Thoughts on Loneliness -- Daniel Mackler

[@clareneale99]

As Daniel explains in other videos, I think when you connect with yourself and resolve your childhood trauma and then are able to meet your own needs, a nice byproduct is that loneliness subsides

[@pod9363]

Exactly. Loneliness is like needing to be parented. Once that is resolved it’s like that need is gone and being by yourself isn’t a thing that brings up restless anxiety.

[@lissie3669]

not completely, but yes it certainly helps

[@tms843]

My therapy has some parts work and it is so interesting, and sad, to see that a lot of loneliness comes from the parts that are frozen in trauma state/time and alone. Once I listen and stay with them and take care of them they start to feel less lonely, and I start to feel a little less lonely too.

[@AlexStefanOnline]

It's incredibly easy for me to see why you were an amazing therapist. I'm currently starting my own journey of healing from childhood trauma and I can't stop watching your videos. You're an amazing human being!

[@angeliquedemeijere5980]

Me too Im very happy to have found you! I loved your doc about care home. The puzzle comes together more and more 4 me. Thank you!! I wonder how many therapist have healed theire childhood trauma...since I never heard one talking about this, except for some alternative therapists.

[@russellm7530]

I'm lonely and hurt and have been for many years. I really need a miracle to help me. I can't see things getting better otherwise. God bless anyone hurt and down and has neglectful abusive narcissistic families.

[@SuperLotus]

I hope he's able to influence more therapists to become better. I've pretty much given up on finding one.

[@stevemoore9509]

Hey Alex I wish you well.

[@DzevadTopcic]

same here .. except in 2023

[@RekLara]

I wish more people would listen to this man. He needs a mainstream presence. Earth is in critical condition. I'm doing my work, quietly, personally, slowly, carefully becoming an ally to my traumatised inner child. Humanity needs to heal and this humble but compassionate self-work is the key; and vanity & self-conceit are the locks.

[@Paul-cl6uo]

“Doing my work, quietly, personally, slowly, carefully becoming an ally to my traumatised inner child”. Love this. I can relate and feel the same. I’ve watched a few of these videos today for the first time and found myself disagreeing with quite a bit of the content on other videos and was going to comment but decided not to. We are all on our own journey and it looks different for everyone and different for us at different times. I wish you well 💛

[@spiritwanderer777]

I love his stuff but mainstream is not ready to go that deep. Most people aren't

[@Sketch_Sesh]

As I kid, I sensed I was on my own. No healthy, sane parents to give me good advice or guidance... had to figure life out for myself. As a middle aged adult, things are still the same. Just gives me more sympathy for myself and what I had to go through at a young age.

[@hilaldeniz1094]

Same here, Sketch.

[@Sketch_Sesh]

@Peach Brain Obey your parents only if they are Godly and moral. That's why Jesus says the person who loves parents more than me is not worthy...who are my mother and brothers, those who do the will of the father...i came to divide father against son, mother against daughter etc... lots of versus on this issue

[@Sketch_Sesh]

@Peach Brain with a misinformed belief system based on false narratives and bad framework, you don't have much hope.. instead of deleting your original post and ignoring mine.. you might want to do some self-examination

[@Sketch_Sesh]

Peach Brain i hope you get through this tough time. I was trying to guide you to a stronger belief system to help you

[@Kuutamo73]

@Peach Brain I agree. I turned the other cheek and gave my abusive parents the benefit of the doubt so many times - you have no idea. Until one day I saw clearly how much this insisting on forgiving them and, worse, remiaining close to them damaged me even more.

[@snowstormonsat]

I never ever thought I'd end up lonely. I had the most full life, full of friends and so very busy. I attracted all the wrong kinds of people, got so badly burned, I cut everyone out of my life. Couldn't take it anymore. I'm currently unemployed after working 2-3 jobs all my life. Struggling bad with how to put myself back out there. Went through so much trauma I needed to isolate for a while to heal but it's going on a few years now and can't motivate myself to get back out there. Afraid to date, don't really want to work, and not meeting any friends where I live. I do snuggle with my cats and I have my dog and my daughter but otherwise alone. Loved it at first but I have days where I just want to talk with someone. I do work one day a week caring for an elderly lady and I love spending time with her but she is only companion I have and I'm only 51. Just never thought I'd end up like this. I was most driven ambitious person and lost it.

[@kirstinstrand6292]

If I can offer a suggestion, maybe find a therapist who is willing to explore your childhood relationship to your parents - focusing on your parent's behaviors and idiosyncrasies - NOT yours. Then, after a while, look at their behaviors affected you. You seem like you have the potential to get a better life for yourself. Pls don't give up.❤

[@mooskamoo]

You sound great. Honest and self reflecting, I’m sure you’ll be fine. Stay self confident and I’m sure things will improve.

[@TheSporewow]

That's rough man...

