Things People With Addictions Say to Try and Gaslight You 😫

[@PutTheShovelDown]

How to spot manipulation tactics: 😮😮😮kzbin.info/www/bejne/a5ynlK2BbpeZmqc

[@Geenine44]

Nga mihi, Daddy didn't raise no fool,😂

[@brettrun8575]

It’s as if you lived in my house. Amazing how predictable and repeatable all of these behaviors are and when you are the loved one of an addict you literally feel like you’re the only person in the world going through this.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're most definitely not the only one! 💖

[@lynyeliga5251]

One out of ten houses have addictions,and l am not talking cigs

[@Silvia-sy5qk]

Where’s the video on how to manage?

[@priscillamatheny]

Thank you so much for this knowledge. My life has changed substantially since watching your videos. What you do for us as partners or family of addicts is invaluable and simply feeling understood (and feeling like we are not alone) makes the biggest difference. Thank you Thank you ❤

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Wow, thank you! that made my day 💝

[@user-du1ci3xe9u]

Amber I just wanted to say thanks. Recently, I found myself in a relationship with a functional alcoholic. This person has big goals and ambitions, works out hard every day, has a great job... I saw this person drank quite a bit, but I didn't understand. It was such a crazy ride. I tried to make it work for ten months. Things came to a head and I ended it, tired of playing the bad guy. I went searching for content and I found yours. I just wanted to say I can't thank you enough for making sense of my life this year. The work you are doing here is nothing short of amazing.

[@user-du1ci3xe9u]

I should say being "named" the bad guy rather, when I was trying to hard.

[@user-du1ci3xe9u]

So hard!

[@paulinecarter2963]

My husband will say , I know I need to work on it, your right, I will work on it. Then goes in the bathroom and drinks his beer or garage or wherever trying to hide it from me

[@TaSiyaWorld]

I'm a guy. My woman is pregnant with both our first child, I love her too much. I've been working on my alcohol journey, I told her early there will be hiccups. But it seems when I relapse a weekend I haven't tried my best the past 3/4months it makes you feel unappreciated as a man. Like you know I could just be unavailable like my father but I'm here I don't make excuses when it's time to save money for our coming child ay

[@christiebailey9941]

Thanks Amber. This isn't my first rodeo with addiction, when my Husband used nearly all of these exact statements....if I wasn't sure he was addicted, his responses were all CLASSIC (as you mention in this video) and that alone told me I was absolutely correct.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You are so welcome!

[@pamelam4]

The classic is a classic for a reason 🤦‍♀️ I can’t tell you how many times I’ve found whiskey bottles hidden in our home and that’s exactly what he says.

[@mskharys]

Thank you for this video. I have heard several of these, #3, 4, 5. The most insidious form of gaslighting I have been on the receiving end of was #3 (you're overreacting) expanded to include "You really need to take responsibility for yourself. I'm not responsible for your feelings." and "I'm concerned about your anxiety. You worry about everything and you overreact. Why you won't talk with you doctor about your problem?" Eventually he started saying that he thought I was bipolar because I was emotionally reactive (this was during quarantine). I was emotionally reactive, but I knew I wasn't bipolar. I told him suggesting I was bipolar was inappropriate. He's not a doctor, he doesn't get to do that. But it was enough to convince me to go see a therapist. Fortunately, the therapist said that maybe I should try to listen to what my emotions were trying to warn me about, rather than assume my emotions were the problem. Still, it was months before I told the therapist about the alcohol problems, and well over a year later before I started to admit there was an alcohol problem in our home. Do you think alcoholics know they are gaslighting? Or, is it just an unintentional further exertion of the need to keep access to alcohol open? Gas lighting is confusing because there is truth in it. I was dealing with real anxiety and my emotions were unstable. I looked mentally unstable and I felt mentally unstable. Sometimes that happens in a marriage with an alcoholic. But I didn't understand that then, and it was very confusing. Your videos have been very helpful to me as I try to make sense out of this experience.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Great advice from your counselor! Sometimes they know they're lying/gaslighting, but sometimes they don't.

[@mskharys]

@@PutTheShovelDown sometimes I wonder if its like my relationship to air or water or food. If someone I loved was threatening to cut off my access to air, I'd fight them. I may even hurt them. Because air is really important to me, and the only reason that I can think of that someone would deny me access to air is if they wanted to cause me harm. I know my husband learned fairly early on to turn to alcohol for emotional support, and we all need emotional support. Maybe when I started saying that he had a problem, he felt like I was trying to deny him a basic need? I don't know.

