This is Why Avoidants Won't Say I Love You | 4 Reasons

[@roshalllambert]

Thais being extremely accurate with her content here as usual!! each and every point is bang on! (Meanwhile I am internally thinking I have not even said I love you to my family members loll!)

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@mdmcpherson8574]

Yeah good luck getting compliments and words of affirmation also

[@HunnyBee23]

Yes! I call him handsome, sweet man, dearest, and hun all the time! He hasn’t hardly called me “cute” in a year and a half. The closest I’ve gotten to a compliment he’s said “your hair is one of your best features.” Only because I joked about shaving it off.

[@23384linda]

I know! He once said that he wouldn't be in a relationship with someone wasn't attracted to, though, and I guess that's the closest I get to a compliment:)

[@petermilne1203]

I’m like this! I find it almost impossible to say. I need to feel that i really feel it and so I think it’s dishonest to say I love you if I don’t feel it at that moment. Do people feel “I Love You” all the time?

[@itsspoodini]

Depends on the person as some can become more secure and learn to be more vulnerable

[@petermilne1203]

I wonder if, as an FA, I’m maybe incapable of feeling true love and, b’coz for me honesty is hugely important, I feel this as a major block. It makes me feel not normal, which is not very healthy.

[@jrr4475]

I don't think my ex was a DA, but he did have that idea of "I'm only going to say 'I love you' to a person I'm confident I could marry one day". In my opinion, he had this concept of love that was like a fairytale. I just couldn't agree with his concept of love at all. When he wouldn't say 'I love you' to me, I felt I had no choice but to break up with him, because it was important for me to hear those words.

[@baberkhan7366]

And the more you express a need for love or support, the more they make you feel like shit for it

[@JDoomhauer87]

I feel like “perfect” for a DA is like having unrealistic expectations that can never actually be met. They like to stay out of reach for fear of being hurt. Words of affirmation is my love language, it was not for the the DA woman I was seeing.

[@worldwidechubbyguy2.018]

what i know is we give so much leniency and leeways to avoidants and it is just now that i realize that somehow THEY should be fixing their own mess too. It's very hard, anxiety inducing, stressful, time consuming, inconvenient to always be the one to understand them. I mean on this channel alone I would say only 5 percent are avoidants initiating improving themselves. The rest are either their partners or anxious ones trying to understand someone avoidant who is a part of their lives.

[@Kirivon]

The blunt reality is that most anxious preoccupied should leave their anxious partners. In most cases it is the anxiously attached who is chasing their avoidant partner, and the one who chose them in the first place. The avoidant in the relationship probably already has their needs fully met and thus does not perceive a problem with the way things are, up until the anxious starts initiating conflict around their own unmet needs which will prompt them to run rather than trying to fix the relationship. Avoidants end up with anxious types because they, like anyone else, have needs for love and intimacy and anxious partners are generally the only ones who will try to navigate through their maze to give it to them. Anxious preoccupieds on the other hand, are drawn to avoidants precisely because they trigger their core wounds. The avoidant's unavailability mirrors that of their own caretakers in childhood and thus feels comfortable and familiar. Plus they are drawn to the mystery, allure, and independence of the detached partner. So, since it is the anxious preoccupied that choses to pursue and stay with their anxious partner it is mostly up to them to understand the partner they chose if they want to force the relationship to work. In the end it's kind of unfair to continually choose someone you know won't meet your needs, then make it their fault for not meeting them. It's like if you needed a pickup truck to haul lumber, but you think pickups are boring and unsexy, so you insist on buying convertibles instead then complain that they aren't good for hauling lumber.

[@CSG1994]

@@Kirivon I agree to your comment. I was an anxious preoccupied dating an avoidant, he wanted to stick around cause he never had someone care for him as much as I did after his only long term ex who he dumped cause she was ‘too much’ & ended up missing her throughout our situationship. Thankfully I enrolled myself in PDS and realized it early on that he was a dismissive avoidant and I attracted him because of my core wounds and the more I would stick around, he would validate my insecurities and I would be miserable. I became so much more secured through the journey when I learned his behaviors were a reflection of his pain and not my problem. A month ago I said enough is enough and I left him, he wanted to be friends and I said no. It was such a hard thing to do as I’ve always been a people pleaser/anxious all my life. It’s true that they do hold a mirror reflecting our insecurities and we think we can ‘fix’ them. Fixing/mothering is not love-it’s trauma bond. I have so much compassion for the anxious/secure people who just want to love avoidants but it can ONLY work if they want to and the hard truth is they do not want to in most cases because they find anxious partners who are willing to give up on their needs to meet the partners needs. The biggest gift we can give to ourselves and them is to leave them alone, it can benefit healing on both ends or at least ours. 🤍

[@worldwidechubbyguy2.018]

@@Kirivon it always takes two (or many, choose your battles lol) for a partnership to tango. While it is not the avoidant's responsibility (for anyone's in that matter) to meet the other's needs, they should "add up" to the other's happiness, and vice versa. Anxious people are insecure too, and they themselves have their own wounds to heal, but because they somehow end up with avoidants, that process of healing halts and they give space to understand the avoidants. My point is, while the anxious will take time to understand avoidants, avoidants do not. Even the fact of opening this up to avoidants should be carefully done or else they will deactivate. Leaving the avoidant will ultimately be helpful for the anxious, but the anxious, being them, cannot leave the avoidant because at the end of the day they always want to help. Sometimes it is not even the fear of abandonment but just the mere thought of caring for their partner "who's gonna love them when the novelty's over". And yes that's an anxious wound. i'm saying its unfair and there is no way to navigate that without the anxious putting more effort to understand and navigate through the avoidant hehe also i don't think avoidants already have their needs "met." Even secure ones have unmet needs so I'm not sure how you think that. And its not as if the anxious "chose" the avoidant. its a relationship, they chose each other ultimately, and even that, it is somehow the anxious that will open up the "defining the relationship" phase.

