HOW TO TALK TO AN ADDICT IN DENIAL (my SECRET FORMULA that works every time!)

[@erinmacadams8677]

Thanks!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're the best Erin. I truly appreciate all your generosity and support!

[@hopkins-mccoy5259]

You are doing the lord's work for families suffering. God Bless

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Awww, thanks Lawanda! You're the sweetest

[@PutTheShovelDown]

🔔To learn more about HOW TO MOTIVATE SOMEONE TO TAKE STEPS TOWARD RECOVERY, watch this next: 👉 kzbin.info/aero/PLaaJWwIpP_zYtiUsXjYwB-GJEy2iJ24a4

[@alyssa5494]

I just found you like just now. KZbin how to deal with an alcoholic husband. This is my life. 17yrs with it. 4 kids and an alcoholic. We both are hanging on by a thread. I'm all about what you're sharing. I've been to all kinds of "helpful" places for years and have not heard the truth/ hope/tools that "hit the nail on the head" like what I've heard from you. Thanks for doing this! This is real!

[@Letthefinbegin]

Thank you so much for doing your videos!!! Life savior!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Happy to help!

[@brendareed5050]

I think it’s harder for parents to rebuild trust, not impossible, but harder. They typically know their kid better and they are the ones who their kid hurts, lies and steals from. It becomes more personal for parents, and somehow I think we need to try to figure out how to not take it personally. Having said that, this video is very helpful and appreciated.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

For sure!!!!! There is so much personal feeling and water under the bridge, that it's WAY hard to pull this kind of thing off. I honestly don't expect families to be able to do this for substantial amounts of time, but maybe use these techniques here and there when they get the opportunity. It's hard for me to do some of these things and I'm an outsider.

[@timvr3189]

Little foot nursery essentials reborn

[@aaggie1573]

Amber, do you have any videos where you discuss when an addict says they want to quit, may stop for a while but then goes back to using? My boyfriend recently told me he lost his drive to stay sober, which it always comes back, but I'm not sure I can stick around much longer. Trying to figure out if he really truly wants to get sober. I know it's hard for him and I've been sympathetic and supportive along the way but I also have to look out for my well-being.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi AAngie, take a look at this video. It's about the Stages Of Change: kzbin.info/www/bejne/gZ2QoWqOn6iCodU

[@tammierusby444]

I agree about doing what's right for you. I've learned you can't change someone or convince someone they have a problem and being with someone in denial about alcoholism is very difficult and stressful on the both of you. I had to walk away from a relationship because of that. I feel I did what's right for me. I grew up with an alcoholic father, brother and married a man with drug and alcohol problems and walked away 8 years ago. I understand the life with an alcoholic and someone who Is recovering and I don't want that life again. I have been very supportive and have tried to be understanding and I've tried to help him. I'm not getting through and I'm emotionally exhausted I am doing what's right for me.thank you for this video.

[@LisaNEdwards]

thank you Amber, great to learn a little more about you today, you started with your own story, not sure I have heard you say that before, and then read the story in the description in the video. So happy I found your channel and appreciate your advice more than you will ever know xx THANK YOU!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Awwww, thanks Lisa.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Super video! I applauded for $5.00 👏👏

[@kendraharris1194]

This information is great i must say. As a recovering addict I have also found that if anyone has been in a bad relationship ever in your life, Then you can fully understand where an addict is coming from and ways to help. Being an addict is the same as being in a bad relationship . You must get the addict to see how bad the relationship with the substance has become. Just A little advice from me, a recovering addict. Best of Luck everyone

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Great advice Pandora's Box. You're exactly right about addiction being like a bad relationship. Great metaphor Thanks for leaving your feedback.

[@carieluce8409]

Amber once again you nailed it!!! I have been in denial on anorexia and alcoholism. My hope is I can reach out to others as well. I'm a optician as my work but I want to reach put on the personal advice.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

That's wonderful, Carie! You'll be helping people see more clearly in two different ways😀

[@carieluce8409]

@@PutTheShovelDown and the one thing is I hope no one thinks this is all like a accident knife cut while cooking. It does t heal in 2 weeks. It is much deeper. And as you said admitting it is the hardest part of the battle! And the wanting to change. Than realizing the grass is better on the other side.

