Kirsten Lindsmith talks about Neurologically Mixed Relationships at Love and Autism

[@melissadouglas570]

I’m only at 24:29, but this is one of the most informative, and personally relevant, talks that I have ever heard. Thank you for sharing this on KZbin. Many of the terms and situations described, have confounded me for my entire life, and though I have been somewhat successful at adapting my conversational techniques to the allistic world, it has always seemed like there was a rule book explaining these concepts that I was never given, but somehow still responsible for adhering to. I’ve only recently learned that I am autistic, and have always thought it was unfair that there was this unwritten social contract that I had to abide by, and was considered the odd one out at times when I just didn’t have the energy to “adapt.” I’m so tired, still, but I am interested in learning more about why my fellow humans have established these practices. Maybe if I can agree with the basis for these “rules,” following them will become less difficult, in that I won’t feel like a liar for telling someone that they look nice when I don’t actually believe it.

[@FakeApologize]

I'd listen to her talk about relationships all day.

[@marciozago943]

Wow! I can relate to about 95% of the things and situations she talked about, it's good to know that all of those things don't happen just to me. I've been diagnosed with mild autism about a year ago. I'm 22 and I can finally understand the reason behind things being the way they are in my life.

[@alexandra_3697]

Your research is beautiful and awesomely complete. Thank you.

[@pandariuskairos3841]

I'm high functioning autistic and borderline personality disorder - I relate to the things she says both about the autistic (a little) and neurotypicals.

[@nydcat]

It's amazing! You nailed it perfectly. My spouse need to watch it.

[@alehandromerkel7108]

I really got a lot of information out of this video. Kinda scary how I have missed out on 90% of communication with friends, family and relationships in the past. Great speaker!!

[@kimlangley7022]

Well said, Kristen!What a fantastic video-I am the mother and partner of men on the spectrum-and have to admit that I am considering ending the marriage because of an empathy and emotional gap that I cannot seem to either accept or fix in our relationship issues.I truly love my asd partner very much-I do not feel understood ,I try to bridege our differences-but even then there's that thing when you are not even sure if the person is listening to you at all. I am leaning towards separation-because there has been no real help.I agree that it is almost impossible for a so-called NT to empathize with an asd perspective, same for them.This video gave me some great tips,and hope that it could be possible to get some help and be happy.I am not sure that I am even NT,I related so much to some of your insights on soscial behaviour-I would really like to have the list of resources from your talk,if you have time! Brilliant stuff,I will share this with my 25 year old son, he has adapted somuch since he was a kid-I think people underestimate people on the spectrum all the time.Please keep up the good work-you are truly gifted.Thankyou.

[@Nyarlathothep]

I'm 25 minutes in, and just trying to imagine what trying to remember, and interpret, and use all of these subtle things that people unconsciously do and say, is giving me a headache. I was diagnosed late. At 43. And people can take me or leave me. I don't need a "social life" that damned bad.

[@ncktyu]

I hate how being physically unattractive is a problem that is never really taken seriously.

[@x.a.2758]

That's bc attractiveness is highly subjective. On a cultural level, "unattractiveness" is caused by social stigmata. White cishet able-bodied upper-class people are usually considered more attractive than other people bc there's a cultural bias against non-White, queer, disabled and poor people, not bc they're objectively more attractive. Everyone's beautiful in an egalitarian society.

[@x.a.2758]

​@Taylor Jordan " Certain current anthropological studies suggest that even in an egalitarian society, women would favor physically able men and men would favor youthful-looking women. This is a biological result of evolutionary pressures." Well, fitness (being "physically able") and health (being "youthful-looking") are usually valued regardless of gender. (Think of ancient Rome where "beardlessness" and youth were beauty ideals for all genders.) However, biologistic reasoning isn't very practical for psychological processes. This particular oneis based on a fundamental misunderstanding what evolution means -- evolution is selection, not perfection. Variation is as important as differential reproduction. Differential reproduction is an emergent phenomenon, it occurs automatically when people have an increased lifespand and/or free time. It's not the same as selective breeding. There's a much simpler and more accurate explanation that perfectly lines up with modern neurosciences. it's just doesn't resonate much with people who want to politicize everything in favor of existing norms and social hierarchies. Emotions are triggered when our brain encounters some input we like or dislike. Almost everyone likes health -- and if we interact with a healthy person, we'll usually admire them for exhibiting a quality we like. However, widely shared ideals don't matter the same to every single individual. Personality and social upbringing matter as least as much as near-universal experiences (like viewing health as something positive). That's why education, money and arbitary signifiers (like hair styles, nose shape etc.) can actually make someone far more attractive to a lot of people than full hair and a low BMI... and literally _anything_ could be attractive to a specific individual. -- Personally, I have this seemingly rare fetish for people who are kind, intelligent and emotionally mature (generally referred to as "decent human beings"). Anyways, if all women would favor physically able men, there'd be no lesbians. If your "theory" doesn't account for queer people without labelling them as aberrations or something, you made it unfalsifiable. I mean, people who fancy BS "theories" like the ones you presented, are usually homophobic, so devaluing minorities is probably the reason, not what you think of as a problem.