[@worldwidechubbyguy2.018]

@@sunbeam9222 lmao true, your comparison is on point! they act like children

[@cocomac3546]

@@Kirivon holy cow. Yes. Yes. Yes.

[@maximustruth9547]

Mine told me she loved me once in 36 years and two children after she had a bottle of beer. The very next morning when I drove us to work, she acted as if I were her Uber driver. I was stunned. Now I know any accidental touch or expressed empathy results in soon-to-follow whiplash in the precise opposite direction. How comforting.

[@alainpatry]

My avoidant partner would not say I love you to me while we were in a relationship but instead constantly asked if I loved her. A question instead of an affirmation. But once the relationship had ended she started to say it. I guess at that point I was at a safe distance and it didn't feel scary for her to say it anymore. I have definitely enjoyed hearing it, regardless. Lol

[@julzluvzdollz]

@@sunbeam9222lol 😂

[@meeraraj0]

Hey what to do except laugh😂

[@isocomfort4592]

@@sunbeam9222 🤣😅🤣

[@ruthr8990]

They started loving you when you have detached! It happened to me: the first time I heard my name called when I have detached and left already😅😂

[@ccbowden19]

As an FA, I rarely say it myself so I agree with the assessment about us. It feels very foreign because I didn’t hear it or say it growing up. And, because I understand how tough it is to do, I don’t hold it against my DA that he doesn’t. I know he loves me through his actions and he always says it back when I do say it first. It would be nice for him to initiate it first but, hey, I’m being patient with him just like he’s been patient with me lol

[@corihardy22]

This is what you should be focused more on and putting your energy towards instead of making yourself look like an idiot

[@ccbowden19]

@@corihardy22 yea, you need help. You sifted through old videos to find my specific comments instead of just taking accountability for yourself and be done with it. Not once have I resorted to insulting you with name calling either. This comment is absolutely beautiful to me (Fyi, he initiated telling me he loved me 2 weeks ago 😉) and I’m proud of the work both me and my partner have done and continue to do. You can’t and won’t make me feel ashamed about anything I’ve chosen to be vulnerable about. Lastly, fyi, I’m pretty good at multitasking so, while I can put my energy into this, I can also put some energy into pointing out your contradictory statement as well. Bless.

[@Luluplaysss]

Was with my ex for 4yrs and never once did he say I love you. When I say it to him he would say I hear you or act like he didn’t hear me say it. When I asked him did he love me his response would either be I care about you or I don’t like to talk about my feelings… 😢

[@lmart16]

As an FA, I can say I love you even as a joke and to people I don't even know - but if I really love you in seriousness then it's more like, I'm IN love with you. DAs say I like you and never apologize.

[@Mermaid03_03]

I’m an FA and love to say and hear it. I was with a DA for 3 years and he never said it. Once he said it to someone about me in my presence jokingly “I love her…”. Funny that he always implies I love him.

[@dannycolwell8028]

My AA/FA has been in serious therapy for over a year now. She says I love you maybe once a week, and I can see in her face and body language how hard it is. I try and remember that when she makes fun of me for being bald that’s her easy way of telling me I’m handsome and she loves me.

[@Twighlight333]

Dated two dismissive avoidants and they both complimented me a lot but as far as using the word love it’s the hardest word for them to say, it’s too much

[@ES-kg3vi]

Mine goes one step further and tells me any time we have a conversation that's difficult in the slightest that he doesn't care about me. He says it as calmly as saying if he was saying that the sky was blue. Then he says we should break up. I tell him that I'm sad about that, but I can't force him to be with me. I give him his space. Then we barely talk for a few days - even though we live together. Then he starts doing things for me and coming back around, and finding ways to be kind, without actually taking back that he said he doesn't care about me. I have no idea if what he's saying is true, and he's doing these things out of guilt, or if what he says is just what he wants to believe, because it's safer if true - hoping I'll leave him and affirm his beliefs about relationships. We are currently in the shittiest part of the cycle. He broke up with me again 2 days ago, after cancelling our plans to go to a bar with his friends, and I expressed my disappointment. This is, honestly, a nightmare. The silver lining is that I'm basically an unofficially trained psychologist now, after all the research I've done into why these things keep happening. At this point, I know what he's going to say before he even opens his mouth. I fear that I'm starting to become avoidant like him though. Which I do not want at all.

[@chiaraA.]

the lacking in ability to communicate during those difficult times where you somehow must ride it out and where it's all in the court of the DA is what I would find to be a real cruelty that no one should have to put up with - and then it's likely that no actual discussions can take place even months later - the building pile of toxic garbage based on confusing and hurtful behaviors has got to crush even the strongest of people - no one should sacrifice themselves just to stay in some relationship, any relationship

[@Elizalustof]

I dated a guy I thought was the one for 3 years and he could never look me in the eye and say how he felt and made our relationship so uncomfortable and frustrating. If I said I love you he’d say “I know you do”. He may have been a DA - at the time I thought he was doing it on purpose to hurt my feelings. This is a great video and has given me clarity ❤ thank you 🙏🏼

[@amberriley7633]

Honestly that sounds more like Autism

[@aliceinwonderland8904]

Why did this behaviour equate to you feeling like they were the one for 3 years?!

