Trauma. Transphobia. And the Internet. (why I left for 2.5 years)

[@HeyThere005]

First! ...wait, is that still funny? I have been gone a long time... :P Anyway, hope y'all like this. It is full of some heavier themes throughout, and I simply could not content warning each serious moment, so please heed the warning at the beginning, and if you don't think you are in the headspace to watch - that is totally ok 💞 -Ash

[@lumoonlive]

I still see people saying first in comments so, ig pop off!!!!

[@itslaura2083]

i was going to say no but on this occasion- as you have been off of youtube for the last 2 and a half years- i'll let it slide lmao

[@justme075]

We missed you, much love from GA 🙂

[@Amagick683]

*hugs* I hope you’re doing better now! I missed your videos!

[@elegantdisarray]

Missed you so much, Ash!! 💜

[@Jazza]

Hi Ash! I met you at an artist meet-up at a vidcon a few years back. You were super nice! I guessed you were genderqueer, and hit a point in our conversation when I felt I should ask your preferred pronouns. You were SO NICE about it! And you were the first person I had asked, and worried I was doing something wrong or insensitive. I really appreciated your welcoming response and as a result, watched a bunch of your videos and learned a lot about the perspective of trans and genderqueer people. Years later, one of the people I would come to employ came out to me as trans, and I felt more equipped on how to be supportive. Years later still, this person has moved interstate to work in my studio with a respectful and considerate team. My point is, everything counts, and our brief interaction and the content you'd produced helped me, a cis white dude in Australia, feel more equipped to be supportive and understanding to someone coming out as trans. I had no idea the kind of battles you were dealing with or would come to face, but I'm really grateful for how genuine and open you were when we met, and how your content has helped me think more as an ally, and feel less silly for having questions or asking them. Thanks for your content and kindness - welcome back!!

[@cofeejoe2882]

Ash is truly wonderful, also I'm happy to see you here Jazza. Whenever i learn some one who's content i enjoy is an ally it makes me really happy. It's silly but when you are barraged with so much transphobia and hate you tend forget there's people out there who genuinely are decent and accepting. So thank you for leaving this comment here, like you said every little bit helps, visible support is also it.

[@bugguyonline]

you know about ash too? and thats so awesome jazza!

[@x.pvp.gvtz.x]

I grew up watching jazza and ash, so its really great to see jazza on an ash video. As a trans guy who came out at a very young age and has never had respect on it, even being 18 in less then a week now and being out 6 years, its amazing to see the people you grew up watching, being so supportive. Jazzas the reason im now in art school to become a graphic designer, and im also now living my life full time as a male no matter what anybody says.

[@wokeupnew]

respect jazza

[@phantomblue523]

The imagination of people frightened by their lack of understanding is truly something. As always you're concise, articulate the nuance about what it means to be trans with a unique style, and your videos have a production quality nothing short of artistry. Glad you're back Ash.

[@brizzyvoices]

This is so well fucking made. I regularly, like most humans, play KZbin in the background while doing other shit. Especially long video essays. But I was glued to this?? Thank you so much?? This is so wonderful, obviously I wish you had no reason to make this, but thank you for sharing.

[@HeyThere005]

Ah thanks Brizzy, that means a lot 💕

[@caitn7887]

I am unbelievably excited to watch this. Ash, you were a huge part of my coming out journey. I watched your videos almost every night. Over and over again. As a teenager, I lived in an extremely religious, homophobic family. So finding your content allowed me to ease my anxiety. It also showed me that I could have a happy life outside of the religion I was brought up in. Your channel was a literal life saver. I’m now almost 25, I came out and am living with my amazing partner. We have two cats and are adding a puppy to our little family soon. I never imagined when I was younger that I could have this life, but here I am. So thank you. For everything. ♥️

[@AxxLAfriku]

Please stop giving me mean comments. My mother reads the comments I get and she cries a lot because of it. Please be nice, dear ca

[@lolnyny]

Know that I and probably many others are liking this comment because we relate to it. Ash no one made videos like you did and those are what go me through moments of insecurity, dysphoria and hopelessness.

[@ashyeet702]

Ash's channel very much was the same for me and helping me feel better about being LGBT :)

[@bee4123]

I relate to this comment so much! :,) glad ur doing better now

[@saggguy7]

I really want you to understand how instrumental you were in my early journey as a queer person. I found you shortly after I came out as bi. You were the first person to introduce me to the concept of non-binary identity. you were the very first person that started me down my journey of undoing the Christian indoctrination I’d been brought up with. You introduced me to Milo, who introduced me to the content of other trans and non-binary creators that eventually led me to understand that I’m a non-binary trans guy. I am not exaggerating when I say that realization saved my life. I don’t know where I would be without your content. I might still be a bigot. I might sill be living with incredible internalized queerphobia. I might have taken a lot longer to figure out who I really was. I might have never figured it out at all. I’m literally crying as I type this because I mean it with all my heart. Your content changed my life. A transphobic person might say that proves their point, but i’m telling you right now - I can’t describe how much my life has improved, how much depression I’ve been spared, because of content YOU created. thank you. From the bottom of my heart. I am so sorry you had to go through this. I hope you know it was not for nothing. I know I am not the only one whose life was seriously impacted in a positive way by your content. Sending love and well wishes for your continued recovery.

[@HeyThere005]

Thank you so much for sharing this. I feel so honored to have played a positive role in your journey, and I’m happy to hear you were able to find yourself 💕

[@a.6900]

This is really so beautiful it made me cry

[@romanelrich6380]

It’s interesting to me the lengths that transphobes think people will go for very little payoff. People don’t get surgery just to wear more comfortable clothes. It’s also how I feel when people accuse me of being trans for attention. You think I went to psychiatrists and got hormones and payed a bunch of money to legally change my name for attention? How dedicated do you think I am to getting a mild amount of attention once in a long while? I’d rather just be left alone anyways.

