're trans" that I have ever seen! thank you so much for putting the time into explaining your process. I relate very deeply to your experiences, almost exactly so, and it is really nice to have someone explain the feelings I couldn't. Once again, thank you for making this video!

[@TheSLOfox]

Thank you so much! I'm so glad you found it helpful.

[@bitterlemon3526]

Hi Allan. It's so strange because I had similar "shadow". When I was teenager I've had fantasy about "dirty sex" between man and woman ang very sophisticated, delicate fantasy about sex between two women. And then I realized that I have to integrate those two aspects in my mind. Many years ago I fall in love with heteroseksual women and it gave me chance to understand that this male energy is not "dirty" and that I have this energy in me and it's complementary to her energy. So I'm aware that part of myself is male but it' s not enough for me to transition like You. It's just part of my soul and I have connection with this part only sometimes. But I enjoy listen to your thoughts, I see a lot of similarity. Sorry for my english.

[@TheSLOfox]

Thanks for sharing that! People's energies being "complementary" is the perfect way of putting it.

[@bitterlemon3526]

Yes, it's better to feel and understand this complementary because otherwise we use alaskan husky to herd sheeps or use border collie or corgy in a slad dog team, it doesn't work;)

[@desprinkhaan641]

Dear SLOFox, Your video's are always amazing, analysing, empathic, kind, everything... but this one actually did me really good. It wasn't an eye-opener, because I was aware of all this before... but it was reassuring, calming... realising you're not alone in this, that you're not weird and most of all, that'll get better with time. Every day I realise more and more that I'm a real guy... just I'm still scared. Not of the social parts, but just scared of myself. It's recently that I realised that everything I do, every choice I make, was most of the time getting me out of my power, out my energy. Keeping myself weak... and I did it (I still do, but try to change it) because I'm just so damn scared of my true self, probably that male self. I'm not there yet, but from a complete hate, I'm so close to mutual acceptance. Not love and integration of my shadow yet, but it'll come. So thanks to you for this, And because I wrote something about this shadow a little ago, here that text too: "With me it's different... [compared to a comic about transguy looking at the past and seeing a young-girl, and accepting that's the past and it's alright] When I look at the past, when I was a kid, I see the boy I was, who didn't care about all this stuff. Who was him, and was happy. When I look a little less far in the past, I see the girl who thought that if people took her for the guy he was, she tricked them, was making up that big lie. That he wasn't real. When I look a little bit closer to the present, I see the kid, who realises that every war, every death, every darkness is started by men. Not women. When I look more closer to the present, I see the teenage girl who forgot all about this, but knew she was weird, because she was still that guy, but with so much layers above it, that the guy -the true him- was just that howling male monster in the darkness, something to be afraid of. When I look even more closer to the present, I see that young adult, trying to accept that monster, to use it, not be destroyed by it. Switching in between allowing it there, and putting it away. Forcing it away, hammering on it's head, until it's down again... like all those long years since childhood. Because it feels like it's a deadly volcano ready to explode. When I look close so close to present, I see the volcano exploding in a deluge. Not fire, just water, swirling emotions. Not a monster, but a broken beast who is so happy to be free, to be accepted that he almost feels feminine! Ready to dance, laugh, sing! But the adult himself, feels like a collaborator... And when I look right now, I see that guy who knows all of those feelings about maleness being a monster is nonsense... but deep down the feeling, that conviction is still there, poisoning his live. But right now he's happy, getting the poison out a little more each day... and one day he'll be proud to be men! Do be that guy! That awesome guy! But right now, he's just that scared boy who likes everything about himself, except being that boy."

[@TheSLOfox]

That's nicely written. Thank you for sharing that. And I'm glad you can relate to my experience!

[@MingusTale]

This was super interesting. It made me dig into weird things I used to think about guys. I don't think I'm trans but this just made me think about things. And it made me sort of sad actually, like I really need to find my shadow. I've been trying to get over a difficult school life and allow myself to actually become myself in the last two years, but I think since I haven't found my shadow yet, me breaking myself down has just made me bubble in and out of depression. I feel that I am growing but I don't feel good. I used to be very strong and far less emotional, but I'm realising that was acheived all wrong, by suppression and avoidance. I dunno I just wish I could find my shadow like you! I'll have to look into this shadow stuff.

