Toxic parents and blind obedience in South Asian culture

[@acd1168]

I am West African but grew up in the states. I revolted against this so hard. I was like y’all are crazy if you think I owe you anything.

[@JuriAmari]

It’s so true. Thank goodness my parents did raise me somewhat differently (they’re west African, I’m born in the US). They emphasized respect but they don’t expect me to agree with everything, especially when I know something’s wrong. My dad even made a speech about breaking the obedience culture during a conference a long time ago.

[@acd1168]

@@JuriAmari You are very blessed. Are your parents educated? I think the fact that my parents aren't educated, didn't help.

[@JuriAmari]

⁠@@acd1168 Yeah. They are. It helps but I don’t think education makes you completely immune to that thinking; I sometimes get comments from family friends with doctorates about why I’m not as obedient. My guess is there may be a gendered component as well as I’m a woman and that sense of universal submission’s more expected of women/AFABs. Even with a master’s degree, there’s still that expectation of towing the line.

[@acd1168]

@@JuriAmari Oohh you are right. I know my brother is treated way differently than I am.

[@cateyu5547]

I think that revolting is prob the healthiest thing a child could do, you saved yourself!

[@yusmakhan1226]

I’m shocked to see that mental health and depression rates are higher in south Asian culture even after adjusting for socioeconomic status! This is probably a big factor. Super informative video!

[@pradlark]

Im British and the amount of abuse and controlling my parents did, if they think I owe them anything they can go to hell

[@yungJab]

ngl as a 20 year old brown man this showed me alot of insight. I thought standing up for myself or disagreeing with a family member (uncle/auntie,cousin) as straight up bad. And as I gradually grew up, I naturally started to respond to their slights to my answers, like yall supposed to be my family, seriously no reason to act like that. Nevertheless, the video helped me realize, Im not a bad guy for speaking my own beliefs.

[@bfbmain]

I’m so glad this resonated with you! I genuinely believe we have to find a balance between not disrespecting our family and standing up for what we believe in. It’s critical because if we don’t, we’re bound to repeat toxic cycles

[@mikeexits]

I'm no less white than a stick of chalk and I connect to this deeply myself. I had a friend who grew up in a strict traditionalist Pakistani family and a few other Asian friends, so I got to see the parallels from as early as my teenage years. My family was divided from the start as far as I can tell; spoiled attitude and twisted priorities from my mom, and horrific abuse on my dad's side (which I had to see the residual endings of whenever I saw him on weekends; he didn't realize it but he had a tendency to vent his frustrations spontaneously on his own loved ones and it took years of repeatedly bringing it up and forcing him to confront this reality for him to finally acknowledge this; my mom on the other hand has not budged an inch, and if anything has gotten far worse over time). Sometimes you can help them to grow and develop, other times they're just dragging you into Babylon by the neck and the only way to save yourself is to let go of their seemingly blindly grasping hands. It's sad but there are a lot of kids growing up and being confronted with this harsh reality. One thing I'd like to add to the discussion is how strange it is to me how people who grew up with good, tight-knit families often tend to take that so much for granted that they don't even realize that not all families are like that; when I explain my own toxic family situation to one of my friends like this, he always defaults to "yeah but she's your mother and she's doing it out of love." No shit, to a certain extent it's with good intentions, but I guess they never considered the phrase (and I modify it to be more generally true) "The road to hell is often paved with good intentions."

[@Chillnobody-vn3oh]

I'm white but grew up in rural Louisiana raised by a conservative single father who was riddled with PTSD and old antiqued ideas about what it means to be a man. I completely understand what y'all going through 😂😅

[@LKelz]

I am Chinese American . i grew up my mom will only praised me for being “ obedient “ and if I made a mistake that got her in trouble , even unintentionally she will yell at me and call me all type of names and saying that if it wasnt me she will live a happy life and I am the problem She will always tells me how much she sacrificed for me and how disgraceful I am by not succeeding. It sucks so much . Non Asians never get what we going through everyday. Well tbh she is right to some extent . I am depressed and live with her so seeing her reminded me of all those harsh words she said so I would just not do any chores and sleep all day to numb the pain . And every time she is upset she will brought this up again

[@Crippleddog]

You'll live on your own one day. It cannot be helped, it must be done. Persevere, and you'll be free one day.