[@lukadraws4629]

I’m not the kind of person that goes back to rewatch old videos so watching a new ash video felt almost like reconnecting with an old friend. Obviously I dont know ash irl but there was a definitely a sense of comfort to hearing their voice and watching this style of video. I can’t believe I forgot how great their editing is and I can’t wait to watch all 4tb of content lmao! But it feels really great seeing all sorts of trans and queer people standing up for themselves and speaking against a lot of abuse they faced online. I’m lucky in the sense that I didn’t let myself get swept up by terf and transmedicalist rhetoric, but even though I feel I evaded it fairly well it still did affect me to some degree. But I’m grateful to have started my journey when I did because i was able to go into it in what feels like an era of healing. And it feels even greater to have the privilege to go back to watching the person that helped me out when I first started to question my gender now in what seems to be this new stage of life for the both of us.

[@huggyprincess]

I'm cis and not once did you ever "convert" me into being trans (how is that even possible). The internet is ridiculous. I have no idea what it feels like to be LGBTQ, but I believe these issues and feelings are valid. Nice having you back

[@emilyscloset2648]

+1

[@OpposingPony]

Exactly! I've watched Ash for years and they've never converted me into anything except hopefully being a better ally.

[@RenaRain]

I don't always fit into the "traditional" female mold and when I was young I was terrified that meant I was actually a boy in a girl's body, because that's not what I wanted. I'm AFAB and I always felt like a girl, but I kept falling into "boy" stereotypes and it made me feel like "not a real girl." In direct contrast to what the transphobes and homophobes like to spew, it has been my trans friends, not other cis people, who have made me feel really comfortable and validated in my gender identity. It's...tragic, and so damaging that so many people see our differences as a threat instead of things that can unify us and make us stronger. It's hateful that many of those people take that fear and become cruel. None of us deserve to be treated that way.

[@danielletilliepoledance]

Same! All they did for me was help me be a better ally. It’s from their videos (and other trans creators) that I’ve gotten so much better at understanding and being more respectful of trans identities. It has helped my friendships so much! My dad is a teacher and came to me to ask questions about how to make a trans student feel more comfortable in his classroom. It’s because of Ash that I was able to discuss what non-binary means, and that student was positively affected. Their influence is far reaching, and it is a net positive.

[@huggyprincess]

@@oxoClareNoxo *They

[@heathercranor5992]

This old cis lady has missed you, dear child. I have learned from you in the past and look forward to continuing that! Welcome back! The world needs to hear your lived experience and unique, sometimes hilarious commentary!

[@jinjintonic]

It's so good to have you back! All the hate you have recieved is truly horrible and I am so sorry you had to go through all of that. Just know that you have changed so many lives for the better. You made me realize that I am non binary and helped me through very hard times when I didn't know who I was. I will forever be incredibly grateful for all that you have done for me and so many others! Thank you, Ash!

[@sharlainjapan]

Welcome back Ash!!! I’m truly sorry for what you’ve had to go through. I’m so glad you felt comfortable enough to come back to KZbin🥺 We missed you (and your amazing filming/editing/storytelling skills💯) 💖💖💖

[@FlickeringEmber]

You said it all perfectly. Ash always came across as super sure of themself and really genuine, honest and compassionate. It's heartbreaking to find that people have gaslit them to the point they started to doubt themself. Ash has done so much for the LGBTQI+ community and I don't understand how certain factions of the community can be so cruel and exclusionary.

[@4everNaturalBeauty]

Sharla! I didn’t know you watched ash too! Ash was like one of the first creators that helped me realize more about my gender, so it’s cool to see you guys interact!

[@lloroshastar6347]

Oh wow, when world's collide. Good to see you're doing okay Sharla too

[@TheUnplannedLove]

Fuuuuuuuck that bullshit

[@senoritablahblahblah]

​@@nono-yw3tv Cry harder 🤣

[@zantasyy]

"her pronouns are they/them" has got to be the stupidest line to ever be in a book

[@arthurmayfieldhowson6272]

I know you're doing so much work on healing yourself by challenging those voices that called you harmful to impressionable young kids. I know so many other people have said what I'm going to say, but I feel like it needs to be said regardless. When I was a kid, I was in a terribly dark place, spiralling around a pit of confusion and guilt and self-doubt. Then I found your videos and you were the only person who had ever told me that what I was feeling was okay. I discovered that I was non-binary because you were the one who explained it so kindly and patiently. I won't say my life is now perfect because of you, because we're all struggling with something or another, but I will say that you made my life so much more bearable. Watching your videos made me feel safe and heard, and I wouldn't trade that for the world.

[@HeyThere005]

Oh, ah, this truly means so much :’)

[@na-vp1bj]

the video isnt even out yet but, you helped me accept myself as trans despite being raised in a very religious household, sincerely tysm and im sure theres others with similar experiences

[@jlbeeen]

Yes, I've been questioning gender for a while, but Ash, and some of the people linked in the description, helped me realize what non-binary is, and be more comfortable with myself.

[@nyx7842]

Yeah same here.

[@MommaDusk]

I had some other support, but I started watching Ash the same year they stopped making videos. I hadn't even chosen a new name when Ash had left

[@teacuptoe2143]

💕

[@k9coco113]

@@MommaDusk hey! Just real quick note. From the video, it sounds like Ash's pronouns are they/them.

[@theattemptedartist2308]

Can we talk about how people accused them of having Peter Pan complex because they look and sound young? They drink in pretty much every video and their last video was about wanting to have kids with their spouse. That doesn't seem like someone who doesn't want to leave neverland to me.

