Why Special Events Are Crucial for People with Complex Trauma

[@twillacoates6232]

This can only happen when you have safe people to rebuild them with.

[@Spritual-life-lessons]

Yes that is the issue, not sure if there is anyone safe around us in the world we live in.

[@Teresa18565]

TRUTH 💣

[@abbykoop5363]

YES

[@AussieTruthSeeker]

@@twillacoates6232 so true! Unfortunately I have no support network and sadly I haven't been able to find consistently safe people to establish special occasions. I'll be spending Xmas day alone, again.

[@angelakayserilioglu8963]

Exactly 💯🎯

[@paula622]

Dysfunctional family units.. sucking the joy out of christmas I will be spending my day with my rabbits, I refuse to take part in the fake play acting, the unresolved problems, the two faced bs, the scapegoating, the lack of honest open communication, the cold hostile tone used towards the least favourite children, the family members that spend the day on their phones, I will not be exposing myself to any of it

[@NightsideOfParadise]

Well, merry Christmas 🎄 to you and your 🐇 🐇. Don't eat too much 🍫.

[@lmgutier]

I'll be doing that too! :)

[@paula622]

@@NightsideOfParadise Thank you, merry Christmas to you and yours

[@cairosilver2932]

Maybe also think about the values you'll be moving towards by spending time with your beloved animals rather than the dysfunction you are moving away from. Maybe peace, appreciation, love, hugs?

[@abbykoop5363]

I also spend holidays with my pets. Although this will be the second year I am going to work Christmas Day. When I did that, it was the least stressful Christmas ever!

[@shelleyblondeau2205]

Creating my own special days has helped me feel better about what did/didn't happen in past.

[@lmgutier]

SAME.

[@katariina7697]

That's an awesome idea, thank you. 😊

[@LisaCharleneMusic]

I wish I could find the strenght to do that. I've never been able, not at all.

[@abbykoop5363]

The only "holiday" I still celebrate is my birthday, and I celebrate it by myself usually so that no one can "ruin" it. It's amazing how many people want to change your plans for you and the "special day" just becomes a fight, or you wind up doing a bunch of things you hate. I am now 62 and cannot think of any positive childhood memories. There probably were some somewhere, but I honestly don't remember any. Negative memories, on the other hand, I could rattle off about a hundred without even taking a breath.

[@janny474]

Same here about the memories. Happy peaceful Christmas to you ❤

[@alysmarcus7747]

yup. i learned that a few times. stick to your plans. YOUR plans

[@kimsnyder5456]

I am trying to celebrate myself but i really feel like I'm worthless. This is coming from being totally estranged from family, losing all my friends when i healed, and being sabotaged at every level even by strangers. Mind you, I don't put up with it which is why I am totally alone at this point.

[@drabdazy3810]

I can 100% relate to pretty much everything you said. However I finally came to realize that I am not worthless despite being told that everyday and I can pretty much promise you that you are not worthless either. There is nothing wrong with either one of us people are just jealous of us because they're insecure and we're just cool like that so bricks for them.

[@laurafergs88]

My parents didn't come to either of my university graduations - given I'm the only woman in my family to have obtained a tertiary education at that point and after they'd put so much fucking emphasis on the importance of getting a higher education, it honestly felt like a knife in the heart. I don't know if I was ever important to or valued by them. I didn't need their pride, but some acknowledgement of the effort I'd made, would have been nice. Instead, I cut them out of my life four years ago today and have been in weekly therapy for almost two. The only thing I regret is that I didn't do either of those things sooner. But today I get to celebrate choosing me ❤

[@djlykaen]

I'm sorry to hear that, went through something similar, felt like i was throwing my own graduation celebration when it would normally be the family doing it. Actually forgot the tassel in my car, when i went to go get it, my dad said for me to go ahead and walk, and that they were going home.

[@laurafergs88]

@djlykaen congratulations to you for graduating and for having the self-respect to celebrate that achievement, even if your family didn't see the importance of being there for you for it. I hope you're proud of yourself for both graduating and for being the caring adult you needed yourself ☺️

[@amiblack8294]

I don't know you but I cut ties like you did. I want to tell you that you are important and valued by God the Father. When I realized how precious I was in His eyes, it didn't matter what any human thought or felt about me. I didn't need anybody's validation anymore and that made it easier to choose joy, peace, growth over pain, abuse and drama. Celebrate YOU because you are worth celebrating!! CONGRATULATIONS on your graduation as well as your evolution into who you're meant to be.