[@lynyeliga5251]

They know everything they are doing, they want to wear us down to nothing and steal more money for drugs . You can’t tell them no , they go apeshit and destroy the house.

[@weberv41]

1) Lol, my husband wouldn't even deny drinking when I found stuff, he just didn't care. 2) We drank together like everyone else back in the day, didn't think he'd get increasingly worse over time. He's never really used this excuse though. Says he needs to it feel normal. 3) His favorite thing to say is "Don't worry about it." 4) My husband actually never goes out. I wish he would. He literally does nothing every weekend except practically drink himself to death and sleep. 5) Supposedly, It's ALL my fault he drinks because of those reasons. Well, me and stress from work. 7) He has said these things because I've talked to my close family/friends because I needed someone to talk to on how to deal with it and also because I was trying to get him help. Unfortunately, I think it also made him more of a social hermit because he thinks everyone hates him. He doesn't understand that people would just be happy and proud if he got better.

[@santosscott3946]

I could have written this myself

[@peterlyons8793]

Get out of there.

[@gwillis01]

Hello Amber What I think you are saying is that as you get older, wiser, and more mature, alcohol and other forms of self destructive behavior should become less prominent and less frequent in your life.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

🎯🎯🎯

[@Only1Tania]

Wow! So on the spot with most of these!!! & this is why my marriage is ending. All of this stuff.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Only1Tania! Glad this video was helpful, but really sorry you're going through this crappy situation. 😓

[@Only1Tania]

@@PutTheShovelDown Thanks. It's been a long time coming. I tried offering him to get help in EVERY way I can. But he just doesn't want to help himself. So what else is there to do? I can't keep living a miserable life.

[@lynyeliga5251]

@@Only1Tania The codependent self will disappear, and a wonderful freedom will appear,yes, there is a god. Stay safe, enjoy.l started to go to dance classes,it gets the thinking brain moving and stop worrying about the addict. You need to get well .stay safe.

[@Geenine44]

Another fav... I did nothing wrong, and you went to the cops... We are over! Nothing will fix this, you made sure of that!.... This is after I was unsafe and he breached my protection order twice.

[@JaeDeeEss]

Wow, you're spot on!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thank you!

[@kimb7970]

Oh my Gosh !!!!Yes from the very 1st statement !!! That's old that's been there. Family member not spouse

[@silvermaple-n6n]

# 4. Developmental stages. Love your description of and explanation od appropriateness, Actually all 7. I thank you and God for your insight and knowledge.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

So glad this was helpful!

[@TheTialalande]

So spot on I can't even believe

[@deborahstarman9874]

I wish you would take more about multiple addictions in the end stage. The very last one. It is heartbreaking. Even if you don't want to let go.... Please speak a bit more on what the addict needs to be aware of. What it's doing to their body and brain. 😊

[@christylee9552]

Lord what I wouldn’t give for you to be my sister and lifetime coach!

[@katybaker2402]

My husband tried to convince me that I had cheated on him with his friend and that if he just asked me enough times that I would admit it. Craziness.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Katy, Is he addicted to a substance that makes him paranoid?

[@katybaker2402]

@@PutTheShovelDown at that time it was only alcohol, however, he has done multiple different substances on and off for years including prescription meds and marijuana.

[@lynyeliga5251]

I think he is worried about losing the gravy train . If you leave, who is going to supplement? his live style

[@lynyeliga5251]

I hope l didn’t offend you, l am not that type of person. With two grown children and a addict wife, to me that is a red flag. L know it hurts to leave the love one, but they want a nurse and a purse to take care of their addiction, stat safe and stay well , you need a angel around you to keep you safe. When their is drugs., their are dangerous people around you, you didn’t marry that.with love and happiness , please stay with your mom. . That is your rock foundation. Your place to be.

[@lynyeliga5251]

Please disreguard the post . So sorry, ment to deliver post to someone else.

[@Jacqueline1859]

Omg that second one!!!!

[@christinedebarros6597]

Pretty sure I’ve heard all of those..thanks Amber

[@PutTheShovelDown]

My pleasure!

[@mikeinmelbourne9491]

For me, it's number 2 - I hear that all the time.

[@hundo9314]

Love these. 😬

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks Hundo!