[@katatta456]

@@x.a.2758 Best way to end a conversation with a KZbin troll I've ever seen!! Also we have the same fetish, you're not alone but it is rare..... lol!

[@domepiece11]

A great book on learning communication is How to Talk to Anyone by Leil Lowndes. Until at least age 30, I thought communication was simply about exchanging information. Then someone told me conversation is about connecting. It was a revelation. I instantly felt so stupid! Leil Lowndes describes small talk as “music” and someone once told me to think of a conversation between two people as gently lobbing a tennis ball back and forth. So I try to visualize those things now.

[@evulcantn1967]

Is there any place to get the handouts / slides she mentions at the beginning?

[@amamuffin]

This is perfect

[@bigbalzdan]

I should never read the comments.... Hmmnn. You are spot on.

[@SenorTeco]

The way the video cuts out is extremely frustrating.

[@samanthakatecreates6179]

This is excellent 😊

[@lefthandl364]

I never knew that's what "How are you" meant. I feel dumb.

[@larrychu6396]

mixed relationships everyone just tells me I'm to weird.

[@jessicatrentwood832]

Don;'t mean to be rude, but a lot of the situations she mentioned that Aspies dohappen in neurotypical relationships or were done to me by neurotypicals in our mixed relationship.

[@garyfrancis5015]

Oh dear Simon Baron Cohen empathising and systemising in autism. The male with system. The female with empathising. The controversial sex divide with the psychology of autism.

[@ajsdfkljasdfisfda98]

"Why is being blunt considered rude?" Great question. I don't think your source really gives the right answer. The majority prefers to live in a world where information is not open, and where they can feel "safe" in their ignorance. Nothing else.

[@buddhafx5973]

I tend to agree. Ignorance is their Bliss.

[@x.a.2758]

I don't have autism but I'm probably not neurotypical. As a highly empathetic person, I love when people aren't playing games. I usually can tell what they're thinking anyway -- and pretending I didn't see something so obvious is so pretty exhausting. I'm good at playing dumb but sometimes I slip up and accidentally embarrass people. Kirsten Lindsmith says she has to mask herself when being around other people. Most people do something similar if they don't want to be subjected to violence. The few people who don't fear violence are usually more dangerous than others... and if you're not making any attempt to hide, this is what most people will assume about you... because they are already afraid of other people and listening to your own fears is often easier than listening to other people.

[@jennym432]

So you save them from feeling safe in their"ignorance" by being blunt? You're my hero. Let's get you a cape.

[@mgtowbooboo8530]

These things are all much harder for men who have to make all the moves and could go to jail for making the wrong ones.

[@hhadhri]

Hey, I like your speech and your feet. Can I have the list of references please? :)

[@parpaddy7827]

Rainbow child

[@rogersyversen3633]

guide to what games you need to play to have access to sex. no thanks. I'd rather be proud of who I am. If I happen to stumble on someone who appreciates who I am, then fine.

[@sbsman4998]

Lovely video, great ideas thanks. I was fascinated with two things firstly that your voice is so pleasant, not the grinding harsh female voice heard so often these days and secondly how you moved your body while speaking. You would move your feet into one leg stance then switch to the other foot while moving your hand in gesture. Would this be stimming? This is my first watching, the second will provide more surely.

[@kb_analytics]

Sorry I can't finish the video! I can hear the saliva in your mouth! I really want to watch this though. Maybe I can get through it later. 😫