[@RM-qq5rj]

No one came to my college graduations either, and my parents said they were going to but changed their mind not long before (typical for them to pull the rug out at the last minute and change plans on me, can'ttell you how many times they'dnot followthrough with things they said they were going to do for or with me) and then went to see my brother instead, the golden child (also typical. They to this day choose him or visiting him or giving him things over me). I qas the only one who didn't have family come for graduation and was completely alone. My friend's family at least took me out to dinner with them for graduation. More than my own family did. Later when I brought it up they told "but we told you we changed plans and you were okay with it". Yeah called me and said. "We're not coming, okay?" And i said "okay". So if I said no you ssid you were coming then they'd change their minds back and come? No they would've been mad and said I was selfish and unreasonable to expect them to come and spend money to travel to see me j6st for a graduation when I knew my brother was graduating highschool (in the town they live in) the same week and his graduation was more important. None of my family ever came to visit me in college. I always had to go home if I were to see anyone. That continues into adulthood. I have to travel to see everyone else they don't come to me. There's always excuses and reasons why and just an expectation that I'm the one who has to travel. As a 34 yo my dad even yelled at me and said "you went away for college and we wanted you to stay here!" So the truth finally came out they were mad and punishing me because I moved away and didn't stay at home so therefore they never come to see me no matter where I am for school or work. Talk about control and unreasonable expectations

[@laurafergs88]

@@amiblack8294 thank you! And I appreciate your comment; I've really come to treasure the comfort faith can bring, especially during the tough times (and the good!)

[@SummerIrvin]

Thanks for making this. My parents always spent x amount of money on me to be "good" parents. Didn't have to be on stuff I wanted. A memory that really hurts is this one old guy who was shocked to hear I didn't do anything special on my highschool graduation. An old guy from the generation where parents were cheered for beating children, shocked to hear that my parents didn't do anything for me on my graduation. It was also my birthday. They would immediately get angry if I said they did nothing, because no, they did throw some money at me. All I wanted was to go camping, dad said it's mom's problem, mom said that staying in a hotel in the woods, that she was going to stay at anyway while she was vacationing with a friend, was close enough to camping. There was a lot of other sad shit to the story. They've done so much shittier to me, but it hurts so much. I was in such a low place, they knew it, and they weren't going to be bothered to give me a healing happy memory that lots of other kids didn't even need to ask for.

[@darcysbestlife]

Thank you for putting this on KZbin. You are reaching so many people that desperately need this help. I’ve never had a therapist who was as knowledgeable and helpful as Pastor Tim.

[@SusanReeves-ft1sg]

This is the worst time of the Year for me, when You don't have family.

[@slappy8941]

I go camping and hiking.

[@kirsikka3752]

Yes it is. Yet it is better alone (in my opinion) than with very toxic family members. I do not have family either and I am alone and it sucks.

[@dianeandries1331]

You are not alone, same here

[@alexxx4434]

You're not alone, you still have you

[@beth1979]

Here's a hug for everyone ❤

[@aciddiver1978]

Overwhelming, overwhelming, overwhelming.

[@jeankipper6954]

I hate this "holiday season." Alone is dull but safe.

[@ilsedemolder3973]

Safe from what?

[@Joshualuv13]

Yep,I have always dreaded Xmas since my childhood trauma years..I'm now 62 and try with my own little family to make it pleasant and given I now also have one grandchild,I try my best to make it as it should be for a small child. But always dread the build up.

[@rchi3906]

Yeah Bro , but your breaking the cycle for grand child , good on u , God Bless

[@starbright1256]

Same here. Im trying to make it through. All occasions i find difficult. Christmas the most severe

[@herbert5585]

"I want to reproduce this in my life!" I just realized i always feel selfish and shame for wanting to have nice things in my life and be happy. It's strange but that line just gave me permission to get rid of that believe. Thank you Tim

[@ShalomEntirety1]

Thats great Tim. Connection IS huge and so is authenticity. I so appreciate ALL your work. I thank you for your dedication in helping to set people free. It CAN be done!!! Shalom in its entirety to you and yours and ALL that read this.

