This is Why We Suppress Our Emotions

Full video - • This is Why You're Liv...
Our Healthy Gamer Coaches have transformed over 10,000 lives. Be the next success story: bit.ly/3yK93vH
Dr. K’s Guide to Mental Health explores Anxiety, Depression, ADHD, and Meditation
with 150+ video chapters in a Final Fantasy-inspired skilltree: bit.ly/3GaubzI
#shorts #emotions #mentalhealth

[@Renoehe]

When I cried, my parents would say I sound like a goat. When I smiled, my mother would say I had plaque in my teeth. When I stopped showing any emotions in front of them, they would complain about why I acted so unhappy and what happened to the happy boy I used to be. And in all situations, it was always my responsibility to feel the way they wanted me to. My emotions were always supposed to be for them and not for me. They're still like this, and they will always be like this, and I have accepted that I am never going to be emotionally honest with them and one day they'll die and I'll be relieved.

[@Atilolzz]

You will have the last laugh hehehe

[@adamion1993]

Yeah, you'll also grieve but will be relieved unfortunately

[@lynnespinoza4736]

That last line hit and resonated like a ton of bricks. ❤

[@lynnespinoza4736]

​@@Atilolzz I think it's less about having the last laugh at them & more about wishing you could laugh with them. At least that is my interpretation, everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

[@kickingleaves5122]

I’m so sorry you had to have this experience with your parents. It sounds like absolute misery but the good news is that you have the right perspective and you understand that this is wrong. I hope you receive healing and love and can move forward to build a beautiful life❤

[@PhillyVet01]

Made me think about the way I parent. Gonna do better.

[@BigBeanBilly]

Good on you, brother, we're not perfect but we can always improve. Remember when you're feeling frustrated with your kid, the axe forgets but the tree remembers.

[@Drekromancer]

@@BigBeanBilly Well said, friend.

[@badluck9749]

Sure you will.

[@TheKrispyfort]

Good call. Don't laugh and tell them they're cute when they're angry. Do not punish them for exploiting loop-holes or ambiguity in your instructions or requests. This is a sign of analytical problem solving skills and higher level language skills. Don't punish genius. Never say "You know what I mean/meant"

[@TheKrispyfort]

And don't get into screaming matches with literal children Remember they are future adults

[@frenchfries2148]

Having really dull emotions sounds great until your girlfriend breaks up with you because you “don’t react to anything at all”

[@myflamerider]

Bro i feel that

[@catcat5564]

She didn't care about you, she just wanted drama

[@OnchiBon]

@@catcat5564 omg go outside and touch some grass instead of creating tate stained narratives about other people's lives in your head

[@BillSwag]

@@catcat5564 ding ding ding let her be someone else’s problem

[@wildfire9280]

IMO, find someone with the same problem, instant connection

[@guidomista7960]

"The axe forgets, but the tree remembers." this quote perfectly describes how bad parenting can affect a child. When i was young, i was punished, shamed, and sometimes beaten for putting my needs as a child in front of my parents wants. This caused me to dissociate, which is when emotions and trauma become so difficult to handle that your brain's survival response is to basically numb you to everything. this means i was on autopilot like a zombie for pretty much my entire childhood, which stole my entire childhood away from me. This video describes really well how that treatment of emotions works, but i cannot emphasize enough that as a parent you must always be mindful of your actions because a child's mind is geared towards absorbing new information, and you could give them information based on your actions that will negatively impact them.

[@violettracey]

Thanks!

[@thisgoddamusernamestoodamnlong]

oh is disassociation what that's called? I guess I never stopped that.

[@guidomista7960]

@@thisgoddamusernamestoodamnlong still trying to recover from it rn, so i understand

[@thisgoddamusernamestoodamnlong]

@@guidomista7960 sometimes the world comes into focus for a second and I freak out, but then I'm back to normal so it works out for the most part.

[@WolfgangDoW]

@@thisgoddamusernamestoodamnlong disassociation and dissociation are different things The correct one here is dissociation

[@prosamis]

Yup... Showing any non-positive emotion was always immediately punished. I always have to control my emotions no matter what just so that I don't get yelled at. I'm 23 and this is still the case

[@ray_1111]

I’m 21 in the same boat🎉

[@prosamis]

@@ray_1111 one day we'll be free my friend Hopefully we'll know how to unlearn our conditioning when that day comes

[@Drekromancer]

@@prosamis That day is today. It's a long, gradual process, but you can get there. I just want to caution you: if you wait "until it's time" for you to start deconditioning these patterns, they'll _never_ change. You have to make it a personal priority to figure out how you can take stock of the issues, and then address them constructively on a day-to-day basis. For example, you could ask yourself: "what would someone who wasn't afraid to experience emotions do in this situation?" Or maybe, "how can I find/cultivate relationships that will make it easier for me to connect to this part of myself I instinctively hide from?" Start there, and take it day by day. I won't rush you, because this process is personal, and you have to take it at your own pace. But at the same time, I have to warn you: the world will not wait for you to catch up. So you have to decide when that's going to be a big enough concern to warrant your attention. I wish you the best of luck. Godspeed.

[@lilricebowl9731]

Yup, the only thing is that you can’t just selectively suppress certain emotions, it has to be all of them, so if you become numb to negative emotions, you can’t feel positive ones either

[@prosamis]

@@lilricebowl9731 that's not how that worked for me It's less about being numb and more about control

[@Vesperitis]

It's not just getting punished. Simply dismissing emotions can cause a shutdown, i.e. "If I tell you I'm angry and told I'm being silly or that it'll blow over, then why should I tell you I'm angry or feeling any other feeling ever again?"