[@Zara19888]

My partner says it sometimes, but very rarely. He said it while being intimate once and to me that is such a vulnerable moment so I was shocked… but then he won’t say it back or he says “luv ya” .. he was leaving for an overseas holiday for a week and before his flight I msg him and wished him a safe flight and love you .. and he replied “cheers, flight doesn’t leave for a few more hours” .. I was like ok?! Hahaha but then other times he says it. I can’t figure it out. He’s massive dismissive avoidant. We have been together 2.5 years. One break after 3 months he said he was in love with me and he couldn’t handle it and broke up with me. Still tried to keep contact via memes though. After 3months he came back and I put a boundary up and said i won’t accept that again.

[@HydroFlask1]

Im DA, and my recommendation to anyone dating a DA is to: have patience WITH direction. Basically don’t tolerate the avoidance if it is harming you but see if they are also actually challenging themselves and be patient for them trying. HOWEVER please do not put up with excuses, DA might have similar tendencies but each individual is different. Some ppl are more aware than others, but overall please please don’t wait hand and knee for a DA if they aren’t trying. Also, another tip, if there is any escalation in arguements, take breaks. Like take time to calm down for both ends and touch base

[@baberkhan7366]

Yeah.. DAs don't 'touch base'.. they retreat and give you the silent treatment

[@r_and_a]

thank you for sharing your perspective as a DA 💜 i appreciate the compassionate insight thais shares but it's always extra nice to hear directly from DAs, especially as seems it's likely particularly challenging for y'all to open up about such stuff i struggle to balance offering "direction" without creating pressure, expectation or potentially setting them up to fail 🤔 i believe my DA loves me (they say it at times, though admittedly far less than i'd like) & they ask for guidance at times but doesn't feel like things changes & i worry as they've questioned before if they can something i've realised & try to remember, is how differently we experience things 🥴 as an FA i know my "emotional bandwidth" is too intense for most, especially my DA, & they feel like they do a *lot* more of what i request than i do partly because our baselines are world's apart in the years we've known each other, there's really only been a few arguments (likely partly as we're long distance so sorta easy to take breaks instead of escalate which they're particularly good at 😉) but i'm always so grateful & proud when they ask to change the topic &/or stay rather than withdrawing

[@ruthr8990]

I don’t. I move on once I decide he is a project and Life is hard enough!

[@gutsandgrittv5076]

If a DA ex loves you, does that feeling they have ever fully disappear and if they did love you once, will they likely come back?

[@HydroFlask1]

@@gutsandgrittv5076 I think, as someone with dismissive avoidance attachment style, that I can still very much love my ex. But I also know that the love we had/relationship we had wasn’t healthy because in the relationship itself, we triggered each other a lot. The best thing I think we did for each other is part ways, we have an unspoken understanding. But it ultimately depends on each person and where they’re at in their journey of self healing. I still score dismissive, but I’m with a much kinder partner, and I notice a lot of instances where in the past I WOULDVE been triggered, but I’m not because of the self work I did myself, and it also helps that she’s a secure attachment. I think you can still love someone, even when you’re not together, and just because you’re not together doesn’t mean you don’t love them either. Sometimes, not being together can be the ultimate kindness for the other person. It’ll get better

[@fd9891]

My ex is DA for sure. I said I love you about a year in to it (which I thought was really long to say it) and he didn’t say it back. I didn’t wanna pressure him, but after 2 years, I decided to leave. I hope he gets therapy and heals but I can’t stay with someone who won’t meet my needs and was constantly hurting me.

[@PinkFlip23]

I am having the same issue. We have said it before, but he rarely says it. The last time he did he definitely felt uncomfortable. It has been a year and a half and I see him trying in other areas of our relationship. He seems to try on the I love you for like a day after we have a conversation then it’s back to not saying it. I don’t know how much more patience I have. He’s a really good and nice guy too, but the lack of intimacy and lack of needs being met is hard. The other frustration I have is I have worked so hard on myself in therapy and he seems stuck because of med school. I had anxious issues and I have serious abandonment issues, but I handle it all better now and even say I am secure now with a fear of abandonment(I know my abandonment issues won’t go away). And I still do the work because well I am here watching videos about DAs lol. I think school has delayed self development for him. I used to not communicate in relationships and now I am a master at it and I think that helps him improve in our relationship and I have seen some growth which is why I am still sticking around.

[@Katie8ginny]

When I asked my avoidant ex(who was really in love with me at the time) If he loved me, he replied‘I care for you’. Well, not bad but that’s the best you can get with an avoidant 😝

[@jessicajames45]

For me it’s hard to say I love you. About everything she said in the video is me. I’m guilty of saying I care about you better than the I love you. It’s easy to tell my family and friends I love you but in a serious relationship it’s hard. I do believe it’s because of my past abusive relationships.

[@jessicajames45]

For me it’s hard to say I love you. About everything she said in the video is me. I’m guilty of saying I care about you better than the I love you. It’s easy to tell my family and friends I love you but in a serious relationship it’s hard. I do believe it’s because of my past abusive relationships.

[@jessicajames45]

For me it’s hard to say I love you. About everything she said in the video is me. I’m guilty of saying I care about you better than the I love you. It’s easy to tell my family and friends I love you but in a serious relationship it’s hard. I do believe it’s because of my past abusive relationships.

[@jessicajames45]

For me it’s hard to say I love you. About everything she said in the video is me. I’m guilty of saying I care about you better than the I love you. It’s easy to tell my family and friends I love you but in a serious relationship it’s hard. I do believe it’s because of my past abusive relationships.