[@TheSLOfox]

It can take a long time... I mean, for example, I knew all about everything trans for years, yet it still took me so long to really accept myself and get to know myself. I had to go through so many "layers" of feelings and aspects of myself. Bit by bit. Also, I do think it's possible to try too hard... sometimes not trying can be more helpful than trying. I hope you feel better!

[@MingusTale]

+TheSLOfox Thank you. Indeed it never helps much to rack my brain over things. I am on holiday currently and have been doing very little other than lying around in the sun taking in scenery (this is the first time I've been online in a week), which has helped me a lot. Tbh I sometimes think the most important thing I always forget about is how crucial it is to leave time to do nothing and truly nothing. That's usually helpful... not always haha. Anyway, thanks x

[@romanm.2676]

This resonates with me so much and it sounds so similar to my sentiments but I've never been able to articulate it this well. I've been struggling with my gender identity for about 8 years now and I'm glad I didn't dive into transitioning when I was younger cause it might have torn me to do it without address my shadow self. Thanks so much for this even though I'm receiving it 4 years later .

[@TheSLOfox]

Thanks! Yeah, sometimes it can take a huge amount of mental processing, and life experience, to figure oneself out. It's ok if it takes a long time to realize something or be ready for something.

[@elkpapa]

Wow! Thank you so much for putting this to words! The murkiness you described is very similar to my experience. Interestingly, rather than contempt towards cis straight males or males at large, I specifically had contempt towards drag queens. It was only until much later that I realized it was linked to being trans. Drag queens have fun pretending to be women, but can always be seen as men at the end of the day. I was really angry at the fact that they could enjoy and satirize femininity because they weren't trapped in it like I was. Ru Paul has actually said that trans people are really serious about gender, and I couldn't agree more! Though I have embraced drag culture of late, it is only because I learned to recognize that other people's experience of gender is not my own, and that diversity of experience should be celebrated. Anyways, thanks for this great video!!

[@TheSLOfox]

That's very interesting about drag queens! That makes sense to me. Yes, I agree that a lot of trans people are serious about gender. Gender is important to me, in that I feel male and masculine and want to live it every day; I don't have much urge to play around with it, and I wouldn't want gender to go away! I like it and it makes me feel like myself.

[@Mollifyable]

watching this late but it was really cool, illuminating (pun intended) and reminded me of my own experience with the shadow =). i had a relationship that completely changed my life, it was like i was living under a big block of stone before her and she saw through it to the real me. i've never been so deeply shook. when we broke up the shadow was almost eating me, it was like it was nibbling at my feet and if i turned around or stopped walking it would eat me. sounds kinda crazy but it's very real like you said. all the things i didn't know about myself were fighting for my attention. then after a couple years of "rising to meet the shadow like an equal" i started to see things inside it, one of them being that i was trans. i'm now in the process of being evaluated psychologically to go on testosterone and i can't wait to hopefully feel like my outside matches my inside, i think that's gonna be very powerful spiritually. thanks for this video =)

[@TheSLOfox]

It's so interesting to hear the similarities between your experience and mine! I'm glad that this video resonated with you. Yes it is indeed very spiritually powerful when your outside matches your inside. I hope you're able to get there before too long! Best wishes to you!

[@mayaanderson01]

Alan, when you told the story about the therapist suddenly asking you about your hidden shadow, I immediately imagined the creepy mood of a David Lynch film and got goosebumps! I never learned about Jung's shadow, and it was really fascinating, about how it relates to projection and the fracturing of the self, and the repression of the animal side. I can totally relate. I've been using the name "onibox" for my online presence/ artist name for over 15 years, and it means "demon in a box" in Japanese. I used that because I felt like there was something animalistic and dark in me and I didn't know what it was. I had/still have similar issues you mentioned, the animosity, the feelings during sex, the fractured sense of self, the unconscious suppression of the "dark side" (which is usually the sexy charismatic side!), not having full access to the real self. Only through art I was able to access all of that primal emotions, and in real life I am such a goody two shoes haha.