[@SarieGal444]

When having a relationship with an addict, what would recommend on how to address how their actions effect their loved ones lives around them? Without being offensive towards them.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Honestly, I wouldn't focus on getting them to acknowledge how their behavior affects others. They'll just be defensive. I'd focus on getting them to recognize and do something about the problem. If they'll address the issue, they'll be able to see how their actions affect others.

[@abdul-raheemmuhammad6409]

@@PutTheShovelDown Hmm...

[@LibraryLearningMom]

?? Do you have any suggestions of how to casually bring up the topic in conversation when my AH does not talk about it at all? He hides his gambling from me, and avoids talking about it entirely. TY!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Take a look at this video. I think it might help. It's about how and when to confront: kzbin.infomPzN5zJ98yU

[@thewaterycrab5216]

I love you. Thank you so much for your advice. I am trying to help my boyfriend, as I see no future for us if he continues drinking. He turns into an absolute monster and even gets scary, hailing Satan and just acting crazy. I'm at my wits end but i don't want to give up on him. Thanks for taking the time to help so many people in serious need.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

My pleasure. I'm so glad you found this helpful

[@Alphacentauri819]

Make sure you don’t betray yourself, your needs and boundaries in the process. Take yourself equally into consideration.

[@wendywhite9897]

It's so hard to be a listener with my daughter because most of what she says is lies!!??

[@KimberlyMack2005]

I can empathize with you , my son is the same way . 🙏🏻❤️

[@donnarose440]

Brother in Law , Alcohol addict (bad shape) and Sister. Trying to help both, but I'm mostly helping sister deal but I feel I'm abandoning my brother in Law.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Helping your sister will probably also help your brother-in-law.

[@joleencox5900]

Listening to this was just genius! It made so much sense!! But I have a question, I can see how well this worked being you qere talking to someone that you didn't know, but how could u use amy of these methods towards my fiance after 10 yrs together? I can't just "act" interested now after he knows I haven't been for all these years... any advice?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Smart thinking, and good question. I have a couple thoughts about that. My first thought is that people really liked to be listened to so much that they'll like it regardless. My second thought is this... If you think they'll be suspect, then tell them that you regret not being a good listener (or supporter) in the past, and that you're trying to do better. They will love this! Just saying that will make them feel more understood instantly.

[@joleencox5900]

@@PutTheShovelDown omg, u r a genius!! If I apologize for not being supportive in the past he will open up to me!! Thank you so much! I've been watching your videos non stop and I absolutely love your approach! You are the first person that has actually helped me understand addiction and all that goes along with it! I'm so happy I found you, I finally have hope again.

[@jodypixley6683]

You are so right . I'm haveing to be very calm interested without asking questions . Let him talk and anything he talks about doing I'm sure to even offer some little something from the shed to help with the job or call and ask if he had a good day at work and listen to any thing I can say something positive .offer a ride to his job if for some reason his ride might not happen . Building trust back is so important to me to be able to help him .I've been asking him to help me by going to go to the store for me due to bad winter weather .I want him to feel needed and appreciated .and yes I really needed the help my car is broken . And I will continue to ask him for help if he can . It has been much better the last 2 weeks doing these things that you talk about . Thank you for stopping me on the spin cycle and giveing me some thing simple to work with that means so much to my addict and me .Going to stay useing this no matter the situation .

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Awww thanks for sharing that Jody! It warms my heart to know that you guys are making progress. 🥰🥰🥰🥰

[@KyleTO7]

The kids only smoking weed?

[@kayeanthony5467]

I don't feel so alone listening to these videos I have an adult daughter who has a mental illness and alchol problem who is spiralling down the dark hole with no brakes and I have been getting caught in the whirlwind.