[@mrspreminger]

People don’t like Ash because they don’t tear down people and actually are nice in their videos

[@Ariplaygames]

I've been accused of being childish and having somewhat a peter pan complex for something as simple as enjoying fun stuff. Some adults are miserable and they've been told they have to do only boring and serious things to be considered an adult. So when they look at someone being happy with no stupid limits, they get irracionally mad and try their hardest to belittle and antagonize the other person, so they dont feel bad about someone else being happy and them being miserable.

[@lunalee3021]

It's because many girls do hide behind OCs or cartoon-ish self inserts or lgbt identities to avoid responsibility. I don't think drinking really proves they want to be responsible or making social media videos about wanting children... (making a youtube video about it is a bad sign...)

[@ContraPoints]

Welcome back!! 🥛

[@HeyThere005]

Thanks Natalie

[@v1de0gamr23]

And just when the world needed them the most, they returned. Welcome back, Ash, it sounds like you've been busy.

[@DeutschFuerEuch]

Hey Ash! I don't have time to finish watching this right now (will do so later though), but just wanted to let you know that YT suggested it to me and my immediate first reaction was a smile and literally saying out loud "Oh hey honey". I forgot that I missed your stuff and I'm sorry you've had such a rough time because of all this. Glad to see you back, whether that be for longer or just this. I'm excited to keep watching.

[@saldevere9066]

Tickled to see fandoms collide. Good to see you here Katja!

[@Pixielocks]

Ok I literally just started the vid but SO HAPPY TO SEE U IN MY SUB BOX 🥺💖🌈

[@CoraMaria]

Me too! Glad to see you excited to be here too, Pixie~!

[@marleythechangling9779]

OMG I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WATCHED ASH!

[@MxPotato84]

Big same!! 💜💜

[@jessicacarron8117]

So much same. Soooo happy

[@prronce]

So... let's be real. I think this needs to get on trending to showcase the major issues with transphobia on the platform

[@Tree-House69]

10000000%

[@theneekofficial8829]

though that’d also bring the transphobes to this video which isn’t something we want

[@prronce]

@@theneekofficial8829 that's unfortunately unavoidable

[@theneekofficial8829]

@@prronce For the most part, yes, but it getting on trending would get it more attention than average, which would come with both support and hatred. Who knows which would be more but still.

[@smolbean9981]

When I started trying to figure out who I was, it was your channel that helped me figure out that I most definitely was not Cis. All of the questions I had about myself, I could find every answer in one of your videos. The content you made helped me a lot in my journey and knowing that all of this was happening to you hurts my heart. You do not deserve any of the things that happened to you and that you want through. Neither do any of the other people that it happened to. Welcome back, let's hope that this time, it will be better for you.

[@redsouthers9132]

You and your book are the reason I realized that nonbinary is even a thing and reading your book gave me the terminology to express how I had felt for my whole life. I hate that you have gone through what you have and I hope that you are doing well

[@raine3736]

I’m living proof of radicalization. KZbin led me down a rabbit hole that ended with me doubting my own trans identity. You were always an inspiration to me, but the people I followed told me you were an SJW and I was supposed to think people “like you” were crazy and delusional. And I did. And I’m so incredibly sorry. It took years for me to realize I didn’t even agree with the people I watched and it was only hurting me. Thank you for speaking up, you continue to inspire me to do the same. welcome back ❤️

[@HeyThere005]

I appreciate this, and I’m happy you were able to come around to a more positive perspective 💕

[@alexoffline6577]

You were one of the KZbinrs I watched when I was in middle school figuring out my identity Now I'm about to graduate high school and my entire family and school know I'm trans and gender me correctly (or at least try to), and I'm going to try getting HRT once I have a stable income When I was going through the worst time of my life videos by people like you and Miles McKenna were very comforting and helped me really figure stuff out Thank you

[@doddleoddle]

AT ALL COSTS christ that’s dark

[@doddleoddle]

Ash this is SO GOOD. I await for the next!!! This series is going to be 🔥🔥🔥🖤

[@HeyThere005]

Awww thanks pal! 💕

[@TyTurner]

This is so good. Also I gotta try fashion mullet now lmao

[@brianparent4882]

Me too!

[@rutherfordip]

Yesssss you should do it! I got mine back in mid-November and it gives me all the gender.

[@ahhh4117]

Wouldn't that be cannibalism??

[@Victoriaheartsmusic]

Omg KZbin unsubscribed me from Ty. I have a lot to catch up on

[@erincochran1887]

@@Victoriaheartsmusic I didn’t realize it either but the same happened to me too! What the crap KZbin

[@iunataspis]

WELCOME BACK !! You've been a long time inspiration and help for me over the years discovering myself and my gender identity as a nonbinary man while growing up on trauma and things I didn't understand. People and influences like Kalvin Garrah really affected a lot of people, and I'm just glad to hear from you again and wish you the best and can't wait to see you around the place again. Take care Ash :)

[@annestone6649]

I’m so happy you’re back! You were such an incredibly huge part of my teenaged life, and I’d realized right before you left that when I looked up your name the first option immediately after was always something terrible. It absolutely devastated me, and I in no way blame you for “running away”. Since then I’ve found so much joy in my own life, and I’m exciting to watch this video and see how you are doing in yours.

[@carterjames3894]

i wish i could watch this all the way through, but I'm not in a good space mentally or physically to do so. that being said, I'm really glad that you're doing better and that you're safe.

[@Xeridanus]

I hope you're in a better space now comrade. It's a really good video.

[@squeaktheswan2007]

I've been there too. It's going to be okay.

[@ryn2844]

I entertained the 'trans-trender' thing too in my mind. I know I'm nonbinary, but when so many people tell you that it's fake for so long, at some point it just lodges itself in your brain. I actively avoided that rhetoric, but it was so omnipresent. I think it affected all of us that way. So yeah. You're not alone in that, and you don't have to be ashamed of admitting it.