[@Deadinaditchofficial]

Dude- You just spoke my own story. I’m a little bit younger- 36, but everything you said tic all my boxes. I was voted homecoming king (which led to being violently bullied out of a high school), I later had a very genuine group of friends at work and in bands I played in, and somewhere in the last 12 years or so, literally everything changed. Everyone in my life seemed to change. My friends all betrayed me, sometimes after a while, but invariably. I attracted the worst toxic relationships. I went from feeing I had a good foundation in life, to becoming an alcoholic who clung to booze to ease my anxiety/depression and for social reasons, into heroin addiction after becoming homeless. I haven’t held down a job for longer than a few months. I haven’t found anyone worthy of being a friend (and the rest betray their charade. Every roommate I’ve had ends in a living nightmare. Ive done in patient psychiatric care, Ive been on two antidepressants at the highest dosage, to no help and the libido of a post-menopausal grandmother. I too have isolated out of pure necessity. I’m no longer hopeful that I’ll find a friend or lover worthy of connection/relationship. I’ve learned to appreciate being alone, but it does get lonely. I’m skeptical about any psychological data, so I don’t think isolation has to be as damaging as new studies show, but I know for a fact it’s changed my ability to be in any social situation for any length of time. I certainly become a person of “high interest” for my anti-social behavior wherever I go, which is just a fancy way of saying that certain people seem to keep me under surveillance. Every few months or so I seriously think about ending it all. I mean SERIOUSLY ending it. I quit the hard drugs in 2018, and I can’t stand drinking to extremes anymore, and meditation/yoga/exercise/nature walks only go so far….. there just seems like there’s no hope of relief. Like it’s just a shit world of unsolvable trauma. I have zero answers dude, I just wanted to say I get it. I’m there with you in my own way from over here. I hate “don’t give up” and keep your head up and all that fucking bullshit so I won’t say that…. Only that you just described my situation as your own and to let you know how much I get it, and how much I appreciated reading your related experience.

[@PCAGA2298]

Loneliness is a big problem when you are aging with a serious chronic illness. All friends are gone. Most of my family have discarded me. All the standard advice on how to overcome loneliness is not possible with this level of illness. There are many, many others out there in this same situation ❤

[@josha7248]

I’m 43 and felt this. I often think of how alone I am when I need someone’s help with something to do w my health. I am relatively healthy but things happen and I know there will come a point where the inability or lack of someone in my life will eventually lead me to die alone.

[@kirbylover37]

​@@josha7248Life alert?

[@josha7248]

@@kirbylover37 I’ve fallen and I can’t get up 😩 😂

[@danielwells774]

This is my biggest fear for the future. I'm still young and healthy, but being old and infirm is something that scares me.

[@WHYISEVERYHANDLEALREADYTAKEN9]

It's like being gregor samsa

[@cristinamagurean]

"I had to become a parent for myself...and I think that is fundamentally true for everybody" ...I could not agree with you more, Daniel. Thank you for this beautiful message of wisdom. Great video!

[@NeistovyAngel]

Personally, I've never seen a 'needy' person in my life. It is a derogatory term, used by nasty ppl, who can't give anything in a relationship. I had a very bad friend, who made me feel as I was 'needy' but in reality they were not really interested in me except for the services I could provide them with. They were the real needy people. When they had a need of my time and money THEN they would come to me and were SUPER nice. 😁 afterwards they would forget about me for months.

[@NOT_SURE..]

they were projecting their needyness onto you so they didnt have to deal with it ,

[@NeistovyAngel]

@@NOT_SURE.. and I accepted their projections bc of my low self-esteem. When I protested, that the relationship was extremely unbalanced, I was immediately called needy. Poor stupid me XD.

[@NOT_SURE..]

@@NeistovyAngel yeah , if you protest you will become a threat then, you will threaten to upset the balance of the relationship and they will then try even harder to put you back in that place which worked for them before whether its as their therapist , general dogsbody (people pleasers will be worked to the bone by the narcissists, agony aunt, or worse . I think a lot of relationships at the sub concious level are aweful , and as loiuse hay said , ''you've been critisizing yourself for years and it hasnt worked , try approving of yourself and see what happens', once your unconcious mind starts saying ' Im a decent person and i'm good enough as i am ' things will change , BUT word of warning ALL your friends might dissappear because they won't be able to handle the new you , especially if you turn into a calm adult with some strong boundries

[@NeistovyAngel]

@@NOT_SURE.. they are false friends and a waste if time and energy.

[@NOT_SURE..]

@@NeistovyAngel yes , they do you a favour by running away, i think real friends will sit and listen to you , and never put you down with negative name calling,

[@constellation3164]

a minute in, hes explaining how loneliness feels and im in tears because all the things he said really hits home. ive been so alone for months now, ive cut off all my friends because they just dont care about me anymore and 1 of my friends has been manipulating me my whole childhood. i broken up and stopped talking to someone i loved so much and could consider my "best friend" since they know me so much, but being in a relationship with them cost me a lot of pain. im just so filled with burden but no one to talk to. daniel is spot on when he says that when youre lonely you become so full of emotion that you dont know where to put it, thats exactly what im going through. im just crying watching this, i wish i could finally belong. being lonely does make life seem more hopeless, it makes it harder for me to find a way out and get my shit together

[@cristinamagurean]

Very impressed by your comment...I have been in the same situation many times but...somehow, I got out...I hope you do, too...

[@constellation3164]

@@cristinamagurean thank you, im glad to hear someone has been in the same situation and finally got out of it, gives me some hope ❤ i hope i get out of it soon too, cant waste any more of my youth on this

[@BlackCatedialogue]

Same to hit a nail in my head!

[@koriribarsosio4174]

❤❤

[@NOT_SURE..]

same thing has happened to me , i have no friends and dont even see family now , it all went wrong when i realised what projection was and that insecure people want someone around to project onto , and that was me because i had low self esteem and wouldnt answer back , then i started standing up fro myself , i stopped self depricating and i stopped being nice to people , (it doesnt show the insecure ones how nice YOU are , it shows them how UN-nice they are and they dont like that ....i withdrew when i realised the world is insane

[@theonetruechelsoir]

Thank you for not being ashamed of how lonely you once were, or not acting on that shame if it's still something that's with you. I'm in that place. I'm afraid that people can smell my neediness--and I can see that, that feeling is shame. So thank you for not hiding how lonely you once were.