[@smokingcrab2290]

My ex wife had many traditions and they loved the holidays. I loved them too. But I never felt appreciated and I always felt judged. Never connected with them. They didn't care to connect they just were all about themselves and my wife saw my disconnect and blamed me for it even though I gave all of my attention to everyone else and did my best for them. I hated it. It was always so much work and if you didn't do everything how they wanted they just judged you. One time my brother came over and we had some drinks and started laughing and they all looked at us like we were insane and talked about us behind our backs. All we were doing was laughing and having a good time. What else are holidays about? After that my brother never returned and it made me sad because I had to deal with their judgements alone and now my wife and I are divorced.

[@DelphineTheWorstBladeEver]

That was such a sad story. I feel for you. I had very similar things happen to me. I hope you're healing, and I hope you find someone who understands you.

[@ilsedemolder3973]

Maybe you have little awareness about how you behave with other people? Maybe it's not them, maybe it's you?

[@vivvy_0]

​@@ilsedemolder3973 are you serious?

[@JNDorene]

This person shared his feelings, memories. I don't think anyone should or can twist this into some kind of judging or "look at you instead" moment. It's not kind or wise.😐 Sorry for him and all the many others who had/have similar experiences. It's so sad, the pain.

[@mm669]

Birthday was definitely a chance to magnify how important the golden child was.

[@janeyrevanescence12]

I loved the holidays when I was younger because we’d have so many gatherings to attend and my father would always be on his best behavior and we’d act like what a happy family should be. As I got older, I realized that the reason he would be on his best behavior was because (as a narcissist) he needed to show the world that we weren’t being abused, neglected or fighting potential bankruptcy. Nowadays? I’m alone. It’s peaceful but I’m so desperately lonely that I’m wondering if I can keep doing this.

[@Some_kind_of_wonderfü]

💜

[@alexxx4434]

Special occasions are mostly fake and performative. A child needs positive emotions and connection in everyday life.

[@smokingcrab2290]

Performative. This is the word

[@robertlstrand]

Yup i realy know,had an NDE after posening and trafick aksident soe grov upp 2 times😂 butt no love djust hate and long time in hospitale. Korupt police don't work. Soe gott robbd from the polise in the name off norway 🇧🇻Nott nice att ale😢🇧🇻🇧🇻🇧🇻So i vil tell the truthe iven iff i dye agen and agen😂❤❤❤ love from me 2 al the vorld 🎅

[@ilsedemolder3973]

A child needs both. Daily life and special occasions.

[@alexxx4434]

@@ilsedemolder3973 Yet, in our narcissistic society all attention is on special events, because they are public and demonstrative.

[@MentalWellnessWithWaihiga]

My first Christmas without my toxic family. It's going to be interesting and certainly a new tradition. It was all an act but my mother,father treated me horribly. I would hide myself in the kitchen and just concentrate on doing all the dishes because I wanted to escape the pain. I would work so hard so that by the time the evening came I would just collapse on my bed in deep sleep.

[@21cormorants]

I truly hope that you can build yourself some beautiful and warm traditions that will serve and fulfill you this year and in the coming years! I hope that perhaps you can plan ahead in order to give yourself some of what’s been missing, without having to experience too much of the pain from not having had it before. Someone out there in the universe is rooting for you to find that joy and peace! Maybe line up some nice activities and meal options you’ll enjoy, so that you have options available, and if on the day itself you aren’t feeling up to it, that’s okay! There is no obligation to celebrate anything at any time; I hope you can just take some time to celebrate yourself, your growth, your peace, and your worth! ❤ Sending you light and strength, hope and joy.

[@drabdazy3810]

I hope you have an excellent holiday 😊 You're finally free so make it all about you because it's long overdue and you certainly deserve it ❤

[@Some_kind_of_wonderfü]

I hope 2025 is the BEST year of your life thus far 🤗

[@SummerJ200]

It’s interesting that even just listening to this lecture about special occasions, I instantly get this numb and dead feeling come over my entire mind and body. I try so hard for the kids, but I just can’t get excited about them. 😩

[@drabdazy3810]

For me special occasions were absolute torture. I was humiliated, made fun of, and false accusations of the most horrid things that I would never even dream of doing. Unfortunately for me even though I desperately tried to defend myself everybody assumed what my adoptive mother said was true because she is a psychologist (a narcissistic psychologist). So naturally I'm the liar, the horrid little spawn whose only function in life was to take the abuse so everybody else could feel good about themselves because clearly I have absolutely no value. I am happy to say that I have finally learned that all of that was simply not true and there's nothing wrong with me but unfortunately to this day I am not able to celebrate a single thing. Not yet anyway but soon 😊

[@janny474]

I'm so sorry for your experience. My mother is not adoptive but she's exactly like this except not a therapist thank God but she was a school teacher go figure.