[@valojormakka2904]

Ash seems like the nicest, most well rounded person. It’s absolutely mind boggling how these weirdos get so worked up over their content. It’s crazy

[@keyboarddancers7751]

Ash really is delightfully pretty.

[@sunebites]

Primary script advisor- Jessie Gender!!!!!!! My QUEEN JESSIE HELPED YOU i'm so glad for this

[@elycanada6051]

You’re ability to break down and explain bigotry and abusive manipulation is truly amazing

[@angxlcakes-4549]

hi, im also ash, im transmasculine, and as someone who is still going to school it hurts, especially because some laws are being passed to keep us trans kids unsafe, this video was therapeutic for me, thank you

[@sizquirtt]

ikr its so unfair how us trans people are being dehumanized by restricting everything!

[@moordt]

Sending lots of love, Marieke

[@wildwesley9328]

I’m so glad you’re feeling well enough to share your experience. I hope that you know that you have put so much good in the world. I’m so sorry you had to endure this horrific treatment and were gaslit into thinking you were doing harm. You NEVER were. You were the first queer KZbinr I started watching even before I started questioning my sexual orientation and gender identity. You helped me find most of the other queer you tubers that I still follow now. I would probably not know who I am today if it wasn’t for you.

[@amiddend]

You’ve dealt with a lot over the past couple of years and I’m sorry you had to go through that. We all love your videos and you as a person and we are glad to see you back. ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🖤

[@brandons4060]

Thanks for putting this up. You were the first person that showed me that you could take your transition as you wanted it, that I didn't have to go all in all at once. I remember crying at work when I saw you got top surgery and realizing that it was something I could do. I came out last year as a trans man, at 28. It's been awesome, I'm so grateful for all the educational things you put out there for this over-analyser. Thank you. It's good to see you again.

[@apinkchameleon]

I believe I started watching trans KZbin around the height of the anti-SJW channels, but luckily for me, I found this channel first and went from there. In particular your ABC's of LGBT videos were really helpful for giving me terms to describe what I was feeling, and though I still find my feelings confusing, they are a lot less so now. I just feel really lucky that you were there to prevent me from going down a potentially dangerous rabbit hole (and educating me in the process), so I'm really grateful to you and all the work you've put into this channel. I'm glad you're back!

[@brennenbeckwith]

I'm so irrevocably proud of you Ash

[@HeyThere005]

Couldn’t have done it without you! 💕

[@foxwoodjones9831]

@John Forge why such intense hate for someone I assume you’ve never met?

[@pacificcoastpiper3949]

@@HeyThere005 I heard about you through watts the safeword, I’m glad I finally found your channel and can check out what kind of stuff you make

[@trungry]

Welcome back, Ash! I can already see a few posts below expressing my own feelings & experiences! You were a part of my own identity awakening, and your videos helped me find language, perspective & community. Missed you : ) Thank you for being you!

[@nyssalynn5216]

I've been a follower for a few years now, you really helped me find myself and my identity. It broke my lil heart a bit when you left the internet, but I can 100% respect and understand the decision. I'm so happy to see that you're back, you have no idea. You are by far my favourite youtuber

[@YTsucks300]

I am so glad you are back and punching transphobia in the face! Also: NONBINARY UNITE! BE THEY DO CRIMES!

[@enderwiggins8248]

Be they do crimes!

[@seronimo__7735]

God, as someone who recently came out and is trying to rid herself of a bunch of internalized transphobia, the part about being gaslit made me tear up. Thank you for breaking out of this spiral, and thank you for helping the rest of us do the same.

[@t-shades7148]

34:33 Something my therapist told me that constantly sticks with me is "Self care is an act of revolution." Sometimes the best way for trans people to make waves is to unapologetically live our best life. You haven't changed shit? Blatantly false. You set a precedent. You showed tons of people that you valued yourself enough to stand up for your needs. Your actions don't have to benefit other people directly to make a difference.

[@aryswheel9327]

it’s been so healing to see so many of the KZbinrs who survived the anti sjw and transmed era of KZbin come out and claim their trauma. good on ya

[@courtkusler]

I have missed you so much. Thank you for coming back to share with us again. I'm sorry so much has gone wrong, but you are such a beacon of hope. Sending all the love and good vibes to you and Gray.

[@courtneycoffman5157]

Havent seen the video yet but just happy to see ya post. Much love from California :)

[@makenzileg]

I'm SO excited for this! I've been with you since your "Beer and a Chat" days and have missed you these last two years! Glad you're still alive! Continue to stay strong, Ash! Much love!

[@Rhonettala187]

I was thinking about you the other day and wondering how you've been doing. I'm glad to see you back ☺️❤️

[@manhathaway]

Also your editing is TOP tier, best on KZbin hands down. Aaah I missed this, I missed you!

[@HeyThere005]

It takes foreeeeevvvverrrrrrrer, so ty 🥰

[@whydidimakeayoutubeaccount7677]

ash, you're probably not going to read this but I just want to say that what you share is so incredibly important. Because of you I gathered the courage to come out to my parents as nonbinary and to get top surgery. I'm currently looking into starting microdosing testosterone. SInce taking all these steps I am happier with myself and self image than ever, I don't remember ever being so confident in my self expression. Your visibility, your content, your words are incredibly important to so many people. I know it is for me. you literally were part in making my life better without even knowing it. Glad to see you back

[@tutcarmoon]

You are the first experience I've ever had of the trans community. I discovered you through your ace series and felt so heart warmed by how well represented and understood you made me feel. Following you through your top surgery and trans journey helped me understand the trans community and I've always been open to learning more. All thanks to you. You showed me how much it means to someone to be accepted and understood and so I just want to show the same in return. I am really sorry for the hate you have received, the way you have been disrespected and I promise to be more of an active member in supporting your right to be who you are without question. Thank you for the love you spread on your channel. I'm glad to have you back.