[@Jen543]

Please help with some advice . I have a young man friend of my family who has begun of Life of drugs and alcohol. His mother was an addict and has since passed away because of it. I worry that he is going down the same road. Everyone around him just gets angry that he will not work so he lies easily.. I would like to somehow encourage a better lifestyle for him. He is always asking everyone for money, myself included, and I do not know how to say no and encourage a better lifestyle. I simply tell him that I do not have money. I would like to tell him about how much more there is to life but I do not know how without being the bad guy. What can I say when he asks me for money? How can I encourage him to live his life?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Jennifer, I think the best method for moving someone toward recovery is the CRAFT method. Here's a video on that subject, in case you'd like to learn more. kzbin.info/www/bejne/jYWbqqqEZ9Rnarc

[@bonniebarnekow1415]

My son is 42 years old and refuses help. Says he doesn’t need help, and he can. Just stop. He never quite .

[@ShawnLangSells]

This is a great story, however the issues with us addressing our adult addict child or someone we care about is that we already have a relationship and in most circumstances by the time we are here looking for advice our relationship is probably pretty well strained. How can we take this information and apply it in a way that we can rebuild our relationship to get them to this point of trust?

[@allisonfranks661]

Thank you sincerely for your much needed information. Dealing w recovering heroin addict who has become alcoholic. Has been diagnosed 2x w borderline personality disorder. Major problem is only support system I have is spiritual help--all family members dead including parents, sibling, aunts, uncles, everybody except mentally ill son who lives in boarding home situation. He is bipolar and recovering cocaine addict Single mom from ages 10 and 1 year old Older mother when I had them--72 now, was 32 and 41 at their births Have greet guilt about their outcomes in life I'm not addict, but do smoke cigarettes and sometimes pot due to pain from 2 ruptured discs. No alcohol Worked 50 years as sw and retired 11/2 years ago due to health issues. I'm so tired and quality of life Sucks Don't have guts for tough love Just suffering daily w no qualify of life at all.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Allison, seems like you’re sort of blaming yourself because your son developed an addiction. In our office, we see people from really great families every day. I can promise you that just because your son developed an addiction doesn’t mean you did something wrong. Addiction happens to good people from good families all the time!

[@triciasimon283]

But… but …what to do if your spouse says “ don’t go there!” This comes after I verbally acknowledging how quickly he drinks… like a bottle of wine in a hour. I don’t know where to begin cause this pattern started decades ago and until we both retired I had no idea what had gone on. Life was full and now it’s slower! Wow the amount of alcohol and money! And I don’t know how that stop this! For 45 years I thought what I saw was normal. Now that I see the beginning of the day, the middle of the day and the end I see a awakened and different scenario! Where do I go now?😢

[@seanhorn2227]

I was plotting this brief comment on what drives drug use/abuse, especially at early encounters, blabity, blabityblah..... How come you never talked to me like this? Is it because I don't reside in the state of your licensure, doc? Lol:) Obsessive behavior is our milieu! Mine, anyhow; and I believe I'm a decent representation of THIS particular demographic..... the one to which I am refering..... savvy? Still sorry about the pizza hut.... always felt like it blocked us off somehow... Anyways, there are ALOT of things that slip my mind between reunions and funerals, however my 'familia absentía' does not. ....ever... Someday I'll have enough for ketchup;)

[@SandraGarrett-t3w]

Great advice and healthy tools.

[@maryannekendall3344]

Amber, Isn't there a problem with parents fulfilling this role? I mean, afterall, there is a history with parents that can include things like resentment, guilt, a failure of obligation to respect your parents and the shame involved there. Dont these things have to be resolved before we can just play therapist?

[@harmony3395]

What when they trust you and you’ve both discussed the dangers of addiction and the response is, I know, but it’ll be fine ... I’ll be okay

[@LynnsWorld13]

How can I tell when I’ve earned the trust of my loved one through text messages?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

They'll seem more open to engaging in conversation. They may reach out more often or talk longer. Basically, they'll begin to enjoy conversing with you.

[@LynnsWorld13]

@@PutTheShovelDown Thanks for the information.