[@soulhappy]

Thank you for reminding me that being born by god is a gift and that I can choose to make my relationship with myself and others emboldened because I am loved by god and I have more to give. Thank you!!!!!

[@t-man5196]

As an autistic person with complex PTSD, I've always loved special occasions, especially christmas

[@t-man5196]

@Timflecter-f6r huh?

[@buttercxpdraws8101]

@@t-man5196 I’m also autistic with CPTSD - not only Christmas but the whole of December is truly horrific in my experience

[@barbaraalbert5600]

I still feel so fake being in my skin. I needed access to this information years ago. Lack of love is beyond empty. PS did we grow up in the same house?

[@smokingcrab2290]

I hate how busy the holidays are. I can never relax. And there's always that one toxic person who everyone revolves around

[@sarahb.6475]

There is nothing busy about the holidays at all. Cannot even eat the traditional foods. And no one even remembers you at all.. How can it possibly be busy?

[@moonbeamstry5321]

I was raised a Jehovah’s Witness. I got NO special occasions. None. Nada. Nothing. Then after escaping them I mistakenly partnered with and had a child with a man who doesn’t value special occasions. Constantly forgot my birthday or treated it like an afterthought if he did remember. Would buy me gifts he wanted. Never planned anything with our daughter for Mother's day even though I would plan things for Father's day. Would routinely get completely shit faced on Christmas. All hollidays and special occasions were unimportant to him except Halloween which he made all about himself and his own good time. After 25 yrs of this misery I'm finally escaping the mini cult this man trapped me in after escaping the cult I was born into. It's true that we become accustomed to our trauma and it's not uncommon to partner with somone who'll dish out even more of what you've become accustomed to. We're seperating now and in a few months I'll finally be free. I can't wait. I'll probably spend the rest of my life enjoying being single.

[@cairosilver2932]

Welp, thanks for slowly illuminating more and more of my emotional poverty so I can feel so internally absent even more, I'm wrapping up at 9 minutes and 40 seconds, it feels awful. (note: this is sardonic humour about having to face this, it's nothing against the speaker)

[@rebecca_stone]

You're not alone. Same reaction. Ouch.

[@mnoxman]

Special occasions were permission for my father to humiliate me in front of the extended family. It was always show off this that or the other thing but that was followed up by publicly punishing me after he felt threatened by my ability to do something he couldn't. "You don't understand: No, stop, when it's too much" even for normal Kid behaviour. Freud would have a field day.

[@purpura7053]

same. they ruined all my special days like my prom night. i remember the relief when all the parents had to leave so we can have fun. this is why i am thinking of not inviting them to my graduation. i want to have a good day. but at the same time i feel guilt.

[@carrie618]

Thank you for your tremendous insight and guidance!

[@tobsternater]

Dr Tim Fletcher....you are so gifted as a speaker. Thankyou for your amazing insights and motivations. You are so extremely incredible to listen to and to hear.

[@tobsternater]

This is SUCH an INSPIRED oratory by Tim Fletcher !!

[@mosher121]

All I can say is wow. Well, thank you, also. The very best video I've ever seen about this. Actually, the only one.

[@AncientIntegrations]

They aren’t special events if people aren’t doing them for you. They want you to come to all their events and celebrate them but then your birthday comes and it’s crickets. The pattern continues til you’re dead.

[@ilsedemolder3973]

Well if you don't invite them nobody is gonna show up of course.

[@peter-5354]

If parents can't be healthy on a daily basis, they especially won't be able to be healthy on special occasions. Likely the problems will just be magnified.

[@ilsedemolder3973]

Maybe you are not healthy either. Maybe it is also you.