[@user-yz9sg7wo8t]

I agree so much. I'm afraid to say that i've become this way. I have very limited amount of friends and the closest ones I have, when I used to try to explain my problems to them, they used to say my problems are still trivial in comparison to theirs. Well, they did learn how wrong it is to say that later but most of the times when I used to try to explain my problems, they would get distracted. Now, i don't blame them because they were diagnosed with symptoms of ADHD plus now they are more busy because of their dating life, but I kinda stopped showing emotions to them. I would still laugh and talk about touching stuff but never disclosing my personal problems and always deflecting the questions about it. Because seeing no one takes your problems seriously hurts you more than just merely having those problems, so I developed the habit of not expressing what I truly feel and became.

[@kiiturii]

this was a conscious lesson I learned, if my mom got angry or started yelling at me, then acting calm, not talking back and basically being a brick wall was what would end the situation the fastest

[@MetalDeathMusic]

One time when I was a teenager, I was reading the Hobbit to my dad and little brother. I forget how, but my father made me feel bad and made me cry. Instead of being a kind person, what was his response? He got angry, yelled at me, and forced me to continue reading when I said I did not want to. Forced me to read while I'm crying. I don't ever show my emotions

[@VoidCael]

I remember something similar, I was 5 and I was bawling. My dad told me to stop and 'be a man' at age 5...like, I was a literal baby dude. It was a relief for me when he passed away.

[@MetalDeathMusic]

@@VoidCael Same, When I was about 11 I cut my finger really badly on a window that broke on my hand. Only time I've ever needed stitches. Doctors sanitized it and I screamed from pain. My father said "Do you hear anyone else screaming like that?" No, because I'm the only child here! I do not wish harm on him, I don't know how I'll feel when he passes. But I know I would feel good If I did not have any contact with him for a while.

This sounds so fucked up 😨

[@MetalDeathMusic]

@ definitely did not feel good

[@Madtv50]

Learning how to express your emotions is pretty one of the best things you can do for yourself. Through music, writing, art or whatever way is extremely important

[@archlectoryarvi2873]

Serial murder....

[@ItsAsparageese]

​@@archlectoryarvi2873 Inappropriate humor is a valid form of expression too ig lmao

[@Sewblon]

Teaching us that expressing our emotions is a waste of time is also teaching us that making a plan for the future is a waste of time. I have never heard that before. But it makes sense with me. I physically can't cry. I also never really plan ahead.

[@suspiciouslookingbanana6017]

I can’t seem to be able to plan ahead even though I know that it’s a bad thing, and that it’s just gonna make me feel worse.

[@joeymurillo4203]

My mom always said people out there have it harder than you. Like your nephew or she would say I treated your brother worse. I'm there more for you than my other kids. She always belittled me.

[@dfquartzidn6151]

Wait, she admitted that she mistreated your siblings as an example that she treats you better than them? Wtf is that?

[@alicedodobirb2808]

​@@dfquartzidn6151 not good, that's all I can say. Just straight up terrible.

[@letsreadtextbook1687]

​@@dfquartzidn6151 psychological warfare, "If you don't want me to treat you like I treat your brother, you'd better stay at my good side!"

[@dfquartzidn6151]

@@letsreadtextbook1687 Literally sounds like what a dictator would say to their subordinates, holy hell.

[@sophbird8215]

I think this explains some things for me. I used to always suppress my emotions when I lived at home. At some point I realized it was a problem, but it was safer so I just stayed that way. For most of my first year of college I was still that way. But then some time around the start of my second year of college (coincidentally, once I finally had a room to myself), I swung the complete opposite way and became extremely emotional. Now it doesn’t take much to get me to cry, when before I’d go months at a time without shedding a tear. I guess being in a setting where there’s no opportunity to be judged or reprimanded for feeling things led me to feeling a lot 😅

[@BriantWebster]

that was interesting, hope things are better (:

[@ecospider5]

I didn’t feel my emotions as much as I would like. But I knew I didn’t have any skill sets to deal with those emotions. I finally talked to my wife and we decided to go through the short term pain of me learning to deal with my emotions. And I opened my self up. It was very weird going through this in my late 20’s. My problem wasn’t caused by parents though. It was part of my undiagnosed autism.

[@hopefaithlove9983]

That's kinda how I feel now and it's only my first year of college, but I decided my last year of high school or so to try and be more open with my emotions with my friends. Only problem is that's led to all of my emotions coming out mostly crying a lot which i was able to suppress for a while before I decided to try and be more open. I mostly only wanted to be open with nice emotions like telling my friends how much they mean to me, yeah but can't really pick and choose i guess when it comes to deciding to try and be more open and vulnerable. It feels like I've cried too much this year in front of my dad. It's so annoying

[@ecospider5]

@hopefaithlove9983 I hear that. It’s like I got 10 years of crying out in just one year once I opened up

[@sophbird8215]

@@hopefaithlove9983 ohh yes, I understand that feeling all too well. I joke with my friends from high school that my crying so much is all the teenage repression catching up with me lol- it feels strange and uncomfortable at first, but it’s a good thing to be more open with those you care about :)

[@arthurpenfield8229]

"You crying?? I got something for you to cry about!!" That was my punishment for expressing my emotions. A horrible beating and complete silence afterwards.

[@xerilaun]

yup same

[@moonchild6115]

I sam so sorry you went through that Arthur , I hope you are doing ok 💜

[@keturahspencer]

As a parent I've received loads of criticism for not punishing my children when they're emotional. However, as my children get older I've received more compliments for how respectful they are. We work things out through conversation, when it's time. It's insane the amount of pressure that is put on parents to abuse and generally mistreat their children. The best advice I can give you parents, is to take advice with a grain of salt. People who spout their opinions about your life don't necessarily have yours or your children's best interest in mind. When children get emotional, learn how to let cooler heads prevail. And remember that most of parenting is conversation.