[@kristinem.strand7237]

I am from Norway and am very grateful to my parents. They helped and supported me to be abel to stand on my own in the adult world, and if I stumble they will help if I ask. They were strict in the beginning because I was a child, but as I got older they gave me the freedom to figure myself out. I think my dad once said "Our job is to protect you and make sure you can take good care of yourself. The rest you have to figure out, but if you need help you can just ask". My mum said something alike "We don't want you to be a copy of us, but your own person who can do what you want to do." So I am really happy they are my parents, they stumbled a bit when I was young, but they would say sorry to me if they had been to harsh on a bad day were they were tired and I was being a child, for example.

[@SR-mv2mf]

Sounds like the ideal parents

[@kristinem.strand7237]

@@SR-mv2mf Yeah I think so too. I don't know how they are like as a whole, because they have always been my parents, but I feel like they talked to each other about how they wanted to be parents before getting children and then stuck to their plan when raising children.

[@arundathirose7563]

Your parents found the balance you are blessed beyond belief

[@seraph8293]

Yeah I definetely wish I was white

[@officiallykayanna]

well like the saying goes, culture is peer pressure from dead people. just because its culture doenst make it okay to continue. and yes alot of these elders are very problematic. sometimes its best to make yourself scarce at family gatherings when you know they are around 🥰

[@jomaq9233]

But then sometimes, if you’re a person of color, you might worry if you’re being “racist against your own race” by being “too westernized and individualistic”

[@theia1653]

No one asked them to self sacrifice because in an individualist society, you are just expected to do most things for yourself since infancy. If you told them to go pursue their own dreams, they would not do it or be able to or have any. The basic necessities to live should not be a lifelong debt. No one that actually commands respect needs hierarchy putting them on top and demand they be given it by default. Everyone will do it naturally, look up to them, and aspire to be like them. In the end, all this obedience suppresses creativity, autonomy, your potential, makes you a doormat, you never develop a strong sense of self, and the status quo never gets challenged. I will never accept it. No, not every elder should be respected or obeyed, just because they are your elder. Communication and respect are never one way.

[@Sarah-zq6tp]

I am Bosnian and the war my parents faced definitely had a great impact on their parenting…very similar and one would have no idea just looking at me as a blonde white woman. Sigh. Thx g for therapy lol.

[@Sarah-zq6tp]

Favoriting this video..thank you so much! Can't wait until I have the confidence to speak to my mom about this. Its hard as immigrant children cause I feel so much guilt :(

[@iqraeffendi747]

I love the way you think, oh my gosh! Thank you for videos like this and talking so openly about these issues. Almost every single desi kid has gone through this and calling out this problematic behaviour is exactly what our generation needs to do! More power to all of us trying to change these behaviours for the better.

[@mariamaa2823]

As a mixed South Asian in the UK (West Indian, and Pakistani) I felt so validated watching this. Lots of respect for the research and structure of the video. Each decision Ive made was with the thought of my parents. I was obedient with my career (mostly). Now, I am navigating a new relationship with a biracial partner and it's scary. I wasn't ignorant to the struggles we will face going into the commitment but it doesn't take away the hurt from the comments (before they even fully know!). The scary part is imagining a life where they probably will 'disown' me but I'm hopeful it won't come to that. My love for my parents will always be there as I imagine a lot of South Asian women feel but I have to make these decisions for myself. I'm thankful for their strictness in some sense as they have given me qualities I'm proud of like determination. I have deep respect for their sacrifices. Sadly, I wasn't shocked by the figures about depression. I'm looking forward to seeing the next generation flourish without the insane pressure. Up to us to break the cycle. There is a brilliant podcast by another South Asian creator about the generational trauma. Interesting conversations :).