[@lorimcdevitt1506]

Yep…’you knew I was like this when you met me’….

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Classic! 🤔

[@eagle-wingedturtle201]

Update: my person stayed in a sober living house for 3 weeks after detox, then got his car fixed and left the state without telling us. He dropped off my brother's guitar, and that's how we all found out. But it was a done deal because he kept his rent money for the week and had already left the house. He says he's staying with sober people for the next 4 days and thinks he can get a prestigious offer letter from a university or clinic in 4 days so he has a job lined up when his time runs out with these people. As far as I'm concerned, even if he is sure he will never drink again because the pain is still fresh in his mind. He still has swollen limbs and lesions from his last near-death experience that he never saw a doctor about. And his teeth are still missing because he never saw a dentist. And he's still in a ton of debt from taking out ridiculous loans when drunk. And he has an eviction following him now too. Even so, he says he doesn't want the family's help. All we want to do is lock him up, and refuses to understand why everyone is blocking his phone number now. We all just spent a lot of time getting his ungrateful butt a place to live and save his life. He set it all u for us all to say "have a nice life." It stings that dad doesn't have the capacity to care at all about his family, not even his grandbaby

[@jenniferandrews8449]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. How awful it must be to watch him do this to himself AND to you and his family. I've said a prayer 🙏 😔

[@lynyeliga5251]

Baby more important,keep the positive vibration with the good family going,know matter what , baby will need all the love to be healthy mentally,heal ,go to counselling,the journey is now beginning,much love to you.

[@bk138gt6]

I've Definitely been accused of trying to turn people against my alcoholic ex. But she did that herself

[@Romiegirl-jq4rj]

It’s all my fault is one of my husbands go to in the past. I was like, you had this problem LONG before we ever met. And that I talk too much about our issues. I don’t tell anyone anything anymore besides his Mom who is my only ally who knows and loves him and knows the “true” person inside who is struggling.

[@Mz.Scarlett]

My ex husband’s daughter told me her dad didn’t drink before he met me….I said that’s why he had 2dui’s when I met him ….🙄

[@PutTheShovelDown]

😫😡

[@Romiegirl-jq4rj]

@@Mz.Scarlett same thing here. Two DUI’s before we met. Couldn’t even drive for almost a year after I met him and now has a breathalyzer in his car. It’s been a problem for a long time!

[@Mz.Scarlett]

@@Romiegirl-jq4rj Well, I Got a divorce 3 years ago and moved to a different state. Lost my house, everything! He got 6 DUI’s and ended up in the hospital…the alcohol has taken its toll on him. He has wet brain…lives with his daughter in FL. Neither of them have a license, she lost custody of her children to her X husband….sad sad situation but I hung in there until his drinking affected MY health, I was on the verge of a heart attack from stress….Look up “The immortal alcoholic”…..and read the stages …it’s all true!

[@lynyeliga5251]

They want you to suffer with them , you hit the nail when you talk too much.la there a real honest relationship or you are the mother to take care of him, it bothers me cause you mention kids ! Stay safe

[@kittyhayden7931]

My adult daughter has threatened to hurt herself to get her way which scares me to death now that I no longer give her money she does this often my question is she's now homeless we live in different states i don't know where she's at out on the streets.. what can I do to make sure she's okay? I worry constantly

[@Flash3-22]

Revisiting why I felt so betrayed by my husband- #2!!!! He hid extent of his pot use - #7- sadly reality after finally shared my years of living with his useage #8 - yep he says I should just accept his use Wish I had known about these phrases 25 years ago.

[@brasilsneedychildren]

I have a sister who have a great problem with hoarding. Now I’m going to have to let her move in with me. She also wants me to take in her 2 cats. I’m panicking in letting her and her cats coming to my house…. If I don’t help her she will be homeless.

[@melissacrockett1095]

Get her an emmy!

[@michelecrouse5284]

i feel more empowered. however i can could not get him yo come around with all the tactics.....evryone i reached out cannot help us so we had to make in house plan....

[@joyontboruwa2238]

Nice

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks

[@joyontboruwa2238]

Ur namber

[@jenniferandrews8449]

I'm NOT mocking this video by any means, but I had to laugh at the first one "that's not mine! it's one of my friends" cuz as a GenXr, that's what I've said to my parents in HS after I got caught with a few joints lol 😆 I guess I was surprised people/adults still try and pull that one!! But I did like this video and look forward to the next ones!!! BTW my son uses that last one on me all the time "you KNEW that's what happened!" Uughh 😫

[@PutTheShovelDown]

🤣🤣🤣🤣So true!