[@jessicajames45]

For me it’s hard to say I love you. About everything she said in the video is me. I’m guilty of saying I care about you better than the I love you. It’s easy to tell my family and friends I love you but in a serious relationship it’s hard. I do believe it’s because of my past abusive relationships.

[@cmiller415]

I am very much a DA. I didn’t really realize it until I was in my mid 40’s. I knew there was something off about the way I dealt with emotional intimacy but I didn’t know why. I’m not sure what the revelation was but I suddenly remembered one time when I was 4 years old, and I was holding my mothers arm (she was caring something heavy) and she said “don’t hang on me!” I was too young to rationalize it, to a 4 year old it was complete and total rejection. Then when I was about 13 I was visiting a family member in another State and I called home crying because I was homesick and she got REALLY angry (probably because she felt bad that there was nothing she could do about the situation). Those were the only two instances I can remember, I assume there were more. But it really messed with my head. My partner has been very patient and understanding while I’m working through these emotional traumas. I know that if my Mom had any idea that it was going to do permanent emotional damage she would have reacted differently.

[@arlandofuller925]

Thias Gibson, the avoidant Queen 😊

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

🤣

[@helsphoenix2623]

DA said he loved me once in the dating/honeymoon in a casual way, "I hate to love you and leave you but I do love you." I then went on to say it a bunch and he went on to show it through his actions and consistency of presence in my life. I feel like that first time he said it was probably a test before he attached. Once he actually did attach is when all the familiar push/pull dynamics started in. I feel like that's when you know they really do mean it, when they pull away. -__- I'm FA leaning secure and so I have an understanding of the need for space and always had an easier time dealing with it when it came up in DA partners. They'll either come around and call or they won't and that will be that. In the meanwhile, I've got a life to live.

[@ChauniB]

Why would an avoidant tell other people like mutual friends how they feel about someone and say they love you but hold it back from the partner? This happened to me…

[@katielacel6818]

Me too, his friends would tell me how much he loved me but he couldn’t say it to me. What a mind F!

[@chiaraA.]

happened to me in a way - mine was a brief relationship and the way I learned I had a boyfriend was when we were at a ski lodge and he told other people and I overheard it

[@tejraju]

I was a FA; said I love you around the 6th month. After nearly 2 years of a good-enough relationship, I got badly burned. And now I behave exactly the way Thais described a DA...the thinking process is spot on! I don't want to go through that pain again.

[@nicoleflusk5434]

My FA partner said I love you the first week we met. He told me he probably wouldn’t say it everyday but it doesn’t mean that his feelings changed. He said it a second time many months later after he withdrew for like the 4 th time and we stopped talking for a while because I just couldn’t handle it. I tried to get over him and see other people but it didn’t work out despite me dating a couple other guys for a while. In all honesty our connection and chemistry is pretty amazing. Unfortunately with all these feelings comes the big struggle with him deactivating. He has told me time after time he has never felt this way. Our bond is so strong that he gets scared. He deactives often which is so hard. I’m trying my best to learn everything I can to help our relationship but I know ultimately he has to work through things himself. He has also mentioned all the pressure not from saying I love you but because we are so close emotionally.

[@lolop.4346]

Brilliant! You just explained why my ex never said the words (during 10years+), though never admitting the avoidant style 🙄 + you are 100% right with the perfection quest...

[@TheAlixir]

I found this video About 8 months ago I googled why he didn’t respond when I first said “I love you”. That’s when i discovered attachment theory and styles. I joined PDS in September and it’s changed my life! Guess what…? Friday my DA told me he loves me! He actually couldn’t stop saying it as if he’s been wanting to for so long. I am so grateful for Thais and the courses at PDS. There is no way I would have found happiness with this DA without this information and personal work I’ve learned through PDS

[@kristoff99s]

What’s PDS?

[@Nayz1334]

Ego. They can't compliment partners because it takes away their power. They believe that they give their power away and be perceived as being weak for showing love and compassion.

[@ImAlicjaFrank]

A month ago he told me he loves me (after 5,5 years), he's showed his avoidant side since then, but not as much as before). He went on a business trip last week and he said "I miss you a little. It's boring being alone in such a beautiful city." That was 5-6 days ago. Now he's home and back to normal. I'm scared we might be back on square one. My FA side feels abandoned and afraid I'll be rejected if I bring up the subject, so just like I always do when he's quiet or go lukewarm (he's rarely completely cold these days) I prepare what I will say if he "dumps" me, or if I should leave Him. I had found a harmony in our relationship and knowing he didn't love me, so when he told me (spontaneously) that he does love me and completely spilled the beans about his fears, I started hoping and activating. Once again I feel like I'm the only active one and that he's somewhat deactivated. That scares me, cuz it makes me vulnerable, a sitting duck. I don't know what to do and how much of this is my avoidance overthinking and how much is his avoidance deactivating. I love him and I don't doubt that everything he said was true, but he found a new way of pushing me away, it feels like. And I started bringing up all the events of these 5,5 years, which he felt bad about and took as criticism. It might have been my way of pushing him away too. I've been terrified ever since he told me he loves me. 😕

[@gerardoh5365]

It is helpful to understand this. Thanks.

[@EvangelineMelody2]

I'm FA leaning anxious and say ily ALOT but I really do mean it. I feel like if I'm not constantly reminding people that i love them, then they'll leave me.

[@banshee3749]

For me as a DA it's the expectations, like if I say i love you, that means that I have to do everything for you and for eternity? If not, it seems too superficial. But I'm getting better at this now.