[@elipotter369]

Daniel, "giving" may be an appropriate strategy for some, but I found for me it meant I had a horrible time and wasted energy trying to build connections with people who were profoundly unpleasant! I moved to this new city some years ago my observation is this is a town where people of all ages are desperately lonely, or in established long term groups which are often based on shallow values. I literally have met 100s of people in multiple situations and groups. I am pleasant, helpful and outgoing. I have stuck with some groups for long periods of time and nothing deeper happens. I concluded my only likely "in" is to do things I don't enjoy and don't have the energy for just to be in a group, or hook up with some doozy of the opposite sex - neither of which I am prepared to do because I value being true to myself. So I stopped wasting time and energy trying to connect. I guess I believe there are some nice groups out there, I just haven't met them yet. In the meantime, I am concentrating on a couple of hobbies and once I can share these skills in groups, I will look and see what I can find. I also hope to explore new areas to potentially live in where the social culture might be less brutal. I have also reflected deeply and am learning to improve my social skills. I am an open, friendly and honest person, but none of that goes down well with people who are all caught up in their own insecurities and suspiciousness. Having given up on trying to reach out socially for the time being, i am focussed on doing what I enjoy and value and taking good care of myself. So I actually feel very little of loneliness, even though I have less conversation per week than your one hour client. I know I can take care of myself and do things I love and I have plans. I hope I can make better connections with people at some point, but my happiness doesn't depend on it.

[@deemaysie6568]

I share lots of these thoughts too. Browsing the comment sections lightens that nagging feeling that there are no quality people left in this world.

[@elipotter369]

@@deemaysie6568 your comment prompted me to reread what I said 3 years ago! And reflect on an update. Found a really wonderful art class, but not until after suffering my way through a really horrible one - the teacher's personality and skills can make a huge difference. I just keep re enrolling, building new skills and hanging out with kind creative gentle people. Secondly, learning a second language - it takes up too much time, and it's been extremely challenging at times - both the learning and the people. But it's intellectually good for me. Haven't made any deeper connections with anyone and am going to try some less intense classes soon. Still working on social skills, still happy wirh my own activities. Have got a tiny list of new groups to try, but am busy and am relaxed about how they go. Haven't moved, health not so great, but hopefully will find my good place eventually. Did visit a different location in another country to think about if I wanted to relocate to a nicer, friendlier place. Hope your journeys goes well.

[@deemaysie6568]

@@elipotter369 Well done! Keep going

[@elipotter369]

@@deemaysie6568 thanks. I hope you're finding some good and enjoyable things, and hopefully people, in life too.

[@danielwells774]

@@deemaysie6568 +1

[@zachfoor]

You are a remarkable human being and a true servant of the people. Thank you for all you do, sir!

[@johnfogarty1874]

The best on KZbin 👏👏👏

[@Pneumarose]

I see loneliness as representative of what we all fear the most, nothingness. It’s beyond the human drama.

[@comoane]

Yes, it's entirely natural, inherent to being human, to fear nothingness.....but loneliness I believe springs from feeling empty, like nothing, because you are not seen, because you don't really exist in the eyes, heart and attention of the other. And thus are not getting the most fundamental of all things, the solace and soothing of our fear of nothingness by acknowledging one another's realness and importance, by offering warmth and kindness in a fearful world. It's called love and no spiritual or metaphysical insight can trump that need.

[@the81kid]

Meaning is found in relationships. Lonely people cannot find, or cannot form, human connection. If there's no meaning in life, that must be the worst thing possible for a human being.

[@humanrightsatfirst9163]

@@comoane Aaaw, awsome ! 👏👏👍👍 You got it ! Wonna be friends ?

[@humanrightsatfirst9163]

@@the81kid Georgious ! You understood the meaning of lonelyness 🏆 !! 😘

[@angeliquedemeijere5980]

@@the81kid true

[@alexlupi3108]

I wish I could help this channel blow up, the value of your content is amazingly high, you should have 10 times the likes at least. Bless.

[@gracesanity6314]

Lonelyness is simply a disconnection from your healthy self. When that thought (lonelyness is not a feeling, it's a belief of a thought) hits, parent yourself, stroke yourself and say " l hear you, but we have each other, etc etc. That thought will pass. Externals will never ever soothe that thought of lonelyness, only you. That is the power in your hands. Be in the world but be your very best friend. To be human and sane and separate from the herd will bring up aloness. Self care it to death. Oh and rescue a lonely animal companion. Works for me.

[@user-dq2ym1nn9k]

I hug myself too. I wrap my warm arms around myself and cry and it feels amazing

[@tudorrenegade7052]

I used to feel lonely until I found my soul. Now never feel lonely even though I didn't have any friends for a long time. It's like that song says, "you're never alone"

[@isakmloyeni920]

this is it

[@wisefox76]

Daniel, I just want to say that you're a remarkable person. You overcame a lot in your life and then used it to help others. And your explanation of these topics is great.