[@letsreadtextbook1687]

Not a parent yet, but this is wise words, thanks!

[@samichpower]

Oh man this hits too close to home. How can we learn to undo this?

[@JoshKnoxChinnery]

Find a safe space or person to be open with, and try articulating your feelings about things. This news story makes me feel sad, that's a funny story, I hate when X thing happens (careful with that one though, negativity stays with us). The facial expressions, laughter, tears, and high blood pressure can come back over time, but at first we need to consciously recognize what we're feeling, and being vocal about those feelings helps to ground them and bring them into our daily awareness.

[@notangevip537]

Also journaling about your feelings is really great!

[@neomuneochicken4585]

@@JoshKnoxChinnery I just stumbled upon this. It sounds doable, thank you I will try this! :)

[@JoshKnoxChinnery]

@@neomuneochicken4585 You can do it! It doesn't have to be so explicit either. Saying "Ew!" when something is gross or "WTF" when something makes you mad is a form of expression. If you let yourself respond to the events of your life then you can analyze what those responses mean after you do them.

[@galaxylucia1898]

Honestly I would seek out a therapist *that you trust* who is a safe space for you to explore and learn things with. Not someone with a ton of degrees collecting a weekly payment and isn’t invested you. I only say that because sometimes ppl get bad therapist and done realize that you need to find a qualified person who actually empathizes and gets you. It may take awhile, but it’s worth it in the end to have the tools you need to heal.

[@equinox3625]

i got beaten up when i cried and i was crying so hard i could not explain why i am crying. i have so many things i am so resentful about that even after all this time i still remember every single one of it

[@ferguson8143]

Your parents beat you up after you started crying

[@moonchild6115]

I am so sorry to hear what you went through Equinox, I hope you are doing ok. 💜

[@daddymothmaster2920]

Growing up, I was allowed to be happy and nothing else. Whenever I was upset, angry, scared, etc, I was met with either ridicule for the way I acted or with outright hostility. I ended up moving out at 17 and not being able to get out fast enough. Since then, my folks have often mentioned how I rarely invite them over or talk to them and when I try to explain that I feel like I can't express myself around them for fear of their reactions, they make me feel like I'm 6 years old again. It's important to have a healthy relationship with yourself and how you feel so that your children can grow up with a good template that won't stifle their emotional development. This is definitely something I'll bear in mind when I become a dad, so I don't end up with my children holding me at arms length for the rest of their lives.

[@nellytoure251]

It creates a distance that won’t go away

[@KittyGoGames]

The good ol' "stop crying or ill give you a reason to" and the "stop it" in a low stern tone when im laughing too much. The only parts of my childhood that i dont and never will miss.. seems to be quite a lot of it, i already have quite a few gaps in my memory.

[@hello2judas807]

Growing up, my family would always get into arguments and start screaming across the house. Im autistic, so the reasons for the fights rarely made any sense to me, and the fights themselves were always too overwhelming for me to handle for any length of time, and it always felt like nothing I could add would actually help anything. As a result, I built up a habit of finding as quiet a room as possible, and staying out of the fights as much as I could manage. I eventually learned to not pick fights, voice complaints, or do anything that might start a conflict, that way I could be in good terms with everyone in my house and no one would be mad at me. To my credit, it worked, but looking back I think I really screwed up my ability to process intense emotions, or to pursue the things I wanted in the face of adversity.

[@letsreadtextbook1687]

You did your best given the adverse situation. You did well and it's not too late start learning now

[@Foogi9000]

I'm Autistic as well and I vividly remember my mom and dad constantly getting into screaming matches over the smallest shit. Afterwards, my mom would come vent to me and I don't like confrontation, so I would listen and after a while, it started to mentally break me. I started to resent my dad even though he had never done anything wrong to me personally. I think that my dad is a textbook example of who Dr K is talking about as my dad isn't good with emotions and to a certain extent his EQ is stunted to that of a young adult as he suffered massive amounts of abuse when he was a teenager. I can't even describe it, physical abuse, verbal abuse, he witnessed sexual abuse. His step-dad was a vile subhuman scumbag that deservedly died of testicular cancer. My mom also has a bunch of trauma herself that she has never seen therapy for as her family had a "keep it in the family" type of mindset. So what happens when you put together two very broken individuals and their marriage falls apart because neither can communicate well? You get my entire childhood and teenage years, pair that with me not being religious or straight and them being Christians.

[@man_guo]

@@Foogi9000 wtf it's like we have the exact same parents 😭

[@pongig]

question: any time i got angry/frustrated when i was growing up my mom boycotted me for hours, just didn't talk to me or acknowledged me at all - is this why i'm scared of people rejecting me if i show them my vulnerable side? if so, then that's hilarious. i guess now i know why i am the way i am 💀

[@Drekromancer]

I think you've answered your own question, my friend. 🙂 The question is, what will you do now?

[@5uperM]

The worst households i think arr those that only expect you to be happy all the time. Instead it makes you hate being happy.

[@DanniBby]

This is true but you should be aware that it’s not worse than traumatic abuse

[@elgatochurro]

More so like it's wrong to NOT be happy...

[@kyoufufunofuuuou656]

@@DanniBby it's not a competition. Any horrible state is valid to feel and should not be ranked against which is worse than the other. Each person goes through hardships differently and it's not any better for you to compare which situation is better or worse.

[@DanniBby]

@@kyoufufunofuuuou656 saying something is the worst is saying that it’s worse than others. Which in this case her comment is not true. The worse households are the ones that have physical emotional and psychological abuse and coercion. However it is also not healthy to not be taught expression of emotions, it’s still not the worst household.