[@kathy1001]

Merry Christmas 🌲🎅🎁 and Happy New Year 🎉

[@helenenorman3598]

Blessings from Sweden 🇸🇪

[@Obviiuschild]

@@helenenorman3598 Blessings from Canada 🇨🇦

[@InsideOut-v6w]

Greats from Belgium ❤

[@emilypalmquist6992]

Visst är han grym🙂

[@mrbonanzagrade8605]

blessings from sweden

[@mrbonanzagrade8605]

@@emilypalmquist6992 Det är han

[@tomasson-g1p]

this book can also help u with your traumas "Traumatic Hero by lentlish" It helped me a lot ong. No bs I promise you

[@alexxx4434]

You can reflect on your life every evening in your personal journal, no need to wait for special occasions for that.

[@juzhang6665]

@@alexxx4434 tho I agree that self help and self love are important, but as a social species there’s only so much we can do alone. No amount of journaling can beat a dad hugging you while saying I’m proud of you son.

[@alexxx4434]

@juzhang6665 Quite often people don't have such a father. And instead have to struggle with the internal manifestation of their father who angrily yells that they are little worthless pieces of sh*t. It's better to be alone than around bad people.

[@alexxx4434]

@@juzhang6665 Quite often people don't have such a father. And instead have to struggle with the internal manifestation of their father who аngrilу уells that they are littlе wоrthlеss piесеs of #$%&. It's better to be alone than around bad people.

[@anacowan3118]

@@juzhang6665 I second this, I spent too much time self reflecting for years and realized I needed the social aspect

[@ilsedemolder3973]

Whatever.

[@Dustin-jg6ms]

Wonderful guidance

[@Xaxtarr_Neonraven]

And those who never got the positive reinforcement but instead received the critical eye, the waiting for missteps, for whom special occasions became unbearable dread, regret, anxiety, rumination, guilt and shame, they can never be accepted into a welcoming social circle but are pigeon-holed as forever outsiders and outcasts.

[@Dustin-jg6ms]

Sometimes you gotta fight with your mind, sometimes you gotta fight with your mind.

[@ilsedemolder3973]

Whatever.

[@dawntreader815]

@@Dustin-jg6ms I understand, and I agree.

[@Kareena1988]

Saddest thing is that when you try to build with people who are the only ones understanding your dilemma(no family, all alone), you end up meeting people who are unstable and fake. Everyone complains about not having anyone but once you ask for connection, these people are flakey and unreliable.

[@Chrisw2226]

Thank u for your eye opening words❤

[@anitamccormick3184]

I grew up in a family that caused complex trauma, but the holidays were the time of year that my angry father usually was able to keep his temper in check. We didn’t have any big gatherings though - it was just me, my parents and my grandparents. I was an only child and my relatives that are still living are scattered all over the country, so I keep my holiday celebrations simple, which I am fine with. The main issue I have with holidays is everyone I know wanting to talk about all the things they do for the holidays, and not having a lot to tell them in return.

[@FlorenceLunsford-sk2nj]

Happy new year

[@Sara-x6t3s]

Ugh. I HATE special occasions. They only remind me of all that I thought I had, but never did. They remind me of how I was manipulated and used. They remind me of how stupid I was.

[@tintswalomashamba3744]

Very helpful, thank you🙏❤

[@MycSailor]

Great advice

[@alexandrugheorghe5610]

Today was my birthday. I blocked my mother after she kept insisting with her phone calls. Unblocked her when I knew she was asleep.

[@kathy1001]

Happy Birthday 🎉🎉

[@MariaDoloresSánchez-x1g]

Happy birthday ❤

[@LV1307]

Happy Birthday. Blessings love peace and joy to you

[@ilsedemolder3973]

You're a monster.

[@katariina7697]

Belatedly: happy birthday to you! 🎉

[@nikia737]

dnt remember gifts,joint party at 5,next party at 18 was a boozer,that was my present.why cnt i remember,wasnt as bad as others have it cos 5kids was alot to deal with.mum was abused but abused me n bro less,not her 3with her husband...i dnt qualify for therapy here cos i used weed to cslm myself when i panic.. people dnt matter in uk less you fit their boxes,so people like you help me sort what i can .......thankyou

[@ErikBuddhaTao]

That was a lot to think about

[@valenciadale3506]

The Christmas that I’ve always wanted is the one I have to create for myself. Other than that, I hate Christmas. I always have.