[@jnewmark41]

Loneliness is really the result of NOT learning how to BE the person you want to be WITH. Society does not encourage us to learn to love our own company. The ILLUSION of loneliness comes from the unexamined thoughts that one is alone. In a country of close to 400 million people, the illusion of loneliness starts with questioning one's thoughts/beliefs about it. A lot also depends on Introvert/Extrovert part of personality. In other words, the illusion of being alone is the result of unexplored thoughts that one is separate from another...... in MY opinion.

[@RevolutionaryThinking]

Right the best relationship is the one you can have with yourself.

[@raphaelna1]

Someone can love themselves and still feel alone or even lonely

[@Spacewolf01]

​@@raphaelna1I disagree. Learning to truly embrace ones self & becoming self aware leads to a greater need for and love of solitude.

[@jbates725]

Living with chronic (physical, "invisible") illnesses for 39 years now (since birth), I am lonelier and lonelier by the year. I can't be at all consistent about going to even activities I love, and can't go to many at all, and no one understands my life and limitations. It's a very isolated, lonely "life".

[@paperfrost]

I relate to this, Jocelyn. Wish there were a way for people with such limitations to find a better sense of community, acceptance, and understanding from others.

[@palmamingozzi5736]

I understand where you are coming from. I find that some days we have to just sit back and feel what we couldn’t as children. The parents we didn’t have, that’s the lingering thought. It’s okay to feel sad. Carry on. I love to talk and listen to people including you, you’re the best, thank you 💖

[@not2tees]

I was "trained" by my upbringing to empathize with both rather different parents. But until I was an adult, and had been one for a long while, and having gone through a long guru-devotional stretch, I finally reversed the Christian dictum of Do Unto Others: give yourself the respect and empathy you give to others! And this was pretty huge for me. Thank you for your wise and helpful words, Daniel.

[@Zero11576]

Thanks Daniel I am very lonely but your videos have helped me a lot.

[@michaeljensen4650]

Daniel I'm sorry but I disagree profoundly. I hear this same philosophy from people all the time. My experience is the more you give the more people will take. They will take and take and take and give very little in return. When you need them they are never there. Friends like these are like fashion they come and go with the seasons. Even when you are emotionally healthy and have good boundaries for yourself and with others it makes little difference. We live in a profoundly sick society. Imagine living on an island where everyone was mentally ill but a very small group of people. How would you feel. Good people who are caring and who reciprocate are very rare. Not all selfish people suffer from a personality disorder. However most people is our modern dystopia are very self centered. They are not interested in you other than your ability to make them feel good. They only want you when they can benefit or profit from you in some way. Loneliness has reached epidemic proportions in our society. It is not just people who are unsuccessful or unattractive who are lonely it is nearly everyone. We have an epidemic of greed, vanity, and pathological Narcissism in our culture. In such a dangerous climate it is not wise to be overly empathetic. Being open and kind is looked on as weakness. A giving person is someone who gets taken advantage of. What is it about our culture that is creating these problems. Until we get at the root of the problem, loneliness, addiction, and personality disorders will continue to proliferate. You cannot cure a disease by treating the symptom. Being a kind and loving person with good boundaries is not enough to resolve this global pandemic.

[@8scatterbrain8]

totally agree. if you give more, most people will just take more. also, most people don't even care about deep human connections, they just find it boring and unnecessary, because utilitarianism is the dominant philosophy nowadays.

[@janesmith8822]

Michael, I had a feeling that this was so until something really traumatic happened in my life and it was confirmed. No exciting stories of community rallying around to help me or sitting with me in my darkest days. What made it profoundly worse was that the terrible event which occurred and resulted in death highlighted the very selfishness of friends who I had always helped until I really needed help and their extremely expensive quote for something they would have done for family for much cheaper (had in fact done for free ) made me go for a secondary option which resulted in said death. I know successful people don't blame people so I am not gonna give info etc about this on a public forum to explain further, sorry it sounds mysterious, just giving background, I can't quite get over it, and of course I blame myself as well every single day. Added to this, their idea to help me get out of my grieving mess was to organise an event for them to take my mind off it and I did it too and paid for stuff! SOLUTION I was going to say to you that rethinking boundaries helps but you have covered it. I have found another way in the world where people are less selfish is in team sport or dance. It ticks all the boxes. Boundaries are good because you don't really get a chance to get to know each other very quickly, but you can take up to a year before getting to know people well. Don't go doing drinks etc immediately after the first meeting. The other thing is when an event comes up because it is a team sport people need to help each other otherwise the performance/show is ruined. The other side affect is better health and endorphins are nice too. So yes nice way to be communal as we were born to be, without this selfishness that seems to rule everyone these days.

[@samwallaceart288]

I beg to differ. It all depends on scenario. My parents live in a rather standoffish neighborhood with tense relations there; the whole neighborhood is unwelcoming and not conducive to healthy relationships. Just a ten minute walk away is my job at a restaurant; literally every one of my coworkers is friendly and empathetic, the awkwardness and selfishness only ever comes from my end really. You’d be surprised how just a ten minute walk can bring an entirely different culture and atmosphere.

[@yusepp]

I sense that a lot of you are coming from a place of resenfulness, frustration and hurt. It seems that you are all giving from a place of escarcity, from a place of giving without having your own needs met first. So therefore you feel resentful towards the world. Make sure that you meet your needs and desires. They are important. They must come before giving. THEN, giving feels good.