[@003Astrid]

I'm forever baffled by how vile people can be. I've always appreciated your content, and I believe it was key to how I handled my partner coming out as non binary last year. Because I understood on a deeper level than I would have without your content.

[@sortofsollo]

ok so ash, i loved you, then hated you, and when i got out of that screwed up transmedicalist mindset, finding out you hadn’t posted in almost a year was heartbreaking. i was 12 when i found your channel, super curious about the lgbtq+ community, and questioning my identity. you answered so many questions i couldn’t ask any of the adults in my life and made me feel safe and valid. eventually, i became i guess somewhat of a “pick me” queer. i would be like, “yeah, i’m queer, but i’m not THAT kind of queer!! pansexual isn’t real and neither is non-binary, it’s just people looking for attention” when the real person looking for attention was me. i wanted approval from straight people. it was… so messed up, and looking back i feel so horrible. i’m so glad you’re back. over time, i went from a lesbian transmedicalist to a queer genderqueer 18 year-old who’s confident in myself, and honestly, i owe it to you for making me feel okay figuring myself out when i was young. love you ash, and i’m so happy you’re back 💕

[@gordonramsayslambsauce]

@@harrypotter8262 Thinking you have to medically transition or have intense dysphoria in order to be trans is transphobic

[@trol_8889]

@@harrypotter8262 not only that, but the ideology is incredibly euro centric

[@gordonramsayslambsauce]

@@harrypotter8262 It definitely is very eurocentric, especially being gender affirming surgeries aren't available everywhere and the concept of gender being based on sex is pretty eurocentric. It doesn't make sense because not everybody has the desire to change their bodies. I have gender dysphoria, but I don't really want bottom surgery because it's just not something I have the desire to do. I don't need cisgendered people on the internet telling me what makes me trans or not, you know? The important thing is that I know who I am, not people who don't know me or haven't experienced what I have. It's transphobic to try and determine what makes someone trans or invalidate someone's identity as trans because they don't fit your boxed-in ideals of "good" trans people

[@AlannahGardener]

@@gordonramsayslambsauce Genuine question, how can someone be trans without dysphoria? I don't understand how someone can feel like the other gender if they have no dysphoria associated with their birth sex I hope this doesn't come across as rude, I genuinely want to understand

[@sabathecat9492]

@@AlannahGardener cus knowing your gender isn't about what's on the outside, it's about who you are on the inside. and sometimes your body can conflict with who you are, and that'd be gender dysphoria. i have /very/ mild gender dysphoria, if if even is, but i know for a damn well fact that i'm neither a man or a woman. hope that helps

[@citcat2014]

I'm only part way through the vid but I just wanna say, Ash you actually kinda saved me when I was in highschool ish, and still to this day. I felt so confused and lost in how I felt about gender and sexuality and your videos really gave me a starting point for understanding the things I was already feeling, but couldn't put words to. All my friends were figuring that stuff out, while I just kind of felt broken or like I was missing a piece that I was meant to have in order to be human. I had no clue that asexuality was thing until I saw some of your vids. I was finally able to feel like I was ok and that how I felt didn't mean there was something seriously wrong with me. Thank you.

[@sleepybunny186]

The internalized homophobia was strong within me back then , and possibly still to a point now ; though I hope I’m better somewhat now, I just wanted to say, I’m glad your back, and I’m sorry for being a supporter of those who bullied you then, I may not of made my own videos or what have you but supporting those people was just as bad because with no audience they would of just been screaming into a void, we amplified it, and I’m truly sorry

[@jemma_mae_]

Thank you for uploading this.

[@HeyThere005]

💕💙

[@SleeperInTravel]

KEIRA BELL.

[@АлексейТабаков-ы8в]

@@HeyThere005 And recently some TERF guy made a video about you and his viewers literally called you a cult's devoter in the comments (yeah and it's gross to witness that kind of transphobia). That's bad that most of transgender people constantly face distrust and mockery in their lifetimes (not only in online, but also IRL) simple by the fact that they want live their lifes the way they want to live. But I hope that you will stand for this time and you shan't fell into misery ever again, you deserve better.

[@ragtimes1015]

I am SO glad you’re back!!! When I was younger I had always wanted to be like you. For the longest time you were a role model for me. But I would be lying if I said I did not watch that hate content made against you. I watched Kalvin, and a couple of those channels listed/compiled in your video. And for that, I am sorry. I apologize for even consuming that kind of content. Now I myself am nonbinary, and by the time I had figured that out, I found myself wanting to see your content again. Because before I fell into that pipeline your content reallt was so formative and important for me. Anyway, all this to say. I apologize for any part I played in that hate, and I’m thrilled to see you back! I hope you and Gray are doing well.

[@abbymitchell5948]

I just realized that I came out as trans (to myself) about a week before your last video was released. Since then I've had my final year of College, came out publicly, had a gap year with a few uni courses, and have now started Uni full time.

[@ninareginaballerina]

Ash, thank you for all you do. I started watching your videos about 8 years ago and will always remember how validated I felt when I saw your video about spectrums. I remember excitedly plotting my spectrums in the notes section of my phone and sharing it with a close friend. I would have been about 24 years old, and that was a significant moment for me in my journey to self acceptance and feeling like I belonged. You’ve made such a positive difference to so many lives. It’s really confronting seeing some of the transphobic hate that you’ve been bombarded with and I can’t even imagine how awful that must be. I’m really sorry you’ve had to experience that. Thank you for making this video and it’s so great to see you back on KZbin. All power to you. 💕

[@QuaseVingativa]

You were one of the first people I've watched talk about non binary identities which was super important 'cause it was back in the day when I was figuring it out I was non binary myself. I'm glad you're back with even more well produced and thoughtful content. You were dearly missed on this hellsite!