[@DanniBby]

@@kyoufufunofuuuou656 saying something is the worst is saying that it’s worse than others. Which in this case her comment is not true. The worse households are the ones that have physical emotional and psychological abuse and coercion. However it is also not healthy to not be taught expression of emotions, it’s still not the worst household.

[@CJ_536]

This is why it is so very important as parents that we teach our children that their emotions are valid. My children are allowed to be mad at me and they are allowed to cry but they are not allowed to use their emotions to annoy or hurt other people. Being mad at me is fine. Screaming at me and slamming a door is not. There is a difference between tolerating bad behavior and validating emotions.

[@Walicia]

Im grateful my dad let me cry and yell a bit when i was overwhelmed, but it was a no no to direct agression towards him or anyone. People talk to solve problems, and yell to vent. I wish everyone could be taught how to direct their emotions properly.

[@letsreadtextbook1687]

Finally a good parent in this comment section 😂

[@Krbydav328]

Yeah, that's why I'm more extreme with my friends. I used to cry in front of my mom when she forced me to learn piano and get yelled at by her every time when i was in elementary school. She laughed in my face when I cried and said I was being obnoxious. She still yells at me when I bring it up and threatens to hurt me if I talk badly about how she did this "for me". I laugh really hard around my friends and I'm dead inside when my parents talk to me so this makes a lot of sense! I want to move out!

[@marzemarcel9529]

One of the things my abusive narc father couldn't call me was ungrateful. I didn't ask for shit, I didn't feel comfortable enough to, I didn't feel like I deserved anything because that's all he would say. "Do you deserve to have that [insert child wants]?" The answer was always no.

[@MasteringJohn]

There are circumstances in which you should suppress and control your emotions. The issue isn't that children are disciplined, but rather when such discipline conveys the wrong lesson. There is a time to speak harshly, and a time to control your tone. There is a time to be rambunctious and free-hearted, and there is a time to be quiet and contemplative. There is a time to weep and release your sorrows, and there is a time to steady yourself and retain your composure. Feeling and expressing emotions is being human. Learning when and how to express those emotions properly is being an adult. That some parents are utter failures in teaching such lessons does not erase their necessity.

[@Drekromancer]

Very well said.

[@TastefulGorilla]

Your nuance is a rare thing and I'm happy to see it instead of the usual hazing or hugbox.

[@lolidkwhy8537]

Damn, this is very true. I literally stopped feeling anything or care about anything, to the point where I don't even feel sadness anymore.

[@ishita457]

Soo true.. And makes us autopilot mode

[@jensphiliphohmann1876]

God bless my parents who never punished me for showing emotions!

[@3lit3gn0m3]

On the opposite side, parents who do anything a 'tantrumming' child wants will create someone who will actively use emotions to manipulate others. Or so seems to make sense to me.

[@jambononi]

Technically the opposite is also manipulating with emotion. By closing off anger and pretending to be happy, you are appeasing your parents also. It's all a way for the child to survive and appeal to the parents needs. But obviously causes issues as we become an adult. All children tantrum but not all children are accepted when they tantrum. So most eventually learn it doesn't work. But parents who let their children tantrum teach the child that it's the way to act in order to get what they need/want. All of this is the same though. So if you get told off for crying, you will smile to appease the parent. Call it manipulation or not. Either way, it's the child that gets damaged by it in the long run...

[@3lit3gn0m3]

@@jambononi The child gets damaged if the adult doesn't have the capacity to teach them. Parents need the capacity to show their child that emotions are natural, but are not a means of getting things. It's absolutely not a matter of figuring out who gets damage, because both can be on the receiving end of something negative. However, it's on the parent to know how to turn that negative situation into a learning situation. Covering up emotions is unhealthy. Letting them go into freefall is also unhealthy. However, due to the nature of emotions, it's not always something you can control. I disagree with you saying it's the same thing; that's low resolution and doesn't aid in improving how the situations are dealt with in a better way. To actually solve the problem, you need to identify it; to say they are the same thing is to show you have not identified it. Just my take, though.

[@jambononi]

@@3lit3gn0m3 I'm not saying they're the same thing. But that they're both emotionally dealing with the parent not managing the child effectively. Obviously you need different approaches to deal with the different situations. But I did say that. And I was responding directly to the original comment, so what I said had context. I wasn't making a sweeping statement about all parenting. I was saying that both pretending to be happy and lashing out come from the same need to appease the parent. How that manifests and how that is dealt with are different. And yes I agree the responsibility is completely on the adult because the child is fighting for it's desire not to be abandoned. it's a life or death situation for the child. So they will use whatever strategy they can figure out works.

[@3lit3gn0m3]

@@jambononi Hm...I see. it felt like you were putting them too closely together to me due to that similarity.

[@MacquarieRidge]

Expressing emotions got me restrained and held at knifepoint by my mother once or twice. And she used to insist I was the one with problems. Somehow I managed to move out and am doing pretty well now. Good riddance.

[@mattcloud0414]

I came to the point where I just told my ma that I don't trust her with my emotions, so I keep it to myself since I often get either ridiculed or punished for expressing or even explaining how I feel. I am treated this way even in the scenario of a close relative's death that I got trauma for because she died on my hands when we were on our way to rush her to the hospital

[@LuisaRose]

Did she say anything after you told her that? I feel like I can't say this to my parents. Any hard conversation with them ends up with me feeling guilty.