[@abcbcd1834]

So glad I've found your channel. Nobody talks about these issues from a Pakistani perspective. Online, "Asian" just means East Asian. I assume that's a consequence of the sheer presence of Americans online (here in the UK, "Asian" refers mostly to brown people, probably due to differences in demographics). Glad to hear someone talking about these things from a perspective I can actually relate to

[@ailoune1930]

I saw shahrukh khan, i clicked

[@bfbmain]

LOL!

[@you_ok186]

I live in Bangladesh a very patriarch colorist misogynistic country. Here these things are so extreme & awful,children are constantly villanized by toxic parents & other kids who are bigots whenever they want basic-equal human rights. Like,wtf!I dont owe my parents anything.They brought me in this world & MENTALITY manipulated me,abused me.Will they give any compensation ever for that. No!Why should we allow them to play victim cards like "my children left me during my old age😢. they are so bad son because they dont say yes to everything I say & become my slave😢"

[@alexander191297]

Respect for yourself and living your own dream starts where you stop living their unfulfilled dreams for them.

[@TheBrownExperience]

This is a really good vid and a really interesting perspective. Glad I stumbled upon it. Good to see other South Asian creators in the video essay space.

[@chapterblaq]

To think that this channel only just started a couple months ago... I'm really looking forward to hearing your perspective and I have a feeling viewership is gonna grow exponentially 🙂

[@lerascurls]

Another child of immigrants here suffering from anxiety…

[@obitouchiha6439]

For any forward thinking person of color, it is not in their best interest to continue living under their parent's roof as young adults. I firmly believe in individual autonomy over everything else (unless you have a minor under your care), and not relying on your parents for anything pretty much guarantees that they have no power over you. Some confucianist minded parents will NOT hestite to use their adult son's/daughter's dependency on them as leverage. It's not ethical, but that's the reality.

[@obitouchiha6439]

@@wish-56 Some parents will demand that their adult son/daughter live by the parent's religion, culture and their personal beliefs as a condition to live with them.

[@obitouchiha6439]

@@wish-56 I'm asain, I know. That's why I chose to emancipate myself when I turned 16.

[@obitouchiha6439]

@@wish-56 It's called not being a brainwashed collectivist sheep. People are allowed to think for themselves and are allowed to live their own lives.

[@obitouchiha6439]

@@wish-56 Oh, they're pissed. But I did what I wanted, regardless. Their feelings will never be more important than my rights.

[@obitouchiha6439]

@@wish-56 They said they would cut me out of their will and refuse to pay for college. I still moved out, anyways, making my own money. Enough money to live on my own, WITHOUT a college degree.

[@thisisnotausernameXD]

My cousin, who is otherwise a reasonable woman, hits her children in the name of punishment. I do recognise that they are sometimes difficult to handle and try her patience but that sort of physical abuse is going to have an effect later on in life. All that in the name of obedience.

[@arundathirose7563]

I don't know the situation but if its bad please do call the police if you can and get them help.

[@MishMash22]

This is more common than we think in South Asian households. It’s normalised

[@o0...957]

I realate so much with this video that it feels like something has been ripped out of me. The only reason I am still alive is I am scared of death and I am afraid of pain(physical). Though it doesn't mean I appreciate any of the emotional pain I am feeling right now.

[@suj2125]