[@jonathansledge7416]

So I've just found you. I'm desperate. I've done everything but find my wife in the act. All the signs. All the emotions. Positive drug test, pipe, torch everything is there. Idk what to do. I have not seen her actually do it but that might also be part because she spends a lot of time every single day at the new friends house across the street.

[@michelecrouse5284]

yes its all my fault Amen

[@elianevan6707]

I have a question for you do you sincerely believe that someone who is addicted whether it's alcohol to drugs or whatever can get away with curing themselves and their addiction and don't you think like when they have had no spouse who offers addiction does not seem does not feel bad for what he is doing for what the person dies of living he does not settle inside the question is important to ask yourself to you after listening to all your videos do you believe that someone who is addicted can be cured of this can stop his addiction

[@Samantha-vd8jc]

I found your video trying to seek advice. I was just starting to write a lengthy comment, but I'll spare you the details. Is it wrong of me to not allow a newly formed relationship between my addicted mother and my children?.. Its been four years since she's been around and I know she is using. She's offended and hurt. I'm just trying to think of what's best for my children, some have never met her. It's really not a door I want to open. She's hurt that I would see her as a "threat" when in reality Its the environment that's clinging to her that I would rather spare my children from. Am I in the wrong here?..

[@PutTheShovelDown]

It depends on whether or not you thinking having a relationship with your mother will be harmful for them.

[@lynyeliga5251]

Very smart! Stay safe, the mental brain is fragile in children, do not go there.you don’t need to have trauma child behavior happening, it will be there forever.

[@Mz.Scarlett]

My son married to a woman in Oct who is a acoholic and a meth user….and two of her kids 25 and 22 live with her and they smoke meth with her! She throws my son out like every three weeks when he gets in her shit about it! He claimes he loves her and can’t live without her🙄….bad bad situation….I don’t know what to say to him…I’m 71 he’s 54…and of 10 days ago he moved in with me

[@lynyeliga5251]

Keep him there,counselling!!!!!!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Try not to let the chaos of that situation sneak into your house!

[@Mz.Scarlett]

He goes to counseling but I don’t know if he tells his therapist about her and her kids…he’s broken-hearted because she threw him out…I told him it’s because he is in the way…without him there she can drink and use and doesn’t have to sneak or hide…I’m exhausted from their roller coaster ride 😵‍💫

[@Mz.Scarlett]

@@PutTheShovelDown OMG he called and said she was going to talk to her kids, and he is planning on going back to her😔….she has 2 domestic violence charges against him and one more he goes to prison….her daughter and 3friends OD’d the other day and the paramedics had to narcan them several times….I’m wore out with worry! Seriously I’m so tired…I’m 71 and to old for the crazy crap…she drinks like a pint of whiskey a day the smokes meth and get violent then my son will join in and drink a 6-12 pack and the shit goes south…she’ll spit on him call him a pussy, says he’s to needy, calls him a bitch bla bla bla the he goes off and tears the house up destroying things…she calls the cops and thus the 2 dv charges…the last time he grabbed her face and poured the whiskey over her head and told her he was going to shove the “glass dick” (aka meth pipe) down her throat….I’m just in tears…I really don’t know what to say or do anymore….

[@lynyeliga5251]

Love doesn’t suffer.your heart should not hurt. Is it codependency?help you son , the sun will shine on him soon when he gets rid of the black hole in his heart . The kids a re not helping, your son is the candy man. And she will find another candy man , stay safe , praying for your son .

[@bhrismaw-q]

What if you don't trust the police, like seriously.

[@rafaelaruiz8825]

Addicted people reallly suck!

[@michelecrouse5284]

he said i married wrong man i should have married a Mormon.....

[@PutTheShovelDown]

That's a sneaky way of trying to put it back on you.

[@lorimcdevitt1506]

I get told similar. I am now getting told that when he was making really good money MANY years ago, I stuck around. My retort is that he spent SO MUCH MONEY gambling, how could that be true. And I was working full time and living on my own…how could that possibly be true??? He made me out to be a gold digger, but I retorted back that he had nothing…no car, no assets, etc. if anything, HE was the gold digger.