[@Leoo117]

My ex-wife used to say, "I love you sometimes". Although, she was the first one to ever say it. You really have to just let them come to you at their own pace and metaphorically keep your arms open to them. Thats likely how it will always be and the only way to not scare them off with discomfort.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thanks for sharing :)

[@SK-no2pp]

And she’s like your ex for a reason. It’s hard to have a fulfilling reciprocal relationship with them

[@Leoo117]

@@SK-no2pp That's true. I'd say it's hard when our own imperfections come up though. Things were great for a long time, but I started to become complacent for a while and felt a lack of motivation. Stopped courting her, I was offended easier and became angry faster. I stopped having fun. This stressed her out to the point of running away from what she believed to be the source of that stress, which was me. It was her romantic attraction that made it easy for her, but once that dissapated for a bit due to my complacency, it was too hard for her. Obviously that isn't right to leave just because we hit a low point for a little bit, but dismissive avoidant people have trouble handling imperfections from their mate. They don't have the capacity for it unless they do the work for it within themselves. Basically, if the secure person isn't holding it up, things will fall apart. I know that's messed up, but I can't complain, because I chose her and allowed her into my life. Not only did I notice the red flags, but she told me her issues before we got married. So I have to take responsibility for my decision there lol. Also, there were times when she over came her fear and actually apologized for her behavior once in a while, so she made a major effort in some regards for a dismissive avoidant. She wasn't all bad.

[@SK-no2pp]

@@Leoo117 In a relationship with an avoidant person, empathy can be a doorway to self-abandonment. You can understand someone, you can validate their past, you can accept who they are, but the moment your empathy becomes an excuse for their bad behavior, you're in the danger zone. We don't see the dysfunction in our relationships because it mirrors the dysfunction we grew up with. And we don't see the dysfunction we grew up with, because it's the only thing we ever knew. It’s familiar. Think back to your childhood and whether you have atleast one parent who was neglectful, abusive emotionally unavailable, or abandoned you. Parents are our first teachers of love- how to be loved, what love is, etc. Many people slowly realize that their attraction to romantic partners most resemble a negligent or abusive parent, and that they are only repeating the past in the present. Maybe this is what “love” looked like for you.

[@Leoo117]

@S K I definitely had at least one super irresponsible parent. Perhaps that affected me. Although, issues with my ex didn't feel normal to me at all. I acknowledged it, but I didn't like it. I just went forward thinking that I have the patience and the boundaries to handle anything. It was probably a bit of a prideful outlook now that I look back on it. I never excused her bad behavior. Honestly, I think I was too harsh and too firm and could have handled it with a bit more balance. The empathy and the understanding that you hear now, I had stopped showing. I think my main problem was just not accepting her as she was with all of her imperfections. I kept thinking that it was so easy to have a healthy relationship, so all she has to do was this or that like I do. Fully accepting that is who she is now, and that she will likely never change would have made things much easier on myself, and as a result, easier on her. Not that that means I would have excused her bad behavior, but I would have had more patience and a more balanced attitude when addressing it. She clearly didn't know how to properly show consistent love, but I did, and I held that back sometimes unnecessarily, which was basically me allowing myself to be influenced by her behavior, or thinking that was somehow the answer to everything. Anyway, I know things would be much easier with a secure person that isn't afraid of introspection, but I did come out of that relationship with things that I've learned from it.

[@spiritwanderer777]

I was told "I love you" and "I miss you" often, especially during deactivating pattern when they would emotionally and physically dettach for days with no communication and then a sudden "I miss you". Words mean nothing to me, it's all about actions. Show me you love, then tell me.

[@0Demiyah0]

My DA won't just say "I love you", but if we have a conversation about us he will definitely admit he is in love with me. He seems to struggle the most with his own assumptions around expectations and pressure. His flawfinding of perfection is mostly aimed at himself - he does not feel like he has all his ducks in a row, so he finds it unbearable to accept commitment (engagement/marriage) or understand I love him despite not everything is perfect. Even his mother asks when he will make that commitment to me. His family has been telling him to get engaged to me for the past 3 years. His reasons for not making a deeper commitment are typically very silly and fear-related. To me, it's both endearing and annoying. It's kind of flattering when someone feels so strongly that they get shy and want it to be perfect for you both, but it's also painstaking. So long I can see he's working on himself, loves and respects me, it's still good.

[@ania4683]

I am an FA and I have an extremely hard time to say "I love you". One reason is my childhood and family and another one is my first serious relationship with my first love. I thought we were so close and we loved each other so much just to break up, because he let his friend interfere into our relationship. In every following relationship my "I love you" would take longer and longer time to be expressed. Until I never did in the last one, but I also didn't feel emotionally safe enough to do it. I can't trust people's genuine intentions, because I know too well that people get involved in relationships for various reasons, not necessarily love. Plus people tend to express those words when they are in love - that is a fleeting state and not real love yet.

[@SamuelLetsch]

Do you know why I definitely know you are a FA? You blame others, have a victim mentality and refuse to take accountability…Please go to therapy and start looking at what part you play in it.

[@ania4683]

@@sunbeam9222 Money, power, prestige, stability, to finally settle down, for companionship, for sex... Probably I missed something still 😉

[@ania4683]

@@sunbeam9222 There's absolutely nothing wrong with ADDING UP all those things, when love is the main reason for the relationship 🙂

[@triplejmom7826]

My sister (da) & I an fa both waited until we were sure how we felt. Interestingly we both only told the men we ended up marrying “I love you” & we waited a very long time to say it as well. I did however, tell my now husband after a few months that I liked him a lot & that I liked him too much to just be friends.