[@michaeljensen4650]

@Michael Yates To some degree you are correct my views are partly anecdotal. However, if we look at what is happening in the world around us the evidence is quite clear. It is not a matter of opinion that we are experiencing tremendous social upheaval, political unrest, economic uncertainty and environmental disaster. That is a fact. Greed and lust for unlimited power are at the root of all these problems.

[@marialetiziabrusi3238]

I really like you! You have been through a lot and i really respect how you just let yourself be vulnerable with us . I perceive it as brave and a little provocative, which I love. I've found myself very lonely too at times, I feel you and I wish you the best.

[@christine96-o1o]

This helps me in my battle of loneliness. Thank you!

[@Merseyrock]

Hats off! to you: For being caring, compassionate, and having a genuine depth in your understanding of the human condition, shared humbly and unpretentiously.

[@the81kid]

In my humble opinion, and I think everyone recognizes this, the best thing to do for someone - including someone with loneliness - is just to listen. Just to show that they have value as a human being, and that their needs and feelings matter. Non-judgemental, but attentive, listening. This is what so many, probably most people, in the world lack. Lonely people feel like, they recognize, that nobody cares if they exist or not. Just listening to someone, listening without the ego judging what they say.

[@purelylindsay]

This is one of the most useful things I've seen on the internet in a while. Thank you so much for sharing this, it was emotional how much I related.

[@scottmawhinney6508]

seems like there are a lot of us that went through the same thing I enjoy your videos your shedding a light on my journey

[@methoxyll]

Thanks for your videos 😊 love your genuineness

[@femininejewel]

We are longing for REAL CARE not just SOMEONE to talk too If we connect to ourselves in our loneliness, we cant connect to another REALLY

[@marionoschelmuller1718]

On the one hand I think there´s a lot of painful truth, that I really don´t like to hear in what you´ve said here, but which is good to hear, but on the other hand maybe some of what I am not sure is actually gonna work has some truth in it too (how would I know?): I am 20yrs old and I have been lonely for most of my life and the saddest thing about it is, that I always had so deep empathy for others and listened and cared so much and helped where I could, but I was shut down as a child and caring for others really didn´t help. They always rejected and bullied me and I, full of shame, didn´t stand up for myself. I found a teacher who cares for me, but then I had to move so it´s just me n my therapist who also cares, but it´s like a devil´s spiral loneliness. For me it´s not only about resentment so much that I don´t care about others as much (which is probably still extremely much compared to most ppl I know), but it´s like the lonlier I get the less energy and meaning I feel and so I just run out of empathy and I can´t connect when I am so exhausted from lonlieness easily or even with great effort sometimes. But I guess it´s just suffering through it, healing and coming out the other side somehow magically. It seems like a neverending story. But I have so much love to give and so much energy somewhere down there and I will do all I can to not fall for giving up so easily, because ppl CAN change, most ppl I know don´t even believe that. I can´t imagine how hopeless and lonely they must be somewhere on the inside.

[@camillawiking]

I'm reading a lot of comments below 👇 where people still carry the default belief that giving is actually about receiving something back. But is that really giving though? Isn't that more a transaction if we have expectations when we "give"?We can easily go beyond that prestabilized belief and actually meet all our own needs - by ourselves. When we do you meet the need by simply becoming your best friend, your own parent, etc and lonelyness is not something you "suffer". Take your consciousness beyond everything that you think you know and this will liberate your mind from always having expectations. You move from a deficiency mode and perspective, where you always lack something - to a being perspective. You'll are thrilled to just be in existence. Would that be so bad? 🇸🇪🇮🇹🌷✅

[@chanelknight6880]

I love your videos 💚

[@asoo342]

Thank you so much Daniel❤ Much love ❤

[@jackrippper3389]

your childhood photos look quite stoic. very adorable though and thanks for sharing them!

[@zensvlognotapro]

Me what makes me lonely or sad are when my family, friends are not doing good in life, when i feel they need help but i cannot give enough to them especially on financial aspect.

[@dieda2317]

When you look a the attachement Theorie its more like that "needy" people often look for avoident people. And avoident are looking for anxious people. People who are people pleasers because they are so anxious about loosing the other one. But in case the avoident is needy too but covers it up with hyper independence. So i would say its about the people you are turning too. When your needs where neglected as a child you intuitively turning to people who remind you of your early attachment experience. And this is often with people who neglect you and remind you of your early caregivers. People who would be good for you are feeling odd or you find them boring. You find it strange when someone is truly caring. Instead the anxious and avoident find together so often. But both are empty of love. They need to change they type of people they are conecting with.

[@dieda2317]

Anxious and needy are the same category when it comes to this theory. This theory helped me a lot in life to see thing clear

[@katewilliamson4464]

I think it is hard to feel a sense of belonging when you don't fit in to conventional settings like the workplace or school. When I finally broke away from the system and worked on healing, I tried less to fit and felt glad I didn't. As Daniel explains, good connections start appearing. Change comes about through a dedication to self knowledge, healing, parenting yourself to become an adult and knowing the world (waking up).

[@alifa4438]

Thank u daniel, ure giving me hope 💖💖💖

[@venust.4119]

I love your videos because they set things straight and give a lot of food for thought.

[@a-livinghope.]