Hi Yusra, glad to run into your channel and actually have some data presented regarding the mental health dysfunction among the offspring of south Asian immigrants. We grow up, and we make jokes about our destiny that was predetermined, and in some cases, the profession we have today, having zero insight on the basics, such as “boundaries” which then leads to a whole bunch of other dysfunction. So great, you have the job, but emotional awareness is nonexistent. Add on epigenetics of trauma, even better! And throw in an insecure attachment style and you’ve made a life of fulfillment financially but that’s it. I really enjoyed the last statements about calling out problematic behaviors and standing up. Unfortunately, I am the target of a Director bully who has single-handedly constructed a narrative that has created much turmoil. I’ve known that it won’t stop until he sees me out and that I’ve been placed into a new environment away from the bully. I’m finding very bizarre communications on stories, rather than facts. Open with curiosity before judgment is a good rule as well as unconscious biases which is a Lead our brains down, a pathway, which we feel is based in truth, when in reality, it’s not. How does want to go into a new space and start noticing fundamental attribution, bias and horns bias already set for you? I did call out an attribution bias in an email because the manager was conjuring up some story which wasn’t even relevant to the matter on the hand and that’s the kind of crap. They handover to HR and say outlook he’s being this way or that way, but they literally made up the story with their assumptions

[@Azami0001]

Man Asian parenting is tough. My parents are southeast Asian but they do things similar to south Asians. Really concerning.

[@azeemahosman]

The gender double standards are hell on earth

[@mindfulsuccessm]

I am Hmong with immigrant parents as well. Our parents expect us to live up to their cultural standards while the new generation has to adjust to the American and Asian culture. As the years go by society changes while our parents' generation and down are still stuck in their traditions. So, in their lens we are frowned upon because we aren't obedient and don't live up to their standards. I loved how you said they unintentionally bring their traumas to the new generation. They came to the USA, sacrificed their lives in order to give us children better lives. Now we must sacrifice our lives live up to their standards to be a honor to the family. I definitely try to explain this to my parents but it is hard to get them to understand my point of view. Or they look at me like I'm crazy because I'm speaking against the culture and standing up for my own. I can relate 100% to this video. Thank you for this video and sharing your experience.

[@juliemayhwang4469]

Father’s intelligence: character. Mothers: keeping the children away from him. She was raising us the whole time. He didn’t the work product, she was trying to keep you safe. Selfish.

[@juliemayhwang4469]

✨

[@juliemayhwang4469]

you don’t deserve her. ❤ you should though. I don’t why that western emotion has not touched you yet? Cause for me, that true kindness was the core of my innocence. But I had to acknowledge what a girlfriend boyfriend did vs. the values of marriage. Marriage is safety for woman. Boy friend and girlfriend is where the fun is. Maybe you guys never dated. Maybe you guys were just best friends. And 1/3 your age ofc I act younger than you! 🤍 I’m your highest daughter!! 🥟

[@juliemayhwang4469]

🙄 these people. I swear. 🤞🏻✨ so cute. 🌷🌷🌷👆🏻 touch. ✨

[@Vineethajojo]

Nah,imma do my own thing

[@iyzx9]

no body is ready to talk about this in the Latino community but this is so trueeee for me!

[@arundathirose7563]

1:43 I would say rather individuals are expected to sacrifice personal desires for superficial famil wellbeing if it was about real family wellbeing where there is an actual need then this is fine but what mostly happens is to maintain "reputation" or so called "face" or "honour" which is superficial.

[@suj2125]

One other story, my cousin sister had a daughter, and she used the “tiger mom” book as her baby bible. Ummm Ngl my niece is an anxious mess. Like annoyingly anxious. And as I reflect on it, trying to make those strict boundaries and rules so on and so forth, if you look at it from a lens of attachment theory come off lol of course she was gonna end up being anxious and securely attached! I have no idea how parents do it, I have zero paternal clock ticking

[@slokachandra7995]

I really enjoy the content you make and the way you discuss things that are often swept under the carpet. However I see that there is a lot of stories about immigrant families, do you have any references/content creators who discuss the same things in an indian or Pakistani context?

[@darkman7009]

I am chinese indonesia. Becuase of been abused by my authoriterian tiger parents. Not only i hate my parents, i also hate the race i was born, with that culture roots come from 😢

[@almaschowdhury7130]

I feel like their sacrifice is a huge turn off and a disproportionate form of manipulation.

[@RaeesAhmad-ye9pi]

😍😍😍😍

[@RaeesAhmad-ye9pi]

Very nice

[@bfbmain]

Thank you! 😊