[@iseewhatyoudidthere1245]

My mother used to enjoy food shaming and fat shaming me in front of all the relatives.

[@moirosalina]

Thank you 🌟

[@sarahb.6475]

A person's birthday is nothing to celebrate if that person was born in "shame". The baby was unwanted but "forced on you". That is what my mother said. She only got endless verbal abuse for having a baby. Never had a birthday party in my whole life. Never was allowed to have friends. Bullied at school. Never had a "family dinner" where everyone sat together at a table either. I remember sitting on a stuffed armchair with a plate on my lap eating a turkey leg. Never cooked a whole turkey either on Thanisgiving. Was a bunch of turkey legs. Grandmother used the oven 3 days a year. Only relative I have these days is a distant cousin (never spent any holiday with her either) and she is currently angry I stood up for myself back in Sept. She ignores questions you ask her, you never get replies / response to the things that are important to me - like my food allergy reactions (she reads the texts but never comments), she made new rules but then when I follow these new rules she gets angry! So I spoke up for myself and now she is in the "angry silent mode". My mother used to do that too.

[@Runemaster293]

Thank you - my spouse has a hard-candy Christmas....

[@jumbolumps666]

I quit spending the holidays with my family years ago because my mom always took all her hostessing stress out on me, plus I had to watch all the men sit around acting like loud, fat kings while the women ran themselves ragged serving everyone and cleaning up after everyone. The one time at Thanksgiving I suggested we go around the table stating what we're grateful for, I literally got yelled at, shut down with a force that was so beyond necessary. Yeah no thank you, I'm an adult now so I'll pass on all that and have a beautiful, peaceful, content day of gratitude out on the trails with my dog.

[@FlorenceLunsford-sk2nj]

Merry Christmas

[@annabellgrey7657]

That’s me. Don’t want anything to do with say Christmas…. even worse when it’s a big family dinner-party with your family! Ba him bug forget it!

[@debtalan6255]

This was unconvincing. It’s like saying, “happy experiences can make you happy! Have them!”

[@FlorenceLunsford-sk2nj]

It's my birthday Christmas day

[@bernadette2722]

Happy birthday for Christmas Day and God bless you🌹❤️🎁🎂

[@Ukraine4thewin2.0]

Happy birthday

[@kathy1001]

Happy Birthday 🎉🎉

[@kathy1001]

Happy Birthday 🎉🎉 and a very Merry Christmas 🎅🌲

[@katariina7697]

Happy birthday to you! 🎉🎉

[@miller5170]

Stop giving your Power away. Research these occasions and then decide which ones you even find truthful or meaningful to You. They are for invisible little moments to be reverent and thankful for the cycles in life. If they don’t resonate, then it just a Tuesday for you. And let that sh go! I know how it feels and at the same time jm a parent that tries the best I can. But peopel are inherently screwy. We jsut don’t get it right 💯 of the time. Find the truth about your todays issues so you can stop repeating them in every single blessed today.

[@Dustin-jg6ms]

Sometimes you gotta fight with your mind

[@LaSavanteSauvage]

Yes important for children but why are we only talking about children?? ADULTS need these things and cannot provide it to the children if they don't understand it and live it.

[@victoriacritchlow9069]

Me 2 x

[@chrisrendino1529]

And go into dept over it. And complain about it the entire year.

[@vivvy_0]

Doesn’t exist.

[@sunrayrosin7181]

nah, please stop already

[@nevadatan7323]

We're COMPLETELY FREE to make our own meaningful traditions n rituals on any given day. Ive decided next year im celebrating March 8th Because that anxiety dream Bart Simpson had where he was placed in juvie and Jimbo Jones got "Wow! The March 8th Newspaper!" (as his xmas gift) despondently passed through the slot by a depressed correctional officer dressed as santa .... Everybody's bringing an old newspaper n we can sit and read the articles and have an absolute blast. Thats what im doing anyway. Im making this actually happen for me n my dumb crew who dunno what to do with themselves at xmas. Whatever coz this is gonna ECLIPSE it, im telling ya. Y'all invited btw. HO HO HOOKKKAAAY 💗❤️‍🩹💗🤡