[@mattcloud0414]

@@LuisaRose She told me that it's fine. We never really talked about it after. But it gives me relief that I settled with keeping my feelings for myself and dealing it on my own by exploring health coping strategies that works for me. This way, I no longer feel dissappointed whenever I expect my parents to express empathy and understanding towards my life struggles. Although it can be difficult and scary, I think it is wise to make confrontation (under reasonable circumstances), make up a consensus with that person, then just accept things the way it is if there is nothing left you can do. My parents doesn't care about my emotional needs, so it is more rational to seek it in other ways that promotes better mental health. Afterall, I can't control anything else other than myrself. This sounds limiting but it's actually a lot of freedom if I build the right mindset. If your parents are incapable of loving you the way you need them to, the best choice to make is to find that love from within yourself. Edit: I apologize for my lack of fluency in English as it is not my native language.

[@ronaldyang2295]

Not my single mother, instead was my older sister. I cried a lot as a kid and i remember being told to shut the fuck up. 🙂

[@Sayurichyan]

it's not the negative emotions that I got punished for, it's happiness. it's the very normal laughter when having fun humorous interactions between me and my siblings, when we were making silly words jokes, and cackling in laughter. So now I punish myself when I'm feel any positive emotions because I'm afraid of happiness.

[@Hiveatel]

So, unike most of you, my parents weren't that bad. So when I grew up, I more or less was able to take the chance to show my parents. The things I was unable to explain when I was a kid, all the times I ended up apologizing because I didn't want to keep arguing with them. I gave it all back to them in a single moment. I got pissed, I felt sad, I cried, and I yelled all at the same time. I cursed, I explained, I formed the experience of my previous years into a single rant. These days? I don't hide my emotions. I simply show them however I want to. My parents used to get mad at me for crying, yes. They wouldn't leave me alone even if I wanted them to. When I grew up, I turned that back on them. All those terrible experiences my parents gave me are now my arguments against them. Not to win, not to beat them. So that we can all live a better life. I just tell em to ignore me when I'm crying if they don't know how to respond, because their angry response is worse than just leaving me the fuck alone. My parents don't know how to be parents. My dad's parents weren't parents at all, and my mom simply isn't mature enough. I end up having to be the one to understand and piece everything back together. Something I learned; partially rigid belief and confidence in your own ideals is very helpful when dealing with your parents. Another thing is, explain yourself upfront and clearly. If they ask you why, you state the reason. If your parents think that it's stupid and ask you again, you say that you don't want to, period. Take a rigid, stubborn stance while being open to arguments. Don't doubt your ideals until they''ve actually become wrong in your eyes. A lot of moral examples your parents will show you are simply flawed in the first place, and are only there to manipulate you. If you don't realize that flaw, you'll just end up doubting yourself again, even if you're in the right. Stay strong. And remember. Unlike your parents, learn to listen and understand.

[@letsreadtextbook1687]

The best thing about dr k is that he explains the mind's mechanism that still holds true even with varying degree of severity. We don't need to be clinically qualified for ptsd for these methods to be still helpful for us.

[@JBlask]

This is the start of shame-based thinking. It creates emotional distortion that often gets built up in layers later in life. When I was growing up I was taught that my thoughts and feelings didn't matter. I was bombarded with the message that I was worthless and should never have been born.

[@ginger1830]

Extremely accurate, currently trying to unlearn that invalidation I had to grow up with, with the help of a validating therapist ❤

[@firelunamoon]

Well I'm Asian, so yes to all these questions lol

[@user-nf5dm8tl5r]

Haha same!

[@ItsAsparageese]

"EMOTIONAL DAMAGE!"

[@ragingraichu219]

Yep, pretty much. It's why I'm emotionally dead at 33. My brain has just shut them off. I haven't full on cried since my early 20s. My emotions were dismissed all the way up to then, and the last time I cried in my early 20s, it was once again dismissed and made out to be my fault, so I just... shut down emotionally. After all, what was the point in showing emotions when no one gave a crap or just yelled at me?

[@ch8seurdreams114]

When i was younger, whenever I expressed emotions my mom or dad wouldn't talk them out with me. My dad would just lock himself in a room cause he was feeling overwhelmed, or my mom would say she didn't want to hear what I was frustrated about. So now, whenever I feeling anything relatively negative, sometimes even positive emotions, I keep them to myself or I lock myself away somewhere til they "go away". Now it's effecting me into adulthood cause I don't know how to regulate my emotions properly cause my head thinks that even the slightest bit of negative emotion is enough of a reason for me to isolate myself from everyone til I'm "better".

[@lieflove12]

Sadly the awareness that emotions have a use is something not everybody has. You get angry to show you are unhappy with whatever the person said or did to you, then they feel bad because you are angry and hopefully won't do it again. Like it's that simple. But somehow, in my household, anger was something that automatically puts the blame on you. Regardless of what made you angry. It was basically: "Nothing you say is valid because you raised your voice." The irony of this being so infuriating...

[@Foul_22]

I learnt to toughen up and suppress them and make a fake personality. and it brought me a gift from reality which was depression when I was 5 and it came back years later.

[@Lord_Phoenix95]

No wonder I'm quiet and emotionally dead sometimes. My Ex didn't understand why I was afraid to show emotion. I told her that she didn't have a boot thrown across the room to her for her when she was being loud. Or a hand when she was crying. I love my parents on a certain level but I still don't condone what they did.

[@a98815]

We don't punish our kids for having emotions, we help them name them and work through them. But I still feel like we are teaching them to repress, because for example I feel like I don't get to grieve since I need to be mommy. I feel like they can and do pick up on that.