I relate to this heavily ... Ive spent so many years in darkness and thankfully with serious painful waking and healing I was able to find the Light. I still feel a sullen longing and deep loneliness but its no longer suffocating. It's been a long emotional ride of grief, but im no longer in bondage spiritually or mentally from the demonic entities who thought could kill me. I am still very isolated but I'd prefer to have it this way if that means receiving the truth. The truth brings excruciating pain ... but seeking Christ through the pain, is what will allow you to hold on and find purpose in this dark world. He will comfort and strengthen you. Seek and you shall find. Seeking the truth has allowed me to forgive and the more I forgive, the more I'm able to experience and feel what real love is. I may never be able to find or receive real love here in the flesh, but I'm able to find it through Christ in my heart and soul. With his love, I'm able to forgive those who've abused me and pray for them. What kind of love is realer than that? I never imagined such a miracle could happen. I have a purpose with meaning . I can now endure through this life with the reminder that nothing here is for forever.

[@heidilarxen3165]

What do you think would be good to do if relationships with other people is almost always about other people needing someone to listen, help with the cost that I fx. do not get much out of the friendships and nobody knows who I am?

[@987sunrise]

great video. I'll start journaling again.

[@tallywagsdogtraining3407]

I just listened to an older video on children who estranged from their parents. You are spot on! I only wish that my mother even cared enough to want me back in her life so that i could send her that link..

[@janesmith8822]

@Anne-Lou You are human and life happens and maybe if she lived till you were older things would have changed. Many people don't have perfect relationships with their parents but unfortunately we just hear about those who do or those who lie that they do. Not many are honest. Imagine if at Christmas someone posted a dysfunctional family photo on social media. Would be nice.

[@bri3449]

Sorry to hear you’re going through this. I wish my parents were honest with themselves and admitted they don’t know what love or caring is so therefore they can’t feel that way for me, or not even themselves.

[@BarbaraMerryGeng]

What a powerful talk !

[@marleyofficialmedia]

Thank you 😊

[@greyfox9796]

What a beautiful being :)

[@erindabney2758]

I’m sorry, Daniel, the most detrimental, harmful thing. Any mental health professional has ever told me is that everything Hass to come from within myself. That’s not how I function. Being more self focused has turned me into an asshole. Now my existence feels pointless. Because it’s entirely about me. It’s not about, my tribe, my partner, my community, the collective. Now that we’ve become such a self focused culture, I do what I want when I want (mostly) whether it helps or hurts people. And it’s actually made me like myself less. And I’m a lot more lonely and I’m not happier.

[@energysurgefitness1738]

I feel like that's what I'm becoming.

[@PCAGA2298]

It’s good that you realize this. So very true ❤

[@MrIgorl01]

You must first be selfish to become healthy so that later you could become selfless. Hope that make sense 🙏

[@erindabney2758]

@@MrIgorl01 It totally makes sense. It’s just that me being selfish doesn’t improve my health or well-being or sanity because I get super hedonistic. I need the concern for others in order to generate concern for myself.

[@Noelciaaa]

I think it's about balance. He comes from a place of giving too much of himself to others and needing to pull back and give some of that love to himself. But if someone has been doing the opposite, they need to open up more and give to others. Perhaps that's why what he says doesn't work for you

[@bluebird2833]

I’m truly grateful for this- thank you.

[@etc9111]

Thank you Daniel

[@mihaeladumitrescu984]

I've been talking to my parents, relatives and friends a lot more all this time I've been in a different country. Back at home I'd often have a pasive aggressive relationship with my parents, and it is often worsened by the bulling I got from work. I'd come home exhausted from simply being around my co-workers and boss, plus having to attend college classes, because I don't want to spend the rest of my career life at this work place, I only took it as a temporary solution, but the people there have a different kind of mentality, they are people that have been raised and educated during the communist regim, and most of them are from the rural areas (they still live there and own land and do what most farmers do, yet they also have full time jobs in the capital at a state institution), while all I've known most my life was to be in school studing (I haven't worked a day in my life till I was 27). I've been seen as a lunatic for most of my life, people are often afraid of me, from the way I look and talk to my behaivor and ideology of life. I often tend to exagerate things and say them in a round about way (often using metaphores and analogies), and not even the closest people do not understand me. I am truly amaized when people say nice things about me, not to mention when they choose to be my friends (which, unfortunately, I don't have many and I still doubt them and test their friendship each chance I get). As a kid I wished people would leave me alone, mainly because I was often asked to do things at home, at school, by friends, and later on at work (things outside the job description - errands, physical labour, extra hours), things which often seem intelectually demeaning to me. Now that I am physically alone most of my time I also find it hard to connect not only to others, but also to myself. I feel afraid to be with myself, I am very conscious of that. I keep saying I'm afraid to go back home and face my parents with the major mistakes I've once again made here. Facing a potential financial and moral debt towards them. Because they kept drilling into my mind the idea to excell, and not to repeat the "dezaster" I had back in medical school, when I quit half way through and I ended up depressed locking myself in my room each day when they would come home in the afternoon, while lying to them that I am fine and that I'm still in college. I've changed my major several times since then, but the big disappointment that they won't have a medical doctor in the family still looms over our family, because I promised something and couldn't deliver I have shamed my whole family, my parents felt shame for me towards my grandparents, other relatives and even co-workers (my mom kept repeating to me "how can the janitor lady's daughter end up a medic and my daughter who comes from a family with high education, whose father was once a university dean, and has been through some of the best schools in the country not be able to"). Something recent, that affected me a lot once I came to study in Poland, was my father, unknowingly let his mind slip out into the expression of "Do not disappoint me!". It felt like a curse. Here I am a person with a lot of insecurities, low self-esteem, that has been carring depression around on her for over a decade, that finds herself alone in new country where she doesn't speak the language, doesn't know the customs and has never lived alone ever before, plus has a lot of social and schooling obligations she has set out for and he drops this bomb on my head "DO NOT DIAPPOINT ME!". Guess what? I did. I've barely managed to make half of my credits, I've only befriended 2 colleagues that came from the same country as me and I'm still not that close to them because I am a difficult person. Sorry about my ranting again, I currently really don't know who to talk to. I keep leaving comments here and there hoping someone will notice me and be curious enough to talk to me.