[@justanothergoth]

I'll be honest, you and the videos hating on you were my first contact with the enby community and because of the hate it took me so long to comprehend what it meant to be enby but you made me feel fascinated by the concept of more than 2 genders. I am still trying to leave behind some of the bad stuff that the skeptic community left in me even after all of this years, it's so good to have you back.

[@magensauer9846]

Im fn crying you where the first person in my life to ever show me being trans was an option. I'm so happy to see you back on line and you are doing good.

[@magensauer9846]

I'm 2 min in and can't stop crying

[@ericjeandrevin2069]

This video saved me. I feel like I’m just wasting all my time trying to find people who hate me for just… being myself Being trans puts such a target on my back that I thought looking at anti trans content gave me control of the situation. It. Does. Not. It does the exact opposite because viewing it is EXACTLY what they want they want you to do. You viewing it IS their weapon. Again. I would like to say thank you Ash, and I’m so grateful that someone is mentioning this topic. Finally.

[@coragynbuck2140]

I just want to say thank you for putting up with the internet in whatever ways you can. Access to your content really helped me learn about my own identity as a kid, and you helped me feel less alone when I was dysphoric or otherwise not doing well. Your videos have meant a lot to me since I found them. I'm sorry you've been through so much harassment, but I want you to know that making videos like these does help people like me.

[@sageviohl6971]

Hi Ash! I just wanted to say that I've been watching your content since I was still a deeply closeted teenager struggling with internalized homophobia. I'm now a genderqueer polyamorous lesbian about to go into law school to get more involved in queer activism. Following your journey has really helped me figure myself out and I'm glad you felt safe enough to come back and keep telling your story!

[@rayejohnston2821]

I just want to talk about how monumental you have been in being alive right now. Since I have first started watching your videos, I have learned of my identity, come out to the world, and have now been medically transitioning for a few years. To help my mom understand what I was going through, I sent her to you, and you're one of the people that got her from being hesitant to being one of my biggest supporters throughout my transition. I also know for a fact that if I didn't come out, didn't transition, didn't have my family's support, I wouldn't be able to comment this today. I also might have squealed just a little bit when I saw you posted, but only me and my dog will ever know the truth

[@whatthefizzsticks]

I'm so, so thankful for you. I remember feeling su*c*dal after watching a Calvin video for the first time, and I watched you because I knew you would help ground me and remind me that I'm real and good enough. Since you left, I did a few months of t and yesterday I told my doctor that I want to get top surgery. Suffice to say, glad to see you back. Take care of yourself

[@moajuhlin4619]

I was so happy when your name popped up! And wow what a video… how can someone be so cruel? No one deserves what you’ve been through. You really helped me in an extremely difficult time and I still to this day watch your old videos when I need to hear someone say my thoughts and feelings out loud. I’m really happy that you are back! And that is some great editing!

[@pacificus66]

Learning about different ways to express my sexual orientation really helped my in self-identifying as gay. If after learning about abrosexuality, asexuality, gender queerness, and gender nonconformity I turned out a cisgendered gay man. I don’t think learning about queerness will lead to anyone “becoming” anything- just finding a label that brings people comfort.

[@Tree-House69]

Exactly, I don't have the same labels as Ash because they didn't "convert" me, education just helped me find the things that already described me with more specificity and educate those who were having trouble finding labels and descriptors that worked.

[@niki3722]

You were the person who told me I was bi enough which led to me coming out first to my self and then everyone else, thank you! I'm grateful to have you back

[@55SilentShadow]

Yay!!! Ash is back, so good to see you! And so excited to see the rest of the series. I love how thoughtfully this was written and made. And thank you for showing your "dragon troll" such courtesy (not that I would expect anything less from you, but) I think it's important to aknowledge these things. Also thank you for putting so such time and effect into your writing and producing this, it is clearly well reearched and thought out. I'm also so glad to hear your in a better place. I hope you contine to heal and grow. Thank you for being such a positive and strong voice for us all. You are so kind and intellegent and wonderful. Also on a side note, I love your make up it was super cute! I also love how it managed to be both out there and wacky and yet subtle and understated at the same time. True Zen, if ever I saw it. And I have to mention the beer cans, I mean wow! The time and effect that went into this, go you! And the bath scene was pure gold! love, love, love it! Thank you! You inspire me so much. Thank you for being a wonderful human being.

[@izzyizmyname]

Jokes on the transphobes because you didn't convert me to being trans-- that happened during your absence :) anyway, glad you are back and doing better

[@TinaMey]

same with me being NB :D

[@lisawardle4297]

So glad to see you back online Ash. So sorry to hear just how much abuse you’ve had to deal with. I’m in your corner 100% 💜

[@TheHelveticanbarbie]

So happy to hear from you but so sorry you've had to endure so much :( wishing you all the best now and always! 💕

[@TheSightOfTheStars]

So nice to see you back, this video is incredible, and I can't even fully articulate how much I relate, and how much this video personally touched me, and how much your content from over the years has helped me to the nth degree. Thank you thank you Ash. I wish you peace and healing.

[@leaare]

Didn't even realize how much i missed your incredibly aesthetic videos, they're just so beautiful. you were one of the first lbgt KZbinrs I started watching, and it's great to have you back

[@leaare]

"Spontaneous set change" -> has the most beautiful set that looks like it set day to set up! I LOVE IT (also I want this plant poster thing it looks so pretty)

[@alexx5143]

Ash, just wanted to say your vids helped me a lot when I was questioning. Not that you convinced me of anything, you shared info that I needed to hear at the time and helped me come to my own conclusion over the years. Now that I am out as an enby, I came to check on your channel and you were gone so glad you're posting again!