[@en2p187]

They ignored me. Like i was invisible. I could cry for hours id always be alone. No response, no reaction

[@-emmathetotaldramafan]

When I cried my parents are nice about it but they keep excessively ask if I’m okay for the entire day when I js want to forget about it and it gets to an extent where it’s just annoying

[@ismailabdelirada9073]

Lucky me: I went from a narcissistic mother who didn't allow me to express anger to a narcissistic wife who does nothing for herself, expects me to do it all for her to the extent that there are never enough hours in the day, finds fault if I don't do it all "right" according to the procedure she had in mind (whether she articulated it or not), and flies into an unquenchable rage at the least criticism, real or imagined. (As I wrote this, she came out of the bathroom and wanted to know why I hadn't yet put down a piece of paper to protect her to-go container of food from contact with the bed -- we're staying in a hotel -- and then she'll expect me to serve her meal. But at least she's not eating yogurt, which she wants me to hand-feed her so she doesn't have to touch the carton.) I try to bear with her because she genuinely has issues that make it harder for her to do a lot of things, but before this started, I wasn't persistently depressed in spite of never experiencing fair treatment, didn't hurt myself, and seldom considered suicide.

[@doubl2480]

This happened to me, not because of parents (mine were rather nice) but because of bullying at school. I just engraved into my head that crying was for babies and for girls, and I started bottling these feelings instead of letting them out. And this isn't exactly a mental knot easy to undo, even years later...

[@insaynt9924]

The lesson that I interpreted from my own experiences, right or wrong, Is that if I want to make plans, the most effective way to do it, is without anyone else's knowledge. Because there's always going to be some kind of pushback, it's always going to be made fun of and resented no matter how much thought I put into it. Of course the people doing this were often people freely exchanging ideas and plans with each other, But constantly dismissing or arguing with any input I had to offer. It became pretty obvious, every time, that they simply resented me, and any thought I could possibly have. Of course like anyone who's gone through this, I did try going out of my way to stay out of other people's space, so I could be as a little of a problem as possible. But yeah, through repetition it just became clear they were determined not to like me no matter what I did. Unfortunately I've had a series of experiences like this, And sometimes still do. And sometimes it's the same people convincing me that it's not happening in whatever specific scenario, That are the ones actively inflicting it. So for as much as I know that I need to let go, and allow myself to experience something different and actually heal, It's also extremely difficult to feel like I can do any of that, safely, without worry, Because I keep being gas-lit into situations where the wounds are reopened.

[@catsozen]

I moved away from my parents house and living alone now. It's the loneliest time of my life. It is also the most liberated I've ever felt being able to express everything I couldn't in a shared and judgmental space. I never want to go back.

[@Hi-ot9yt]

So true I told my dad he made me feel uncomfortable and he made fun of me for feeling that way

[@vokun864]

I hate expressing emotions around family members. It's such a block that sometimes I physically just can't do it. My brain instantly thinks it's cringey and stupid and I get super uncomfortable. Basically anytime I showed non-positive emotions my dad would just scream at me and my siblings to shut the fuck up and who the hell do we think we are acting like this🤦‍♂️

[@DasOmen02]

Even knowing about this for some time now, feeling anger is still an anxiety trigger for me because of how i was constantly demonized for it as a child. I'm 26 and still dealing with this. Parents, please treat your kids with respect; like humans. Emotion is natural. At the very least, if you don't think you're ready to deal with a child's emotions, just don't have kids yet.

[@little_shady_fox]

I was 13 or somewhere around that when I was visiting English courses. At the end of the semester teacher told me that I was having too much fun and was too active or smth... And thus I became an emotionless (almost) introvert... It's been almost 10 years... Let's say that what you say to other people - matters.

[@2ndpartycrasher954]

When i cried my parents would tell me i was overreacting. They would also make fun of my feelings and make fun of me for being me. I learned that having emotions and being vulnerable is not ok.

[@ghostratsarah]

My reason is that I saw how others' emotional outburst were counter productive and overboard, so I just decided to be the example of how to deal with things more appropriately. Which means I can't lash out. My family will all literally cry over spilled milk, and I have to be the one to calm them down and mop it up (I'm the youngest, not a big sis or mother). If I have an issue with anything, I have to calmly talk it out- though that often gets me accused of being manipulative. Displaying anger or distress just makes a mess of everything. If I have outbursts, it triggers them to have outbursts, and encourages them to be more dramatic in the future. And because they aren't used to me lashing out or breaking down, they get angry, and they will literally come to me hours later, bust into my room, and demand an apology for attacking them. I've stopped giving apologies, so I can be proud of myself on that. When someone makes me upset enough to make them feel attacked, they deserved it. You don't demand an apology from a snake for biting you. My dad has severe C-PTSD and my sister is autistic, so they have an excuse. But my dad seriously needs a therapist.

[@SilentTrip]

I'm a highly sensitive person, I was abused for my sensitivity physically and mentally. So I don't care about unemotional people anymore

[@whong09]

Asian parents have entered the chat. Seriously though the whole "emotional damage" meme.. I'm 31 and my mother still doesn't see me as an adult, still doesn't take me seriously. In her mind I'm either a success if I accomplish what she wants, or a failure if I don't. And she thinks she's such a good person to be nice to me even if I'm a failure. Asian parents usually don't recognize their children for their own identity, let alone believe they deserve the same respect.

[@alex.2327]

Damn.. This hits home!!

[@Retr0ver4]

"If you're gonna cry, i'll give you something to cry about"

[@Suboptimalconditions]

This is always something I’m working through.

[@brianlamptey4823]

"If you keep crying I'll hit you more"

[@Handinmapocket]

As a kid I used to get hyperactive/overexcited when I was enthusiastic about something. Which was, understandably, anoying for the people around me. Their reactions and admonishments where so negative and strong that I learned to supress enthusiasm very strongly. It is now so hard for me to show my enthusiasm and excitement that people frequently ask whether I'm even enjoying myself, while I'm enjoying some of my favorite things. When I feel it is required to show my enjoyment of an activity to let people know I'm happy and appreciate it, it feels like I have to scale a wall and greatly exaggerate my joy. While in reality I barely manage to put a smile on my face in those situations. I also feel this great fear tingeling my spine whenever I start getting excited about something. Probably to the level how others feel stage fright.(Can't tell for sure, never had much problem with nerves infront of an audience.)