[@disorder_go]

Mine said it all the time.

[@amberriley7633]

This! Honestly I feel like these videos are doing more harm than good, by over generalising DAs and making it seem like we are heartless monsters.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@juliegaudet7816]

​@amberriley7633 She said Generally. Good for you if your person does not have this problem.

[@nahomelion]

@@amberriley7633 she said generally. I've never seen Thais making exclusive claims about these things. You're just a hater

[@timelordthefirst4835]

Reason 3 👍 yep I had to say it A LOT!!!! Like more than most couples when I started asking around.

[@Cheryl9675]

My fearful avoidant man has NEVER given me a compliment unless it was regarding sex. When asked why he doesn't, he waved me off and said, "Girls are better at that stuff."

[@Michelle-qq4sd]

My DA said it over the phone in a non-direct way. He told me he told a friend you do such and such when you are in love. I was sooo confused. Wish I had this info sooner.

[@kristamartin186]

I've been casually seeing a DA for last several months and this evening he has told me he has met someone new...boom just like that its all over. Maybe i should be grateful i never told him i loved him and i've avoided more heartbreak. I wonder how long the new relationship will last 🤔

[@juliegaudet7816]

Yeah, run like Heck. Unless they are willing to work on themselves, it can be a constant push and pull or a Runner situation. They will run from themselves, their feelings, and their fears. They often run when they feel vulnerable. Not trying to generalize, but my experience is that the DA just runs from himself and runs towards another when their fears surface. It's not you. Take care of you. They will likely return as well, and act like nothing happened.

[@ES-kg3vi]

Don't feel bad. It'll only last a few weeks or months until that person, naturally, asks for some closeness. And then he'll try to find a way to escape that person, too.

[@juliegaudet7816]

@ES-kg3vi Exactly and then they Run back like nothing ever happened. Until they break the cycle, this can go on for yrs.

[@cocomac3546]

Woah, pretty harsh comments coming for DAs. It’s weird, none of what she said made me think DAs are having a good time let alone come from a good wholesome childhood. You may have been hurt by a DA but they are not having a party. Work on yourselves and don’t get into a relationship with a dismissive avoidant

[@amberriley7633]

@@sunbeam9222 this!! They purposely date people who trigger them, then stay & enable the bad behaviour and complain on the internet instead of being honest with their partner

[@mdmcpherson8574]

Often takes up to 3 months to assess someone being DA

[@MsGuitars666]

Yes Coco ☀️ exactly

[@DenSpirituelleTerapeut]

Thank you for this video. How Can we support the avoidant in feeling shame for sharing? How Can we help them heal? ❤

[@DanielleBaylor]

I'm hear to learn more about myself lol. I mean, I know these things inside, but I guess I'm just affirming myself. I'm not sure I understand the shame part, but I guess it makes sense. My "shame" feels more like regret, but specifically in my current relationship not in general. The rest is pretty spot on. Especially the expectations part... But this is because of the type of relationship I'm in as well.

[@douginny]

With a girl 7 weeks. We see each other 3 x per week. I left a great Friends With Benefits situation to be more deeply connected with another human being......this girl. She checks off so many boxes as to what I am looking for. I told her 1st that I felt I was falling in love with her. She said nothing. Then a few days later I told her I loved her. She did not say it back. The next day I told her I will never say that again. It is now a few weeks later and this really bothers me. I am coming off a 15 year abusive relationship with a narcissist and I am healed. So I am very sensitive to perceived emotional slights and disrespect. The weird thing is that in every other way she acts like she is in a normal loving relationship My patience is wearing out. Almost went out with another girl last night but was talked out of it by a close female friend. How long do I wait because I am staring to feel disrespected by this? She knows I love her. Tender moment in my car yesterday after a walk and she looked at me and said, "What?" I said, "I'm not gonna say it.". And again she said, "OK...."

[@ritabenavides1786]

He said , Just because I don’t say it doesn’t mean I don’t feel it. Two break ups and 5 years later, I just don’t like you. I’ve been destroyed

[@nahomelion]

Damn if only I had known about attachment styles when I was a teen, I would’ve had even more friends than I do now 😂

[@lsmith4597]

My experience was when i said it she didnt say it vocallyback insead said it with her eyes and a kiss then when i left text i love you but i can say we always have good comunication and disagree rather than argue and it does,nt last long however she gives me that smile and look and i kinda give in but in my experience she has always said im in it with you just let me get used to certain things im not used to someone been so attentive with me i do believe it is person to person and if the avoident is with the right person and that person understands them the avoident can be very attentive and intermate just takes time

[@timelordthefirst4835]

Thais.. can I ask you a question please? As a couple.. do you HAVE to do EVERYTHING together? Or can you do things separate? And I don't mean go out and flirt or cheat, I mean go out with family without your partner? Or once in a relationship.. you HAVE to do it as 1. Otherwise you don't love them.

[@theavastark6463]

You can be separate look into interdependence in relationships

[@grabbelton]

It is so empty and 1 dimensional . I'm starving, it's Spartan. It took all my strength and i am drained.

[@themanman165]

My ex would say I love you over text but rarely in person but my nickman was “love”

[@FM-iw9cp]

I'm probably a DA, and I know I cannot say "I love you" because I was so often rejected, very often. I know I will receive rejection if I try to say these words, in particular because of my huge physical defect.....