[@ryn2844]

The trendercore aesthetic is flipping amazing. I love it so much. It's such a good way to take it back from the bigots. Because hell yeah, why can't we look like that? It looks dope! I think this is an amazing way to deal with trauma. Thank you for owning it in this video. I'm only 15 minutes in and I'm crying because honestly videos like this one and Brennan's and all the positive comments underneath are so incredibly healing. I'm okay the way I am. We all are. And we don't have to be ashamed or hide it. I don't actually have trendercore as my aesthetic and never have, but I'm nonbinary and that's all it takes for people to call you a trender so the trauma is real y'all.

[@soharbennett8079]

Ok so I’m way too tired to put out a comment that succinctly encapsulates what I want to say but here goes: Ash, we may not know you personally, but your beautiful personality shines through each one of your videos. You are incredibly gifted, as an educator, a content creator, an artist, but most of all: you are one of the most empathetic, kind and lovely people I “know”. I am beyond heartbroken learning about all the harassment, hate and trauma you’ve been through. You deserve the world and I can say I’m in awe of how you’re dealing with it and of how strong you are. You’ve done so much for the LGBTQ Community and made everybody feel safe and welcome. This video once again is beautifully made. We missed your comforting presence for sure, hope you and your family is well. Sending so much love💜💙🤍

[@RenEmell]

This was beautifully produced. I'm still watching, but thank you so much for making this. Also, I have only just heard Arthur's voice but ngl I would protect them with my life -- what a sweetheart coming in and giving you a little emotion break just at the right moment :)

[@elipartin5764]

So I am a fully grown adult (well into my twenties) and almost two weeks post op from top surgery. Without your content I wouldn’t have known that the body that i’ve always imagined me having was possible. I learned how to push through the discomfort of surgical trauma by watching you do so. I have so many other inspirations both from online and in real life but you being unapologetically you had a small impact on my ability to do the same. I am so so sorry you had to go through hell and that people are scared of what they don’t understand and that you had to bear the brunt of that. But I am so glad that you’re back and speaking out against those people and such harmful ideologies. thank you for being you and for everything you do.

[@clegs8356]

the deranged texts i just sent my gf upon seeing this notif.... tysm icon. 😭🙏 hope you're well, and among all the other "we've missed you!!"s, may i also add "we're so greatful for your presence online that has impacted us hugely and positively, regardless of how long you've been gone & how much you choose to return or not" ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜💖

[@shenenigans2037]

Well put!

[@jayzepickle6637]

This is such a well researched and engaging and interesting and informative video! Your production skills are top tier! Thank you for this video, and for discussing your past and trauma, it must be extremely hard. ❤️

[@Melathegreat]

I’ve been a follower since you made music videos and video animations with your brother. We are the same age. You helped me be more at peace with my Queerness. It sucks how evil people are to go out of their way to hurt the LGBTQ+. I’m sorry to my LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters who have been targeted for being themselves. Be safe and be yourself unapologetically because they have to get over we exist. 💜🦋🌈🌹

[@lesley7137]

I’m sorry, Ash. I was one of those people who listened to Kalvin Garrah. I didn’t understand non-binary identities back in the day, and I listen to his (Kalvin’s) opinion to help me inform my own opinion. While I did enjoy watching your informative videos, I also watched his as well. Looking back on his videos, I realized that he was a bully. I’m sorry the words he said that has caused you and many of your friends harm. I know I can’t go back in time to reverse the views I gave him, and I don’t know if you’ll accept this apology as an sincere apology, but I just want to say i’m sorry. While I still don’t 100% non binary people, I now take on the view that as long as their happy, let them be happy. It’s one of the views that allowed me to come out to myself as a lesbian. But this isn’t about me. This is about you and how my previous views about you and other non binary folks have harmed you. And for that, I’m so sorry.

[@kaiyodei]

so you think catgender is legit trans?

[@viviannichols3582]

I don’t think I will ever understand the non-binary concept. But I have non-binary friends. I don’t challenge them on it because at the end of the day, it has NOTHING to do with me. Adults can say or do what they want as long as they aren’t hurting anyone. I am concerned about kids who are bombarded with this information that probably doesn’t apply to them and whether they’ll get confused and make decisions they’ll regret later. But you know what? I don’t have kids. I don’t own a house (so no property taxes of mine are going to fund public schools). So that has little to nothing to do with me as well.

[@actualgoblin]

@@kaiyodei what?

[@kellevichy]

@@kaiyodei non-binary isn't kin lmfao. please educate yourself.

[@annieoop7651]

@@viviannichols3582 children aren’t bombarded with this information in schools. Gender identity is a lesson or two when the children are deemed old enough to understand and even then it’s very surface level stuff they’re taught. It’s not bombardment when it’s only just being talked about. The transitional period between not talking about this and talking about this may seem like a lot for children but trans and genderqueer folks have been around for centuries, so I think the world is educating adolescents so that they can know how to approach and speak kindly with trans and genderqueer folks. It’s more so teaching tolerance than indoctrinating. Under 0.1% of trans people de-transition so it’s a very small number, and children aren’t allowed access to permanent changes in terms of trans healthcare until they turn 18. Puberty blockers are reversible and cross-sex hormones aren’t given until 18 or after. The most a child could have access to is to change their name, their gender marker, cut their hair, wear different clothes etc, and maybe get puberty blockers. All of these changes are reversible if the child later learns they’re not trans. And even over this age, a full psychological evaluation must be performed to the person by a trained professional before they get access to the more permanent changes like cross-sex hormones and surgeries. A lot of right-wing media has kinda fearmonged people into believing that trans people are somehow causing them to make irreversible changes just be existing and flourishing. This, however, isn’t the case. I know you stated that these aren’t your views specifically, but I’m just leaving this here for any transphobes or TERFs who happen to pass over it.