[@Albert-zh6ps]

My crack addict sister showed up on my door yesterday wanting “out”…what do I do?!?!

[@forest1butterfly]

You have pretty hair. Smart too. Great teacher.💯

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Wow, thanks, thanks, and thank you! 😁😁😁💝

[@teresapesamino]

Love how very detailed you are. Very authentic I thank you just started viewing your videos.looking forward to going through your program

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks for your kind feedback, Teresa! I'm glad you found us. ❤️️ Did you find us on KZbin or did someone tell you about the videos?

[@teresapesamino]

Put The Shovel Down I have only watch 2 videos I was trying to educate myself and stumbled across your video after watching a few. You are excellent in what you deliver. I can’t wait to go through all your videos. I applaud you i’m based in Australia 🇦🇺. Thank you beautiful

[@328Fairy]

This is truly amazing but I wonder...do you have advice on how to apply any of this to someone using hard drugs? Weed will cause issues for someone but no where near what meth is doing to my sister. Not only is she full on in addiction with meth, she is withering away and experiences a lot of psychosis, so gaining her trust isn't working as she is paranoid all the time. Thank you for any tips.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks Valerie! This tactic works with pretty much any type of addiction. The only caveat would be if someone is experiencing psychosis. If someone is in that state they're not rational. Psychosis requires medical intervention.

[@p8467]

This worked for me UNTIL I started getting help from the alcoholic's family. I couldn't handle it alone, I need(ed) help dealing with the TRUTHS that came out. The walls came up hard. I feel like any trust that was built was a step forward. But, now it's totally gone. These videos are wonderful, I'm so grateful for what you're doing here. What do you do when this happens?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi P, Are you saying that you told the person's family about the problem, and how the alcoholic person is angry with you for telling?

[@sarakyoder-flowers9105]

Been watching these videos and I love them. My stepson is an addict to drugs and alcohol. He is 20 yrs old and has been doing this since he was 15 yrs old. We didnt know how bad he was till he broke up with his girlfriend and moved back home. We got him into rehab for 30 days, he came out great, with in 2 weeks he was doing drugs again, then drinking. He spends all his money on drugs. He lives with his mom, shes the enabler. My husband and I have no control on things. So how does one deal with an addict that lives with another parent?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

That’s a tough situation. There’s not a lot you can do if there is still a parent enabling. You’ll have to start with getting the patent to see the problem, but that’s tricky. You can’t try and force them to see it. The more you push the more they’ll be in denial. If you look at my videos on motivating someone to change and dealing with denial, you can use those suggestions on the parent. That’s the place to start.

[@sarakyoder-flowers9105]

@@PutTheShovelDown do you have a video that helps with one parent thats an enabler, where the addict lives, and one that is not an enabler, addict doesn't live with.

[@susannekammerer438]

@@PutTheShovelDown Hi Amber, thanks so much for your videos I am exactly in the same situation like Sara: my son (doing heroine and benzos) is living with his father who is totally enabling him - my son is just hanging around for 2 years..,I try to get him into rehab - he is in denial and I am always the "bad guy" and of course he has to take drugs because I ended the marriage ! It would be great to have a video on this difficult situation, with one parent being an enabler! thanks in advance Susanne (from Germany)

[@michelecrouse5284]

thank you Amber I have kearney sooo much in one day ....about addiction and be ready and smart saving myself.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I'm so glad this has been helpful for you! Thank you for your kind feedback.

[@janicepauley429]

These steps have helped me so much. Thank you. Yes building trust is essential. Love the freedom of having the casual approach. I always thought I have to be professional. Being authentic …being me…has always worked best in sessions with my clients.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Yay! I love it. 🤩 It seems like they try to teach you to be a blank slate in counseling school, but in my experience, that's the worst! People want to talk to other REAL people. I think being overly professional makes people feel intimated. I'm with you 100%! In fact, I occasionally throw in a curse word or two so that people know I'm not uptight and they can talk freely.