[@ShaneJoshua1980]

I'm really struggling with what kind of attachment style I have. I think I'm probably an anxious avoidant type. I ended a relationship a few weeks ago, I didn't love the woman I was dating so I never said it because it wasn't true, but I'm conflict averse and she'd say stuff that would upset me or cross my boundaries and I wouldn't say anything for fear of conflict. Anyway I wasn't happy but I was giving her leeway as her past relationships she wasn't treated very well. Then a minor to medium issue cropped up and I was like 'I don't have the emotional capacity for this.' Does that sound anxious avoidant?

[@janicesmith1956]

My husband never said those words even when dying. He did cheat on me years ago and he never ever said sorry either. Had two other men say that though. He never remembers being cuddled as a child. 7:57 7:58

[@cestlaguy]

Looking for some thoughts and opinions -- I was in a long term relationship with a DA. I absolutely loved him and our relationship... except for his avoidant tendencies that often stood in the way. Regardless, I loved him so unconditionally and truly supported him in so many ways. After the honeymoon phase wore off, he began to grow a fear of saying "I love you" and from his perspective he believed he didn't love me at all. He even had trouble telling me that he loved me as a person... The part I find hard to wrap my head around is that his actions proved to me that he loved me. I often go back to that saying "actions speak louder than words.." Often times you hear about people who are in relationships where their partner says all the right things but doesn't act in that manner. In my situation, my partner treated me with love but would never verbally express it. In your experience, or opinion, do you think this was a result of his avoidance, or do you think he really just didn't love me?

[@DobermanDanK9]

I found with my situation, most of the communication was indirect. I never really got it until we broke away. It was really confusing at the time. I wouldn't rely too much on direct communication such as, 'La Guy, I'm really excited for our relationship. I love you'. Try reading behind the lines of what they are doing. Honestly, it's not the easiest thing in the world and you start to question why they aren't communicating, but now you're understanding of what they do, it's understanding what their way of communication is

[@cestlaguy]

@@DobermanDanK9 thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. So we’re you the DA? And when you say you never “really got it” until you broke away, what do you mean by that? I agree with you, that reading between the lines is necessary. It was hard to be in a situation where someone was telling me they didn’t love me, or couldn’t tell me they loved me, yet treated me with so much love. I truly believe he was in a constant state of confusion… he didn’t know what he wanted and because of that he felt like he needed to question it. He left, but that wasn’t a surprise.

[@DobermanDanK9]

@C’est La Guy Not a problem 😊 So I'm a secure attached / Anxious. The anxious side was very much triggered when in this situation. No surprises there What I mean by, never really got it... So, in the moment, that indirect communication was quite confusing. Until i learned about the attachment theories, and you come to an understanding of why they do what they do... the indirect communication becomes this light bulb moment of, that's what they were doing! For example, my grandparents, in this instance (away from attachment theories), say things like... Wouldn't it be nice to go to the town centre at some point? What they're really saying is, would or could we go to the town centre. It's that slight change in how you say it. Now, my DA said it more indirectly than that, but that's what I mean. (We have broken away, too. I needed it because my anxious side triggered really badly, and my health declined. Miss them, but much happier)

[@cestlaguy]

@@DobermanDanK9 that’s a good example, I understand exactly what you’re saying and I agree. I’m the same as you, secure/anxious. I certainly grew more anxious while dating a DA. 🥲

[@gutsandgrittv5076]

I didn’t say it. He wrote it in a Christmas card😂

[@nicolasvankalck802]

What if you are the AP and you really like hearing it ?

[@adamwood87]

what you are asking about is a relationship need. i'd recommend explaining to them why having them say "i love you" is important to you. if they still won't do it, maybe they are not the right person for you.

[@leolady8114]

So my question within this topic is why a DA would state from their perspective that love is more of an action rather than a feeling. My beliefs were that is is both, feeling a certain way and acting on that feeling so it is expressed. If a DA only believes it is an Action, I would assume it would be fairly easy to decide not to ACT whenever you want, therefore, no longer love a person?!?

[@HunnyBee23]

I think they just mean “actions speak louder than words.” So, if they do something you like, that’s them showing you they love you, instead of always saying it. If it stops, they have stopped caring for you and it shows.

[@chiaraA.]

because they suppress their feelings, so that's a demonstration right there that they're a DA. And yes, imo it must be much easier to discard a partner when the only kind of love you know to do is a action and won't allow yourself feelings of love to development - that is the main reason why I would never work with a DA with sights on long term. It seems to me their ability to call it quits is much easier with not allowing feelings of love to development - and makes for a lack of safety and security for their partner

[@leolady8114]

@@chiaraA. hmmmmmmmmm

[@jacopofbargellini4005]

Whatever you say about them, whatever the specific topic, after months that i follow you, i dont stop seeing all the similarities in my ex DA and although you explain very well the reasons why, i cannot stop thinking these people are doomed and not able ( and not deserving) to have a healthy relationship

[@genietravelblog2940]

We are not doomed .. we are loyal if we can find the true and loving people..

[@jacopofbargellini4005]

@@genietravelblog2940 when the people love you DA you reject them. with your answer You just demonstrated what Thais says about looking for perfection" which doesnt exist, while you pass aside true ( in the sense of real) love. In this sense you are definitely doomed

[@genietravelblog2940]

@@jacopofbargellini4005 we don’t look for perfection.. we are always forgiving but if the highest limit is reach .. DA will try to redeem their self worth or else they will be doomed to mental facility and grave Hehehhe

[@amberriley7633]

@@jacopofbargellini4005 You are projecting. When you truly love someone you are willing to do the work to make things work and compromise. Just because someone loves a DA, doesn’t mean they have to automatically love them back. We are allowed to date people and then over time realise we are not in love with them. We experience love and we are also adults capable of determining whether or not we want to be with someone. When I have really wanted to be with someone, the love outweighed the anxiety. You are placing your own insecurities of being rejected by a DA , on to all DAs.