[@mayaanderson01]

Wow I've reached the word limit in my last comment. :) Great video, thank you for sharing as always!

[@TheSLOfox]

I was always a goody two-shoes too! haha. That's cool that you can use art to access that other side of yourself. Sounds fascinating!

[@newuo141]

Firstly, I just want to tell you how much I enjoy watching your videos and listening to your thoughts! :) This became a rather long reply because I was literally nodding my head while I was watching... I do relate to this, both the concept of the "shadow" and parts of your experience in realizing. Something similar has struck me, but instead of a psychiatrist it was my uncle who commented on his heavy smoking habit how "Everyone has some sin (in a non-religious way) they are guilty of" and then jokingly asked me what mine was haha. I have mostly been quite tame and never had any desire to drink, smoke, etc., but the realization that I apparently was so spotless stirred something unsettling. I felt like there was something I had not yet realized about myself, which is interesting now years later that I know I'm trans (ftm). Not that being trans would be any kind of sin, more how you describe it as being something subconsciously hidden. Nowadays I wonder if unknowingly suppressing that I'm trans and/or feeling like an outsider even if I was perceived as a straight girl made me control my behavior so that nobody would ever have a reason to judge me or be hateful. I sadly guess it benefits me now that I fear I might actually get treated badly by narrow-minded people. Anyway, I'm fascinated how much I can relate to your past view of men and how it might connect to being ftm. I still believe I have some sort of jealousy, like how they could take their body for granted, but I hope my general view of men will improve further by being aware of my feelings and getting further in my transition. There's still also a lifelong awareness of sexism though which makes me rather "root for" women, if that makes sense. One thing that's very different for me is that I'm attracted to men. I had a long-term relationship with a straight guy, and I can relate so much to that sort of inner dialog of managing intimacy. To me, the act of giving oral sex made me feel gay. I often preferred it because it made me feel like a guy and none of my difficult parts were involved. My "gayness" however didn't work so well with him. At first he didn't really acknowledge it, then there was confusion and then some acceptance and encouragement but to me the effort just couldn't be perceived as sincere due to him knowing he was "very straight". I still believe our relationship helped me enormously towards getting to the point I was able to realize I was trans, he's very supportive even though we're not together anymore. I guess I'm very much in the process of gaining clarity, It's been a year since I discovered this part of "my shadow" and there's probably more feelings of being in tune with myself to come. I'm happy to hear you are feeling more alive :)

[@TheSLOfox]

Thanks for sharing your experience! That's interesting. It does sound like we've had some very similar stuff going on mentally. I get what you mean about feeling gay with a male partner. That's how I'd feel too... it's how I've felt when I've danced with guys at gay bars. :) As you know, I'm not really into guys, but there have been a couple guys I"ve had a crush on. I would never want to be with them as a woman; that feels super weird and yucky to me. It would feel much better to try being with them as a man and to be wanted for the male aspects of myself. That's awesome that you've gained some clarity. Best wishes to you!

[@okchun]

omg i just watched your video from 2014 and then this one, your voice is amazing!

[@metallicleoraa]

That was very interesting! I've been reading a lot on that type of idea and even monks, nuns, and hermits have to face their shadow side when being alone in contemplation. It surfaces when it feels like a safe time to do so I suppose. I'm glad you found out your truth and have gained so much from it! I am thinking about my own situation a lot and how for a lot of my life I was not allowing some things or not treating them as valid. So this video was timely even for me

[@TheSLOfox]

Thanks for that - I'm so glad this video was useful for you. That's interesting about monks, nuns, and hermits!

[@daniellacaplan2807]

i had extreme non reasonable fear of rape and boys before i knew i was trans, and i thought i was a lesbian as well because i was really scared of boys (which is partly true cause i'm bi(

[@colgan2731]

Great video! It's been an amazing go to video to help my friend going through transition, and I am able to connect to him and he'll as best as I can. Thanks so much.