[@paulacate448]

👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻Useful strategies. I am saving this one!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Awesome sauce!!!

[@hopkins-mccoy5259]

Me too.

[@KarlaMcNeese]

I loved this, thank you for sharing. I'm working towards my MA in addictions counseling. I look forward to watching more of your videos.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

That's wonderful. Welcome to our little community! P.S. love your profile name! 🤩

[@LibraryLearningMom]

How would you start a conversation with a spouse in denial who won’t talk about their gambling problem? Anytime I have tried to bring it up in the past (nicely, but not perfectly with all I know now), I get defensiveness or outright denial. Thank you!

[@ALLOrganizedNow]

Amber, is this technique based on your personal experience or is it taken, in part, from a best practices evidence based approach to dealing with an addict in denial. No judgement, you seem like a very competent professional but I am curious what the clinical standard is and if the method is taken from it. There are a lot resources out there on this topic, it's hard to know which ones are trustworthy. That is why an evidence based approach is meaningful to me personally.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

A little bit of both. Part experience and part Motivational Interviewing (which is a best practice for dealing with people in denial)

[@ALLOrganizedNow]

@@PutTheShovelDown Wow, thanks so much for the fast reply. It helps. I hope you will consider including this type of information inside the video in the future. The internet is full of opinions and we all know the saying about opinions. lol *stink face*

[@masirasyed1599]

May Allah bless you more and more Aameen , your knowledge is so beneficial, thank you so much ❤️

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thank you for your kind words and support Masira!

[@Bob-zu2li]

I fall in love with this man that his entire family involved in gangster world. His entire family all take drugs tho 🙂😢

[@tanjameijer589]

This way get used here so much that 99%, give it a wall and act from point 3 get almost oscar acters. To the point that it is really scary. So don't use it to much is also so importeert

[@sheilascruggshayes6265]

please help me with direct with my adult son jail and mental health issues all his life I am a 👩

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Sheila, I'm so sorry to hear about your son. It's just heartbreaking.

[@JohnSmith-yo3gh]

Without a dislike button, how does anyone know if this is good or terrible advice?

[@catlaw4466]

Unfortunately, none of this works with a BPD Or NPD or SPD or PBD child. 😞

[@crobinson9165]

Hi amber, my loved one stopped hiding his addiction from me. He knows it's a problem but seems to have given up. I guess he trust me enough to be open about it. But NOW I'm overwhelmed because I'm seeing things I was not ready to see. I don't see him actually use but since I know anyway I see him and his friends high behaviors. Freaked me out to say the least. We need a video on what to do when they stop hiding it. I shouldn't go into detail but I was completely unprepared for the ugly truth

[@crobinson9165]

Ps my loved one feels closer to me and I don't want to overreact

[@susansage7218]

I can’t help but wonder how you get them to put the phone down.

[@forest1butterfly]

Is there a way to text you, call you privately?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Sherri, you can email me at [e-mail]

[@indrachannels]

Do you have a training program for counselors ?

[@markcarter2037]

If you wanted to diagnose me I would love to talk to you

[@doctordove]

Excellent!

[@susansage7218]

Great tips, thank you!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Most welcome, Susan!

[@MaMoNa752]

Where are you guys located?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Magdalena, We are in Greenville, South Carolina.

[@jessicabarber5835]

Basically listen to them.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

It goes a long way!

[@alittlesouthwindfarm3074]

This is hard to do.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

It sure is!

[@Lolikuki-g3]

This is golden info

[@mistyfinney5292]

Much love ❤

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Back at ya, Misty! 🥰

[@Lolikuki-g3]

This is great.

[@maryrentscher2316]

I like what I'm learning here. Thank you!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Glad you enjoy it!

[@heidileekim784]

What is the literal meaning of the ‘put the shovel down’ ?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Put The Shovel Down is a recovery saying meaning, "You hit your bottom when you put the shovel down". Basically it means you can decide to stop whenever you want. You don't have to "hit bottom".

[@SpiceCDivorcePartyPlannerShow]

I would love to have you as a guest on our show.