[@Thatsbannanas-d8c]

Hello 👋 I’m curious.

[@mihaeladumitrescu984]

@@Thatsbannanas-d8c Hi, I'm also curious as to what exactly makes you curious. A lot has happened since I've posted here.

[@meganjohnson9540]

My friend the cat used to bring me dead mice and birds. It was a sweet gesture. I feel like a caring parent may have been nicer. Hard to say.

[@kirstinstrand6292]

There is a large difference between loneliness and emptiness! Many do not understand the difference. I've always had too many interests to feel empty. Loneliness comes and goes, depending on how connected I am to daily projects. Lately, I've realized 😳 that my mother was plagued by feelings of emptiness. I believe that she filled up her emptiness by becoming a semi-fanatical Christian. Of course, she tried her best to get all her children to accept J.C. This totally turned her children against her. It's all VERY sad, if not tragic.😢

[@kirstinstrand6292]

Then, as another factor to consider is feeling alone. I felt alone in my five member family. Does everyone know the differences between these qualities of feeling somewhat 🤔 isolated? Cocoon like? I'm thinking aloud here.

[@leilarhymeswithsheila1344]

Ooh. WISE words.

[@DanielHewson]

you are the GOAT!!!

[@TheJedynak]

Perhaps you could make a separate video about therapists working on themselves and the difficulties they face?

[@charthers8903]

For you to be able to give you have to find people who are willing to receive.. Most people won’t even give you a chance to give to them and be generous with them..

[@babsy2023]

🤯 phenomenal. These are my thoughts and now I don’t feel alone

[@crystalegan8088]

Thanks for sharing your perspective & experiences. I've watched a few of your videos.....I really like how u combine methods of self discovery (including the ugly & beautiful truths) & common sense. I like how your brain works. Somehow you are able to lay out complex topics in a way that is both analytical & deeply emotional but in a very honest way. Thank you for doing the work you have done, not just with your prior practice but within yourself and for sharing that.

[@peters8080]

17:34. In my view this is exactly 50% true. See Polyvagal Theory, we are engineered as social beings.

[@Elaine-uc4un]

I feel exactly as you described. I have rejection sensitive dysphoria (I have adhd) and only one person understands me, and they also have adhd and rsd.

[@milegimenz9102]

thank you so much daniel

[@RandyR]

What loneliness. i am physcally alone 90 to 95 % of the time. No longer have weekends or holidays. Price I paid for getting old, falling apart and losing my career. Thankfully, I finally found a counselor. I have had to learn how to be comfortable with myself. Outlet is making videos, helping others on line and not think about it. Most of my time is spent trying to sale my belongings and fund raising. It really becomes real when I am at a restaurant.

[@humanrightsatfirst9163]

In England they've a minister in their parliament for this topic, it shows that they accept the impact it has on people, that they don't want to leave the people alone with their needs and that they take it serious, I look up to them for it and I think it can quite be a role model. A step into the right direction !!

[@gingerisevil02]

Omg YES!! My trauma has gotten worse due to loneliness! :/

[@humanrightsatfirst9163]

What an ill society we are living in ! Many people are lonely, they're not allowed to be themselves and show their feelings, so called friends are leaving if you're weak because of it and the complete responsibility is on the shoulders of the people, who suffer from lonelyness, perhaps also from other heavy fades ? Is it quite possible that we accept too much ?? I think we could change a lot if we demonstrate in common for a better care for children and teenage persons, cause everything starts in childhood ! We should expect something from our parents and those, who have the luck of a better life and we should make clear that we don't accept neglect in any way !! We take animals home and care for them as if they're our children and we all know it is the right thing to do, why not careing in the same way for humans ? I think, we should do more for the acceptance of the real needs of people in our societies... How shell a weak person give all to him/ herself, if even a person with a healthy life and a strong social environment can't do it ??

[@ayacouzi2965]

Loving your videos, I really like how you explain your ideas!

[@BonitaLiving]

Always learning from you. Thank you ❤️

[@masked321321]

18:30 Thanks I think I needed to hear that tbh

[@happytrails699]

Your videos are always so helpful. I so agree, everyone to some degree is lonely. I have come to see that my 24 yr old son who suffers from anxiety & depression, has a hard time giving to others. He is so centered on his own problems, feelings, anxieties, he has a hard to going outside of himself.

[@comoane]

That must make you reflect on your self and the way you've been parenting him.

[@happytrails699]

@@comoane Not really. The majority of the specialists I have talked to regarding my son's obsessional thinking, have all felt that his OCD is due to an uncommon mutation of the human serotonin transporter gene.

[@rae-annhendershot508]

I feel the most freedom when I am alone.

[@Cvandyful]

Daniel, I have been watching yout channel for several months now. I respect your opinions immensely. May I ask how you feel about how our personalities add to how we deal with trauma. Incidentally, what is your perspective on personality tests and typing? Thank you for all the help you've provided to me.