[@tenshirei]

Welcome back, it’s really wonderful to see you again and hear your perspective on *gestures vaguely at everything*. Looking forward to the next part of the series!

[@Kalxifyr]

Wow. I knew there were people who didn't like you for whatever reason, but I had no idea it had gotten that out of control. I'm glad you are back and doing better now, though. You were the first person to help me realize what it meant to feel the way that I did, and that it was ok to be that way. I've come a long way in my journey since then and I'm feeling so much better about myself for it. There might be a lot of haters, but know that there's tons more people like me that you have helped.

[@MissyGibson]

Yeah you totally did convince cis people they’re trans, like me. Oh wait - I was never cis…

[@rebekahdiffendarfer4114]

Ash, you taught me what it can mean to be nonbinary. I’m cis, and if anything, the representation you showed me, convicted me of that. The content you put out made me the ally I am now. I know how to treat my trans friends and make them feel accepted because of you. I was even the first person one of,y friends came out to. Thank you so much for the positive impact you have made. We’ve missed you.

[@seraphim108]

Agreed! And I can't imagine how special of a feeling it is to be the first person picked to come out too ❤ such a big leap in one's life. Such a beautiful moment. Shows how much trust you've been givin.

[@user-jh7nq9hx7f]

💛💜🖤

[@skeletoninyourbody9896]

Thank you for being an ally we need

[@theonery7894]

First: I'm so fucking happy you fell confortable enough to be back. It's so good to see you adorable face and listen to you making such complex subjects and easy to follow and caring theme. Second: you helped me so much in my journey to realising I'm trans to becoming comfortable with my sexuality, I just have no words for it. I just hope you find the strength and the resources to feel good being here again, because you make a lot of people feel better about themselves (me included)

[@theimplications635]

Oh my god, that lady who was objectifying Ash gave me the chills?? Who was that and where does she get the audacity?? Also ash's "oh um no thanks" was hilarious.

[@trol_8889]

Who are they?? I wanna talk…

[@benburke3015]

Yeah I'm going to need at least three days and 50 separate showers to process that lmao. In what universe is that in anyway appropriate to say to some stranger you've never met before, yet alone immortalise it in a KZbin video for potentially thousands, if not millions, to see?

[@SPMunny]

Oof I know who that is and I think her channel is gone/she left KZbin but I remember watching a video of hers opening up about her being an sa survivor so seeing her objectify ash like that given her own trauma is… yikes

[@theimplications635]

@@SPMunny who is she though? Or what was her channel name? And I get maybe that's a coping mechanism for her, but when you involve others and use it to insult them it's a different story. Not even mentioning her transphobia.

[@theimplications635]

@@benburke3015 When you don't respect someone in the slightest and are using their humiliation for views.

[@mkoehl8217]

You sweet, wonderful person! I am so sorry there are horrible people who can't understand. When I was getting divorced after 25 years, I didn't know who I was. I watched you and Sexplanations to educate my self and explore who I am. It was invaluable and entertaining. I am cis/straight and know who I am because I questioned everything about myself. I can't imagine being hated for knowing who I am. You didn't change who I was, you helped me explore things about myself I wasn't sure about. I was educated, not indoctrinated. Thank you so much! You help people.

[@Aerynpichler345]

Ash saved my life when I was 17. Learning about what Non-binary meant literally saved my life. The fact that these people say these horrible things about Ash is heartbreaking. You're an amazing person Ash, I'm glad you're back. Thank you for everything you've done, you've saved so many lives

[@mothboy420]

Me too! I came out 6 years ago (when I was 11). Ash is the opposite of someone who harms young peopls... They save us

[@CJ-vl4pi]

Your videos were regular watches for me during my "~ally~" stage. This video has come out during the week of my one year anniversary of finally accepting that I'm non-binary :))) what a way to celebrate! I'm so glad you've processed all the shit you've gone through, and I hope healing (a forever journey) gets easier for you each day 🙏🏻💗

[@caseyleenb]

Ash, i would like to say that you have more faith in people than i think i could ever have. giving someone an out when they have written, edited, and uploaded almost 6 hours of hateful shit towards you is something i can only have the utmost respect for you doing.

[@bunnydadummy]

can we take a moment to appreciate the editing in this video? like the clips line up and everything just *flows*

[@mjwildy2359]

Hi Ash, welcome back! I've missed you so much, I'm so glad you've returned, whether that just be for this series or more. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with such horrible harassment online, and I sincerely hope that things are getting better for you, even slowly. I want to add that you helped me so much discovering my identity, with regards to gender and attraction. Also your corporate job video helped me get the nerve to ask my ballet teachers if I could wear the male uniform sometimes. Thank you so so much for the positive impact you've had on my life thus far, I don't know where I'd be without your videos.

[@misa3268]

Firstly, amazing video. It’s always interesting to hear reflection pieces and always eye opening to hear someone speak about these kind of experiences regarding online harassment. Secondly, I was that cringe avatar that was spewing the awful “oh this is sjw bullshit” stuff in this video and I have to say, firstly I no longer agree with ANYTHING I said in that clip/video/timeline of my life and I can’t say I’m sorry enough for speaking so confidently about something that I didn’t understand and helping to contribute towards the targeted harassment against not only you, but other NB creators during that time. I’ve publicly disavowed my old content and have attempted to educate myself and become an ally rather than someone who spreads such hate. My heart dropped hearing my voice in this video and hearing the disgusting way I used to speak. I physically cringe when seeing any of my old videos and recognising how wrong I was. If I still did KZbin, I would make countless videos debunking my old videos. I just wanted to leave a comment and acknowledge that I was wrong, that despite being a small channel at the time, I recognise that my actions contributed to many NB people experiencing this by me not only making these videos, but collating with larger creators to make them, and lastly that I am sorry.