I have a similar experience, but in the opposite direction (MTF). Unfortunately, my wife did get turned off by it (and heartbroken :'( ). But, we agreed to remain friends. All that to say that what you mentioned about accepting our shadows speaks volumes about accepting our whole selves, rather than just what we think is "acceptable".

[@maggieras126]

Your videos are so so so helpful for me. This one especially gives me a lot to think about. I'm kind of at the beginning of figuring out how to describe my experience with gender and figuring out what to do about it, but this gives me a lot a lot to think about and it makes sense to me in a lot of ways that other creators don't. So thank you so much!!

[@TheSLOfox]

thank you so much! I am honored that my videos are so helpful for you. I really appreciate your feedback! I admire that you're on your gender journey.

[@sah.set.]

I love your cadence. If I ever transition I'd prefer a tone like yours I think.

[@marlinheyen5983]

Wow I can really relate to many of your situations.. I was also doubting that I'm trans because of some same things but you got the point of how it is connected! Thank you!

[@yourpalwes]

Great video, Allen. Thanks for sharing.

[@TheSLOfox]

Thanks! :)

[@HikiibatoHada]

Very insightful video. Accessibility of all parts of the spirit and getting to recognize your natural self is like the brain, isolated from any other vital organs, to become aware of the rest of the body. It creates a picture of what is really housing you as an entity instead of disregarding irrelevant information (your body, femininity, masculinity, etc.) being aware only of what is acceptable. Thank you for another thoughtful analysis of yourself. I am always interested in personal development of others. Not only are your words relatable but it's something I have felt myself try to describe, similar to opening doors, by examining the shadows. Understanding the whole self, what is needed to thrive and what destroys its balance, is restorative where a problem has existed and a relief when realizing it has been lifted without the active withdrawal or removal of parts which come natural. This can be metaphysical (personal identity) or physical (the body itself). For example, I hated how much body hair I used to have and shamed myself for it but since transitioning hair has become less "disgusting" and more part of a natural existence for me. Shaving was a vehicle for manufacturing a persona than it was about my personal philosophy of bodily appearance and hygiene. Finding out that your true self has been slipping through the cracks of one who was "created" and is the correct self is like restricting your inhalation to a handful of times in a minute of every day then remembering you don't have to control that process and can leave this natural task to the body which automates it. What was a constant reminder of what should be real is the idea that it is not what is real when in our natural relaxed state. A privilege to hear you speak about this private subject on camera as always and again thank you for sharing.

[@TheSLOfox]

Thank you! I appreciate that. I really relate to what you say about being real/natural, and about the feelings about hair, too. Nicely put.

[@skylaraskyfullofstarz9240]

ty Beautiful Soul thiz helps alot woooooow this Amazing!This helps alot for myself I'm female MTF 🧡❣❣🧡

[@julius4125]

Thank you for this video! I can really relate to the concept of shadow - that's exactly the description i've never been able to give when it came to explaining people how i felt before i knew i was trans. so thanks for that! :-)

[@quasi8180]

I know exactly what you mean about primal animalistic male spirit I sense it a lot.

[@tobyr3]

I enjoyed your Jungian analysis and believe it holds many clues in this case. I feel that many of the psychological difficulties that many of the trans guys experience during their youth have origins in such discontinuities. I’m glad your partner was able to help reveal your true identity. I strongly believe that parts of the brain are configured by the hormone washes it receives, early in gestation, that sets up the gender identity. The later dominate hormone may clash with those configurations. I found it interesting that T made you feel more like initiating sex play. That clashes with some politically correct views of sexual equality. My guess is that other trans guys have experienced similar differences to their approach to sex. Perhaps another example you could have given is your increased love of recreating on your own, such as going on multi-day camping trips. I’m glad you feel so much more alive, real and happy now.