[@jacopofbargellini4005]

@@amberriley7633 So funny that you say "When you truly love someone you are willing to do the work to make things work and compromise" because those who try to compromise are never the DA. I am not projecting anything at all, i had never dated in my life an avoidant and i had a lot of very positive romantic relationship. long stories of 3, 4, 8 years and even a marriage of 20 years. They ended, but every story i had had a sense, a path, a cycle, a reason why. Then i met the unique ( first and last) DA of my life which with i had a 1 year relationshp during which she never loved me but she wanted to stay with me, but she needed her space but she cared about me but she needed to be independent but she missed me . And so on. And so on And so on. I am not projecting, DA ARE NOT ABLE TO STAY IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP.

[@kareno1593]

What about 1 1/2 yrs? 😢

[@rachhhh9722]

Do they know ,particularly in a long term relationship that it's unusual not to say it ? I hear friends or people at work on the phone and all of them say I love you to their partner when they hang up and I couldn't even imagine what that would be like.

[@juliegaudet7816]

I would really like to know the answer. I hear others say it and wonder the same exact thing.

[@conversationcorner1837]

People expect permanence out of love. The mind is ephemeral and always changes. Feelings and thoughts change. Refusing to tell someone you love them shows honesty. "I feel loved" sounds more honest.

[@conversationcorner1837]

@@sunbeam9222 You may not, your subconscious might. The painful part about pleasant memories is the wish to relive them.

[@conversationcorner1837]

@@sunbeam9222 Claiming you know your subconscious is a very BOLD assertion. I am happy for you if that is true.

[@andreaalbert5096]

​@@conversationcorner1837 You don't need a degree in psychology to know when you're feeling a certain emotion. Maybe people have different emotions that are all understood as love which can vary from person to person. When you hear those words it can mean different things, but for sure they imply that there is a feeling of warmthness in the present moment, towards the person who's being told that. I think that is enough, even if it's temporary

[@conversationcorner1837]

@@andreaalbert5096 What we feel emanates from how we perceive something....if the sweetness of emotion we feel when we are in love is perceived to be unending, the ending of that emotion brings a lot of pain with it. If that sweetness of emotion is perceived and understood as temporary, there is gratitude for that moment and the ability to not hanker after that experience once it leaves us.

[@andreaalbert5096]

@@conversationcorner1837 I agree :)

[@jhsporty]

My FA wouldn’t say it after 8 months.

[@katielacel6818]

Same time frame for me! ♥️

[@jhsporty]

@@katielacel6818 listen to dr russell Kennedy. It’s all a anxiety and trauma response. They are scared children trying to protect themselves, ego and subconscious programs. It’s sad.

[@chiaraA.]

DAs won't say 'I love you' because then they'll have to break up with you and move far away 🤣🤣🤣

[@svetikchum6988]

So do they love you?

[@theforzator2661]

DA's: omg i don't feel perfect and i feel like a bad person Also DA's: i will do something bad for my partner ! Partner : hey you did something bad for me and it hurts me ! DAs: see i told you i wasn't enough or perfect 😂😂😂

[@edgreen8140]

When they deflect and flaw find they are never looking at themselves ( unless they do the work) so they would view you as flawed and in some cases inferior( although your not ; it's a cognitive distortions) so they would think this person is flawed, maybe worthless why should I love this person.

[@qasimimtiaz9668]

some women use their partner vulnerabilities against them.

[@Meeka801]

🥺

[@yv0118]

Can they say I love you to their children?

[@SK-no2pp]

They can. But they often don’t.

[@Bornie1977]

They tend to think everyone can hurt them eventually. Therefore, they only trust and/or show love to animals, or to people they consider "not dangerous". Luckily, their children could be one of these rare cases (not always, though).

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

@@Bornie1977 Good explanation :)

[@SK-no2pp]

@@Bornie1977 sorry this is not true. They struggle with vulnerability. The issue isn’t they don’t trust their children. They’re not in touch with the range and depth of their own emotions.

[@rachhhh9722]

The one I dated does . Not a lot but sometimes and he is quite good with them mostly. I think over time he has become better . It took a year or maybe longer to bond really well with our son , I remember once bub was crying so he just bought him out to the room I was in and put him on the floor and walked away . He used to get irritated if any of his kids got hurt but now he seems more secure he is comforting towards them and doesn't get annoyed . When I was pregnant he really showed no interest, wouldn't discuss names or anything. I think they tend to do better with older kids they can do things with , joke around, fun activities etc

[@seapeajones]

I dunno. I do say it. Not often. But it bothers me, isn't it obvious? Do my actions not convey it?

[@qonitasyahira7042]

One of major reasons for me tho, is because I grew up in Asian household 😂 jk

[@ZenPepperClub]

The only thing perferct......are your blue eyes.............😊

[@rachhhh9722]

If you cant say you love your partner then you shouldn't be with them

[@SwedishGFE]

Irs so hard to hear what you are saying. You go from high pitched to soft voice in every sentence. At the high pitched it hurts my hearing and I can't hear and at the soft voice I can't hear because it's too low. If you can speak more evenly would be great. Your contents is great but your voice ruins it. Also some times you talk to fast so I can't understand or hear the whole sentence. I think that's when you end up in that high pitch when you speak fast.