[@MNkno]

Oh, yes... And "getting good things" was contingent on not making any requests, and if I needed help, there never was anyone there to help. So... am I somewhat in trouble in life? Sure! It has been suggested that "that was then, and now it's now - so just do it now!" but it isn't that simple, including the fact that the people around me know (and love?) me as someone safe who won't ask them for anything, or take them up on any offers they make.

[@theletters9623]

I have the fun double whammy of this bs and then also my emotions are just. too big to disconnect from without just straight up falling asleep. So like 90% of the time if I feel an emotion that I was punished for as a kid Im feeling anger or sadness or overwhelm at Full Force but I also have shame and terror, also at Full Force and it is The Worst

[@darkacadpresenceinblood]

not punished, they just freaked out and treated it as a problem to solve. it was out of love (plus their own anxiety), but i'm still unlearning that my emotions are a burden and that i have to feel constantly happy. so-called "negative" feelings are important and natural, not some illness to exterminate and i get being worried about someone if they're crying/upset especially if they're your child but sometimes you just need to let the emotion be, it doesn't hurt anyone to have a good cry once in a while.

[@tearstoneactual9773]

This explains a lot for me.

[@nickmoser1866]

My dad used to make me write “I will not cry for inappropriate reasons” 250 times any time I cried.

[@MerryMoss]

This was not even _that_ long ago, but my mum told me to not overreact when I was upset and crying after almost suffocating on some food.... And as a kid I wasn't allowed to be angry (at her) and she would then get mad at _me_ so that the only way I could try to express the anger and frustration was to sit in my room and cry. I still struggle with how to express anger & I just wish she *would have taught me.* Your videos/shorts are very validating, thank you for what you do 💚

[@Lol98-wk18]

My mom always say it’s a shame for a man to cry !!! This concept is really everywhere and it’s making me mad even though I’m a woman !

[@Frostfern94]

Nah, my family were pretty emotional. Though very… inconsistent in how they dealt with our emotions and issues. Calling them “stupid” wasn’t uncommon. But they’d also encourage me to talk about my feelings, they tried sending me to therapists many a time but nothing. Even my current partner was upset with me a few months ago because something happened to me and they were upset (because they care about me) but because they were upset I was focusing on them and how they felt. Which was the wrong thing to do apparently.

[@twerkingfish4029]

“You’re so angry all the time” *starts repressing emotions* “You’re too closed off” *head explodes*

[@Man-O-Little-Tan]

I remember as a kid i was pretty emotional and my step mom yelled at me so much that when I'd start crying she'd berate me and yell at me to "stop being a crybaby" and now I can't show my emotions around ppl

[@ReapWhatYaSow]

First off, I know I am damaged goods. I have contemplated emotions and how, when, and why others express them. I have come to the conclusion that emotions are a luxury. When you are suffering, really suffering, and everyone around you is too, what benefit do you have being depressed or crying (crying from emotions, not from physical pain)? It doesn't better your situation. It takes time away from trying to better your situation. If your standard is being dirt poor, eating nothing but plain noodles once a day, this is your normal. You don't know any better. I used to have deep feelings. I was a shy, emotional boy that was hopeless romantic, that wore my heart on my shoulder. I was used, abused, taken advantage of, beaten up, and driven to my lowest point. I decided to serve something bigger than myself. I joined the Marine Corps and had my identity stripped from me and became a tall, strong, lean, mean, Arab fighting machine. I was the perfect Marine 6'4" 235 lbs., trained as a green belt in MCMAP, 1st Class Swim qualification, 2nd award Expert Rifle Range, OEMS trained, 6 time combat lifesavers trained, 11 Military Drivers Licenses, Heavy Machine Gun Instructor, proficient in Mk. 19, M2 HB, M240, M249, and M203. After 3 deployments in 3½ years, I broke mentally. I used to pride myself on my Military bearing and being unbreakable. I snapped. I couldn't control myself from crying. We weren't in a War Zone and I wasn't under any pressure, I just lost it, and infront of my Platoon Commander to boot. Since then, it has been some adjustment to sharing my feelings to my wife. I have learned to emulate proper social expected actions, but I really don't feel that way. I laugh when I am in pain or smile, which I know isn't normal. What is the point of me rehashing my old feelings? I buried them for a reason, I am fine with my present and future. I don't influence my daughter's way of acting or feelings and try my best to keep her from the wrongs and hardships I have faced.

[@the_phatsanator4887]

I feels this so much

[@krazak2863]

So that’s why I’m a psychopath now.

[@boat378]

I lodged for PTO at my company (family owned) and put my reasoning down as mental health. It was intended as annual leave to avoid burnout. Instead I got grilled by my mother who said if you cite mental health you could get fired and locked up in a mental hospital. Slight overreaction.

[@AmIWhatIAm]

As a child I could never cry infront of my parents. What they'll do is hit me with the clothes hanger, leaving marks on my legs and arms. I had to go to primary school like that a lot. I would have to run and hide as if I was being chased by a killer. It resulted in me being numb with my emotions, almost expressionless when anything happens. It made me think that being emotional will get in the way of me doing something. I finally let myself be a bit loose after finishing highschool. But I'm still guilty whenever I try to feel something. But until this day my parents will still judge me for crying. I feel sad not being able to tell them how vulnerable I feel when something sad or bad happens to me. I could only cry in my own room.