[@TheSLOfox]

Thank you very much. I agree with you about the hormones and brain stuff. Yeah, I think my increased ability to enjoy going on trips by myself is related. Good point. :)

[@bitterlemon3526]

" I strongly believe that parts of the brain are configured by the hormone washes it receives, early in gestation, that sets up the gender identity. The later dominate hormone may clash with those configurations." I think the same. This first configuration is very deep and primal, its our core. But later dominate hormone also shape brain so the brain become kind of hybryd. But sexuality is more connected with this core.

[@kaiyodei]

as far as i know nobody talks about that in these kind of videos. it's always "yeah, I hated being a girly girl and never wanted to be the mom or princess when playing makebelive. I hate skirts and makeup and liked playing in the woods with my male pals as a child"

[@marcusshuman550]

Thank you so much for the dog analogy

[@ollieapril]

Hi, I really like watching your videos. I resonate with a lot of things you say. Thank you for being so honest with stuff too ;)

[@utueliel]

This was a super super interesting video, thank you. It made me think so much, with all those details and the kind of thoughts that I haven't heard in any of the other trans videos here. Thank you.

[@nicole621911]

I love your content, I love listening to you.

[@TheSLOfox]

Thank you! :) Thanks for listening.

[@quasi8180]

I have such a problem wirh men having been hurt by all the men i knew but ive always had such a deep.connection to male characters in fiction especially when i write male chharacters.

[@emrymitch350]

Very insightful dude. Thanks

[@TheSLOfox]

Thank you! :)

[@gaticogordito5557]

I really enjoyed this video. Thanks!

[@TheSLOfox]

I'm glad! Thank you.

[@krozem45]

I also started to let it come out because of a girl too.

[@TheSLOfox]

Interesting! It's amazing how powerful and revealing relationships can be.

[@thomaslaurence8585]

I just received your thank you. Thank you! Right now I am so terrified that Trump is going to take away my Medicaid and Medicare away, and I will not be able to have my surgeries. I'm on disability BECAUSE I was sexually abused as a child, and it killed my immune system. When I "became a boy" to survive, my health returned. For the same reason, I have been on disability for 17 years. If I don't get these surgeries, I will die, if not from illness then from depression, cause I can't live as a woman anymore. Please pray for me.

[@markmeyer5361]

I am a cis gay man, and I'm interested in the idea that I (and maybe many others like me) have sexual desires to be both passive and active. I have normal testosterone levels so it can't be just that. Being male doesn't necessarily mean you don't want someone else to "do stuff to you" if you get my drift. Sexuality is complex!

[@ashmcgee5963]

Agreed! Passive and active is not rooted in maleness or femaleness. It's society that has created that paradigm and unfortunately, it's being internalized, which creates confusion. Even dysphoria can't exist outside of society. Many wouldn't wish for, not just different parts, but specific parts if we weren't constantly doing a comparative analysis. Society makes identity far more complicated than it needs to be.

[@carrots6044]

Ohhh. Oh no. Connecting Jung's shadow with your trans-ness resonated with me a bit too much. It scared me and I had to pause and take a break to collect myself. Nice to know that there are other people who have gone through the same thoughts as me though.

[@gigl02]

Thanks for sharing.. It helps me a lot..!!

[@kaiyodei]

i am the shadow the true self!

[@ericsparks2349]

I love your hat!

[@transingularity2989]

+The Slo Fox How is the Jungian concept of "the Shadow" different from Freud's concept of "the Id--?"

[@mi2c20]

rip Debbie Ford 💗😑

[@christinehaley8097]

Were you ever Austin?

[@lenovovo]

Hey Alan, I got a question for you, and the question is, would you ever date a gay guy?

[@agata2459]

👍💓👍

[@myrkflinn4331]

My mind also shifted as I realized I wanted to be a man. My sexual being, spiritual... I feel a lot more 'confident' sort of same, before that, I prefered to elt it happen to me cos I couldnt do anything otherwise and now, Id go full bestial mode if she wants that tho lol

[@llunavermella_bloodmoon]

What do you think of radical feminism?

[@TheSLOfox]

What do you mean by radical feminism? I think it might mean different things to different people.