[@nikolas424]

Primary responsibility is to yourself first. You are a person too. Become your own best friend, even if it is the hardest challenge ever pursued. Other people cannot do the inner work for you!!!

[@bw2442]

Like he said ,if we are so far down and have no desire or tools to work on ourself then hire a therapist, good luck finding a good one, but ultimately, sooner or later it comes down to us doing the work on ourselves and learning to love all the unlovely discarded parts of ourselves with Gods help.... were never alone, God is with us. Just can't feel him very often because our stories and pain get in the way.

[@zoenittatoler1622]

Loneliness and thought it can come from your childhood that you want a friend to talk to or you feel they don't like me or they want to be around me it can come from our parents how they were lonely no friend to talk to

[@justinebourke9449]

My absolute best and only consistent friend as a kid was my cat..I was devastated and traumatised by her death.

[@heidilarxen3165]

I don't feel lonely even though I nolonger see my friends. I just feel used when I have friends how do you think I can meet other kinds of people?

[@soioioioioioio34]

You don't get back what you give it's a lie. Shit happens period

[@jhb61249]

This is not a simple straight line all sizes fit all issue. Making a simplified generalized statement or recommendation does not suit every situation. I have been alone pretty much for 74 years. Loneliness rares up at times, but to go back and revisit the turmoil of old "togetherness" just is not worth it. Being alone is not loneliness. I love my own company. I love the company of good, well behaving people, but few can offer that. The world is crazy and I may be the worst of all but I'm surviving.

[@piecebearer2966]

This is gold

[@magdalena.slavova]

so useful thinking

[@jenniferfox8382]

How did you find those people that had the same values? Where are these people?

[@isabellekeyzer]

dr Dick Schwartz wrote a book: You're the one you've been waiting for

[@ZionsBreath]

Ty.

[@Deweythesecond]

Hey man. Big fan of your videos. Love 'em. I wonder if you've thought of getting a stronger mic and maybe a more decent lighting setup? There's a guy called Peter McKinnon on KZbin that gives tutorials on how he sets up his videos. I just think if the videos 'look' more professional, you'll probably bring in far more subscribers and I think your visa needs to be seen by more people! Cheers :)

[@homquist]

Daniel, what are your thoughts on using cannabis to help connect with your inner self.

[@trinleywangmo]

Modern "medical" marijuana has far too great a potential for causing psychosis (even if just temporarily, given the high THC content) and that's NOT the right environment to sit and self-reflect in... but the question is, why would you want to be in an altered state of mind to investigate your inner self? How could you be certain in that frame of mind, that it IS your true inner self, and not just a projection based on your medicalized state?

[@kerendn]

How do you feel safe in your travels? And would you feel as safe if you were a woman? Do you feel anxiety when in a foreign place? I'd love to hear your thoughts about developing a sense of safety and well being in new situations and places and with new people.

[@davidcawrowl3865]

During lonely times after a marriage break-up, a fellow would have no contact for sometimes 24 hrs, and the realization was that this was not healthy. So, one idea was to look at the classified ads in the local paper and make a phone call to inquire about an item the person was selling. Here you would have an engaging conversation about why he was selling it, the condition it was in, was the price negotiable and etc. When in reality there was no interest at all in the item. The ulterior motive was to have human contact. Sounds rather sad and pathetic...But it fit the bill.

[@raphaelna1]

I disagree too. I believe you can be a giving person, and in return have people in your life who reciprocate that to you. But, you can also be a giving person and still have very few to no people in your life who give back. Thats just life. The former example are just lucky people i guess. The latter group just unlucky.

[@Akcd11r2002]

What an amazing time we live in, this is what the internet was intended for.

[@HillsSilent]

Yes, spot on with taking responsibility of your own needs/loneliness. Life is cruel, I lost my mum as a child to cervical cancer... I've been in a lot of situations where I have been too needy or wanted too much from certain people. I've felt a profound loneliness for much of my life and in some ways it has gotten easier, others not so much. I'm twenty-five now, I enjoy your videos very much by the way & have viewed practically all of them over the past year or so.

[@fiachramacaonrae5449]

Health and Safety Enviroment Test for Operatives and Specialists (CITB 2019) Page 71 Sample Multiple Choice Question 8.66 Lone workers are most a risk from what: A. Violence B. Paranoia C. Sleeplessness D. Humiliation Answer A. Violence

[@aiahzohar5636]

Why do you share this, Fiachra? What message do you think this conveys?

[@heidilarxen3165]

When I left my eks I decided never to be in a one way relationship with other people again.

[@braveheart977]

I am lonely, alone and hopeless.

[@BFore-rr6ze]

Do you think applying his advice will help?

[@RhenanMartinsRepoem]

Loneliness is only a problem when it hurts. We only need something external, and that includes friends and affective relationships, when we are not able to meet our demands alone. We drink water because we do not produce water within ourselves, we seek friends because we do not produce a relationship with us, we seek love because we do not love ourselves as we are. Something like that ... just my opinion. the more cured of childhood traumas, the less relationships are needed in everyday life.

[@k.f.9875]

Only my dog could keep me from feeling lonely. And I did the biggest mistake of my life to let him go. And I cannot find him again. I am back to the old loneliness.

[@samwallaceart288]

Thanks.

[@ltraltier6009]

20:49 clearly never been on discord. the more you give of yourself, the more you'll get "thanks for the freebies loser!" and be banned and ostracized by the entire community.

[@Daneiladams555]

How do you make your money?