[@nbp375]

Express you're emotions but also have control over them.... It's equally as important

[@kamenwaticlients]

Story of my life for the most part. Makes things make sense.

[@silverlightsinaugust2756]

I tell my son he is allowed to be sad, scared, and angry. And when he’s upset, I try to help him feel better. But sometimes it doesn’t work. He only gets in trouble if while he’s upset, he starts hitting, yelling too loud or too much, throwing things, or spitting.

[@leliza8477]

Please start adding the original video these clips are from 🙌🏼

[@DianaWanMa]

But my siblings are I experienced the same things in our house, but I’m the one with alexithymia, and that’s since before I have memories. My mom once told me that when we got outside and saw one of us walking a few meters ahead, they used to hide and see our reaction. My siblings when noticed they were alone they instantly cried. I did not… it could be 2 hours and still no crying.

[@nonamewillbegiven1217]

No one cares

[@DianaWanMa]

@@nonamewillbegiven1217 can you seriously stop stalking me? I don’t want to receive your sad notifications any longer. Get a life.

[@user-vf1gz4wm9o]

Everyone in my family is really emotional and I'm supposed to stay calm somehow and recently I returned to my parents house and nust decided to scream out loud and just tell how I hate things that I hate and do the same weird stuff that I used to do alone. Generally it's harmless, but they find it really disrespectful, but at least I'm surviving this hard part in my life without physically hurting myself and others. I feel like everyone here needs a therapy, but just mentioning it is too dangerous

[@jambononi]

It's so important to express your emotions ❤ well done. I had a similar revelation and realised it's important to express anger if you're angry in a safe way of course. Otherwise it comes out in other ways

[@MrAaaaazzzzz00009999]

this happens to me but moreso the school environment, not the household.

[@Wizard_of_ZaZa]

My mom would beat the shit oit of me for crying.

[@thegloriouswizard5270]

Which is why I am being more open about my emotions, living alone now. 🙂

[@bok9596]

Yup. Everything else is mostly good.. except discomfort. Every time i show and say that im uncomfortable it is ignored, brushed off, and even shamed. Trying to set boundaries like this is so difficult for me now because of this.

[@AmitRozee]

This channel is too personal why im still subscribed 😭

[@aaronsheflin2370]

Emotion is not being punished, being GOVERNED by emotion is what our families punish. Behaviors that make you a stronger (tough, resilient, useful, cool headed under stress) member of the family is encouraged. At least in my own family and among my friends.

[@oliverafton1444]

Let me tell you, nobody can just control that with punishment...

[@aaronsheflin2370]

@@oliverafton1444 that is entirely true. There are five ways to encourage useful behaviors and discourage bad behaviors. Through Legitimate power, Mom and Dad say so. Through Reward power, "good job staying cool when your little cousin broke your toy". Through Punishment power, "if you keep crying and carrying on you are going to bed without dinner". There are two other forms of power, Expert and Charisma. "Look, I know how upset you are, I am too, but you need to handle it in a more stoic way like Grandpa. There is nothing he can't handle". You are perfectly correct that punishment cannot be the only tool in the toolbox. My only point earlier was that in my own personal experiences and what I have empirically observed in healthy families it is not emotion that is discouraged, rather the undisciplined unchecked surrender to emotion.

[@spontaneousbootay]

Blow it all up and rise like a Phoenix from the ashes of who you believed you were.

[@Saber_Nico]

This is what my father told me before he passed away: if you are going to be mad at me, be mad at me for the right reason. If you come after me because things dont go your way, i will slap you. But when i do something wrong, that is when you can yell at me for it.

[@bonfire302]

Very sad and devastating but very common

[@gonnfishy2987]

WTG parents who trivialise, minimise a child’s emotions and default to “tickling you to snap you out of it”. WHY DO I NOW FEEL PATHETIC AND “SAD CLOWN” WHEN I AM IN TOUCH WITH EMOTIONS 😢

[@NiKi-ij2ln]

Expression , exoression 🙏🙏🙏❤️💙

[@SillverBel]

Bro sharing my emotions is useless. If I say I'm depressed, people are basically just like "yeah that sucks. It be like that sometimes. You should try therapy." And because I know their reactions are useless, I just dont care to share.

[@YK_KEVIIIN]

When i say im scaredx my mom think og school, Im dizzy, school, Im sick, school, Im sad, SCHOOL.

[@parafuegosarchive]

getting a broken child because of your actions is definitely a bad outcome, what is worse is that just by chance, instead of a normal human you got someone that is absolutely rotten from the inside, instead of "learning" that their emotions aren't worth sharing, they will learn that emotions as a general concept should get punished, in this situation it's just a matter of time that the child becomes an adult and your actions backfire, good parenting isn't done because you have good intentions, it must be done for self-preservation.

[@sweatycommenter]

Hi

[@parafuegosarchive]

@@sweatycommenterhi~

[@RONYN666]

It affects my work and life so much. I can't say what I want to say in fear of being ridiculed

[@happyninja42]

Also, for guys at least, if we express emotions in public, we will often be mocked for it. Even if the person doesn't realize it, they are negatively reinforcing our emotional states. Like if we see a movie that makes us cry in a scene, our female friends (and guy friends too), might reply with "Aah! Look at him! He's crying! Awh did the scene make you sad?? Awh, big man is tearing up because of X" and make it a spectacle for everyone's amusement. For us though, literally in a state of emotional vulnerability, we're now made to feel called out, exposed, and ridiculed, WHILE we are experiencing this strong emotion. Well that's not a good feeling, so we suppress it. We learn really quickly that expressing any emotion other than anger, is generally going to get us mocked in public, so we don't allow it.